Leave A Message with Ally & G - 11 - Eyes & Flaps They're On The Loose!

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

It might be another week but this isn't your normal episode of Leave A Message... OK, well in many ways it is, but this week we have a story about Alesha Dixon offering Ally a tampon so we're moving up in the world! We've got backstage stories from Britain's Got Talent plus, as usual, the Gallies have not disappointed with some hot and steamy submissions - literally, one of them involves a tutu setting on fire! Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

so do you want to do a little um intro into what leave a message is yes we've been told off by our whole production team so far that it's made it into an email now it got serious very serious in black and white that we must do a pre-recorded intro because we often fanny around at the beginning at the top of the episode

and we don't introduce this podcast properly so if you've just joined us if you're listening for the first time this is Leave a Message with Ali and G

this is a podcast for the galleys by the galleys if you don't know what a galley is it's our names combined because I'm G she's G and I'm Ali yes we met someone today at an If you don't know what a galley is, it's our names combined. Because she's G and I'm

Ali. Yes. We met someone today at an event. You weren't there. But I walked in and she wasn't sure if I was Ali or G. Sweet. Yeah, and I thought how funny, maybe I'll say I'm Ali. But I didn't. I said, oh, I'm G. She's Ali. She's coming. It'd be so good, babe. You know, sometimes when you, I'd never had a twin

obviously, but you know when you like get, I had lots of twins in my year at school. And sometimes like one of them would, I don't, I'd never had a twin, obviously, but you know, when you like, I had lots of twins in my year at school and sometimes like one of them would, I don't know, like take, yeah. If you had a sub-teacher, they could just really tease them. Or like if one of you, you know, they would take turns to like go to PE

when the other one was sick, you know. Sadly, we really don't look alike. But if people don't even know which one's which, babe, that's perfect. That's pretty good. Working in our favour. We've already diverted from the point of this message. Sorry.

So, buy the galleys for the galleys, because a lot of our content comes directly from you, because this podcast is all about your voice notes. And our DMs are popping. So, we decided, why not start a podcast to centralise everyone's messages into one place. But even better, every week we get voice notes from the galleys. And the voice notes so far have been hella juicy.

Really loving them, actually. I'd really like access to that phone more often. Producer Rohana has it, but I think I'd like it to just listen to instead of podcasts. She's told us today that there are some really good ones on there. So, welcome to Leave a Message. Today we're going to be talking about wardrobe malfunctions. Al's just had a big one we were just doing. Sorry. It's not even that big, but she's just

so... No, no, it happens to me all the time. So you're so shameless, like you do not give a shit. We're in this room full of like, you know, the Pilates girlies on their reformer machines. Like these perfect, like picture perfect influencers. Everyone's in their two pieces. Al's on this reformer machine, right? And I would say every

what? Four or five seconds? No, no, every time we change position basically. She puts her whole hand down her leggings and just starts pulling out her wedgie, but not even like subtly, like she's like this. She's like grunting and making all these noises.

I think I'm quite, like... Whose phone's on? Sorry. Turn that off! I'm joking. Babe, that's actually really on brand. Can I just say,

that's really good. That could happen more often, actually. I was getting a voice note. Was it the... Like, ping, we just got a message. This is her welcome to leave a message. Good. Good save. I was saying she must buy an M&s thong because what are you wearing i'm wearing a primark

thong and i did used to love them but i think okay this is the thing about a thong if it's saggy it's shifting around all the time and you can't have and then the thong is fully up your vagina tight though i don't like it feeling like i don't want to know it's there. But wait, you can only have that if it is a bit too tight. No, not too tight. No, but like, it has to be no VPL, like,

like cemented to your vagina. But like, no. Yeah. I don't like it like that. I don't like it when the elastic goes into your crease. That's why we need no VPL. No elastic.

No elastic. But it has to be like tight. The perfect knicker is actually very hard to find. I agree. Maybe we should talk to, I've actually never had a The perfect knicker is actually very hard to find. I agree. Maybe we should talk to... I've actually never had a Skims knicker. I've had a Skims holder in her.

The problem is with those knickers though, the Skims one, the really thin... It's like slippy, slidey around there. Well, also it's also too narrow. Narrow on the ging. I'd have to arrange that 500 times as well. Do you know what I mean?

