Leave A Message with Ally & G - 14 - You're Not A Bad Person, You Did A Bad Thing

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

When historians look back at where the world truly fell apart, they'll come to find that it was this weeks stories from the gallies that really tipped the world over the edge. On this week's Leave A Message we cover everything from hiding botox from your Mum (or trying to) to first kisses. Plus there's an extra-curricular story from Ally (read: she farted in public) and we all learn one big lesson: don't poo on the floor! Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay welcome to leave a message this is leave a message with ali and g this is where we listen to your voice notes and talk all about them talk all about them divululge way too much of our own personal information. I thought that the other day, actually. I did think, wow. Because I can't remember what I was thinking about, but I was like, God, I don't think I'd mention that on the pod. There are a lot of things that I somehow managed to say on this pod. And then I say them, and I think,

oh, that was one that I was going to keep to myself. And then I watch the edit back, and I think, mm-mm, could do with a cut there. I could have gone without that. Could have. Wow, that's so interesting. Did my mum need to know that? Do you know what I mean?

Luckily, my mum's not listening to us anymore. She'd have a heart attack by now. My mum is still listening. I didn't know, but she told me. Oh, dear. She's still a listener. What did she say? This is the...

I'm thrilled, actually. I'm so delighted that my mother's not our number one supporter. I think that's really good, actually. I could not do... I wouldn't be able to say half the things. I know. What did your mum say? No, but Al, like thought she was hiding um her botox from her mom

and her mom literally looked at him was like your forehead doesn't move how would i know you didn't have botox so good she was like it's so obvious so obvious i mean it is it is and she's asked for it to be obvious so do you know what i mean i didn't go there saying make me look natural i said make me look pumped up babe pumped up frozen pump it up pumped up kicks pump up the jam um wait sorry tell everyone about what your mum said about the drugs because that's hilarious oh yeah god my mum was asking me whether I'd ever participated in extracurricular activity and um I was like mum like have you not like have you know when you just try and get them at their own game, like when she's always like so like obsessed with me wearing durox. And I'm just like, God, have you never had condomless sex?

Like, relax yourself. So then I was like, you know, have you never played, you know, around with, you know, bits and bobs in your past? And she's just like, well, I smoked marijuana once or twice. I was like, whoa. They married Joanna. I got wrecked. And then she was like,

I'm hoping you're not doing class A's. Well, I'm hoping you haven't done any class A's, Georgie. And she gets so serious and she goes all scousy. She's like, well, I can't even do a scouse accent now. Oh, God, well, I hope you haven't been doing any class A's.

Like so serious. And I'm like, I don't want to talk to you about this anymore. This conversation is over. And that's my right as an adult. I must just finish telling you about, I'm not finished, start telling you about my Trump.

Oh, she did a big bad Trump. I was thinking this, I should have said this on last week's episode because we were talking about those things when you're like, wasn't me. Oh yeah, no, that's a white lie that I would take to the grave. Wasn't me, I don't know.

I wouldn't smell like that if I did a Trump like that. My Trumps the grave wasn't me i don't know who i wouldn't smell like that if i did to trump like my drums don't smell i was at michael mcintyre at the ovo wembley arena and he was like honestly i was pissing myself and he was too funny so you couldn't control your movements and i'd had a big salad just before like like a very like quinoa like all the bits like the nachos like you know things that just make you trump bit gassy right and anyway it's packed completely not a seat empty that's nice for him really good and he did three nights there wow hacked and must be raking it in mike raking it absolutely raking it in and um and i and i did i let out a trump and sometimes you don't know if it's really brave to do that in a crowded room

can I tell you what if I didn't do it I would have had the worst like gut ache and I would rather have just like sat there in shame stank out the whole

of the ovo than have gut ache so I did it and then sometimes though those silent ones they're no smell no smell you've got away with it

you're gravy it's like when you do one when you've just slept with someone you do it in your sleep and you just think poof do you know what I mean and then like R it's like when you do one when you've just slept with someone you do it in your sleep and you just think poof do you know what I mean

and then like Rana the shock have you never he was actually doing a joke about this it's my worst nightmare yeah it is mortifying he was doing a joke

about that about like when you can feel like the fart getting into like it's final chamber like it's ready and like it's like fart chamber

full waiting for instruction release or repeat release or repeat and it's like release 20 repeat and it's like release 20 so it's like oh no and you were actually taking it literally i did a whole you were doing instruction you just thought god go on then michael and it smelled like a dead animal i honestly thought what the fuck have i eaten in the last 48 hours i actually know what your farts smell like

and i feel very sorry but i think we should write to every single person that was sat around you we must contact the OVO and ask for their names. And then the woman in front of me starts looking around. Oh no! And then I start.

