Leave A Message with Ally & G - 9 - Who's Your Daddy? Long Lost Siblings & Unexpected DMs

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

Looking for some new friends? What about... some new siblings? This week on Leave A Message, Ally & G have some of the wildest relationship dilemmas this podcast has ever seen - our gobs are still smacked! From uncovering the truth of your long-lost siblings to shagging your Mum's husband (yes, you read that right!). Plus unexpected DMs and age gaps for rich people. Every cringe-worthy situationship is uncovered in this episode. Want to be a part of the group chat and featured on the pod? Send your voice note to https://wa.me/message/LLWFXNK4YXMHE1 (and please, don’t leave out ANY of the juicy details). NOTICE: Any advice provided in this podcast does not, and is not intended to, constitute professional advice or guidance; all information, content and materials presented are for entertainment purposes only. Any injury, damage or loss that may result from the consumption of this podcast is at the sole responsibility and risk of the listener. Follow Ally & G Instagram: @allyandg TikTok: @allyandg YouTube: @allyandg Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I feel like we talk about a lot of things on this podcast that you could like change or control if you wanted to not sure family is one of them well they do say don't they you don't choose your family choose your friends not your family I Choose your friends. Not your family. I'm an only child. So it's just me, my mum, my dad in my home. And then I have four cousins on my mum's side and two cousins on my dad's side. But they are older because as everyone knows, my dad is 105.

So they've got two kids each. So I've kind of grew up more alongside them than my actual cousins because they were obviously a lot older than me. I've got one biological grandparent still alive. Come on, Glenda. Hold it in. I'm assuming that's your mum's mum.

My mum's mum. But she's got a boyfriend called Dave who I love and have never known. Oh, Dave. Love Dave. Have never known different to Dave who I love and have never known. Oh, Dave. Love Dave. Have never known different to Dave. I never met my mum's dad, my granddad on that side.

Nor my dad's dad actually. I think he died in the war. Don't really know. But loved my dad's mum but she is RIP no longer with us. So I, oh, it's very complicated. My parents aren't together together I have a full sister

from my mum and my dad but my parents separated when I was seven or eight don't know which one it was a blurry time I've trauma blocked a lot of that my mum is one of four and she has an adopted sibling as well but i'm the oldest of 14

cousins sorry second oldest of 14 cousins um my mom's side on my mom's side and my mom's sister um used to live in the uk so me and her four children my sister and i and then my aunt's four children so my cousins we the six of us grew up like siblings because like our parents our mums would take turns on pickups like honestly every single day so I have a really really huge Asian family my my mum's mum is still alive and my dad's mum is still alive but I don't have either grandfather my dad um then sad for the granddads both in the ground god love them well yeah women's life expectancies are much, much longer. Yeah, and they last longer once their husbands die, apparently.

That's actually not shocking to me. And also, my dad's parents weren't together anyway. Yeah. So then my dad has a sister. She doesn't have any children. So I've got no cousins on that side. Wow. Good thing your mum really came in with the numbers.

Thank God. And both my parents remarried and my dad. Then I also have a half-brother on my dad's side. Yeah. Very complicated. All very complicated. But we love them and we're grateful that we were born from said family trees.

And here I am. Right, exactly. And we wouldn't be who we are without those people, without that lineage. Listen, listen. Who are you more like, your mum's side or your dad's side? Like my mum's side. I'm really nothing like my dad's side.

Really? They're very, very, very British. And like serious. Or like reserved. Yeah. Yeah, you're not that. Never talk about like poo or anything like that. No one talks about poo as much as you do.

Babe, this is what I was thinking was so funny because my family, like if we would talk about poo, like it was do but yeah my fa babe this is what I was thinking was so funny because my family like if we would talk about poo like it was talking about like brushing your teeth yeah because we've all got IBS we must all be in contact

with each other yeah when you've got IBS you must talk about poo all the time I don't know who I'm more like I think I'm my cousin Tan I think I really

when I look at pictures of her when she was younger I look so much like her but then I think my mum's side we're all just like blonde and like blue eyed. So we all have a bit of like a family similarity. But personality wise, you're probably more like your mum's family. Um, I don't know. Like your cousins on your mum's side or your cousins on your dad's side, who would you say you're most like? Kind of depends in what situation, I think. I grew up with my dad's side, really. Well, a bit of my mum's side.

