Leave A Message with Ally & G - 15 - Crusty Socks, Mummy's Boys and Unknown Circumcisions

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

Ever feel like your dating life is a total disaster? We're setting a whole new standard on this weeks episode of Leave A Message! From the guy who wore the same crusty sock after... you know what, to the 26-year-old whose Mum still clips his toenails, Ally & G are sorting through the rubbles of the dating world to serve juicy drama and a chaotic romp. Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think we've got a bit colour matched today. Do you know what? My hairdresser Zoe said that today. Bravo. She said, I can't believe your t-shirt matches your shoes. And I said, I didn't even plan it. Are we on? Is this thing on? Is it on? I'm not really one of those girls. What?

They're like colour matches. Well, I do... Shoes to socks to knickers to top. I was... Knickers. I mean, who's matching their knickers to their top? That is... If you're doing that,

you've got too much time on your hands. Yeah, agreed. Welcome to Leave a Message. Thanks so much for joining us. This is Ali and G, and this is a podcast for the galleys by the galleys. Every week, we get basically a voice note dump from you guys. And we sit here and we talk about it.

We chat a lot of shite. We absolutely love it. And what I'm finding most fascinating about this podcast, and I am pointing this to you if you're listening, every single person I explain the premise to is like, I've got a great story. is like I've got a great story oh I've got a good story for that

oh you wouldn't believe the voice note I could send in well where is it? and then they don't always and I think the ones that do very brave

very honourable very good galleys is all I'm saying a lot of people in this world it's something I have that every time I go somewhere someone's like

even you know like mums are like oh I'll send in the voice note. Mums. Oh, babe, we probably won't use it. But please send it in. No, I actually think we should do a mum special because I can imagine the stories they could tell.

The Schoolgate drama. The Schoolgate's drama. Drama at the Schoolgate. Schoolgate's gossip. Robin, Robin, Robin. Oh my God, you've just said it. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. You just said it.

You just said a hundred words in about 10 seconds. Rob and Josh were saying that because they're quite like active fathers, they get there quite in on all the school gates. Goss, and it's like, did you see Tracy got a new car? Really good. Hilarious. Really, really good.

Her husband must have got a promotion at work because now she's driving a Mercedes and before she was only driving a BMW. Really good good hilarious i was thinking today i was talking to someone about it at the spin studio and we were just kind of like sat behind the counter just having a little not quite a bitch but you know just a little gossip about all of the um clients at my spin studio sometimes you know sometimes what's it called a brossip it's like a bitchy gossip that is like you know sometimes you just have to talk about

people in that way yeah yeah well it didn't really air on like well I guess it was a bit bitchy because we were talking about this one woman

and we were like how is she so tanned all year round and how is she here at 9.30 on a Tuesday what does her husband do was my assumption okay she's tanned

because she's sitting on sunbeds yeah must be don't get them like don't let the tan cloud your judgment. Do you never go to a sunbed? I've never had one in my life. I have actually got quite like a big fear of skin cancer.

I used to be so addicted to sunbeds. Oh my God, I used to go every other day. I know someone that's still doing it. He does it three times a week still. Who? Oh, the guy you don't like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, he looks like he's just come back from Barbados year round.

But I also just think when you're 50, if you want to talk about anti-aging, you're going to... Like Bruno Tognoli, I'm sorry. I knew you were going to say Bruno. Sorry to throw you under the bus, Bruno. Like, love you so much. But your skin looks like leather.

You're like a leather handbag. You're like leather goods. Precisely. Get him on an export ship. Sorry, that took me so long. I're like a leather handbag. Yes. You're like leather goods. Precisely. Get him on an export ship. Sorry, that took me so long. I was like, you are. Sorry, just talking about gossip really quickly. I was thinking today,

I actually have changed my mind on my alternate universe profession. Oh, I have too. Oh, what are you going to do? Oh, I was going to be a criminal barrister. Do you remember ages ago we talked about this about how i wanted because i'm a detective or something true crime yeah and then i thought maybe i could be in the police but i don't think i could have that because you can't

even have your nails done in the police you've got to be like so serious and real life it's very real do you know i know this girl i don't know her it's a friend of a friend right she's apparently a police detective but i've never seen someone so well kept and constantly on holiday in my life. And I think, sorry, what holiday are the detective school and the Met Police running? 50 days a year, is it?

How are you affording that? I thought they were making cuts to the police left, right and centre. It can't be right. She must be lying. She's got a badge. I don't know where she got it from. No, babe, she's in the police. She's a spy. Yeah, she's working. No, she's got a badge. I don't know where she got it from. No, babe, she's in the police.

She's a spy. Yeah, she's working. No, she's not a spy. She's working for like some special division. Babe, I'll show you a picture of her. Her hair is way too glossy.

She can't be. She's an, I don't know, she's an enigma. I would love to know what she does on her. I just can't imagine her going into the 9 to 5

and standing by the coffee machine and doing some detective work. Do you know what I mean? Half the year you're in Mexico, so make that make sense to me. Sorry, what's your alternate profession? Oh, I would like to be a hairdresser. Because just the chat is so good.