You don't want to be digging at the front. I'll tell you the last time, last time she had a wardrobe malfunction was at Britain's Got Talent. So I showed everyone my nips. Not that there's much to see anyway, but she did. I've got no tits, so normally I think it's fine to just like,

get them out, because I think they're inoffensive. Do you know what I mean? But actually... If you were sat there with a double G, it would be a bit of a different story. It'd be a bit different, like I'd be getting my jugs out

I'm just getting my pecs out she's not even wearing a starter bra these days I would never wear a bra do you know what I mean rarely never

and I had one at Saturday Night Takeaway so we are being a bit name dropping here but my honestly sorry where else have you been recently my foof

might as well have been on camera I mean honestly the size of this you did have a foof out didn't you and I had to sit in this funny way and g was like

put the bag over so that when i like we were at the top where i don't want to say because i sound so wanky now but right at the beginning we were sat right at the top where like ant starts and walks down and i was so conscious of my food but then he was gonna see your food but then i put him right off his job i know imagine my whole ass My whole arse cheek was out. It was really bad. I mean, when you stand up, it looks fine. Wardrobe mouth... Oh, no. And then, Britain's Got Talent story as well. Oh, my God.

I had blood on my pink suit. Oh, yeah. Al bled through a period. And Alicia Dixon offered her a tampon. And Alicia Dixon was having a nip slip at the same time. And I said, babe, do you want some tit tape? Because I've got a load of it. I've just cemented myself into this blazer.

So if you need some, just, I think I'm all good. Thanks, babe. Wardrobe malfunctions are, you know... No, I will never forget. Sorry to go straight into period chat, but it's really problematic. About the one on the chair? When I was at uni, I was in this lecture...

That's not a wardrobe malfunction, babe. It is when your juicy coutures are covered in blood and you've got to walk home. That is a wardrobe malfunction. I was like, what do I do? What do I do? I just walked home. What are you to. I was like, what do I do? What do I do? I just walked home. What are you to do?

What's the job to do? In your bloody, what I would have done, I didn't have a jumper. It was hot. It was summer. So, you know,

I don't want to, I tied it around. Yeah, tied my jumper around my waist. What colour were the coutures? Blue. Bright blue. Do you still have them?

Yeah. Those same ones. I got it out. I soaked them for hours. Well done. Blood's actually really good. Blood comes out quite easily. Yeah, blood's very easily it out. I soaked them for hours. Well done. Blood's actually really good. Blood comes out quite easily. Yeah, blood's very easy to come out, yeah.

Thank God. So. I can't think of any other good, really good wardrobe malfunctions. Oh, I'll tell you one. Jump in the, always in the pool, you jump in the pool

and you come up with no bra or no knickers. Yeah, you lose your cosy. Shoes, always. When I started wearing my Doc Martens for the first time, I honestly used to waddle around. I would put period pads in my shoes because the blisters were so bad.

Like, so bad. Lips, lips. I've had many, many. And my... Oh, my God. I've got this picture of me at Christmas. Yeah. And I'm sat on...

It was with my ex. And I'm sat on his lap and we're, like, posing for this really nice picture. And it was this really cute top. My Lee, have you met Lee? No. Hilarious.

If you knew him, it's even funnier because God love him. He was not expecting this. Anyway, he was taking the picture and no one had really noticed until Lee clocked it.

I had this top on with the slit underneath your boobs. And the hole. It was sat above my nipple. No! Resting on my nipple in the picture. I'd had a few drinks. And in this picture, it's me sat there nipple resting on my nipple in the picture i'd had a few drinks and in this picture it's me sat there like this and my whole nipple's out and lee just

i've had that when i'm side on and it's like a bit too big for my nip and like the whole that babe that do you remember that dillum two piece that i bought that i had to keep because i missed the returns date or something oh did you keep it yeah do you remember and it was like literally and i was sat in the car and like, I honestly couldn't even move my hand up. I had to...

You rarely wear no bra, so that was brave for you. Half that episode is my nipples. Wow. Speaking of nip slip, should we slide into a... Yeah, please.

Yes, please. Oh, let's give them a name this week then. What are the galleys called this week? Oh, yes. Also, every week we give the galleys a name

so that everyone is all in the same... So that everyone's anonymous. Yes. And so that we can kind of identify same. So that everyone's anonymous. Yes. And so that we can kind of identify them as one, two, three, really. What about... What's a name that rhymes with nipple? Pippa.

Pippi. Pipple. Pipple. Pipple. Okay. Pippa. Pippa. Thank you.

Very good. Got to be Pippa. Pippa. Hi, galleys. I really hope I end up on the show. Oh my gosh. Anyways, this is a story about a wardrobe malfunction that I had in high school.

So we were having one of those like sports day things, but we were swimming and we all had teams, whatever. I was in the pool. I was doing a thing. Now I have bigger, bigger titties. I've got bigger boobs. boobs swimming costumes don't really fit well with me so anyway I'm in the water and I'm swimming around and one of my friends who is a man and also bigger than me swims right on top of me he's very competitive he swims right on top of me

and he keeps pushing me into the water attempted murder really anyway he's pushing me into the water. Attempted murder, really. Anyway, he's pushing me into the water. And I start to drown is what I start to do. And I come back up. As soon as I get my head back up, I call one of the teachers, who's a man. And I say, please, can you help me up? Can you help me out? He looks at me for a second and then he keeps going. And I'm like, what the heck?

