Leave A Message with Ally & G - 6 - One Night Stands: You're Coming Home With Me!

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

Following some recent... market research... this week's episode of Leave A Message is all about one night stands! Ally & G have opened up the inbox to the Gallies sleepover/sleep-under stories and there's no holding back! Is it time to take your flowers for the hard work of securing a catch? Maybe your pride is in the gutter, after all a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Either way, the Gallies come in clutch with the stories that will make your night out feel, if anything, tame. Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay listen are we started is this is this thing on she's going this thing's on okay we must we've come here to talk about one night stands i'm straight in at the deep end because g has a lot of um has a lot of market research to report back on I like the way you said that that's all it is it's market research I don't think that the necessary scientific precautions were taken yeah so it's weird isn't it because I've got a lot of stories of one night stands from pre my latest relationship but now I'm also back in the game I'm having a little bit of yeah I'm dipping my toe in research she's having a resurgence I'm having a resurgence because back in the day a one-night stand was all I could get they often wouldn't see me again

it wasn't always my choice like I think sometimes if that's how you choose to live then that's actually quite an easy life. Yeah, it's just when, like, previously, I've been so good this time round, but previously I would be very, like, I'd have sex with someone and then I'd be like, what, and we're not getting married? Well, you don't love me. That's what's happened.

Right, and that's why I can't have one night stands because I literally will fall in love with someone after one thrust. It's too much. Yeah, the one thrust and love. The one thrust. That's all it takes Ah. Yeah. The one thrust and love. The one thrust. That's all it takes for Ali Mack.

Welcome to Leave a Message, everyone. Sorry, and we must say before we start this particular episode, there will be foul language, vulgar descriptions of sexual activity, and if you don't like

that kind of chat, maybe head over to Stephen Bartlett or something. I don't know. Something a bit more dull. Maybe fast forward 15 seconds or so. Oh, I think you might have to fast forward the whole way. I don't...

Also, babe, I don't think vulgar language is specific to this episode. It's not, but there will be, like... What did Rihanna say? These were the four words, okay? If you don't like these, then turn off now. Blowjobs. Blowjobs. Come.

In hand. And dick. I mean, come on. If that doesn't do it for you, then you might want to look elsewhere. I think they're quite normal words to use in normal everyday language. I don't know about you guys, but I find that normal. Just how you describe a Thursday night in with your boyfriend. I fucking wish. Actually, I don't wish. I'm so delighted that's not how I describe it. Yeah, do you feel good. I'm so delighted that's not how I describe it. Yeah, do you feel good over there? Like, you know, not having to go out and sleep with people for one night and one night only?

No, I'm just saying I can get my hours in. I can get my eight hours in. Yeah. Because I don't need, yeah. That's what I do like about it. Knowing I'm safe in the knowledge that I can get my eight hours and not go having to look for it.

If I wanted it, it was there. I never want it anyway, so that's fine. Poor Roar, you do shag him, babe. Yeah, no, I do. No, no, no, I do. We will do an episode about sex in relationships so that Ali Mack can really... I mean, I won't have much to add.

Not a lot of it. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. You're joking, I've got to marry. Babe, I was listening to a podcast the other day. It's quality quality not quantity so make sure you feed that back to your raw what can babe say listen raw it's not about the quantity babe it's quality and you get high quality in this bed and he does and he does and look i don't

really rate myself highly actually that's the biggest lie i've ever told in my life i rate myself so fucking highly well in life or in the bedroom in general in my life i think rate myself so fucking highly. Well, in life or in the bedroom? In general, in my life. I think I'm a 10-10 in every single aspect of life. But in the bedroom, I think I'm like 20-10. Really? Like, babe, I don't know if you know, I've got brown nipples.

Sorry. You know when you go to like new events or like, I don't know, at school and they say, you know, stand in a circle and say a fun fact about yourself.

Al's would be, I've got brown nipples. She thinks it's like true only to her. No, but babe, yours would be like fucking, I don't know. I've got, I don't know, big feet. My feet are a size eight. You can't think of one fun fact about me, babe. No, babe, I'm saying you would say about yourself. What would be your one fun fact?

If you had to go to a circle, what would it be? I would say I'm mixed race and I do have brown nipples. And I've got brown labia. Do you have brown labia? Poor Rihanna does not want... Don't worry about it.

There's no producer mic. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. We will never know the colour of Rihanna's labia, thank God. It's blue. It's actually fucking bright blue.

Don't drag R Rahana into this. She will leave the room. Can I tell you about my one night stand? Can you just intro the fucking podcast first? Hi, this is Leave a Message. This is Ali McIntosh. I'm Reedy G. I forgot my full name.

Ali McIntosh. I'm Ali Mac. This is G. Yes. Reedy G. G Reed. No one really knows what last name she's going for. Who knows? Mac. This is G. Yes. G, really G. G, read. No one really knows what last name she's going for. Who knows?

