Leave A Message with Ally & G - 64 -  That Moment When You Taste His Dad's Saliva?!

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

Welcome back to Leave A Message with Ally & G, the podcast where we tackle the biggest and most important issues in the world - from friends with benefits to sharing toothbrushes! On which note - the toothbrush saga continues this week, with a Gally who is fully supportive of G and shares the story of a one night stand that ended with the wrong thing in her mouth... yuck! Away from teeth cleaning, what would you do if your FWB randomly blocks you? Where's the benefit in that! It's clear that this boy needs to turn into man and learn how to ghost the old fashioned way. From revenge to oral hygiene... we have it all on this weeks LAM! Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1⁠⁠⁠⁠ (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠@allyandg⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠@allyandg⁠⁠⁠⁠ YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠@allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hi, I'm Tara Schmidt, a registered dietitian and host of On Nutrition, a podcast from Mayo Clinic where we dig into the latest nutrition trends and research to help you understand what's health and what's hype. There's a lot of wild stuff out there, so we'll be keeping it science-based, research-informed, and practical. Mayo Clinics on nutrition, new episodes every other week,

wherever you get your podcasts. Oh my gosh, Rohana's shoes. She's wearing a full camel toe. How the fuck do you wear that? I'm obsessed. What do you mean? Does your big toe go in that fit? Guys, Rohana is like the best of trendy girls. Like, she takes the best of trends.

Like, she's not generic. I always think that about you. Like, you're not a generic girly pop, but you take the best bits. You wear the trendy bits, definitely. Those shoes are phenomenal. So what toe is where? My big toe is in the split and then the rest of it. But does that not give you like a bit of sensory overload? No.

It's actually quite comfortable. I was going to say because think about those guys, those like, you know, wannabe Jesus men that wear those shoes to run in barefoot shoes. Well, well. The thing about barefoot shoes though is they're not separated like that. You can get barefoot shoes though, is they're not separated like that. You can get barefoot shoes. My voice coach at Oxford had a toe, a compartment per toe on his no shoes shoes, webs they were. This is good for you.

I know. An alignment and your spine. I mean, there are so many good things for you. I don't know that we need to be putting one toe into each individual compartment every day. What a waste of time. Yes. What does Josiah say? You treat your mouth like it's heaven's gate.

Why? Don't worry. You know? I'm confused. Like the body is a temple. That is awful to listen to. It's horrible. You know, like your body's a temple, but also live your

life. Yeah. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I've been thinking about this a lot. What? Who was hit by a bus? No, no, no one was hit by a bus. But you go on. No, just in general, just I keep having quite aggressive, you know, intrusive thoughts about sudden death. And I just think. Well, I've been thinking about this. I was thinking about this last night because you know, we spend a lot of time thinking in this. I was thinking about this last night because, you know, we spend a lot of time thinking in this life and like you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Do more doing. Right. But I was watching the Kardashians and you know this guy, everyone will know

who I'm talking about. I can't remember his name, but he's the guy that injects his son's blood into his body. Don't know that guy. You will know him. He's like, he was on Steven Bartlett. He's like the most youthful biological man. He takes his son's blood. But babe, like he...

How old's the son? Twenty something. And he's like, I think he... Rihanna has something to say here. Sorry, he reverses his age, basically. And I swear he drinks his own urine. Yes. But he has like a team of scientists.

He's basically like a scientific experiment, like a living scientific experiment. What's his name? I must look at him. What is his name? Like Benjamin Button. Kind of, yeah. I mean, to drink my own piss, I'd want to be pretty fit. Brian Johnson.

Sorry, and is he friends with the Kardashians? Well, I think it must have just like, he must have wanted some airtime or they must have wanted something from him because it was on the show and they went to his house for dinner. And he was like, before they sat down. Oh my God, I am listening. I just must have a visual ref whilst we do this. Oh, I've got him. Oh my God. He does look like a vampire. Right. Oh my God. He looks like Edward Cullen, but like a bit gone wrong. And like this is him before. Wait, how old is he? He's now... Because he does look good. Doesn't he?

He's 47. But his biological... Does he get Botox? I have no idea. Or is it all just internal? His biological age, if he maintains his progress, his biological age could be 69 by the time he reaches the chronological age of 80. So he's basically like his insides are functioning like someone 12, 11 years younger than him.

So will he technically live to 120? That's what he's trying to see, like see basically how long he can live. Like he, but babe, he- What do they eat for dinner? So they sat down for dinner. And he was like, every calorie that you put in your body has to have a purpose. No salt, no sugar, no pepper, no seasoning, no purpose. Why would you have seasoning?

