Legends of Avantris - 13 Beers at the Local Cheese | Ep. 5 | Face Off!!

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

The gang returns for nonstop action at The Local Cheese!!!   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/r2F-y5Am68k?si=69iGQF-EqQzCBYnC

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. A loser with no direction, a pocket full of change, and an unshakable sense of dread? Then come hide out at the local cheese. Everybody cheer and then look uncomfortable. We've got pizza. We've got unexplained holiday decorations. We've got unresolved rivalries, games, and prizes. Everybody beat a screaming pinata to death as coins tumble out.

Local cheese is changing just like it always has. New decor. management, every food item battered and dredged in the ashes of our enemies. Everybody pretend to take a bite of something crunchy and then nod and give a thumbs up. The local cheese were the blank blanks, the blank are blank and the blank comes with blank. You're already here. The local cheese is not accountable for seasons, curse prizes, leap year day possession, or romantic subplots. No refunds after February 8, 1996.

Derek is the greatest fake commercial. Static. Static. The commercial cuts to a young and beautiful human woman in a bright blue blazer with shoulder pads. She clutches a large microphone featuring the letters L-C-N. A helicopter circles the building behind her, spotlight searching as a crowd watches and points. This is February O'Hulah, Ann.

Live from the Greek-slicked streets of 90 Suburbia, reporting live outside the local cheese where authorities have confirmed a full lockdown is in effect. Some eyewitnesses claim they saw steam or smoke rising up from the vents. Other comments were largely inappropriate. As you can see,

the local cheese sign has gone missing. Sources suggest that a group of unidentified patrons fueled by beer and prizes have climbed on top of the building right now in what officials are calling an ongoing sausage, I mean a hostage situation. I'm February O'Hulahan. Stay tuned as this story

develops. Derek, you're too far, you're too far, you have all just finished an epic fight except for Galileo. Gosh, she can't even zip up that jumpsuit.

My God. God damn. I think she just television. I think she just bought a size too small. I don't know. You have all just

finished fighting your way up, the massive elevator all the way up to the rooftop. Basically a reverse fight of the Final Fantasy 7 escape from Midgar where you're fighting against those cool helicopters that are flying around. Spotlight circling,

all fooishing around. You are exhausted, but you have come out relatively unscathed. You have burst out onto the rooftop looking for your friend Galileo, who's been captured by the Catholic Church. Allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly. No, we know. From the top. Shoot for the top. Ordered by the post.

If you weren't sure, if you weren't sure, If you weren't sure that it was the Catholic church, you burst through the doors, and out in front of you, on top of the roof, you spy him. Galileo tied up a giant, low-poly pope about to force a Catholic poison into Galileo's knife.

No! No! No! You've only got Catholic poison! No, my own weakness! It's the fine. You cannot escape the Holy Punish. of me.

This is the scene that you burst in on. What the heck? What, what, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Hey, is that the Pope? What, actually, I think it's more of the Cardo Roe. Hey, Pope, get away from it. Get away from Galileo.

Get away, stop it. Oh, hey, yes, cut it out of you. Wait, well, I don't know that. He turns, and he, and he looks at each of you in, uh, in, in frustration, irritation, uh, visitors, I must flee. Oh, thank God. I was doing

I think we could fight the pole. That's how far you brought us guys. Your fate is sealed and a rope ladder flying down from the helicopter box. He grabs onto one of the rungs as it takes off. This isn't the last time

you've heard of the Catholic Church. Ah! Look at you! Catholic Church! Don't get you, the Polly Pong! We weren't going to forget about the church anytime soon. Man, that was kind of like some Resident Evil shit.

They got any monologue that whole time. is actually injecting the Catholic poison. Hey, Galile, are you all right? Oh, my God, Galileo! Wow, what's up, guys? It's actually really funny that his helicopter is white and has like a glass dope on him too. That's actually pretty clever.

Does anybody have a knife? Does anyone have a knife? Oh, let me take a look at my name. Does anybody, I just have a, at least a frank notebook and a Tamagachi. I have a small plastic dinosaur, Nokia 3010. I got a plastic knife. All right, we'll get started on that.

Okay, hold on. Okay, hold on. Okay, what are you doing, Gary? I mean, it's a little to get this. It's bending. Okay. The, the color is bending. We should do that on camera.

Come on. Oh, so Galileo, we gotta get you caught up, man. Look, there was crazy. We've lost you. These like anti-negative versions of us showed up. We had to fight ourselves. It was crazy. Hold on.

I can't believe something crazy than getting captured by the Catholic Churchab. No, I mean, that was kind of, I don't know. Was that really the real Pope? Did he say the real Pope? Whoa. I haven't done this in a while. He just kept wanting me to take Catholic poison, he said.

I don't know. That's crazy, man. The low-poly pope or something. The crazy thing is that he called it divine Catholic poison. That's like a plus one. I mean, blessed by literal God is at least plus one. A legendary idea. I understand a chance, God.

I'm so glad you showed up with you. Gary, please, man. You know what? I wish I had my EDC on me, but I think I think... All right, Gary... I think Tiffany took it. Gary back up. Gary...

See, that you have the katana? One time you don't have a knife is the one time you need it. Why are you using a plastic knife? This guy walks around the katana. I throw them all the katana from its holy scabbard. And I hold it up and I say, all right, Galiland, don't move. Be careful. Don't move.

Don't move. Shry-sh-sh-sh! I just do... And then I just do... And then... The ropes explode. The ropes explode off of your wrists around your ankles, and suddenly you are freed your backpack at your side,

like Galileo, once again. We were worried about you. Gosh, with that, how impatient and demanded you are. I was so worried. You would think that you think that the sun revolves around you. Oh, man. That's a deep cut. Before you get.

Pretty good. I got to hit at the gary, man. Before anything else can happen, you all hear a sound. Again from the sky, that same sound of the helicopter. You look up. Unfortunately, the rendering is really terrible.

So the helicopter that emerges sort of jerks slower in a terrible manner as all the particle effects happen at the same time in the arcade cabinet can't handle it. You watch as you hear the voice of the low-poly pope, Catholic God, smite him. No problem. You hear the sound of lightnings.

And all of a sudden, a quote, and from around the side of the building you see as the rat-faced mascot on the front of the sign of the local cheese starts to emerge and flashing with electricity and it looks angry at all four of you. I need you to roll for initiative. Tiffany. D6 plus agility. Tiffany vanished during the fight. You have no idea where Tiffany is. D6 plus agility. Don't worry about her. D6 plus agility. Agility.

Oh, agility modifier. So I got five. Oh. I roll the six. Nice. And I plus zero. I also got a five. Okay? I got a six. Also, what is that? Well, let's get initiative and then I'll ask my question.

I don't want to interrupt you. Um, 10 plus? Um, is that impossible? It is, but not for us. Five to ten? Uh, I got a five. Six. You guys got sixes, so decided it goes first. I feel like Gary's gonna go first. I think I'm a roller blades, not skates, come up. I was just captured and almost susceptible to Catholic forces. Our names in this order spelled Gact. Gacked. Gact. Um, Monsters go on.

go first or they go? What do they get? You can roll an issue for them. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, on D&D, they lose time. I'm not allowed to roll dice, I thought. No, no, I just not, not, it's not that you're not allowed to roll dice. It's most of the time you don't need to. Let me...