I've got so many last names. It's hard to keep up. Together we are, Ali and G. And this is Leave a Message. This week's episode. That was really bad. I think we should do that again. Oh, right.

Go on. Hi. No! Not with the silly voice. Go on, do it like it's... Hi, you're listening to Leave a Message with Ali. Hi, you're listening... I've got a brief for you.

You have to do it like for the one time in your life you want to have sex but Raw doesn't. You have to give the pitch as if you're trying to get him into bed. Hi. No. You're listening to Leave a Message with Ali and G. Serious? I think I'd run a mile.

You're listening to Leave a Message with Ali and G and if you want like the inside scoop on the inner workings of our minds, which is basically a complete load of bullshit, you're listening to the right fucking podcast because talk about nothing. Ali, your language. Sorry.

I must tell her off quite seriously. Alexandra, look me in the eye. You must stop with the fucks, okay? We're about to talk about dick and blowjobs, babe, why don't they? That's going to be an issue. Exactly, so only use them when you need them. Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay, sorry, mum. Yeah, start again. Anyway, G's been having a rampage. This came at a great time for me, this podcast, because, yeah, on Thursday night, we've done this basically as therapy for her. We will get to the voice notes because I want to feel less alone

because I went to Ali Max the morning after and she was like, slut-shaming me. No, she was. That's bullshit. No, babe, take that back. I did not slut-shame her. No, I take her back.

She did, and she was really celebratory, but she said she was cross at me. Rightly so, babe, take that back. I did not slut shame her. No, I take her back. She didn't. She was really celebratory, but she said she was cross at me. Rightly so, babe. She's having, sorry, I'm looking you both in the eye because you need to know how bad she is. She is having unprotected sex with men of the City of London.

And I did say, men, there haven't been that many. God sakes, only been a few, a handful. Come on, one hand. No condom, no nothing. No female condom either. And I know they're in short supply. Babe, when have you ever put a femid on?

I've never done that. Obviously not. I'm not out there shagging the men of London. I would love to know. There's better women than me out there. If they actually stop the action and go, have you got a condom? I would never.

I just don't bother. And I know it's bad. It's awful. And you must do your sexual health test afterwards. You've got more than fucking sexual health.

Doing it afterwards isn't going to fucking help you, babe. You could get HPV and then get cervical cancer. Did you guys know? I think I've already got HPV. Everyone who's sexually active has HPV, I think.

Well, you probably... Touch wood. Pray to God. Angels, please bless over her. Bless over her and her dirty vagina. Anyway, Thursday night, I go on a date and I think... Can I tell you first? Yeah.

About the syphilis. Babe, she keeps showing me these pictures of people whose faces are falling off because of syphilis. Listen, I'm a grown woman. I've got many notches on my bedpost and some of them I was protected for, some of them I wasn't. And I'm mortified about the fact that I wasn't

because it's not good behaviour. Moving forward, I will have a condom in my pocket and I will make sure I say, stop right there, sir. Put a condom on. I don't want to look like those women in the pictures. You must say that. With syphilis.

Yeah. Or HPV that gives you cancer no i'm really not proud and i'm not a good role model i was serious anyway i was out and about i was having a good time the worst thing about being single is being horny and not having an outlet for that horn and then i was saying to al sometimes therefore on dates you make kind of bad decisions i suppose basically I met this guy what should we call him Darren have we used Darren before Darren I like it so I'm going out with Darren I meet him and I'm like basically we've been texting for ages just because of the way

the like date lined up like two weeks like two weeks of texting and I'm a texter so I was just really like loving it and we've been joking that like he's her boyfriend because like they honestly were texting like boyfriend girlfriend so then I see him across the, so I was just really, like, loving it. And we've been joking that, like, he's her boyfriend, because, like, they honestly were texting like a boyfriend-girlfriend. So then I see him across the bar, and I think, okay, Darren, not quite what I expected. Like, not completely different to his pictures, but not like, oh, yeah, 100%, I want to rip my clothes off, which is what I kind of thought from the way he portrayed himself.

His character felt quite different. His demeanour felt quite different. So I was just kind of being a bit, like, coy. Then I had two large glasses of white wine. Coy was out the window. We moved inside, had a margarita. Before I know it, I'm snogging his face off. I don't even know if I fancy him,

but then I was like, no, I'm really horny. I do fancy him. Well, then you just got to kind of like tick all the boxes. You know what I mean? Get it done. Then I just thought you were coming in with me. That's actually not true. There was a bit of a like, you know, a detour.