Joy. No, no, he doesn't live by joy, baby. I know, but I just kind of think, isn't there this whole thing as well that joyous people live longer? No, no, listen, I definitely, definitely do not prescribe to his own thinking. You're not injecting kids' blood into your veins. But I just think it is fascinating to watch him. They sit down and Chloe's like, he doesn't drink and fucking Chris Jenner brings a bottle

of 818 tequila to his house. They sit down and Chloe's like, he doesn't drink and fucking Chris Jenner brings a bottle of 818 tequila to his house. And Chloe was like, that is the most Chris Jenner thing of all time. Anyway, they sit down and he's like, let's all have a shot before dinner. And Chloe's thinking, this is strange. What would we have a shot? It's an apple cider vinegar shot because that primes your stomach for food. If I went to someone's house for dinner and they were like, sorry, excuse me, here's your starter. And it was an apple cider vinegar shot. I'd be like, I'm not in good company here. No, no, no.

Then the meal is like dry, dry, clean meat, veg. Imagine, baby, you asking for mayo. He'd be like, that's got no place in your body. That's going to take a year off your life. Yeah, literally. Literally. He gets up. He like does this hyperbaric chamber every day.

Like the things that he does, listen to him on Steven Bartlett. He is, I don't want, you know, no defamation to Brian Johnson. He gets up, he like does this hyperbaric chamber every day. Like the things that he does, listen to him on Steven Botter. He is, I don't want, you know, no defamation to Brian Johnson. He's tapped. I have to say it. He's sounding a bit tapped. He's sounding like he could do with, I don't know, an orgasm or something a little bit fun. Do you know what I mean?

And I just think life's too short. I wonder how many hours he sleeps a night. You could get hit by a bus, Brian. But I don't know. Maybe that does give him joy. I don't know. by a bus, Brian. But I don't know. Maybe that does give him joy. I don't know. Maybe he is living joyfully. I don't know.

It's a social experiment, isn't it? I guess. Exactly. So it's kind of cool that he's dedicating his life to that. Who picked him to be the social experiment? Like did he go to the scientists or did the scientists go to him? He's got a lot of money. Yeah, he's got to have a lot of money to like...

Also, who signed his son up for it? Him. And his son was just like, cool, dad, have my blood. It's basically like you give blood. To be fair. But then he just like, it's like goes into him so that his cells get rejuvenated with young blood, not old blood. Yes. It's wild. Speaking of old blood, David Atzimbron.

What? Have you seen like a birth trip of his? Has he died? No, thank God. He's saying that this might be his last. David Attson Brown. What? Have you seen the birth trip of him? Has he died? No, thank God. I was just saying that this might be his last. He basically did this video that was like this doc, his new documentary that says as I'm nearing the end of my life.

I think David, you don't need to say that. We all know it, but you don't need to say it like that. The fact that he has worked. I know he does voiceover, but like it's hardcore. He's still on location shooting, you know, the odd social video. Yeah, is he? Do they fly him out? Yeah, on this new one, he was on location. Wow, that is incredible.

Also, everyone, I don't know if anyone knows this about me, I used to work at the Natural History Unit at the BBC, who makes all of David Attenborough's programs. And everyone that's ever worked with him says that he is like as good, if not better than you hope him to be. Oh I can imagine. The fact that he is compas mentis like that much at 99. You've got to use your brain.

That's why. I've been in the Brain Lady. Yes, the Brain Lady on Davina McCall's podcast which is called Begin Again. I need to listen to that actually. It's just like I've actually I haven't listened to the whole thing. I just like to see the clips on socials, but she had this brain lady on and I'm really sorry I've forgotten her name. Oh, brain lady.

We've forgotten your name. She was saying that if you basically people who go deaf and then don't get a hearing aid are 80% more likely to get Alzheimer's because you're then like everything just dies, like all of your because you'll then like everything just dies. Like all of your synapses to your brain just die. And she was like, your body really does work on a use it or lose it basis. So like that's why like weight training when you're older is really important. If you don't do it, your muscles will just atrophy.

And it's the same with your brain. Like we were saying the other day, no wonder we're so thick because we don't like, you know, think. I know. I've got to start doing some kind of like, puzzles. That's why I like to read, listen, read and listen to nonfiction because I just think at least I'm learning something. Yes, I know. Such a chore.

It's such a chore. It's such a chore, but it is a chore that I, in my opinion, is worth it. You have to have an active brain. It makes you a well rounded person as well. So boring. It's so boring to be well. It makes you a well rounded person as well. So boring. It's so boring to be well rounded. I'm literally two dimensional at the moment. I've got like nothing going for me apart from like

eat, sleep, drink, repeat. You know what I mean? That is it. I will. I just need to pick a good one that actually interests me. Or just read the newspaper. Oh, too depressing. No, I do. I go through stages of like really engaging with the news and then I like can't, I've got a very all or nothing relationship with the news. I just with the news.

I actually now just have it on in the background while I'm making dinner. Yeah. So that at least something's going in. That's when I miss driving. Because you would always catch it on the radio. You could listen to like Radio 4 and then you'd always get it. But now I don't really have the radio on that much. You could have a radio in your kitchen.

I know I do. I have Alexa, but like I just if I'm writing, I can't have the speaking. You have it when you're making dinner. Yeah, I could have the radio when I'm making dinner. Six o'clock news. Do you know who needed the radio? Who? The Spanish. Good as the outage.