We kind of always went on holiday together. I kind of hijacked my cousins are twins. So I just like was their third sister, really, because I had no siblings. But that's, yeah, that's the dream. Anyway, we're telling you all of this because today we're talking about family dramas, which is honestly like the most exciting topic ever

because this is where the juice comes in. Because you can be really like candid yourself and like fight with your family, can't you? I find the arguments with my family are like bigger than anyone else in my life. Yeah, because you feel like safe in the knowledge that you are sort of like blood and there's nowhere really to go or hide.

Yeah, like I'm sure my mum's side won't mind me saying this but we are a family of mainly women and we're born of scouse blood and those fights are fiery. Exactly the same as all my family on my mum's side. The funniest, so I always tell this story, my mum and her sister, like I grew up in a house of fierce,

fiercely like strong, powerful, like independent Asian women and like just like fiery. And my mum and her sister used to fight honestly like cat and dog. And I will never forget, we were in Malaysia where my grandparents live. And I spent like half my childhood in Malaysia. And we were sitting around the table. I can't even tell you what they were fighting about. And they were getting the satay sticks and the satay sticks were throwing. Throwing the sticks. And then it was the tissue

boxes. And then I remember my arm went into the kitchen to like find something else and all she had was a saucepan and it was like you know one of that moments like can I actually throw this at my sister

probably not don't throw the saucepan but you do get to that stage where your family drive you so mental yeah and you can physically fight as well can't you me and my cousin Steph

used to actually beat the shit out of each other yeah yeah yeah oh big time yeah we've had some proper fights, that little bitch. Love you. Okay, should we get the first voice note then?

I can't wait to hear. Can I just say one thing? Actually, what you said about family trees, it's just a little nugget. Go on. Do you know that the child... Have you ever done Ancestry? Sorry.

No, I would love to. Very interesting. Why? Very interesting to find out where you come from. I reckon I could be like the Prince of Persia's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, the Prince of Persia's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter. Persia, really? Do you know what I mean?

They're all in the same area. Yeah, true. No, I was reading this thing that was like the number of coincidences and circumstances and you're like one in 200 billion is the chance of you being alive. The name there and then, yeah, yeah, it's so good. So it's like if you think you're nothing special,

actually, you're really fucking special. You're really special. Like, science really had to work for you to get you to where you are right now on Earth. Yes, and amen, it did. So you must just remember that. You must. Okay, let's get the first voice note.

What are they called this week? Your turn, I'm afraid. What I best call them. Oh! Thank you, Rihanna. Thank God you're here. Someone's working. For goodness sake.

We're just here slagging off our family. Do you know what we haven't done in a while? What about? What this podcast is all about. Right, here's the elevator pitch. Welcome to leave. Welcome to leave. The elevator music, please.

Oh, I'll do the music. You do the pitch. Okay, ready? Welcome to Leave a Message with Ali and G. I'm Ali, she's G. This is a podcast for the galleys by the galleys. Every week we dive into the WhatsApp group chat to get up your voice notes about the topic of the week.

We're going to try and answer your questions, we're going to try and give you some advice, but we must preface this with the fact that our advice is actually probably bullshit and you shouldn't really listen to it and take it with a large pinch of salt. Can you shut the fuck up now?

Thank you. Now into the messages. Thank you, Rihanna. What are they called? What was your grandma called? Hilda. What was your other grandma called? She's alive.

She's called Glenda. Any grandpa? Grandfather? What about Dave? Dave. Good old Dave. What was your grandfather? What were Dave? Dave. Oh, get out, Dave. What was your grandfather? What were your grandfathers called, though?