There are rules, Derek. Yep, yep, okay. You watch as this massive head starts to crest the side of the rooftop, massive ears made of metal and plastic, glowing lights. sees a neon in all the direction. Its eyes are bright and filled with hate as it has been infused with this divine energy to smite all of you.

So my question is, as you're drawing, what is our drink tunnels at? You from the fight have been made completely sober. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's fucking terrible! What? You're all right?

A fucking thought sober? A fate worse than death. This is a little, fucking horse ship. We can't fight-horship. We can't fight God sober. This is a load of fucking horse shit, Derek. Well, thank God we're not fighting actual Catholic. We're just fighting his avatar.

I've been waiting. I've been waiting from some time. You're waiting for some time, Derek. You also notice that there is a nice tasteful rooftop bar. Oh, of course. I forgot there's a rooftop bar. Why don't we ever come up on the roof? It's nice out tonight.

Because all the drinks are really expensive and it's all like champagne. That's right. trying to get the higher than clientele up. Yeah, they're trying to get the higher. Is it the elevator bank that we came up? Yes. There's been a weird energy up here. That's for sure.

I don't think it was the Catholics. I think it was the patrons. All the patrons. God, it's like, oh, it's after work happy hour. There's the drunk intern. Oh, no. Oh, no. Okay, wait, so just so I understand this,

describe what this enemy looks like. It is a massive, it is the face of the local cheese. You recognize, you recognize the lobe No, the local cheese, the rest of the sign, clearly haven't been left down below. It's been animated, just the head. Has been animated just the head has lifted off and is floating forward. It's N64 and Ross. Yes.

Oh my gosh. Okay. And you hear this reverberating voice as the animatronic face starts to move and look at each one of you. You hear, let's party, caves, the fun never stopped. Oh, shit. Jim, which one of us is the T? That's T for Turtle. Oh, nice.

I figured it was for Tiffany, but I guess. I'm like blue and Wuberg. No, I think it's exactly right. No, he should have been, you should have been in hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, should have been an L. You want me to make you an L running? 100% absolutely. That is so long since the L.

It's permanent. Galk. Yeah. That is so. I love drinking gout. I love d'all. Anybody else would have down some gout? That is an awful elf.

That is so perfect. Good old galk. Now I could never mess it up. Now I know exactly which where I am. As this creature lifts up and starts to speak, Tickets for everyone, keep those smiles wide, all of a sudden it spies you. And the pupils of its eyes start to glow red.

And all of a sudden out of nowhere, this beam strikes across and creates a line of fire as this rail, as it rails against the top of the roof. Clearly a deadly laser that can emit from its eyes, and it starts to advance forward. But it's the top of the round. Gary, you're up. What do you do?

Oh, man, I look to the bar. Hell yeah. I look past the intern who's way too drunk. I look past the boss who's talking about, like, the boss who's talking about, like, synergy and circling back. I look past the office siren, and I'm like, yeah, you really should have been wearing that to work.

Gosh. And I see if there's any kind of drinks I can enjoy. It looks like many people, the rooftop is empty. You look past no one for, but the bar had been cleared by the low poly pope. So the bar is effectively empty and unmanned even by any staff members. And there is a team.

tables with half-drunken cocktails and other beverages. Any of these could be potentially a place if you were to succeed at a present check to find what you're looking for. Okay, I'm gonna look around for some ding-dog boots. Oh man, presents, hey, hold on, presents. I got a 12.

A 12 is good enough. Now you're able to find a drink on one of the nearby tables or at the bar specifically. I'm gonna go over, oh man, it's left. So generally you're looking for 12 or better unless Derek says otherwise. Fighting a drink is going to be much easier than the average. I got a drink.

Do you roll a D20 or a D20? No, no, no. You're looking for 12 or better on a D20 test plus whatever modifier. Oh, sorry, gotcha. 12 is essentially the DC. I just saw the D12 over there. You can call it difficulty rating or DR in this game.

Oh, man, which is what I love, a pretentious, overpriced rooftop bar cocktail with only a little bit of backwash. You grab it and you swing it, trying to leave the backwash, to leave the backwash, put the backwash goes down. Oh, that's nasty. It goes out smooth. And you gain one.

That's the local cheek is in. One level of drunkenness. Man, they're serving dappas. It's all small plates. The local cheeks has changed so much. They're going to rip us off, but there's never in like, small place is so small.

Guys, this whole face doesn't look like he has any nuts to punch, so I guess I'm going to have to jump into magic. I'm going to cast a spell. How do I do that? Oh, DR. Well, read what they say. So I'm gonna catch bolt.

Yes, so you're zero six. What does that mean? Your difficulty rating of six compared to your mana. So you'll add your modifier. And if you succeed, do what it says. 12 plus. 14. Perfect.

Okay, so I succeed. And then what does it say? What a D4 damage? There you go. So rule your D4 damage. Okay. And it explodes. Are you drunk?

Oh, no. Dang it! Dang it! Okay, I'm gonna pick up, I'm gonna pick up like, oh. Like from on the table, there's gonna be like probably like a short rib slider. It still has like barbecue sauce on it.

Oh God, I've really got downhill. Oh God, it's probably $20 just for this one plate. Okay, anyway, and I pick it up and I charge it with Gary G, good big bottle middennis, good Barry magic and I eat it in the rat. And I do you two damage. Nice.

Two damage. You strike it. And then keep track of how many spells you've cast. Oh man. Gosh, two damage. That was one of my four spells of the day. You watch as this thin beam

of lightning streaks from Gary towards this massive animatronic face or this signage face and it hits. But only a small amount of sparks come out. You realize that this is a

beefy, massive sign, metal and plastic, and that it's probably gonna take a little bit more than a single bolt to take down. Nuckles, you're up. All right, fellas, let's lay pipe into this guy. And I'm that's for one. Do you hear that, maybe? Do you hear that, baby?

I don't think, I know, I heard it Susie said, Gary. If I could run, if there were drinks on this table. You have to pass a low DR presence check. I would like to pass a table and with my left hand grab the drink and down it as I go in with my other fist. As I lay pipe into the pipe and fist. That's what it means, right, fellas? I mean.

Yeah, I crush it. Yep. And then, so then I get one drink. You get one drink. Okay, bear with me here as I remember the rules. And I put that in the drink box. And then I need a rule to attack, right? Yep, so you're doing DR 20, or sorry, you're making a 20 test plus your strength.

Which you're very good at. 12. 12 is just enough. You crack into this thing. It's hard, it's heavy, but you are able to do some amount of damage. Points of damage. Okay. Oh, wait, do you have my strength of the damage or no?