Anyways, the next teacher comes and i'm asking him like please can you help me out of the water he looks at me for more than a second and then he walks off and i'm just like what i'm literally dying i'm dying in this water anyways and then one of my friends come he's also a classmate also i don't know why only guys were passing by but one of my classmates came and then they were like um anyway they helped me out of the water and then they were like oh your your boobs are out of your um summer costume i'm like oh okay thank you and i put them back in i'm i'm panicking i'm currently having a panic attack because i almost died i almost drowned and i'm thinking to myself afterwards i'm just like did these people

these teachers these grown men who are supposed to be mature not help me out of the pool for the sole reason that they didn't want to be involved in my taste. They could have just been like, hey, girl, your boobs are out. Anyways, thank you all the way from South Africa. Because you said that last week. Girls, you are here. Trust me, babes. Love you, babes. Babe, paper one, all the way from South Africa.

What a legend i babe i live that trauma every summer that thing about them pushing you underwater raw does that to me until i'm like i i'm gonna get like um ptsd just from being in the pool like it's so intense and you're like i don't find that game funny me neither i hate scratching them but they think it's funny it's not funny that's so traumatic it's not a funny joke playing with water like what would you actually do if i drowned you know what i mean would it be funny then would it be funny then you'd be just floating atop the water because you've killed me you'd be in police custody actually and you'd be embarrassed i did drown my

girlfriend because i was having a long by mistake imagine sorry that is so imagine i'm just thinking about the like male like lifeguards and teachers literally looking at her like oh i can't touch her she's got her tits out and she's under 16 oh yeah oh yeah stressing so much like the poor girl's dying but all you're doing is looking at her tits that's so bad and also babe she's got some proper knockers on her. I just think throw a rubber ring in. Wouldn't you? Right. My mum always says this. My mum's not a good swimmer. So we were saying this on holiday because there was one night when it was like really

stormy, the water, and she was like, what would you do if I fell in? And my sister was like, I would jump in. And my mum was like, that's the stupidest thing you could ever say because then we'd both be fucking drowning. No, but not if your sister's a good strong swimmer. No, no, she's not a strong swimmer. Oh yeah, then that would be silly. Silly. Silly.

So what you should do, anyone, we're not live guards but don't be getting in. I've been reading all these things on TikTok about like things that people don't realise

that are dangerous that they are and it's like riptides, rip currents, like if you get stuck in a riptide, you're basically fucked. Babe,

I honestly thought when I was about eight years old you're basically fucked. Babe, I honestly thought when I was about eight years old, and I will never forget this, I really thought I was going to die at Centre Parcs in the rapids. The whitewater rapids. Babe. No, that little plunge pool at the end,

I got sucked in and I thought, this is it. I'm a strong swimmer and I thought, I'm gone. I'm out and gone. Dead and gone. And they market that for children. He had to put a pole in to save me.

Had to grab up to the pole. Had to grab for the pole. Can I just say, babe, I really do appreciate your... I've got no tits, but swimming costumes, I've got quite a long torso. I find them very tricky.

They're either too low here or they're up my... I've written here, swim cosy. Babe, don't worry, it's on our list of things to fix in the world. we're gonna make swimming cozies one day sadly neither of us have massive chubs with which to measure on well we'll get you in babe maybe we'll get you in touch make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with hello fresh whip up tasty restaurant style meals in your own kitchen

without the high price tag of takeout and in less time than it takes to get delivery babe honestly hello fresh has saved me so many times and now my inners think i can actually cook even though all i've done is followed the recipe and had the ingredients delivered to my door. But babe, you are cooking. It's absolutely genius. And also, it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at because there's variety from HelloFresh. There's so much choice. You can get 10 free meals at HelloFresh.com slash free Ali G applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to HelloFresh.com slash free Ali G.