I was sat next to a guy this week who did really well. Rihanna will be thrilled by my segue. Oh, well, by the way, everyone, if you're listening to us and not watching us, you must know that she's actually basically just copied and pasted

Rihanna's haircut. Yeah, Rihanna came in, I got a bob, and then Rihanna got a bob, but it was shorter than my bob, and then Poppy got a bob, and now I wanted to be the bobbiest bobber in Bobville, so I bobbed again. Bob, bob, bob. She took a picture of Rihanna and she said, make me look like this. Yeah, I want to look exactly like this girl. It's competition at this point.

Do you know what I mean? It's like, who can go the shortest? It's like chicken. If it's a centimetre longer, I'll be fuming. Rih It's like, who can go the shortest? It's like chicken. If it's a centimetre longer, I'll be fuming. Rana's like, we can't go shorter, though,

because we're quite serious now, we're going to have to get the clippers out. Anyway, it was at the hairdressers and the guy next to me was talking about this date

he's going on. Fascinating. He broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago and he was talking to his hairdresser not to know what he was listening

because I was a meter. There was a man in Larry King. Babe, Larry King's very famous for men's hair. He's got to be minted. Really? listening because I was a meter. There was a man in Larry King. Larry King's very famous for men's hair. He's got to be minted. Really?

Babe. Raw pays... Really? I don't pay. No, but like Raw pays £11 for a haircut. In Larry King

it'll be £80. Three men came in whilst I was there. While you were in Nautical. And one of them, the guy next to me who was talking about his date

been in two weeks ago. Okay, yeah, they're minted. Everyone in Nautical's minted everyone in Notting Hill is minted the beckons are just around the corner I was having a look

because I was like is he fit because I could hijack the date and maybe I could go on a date and how old was he old yeah well he was saying that there is a big age gap

between this girl and him that he's about to go on a date with he's trying something new she's only 24 but she owns a swimwear brand so she's obviously got her head screwed on

is what he said he's taking her to Sushi Samba he's minted Sushi Samba. He's minted. Sushi Samba's expensive. But also a bit like meh. I didn't know that I'd be

that impressed by Sushi Samba. Yeah but babe you're not one of those girls. You know those girls. The hairdresser went what's she like? Is she a bit Essex? And he went um

showed her a picture and the hairdresser just went oh yeah. Essex girls no hate to them would be impressed by Sushi Samba because it is quite like

a glitzy London restaurant also it is good food oh the thing I don't like about Sushi Samba is the lift and also it is popping

no no I love that and the view is beautiful sure they put the food down and it looks like dog's dinner because they're so artistic you can't even tell

what it is and they don't even say this is the salmon this is the tuna yeah I didn't want eel tuna. I didn't want eel actually and I didn't want stingray. I just wanted my salmon sashimi. So why have you put this on

a nondescript? It's so confusing. Well, we hope his date goes well and we wish him the best of luck. We wish him. Talking about dates, that is our theme for today. Dates and disasters. The galleys always deliver on the date stories. So good.

Rack them up. Come on. Hey, gals. I absolutely love the pod. I need help on a current situation shift that I'm in. I met this boy back in January after breaking up with my long-term boyfriend. And we met through mutual friends at uni, which great we hit it off it was perfect and then we kind of went on a few dates we like got to know each other better we were spending like three or four nights a week together and then valentine's day you know he asks me to go out with him pays for dinner does all of that stuff and then after valentine's day um like a few days later he says to me i think i want more than just like a friends with benefits

situation ship and i was like okay just gotta have a long-term relationship let's take it slow and he was like okay that's fine so i was on a Saturday night then the following Thursday night this boy turns around to me and says I actually think it's best if we just shag other people and obviously done a full fucking 180 excuse my French and um I looked like a mug marriage, we kind of like stopped seeing each other for a little bit. And then he came back and obviously I believed him. And then like, he was like, oh no, I think I do want to like get into a relationship, but I want to take things really slow. So I was like, okay, that's fine. Then obviously summer's coming around. So I was like, oh, I'm going back home. Can we like work out what this is before summer? says to me he's like well I think it's clear that it's just like a friend with benefits and I was like how so like how is that clear

and he turns around to me and he's like well you know I've never had feelings for you there's never been a spark you're just not the girl for me so the last six months have been like a waste of my time and I feel like the biggest mug on the planet. Am I the mug in this situation-ship? Sorry, we didn't name the galleys. But she's Irish. I was thinking though, should we in honour of...

What's her name? Who's just had a baby that everyone's obsessed with? Sophia Ritchie. Thank you. What did she call it? Oh, Eloise? Sorry, why would we honour Sophia Ritchie? What a random she call it oh Eloise sorry why would we honour

Sophia Ritchie what a random thing to honour I don't I love it let's go with it because we were talking about her the other day and about the baby name

were we yeah because I was saying babe wiki wiki no babe we weren't talking about Sophia we weren't do you remember

because I was saying on TikTok everyone's like when Sophia Ritchie steals your baby name and I was like sorry Eloise is that like a good one?

