Leave A Message with Ally & G - 55 - We Are Family... Finding Out About Secret Siblings

Episode Date: March 19, 2025

The time has come! We are officially in the week of Leave A Message LIVE and we're so excited that we just, truly, cannot hide it. Whilst we try our best, here is your weekly dose of Leave A Message not-LIVE. What would you do if your boyfriend was the opposite of supportive whilst you were going through a medical emergency? When do you call it quits and call your soon-to-be ex a disappointment... or would you hang in and see if you can 'fix him'? You know what we think! Plus when one gally uncovers that they have secret siblings it raises the question of what to do next? Are you singing along with Sister Sledge or taking a more responsible route? All of this plus practical tips on surviving breakups, self-care and a divisive question of the week! Thank you to this weeks sponsor... Use the coupon LEAVEAMESAGE for an additional 8% off at emma-sleep.co.uk. Terms and conditions on the website, the code is valid on the whole website (excluding outlet products). Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good morning. Happy Wednesday. I was actually thinking last night how I've got nothing to tell you because I've been sick all week. However, luckily, something dreadful happened to me this morning. So I was on, I got up. Yeah, I was in a conditionally good mood because the sun was shining and I'm not feeling 100% but my cough is much, much better and I do think tonight maybe we'll all be allowed back in the bed. Really? Oh, would you not just have one more night of good sleep?

Friday night is so sad though because I feel like, oh, wake up and I'll be like, oh, I'm so sad. It's okay in the week because I wouldn't even know. Oh, yeah, because it's Saturday. Yeah, okay. Babe, that's every day of my life. So welcome to Singledom. No, don't get me wrong.

It has been heaven on earth. Like, if it wasn't Friday, he'd be out of there. I really, really, I do wonder how people live like 60, 70 years of life together in the same bed. It is wild. Agreed. Anyway, of life together in the same bed. It is wild. Agreed. Anyway, I woke up in an okay mood and timed my tube, saw it on City Map. I thought, great, four minutes.

That's perfect timing for me to get from my flat to the station. Listen, I love dogs. So like, I don't want to say this in any defamatory way, but if you're going to bring a dog on the tube, it has to be well behaved. This fucking dog. So she stood on the right and the dogs on the left already you're jarring me because you're running. I'm walking fast down on the left hand side.

Yeah. Then I like stopped and the like what kind of dog? Cocker spaniel. Oh, so quite big. Yeah, like a medium sized dog. Yeah. She tried to move the dog and the dog like wouldn't move, but like I'm literally on the step right above holding onto the elevate onto the thingy. Then she moves the dog and then for some reason she must have stepped on the dog and the dog

like, and I'd already put my foot there. So then the dog like yelps, runs back away and I literally fell like four or five steps down the escalator. Oh no. But also like mortified. Have you hurt your legs? No, no, because I was like really clinging on but like I really like... So you like stumbled down a few steps but you didn't hit the ground?

No, I didn't like my head didn't hit the floor like I was like on my back. Then I was like... Oh you went backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my back. Then I was like- Oh, you went backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. And did you get up in time before the scary bit at the bottom?

Yeah, great. That escalator's really fucking long. Yeah, it is long. Then I just like had to, you know, stand up and I looked back and I was like, oh! Like that. Oh no!

Obviously, because I wanted to say like, control your dog, but I can't say that because I just like, what can I do? It's a helpless dog. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and it's probably scared. You're also famous now, so... Do you see that in the Daily Mail?

Ali Matt kicks dog down escalators. That would be brilliant. But it also wouldn't be. I bet that's how it looked. But also, you know, in that moment, this is so embarrassing, you just want to like burst into tears. Yeah, of course, but better to burst into tears. Then she'd be like, I'm so sorry about my dog.

No because I don't need you to say that. Did she apologise? No she didn't really say anything she just was like ah ah like nothing she was just like panicked. Oh god all so awkward. Also because the dog was probably feeling a bit unsettled. And then yeah horrible. Anyway then I just like and also what's so jarring is I got to the tube doors and they

literally closed in front of my face and I fucking, that drives me insane. When you just missed it. And then she walked down the stairs and she walked straight past me and I, that's why I put my sunglasses on, because I literally was like this. Oh no. Like this. And then Candy Crush like this. Oh, I'm crying, holding back the tears.

Anyway, that was my morning and then I just was like, oh, so jarring. Where we find a bit of perspective, I suppose, a little something that can be our silver lining in that escapade you've had this morning. Well, listen, it's humbling always to fall. It's humbling to fall and also maybe something bad happened on that tube. Very good.

Okay, and there's joy in that, that you avoided whatever that was. Burnt Ossiri, my favourite ever. I think so. So maybe you should be grateful for the little dog and its little wobble. You don't know the Burnt Toast Theory. If you burn your toast and you're three minutes to leave your house, there's a reason that you were meant to leave your house three minutes late.

But yeah, basically like something could have happened to you or you could have crossed the road and been hit by a bus. The universe basically was protecting you by burning your toast. I don't know what it is recently, but whenever I find myself crossing the road or even walking past someone, I find my brain jumps to like the worst possible scenario that could happen. And then I almost feel the feeling I would feel if it happened to me. I don't know if that's like a mental health flag. I don't know.