Oh, then we went out like weirdly because we like pumped bumped into well it was this whole thing then it got to the point where i was like okay we need to go home like it's so late blah blah so he came back to my house and then he was just there and now she's thinking well i might as well i want to now at this stage because i just think who cares i fancy you enough to snog you in a bar do you know what I mean? I can shag you. Anyway,

girls, we get down to action you know what it's like when you've had a few drinks like you know he's in and out of consciousness his erection

not his he was an unconscious he was asleep and he's inside me so that was really good sorry no I meant his erection was like you know

awake and then asleep and then awake and then asleep. Then I clenched my womb and he woke up. Clenched your womb? You know when you do like a Kegel? I don't think that's the womb clenching name, is it? Sorry, the vaginal walls is what I meant to say. Oh yeah, the vaginal walls were operating. Also, I don't know, do you ever get this?

I'm so dry when I'm drunk. I just think drunk sex is actually the worst thing ever. It was so bad. That's what I wonder. No, it wasn't so bad. Sorry, Darren. It was fine. No one knows who he is,

so don't worry about it. We haven't actually named him. It was shit. No, Darren, it was fine. It was just all a bit. How would you honestly rate him out of 10? Don't say... Oh, I'd give him a six.

That's not what you said on Friday, babe. What did I give him? I think you said I could have done with that. Babe, you went three times just to triple check that it was really bad I went three times because I just thought we best check no I'll tell you why we went three times so first time we're there we're having a you know we're having a good time we're in and out of whatever we're in like missionary he's on top of me I don't know what happened because I was a bit pissed he obviously like we went to change position I don't know what happened because I was a bit pissed. He obviously, like, we went to change position.

I don't know who communicated that we were changing, but you know, it just happened. I come up like this, don't realise that I must have made contact with him, flip a switch. So now I'm from behind, he's behind me. We carry on having sex, whatever. It's like a bit of like doggy, I guess.

Guess that's what the kids call it, I don't know. Anyway, then I turned back round because I think I want to go on top now because I'd like to make myself come. And then I noticed blood all dripping down his face, all in his hand, all over my bedsheets.

And I was like, sorry, Taryn, what the hell's happened? He's been shagging me this whole time. When I turned round, I head-butted him. Did you not think to fucking say, by the way, I head-butted him. There's nothing to fucking say. By the way, I'm dripping with blood.

Afterwards, he said it felt so nice I didn't want to stop. And I thought, come on! What? Come on, the girls! The blood dripping down his face. It was all over my bedsheets. It stained to my mattress. I'm sorry, this is really bad, but I would really...

It's not okay. It was really bad. That would really panic me about the cleanliness of his blood. I'm sorry to say it. I just got him a tissue and we carried on. That's the difference.

That is a fucking fundamental thing. So bad. So that was my recent one night stand. No, I've already told her. I've already showed her all the pictures. Girls, you must use a condom.

It's actually no fucking joke. And don't be giving boys nose beads and, you know... That was, I don't know my own strength, girls. And also... It's all the fucking spinning it's all the spinning i've started training here i'll swing a kettlebell around i'm like ready for him bang boom smash and he was just like this can't tell you how much he bled really bad no i can imagine if it was all over the sheets baby i can imagine if you're not sure,

if you didn't enjoy it the first time, I would also recommend going twice again. Yeah, that was rogue. I just thought, oh, I'll give it a go, see if it gets better.

It didn't the next time. See if he can improve over time. Also, sorry, I'd like to say, he's been in a relationship for seven years. It was five and a half,

I think, yeah. Whatever, five and a half. He should be rating higher than a six out of ten. No, but maybe she liked it like that. I just didn't like his rhythm. He was a bit of a thruster do you know what I mean like rather than being like you're trying to play me like a drum like I'm a melody well like you're

trying to hit like the back of my like you know you're trying to get to my throat yeah yeah yeah just relax like I can still feel it don't worry have you ever had that when you when you can't feel it at all and I said put it in and he said it's already in. No! That didn't happen. Swear to God. That's happened to me once in my life.

That's really, really sad. No, I think this... Sorry for any boys listening. I really do feel sorry for boys with micropenises because there is actually nothing that you can do. There's a difference between a small willy and a micropenis. I think if your willy's too big, it's too much. No, no, no.

Big willies are tacky. But... They are. It's really naff. I'm sorry. If you've got a big willy, go and get it smaller. I'm really... I'm sorry.

And also, I just think, like, the boys with big dicks... Sorry, I don't like to generalise, but I'm going to. Go on. The boys with big dicks are usually dicks. Big dick energy. Yeah, because they think they're all that because they've got

big willies swinging about and I just think no one's looking at it apart from you. Okay, but can I say sometimes you get those boys, those like secret assassins and you know those nice boys,

I've been with a few of them and you think you're not sure it could go either way. What, with big dicks? And then they get it out and you think, wow, that's why

you're quietly confident. I like that about you. That's never happened to me in my life. Never? The ones with the big... Poor Roar. This is when he breaks up with you after this episode. We found the edge. We found the line. This is the boundary.