Oh, yeah. Wild. Yes, you are the mug. I'm so sorry to say, Eloise, but I'm going to give you some, you know, home truths here. Wait, at which point did she become the mug? Because she wasn't initially.

When he came back and said, no, no, she wasn't initially. Obviously, give everyone a chance. Initially, does he have split personality disorder? You gave him three chances. And on the third time, I would she wasn't initially. Obviously, give everyone a chance. Initially, does he have split personality disorder? But you gave him three chances. And on the third time, I would have said, babe, I don't think that you need to give this man another chance. When he came back and was like,

so first he says, you're not the girl for me. Then he comes back and he says, I want to give this a go. At which point I'd be like, no, babe, first, they're just having a nice time. And he says, do you want to take things more seriously? And then like five seconds like, no babe, first, they're just having a nice time and he says, do you want to take things more seriously? And then like, five seconds later,

he goes, no, no. Yeah, so that's offence number one. That's crazy. Then offence number two is him coming back and saying, I want to try things out.

She believes him because she likes him. Yeah, dick drunk. Dick drunk again. And then the third one, so then, so then he gives it a go

and then he then says, basically, I don't want to do this. I want to be friends with benefits. We've gone back to square one. He says, I've never had any feelings for you. That is so hurtful because I think you have because you've spent time with me.

You let me cook me dinner and you took me out on Valentine's Day when it's arguably the most expensive day of the year and it's always a set menu. No one wants to go out on Valentine's Day. So what, you don't like me? I think, I'd think give someone a second chance,

not a third. I like a second chance. I agree. I actually really, really resonate with a second chance. Not more than two, because if they have, Two strikes and you're out. One strike and you're out.

It is actually three strikes and you're out. But we're going to take the third away. Well, also because if they should, if he's given you a good reason to think that he might be not a great person, then like believe him. We talked about this. We talk about this all the time. We like to give people the benefit of the doubt

and like we have this hope that he'll turn out our Prince Charming. If he gives you the obvious signs that he's not going to be that person for you, please don't ignore them. It's really hard because you can't beat yourself up in the beginning of being like, you know, you are seeing each other

three or four times a week. Like it quite apparently becomes something more than just casual. Like when it becomes more than just like a phone call on a Friday night, what are you up to? Three or four times a week in the beginning. That is mental.

I would actually think he was my boyfriend and I would be expecting him to get down on one knee. I'd be very confused by that 180 if I were her. I'd have been so confused. But at which point, I mean,

I'm a bit different because at the point that he did the first 180, I would have been like, fuck you, and I would have just made myself hate him. Yeah, because it would have been

so hurtful actually at that point because sorry, are you on some kind of wild drug that is making you change? I think he must have split personality disorder.

He's got really confused. No, he's not got split personality. He's just a boy and he can't decide. He wants to keep hold of her in a certain light and then she asks for more and she thinks,

oh, I better give it to her because then I can keep shagging her. But actually, then he gets away from her and he thinks, well, I don't really want to commit to her at all. He wants to keep his options open.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. I want Summer. Obviously, we'd be single for summer sorry I hate to put this idea in your head but it is quite possible that there was someone else who was also

toing and froing and that's why he was toing and froing with you because she would disappear he would come back to you she would come back oh well we don't know no no we don't know

but I'm just saying it's not a you thing I know that's yeah yeah yeah it's never a you thing no no it's not a you thing it's not him saying you Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never a you thing. No, no, it's not a you thing. It's not... Him saying you're not the girl for me is bollocks.

He's a coward or he's a liar. Well, and also, even if it is a you thing, like good riddance, if he doesn't get you and he hasn't got the spark... Say it again! Good riddance to bad rubbish. Bad rubbish. Rubbish in the bin.

Get it away. Recycle him. Don't recycle. Take him to the dump. To it away. Recycle him. Don't recycle. Take him to the dump. To the tip. I just booked a tip run, actually. On Friday. I'm very excited about it.

How much did you pay? Free. Oh. Are you mad? I think it's free, isn't it? I didn't pay. Last time you... Babe, you've got very conflicting information

because last time you said you've got to pay. I said, let's go to the tip and you said, you've got to book a slot and you've got to pay. You've got to book a slot. Well, to be fair, I say I booked a trip to the tip and you said, you've got to book a slot and you've got to pay. You've got to book a slot. Well, to be fair, I say I booked a trip to the tip. Holly did.