Better help on speed dial. Or whether that's just like deep, deep, like, you know, visualization. Like maybe you're just having like an incredible ability to visualize and then to feel. Maybe, but like even this morning I was crossing the road and I was like, I felt, it's almost like a car was like quite far away from me, but I was like, what if it hit me? And then I felt it and I was like, and then I ran across the road. Oh my god, that is intrusive thoughts. Yeah.

That is intrusive thoughts. They're most potent. Well, that's the Vir across the road. Oh my God, that is intrusive thoughts. Yeah. That is intrusive thoughts. They're most potent. Well, that's the Virgo full moon. Maybe, maybe. Maybe. It's got to be. Well, I don't quite know what that has to do with, like, self-criticism.

Unless you're like, my life, I'm like not living up to my fullest potential so much that I should be here by God. I've never had that. I've never visualized something in that way. Oh, I have. I get it often. I have that with drowning, actually. That's my only one that I have it with. I've never had that. I've never visualized something in that way. Oh, I have. I get it often. I have that with drowning, actually.

That's my only one that I have it with. I get it all the time. Like, if I'm alone in the flat, like, I will imagine someone like standing behind me and then I'll be like, okay, one, two, three. And then they're not there and I'm like, thank God. Really? Yeah.

Or like, the tube, always being pushed in front of the tube. Like, always. That's such an intrusive thought I have. Yeah, that would be too. If I'm high up, I imagine jumping. Yeah, same. Wow, really? I don't know, like, yeah, maybe we do need help, Rana. No high up, I imagine jumping. Yeah, same. Wow, really? I don't know, like, yeah, maybe we do need help, rather.

No, no, I think that they're quite normal, intrusive thoughts, like really normal. I think it's just like if it gets to the point where they're like so obsessive that you can't like get through your day without imagining something quite dark, then maybe that's when, you know, you start to speak to someone. I only have it if it was prompted by something. So at the moment I'm watching Gangs of London now, I'm so deep in it. Well actually this is like a scientific thing that women, when they see pain, they can actually feel the pain on their body and men can't do that.

I don't think I can do that. Imagine watching, if you really tried, you would be able to. The only thing I don't think I can, but I think I do get that kind of like if I see someone, like normally only someone I love like hurting or they've got like an ouchy, it makes me shiver. Because you can't like feel like the ouch. You feel that way because you can imagine the feeling of that pain. Yeah.

You would like kind of like get it. Yeah, it makes you feel sick. Yeah. Men don't get that. Wow. That explains a lot. Yeah. It's probably because we bring humans into this world.

So there's probably something to do with that. Well, also, there's a lot of science about how like women were talking about this the other day about like the vibrations between women's energies and like brains is like actually really scientific. It is because I read this book, The Female Brain. No, I know. It's just when you say it like that, it takes all the like legitimacy away. It's just like really scientific. Why would that why does that take legitimacy away?

Because it's not like like, you know, you're not actually saying the science behind. We just have the like umbrella term. Yeah, yeah, yeah. not actually saying the science behind. We just have to like, umbrella term. Like, it's just really scientific. I do it all the time. Like, Halse was talking to me the other day about how there's no scientific proof that putting collagen on your skin works. Yeah. But there is the scientific proof that you like, if you take it, it can work.

But like, I obviously would have not read that paper and do not understand it. So I'd be like, well, there's just scientific reasons. OK, what does that mean? It's just really scientific. Anyway, welcome to Leave a Message. This is not a science podcast. No, obviously, clearly not. No. Or a podcast where we, you know. I would not say this is a self-help podcast.

No. Definitely not. Oh, I wanted to ask you yesterday about where you were telling me about Stephen Bartlett? Yes. And we didn't finish the conversation. Yeah. So he basically had this guy on. I haven't actually listened to the episode and I am low key trying to do it, but it's

very hard. I guess he's like a speech and language therapist. I don't actually know. I didn't listen to the episode. I only watched a clip of it. But he was saying about the importance of eradicating ums, ahs, likes from our language. And he said that the tip to do it is to replace an um, a like, an ah with pause. And you have to come really comfortable with the pause. And the reasoning is it like we can, it like dilutes what you're saying.

Like if you actually think about... Even saying like, even being, well like it's, that's not what you're trying to say. You're trying to say what you're trying to say. You're not trying to say it's a bit like what you're trying to say. Do you know what I mean? So then you have to really think about it in really important conversations. Like, not only if you're someone who's doing a Ted talk, but also if you're trying to fire someone or break up with someone or tell someone you love them,

you want it to be potent. Yeah. And I guess the training ground for that is every day. Yeah. Exactly. Because it doesn't matter every day. But it is because we're uncomfortable with silence. Exactly. Because it doesn't matter every day. But it is because we're uncomfortable with silence. Definitely.

This is what I was saying the other day about... Oh, what was I saying? Pause. No arm, just pause. About... We were basically talking about get used to being to the silence and just ask the question and don't fill the space. Do you remember we were talking about this?

Like... See, I've done it again. Because you were talking about Graham Norton saying that you think he's the expert in doing that. Yeah. Oh, you were saying about saying hello to your ex. And what do you say? And I was like, just say, hey, don't feel the silence because people are so uncomfortable just being like, hey, and letting them talk because it's so unnatural to just like stay silent and be like, hey, nothing.

Well, it's just if you have nothing to say, don't fill it with air, I guess. Hot air. For the sake of filling it, yeah. Yeah. God, we'll all just be sat here in silence. Wouldn't be a very good podcast, would it, if we did leave too many gaps, Stephen? But he seems to do it. Well, in that episode, they do.

