Leave A Message with Ally & G - 8 - Is It Love Or Delusion? Romance Lives On!

Episode Date: April 24, 2024

Love in the 21st century is... well, it's not looking good bruv. This week Ally & G are diving into the inbox to answer your relationship dilemmas, and Ally reveals everything she has learnt from her long-term relo. Finding yourself in your feels whilst in an open relationship? Or, maybe you're worried that your date is going to be a serial killer? And, when does the romance truly die? All of the answers on the show that Taylor Swift officially declared should be a bigger podcast (or not). Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Just before we get started, just a trigger warning for everyone listening that this episode does contain themes of domestic abuse and violence. So if you feel like that might be hard for you to listen, just skip on this one. And we will see you next week. we started as always we've started with straight in at the deep end talking about trauma which is so on topic because the way that you have relationships with your parents in childhood can often inform the relationship the relationship that you choose to have when you're older. And that is true. You know, they always say... They say you date your dad. Yeah.

I don't think that's true of you, babe. You didn't date an eight-year-old man with a hip replacement. Sure. No, but they had a lot in common. That is true. My ex and my dad, a lot of similarities.

Personality-wise. Yes. Hi, welcome to Leave a Message. This week, we're talking about relationships. Come on, Ali Mack. She's in her own. I have expertise that I can finally contribute to. Yeah, if we're talking long-term, you are an expert.

I think expert is strong. I'm seasoned. I'm a seasoned professional. You're probably semi-pro. 100%. If it was footy, you'd be earning a salary, I'd say. I don't know if it's my anniversary this Friday or next Friday. Oh God, she's just had a panic. How many years? What's the date today? It's next Friday. Next Friday. What are you doing?

Bow. We're going to... Bone Daddy. You booked somewhere. I booked... I'll tell you. Okay. Here's the opening segment. I said to Roar, do you want to do something nice for our anniversary and he went yeah what do you want and I was like I want you to tell me what to do I also want you to book it and sweep me off my feet but I won't ask for too much that's the one thing about Raw love him he probably he won't listen to this but he'll have to I'll have to run this past him so he sadly will have to approve this I love you with all my heart but sometimes I just think take some initiative. But he'll be like, oh, but I wouldn't...

Sorry. Sorry. I just had a very visceral vision of him spitting out that lasagna. Is it so hot? We were at dinner the other day and Rory had cooked for us. It was really, really lovely.

But they were sat next to each other and I was opposite them like, because I'm the kid. And Rory was the one who had just taken it out of the oven. So he knew it was hot. And he took this big old spoonful of lasagna. He'd been waiting for ages to eat it

because we'd been fanning around doing a TikTok live. Anyway, puts it in his mouth and he just goes, oh! And just leans forward and just spits his whole mouth and goes god that's hot and ali honestly just looks at him and goes that's really nice it's really nice and it just carries on oh good bless him get him to anniversary dinner just said, why don't you book something?

Wouldn't that be nice? And then he went, well, why don't we go and stay in a hotel? And I said, that's a stupid idea. Why? Because, babe, we live here. No. And we don't want to go and spend money. No, I disagree.

We live 20 minutes up the road. Disagree. Disagree. My main relationship issue, sorry, let's treat this as my version of therapy for today, okay? My therapist is away in the next two weeks. Oh dear, we'll all be paying for that. I said to him on Saturday, you're being difficult.

And do you know what he said? I need to speak to Georgina privately. We'd been doing this TikTok live, right? And I said to him... He wanted to book me in for a session. Yeah, and I said to him, come over and say hello. And he was just being a bit funny because he doesn't like to be in the public eye. He always says it's your... The public eye, for God's sake. That, and I said to him come over and say hello and he was just being a bit funny because he doesn't like to be in the public eye.

He always says it's your... The public eye, for God's sake. That's what I said to him. I'm not asking you to get out there on the Wembley Stadium stage. Like, get over it. Anyway, and I said to him, why can't you just be less difficult? And he was like, I need to speak to Georgina. And she was in the room and she's your business

partner and I feel like she'll have a more objective view and I was thinking to myself, no, she fucking won't. She's going to take his side. As always. I don't always take his side. Tell me the last time you didn't take his side. Well, if he didn't book you something for your anniversary,

I'll be taking your side. Well, because then I booked axe throwing. Oh, for God's sake. This girl and her anger management. She says to me this morning, I've had a horrible night because there wasn't any recycling for me to beat up. Sorry, I don't know how healthy that is, but okay. What are we paying your therapist for?