So maybe we did pay and I just don't know about it. None of my business. Make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with Hello

Fresh. Whip up tasty restaurant style meals in your own kitchen without the high price tag of takeout and in less time than it takes to get delivery. Babe, honestly, Hello Fresh has saved me so many times and now my in-laws think I can actually cook even though all I've done is followed the recipe and had the ingredients delivered to my door. But babe you are cooking it's absolutely genius and also it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at because there's variety from HelloFresh. There's so much choice. Come on you can get 10 free meals at hellofresh.com slash free Ali G. Applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only. Varies by plan.

That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com slash free Ali G. You're welcome. Before we continue with this week's episode of Leave a Message. If you want to be part of our group chat, make sure you leave us a voice note using all the details in the episode description. Now, this can be about anything. Obviously, sometimes we ask you for specific topics.

But if you've got a story that you think, girls need to hear this, then get voice noting. Number two. Hi, girlies. I just thought I had to tell this story. Basically, I go out one night and I meet this guy Number two. clock because he had a work function and it's now six o'clock and I'm like okay whatever it's fine after the drinks he says oh do you want to go to this other location and I'm like okay yeah sure so we go to this location does he not take me to his work function where all of his work friends are so now I'm sitting there chatting with all of his work friends and I haven't seen him for a

while and then he gives me a call and he says no I have had to leave I'll be back later and now it's just me with all of these random people that's fine because I'm a chatty person I can talk to anyone but it's still you left the date and didn't tell me and then he says he might not be able to make it back so he says I must come over to his house and I'm like oh no I don't really know him that well and also I had an 8am the next morning so then he's like okay no it's fine I'll come back to the party so he comes back to the venue and he's just super drunk at this point and at least I had found two of my friends there and the girls are yelling at him telling him how he's not right for me how he's not good for me

keep in mind he wasn't saying he wasn't saying my name right half the night so then I got my uber and I'm getting ready to leave does this guy not get into my uber with me and drive home with me keep in mind I've told my mother to open the gate for me because I forgot to take house keys and she doesn't know I was on this date so now I get out the car and I tell him to stay there and I say goodbye does he not sneak in the gate behind me without me knowing I turned around and I told him to get the hell out of my house and I closed the gate

and I left him there out there but yeah I hope you guys enjoyed it was just so awful for me there's so much wrong with that so so much wrong I wouldn't even know where to start I would have left the work drinks 10 minutes in. You bring me to your work drinks.

You want crack cocaine. There's no way. What do you want me to do? Get my LinkedIn up and see if I can get a new job. That is wild. Also, to their leave. Sorry. Sorry.

I don't even like my own work drinks. Why the fuck would I go to yours? Are you mad? I don't want to look like Karen from a cow. Yeah, right. Tell you, bring out your Excel spreadsheets,

will you? I mean, as soon as someone said, should we go to another venue, that word would make me think

strip club, private members club or something dodgy. She got something dodgy. You did the right thing by not going to his house, babe. Why did he get in the Uber with you?

my main thing actually is we've got very international galleys. Yeah, South Africans are really coming in force. She was like, yeah, so, yeah. Yeah, and did he not?

I loved that. I'm going to start saying that. Yeah, so lame. And did this guy not get in my Uber? Crazy. Did he not? He did, babe. I can't believe that.

Sorry, the first thing that pissed me off actually about your story was when he went, why is he drunk? I've been drinking since two. Cool. Jarring.

That is so cool. Tell your mum. Did you want a gold star? A star? Yeah. I'm bored. Tell someone who cares because it ain't me.

Or tell me earlier and I'd have got a few shots deep. I don't want to rack up like sober and you're all like boozy, minging, smelling a drink. There is actually nothing worse. Than a drunk man. No, than going to your,

even your friend you know when your friend will be like come meet me at my work and then we'll go they're already pissed and you have to go and you have to talk

to these people and you just think what could I possibly say to this lady I've got nothing to say nothing you're not you're of no relevance to me

and your friend is trying to be all like dicky sucky and you're just like there and I just think what have you ever been to someone else's workplace

sometimes in the beginning you're going South Africa now she, sometimes, in the beginning. You're going South African now, she's mumbling. In the beginning, when I used to actually have a corporate job and like all my friends

would work kind of near me, we would sort of like meet on a Thursday but we would always, what is it with work drinks? Can we get rid of them? I hate it. It's so jarring.

I hate it. You have to go. I won't even go to work drinks with you and it's just us in our company and I won't even go. Well, that's not true, babe. Sometimes I do, but often. You have to go. I won't even go to work drinks with you. And it's just us in our company. And I won't even go. Well, that's not true, babe.

Sometimes I do. See, you're off the Soho house. Oh, yeah. No, we will go to you. We will go for work drinks. And we will expense that on the business. We will be putting that on the business. And we will be buying anyone we meet out a drink.

Because it's on the business. And it's not real money. So we will be doing that if you see us out. All of our at the moment actually you're right i take that back you and i can go for work drinks but if i'm tired oh my god did everyone hear that she gave me permission to go for drinks with her my only my fucking left hand that i spend every day in my life she gave me permission thank god thank you so much god oh my god you have been promoted been promoted to allow to hang out with me as employee. Thank you so much.