The electric outage. Oh, this is what the girl yesterday was saying. Sorry, I literally was like, are you okay? Am I okay? Was it because of the floods? Well, they had floods, but they also had like the whole of Spain and France basically had no power. Like literally it was a nationwide power cut.

What happened there then? How long was it for? 24, 48 hours. Wow. We used to have power cuts all the time in New York as well. At home, we get them all the time. So bad. It's just so weird.

I never have them. You never have them in London? No. We used to have it where we would have half the village would lose power and half the village wouldn't. And there'd be like, mom would be texting everyone being like, have you got power? Have you got power?

And then you'd like go to the person's house that had power to like make your dinner. Community. Community. We don't have that here anymore. Well, it's funny because I was thinking that we actually do guys. London Marathon is a good example of the fact that we can do it. We just don't bother to. It's only like once a year when people are running 43k. Do you know what I mean? Like, why can't we be a

bit more community led in our everyday lives? I think in pockets of London, there are community aspects. You just have to really look for it. Whereas if you live in like a small village, it's thrust upon you. You don't have to look at all. Whereas in London, you have to actively look. You have to go to the groups. You have to go to the events because you're not just going to pass the same person in

the street every day when you walk your dog, for example. In waitress in Tesco. Whereas like in small villages, towns, you are going to have that. True, that's true. You're just going to keep bumping into each other. Honestly, you cannot get around to Sto Tesco. You can't do a full shop in Sto Tesco because it will take hours. Every aisle, if I'm with my mom and I loathe it because I dread every aisle I'm like who's it going to be on down this one and you stop and you

have to hear about their children and what they're doing for work and who got engaged and who died and who's new and what's new with them and then you go through the next aisle and then you do it again. It's endless. I will not go to Tesco with my mom when I'm at home. Far too much community for my liking. Yes. Yes. Shall we introduce the pod? Yes. Welcome to Leave a Message. This is Ali-Ange.

I thought you were going to say, this is Leave a Message. We are Ali-Ange. We are your hosts today and every week. Can you believe, guys, it's every week? Yeah, like we have this pod goes out every week. And we haven't had a week off.

I'm just about to say that. In what? Oh, since we started, we haven't had a week off. And people don't actually appreciate that because everyone else is out here doing seasons and we're not doing seasons. We're doing every week of the year. I know. Christmas, New Year, no worries guys. We've got you covered. Yeah, we will always be here every week with content for you. Okay. And also we want to make it known and Rihanna wants to make it known that the audio

issues that have happened recently are not her own, nor ours. Okay. And don't worry guys, we're as disappointed as you. And I felt bad like we'd gas lit the galleys because so many of the galleys were like, I thought it was my headphones. La la. It's sister. It wasn't you. You're fine. Anyway, sorry. Hi. This podcast goes out every week. It's Leave a Message with Ali and G. And this is where we listen to your voice notes and we talk about them.

We dissect and we advise. We open yet. Oh, we open up. What is that word? Opinate. Is that a word? I don't know, but I love it. We do that. And this week, I think the galley should be called Belle. She's fake. No one's got it. Like a high pitch ringing noise, guys. Oh.

Belle. With an E on the end. I think it's far fetched. To be fair, to Rihanna and I. Give me a better name. David. Atomra, babe. Okay, David. Fine. Let's name. David. Atomra, babe. Okay, David. Fine. Let's go for David.

Fine. Overruled. Hi, Elly and G. Love the podcast. So I met this guy through one of my exes and we randomly got in contact this one time through text and we mutually agreed that we could be friends of benefits, something casual if it ever came down to it. I asked him if it would just be a one-time thing and he'd block me after. He said no. So it was fine. Come months later, we went to a rave together. We went back to his and we ended up staying there for like six hours. And it wasn't just physical, like obviously we did a lot of stuff, but it felt more intimate

than just that. Even though he's very unbothered and nonchalant, it seemed different. It was very sweet. And we were cuddling, I even gave him a back massage. It was crazy. So, he also said that, this is probably a lie, but he also said that he has never finished before. And I managed to get him to that point with just head. So I thought that maybe it'd be different. I even said to him, you can never forget me now because I'm the first person to do that. Anyway, so it was very nice and we both didn't want a relationship. So I was okay with just being casual friends of benefits. I like to draw. So I offered him to, I offered to create

like a tattoo design for free. This is important later. The next day I asked to draw, so I offered to create a tattoo design for free. This is important later. The next day I asked to see him, but he made excuses, so I met my friend and said, and he called me a couple hours later and said, what are you doing? I said I'm out and he just acted really annoyed and just hung up. And then he blocked me later on everything except messages. How can he be mad when I ask him first? Anyway, the next day I get

a text, did you finish my tattoo? I ignored it because like what the hell? And he reset the message a few hours later. So I replied with, who's this? He said his name and then I put the laughing emoji and that was it. I left it alone for like two weeks, even though the situation was like bothering me a lot, but I decided not to beg him or anything. I just let it air out. Anyway, one night I gave in and I texted him, but he was being so unbothered and I asked him if blocking me was the plan all along. He said things happen and he had to remove people and that he was going to block me again after this conversation. So I removed

him first just to be petty. Five minutes later, I get a call and it's him. He tells me that I'm not going to get the last word and then he hung up. So I signed him up for Scientology spam calls and messages. Is there anything else I can do just to get a bit more out of the situation. Oh, sorry. My God. Why have I never thought of that? That is genius. I have never thought about signing up someone for the shittest spam.

