Leave A Message with Ally & G - 17 - Hating Your Friends Partner & Loving Your Family (A Little Too Much)

Episode Date: June 26, 2024

With Summer officially here in the Northern Hemisphere, you'd could be mistaken for confusing this weeks episode of Leave A Message with having a bout of heat stroke - it's going to truly knock you sideways! But alas, someone needs to help the gallies navigating the throws of modern society... and Ally & G have once again offered up their services. From the real reason you should never steal somebody's bag (hint: there might be a dead pet in it!) to a red wine mishap during an intimate moment and this weeks real shocker: cousins getting married! It's all happening this week. Plus, join the debate: should you tell your friend if you hate their partner? Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

in morgay we are running what kind of club is it going to be it's going to be like a boot camp yeah a bit like well it'll be exactly the same it'll be like hit classes but it'll be outdoor oh how you can do that in the depths of winter i'll get my thermals on, me and my long johns, probably. Babe, that's epic. Yeah, epic. Hello and welcome to Leave a Message. I will not be joining those outdoor classes. Yeah, you will in the summer.

In the summer? Not in the winter. I think they're probably seasonal. First of October, I'll be out of there. They must stop them. Surely. No, it's autumn. There are some people, now she's moving to the common,

you'll see them at 9 p.m on november the 29th doing their stupid little push-ups against the trees stupid you know what go home get inside get a gym membership i appreciate the effort to get fit and healthy but i don't think you need to be doing that what were you telling me about the other day what country was it where you have to run serbia or something why were you telling me about the other day? What country was it where you have to run? Serbia or something? Why were you telling me about somewhere in Russia? Oh! No, this is how, this is where, you wouldn't expect this of us,

and the, like, you know, the way our characters come across. But we go to this place called D. Thomas Clinic. Why would you expect that of us? No, no, you wouldn't expect this next bit. Right. We, I have a different physician, is that what they're called?

What is she called? Oh, I think she's called a... Beautician. Practitioner. Practitioner. I have a different practitioner to Al. I've had her the whole time. And I've had this other lady.

And then Al got my practitioner for one of her sessions. And honestly, the amount of knowledge that Al had about this woman, I've met her far more times than I honestly just about know her name.

But it's because I go in there and fall asleep. No, and she's like coming out and she's dribbling. I dribble. A laser sends me to sleep. And I would like to know her because honestly,

laser, they burn the pores off of your face. Like, it is like fire. She had to put the cooling sensation on me, babe. I do really enjoy pain, actually. I think I've got a problem. I'm sadistic. Is that what it is? I she had to put the cooling sensation on me babe i do really enjoy pain actually i think i've got a problem i'm sadistic is that what it is i think that way about bar i know you hate bar but like when it really burns i think oh yeah come on yeah i mean

it is quite similar anyway sorry we were talking about the practitioner because she she what did you where did you think she was from I thought she was Asian she's Siberian I asked her first thing I asked her because she looks like this is she looks 12 number one

and she's in her 50s she looks like you can't like place her yes in the world yes so I asked her where are you from

and she said I'm from whatever it's called it's like the most northern part of Siberia she's lived there basically her whole life and I was like what's the average day average part of Siberia she's lived there basically her whole life and I was like

what's the average day average day in Siberia she said what is this sorry I'm there to have a facial and Al's saying what's the average day

in Siberia I can't believe you're having those chats I just could then she started talking and I thought oh my god I can't you know she's got

like seven older sisters she's the youngest of seven sisters sorry I'm always like I've always been like this with people if you've got an interesting story i will hound you for the details wild and anyway so she said average day in siberia is minus 40 minus 50 you have to keep your car running the whole winter

otherwise if you stop it will freeze they don't smile because if you smile you let cold air into your body that is crazy she was like the biggest cultural shock that I got when I moved here was people smiling and I thought, they don't fucking smile very much. That is, yeah, I was going to say. So much of a cultural shock. Imagine going to America.

What would you do there? You'd have to. Imagine. Must leave. They're so friendly. All Canadians, they're so friendly. It's too much.

I think we must have some American and Canadian-nesses, but I just sometimes think like, why be so fake? Yeah, being fake. You can't feel that happy all the time. But apparently that's the thing that gets missed when like British comedians go to

America, like sarcasm, no go. They're just like oh my god, that's so sad. And you're like, no, no, I was joking. I actually want to jump off of something high. It's a joke. We're so dark and it doesn't resonate. Welcome. Welcome to Leave a Message. We were actually going to do an intro about

our favourite boyfriend, Rory Wyatt, but we've spoken about our practitioner instead. Do we have time for an intro about Rory Wyatt? Three minutes. Three minutes from Captain Rahana? Okay, let me just loosen up. I'm ready. Basically, on Saturday, we managed,

honestly, what a show it was. We managed to go from us having to go out for dinner and pay for dinner. On Friday night, we said to my sister-in-law, for dinner and pay for dinner. No, on Friday night, we said to my sister-in-law, do you guys want to have dinner with us tomorrow? It's silence, resounding silence. No one was interested.

