Leave A Message with Ally & G - 25 - Want To Get Laid? Pick Your Stuff Up!

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

Here at Leave A Message we like to think of ourselves as the foremost experts in sniffing BS and saying it how it is. And guess what Gallies, this week is no different! What do you do when a date turns into a double date, and that double date becomes incredibly awkward? We have the answer. And how would you navigate BETRAYAL via Instagram? We're coming in clutch. From disappointing sex weekends to a thorough investigation of ethical non-monogamy, Brat Girl Summer is out and Sherlock Summer is in as we sort the truth from the... not truth. Plus hear about the mystery of the lost mattress... it really is that thrilling! Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

oh my god how do i go back i just noped someone that's actually quite 10 out of 10 oh dear okay guys can i just say um the way that tinder works is actually different to other dating apps so it's very easy to accidentally know and we don't want to be doing that because this guy's actually kind of okay but the girls are saying apparently they think i might be able to select by height which i actually think is essential oh wow this is crazy sorry i could be here all day if i was in the market right now i would only be by i mean like i wouldn't even bother sorry there's 13.2k people currently on this setting free tonight. Babe, what if...

Find someone who's up for something spontaneous. One of those people could be your soulmate. I think I'm up for something spontaneous. Oh, my God. Jokes. I can't wait to get back to my airbed. Guys, does anyone know about this? I mean, babe, if they don't know about it,

there's something wrong with our social media. I've been complaining, like, far too much about it, there's something wrong with our social media. I've been complaining like far too much about the fact that I'm currently sleeping on the floor. Right, so what's happened is, what's happened here is... Shall we be real with you? She's moved house and she's feeling a bit stingy and she's also... I'm not feeling stingy.

I'm feeling underpaid. Well, she's feeling like she doesn't want to spend money when she could get it for hashtag free. I'm feeling like I've got a taste of hashtag gifting and we've created a monster. So what's happened is she's waiting for her hashtag gifted Emma mattress. Thank you so much, Emma, for hashtag gifting her. Love you, hashtag Emma, for my hashtag Emma mattress.

However, somewhere, somehow, this mattress has got lost in the zeitgeist because... Well, I know exactly how. How? UPS. Well, let's how. How? UPS. Well, let's not... Allegedly UPS. Yeah, allegedly.

Allegedly, UPS has allegedly lost my alleged mattress. I don't know, if it's been human trafficked or like sucked up into the ether, I don't know. Someone's somewhere sleeping on it, I think. Someone's taking it, babe. I honestly, look, I don't want to jinx it in touch with, pray to God, like, you know... Well, I'll honestly be coming and sleeping in your bed soon.

No, I know. And I was thinking, babe, when I go away, why don't you just sleep in my flat? I think I must. Yeah. So, but the problem is, if it doesn't show up today, I actually don't know where it is. Or I'll just get on Tinder for free tonight

and I'll just find a bed to sleep in. Babe, what you could do is get on Facebook Marketplace. It's either that or the airbed. I don't want to hurt Emma like that. It's on its way. Well, it's not Emma's problem anymore, babe. It's UPS, allegedly. Oh, Emma.

Emma, Emma, Emma. What will we do with you? You should see, guys. Her bedroom is so funny as well. Because the day... It was also funny because the day that she moved in, we were like... We had...

We just, like, made it a mission to make sure that we definitely built the bed, even though the bed... The mattress... The bed is sitting there with no mattress on it. The bed is redundant. The bed's actually redundant. We might as well have built, I don't know, a bicycle from scratch. It would have been more use than the bed that she's got in her room right now.

I'm actually in the market for a bike, so if you're up for building one. Anyone want a hashtag gift for a bike? Can I get a hashtag gifted bike, actually? That would be helpful to get between our houses. I think we could share the bike. So you could cycle one way, leave it at mine. So when I need to get to yours i cycle yours so we just have one way each that's genius i think that's genius i've not thought about that before i just thought of it just then halfords could you hashtag give us gift us hashtag halfords for hashtag gifting hashtag

love you so much i actually used to be an avid bike rider in my early years how early are we talking when i was like just after my parents got divorced, my dad's like peace offering. Was a bike. Was he bought this? Did it have little tassels on the handlebars? Well, and also he painted it pink from like from scratch. Daddy. Didn't last too long, that peace offering clearly, going on the basis of the current

state of my relationship. Yeah, what are you waiting for at the moment? What gift would you like currently? Oh, I don't know. A peace offering. Like a mansion with a pool, I don't know. You've gone big. Listen, Ali, Matt goes big.

When you ask her what she wants, she's going to tell you. We were in a meeting yesterday, guys. Oh my God. So this girl, hilarious. We're talking about career. We're talking about opportunity. We're looking around.