Like that is brilliant. That is so petty and so good and so blameless on you. Like you could get away with that scot-free, because how would he know? How would he know? He'd think, oh, I must have given my number to someone. Someone. Sorry, has he got storage issues on his phone?

Why is he saying I had to remove people? What are you needing? Extra gigs? Are you worried that she's feeling that she's petty? No, she wants to be more petty. Oh, OK. Well, now you're talking. Yeah, she's like, what more can I do? Because it's irked me so much that he's had the audacity

to like, yo-yo about by the sounds of it. I mean, he was clearly Mr. Unavailable from the start and he told you that. But he hasn't been, he hasn't followed the rules of Friends with Benefits. Which is good, good communication. The first hurdle and Friends is in the title. So be nice.

Yeah. It's bare minimum. It's Friends. Don't remove your Friends when you're in need of extra contact storage. I reckon you could have 3000 contacts in there when you still wouldn't have an issue. An issue. Yeah. Sorry. Do you know what's hilarious? The fact that he didn't even, when he said,

have you got my tattoo, he didn't even like reply to it and be like, question mark. He just reset the same message. That is wild. That's shameless. I would never do that. I would never. I would never!

Also, like go somewhere else. How many tattoo artists are there in the UK? Like if that's all you wanted from me, you should have just asked me for a tattoo straight up. Sorry, had they been to a rave and then she was giving him a massage? I think so. That's wild. Wait, was it a rave, Rihanna?

Yeah. That's wild. I have never come home from a rave and fancied giving good head and a massage. You weren't raving hard enough, if that's what you were doing afterwards. Yeah, I couldn't have been doing. But the kids rave sober now. True. That is true.

So, you know, I guess if you've got the stamina. Oh, listen, I know that it's good to be sober. I'd be so tired. That's all by the by because you basically want to get some sweet, sweet revenge, but you want it to be petty girl stuff because he hasn't actually wronged you that badly. He's just been jarring and a bit disrespectful. Yes. So what can we do?

That's genius, the spamming. I love it. Petty shit. It's hard when you don't have an in. But they do have a mutual friend. That's how they met. The problem is the mutual friend has to be in too. And sometimes...

Sometimes people... The mutual friends might not be keen to play. So boring. You could put him on that website. You could sign him up. Red Flags of London or whatever it's called. You could put him on that website. Red flags of London or whatever it's called. You could sign him up for a dating app. I think that's fraud. This is the thing with petty things. You don't want to actually be doing petty crime. You don't want to be getting in trouble. Pooh in the post? I've said this a hundred times

before. You can go, I can't remember what it's called the website now. Pooh Express. Pooh Express. Thank you. Is it really? Yeah, you can pick your before. Yeah. You can go, I can't remember what it's called the website now. Poo Express. Poo Express. Thank you. Is it really? Yeah. You can pick your animal, cow, dog, sheep, horse, whatever the hell you want. You just send it and it comes, it's through the letter box as well.

So you don't, it's not, you don't have to sign delivery. That is wild. So when you open it, it's just pure shit in a letter. It's shit in a box. I'm not joking. And I was this close. And then I thought, I don't want him to besmirch my name. Yeah. And also I do think-

I've got a reputation to uphold now. That is horrible. Like I know that he's like metaphorically shat on you, but to actually send someone feces. Okay, I've got a good one. If he's got a car, you go and crack an egg on his windscreen like a couple. Yes. That shit is hard to get out. That's really just jarring, annoying stuff.

That's really good. Okay, you could not get the mutual friend involved, but you could just stay abreast of his movements. For example, if they were going to be at another rave together. Oh, you might find yourself. You might accidentally be at said rave and you might accidentally snog someone right next to them. Oh, you might do that. You never accidentally snog someone right next to them. Oh, you might do that.

You never know. You might fart next to him. Good. On the dance floor and then move away. You might. I don't know. If you don't want to send poo in the post, you could send a fart in the post. That's not real.

People bottle, go and look it up. People bottle up their farts all night. Does the smell actually stay? I haven't tried it, so I don't know. Well, that's your homework for this week. Okay, other things. The Lord of this is to do with like being at his house. So I don't know how this is going to work for you, but shit like hide his parcels.