Gordon and Charlie. Okay, no, not the same. I was thinking maybe we might have a crossover. We don't. Go on, name some other people in your family. We must. They're Asian. They're Asian.

Sushila. Oh, not got Sushila. Amarjit. Oh, no Amarjit in my family, no. Mary. Nope. One more. Gina? Amarjit. Oh, no Amarjit in my family, no. Mary? Nope. One more. Kaur Chandasingh?

Let's go with Mary. Hi, girlies. So about a year ago, I was going to a family event for my granny's birthday, I think. And I was living abroad at the time. So I obviously didn't get any sort of debrief about what was about to go down at this birthday dinner so anyway I arrive I'm greeting everyone you know I see my aunt my uncle my cousins I'm like hi jolly jolly nice to see you um and then I'm like hang on a minute who are all these strangers here you know

all these people start turning up and I'm like I've never seen you I don't know your names who are you and anyway I'm sort of discussing with one of my cousins and my auntie apparently my granddad so my granny's husband never met him him. He died before I was born, bless his soul. Apparently, he had a love child, like, never heard of her before. Like, my granny didn't even know he existed. Apparently, my granddad, like, left this woman when she was pregnant. And when he dies, apparently, this love this love child like i don't know a couple years later she's found out that she's dead she reaches out to my granny somehow as like hey

by any chance anything about me in the will lol but i don't know somehow or other she ends up getting closer with my granny and yeah they start befriending she so this girl she's now invited to my granny's birthday she's got you know her own her own family she's got a kid her husband the husband's side of the family so now they're all joining us at the table and I still don't know their names a good year later but is this how family events are gonna be now now? You know, am I going to go to Christmas? And suddenly I'm like, oh, so you're the stepdaughter of the love child's husband. Got it, got it.

Anyway, I thought that would be quite amusing for you guys. Hope you enjoyed. So blended that, isn't it? Wow. I was hoping for a couple of these, so I'm glad we've got them in. I'm glad. I honestly, that program, Long Lost Family,

is like one of my favourite things in the world. No, babe. You know with Davina, and where she goes and she says, we have found your sister, and they sob. I love it, babe. You love it.

That's like that film Lion. Yes. Very similar. Sobbed. Sobbed. Sobbed. I can't do with reunions. They really get me.

Sorry, I have to say that that is giving Mrs. Wilson vibes. Yeah, very much so. Have you guys seen Mrs. Wilson? No. This will blow your actual... It's really good. This is one of the most mental things possibly in history to have ever happened. This man, okay, he's in the army. He has this wife called Mrs. Wilson.

It's actually Ruth Wilson's's grandmother the actress ruth wilson it's her real grandmother and she played her granny in the biopic mrs wilson's husband is in the army mrs wilson husband dies when he's i think he could call him mr wilson sure mr i Mr. Wilson. Don't know. Does he die when he's not on post? He dies when he's on post, basically. No, because wasn't he in the Secret Service? Wasn't he like a spy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why it was also Dodge.

We're going to paraphrase. I don't know the exact story. He dies is what you need to know. So Mrs. Wilson, Ruth Wilson, goes to collect all the things in the will. Then all these women with their children start turning up on her on her front door saying he was my husband i'm from in my husband husband this man had something like like 14 like wives and like 25 children all around the world and there's a picture of all of them at the will reading because like just more of them kept coming out of the woodwork.

Wild. Can you imagine? Sorry, this woman's, it's the same thing. Her grandfather, it's, you don't know how many love childs are out there. Well, also it's not fair

to leave it to the will, Brian. Do you know what I mean? Look it in the eye, Bri. If you've been shagging about and you've had love children, you must look your current wife in the eye and say, listen, there might be a few surprises

in that whale reading and I'd like to tell you now I disagree baby if you can it's the coward's way if you can you're dead who gives a shit

cowardice you're out of there easy peasy he's in the grave and everyone's got to clean up your mess that is so funny because you know

at a family gathering I don't know if you're like this might be a bit different because your family's so big even if one of my cousins brings a new partner, I'm like, sorry, who the hell are you? Oh, no, no, yeah. I'm just like, sorry, don't know you from Adam.