Because the therapist, my therapist says, you must find a way to put it somewhere. And rather than like, you you know like actually breaking like things that matter i might as well break my recycling which is going to go in the recycling bin anyway yeah no i agree it's nice so ax throwing romantic so if you've all wanted a sexy hotel you went ax throwing i'm on rule side see how am i meant to be on your side what is that what is it i put a nice dinner fine at duck soup and then i well, why don't we do an activity? And I know why he wants to go to a hotel,

because he wants to get sexy. I agree. I agree. See what I mean? You've got to get sexy once a year. And I said, why can't we get sexy at home? And he said... Good point, but it doesn't feel the same sometimes. Babe, and I'm telling you now, we won't get sexy because we'll have eaten so much food. So I said, we will have wasted all that

money on a sexy hotel. No, but you but you babe you're getting it all wrong listen you get a hotel with your man your woman whoever it is you open the door you check in three four that's when you get sexy straight in champers on ice prosecco whatever it is you get really sexy hardcore you stay in there till like eight then you go for dinner then you don't touch them again until maybe the next morning maybe with a breakfast in bed

do you know what I mean maybe but you definitely don't do post dinner well maybe we could still do it listen maybe you could

hotel Axthro dinner very good so how long have you been together 7 years it will be 7 years

next Friday at that axe throwing bar it was seven years shock on poppy's face she's like wow i know it is shocking no no babe you're right to be shocked it's honestly a god's honest miracle i don't know how he's drugged or drunk i don't want to stay with you for seven years it's a lot i've got no i know i'm joking about like not being an expert i've got a lot of things to say and to recommend and advice to give on how to like push through the tough times because i do often think in relationships i'm not talking about like leaving a relationship that's not good for

you because that's this whole separate topic but a lot of the time in your mid-20s relationships are really hard yeah there's a lot of teething. And if you love someone enough, you can push through. And like, just find somewhere else to put your anger, like the recycling. Yeah.

And also, I guess it's like, what is general just, friction, and learnings, and what are actually issues? And that's what G taught me. And that's what-

Did I? Yeah, because I think that you, because I think that the way that you like handled the ending of your last relationship like gave you some finality about like what a relationship needs to be for you yeah and like not very many people have that come to jesus moment they just like bob along because it's easier to just bob along yeah i wasn't fine bobbing along very easy by the end i was finding bo it quite tricky. She was drowning, actually. The current's strong.

No, but babe, what you did in that relationship was decide what a relationship cannot be for you. That's also really important. 100%, and sometimes you need those relationships, and I had never been in a long-term relationship prior to that one, and I wouldn't even say that was long-term in comparison. We were together for, like, what, three and a half years? That quite long term the girls are like sorry Poppy what's your longest

relationship um I would say six months but situationship three years yeah stop yeah you must not do that listen I, I was young, okay? Yeah, right. And it was just on and off. No labels. Listen, he still, he texted me last week. Do you know what I mean? And I'm over it.

No, don't encourage it. Sometimes that's exactly what you want and need, Poppy. I'm just saying. What? Someone that you know, you're familiar with. Semi-reg.

You can't have a semi-reg for three years. I'm sorry to tell you. But don't worry, everyone. She's young anyway. Did you hear her? Annie's ugly. He's so ugly. You can't have a semi-reg for three years. I'm sorry to tell you. Not a chance. But don't worry, everyone. She's young anyway. Did you hear her? Annie's ugly. He's so ugly.

I hope you're listening. He's so ugly. Why have you done that then? I don't know. Ask 16-year-old me. Also, there's no rhyme and reason to who we love. Also, it doesn't matter, babe. She's not even past the legal smear age limit.

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But babe, you are cooking. It's absolutely genius. And also, it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at because there's variety from HelloFresh. There's so much choice. Come on. You can get 10 free meals at hellofresh.com slash free Ali G applied across seven boxes. New subscribers only varies by plan. Applied across seven boxes, new subscribers only, varies by plan. That's 10 free HelloFresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com slash free Ali G. You're welcome. Let's move on. I think it might be voice note time.

Shall we get a voice note? Yes. What are they called this week, babe? I think it's your turn. Oh, I don't know. Go on. Oh, I know. Mel.

