Leave A Message with Ally & G - 2 - First Date 101: Scan The Area, Where's The Toilet?

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

Have you ever gone to the toilet on a first date and... gotten more than you bargained for?! On this weeks episode of Leave A Message, Ally & G are revealing your extreme dating dilemmas and helping you get out of some tricky situations. From projectile pissing to getting blocked by your boyfriend on your 18th birthday, plus the story that leads to the historic advice: don't let out a fart in someone else's house. Ally & G are proving that when they said nothing is off limits... they meant it! Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're talking about my ex-boyfriend, it's okay. I was dreaming about him last night. I was thinking about him last night. Sorry, talking about dating. Have we started? Yeah. Lara, brilliant. She's rolling. Yeah, have we started? Make sure you get this, everybody.

Make sure you get this bit of scoop. Make sure you turn your volume up. I don't know why I was thinking about him so much. Were you thinking about him last night? Babe, that's really weird. I do think we've got some kind of twin telepathy going on. Why were you thinking about my ex-boyfriend? I know why I was.

Because I was editing. Okay. Were you? In a sexual manner? Oh, no. Babe, I wasn't sat there fingering myself thinking about your ex-boyfriend because I was editing honestly the thought of you fingering yourself with those claws is actually quite like troubling that's why I've got to have a device that does it for me sure sure no I was thinking about him just because I was editing our um our edit for the website and

it was like the break and I had to go and find a clip of one clip of us laughing from that episode thankfully we did actually laugh in the whole listen if you don't laugh you'll cry why were you thinking about him I don't actually know I'd been talking about him at dinner because everyone was like oh has he spoken to you and I was, actually. Then I think I went into a spiral of like, why hasn't he spoken to me anymore? But I was thinking, are you okay now? Yeah, I think I'm okay. I think you're okay too.

I think mostly I'm okay. And listen, it's perfect because I've got to the stage now where I'm dating again. So this podcast app is like very relevant. That's like what Freddie Mercury would have heard on the stage or like any pop star.

I don't know how you get that high. That's so piercing. Fran literally looks like she's about to faint. Luckily, I can't see Fran's face. All of her facial reactions this episode will be completely cut out from me. Okay, yeah, good. Okay, so here we are.

Episode two. We have actually made it to ep two. So exciting. I'm over the moon. It feels so nice to be here. The best thing about this is that I do look like I'm fully, I don't know, wearing... Al's dressed... Okay, so this is what's happening. We do this all

the time. We've come to different events, but that's fine. If Al was going to get back on the scene and she was going to be single, this is her dating look. This is what I would wear. This is it, isn't it, babe? Yeah. You'd rock up to that. Because my chubs do look quite large. You what? My chubs. The hell's a chub? Do you not know about that?

Oh my God. I actually don't have boobs, so I wouldn't know about a chub. Last night, we were watching True Detective, right? And there's a scene. Oh, is it good? Yeah, but there's a scene

where Matthew McConaughey is having sex with Alexandra Daddario and her tits, and Raw goes, whoa, big chubs. And he said chubs. And he said chubs. That's a dumpable offence, actually,

if my boyfriend said that. I don't mind chevs. They're better than, like, I don't know, jugs. What do they call them? Jugs? That's like Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging. What does he call them? Nunga Nungas.

But yeah, we're here today to talk about dating. I'm really out of practice. I don't really know why we're doing this. We're more here for you because you get such excitement from the stories. You're like, no. Also, I'm a of practice I don't really know why we're doing this we're more here for you because you get such excitement from the stories you're like no also I'm a bit more savage

because like it's not my neck on the line and I don't have to find anyone so like I'll actually give you the advice that you probably knew but you're not you're too afraid to do because like you're alone

and you want to not be alone yeah like when Al said basically I was complaining the other week about being really busy and I was like I've got this this this this

I've got a date to go on and she was like babe I think the dates can drop and I literally bit her head off I was complaining the other week about being really busy. And I was like, I've got this, this, this, this. I've got a date to go on. And she was like, babe, I think the dates can drop. And I literally bit her head off. I was like, that's okay for you to stay with a fiancé at home that loves you? Just because, you know, being single at 27 is actually like bleak. Babe, it's not bleak.