And then we were like... Silence in the room? I thought, you know how many people would like to have dinner with us? You two dickheads. Anyway, then we were like, you know, begging them, we'll pay for your dinner.

We'll pay for dinner. We'll put it on the company card. No worries. It'll be a business meeting we won't tell our accountant and anyway then we somehow managed to get Raw to cook us

a two course Greek feast it was amazing honestly and it was 10 out of 10 and he was being such a joker it was so funny because we were led on the sofa like I was really hungover

because I'd had a wild night and she'd been up till 4 in the morning if you know what I mean oh god It was so funny because we were led on the sofa. I was really hungover because I'd had a wild night. She'd been up till four in the morning, if you know what I mean. Oh, God. Honestly, I'm getting visceral flashbacks. Okay, sorry. Anyway, we're lying on the sofa and we're like, oh, no, really, raw.

You know when you do like a half, like, no, no, but can we help? No, no, really, really, really. And he deadly, seriously, deadpan goes, I know what you girls can half, like, no, no, but can we help? No, no, really. But can we help with anything? And he deadly, seriously deadpan goes, I know what you girls can help with. He leaves the room. I'm thinking,

I wonder what this is, like what kind of like, you know, ingredients he's kept in the bedroom. And he comes back in in his bloody cricket whites and he's like, do we think this top

is too big or too small? Like, and then he starts doing, Al's like, okay, well, I can't really tell unless you're bowling. So serious. So serious.

He starts doing his big bowl. He's like, he's doing his bowl and he's warming his shoulder up. Yeah, he's doing his long barrier. He's checking that the... And you know, you don't want too much movement in the shoulder area when you're bowling and when you're... And he's like, oh, do you think it's a bit tight?

Oh, it's a bit tight around there. And we're like, honestly, it's absolutely perfect. So that's actually all we had to do was like, big him up about his cricket shirt. And then we just got fed. And then we just lay down on the sofa and... And then we watched Challengers. And the sofa as well.

It was me and her, like, cuddling each other. I know. I said, well, do you want me to move? And he was like, no, no, that would be weird. I was like, why is it weird? He was like, if we all sit in a line together, it's a bit weird. It's like, you're weird.

Right, okay, well, we can have a voice note then if we're just going to dive straight in. What are we calling our... Gallies. Gallies this week? Okay. Ooh, racking my brain for something. Famous cricketer.

Oh, good. Phil Tufnell. No, no, Freddie... Was his name Freddie? Freddie Mercury. Flintoff. Sorry. You must cut that.

Richard, cut that right now. That is so highly embarrassing. Oh, Richard, I've missed you. How are you? You good? Good. I just imagine he speaks back are you? You good? Good. I just imagine he speaks back to us in his little editing suite.

No, he does. And actually, he says that we're his favourite pod to edit. Sorry, I know I'm probably... Have you made that up? No, babe. James, is that a fax? Read the DM. He doesn't know.

Do you not read the DM? He's like, no, I'm not your target audience, but I love to listen to the pod. That isn't... It's my favourite pod to edit. You've... I've embellished that a bit, yeah. Sorry, Reg yeah sorry rich but you know we'd like the feedback if it is freddie are they gonna be called freddie yeah freddie great hi galleys so i just had to tell

you this story it's not about me it's about a friend of a friend but basically she was dog sitting for a lovely family who were on holiday for two weeks she was looking after an old labrador and in the first week of her being there the dog unfortunately passed away just from old age so she had to ring the family and break the news and they were obviously really upset but they said obviously we don't come back for another week so you're gonna have to do something with the dog so she was like yeah whatever you need um and they told her that there was a large bag in one of the wardrobes um and then to put the dog in the bag get a taxi to the vets um and get the dog cremated at the vets so she got the bag put the heavy dead labrador

into the bag carried it down um to where the taxi was picking her up um but the taxi couldn't get right outside the house so she had a little bit of a walk um with this bag to get to the taxi while she was walking a guy passed her and noticed that she was struggling with this big heavy bag and said are you okay like what's in the bag and she panicked and said oh it's my brother's dj equipment and the guy said oh let me help and she was like oh no it's okay but he snatched it off her and ran away thinking that he'd hit the jackpot so I was stealing an expensive bag full of um dj equipment so the poor girl then had to call the family and explain what happened um But not only that, a guy is going to get round the corner and find out that he hasn't got any DJ equipment.