Because we're both dressed as the Mels from Spice Girls today. Sorry, I'm Scary Spice. I'm Sporty Spice. And together we are Mel B and C. Hi, Ali and G. I really like the podcast. I've been listening for a while now. Congrats on 1000k on TikTok. So I have a really interesting relationship story drama. It might be a long one. I started seeing this guy about five months ago. He's really into like open relationships.

He'd been in polyamorous relationships, like ethical non-monogamy, all of this kind of stuff. Just come out of a four-year relationship. I was like this is quite hot it's quite sexy I really like this um I've always been into like different types of relationships and especially like I mean I'm only 24 um really cool anyway so we did the open relationship for a bit or like we just dated see how everything's got and then after Christmas I got a bit in my feels got a bit upset and he was like it's okay I'm gonna be monogamous to you so he was pretending to be monogamous, really upset about it. Was like, oh, I'm not sleeping with other people, really sad. Come to find out after his birthday that he had a girlfriend of four years.

And yeah, we confronted him together. And it was all very intense. But what you might not expect is him and I confronted him together. And it was all very intense. But what you might not expect is, is him and I are still together. He's still with his four-year girlfriend who he hasn't had sex with in over a year. And I'm also now dating my landlord's nephew as well. Not really sure if I want any advice.

I'm getting lots of advice from what I call the sounding board, which is like my parents and my friends and lots of different people in my life. And they all think I'm batshit crazy. So yeah, I thought it might be a fun one to talk about on the pod. Yeah, love you guys. Have a good afternoon. Bye.

Love you, Mel One. Can I say something controversial yes I don't think she's batshit crazy I think she's quite batshit crazy good loved go on then

like oh careful not to get cancelled no from the non-monogamous community Miss Monogamy herself no no no. Do whatever you want. Like, live your life.

Like, you know, be polyamorous with as many people as you feel you need to. Unless it's coming at a cost to your emotional world. If you're feeling sad, like if you already,

if you already know about yourself, you want monogamy. And then you're shagging and dating someone who is not into monogamy and he's then you make him be well you don't make him but like then he says he'll be monogamous and then he's like gaslighting you for the fact that he's monogamous it's like red flag babe I'm sorry wake up yeah well it sounds a bit like they had a bit of a crossroads like all of that was really bad. And then as soon as they found out

about the girlfriend of four years and confronted him, and then they, like, you know, I don't know, had like a kind of like realisation that actually they wanted to be non-monogamous and have other partners and all of that stuff.

Then now it kind of sounds quite good. But is it good though? Because I don't think she's like good. Rihanna, have you got something to say um i think monogamy is key it's the key to happiness especially if you're oh my god especially if you especially if you're a jealous person i just realized what i'd said but no it's true if you're a jealous person you shouldn't be in a polyamorous relationship i don't think it's built for jealous people babe i actually 100 agree with that that's what i'm saying monogamy is key if you if monogamy is key in your life do whatever you want if you're happy yeah to lie next to someone who's also out

there shagalagging you do you But like, if it's not working for you and you feel annoyed about the fact that he is shagging other people, babe, red fucking flag. Red line. And I'm just going to pull you up on your fucks because I've counted. It was only two, actually.

No, because you did two earlier. So that's four. Yeah, and it's going to slip over into another hand. I'm sorry. I'm just going to call you out on it. It's time to bring this swear jar back. Yes, please. Swear jar.

We did say no swear jar here. Yeah, no swear jar. I know, no swear jar, but you're every other word now, Ally Mac. Everyone's on my back about my swear, and I'm just trying to give a girl some advice about me. I don't actually think, I think moving forward,

if everyone's honest and she knows about the girlfriend of four years and she's now also sleeping with someone else, don't forget the landlord's nephew, now we're really getting into the good stuff. Now everyone's playing in their own lanes and I like it a lot. The thing I struggle with, with polyamory, is when one of the parties is out and about,

having a good time, living life, and the other's getting nothing. But that's my point. That doesn't quite add up to me. In that situation. Potentially, they might need to go on a freeze ban together. But my also other issue is that he... Okay, sorry. We've actually glossed over two things.

Number one, I hope you're getting free rent. Also, sorry, I don't even know who my landlord is. How did you, like, find his nephew you like find his nephew maybe he has a nephew that you could shag and get free rent and then you wouldn't need to move babe over the moon if we could sort that out that would be good let's put that in our to-do i could have manifested that yesterday i didn't even think about that idiot i didn't even think shag for rent silly bitch number two he fully lied yeah that's really sorry lying is bad like not lying is key not lying truthfulness is quite key in a relationship okay this leads us on to something very interesting she's got to get move her body to talk about the chubby boobs in place

um would you would you be able to come back from a lie like that? I'm monogamous and I've got a girlfriend of four years. Babe. Absolutely not. That's what I mean.

