Leave A Message with Ally & G - 40 - Ghost Periods, Phantom Pregnancies and Missed Proposals

Episode Date: December 4, 2024

We all thought that spooky season was over - but little did we know, it had only just begun! In this week's episode of Leave A Message, a discussion on phantom periods and transitions into a story about a bunny experiencing a phantom pregnancy. For a brief moment, we become Countryfile because who knew we'd talk about foxes on this show! Ally & G tackle how to navigate financial dynamics in relationships, the reality of ghosting and - overall - the importance of clear communication in relationships. Plus... have you felt enchantment by military barracks before? If army men are your thing, then this episode is definitely for you! Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You're having a ghost period. I have had this before. Phantom period. Phantom period, that's what they call it. Or a phantom pregnancy, don't know, could be either. My bunny rabbit had a phantom pregnancy. It was crazy. Oh, it's so sad.

So sad, she thought she was pregnant. She gave birth to these bunnies that weren't there. What was it? Nothing? No, no, nothing, just in her imagination. But she acted like she had babies. So like, she got like all the symptoms of being pregnant, having babies. She was really defensive of this one corner in her hutch because she thought her babies were there. And it wasn't real. Oh no. The bunny was having a psychotic episode.

She had a bit of a psychotic episode and it was so sad she was called Lily and she was such a badass bunny. I had a bunny too. How old are you? When I had a bunny? Yeah. I don't know. I actually don't know. I was like, young, very young. Mine got eaten by the foxes.

Ugh! And my mum! Those darn foxes are so confident! How did yours die of natural causes? We had to put her down, she had cancer. Oh, well that's my... She had a really sad life actually, my bunny. I was going to say.

No, but that was before, she had the phantom pregnancy before she got the lump. Yes, but I would assume that she had the phantom pregnancy before she got the lump. I would assume that she had the phantom pregnancy before she got put down. No, no, before cancer. Oh, fine. Yeah, obviously before she was alive. No, my mum, we used to, my rabbit was called Peter, obviously, Peter Rabbit.

Peter Rabbit, got it. And my mum used to walk it around the garden on a leash. Yeah, we had a leash for Lily because she was wild. She would just like go missing and you'd find her up the drive like miles away. Exactly. And there were some days that my mum would let Peter off the leash and then one day she must have let him off the leash and forgotten about him and then she found him. No, mauled.

And she told us that Peter Rabbit had gone away to live with the fairies in the woods and I really did believe her obviously because I was so young and actually then I found out that he just got mauled to death by foxes. That's so sad. Savage. Mother nature. Goodness. You don't realize how easy we've got it in here. Foxes are disgusting. Sorry, strong opinion on the foxes, but they're fucking awful. No, no, I agree. I like them. They're so like sexy and confident. Are you joking? I need a bath. I agree. They are so rabid. But also, can I say there is a difference between like a fox in like the Cotswolds and

a fox in London? 100%. Very different foxes. Croydon to be specific. Croydon foxes are a whole different breed. They're like street smart foxes too. They're so clever. And they're so brave.

They're really brave. What happened during the day? What happened to being nocturnal? I know. I agree. I agree. And they're so brave. They're really brave. What happened during the day? What happened to being knocked out? I know, I agree. No, no, no. I know. They're not knocked out at all anymore. I know. They're about, they're out and about these foxes. They are actually the kings of London.

24 hour fox activity. London foxes run this city. 100%. Back to your period? Oh, I'm basically just having all the symptoms of a period, but I'm not having a period. So sorry, what contraception message are you on? Right, I was on the pill for like 14 years. How old are you?

I was 14 when I went on it. No, I was 13 when I went on it. I was on it for maybe 12 to 13 years. Yeah, that's crazy. I've had my coil now two years. I've got the Kylinia. It's a smaller hormonal coil. She's not a copper coil. No, because I heard a lot of horrors. Copper coil ruined my life.

So the reason I went on the pill was because I had heavy periods and the copper coil apparently like makes them heavier. It's actually savage. Basically I've got all the symptoms of a pain, like I've got I'm bloated. But you don't have a monthly period? I normally do it's not monthly it's like every five like it's every 40 days. But I haven't had one now touching monthly, it's every 40 days. But I haven't had one now touching 80 days, which is bad, bad vibes. That's getting a bit of a squeaky bum if you ask me.

Bad vibes. You might want to do something about having a check. Check that everything's okay down there. I need to also, are we going to have a podcast? Yeah, wouldn't that be nice? No! It could just be rocking here. Oh baby, it could just be here like this.

Do you know when I got left alone with Roar the other day at the fireworks, I really nearly asked him about the proposal, but I just didn't. You should have asked him. No, because I thought we don't spend much time alone. I need to ease him in. Yeah, and he'll get me dealing headlights. I need to be left alone with him more often. Because I thought he'd panic and it was very loud because we're about to see fireworks and it was a lot going on. But I did think this might be my moment. I'm alone, should I say? You'll get many more alone moments.