We're thinking creative ideas. And she goes, you know, what's kind of like the top of your mountain? What do you girls really want? Ali went, I just want to be on a yacht, really. Babe, my dream is to be on a yacht yacht my dream is to be on a super yacht do you know what I mean God's honest

I want to be so rich I'm on a yacht and I'm not bothered sorry you're in the wrong game you must work in finance you need to go and be a finance bro finance bros don't get super yachts babe Simon Cowell does

that's the truth of it oh you're neither what are we going to do about that babe I'm on my way. I'm trying to tell... Simon, if you're listening, could you help a girl out here? She's a music mogul, really. She really is. She's honestly got a gut instinct. Like, you wouldn't

believe. No, people like, I don't know, um, Ellen DeGeneres, she could afford a yacht. We could be Ellen. Allegedly, she's not that nice. Allegedly. No, listen, I want her career but not her alleged you know abusive behaviour her alleged abusive behaviour or alleged bad personality

I don't want anything to do with that I'd like her money that's definitely not alleged her money yeah yeah yeah it's very material actually sorry can we get back to my Tinder it's way more interesting

sorry yeah obsessed basically so what can you filter by height I can't see anywhere to filter so basically I'm going to learn how to use Tinder and then I'll let you know

because right now I've got no idea what's going on. But I love it, is all I know. Because height is essential, actually. Alfie's fit. And he wants short-term, but long-term okay. Let me see.

Okay, Alfie. Yeah. I was kind of joking, but actually. Have you set it to a location? Or you've just set it to London? Troy! Troy from High School Musical! I think you should narrow your search,

because London could literally be like I don't know somewhere really far up like basically Surrey. Oh I can't be dating someone from Surrey. So I think you need

to refine search. Oh no I did London but I did the mileage. Oh fine. So we're fine. We're within the M25. She's in the catchment area.

Don't worry about it. We are talking about some really good dating bits today. Yeah, boy disasters, things going wrong because sadly

that's all you seem to send us because hashtag not all men are out here, hashtag behaving badly. Hashtag quite a lot of men. And women.

And women. Oh, and women. And women. Yeah, don't worry about it. Women will join in. Allegedly Ellen DeGeneres. Sorry, I hate to out you, Ellen. Cheating. No, being a nasty person. Oh, right. Sorry And women. Yeah, don't worry about it. Women will join in. Allegedly Ellen DeGeneres. Sorry, I hate to out you, Ellen. Cheating.

No. Being a nasty person. Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, I've just landed in the room. Took me a minute. But Ellen and her wife are so deeply madly in love. Well, that's good for them.

Isn't that nice? That is nice. Should we get into the voice notes? What do you want to call them? Oh, we've got to call them Emma. Emma. Emma. Emma. Come on, Emma.

You're getting a lot of free PR from us, Emma, that match is supposed to be arriving today. Hi, galleys. I'm so sorry. I'm really trying to make this concise, but I will do my best. So basically, when I first moved to London, I was being delusional,

and my only solution to get to know people was downloading Hinge. I'm very sorry but I have put the app to rest now so no more of that and basically one of my first like dating experiences I was texting with this guy that you know he looked okay and normal on the app and then we basically set up a date and we went to a pub and I was like brilliant you know like the most British experience one could ask for so I agreed um went to set date and was waiting for him to show up he showed up on time so I was you know glad about that uh but to my surprise um two people walked in and I was like oh I just wasn't aware this was a double date so basically these guys sit down I was like hello um and apparently this guy went like oh

well basically it's because I swipe on hinge and if I see girls I'm not sure about I kind of show them to my mates and if they like them more then I kind of go with them to the date. And then if they vibe, I just let them vibe and I leave. And I was like, well, you kind of fail to consider that I might not like your friend. So I graciously, well, not really, but you know, I try to be, kind of left. And the fact is that the pub was completely empty because it wasn't like your usual like 5pm like drinking hour. It was kind of early. So is that the pub was completely empty because it wasn't like your usual 5 p.m. drinking hour. It was kind of early. So everyone in the pub kind of listened to the guy explaining the situation. I was mortified.

I was the color of a lobster. And yeah, I had to walk out. And obviously, I was being stupid. So I didn't even delete the app as soon as that happened. I kind of went on for like a month or so and then I stopped being delusional so yeah I hope this is entertaining enough anyways yeah love the pod and yeah that's all oh Emma one wow we should preface this by saying hashtag not all dating apps yeah like they're not all bad and like wherever you go whether it's in

a bar whether it's in a bar, whether it's in a dating app, you're going to get a few people that don't read the room very well. Also, I do think lots of these stories are like the horror stories, but a lot of people find the actual like loves of their lives and father and mothers of their children.

Do you know Callum Marv met on a dating app? Did they? Yeah. They've been together, what, nearly like five years now? Yeah, it does work. Crazy. I do think, right,

okay, I'm just going to put myself in your shoes, hun. If I had been messaging a guy who I kind of like fancied enough to go on a date with, unless his friend was like 10 out of 10 love of my life, I'd 100% have got up and left. Because I'd have been like, wouldn't you tell me?