By the way, it's not bleak. I'm currently getting ghosted by a guy who went skiing and never came back. And him some. Do you know what I mean? Like, where have you gone? Have you fallen off the mountain? What's happened there? Yeah, baby, took a ski off the Alps, doosh, onto the other side. Honestly, he best be injured. No phone service, clearly, wherever he is, in Switzerland or whatever. Well, he's been skiing for a month, so that's interesting. Rude. Yeah. Okay, so let's open the group chat up, galleys. Here we go. Voice note number one. Oh, they're

all called Josh this week, by the way. We decided to give them a a name uh girl or boy doesn't matter he she they them doesn't matter you're called josh hi my name's isabel i was just watching your live stream so i thought i'd send you a message so basically my crazy story is i went to a boy's house last weekend for the first time i'd never met him before we had mutual friends but never met him one-on-one I went to his house and um he kept tickling me like we were in his room and I could feel myself needing to wee that's how much I was laughing and like uncontrollably and I kept asking him to stop but obviously obviously he didn't. She shot herself. And it got to the point where I jacked out like pissed everywhere. He like squirted out of me.

All over his bedsheet. It was on his wall. It was on him. My face, I just, like my face dropped. My heart sank. And literally as soon as that had just happened, we hear a knock on the door. His mum comes in to the bedroom asking if we want any food

or anything like that. Sees all the piss everywhere offers to change the bedsheets I asked to help her because I'm just so I just didn't know what to do I thought I can't just sit here and let this watch this woman change my bedsheets so I um offered to help her and literally was cleaning up my own piss in this boy's house and yeah I'm not not spoken to him again he's completely ignored me he's ghosted me which fair enough but i you know i did tell him to stop so any snacks a condom i love the man walking in oh my god why are people so funny that's about josh

that is wild as if as if i mean i've been known to have a Isabel Josh, that is wild. Isabel Josh. As if, as if. I mean, I've been known to have a weak pelvic floor, but that is wild. Sorry, I'd like to just check on, how can you piss yourself from tickling? When's the last time you've been tickled that hard? I would probably like let out a massive fart. Not a piss myself.

I thought she was going to say fart. I can't believe it was piss. And like the projectile piss. My God. How strong is your pelvic floor? She's doing Kegels every day. One, two, three. Was it in her knickers?

Like, was she in her knickers or did she have her jeans on? Well, maybe, babe. They were obviously on the way to getting a bit sexy. That's why she was projectile pissing up the wall. Oh, my God.

And his mum was home. She wasn't projectile pissing through her jeans. God, that is bad. Well, babe, listen. There's only one way to deal with this and that is honestly

delete yourself off every dating app and like hope that he never meets anyone that you know like honestly there's no coming back from that i'm so sorry i don't think it's so bad that you need to like change your name and move to another country i definitely don't think you need to be deleting all your dating apps i just think maybe don't see him again i think that's probably let you know let bygones be bygones what would you do if they pissed on me if you has oh my god sorry i have to tell you this right this is like a half story and i'm not gonna name my friend because she really gets cross with me because i always

mistell this but i must say that a maiden chelsea star once not a famous one once i think he's quite famous babe he is he's what you'd know him if you watch maiden in Chelsea. Poor you. What do you mean? As in, like, he's not the most memorable one. No, like, he's not a Jamie Lange, for example, but definitely he's, um, you'd know him. You'd know him from Mick. He's not one of the B-listers that are in there now and you don't know their names. I think he's pretty.

Tom Dickel, Harry. Right. But anyway, my friend was once giving him a blowjob and he pissed instead of came in her mouth. She... Oh, dear. And I just wonder, maybe... You'd hope he drank a lot of water that day, wouldn't you?

