Leave A Message with Ally & G - 16 - Boo! Ghosts, Lies and Ethical Cheaters

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

Be Warned: This episode of Leave A Message is full of frights! From mistaken ghosts to ghoulishly deceitful partners and horrifying run-ins with former flames... this week the gallies will have you scared for your life! Plus, what do you think of so-call ethical non-monogamous relationships? Healthy relationship management or spine-chilling? The Omen franchise has nothing on the jump-scares this week. Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

No, no, no, no, no. God, do you know what? Guys, can I say one thing? Please. It's not a hashtag ad. It's a hashtag Tenzing unless they want to get hashtag involved. Oh, could they?

Hashtag gift us some hashtag Tenzing. When I have a little hashtag Tenzing, unless they want to get hashtag involved. Or could they? Hashtag gift us some hashtag Tenzing. When I have a little hashtag Tenzing, I do feel a little hashtag energized. Yeah, that's the point, babe. It does, they do market themselves as hashtag natural, hashtag energy. Right. Quite serious, actually.

This is quite serious because I've already, I have got a caffeine addiction and this is, wait for it, drum roll, please. It doesn't even say. What, how many? It's one cup of coffee.

Is it just one? Yeah. Because there's another one that- No, I read that last time because when I was having it, I needed, please. It doesn't even say. What, how many? It's one cup of coffee. Is it just one? Yeah. Because there's another one. No, I read that last time because when I was having it, I needed, I needed, actually, I should have had two of them because I needed

two cups of coffee and it was the only one. They do another one, which is equivalent to two. I think it's the stronger one. Okay, well, we'll just get that. But I didn't. Yeah, it's a bit like Red Bull,

but it's... It's hashtag natural. It's hashtag natural, hashtag ingredients that are hashtag so, hashtag good for you. Hello, welcome to Leave a Message.

Thank you so much for coming back another week. I didn't even know what episode we're on now we're into the late come on episode 16 at least someone's keeping count thank god producer rahana for a reason we just found out the producer rahana's being being yeah being victimized by her live-in landlord who is leaving the litter tray full of cat piss. I'm sorry, I missed that part. Oh. Is that not what you're talking about? No, that was exactly what I was talking about.

Because the cat's now got a UTI or something horrible. Oh my God, I have not left the house yet. Let's not do that. Oh my God, that was like last night, Britain's Got Talent. Andy Collins, the guy who basically does the audience warm up and like the audience stuff when you're actually watching

the live show from the Apollo. He was like, you will be on TV. So if you're here with someone that you're not supposed to be here with. Your best move now. Get out. Leave.

Because 15 million people will be watching you. I mean, it's a funny gag, but imagine actually going. Someone had that happen to someone. They saw this. Leave. Because 15 million people will be watching you. I mean, it's a funny gag, but imagine actually going... Someone had that happen to someone. They saw... Sorry, that's stupid. Yeah, they saw them

like in the background when they said they're... Yeah, when they said they're... That they were like having dinner with their parents and they were like sat next to this other girl. You've got to be unwell to do that.

You've got to be unwell. How thick can you be? The thickest of the thick. You're on telly. Sorry, if you want to talk about thick, this is, is this a story about me?

I am so thick. This is a story about Emily and you've been reading off our notes the last two weeks and I was saying I have to tell this on the pod and now is my chance

to tell this on the pod. Good. Right, Emily, my friend Emily, she's just had her appendix out but she had a botched surgery. She was in there for like a week

and she was like, I was like in and out of consciousness all the time. Like I had so a week and she was like I was like in and out of consciousness all the time like I had so many drugs and she was like all I wanted was just an absolute

load of shite to listen to so I just listened to you girls on repeat and I thought brilliant babe that's what we can do is an absolute load of shite

if you're looking I actually do think that's a compliment 100% yeah we are just like white noise and we say nothing nothing we've got nothing important to say but sometimes you do need comfort in your ears 100%. Yeah, we are just like white noise. We say nothing good.

Nothing. We've got nothing important to say. But sometimes you do need comfort in your ears. Especially when you've got a botched appendix. Horrible. I told you. Huh? Sell it.

Can you sell appendixes? Probably. Well, they sell kidneys. Well, appendixes, I don't think the market is as prevalent for the appendixes. Because listen, who needs or wants an appendix? Well, she was saying, this is interesting. She's a doctor, by the way. She's super, not a doctor, she's a scientist.

She's super intelligent. Women in STEM! Love women in STEM! Speaking to her, if you want to feel thick, go and surround yourself with a load of scientists. She was talking to me about, her phone background, babe, is cells. Good. And I was like, no, no, but she's like beautiful and cool as well.