Also, it's a bit like I'm a piece of meat to be chopped around. Yeah, but you just get to pick and I've got no agency. I don't know if that's the either of you mingers. Bye. The only thing is if it works in your favour. You're winning. And that your original date turns up

and you think, ew. And then his friend walks in and you think, okay. 10 out of 10. Then it's fine. Then you're quits in. But it is a roll of the dice. Yeah. I don't know, is it that rare? Yeah, surely. I don't think, I don't know. Then it's fine. Then you're quids in. But it is a roll of the dice. Yeah. I don't know, is it that rare?

Yeah, surely. I don't think, I don't know. You know, sometimes. You, what, you never see a 6 out of 10 walk in and then a 10 out of 10 friend is following behind them. Do you? Yeah, if they're a good friend, they'd let their 6 out of 10 walk in first.

Maybe give them a little bit. Because otherwise, if the 10 out of 10 walks in first, then all, you know, all hope is gone. All bets are off. Yeah. I just think, I don't know, I just think that's so dodged. I think you can do that without saying beforehand. I think it's weird.

I mean, there's been many times on dating apps where I've looked at pictures, like group pictures, and I've thought, I don't fancy you, but I do fancy you, mate. It doesn't feel right to say that, does it? You need to be in the know. You've got to be in the know of, like, who's coming for you on your date. Also, for, like, a safety reason. Like, I've decided to go on a date with who's coming for you on your date. Also for a safety reason.

I've decided to go on a date with you. Don't unconsensually bring your flatmate to vet me and check if he'd rather chag me. Wild. Have you ever had that where you fancied... I'm just trying to think if it's a thing. Even if they're your boyfriend or early dating stages and then you meet their friends that you hadn't previously met and you think, shit, I'm way preferable.

I actually have never. Have you? Have you? Oh my God, Rihanna, I'm dead. Tell us the story. Did you swap? No. Why swap?

You've got to stick with what you've chosen. Stick with your man. Let the cards fall where they may. Do you know what I mean? Let the cards fall where they may. If it means I'm falling onto the friend, so be it. No, cards falling on the friend. Sorry, what is your ideal first date?

Because I was actually thinking, I don't think the pub is my first date ever. I actually really think, I mean, not that I do it, but I think a day date is quite good vibes. Oh, I don't know, babe. Because in the summer. No, it's too hot and I'm chafing. I don't want to do a day date.

No, but you could sit like and have a coffee with someone outside. Babe, it's quite a lot. Like, I just want to remind you of what it's like to meet a new person who you might potentially fancy

like in broad daylight. Like, it's not sexy. I'd do that as a second date, 100%. Yeah. But I just think there's something about a dimly lit room

that I really appreciate the first time. Yeah, like the safety blanket of the dark. Even like the fact she was saying I was red as a lobster. Like, I have that.

Like, if I get embarrassed or like, I don't know, like I'm a bit hot and flustered, I don't want to do that in broad daylight where there's like yummy mummies and dogs around me.

Like, that's just my worst nightmare. I don't know. I just think like someone in a dimly lit room sometimes can be really different from the person that you that they actually are 100 and i do get that but i do think on the first date all you're really doing is get a general like vibe check are they weird

are they not like you're not deep diving really you're just checking like do i fancy them and are they like you know normal well actually i don't know. It depends if you're dating to find the love of your life. But you can still find that out on the second date. I just think you might not give yourself the best, I might be wrong. I don't think I would give myself the best opportunity to like fancy someone if I did it in an environment where I felt like really exposed

and like it was like an interview. Yeah. And for some reason, the daylight does that to me. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Maybe a walk. Raw always said that his friends in COVID

were like, it's the best thing ever because we're not looking at each other. Yes, I like that. There's something about the table and a coffee and the lights that is making me feel quite panicky, but maybe walking.

And like, but you're not like going out, because I think this is covid was like a while ago as well yeah we were a bit younger when you're just like dating and you're going out and getting blathered all the time and it's like you can't know someone from doing that yeah well and also you can't do it twice a week or whatever right you want to do like the walking and like i mean you could have like some people used to do this and knock down like on a saturday night they would go and like get a takeaway wine yeah walk through the park that's quite nice quite nice that's really

nice yeah there's just something about like i would never do dinner ever do dinner no no no no as a first date no way do you know my favorite person esther perel says that actually it is a really good idea to integrate your friends. Early doors. Early, early doors, like first, second date. Because like, yeah, I think it puts everyone in like an environment in which you're really yourself. And also you kind of like see them from different angles, maybe. It's interesting because it's very weird

the first time you put that person that you just know as one person in the context of their friends and then all of a sudden you think, either that's disgusting. Yeah. Or I'm obsessed with you. I remember with my ex meeting his friends for the first time. His group of friends were kind of like all couples.

And the way the girls spoke about him, I was like, oh, not who I know. Yes. Interesting. Yes. What's that then? Tells you a lot. It's weird. So actually, wait, I've just Yes. Interesting. Yes. What's that then? Tells you a lot. It's weird. So actually,

wait, I've just backtracked on myself. If he'd have told you his mate was coming, maybe it's all fine. Griefy. No, no, the problem is that he didn't say. I don't think it's a problem that there were two of them. I think the problem is that... Would you come with me?