Employee of the month. Thank you so much. I'm so grateful for this opportunity. Do you not get it sometimes? Like, I love you, Obs, but work, drinks and work. Drinks, sometimes you don't want to be at work. Well, no, this doesn't count.

I'm not talking about us because we're not really work, babe. I know we like to call it work, but it's play. Sometimes I'm so tired. But I'm talking about when you have to go for actual work. Yeah, no, it's horrendous.

And you have to, like, go and be horrendous and you have to like go and be like have a personality but also be really professional you can't get too pissed you can't get not pissed enough I actually reckon that's why I hated working so much

because when I got at one because of the drinks yeah and no but I got bladdered I mean like I really I will never forget there was this one day

and I came into the office and I was off you were drunk at the office yeah because I the hangover yeah because I just drunk so much that you hadn't really drank it off slept it off sorry and there were all the office and I was off my... You were drunk at the office? Yeah, because I... Good morning. Yeah, because I just drunk so much. You hadn't really drank it off. Slept it off, sorry.

And there were all the girls that I was with, the grading girls, we were all the same. That's why it's fun because we were... And I remember sitting at my computer just like,

I'm actually going to be... I might die. And I went to the bathroom and I threw up in the... No. And then like your boss comes in and you have to be like, good morning.

Yeah. Oh my God, someone shoot me in the head. It's so offensive. But also they encourage that kind of behavior and then they expect you to work and I just think,

no, I can't do both. Don't have drinks and then make me come to work. And you expect productivity from me. But definitely, definitely don't go on a date when the date is their work drinks. That is wild.

I would never see that creep again. Why is he trying to get inside your gates? Why is he trying to get, get yourself outside? Get out my gates. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Horrible. I would have left him there. I just said, listen, have a little vomit and then get in your Uber. Yeah, he was obviously really pissed. He was making really weird decisions. Maybe he's just a creep. This is actually a really good lesson though in how to exit a date because sometimes it's really hard to get out.

Good point. Like she just couldn't get out to any point it seems. Would you do a French exit and say salut and then you're going to leave? No, I wouldn't. Because I'm not going to lie.

I think I would. If it was that diabolical. I would get someone to call me and I would lie. Yeah. I would get Holly to call me and say she was locked out and I'd say I'm so sorry

my flatmate's locked out I've got to go. There was an emergency. I wouldn't say emergency I'd say she's locked out and she hasn't got a key what ammate's locked out I've got to go there was an emergency I wouldn't say emergency I'd say she's locked out she hasn't got a key what am I going to do leave her on the streets

that's an emergency yeah that is a one-on-one emergency when she's sitting serious emergency when she's sitting pretty on the sofa watching maths

yeah it's an emergency I've got to get back I've got to leave right now but no I'd never just French exit I think that is wild I would have French exited

those work drinks yeah I might have if he left also he French exited his own date. And then he came back. It's appalling. He's got something wacko going on.

He's weird. You want to stay away from him. Yes. Stay far away from him. And I'd report him to HR actually, even though you don't want that. I'd write a little message on his LinkedIn wall actually. I would. Say, steer clear, don't go on a date with this man on a Thursday night.

He will leave you alone at his own work drinks. Do you just think, like you just want to send a text the next day and be like I don't care so don't worry I'm obviously not bothered by you you've given me the ick in four hours but like you're okay and what's wrong with you just checking for a friend I'd just love to know what happened in your brain yeah for you to think that that was a normal and okay thing to do you're wild so I'd just like to understand so the next time I tell the story on a pod, we've all got the context. Crazy.

Very good story, Eloise, too. Okay, number three. Hey, girls. Tell me why I put up with this man for like six months of my life. There were so many things about him that are just ridiculous. I've got three little snippets of information

about this particular ex, so buckle up because what the fuck? Okay, this man was 26 right and uh his mother would clip his toenails for him every couple of weeks as in he didn't clip his own toenails his mum would just do it for him and when i asked him why he was like what do you mean why like he thought this was normal anyway the next thing so you know how when men have a wank they like wank into like tissues or whatever like they finish in a sock or their tissues anyway this man let's call him steven steven would finish into a sock but then he would wear said sock the next day now i thought this was a joke when i was told because his friend told me we were out for drinks and his friend said it and i

started laughing and steven that's not his real name obviously was like no it's not a joke yeah i do do that and then i know it's true because one day i randomly said to him oh which sock is like which foot is it today and he like i could see him like moving his wiggling his feet and his toes and he was like oh it's the left one today and I was like and then the third thing we were in bed post bits let's say and um Stephen turns to me and says can I ask you a question and I said of course you can am i circumcised i looked at this man in utter disbelief and i said yes you are very much circumcised but what do you mean why do you not know for sure and he was like i just wasn't 100% sure i had a suspicion but i didn't know how do you not know you're circumcised his mom and dad had him circumcised when he was a baby or a kid and never told him i just couldn't fucking believe it personally anyway this man was completely stupid and somehow

ended up cheating on me with three different girls in the end but we move good riddance um clearly dodged a bullet because he had no brain cells and he was a massive asshole i did come out of the relationship with some fucking hilarious stories. So I have a few more if you'd ever like them. Love you, gals. Rihanna, you best reply to her right now. Right now. Yeah, we want all of them.