Karen, turn back around and I'll fart on you again. And then I thought I'd best join in so I'm desperately looking at Raw. God, what a smell.

Obviously Raw knows it's me. You smelt your fart before. Raw's so sweet though. If we were at a dinner table with friends and I did that because I can't keep it in, he would take the blame for it. Sweet, he's like a Labrador.

He is actually a golden retriever boyfriend. He is like 10-10 golden retriever. I think he's like... Chef's kiss. He's chef's kiss. Anyway, yeah, I just want to say that if you're having those situations,

listen, you've got to let it out. I really recommend letting it out and like let other people sit in your shit it's fine maybe don't shit like actually follow through well farts are actually

just shit particles in air form really that's what they are just when you say it like that it just is so gross isn't it I guess it is gross it is gross

that's the human body for you that's the human body and you know if we overshare, we overshare. That's what we do in life. That's our job. We've started this podcast off doing exactly that, diverging far too much personal information.

We're not here to talk about my trumping and her Class A activity. We're here to talk about your voice notes, your voice messages. Our DMs are so full, so we thought we'd best centralise this into a group chat. So, what are the galleys

called this week, babe? I'd like to call the galleys Julian. Okay. I've just become obsessed, as you can see, with Superdry and Julian Dungerton,

the founder of Superdry, deserves a shout out, I think. How do you even know that? Because he's like famous in Cheltenham because he basically owns half of Cheltenham.

He's from Cheltenham, the guy that started Superdry. I don't know if he's from Cheltenham because he basically owns half of Cheltenham he's from Cheltenham the guy that started super dry from Cheltenham but he definitely owns like every single cool place to like eat or hang out in Cheltenham yeah Julian it is Julian it's a mixed bag today we should say so don't expect a theme from us tell you what you go tell you what you're given sometimes there's voice notes that's a cool way to hold a mic isn't it that's really good I don't like a pop star um sometimes there's voice notes. That's a cool way to hold a mic, isn't it? That's really good. I don't like a pop star. Sometimes there's voice notes that don't quite fit in to the episode themes,

but they're good and we don't want to lose them. So this is where the mixed bag comes in. You know what I mean? When we do those mixed bags, sometimes they're the best of the best. So let's get rolling. So hi, Gallys. I was going to send this voice note in a while ago

and I'm so glad I didn't because the developments are actually mad. So I was going to get into it because Rihanna,, and I'm so glad I didn't, because the developments are actually mad. So I was going to get into it, because, Rohana, I've written a script for you. Don't you stress. So basically, I was with my boyfriend for three years, and we were, like, close, close family friends. Like, our mums are besties.

But, like, when I was in it, I thought it was great. Like, didn't have to meet the parents, because, you know, I've known them since I was four. Easy. But in hindsight, would not recommend dating a family friend never again but classic he went off with me for like a few days said he was fine then randomly like broke up with me um because he needed to work on himself and be by himself like the classic just wanted to be single basically and I was like really supportive and I like totally understood and was way too kind and lovely because you know just me um and he was

still like texting me and like calling me for a while um and then I found out he like was kissing someone else like when he was still texting me um and then would call me like for four hours at like 3am so i find that out and obviously i'm fuming um i may add this girl i saw him out with the week before he broke up with me but again i was just such a great girlfriend i really didn't think much of it um so i kept like asking him, did you cheat on me with her? I reckon I asked like about 10 times over like a couple of weeks, but apparently no, nothing's happening and they're just friends. Cool, cool, you know, I will trust you because you've got to trust someone until they prove you shouldn't trust them, you know?

And then loads of other disrespectful things over the last two months. So I don't speak to him or like hear from him for like a month at a bit and then out of the blue he texts me to for him to come around because he wants to tell me something out of respect and he doesn't want me to hear it from someone else um and he comes around and says he's with her shock not um and that he didn't want to be single and he was confused and the feeling that he thought he wanted to be single was actually that there was something missing in our relationship but I said well what's that then and he couldn't tell me he didn't know what that was so oh and for context we're in the last year of uni and his new girl is currently revising her a-levels so honestly never felt

disrespect like it but you know everything's a life lesson. Everything's a lesson or a blessing. Oh, Julianne One. I've just written here in bold, big letters, dick. Dick. What a dick. And also like, you think you're doing someone a kindness by doing the whole, it's not you, it's me.