Yeah, why not? I mean, I think the man would probably run out and fucking his house. I think it'd be a bit much. I could sit they're mute. Well, we have an accidental tendency to go into performance mode. And no,

we would have to actively work against that. Yeah. And we either have performance mode or like sluggish mode. And like, we don't really have anywhere in between. Have you noticed when we're together? Yes. We're either like me and like literally doing this.

Watching TV. And just like holding our phones. Yeah. Or we're like on. Yeah. Halfway house doesn't happen. Yeah. So that might be a bit much for them either way.

Maybe what you need to do is have the first half with your friend, without your friend. And then go, oh, my friends just round the corner, they want to pop in. Yeah. I like it.

I think it's quite good. Also, it's real. It's real. Like if you want to see what I Yeah. I like it. I think it's quite good. Also, it's real. It's real. Like, if you want to see what I'm actually like as a person, here's me with my yappy best mate who is going to be in my life forever if you're going to be in it.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and like, it is like a kind of package deal with me and my close ones. Do you know what I mean? Like, you are going to have to, like, get involved. Raw said that to me,

like, really early. I can't remember. It was about my dad and I remember going through something and I was like, I'm really i didn't want to like burden with you like i don't you don't need to know this and i remember him being like if i'm gonna be in your life i kind of need to know right now like i want to be in it now because it's not gonna fucking go away do you know what i mean like it's the same with your friend it's the same with your job it's the same with anything i mean raw is still doing that to this day he's coming to hang a mirror for me in

a few weeks time and i'm over the moon about it. Package deal for Raw. Package deal. Oh, way package deal. Make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with HelloFresh.

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meals just by going to hellofresh.com slash free Ali G you're welcome before we continue with this week's episode of leave a message if you want to be part of our group chat make sure you leave us a voice note using all the details in the episode description. Now, this can be about anything. Obviously, sometimes we ask you for specific topics. But if you've got a story that you think girls need to hear this, then get voice noting. Okay, number two. hi guys I have basically got a bit of a dilemma it's still fresh it's about 20 minutes old so I'm just sat at home feeling a bit sorry for myself because everyone else has gone out that literally everyone I know has gone out and I haven't been invited um so I'm just sat in my bed doing nothing scrolling through Instagram stories and everything and two people have said happy birthday to their boyfriends I went to primary

school with one of them secondary school with the other like just followed them both because I went to school with them but the issue is these boyfriends are the same person. And I wasn't really ever friends with either of them to tell them. But like equally, this guy is blatantly cheating on the girls with each other because I've just seen it on Instagram. Like it says, happy birthday, my wonderful boyfriend on both of them. Like this is an issue and I don't know what to do about it.

Can I just say, whenever I listen to these voice notes, I get so excited to see Ali's facial expression. I know, she's so good. Because they really, really just make me laugh.

The way she like jumps out of her skin as well. She's like, ah! Sorry, I was actually on another planet and I don't know where I was. What was the end of it?

She just said she doesn't know what to do she doesn't know what to do and she's only 30 minutes deep so we've got to help her now sorry sorry sorry I just actually want to say before we get there

thank you so much Mark Zuckerberg because honestly she wouldn't have known if it wasn't for Instagram stories thank Mark Zuckerberg you've contributed

to the female community there well done I'm just going to run over a few details just so that I'm yeah sure up to date so she just happens to know

both of those girls yeah follow them both primary school with them both with both of them yeah and they've said happy birthday to the same boyfriend yeah so she's just scrolling through her instagram stories and she's seen she's not even looking she's not even looking she's not even fishing she's not even looking for it she's found a bad accident just she stumbled upon it how often does that happen you just stumble upon a cheating bastard. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Wait, what would you do? Oh my God, what would you do? That would mean, though,

that multiple people would have been in the exact same position as her. Well, only if the... How many people do you follow from your primary school? Personally, not many. None, not one. I don't follow one. I mean, I wouldn't know.

Oh, yeah, true. Yeah, you're right. But then you're right. Like, there must be crossovers somewhere, no? But I also wouldn't know oh yeah true yeah you're right but then you're right like there must be crossovers somewhere no? but I also wouldn't like unless it was

it was only because it's his birthday that she's known that they're from the same like village or place or whatever maybe they moved

someone's got to have moved how's he two-timing both of them? did they tag him? yeah yeah happy birthday to my whatever he must have really

had a panic when they were like I'm going to my whatever it was. He must have really had a panic when they were like, I'm going to put you on my story. He must have been like, well, they might have not even said. I wouldn't get Raw's sign off to post him on my story on his birthday. Can I say a really like,

I know this is going to sound OTT. I think it is a huge red flag when in this day and age, if you have an active profile on Instagram or social media, you don't post your partner or let them post you. I think it's bad vibes.

What do you mean if he has an active profile? Yeah. Or if he was like, oh yeah, don't put that up on stories. Oh yeah. Do you know what I mean?