I best sit down with you and get to know, see if luckily most of them are all right. We'll leave that there. Oh, yeah, it's a full interview process. No, most of them I love. Like some of them have been around for ages, like Lee, Mark, like the partners that are like core, but new ones I look around and I think. New ones I new ones I think sorry you got a lot of hurdles to jump before

you're in yeah and you think you can have my pigs in blankets you're joking step back I'll have the seconds first please thank you absolutely not yeah there's something quite nice about it like I like the granny was open-armed do you know what I mean because it's not the love child's fault yeah I mean she's a bit better person than me because know what I mean? Because it's not the love child's fault. Yeah, I mean, she's a better person than me because I would just say, go figure. It's not my fucking problem

my husband was a cheating lying cow. And you wouldn't want them around? You wouldn't think you're blood? Well, it depends if they were a little shit or not. If they're nice and you like them, what if they're really cool? Well, she did say,

manipulated my granny. Did she say manipulated or have I made that up? Oh, she's a cynic. I made that up. She's made that up kind enough. Fine, but I just think she's preying on the poor old granny. Granny doesn't know her head from her toes.

Granny's at the head of the table at her birthday party. She's fine. She just thinks the more the merrier. Get them all in. I would have asked for a DNA test first. Yeah, Rihanna. If there's money involved, you're right. God, sorry.

I should have thought about that. Well done. Eyes on the business. Is it real? Is it real? Actually, Mrs. Wilson should have done the same thing. Anyone could rock up and say I'm entitled to 50% of this will. Especially after that series.

I'll be getting on to Paul McCartney's lawyer. Don't you know? We've got a love chart together. I'll be having 10%. Thanks so much. Bless Paul. He's probably puffing out dirt now, isn't he? How old is he?

No, also, I was thinking, so much. Bless Paul. He's probably puffing out dirt now, isn't he? How old is he? No, also, I was thinking, cheating in the olden days must be so easy. So good. So good. Wow.

Honestly, you'd be having a field day, wouldn't you? I'm not. Babe, talk about, talk about, talking about poly,

I love when you do this. Talking about polyamory last week. I'll be polyamorous for all I like. Well, you wouldn't even have to be. You wouldn't have to tell anyone. No one would tell us all. Well, you just said I'm going to the pub. Now you're in Love Island,

you can't even go to the club and have a piss without someone sending a video to your girlfriend. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, easy. You touch a girl in a club, it's over. As it should be. Make this autumn the tastiest season yet with farm fresh produce and easy autumn inspired recipes delivered right to your door with hello fresh whip up tasty restaurant style meals in your own kitchen without the high price tag of takeout and in less time than it takes to

get delivery babe honestly hello fresh has saved me so many times. And now my in-laws think I can actually cook, even though all I've done is followed the recipe and had the ingredients delivered to my door. But babe, you are cooking. It's absolutely genius. And also, it's not like you're going to be stuck doing one recipe that you're good at because there's variety from hellofresh there's so much choice come on you can get 10 free meals at hellofresh.com free allergy applied across seven boxes new subscribers only varies by plan that's 10 free hellofresh meals just by going to hellofresh.com slash free Ali G. You're welcome. Good afternoon, galleys. I saw your little call out for family drama and I thought you called.

I have a very funky family. I have a mum and a dad who broke up when I was two. Dad's in the army, red flag. Put a pin in that. We're coming back to that later. And my mum's a nurse. And I have an older brother who is a full brother from my mum and dad. And then a younger brother who is same mum, different dad.

And the younger sister, same dad, different mum. Well, that's how I knew it as of September 2022. That is where my life took a bit of a U-turn. I was sat on the sofa watching House of the Dragon with my boyfriend. And we were just chilling, you know,

watching Death and Destruction. And I got a little Instagram DM. And I'm thinking, who's sliding in? They don't know that I've got a boy. It's a love child. Weird. I'm very public and open about that.