Have you got the ring then? He's being really weird. He's being really... He said to me about Christmas. It might be my moment, I'm alone, should I say. You'll get many more alone moments. Have you got the ring then? Don't worry. He's being really weird. He's being really... He said to me about Christmas... I'm not on his face. She's like, what? Because he was like, what do you think about Christmas proposals?

And I was like, tacky. Babe, you must be careful what you say. Why? I think it's tacky if I got proposed to you on Christmas Day. No, no, no. I'm not saying be careful what you say as in, like, you know, the podcast or your management. I'm talking about to him. No, no. Because if he's planned something and you're slag is in like, you know, the podcast or your management. I'm talking about to him.

No, no. Because if he's planned something and you're slagging something off, you've just got to be a bit careful. Oh, I hope he doesn't do a Christmas. If he does that, he doesn't know. He shouldn't be proposing because he doesn't know me well enough after age. He won't propose on Christmas Day, but if you did go away for your birthday, for example, or in the New Year, if you go on holiday somewhere very special,

I'm just saying you might want to be careful around what you... Because he might have planned things already. Then he was laughing because he was like, you're such a control freak, you have to plan everything. Yeah, you've got to let it go. Also, I think you've got to accept there's this funny thing about proposals because we watch them so often. We don't do them, do you know what I mean?

Like, just watching them. I think you think you know what you want. But the moment is what matters and like that moment for you, if that's how Raw plans it and that's what he wants to do, you will never look back and be like how tacky that he did it. Do you know what I mean? Like you just won't. Yeah. I hope. I will if it's on Christmas Day.

He won't do it on Christmas Day. He's not with you on Christmas Day. On my birthday. I think that's because also I was saying to him, it's such a cop out, because then you'll be like, oh, happy birthday. I'm like, no, no, they're two separate occasions, my friend. Yeah, I do know what you mean. Don't be doing that. But I just think, like, if I was a guy and that was my big thing that I got to do,

I'd really want to do it like how I thought you'd want it. Yeah. I did my little work. Yeah, exactly, thank you. And I think they should. And then there'll be things that you think are different to what you want that maybe you could say, oh, he doesn't know me. But I actually think maybe he knows you better than you know yourself. Yeah. And also, yeah, I agree. And he knows what you need, not what you want. Can I come to the wedding? Oh my God, orbs. But I'm having like a big...

You've got to meet Roar. Yeah. I wonder if he'll like me. He will. Oh, he'll like, he likes everyone. Raw. It's a low bar, babe. You and me, we're good. It's actually not about you. So... But why would?

Rohana, we might do a Jamie and Sophie and, you know, like, do the whole thing as a podcast. So maybe you'll be there with the headphones on. Or maybe we'll do Lamb on the Road. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. It'll be like guest voice notes, but they'll be like throughout the podcast. On my wedding day, I think we should do that.

People should leave voice notes and we should use them for the pod. Yeah. Anyway, I'm having a phantom period and I have, I'm not, and I... We're either having a phantom period. Anyway, I'm either getting pregnant or proposed to and I don't know which one it's going to be. Yes. All the P's. All the P's.

Um, intro. Welcome to Leave a Message. This is the podcast for the galleys by the galleys. We live and die by your voice notes, so please keep this coming. I'm laughing because last time you said you were going to do something different. Okay, let me try something different. What would I say? Guys, I've got my script and it works. If it's not going, don't fix it.

Listen, basically, we started this podcast because we wanted to hear from you because we can't keep running out of things to say because we spend every single day of our lives together. The truth. So that's what this is for really. We're the group chat admins and thanks for joining. Thanks for being here. Love you so much.

That's all I got for you really. Really good. This week, we could call the the boys the galleys. Oh, what's the name of your coil? Kailena. Kailena. Really good. Good name.

Hey galleys. So earlier this April, I had a competition in Portugal. And at this time I I was like slightly... I wasn't fully confused with my sexuality, but I knew I was... I knew I liked guys, but I wasn't sure if I was full way or half way. So at this time, I was telling everybody that I was bisexual. And yeah, but in reality, I was like, kind of need to experiment. Anyway, at the end of the competitions, there are these like banquets, essentially, where everybody who's competing in the

competition goes to them and you all talk. Anyway, there was this girl from Finland called, so we'll call her Isla. Isla and I had been like messaging and talking, yada, yada, yada. Anyway, essentially we get to the banquet for the two hours. We were talking. Anyway, we kissed cast felt fuck all shock horror no duh after this night there was this guy right he was more he was more of the like stereotypical like popular boy you know that boy that's

always at school that was basically him anyway he'd he wanted to get with her and so because I I don't know what was going on his mind he texts her being like by the way he's gay just so you know what was going on in his mind, he texts her being like, by the way, he's gay, just so you know, he was using you. Which like, kind of true, but come on. Basically, she texts me being like, hey, just wondering, are you gay? It's fine if you are. Obviously, I was like, no, what do you mean? But the crazy thing was, was that she then asked, I met this girl after two hours, by the way, she asked to be in a long distance relationship and I was like, sorry, I've spoken to you after two hours, I don't think that's going to work. Am I a bad person for experimenting?