I need to work on myself, blah, blah, blah. But you've obviously had a thing with this girl and you obviously like her and i started dating her and it's just classic it's like i'm not a child don't lie to me if you're not happy you're not happy i leave i was gonna say the thing that i can't stand is like the lack of honesty like if you if you want to fuck me about be honest about it and maintaining hope like i don't want to have hope that you might find yourself and come back to me. You found someone else. In her sixth form years, you minger.

Sorry. This is why. I also have written down, babe, you've got a very flawed trust system going on here. Trust someone until they show you not to trust them. Are you mad? Have you been listening to us for the last 12 weeks, babe? That's what I like to do, babe.

Trust no one. Trust no one. The galleys trust no one. Sorry, Rihanna, before we actually get into the depths of this voice note, I would like your review on the quality of it.

This voice note? Yeah, because she said she wrote a script for you. Feedback is very clear, concise. And I'm really sorry this happened to you. No qualms on my end. Great, good.

Great voice note. Really good. Well, take note, girls. Our boss has signed it off. Really good. Voice note, boss. Captain of voice notes. Very serious.

Right, captain of voice notes. Listen, it is a flawed trust system and I know that everyone likes to pretend like everyone else is good. They're not. And like, you can't, I also would say,

I know you want to have hope, don't have hope. People often let you down. I'm really sorry to say it. Like, it's the truth though. That is the reality of life. It's a nasty thing to have hope, don't have hope. People often let you down. I'm really sorry to say it. Like, it's the truth though. That is the reality of life. It's a nasty thing to have to learn.

Yeah, the only person you can rely on is yourself. Yeah, and like, you can't hope that he's going to become a good person because he's clearly a wanker. And one thing I was going to say, like about the fact that he kind of had started like kissing girls like early on, still texting you. I do think young guys, or actually all guys,

are really good at compartmentalising. Young guys, I'm thinking all guys. Yeah, I don't think they grow out of it. I think they can like still want and need you in one capacity and also shag another girl. To have their cake and eat it. Yeah, and they're not confused by that.

And obviously we're looking at that behaviour and being like, sorry, you did what? But to them, it's just like, move on fast, move on hard, but also let me keep one foot in the door because I might change my mind and I don't want to lose that opportunity with the door ajar. I'm not excusing it,

but having obviously spent like, I mean, having spent a lot of time around Rory's friends over the years, I cannot impress. I think that we all think that boys deep it. They don't fucking think twice. They don't think twice? You're agonising and you're sat there and you're thinking,

what if I'll trust him? I'll, you know, like, I'll hold out hope for him. They've literally thought about, this sounds savage. It's the truth. They've had a laugh about it with their mates. They don't talk to their mates about anything so they've sat there thinking what shall I do

I'll make up some bullshit about being confused I'll crack on with the girl I really fancy and I'll spin up some it's horrible they're living on a different planet

we give them too much credit sometimes I think is the problem and I think like it's by his actions he's shown you

that he's not the person for you I mean I'm so sorry about your mum's being best friends because that is unbelievably uncomfortable like horrendous

and Adva do not go out with your family friends we talked about this last week yeah I just think it's like we just don't want anything too close to home do we so hard

because if everything went well it'd be perfect you're right you don't have to get to know his parents they love you you can't bank on that babe bank

on everything going well no way no way no way no way nine times out of ten unfortunately they don't and it's really hard because like you're young you're in your third year of uni like it's it's hard relationships are so hard and i mean you were together for three years that's a really long time and i'm so sorry that he just broke up with you like that and gave you no real excuse like what is what is wrong with him? It's also so savage when you, like, I feel like this in this situation when you think you know someone.

Yes. Especially if you've known them forever and then you started shagging them. It's like, I know you. And then it's like, who is this person I'm looking at? Do you know she's only 18? Just. Oh, I just think when someone shows you their true colours,

you have to take them at face value. Gotta see the colours. We are all masters of ignoring them. Ooh, yeah. Why would you do that to yourself, babe? Oh, I don't know. Hope. To throw a spanner in the works. Oh, come on.

A few episodes ago, we talked about playing within our families and you, Halle Mack, said it'd be great if I shagged Jack. I can't put this out, obviously, but... About my story? Yeah. It wasn't about my family.

Oh, God. No, she did. She said it would be absolutely epic if I shagged Jack. Oh, we were talking... No, no, this is about the story that I've never told anyone that was going to take it to my grave that now I'm not going to take it to my grave

because 20,000 people are going to listen to it. Oh, sorry. Wait, I don't remember this. I've had a stroke. No, no, it's really bad. My story. Oh, it's really bad. No, you can play it.