Message her right now. I don't want you to... What are you doing putting that phone down? Don't be bossy. Message her right now. Poor Rihanna. She's got work to do. Look at her with her headphones on.

She's very serious. Say, we want those stories right now. I am... Sorry, she's got work to do, look at her with her headphones on, she's very serious. So we want those stories right now. I am, sorry, you're close enough with your mum that she will cut your toenails, but you've never looked at her and said, mum,

so I have a circumcised child. I didn't even think that's the issue. The issue is that you've, you don't know. You're really thick, God love him. Boys just know, I'm not being nasty,

but if you are circumcised, like you would know, even fromcised, like, you would know, even from biology lessons. How do you not know whether you've got a foreskin or not? You're missing your fucking foreskin. Whoops, just dropped off one day, did it? What did you think happened?

When you look down and you look at the textbook and they don't match, you must put two and two together. Maybe he was more trying to ask, like, have I just got limited foreskin or do you think I'm circumcised?

Either way, I don't think that's a question for your girlfriend post-sex. Ask your mum. Ask your mum while she's chopping on your toenails. Ask your doctor

or ask Google. That's what Google's for. I'm sorry. No, but what if he just has, he might. I don't know. He might have been born with no foreskin.

You best believe I'd be there. I'd be picking my willy. I'd be like stretching it. Is it in there? Am I missing a bit? Just checking. Just checking. I've been born when they've all scared. You best believe I'd be there. I'd be picking my willy. I'd be like stretching it. Is it in there? Am I missing a bit? Just checking. Just checking. I've written,

you must check him into a psychiatric ward. This man is absolutely off his rocker. Off his rocker. Sorry. James is the only man in the room so someone give him the mic. That can't be normal, can it? Can I just say,

you would know, like even if you were circumcised, you would know, even if your parents had not explicitly said, we chop your dick off a bit when you would know. Like, even if you were circumcised, you would know even if your parents had not explicitly said we chop your dick off a bit when you were younger. Babe, circumcision is not chopping the dick off.

I chopped a bit. We chopped a bit of your dick off. Yes, it is. We chopped the top bit off. We just left you with the rest. You would know. Is that not a thing that boys know?

Maybe I'm being stupid. Oh, James, give him the mic. I mean, and I'm circumc uncircumcised and a circumcised dick look different.

Sure. Duh. So I feel like it's a quick Google search, no? Do you know what I mean?

Ask Google. Okay, and whilst you're here, how do you feel about the sock? Oh, that's disgusting.

Disgusting. Right, good. Good answer. Good answer. What is happening?

Why in God's green earth would you put your semen in a sock and then pop it on I just find the whole pop it on

I just find the whole thing about wanking into a sock maybe it's moisturised who's getting a call do you know that semen I said this to Roar I said bottle that shit up

because it's very life force meant to put it on your face yeah protein high high protein if you're trying to get your you're trying to get your macro single I said, bottle that shit up because it's very... Life force. No. I meant to put it on your face. Yeah. Protein. High, high protein. If you're trying to get your... If you're trying to get your macros in, girls.

There's no macros in semen. Get... And the enzymes. No, no. The enzymes. Do you know they've done all these scientific... I'm really serious. They've done a lot of scientific studies on semen.

It's highly anti-aging. If you want to save on both... You put it on your face. If you want to save on Botox and cream, get your boyfriend or your partner or a random man on the street to spunk on your face. Yeah, agreed.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Well, just make sure you've got your eyes closed. You'll be fine. You know what I mean? Well, it's very serious. Quickly, just, you know, just lie there and just quickly rub it in

and then you'll be out of there. You can get eye chlamydia. Can you? Sorry? Eye chlamydia. Can you? Eye chlamydia? Yeah. That can't be good. Babe, is that real information?

It makes your eye fall out. Poppy's like, I don't know firsthand, but I'm just saying, I've heard. Rihanna just said it makes your eye bulge out. Sorry, this has got crazy so quickly. But apparently, all the yogic community are very serious about not... Apparently, that's why we've got so much

toxic masculinity in this world. Because they're not spunking on our faces enough. No, because we're getting rid of their life force. We disregard it. And you should actually be bathing in it,

swallowing it, and doing all sorts with it because it's very strong. I don't think the ancient medieval people were bathing in spunk. I bet they were. I don't think so.

I bet they were. I bet breast milk and spunk they'd be bathing in. Find me't think so. I bet they were. Find me a... Breast milk and spunk they'd be bathing in. Find me a portrait of Henry VIII or Mary Anne Boleyn or whatever her name was. I don't think Henry VIII

was very health conscious to be fair. No, no. Have you seen our TikTok? It's like the things about the Tudors that disgusted me. I'm obsessed with them.