So sorry, the crux of the problem is that this girl was pulling on his heartstrings. The crux of the problem is he did not know he's sexual. Bearing. Yes and he was actually being provided via the universe a flavour of each because he was saying before he went to this competition, what was the competition for? I was going to say, I think it was dance. Fine, good place to put a leg in both camps really. Agreed, yeah perfect, either dressing room, go either way. And he was saying before he went, you know, I was feeling a bit confused. So the fact that he got two people of both varieties to try was a real blessing from the universe there. But then

what happened in the end? She was putting on his heartstrings. He's gay so he was like, I actually don't like you. I'm actually gay and I don't want to be in a long distance relationship with you because I'm known you for I don't want to be in a long distance relationship with you. Because I've known you for five seconds. Number one, even if I was straight or bi and number two, I've just realized I'm gay. So thanks for that. So thanks, hun. Can you find out about experimentation?

I wonder. I wonder. I think some people know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you can. Like my godbrother always said from age five, he just knew. Yeah. No, no, no. I knew I was straight before I started chagging boys.

I think I knew I was straight because I can both hold on straight. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like if you... Good point. Good point. I think it's the posters you have on your wall. That's what I think does it. And I won't lie. This is why I'm still a bit like,

you know, on the fence about whether my gay awakening's coming. Because mine was busted. Yeah. But then Kesha and Rihanna. No, but was that because you fancied them or because you just loved it? Not sure, not sure. Because I had Girls Aloud on my wall. Okay.

And that's why you're upset that nobody who does so. Thank you. Did you have any boys on your wall? Oh yeah, I had them all. I had one, not One Direction, I had Busted. I had, what's his name? He did all of those films. Oh, Aaron.

No. Aaron Taylor Johnson. Ashton Kutcher. Oh. He did all of those films, like the really sexy one where he like... Ashton Kutcher, wait, is he the one with Mila Kunis? He's married to Mila Kunis, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay.

And the guy from... I just want to look at him. Jesse McCartney, is that his name? Yes. Sexy. Yeah, very good. That's a very good young girl crush. Zac Efron I had on my wall, like all of that. Oh yeah, I didn't.

Did you not like High School Musical? Yeah, but I was more of like an Ashley Tisdale fan than anything else. So was I. Yeah. Yeah, so much. Like attention seeking, like desperate to be loved. I was just like, oh god, it's me. But also like...

Fabulous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Then you're fabulous, that is my simple request. I was just thinking about it and like actually maybe it's the curious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I can't speak from experience. If you're trying before you're buying with people who firmly are not bi-curious. It's hard. Well, this is the thing I was thinking. Yeah. What's your duty of care there? Do you know what I mean? Because when I was watching I Kissed a Girl, a lot of the girls would say that they were very hurt by straight girls who were just kind of like, oh, like me.

I'm like, not for a lol, but like for like, oh, maybe I'm curious, maybe I'm not, but I probably am straight. Do you know what I mean? It's like, you're actually using people. And I can walk away relatively unscathed emotionally from this, whereas like, you can't. And I think probably, we talk about this all the time with dating, like, there is a duty of care.

If we're going to go about it in a kind of like, nice ethical way and we want everyone to come out without more baggage than they need, you might need to preemptively say to someone before you snog them, kiss them, make them think they could be in a long distance relationship with you, just FYI, I'm a bit unsure about my sexuality currently. You might be a bit of a training ground for me. Well, most people are afraid to say it because they're afraid that that will... Be a turn off.

Yeah. A turn off for like multiple reasons, because no one wants to feel like a pit stop on the road. I was going to say, yeah, like a... To success. Correct. Doesn't always feel nice to be a bit of a like, you know, you're training wheels. The weird thing is though, that is the premise of dating. It's so true.

Everyone's a pit stop until you find the one that you'd like to sit in the car with. If you find the one. If. When, or on, or when, don't worry. No, no, I was going to say, I maintain positivity. You're so young. You're so young. You must not get so pessimistic.

You've got years. I've been single since I was 18. I'm 25. You'd actually, that's the perfect amount of time to be single. And also, can I tell you why? Why do you think you're single? Because you pick toxic boys. I'm sorry. You actually, that's the perfect amount of time to be single. And also, can I tell you why? Why do you think you're single? Because you pick toxic boys. I'm sorry to say it.

If you just went for one nice boy, you might be in with a chance. I pick the ones that hate me. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Ooh, sexy, say it again. Treat me like shit, you know how that turns me on? Ah! Hahaha! Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account.

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You've always wanted to be part of something bigger than yourself. You live for experience and lead by example. You want the most out of life and realize what you're looking for is already in you. What you're looking for is already in you. This is for you. The Canadian Armed Forces. A message from the Government of Canada. Before we continue with this week's episode of Leave A Message… If you want to be part of our group chat, make sure you leave us a voice note using all the details in the episode description.