And I'm like, oh God, you've really got everything. But babe, this is like Hulse. Like she talks to me sometimes about her dissertation on hepatitis C or whatever she did it on and in such intense depth. And I think... Are we living on the same planet, me and you? How do you walk around with me every morning

and have a coffee with me? Because you must just think, well, I've got nothing to say to this thicko. Honestly, another planet. And to say to this thicko. Honestly, another planet. And I'm actually not that thick. I just play thick

because I find it easier. I find it easier to be really thick than to be wrong. Paris Hilton's built a whole career on playing dumb. She's actually super smart.

Oh, I bet. But I want to say about appendixes, sorry. Sorry, go back to it. She was saying, and my other friend who was there

who also had her appendix out, she was saying that if you didn't need an appendixes, sorry. Sorry, go back to it. She was saying, and my other friend who was there who also had her appendix out, she was saying that if you didn't need an appendix, you wouldn't have it. She was like, I've been sick nonstop since I had my appendix out. And my other friend was like,

I've had so many gut issues since having my appendix out. And the whole thing is, if you didn't need an organ, you wouldn't have it in your body. I know it is like a useless piece, like it's useless. So is it actually scientifically

to prevent illness? Well, I don't know what is like a useless piece, like it's useless. So is it actually scientifically to prevent illness and fatigue? Well, I don't know what... I just googled it and it says it acts as a safe house for good bacteria and after intense

diarrhea, the appendix repopulates and reboots the intestine. Gut problems. Gut problems. Well, that would add up.

Maybe I've got some missing appendix. Oh, maybe that's what's happened. Best get me on an x-ray. Why don't you get a little MOT? Good. Head-to-toe MOT.

Do you mean an MRI? No, I actually meant an MOT, like you do on your car, but you can do it on your body. Oh, you are supposed to do that, a health MOT. Yeah, but then you've got to go private and blah-de-blah-de-blee-blah.

Oh, well, it is worth it because if you have... My other friend, sorry, we're getting into healthcare. I'm not going to... This is not a healthcare episode. It's not what we're talking about at all. But my other friend, sorry, we're getting into healthcare. I'm not going to, this is not a healthcare episode. It's not what we're talking about at all.

But my other friend, Fran, she was saying she's got very enlarged lymph nodes and she honestly thought she had breast cancer. I felt it, babe. It's the size of, it's huge. It's the size of one of those champagne truffles. Oh, is it? It's just.

Good, good analogy. I know exactly the size now. You said that little bigger than a marble. You're quite large. Smaller than a golf ball. And then I thought about eBay because I know she's got a lump in her neck. My pee.

She's fine. Hers isn't anywhere near that. They won't even look at it unless it hits marble. If you're on garden pee. Betty, you've got no chance. No chance of getting seen for the NHS. No chance, no chance. Hi, welcome back to Leave a Message.

This is a podcast based off your voice notes. You're all absolute legends. Thank you so much for listening and based off your voice notes. You're all absolute legends. Thank you so much for listening and for sending the voice notes in. I feel very excited and very affiliated with this episode. Ghosts. Casper the friendly ghost. Not so friendly anymore.

I'm looking at you. I love these because they're a bit of spy work. It's a bit of detective work. Oh, it's so frustrating. I've got so many ghosties in my life. And I just think, where have you gone, ghost? Oh, I think that about friends as well. I think, oh, now you're cropping up, are you?

Oh, do you ghost friends? No, people are ghosting me. And I think, okay, interesting. I did double text, but don't worry about it. I'll write that down in my note, but don't worry, I've got a log. In my little black book, best you believe. One thing about me is that I remember

that sort of stuff. Yeah, like she will remember how you like, you know, insulted her five years ago and you never apologised properly and therefore she will wear a really good dress

to your wedding. That's her revenge. She's not wrong. I'm not wrong. Okay, what are they called this week? Oh yeah, go on, you do one.

Oh, what's a really famous woman in STEM? Good. Marie Curie. Marie, you do one. Oh, what's a really famous woman in STEM? Good. Marie Curie. Marie, Maria, Maria. Yeah, let's do it, Marie. Marie, I love it.

All right, I've got one for you girls. I'm currently getting ghosted by a guy I went on a couple of dates with. And I think the most frustrating part about it is, you know, we've had

some really good dates. At the end of the last one, like, he paid, even though I, you know, offered to split it, all these sorts of things. We made plans for a third date. He messaged me the next day and then, like, a week goes by and I haven't heard from him. So it's now a day away from when I'm meant to be seeing him again. So I'm pretty sure that's not happening.