She's batshit. How can you trust anyone ever again? Mel, what? You're batshit. Like, lots of love to you and like, if you can do that and not be traumatised for the rest of your life,

good on you. But I do think we can be quite black and white in our thinking and Are you okay? No, no. No, no. Not okay. Ever.

Especially when it comes to relationships. Clearly that's why I'm single. I just think like, you never know what's going on behind closed doors and if someone does make a mistake, I don't think it always has to be like, red flag, you're done, never see you again. Guys, sorry, am I in the same conversation?

If someone lied to you and said, I will be monogamous with you. Yeah, no, actually, sorry, it's really bad. FYI. Maybe I wouldn't get back with him. That's what I mean, she's batshit. Babe, don't be doing that. There are lots of other people out there.

Go on, Naked Attraction, there was this man the other day who was a solo. Sorry, why did be doing that. There are lots of other people out there. Go on Naked Attraction. There was this man the other day who was a solo... Sorry, why did I think they decommissioned Naked Attraction? Yeah, you've been

spreading false... I spread that fake news. False information. Yeah, you spread it like wildfire. And she told Josh Whittakin and Josh Whittakin was like,

oh my God. He was heartbreaking. And now... And it's not even true. It's fake news. I might go on it. Good. Good. Good.

I've got no chance of leading with my labia. I've got no chance. Well, but the feet as well are going to be a bad story too. Yeah, the feet and the labia. Feet. My knees look like two chubby children. And then my labia, imagine. Oh, I'd be out for the count.

They wouldn't even see the chubby boobs. Never get to the cheps. What are you going to say about my boobs? There was this girl that DM'd her the other day. Oh my God, this is so good. You tell her. So at the moment, I'm kind of on my like, you know, self-love body positivity journey.

And I'm obviously a fitness instructor and I get very hot very easily, even when I'm feeling quite fit and fresh. For some reason, temperature rises so quickly in my body. Anyway, so I'm really having to train in a sports bra always. And I wrote this post about how I'm struggling to wear a sports bra, but I'm going to do it anyway because I'm hot without it on, blah, blah, blah. And I was talking about, like, I guess my body in general, I don't know,

and I posted a picture of me in my kind of like sports bra and leggings. No, it was like being in a sports bra is really difficult. Yeah, and like, you know, just- Just like a general note on body. General note about body and how we should think about what it does rather than how it looks. That was the general vibe.

And this girl. This cheeky, cheeky bitch in my DMs. Sorry. She slides in and she goes, what did she even say? I might need to get it she said something like oh um don't worry about the chubby boobs yeah or like doing it for the chubby boob girls yes that was it that was it and i thought i haven't mentioned my boobs babe and i also feel quite confident about my tits at the moment but thanks do they look chubby so I go back I'm zooming into the picture I'm like can you see

the tube no also I did say babe lots of love to you but I don't think you're qualified to make those jokes it's okay you know it's like that thing in mean girls when it's like it's only okay when I make that joke yeah it's only okay when I say it it's not funny otherwise it's loved ones or blood otherwise I'm not having anyone say anything about my jabs no babe um mel one yeah you must realign what you want in your life because i'm not gonna i don't want to speak for you but i don't think you want a lying toad it sounds a little bit like Mel one actually might be a bit dick drunk. And I think she might be really into it. And as she

said, it's exciting. It's good stuff. Go on, Pops. You got it. Digmatised. Good! Digmatised. I did see this from another podcast, but Digmatised. Digmatised. That's what it is. It's like, oh, you're showing me the Emerald City

of shagging about and still having someone to call a boyfriend and all of this stuff. I don't think that's Emerald City. For me personally, I obviously can't speak for everyone. Oh, for me, it's my worst nightmare. I'm the most jealous person in the world. Me too. Okay, maybe not the most.

You might take first place. Yeah, probably I'd take first place. But people paint it out to be this magical, wonderful land. first place. Yeah, probably I'd take first place. But, people paint it out to be this magical, wonderful land. Actually, she says she takes first place.