You could just tell everyone that he'd never come before. Sorry. That's good. That's kind of mean, I guess. It's not his fault that he's a slow ejaculator. No, it's not. But like, that's kind of the only ammo. I've never met someone that has never, like, has he never even been able to help himself get there?

Especially a man. Yeah. Never. I just don't really. Maybe he's one of those guys that thinks his sperm's really precious and he doesn't want to let any of it go to waste. Maybe he has and he just said it. Maybe he meant, but he was a bit rave-y misbehaviour. Maybe he meant, I can never get there just from head alone.

And you've done it, sister. That exists. Yeah, and that exists. That is shocking to me. Why, because you're so good at giving head. Oh! We were talking about it and we were like, oh my God, it's been so long since I've done it. I actually wouldn't know the techers anymore.

Well, also, it's fascinating because, you know, I will try and, you know, not be so graphic. Please don't be crude. But I think, you know, there's different techers and different people. And wow, the spectrum is broad because I... You have to, girls, you have to adapt and overcome with every piece of equipment.

Correct. Because each piece of equipment requires different techniques. And sometimes the equipment likes, you know, the hanging parts included in the service. And sometimes they don't. The balls! What are balls? I think about balls quite actually more often than I should.

Do you? Because I guess you're around them quite a lot. Because I just look at them and I think they're just, more often than I should. Do you? I guess you're around them quite a lot. Because I just look at them and I think they're just, they're hanging off you. I haven't seen a pair of balls in, I'm embarrassed to admit how long it's been. Don't worry about it. It's nothing to miss. They are so, I always think like- I love them.

Everyday you just get up and you just like put them in your jeans. They just hang there. It's what? Imagine. Actually imagine. Just like hanging. Maybe when you're feeling sad about this guy, babe, just imagine. My new best friend at the gym said this the other day. Look at this girl. What's his name?

Keron. She has talked about Keron more than she's talked about her mum this week. That is BS. I bitched about my mum a lot this week. Because she was doing my head in. She was, Linda. Because she just keeps adding plans to her birthday bonanza. It's like you're 65, not 99 like David Attenborough.

Do we really need to have three parties for you? Also, she's a bit confused about the way that business expenses work. Oh, she keeps slagging us for spending on the business. She's like, why would you put that on the business? It's like, Linda, do you know that it's content creation? And I know what we do for a job like, listen, let Karen do God's work. You keep your nose out of the business's business. Thank you. Sorry, Karen.

Sorry. Karen was saying, you know, you look at people and you can think they have everything and you can think they're someone that you might want to be. You can envy them the way they look, the way they dress, what they do, what they've achieved. And he goes, they might not even wash their balls properly. And I thought, what an analogy. Damn right. And that is the truth. Well, also guys, this is a thing to remember. Everyone has a shit.

You know, you put people on a pedestal. Every single person on this earth... Kylie Jenner has to go to the toilet. Goes for a dump. I don't believe it. I know. I kind of don't. Do you think she takes a pill that like lets it out in a gold pellet? But this is what I mean.

Like it's easy to just be like, oh my God, they're so perfect. She goes for a dump and she's had diarrhea. Do you know what I mean? Everyone in their life has had diarrhea. So just like, you know, just... I wonder if there's anyone in the world that's never had diarrhea. Me. Oh yeah, God bless her.

No, I have had diarrhea. We will eat food that like is like, you know, quite obviously. Have we ever told you about the chicken poo? Sorry, guys. This is too much. I know my friend, Rach, listens to our podcast and every time we mention poo, she goes, I have to turn off. It's too disgusting. I know my friend Rach listens to our podcast and every time we mention poo, she goes, I have to turn off. It's too disgusting. It's just poo.

What's wrong with poo? I think poo positivity is great for women. Poo positivity! I love that! Julia McKee was the spearhead of that. Do you remember when she made people shit in Tupperware? No. Why? Because she was a nutritionist and she would check what was going on by their own. Oh, you mean I've done that?

A blonde lady back in the day. She used to be a nutritionist. I think that's what she does. I think we're mixing up the lady from sex education. Yes, you're thinking of Gillian Anderson. Yeah. Who just said Gillian Anderson? Gillian McKeith.

I think I did say Gillian McKeith. I think you said Gillian Anderson. Richard, what did I say? Okay, sorry, Gillian McKeith, the one that fainted on I'm a Celeb. Now I'm with you. Yes, thank you. Sorry if I said Gillian Anderson. No defamation to Gillian Anderson.

She doesn't look at people's poo. Gillian McKeith did. Anyway, what was I saying? That she made people's poo. Oh, this chicken poo. Sorry. Oh. That's what I was actually talking about.

Yeah, this chicken poo. We had this food in Marrakesh that I knew. On the first night. You know when you eat food that you know is going to go straight through you. Like you just know. You just know. Anyway, I managed to wait the evening without needing to go to the toilet in the morning. Hell broke loose.

It was just quite intense chicken poo. Quite severely like the meal I had just eaten. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Al had her chicken poo probably two weeks later. And she texts me going, just had chicken poo. And I thought, what the hell?