Nope. Just do what it says on the weapon. Three strength. Okay. I mean, three damage. Does it turn? One moment. You all hear this thud.

this cracking sound and the massive face begins to turn as it's hovering over the floor of this rooftop and starts to look down with hideous anger. Clap your hands, sing along with me. As Andy, you take the initiative. Oh, oh, he doesn't do anything? Okay. No, he's got to be no leisure lines.

I know that I cannot reach this guy at the moment. So I'm gonna beeline it and use all of my movies. movement, one, two, three, four, five, six, and do this awesome slide across the bar top to try to get as close to behind the bars as I can. And I know that everybody else has been kind of drinking free action. I'd like to see if I can also use my action to drink more than one drink in one go.

Oh, okay. Make an investigation check to see if you can find... Is it presents? Alcohol. Yes. Okay, not very good. I got a nine. The DR's eight. Okay. Sweet.

I was gonna say there's a whole bar here. That would be awful, and I'm not even drunk yet. You jump down and you're able to find bottles of liquor, cans in the mini fridge. I begin to drink as much as I possibly consume for all of my actions until this thing is within stabbing distance. Put two drinks onto your sobriety,

a meter, whatever we're calling it. You guys watch the slide over the bar in this sick motion and I momentarily dip down you lose sight of me. And then I pop back up with two bottles in hands as I begin to drink. And that's my whole turn. Right, Andy? Yeah, right Andy?

What the fuck? Got a leg, you're up. Whoa, great idea. And you're not going to rail me with your eye laser. And I will also run straight to the bar. Do you hear that? Yeah, I don't know what they're saying, Gary. They're doing a bunch of weird puns that sound like sexual things. And I would like to try and grab a drink from the bar.

Make a presents test. Roll with D20 and add your presents. Natural 20. Oh, natural 20. Oh, natural. Absolutely. You find whatever alcohol you prefer. It is, not only do you find an alcohol in the first place, knowing that you need to drink in order to confront this terror that is surrealistic and nightmarish.

A tray of shots. It's exactly what you would have ordered if you were there. Excellent. As you reach the bar, I slide you a bottle of tequila and I said, I heard this is your lady. Oh, tequila is my lady! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, take this.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I fire my Nerf gun. This creature is already starting to spray out small spits of sparks and flame. You can watch almost electricity start to surround its frame as it looks at all of you, and you watch as its metal face face starts to elongate and it screams. This massive scream reverberates across the entire rooftop. I need all to roll a D4 and take that much damage.

Before I shoot it? All of us? Yes, exactly right. Is it reduced by armor at all? It is. Oh, that's a good sign. Okay. So then I'm going to take... So roll a D4? Wait, so what do we do right now? Roll a D4. Roll a D4. And then subtract your armor.

All right, I took three, but I'm going to reduce it by two, so I take one damage. I took two, so I just roll D2 from my arm. Oh, I do it. Oh my god, I have heavy armor. Yeah. My jingo jeans! Yeah, exactly right. I rolled two, but then I rolled two on my armor.

So you're fine. You're fine. I rolled two, rolled one on my armor, so I take one day. My armor isn't break though. No, no, unless you get crin. Got it. And so, and then because of this severity of this blast,

I need everyone to get pushed back for Forbes face. Oh, no. Do I get the bar? You go over it. You're a fucking puppet. Yeah, you just roll. You just flop over it.

Exactly. Exactly right, you just flop, you just flop over it. And it advances, it moves for squares right up next to knuckles, continue to scream as it unleashes this nightmare sound. And we're back to the top, we're back to the top of the round, Gary, you're doing. Well, I didn't get to shoot it. Was I not supposed to be able to shoot it?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You get it yet. You drank and then I thought that your turn was over. If I could drink and you're doing. Just take your turn. Yes, yes, yes. As a free action, you, you, you can. took your drink, you have your shot of tequila,

you said it was your lady, and then I moved on. One of you will go ahead and shoot at it. And that's just, I'd just roll a presence test again? Yes. Or I'll roll a D20. It's a range. It's a range attack, so it uses your presence. Yeah, D20 plus or minus your presence modifier. You're looking for a 12 or higher. Oh, crushed it.

He's got it. He almost crit, bro. 18. 18 hits. 18 hits. Roll for damage. Oh. D6. D6. You're supposed to be tracking shots, but don't worry about it too much. Two. Two points of damage. All truck shots.

I can't believe the Pope let you keep that. It was just a nerve. Once it strapped me up and all that stuff, I guess he wasn't too worried about him. How far can I move? Six squares. Everybody can move six. One, two, three, four.

I can rule under your legs. Five six. I'm behind them. Okay. Is it a bunch of wires behind them? You was in the back. and it's like looking at the back of a billboard on the highway.

It's all criss-crossing metal rails and rebar. Man, I wish I could find some dig-dog nuts to punch. This will have to do. Because I'm going to do a dig-dog punch. It's a strength, right? Yes, for metal. Oh, it's a heavy, I punch a brick. Ah, fuck.

You jump up kind of like Mario, and you smash into it and you hit one of the metal bits. You hear it reverberate, smashing your, Unfortunately not breaking your hand. Thank goodness, I don't got no ding-dog bones. I think I would have broken every single one of my ding-dark hand. Is that the conclusion of your turn? That's my turn.

I, oh, God. So when I got knocked back, there's still be drinks at the bar here. I'm going to try to like go around. Anytime you're looking in a new location for a drink, and if you've, I would say if you've like exhausted an area, you have to find a drink somewhere else. Okay, we're moving somewhere new. I'm going to run over the bar.

And so now I'm going to run over the bar. And so now I'm going to run over the bar. going to look for a drink. We're not playing D&D. Presence check. I, wait, D20. D20. Fuck. That's what you get for a

D6. I think it's a low. It's eight. It's eight. You need eight or higher. I got a one. Okay, that's not enough. That's not enough.

No, so I actually do, I'm searching around. Oh my God, a drink. Oh, I p.A. I'm who the fuck, drinks? Oh, God, put that shit down. God, you're gonna poison yourself. That's all that. I throw the glass away.

Catholic boys. And then I come, I get a coffee drink of coffee. Oh my God. I've been it from a microbrewer. Yeah. Oh, God. Then he taught himself during the pandemic that won't happen for another 15 years.

More stupid beards. Yeah, God. Gosh darn it. For my attack, I get a 22. Damn. That definitely does it. You have a shillard of shoo. Four points of damage.

Four points of damage. Nice. As this happens, you smash into it, and it starts to blink yellow and red as it reaches its halfway hit point piece. Just like in Turtles in Time, the arcade game, when you get a monstered boss down to a certain value, all of a sudden to blink faster and faster and faster,

and its eyes roll back, its face morphs even farther, and all of a sudden you realize this is serious business. Uh-oh. Oh, uh-oh. What? You hear another terrifying electronic stuff. as all of a sudden, Oh, Derek went all out for this.

As all of a sudden, the face changes. More cheese, more fun, smile, cheddar makes it better. It is losing its mind, and it's now that legendary actions are activated. It uses its laser beams and cuts down. I need both of you to make the equivalent of dexterity.

Presence checks for me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, agility. Natural 20. Wow. Natural 20, you're fine. All of us? Wait, so it's just, so is agility or his presence?