You're welcome. People number two. Yeah. Yes, please. Thank you, Rih you rahana hello girlies i have seen on your story that you want a few messages this week and i have got an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction so i am a dancer and i was once in a dance show so wasn't just a wardrobe it was a full-on costume and what we had to do is it was a ballet number it was to Les Mis and it was absolutely gorgeous and the act before us was a drama of Les Mis so they had the smoke machines out it was dramatic the lights were on the stage we were getting ready backstage and our costume was a white leotard with a black

light up tutu so the idea was that the lights were going to go out and we were going to do ballet and with these light up leotards and it was going to be gorgeous and these smoke machines were really strong so every time the door opened for backstage we got like a waft of this smoke machine so i said to everyone i was like for this these smoke machines are really really strong like actually inhaling smoke right now and everyone's like yeah you can see the smoke and all of a sudden i just get chucked a bucket of water at me because my tutu, my light-up tutu had set on fire. No. The lights inside this netted tutu had sparked

and the net of the tutu was on fire. So somebody, which by the way, having water thrown at me with electrical equipment could have given me an electric shock. Nobody thought of that nobody thought to be like take your tutu off you know stamp on it stop drop and roll would have been my thing to do if i would have known i was on fire but hey and i had to take the tutu off go out on stage and dance in just a white leotard and i ran back out and then got screamed at by

the director because i'd gone on without a costume screamed up for a good three minutes and then i told him that i got set on fire and he just went home oh babe the show must go on that is real showbiz they're coming on do you hear the people singing the song of angry men it is the music of a people who will not be slain again no more no no no more

I want to stop her the other one I've written down is oh no we don't actually need a rendition of all the Les Mis songs from you

thank you I dreamed a dream of time gone by and then she's shaving off her she's shaving off her, she's shaving off her hair.

Do you think Les Mis is your fave? No, definitely not. It's far too depressing. Well, it would have been depressing watching her. Imagine she goes up in flames. For God's sake. You know, my mum,

she, when she was growing up, my mum grew up in Malaysia, she used to do this like Indian dancing and it's like, she always sings this song it's like and she does this like funny thing but you're holding candles in both hands oh stress and so like her whole hair she would like twirl she had really long hair like me and she went up in flames

the whole thing I had that in so house the other day day. Sorry, I was at dinner, and this woman, she leant back to do a big laugh. No! You know on the sofas where they're back to back, there was a candle stupidly in between the two sofas. She went like this. Her wig. How did you know it was a wig? Because she took it off, babe, because it was on fire.

Because she went like this. No! Through the wig. Yeah, and they did stop, drop and roll, to be fair to them. Did she have any hair underneath? Yeah, she did have hair underneath. Wild. I know, God love her.

It's very dangerous. She must be careful. What did they do? She just chucked the wig away. Oh, they gave her a free drink. Yeah, it was all really stressful. Did she give her more than a free drink? To be fair, it didn't all go up in flames.

I know, she wasn't happy. You wouldn't want to be wearing a singed wig. Oh, so bad. It was so bad. That actually really puts the fear of God in flames. I know she wasn't happy. You wouldn't want to be wearing a singed wig. Oh, so bad. It was so bad. That actually really puts the fear of God in me. Think about Claudia Winkleman's little girl. Do you remember that? No. My God, do you not remember she was wearing that Halloween costume? No. And they were out trick-or-treating

and she went up in flames. Like, fully hospitalised because she was so poorly from the burns. I know. From what? From a candle? A flammable Halloween costume that, yeah, caught on a jack-o'-lantern. That's really bad. That, I'm sorry,

health and safety. Where were the mums? Where were the mums on guard? Where were the fire wardens? You can't have the kids singing Bring Him Home or whatever they were singing. Babe, do you hear

the people sing? Do you hear the people sing? And they're all going up in flames with their tutus on. Also, that is a lesson to not buy highly flammable clothing. I'm sorry. We best stop shopping at 10. I know.

I know. By the way, okay, you little witches. Okay, if we're going to share the info on where we get our stuff, you must not sell it out. I went to buy my sodding red pointy Dorothy shoes and they were gone. Now they don't even, they've discontinued the fucking item. We didn't even have an affiliate link for that.

So we didn't even get any money on TikTok shop. And everyone got them apart from me and I was the person originally that found them and even sent them round. No. Yes. You didn't invent that shit. I found them,

but I just wasn't sure. You were the person who said that Temu was okay. So then we all, I've got steam coming out my ears now. Someone in this room is going to get set on fire. This feels like karma for ignoring me during the debrief. If only she'd have listened. Right?

Yeah. No, because she was saying there was no need to listen to the debrief. I should have just ordered my shoes. I should have. Sorry. Lots of love to you, babe. My shoes were... We've done that episode now and I still haven't got my shoes. So try me.

He ain't got my shoes. He ain't got my shoes. Pippa that episode now and i suddenly got my shoes so um people number three yes please please we're rattling through them today love it hey girls okay so here is my really embarrassing wardrobe malfunction so i am a dancer and i just graduated from performing arts college and as part of course, we had to do a little fashion show in our third year. I, of course, had quite a few quick changes in the show. One of them was from a double denim outfit into a bikini. And the one straight after that was from the bikini into a festival outfit. Now, this fashion show was kind of a little bit of a big deal because our teachers were there, there was casting directors there for future jobs. So we do the dress run, everything's going great.