And this is the third time that I've been ghosted in, I think, about six or nine months. And I just am so fed up with it happening. And I wonder if anyone has advice on calling people out on it and what to say, how to bounce back from it. Yeah, all of the above. Kind of at my wit's end. So let me know what you think. Love you. Oh, babe, love you. I must just get a message up that I sent to a ghost. I just wrote this down.

G message. Okay. I've done it a few times. About, because she, Marie asked, should I call him out? And G has, guys, right, get your notepads out. If you're listening, get your notepads out because this is a genius message.

You can copy and paste her exact words because it was really not unkind, but it was very direct and to the point. Oh, yeah. So this is the one

that I sent to a hinge guy. I was thinking about someone before. So, I'm thinking about the one. You're thinking about Ben. Oh, no,

I'm thinking about the one that you shagged. Oh, but that was me dumping him. That wasn't him ghosting me. No, that he said, not that it matters, la, la, la. Do you remember? Oh, did I?

Okay, wait there. We talked about it in the car. I thought that was to Ben, babe. It was to Ben. Okay, listen. This is the difference between the two guys. Is that one of them, I really didn't care about.

And I was like, what will his reply be I never spoke to him again so this guy I slept with him and he's the guy I've joked about it he went skiing and never came back just never spoke to me again I mean it's completely different than your situation I've had a situation like yours before where you actually feel like you're getting on and like they're giving you all the signs that you're actually actively dating them it's date two it's date three and then what you just disappear yeah in that scenario i 100 would send at least one text so i think this is quite a good format and this is what i was thinking of this was a completely different guy i'd been oh my god we got the flat. Sorry about us. That's so exciting, guys. I'm moving to Clapham. Babe, that's epic. Oh, babe. God, sorry. Right, we must move on. Oh my goodness. That was crazy.

Right, okay. So this was a different guy where I'd only been on one date with him, but I thought it went quite well. And then we were like messaging a bit afterwards and then he just completely didn't reply to me. He just fell off the face of the earth, never planned the second date that we discussed, nothing. So then I sent him this. Hey, happy nearly weekend. Yeah, this is the best I'm thinking of, yeah.

No pressure to respond, but just for market research, why no second date? So you could say just for market research, why have you stopped replying? Why do you no longer want to date me? Because I do think it's cowardly to be dating someone and to be actively engaging with them,

kind of giving them all the signs and then just disappearing. Disappearing completely. I just think it's rude to where I actually can't focus. I'm so wrapped up in your... We're going to be neighbours. We're going to be literal neighbours.

Very good. I think it's really rude. And as G says, I think it's really cowardly. But I think only send them a message. Because I think sometimes if you send the message, you give them the idea that this is like a really petty thing. No, but it's like, it's if you care. Yeah, and only do it.

Only do it if you like them and you think, actually, I do need a bit of closure on that. Because then if they don't reply, you know. Or if you feel like, oh God, did I do something wrong? Because you know when you can get in your head a bit about like, oh God, was it me?

And that's what I meant by the market research. Like if he'd replied and been like... And that's all it is. Yeah, I hated the way you spat when you spoke. The problem is they're not going to say that. No, they're not brave enough. They're not going to say that. So, I mean, the thing is about sending the message, I don't actually think you will necessarily get the response that you're after. I think this is about, in general, in life, people often don't say the things that you need

to give you closure. Yeah. And also, they're not brave enough at the time to say it and to say, like, oh, I actually think we've been having a really nice time, but I don't want to see you anymore. So it's like when you open the door and give them the opportunity, they're probably going to panic even more than they already were. And what are they really going to say?

What are they going to say? Like they've chosen that path of not speaking to you. It's the rudest thing. I had this guy, right? I got double ghosted by him. I remember this. Was this quite like, quite in the end of last year?

No, no, no, no, no. This was, I was with my ex-boyfriend then. What do you mean? No. In December you weren't. True. Who was that?

I don't know. Sorry, go on. I'm getting confused. Right, so we called him Fit Tom at uni. I basically, Fit Tom, he's not even that fit remember the performance artist used to like starve himself and burn himself it was really the one who lives in Tooting uh no that's my other ex god I got exes all over London I'm dodging them I'm out and about and I'm like whoa

that's why she's moving because one of them found out where she lives, so there's an earl's field. Whoa, got to move. Anyway, so I was at uni, and it was like, I think it was third year, right? And I know, like the summer of second year, really fancied him. We were kind of like friends, I guess. And when, like, we basically ended up having this night out where it was just the two of us, and we hadn't like been dating,

but we'd definitely been flirting. And then on this night, got a little too drunk had a great night shagged him gorgeous that night obviously he did the classic and i was a lot younger than naive to these words of men where he was like you know i really like you i'd love to take you out he left my house that day and he said i'm gonna. Should we go for dinner? Let's go for dinner later. Great. No problem.