Is it? Oh, no. It was not someone sliding in the DMs. So, I get a message. Hi. I don't, you don't know me, but dad's name is my father. And I've been looking to reach out to him.

I've received no response. So I know that you're also his daughter. So, and I was like, eh? I beg your pardon. So first point of call, open the message. I'm like, hello, is this real? Are you pranking me? As if people prank each other when they're 25 years old.

Turns out, not a prank. The big kicker was, my dad was like, we need to do a DNA test. And I just sent him a screenshot of one of the Instagrams that she has because we have the same face. It's literally copy and paste have the same face um it's literally copy and paste the same face so there's absolutely no doubt as to the genes of her um but she's lovely she seems really cool uh we get on really well obviously because we're genetically linked you know this was 2022 so a few years ago year and a half ago now uh meet up for lunch and she kind of tells us in the um passing that there's another family

no oh yeah this girl is mrs wilson but possibly multiple children in germany here's the thing if we can take a learning from this wrap it up gents you really don't know who you're gonna impregnate um so yeah that's my family drama love you girls hope you're well and hopefully you don't find out that you've got any half siblings oh my god mary too love you oh my god babe i hope you're in long-term therapy. That is not okay or normal. Do you know the saddest thing? Sorry, I just, like, that's really weird that we were talking about Mrs Wilson

because she's actually living out the reality of being Mrs Wilson. But like finding out whilst her dad's alive, she can look him in the face and go, sorry, my little sister's only about six months of an age gap, are you okay?

So he's been going away on tour, shagging about without a condom. Oh, listen, you idiot! Moral of the story is don't shag army men. They're dicks. Listen, hashtag not all army men. But, well, hashtag quite a lot of army men. Yeah, I have no comment.

Babe. It is a really big stereotype that people in the military cheat and having dated someone in the military and known a lot of their friends and partners and their behaviours, I don't think it's all smoke with no fire. It's a stereotype for a reason. Yeah. That's crazy.

The thing is, you know what you said about the olden days? The army still enables that. You go to places where you've got no signal and you're away for six months. And wow, that's crazy, babe. I am so sorry that you found out via an Instagram DM that your dad had been unfaithful to your mum 19 years ago as well. That's crazy.

So it's when you were all kids. That's so horrible for the mum as well. I really feel for the mum. They weren't together, thank God, then. Well, to be honest with you, babe. Imagine if they were still happily married. But also, you don't know who knows. What, as in the mum could have known?

Well, the dad could have known. And just like... The dad knew. No, babe. Row up. No, this is the problem with men. Do sex ed then. They don't know who they're impregnating.

They just spunk and move on. That's disgusting. You must get professional help. You must use a fucking condom. We all know what happens when you fornicate. Babies are made. Okay, number one, it's not impossible that the dad knew, but he tried to make it go away.

A little bit of hush-hush money. Number two, if he did know, the mum could have known. Turned a blind eye. No blaming. Obviously, she's also the victim here, but she could have known and tried to shield you and protect you from it.

Protect the kids. I have no advice, babe. Get yourself to therapy five times a week. Also, I'm glad your sisters really like you and you like her it. Protect the kids. I have no advice, babe. Get yourself to therapy five times a week. Also, I'm glad your sisters really like you and you like her. That's a bonus. Imagine if she was a

weirdo, you'd be like, no way. I was going to say you could. You're sharing my inheritance with you. Two things. Check the will.

I've written here, check the will. Make sure that your share is in there fair and square. Check the will. Have you checked your will?

I might not be in my, I can imagine my dad would give it to the blind. He's obsessed with guide dogs. He's not even blind would give it to the blind. He's obsessed with guide dogs. He might. He's not even blind. He's got full sight.

He's obsessed with them. He might chuck you 10k. Do you know what I used to think when I was younger, when I was in primary school, I really used to dream that I did have a long lost sibling because I was an only child.

That's sad. So that would have been my dream. I'd have been over the moon. The ones in Germany, get me on a plane. I'd have been loving it. I'd have been like, finally,

I'm not a loser with no siblings. Oh, babe. So I should have swapped places with old Mary too. I'd have had a well of a time finding that out. Oh, but you are a loser with no siblings. I'm a loser with no siblings, yeah. Oh, well. Lonely child.