And it's so interesting to listen to because the guy that is giving the advice is obviously so conscious. Yeah. And then Stephen obviously just follows suit. So then there's a lot of like... Is it a different vibe? I don't know. I haven't listened to the whole episode. Maybe I'll listen to it. What are the benefits of that?

I guess in some instances it would make people take what you're saying a bit more seriously because you're not doing like, like, like, like, um, ah, this, that, and the other. And you have conviction. Yeah. You've really like, it comes across that you've really thought about what you're trying to say rather than just like vomiting words. Also, like is fascinating. How has that come into our vocabulary?

So if I actually got electrocuted every time I said like. I'd be dead. I'd be dead. I'd be dead. 100% on the floor. It's every other word. And when I think about it, I'm almost like stunted and I can no longer finish a sentence. Because I literally use it all the time.

And all it is is a filler because you're thinking. Yeah. So you've just got to allow yourself the space to think. Welcome to Leave a Message. Sorry, we sort of got there and then went on a tangent. But basically this is a podcast for The Gallies. Why The Gallies? Guys, happy one year plus one week. I know. Well, I don't know. How many weeks are there in a year? Well, because this is a little confusing because on Spotify I did say 54 and I thought who's on the last one there, but I won't say anything.

I think we're like in a year, we're in a year and... No, because Rohana said 8th of March, wasn't it? 10th of March. No, it was like around between the 6th and the 10th. Listen, it's one year-ish, who's counting? But we're thrilled. James Gilmore's counting. Yeah, a year. I can't believe we've done a year. That's crazy.

Crazy. There's a lot of episodes and we haven't even had a break. Did you like cry or anything? I actually didn't. I might cry at the live show. Yeah, I think after the first show it will be like What?

Yep. I can imagine tears will flow. I can imagine. I'm ready. I'm going to be on my period. I'm really worried about it. Oh my god. Who was I listening to the other day? The people were saying they're now taking a pill. Was you telling me this?

No, it was Boots. Right. We were on a brand call because we might be working with Boots, but they actually do want us to do something on that. It's called a period blocker. Yeah, so you can take your pill. Girls do it mainly for their wedding.

Take a pill that stops your periods from coming, but I don't know what the fuck. Why wouldn't I just do another month of my pill? Not everyone takes a pill, right? If you're not on the pill. I'm not on the pill. But I don't know what the fuck. Why wouldn't I just carry, like do another month of my pill? If you're not on the pill, I'm not on the pill. Oh, so then you would take the period blocker. I see. I would definitely do that. If I was doing my period on my wedding day, I'd take it.

Imagine blood on your white dress, no thanks. My problem isn't even the bleeding. I can deal with the bleeding, it's the mood. Yeah. That's what worries me the most. But then that's in and around it. That's not even on the day. I can't judge that.

Like the main thing for me is the tiredness. Like the lethargy that I get on my period is just so unfun. Yes. Oh dear, what will you do next week then? Try and be in a good mood. I don't know really. Inject some tequila into your veins. I don't think tequila is going to help, no.

Okay, should we name the girlies? Let's name them. What should we name them? What about a pill name? Oh, Carina. Carina? Yeah, isn't that a pill? My pill? Yasmin.

Yas, oh fuck Yasmin. Worst pill on art. Really? No, because I had microgogan and that nearly killed me. Well, I was on Ovrinet and that almost like tipped me over the motherfucking edge. Guys, I will wave a Gederil flag all day, every day. That's the best one. Me too, I was on that for years. It's so good. And if you can be on Gederil 20, then good for you, sis. If you've got a heavy flow, you can't really do that.

Mine was Gederil 30, I think. Me too, because you're a heavy flower. Can I tell you, Gederil 30, or Gederil, is the oldest pill in the book. That's why it's the best., is the oldest pill in the book. That's why it's the best. And that's why it's the best. Oh, my mum was on it. Well, they actually tend to give it to premenopausal women because it's a lower dosage. So they don't actually recommend it for young, young girls because it's not as

effective as some other pills because it's a lower dosage. But don't worry about that. Don't worry. Girls are getting pregnant all the time by accident. Well, apart from us, but nothing to worry about. That's a lower dosage, but don't worry about that. Don't worry. Girls are getting pregnant all the time by accident. Well, puffmas, but nothing to worry about. Oh, I can't. That's a whole other podcast. That's for next week.

Okay, voice note number one. To what they called, Gedder Al. No, Yasmin. Yasmin. Hi, galleys. Here's my dilemma. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half and are in our first year of uni.