See you later, babe. I was in heaven. I thought, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then, oh my God, I'm going on dinner date.

I text him and I go, am I eating tonight or what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Do you ever find out what happened to him? Well, then, six months later,

I bump into him. Oh, I know this story oh yeah yeah yeah and i'm ashamed to say it girls he did accidentally fall into my bed again which was like really stupid in hindsight an error a major error of judgment the ghost came back to life and i just let him in again did i what were you saying there's a name for this. Zombying. He zombied me. Yes. He was a zombie. So they ghost you, and then they come back to life,

and then they ghost you again. He shagged me as a zombie. That's wrong. Anyway. And you let him into your bed. I did. I let him into my bed and my vagina. Silly bitch.

Awful, awful, awful scenes. I know. A silly bitch slap on the wrist. Really bad. More than a slap on the wrist, babe. Same again. He goes, no, seriously, last time was really bad. I was going through a lot. Lali, lali, la. I was doing my performance art and I thought fair play quite hard to set yourself on fire every night, so don't worry about it. Anyway, then I went to Goldsmiths. So it's like

artists everywhere. Anyway, then I'm like, okay, like benefit of the doubt, he's like, I'd love to take you out. Oh, benefit of the doubt. I would have at that point said no. Then he sent a few texts. We had a nice back and forth. Then, doosh, COVID. National lockdown. National lockdown. I send him a text.

I go, not to worry about the date. See you when we're allowed out. Do you know what I mean? See you in nine months. Nothing. Not even a reply, not even a hope you're well. Still not even now. You didn't get COVID and a loved one didn't die.

Still not even now. Don't know what happened to him. And for ages he followed me on Instagram. Then I blocked him because I thought, you don't need to see what I'm doing, ghost. It's crazy. It's crazy. What is that?

I actually think. You're saying one thing to my face and then you disappear. I think, I don't want to generalise this, but I think often because I have friends and I know this because for some reason I do happen to be in conversations with Rory and his friends the boys I'm the only girl so I get a real I mean the boys mind by the way it's just so linear oh it's wild see one thing at one time i think god if you could see inside my brain imagine thinking one thing at one time always says that he was like he's like if you had my brain for a

day you just think wow the world is just so simple the world is so nice and calm so easy to just like walk through life you just do one thing at one time don't do the bed sheets until there's two of you in the room nothing to about. Boys often get themselves in situations that they don't mean to because they've said something that they don't mean. Not because they're dicks, just because

they don't know what to say and they're panicked and they just said the thing and now they have to undo the thing and they're too cowardly. That is what it is. They can't,

they don't know what to say, they don't know how to face it and they're too cowardly to undo it so they just walk away. I know a lot of people who have done this. I think, babe, if you really liked him you can be you can be direct and you can at

least send that one text asking if he doesn't reply drop it leave it blocked size still delivered see you later archive absolutely make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with HelloFresh. Whip up tasty restaurant style meals in your own kitchen without the high price tag of takeout and in less time than it takes to get delivery. HelloFresh has saved me so many times and now my in-laws think I can actually cook even though all I've done is followed the recipe and had the ingredients delivered to my door. But babe you are cooking it's absolutely genius and also it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at because there's variety from HelloFresh. There's so much choice come on you can get 10 free meals at hellofresh.com free allergy applied across seven boxes new subscribers only varies by plan that's 10

free hellofresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com free allergy you're welcome. But if you've got a story that you think girls need to hear this, then get voice noting. Meridian number two. Hey, girls. So my 10-year relationship ended. Sad. You know, whatever. Getting over it. So a few months down the line, I decided to distract myself by going on some dates.

A couple of boys in. Meet this boy. Just instantly hit it off. But New Year for us won't anything serious. I'm dating, I'm having fun. He's got his own reasons, fine. So for the next year and a half, we do said fun. We have a casual, he always comes to me, brilliant. See him fairly regularly, he always comes to me. Brilliant. See him fairly regularly. At least once a month we hang out. Do what,

do what, you know, people do. Keep in contact, keep in touch with each other, what's going on in each other's lives, you know. Chat about,

every time we see each other, chat about the whole casual thing. Check that we're still on track, you know, that no one's catching feelings, whatever. All green flags so far. Until the last time I see him. So he leaves my house. A couple of hours later, I drop him a message. I've just got to my work Christmas party I'm helping set up. And I get a message from him. But when I open it, it's actually a message from his girlfriend of six years who he lives with.