Yeah, I've written, check the will. These are my three things I've written. Check the will, go to therapy, trust no one. Trust no one. Also, I just want to go back to the point that you said, of course we get on, we're genetically linked. That's not a standard rule. It's not always the truth.

Yeah, hashtag not all genetically linked people. My dad and I have been known to clash heads. And we're genetically linked. I actually think it's a blessing if you can get on with everyone that you are genetically linked to. Yeah, that's like a win-win. I don't think it's, blessing if you can get on with everyone that you are genetically linked to. Yeah, that's like a win-win.

I don't think it's, like, who do you know that does that? I love that it was a copy and paste face. That's really good. Dad, are you mad?

Look at us. Look at the state of her. She looks exactly like me. You should actually, though, seriously talk to your dad. I don't know what your relationship

is like. I noticed that you had some daddy issues and I can talk to this. She can relate. It depends on your relationship, but you should say you're a lying, cheating scumbag. You should.

That's disgusting. Yeah. And like, you're fucking with people's lives. And I've now got a sibling after 19 years. You sicko. You sick fuck. That's what you should say. I will say it now.

I will say it forevermore. I love social media. I love it. Yeah, because she... Also, imagine the amount of stalking the girl would have... The sister would have had to... The length she went to. To get to land in your message request.

Can you imagine? I bet she was nervous. I'd be expecting this girl to say, I shagged your boyfriend. That would have been my first thought. Not, your dad's my dad. We share a dad. I'd be like, fuck, really, babe?

Your dad shagged my mum. If someone messaged you and said, by the way, she'd be thrilled. She'd be over the moon. This is the sad thing. I would be thrilled. Would you not be fuming at your cheating dad? I'd be fuming.

I'd give him, what, four? But I'd be over the moon. I'd invite her to Christmas. Whoever she is, I'd love her. Oh, babe. I would. I know. Imagine having blood in this world.

I'm going to be an orphan. I'm like Oliver Twist. No, no, babe. You've got to just have lots of children. Okay. That's good. I'm single and alone at 27, but okay. Lots of children.

Babe, you're not 45. I feel it. We must get on to the two for one eggs. Freezing. Fine. Next, Mary number three. Hey, Gavies. my family are actually insane so I thought I would just tell you a few little stories just to give you an insight into my life because it is insane um to start with my dad's parents split up before I was born and instead

of my dad's dad marrying, you know, someone else, he married his ex-wife, so my dad's mum's mum. So he is my granddad and my great granddad at the same time. My aunt, on the other side, met someone when she was 15. They decided to get together when she was 18. And he was 43 years older than her. And he wasn't even rich. He was just a bus driver. My cousin got a girl pregnant. They were it was his girlfriend you know fine but then it came out the baby might not be his whose baby is it might you ask well it's two options it was either her exes she cheated on my cousin with her ex she also cheated on my cousin with her own stepdad whilst her own mother was in hospital

getting chemotherapy do you know what he did my cousin he decided to propose yep they are engaged and they have a baby now um apparently there was a dna test done i don't know if i believe that the last story which is just like sums up my life i think um My great-grand, about a year ago now, she passed away. And after she passed away, she gave letters to my dad and all of those people. And in these letters, it said that she actually had a secret long-lost child that she put up for adoption when her own kids were very young

because he was the product of an affair and about 10 years ago he got in contact with her and they've had a great relationship and he's come down to visit her because he lives in London we live in Cornwall he's taken all the money in the world and but they've kept it all a secret because she was so ashamed that there was that she had an affair, essentially. And then a few months later, my nan, so her daughter, passed away. And some people were messaging my dad saying, oh, I'm so sorry that your mum's died, you know, the normal stuff. And a few weeks later, someone messaged him. He was like, oh, I'm so sorry, you know, she was family, whatever.