He's actually just stole a dead dog. So maybe he'll think again before he steals anybody else's bag. Thanks, girls. Oh my God. That is brilliant. Maybe you must write a book. That is a brilliant story. If I was ever at drinks or in a social situation,

I would pull that one out every single time. If someone said, what's a fun fact about you? I'd say, my friend of a friend. Yes, I would say, my distant friend of a friend, who I actually don't know, and I heard this story multiple times through multiple different sources. That is epic.

Sorry, that is a lesson about karma, because you can't be stealing people's fake DJ stuff. multiple times through multiple different sources. That is epic. Sorry. That is a lesson about karma because you can't be stealing people's fake DJ stuff. Also, horrible that you like went up to her, obviously to try and like, he was obviously thieving. He was in the area ready to thief. Precisely. And I don't like that behavior.

You offer to help. Pretend chivalry still exists. What would you say though? You're not going to say my fucking, I'm dog-sitting this dog that's just died and I've put it in a... I actually might say, number one, sir, none of your business.

Number two, it's a dead dog. Mind your own business. Move along. If someone came up on the street next to you and you had a dead Labrador dragging it along the floor, I don't think you'd say, oh, sorry, they've reported you to the RSPCA. The thing is, you city people don't understand.

The amount of times I've like even got in a car of like a neighbour's and there's just like a dead animal and they're like, well, I picked it up. Like roadkill and they're just trying to like, you know, take it off the road. Dead animals, it's okay. They die. It's sad. But you could have told the man, it's a dead dog. Sorry, on TikTok.

There are these things our main source of knowledge every single bit of information that i get these days is from tiktok there's this thing that's like what there's like a reddit thread that's like what are some things that you can say about your industry now that you don't work in it anymore and like the the one that comes up probably the most is people that used to work in hotels and they were like you do not understand how many people die in hotels and we have to somehow get them out of the lobby and no one in like and you can't you can't be having your breakfast and seeing a corpse and they're and some people were like we'll like sit them up in a wheelchair and like make their eyes do you know on cruise ships they have morgues yeah oh because so many people some people everyone on a cruise is 95 105 and also they um they do that instead of retirement homes because

it's like more fun have you heard about the law with cruise ships no one um how if you're a single female and you go to a cruise ship, typically you end up going missing. There's a lot of people who just fell into the ocean. Shut your mouth. They're sex trafficking them. On a cruise? On a cruise.

That's why there's so many morgues. Wild. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Is that from TikTok? That, my friends, is TikTok. Oh my gosh sorry good story babe

you best that is an epic story but I honestly don't think there is enough money in the world like at that point I'd be like sorry guys

do you not have a relative that can deal with this like it's not really it's beyond my remit dog sitting in your current financial situation they said we'll give you that

oh in my current financial situation yeah yeah yeah I'd have buried the dog for them and I'd have asked for an extra tenner. Died the whole myself. Did my dad's toenails the other day

when I went home yesterday. Tenner. Legend. Tenner. And I had to fake tan his legs. She messaged me yesterday. Wild.

Her dad is honestly living on a different fucking planet. Also, can I tell you, sorry, Al, you know the other day Roar was like, oh, how old's your dad?

I was like, oh, 83. He's 80. I don't know why I lied. I just forgot. I kind of forgot., Al, you know the other day Roar was like, oh, how old's your dad? I was like, oh, 83. He's 80. I don't know why I lied. I just forgot. I kind of forgot. And I said to him the other day, I was like, sorry, how old are you again?

He was like, you're at my 80th in November. And I was like, oh yeah, good point. I thought you were 83. He was so offended. Oh, to be honest with you, 80, 83.

Same. What's the difference? You still can't bend down to do your toes, babe. He's in the pits because he's in pain. And I text Al the other day. No, she texted me yesterday saying,

oh my God, babe, they've upped his antidepressants. And he's actually such a good time guy. Yeah, he's just so jokes because they literally just, his antidepressants were too low. Also, her dad, this one picture, I actually have it like etched in my mind.

The sun lamp. Yeah, he has this UV lamp, right? And he puts these little, like, fake tan goggles on and he sits there in his shirt. If you can't, if you're listening to us and he sits there

like a hobbit, like hunched over, staring, not even doing anything, just staring into this. My dad looks like Wayne Lineker if Wayne Lineker was, like, born in Gloucester

and had no money. Like, that's what my dad looks like. But he does. Yeah, he really does. Hey, you should born in Gloucester and had no money. Like, that's what my dad looks like. But he does. Yeah, he really does. Hey, you should get 23 and me on it. They might be related. I think they could be. He doesn't look like Gary, but he looks so much like Wayne.