I don't care. Go on. I'm not friends with it's really bad. No, you can play it. I don't care. Go on. I'm not friends with any of them anymore. How are you going to segue in? I best have a sip of tea before Ali Max spills the tea. This isn't about... Okay, it is kind of related

because we weren't family friends. But yeah, anyway, it's bad. So, oh, fucking hell. So, I... It's so bad. I... she had this boyfriend at uni they were together for about two three years and i was at this party with him and i tripped and fell into his bed can you believe and when she ali max over there giving all this advice and look at the things

she's been up to the reasons it's bad is number one because we were friends for 15 years they've broken up yeah yeah like just

number two how just hours weeks no couple of months months just so everyone knows and I'll say it for the record

if anyone shags my ex-boyfriend and you've so much as said hello to me, I will kill you. Oh yeah, I don't think you're ever in the clear to shag your friend's ex, ever. Like not even in 50 years. Ever. Okay, the only exception is unless you're going to actually marry them and have their children

then fine. But other than that keep your fucking vagina tucked away. Keep it to yourself. Keep your fuck to yourself. keep your fucking you know vagina tucked away keep it to yourself keep your fuck to yourself arlie mike did not keep her flaps to herself keep my flats to myself and i woke up in the morning and i thought actually like like fuck then i also this was a decision i always fancied him a bit no babe no i just wild from you that is wild i also had my find my friends on so everyone knew i was at his house then i had to lie white lies no it was a big black black dark dark black lie jet black lie

and i said i'd got so drunk that he'd taken me home and like tended to me i bet he tended to you but he tended to you quite well then she found out I again lied oh sorry that puts me in a world of pain I lied and I said we only got off

we didn't we shagged about four or five times and then did you? she doesn't even know still to this day I pray to fucking god

she's not listening to this episode I actually odds on when we get this back to review I won't I'm going to stand by this because i think it's really disgusting what i did and i don't recommend it proud of you and um the other

reason it was bad can i tell you so i forgot to mention before out of any of this is that raw and i had already started seeing each other we know that yeah he know now surprise no and the worst thing is that i okay i had found out quite early on that on the day of our first date he'd gone home with the girl and i had given him him hell for three years about the fact that he was like a scummy cheating you know so you went a little bit hypocritical because you actually shagged someone and i knew the whole time that what i'd done and I'd still given him an earful for three years and then three years

and I thought best let him off the hook so I did tell him babe you're wild I did tell him that's wild I'm not a good person I don't

I really you're not a good person I listened to this thing earlier today about how you have like the metaphor is that you have two halves of your heart

one part is good and one part is bad and the beat in your chest is every day those halves fighting each other and every day one half wins so like you know when you have like a really bad day where you do a really bad thing the bad half one yeah but it doesn't mean you're a bad person because you'll wake up the next day and the good half might win also the like i can see it for what it is like i'm under no illusion that what i did was okay like i think that was really bad disgusting that i did that if someone had done that to me i'd honestly have like guillotined their head off i genuinely just thinking about it and i'm thinking murder would be appropriate and i would deserve the time

i'd serve the time and i never even faced it that's the worst of all of it is that i never did she say she did She was just like, you're a piece of shit. And I won't speak to you again. And I was like, yeah, yeah. She talks to you now? Yeah. Talks.

Like, we're not friends, but like, you know, we swept under the rug. She's had three boyfriends since then. Just when I was just, I would have just turned 21. Oh, you're so young. Yeah, you were just a bit

boy-hungry and dick-blind. And he... It doesn't justify a line. No, no, it's disgusting. But... Was he fair? Was he a good shag? Tell me something was worth it.

10 out of 10 shag. Really? 10-10? Oh, yeah, I did know that. Yeah. That doesn't make him good in bed. No, no, no. That was kind of like I thought, you know, maybe I'll cash in on this

and I'm still waiting for that favour to be called in. It was a kink. It was a right-wing kink. No, the whole thing was just bad. The whole thing was bad. I just want to say, and she was... Do you want to publicly apologise?

Yeah, she... No, I... I've just said I'm a disgusting person. I am truly sorry for what I did to you. She has had three boyfriends. You did a disgusting thing. You're not a disgusting person. I was on that night.

You're more disgusting for trumping in the Ovo, to be honest. That're not a disgusting person. I was on that night. You're more disgusting for trumping in the OVO, to be honest. That makes you a disgusting person. I think... You did a disgusting thing. I did a disgusting thing. Don't recommend to go back to close family and friends. Definitely don't recommend.

I think we all learn to stay well clear is the best thing to do. This is why, to be fair, when we were talking about it in like a couple of episodes ago, Al did say, I do have to tell this story because I am giving advice

and saying like, oh, that's so bad, scumbags, blah, blah, blah. And then she just had to say that once upon a time she accidentally participated in scumbag behavior. Oh, 100%.