We found the boundary. We're walking along the boundary here. Guys, sorry, just while we're here and then we'll get onto the voice notes. We're doing this thing at the moment where we're trying to grow our instagram because we've got no followers on it which is sad and um posting a reel every day which is like um a day in the life and we just do three videos so it's manageable because we're useless and anyway i'll just at the end of a day we'll put her three videos into our joint folder great no worries so the next morning i'll then get to the three videos and i'll edit them together. I'm

toot toot tooting through the videos. There she is in her little face mask. I think, hang on a minute. When she turns the camera, so when the camera isn't facing her, it's on raw. I notice he's got no clothes on. He's starbuckled, naked. Turns around, then it's Ali Mack. Turns it back,

naked again. Naked, just completely naked. Don't worry, Bob. We've deleted it. Don't worry, Bob. No one's got it, yeah? No one's ever going to see it. Hasn't seen the live day just didn't realise he was there. He, babe,

we best, next Wednesday, whenever this gets released, we best put him on lockdown because if he hears, he cannot hear this episode, guys. No. No.

We, he honestly, We will get dumped. I will be, right. We will be sat here, both of us, single next week if that happens. Then she can go on

the one night stands. Woo-hoo! But I'll actually use a condom because I don't want a syphilis in the first place, okay? As you should. Make this autumn the tastiest season yet

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right should we get the first one okay girlies i have a story about a tragic one night stand that just went from bad to worse so basically I um was a first year uni student and I was in a club and I had recently broken up my ex and I was like you know what we need to start seeing new people you know find someone so I downloaded bumble and then I matched with this guy and he was like, I'll pick you up from the club. And I was like, bang it, free taxi back from the club. Who can say no? It's a fresher. So I was like, perfect. So he picked me up. Then walking back to my car and I was like, I actually don't find this guy very attractive, but you know what? I'm here now. He's not really my type, but he's someone's type, you know, he's not terrible

looking. So you get back first terrible thing that happened is I'm making out with him you know all good and two of my flatmates walk into my room um they literally look so shocked turn around run away and I was like well that's embarrassing then we start doing you know start doing bits doing our thing and all of a sudden um it's just getting very hot and heavy very very quickly I was like okay that's no full play we're switching positions every bloody 10 seconds and I was like right okay this is like doing some hot yoga I can't be this is too much let me lie down and be a starfish and pretend like nothing's happening he then tries to spit in my mouth. And I was like, not a bit of me.

Thank you very much. He then puts his finger in my arsehole. And you know what? No judgment to any girlies out there who like it. Not a bit of me. And I was like, I don't know you. Can we not? And he tries a couple of times.

And I was like, nah, stop that. That's enough. So I was like, I'm not feeling this anymore. This guy is fucking weird so um I uh so I was like okay I'm feeling a bit drunk like I I'm done can we wrap this up uh and I was like I'll give you head to finish because you know I'm generous I'm a generous girl and he was like okay yeah sure so I do. So I do that. And he goes, go lower. And I'm like, sorry. So I go lower and he's like, no, like lick my asshole. And I just, I'm sorry. No. And I was like, nah, mate, sorry. None of that. I'm ever so sorry. So I then kick him out and I'm like, you gotta go.

I'm not feeling this anymore. He then contacts me like 10 times on Bumble and on my Snapchat and I was like, so I block him and everything. But that's my little horrifying one night stand story for you. Can't believe I've just told you that. Well, thanks for telling us, babe. Sorry, what's the galley's name before we carry on? Oh, Joanne. Joanne. Good, Joanne. Lots to unpack there, Joanne. Thank you for being so candid because, you know, no judgment here.

Brave to share that with all the people that listen to this podcast. Don't worry, there probably aren't that many, so don't worry about it. It's just me and... Yeah, you, me and... It's just the two of us. Joanne. Nothing to worry about. Wow.

The thing is, with a one night stand right it's like really hard to sex is something that grows between two people right if we're real like you get to know what your partner likes it takes time to make it really good sometimes you get lucky and you'll have like one great epic shag you just get each other that doesn't happen all the time so for her to like have to communicate like what's not a bit of me and what is is so hard while staying sexy do you know what i mean this is what i think like i'm kind of joking about well i'm not joking about oh i've fallen in love with someone after one thrust but for me i'm like if the sexual pleasure for me is actually just the intimacy yeah like the

actual physicality of it is sometimes so much easier to just achieve on your own yes because it's like actually the good bit about sex is the intimacy that you get with someone when you have sex with the same part like yeah like even not if you're not even just if you're together like you know if you have a reg or a semi-reg yeah it's like knowing each other and like communicating it during sex when you don't know someone is honestly the most awkward like exchange that two humans can have also most people don't have the like i definitely don't have the language you know when she said like flipping me around we're changing positions every 10 seconds and you're just like you don't even know where your head is but you never say

can you stop can we stay in one for just like more than a pump please it's so funny though because if I really I'd like three thrusts I'd like three at least but like if I really fancy someone

you can spit in my mouth all day long isn't that wild isn't that wild you would hate that as soon as he did that we wouldn't go any further if he spit in my mouth babe