It's just too as he creates a beam. It should be agility. Oh, it's agility. Anytime you're trying to dodge or get out of the way of damage, you use agility. You're behind, he's just targeting knuckles and galilee. I knew I was being smart, I was being tacked. So, because.

Oh, he's this way, I see. Because he's going up this way. Got it. Well, yeah. Who failed? I think, I mean, I guess I failed. I got a nine. You got a nine.

You fail, you take three points of burning laser damage as all of a sudden his eye beam rails across you and you get railed. He's railing with his laser! Andy, you're up. I use my three points. One more drink. Okay.

To hit three and to get drunk. It's like when Fry drinks a hundred cups of coffee all of a sudden you feel the The alcohol hit your bloodstream. All of a sudden, all the anxiety is gone. The places are a little quieter. Oh, yeah. I guess I would like to roll on the drum table.

Please do. And I have plus one to my damage. I rolled a 15. Where is it, it's the real question. Do I have it here? Let me find it. Is this the status effects table? Yeah.

15. You can only speak like the hero of time. So I finished my drink and I set down the beer and I yell to Knuckles, hang on Knuckles, don't worry, I'm coming, but all you hear is, ha, ha, here, yeah! And I run across the bar and I use all my movement, but I can't quite get to the boss, and that's my turn. Ooh, the terrifying rat-faced mascot of the local cheese looks around and he recognizes that Knuckles is really the one who's done the most damage to him.

His eyes flash and you hear this sound, this crunch. You hear his voice, no one leaves until the song is over. And all of a sudden you look up and you see a massive, the letter T. As all of a sudden it comes crashing down, I needed to make an agility check for me. Everybody or just knuckles? Just knuckles. Oh, boy, come on, buddy.

Uh-oh, no, it's not good. I got a five. A five. It's not enough. You can't get out of the way. All of a sudden, this letter from the sign itself, crashes down onto you and you take three points of crashing down onto you damage.

Oh, that's nothing. You got it. Oh, I roll the two. So I take one damage. You take one damage, that's three incoming, I should say. That's the conclusion of his legendary action. Galilee. Fall knuckles account!

I would like to see if I was knocked back for spaces to the corner of the bar. Is there a drink near me? You'll have to make a present. He got tea, but I would like to. The DR is eight. You got tea boat. Another natural 20.

You find more tequila. You got to use those on your tack roll, scout man. Oh, tell me about it, man. Not on your eyeball rolls. It really doesn't matter. Natural 20. That's why I get milk.

Add your presence. Add my presents to the roll. Oh, 11. 11. Not enough, not enough. It flies wide just as the sign spins to the side in order to leverage its psychic ability to pull the letter that crushed down onto knuckles.

Now I'm just at two drinks, right? Exactly right. Its turn, it is going to swing around, knowing that it has a foe behind him, all of a sudden the massive billboard-sized face swings around and turns towards you, Gere, and its massive mouth open, two buck teeth, and another set of almost like shark teeth on the bottom,

slash down as it attempts to bite you. I need you to roll the dodge. Me? Exactly right. Uh-oh. Nice roll. Ah, I got a lot. A lot. You hear it clamped down, you're able to narrowly dodge out of the way.

And now it's your turn, Gary. What big teeth you have? What was that game where it was a gator and he had a bunch of teeth you could like pull out or like press up and they would chop on your finger. Oh, it was called like crocodile dentist or something. Crocodile dentist is fucking guy. I said it out of character.

And I put, I'm crocodile dentist's using this ding-dog rat, pukhow! As I, it was called crocodile dentist. Crocodile dentist is probably what it was. I'm gonna look it up. It is crocodile dentists. Wow, wow. What a pull.

Crocodile dent is out of this year. It doesn't have says in the tent. Yeah. I get a 12th. Are you hit? Number five, I get a not. You miss. Or rather you hit and do no damage, however you want to flavor it.

But unfortunately, you are unable to strike the rat-face mascot. Gosh! This guy really, he really drinks his milk and he brushes his teeth. He's got a hard enamel. But I think he got a little bit of juice or vitis, so don't worry, that's going to get him. That's my term. I got one else. Furious that he missed with his bite attack and annoyed that you attempt to pull his beautiful enamel rat teeth.

You hear a sound as all of a sudden, a ripping sound comes from the front of the building, and a giant letter starts to fly up. You see a massive O start to swing and then end over end towards you. I need you to make an agility check to see. If you can dodge out of the way of this massive sign letter. I failed.

Oh no. You've got a... Six damage at home. You can block the whole thing. I'm gonna block it. Oh, damn it. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Not a lot. Oh, no. Goosh. You all watch his knuck, as Gary disappears under the sign of the O from out front. We are vulnerable. I got two HB. Knuckles, you're up. Oh, golly.

Am I prone from being hit by the T? Is there any effect? Ooh. Do we do prone? I think we do prone. We do, but if you didn't bake that in. That's up to you, brother. I didn't look at your stab. I didn't make it in. I'm all, I'm down on all floors.

I look over. Are you next to me, Andy? I'm like 10 feet away, because I'm so close, but I didn't quite make it to you. I didn't have enough movement. Man, Andy, you weren't really pounding it back there, but thanks for coming. Gary, are you here anyways? Is it just me? Gary, tell me you heard that one. I get up. I mean, what I said, I wouldn't, I would have. I would have. I would have. I would I'm gonna crush my face.

Okay. Everybody's out of control. It wasn't what I had a vibe. Can we like the fucking guys, please. Can we lock in? Dan, I'm just gonna fist the guy. I'm going to. I find beer, and it's another IPA.

There's nothing but IPA. How many beers are not being? I'll just drink it. I close my nose and I, why am I rolling a D-6? I take a drink. Yep. And now I will roll to attack. Okay.

Actually, I don't say any of that. I say, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right, that's right, that's right. That's what you all hear. I'm speaking normally, but you guys just hear me making lots of noise. Do I have any way to give myself advantage? No. No.

This is a nice, similar thing. You can use one of the twists. Oh, I'm gonna. So you can add, or do we do, you just add to it. I think we're gonna use the twos. You have so few twists, I'm just thinking straight root. How many we have? I don't even know.

Let me see if I have a count. Let me see if I have a count. Yeah, the train was like before we even went along. Yeah, yeah. You might not have any twists. Five twists. I will pass my turn. I have one dread.

We have five twists. Yeah, use a re-roll. Oh, I'll use a re-roll. That's what they're there for. 10. You've so much strength, dude. I know. It's your plus three.

It's about the most you can get. Yeah, yeah. How much damage you do? No, I miss. You miss? I miss. I miss. So seven plus three is 10.

Good try. Good try. This guy can really take our fist on. We'll take our fist on me. They're rubbing off on me. They rub it off on me, Andy. Don't worry, guys. On my turn, I'm going to shoot for his mouth.