An incident happened over Christmas where I was in a lot of pain and ended up having to be rushed to hospital. I'm fine now so no worries but at the time it was really scary. I called him on the way to the hospital and he was busy with his friends which I knew and he was about a 15 minute walk from the hospital. He asked if I wanted him to be there and me being the people who I am said no it's okay. I don't know how long it's going to take so just come later I'll finish doing what you're doing which I didn't see as an issue at the time. While I was at the hospital later

he was texting me after he'd done his thing but still with his friends saying I'm going to finish watching the football and then I'll come to you which didn't annoy me but I had other things to worry about so I was like yeah it's fine. My mom then came to be with me at the hospital and I told her about why he wasn't there and she got really, really annoyed. Saying things like, you deserve better and I don't want you to be treated how I've been in the past, which I don't understand. Then he showed up. I feel like he didn't understand how much pain I was in, which I get, but there was no kiss, no hug, which did annoy me. And my mom was furious, like couldn't even look at him and had to walk away. He sat there for 20 minutes and I was like, if you want to go, you can, because we were just waiting

to be seen. And he was like, are you sure? And I said, yes, it's fine. So he left, then messaged me saying he would have stayed longer, which I'm sorry, but why didn't he say he wanted to stay longer while he was there? It just all seems like very immature classic boy behavior and not being there when if it was roles reversed I would have stayed no matter what. What do you think I should do? Should I end things or keep it going? As he does make me happy and for me this is the first proper relationship where I've had a lot of firsts with him so it feels like a big thing to let go of. But we've also had other issues where he did cheat on me by kissing a girl in a club at uni and people please her. I forgave him for it. Any advice would be great. Thank you guys. Love you.

Love you babe. I just have one question. Do we know why she was in pain? No. But she's all fine now. Yeah. But it was bad at the time and quite scary. Okay. There's a lot to unpack. I have so many things to say on this. You go first. You're fine now, but it was bad at the time and quite scary. Okay. There's a lot to unpack.

I have so many things to say on this. You go first. Okay. So I think the first thing to pick up on is the standards thing that we've been talking about a lot recently. Just that you clearly have higher standards for yourself and how you would care for loved ones and how you would behave than he does. That is something that you actually can't control or change. He's violated your

standards there. He hasn't met up with your standards, but what we can't expect of others is what we expect of ourselves. So your only choice... That's not to say it's okay. That's just to like, moving forward, set your bar. But that's exactly, and if the bar is, if his bar is too low for you, there's your answer. Basically, you can't be, the thing to be cross at isn't even necessarily his actions. They're so irritating and that's not how you would behave.

The thing to take away from it is how that made you feel disappointed, unsupported, not up to scratch. That's now your responsibility to ensure that you don't really have people like that in your life unless you want to continue to be disappointed. Well, or unless you want to communicate about it and and really really have an open conversation But also you can't people please in that instance you have to at the time that he says you want me to stay you have To say yeah, I do yeah annoyingly you actually can't be annoyed with him because You said course we want them to read between the lines This is my main course we want them to do the opposite to what we've said

But they won't so you have to be clear in what you want and need from him. The problem is though, you know, afterwards, even if you communicate that to someone, the disappointment, the seed of disappointment has already been sown because your instinct wasn't to be with me. That's sad. And that's where you're not hitting my standards. That's sad. But I will say, I look back at Ror and I in the beginning and a lot of this behaviour played out, I would say. And I genuinely think like, it's not that he doesn't want to, it's just that he, he hasn't, which is wrong, but he hasn't classed that as something that's important.

So he doesn't think like, oh, it's a big deal. Like, I don't know what to do. You're with your mum, I'll just leave. I'm not saying that's right, but of course, and of course it's disappointing. But I also think maybe if you had said differently, would he have acted differently? I don't know. Because if you had from the minute one said, I need you at the hospital right now, and he'd still behaved in that way.

Different. Different. Boys in particular cannot fucking read your mind. Like you almost have to talk to them like their children. Yes, I need you to do this. Yes, it is important to me. Yes, I feel like shit. I know my mom's here.

I still need you to be here. Like that level of, you know, like fucking emotional intelligence for dummies is required. Yeah. And if you do that and they still don't meet the standard, that's a different conversation. But I think there was so many like gaps in communication here. And also a lot of assumption probably on both sides. Like he's assumed you're okay, you've assumed he doesn't care. Like now you're just in this big fat mess.

Whereas actually if you relay that to him, his actions might change moving forward. Yeah. I think the hardest thing, especially as women or girls that are potentially a bit more emotionally mature for their years, it's really hard when what you really want is for them to want to do something and the telling them takes away your... Attraction. Yeah. It's not hard.

It's not hard and that's really hard. But I will say if this is the first time, maybe it could inform the next. Maybe next time he will actually... Don't lose hope. If the lot about him is right, we haven't even touched on the cheating with snogging in the pub. Yeah. Yeah.

Why has he done that? This is the thing, if all of his other behaviour... Aside from the cheating. Right. Really. Makes him like, forgivable. And a liar to someone that you want to be with. Then I think it's worth the mud. Also babe, I know this is going to sound so...

I don't mean it to sound patronizing, but you are so young. So you want to almost take all of the essential relationship advice and structures into account, but you don't really want to carry the weight of them yet. You don't need to. You're not married. You don't have kids. You don't have a house together. You don't have to do the dishes and buy the

shopping. You can allow a bit more grace if on all of the other stuff he's really floating your boat. Definitely. But also don't be disrespected constantly. But also like you have to put your big girl pants on and have a conversation about it and every time that behavior repeats, you have to say, we talked about this. Yeah. No, that's not... But you've now got to take a little bit of responsibility and say, I should have said,

because his defense is going to be, you said you didn't want me there. You never said anything. To be fair... It's a fair defense. Yeah. It works. It stands up in court. It's not ideal and it's not what you want, but that is his defense. Babe, can I also just say, sorry, does this make me think?