I just think like if you're posting anything, even if it's your cat or golf. I don't know. Because lots of people as we know well very well

a lot of people are entitled to their private life. They are entitled to their private life and your alleged boyfriend isn't allegedly

posting ever. But if he was a lot and he never posted you I would be like that's weird. I would. Yeah that's true. I'd be like

why do you want your Instagram to look like you're single? Well I also always think this like you know when you your Instagram to look like you're single well I also always think this like you know when you go and you look like who loves who more yeah

and it's so bad because you do go and look at the Instagrams I had that with Adam Peaty and Holly Ramsey last night exactly he's all over her Instagram and I did scroll

it is mainly his son but she is on there okay good but she's somewhere to be seen yeah she's you would know he was in a relationship

all I'm asking for yeah god what's she gonna do she's gonna have to tell seen yeah she's you would know he was in a relationship all I'm asking for yeah god what's she gonna do she's gonna have to tell them both I think you are babe first of all you need to make sure

you've screenshotted them both so you've got proof this pod is gonna come out too late if you didn't do that babe then you must do better next time if you're still sitting on it

when this pod comes out this is what you should do I'm just thinking would I message him no and be like hi I know both girls. Tell them or I will.

No, no. Because he'll do something like snaky and weird and he'll go to them and say this psycho girl is going to message you and it's like, don't know.

I think I would message and be like, babe, this is crazy. I know I haven't spoken to you since primary school. Hey, how are you? Obviously, I still follow you on Instagram.

This is really hard to say, but... To the boy? No, to the girl. I would make a group Instagram. This is really hard to say, but... To the boy? No, to the girl. I would make a group chat. With both girls? Yeah, I would. And I would say,

girls, this is the most awful message I'm ever going to have to send and I wish I wasn't writing this. But I can't help but... I don't think I would want the other girl in the group chat. But they're none the wiser, those girls. No, I know, but it doesn't matter.

It's just I think that... So who's the prime which one do you go to you go to both you send the message like same time but I just think the fact of putting

them together like not everyone's like in comradeship with the other woman and I think you could maybe keep it separate just in case they want to be like

no that's his ex that he says is crazy. Do you know what I mean? I just think like, keep it separate, but tell them both. Imagine if they respond like, yeah, babe, we're in a certain relationship. Maybe they are in a triad.

Or a triple. Could be. Could be. Triple. Polygamy. Oh, well, you'd want to fact check that before you dive in going, he's cheating on you.

She'd be like, wake up, grandma, we're together. You need to do some idiot can you imagine you do need to do a deep dive look look at all resources available get on the market research get into the word of mouth get on instagram get on facebook get on linkedin wherever on facebook marketplace yeah wherever you need to be to find the information because actually actually, that could be true. I mean, the chances of that are pretty slim. Nowadays, not so slim.

I saw the options on Tinder earlier. Not so slim. Ethical non-monogamy is on the rise, as we know. But it depends, like, what they're... Also, they both use

the word boyfriend. Yeah, and also, sorry, what I do know about ethical non-monogamy, not that I know much, but what I do know is that you do have a primary partner and then the other people basically are fuck buddies.

You're not putting up a happy birthday for your fuck buddy. Sometimes you have a nesting partner and then you have like a boyfriend. Like you could, they're so young, so I doubt they have like their kind of like husband and boyfriend and la la la. But, their kind of, like, husband and boyfriend and la-la-la. But there's loads of different, like, variations.

You can't assume anything. But the fact that they both said boyfriend... Is a bit sus. It's a bit sus. Something's gone a bit wrong, I think. And I think you have to tell the girls. And I think, babe, you have been blessed with the knowledge.

Well, not blessed, but you're clearly one of the few people on planet earth that knows this and follow them both on insta agreed and i think it is your duty as a woman to let them know yeah i do think that i mean savage sending that text is savage and also babe listen once you've done it there's nothing else you can do oh you've done your work you've done god's work yeah yeah 100 rest now feet up babe Don't you think about it one more time.

Take a day off tomorrow. Exactly. No need to do anything else. But it is, you do have a duty to tell them. I agree. Can you imagine?

I would imagine. Sorry. Imagine one after the other. Let me just deep that for one second. It's Rory's birthday, Rory Wyatt. Yeah.

Sorry, poory pirate. And I'm waking up, I'm thinking, oh, I'll just scroll through Instagram, better text Rory aatt. And I'm waking up. I'm thinking, oh, I'll just scroll through Instagram. Better text Roar a bit later. I click, I see Ali Mack's little birthday story to Roar. Sweet, it's them in Greece.

La, la, la, la. Swarming, swarming, swarming. Someone I know from the past, a past friend, a past primary school friend, puts up a story saying, happy birthday to the love of my life, Porry Pyatt. Dead on the floor.

Imagine. Imagine, that's exactly it. Imagine. You'd be sick. You'd be actually physically sick. You know when you go back as well and you just like, you have to check that what you're seeing is real? You'd drop the mic, you'd be like.