I'm thinking, do you know what? I've absolutely smashed this. I could see me in the Victoria Secret fashion shows strutting my thing. Everything's great. We get to the actual show. I do my first quick change from the denim into the bikini. It goes great. I'm living my best life. Put the festival outfit on. Now I don't know what I did, whether the play suit was faulty or whether I put it on wrong, but there's cutouts everywhere. There's one arm here, one arm there. Anyway, I'm doing my thing. I'm doing my little dance. Everyone else walks off. There's three of us left. We catwalk up and down the little runway and my strap decides to snap in half my whole entire top half of my play suit is just dangling on the floor and I'm stood there obviously I carried on the true professional

I am and we all laughed and joked about it everything was fine anyway in the next couple days later we get a link for the photos thank god there's no photos of my tits on there everything's great so I post a photo of me in my bikini so it's all over Instagram I'm thinking I look great this is the start of my modeling career everything's fine fast forward a few months my friend comes to stay over because you've got a really really big job lined up we're really excited we're chatting about life having a bit of catch-up we get onto the topic of fashion show and I obviously tell her the story we're both laughing everything's fine so I pull up the picture of me in a bikini and then I see her zoom in and she looks really confused and she hands the phone to me and she

says um what's that I zoom in and of course it's none other than my flap my flap was hanging out of my bikini bottoms so not only in front of all of these people did my play suit break and my whole entire top half was just hanging out but also in the bikini i had a flap hanging out and no one thought to tell me so my whole entire year group has seen my flap my teachers have seen my flap these casting directors have seen my flap and the whole of instagram has also seen my flap oh my god free the flap also seen my flap. Oh my god, free the flap, baby. Free the flap. You have got to get yourself to Specsavers. The fact that you didn't see that. How did everyone miss that? No, until your friend zoomed in, you didn't see your own fucking labia

hanging out of your bikini bottoms. No, don't worry, it was just the flap, not the labia. Thank God, that would have been a whole new level. Flap, labia, to be honest with you, babe, it's all the same kind of thing. I think flap's a bit more PG because it looks like skin. Maybe it just looked like a leg. And also, I don't often, I do find it odd, you know,

like it's such a mum thing to do when they get a picture and they start trying to zoom in and you're like, oh, mum, you can't really do that on Instagram. Get off. I would do that if myself, if I'd been...

Would you? No, but also... You'd notice. How did she not notice the flap? How would you not feel your flap hanging out? She was living her best life, wasn't she? I'd have had some tip tape on those pants.

I wouldn't be doing a fashion show with a free flying bikini. That is a risk. That's an ad not to be a model in a university fashion show. Oh, babe. Your flap's out. Flap's out, babe. What would you do? Why would no one say in the crowd,

why would no one shout? And that's really mean as well. I think that's mean because like a boob is a boob. Yeah. Oh yeah, sorry, I totally forgot she flashed everyone her tits as well.

What a nightmare. I love that she just carried on. What would you do if that happened? Because I would just like really play into it. I'd like, you know, like junga junga them. I probably wouldn't go like that, no.

I'd be like, hey, Macarena. Yeah, I might do a shimmy. Do you know what I mean? I probably wouldn't go like that, no. I'd be like, hey, Macarena. Yeah, I might do a shimmy. Do you know what I mean? I might turn around and shimmy off. But you can't really shimmy your flap. I can't believe she didn't notice her flap was out. Oh, babe, can you feel it?

That's what I'm thinking. I think you might need to... When you get a flap misplaced, it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world. Oh, that picture's everywhere. No advice for you, babe. Otherwise, maybe, other than maybe, like, you know, get some sensation back in the world. Oh, that picture's everywhere. No advice for you, babe. Otherwise, maybe, other than maybe like,

you know, get some sensation back in your flaps. I don't know that I've actually got much sensation in my flaps. I think I know, babe. And I think I'd do

a triple check down there if I was about to walk down a runway. But a fast change is a fast change. That's really unfair because I was talking about nudes yesterday

with someone. Oh, go on. But that's self-inflicted, isn't it, when you send nudes around and you take the risk, you trust the person you send them to. Do you know what I mean? Well, that's what...

That is unfair. That's not self-inflicted. That's a flap out in the world and you didn't ask for it. But someone on the way out, in the crowd, should have said... Also, the photographer,

why were you not editing and looking closely at those pictures? He wouldn't have noticed, babe. Think about how many pictures he's got. He's not zooming in on her flat. I just feel like that might be his job. To zoom in on her flat? Yes.