Especially when he's got a tan and he used to have his fake teeth. Oh, my God, they look so alike. Oh, with the fake teeth, I can definitely see that. Because he had full veneers, my dad. Also, Wayne Lineker's a couple of years younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Wayne Lineker in 20 years might be Martin. Yeah, yeah. Well, no, because. So Wayne Lineker in 20 years might be Martin. Yeah, yeah.

Well, no, because he's got more money. Money saves you. Sorry, I don't know how we got from a dead dog to my dad, but, you know, do with that what you will. Make this autumn the tastiest season yet

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seven boxes new subscribers only varies by plan that's 10 free hellofresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com slash free allergy you're welcome before we continue with this week's episode of leave a message if you want to be part of our group chat make sure you leave us a voice note using all the details in the episode description now this can be about anything obviously sometimes we ask you for specific topics but if you've got a story that you think girls need to hear this and get voice noting should we go for number two hey yeah so this is just basically about my first time with my current boyfriend now so he's long distance from me so we see each other like every couple of weeks and so this time he comes down for like just a weekend

we're watching a film and you know i've got some red wine he doesn't drink red wine so I have a bottle of red wine I'm like no I'm not gonna finish this wine I get down to like half the bottle and then he's like oh let's play a drinking game and I'm like okay bear in mind this is where we'd got together but we hadn't seen each other naked we haven't done anything at all we've like kissed and then he suddenly goes oh let's play a stripping game and by this point I'm three quarters way through a bottle of red wine so I'm like on the edge of you know falling to sleep we go upstairs and we're playing this game and then suddenly out of nowhere he's just impatient and just strips.

And I'm like, okay. He walks towards me and I feel like I'm literally in a film. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And then we make it onto the bed and we're kissing. And bear in mind, by this point, I'm at the end of the literal red wine bottle. And so we're making out and then i go down on him and at this point don't get me wrong it was consented but i was completely out of it and this was like my first time um so i'm doing it and then suddenly i gag so hard that all the red wine comes out of my mouth onto his dick and um in my moments of

completely wasted i don't realize what's happened so i continue on while this red wine is just you know going all over the bed all over him and i'm just literally like a toddler i pick up my vomit of red wine and it's just like pure red wine so it looks like blood and I'm just holding it going oh my god you know I'm spewing out blood like I'm dying and all this time he's just like having a little freak out and I don't even realize this but he's super like he was super kind he He was like, oh, it's okay. And then we ended up taking a shower together. So I was like, wow, that's a box ticked off, you know?

There is a lot to talk about. I actually don't know where to start. Okay. I'm actually stunned into silence. So can I just say, the whole nudity thing, like, I forgot it's such a big deal to be naked in front of someone for the first time,

especially someone you really like. And you like inspect every inch of their body and you know that they're doing the same to you. I go, my new tactic is like early doors. I just didn't get off straight away. Like almost straight away, get off.

Because I just think, if you're going to see it, you're going to see it. Lights on, let's do it. Rihanna. I could never. What? Never get naked? Not straight away, kit off. Because I just think, if you're going to see it, you're going to see it. Lights on, let's do it. Rihanna. I could never. What? Never get naked?

Not straight away. No. It's like one thing at a time for a few minutes in between. Okay, yeah, you prefer the tease. It's not even, it's not a tease,

it's more like, I don't want to part with my clothes. I'm not teasing you, I just don't want to whip the kegs off. I don't know what to say. That's why you must do it in dim lighting. I do recommend getting a dimmer switch. I do agree't want to whip the kegs off. I don't know what to say. That's why you must do it in dim lighting. I do recommend getting a dimmer switch.

I do agree. But if you're at their house, men do not know anything about lighting. Take the lights off. Lights off. No, but why is it only the big light or pitch black? I'll tell you what was an ick the other day. Oh, come on.

Let's hear it. On Friday, we'd kind of, I think. I'll tell you the ick after you've told me your ick. Yeah, it all happened quite quickly. I also really resonate with you, babe, the pissed consensual sex. It's very, it's hilarious because you're all shit-faced

and you want it at the time, don't get me wrong, it's all consensual, but my God, you don't remember much. And it's all a bit... Like in that consciousness, you think, oh God, did I really throw up on his willy? Yeah, God, did I do that?

That wasn't me. That wasn't me. Don't know her. Couldn't do that. A whole bottle of red, no way. Yeah, God, did I do that? That wasn't me. That wasn't me. Don't know her. Couldn't do that. A whole bottle of red? No way. Yeah, so we were like on the sofa making out. I obviously like tits out, everything straight away

because I just thought, fuck it. Anyway, then we went upstairs to his bedroom and I honestly could have at this point, if I wasn't pissed, I probably would have turned around and got an Uber home, but I couldn't be arsed. He walks through the door

and he's like, Alexa, bedroom mood lighting. I was like, sorry. Oh no, babe. And you still shagged him three times. I just want to repeat that back to you. I know, I know. Actually, I know.