Yeah. I'm by no means an angel, but I feel like that's why I can also understand, like, I do understand that people fuck I can also understand like I do understand that people fuck up and I just think like but if you fuck up

you've got to know that you fucked up. You've got to look it in the face. Yeah, yeah. And be able to say like what I did was shite. That's sometimes like the most telling thing

the action itself is bad it's how you deal with the aftermath that is actually important. And like for him to just go oh I was like confused that's bollocks you weren't you were seeing her own up to what you did yeah agreed everyone does bad things yeah i agree i agree in the words of lisa renner own it own it make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with HelloFresh.

Whip up tasty restaurant style meals in your own kitchen without the high price tag of takeout and in less time than it takes to get delivery. Babe, honestly, HelloFresh has saved me so many times. And now my in-laws think I can actually cook, even though all I've done is followed the recipe and had the ingredients delivered to my door. But babe, you are cooking. It's absolutely genius. And also, it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at

because there's variety from HelloFresh. There's so much choice. Come on. You can get 10 free meals at hellofresh.com slash free Ali G applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to HelloFresh.com slash free allergy. You're welcome.

Julian number two hey girls this is a story about cheating i have tried to send this voice note about five times and i keep messing up so hopefully this is a good one but so i had a friend my best friend for about four years in year eight so i was 13 so let's call her annabelle so me and annabelle best friend Annabelle had a boyfriend in year seven called Stephen we'll call him Stephen and Stephen and Annabelle had a thing but they broke up then me and Stephen had a thing but he also had a thing with Annabelle but me and Annabelle best friends so then one day Stephen's best friend, we'll call him Ben, Ben wanted to be with Annabelle. Annabelle didn't want that because Annabelle was talking to Stephen, but they didn't want anyone to know.

So they told everyone that I was talking to Stephen, even though I liked Stephen. And then me and Stephen ended up getting really close. We then ended up getting together. He was my boyfriend. And obviously Annabelle was not very then ended up getting together he was my boyfriend and obviously Annabelle was not very happy but Annabelle was my best friend but we were also both talking to him at the same time but then he decided to choose me and then I was about to it was the summer holidays I was about to meet up with Stephen you know know, my boyfriend, we were going to kiss for the first time. I was 13. I was in love. And I get a text from my other best friend saying that Annabelle had told her that she and Stephen

met up and they kissed. I was absolutely heartbroken. I screamed at him. I never really spoke to him again. That was it. Her, I haven't been friends with her. I'm now 18. Haven't been friends with her for, well, since I was 13. I mean, it was kind of, we knew it was coming. We were both talking to him at the same time. And he then decided to cheat on me with her. I'm still traumatised.

I will never forgive both of them. They broke my heart when I was 13. Babe, I'm really sorry. I think you've got to get over it. No. Do you know how old they are in year 11, 7, babe? 11 to 12. Do you know what?

I've had a similar thing happen to me and I don't think I'm over it now. She said it. I've just been triggered. I've just remembered my anger, actually. Sorry, I'm actually a bit lost. Before you get into your story, can we just, what the fuck?

There are so many people in this story. Yeah, okay. I can give you a little rundown. So basically, Annabelle and Julian, too, are friends. Yeah. Annabelle There are so many people in this story. Yeah, okay, I can give you a little rundown. So basically Annabelle and Julian too are friends. Yeah. Annabelle was actually with Stephen first in year seven. You know when you first go to year seven, you all get boyfriends.

It's like a tag team. You have to just find a boyfriend. First one in gets it. Exactly. Anyway, Annabelle then didn't really want to be with Stephen anymore. So then Julian too started chatting to Stephen. And Ben, Stephen's best friend, said that he fancied Annabelle.

So Julian too thought it was fine that she was chatting to Steve because Annabelle was chatting with Ben. But little did she know, Annabelle was actually still chatting to Stephen. She then started going out with Stephen. Annabelle's kind of like low-key pretending to be with Ben but is actually snogging Stephen on the weekend

when she was meant to be, Julian too was meant to be Stephen's girlfriend babe oh god I mean can I say when you're young and like okay so

at school in like year 8 maybe I fell in love with a boy called Charlie Vinton I've spoken about him before I will say do you want to change his name that is his real name