Now this can be about anything. Obviously, sometimes we ask you for specific topics, but if you've got a story that you think girls need to hear this, then get voice noting. Number two. Hey, girlies. I basically encountered a army boy a few years ago and have all the wounds to go with it. Basically, I was with my ex for three years, very toxic relationship. We finally broke up. I moved back in with my father and met this army guy on Tinder, as you do.

And it became like a holiday, like a summer romance. So we were together for three, four nights out of the week. I'd go over to the barracks, stay there, like all of his army lords knew me. I'd walk around the barracks and be friends with everyone. And then we'd go for weekends away in Reading and go on nights out and stuff like that. Went to go meet his parents towards the end of summer and he ghosted me for two days.

And I was like, whoa, what the fuck? And he was like, after the two days of me calling him and being like, are you okay? He messaged me and was like, oh, I've just gotten arrested and I've been in jail last night. So that was great. I was like, what the actual fuck? Do you mean you've just gotten arrested? First I made a red flag and then I was like, oh, silly you. Don't worry. I'll see you anyway and meet your parents anyway. So I went to go meet his parents and obviously didn't bring up the arrest, but they really seemed absolutely none the wiser. I'll see you anyway, meet your parents anyway." So I went to go meet his parents and obviously didn't bring up the arrest, but they really seemed absolutely none the wiser. He was like,

yeah, I'll come down and see your family now. I was like, okay, brilliant. Came to the day that he was supposed to come and see my family, nothing. Heard no information, anything. Bear in mind, I was talking to him a lot the night before. And then the day of, like absolutely ghosted, dropped off face to the earth, dead in a ditch. I was like fucking hell. And you know the embarrassment, right? When you tell your family about this guy coming like post-breakup and you're like, oh, he's really nice. And they're all thinking you're an idiot.

This is way too soon. He's toxic as fuck. But they don't tell you. I've done all that and then he didn't show up. So I've got big fat mug written on my face. I have to turn around to my family like, don't know where he is. So yeah, that was my little encounter with an army boy. I won't be doing it again. Don't recommend. I would stay well away. Love you girls. Love the pod. Love you babe. She's a legend.

Sorry. There was a part chick, she just basically wanted to let everybody know that she did pay for their hotels and their dinners, even when she went to go visit. The whole time that they were dating basically. Right. There's a lot to unpack here. A lot to unpack because that's a little extra nugget of info too there, the payment thing. Okay, right. I do often wonder where the fuck do these people go to because it is hard to disappear. Ghosting should, again, like cheating, be illegal.

I just think, like, you have got all of the means for cowardice. Like, you can literally leave someone in the easiest, do you know how easy it is to send a text? Like it takes no balls to just say I'm actually not feeling this anymore and then block. Like if that's what you need to do, do it. But you cannot just disappear. But where, where does he, where does he go? The thing is he doesn't go anywhere. You just don't hear from them and what are you going to do? Turn up at their house? I would demand an answer. I know. I feel the same.

I would go and knock on those armies. Aarex and I'd say, listen, Sergeant Major, get out my way. I've got to go and speak to Harry, Captain Harry down there. Yeah. Because it's disgraceful. And also, it creates this cycle. And I actually don't mean just for army men, for men in general. Or women.

To think anyone feeling they can ghost. Once you do it, you feel like you can do it again? Easy. Easy peasy. It's like silent mode on Uber. I'll just stop you speaking. Mic drop. No, no, no, I'm a human being actually. And you can't just ignore me and pretend I don't exist.

When you've I've met your parents. I need to know what he was arrested for. I know. Do you know in the army, if you get arrested, I was going to say... ...Civvy arrested, and you get a sentence... What do you mean, Civvy? Like, Class A drugs? No, no, Civvies are like normal people.

Oh, right. So we're Civvies. Like, Class A. No, no, no. We're like Civvies, right? So that's what they would call normal people. Right. So if you get arrested normally, you also have to serve time in army jail.

You have to do double prison. Double, double, double trouble. So if you're arrested basically not as an officer or whatever you are. It's like if you were arrested just in... For like shoplifting. Yes. And you got charged with six months, you would also get tried in court in army court. Fuck off! And you could get a year or whatever. This is before after you start being an army person?

What do you mean? If you're not going to have to do six months in army jail, it's army people only. Okay, fine. Yeah. So even if you've done your time before? Oh yeah, no, they won't retry you for your youth offence. You're good. Your youth class act, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you were shoplifting prior to being in the military youth offense. You're good. Your youth classic, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you were shoplifting prior to being in the military, I think you're good. You just serve civvy sentence. Wow. The only thing I would like to say about this voice note, and I know that like, you know, army men get a bad rep. There is something- Sometimes fairly, I have to say. Sometimes fairly.

There is something low key enchanting about the community that comes with the barracks. Like, if you're really new to it and you don't understand it, or if you've grown up, like a lot of people have parents in the military, they've grown up around barracks, that feels comfortable to them. But if you have never and you are a civvy, there's something quite like otherworldly about like going to the barracks and like the mess and the mess dudes and the uniform. And like, I understand how people can like romanticize these boys. A hundred percent.