Shocker. Turns out he'd also given me a fake name. So everything about him was basically a lie. I then get blocked and deleted and everything. I have nowhere to contact him i then however in my drunken rage find him on tikt uh linkedin so i message him just what the fuck i then get unblocked on whatsapp for him to send me an essay about how sad his life is, about how many

bad things have happened to him and how the worst possible thing that could be happening to him is happening. Maybe he's a sociopath. But the second he sent that message, I was then also re-blocked. I have no way to contact him even if I wanted to.

What a fuckery. A year and a half. For what? What a fuckery. What a fuckery. A year and a half. For what? What a fuckery. That man. I'm going to drop the C-bomb. He is an actual cunt. How fucking dare you? Babe, we were talking about this last night.

I knew there was a cunt coming. The rage flows within. Babe, I don't know how about this last night. I knew there was a **** coming. The rage flows within. Babe, I don't know how he's still living. If he was on the other end of that phone, I would have honestly sent a hit squad to his house. Also, sorry, if you're the girlfriend, let's make an alliance elsewhere. You best believe you're not blocking me.

You and I are going to **** him up. No, I think if you were the girlfriend and you just found out, I wouldn't want to make an alliance. Not that I would hate her, but I would want to destroy him.. No, I don't. Are you mad? I think if you were the girlfriend and you just found out, I wouldn't want to make an alliance. I just, not that I would hate her, but like, I would want to destroy him. And I don't need her. I would just burn his whole house.

I honestly would set fire to everything he owned. Also, it's actually rarely in this situation is it just as bad for the bit on the side as the main cause. But a year and a half of your life, you're seeing him once a month and you're chatting about life and you're getting STI tests

and you're like, sorry. There was a, there was, I actually, I was telling you about my friend whose parents happened to this,

although hers was actually a bit worse because they had a family. Remember I was telling you about her parents. But there was a, there was a pro, there was a documentary

on Netflix, can't remember what it's called, about this guy who basically had like five women in five different countries and they all believed they were marrying him on the same day.

He proposed to five women and they all basically rocked up to their, the whole thing was a farce. Sorry. I just think, in this day and age

with like ring doorbells and like fucking find my friends, how is anyone cheating? No, we were saying this the other day. How are you cheating? No, we were saying this the other day. How are you cheating?

How the amount of admin that it requires to just even do two messages and plan your weekends and the lies that you've told and give her a different name. And also, it's like, you were in a six-year relationship that you wanted to be out of,

so get out of it. Put your big boy pants on and dump your girlfriend and go and shag about if that's what you want to do. For me, the wildest thing is the feel sorry, the pity message.

Oh, this is so... Are you mad? Are you on crack? Worst thing that could happen to you. I just got out of a 10 year relationship and then the first person I meet is you fucker and you have a girlfriend.

He's injecting heroin to his veins, this man. That is not right. He's wild. I actually think it should be illegal. I actually, sorry, I actually. Do you think it should be illegal? Well, like, what can you do? Do you know what I mean? How do you police that? I'm sorry, but if I'm getting fined for going 34 in a 30, you best believe he should be getting fined. But there are no cameras on the general public and their own homes. It's disgusting.

That is... We've got to figure this out. We need a government body that works just on ratbags. Yeah, good. Because I can't stand it. Also, it's 2024. Everyone's in ethical non-monogamy. If you want to shag about,

go and find someone that's up for it. Do you know what I mean? We'll call them the dick detectives. Yeah, we could find the dick detectives. It's like the paedophile hunters. The dick detectives. Because they're big dicks putting their dicks everywhere.

Actually, they should be the c*** cops. Because these men are c***s. I'm sorry to say it. Oh, babe. Our mum's going to tell us off so much. Oh, my mum's not listening. Don't worry about that. My mum stopped listening to us ages ago.

First episode, she tapped out. She thought, whoa, can't do this. It's too much's too much noise too much i really just it makes me so cross because i just think like that poor girl and like how she had to find out both of them that is so like you're having a prosecco at your christmas party and then you get that message no way i actually i'm not saying that obviously what's happened like horrific for you but for the girlfriend friend too as someone who is like, can you imagine, babe? Babe, did I ever tell you about that friend of a friend? Who was someone I know?

No. No, it's actually not. But she was in a relationship for like, I think it was like seven, eight years. They'd been together since they were really young. And he basically found out that he had a few, not one, a few STIs.