I've said his real name before do you want me to change it well not if it's out there already Parley Pinton his name's Parley Pinton yeah Parley Pinton his name's Parley Pinton yeah and I was like so in love with him like I literally thought that that was it

like I was going to be in love with him forever I lost my virginity to him I was with him for ages like young love so good anyway I actually broke up with him because I thought the grass was greener and i met this other guy called pam pooper at stagecoach my drama school and i fell in love with him he

actually like fay plunkett actually got with him in the end and sagged me off which was a bit annoying anyway i broke up with charlie but you know when you like... Parley. Parley, sorry. I broke up with Parley, but I kind of like felt like he was like mine because like we'd been out for so long when we were young, like honestly from like 12 to like 16, 15. Anyway, then Holes, good friend Holes, comes around to my house one day

and she's acting all weird, her and Marva there. And I'm like, why are you being so weird? She's like, I've got to tell you something. And I'm like, what? Faye and him are snogging. No, no, not Faye. She was snogging Pam Pooper. Sorry.

She was snogging Pam Pooper. Anyway, I was getting done in left, right and centre by all these little bitches. And she looks at me and she goes, Palace Poor is... Do I know this person? No. Palace Poor and Pally Pinton

are going out. I was like, you know what? This is one of my very good friends. Actually a family friend. We've been friends since we were probably about five. Going out.

They went out for like a couple of years. Fuming, I was. Absolutely fuming. Heartbroken. And he never told me. Never looked me in the eye and told me.

Couldn't believe it. Okay, this situation is different because Julian too, Annabelle was going out with him first true annabelle's got dibs and then julia yeah disobeyed the dibs oh yeah you're right so actually julian too maybe you had no um leg to stand on no leg to stand on but the kissing is annoying it was all a bit shady and also you know when you're excited for your first kiss where was your first kiss at a social i told you this and i went in and i bounced off his hat so i had to go in again and it was like horrible horrendous actually god mine was actually behind a cricket club in year six had a proper snog year six yeah that's so young so young they're like nine years old babe you're

snogging at nine i wasn't nine in year six. Yeah, nine to ten is year six. Year seven is 11 to 12. Year eight is... You should know to be fair, you're a tutor. 13 to 14. You were snogging at nine. Yeah, definitely year six. Wow.

Bought in on the water cricket club. I went behind the back with Greg Dickinson and I snogged his face off. Greg Prickinson. Greg Prickinson. Sorry, everyone. I will get better at changing names.

Yeah, babe, sorry. I just forget. I sadly don't think you've got first dibs. I think Annabelle's got dibs. Julian too. I actually am with Ali Mack and I rarely am, but I do think maybe it's time to let bygones be bygones. I think you should reach out to Annabelle actually

and say, oh, it was all so silly, wasn't it, babe? Shall we move on? I had this with my friend, PB, PB, PB, PG. You know my friend PG? Yeah, I know PG. Have we talked about this before? A little bit.

About the fact that we didn't speak to each other for like a year over her ex-boyfriend and now we both fucking hate him and now we just kind of laugh about it. Yeah, I don't know where we spoke about this, but basically, no, she stole your boyfriend. I had dibs.

Yeah, PG ignored the dibs. PG disobeyed the dibs and I, I mean, she... Pee-pee. She... Sorry. If you know the names, it's really good. Sorry. Peachy disobeyed the dibs and I I mean she sorry if you know the names it's really good

sorry she she disobeyed the dibs and I gave her I gave her a year of the silent treatment yeah well better than

five years and now I just think oh whatever oh it doesn't matter no one's marrying him who cares no one's gonna marry Stephen do you know what I mean

and if they do, you should be at the wedding and you should be a flower girl. I agree. And you should say, I'm glad you chose Annabelle over me, Stephen, because look at you now. I think for a sport like crushes like that,

because they are, they're crushes. It is frustrating when another girl wins though. I do think, oh, you did get picked. And you feel a bit on the bench. That's only because you're in competition. It's not actually that you're, you're pissed off that she won,

but you're not actually pissed off that she got Stephen because is Stephen even that good? He's probably spotty anyway. Stephen's probably got acne. Not that that's a bad thing, but I'm just saying. Oh no, I'm cancelled by the acne community. That was, guys, that was just a dig at Ally Mack

for her disgusting behaviour. That's all it was. Come on. I just wanted to give her a little... Whoops. Julian number three. Yeah, please. I nearly sent this voice note so many times all it was i just wanted to give her a little whoops julian number three yeah please i nearly sent this voice note so many times you can see from above that i sent one already and then

deleted it because it's so embarrassing but basically at my so my ex-boyfriend and I was together for the first year of uni and I stayed at his student accommodation. He had like Jack and Jill shared bathroom, you know, like as you do first year of uni, little bit of shit. And basically went out with his flatmates feeling quite nervous because, you know, new people don't really know them I got so insanely drunk that I woke up in the morning throwing up as you do after a really heavy night butt naked in his shared Jack and Jill toilet and then I was so hungover that I shat on his floor. Fully shat on his floor. And bear in mind, shared Jack and Jill, boys' bathroom. No toilet roll, no bleach, nothing. I was left to scrape up my hungover shit

whilst still throwing up in the toilet, into his toilet. Eventually had the like mint shower gel scrubbing this floor. Disgusting. Never again. Thank God it's next. And he still doesn't know this day. I'm so sorry.