We've been back in the country five days. I remember it was the Sunday because we'd got back on the Friday and I still hadn't done it. And we've been like 10 days. Guys, this is why I feel qualified to talk about this stuff because I have done every single test that you can do in this country because I have done every single test that you can do in this country. I've done everything. I've seen every doctor. I've been on every medication and one of the things that I had to do, this is so bad. Right. So the first

thing that you do is you take this pill and it's got like markers in it and then so they can track how long it takes for you to poo the pill out. And it honestly took me something like 12 or 13 days for this 13 days for these tracked pills to come out of my system. Most people that would take two or three from start to finish. Did you have to look in your poo every day to check if it come out? Yes, I did. And it was like really like they were stars and they were like bright yellow.

So you would know. And every day I'm in the loo like this waiting, waiting, thinking I'm so my fucking body is so broken. Why has it not come out yet? Oh my gosh. The second thing I had to do, well then I did have a colonoscopy and like I fully did see the whole, guys it's fascinating up there. You can see the camera is so HD. You can see everything.

I've had my throat done, the nodules, but I've never had that. And the last thing, this is, I would say to this day, still one of the most mortifying things I've ever done. So what they do is you're in hospital, they like inject this like chalk, I don't know, chalky, like thick, claggy, goo consistency substance up your bum. They inject like a full tube of it. And then they, you have to- Does it feel like anal? Kind of, yeah. But the wrong way, because it's like, it goes so far up inside you. And then you have to sit on this loo yeah, but the wrong way. Because it goes so far up inside you. And then you have to sit on this loo, babe, but the loo is empty, it's glass.

And the doctors are underneath you, watching you shit this chalk out because they want to see. And then you've got all these machines, how you actually, like, help who actually leaves your body. And they're literally, babe, they're like this, and you're above them having shitting this chalky substance out and then like then there are all these senses like on you to see it's wild. There is no dignity left. No, no, no, no dignity. They are stirring up your ass while you shit.

You do that. Huh? You do that. Yeah. And then I had to basically I've got no I've got no peristalsis, which is basically like how your gut moves food along. Like my gut just doesn't squeeze itself. Like that's why it just takes so long. Cause it's just like so... It has to like let gravity pull it. Basically. Yeah. Does that affect your metabolism? Cause I feel like you've got quite a quick

one. No, I have a... That's what I mean though. I think I have a really slow metabolism. When I eat, it takes so long to come out of me. Like, I don't think anyone deeps. I will have sweet corn guys on a Sunday and it will come out the next Wednesday. Like, it's so dark. This is crazy and crazy how much we have diverged from the actual voiceover. Sorry.

Sorry. Maybe you could- We'll touch on it again in the roundup. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Because the galleys will have better ideas than us. Yeah. Yeah.

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That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N, Rakuten.ca. Before we continue with this week's episode of Leave a Message. If you want to be part of our group chat, make sure you leave us a voice note using all the details in the episode description. Now, this can be about anything. Obviously, sometimes we ask you for specific topics, but if you've got a story that you think girls need to hear this, then get voice noting. Okay, voice note number two.

Hi girls. So I was just listening to last week's podcast and I know I'm a little bit late to the party but I just couldn't bear to let Jay bear the brunt of the whole toothbrush debate especially after my antics last weekend or my performance shall we say. So yeah anyway I went on a date with this guy he lives in London but his family home is in my hometown so he came back here we went on a date it all went well is in my hometown so he came back here we went on a date it all went well we end up going back to his family home which can I just say is never a good idea especially when they've never brought a girl home before anyway I'm thinking it's late like we can sneak in I can sneak out in the morning get the

job done you know one of them anyway wake up in the morning it's all gone well and I asked him if I can borrow his toothbrush. Not something I would usually do by the way. In hindsight when I saw the array of toothbrushes I should have gone back to his room and asked him what colour his toothbrush was but I think the fact that his parents didn't know I was there and had snuck in, like I didn't want to make a big scene okay. I wanted to get my teeth brushed and kind of get the fuck out. And instead of going and asking him

what colour his toothbrush was, I thought I'll use my hangover logic here and I used the most wet one because he's clearly just brushed his teeth. So I pick up the blue wet toothbrush and proceed to brush my teeth with it. And about half an hour later, he's like, right, I'm just gonna go and brush my teeth.

I was like, what do you mean you're gonna go brush your teeth? Is it not a bit soon? And he's like, what are you on about? I've not brushed my teeth yet today. When I tell you, my heart stopped. Like genuinely, I was sick in my mouth. And I was like, right, okay, what color's your toothbrush? And he was like, black.