Actually, we should tell every photographer we ever work with, if I'm in a bikini, you best check I've not got any areola or any flap out. Well, don't worry, we're getting the latch assistant for you for that issue, so that's a separate topic. That doesn't make your areola bigger or smaller I'm afraid. Makes it smaller doesn't it? Don't think something

makes them bigger pops them out. That's for popping the nipple. Yeah. That doesn't matter that's irrelevant it's whether the photographer is looking at his work.

That's awful. Babe I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry babe. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm so sorry that picture's everywhere. Listen it's just a flap

we've all got them don't worry too much about it. And actually Trini Woodall once said, because she had a really bad nip slip on a live once, like on an Instagram live, and everyone was messaging her

being like, oh my God, Trini, your nipple's out. And she did a really- It's your nipple, Trini! Yeah, and everyone was like, she did this really lovely post the following day

that was like, I really appreciate it, but like everyone's got nipples, so it's fine. It's fine. It's just a nipple. Like they're not green unless you've got, what's that thing? I'm sorry. I mean, it's but like everyone's got nipples, so it's fine. It's fine. It's just a nipple. Like they're not green. Unless you've got,

what's that thing? I'm sorry. I mean, it's not ideal trend. No, but like, unless you've got, you know, like a green flap, I don't think it's a huge issue. Well, even if you've got a green flap,

get your green flap out. Well, no. If you've got a green flap, go to the doctor. First it was the blue waffle, now it's the green flap. Blue waffle! Thank you!

What is blue waffle? You don't know what blue waffle is, babe? I kind of know that it's the green flat. Blue waffle! Thank you! What is blue waffle? You don't know what blue waffle is, babe. I kind of know that it's like this weird thing that people have watched, but I don't know what it is. It's this blue vagina that's like infected with mould, isn't it? That. Did I make that up? Fact check. Fact check on the blue waffle.

What I understand to be the blue waffle... Have you seen it? Years ago. Someone's nanny... Someone's infected... Was a bit poorly. Yeah, like, not was a bit poorly. Yeah, like,

not just a bit, like mouldy and like infected. Not mouldy. You can't get a mouldy body part, can you? Yeah, babe, if you get a bacterial infection that you don't deal with,

it was like a blue waffle. But why was it a waffle? Because like, I don't know, I don't know why they chose, I don't know why they chose that word.

It just sounds like a bloke made a joke out of something rubbish. Well, I think it was a joke, probably. It's not very funny. It's not very funny if your funny's falling off. I think it's chlamydia. Huh?

Chlamydia. It looks like it's chlamydia. No. Why is it blue? I'm not sure. You kill me. That's what Google's saying. It is chlamydia.

It can go blue. It's a contagious sexually transmitted infection. Blue wafflers? Yeah, affecting only women. I thought it was a type of porn. I thought it's a contagious sexually transmitted infection blue waffle is yeah affecting affecting only women I thought it was a type of porn I thought it was a joke causing a blue discolouration

of the vagina so it's real babe where's your STI test coming back oh I'm clear great I'm in the clear no blue waffle here

they don't test for blue waffle I best add that to the list I'm going to speak to Sexual Health London and say can you add that to the list can you add that after you ask me if I've had sex with anyone from Africa in the last and say can you add that to the list can you add that after you ask me

if I've had sex with anyone from Africa in the last two weeks could you add blue waffles yeah and also what's it called scabies apparently that's going round

and I've got this weird lump on my finger do you think that's scabies oh shit do you I do think that's a sexually transmitted disease it is

because you pass it through bodily contact so normally you would get it through having sex no you could have it from hugging someone no you can't let me see

how often do you whip down to your knickers and hug for a long period of time? Is scabies on your fingers? I don't think you've got that. Yeah, it comes around your wrist. Oh, really? And it gets everywhere.

It goes everywhere, but you can do it through hugging. I don't think you can. You've got to be naked. No. It's long periods of time. You can't just hug a stranger.

I got to uni, and within my first three days, the guy I lived with got scabies, and we all had to cover our bodies. Did you have to fumigate? Yeah. And put your clothes in bin bags?

We had to like... So you can't get it from hugging? Boil our sheets and stuff. Look. Sorry. Is that a scabie? Don't touch her. She's got it.

Well, you hugged me, so thanks for that. Hey, what is that? That doesn't look very good. Doesn't look right, does it? What is that? Pussy spot on your finger. Fucking hell.

This is not Blue Waffle. Thank God it's not Blue Waffle. Okay, so I do have a sneaky Pippa number four. Yeah! Go on! It's not a wardrobe malfunction, but it's a malfunction, I can't even speak,

of sorts. Okay, we're ready. Love it. Hey, galleys. I thought I would send one other voice note to tell you about a first date situation because you asked for silly, funny moments of first dates. So I am blind. I can see a little bit, but I can't see a ton. And I have a fake eye in my left eye. And I've had it since I was 16. And it can come out.