Oh my God. Oh my God, Rory is a cheating to Tammy Scumbag. Oh my God, I must get over there right now. Oh my God. Yeah, you've got to say something, babe, back. Oh my God, I must get over there right now. Oh my God. Yeah, you've got to say something, babe. Sorry. Sorry. Okay, Emma number three.

Hi, galleys. Just wanted to leave a message. I have this friend that I've known for 10 years and we're essentially really loose term fuck buddies. Like, we'll meet up when he's back in town sort of thing. We went away for a weekend together because I've been away for a while, like a year. And we thought, oh, we'll go for a weekend together because I've been away for a while, like a year. And we thought, oh, we'll go for a weekend together

and just have essentially a sex weekend. And that was it. We got there on the Friday. I paid for everything. And he was a bit reluctant to pay me the money back because he paid for a train. I was like, right, it's not the same, but all right. So I got the money back, which is fine.

Then we got there. And I think we only had sex once on the Friday. And it's obviously meant to be a very raunchy sex weekend. Had it once for 10 minutes on Friday. I didn't even finish. I was not impressed. I then proceeded to do all the cleaning. And like I managed to start and finish a whole book over the weekend.

Like that just explains how polar opposite the weekend went to what the plan was um and then we were at this restaurant and it's one of my favorite restaurants and i was you know in my calm space because he'd really annoyed me all weekend because he's just a walking ick he's pt so he knows everything about everything and you're always wrong and i was like right okay um he seems to be the best at absolutely everything. He went on my dating apps just to see if there was anyone else in the local area that was doing better than him,

but he highly doubted it. I was like, right, okay. So I took him to this restaurant, and the conversation was so dry, I had to pull up on Google 180 questions to ask your friend at dinner. We worked our way through them. And I was asking the questions, and at no point did he say oh what about you he doesn't think he has any flaws um he

doesn't really have anything he needs to work on on himself um etc etc i'm also convinced that the whole weekend it got a bit smellier as the weekend went on so i'm convinced that he didn't bring a spare change of clothes at all or a toothbrush since then i have now had to get the morning after pill and an std kit because i'm just not convinced that he was clean like generally at all um so yeah enjoy oh babe okay i'm sorry there's a lot to unpack yeah and i don't want to like love you so much why why did you go on a sex weekend with this man because i don't know if on paper you're not really selling it well let me try and answer for her on her behalf because she's not here what i'm thinking's happening is they've been friends for a very long time. And I'm guessing they have long gaps between fucks. And I'm thinking, the last time they did said fucking,

it was good vibes. Nice fucking, good shagging. Good fucking, good shagging. He's now come back. They've planned this weekend away. They haven't shagged in the interim. She's got there. Oh dear, something's gone wrong.

The good shagging's gone walkabouts. So then it's like all downhill from their bad weekend. Yeah, okay, fine. Yes, but babe, he was a PT before. Sorry, hashtag not all PTs but the fact that she said,

so he's always right about everything and knows everything and I'm always wrong. I'm such a PT trait. That didn't just come up this weekend. That was before as well. True. But you can't call all PTs walking eggs

lots of love to you not you can you? guys I'm a level 2 PT I just said lots of love to you not you but hashtag not all PTs especially not you

pretty much they're all eggs do you not think there's certain job roles that you hear 100% 100% yeah like I'm not don't get me wrong

I'm not gonna rush to like I would say every PT on planet earth pick a PT no my first ever PT was a really good guy a really nice guy

and he had a lovely no he had a lovely girlfriend they're getting engaged I'm very happy for them both who didn't shag him if you'd shagged him you might have thought he was an ick

no no but he wouldn't have shagged you because he wouldn't shag his clients he just is a really good guy genuinely I know I'm saying if you were shagging him you you might have thought he was an ick. I don't

know. I just think personality traits. I don't want to generalise because I do know some PTs. Well, actually, I don't. I know you. Really good. I was hanging out with Jo Wicks on the weekend. Don't worry about her. By the way, Rana, is she from Birmingham? I was going to say that. Shout out to the West Midland. Yeah. West Midland crew.

I'm the first one. I'm a West Midlands girlie. Yeah, baby. Gorgeous accent. Sorry. There's so much to go through. Right, so she's accidentally booked a sex weekend.

It's sexless. That's really sad because you know when you're in the mood and you're thinking, yeah, it's going to be start to finish. It's going to be,

I'm not going to wear clothes. It's going to be epic. And then 10 minutes and you don't even come. I mean, babe, sorry, even I, and I'm the most sexless person on the planet. I could go, I do regularly,

not regularly, I do go. I would have sex for longer than 10 minutes. Considerably longer than 10 minutes. Considerably? Considerably. Well, the led face mask does take 15 so that's the bearman that's the timer as soon as that switch goes off i'm out there washing my hands i'm done come on no come don't care we're finished now also that's why i don't like it's too long why why did why must it be so drawn out

i'll never know i disagree on a sex weekend it should it be so drawn out? I'll never know. I disagree. On a sex weekend, it should be the most drawn out. It should never start or finish. That's what I think. If you're going to have a sex weekend, it should just ebb and flow, in and out.