Oh, God, Andy, they rub it off on me. Oh, God. We must say strong, brother. We must say frog. That's very funny. That's it. The nightmare creature looks around and and he sees Knuckles and Andy standing there,

and his eyes again, like beady little red dots turn into the lasers and a flash of light strikes across the rooftop. You both need to make agility checks to dodge out of the way as these lasers rail against you. I got a 10. You've got a 10. You will take agility? Agility.

11. That might be good enough. Not a good enough. It's a three for both of you. Only three damage. I block all of it. I rolled it four on my arm. Five. Oh, nice, nice. Let's go. And it's screaming all sorts of obscenities.

Andy, you're out. My chart. Oh, I place the bottle of liquor that was in my hand on the bar so that you can see it. Knuckles. As my free object interaction, I place a bottle of vodka right on the table. Presumably, if you're doing it hero of time style, you're holding it above you and then you like And then I charge forward and I jump at the rat and I yell to everybody. Don't worry, guys. I'm going to penetrate him super deep.

But all you guys hear is, as I go into making an attack. Gosh, this is, this rat. I've got a 15 hit. Oh, good. That hits? And I am drunk. So I'm going to add one to my mall katana 1D10 and hopefully get a 10 to explode. No, I don't.

I got four points of damage, like slash at this creature as I continue to make hero of time noises. A full metal whisker falls down and with a clash smashes into the floor of this rooftop bar area. Before you are able to do anything, however, it jerks looking immediately furious with you. He's jerking! Andy, you hear a whistle sound, and you hear a whistle sound,

And you look up and you realize that there is a letter flying towards you. A massive E. Just in a agility check? Yep. Jilly test. Oof, duh. I got a nine. Nine isn't good enough.

This guy's throwing toes at us. This is going to be six incoming damage. I block four of it and take two. Okay. You got to Leo. You're up. I run from the bar to this table and I slide on the ground, get here, and then I have to unathletical.

and I get to the edge and I hope to find a drink. Look for it. I don't find it. You don't find it? Oh, fuck. Time to open one, bitch. You wrote over to what you think is a drink. But when you bite the time to get there.

Time to open one, motherfucker? It's an already drank drunk. God! Already drank drink. Settle now, base. Fuck! You're not not doing ghosts anymore. more.

Shoot my glove. Oh my glove you got. Oh my glove you got. Oh my glove. Oh my glove. These guys are the size of a fucking bar. Oh, my God. I'm presuming that you miss.

Derek, I got a six both times. That's a nightmare. Fuck. This guy's bobbing and weaving. He's bobbing on them. Seemingly irritated by the sound of your voice, the, oh. No, he's going to drop it.

He's gonna drop an ass and it's gonna spell drugs. And all of a sudden you realize the sign where you were about to shoot, it disappears. Where your bullet would have hit it, it vanishes. And it fails clear and free. And all of a sudden, you look behind you as you follow the direction of your allies' eyes as you realize that the sign is directly behind you.

And you're making agility test to see if you can dodge out of the wave of its massive bite. Oh, God. A jewelry touch? Got a laser eyes, yeah. I got an 18 for agility. 18, you will only take half of two, so you have one incoming damage,

and you can roll your armor, which is... I think I can't, yeah. Yeah, you can't take damage. You're surprisingly able to dart down underneath the table. This rounded table explodes into splinters in the mouth of this rat-faced mascot sign in its mouth, but you do not take any damage, and that's the conclusion of its turn, Gary, you're up.

Oh, man, I was just about to... I was about to fucking punch him. I know. This thing's crafty. T-O-E. Man, I guess Quentin Tarantino did become quite famous in the nightbeats, so it actually stands the reason that he would be involved with this picture. Anyway, I'm going to go to look for a drinkable beer.

It's a drinkable beer, indeed. I got a 19, I think. That hits. 19. Okay. Finally, finally, finally, some nice, good paps, the blue rip. Look, look, look, look, look. What do you fucking way they serve that in our rooftop?

What do you talk I remember? Final. Don't worry about it. Man, that guy's pretty far away, huh, Andy? I'm at the bar with Andy. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I know. I know, buddy.

I know. I agree. That's a conclusion your turn, go? No. I look. And I'll say, I'm going to use a special move I used for my old bath.

Hey, shut up and go to bed. I'm going to bed. Yeah. Whoa. It's an improvised level. You just have to use your presence. Oh, no, no. Oh, okay, okay.

Okay. Oh, my kid. Oh, God. I'm using a twist. I'm using a twist. Yeah, do you need like a six, bro. I'm using a twist. Yes.

Oh, no. You need like a six, man. Oh, the sky's eating us from a heart. Dang it. Like, it's a six, man. Stop them. Okay, that's it. I blow my spell.

I'm blown by a lot of a spell. You hear a reverberating boom of laughter from the sky. Ah, shut up! As your turn comes to an end, it's gonna try another bite on you, Galilee. Make an agility test. Oh no. It's basically acting like the-

15. Yeah, you only take, oh no, no, no, you are able to dodge it away, so it's not a half-to-y. Okay, that's the, that's it. That's it. Knuckles. Bro, just telling the bar. Guys, come out, man.

This guy's trying to eat my ass. It's the 90s. I saw on the internet that it's 20-22, we eat ass now, so I'm just going to pour myself a shot real quick. What is it? Is it tequila? Oh, yeah, it was vodka. It was a bottle of vodka.

Oh, it'll do the trick. Oh, I need to find it, though. I need to find it. You know, Andy? I don't know. I tried to, like, put it so it was very easy for you to find it. Do I need to make a check to find it? or can I just do it?

Because any RP did he put it down gently for you, I can say that you can just take the drink as part of your free interaction, and then you can move on with your turn. You know, this is reminding me that my mom did ask me to go to the grocery store. One, two, three, four, five, and I go up, and I'll hit him, I'll punch him.

That's huge! Double dice. Explain this to me. You just roll twice many dice. Okay. Three? Three. Explode. Was he drunk?

Four. I am. Then it'll explode, yeah. Oh, three. Oh, it does. Hold on, hold on. Oh, you are drunk? Three.

Three. Hold on. So I have four damage right now. Five. Roan, mid damage. Four. Explod. You have one explode.

I have two. No, no. Oh, you got two? I roll two D four. Oh, yeah. I double that, so I've only rolled the four, 44. Okay.

So I need to roll my two explodes. Okay. And then four. That explodes, right? Yeah. So that's, so I'm a I'm at... Just still two.

Just keep... No, but I'm trying to think my damage. So I did three, one, one. It was five. Then I rolled a four, which was nine. Now I rolled another four. 13. Oh, you...

Okay, I see what you're doing. Yep. But that triggered another four, so that's a two. And then I have one more left. One. Yep. So now that's all. So, oh, 16 points of damage.

Nice. Holy. Just a fury, man. Just gets in there. Oh my god, I'll see Galileo just over and screaming. And what is, are there any letters nearby? Yeah, you would have passed the O and the T.