And he was like, hang on on I don't recognize this person and after a lot of sleuthing essentially my dad's mum had a different dad than what they thought the whole time so and then we found out about all of this family and this was actually a second affair so from about a year ago they thought that my great-grand had two kids from the same dad. And then a few months later, there are now three kids all with different dads. But yeah, that's just a small insight into my life.

Babe. Babe, you've got to write a sitcom about your family. You must write that down somewhere. That is epic. Do you want me to relay the first one? Because I think you missed it. That is, that is, all of that in one family? Yeah. I love it. Get on you missed it. That is, that is, all of that in one family? Yeah.

I love it. Get on Jeremy Kyle. That is wild. DNA test. Jezza. The first bit, babe. Yeah, I missed the first bit because I was so...

You missed it. So the grandparents split up. Yeah. The granddad married the grandma's mum. And actually, do you know what? That could happen in my family. It hasn't, thank God.

But because my mum and my dad have such a big age gap, my dad is closer in age to my mum's mum than he is to her. So I see how that could happen. I don't see, babe. Well, it's not ideal, obviously. Like, look further afield, but crazy. And then the aunt, 43 years her senior. Yeah, and then, it's not ideal, obviously. Like, look further afield, but crazy. And then the aunt, 43 years her senior.

Yeah, and then, no, that's not even it. Her aunt's baby was either her ex's or her stepdad's. No, that's the cousin. Whatever. Different part of the family. They've got a trend of shagging one generation up in this family. Yeah, they love it. And they must stop that. What was that?

The cousin's girlfriend shagged her stepdad while her mum was in hospital. So the baby was either from the ex or from her stepdad when they were shagging when her mum

who was married to her stepdad was in hospital. It's not great but I guess it's technically not incest. The one person I could not shag is my cancer ridden mum's husband.

Wow. While she's getting her... There's a lot to unpack there. And then, what happened with the letters of the loved children? There's three kids now, three dads. Granny was busy. Granny was busy. She had three lovers and then had kids with all of them.

How is she hiding the bump? Babe, maybe we're quite normal. Babe, maybe we're quite normal. Right, maybe we're very normal. I feel safe in the knowledge that this girl's taken number one spot. She is star of the week. Of dysfunctional families. That's, Christmas must be wild. You must not know. You're like, hang on to your boyfriend. You never know. You never know who's going to shag him. Hang on to your dad. Hang on to your dad. Or your mum. Or your grandma.

They're all up for it. Babe, I love that your first thought is the will. You're crazy. Well, now Rihanna said you must get the DNA test, you can't be letting anyone just get your share of the will.

You can't be letting people get your 50%. No way. 50% is it? In this instance, you're not even getting an 18th page. You're getting nothing.

I wouldn't even rely on it. I wouldn't even show up to the reading hall. I'd get a second job if I were you. I'd find another way to save. That's crazy business. You have to, if that was your family, I'm sorry, I would just have to laugh. I'd have to find that funny. No, no, if you don't find it funny, you'll probably jump off a cliff.

Something like that. Sorry, 43 years is a big old age gap. That's actually the one thing I want to talk about. I joke about my parents. They're 17 years. Me and my ex were nine. I would say that's too many. Nine's too many.

17's a joke. There's a big difference between 61 and 70. I'll tell you that for free. There's a big difference between 41 and 50. There's a big difference. I can't even do the maths on 43 years. She wasn't even born. She's 20 and he's 63 years of age.

Okay? Sorry. So you're shagging. He can retire when she's just about to graduate uni. And he wasn't even rich. Oh, what's the point? That is mad to me. Good point, babe.