You'd be worried if he was dehydrated. It's horrible. He should go to the doctor because there's a sphincter muscle. Muscle. Muscle. There's a sphincter muscle issue there. A sphincter?

I don't think it's anything to do with this arsehole, is it? Babe. Where's your sphincter? Babe. Sorry, fact check. Where's the sphincter martial issue there. A sphincter? I don't think it's anything to do with this arsehole, is it? Babe. Where's your sphincter? Babe. Sorry, fact check. Where's the sphincter? Babe, there's a sphincter that stops the man's piss becoming... Like, you know, there's like a sphincter that like opens the door and closes the door.

Lara, is that the truth? Yeah. Why do people know these things? You've got to understand where the sphincter is in the body. I need to know that. I don't know. How do you spell sphincter? in the body. I need to know that. My point is that he should get that check because you shouldn't be pissing in people's mouths. I actually disagree. Sometimes when I come really

hard, I piss and I think it's fine. Babe, when you come really hard, not when you're like, not when I'm just being tickled. I think, babe, it's okay. It's fine that he's not going to speak to you again. I think you never want to go back into the house. You don't want to look his mum in the eye. I would say okay is strong, honestly. I'm all for bodily functions. Like, I just believe in, like, let it out if you need to let it out. Do you know what I mean? Not if it's going to get you blocked and ghosted.

Do you know what I mean? He's maybe not the boy for you if he didn't find that funny. He's incessantly tickling you and there were consequences. I agree. What do you expect? Why was he tickling you? It's like sticking a finger up the bum if you're not expecting shit to come out when you put it out. Do you know what I mean?

Hell yeah, sister. Say it again. Say it out. I like it. I like it a lot. God's honest. God's honest. Okay, let's go to voice note number two. Isabel Josh, number two. Hello, Ali. Hello, G. How are we? Hope you're both well. I thought I'd let you in

on a little dating disaster of my own. It's happened a fair few years ago now so I feel safe enough to tell you. But a girl and I went out for a nice dinner in London, had a lovely time, all went well. Ended up back at her place. So I had to, obviously we'd had quite a few drinks, had to nip to the bathroom for a little piddle. I went to push out a fart and got a little bit more than I bargained for, if you know what I mean. So obviously stuck in her bathroom. I had to somehow discard my dirty undies. I couldn't really leave them in the bathroom by themselves. And obviously with a bit of Dutch courage or drunk with stupidity, decided to try out

what I believe is called the naked man, where I decided to take off all my clothes and once I'd had a little clean up, make my big entrance out into the living the and went down absolutely treat and she knew you know the wiser collected my collect my boxes left left them on there when nothing was said that's my dating disaster slash she loved it Lord of bodily functions going wrong on these dating disasters. Can I actually tell you one thing? Like, when you start dating,

obviously you don't always go home with them, girls. It's not always that good and you don't fancy it. But when you do, the biggest thing on my mind is where's the toilet? And am I at some point going to need to use it? No, that's fair. And am I going to have to do a number two? Like, honestly, I scan the area

when I get back to those houses and I think, where's fair. And am I going to have to do a number two? Like, honestly, I scan the area when I get back to those houses and I think, where's the toilet? Are there flatmates? Do I need to be careful here? Has he got loo roll? Sometimes I don't have loo roll, babe. Oh, that's true. Yeah. And you have to put your whole... And you're trying to be sexy but you're thinking about how you're going to wee or poo or... No, but you've got to put your whole bum in the sink

and the sinks are always so sexy. A little B-day. Yeah, and you've got... No, not even a B-day, babe. If they haven't got any loo roll, you've got to hoist yourself up onto that loo seat and just give a little quick one-two, splash of water, and you're away. Yeah, but this is the thing

about boys' houses. They all have small basins. No, I honestly think that they're picking them on purpose as, like, female repellents. What is that? Why does every single boy on the planet have, like,

and it's not... A small basin filled with blue toothpaste. Like, that is honestly the calibre of men that I'm dating. Why is everyone shitting and pissing themselves

like, you know, when they get back to someone's house? Maybe it's something to do with nerves. No offence. And dinner. If you've had a big dinner.