It can come out. And I can take it in and out of my eye. And so there was this one time, I think it was like 22, 21. I was on this first date with this guy. And we're going out to a burger place. And it was great, 21. I was on this first date with this guy and we're going out to a burger place and it was great, whatever. And then we ended up like having our first kiss after the date. And I was kissing this guy

and I just felt in my eye that something was not right. Needless to say, my fake eye fell out while we were kissing. I don't think he noticed. I like put my hand over my eye and was like, oh my God, I have to go to the bathroom and like ran away from him and went to the bathroom and put it back in

and came out and like continue to kiss him. But that happened to me and that's something foundational in my dating history. That was over 10 years ago now. Happy to report my fake eye has not fell out during a first kiss since. Has it fallen out in other inopportune times? Like, for example, giving a blowjob, potentially.

Potentially more worse now that I think about that, now that I say that out loud. Probably worse than that, than it falling out during a first kiss. But you know what? Either way, having your fake eye fall out while you are engaging in any kind of romantic behavior is a lot.

And that is my... That's my life, ladies. That is what I deal with. But I deal with it with humor. But I thought I would share for the pod. For the sake of the pod, Galleys, I'm here for you. Okay, take care. Love ya.

Love ya. For the sake of the pod. Hell yeah. I'm in bits. Babe, you're a legend. You're a legend. I do have some questions and I don't mean to be insensitive.

Number one. Go on, that's a good disclaimer. Say something insensitive. No, no, because I don't want to get cancelled for saying I'm insensitive about a fake eye, but I just do have questions. Go on. Number one, what's it made of?

Don't know. Number two, how does it... Is it glass? Is it glass? Oh, you wouldn't want it to shatter? Maybe it's not, I don't know. Oh, shit, my eye's falling out, it's broken. What will I do now?

Number two, how does it fall out so quickly? You must go back and ask them to secure it properly. Yeah, what's happening there? Why is it so loose, loosey-goosey? Why is your eye socket so baggy? Maybe it would actually do us good if you did get cancelled. You can have prosthetic eyes so they're not glass anymore. Oh, got it.

Even still, it should be drilled in or something. She needs a bit of tip tape on her eyes. It shouldn't be crazy. Maybe it's uncomfortable, babes. You've got to be able to take it out. Like when you sleep, you don't want to be sleeping in your prosthetic eye. You want to be your natural stay and have your eye out when you're asleep. But it shouldn't be falling out mid-blowy.

How hard are you blowing is what I want to know you must be blowing pretty hard written here fourth question mark imagine you blow so hard that you like normally i've had an ear pop before i guess it's similar i've had snot come out too i've had a fart rocket queef yep you know all those things and all my eye falling out i've never had an eye fall out oh my god babe that is brilliant like sorry you trumped falling out I've never had an eye fall out oh my god babe that is brilliant like sorry you trumped the flap

you can have a flap fall out but you wouldn't want your eye falling out that's what I mean wild I'd have so much fun playing pranks on people oh my god

you could just literally like they could go to the toilet and you could just put your eye on their plate and when they came back from the loo on your first date

imagine they come back from the loo and they're like, oh my God, oh my God, there's an eye on my plane. And you go, surprise! And you show them your eye socket. Really good. Or you like, you don't tell them and then like all of a sudden your eye falls out

and you're like, oh my God! Yeah. Panic. Oh my fucking God, my eyes, my fucking eye is falling out. As if, yeah, it's brilliant. Like as if like, you know, you need to go to hospital or something. Imagine the fun you could have. As if, yeah, it's brilliant. Like as if like, you know, you need to go to hospital

or something. Imagine the fun you could have. My main question is, how the fuck is he not noticing that your whole eye has fallen out of your face? Whilst you're having a snog,

how hard are you snogging? Again, what is the pressure level of the snogging and the blowing? Why so hard? Where's it going? If you're snogging... She must have caught it

because she must feel it coming out what a catch what a catch what a catch to the toilet did it bounce off his face or something

no it will have just bounced off his cheek I guess if you're quite close then he probably half caught it and then she just goes like this oh I've got to go to the bathroom oh sure oh sorry

I've just got an itchy eye also he's probably a bit like you like you know doesn't want to be insensitive so he thinks oh I won't say anything I would have even said are you okay are you okay what's rushing to the toilet for Probably a bit like you, like, you know, doesn't want to be insensitive, so thinks, oh, I won't say anything. I would have even said,

are you okay? Are you okay? What's rushing to the toilet for? That is brilliant. I suppose that is a wardrobe malfunction, actually, Rahana. I think that was a very good voicemail choice. I agree.