No start, no finish, no interval. Time for a little wee and time to eat. That's it. Well, not even like sex, just like intimacy. Intimacy, exactly. And like being naked and like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

We've stumbled at the first hurdle here. You can only really have that with someone that you're really into. Yeah, and someone who smells nice. Genuinely, that is actually important because you can't... I actually really like the smell of body odour. Like, it actually turns me on a bit.

But not like when... Not to that level. Not when it gets like... Rihanna's looking at me like I'm on crack. No, babe, that's not even... Not when it's like... You should spend a fucking month with her, babe. Sorry, I would get an Ali Max pit right now

and just sniff it because I just love that smell. She's so good. I'm not going to smell mine. Let me get in there. I will. She once said she would let a stranger spit in her mouth. I would.

I said it on this podcast and I would say it again. And I said to her, well, that's a conversation for another day. Sorry, if that doesn't win the podcast awards, I don't know what will. Me saying that strangers can spit in my mouth. Do you mean that's a conversation for another day. Sorry, if that doesn't win the podcast awards, I don't know what will. Me saying that a stranger's going to spit in my mouth. Do you mean like during a certain act?

Sure. I wouldn't, like not on the tube. No, not on the street, no. No, like on the tube, I'd probably say, no, thank you, sir. Keep it to yourself. One time we had this disagreement, this like argument,

not really argument, but... Disagreement. She always puts her hand on the fucking rail and it really drives me nuts because it's so unhygienic. I can fall over. Hands down. I'd rather fall over flat on my face and because it's so unhygienic. I can fall over. Hands down. I'd rather fall over

flat on my face and have someone's chlamydia on my hand. What is your obsession with STIs? Get over it! Okay, someone's COVID. I'm going to get you

a human-sized condom and I'm going to let you roll out there in it. Someone's influenza. I would rather not. She was like, I always said that I would let someone spit in my mouth i said you wouldn't let six million people in london spit in your mouth would you and that's

what it's like holding the handrail i don't like hold the handrail and then suck my hand i'm not like oh let's get a bit of handrail and then let's get a bit of mouth action i'm not like licking the rail sorry i just want to say another thing. I really dislike when you default into stereotypical gender roles. It's so boring that you have to do all the cleaning. Yeah, oh yeah. Not sexy. If I could do a masterclass for modern men,

the first thing I would say is, pick your shit up and do a bit of cleaning. That'll get you laid. Yeah. Want a blowjob? I don't know, Hoover. I don't know what to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'll do it. That will do it. Crazy. Sorry, the 180 questions that is too funny. good what's your favorite yeah um do you want to be buried or cremated and he never says what about you imagine you'd be waiting you'd be doesn't care oh my god i was speaking to my friend at the weekend i I can't name them. But they were saying... Can you give them a code name? No, not even.

Okay. They were saying that one of their siblings got a partner and the partner was like so like uninterested, unbothered by getting to know the family, like just was really like leery. So apparently my friend's dad created this game that no one knew about where he was like, I'm just going to ask her

a question and I won't say, I won't ask her a question and I'll see if she asks me one. He lasted six months. Six months she did not ask him a question. I agree. Imagine. I actually think it's rude. It's crazy. But the amount of dates,

yeah, you will go on dates where you're like, oh wow, I only know about you. Just dates. I think a lot of people in general, another reason why I don't really like people. They take up their own... Yeah.

And I'm like, listen, I'm not... Listen, I talk about myself a lot. Do you know what I mean? Unsurprisingly, I'm not gagging to talk about myself. I do it every fucking day in my life.

But I think it actually is rude more than anything to not even be like, how is it going? Yeah. How is the job? Like, how is whatever it is? Yeah.

Babe, he's now become the worst fuck buddy ever. Like, I'm so sorry that you had to get the morning after pill that you've got to do all this finger pricking. It's so boring. And like, good riddance to him. Also, babe, you, sorry, he can't drive. And really, that should be the first requirement of any fuck buddy, boyfriend, I don't know. Agreed. Like, they should he can't drive and really that should be the first requirement of any fuck buddy, boyfriend,

I don't know. Agreed, like they should be able to drive you to get like a sweet treat post shag. Passenger princess, do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's the passenger princess. Disgusting. Sorry, I just slagged off gender stereotyping and then I gender stereotyped. Whoops. We're missing one key thing. What? Do not be having sex casually for ten years with anybody.

Yeah. Yes, say it again, sister sister that's a decade doing that yeah oh that is wild actually all right although no i've done it for a few years and i know it's not but is it not just handy no but it's not really because like what why are you doing it with yeah fine but like do you want them to be your boyfriend because what if you don't no but i want people to be obsessed with me. Sure. Actually, no, you're right.

And they should be because they've been with you long enough to know how amazing you are. Yeah. Okay, granted. Take that energy with you, babe, and don't let anyone fuck you about for 10 years. Okay, debrief.