Do you know what I mean? So they have like barracks or they have like offsite housing where you basically all live in communities always, which there's something kind of nice about it. It's very like old school. Yes, it is. Like really like you're surrounded by family and it's because when the loved one that's in the military goes away, you still have a community. Basically is the whole point, which like, obviously lovely, 10 out of 10.

I was also going to say when you're in the military, you can't be ghosting people because we will assume you're dead. I was going to say. We will actually assume you've been injured, maimed, hurt, and that's not good. You've gone back to prison. We've gone back to prison. That's actually a totally real possibility in this situation. This has just made me really think about how, like, you can be living a reality

and someone else can be living a completely different one. Like, she thinks... Oh, it's fascinating. She's ready to say with her chest to her mom, her dad, her sister, her brother, you're going to meet this boy and I'm pretty gassed about him. I think don't worry. I know it's quick, but honestly we are so good. And in his mind, he's at the level where he can not even show up or ever text you again. That's like people who have full affairs. I know.

I think I married happily to you with our children's like people who have full affairs. I know. I think I married happily to you with our children and you're out shagging about. You think sometimes, like, I guess there's different situations, isn't there? Like sometimes it will like not come as a shock or like it'll be a shock that they've like had the audacity to actually cheat on you, but you would know like,

okay, we weren't 10 out of 10. But when you're- We weren't 10 out of 10 does not translate to cheating. I'm not saying it's like go and cheat if you're not 10 out of 10. But when you're... We were 10 out of 10 does not translate to cheating. I'm not saying it's like go and cheat if you're not 10 out of 10. I'm saying it might not be as like a wounding. Like not wounding, but you might be like, if someone asked me to say with my chest, were we in a good place? I couldn't. Whereas there's then the like reality where you...

This reality. You're skipping down the road, you're happily married and then boom, someone's cheating. That's wild. Guys, come to this again. down the road, you're happily married and then boom, someone's cheating. That's wild. Guys, come to this again. You cannot trust a single other person on planet Earth other than yourself because you don't know. And also people can peddle lies. He sat there saying, oh yeah, I'm going to come and meet your family.

He's a liar. Sorry. You're a liar. People are not brave. People are not brave and people are not willing to admit their own feelings to themselves or to you. I didn't even notice that. I sometimes think people are just lazy. Potentially. Because it's so easy to just do nothing.

To disappear. Fully disappear. Especially if you're in the army. You've got a really good cover story there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well you could come back in a year and be like, I got deployed, didn't have time. It's bullshit though. It's actually bullshit because they all have time. Everyone has time to text, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, you could come back in a year and be like, I got deployed, didn't have time. It's bullshit though. Like it's actually bullshit because they all have time. Everyone has time to text, don't worry. That's actually bullshit. So don't believe that. I'm so sorry, babe. I hope you're okay and I hope that you've healed and that, you know, your family forgave you and didn't treat you like a mug for too long because...

Yeah, you don't want mug written on your forehead for too long. Oh, that is the worst as well, especially with your family. You can't be a cute... Like you can't even speak of yourself like that because you're not a mug. Like all you did was have an open heart and believe the words he said. What's wrong with that? That's your half of the agreement there. Yeah. You can do.

It's all you can do. It's sad though, because I know in future that like, Kylie and her number two will not be so hasty to trust people. And that is sad. And that is sad, but that is sad. Vulnerability equals connection. It equals connection, but it also can open you up to these sorts of situations. But how will you know either way? That's the point.

No, you won't. You're blind. Your vision has been taken away in these situations. How do you know when to be vulnerable? Good question, Mahana. It's crazy because you can feel like you're in a safe space and in hindsight you're not, but I think you have to go on in the moment. If you feel safe, gutterily in your body to share, I think you can share.

I would say it's a shit system. A what? Like a point system. Right. So like you get, you can't, I basically wouldn't feel safe until like you've banked 10 points. Like you have to do a series of things and actions and behaviors for me to trust you to like even level one for me to

tear down my first wall. Yeah. Then you got to get to level two. You just need to hope that you're with someone patient enough to let them get to level 10. Absolutely right. Because that is a thing. No, because there could be small things.

100% but sometimes people will feel distant from you and they might not have the patience to wait. Totally. And especially if you're not articulating to them what the point system is. I agree. Because they're a bit like, I'm walking blind here, hon. I feel like I'm giving you, especially if it's like a well-intentioned person, I'm talking about a well-intentioned person. If they're like, they feel like they're giving you a lot and you're not necessarily reciprocating that and you're not giving, because you don't feel safe and you have been hurt before. I'll give you a good example. When Rourke and I first started going out, obviously we were in separate cities and so

like he would always text me before he went out, but it would really drive me mental that he wouldn't text me like even if it was 4 in the morning, he wouldn't know that. Why would he think to do that? I actually think it's common sense, but you're right, it's not. It's not. And so, and like he's pissed and he's with his mates and he's just passed out. But you could be dead in a ditch. No, but like, but you can't assume that they would...