Very good. Should we debrief? Let's do a debrief. I just got, what's her name? Oh, sorry, Pippa. Pippa Four. Pippa Four.

Pippa One and Pippa Four, I think, are the same person, aren't they? No, different people. Different people. But Pippa Four has voice noted before. Pippa, sorry. Pippa 4. Pippa 4, Pippa 1 and Pippa 4 I think are the same person, aren't they? No, different people. Different people. But Pippa 4 has voice noted before. Pippa 4 loves it. She just gets in the DMs all the time. Pippa 4. No, start from Pippa 1, please.

Sorry, Pippa 1. Pippa 1, swimming, drowning with her chubbs out. Oh, you've really been overshadowed by the saggy eye. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for you. Please stop saying saggy eye. Saggy eye socket, so that's what I meant to say.

Not better. It just gets worse. Good. No, babe, I'm joking. Obviously, lots of love. Hope you're okay. She did say she deals with it with humour. Humour.

Humour, not insult. I'm just joining in. Saggy eye. It's like when you say, what was that? Oh, God, no, I've spoken about this on Drive Thru. Sorry, I'll move on.

No, no, go on. Well, I was going to say about the, you can take the piss out of my chibi boobs and as can I. She can take the piss out of her eye, but you can't, you don't know her. So you must apologise. Oh, Pip, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean, I didn't mean any harm by it. I was just having a laugh. Pip number two, set on fire whilst trying to dance to Les Mis. Oh, babe. Just, I don't know, next time maybe open a window or something. We've had a lot of dancers. It seems like dancers are in a world of trouble with costume.

I did think this whole episode is an advert to not be a dancer. Yeah. Or a model, to be honest with you. Well, because also you kind of are just like a doll. And people just dress you up and they think they can put you in flammable tutus. Or they think they can have your flap out down the runway.

Do you know what I mean? And take pictures of you. It's abuse after abuse and it's not right. Pippa number three. Tits and flap. Oh, tits and flap, babe. On the gram. Everyone's got them.

So that's something to be safe in the knowledge of. Yes, and actually you're doing one for the girlies. Because, you know, someone else might think, oh, my flat falls out of my knickers. Is that normal? La la la. And you're telling us it is. And I would say,

maybe archive it from Instagram. Maybe you don't need to keep that up there if you've got a really serious job now. I'd report that image and see if Instagram can just remove the whole thing. Surely they can do stuff like that nowadays. Is it on her own account? She said all her friends are posting it.

Oh dear, well she best... That does make me think, sorry, I hate to bring it up, but we've got a really good arrangement where nothing gets put up unless we've okayed it with each other. Yeah, but you wouldn't have that with your university. You know when a friend snakes you and you think... Sorry, you've snaked me there. Why have you put that picture up where I look that awful?

I think that's an automatic demotion of friendship. I agree. I actually think that's you in the bin. You know I look bad there. And what, you look so good. There was one picture that you did that last year with Steph, babe. Where she is off her head and you were like,

I just had to put that on. Steph Van Doon? At our wedding. She was hammered. Emily Mars. Sure. Sure. And, um...

She looked fit, though. She just looked pissed. Oh, yeah, no, she did look pissed. That's fine. Yeah, fine. If you look fit and pissed, it's fine. If you look like Shrek and you're still posting that picture of me.

That's when I've got problems. Z-motion, automatic. And if my flap's out, even bigger. Sorry. Sorry. You're in the bin. Not my friend anymore. Do you know what I mean?

And then, star of the week. Star of the week. Obviously she's star of the week. Star of the week because... Sorry, I have a question as well. Go on. Lots of people give their like fake eyes

or fake like limbs or whatever they give them names like i was listening to this book about this woman who was in the she was i don't know if it's what it must have been world war ii and she had a fake leg called cuthbert i just wondered did you name your fake eye please tell us we must know also one of my like oldest friends i won't say her name because she does have quite a high power job she um has an eye that doesn't work and at one point she was going to get a prosthetic eye and she was like i'm going to go and get to design it i was like oh my god you have to pick your color yeah and i said you could have two different lens colors how cool definitely go

different yeah i'd want one green one blue but i really did think that it was sort of like a drill, like a nut and a bolt situation. I didn't think it was popping in and out every day. I'm not going to lie. Wow, that is wild. We've learned so much today. Ron is wrapping us up now. If you've enjoyed...

If you've enjoyed this podcast and you haven't been overly offended by my lack of... My lack of... Sensitivity. ...to the fake eye uh then please subscribe like review please leave us five stars otherwise really don't bother leaving us a review we love you please send us a voice note this podcast only exists and uh thrives and survives if we receive good voice notes every week. Absolutely.

So thank you so much for listening and we will see you next week. We love you. Goodbye. Bye.