We were having this conversation the other day. Apparently, our raw, our raw, is allowed a stripper on his stag. And I thought,

no he's not. And I said to him, I looked him in the eye and said, father of my children isn't getting a stripper on his stag. And she was like,

what are you going to do with him? And he was like, oh, get the ones with the big chebs. She was like, I actually think we need to take you to hospital. I was like, I think you're disgusting and you will not father my children. Your obsession with chebs is actually a bit alarming now. It's really bad. It's bad. No, I wouldn't get jealous because he's not bathed.

The difference is, whatever, a stripper is for, I'm only talking on a stag do, okay? It's one night thing. Not on a Friday. Not on a stag do okay it's one night not on a friday not on a friday after axe throwing no strippers there you're not like emotionally or like physically involved with them yeah i get that like they're an object that's an awful thing to say but if you're hiring a stripper you're looking at them like an object that's mainly the problem i have with it that's i'm taking that away like that's not polyamory polyamory yeah very different it's like emotional ties to more than one person how i could that's why i could have a threesome we were talking about this two weeks ago i can't do it because

all i would be able to think about the fact is that he likes her more than me yeah fuck that good luck male number one. On to male number two. Good morning, galleys. Congrats on 100K. Very proud of you both. Been a long-time supporter of the Chan Chan. Just had a quick question about relationships. I am a girly on the autism spectrum and I have rug rat hobag social skills,

which we love. We move. I think that if a boy holds open a door, that means he is lovely and would never ever try to hurt me. And anytime I go out on a hinge date, my friends get uber worried about me and always have my location

and so far they have been right to do so. So any kind of advice, things like that, how to notice if someone is a serial killer, etc. That would be great. And more travel vlogs, please. Have a lovely day.

Love you and God bless. God bless to you, Mel too. God bless to you. More travel vlogs. Okay, I like it. Got to go away. Got to find some moolah lah or a brand to take us,

but I'm on it. I'm working on it. I must pick away. Got to find some moolah-lah or a brand to take us, but I'm on it. I'm working on it. I must pick up on the serial killer point. I was having this very conversation with a friend this morning. She's been watching

this new programme. I can't remember the name of it. It's not very good, is it? Apparently, it's like one in four relationships involve domestic abuse that can lead to murder. Not one in four is murder but that's the like spectrum

so that you walk past like something like 76 serial killers in your lifetime like on the street you'll just walk past like in your whole life you will fully walk past 76 see not just like oh they just killed one person not just like accidentally murdered their mum. Like just ride them over. Like serial killers. That can't be right. Go and look it up. Where are they living? That's what TikTok said. You're not getting that in low as well.

Where I'm from. Thank you very much. Babe, you don't know that. Ted Bundy was from a small village. Good point. I'd also like to say, I don't know, Mel, too, that being on the spectrum makes it harder.

I think a lot of people are clueless about whether someone's a serial killer, whether they're good for you, whether they're going to break your heart. I don't think you can ever see those things in the moment. You can only really see them looking backwards. So, babe, I want to reassure you, like, if someone held the door open for me,

I would also think they were in love with me. I'd be like, lovely man, you're coming home with me yeah when we get married how many children we have husband material but it's not always true and also this is the thing about relationships that i've really noticed right genuinely what would you say year two three is when you really start to get to know someone properly i wouldn't say i i would say i only trusted ralph like i mean like 100 in its totality five plus years yeah because you knew him i've got serious trust issues today yeah she's probably extreme i reckon after like two or three you can start to feel like i know them and i can predict your movements and exactly. I kind of know how you're going to react now in most situations.

And I can like move with it. Like it's not going to like change all the course of our relationship. You could be with someone for a year and you've never seen them angry. I think,

babe, say it again. Do you know what I mean? Say it again because everyone's getting married in six months these days. It's absolute fucking madness. I'm sorry.

Listen, the longer the engagement, the longer the wedding. That's the marriage. The longer the wedding. Let me try that again. The longer the engagement, the longer the marriage, apparently. Well, duh, because if you jump in

and you really, you can't trust anyone, okay? Al, we'll come back to this point every single time it is the truth you don't you're right like you don't know people you don't know them and like this is why you want to go back to the domestic abuse point babe people can hide parts of themselves for years and you could be living with like a full-on sociopath they could hide it for you from you for five years and you wouldn't know no because this is the thing as well like you can't be expected to notice behavior in someone that you're falling in love with like rose tinted glasses is a real thing

they're digmatized digmatized thank you no no it is the thing and like now when you come out like off that's what happens talking about melby actually sorry oh i know babe have you heard her story well only through you she you know she was like horrifically domestic like horrendously domestically abused she's written a book she's gone on tour like all of the proceeds have gone to domestic abuse charities she was horrendously domestic abused and she was like you get to a point obviously this is a really extreme case, but where you honestly like, they basically change your mind

and like your neural pathways to genuinely believe that like it is your fault and like what you've done is wrong and like you do deserve it. And it's like, you can hide something, hide something.