Yeah, you got to articulate. That's one point. If you do that for a week, that's one point. That's an easy thing to do. Yes. And, but I didn't say it. And so like, we would have big arguments and I'd be like, I feel like I don't trust you. It would have have been so easy so much easier for me to just go

I need you to text me when you get home doesn't matter if I'm asleep. I will wake up and see it question So at what point in your relationship you say this is a really important to me when you go out Do you mind just stop from being text when you get back home? Like when is that? Do you have to be boyfriend and girlfriend? No, I think as soon as it starts annoying you Yeah, as soon as you notice it. As soon as you feel it in your body. Because also if someone turns around and says to you, I think that's psycho, go, okay, see ya. That's my bar.

And also like you're not my person because you're not willing to do that for me because I needed to do that for me. Because you will also only feel that with someone that you start to really care about. Like people I'm casually dating, I couldn't care less. Yeah, exactly. I could not care less.

You'll get to a stage where you're like, it feels uncomfortable. It's really getting to me. It's getting to me. It will start to get to you and you will then know when to articulate that because you need to catch it as right. But also you need to like, and I did this for years because I mean I was so much younger,

but like I let a lot of things just like... Build. Yeah, and I didn't say it and actually they were such easy fixes and I gave him a hard time for things that weren't fair because I wasn't communicating what I... It's all about communicating. And you hadn't actually given him the chance to prove to you that he found it... He could do it. He also found it easy to text after a night out and he's that kind of boy. Yeah.

Like that wasn't a big deal for him. Exactly. He just didn't know he had to do it because he hadn't had a girlfriend that had asked that of him before. But you have to take a beat to realize it and also find the balls to say it because it can actually be quite a scary thing to say. I was watching this podcast, you know, Sisters in the City, they had this guy I thought should kill I believe. They had him on the show and he was like, I want to like make sure when like when my girlfriend's out, I want to like text out, know where she is, like I want to make sure you get home safely. Do you think that's like too much?

I mean, for me personally, yeah. This is a thing like for some people know, like it's very independent person. It's really independent person. I don't think all behavior that is on the extreme end has to fall under the bracket of like possessive because it's not- I don't think that comes from a possessive place. No, I think it could come from a control place. Yeah. It might not.

And if you know your person, and also if you're the kind of girl that like really is scared to go home alone for various reasons, like as you'd be well within your right to feel, that might be a really nice comforting thing that your partner offers to you. And like I know, for example, Faye, George will never not meet her at the station in Wimbledon when she's walking home, ever. Like, if she gets home late and it's dark, he will be at that station. And like that's what she wants. And she likes that. And it's something that he can give to her and does give to her that makes her feel safe, loved, secure and fixes a problem that she has. If you've agreed together that that works for you, then I don't see a problem with it. Yeah, I think it's only a problem if it's. If you've agreed together that that works for you, then I don't see a problem with it.

Yeah, I think it's only a problem if it's like forced upon someone. Yeah, if it's like I want to, or like I'm out with my friends and I don't want to tell you where my curfew is because I'm then planning with you and I'm on my phone and I'm not present and I also don't expect you to be awake all night waiting for my beck and call text for you to come and get me. But if it works, it works. Sorry, also to circle back to Kailena. She was saying that she... Such a good name. I think that was the baby name. Listen, there are so many things. I think lasagna is a good name, but it's lasagna.

Lasagna is not a good name. No, no. Like if you remove the meaning of like the actual way that it's said is not... It's a nice name, but like it's a pasta. So you can't... I'm lasagna. Like a question. I am lasagna. Hi, I'm Lasagna. Hi, I'm Chlamydia. No!

The name is nice, like gonorrhea, such a nice word. Yeah, maybe you're right. But like, it's sexual, it's an STI. I want to be gonorrhea. There are so many words like that, that are like gonorrhea, gonorrhea! Makes me think of that. What is that word that they say? Syphilis.

Siffy! Imagine. Siffy. Syphi! Imagine. Syphi, you've gone too far. Right, circle back. Circle back too. Her paying for everything. Sorry, we skimmed over that. We really skimmed over that, but that's actually a really interesting point because...

Oh, it's difficult though. Can I just be the devil's advocate for a second? There's many, many men, many, many men. Too many men, too many men, too many men. Too many men, too many, many men. That I have dated men, too many, many men that I have dated for a period of time and within that period they have probably spent more on me than I've spent on them. I've still left, still not seen them again. And I haven't gone, do you want a PayPal link for all the meals you took me out on?

So there does have to be a tiny bit of like, I guess it depends how long they were dating for and how much she was giving, but like when you're willing in the moment to give, you can't kind of then be like, I guess it depends how long they were dating for and how much she was giving. But like, when you're willing in the moment to give, you can't kind of then be like, oh, I actually spent a lot on you and you can't ghost me. The thing is, are you happy in the moment or is it forced upon you? This is it. This is it. Because there are many occasions I can imagine when you're dating, when you feel like you don't want to, but you have to pay.