The other day, Raul started this conversation with me, like late at night, and then I was talking to him and he was falling asleep, but like it was a deep conversation. And he'd started it. And I said to him, Bub, could you not be a little more emotional intelligence to have this conversation

when you can fucking keep your eyes open? And actually he looked at me and he said, Bub, sometimes I'm not emotionally intelligent and sometimes I just need you to tell me. And like, guys, we're eight years in and he's still, but as in like, I actually really appreciate that you've actually admitted like, oh, actually, yeah, I can't do it sometimes.

So denying it that starts to chip away. Exactly, if he's like, well, what's wrong? Yeah, exactly. He was really like sincere and he was like, sometimes I'm just not emotionally intelligent. I hadn't even thought that that would be a problem. Right, and I said to him, now you know it's a problem, do you want to continue this conversation?

He was like, no, let's talk about it tomorrow. It's such a small thing. And don't get me wrong, in the moment, I was like, fucking idiot. Why have you started this? Obviously. And the easy route is to just do that. But like, it's just not, like, it doesn't get you anywhere. And listen, if you asked me five years ago, I'd be like, fucking ice him out.

It doesn't work. And it doesn't, like nothing benefits that in the long run. Your relationship will not be better. Also, you'll just start to hate each other because all you'll do is resent each other for not being able to read each other's minds. And my number one relationship tip is there is no such thing as over communication.

Say everything that you think all the time, even if it's like, I think you're jarring because you have started that conversation at fucking 11.30. Say it. Not, okay, yeah, no, it's fine, we'll talk about it tomorrow. No, no, it's not fine. It's absolutely not fine. There's only too much communication

if you're speaking to the wrong person. Well, and if they don't really care to communicate with you. Yeah. There's plenty of boats on the canal to you guys' point. So you are young, but that means you've got plenty of time to meet new people. Exactly. And like trial it and try and play and like take the weight off it maybe and see how it feels to articulate to that someone who takes it really badly. Then you've got your answer. Babe, please. Can I tell you about my Emma mattress? Please do.

I've been sleeping so badly. So any mattress recommendations I'm all ears. Honestly, anyone who needs a mattress recommendation, I will tell them about Emma for as long as they will listen. I actually think Emma and G are in a co-dependent relationship because she talks about this mattress more than she talks about anyone else in her life. Babe, I was going to say it was in the middle zone last night and I was thinking, wow, I spend more time with this mattress than any

other person, even you. Yeah. And I love it more. Yeah. Because she really helps me sleep, it's just that level, like it's a perfect amount of firmness and it's cooling. So on the scale of one to, what is the scale? One to nine. I don't know what the firmness scale is actually but I'll find out and I'll let you know because if you do want to get an Emma mattress then right now is the time to get it because when you purchase it you get a free little gift. I love free things, tell me more. I know and also when it arrives it doesn't arrive like a mattress guys, it arrives in a box. It arrives in a box and it rolls out like almost like a sausage roll.

It's amazing. I cannot say better things about my Emma mattress. I love it. So I encourage you please to check out emmasleep.co.uk and there you will discover why I love my mattress so much because you'll see all of the wide range of different mattresses and the accessories. Also guys, also we would never leave you hanging without a discount code.

It's leave a message for an additional 8% off. Please remember terms and conditions on the website and the code is valid on the whole website excluding outlet products. Okay, happy sleeping. Right, hi Kelly's. My dad died when I was seven and after his funeral, me and all my siblings, we had no contact with my dad's side of the family until we were a bit older, like teenagers, like over 15. And one random day when I was 16, my grandad decided to let us build that. We actually have two secret older sisters and we actually had photos of them up around my house, but

we got told that they were just family friends. And these two sisters are now in their mid-30s and I don't know whether to get in contact with them because it's been like three years now since I found out about them. And they grew up with my cousins when they were younger. They all live together and I don't have no contact with my dad's side of the family and I don't want to contact them and Make it feel bad my mom because she did keep a secret until we well She wanted us to find out when you were like much older and most of my siblings are still quite like young

They're like teenager age, but they're still like most of them are under 16 So I don't really know what to do. Because it's such a weird thing when you find out that you've got this other side of your family who are your siblings and it is someone you're supposed to be like close to but like you have no contact with them and they're like a whole different age to you. So like how do you go about finding them without no contact with the other side of that family? What the fuck do I do?

First of all, sorry your dad died. Hope you're okay. I just want to say though, I actually do know some people with some secret families and your response is extremely mature. Yeah. So I just want to say like congrats. You're clearly in your highest elevated self. I don't know if you've gone to therapy, but if you haven't, bravo. No need. No need. You're done, completed it. Yeah, listen, I don't have the answer because I don't have a secret family to my knowledge. I just think that as long as you accept that just because they're your family doesn't mean

you're going to have the relationship that you might have with your siblings you grew up with, I think there's no harm in reaching out. Definitely. I would definitely articulate it to your mum first, but then I would just, I would definitely connect with them. Like, you lost your dad at a really young age, that's such a hard thing to go through. They also lost that same person,

and they might have a different viewpoint on him, a different experience of him, but it still might be really nice to connect. Well, the only thing I will say is expect the worst hope for the best. They might not receive you with open arms. And that's, yeah, and that's their prerogative. But at least you know. Exactly.

I think with everything, like it's better to know than to have kind of like, oh, what if, what if. Always better to know than to think what if, always. Yeah, I think so. I would just say, yeah, reach out, definitely tell your mom first, but I don't know how secret families work. I don't know what the hostility, I don't know.