They had kids together. Hide it, hide it, hide it, hide it. Then you're eight years in and then he starts hitting you. So bad. And also, like, he became with her. He became her whole echo chamber. Well, that's what happens.

They isolate you. He isolated her completely. And then, I mean, good for her. Now she's going to Wembley. Do you know what I mean? Getting out, she's getting about, she's living her life. Was that real?

What? That Harry Styles is the fifth Spice Girl? Well, I don't know. That was just the poster. Someone in this building must be able to get us some tickets to that. To the Spice Girls?

Feet Harry Styles. Are they coming back? I think Ali Max saw this. but I have no idea about this Harry Styles thing. No, I don't know where Al saw it, but I then tried to Google it

and nothing came up. Go and look it up. Spice Girls and Harry Styles. No, babe, I looked it up and nothing came up. I don't know where you saw it. Are you sure you're not Spice Girls and Harry Styles. No, babe, I looked it up and nothing came up. I don't know where you saw it. Are you sure you're not getting confused about Girls Aloud?

No, babe. I know. That is so fucking rude. I know. But you know, they're coming back. I know, we're going to see them. Promise I made. Promise I made.

Yes. Started to shake. Started to shake. Babe. Good. I love that song. Something kinda, ooh, jumping on my, toot, toot.

Someone Google Spice Girls and Harry Styles. It's not real. Rihanna, is it? Yeah. Oh, suck a dick, everybody. Suck a dick. I'm not sure if this is news source. Is the news source TikTok?

Is it the Daily Mail? It's Entertainment IE. No, that's quite legit. Okay, fine. It does sound like it's happening. What, and he's going to be posh, is he? Yeah, because posh doesn't want to do it because she's so stuck up. Sorry. No, posh doesn't want to do it because she doesn't eat.

She'll be knackered. Imagine. One grilled fish and a broccoli. She'll be like, oh, I can't do the two-step, Mel. Jesus Christ, can't hit that note. Got nothing in me. No, but also, babe, going on tour is hard work. She doesn't need to work. She's married to David Beckham.

Yeah, she's having a good life. I drive past her house frequently at Soho Farmhouse and I always think, well, what a place to live. No, just the point about, like, not rushing in because they could, you know,

be a serial killer or a domestic abuser. Yeah, I think it's really hard because you don't want to second-guess yourself and and when you're looking when you're dating with intent to then be in a relationship you do automatically have a kind of checklist of things that you would really like in a partner do you know what i mean and you're looking for them and as you should but at the same time you need to you need to let someone show you themselves and the only way you will do that is through time and through loads of different experiences.

Also, actually, that's a really good point. You know, when you have those things that tick off, but then someone... I actually always say, stay away from charming men. Charming when they're so charming. I love charming men. Because then they make you forget what you... Like, if they don't tick all your boxes,

but they're so charming. You forget. Yeah. And that's what like the charm offensive does. And that's why I don't, I like, I don't, you know,

this is really general, but those are the kinds of men that can charm you into kind of doing what they want. And I don't really love that. Poor Ro. He's charming. I wouldn't say, but when I,

like when you meet him i don't think the first word that you would use about him is charming yeah well also he's not a peacock right he's not working a room to make sure that everyone knows where he is and that he's in the room and he's interested in them also i do like an onion in the book he's an onion yeah i do like oh i love an onion you know what i mean but You're disappointed when you get what? An orange. Charmers are not. Satsuma. Charmers are not onions.

Because like, they have to tell everyone how wonderful they are. Stay away from them. Seriously, like dog turd. Okay, what would your like top tips be for genuinely? Yeah. I would say seven years counts as long lasting, to be honest.