It's really bad. I forgot he did that. I actually can't look at you. That's how you just come back to me. I actually can't look at you. That's how you just come back to me. I actually can't look at you. That is disgusting. That is utterly disgusting. Oh, fuck.

He kept speaking to Alexa. He spoke to her during. He kept changing the music. I had that once. And that, I'm sorry. This guy, this is at uni, comes into my dorm, plugs his phone into my speaker

and starts speaking to Siri. Not Siri. No Siri. Siri. You're not welcome here, Siri. Not a throuple we need. I swear to God, these are his words.

Siri. Hey Siri, tell Spotify to play my sex playlist. Swear to God. And it was like, house. You've just said that out loud. No house.

No house. I didn't shag him his dick was way too big oh wait no I did shag him no no I did oh goodness me I've just wait maybe it's a

big dick thing maybe it's a big dick thing it was I sorry that's actually making me feel violently unwell when you remember

these things yeah horrible flashbacks. He is on my list, but I kind of sometimes, if I don't want to get the numbers down... You forget about him in particular. Only because it was in there for 30 seconds and I thought, I can't do this. Too big.

What are you going to do with that thing? No, I had that problem. It was horrendous. I've never experienced it. Well, I have experienced it once, but I just thought, God, I don't know how you do anything with that. Enormous.

Big, big, big, big, big. Anyway, it was hilarious because earlier in the night we'd been speaking about how much we loved country music. So the music, he then asked Alexa to play during Shagging. Did he actually do that?

He fully went Alexa playing. He said Alexa play. Sorry. Alexa, play Hot Country. Fucking Chris Stapleton comes on Rich cut that

that's so bad for your personal brand that you've still shagged him after you heard him say that you mustn't I was on top like a cowgirl I was having a great time

I was like yeah Alexa make it louder if you're staying Alexa you might as well turn it up turn it up. Turn it up.

Get the party started, Alexa. Oh, God, I'm hot. Sorry. I've never been sick on a dick. Have you? No. Okay. But I've been extremely,

I think I have an overactive gag reflex. See, I've got the opposite problem. I don't think I have one. If the dick so much as touches three quarters of the way back in my mouth I'm out of there I'm out of there poor Roar

never gets there that's what he said the other day never makes it what did he we asked him babe bub

you need to you need to get in the car because we really don't have a guest for season 12 oh yeah we were really like no no we're really struggling ep 13 is not happening we need a guest and it has to be you.

And he was like, no. And I was like, right, what do I have to do? And he was like, give me blowjobs. He was like, blowjob might be nice. And I said, how many? And he said, minimum 10. I said, no fucking way. Absolutely no fucking way. Minimum 10. Babe. Babe, you're on crack. Sorry, in a long-term relationship, a blow-in is the easiest get-out-of-jail-free card you'll ever have. One, two, suck a few,

you're done. No, no, no. No, no. So easy. What's easier is a handy. You don't even have to move. You don't even have to move your body.

Poor Ro. She's not even looking at him. You stretch out your arm and you just literally up and down. She's got her LED mask on. So, Ro. How's not even looking at him. You stretch out your arm and you just literally up and down. She's got her LED mask on. So, Rory. How's that for you?

Fuck's sake. Poor Rory. My earplugs in. I can't even hear. She's editing Drive Thru with one hand. Tossing him off with the other. You must... Sorry, no.

So, you've never been sick on a dick despite the... No, I have. Have you? You have. No, no, I on a dick despite the no I have have you? you have no no I haven't no no no no no

don't spread false news no I can't be sick I really struggle to be sick and I've got no gag reflex it's just a problem I've got I know I think it's a worse problem

to have have done done that what she did it's so funny when you're pissed and you're like oh my god

I'm bleeding and it is just like the red wine or beetroot do you know what I mean and you're just like so confused by it I had to lick it up

I'm sorry baby oh baby you were holding it were you oh dear god at least he was a nice man yeah hey

I think they're still together they're still together obsessed obsessed with him if I threw up red wine all over Roy Roy's I don't know why I'm trying to conceal together. Obsessed. Obsessed with him. If I threw up red wine all over Rory's last name, I don't know why I'm trying

to conceal. Rory Pyatt. Pory Pyatt. If I threw up over Pory Pyatt's dick and stomach, after seven years, he'd be out of there? You think he'd be out of there? I don't think he'd be out of there, babe. Sorry, I'm gonna

say this. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is a workplace hazard. If you're putting something in my mouth, I might be sick. If you're putting something in my bum, I might poo. If you're putting something in my vagina, I might bleed on you. I don't know what to say. I know what, do you know what I mean? It's time for friend number three.