I'd fuck even if he was butt naked I'd get him out of my house honestly that is disgusting that is so no if you really if it's Anthony Joshua and he went out there. If he spit in my mouth, babe, even if he was butt naked, I'd get him out of my house. Honestly. That is disgusting. No, if you really thought, babe, if it's Anthony Joshua and he went, come here and he went, in your mouth. I'm sorry, that would really, really

tip my head. Bible. Spit, babe. Like someone's like, rank, like onion-y saliva. If they were fit, I'd be like, do it again. Fuck off, babe. Get real. Bible. It's disgusting. Bible. Even if Raw did that. Maybe I should ring this guy. I actually be like, do it again. Fuck off, babe. Get real. It's disgusting. Bible. Even if Raw did that.

Maybe I should ring this guy. I actually quite like all the things he did. The finger in my arse. I need to spit in my mouth. Licking a boy's arsehole. I don't think you'd like to do that. Because that is, I'm sorry. I've rimmed a few arseholes.

I'm not bothered. I just think it's fine, whatever. Bodily functions for me and sex. Like, nothing's off limits. Babe, what if he just had a massive dump and then he had like fucking, what do they call them? Gooseberries, or what do they call them? Oh, I don't want to know.

What's a gooseberry? Oh, sorry, dingleberries. When the shit gets stuck to their pubes around their bum. The rimming, I'm sorry, I can't. I really, I cannot get behind that. I really cannot. Can you not? No, I find it revolting.

I just quite enjoy it. If I, babe, not to a stranger. You don't know what could be down there. They could have just had a fucking curry. Let me know real talk. Let me think about if I've ever roomed a stranger. If they've had curry for lunch, babe, that is not a fucking place to live in.

I've definitely put my finger in a stranger's bum, which is so rude. That's different to your fucking face. It's not actually, to be fair, one thing I will say, I actually do think, like, everyone knows the kind of levels of sex. This girl, she's on bumble she's a

fresher you've given her and her mates a lift home the finger in the bum's probably the next date do you know what i mean like it feels a bit i have to disagree with you on a first night babe i don't know that many people that would expect a finger in the bum's first time round that's what i'm saying we're saying exactly the same thing i'm sorry i thought you're saying that's the first date no no i'm saying I'd probably wait. Like, I think there's levels to sex. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think everyone should probably,

the first time they shag, have quite vanilla sex. Yeah, missionary. Do you know what I mean? Just to figure out, and like, you could maybe like, you know, you could do doggy for like five pumps. There we go.

You could like mix up and do something a bit like wild on the moves. But I think like fingers in bums, spits in mouths. Rimming. Tying up, rimming tying up rimming all of it just wait

hold fire but that's what I mean I don't think that's enjoyable with a stranger it's like so intimate some people really like that though babe that's the kink

is that you don't know them and you never have to see them again what's that app that you were telling me about field yeah that's the place to go for that sort of thing if you want to have rimming

on the first date or unless you've said, like unless you get into the room and you go, oh, are you into anything freaky deaky? And they go, yeah, I like X, Y, Z. Then you could go, oh, I like Y, Z. So then you could do Y, Z. Do you know what I mean?

Leave out X. I actually still even think that that should be a conversation before you get in the bedroom. Yeah, potentially. Because then it makes the person who doesn't like X, Y or Z feel really uncomfortable. Joanne, I must say well done to you for saying no,

no thank you, you must leave. Really good. As you should. As you should. Don't be looking at anyone's arsehole you don't want to be. Agreed. Agreed. Fully agreed.

Sorry, I loved the, um, what she said. He's someone's type. Oh, this made me laugh because we were talking about this the other day. We had to cut this from our TikTok, but now we can talk about it because, you know, it's a random guy, a man of London, that Gia shagged. And we were like laughing. Babe, you didn't give him a six on Friday because we were like...

What did I give him? I was really hungover and probably a bit regretful. No, because we were laughing because... I shagged him that morning. I know. Twice. Fuck's sake. Because she was like, you know, look not he's not for me and we were

like you know if you like being fisted he might be he didn't fist me but he was just quite you know if you like it you know flip and fucking fold then he might be for you yeah and if you don't like a big dick he might be joking joking no dick not joking baby you don't like a big dick, he might be for you. Joking. Joking. No dick-shaming him. Baby, you don't need to save him. This is not a character... No, I just don't want people to think

that I'm slagging off any dick size because... I don't want people to think I've got bad taste in men. I do have awful taste in men. I think that's known. Do you know, I was listening to Wednesday's podcast

the other day. Yeah. They were talking about their number. Oh, yeah? I felt like a slut. I can't even tell you. Melissa was like, Sophie B was like,

oh, I can count it on one hand. Shut the fuck up. No. Does anyone here? Do not out Poppy and Rihanna. They've got no mic, so it's actually not a problem. They're behind the camera for a reason.