I know people do decades, but you know, this time in our life, seven years counts as long lasting to be honest i know people do decades but you know in this time in our life seven years is a really long time what are the top tips okay the number one top tip is learn how to fight well and get over it well you cannot be with someone if you constantly hold grudges in an actual long lasting really if you want it to last you can't be keeping scores or keeping chits and i've only really recently learned this because i can be quite like petty who does that serve it's not serving you and it's not serving them and it's definitely not serving your relationship find a way and i was talking to my mom about this about the other day raw does have very good

conflict resolution because we can fight but we can't go to sleep on an argument. So we will sit there and talk it out. It takes us five hours to get to a resolution which means that we can eventually then move on. Find a way to do that. And if you're with someone who doesn't want to do that, that's a problem. Because then all that happens is resentment. Resentment is the the killer and i think that's key isn't it it's like when you when you fight and when you come to that resolution it's almost like there's a trust that there is a resolution and that doesn't then get brought up in two days two weeks time and if it is something that's recurring because i think they say that a lot don't they in

relationships most of the fights are the same fight. Yes. Like fundamentally what you're arguing about is probably the same thing, just a different iteration. So it's like, how do you come to a place where actually that one has been put to bed and the next time we argue, it will be either about something different

or because I felt differently or because it impacted me differently and it will almost be about something different or because I felt differently or because it impacted me differently. And it will almost be to better us. It's not to like bring us down and to ruin it. It's to make everything better. Like it's a positive thing. Like don't make it death by a thousand cuts. Death by a thousand cuts is like...

That's how I died. It is because there's really, like you can't go back and trace the first time that that thing happened and it wasn't resolved. If it was resolved in its totality, even if it then kept cropping up, you can trace it back. That's my number one thing.

My number two thing is you gotta laugh. Yeah, good. You've gotta laugh. If you're lying next to someone every night that doesn't really, you know, make you laugh when you cry or like can't crack a joke when things are really shit,

you're with the wrong person because that's what life is about, you know? Like they're your partner for, if you are with that person for life, you better well make sure that you're having a good time. Yeah. Because like, otherwise, what's the point?

It shouldn't be hard. It should be, you know, you should be able to get through the hard times, but the large majority of it should be quite easy. If you're with the right person,

it shouldn't be like bashing your head against a wall every day. And then I guess number three is the whiteboard that's actually quite a good one yeah I wasn't joking find a way to communicate especially when as you get older maybe when you live together find a way to communicate it's only going to get worse when you get married and have kids and everyone has a job and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Find a way to communicate your division of labour

in a way that is not aggressive. Or naggy. That's me. I'm super naggy. And that was becoming a big, big problem for him, as it should be, because all he gets when I nag him is, I'm not doing good enough. I'm not doing enough. Well, let's remove the verb, like the verbality of it and put it on like a neutral space. So then this whole thing about the whiteboard came.

So basically what you do is you have a big whiteboard and you've got to put it somewhere that you can both see every single day. You've got to have eyes on it every single day. And we have like four sections. So I'll have the whiteboard is divided into two, Al and Roar. And then each of us have an urgent column and a non-urgent column. And divide up all the household boring things

that need to get done. So like for me, it will be like dry cleaning, book the holiday, send my driving license. For him, it's like fix the kitchen light, like boring stuff. But when there's no one place for it to be, all it is, is nagging, messages, Aggie, have you done that? Why haven't you done that? Find a way to streamline that process. And like it's all the same arguments. Remove the need for those small arguments in your life it's actually shocking what a difference it can make amen amen sister

if someone asked you how do i know when my when my relationship is wrong what would you say how do i know that my relationship's not working for me anymore? It's a really good question. I don't know that I know the answer. Get your chubs out then. They look magnificent. Haven't looked at anything else for the last 40 minutes. You must get this top from Tala. I'm not being paid for this. It's the Dayflex top.

Don't sell it out because I'm about to buy five more. I don't even think that that top could do me any justice. I actually do, babe. I actually do. Really? Yeah, I really do. My boobs aren't this big. Anyway. Anyway.