As I walk by, I'm gonna pick up the O. I'm gonna give you an O face. I slap him with the, he's blinking yellow and red faster and faster and faster. And now in this moment when he finally was able to get a non-IPA drink, the vodka hits knuckles, not chuckles, knuckles, and he's able to race it forward. He slams into the side of this rat face mascot's

science face, it crashes into nothingness. Lightning flies out in all directions and whatever strange, divine Catholic energy was coursing through it, breaks apart and splinters falling to the ground, clearly lifeless. Its last words, Your bones will rattle like tokens in the shoe. What?

I hit him with him. That's kind of the cross. Guys, is everybody okay? Get out of your life. Oh, knuckles, man. Cowbonga! You know, buddy. Oh, hold on.

I brought you a bottle of vodka. Oh. Yes! What the hell was that? I'm gonna look around for another drink. I don't feel like I'm ready to do it most of hip. Without the pressure of combat upon you, you're able to find a drink very easily. You walk over to the bar,

you are able to pull up in the mini fridge and grab a beer or make yourself a cocktail at your own leisure. And for a few moments, you all... Fibery just are enjoying the soft breeze of the night air on this cool rooftop. It's all quiet, silent. Andy, you feel the hero of time fade from you as you're able to speak once again.

Guys, that was crazy. Oh, man. Thanks for coming to save me from the Catholics. Dude, we were never gonna leave you behind, man. Oh, that was crazy. So, wait, that was actually the Pope. The actual legendary Catholic poison? I mean, did you see that guy's helicopter? I mean, it certainly looked like it.

I mean, what else would that be? I just can't believe my own eyes. Yeah, I mean, gosh. Jeez. That was pretty rad. All right, I'm getting a beer. I can't believe, I can't believe all that happened. Did he leave that Catholic poison behind it?

Did he take it with him? I think it's with him. I'll go behind the bar. And grab four drinks to doll out one to each member as we toast to our victory. Just as you start to down these beers, you watch as the elevator dings and the crisscross gate opens and out steps the manager.

Hey! Oh, damn it. God! That's where we'll take a quick break. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Avantress and gain access to tons of exclusive perks

including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas, Shroud over Saltmarsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon,

a folk horror tome for Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition. And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. You are all alone on the rooftop bar area of the local cheese, and you are just about to cheers and enjoy a well-earned beverage when the elevator doors swing wide open, and there standing alone is the manager wearing his... He's buttoned cardigan and coin change distribution device on the side of his belts, his large coke bottle glasses staring at all four of you, four of you. Hey, what are you guys doing up here? His voice is still grating on me.

Gosh, this guy over here, I thought we told you we don't really care about your jurisdiction. Dude, go away, man. We're in lockdown. There are security protocols. There's a news. Newscaster outside. This is about a huge problem. Wait, what are you doing on the roof?

Newscaster? What newscaster? Look at what you've done to my sign. Look at my beautiful sign. You know how much of these costs? We can't buy these every week. It wasn't us. I mean, you're never going to believe who did it.

I can give you 100 people than you would never guess. I think you did it. It wasn't us. No, it wasn't us. We fucking killed this guy. Listen, listen. You think this was us? I know.

I know this is going to be hard to believe. but we promise you it was the Pope it was the Pope and literal God it was it was the low poly Pope the low poly Pope yeah not the not the poly Pope and that will be popularized for another 15 weeks I thought about that up here I had to make sure I said local very specifically he didn't even his helicopter was low poly yeah it was like the house of the dead his voice acting was about just as good yeah I should have known that the low Pope was behind me. I told you, see, he was the little,

Pali Pope. Wow, that was pretty easy. I never thought that you'd believe us. He's been a problem before. Really? Pope has been to the local cheese before? Enough. Too many questions.

Wow, there's some deep law going on here, Andy. There's some deep lore. Yeah. I'll tell you what we'll do. You may have destroyed our beautiful mascot sign, but you drove the Catholic Church away. So we'll call it even. Well, that's it, I mean, can we at least get a couple drink, drink tickets?

Fokens are you? You like throw it a free appetizer or three slices cheese. I mean, at least a fucking, we fall back the entire Catholic church. We're gonna end up. We're gonna end lockdown. Oh, he goes, choo, chooch, chute, chute. And he creates four tokens. Here are free, three, free drinks for each of you.

Oh, sweet. Oh shit. Enjoy the rest of the night at the local cheese. And he gives you this horrible smile. Just the worst smile. I hate what he looks at us. All right, I mean... I'll have some men up here to clean this mess up.

Gosh, man, it'll be a while before Eviseline is popularized. That's brutal, Gary. That's very funny. That's very funny. Yes. Oh, nice. What do you mean you just invented? They just invented the caravan.

It's like a car and a van at the same time. That's where the name comes from. That's 1994. I don't think that's up. I'm gonna go cash in my token and get a drink immediately. We don't wanna talk to anymore. I don't wanna talk to you either. Okay.

Oh wait, hold, hold on, hold on. Hey, what was your name again? I'm the manager. Hey, the manager. I think you had a name earlier, but you probably forgot right now. Is he said it, Reggie? Reggie, my old. My name is Reginald.

Oh, my old. Oh, my old man. This guy's fucking waiting. What a fucking loser is. He's cutting us off. Hey, Reggie, I have a question. If, if you had to wear a big hat and there was a rack, You know, like a rat that's pulling your hair,

who would you get ratatoo? Gary, you gotta stop asking you this. Nobody understands what you're talking about. Who would you have to be ratatooie? Oh, and who would voice the rat? And then who would voice the rat? Who would voice the rat? That's the criticism.

This is ratatooie. It's not just a rat, it's a ratatooie. Hmm, that's a really tough question. Yeah, I know, right? It's tough. What do you think there, buddy? What do you think, Reggie? I think.

Hold on. You always wanted to do. Did you have to open up this camera? I mean, I'm just curious. I mean, it's a nice thought provoking question. Well, Gary, what's your answer, man? You got the perfect half for. Yeah, look at that.

Yeah, I mean, that rack can get a run out of underwear. His hat's a little fleshy, I'm gonna be honest. I'm not sure that's that hat. Wait, why would you, I think he's got a combing. Why would you assume that there's a rat who knows ancient sorcery? Oh! Oh, that there's a rat? No way, man.

That ain't the sorcerer a rat? Why would you assume that there's a rat that's a rat chewing under my hat? Of first of all, First of all, I don't know what a ratatouille is. It's the 90s. However, if someone were to ratatooie, me, I've always wanted to play the harp. I thought for sure he's going to say be good at managing. Hey, that was a pretty sincere answer, though.

I want to be voiced by Salma Hayek. All right, that's pretty cool. You know, I keep asking this question. I'm quite known for it. And actually, I was telling my, I kept asking my old college roommate Brad Bird about him. So, you know, he always got frustrated with me. He said, Gary, stop asking me, well, if there was a ratatoo under your hat, telling you what to do. Well, I get frustrated when you ask me that question.