This is why I often don't eat on a date. Babe, when was the last time you went out for a big dinner, got home and shat yourself? Rarely, to be fair. Rarely. I'll give you that.

It's rare. It... Do you know what? That hasn't happened to me since I was 11 in Burford Garden Centre. And I'll never forget, right? I was... Well, see, I have to imagine I was quite chubby as a child. I was out with my nan having a coffee and a cake in Burford Garden Centre.

She let you have a cake? Fucking hell! I know, well, they weren't weight-watching at that time. They were letting me just live my life. I was wearing this denim skirt, which I thought was quite trendy. It was down to the ankle. It was denim, yeah. Anyway, I went to the toilet.

You shat your denim skirt? I was waiting in the queue. The old ladies in the garden centre, they take their time. I shat myself in the queue. It was so bad. And I had to come back out and say to my nan, nan, you've got to go now.

I was shitting my denim skirt. It was so bad. But that's the last time that's happened to me. So yeah, I am shocked at all these 20-something people out there just honestly westing and pooing their pants. Can I tell you a story about... One more poo story and then we're moving on. About someone that I know quite well in my life.

I will not name him. It's got to be our boyfriend. Go on. About someone that I know quite well in my life. I will not name him. It's got to be our boyfriend. Go on. Baby's going to kill you. He's going to kill you. So this is years ago. Yeah. Years ago.

With this boy I used to know. Ages ago. Yeah. He was playing golf. Sure. With his dad and his family friend, the dad and the son. And he's on the 11th hole and he thinks... Not the 11th!

So many more holes to go. And he's thinking, I need to fart, but I know it's going to be poo. No, he's thinking I need to fart. He doesn't know it's going to be poo. He doesn't know it's going to be poo. God forbid he knew and he still pushed it out. Right, so obviously he farted. Oh, this looks like a good place to take a day off. I'll risk it.

Do you know what? I'll risk it. Why not? Another eight holes to go. Seven? I don't know how many are there. So he farts, right? Obviously shit comes out.

Duh, it's the theme of this podcast. So then he's walking around with like turd in in like he's walking to the next hole with turd in his pants he hasn't said anything no and everyone's like and it's like has someone stepped on dog shit and he's like oh my god no what is that he's looking around racking his brain or is that so weird anyway he says i'm just gonna go to a bush. I need a wee. He goes to the bush. The situation's considerably worse. And he realises. Oh, you hate to hear it.

He's shat his pants and his golf clubs. So he's thinking, and the only thing he's got is a club. You can't shove a club up there. Stop the flow of turd coming out. That's not going to work. Is it still flowing? No. So anyway, he takes.

What did he eat? So he takes his boxes off. As you would, yeah. And uses it as a wipe. And just leaves them in the bush. And then about a month later, he resumes his golf, but he still has got shit on his golf trousers.

And then a month later, this email goes round. It's like, we found this shitty nigger. We found this shitty nigger on the 11th floor. Near the bunker. You can believe it. Too good. We don't know what was going on,

but we don't like the look of it. And you pay a membership for a reason. I just think it's so hard because at the beginning of a relationship, especially when you're first dating, you can't be chatting about needing poos and like weeing yourself and stuff, sadly. So the first few dates...

You've just got to hold it in though. Josh number two did really well though. He hid it from her, she didn't know, and he walks out with his meat and two veg out and he just went for it. Do you know what I mean? As he should. But I would say if you can hold it till you get home,

just fucking hold it. If you could, that would be ideal. Don't let out even a fart at someone's house. When it gets to the morning, if I've had a one night stand, I get to the morning and I think, if I trump now, I've got to get out of here. I've got to get out right now. I've got to go right now. And then you've got like cramp because you're like holding it in so much.