They could say 150 and no one would fucking know about it. No one would hear. 600. I wouldn't like to count, to be honest. That's how bad my list is. No, mine's manageable. To be fair, you've had a few years out of the game. I could sit around a dinner table with them, yeah. Could you? No, no, like numbers wise. Oh no, no, I would never want to see any of their scummy faces ever again. But numbers wise? Yeah, numbers wise. I'd need a double decker. We could

comfortably sit around the dinner table. You need a what? A door bust. I'd need a double decker for sure. No, that's not true. Maybe a single, one single level. I think just, you could just about squeeze them on a single level. I'm not sure I could on a red double. If someone was standing there.

I couldn't on a London bus. If they're standing too, then I'm fine. Yes, or standing. And they're packed in like fucking sardines. No room to breathe. And they're all standing there. If we're rummed up against there,

there's no, like no space for push chairs, suitcases, If we're rammed up against there, there's no, like, no space for pushchairs, suitcases, nothing. Like, it's quite... God, that's embarrassing. Okay, should we get the next? Sure. Hi, girls.

Saw your call out for terrible one-night-stand stories and thought I just had to add this one into the mix because it's too terrible not to share. So I was 18 years old. This is now 10 years ago. I was 18 years old. I was living in ago I was 18 years old I was living in London for the first time I was a virgin at this point and I was just like bright-eyed bushy

tailed loving life in the city I'd done a theatre course um and met this guy on the theatre course who I really fancied he was like 23 24 really fit but I didn't think he fancied me back. And on the last night of this course, everybody's getting pissed and he comes up to me and he's like, hey, can I stay at yours? Because I've missed my last train. So he and I are leaving the party to go back to my house. And this other girl from my course comes up to us and she's like, oh, hey, do you mind if I also stay with you because I live outside London and I've missed my last train as well and of course I sort of said yes because I didn't want to leave a woman like stranded on her own and I had a sofa she could sleep on so the

three of us go home she's on the sofa he and I are in bed it's getting heated it's getting sexual we weren't like having sex but you know it was building up to it and suddenly she comes into the room the woman that I'd let stay over and is like um uh do you mind if I join and before I could even say no she's stripped off she's wearing like full sexy lingerie and she's got in bed with us and she started making out with this guy that I was with he's well into it he's like kissing her and grabbing my boobs like at the same time. Now, of course, like little, you know, 18 year old, never had sex before me. He's just freaking out right now. Like, is this normal? What's going on? I don't want to have a threesome my first ever time. This is crazy. And he didn't know what to do.

didn't know what to do um so what I did was I just left the room and um just went and lay on the sofa freezing cold by myself because I didn't have the guts to kick them out heard her have a very big orgasm in my bed with the guy that I was supposed to be sleeping with and then she came out didn't say a word to me and just left and probably got a taxi home. He then came out and we had like the most tense, awkward, horrific conversation. I then went into my bedroom and slept in there. He slept on the sofa. He was gone when I woke up. Instead of me, you know, having a great first time experience with this guy that he really liked me and who I thought really liked me and who I really fancied I listened to him have sex with somebody else in my bed so yeah that's my worst ever one night stand story girls I love the podcast and yeah see ya oh babe see ya

my god sorry I must ask was it NYT we need to find out whether Joanne went everyone do you know did anyone ever do the National Youth Theatre? No. Trust me. Okay, so it's this thing, right? I had to audition about seven times to get in because I'm just actually shit at acting. Anyway, I'm over it.

I'm over it, yeah. But when you go, it's like this theatre course, right? And everyone, they get everyone from all over the UK, like you're all so different. It's sometimes the first time you've stayed away from home, you all in halls and at the end of the course you have this huge party and religiously everyone shags like it's like crazy I actually I think I did pull that night actually

brilliant like an orgy no no normally you'd just pick one I can't believe that happened to her actually quite flawed that that was your first That is enough to sky you for life. That's your first ever proper sex experience. And you think he's going home with you because you're all gonna I'm gonna finally have sex with this guy you've probably been admiring the whole course. And then he brings old

Sally in with her Asian provocateur on. Fuck Sally. Sorry, that's really nasty but like that's so not on. Also, it would be different if you all got home, you're sat around having drinks. The vibe is the three of you.

They've gone to bed, the two of them. And what, you just got jealous and thought I must join in? The worst part is, babe, Sally was on the goddamn sofa. And then she came and did a one-two and she got actually displaced.