Can't stop watching them. I haven't seen it. Apparently he bathed once every three months and you could smell him from three rooms away. Three rooms. God, that's quite a stench.

I just want to say, if you're going to spunk, ideally just do it on your stomach. Why are you doing it into a sock? I think that's fucked up. Tissue is fine. Tissue is fine. What is a sock?

Sock, to be fair, is fine. As long as you then don't put it on and pop it in your shoe. I don't think a sock is fine. Why do you have to do it in a sock? I think that's kind of normal, isn't it? I think people do come in socks. But why? I don't get it. Because it catches it and then

you pop it in the wash, all done and dusted. God, that is just vile. Isn't it? I'm so sorry. I find spunk quite disgusting, actually. I know it is the source of life, but revolting. I'm just saying, wrap it up. You can't deal with the spunk chat. Too much. Eloise 3, I love you and please, please, please send in

any story you've ever had with that boy or any others I love it I just want to say one thing babe lots of love to you are you okay were you half finding him funny

because there is something endearing about a stupid man you do just think oh babe bless you don't know your willy from your toes it's not stupid when your mother

is clipping your fucking toenails my dad makes me cut his toenails whenever I go home isn't that gross? Does he pay you? Yeah.

Yeah. Fiver. Yeah, I would do it for that. I do a fiver a foot. Yeah, yeah. Still, I've been doing it since I was about 12. I would do it for Roar.

It's actually like child labour. But. I texted her the other day and I'm like, I'm not getting a reply. So fuming because it was urgent. And she just goes, sorry babe,

waxing Roar's back. I was like, God. It was admin to be done. Right right should we do a roundup yes okay good so eloise number one her situationship did about five 180s and is she the mug yeah you are the mug um is my honest answer just to be really honest with you if you're gonna ask me the question i'll give you my answer she's never going to hold back um i would just say maybe take it as a lesson to not be so forgiving of people who show you that they really shouldn't be forgiven good also you're worth way more than that babe like even when the first time he said like oh shouldn't we just be shagging

other people no you've got the holy grail right here. So no, you should not. Do you know what I mean? Just me and me alone. Thank you. We were talking about this the other day about the washing machine. About Roar being the washing machine. Oh, yes.

I remember briefly what we were. Oh, I'm there. Yeah. So he was saying, no. So he, I was saying, who was saying? Someone was saying. I was saying that sometimes your partner are like kitchen appliances

no I actually said that you were saying it someone said to me I thought I used the metaphor I said of water oh you used a different metaphor

and then I brought it back to the washing machine I think I don't think what they told you was the washing machine I said

basically you have a dishwasher or washing machine and like you use it every day and like it's a necessity in your life and you don't look twice or think like, God, I'm so lucky to have a washing machine. But you're never more grateful for it than when it breaks.

And when it breaks, you think, oh my God, how will I ever live without a washing machine? And you haven't been putting your salts in, you haven't been caring for it, you haven't been giving the washing machine due diligence. You haven't done a service. And when... People can be like a washing machine due diligence. You haven't done a service. And when... People can be like a washing machine

because you can take people really for granted as this man has done here. He was treating... I wasn't sure how you were going to get back to Eloise. He was treating her like a washing machine.

Yeah, I got that. Really good. Thank you so much. Really, really good. For you. For you. Right, number two. Date and drinks ended up

on a work function and then he accosted her within her gate disgusting creep within her property gate disgusting creep is all I've got to say really never see him again

and also next time anyone on a date says to you should we go to the next location think twice I would even stop before then if he takes you to his

work drinks I'd be like babe I'm out of here see you never obviously like any location that is not kind of detailed to you,

I'd say no thanks. Yeah, 100%. Before you even get there. Even if they're taking you to meet their friends, like, even if it was like their friends are at the pub and you're on a first date. Oh, it's a bit much for a first date. Go with your mates and reschedule our date

or be with me. I find that jarring. And it depends, like, oh, sometimes it might be fun, but it's so heavily dependent on the mates and the vibe. Not first date. I think second or third with me. I find that jarring. And it depends like, oh, sometimes it might be fun, but it's so heavily dependent on the mate and the vibe. Not first date. I think second or third.

Maybe. Maybe. Right, number three, gotta be star of the week. Yeah, Eloise, babe. The stupidest boyfriend on the planet. Who does stupid things. Like a man child.

Like disgusting. 26 years of age. Make it make sense. 26 in boy years is 21. Really? I reckon I was younger than that by 18. 26 years of age. Make it make sense. 26 in boy years is 21, really. I reckon I was younger than that by 18. 26. No, yeah, 20, 20, 20, not 20, 19, 20.

Yeah, because I think we're quite grown at 21. We're dating like 30-year-old men. Do you know what I mean? Well, you're dating 30-year-old men, babe. I'm dating a... I'm dating a... You're dating... I'm dating a man child. I'm dating a 15 year old.