Is the blue one your backup toothbrush by any chance? He was like, no, no, that's my 64 year old dad's toothbrush. Maybe worse for his poor dad, he has to now proceed to use his son's one night stands toothbrush. Well, it doesn't end there Because I'm like right get me the fuck out of this house. He's like, what do you mean? You have to go and say hi to my parents. I Was like what he's that I've never brought a girl home before that you have to introduce

So I had to go in hanging out my arms Morning guys morning. Yeah, my name is yeah., nice to meet you all. Knowing that I just shared saliva with his dad. Yeah, I'm still recovering from that one. And anyway, I love the pod guys. Oh Queen. Wow. How would you feel about that? Really? Pretty sick. Yeah, I guess it takes away my defense of like, you've just had your tongue down their throat because it's like you haven't with the dad. And actually, I guess it takes away my defense of like, you've just had your tongue down their throat because it's like you haven't with the dad.

And actually I don't know about, you know, you never would. My dad's obviously old, but like my dad, like has no teeth, is all dentures. So like, we talk about her dad being old. Poor Martin, he's just out there trying to live his life. My dad, while he's almost dead. No, but my dad has to use like a kid's toothbrush now because he's got no teeth. It's just gum. It's like literally just gum.

Be real. No, no, no. I rarely see my dad without his teeth in, but it's quite the shock when you do. Really? How many teeth does he not have? Like all of them. I think he's got three teeth. My nanny's the same.

And she doesn't bother with the dentures. She just like, she just has no teeth. She just has, she's my nanny has cataracts. She cannot, she has to know. So I'm one of 15, so she'll just know who you are by like touching your body. No. She'll know instantly. And she really has no teeth.

She has like two or three and she just, you know, eats her food, like, just like, you know, on the gum. Yeah, I just think like with the dad, like it does just make me think of dentures. And I don't know whether that's wrong because obviously like 64, you probably don't have dentures. Like he's probably good. My mum's obviously got all her teeth. She's 65. So like, I don't know. It just, yeah. I think that even for me, might be a step too far. And even then, like if I was in a boy's house and I was trying to use his toothbrush, if it was wet, I'd give it a little dry.

At least a shake. Or I'd really hang it under the tap for a long time. I think no need to play Russian roulette with the toothbrushes. You know, squirt a bit of toothpaste in your mouth. Get some water in there. You know, wash it around and then off you go. Because it's too risky. Yeah. Can I just say, this has just reminded me,

and I actually, do you ever have it? Do you guys have a list of people you've slept with? Yeah, obviously. I think I forgot this guy, and I've just remembered him because of this voice. You forgot to put him on your list. I don't think he's on my list. That's so sad.

Do you know why? Don't know his name. I would just put like, you know, Mikanos man. Yes, exactly. I'd like to meet Mikanos man. No, no, no, you wouldn't. He sounds sexy. We went on a date in Cheltenham and it was the first day and we like had drinks.

I think we ate actually, I think we had food. I wasn't like that interested in him, but I'd just been through a breakup and I was keen for a, you know, a good time and adult sleep over. So he was like, do you want to come back to mine? I might have told you this story. I can't remember. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to, I like, let's do it. He drove us or maybe I drove us. Yeah, maybe I drove us back to his because I'd driven into Cheltenham for the day. We turn up at this bungalow and I'm like, edgy, you know, 22 year old guy living in a bungalow, kind of cool. Walk through the door. You know that smell of old people?

Like that's like so strong. It's his grandma's house. And there is like doilies everywhere, like ceramics, like all this stuff. And I was like, do you live with your nan? He was like, oh, well, she died. And he's been living in the house. He hasn't bothered to get rid of all the fucking, all the bits, pictures everywhere, like crochet everything. What did you, why? I just got in, got out. I just did my business and I left.

Wait, why? Did you ask him? Why have you not redecorated? Not really, because I think that meant it was quite like recent and I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know that I was in his recently deceased grandmother's house having sex with him. You wouldn't have changed the bed.

You had... No, no, no, it was a two bed bung. Don't worry. Two bed bungalow. I don't think we were in her bedroom. Granny was watching. You don't know that. Oh my God, maybe we were.

Maybe. Was it a big room? Because the master is normally bigger. No, no, it wasn't a big room. Okay, then definitely. You're watching. You're safe. Well, I was just thinking about, you know, the awkwardness of going to... No, the introduce yourself as well. That's wild.

I loathe and I know I'm good at it, but the idea of meeting someone's family parents in their home makes me sick. I hate it. I feel so awkward and judged. Hi. Everyone's looking at you funny. I've only had it yet. It is bad.

Awful. It is really bad. Especially if you and yourself know you're never going to see me again. Oh, if it's like one night stand territory. I don't know why he's bothered in this instance. My friend's sister once had it because in Cheltenham on Christmas Eve, there's this bar called The Retreat and everyone goes there on Christmas Eve and it's so busy and crazy and like I've actually had to stop myself from going because the hangover on Christmas Day is not right.

Too much. Too much. Anyway, one year, my friend's older sister, she was at the retreat, having a good time living her life, went home with a guy, didn't even think. Like, you know, when you're like that pissed that you kind of forget why you're out in the first place, she kind of forgot it was Christmas Eve. She woke up on Christmas day and downstairs they were all having their like salmon, bologna, champagne, and she had to say hello because they were all doing Christmas morning.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine. Why didn't he wake up? Can you believe? She wakes up, she's just like, oh my God, like, and he's like, shit, it's Christmas Day. So they go downstairs and they're all there. Get out.