And I'm like, anyway, I had such a good time. Bye. Yeah, I leave and I just, I would shit myself in the street sure yeah yeah okay well that's good make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with hello fresh whip up tasty restaurant style meals in your own kitchen without the high price tag of takeout and in less time than it takes to get delivery. Babe, honestly, HelloFresh has saved me so many times. And now my in-laws think I can actually cook even though all I've done is

followed the recipe and had the ingredients delivered to my door. But babe, you are cooking. It's absolutely genius. And also, it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at because there's variety from HelloFresh. There's so much choice. Come on. You can get 10 free meals at HelloFresh.com slash free Ali G applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloF fresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com free ali g you're welcome go on laura give us a nice one hey girls i thought i'd just send you a voice note just saying

about a dating dilemma it might make you laugh might make you go gasp a little bit but here it is so on my 18th birthday well just before my 18th birthday me and my boyfriend my long-term boyfriend at the time um I thought I was madly in love with him we decided to go to Leeds festival for my birthday with his group of friends and I was absolutely over the moon I was so excited he was like I'll get the tent I'll get all the supplies like your sleeping bag and everything and you just bring your clothes and drinks and food and whatnot and then I'll pick you up and we'll drive so I was really excited and we were talking like normal the day before my birthday and I'm going to bed to go night love you because night love you wake up blocked on everything I was I was blocked on my 18th birthday there was no no sign of him on anything. Could not get hold of him. And I tried to get hold of his brothers, nothing.

And then, so I was like, well, I'm not going to waste this amazing opportunity not to go. So what do I do? Yeah, I arrived to Leeds Festival by myself. Go to Leeds Festival, buy a tent when I'm there, buy a suit when I'm there. And spend the whole weekend of my 18th birthday and my 18th birthday by myself. So that was an experience and my mum messaged one of my favorite artists who was headlining at leeds and emailed them told them the situation and i ended up getting free tickets to three of his shows because he felt so bad um so i'm really happy about that um but i was actually like what the

fuck and i ended up seeing his brother a lot in the crowd, and he was like, where's Tom? Like, I thought you were coming with Tom. Love how you named him. Name drop. Name shame. But he was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I was like, ugh.

But yeah. But apparently he had told his brothers that we'd been broken up for four months, even though we'd been together for nearly three years. Oh, babe! So that's the situation. I hope that that's lightened your day a little bit. But I have so many more stories about dating,

friendships, everything, because I'm a loner, I don't have any friends, and I've been through a lot. So let me know if you want any more. Love you guys. Keep it coming, babe. Lara, you best get back onto her. My God, Josh 3 knows what's happening. What the hell? There's a lot to unpack there. I agree. let me know if you want any more love you guys keep it coming babe Lara you best get back on to her my god

Josh 3 knows what's happening what the hell there's a lot to unpack there I agree what is that sorry my only reasoning is like

he's been recruited by fucking MI5 I'm sorry he must be a spy there's no he's a Russian spy right that's not right

there's no explanation for that sorry actually Isabel, Josh whatever your name is could you actually get back in touch and let us know like did you ever find out what happened but did I tell you That's not right. There's no explanation for that. Sorry, actually, Isabel, Josh, whatever your name is, could you actually get back in touch and let us know, like, did you ever find out what happened? But did I tell you about this guy that I knew?

No. Okay, so my ex... Okay, so this guy I knew... My ex. A friend of his. He had this girlfriend, right? They'd been together about four years. He was dating this girl, right? Yeah.

She was Irish. They'd been together about three, four He was dating this girl, right? She was Irish. They'd been together about three, four years, loved each other. He was obsessed with her. She was like, I'd love to move back to Ireland. He was like, do you know what? I'd do that for you. I'd move my job, blah, blah, blah.

She was like, okay, why don't I go over? Kind of like look around, maybe find us a flat to view, blah, blah, blah. She goes, nothing. Here's nothing from her ever again. That's it. She's gone.