That's his mental age. Sorry, he's quite mature. Yeah, no, he is. Well, sometimes. Sometimes not so much. The other day, last night. Oh, goodness me. Sorry, we must finish with this

because if you want an example of a man child, change the sheets. And he said, Bob, don't worry. We'll strip the sheets in the morning and then they'll dry on high and then we'll put them back on in the evening. I got back at 11.30

and he was like, Bob, I can't put the duvet cover on without you. And I said, are you actually serious? You turn it inside out, you get the inside corners and you hold the duvet

and you flip it raw. How many times do I have to tell you? That would drive me around the bend. You stupid fucking piece of shit. Yeah, after a day

after a day like yesterday I'd be like that's it that's the end of me the mini stars go to me can you hurry up I want to go to bed I said

are you fucking joking me you've had all day and I've been a Britain's Got Talent very talented person here right babe are you ready

for a new segment oh yeah come on then we're getting a bit professional we've got segments don't know what to tell you three people in the room

today guys a lot of it is just checking that we're not getting cancelled oh my god Oh, yeah. Come on, then. We're getting a bit professional. We've got segments. I don't know what to tell you. Three people in the room today, guys. Lord, Lord, Lord of ears. Just checking that we're not getting cancelled. Oh, my God. The Clapham flat just called me. Oh, my God! Whoa! Okay, well, we best wrap up the podcast

when I'm full of that. Quickly, do question the week. Okay, whoa! Whoa, oh, my God. I'm going to have a fucking heart attack. Sorry, story is, I might be moving basically next door to Al. So, that's what we're getting so excited about.

Right. Sorry. So this is a new segment where if you don't, by the way, if you don't follow us on Instagram, what are you doing?

Can you pull that out? And make sure you follow Ali and G. Ali and G. Is it? Brilliant. Yeah, babe, you're on there every day.

Is it? Oh my God, we're Ali and G? I thought it might be G-G. Oh my God. Ali and G, did you know? I didn't know. This is Leave a Message with Ali and G. I thought it might be GGs. Ali and G, did you know? I didn't know.

This is Leave a Message with Ali and G. I'll be very sporadically and never, never timely at the same time each week, uploading questions that I'll ask you to vote on. And we're going to discuss them on the pod. Are you ready for this? I'm ready. Would you stay with a partner who has a low libido, aka sex drive? Yeah.

What do you think the galleys voted for? I've... Yeah, these were the answers, the questions, the options, sorry. Yes, doesn't bother me. No, that would be a deal breaker.

No third option. No third option. You only got two. Best keep it sharp. Best keep it simple. I don't want anyone giving me nuances like well maybe if

on a Wednesday the chat was really good well actually interesting do you remember a while ago I think this must have been last season on Drive Thru

that girl messaged us yeah I do remember I thought of her actually when I put this up I would say yes do you think the majority of people have said yes

I think no the people that follow us are quite young I reckon they voted no. No, no. But think about all the girls that say all the time, God forbid I'm going to shag him again. Okay, then yeah.

Yeah. 68% of you voted yes, doesn't bother me. 68%. Shut up. Only 32% randy bitches. Guys, everyone that feels bad for not wanting to shag their boyfriends, now you don't feel so alone. Yeah, now you don't feel alone.

68% of people said, nah, I'm not bothered. He can shag me when he wants. And if he doesn't, I'm not asked. That is music to my ears. Isn't it? I think I would have voted. Oh, a deal breaker's hard.

That was a bad phrasing from me because it's probably not a deal breaker if they've got everything else going for them. Well, for you, I don't know. A mismatched sex drive, I do find tricky. I think it is dependent. Like, it's a really, really personal thing because we talked about this before.

It depends, like, what your top three or five things that are important to you in a relationship. If sex is in your top three, I would say, like, I'm not talking about quality of sex because I'm talking about, like, having a lot of sex. If that's important to you in your top three, then yeah, it would be a deal breaker. But if it's...

Well, ideally you want quality and quantity, don't you? Well, I just think quality is the way to go. I'd want both. No, I think... I'm getting neither currently. Babe, I think realistically in a long-term relationship, you can't have both. Yeah, no, you can't.

So if you're going to pick one, I obviously would pick quality. Because I've said this before, if you're shagging once a month, but it is the best sex of your life, to be honest with you, that's what sex is supposed to do. It's supposed to make you feel really intimate

in the moment with the person that you love. And like, if it is just like a quick finger bang, what's that doing? Nothing. Do you know what I mean? Like, just get the vibrator or the dildo out the drawer and let him wank into a sock. And on that note, good night.

Enjoy your time alone with your sock and your own hand. And we'll see you next week. Guys, we must leave because she has to call this lady back. Guys, I might be moving

to Clapham. I'm going to be a Clapham girl. Come on. I'll be around for a shag once a month. Made the best big for all three of us. Brilliant.

Can't wait.