She can't handle the chat. She's like, get me out of here. Boys, no three, I know, it's clean, get me out of here. Boys No. 3, I know it's Kina. Get me out of here. All right, here's a bit of family drama. So about 25 years ago, my parents got married. And at the wedding reception,

my dad, it was in like a hotel. And my dad was waiting for a lift. And out of the corner of his eye, like in a lift whose doors were closing, he saw two of my mom's cousins snogging, like fully like making out. And so he's obviously really freaked out. So he is like, okay, I'll hang back, take the next lift. And he goes up and sees my mom's family. It's my mom, her parents, her brother, her sister, like a lot of people on that side of the family.

And he's like, guys guys i just saw your two cousins snogging and everyone is like you're disgusting you're a terrible person like why would you say that they're cousins like of course they weren't snogging like you're a creep and he felt really bad but he's like i swear i saw them um but you know he never brought it up again because he was like ridiculed so much for saying that so then fast forward 10 years that we get those two cousins wedding invitation in the post no context no like oh they're dating oh they've fallen in love just dropped the wedding invitation to everyone and my dad was so vindicated he was so happy he's like everyone called me a creep like everybody

said i was disgusting but look at them now they're getting married these first cousins um and i don't understand how it's legal but it is for some reason based on like the way they like the generations lined up but whatever i guess that's not my business anyways we go to the wedding and it's really confusing because you know how there's like a groom side and a bride side we genuinely didn't know what side of the aisle to sit on because we're related to both sides um so they get married it's rather foul um because they're cousins um and now they've got two kids and the kids are like really different like you can just tell that they're inbred so yeah my dad was really happy when they got married

though because he's like I'm not a sicko you just didn't believe me so yeah sorry i am obsessed so i how is that legal is it legal we get a fact check on that back in the day they did used to do that a lot like keep it in the family like wasn't the queen related to philip say they're like second or third cousin yeah i mean she said cousins like outright first cousins first cousins can't be I actually don't think that is legal maybe she's in a different country because

in the UK both parties even if both parties can consent incest is a criminal offence including it's a criminal offence that's not actually

that surprising because I guess they want to like you know not have a whole nation of inbreds watched this documentary once on one of those

weird channels you know like W or whatever they're called. Yes, yeah. And it was like this happened to this couple. They'd literally met in this small town. I've heard this, I've heard this. And they were like, well, we love each other

and we don't now care that we're related. We're going to reproduce. Oh my God. I also watched a documentary about this town in America who he was, this doctor I think is either dead or went to jail for the rest of his life and died in jail he was he he owned this sperm donor oh my god and he kept giving them and instead of giving other people their sperm that bit like you know your there and their

partner's sperm I remember gave them his sperm so he had fathered like yes yes five or six oh my god I remember this no I watched it in the same town and like when they all and they were all fucking related all everyone and they'd all been shagging each other

because they didn't know because they were all like teenagers together it's so do you know I had this so my auntie you shagged your cousin

no but can I just say I could have done because I'm from Gloucester as you know and they're very important there is a joke about the Forrester Dean in particular But can I just say I could have done? Because I'm from Gloucester, as you know. Oh, they're very inbred. There is a joke about the Forrester Dean in particular being very inbred because they don't leave the forest. Sure.

Right, I'm not from the Forrester Dean, but we're close. I'm not inbred, don't worry everyone. I'm not inbred, I swear. But when I was at school, no one told me that I was related to Chris Hughes. I went to school with Chris Hughes, aka Love Island Chris Hughes. Sorry. I was related to Chris Hughes I went to school with Chris Hughes aka Love Island Chris Hughes sorry

I'm related to him and we haven't cashed in on that yet get him on episode 13 what were you waiting for him okay you'll get me out

of doing my blowjobs his mum is my dad's cousin so him and my dad his mum and my dad are cousins yes

so I am related to him you're cousins you're second cousins? We're like, well, no, it's generationally. Your first cousins once removed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I was like,

guys, he was a lot older than me, but his younger brother, Ben Hughes, I definitely could have shagged, like, 100%. Like, we went to school together, like, especially as we got older. And I was like, sorry, did no one want to tell me?

What, it took him being on Love Island for everyone to tell me that I was related to him. Did no one want to say? He was, it took him being on Love Island for everyone to tell me that I was related to him? Did no one want to say? He was of no interest before Love Island. True. He used to have really crazy gel spiky hair. That's all I remember about him at school.

Sorry, so I'm just, I'm trying to understand how this was legal. I know. Maybe they aren't in the UK or they did it illegally. Or maybe they are once removed. Is it all cousins? It's got to be family.

It's even adoptive and foster, so I'm pretty sure it's legal. Oh my God, it's so illegal. So she's definitely not in the UK.