I would disappear. I'm sorry. I would pack up all of my belongings and I'd be moving to i would just olivia run i'll be out of there sorry it's the link shower day out for me you know she's the mint the tingly mint one what is it then the green one the um what's it called what's it called like touch of nature or something whatever yes what was it called original sauce natural sauce something like that i got the sauce what the hell babe that is oh I'm mortified for you

because we've all been there but from alcohol that is really intense I swear to god I would get out I wouldn't even clean up I'd go out the other side through the other boys room

I'd leave my steaming shit on the floor go out the other side oh my god it must have been diarrhoea as well surely and then I would literally block his number

she had to use her hands to pick it up online she didn't have any toilet roll she must to use her hands, babe, to pick it up. I would do online. She didn't have any toilet roll. She must have used her hands. It was under her nails. Deep it.

That is going to tip me over the edge for Hannah. That, for me. I bet she was smelling it all day. Imagine you pick up your meal deal to eat your sandwich and you smell your shit on your fingers.

You would die. I would actually die of death. She must have done. That smell stays with you. You know when you can't like get things like just there's like a

like a millimetre like the nail and the skin is just yeah also you would go on like a kind of like microscopic level wouldn't you and think about all the particles

under there and I would just be stood there like really questioning my whole existence and just being like wow there's so much poo under my nail and will he ever shag me again

he didn't know wow that actually blew my mind with my hands for about six months babe i'm so sorry i would honestly be doing the no hands rule i wouldn't even be like hugging my mom that is so bad i wouldn't even be typing on my laptop babe i'd be so scared to get pink eye i'd be if you wash your face also imagine the smell because you've actually just vomited in the toilet and then you've actually just got to get the mint. Mint and poo is actually just the worst. I can't.

We've hit an all-time low. I actually can't, babe. I'm so sorry that happened to you because that was really mortifying. I'm actually going to die. Oh, and I know a boy's bathroom, they've got nothing. You're looking around and you're like,

nothing. Not a J-cloth, not an empty loo roll holder, nothing. Not even like a toothbrush holder an empty loo roll holder, nothing. Not even like a toothbrush holder to scoop the poo up with, nothing. Toothbrush holder?

You know like, something like circular to just like scoop it and you have to get it on your fucking fingernails. I could actually be sick. I could be violently unwell. I could go and do

what she just did now from hearing that. That is wild. I want to scoop your poo off the floor, don't you think so? I was getting sick and shit at the same time can I just say though

to make her feel better there was a lot of poo related embarrassing stories so fine it's not just you basically

we're not laughing to make you feel awful we're laughing to save I'm laughing because if it was me I would actually be so mortified there was another girl

did I tell someone I don't know if I talk about this but oh did I have I'm repeating myself there was't know if I'm talking about this, but I don't know if I'm repeating myself. There was this one guy. I'm sure I've told you this. I actually have the pictures somewhere on my phone. Pictures?

Of this guy. This girl had shagged this guy. This guy, she woke up in the morning and he had literally just disappeared. And she goes into the bathroom. There's a steaming shit on the floor and he left his boxers. He'd obviously just walked out the house.

Like, I don't know how he got out. Why had he done a poo on the floor? Because he'd obviously missed the bathroom. He was so pissed. The loo, he was so pissed. Oh, he was pissed. And he just left his jeans and his boxers were on her bathroom floor

and he wasn't there. So she was like, what has he left in? I think I'd actually really have to go to therapy for that. Walking into my bathroom and just seeing a shit. I'll find the picture when we're done. And also waking up and someone not being there, because that's also mortifying. Both things are mortifying. I think finding steaming shit on your floor

No, but you've got the double whammy. Is more mortifying than waking up in an empty bed. No, no, but you've got the double whammy, babe. That's what I'm saying. Oh, I think you could look past the empty bed, babe, if there was steaming shit on your floor. Do you know what I mean? I think that is wild. I'm sorry. I feel unwell. Fingernails. That's really tickled me.

That is brilliant, babe. I'm so sorry. But don't worry about it because everyone has issues with their bowels sometimes. Oh, babe, don't worry. I just gassed everyone in the Ovo Wembley Arena.