He had been cheating on her. He had no chance, no chance, no choice, but to tell her because she had them all as well. She had five STIs. I know someone who found out

because they had chlamydia as well. And it was like, well, I haven't been shagging around. I just think, like, I'm sorry. I do think these men deserve to go to some sort been shagging around. I just think, like, I'm sorry. I do think these men deserve to go to some sort of penitentiary.

I actually agree. Like, there is a lot of litter on our streets that needs picking up. And I just think, actually, get your high-vis on, boys, and get out there. They could do the fucking Lambeth bins once a week. They're now taking our bins out twice. Get these. What about a pothole? I went over an awful pothole the other day on the way to yours.

I do agree. In a pothole. So anything, anything to make you understand. other than someone else's vagina, please. Disgusting. I'm really sorry, babe.

I'm sorry, babe. There's no advice to give, really, apart from like, I mean, What are you meant to do? Surveillance everyone you go out with. Yeah, what's the lesson? Put a tracker on.

Yeah. See what he's up to when he's not with you. Especially, I actually do think that is quite psychopathic. To be able to keep up a lie. I can't even keep up a lie to like her or Roar being like.

Also, sorry, quickly, can I just say, it's really horrible because your agreement was casual, but that's not casual because you've now made me like a part in breaking up someone else's life. It's not casual because you're in a relationship. There's nothing casual about it. No, it's really bad. Right, number three.

Hi, galleys. Love the podcast, the pod-y-sy. Love that. Been listening for a while. So the context, I'm a 21-year-old like queer trans guy. And that's kind of important to the story so i matched this guy on tinder like two years ago um and we hit it off like we were chatting you know we hung out he was

lovely um and like things went places for like maybe three months the three month mark so then i you know said to him i was like listen i'm catching feelings and he was like no it's being too soon and then like ghosted me on everything and I was like oh okay that's the end of that maybe like two months later he came crawling back into my dms and I was like damn well I like attention not realizing how damaging this was going to be to me mentally let's all be real here so anyway things continue we start going together again. Like, we keep it very, very casual. And then he goes to me again. I'm in the uni library. And I get a text from him.

And he's basically like, hi. I think we're too similar. Like, we won't work out anymore. We can't keep seeing each other. And I'm like, what? That's so rude. So I'm, like, crying. I'm crying on the number 30 back to Hackney Wick. Like, sobbing. He comes crawling back to Hackney Wick, like sobbing.

He comes crawling back into my DMs like three months later and begs for me to come to his and see him again. So obviously I do because apparently I have not learned my lesson yet. And then literally like four months ago, I find out that he has a girlfriend and he's taken her home to meet the parents and his family and all that and they're in a quote-unquote ethically non-monogamous

relationship so by this point i'd move to southwest london and walk into the coffee shop who do i see him i'm not stopping that from ruining i'm not letting that ruin my day you know whatever i'm chilling there doing some work on my laptop getting my like spreadsheets done and then his girlfriend comes in and i meet his girlfriend and i'm sitting there and i'm like oh my god we've been shagging the same guy and it hits me that moment how mediocre this guy is and i'm just like we've had the same dick in us that's really jarring but i'm why? And that's the second time that happened to me. So like, no moral of the story

apart from don't go near men, I guess. Sure. But I thought you'd enjoy hearing it anyway. What the hell? Why is everyone

shagging everyone? Sorry, if you're in on E&M, you must tell your other partners that you're in on E&M. You can't be... Sorry, but what's E&M? Ethical non-monogamy?

What is the ethical edition? Thank you. What is ethical about that? The ethical edition is that everybody knows and we're all on the same page. Oh, well, clearly. Doesn't sound very sodding ethical, does it? They're not subscribing to the ethicality.

Because Marie number three is none the wiser as to who is shagging who. And then they have to sit next to, you know, Belinda and get the same nails as her. It's just jarring. I just think the theme of this is get a dog and get a vibrator,

to be honest with you. Because everyone sucks. Or date women. Or date women. But to be honest with you, babe, I bet you that there are a lot of women out there who I don't like to,

like, people are just a bit shit. I'm sorry. When the vagina and the dick like to like people are just a bit shit I'm sorry when the vagina and the dick seem to lead people just lose all sense of rationality. Can I actually just quite seriously ask one question why is everyone

so fearful to just be single like what's wrong with everyone what's happened in society that we're all so afraid I'll tell you what's happened social media everyone looks at these perfect couples, these Instagram... The Millie Bobby Browns of the world.