Okay. I think if, it's a really obvious answer, but I think if the bad times outweigh the good, it's a really good indication that something needs to change. What I then did, basically that happened for me over time where I was like, like I largely feel unhappy and I don't know that that's right and I

can kind of put the source of it to my relationship there were other things in my life that weren't great or weren't right but they didn't leave me feeling that hurt sad and empty so I then had the conversation I sat with myself and was like what would need to change for me to feel happier? What are the bits that make me feel really bad, sad, where we're miscommunicating, where we're not giving each other what we need? I then communicated that to my partner. And in my mind, I gave it a date,

like a full-blown date. And I was like, if we're not, if those things haven't changed by this time, then something's got to, then I need to leave. Yeah, good, you need like a deadline. You need a deadline. And you don't need to tell them that deadline,

to be honest. Give it long enough. Give it three, six months. Give them a chance to change. You've got to give them a chance, especially if you love them and you want to be with them and you think,

okay, I went for dinner with a friend when we were really bad and I was a few Negronis in. I was having a good time and she'd recently she'd kind of like maybe a few months ago broken up with her boyfriend and she had already started dating someone else i think that can happen quite a lot because when you're the dumper sometimes you're out of that relationship before you're officially out of it in your mind if that makes sense you're getting over it because you know you're probably of that relationship before you're officially out of it in your mind, if that makes sense. You're getting over it

because you know you're probably going to build up the courage to leave. In that respect, it is easier to dump than to be dumped. Yes, because you can prepare yourself. Yeah. So anyway, I said to her, how did you know that it wasn't right? Because she'd always said they were so happy together.

It was this, it was that. And she said that she actually got a therapist to go through this because she wasn't sure whether he was right for her or they were right for each other and the therapist said to her okay if you had kids with this person and your kids turned out exactly like them would you be proud and she was like well the answer was no and then she knew she had to leave them good that's so good really i tell everyone that piece of advice because as soon as you put it in that thing,

you're like, because you give them so much benefit of the doubt all the time to someone you love. But if it was your kid that you've raised and poured into and is who a part of you, would you be proud? If they were exactly like them? Good.

If you can say yeah with your chest, gorgeous. If you can't, I don't know. I think also you've got to be honest with yourself. I've got to be honest. That's how you get to that stage of actually acknowledging that the bad times outweigh the good. Don't kid yourself like Poppy for three years.

Fucking hell. Jesus. Okay, wrap up. It's time for a roundup. Mel one, Mel two. Mel one. Oh, polyamorous. Oh, babe.

You're batshit, we're batshit. It doesn't really matter. You know, like everyone makes mistakes. If you get hurt along the way, so be it. That's life. It's just a heart. It will heal.

I think that's it. You just have to keep communicating with that person and all maybe of your other partners and their other partners. And whilst it's still working for you and you're still excited about it, do it. Like if your whole family think their other partners and whilst it's still working for you and you're still excited to buy it do it like if your whole family think you're batshit it's fine if Ali Mack thinks you're batshit it's fine if you're okay and you're happy with it and

it's working for you and I would say keep shagging for free rent oh yeah get the nephew in that bed don't sleep on that it's very important Mel. Mel 2. Babe. Falling in love after a door being held open. Oh, we didn't really give her any advice. The advice is, you won't know. So just try not to fall in love with everyone you know before you ever meet. That's not good advice, babe, because she's

already in love with them. I guess just take your love with a pinch of salt. Just be willing to know that you might not know all of those onion layers yet and you're just peeling them off one by one. So take your time.

And also, babe, you're an onion yourself. We always talk about other people. Think about yourself for a second. What is it about yourself that you love and what side of yourself do you want other people to see?

And for the rest of it, just keep it to yourself for now. Yeah, I mean, hopefully she's not a serial killer, but yeah. Oh. Hopefully that's not a layer that's being pulled off.

Can you imagine? Don't, yeah, I mean, I know it's an annoying thing to say, but like, if you can catch yourself before you fall in love five minutes later, that would be helpful for your life, I do think.

Yeah. Frame it as, um, politeness. Thank you, kind sir. I'll move on with my day now. I actually said this to G the other day about dates, because, um, politeness. Thank you, kind sir. I'll move on with my day now. I actually said this to G the other day about dates. Because, like, if you are dating people and your friends are worrying about you,

I don't worry about her because I know she'll be fine. But... Why? Because I'm sporty spice? Well, because you're you and I know that you'll be fine. Like, she'll, you know, like, you'll heal. Sure. I also know you, so I wouldn't worry. Like, you know...

Oh, you mean emotionally. I thought you meant physically safe. No, no, no, I meant emotionally. Sure. I also know you, so I wouldn't worry. Like, you know. Oh, you mean emotionally. I thought you meant physically safe. No, no, no. I meant emotionally. Treat going on dates like literally speed dating in a pub. Dip your toe in. Light and easy.

If we're dating with intent, it's harder. So if you're going to get hit in the face by the love of your life, gorgeous, but don't expect it. Hell yeah. Thank you so much for listening to

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