Debrief! Okay, Emma number one, her boyfriend's friend turns up to the pub. Sorry, not her boyfriend. Her date's friend turns up to the pub with him her boyfriend her date's friend turns up to the pub with him just in case he fancies her more

outrageous behaviour and should be banned from dating apps but also don't let that put you off dating apps because actually that's hashtag

not all dating apps yeah and especially if you're new to the UK nice way to meet people sometimes 100% yeah

so get back on there babe actually maybe you could ask yeah just checking is it just you coming will it just be you yeah yeah and then we're like what should I bring my mum my dog like what's what do you mean their babe actually. Maybe you could ask. Yeah, just checking, is it just you coming? Will it just be you? Yeah.

Yeah. And they'll be like, what, should I bring my mum, my dog? Like what's, what do you mean? Emma number two?

Instagram. Oh dear. Thank God for Insta, that's all I'll say. And you've got to tell them both, both the girls. Sorry, it's got to be done.

And it just, maybe, maybe do preempt it. A, with some investigation, as Ali Mack said, but maybe also like, light touch it a tiny bit. You could even say investigation, as Ali Mack said, but maybe also like light touch it a tiny bit. You could even say like,

just in case you didn't know. No. I do think you need to say that. I think you need to, you research first and then go in strong. Yeah, if they're definitely not a cropple,

thrupple, then you're good. Yeah. And Emma number three, oh, by the way, I wanted to say, she's my star of the week because she's hilarious.

Emma number three, yeah, I'm obsessed with her. But also, very on brand. Could everyone start doing that? I just wanted to leave she's my star of the week because she's hilarious Emma number three yeah I'm obsessed with her but also very on brand could everyone start doing that I just wanted to leave you a message oh yeah that was a really really good plug for us babe

galleys take note okay could you do that at the top of every voice note I just wanted to leave you a message yeah because then actually

maybe the SEO will like you know bump it up a bit maybe something will start to happen maybe you never know we can only hope and pray

maybe we'll all start to get paid. I don't know. Joking. Joking. Joking. I love my job. Question of the week. Play the jingle now.

Okay. If a first date was bad, would you leave early? Did you say you'd have voted on this one? I voted yes. Okay. No way. I'd just send a text the next day, like saying, no thanks, don't want to see you again.

100%, I'd make an excuse and get out. You'd make an excuse and you'd get out of there? 100%. Would you? Babe, you could be diagnosed with lung cancer tomorrow. You'd have wasted your life at that boring date. Good point. God, this book's done wonders for you, hasn't it?

I really have been having a new fresh to take on recently with Thingy as well. Life is for the taking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're sat there bored. Tomorrow's not granted. Do you know what I mean? I'm all with you, sister, on paper. And then I get there and I'm

listening to him tell me about his job and his dog and his mum and his nan and I just, I don't leave. I don't leave. It's so boring. It's so dull. It's the dullest thing. Well nan. And I just, I don't leave. I don't leave. But it's so boring. It's so dull. It's the dullest thing. Well, actually, I just stay and shag them. It's really bad. Maybe that's the barometer that we need to set.

If you're bored, don't shag them. Okay. Yeah. Because, like, do you know what? Sometimes when I'm bored, I'm more likely to. And I don't know what that is. Because you've got nothing else to do. And I have.

I've got a very fulfilling life. I don't know why I lose my independence when I'm on to do and I have I've got a very fulfilling life I don't know why I lose my independence when I'm on a date suddenly you're like overcompensating yeah I'm like oh it's been bad

but I might come yeah okay yeah yeah yeah yeah you never do so don't worry about it yeah not never

well also like I don't know I think maybe I wouldn't do a total French exit and just like oh it's not a toilet and leave surely

I would say... Surely it's like, oh, my friend's ringing. She's locked out of her flat. I must go. Locked out of her flat. That's the easiest one. It's so good. Locked out of her flat.

She's unsafe. Clap her. Yeah, basically. I would do that because I just think there is nothing worse. Like, this counts for not just dates. Like, any situation when you're sat there and you think, I would rather be anywhere else. Well, and you're kind of thinking

about anything else other than what anyone's saying. And like looking at the clock, there is nothing worse. No, babe, in my most highest elevated self, I'm also leaving. Don't get me wrong.

No, no, I know. I'm just often not in my most highest elevated self. In my lowest elevated self, I'm a snappy cow. And in your lowest elevated self, you're shagging the boring man. It's okay.

I'm a people-pleasing shagger. It's what I am. So I'll address that when I finally go to therapy and you can address it in your therapy tomorrow that you're a yapper. I'm your snappy, snappy.

Babe, I wanted to say to you, sorry, Rihanna, I'll wrap up really soon. Agir. Sorry? Is the French word for aggression and it actually means to act.

It's like you're, I'm going to do it. I'm going to act on it. So don't be afraid of your aggression because it's just acting. Agir. Agir.

Agir you should. Agir your way through life, gorgeous galleys. Love you all so much. Thank you for your voice notes. Thank you for listening. Keep those fuckboys coming. Keep those voice notes coming.

Yeah, and please say, I just wanted to leave your message at the start now. That's the standard we're going to set, okay? So you best keep up. Love you. Bye.