Because you don't know their experience of everything. They might not know about you. Yeah, you never know. So, what a tread with caution. Yeah. I would say. But... And don't go in like, oh my... Like, I don't know, I just think like, protect your peace a little bit and just like... Well, don't overthink it, I guess.

Don't expect it to be one way or the other, bad or good. Cutty families or hating each other. Just take it as it comes and as they are and, you know, see if you can have a relationship with them and see what they're like. I can't believe the pictures in your house. That is wild. That is wild. I just think you have to remember that mostly,

especially with parents, even when they get it wrong, they are trying to work with your best interest in heart. So if they thought that you would only be able to take that information on board when you were older, then that's just them kind of trying to protect you. I don't think I do agree. You don't agree? I don't think that they act with your best interest all the time, no.

I think maybe that they just kept it from you because like... With the best of their knowledge? Nah. Okay. I just think, you know, maybe for whatever reason, they just thought too difficult, can't be asked to deal with that. Yeah, but like even, yeah, how you frame things, because it's the same thing. Like if it's too difficult, because they're worried about your reaction or how you're going to blend all of it, it it's the same thing. Like, if it's too difficult because they're worried about your reaction

or how you're going to blend all of it, it's like the same thing. It's like keeping it in the box. But it's the same thing when you're young or old. To be honest, finding out you've got a secret family is like shocking no matter how old you are. I have a friend, not really a friend, loose acquaintance, who I went to school with. And I actually only know this second hand, but like, you know, I knew her obviously all my schooling years. And she only in the last three or four years found out that her dad had a secret family in Singapore, full, almost 30. She's like,

what the fuck? This is why I think actually maybe it's not in their best interest because it still feels like a betrayal. Yeah, of course, it's just, it's deceitful. Yeah, because it feels like you've lied to me my whole entire life about like my existence. I don't know, I don't, I can only imagine like it also makes you question like timelines and like... I know. Fuck that.

You'd want it all laid out really. And you'd want to understand what relationship they had with you and where, did they know about you, all of those questions. And it's really hard, especially when the parent isn't here to answer for their behaviours. Correct. That's really hard. Yeah. Good luck. Oh my God, good luck.

I hope it is like those reunions on long lost family and it's really nice. That's what I pray for for you. I love that show. I've never watched that show. It's incredible. It's with Davina. It's basically this. Kind of, yeah. It would, yeah, actually it would be this. That could be something that they do or, you know, sometimes adoption and you find your birth mother or a sibling, yeah,

you didn't know about. Adopt and find their birth mother. Oh, wow. Oh, and it's always like these women in the 60s that got put in these convents and had their babies taken off them and it's so sad. I really want a hug from Davina. Oh my god, that's a really good hug. Did she hug you? Yeah. Wow. I think I've been hugged by her twice now. I think so too. Maybe even thrice. I used to pray for a secret sibling when I was a kid. Oh, babe.

I did. Maybe you could go on long lost families. Your dad's quite old. There is a chance. There's no chance. It's so sad. Really? Yeah, because he was married for 25 years.

No, what about in his youth? Maybe he knocks someone up. You don't know that for sure. But then they'd be like 60 now. It's not quite the sibling I was dreaming of. Not quite the like girl gang I was wanting, but who knows? Maybe that would be nice. That's hilarious.

Should we do a round up? OK, voice note number one. Oh, we've kind of done a 360. We think you're going to stay with him now and just communicate better. In isolation, I don't know that this is a dumpable offence. Yeah. Obviously, the cheating isn't great and I don't know what his other behavior is like.

But if we're just talking about this one instance, I think there's a lot of things that you can take away from this. Yes. That could actually really better your relationship. Definitely. Like next time, don't be afraid to say it would mean a lot to me if you were here. Yeah. And be fun. Yeah.

Because then he can't turn around and say, well, you never said, well, yeah, I did, actually. I said, black and white, I would like you here, please. Yeah. Thank you. I'm in a lot of pain. My mum's doing my head in. So if you were here, be nice. And we've talked about this so much recently. But yeah, don't expect from others what you would expect from yourself sadly is the truth of life. He literally was just like, I'm watching the football, I'm

having a nice time. She sat in A&E and she says she doesn't need me. And she's with her mom. She says she doesn't need me. Like, and also- Of course, you could be with your girlfriends and you could be like, oh my god, he's in A&E, a girl's got to go and you would leave straight away but you're not the same person. Boys don't think like that. That's so fucking simple. I hate to be so binary about it, but it is like that.

Sometimes I think it's weaponizing competence. I know. I agree, especially as they get older. When you start dating them and they're 30, 33, and they're still doing it, I think you know what you're doing. Sorry. Yeah, agree. But he's young. He's got age on his side in this instance. And we let him off. We let off the young boys. If you're under 30, you're fine here.

And Yasmin number two. Good luck out there with your two older sisters. Two older sisters. Also, I have to say, it's quite tough. Oh my gosh. Two older sisters. I am an older sister and I know how difficult older sisters are. And you've got young siblings.

I think just first things first, chat to your mum. Babe, imagine two older sisters, what would you do? I'd be thrilled. I don't think you would. I think you'd have an identity crisis. No, I'd be thrilled. I'd be thrilled. OK, yeah, for now, like now.