No, I think they've been taken out by a sniper. People do go missing. No, but babe, that's fucked in the head. She just said, I'll buy your tent and like,

everything. I love, no. No, the big. Josh, I love you. Isabel Josh, I love you. The fact that on your 18th birthday You alone went to Leeds

Are you mad? Woo! We would have been there with you in the crowd Isabel Josh Honestly, I just think it's like, what a lesson Fuck him You go girl, you have a good weekend Buy your one man tent and your little sleeping bag

And have a good time Oh my god babe-man tent and your little sleeping bag and have a good time. Oh, my God, babe. I'm actually really sorry, because what the fuck? That's really, really bizarre behaviour, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that, but if that's taught you anything, it's that independence is key. Do you know what I mean?

If that's taught you anything, it's that you can't trust anyone. They could just disappear. Imagine I wake up tomorrow and I'm just blocked. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, oh, well, that's that done then. Don't worry about it. Three.

Thanks for the good time. See you later. They've just said love you. I'll just be Dec on my own. No worries. People are wild and you're right until you've got them locked in and they're living in your house. Babe. And you've got 24-7 surveillance.

You can't trust anyone. No one is your partner until they're locked in. I'm so glad everyone's finally getting the fucking message poor rory's on a tight leash but i know i know why now even when you're married babe people just fucking leave i know no i'm sorry to get really deep but like do you know what get deep i just think we're not safe. No one's safe. We could shit ourselves or be ghosted at any time. And it's very worrying. I'm so perplexed by that.

And I'm so sorry that you had to go through that because that is heartbreaking. And I mean, there's nothing to say, babe. Fuck him. And like, honestly. How do you heal from that if you never hear from him again? Well, you honestly just sent him like, I know I keep coming back to this and I know that I sound like a fucking psychotic bitch,

but send him shit in the post. There is a service. No more shit. No more shit. There is a service that you can pick your farm animal and they will send the shit in the post through the letterbox. We'll put a link in the podcast notes. I'm joking.

Laura, I'm joking laura i'm joking sponsor us yeah um can we do another one i love them yeah come on they're so good okay here is my bit of a dating dilemma um this is all my own fault i'd like to start with that this is all definitely my own fault um but i was born and raised in london it's a big city um it's really brilliant and great especially if you want to meet new people and and uh sort of have connections and hookups and one night stands that you're never going to see again it's great and because of that i've gotten into the habit of doing hookups and then writing about it or like if i was having a dating experience writing about that experiences and pushing it, putting it online.

As you should, legitimately. I've moved to a small town now, two years ago, and I love it, it's amazing, apart from the fact that I've just had my first break-up in this town, and I did what I normally do, which is write about it and publish it online online not thinking that the entire town would then be reading about uh my uh me rejecting someone so um my dilemma really is how do i um i don't like i don't i genuinely don't know what to do i don't know if i need to um apologize to the person involved or like win over the town again but yeah that's one of my oral campaign upshot that is i will be going back to london for dating

yeah oh well babe don't worry about it sorry can i just say i grew up in a very small village and you honestly can't go to tesco without everyone knowing like that is god you see i shouldn't have any mascara on today oh my god yeah you you can't leave the house you know my mom is a curtain twitcher honestly like she'll know if someone's you know being like they haven't woken up like on time she'll be like megan's were drawn quite late today do you think bloody hell mom give them a rest it's wild you can't hide anything in those small towns babe and i think you just got to own it yeah like also welcome to the group because here we are sharing everything about every minute type detail of our own personal lives with anyone that will fucking listen i hope she changed his name they probably

can deduce so that's the problem because there's probably only one person that works in x who went out with a girl at that age and they just know yeah yeah do you know what i mean oh well babe don't worry about it. Don't worry about winning the town over. You could maybe put up some posters around saying, please forgive me. You could do another post. I can't believe they already imagined them sending it to each other. Karen,

have you seen this? No, that, and like, to be honest, no, sorry, now I'm taking the view, so I'm getting really comfy here. Go on. What I'm thinking is, let them be entertained. Do you know what I mean? Give the people what they truly want. They want gossip.