So obviously, that makes sense that other people get frustrated with you. I don't know. I feel like it's very thought-provoking. I don't believe you. The next thing you'll be telling it, you told this Bradbird character about all of these superhero ideas you had. That's outrageous. All the characters that I was ruined when I was. 2006 ready I called it all right minus one you still have his number I can probably look

above with the phone book that the yellow painters are still a thing when you do give him a call and tell him don't make tomorrow land whatever he does you think it would have an impact on George Clude's career he's really big right now probably not George Clooney's career I'm really looking forward to Batman and Robin I think it's gonna be a smash hit and solidify it's the number one star we're getting too close to narrowing what year we're talking Gotta be freaking great. Okay, minus one for the heart thing, plus one for the Salma Hayek thing.

Can you leave us alone? You leave me alone. I've got to get people up here to clean up this mess. We've got to fix the sign. All right. Well, then we're taking the elevator. You stay up here. All right.

Okay. All right. Well, let's... I'll be watching you. We all head to the elevator. You make sure you move the tokens. Yeah. That's important.

Obviously. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. They're cleaning up for a happy hour from dynamics finally. You see the manager and it pulls out his walkie-tonkey, he starts to message

into it and by the time the door's closed, you imagine that there are roofed up bars and thing in the 90s. You do not understand how reality works. What was an epic fight of what felt like

75 floors of of brutal back and forth battle combat action. Turn by, turn, by turn by turn by turn. It's just a few floors. Ding, it opens and all of a sudden you're out. And you walk into the arcade floor of the local cheese. This massive open space. There are people playing games,

a cacophony of digital noises, screaming, yelling, talking, eating. There are tubes that make their way across the ceiling that people are crawling through to make their way through the different spaces of this insane. restaurant slash arcade. You know, I gotta say, guys, the weekend's not even over yet.

Whoa, this is one for the ages. This is, we're gonna, we're gonna rage. And how often do you get to see the Pope? I mean, Galo Lowe barely survived. I mean... I'll never see the Catholic Church again. I don't know. I'll be too soon.

Wait a minute. A lockdown? Yeah? The Catholic Church? Guys, I've seen wreck before. It won't be out for a while. I don't know what that is. I mean, probably, what, like four or five years?

I pondered it by org, I think it's coming out. It's coming out probably at least within the next decade. We're all basically on mission. It just keeps showing up that we just know everything. Anyway, are you think there's any big booty golf girls playing Street Fighter 2? Almost go check it out. And we should go find out. All right, let's go.

Let's go. I'm grabbing a drink and my free token on the way. You pass a drink station where you're all able to, if you want, turning your tokens and get a, beverage as you start to walk out. I would like to do that into the arcade floor. That gives me five. I will too Why don't you roll on the status effects table? Oh it gives me five as well. That'll put me a four Oh, I'm at three. I got a 17. Yes, you roll at three. We must have missed some status effects. I missed a I missed. I missed one. Yeah, I got one. Yeah, I got to four. That's okay. Well, you go and you missed your three. Okay, so that means that all

four are you are going to be able to roll on the status effects. All right. I got a 17. D20. Yep. One. Uh-oh. 12. All right, one moment. One, twelve. And what do you get, Andy? 17. Oh, that's awesome.

Good for you. Just pocketballs a camera. Same core progression, right? Yeah. Okay. Knuckles, right? Yeah. Okay.

Knuckles. You are, um... You suddenly, uh, don't say monkey. All of that. We tried to swap out once in a round. All of that alcohol hits you. Uh...

Just as you are finishing up a beer or whatever beverage of choice you might have been having, and you realize suddenly that you have to pee real bad. As you were assessing this information, you know, you take this moment to reflect. You're thinking about the time that you spent on the roof, all of the strange things that the low-poly pope told you, his desire to feed you Catholic poison, he told you of this incredible plot. You don't remember all of the details, but you felt that it was quite nefarious worldwide. A truly sinister conspiracy.

And you gain a sense of resolution, a resolve inside of you. And you gain a permanent plus one to all presence checks. Oh, my God. New Da Vinci was wrong. Hey. Gary, you finish your drink. And when you do, it goes, and you realize that everything that you do produces arcade bleep's blutes and sound effects.

Bleep bloop. Bleep bloop. Uh-oh. Chuck's guys. Bleep, bloop. Galileo, bloop. It looks as if you've bleep bloop, been whispered to

about the great treasures of Constantinople. Bleep, bloop. Why is he saying that? Well, because I don't know the whole details, man, but the Catholic Church was doing something worldwide, dude. That's why they were kidnapping me.

They killed me with the California. This goes all the way to the top. Is that what you're saying? Not even the low-pocket. The treasured in Caledashveno? How do we find ourselves in these problems? The gates of Babylon? I just wanted to slice of pizza and a couple beers.

Well, you can't always get what you want. So long as you've got to do with the Catholic Gripsers. That is very true. Is he going to come back and finish the job? I mean, he kind of ran away easily. I agree you didn't say. He showed up on the roof and he helicoptered away. He also yelled that we wouldn't be the last that we saw of it.

Yeah. That's true. The Catholic Pope will must certainly show up again. Oh, man, do you think he's going to come back and try and kill me again? For sure. Oh, with poison? Yeah. Oh, I hate Catholic poison.

And this time he probably won't take an hour to deliver it. I kind of loves monologue, and he loves standing on things. I mean, I feel like he had at least, I mean, he had about an entire session, the gameplay. I could have at least, right? Well, that's how I found out about the whole plan. I mean, he was just, he was talking about it. monologue then, wow. You should probably just disavow heliocentrism so we can get on with this.

I don't know, it's like kind of a stintosh. I'm just, I'm just saying. Galileo, I'm going to give you the opposite opinion. Don't give them in your dreams, man. Well, all I'm saying is that ceiling light, that's revolving around us right now. Okay? We're not moving around this floor. That's moving around us.

Wait, so, so, Gallo, are you saying that the sun, rotates around the earth? Yeah. A hundred percent. Oh. A hundred percent. This has been a giant. This is a giant.

It's a statement. Wow. We should let him know. Oh. That's such an easy mistake to me. We should let him know that the the, the laws of creation are unstable. What are you got saying? Why would you apply, why do you imply Galileo?

Just because you've been whispered to about the treasures of Kauza, nope. That I might have a yellow rodent under my hat, pulling my hair and teaching you dasher. Why would you ever apply? I never said it was yellow, man. I never said it was a yellow rat. Do you have a yellow rat over that hat?

No, I do not have a yellow spot. Is that why you even had? That's right. That's... Andy, man, check his hat. Check it again. He's got a yellow spot and rat over that. You, I learned magic the old-fashioned way

the wizards do by reading books and shit. Look, I just want you to know... Read a books of shit! The rat thing might be real, but all the rat thing might be real, but also, Gary just, he doesn't, he never takes the hat off. I don't think it can come off. I think it's fused to his skull. He's sensitive about it. Don't bring it up. He's got a yellow spotted, I mean, spellcast and rat under his hat.

Hey, who am I? I'm just saying, why is it like punching people on the nuts? Oh, let's show the steel dress. I mean, I don't know. It's been a puny color. I mean, I just make sure you don't get kidnapped and or murdered again. Maybe you send, I mean, emails. Emails are a thing right now, right?