She's influencing people in the wrong way because she's married Baby Bon Jovi and she's 12. She's literally just had a period. And she's just got married. It's actually sick. And I just think that's why all these... Sick.

All these girls and boys and queers and gays and everyone wants to be in a relationship. Let me tell you now, it is better to be alone and so joyful about like the joy and goodness in your life than to be mistreated consistently by shit people. Amen. Say it again from the top. That was good.

I just think it's absolutely pathetic. Pathetic. Path it again from the top. That was good. I was just saying, it's absolutely pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. They're pathetic little swines, these people. I really,

sorry, I know I'm a bit hooked on the E&M stuff, right? But can I just, it really does jar me when people take like new kind of,

you know, funky terms and terms and they're just like, oh yeah, I'm running into E&M. It's like, you're actually not, you can't funky acronyms and terms and they're just like, oh yeah, I'm running into ENM. It's like, you're actually not.

You can't just jump on the bandwagon of ethical non-monogamy. Because then for the real ethical non-monogamists, I just take them for a joke because I've got this geezer over here being ethically non-monogable but not telling his side piece

that he does in fact have a girlfriend, his primary lover. Makes no sense to me. It's like all the veg vegans i can't take them seriously if there's someone over there having steak on a wednesday because they're feeling a bit anemic i'm loving this this is great babe because i think i'm a bit cross i'm loving this doesn't happen very often everyone feaster is is this what it feels like to be cross i do just think sorry there's just a lot of waste men out there. Waste men and women, women and men, they and them.

I just think, can you get a grip? Can you just do better? Send the text and say, I don't want to go out with you anymore. Sorry. Dump your girlfriend and check your STIs. I'm bored of it. Not dating anyone anymore.

Amen. Now I'm going to go, I'm going to do exactly what I said I wouldn't do and I'm going to say I'm celibate when actually I just like can't get a shag. It's just like being ethnically normal. No, because I do actually think everyone's so desperate to like have a someone,

have a no one and be joyful in your nobody because it is worse to be fucked about. I would have kicked him in the nut. I would have gone up to him and I would have said, hey, what coffee do you like? Fush. Fush.

Well, how do you like your coffee? Do you like it with a fucking side of blue balls, you prick? We actually don't encourage violence. No, actually, in that situation, I do. I do, actually. I know I'm going to get cancelled and all the charities

are going to be after me. Come for me. Not the charities. Don't worry, I'll are going to be after me. Come for me. Not the charities. Don't worry, I'll have the vegans after me. Right, should we do it all round up? Let's do it.

Marie, number one. She was ghosted three times. I actually think, you know, Marie went number one. That feels like two weeks ago we were talking about that.

Well, also, she should feel quite normal now because Marie, number three. Oh, yeah. How many times did you go back,

babe? You didn't stop. Wouldn't stop. The zombie was zombying. I was thinking, you know, sometimes when you can like see yourself from like an outer body and you think, don't do that.

Don't do it. Don't do it. And then you just see yourself walk towards the like death of you. To the cockroach. He's like a cockroach. He just keeps existing. Oh, try not to do that in future.

It's my only advice. Yeah, I've done it. Listen, I'm no judgment here. I've done it many a time i've gone back and back again i don't want to i don't want to like put words in your mouth because obviously i don't know your whole story but i do actually think sometimes it comes down to like a point of like actually know what you are worth i would 100 agree the only times i've ever gone back is when i felt like them wanting me gave me like worth. Like I would be lucky to have you.

And no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, we're not having any of that around here. That is stupid. That's what silly girls do. Do you know what I mean? What does Ray say?

Stupid girl. Anyway, Marie number two. What was, I've only got three. Oh right, no, sorry, I've got the notes, don't worry about it. She was seeing a guy

for a year and a half and found out that he was in a six-year relationship at her Christmas party. Just honestly, get him in. Poor Richard is going to be bleeping his bleep machine off. He's just going to be putting it in every two seconds. As he should, because every... I'm so sorry, the contributors, the Marie's today,

have shown us that actually people are... Again, beep it out i'm so sorry beep out what are you gonna do about it what are you gonna do about it yeah we had a conversation yesterday and she was like you're so self-righteous because you think you don't swear and i was like babe i like i i am like i do obviously think that i'm good at everything but um i am angelic look at my. But you do swear more than me. No, no, I do. But in this instance,

I think it's actually deserved because that man, he won't be listening to us. But I just feel like, don't, there's nothing to say, babe. He's a brick and you deserve better. And if there's any lesson, it's just like,

there isn't one even, is there? Because what are you going to do? No, come on. There must be a lesson. Come on. Oh, don't say trust no one. I can't have it again. For goodness sake.