Don't worry about it. There's nothing to worry about, honestly. I mean, I don't have shit under my fingernails. Also, well-cleaned. Very Mrs. Hinge. Very innovative that you use your hands

and the mint shower gel. Oh, time for a debrief. Oh, I don't know where to start. Oh, goodness me. Right, the first one is, shall I give you your best friend's story? Your family, friends, and he's confused. He broke up with you because he was confused,

but then he's in a relationship two minutes later. It's always the way. It's like when you've got a boyfriend, right? I haven't had this happen to me, but I know it does happen. And they go, yeah, no, I really don't want kids. I don't really want marriage. And then next year, like, the wife's up the duff, and, you know, they've bought it does happen and they go yeah no I really don't want kids I don't really want marriage and then next year

like the wife's up the duff and you know they've bought a house and they're married and you just think wow you just didn't want me that's so savage but then just say that

because I just think it's worse to be under a false sense of security horrible well and also I just think like don't not everyone is a bit shit

actually but people that show you they're shit you must believe they are yes in that moment they're But people that show you they're shit, you must believe they are. Yes. In that moment, they're not ready for anything

because they're being shit. And don't wait for anyone, babe. Live your life. Live your life. We were talking to... Don't go to Barbara's barbecues. Do you know what I mean? Don't bump into him.

Yeah. Stay separate from the family friendship. That's a good one because sometimes it's like a drug. You can't not look at the... Yeah, and you also want to ask Barbara, like, so what's Matt up to? Yeah, horrible.

Don't do that. Year seven. Julian, number two, didn't get the guy. Babe, I think you've got to bury the hatchet a bit. I think you've actually got a message. I actually implore you to message Annabelle and say, babe, it was such a silliness, wasn't it? Should we go for a coffee?

Come on, let bygones be bygones. Yeah, unless you could, you know, planning on having four children and a wedding, white wedding with Steve, I don't think it's the end of the world, babe.

I think you could reach out, I think you could say hello and then you could make a joke like, you little whore. And then you could like move on. That's very funny.

You scummy, you boyfriend stealing bitch. How are ya? What you do for work nowadays? I think it could be fun. You year seven. Yeah, year seven whore. I think that'd be really fun, yeah. How are you? What do you do for work nowadays? I think it could be fun. Yeah, year seven. And then the last one, star of the week, Julian, three shitty fingernails.

I just can't talk about it. It's just put me into a hole. I will think about you for a long time, babe, because now when I think about picking up, like, cutting food, I'll think... I can't pick up a dog shit, so how you did that, I will never know. Me neither. And they're doing it through a bag.

If only she'd had one of them in her bag. It's piping hot those dog shits. Why are they so fucking warm? I'd love to understand. I'd love to understand why poo, human and dog, is honestly boiling, boiling. Your body temperature's so hot surely. It's not 100 degrees inside your body babe. When you pick up that dog poo.

You're telling me it's 100 degrees. It's not a pitter is it? It's not a pitter from the toaster. It's not 100 degrees inside your body, babe. When you pick up that dog food... You're telling me it's 100 degrees. It's not a pitta, is it? It's not a pitta from the toaster. It's not that hot, is it? No. No. No. I would change your Facebook name,

change your identity. Good thing it's your ex-boyfriend now, and he never knew. So you did a good cleaning job, which is epic. Like, as long as you take that to the grave, and I'm sorry that you told us, but no one knows your name,

you're fine. You smashed it. It was if he walked in when you were in that state that would have been a real nightmare. He smashed it. It's very strong.

Imagine if he'd walked in. I would have left, babe, and he would have walked in. I just think whatever. You wouldn't have cleaned it up? No, I wouldn't, because there's no way I'd be getting shit

once you're in there. Because you're a disgusting person. That, and we've come full circle. Oh, dear. that and we've come full circle oh dear that was a brilliant mixed bag of voice notes I think love you all see the mixed bags

are always the best I love the mixed bags yeah so if you are sitting on something really random and you think oh they haven't really asked for anything about that don't worry

Rahana will sift through and she'll find you please send us all your embarrassing stories. Let this episode be a reminder to you that nothing is... Nothing is off limits.

That's having shit under your fingernails. Nothing will ever be that bad. Ever. Ever. Love you all. Thank you so much for listening. Please subscribe and follow.

Please actually do it. If you listen to us every week and you love the pod, please, please, please subscribe because we really need to get our numbers up, everyone. September the 1st is the deadline, so could you help us out and do us every week and you love the pod, please, please, please subscribe because we really need to get our numbers up, everyone. September the 1st is the deadline. So could you help us out and do us a solid

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