Same for boys, though. No, no, I'm talking about everyone here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, you don't want to get to the point where you're tallying in your head. And it's hard because it will be based on not only gender, but on what each party brings to the table. And if someone earns a lot more, they probably will be more willing to pay more freely and to kind of take a bit more of the weight on payments.

But I think it all just comes back to communication. Well, also, in that situation, again, I think it's an individual thing because I would feel really uncomfortable if I was a lesser earner, not to say that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable for them to pay for a holiday, but I would pay for some stuff. I wouldn't just let that person pay for everything all the time because it's an uncomfortable position to be in. Yeah, for sure. And you also don't want to feel indebted to anyone.

Exactly. And that you owe them anything based on what they've given to you. But in this situation, if you are dating someone and they're happy to cash your credit card over and over, it really is an awkward like situation. You have to have a conversation about it. And I know it's so uncomfortable. But you also know, like I know the boys that I date who want to go 50-50. I just know and I will therefore do it.

I also know the boys that actually want to pay and would rather pay. And you just you just know. And I guess it gets to a point when you're dating where you're seeing a lot of each other that you have to figure out how that looks. And whether you feel comfortable with, for example, them paying for everything or whether you feel comfortable paying 50-50 or whether you feel comfortable actually for them never offering to pay and you having to pay every time. Like it's all a conversation.

It's just very uncomfortable because we're not very good at talking about money. It's the same with friends actually. Like as you say, like... Then always everyone's got a mate that never pays them back. Or everyone's got one friend that you're like, oh I'm not paying for you. And everyone's got one friend that's going to ask them for 50p. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you've all got the mate that will be like, if we just split this in two, it's actually £2.22. I can't be doing that. I'm sorry.

I'm going to be like, if it's £4.20, I'm going to send you £5. I'm not even going to ask because I just think like it all comes out in the wash. Yeah. Oh, like especially. Yeah, it's hard. Like with us with your partner, with also with your long term partner, or your long term friends. Yeah, like, like holes and I live together, like we sometimes do like split share on Monzo and it's honestly £1.33 and we think, what's the point? What's the fucking point? Because that happens five times a week. And it's like, by the end of it, you've bought me a coffee, I've bought the washing up liquid

and there we go. Same thing. Like everyone's there eventually. But you need to be with someone. You have to both feel comfortable and you also have to trust. I always think this, I trust that you add up in your head. So I trust that you would know when I'd spent more, you'd spent more, and you would know that I would pay you back and vice versa.

Whereas you can be with some people that they like to take the piss. So then you feel like you get... Then you turn into that person that goes, you owe me £1.50, and then you don't want to be that person. I actually think in a relationship, that's actually quite a big barrier. Yeah, the way you look at money and spending. And really, this is a whole separate conversation. Yeah.

No one talks about it. When you think about your tick list, everyone's type or what they're looking for. No one ever mentions saver, spender. Yes, because that's huge disparity on the day to day. I genuinely think that is a deal breaker and I would go that far because if you're with someone who likes to count the pennies and like will keep track of how many coffees you've had a week, that's not going to work for me.

Round up. Round up. Okay, Kailena, number one. I'm glad that you realized you're gay because brilliant, like better to be clear than confused. Better to know. Yes, better to be clear than confused. Better to know, yes. Better to know than to live in the dark. And this girl sounds like she might have pushed you over the edge into that side.

And if that's what she was there for, God bless her. Oh, listen, she'll heal. If she was a pit stop, then that's fine. She'll be fine. She'll be fine. She's in Finland. She's fine. They're all happy there.

Also, it was a one-time thing. It's all like you were together. No, no, no. It's so, so fine. Also, did anything happen with the guy? Like to know. Love to raise my eyebrows, but I can't do that. Oh, no.

Okay, voice note number two. Hashtag not all army men. We know we give them a lot of hate and a lot of bad rep. It's not our fault. The voice notes come and we don't dictate what they say. I have to agree. It's not our fault. There are a lot of army men haters out there. Not just us. I have to say a lot of...

Well, they're not just haters. They just come with their own experience. Yeah, and they hate their experience. They did not have a good time. Zero on TripAdvisor is what they're saying. Yeah, would not stop again. Would not stop again. Do you have a Star of the Week?

My Star of the Week is Kylie Number 2 because... Yeah, your voice note was so janky. I laughed the whole time. And also, babe, like, you know, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but don't be me and become a bitter, hard soul and open up. Open, open, but not too much. That's it. It's like... We're... I'm a chasm and you're like...

Closed nut, like you'll never get through my walls. Yes, you're like a sealed muscle. Yes. You know, when you can't get into a muscle, and you think it's going to be bad in there. I think maybe you'd like to be a half-open clamshell. That's what you'd like to be. Like, you want to sit in the middle of the two of us,

because I'm out here, harmlessly, getting injured. Or maybe like a Venus fly trap, where like, you're open, but then the... Oh, no thanks. Yes. You know when to close. I'm just permanently closed. I just know.

And I am wide open, boys. Come on in and break my heart. Right. Have we got time for... Question of the Week! Question of the Week! Question of the Week! Question of the Week!