But imagine like at 15, finding out you're two older sisters, and they'd be like, who? And they'd be like, and sister, like, older sisters are so mean. Well, the only reason it would be horrible is if like my dad had fully had another family and was their dad. But I thought he was my dad. That's what he's had.

This is exactly what's happened here. Well, no, we don't know that. I don't think that was necessary. No, he could have had no doing with them. So it could be on the one side. They were in pictures though. No, no, it's on the dad's side. But as in, I'm saying you'd only get that territorial

if the dad had been living as if he was the dad of both houses. He might have been an absent father. Oh, we don't have that information. Oh, I was just assuming he was living a double life. Oh, I don't know. The only reason why that's blurry is because they were in family pictures. Yes. Which had to have been around at some point. Something happened there.

Listen, he didn't... And he wanted them around in the home, but then it's a double life, that's bold. He didn't know about that. Having your double family in the house is like not a tactic I would use. If I was trying to live a double life, I wouldn't be like, oh, who's that? Or I don't know. That's sick in the head.

I'm thinking the mum must have known, we've talked about this before, but it is like Mrs. Wilson. I will never get over that show. I know. And that story. This man had something like 14 wives. That's wild. It wasn't 14. It was. It was something like, it was in excess of 10, definitely. No! Yeah, because I remember seeing the picture and I'm not joking. This man had like 26 children.

At the same time? No, all different ages, I think. But he, yeah, did he was like the father of the household for a lot of them. Oh, hold on. I have to find this. So they all know, but as in he would like go home on a Friday and they think dad's home from business, but Monday to Thursday, he'd been with his other family. Yeah. But the only reason it came out was because he was in the army and when he

died, they all came to collect for the will. And that's the only reason that they all found out about each other. I must speak about Nick Cannon. I have gone- Oh my gosh. Have you watched it? What? The Brie Tecce.

Brie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. The way she talks about it is actually like fascinating. Yeah. Rana's got opinions, but she's not saying anything. Go on. Maybe next week. Yeah, maybe next week we'll dive into Nick Cannon because I've been on a deep dive of the timelines of those kids.

And wow, the Cannon football team is crazy. It's crazy. I kind of dig it in a weird way. Sorry. Four women and seven children. It wasn't quite... Fourteen! And you looked at me like I was mental. Four women and seven children. You said 14 wives.

Sorry I did. That's 10, 10 women. He never divorced any of his wives instead keeping the women ignorant of each other's existence as he juggled his many separate lives in parallel families. Also, I know one of them was in India and that's how he got around the divorce. Cause you can't be, legally,

you literally cannot be married twice. I know, how did he manage that? Cause he married one in India. There's four. I know, I don't know what happened to the others. He's just skipping loopholes all over the place. Anyway, watch that show. Also, Ruth Wilson, who played Mrs Wilson, it is her... It's deja vu.

Well, it's her. Yeah, it's her grandma. It's her great grandma. Something like that. Her actual great grandma is the actual Mrs Wilson. Is Mrs Wilson. Yeah. And she played the part. Amazing.

I must have seen a picture of the grandchildren then. Yes, you got confused there. I didn't like, I never like to be forced to, in my opinion, unless I'm wrong, but I did think, I don't think you managed 14. How many does Nick have? Seven? No, well, Nick? Six?

No, no, 11 kids. Only, I think it's only five baby mamas. Six baby mamas. Six. Only six. Not 14. Right, what would you do? Question of the week.

Yeah. Okay, first, I just wanted to know, have you ever been through a breakup? And I am shocked by this. Well, that's the question. Have you ever been through a breakup? Surely everyone voted yes. Sorry, bad briefing from my end. No, I did a secondary one. Well, that's the question. Have you ever been through a breakup? Surely everyone's rated yes. Sorry, bad briefing from my end. No, I did a secondary one.

Don't you worry. Don't you worry. No one can't worry. It's very good. I just wanted to know because I didn't want to assume. And rightly so, I didn't assume. I would say like huge majority yes. Nope.

64% have been through a breakup. 36% haven't. Guys. My best friend's a year older than me and she's never had a boyfriend. Yeah, you can't assume these things because... Oh my gosh. Sorry, hon.

No problem. You're probably better off without. No, listen, good for you. Honestly. You probably listen to a pod like this and you think, all those problems I don't have. But also you must think those withered old bitches, like you're so haggard and like weathered from the world.

Yeah. Weathered from the men we've dated. Yeah, not the world. The world's fine. Right. And then I asked, if yes, what are your best tips for getting through the hardest parts of a breakup? Okay. This is just in case galley number one does decide to leave her boyfriend.

Can I give mine first? Yeah. Which is the best piece of advice I've ever been given and it wasn't given to me by someone I know. I listened to Dolly Alderton talk about on a podcast But what you must do is write down either in like your notes up on your phone or on an actual piece of paper All of the reasons why you're not together Why you don't want to be with them why they're not your perfect partner like it can be really trivial stuff Like they don't cook well, even if you got dumped by the the way. Yeah, yeah, you have, and you know them, they're all there, doesn't matter,

even if they're on a pedestal and you love them, you can think, girls, they'll be two inches too short, or you won't like their mom, or whatever it is. There'll be loads of stuff, it can be really trivial stuff, and it can be the big stuff, like he belittled me, he didn't make me feel my best self, he wasn't funny. Anyway, you write that all down, and then you read it every day for at least a month, And I swear to God, it's the best thing ever.