Give them something to fucking talk about other than, you know, their next-door neighbour's toenails. I agree. Also, if you did want to go to London to date, you know, it's money well spent.

You could stay the night at, you know, said date's house. No paying for a hotel. Go home the next day and you can still write freely because no one in the town is going to know

that person in London. Or, what I would like if you don't if you were just doing the writing for a bit of a lull maybe just skip next week and then pick it up again in a month you know people forget these sorts of things maybe change a few details next time you know like if you dumped him because of one reason like because he because he gave you the ick, because he breathes funny, I don't know, then you could maybe change that to it was the way that he put his arm around you when you drive. Does that ever give you the ick? Put your arm around you when you drive?

You know when someone's driving and they've got one hand on the wheel and they stretch an arm over, I think, who do you think you are? What, like, behind you? Yeah. Oh, I don't, I mean, I would get out the car if they did that.

But one hand on the thigh is okay. Oh, sexy. Yeah, no, that's a totally different story. But then I do just think, could you just save that for later? We're in a high moving vehicle. Oh, I like it. Highly sped.

I think actually you could probably do what? Base three? I just think, look, let the old ladies, let the old biddies, let them talk. Who cares? This is the thing. I don't think you need to win them over.

I think they'll love it. Like, unless he's like national treasure, like won the cow rearing of the year or whatever, then maybe, I think that's the thing, isn't it?

Sheep shearing? Yeah. I don't know. I come from a small village so I can say these things, I think, without getting cancelled. I think they want to know about it and they want to talk about it.

And even if they love him, they'll be on your side soon if you keep writing, giving them the goods. What you could also do is make up some shit that's completely fake. Yeah, throw a spanner in the works. So that they don't know truth from reality. Yes, like you could say there was a traveller in the night that came to the village. Yes!

And, you know, had his way with you and then left the next day. And then you'll be like the Jilly Cooper. You'll be like the Carrie Bradshaw of your small town. Yeah, and they'll love it. They'll be flocking. And your views will be through the roof. Yeah, and when you go to Tesco, everyone will be asking you for selfies.

Yeah, it's very good. Or they'll be like, you know, watching you down the aisle like, that's her. Basically. I like it. Yeah, basically Kim K it. The only thing I might do sometimes you might disagree

and I haven't done this with our stuff maybe I'll start you might want to give them a little heads up I've written something about you it's my truth if you don't like it suck a fuck one but who do you have to give a heads up who do you owe that to nobody I suppose it's how derogatory you are you should probably give people on our Instagram a heads up just like you know it's how derogatory you are about them. I mean, babe, you should probably give people on our Instagram a heads up. Just like, you know, it's a slightly different situation. I've been going quite ham on the candid dating stories because I just think... But whatever. Like, everyone dates. It's not like you fucking written, yeah, someone got murdered in the night next door.

Like, do you know what I mean? It's just a bit of sex. It's no murder in the night. It's just a bit of sex and a finger up the bum. Fucking hell. It's actually just a dumping. It wasn't even sex. Yeah, that's, yeah.

And who cares? Oh, she's bruised his ego. Oh, whatever though. That's men for you. Grow up. Bruise an ego, would you? Who gives a fuck? Very good.

Epic ep, everyone. We're going to recap now. She's just going to get her scoreboard up to see if it's been funny. I'm getting very serious. Ali's actually had her whiteboard and her pen confiscated yeah she clicked it so much last step you probably let me just all give you some fucking asmr right now bitches my mum said to me the other day i sent her the first step and she said i'm sorry but the swearing is disgusting no babe raw's told us off

too he said your potty mouths that need to be fucking washed out with dish soap it's disgusting say fucking while saying that sentence it's so redundant i just think it's a free world you know i just think listen if bridget village jones wants to tell her dating stories and we want to swear we will okay right number one was the project are we yeah babe go to the doctor and check out your kegel muscles because that's not right i'm so sorry to tell you yeah and, and also, I would argue that that guy needs to be banned from dating apps, because you can't go around tickling people. How old are you, 12?