Emails are a thing right now. Why don't you log in the AOL and send the Pope an email and just clear it up? You can't just send the Pope an email? Of course he can. What do you think his email is Pope at AOL.com? Probably low-polo-poly pope at AOL.com. Yeah, well, like, if they have their own domain or something, man, like I have the church. Just don't email polypope.

Just email and be like, look, we got our celestial bodies all mixed up and that we're on the same page. I'm not going to get celestial bodies. Did we know if it's a Friday or Saturday? You think real hard, and then you realize that 17 that you have total amnesia. Oh, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep,

bleep, bleep. We're gonna go play some games, fellas? What do you think? Yeah, let's stop talking about the boat, man. I'm the church, so on. Who the fuck are you guys? What? What? You're talking about, Andy? What?

What the fuck? What? Who the fuck is Andy? Who the fuck am I? Yeah. You don't know what the fuck I am? I don't. What? Stop fucking with me.

Yeah, you were your oldest dig down friends. We know each other since middle school. We're always going to middle school together? No? Yeah, it was eight. You look like your 512. What? Yeah, I mean, I'm not sure that.

There's no way you and I went to middle school together. Yeah, we went to middle school together. You don't remember that? I went, I went gray at 11. I'm really sorry to hear that, but. I mean, it doesn't happen. not really my problem. Yeah.

The pressure to pee is still rising in you, knuckles. Yeah, you see. I'm true. I need you to make, I need you to make a, um, what's our toughness equivalent? Uh, is it? No, there is toughness.

Toughness. That was a toughness. That was, that was, that was, I don't know what your name is, but what's wrong with him? He's dancing weird. I'm fine, I wanna go play some street fighter. Come on, come on, come on.

You know, they were, big booty golf girls over there. Let's go. Oh, yeah. All right. All right. 18, that's one success. I don't know much about anything.

But I like that you guys also like Big Booty Gauthchish. Is it okay if I tag along? Yeah. I'm not sure what kind of bit you're doing, but yeah, let's go play some fucking street fighter. I probably took a couple of too many lasers to the... Shouldn't you be making like, you know,

arcade sounds or something? Oh, blie-billy-blue. Just say like Sonic boom a lot. The Sonic boom! Sonic boom! Sonic boom! You're straight. circle around the arcade floor looking for where the older arcade cabinets are.

Street Fighter isn't as new as some of the ones that have come out just this week. Street Fighter 2 is perhaps a few months old. And so you have to sort of search. You pass by the ticket counter where you can turn in your tickets for prizes. You see your friend there behind the bar whose name I certainly remember. You continue. You pass by... The ancient elder...

one. Yes, exactly right. You pass by the... I listen for any clapping. Oh, Bethesophiles. Oh, it's bad. That chicken booth. Giving away fuzzy troll pezzles offers. It was only five months ago wherever the long of it was that we played this game.

And... Leonard. Thank you. Leonard. We played a loser. Leonard. We passed by Leonard. wearing his turtleneck. His gaunt gray face and bald head looks out at you

as he exchanges tickets for prizes. You continue to walk and you pass by a... And his brother. As you know, the local cheese is still certainly under renovation. They've been redecorating.

They've been changing the decor. And you pass by what appears to be a new installation of restaurant that might be at the back of the local cheese. A restaurant attached to a restaurant, and you can see opening soon the Fern Gully Grill. You continue walking as you...

Product science. Continue to weave through. Searching. They're really running a hard time. Searching for these gothers. when you are hit by a smell. There is this fowl. Is that Lotho?

Is that Lotho? I need know what I'm not. Is that Lothai? Oh, Jesus, Dalai. He said it. No, no, I didn't. Richie. It's Richie.

You are hit by what is very clearly ranked body odor. Oh. Oh. In Islam. I don't want to have. alarm anyone. But like, what am I doing here?

And what is that awful stench? Oh. Enough of the existential questions, Andy. What are any of us doing here? Just go along with it, okay? We're looking for goth girls. You're having a great time. Whoa, who gave me the sword? Oh! Oh! You accidentally

hit someone in the face. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. He races off to the bathroom. Joe. Shit. To clean himself up. Did you just give these to people? I mean, that's your sword.

That's your mall katana. You bought it at the mall? You don't remember that, Andy? It looks like a cheap piece of crap. Whoa, that's your prize possession, man. This is my prize possession. That's your favorite thing about talking about me. Yeah, you worked all summer at the video store to afford it.

Yeah, you don't remember that? You charge a lot of late fees. You wouldn't even give me a wave. Anybody smell that? Oh, yeah. Oh, what is that? Oh, gosh. Oh, they're playing magic the gathering over the game.

And sure enough, as you turn out, and you realize that an area of the arcade floor has been cleared of way. Sure enough, there is a, it's all alpha and beta baby, as they are sitting around and playing a card game. In the middle of all the bright lights and neon signs and digital sounds, they are sitting down focused intently on the cards in their hands and on each other. As you see what appear to be

perhaps a dozen or so people sitting across from each other playing this very new rating card game that's sweeping the nation. There are no goth chicks here. You guys said there'd be goth chicks. Well, we kind of just assumed they were last time. These are a bunch of nerds playing cards.

And they smell. I guess they were scared away. Oh, man. Why are they playing this when they could be playing dead or alive beach volleyball too. Make a presents check for me, Andy. God, what fucking loses?

I say as I look around at all of my late 30s friends at day and chops on Friday night. I got an 11. I will say that that's good enough. The amnesia begins to fade, and as you and your friends are looking at this table, you realize that you recognize one at the end of the table, and

it's just as you lock eyes with her, that she looks up and looks at, you. Andy? This woman with a relatively petite features brown hair, big round glasses, stands up, and suddenly you realize that you recognize this woman. This is Mina, one of your ex-girlfriends. What? Nina? Oh, shit. Is that Mina? What are you doing? You haven't been in touch for 12 years, and you stole my trading cards. What, wait, hold on. Andy, you don't play trading cards. Do you? Andy, you always said you didn't do that, man.

Yes, that was lame nerd shit. I didn't steal them. You left them at my house. You never, you never contacted me. You never, I told me, you emailed me that you were going to break up with me and you kept my cards. Uh-oh. Look, look. We were barely dating.

It was the end of high school. We were going to college. Different schools. How dare you? We had something special. Uh-oh. I mean, we dated for like what? I don't know, a few weeks?

You, give me my cards back. Well, I don't have them on me. I haven't lived in my box house for, like, right now. Hey, Bita, I had a slightly brown hair back then. Her baby was blonde, I mean, he was a red head. You're still hanging around with this guy? Yeah, of course. Why?

Who's why you're dubbed your, I'm sorry, old ass. I live with him, he's my roommate now. Because all you were doing was sticking up the place with your trading card games. They're not going to defuse it. That's what I was saying. I haven't lived at home for like almost 15 years. You stole my cards and you're breaking my heart all over again. She holds up her hand and the deck, a stack of cards on the table,

flipped into her hand like that. You're going down, Andy. And she pulls out a card and she starts to toss it towards you. And that is where we'll end tonight's session. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Events. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin Tier

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