She's awake either. No, no, no. Wow. That is dark. Isn't that crazy? Luckily, I think we're past the age now of us being in the danger zone. Because how many people do you know that live with their parents? Fingers crossed, not that many.

But like even still, you're going to have to meet them at some point. I even don't like it with a flatmate. If I like bump into a flatmate on my way to the toilet or on my leaving, I'm like, this is mortifying. And you know when you're speaking to them as you're trying to get your shoe on and you're like, you don't want to undo the lace and you're trying to wedge your foot in and you've never tried to be quicker. It's horrific.

I hate it. And I've got nothing to say. And I'm like, I know you probably heard me last night. And that's when you have to leave like literally at 7am, like under the guise of night. Oh, you have to leave like, you can't be if I hear a creak outside the door, I'm like, I have to get out. How do I get out of here? Got to get out of here. I was once somewhere I really shouldn't have been. It was a full, full, full house. I can't tell you how many people were in that house. And I literally, you should have been named

and shamed. I should have. You should have been walking naked through those corridors with everyone going, shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Just to teach you a lesson. Right. Absolutely right. But you got out unscathed. I got out unscathed. Still to this day, I am unscathed. Well, unscathed is strong. You talk about it all the time.

I don't think you're that unscathed. If you were not him, you wouldn't know. He won't be listening to this. He'll never listen to this. You wouldn't put two and two together. No. Never. Never. Should we do a quick fire roundup? Quick wouldn't know. He won't be listening to this. He'll never listen to this. You wouldn't put two and two together? No, never. Never.

Should we do a quick fire roundup? Quick fire roundup. Number one, get petty, baby. I love and everyone should take note of putting someone's number on scam list. Even better if you have their email address. Brilliant if you have their email address. Because that is ag. If you have their actual address, Brilliant if you have their email address. Because that is agg to unsubscribe.

If you have their actual address, like what can you send there? Some kind of annoying newsletter subscription that you hopefully don't have to pay for. Boys note number two, babe, thank you for sharing that story. And actually have we all learnt a lesson here that we should just finger rub and get out of there. Finger rub your teeth? Yes, thank you.

Yeah, sure. Okay, question of the week. Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay, lots of people saying, don't take revenge. We asked. Oh, come on. How would you get revenge on someone who ghosted you? Because I just think ghosting is the worst of the worst. Sorry.

You can't get worse than ghosting. It's so rude. I need to just say everyone's so enlightened. It's boring. No revenge. There's no point. Neg energy is not worth it. I mean, I kind of in my heart, I've elevated self-believed this too.

Yeah, but there's revenge and then there's petty revenge and petty revenge is fun. Yeah, good. Spam them with letters in the post. I'm liking this a lot. Sleep with their bestie. Very good if you can achieve. Piss on their car.

Piss on their car. Egg on the car is better because you can't wash egg off. Oh my God. Be the better person. Oh my God. This is good. Put a watered Crest seed in their car. Wow. That shit grows everywhere. That's amazing.

Brilliant. How are you going to get to their car? You can do the engine. The engine. The engine. The engine in the hole. Good. That is brilliant. That's amazing! Brilliant. How are you going to get to their car? You can do the engine. The engine. The engine as a whole. Good. That is brilliant.

Registering his interest with all gyms in the area of the Mormon church. All the Mormon church. I love that. I was just about to say, send some missionaries to their house. Yes. Guys, people are loving, don't waste your energy. So many of you were so enlightened. Go out there, live your best life. Don't waste energy. Forget they exist. Go out, live your best life. That is one thing that Chloe Kardashian taught us all, you know, with revenge body. Every single person wouldn't bother.

I would do nothing, leave it and move on. Put them in the graveyard. If they're ghosting me, I'm assuming they don't give a fuck about me. So I wouldn't bother. Good point. Like, listen, sisters, good point, obviously. Yeah, sure. Good point. And like, you know, on another day, ask us again. We'll say that. But just for today, humor us, you know?

Yeah, just humor us. But humor us. But no one will. The best that we can do for you and your petty revenge is what you've basically already done. So well done, sister. Yeah. Now maybe you have to move on

unless you can get with the best friend. That's it for this week, guys. Thank you so much for listening. And sorry about all the poo chat. And sorry about the audio problems. You better let us know if this episode's it for this week, guys. Thank you so much for listening and sorry about all the poo chat. And sorry about the audio problems. You better let us know if this episode's okay. Don't you worry, we'll be on James Goldwall's case no defamation.

God bless. He takes the brunt of everything. But you know, we maybe will give you his personal number so you can direct line him. I don't know. Please keep your voice notes coming. We love them and we're so grateful for them. We love you. See you next week.

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