It's not right. Babe, that might be a sense of humour. But also, get on field then and say I like to tickle. Do you know what I mean? And say I don't mind if you accidentally piss up my walls. My mum will come in and clean the sheets.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry. That's why she's here. To save space in this house, you know? Voice note number two was the big commando because he accidentally pooed his pants. As he called it, the naked man. The naked man.

As you should. I think it's a masterclass in how to deal with follow through if you are ever in that predicament. Be smart. Be smart, be brave, be bold. Use what you have at your disposal. Be resourceful. Right. And don't worry

about shitty boxers yeah because i just think poo is on the mind on a one-night stand and you wouldn't think it would be but it is it's worrying it's biggest worry you could have the biggest baby apart from how you look in doggy i think that is the biggest worry i do worry about my chubby boobs and doggy baby doggy they can't even see them really don't worry about it in my mind i look like a cow with udders but in my mind that's what's happening and if i let my mind go there maybe you could just wear this outfit and you'd be away great yeah exactly i'll keep the top on yeah that would even do wonderful my baby baby's a little bit yeah babe don't worry about it because to be honest with you unless he's got a crane for a neck

and he's literally like this i wouldn't worry about it i think he's probably looking at your asshole and where his dick's going into i just want everyone to know my thought process is like my flaccid nipples and when i'm going to be able to go for a number two largely yeah or just hold it or just leave i think just leave yeah next time um going to be able to go for a number two, largely, on a one-night stand. Yeah, or just hold it, or just leave. I think just leave. Yeah. Next time. Going to Leeds alone because you got dumped.

Winner, star of the week. Sorry, she's my star of the week. Yeah, okay. Because I just think, baby, you go, girl. Like, that's really a different, that's like, ha-ha-lol, it's a joke from a podcast. That's not funny. No, that is horrendous.

And the fact that you thought, do you know what? Am I going to sit here on my 18th birthday and feel sad for myself? Hell no. I'm going to go and get some free tickets. And a one-man tent thought do you know what am i gonna sit here on my 18th birthday and feel sad for myself hell no i'm gonna go and get some free tickets and a one-man tent do you know what i mean also babe a shout out to your mum what a genius your mum's a legend i love your mum and i love you and i hate that ghost but please casper the ghost but please do get in touch and let us know we would like to know yeah did he get his address so we can go there no it's just so we can get the shit in the post babe you keep forgetting the line you just want some anyone to be able to do that i do because i think that that would be the best uh revenge you could have yeah and i think that would

be the best voice note ever babe i'm always thinking about the content you can't voice note it for goodness sake oh right and the final one bridget Village Jones, who has become the columnist of... Are you going to tell me off for stealing that joke from Fran? No, I'm just saying that you should give credit where credit's due. Fran made a very funny joke. I've rebranded it. Was it Lara? Yeah.

I think keep writing, honey, because they are going to love it. Love it up. Let them eat. Let them have it. Let them eat. Let the people eat. Let them eat. You've got to let them eat. They want it. They want the goods and he Let them eat. God, let them eat.

They want it. They want the goods and he'll be fine. Thanks, Gallys. We love you. Epic, epic stories. If you listened today and you thought, actually, I have got a story in the back locker that I could send to the girls,

then please do. Yeah, please. Because guys, there's no holds barred here. My God, I thought people would be shy on the details. Thankfully, they're not. Thankfully, they're not. They're very candid and we appreciate it very much. Hugely. Love you, Gallys. Follow, like, subscribe, share're not. Thankfully, they're not. They're very candid and we appreciate it very much. Hugely.

Love you, galleys. Follow, like, subscribe, share, review. Leave us five stars when you review. And what was the last one? Leave a message. Thank you.