Question of the Week! Question of the Week! What is the main red flag you try to avoid? Ali Mac, have you got your main one off the top of your head? God. One's too few. Shall I give you a bit of inspo? Yeah. This is our fave bit of inspo? Yeah.

This is our fave. Bad relationship with his mum. Or too good. Oh, if they don't drive, don't have a driver's licence. That's not the main red flag. That can be fixed. Mummy's boy can't be fixed, but driver's licence, you can get one of those. This is relevant. Being bad at saving money. Yeah. Controlling.

I was going to say something of that ilk, yeah. Yeah, controlling behavior is bad, bad boots. Well, also, it will ruin your life. And I know that's a broad straight statement, but I really believe that. I've seen it happen. Yeah, you get under the thumb and it's not good under there. And you can't see it.

Yes. Because it's disguised in caring. And it's very easily done. That's an easy cameo. It's drip fed, drip fed, drip fed until it's like... Little, little, little. Yeah. Doesn't get along with my friends or family.

I think this is a really good one because I've been known to excuse that in the past. Paul Branson says... So does Esther Perel. That arranged marriages have one of the highest success rates because they're vetted by your family and friends firstetted by your family and friends first and often your family and friends know you and what you need and want better than what you actually need. Yes.

Oh, bad breath is one. I think that could be fixed. Don't worry about that. I think, no babe, the fixable ones, bad breath. B.O. also fixed. Oh my God. I also love boys B.O. like I'll get an armpit and just... No!

I'm sorry. Okay, I have to talk about this actually. It's a pheromone thing. There is a B.O. pandemic in London at the moment. Everywhere... No! ...like, babe, on the tube and the... I honestly was about to have a menti bee yesterday

because honestly everyone I sat next to stank of B.O. That's horrible. Anymore? Someone who is looking for a mum rather than a partner can't do anything for themselves. Yeah, dust child. The thing is, if you can be asked to train them, they will get there eventually, but it is dull and it is like paid labour. Also, it's not my job.

Yeah. Go to school. I don't know. Mummy's boys. If they are an only child or don't have a bed frame. As an only child, I take issue with that. The bed frame thing I get. Can I say what's interesting about you? And I do think this about generally only...

Sorry, J names, men called J names. J names, that's a good one. That's a good one. Is it? J names, there are a lot of fuckboys called with J names, I have to say. Like J, Josh. Jaden. Jaden! When the hell was the last time you met Jaden? Rihanna obviously knows a Jaden. So, what's your main red flag?

I think mine has got to be controlling all likes to play games, emotional games. I think belittling. Little comments that are belittling and make you smaller. It's really easy to pull someone down. It's a really easy humor. It's really easy. I don't want it in a partner. If I'm going to live every day with you, I'm too sensitive for that shit.

Yeah. And I know that some people's humor and I know that works for some people. No, but not every day. But when it's pointed and it's like, it's belittling, I don't want to be made smaller by my partner. I want to be made bigger. That's probably the opposite of a red flag, a green flag. Is if they make you big.

That's my biggest green flag. They allow you to take up space. All the space that you need, no problem. Yes. And they want to champion you in that space. And they love you in the ugly. That's why I love Silver Linings playbook so much as a film. Because I think it's all about loving the ugly parts of yourself

and therefore someone else. And I'm like really an advocate of that. I don't want to hide any bits. I was talking about this the other day because I was talking about a guy I dated and we're having a conversation about why like maybe I'm trying to really analyze at the moment. My mom always tells me off because I analyze too much, but I just like, I find it interesting because I don't want to get it wrong again. So I was talking about it and I was like, I think what the problem is, is it's not him. I think he's great and I think he, like on paper is brilliant.

I just don't think he'll ever get me. And I think it would be like... But why do you think that? Because he just doesn't... I just know. But how do you... You know when someone gets you or not. So I think, sure, I'm preempting and I could give it 10 years and try. But I like get the impression of how he responds to me

that it would be kind of like, oh, there she is doing her thing, but he would never really get it. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And I just think that might be a bad barrier to entry, maybe I should date him despite, but if you asked me why I don't have the feeling that he's like,

would be someone I really am interested to get to know or date further, that is why. Are you talking emotionally? Or just like on a level? Every joke you make drops. Okay, yeah. Or like if you do something like kooky or like silly, like it's a bit like, they just don't get it. They just don't get it. There's a good example of people who do get it, Sophie and Jamie. Yeah.

Get it. How dare she sleep in a bed with no duvet cover on it. She doesn't like the feeling. Like that's real love. Like, yeah, yeah. I just think like when you say like, get to know you or like understand you or like see you. I just think that is really nice. I think it's just like you need to roll with my punches a bit.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you everyone for listening. We love you so much. Thank you for your voice notes. Please keep them coming. The link for the voice notes is in our bio and on our Instagram. When I say bio, I mean episode notes.

Sorry, I don't know why I said bio. See you next week. Love you so much and thank you. Goodbye.