And Marie, number three. Oh, for goodness sake. What a nightmare. Fuck ethical non-monogamy is all I can say. Fuck everyone. Fuck everyone. Sorry. That's been the resounding...

Actually, I have found the lesson of this pod. If someone ghosts you even once, there's no strike twos here, actually. We're getting rid of strike two. We're having one strike and you are out, my friend. No, I think strike two is okay. A ghosting is pathetic. Okay, a ghosting is okay,

but if they can actually, if there is a reason for it. Yeah, and then if you send the text and they come back and they're like, no, really, my granddad. My granddad. Maybe then you could give them a strike too. I lost an appendix, whatever.

So selfish. Right, are we ready for the latest segment of Leave a Message? Of course we can, let's do it. It's a really fun one. Do you take someone's star sign into account when dating? Not this question. What do you think people voted?

These are the options. Yes, 100%. No, I wouldn't even ask. No, I wouldn't even ask. I think that's the Yes, 100%. No, I wouldn't even ask. No, I wouldn't even ask. I think that's the winner. 75% no, I don't even ask. Yeah, I can believe it. Rohana, I know you would.

Boring. Rohana, seriously, like who would you date? Are you a Gemini? I'm a Taurus, so I like Capricorns. I love Tauruses, Aries. Sagittarius is cheat all the time so beware beware of the Sag

I love a Sag I love Sag men really? yeah a lot of my exes are Sag are Libras and Sages casual? no I don't think so

okay well I'm single I think I should start to pay more attention yeah maybe yeah maybe don't don't do that date someone who was

born in early December only 25% you're in. Only 25% said, you're in the minority, 25% said, yeah, they would take star sign into account. It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but I do think,

you know, when someone starts to piss you off and you just think, what's going on here? Yeah, are you just a dick or are you just a Gemini? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. What is that? Am I getting the ick or are you a fire sign? Do you know what I mean? Because something's going wrong here. Something's not

matching up here. Also, sometimes it's nice, I always think, to have like something else to blame. Like, you know when something's just not right? Yes. Or it's so right that you're getting carried away and you're... Do you know what I mean?

I'm from the universe. When you're getting so excited, like you just did, and you're falling in love, it's nice to be like, oh. Oh, well, the stars are aligned. Yeah, it's because they're a Capricorn.

That'll be why. We're Romeo and Juliet. We must be star-crossed lovers. Who are you meant to be with? When's your birthday? He's a Pisces. Capricorns and Pisces are super compatible. My dad's a Pisces,

so I don't know what happened there. They do say you date your dad. He's not my dad. He's not. I'll have you know. He is not my dad. He's not. I'll have you know. He is not my dad. I checked on 23andMe and he is not my dad.

All right. Who am I meant to date? Well, you're Libra. Yeah. Can we look on Libra? Confess compatibility. I think you're, are you an air sign?

Yeah. I think you're meant to be with an earth. I.e. me. Well, that works. Do you know that Capricorns and Libras, their friendship compatibility is right up there? As if.

Yeah. I don't know if you've noticed, we are actually quite good mates. Are we? Oh, no, it's shocking. We've only just discovered. But the stars did say, so now we can just...

Oh, so now it's just fine. Now it's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, plot twist. Leo's is supposedo's libras are supposed to be with gemini's aquarius leo's and sad just so oh i knew it oh i can be with the sad man do you know what that is because they have very high sexual compatibility they're all fire signs so maybe you're supposed to be with a fire sign. Fire. Sorry, what are you? You're a Leo.

I'm Earth. Taurus. What do you make up? She's a Taurus. Make you shaky. She's a bloody Taurus, a Leo. God's sake, look at her. I told you 20 times now. I'm shaking.

And I will not sell you again. And if I don't get a birthday card, I'll never be here on this set ever again. My birthday just went and I actually never got anything from anybody. Oh dear. Oh, we missed it we missed it oh no oh i'm really bad at her pa i.e her on it oh you can be captain of birthdays fuck that at hollywood can you do it also actually while

we're talking about that at chloe jones friend of so so many years i miss your birthday love you tenth of may i love you, don't chicken out. A shout out on this stupid podcast isn't going to do anything. But what's she going to do? She listens all the time. I know she's like, happy birthday.

Okay, I think that's it for this week. Thank you so much for joining us. We have forgotten to say in the last few ebbs, please, please, please. No, you don't need to do that because we're about to do a pre-record. Don't worry about it.

Oh, I won't bother then. Anyway, have a nice night and um love you so much love you so much bye bye Bye.