I can condone 43 years up if they're rich if they're loaded and you're flying private jet and they're you know giving you a Rolex and a G-Wagon

every single week then please do God's work and marry 43 years up that's God's work because you're a carer at that stage are they shagging

surely not it's like there are a lot of findings from this episode so maybe we should unpack them we're gonna go full recap from top i'm so lost in this girl's life i can't get over it well she's star of the week she's stolen the bloody show well she's star of the month babe she's star of the fucking year i think we must get her in i think we must get her in and we'll do a jeremy kashay what was the guy on jeremy kyle the dna guy the guy oh the graham

was it graham they used to get in and he'd sit on the step and he'd be like. Yes! Now we are going to go through these results. And we have, of course, got aftercare behind backstage. Then Jezza would go, I'm going to send them backstage now with Graham. Give them a round of applause. Their whole world has just fallen apart. You think a round of fucking applause, Jeremy?

No, okay. No, no, no. And then he goes, the DNA test is positive. And they go, fuck this. Yeah. And then he goes, the DNA test is positive. And they go, fuck this. Yeah. And they're like, fuck this shit. Shit.

He's not my fucking mum. That's not my fucking dad. Oh, the nose-wearing's gone well. Right. On the recap, Mary won with the number one love child. You've been overshadowed. Sorry, babe.

Sorry. For goodness sake. One love child's not enough these days, clearly. Not enough. We've got to have more. If we're going to get a juicy story, then you're going to have to shag about a bit more. Do you know what I mean?

If you want to be competitive about it, one's not enough. Mary, too, had a sibling slide in her DMs. Out of all the things to slide in my DMs, I'd be pretty excited about it, but I know that that's not. That's less shocking to me now that I know that someone shagged their stepdad

while their mum was having chemo. I just can't quite move past that. I just... Do you know one of those days where you think, I don't think I'm a good enough friend, I'm not a very good daughter? I'm going to think of that. And I'm going to think, do you know what?

I am Zen Zen. I'm a great friend. I'm not shagging anyone's dad. I'm not shagging anyone's husband, anyone's dad, and I'm definitely not doing it while they're in bed with chemo. What the hell? Sorry, that's got to be illegal. Mary number three.

Mary number three. Star of the... Star of the whole pod. We asked, you delivered, that's the kind of stuff I love. What is that, you nutter? I'm coming to yours for Christmas. Yeah, get us there. Imagine.

God, imagine you need a fucking double-decker bus. Well, to get them all in. And you'd need a little seating plan, wouldn't you, to understand who's related to and who's shagged to. Who's shagged to, yes. And who's sibling is who's and who's dad. And who can't sit next to who because they might fondle each other under the table.

Yeah, or they might find out that, oh no, we're actually not related, but we thought we were. Oh, I'm having his baby even though he's my uncle. Oh my God. And then you go, oh hi, is this your granddad? It's my husband.

My husband, the bus driver. Don't be rude. Imagine. Is this your stepdad? No, no, actually it's my baby daddy. Yes, that's my baby daddy. Oh, but that's my fiancé because he loves that about me.

That I shag people's husbands. Is this your grandfather? No, no, it's my boyfriend. Wild. I was in shock. She's gone into an absolute coma. Well done, everyone. Really, galleys, you've really delivered.

I've got to give you a round of applause. It's a round of applause. Thank you so much. Really, really good. What an ep to give you a round of applause. It's a round of applause. Thank you so much. Really, really good. What an ep. And if you're listening and you think, got a story that can trump that. If you think you can trump any of those girls, I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. I think that's hard to top. But if you think you can do it, be our guests. Please leave us a message. We're open 24-7. And as mary one realized you don't actually call us and wait for the answer yeah that's really good it's a voice note hun a lot of people have done that

please do not call us just leave them under three minutes and please don't send more than one voice note at a time because we're not going to listen to them all. Very serious. And keep them entertaining, guys. And please keep them streamlined. A streamlined story, please. Listen, feel free to write a script first. The girls have spoken. Listen, they've put their foot down. You must listen to them.

They're very serious people. It's a quality check, okay? And if the quality's not scratch, then we won't get any more ad deals. There will be consequences, yeah. No more ad deals. No more ad deals for us and if you want us to eat, girls,

you better make the voice notes good, okay? Love you. Leave us a message. Leave us five stars or otherwise don't bother and see you next week. Love you. Don't be shagging, anyone.

Especially not your mum's dad. Sorry, wear a condom.