God, so can you go to prison? Oh, it feels a bit harsh, doesn't it? Prison for love? Not really, to shag your cousin. I don't know, I think it's harsh.

You want men in jail for cheating and you won't have yeah lock up the cheats let out the incest I love it love is love baby

love who you want to love I just wanted to say yeah what would you do like if my cousin snogged me if you shagged Chris Hughes

yeah and you didn't know yeah what would you actually like you like I would like honestly If you shagged Chris Hughes, and you didn't know, what would you actually, like, I would, like, honestly bleach. Feel a bit unwell, I think, probably. I would, like, bleach my whole fucking vagina. Yeah, I think I'd feel a bit, like, unwell. I would get Domestos up there,

and I would, honestly, I would... Domestos up the fan. Up the fan. Whoa. Whoa, that's severe. It's got to be Dom. I wouldn't domestic up the fan, but I would probably feel a little unwell. The best thing is that the dad goes, I'm not a fucking sicko. Yeah. You think I'm a sicko? I told you what I saw. You and you all said

I was a creep. Can I say a lot happens at weddings? Do you know what I mean? We all had a drink, a bit excited, love's in the air. Imagine seeing that. Would you tell everyone if you saw your cousins making out in a lift? I actually... I'd be like, guys, this is too much now. I'd probably just have to

exit my family WhatsApp group. It's too much. I wouldn't be going to the wedding. I definitely can't be doing that. Or maybe I would out of fascination. Yeah, I would.

But like, you know, when you were sitting... Did they acknowledge it in the speeches? Like, ha ha. Remember those Christmases we spent together? As children.

As related children. I've known you all my life. Also, you know when they like snog and you'd be like looking at them like so intently, like all of their juices are like mixing. That's not right, is it? Sorry. Actually, I've changed my mind.

It should be illegal. Do we want to do a roundup? Yeah, let's do it. Gorgeous. Okay. Okay, number one,

I actually think that you are, I think that you are the star of the week. Yeah, that story is epic. And you must find a way to make some money out of that because people will find that funny

and laugh. You could do a stadium tour or something. I think you could. I think you could do a skit. It could be a quick 20 minute show where you reenact

carrying a dead dog. Get in touch with Live and the Apollo and you'll be away. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I think it's really absolutely 10 out of 10

and it's one of those things where you know when you tell a lie and you think why did I lie? Because your lie gets you in more trouble than the truth would have done.

Oh, this is like everything but you wouldn't say. You just wouldn't say it. I've got a dead Labrador in that bin. You wouldn't say it. Well, that's the lesson. You should.

You should just always tell the truth. And watch out for people in wheelchairs in hotels. And if you're a single woman, don't get on a cruise alone, okay? Oh yeah, good point. I did not, I had totally forgotten about the wheelchair thing. I was like, sorry.

Are you okay? Number two. Oh yeah, good point. I did not, I had totally forgotten about the wheelchair thing. I was like, sorry. Are you okay? Number two. The virginity and the red sick. It was her virginity. Oh no, was it? If I just made that up, I wrote virginity down.

It was, it was. It was, it was. They didn't even have sex, but it was the first time, it was the first person she'd done bits with. I think they did in the shower. Oh, do you? Sex in the shower, come on. Really good.

First time she ever did a blouser, she threw up on him. Yeah. I hate it when she calls it a blouser. Rihanna don't. I've had this conversation with her 105 times. Rihanna's in bits. I know. A blouser is so bad. It's hilarious. It is a blouser. I'm not going to say blowjob. A blowy. It's a blowy.

Head. I like head. Are you 15? Oh, I just gave Head. I like head. Are you 15? Oh, I just like gave him head on the weekend. Are you 15? I gave him a blotter. Who do you know above the age of 12 saying that? Who's saying a blowy or a blowjob? Everyone.

Almost everyone I know. What would you say? Head. Head. Sexy. Sorry. Head sexy. Come on.

Head. Can I give you head? That's sexy come on head raw can I give you head that's sexy can I get a little bit of head maybe don't do that now that you know

that you have an overactive gag reflex after a bottle of wine well they're still together and basically the moral of the story is that a man who can deal

with your bodily fluids is a good man and number three cousin snogging incest in the fam there's just you know there's just no gray area when it comes to cousins i just want to make that abundantly clear yeah i think it can be pretty black and white don't touch your family ever we're a bit gray on like you know siblings of friends but we're not going to shag our family members even you know like i've told every single person that i know and meet this story about the girl on the family drama

episode who who's my who's like mum whose aunt had a baby with her stepdad yeah i mean even that i know they're not blood related but it's not right that is not not right. Just, you know, there are... I think in this world, currently, we're a little at risk of making everything fine because it's like, you know, we're like super woke and accepting and like everything's all good gravy, baby, like you do you. But maybe there are some things

that should stay illegal and not right. They should definitely. There's no maybe about it. There's absolutely no maybe. Don't ever Definitely ever Never ever Definitely never

Touch your family Okay Ever Blanket rule Can we do question of the week? Okay Great Where's my phone?