Number one, no contact. Not everyone agrees with this. I do think in the beginning especially, it's really important. I definitely had like a slow exit. We definitely had communication. But not really because of you babe. No. I wouldn't say that was particularly proactive communication from you. It wasn't, although in the beginning of the first few days when we broke up, it kind of was because I really wanted to articulate the reasons why. And it felt like important to do that.

Do you know what I mean? Not just like you're dumped by, and like you don't exist to me anymore. Do you know what I mean? Well, it depends on the circumstances because if you said those in person, I don't think you need to say them over text. True. Not again. No. Not again. I've said it once. Well, it depends on the circumstances, because if you said those in person, I don't think you need to say them over text. True. Not again.

No. Not again. I've said it once. You best listen. OK, this is a good one. Write a letter as yourself one year from today. Oh, that's beautiful. So imagine yourself a year on and write yourself a letter.

That's lovely. Get your loved ones to write something about you that they love and stick it on your mirror. This is really obvious in terms of keep yourself busy, but to the granular level. I will wake up, I will make a coffee. You have to almost be a robot because then you're not thinking about anything apart from what you're going to do. Also, you can wallow for a sec, There is also it is really helpful to go through

the motions. I think there's an expiry date to wallowing. Yeah, you've got you've got to get up, you've got to get up and go eventually. And for a bit, it does just it's like grief. Like it's the same thing you lose someone you love. And you think, wow, will I walk around with this ginormous hole forever? You do have to walk around. Like it sounds so menial, but like actually just like laugh a lot. Laugh, but also cry. Yeah, at the same time. At the same time, like all together, all at the same time, because I think you have to do both.

Like don't like pretend you're fine if you're not crying. But also don't, you don't have to be the like, I'm in the break up, so I can't have fun or go for dinner or go out or shag someone else. Do whatever feels right for you. Yeah, exactly. Remind yourself it's okay to miss the person you knew at the beginning. So that's quite nice because it's like, oh, what are you actually missing about them? Because you're probably not missing... Not missing a person that you just broke up with. Yeah, because it's probably got quite bad

if you're getting to that stage. Lean on your support system, friends, family and replace that quality time. That's something I really noticed. Even you saying that about, like, I want raw in my bed on a Saturday morning course. Those bits are the bits that are really hard to fill because they're bits that you can only really do with someone you love and feel intimate with. So you've got to find your thing, like maybe as I wake up on every Saturday morning and I go for a walk and have a croissant.

And that's my thing. That's my equivalent to having a lazy day in bed with the person I love. Do you know what I mean? Also, I do think in the beginning, it's not helpful. Like you need to brief your friends and fam. I don't need your opinion. I think after you break up with someone, often people are like, Oh, well, he was shit anyway. I never liked him. And you're like, what? Yeah. It's just like,

shut up. Like that was not the time. Come back in six months and tell me that. Like, you know, you can say that. Like, I don't need opinions. I just need you to like be present and like cuddle me. And I honestly, I don't want to hear a thing Yeah, you have to also know that that's going to expiry date to Sometimes it feels like you kind of want everyone to indulge in your breakup for like evermore until you're fine But they can't they've got lives. So you also have to find your own like coping mechanisms on a practical level Mute their stories. Yeah, get rid of all the photos. And do that thing. You can do it on iFotos because I remember... Yeah, you did it for me.

Yeah. What is it called? Can I say though... Feature this person less. It means... It just means they don't pop up in your memories. Yes. You don't have to delete the photos. But I only, honestly, like what? In October. So that was a year and two months on, was when I actually finally like blocked all of his friends and family

From seeing their Instagram and stuff and like occasionally having him pop up So like it does like if it takes you a minute takes you a minute 100% don't have to do it all straight away sometimes having that little line of like But I think in the beginning you just don't need to see them one like it's a jarring when you see their story every day All the pictures you took pictures of were the good times. And so then you're like faced with the good times where actually what you need to be doing is reading your list, reading your list, reading your list.

You don't need to be seeing the happy holiday pics. In a year and a half, two years, you'll look back and you'll be like how nice we were young and in love and it won't feel as like hardcore. But right then you don't need to be seeing like you know a cozy pic when you just you know got out the sea and you were both your best selves because you'd had a margarita. No one needs to see that. Also guys, this is the most fucking jarring thing that anyone can ever say, but time is the greatest healer and sometimes you just got to sit and wait.

You just got to sit and wait for the heartache to subside. Honestly, that's the tip. Yeah, and then the heartache, you'll just have like fleeting moments and then you won't even know what you're sad about. You'll just be a bit like, do I miss them? Am I sad I'm single? I'm sad or not with them, not sure, but just fleeting. And then you just move on with your day and your life. And it's great. Thank you so much everyone for listening.

See you, if you're coming to the show, see you on Friday and Saturday. As if! Woo! Whoa! Can't believe. And you'll also see producer Rihanna there. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe. She's so mysterious. You don't know what you're going to get. Okay guys, thank you so much. Please keep sending your voice notes in. There was no pod without voice notes. Yes, good point. You tell them.

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exciting or if you've got any questions that you need answered. 07342617792, that's a plus four four, okay? Got it? Got it? It's very important. And voice note us. Okay, bye guys. Love you, bye! Love you, bye guys!