Joanne. She hijacked the shag. She's a shag hijacker. And now Joanne's on the sofa. That's not right. Something one plus one does not equal two. Well, Joanne, well done. I mean, listen, if you were up for it, you should have, you know, stayed. Obviously, God love you. But the fact that you

weren't loving it and you left, power to you. Because, you know, someone, if you've never had sex before, you might just go, okay, well, maybe this is normal. No, I don't think that there are that many people that would just say, know, someone, if you've never had sex before, you might just go, okay, well, maybe this is... No, I don't think that there are that many people that would just say, okay, yeah, just let's continue as a three. I didn't bring you home, Sally. I was being nice and just being a girl's girl. Yeah, I thought I was doing another girl a favour.

I won't in future. Fuck the sisterhood, clearly, for Joanne. Clearly. I honestly cannot believe that. Oh, that man as well must have been cat that got the cream. Disgusting. Disgusting pig. Yeah. Seriously. I think that is so bad. Babe, I hope you lost your virginity well. I really do. Once it came for you, I hope it was a good time. Also, can I say I lost my virginity really late? If you're doing it late, don't just like,

if you've actually waited that long, don't just like willy nilly do it with some fucking dickhead that's going to shag Sally. Yeah, good for her for not doing it and for waiting. Like actually wait till it's worth it. Because like we talked about this before about losing your virginity,

about it is yours to give. And when you're young, it's like a race. and the one area of your life that you can afford to not make a mistake with is that when you're young because like it's fine if you don't feel anything towards it but like even when I did it and I was quite I was like 17 or 18 and my experience was horrendous and I know not that I like regret it because like you know whatever it's part of life's rich tapestry sure but i do think i could have probably saved myself that whole horrible situation of like feeling shit about myself afterwards yeah it can be avoided if you

just like don't rush and race i think yeah 100 i'm so proud of her for not doing it i mean fucking hell we've all had some bad one-night stands, but not that bad. Jesus Christ. I think if I was ever to do a threesome, though, to be fair, I'd want it sprung upon me like that. I'd want Sally to just pop out of nowhere. Do you do it? I actually can't think of anything worse.

Basically, you couldn't think of anything worse, really, than just having a good time with a guy and then someone popping up and getting involved, to be fair. No, but I think that generally about threesomes. If I was going to have a threesome, it would have to be two men. No!

Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio. I would never with two men because I just think, calm me arse, I'm both of you. I can tolerate one. I can't tolerate two. No, because they're not going to do anything together. So basically,

it should be two men servicing me. That's fine. Yeah. It feels a bit, and I might be wrong, I feel it's a bit like you're the object in the room if it's two men.

I might be wrong. But then I feel like if it was're the object in the room if it's two men. I might be wrong. But then I feel like if it was you and another girl, you'd be like constantly fighting for attention. Guys, market research. I'm the single one. I'll get out there and have a threesome. Great. Okay, good. Yep, good. I'm on it. Next one. Hi, Ellie and G. My name's Aidan. And you know what? I thought I'd tell this story. This is one of many stories I have with this guy.

Anyway, like I said, I've got a plethora of stories with this bitch. It's a man. Of course it's a man. For context, I'm 17 currently. This guy is also the same age as me. But when this happened, we were both like 15. So we've been hooking up on and off for a while. When I say hooking up, I just mean like a blow job in the school bathrooms. Yes, I know that sounds weird. It was weird when we did it.

But basically, it'd either be the school bathrooms or an alleyway by his house, not his house, by his house. So this time we were in the alleyway and he like messaged me after me being blocked for a month he messaged me because we walked the same way home he was walking behind me and messaged me being like do you want to go down the alleyway and me being the naive little bitch that i am i said yeah sure let's go so we go down the alleyway and we're making out and i mean looking back at it now he was literally a shocking kisser. Too much tongue. It was literally like someone doing Latin ballroom against someone doing the foxtrot,

which is a really weird analogy I watch too much strictly. Basically, I'm sucking his dick, right? And then I give him a handjob. And basically, he comes in my hand. Keep in mind, we're in an alleyway there's no tissues or anything and as soon as he sees his cum in my hand the bitch starts having an existential crisis literally physically like going no no no he leaves the alleyway runs home keep in mind one i'm standing there with my own dick out um basically, and with his cum in my hands.

And I have a bike. So I basically had to, like, cycle home with this man's cum on my hands. And when I tell you I've got a plethora of stories about this bitch, I have so many. I have about 10 years worth. Do with that information what you will. Yes, I realize that means I was hooking up with him

when I was seven. Seven. Not hooking up. He rules my first kiss and it escalated quicker. Anyway, I love you will. Yes, I realise that means I was hooking up with him when I was seven. Seven. Not hooking up, he ruled my first kiss and it escalated quicker. Anyway, I love you both. Aidan Joanne, you've got to send us some more voice notes. Sorry, the analogy about the foxtrot and the Latin ballroom

is so good because you know when someone goes in hard as if they're like really like their tongue is something to be reckoned with. They're swimming against the fucking English channel. There's no need. It's really too much. There's never any need.