Right there Who am I? Okay hi Still alive at the Apollo I just want to go back to the Queen While you're finding that So they were second cousins And they

I Can you just check that? I think that Queen Elizabeth, I don't mean to slander the royal family because I actually am really a huge fan of Queen Elizabeth II. May she rest in peace. Amen. But I do think that they were a bit inbred.

Isn't that why they all have really recede-y hairlines? They're third cousins. It's not right. That is Bad cousins. It's not right. That is not right. That is not right. But was it through blood or marriage? Because I suppose you could have someone as a cousin and actually technically not. Oh yeah, it would be blood related to them.

Oh, no, would you be? No, you could. No, it's blood. No, it's blood. Oh, it's blood. Queen Victoria. They both were descendants of Queen Victoria. See?

Sorry. How do you expect anyone in our great nation to think that they can't shag their cousins if the bloody monarch's doing it? Yeah, and also, on that topic, off TikTok, again, there was Philip the something,

Philip the Eighth or whatever his name was, there was this one king that was, like, a result of, like, 120 years of inbreeding in the UK and he honestly, like,

he only lived till 22, like, he was, like, look him up, it's fascinating. And he honestly like, he only lived till 22. Like he was like, look him up. It's fascinating. And he like couldn't walk properly. His face was like an oblong with like this really like, I mean, you know,

really like extreme jaw. Like he looked like an animal. Sorry. Sorry I took it one step too far there. I'm so sorry. Bring it back, could you? I think it's Charles II. No, no, babe.

No? Anyway, there was this one king that was just... You best get your facts straight. We're going to go slagging people off and saying they look like animals. You tell me your... Right, question of the week this week. Are you ready?

Would you tell your friend if you hated their partner? I voted on this. Was I supposed to do that? Yes, you can vote. I did too. So that makes it even and square. I bet we voted differently. I voted yes. I voted no. I knew you would because you're so, why would you vote no? Because it doesn't, no, no, it doesn't help. In my experience, it's like... My experience of blowing people's relations. In my experience of everyone hating my ex, it doesn't help. Like, I just think it can make a really... Tell me the question again.

Would you tell your friend if you hated their partner? Okay, hated... Okay, I have something. Because you think hated, yes, because it's strong. I only think it depends if you hate them as a person or if you hate the way that they behave. Yeah, or you hate who they are for your... These questions of the week

are very tricky because they need to be a little bit more specific. That's good. That's why we have a podcast, babe. They're not very nuanced. That's what the purpose of the podcast is. Oh, to elaborate.

But people can DM in. DM in, okay. Or voice note in. No one DM'd in. They all just voted. I just think, it's, okay,

if you, I won't use your ex as an example because I didn't know him well enough, but if you did have a boyfriend who I found highly jarring as a person and he just grated on me and I just found him fucking in a wing, but he treated you really well.

And I loved him and like because we like different things yes i guess i wouldn't tell you that i just think he's a pain in the ass and like i just find him annoying because like what can you do that's who he is that's yeah love nothing you can do about and i picked him and i must enjoy his jarringness right yeah but if he had if he continued to behave in a way that I felt was really wrong or like his actions and behaviour were not up to the standards that I would set for you as my best friend,

I would say something. So I think hated is, it depends about what you hate about them. Yeah, I guess this question is more saying like if you just didn't, if you just hated them, whatever those reasons are. I want to say I wouldn't,

but I don't. You would. I think you would. I definitely wouldn't. Only because I just think it like drives a wedge and I prefer no wedge. Yes, I must get my wedge in.

You want to put your wedge in, whereas I'm just like, oh, don't do the wedge because I just think like if it does go Pete Tong and if I do think it's because of his behaviour, I'm going to be

no wedge between us when you come and open up the door for me to go I didn't like his behaviour there. Then at least I can be like, whereas if you know I don't like him, there's things you won't tell me because you'll be like, or G would hate that. Agreed. I am a

wedger though, so I totally agree. Do you want to know what the galleys voted? I think they would have voted yeah yeah 356 votes yes I know what's best for my friend 67% and 33% said

no they can be with whoever they want oh whoever they want is strong not their cousins sorry half of three can't be with them straight to prison

thank you all so much for listening to us this week. This is Leave a Message. Please leave us a message. The link to our WhatsApp is in the episode notes and it's in our bio. Please leave us a message. This podcast only exists because of your messages.

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