I'll tell you the worst, is the slobber. Yeah, slobber is a lot. Where you're like a fucking Doberman dog, and I just think, contain yourself. Like Angus Song's Imperfect Snogging, and she pulls away, and it's just like spit. Bad. So bad.

Oh my God, Joanne three, what? Aidan Joanne. What a day at work. I've got same-ly stories about this little bitch. You fucking air that dirty laundry. This is the place for it.

I'm hoping you don't shag him anymore and if you still do, maybe you should stop. I'm hoping you're going to send us some more voice notes, babe. You are the,

please keep them coming. I'm sure the galleys want to hear it. What did he say? The naive little bitch I am. That's what it feels like. But you're just figuring it out. Like, I think it's okay

that he prematurely ejaculated in your hand and you cycled home holding it. Like, I just think that's jokes. No? No, I think it's hilarious, babe. Also, you're only 17. Don't worry about it.

You'll have forgotten about this in five years. No one will even know. Yeah, oh my God. You've started early. Get the good stories in. It's so good. Sorry, I'm just shocked about the fact that he was shocked that he'd come.

Like, what do you think is going to happen? You're going to fucking ejaculate glitter. Do you know what I mean? No, I think he was just like, oh, it was a bit early doors. I don't know that he knew. I thought he thought he could maybe wait a bit longer and then boom, it was in the hands. Sometimes that happens. Listen, it happens to

the best of us it happens all the you know me i i ride a um line bike sometimes and it happens aid and joanne please actually i love you i think you're hilarious i love you and i want all of them especially about that little bitch i want to hear them all right round up are you ready three joannes number one thank you just for being all three of you for being so open, honest, and truthful. Candid. Candid. That's what we like. This is a safe space.

Say whatever you want. So number one, the rimming. Okay. On the first date. I really rate that you said no. Yeah, me too. In future, I would actually say, if you're getting a weird vibe at the beginning,

maybe like address it before he asks you to fucking lick his arsehole. Do you know what I mean? If you're thinking he's not my type, but he's someone else's, maybe that's your indication to not bother. Babe, I think you should take your own advice. Those in glass houses, eh? This is the problem with the horn. What a gettle.

What are you supposed to do when you've got the horn? Get a vibrator. Kick him out and wank. Got it. Number two. Number two, star of the week. Threesome. Yeah, babe.

So, so good. I just love that you said no thank you and you walked away. Because that is wild. Like, you fully liked him and you thought you were going to lose your virginity and then he brought in another girl. Or not even, she just invited herself in. Yeah, also, babe, next time, I know this is like anti-sisterhood,

but don't let some random girl come and stay on your sofa. Especially when you're trying to pull. It's not the best. No, agree. Not the best tactic for when you're trying to get down to business with someone. Bring in a third party in. I still can't believe that. I can't believe that.

Imagine if you actually brought home a stranger, babe, and you were shagging Darren, and then this stranger comes in. I still can't believe that. I can't believe that. Imagine if you actually brought home a stranger, babe, and you were shagging Darren, and then this stranger comes, and I just think that is mental, and it's your fucking virginity. Full lingerie, that's what would get me. I'd have my M&S knickers on,

like, oh, for God's sake. That shows me that it was premeditated. Yeah, she wanted something. Yeah, she knew what she was doing, and she was coming up to you, oh, can I have a sofa?

And you fell. Soap ran your man's dick. Awful. Number three, Premature Jizzy. Premature Jizzy, Aidan Joanne. We love you.

We love you and we wish you all the best and we hope that you're not going out with little bitches anymore. But perhaps carry tissues. Listen, we've all been there. Yeah, and some hand sanitiser I would recommend just in general if you're out and about on one bitches anymore. But perhaps carry tissues. Listen, we've all been there. Yeah, and some hand sanitizer. I would recommend just in general,

if you're out and about on one night stands, hand sanitizer. You can never really go wrong. You never know what you're going to get on your hands, your fanny or your dicks. You just don't know. Careful with the hand sanitizer on your dick though. I don't know.

That might be bad for you. It might be nice. Dingling sensation. Very good. You could put it on their arsehole before you rim it. So you don't get any dingleberries, gooseberries. And we're back to shit. Please, if you loved this episode,

or you hated this episode. This one's hit or miss. Don't worry about it. Tune in next week. Might do something a little bit more PG. Sorry, mum. Maybe don't rate us this week, if you don't fancy it.

But if you did you know like us and you wanted to give us five stars please do if you're on a one night stand right now

or you're on your way home from one and you're listening to us then we want your voice notes right now and please leave us a message the link is in the bio

we're Ali and G this is your podcast for the galleys by the galleys we love your stories please keep sending them in goodbye love you podcast for the galleys by the galleys we love your stories please keep sending them in goodbye