Legends of Avantris - Icebound | Side Story 3 | The Choice To Head North

Episode Date: April 4, 2025

In this special one-shot adventure, follow the story of two human brothers and two other humans who also chose to leave Ogreton to explore the world and seek their own destinies...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/b2SZdf8meto?si=lx579IbNs1qVORap

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. I'm Derek Hudson and you're listening to Icebound. Gabagul, Porcos. It's been a hard few weeks, months even, since your experience in the mountains. It's been a month and a half since you met with Daisy and traveled. You, yourself, and your brother. into the mountains and were confronted by a terrible monster creature that you don't know the name of, but

many call the Remmeraz. And you barely escaped with your very lives only because of the strength of the one you know is Alcatra. Were you able to wake up the next day to the solemn news of the death of sausage? your brother. He was so young. He was just a kid. He was so young.

He was a good kid. The two of you have been journeying since you woke up one morning to find that Daisy had moved on, had traveled, continuing on her journey south. But with just the two of you, it became obvious. Colder climbs, danger, the, uh, whatever it was that Daisy was seeking me. meant not as much to you as perhaps finding some escape, some new path in Dracar. So you retraced your steps in some ways north, northeast, hoping to find out what land lies beyond. Northeast to perhaps a coast, some other settlement, you have to survive off the land.

The two of you hunting, occasionally finding food, finding fuel, and surviving the harsh, cold, brutal weather of Dracar here in the middle of winter. And that's when you spy it. You're looking... It's midday and you've been traveling and you see a thin tendril of smoke poking just above the tree line. A thin dendril smoke just above the tree line. The two of you realize that... Perhaps another 15, 20 minutes from here, you might be approaching some other camp, or at least some other civilization. What do you do?

Gosh, you know, pork. You know who loves him tendrils of snow smoke over the tree line? Oh, I know who. Saucid would have loved seeing this. He was so young. He would have loved to be alive right now. He was just a kid. Our baby brother.

Our baby brother named the kid, 42. He had a life ahead of him. I hope this room is just four hours. You guys just saying that over room. I really hope. Gosh. Poor sausage would have loved. Would have loved seeing a thin, tender look, smoke over the tree line.

I cannot believe that Alcatra left us there in the snow. Yeah, I was calling her a good kid. She was not a good kid. Yeah, she abandoned us to die. freeze to death. After all the work we did saving her from that big bug, what a load of horseshit. This is the text we get. This is the respect that she gives to her out this. That's unacceptable. She does not understand what we contributed. I don't think that she realizes that she's an idiot for doing sound. We're the beginning to be expecting, man.

They, who, wait, who? Because big bugs or something, huh? I'm gonna say That little rat Is what I'm gonna call her Little The thief They should have called the rat kebab That's what they should have called the

And the thief After all that we did Oh because a rat kebab is food Yes exactly Yes that's what up to almost And we are We are food Yeah well no I'm not food

Just my name is Gabagoo And I am porkos Oh, yeah. That'd be kind of flip. The two of you were just standing there. Nikki, want to get it? Did she...

No, but she... You feel like hot pot? Yeah, no. Oh, remember that time when we were all reminiscing and casually reminded that we witnessed our own parents getting eaten by ogus,

which wasn't previously revealed in the entire arc. Remember that time? Yes, I do remember that time. Holy crap, Noah. That was fucking wild. That was fucking wild. Yes, Gabagool, that was, I tried to forget.

Well, all I can say, you know, she may have betrayed us, and she may have been totally thankless. But I do wish the kid a terrible slow death freezing the death. It is inevitable. For she went south. Oh yeah, that's bad. See, they're going to be expecting that. Anyway, for...

Having taken this brief rest, who is there? The two of you start to march on. And before you reach your destination, tell me, what do you look like? Gabagool, Porcos. What is your appearance? You're both humans, and you both are from the city of Ogerton.

But describe yourself. How would you look to someone for the first time? I insist. I am probably in my 50s. Wait, when do we all get sackedimoniously eaten by ogres? I would like just avoided it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another couple months and you would have gone.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm like in my 50s or 60s, I don't know, early 60s. Sure. I am short. I've got a pot belly. I've got no matter what, no matter how long I go without. shaving or even if I shave, I just always have like a thick five o'clock shadow. It's very dark.

I'm bolding. And it's kind of frathing. The hair that I do that on my head is like, you know, super unkempt and wild. I'm picturing Homer Simpson for some reason. It's streaks of gray. Yeah, that's what I look like. I have a meat hook, a big meat hook because I was a butcher in Ogerton. I would slaughter the street of least sentient cows with no remorse.

As they made eye contact and pleaded and pleaded it Percos Remember when those strangely intelligent cows pleaded for their lives? Come on, take of him

Yes, stop mentioning it. That's why I had old Balfi with me. Porcos. How would you appear? I am a giant man. I'm at least seven feet tall. Very genetically gifted.

Very large. and broad and strong, a completely shaven head, and a large mustache, as well as I could keep it all like sort of shaved and well kept as best I could in the horrible terrors of Jakar. And wearing whatever sort of simple leather winter gear we would have brought with us, we would have made. And we would have found, you know, in our travels,

We would have maybe found various abandoned settlements. And so I still have a few javelins on me. I would have whatever supplies and rations. And I would also be carrying a gigantic door that I had ripped off one of the... This was a curiosity. In your last week alone, you feel like you are reaching some new civilization.

You are finding huts and small domiciles, mostly stone made, but there was still a weathered door that you were able to easily pull free. It seems sturdy enough, and you're able to carry it with you, almost like a shield. Exactly right. Nikki, Andy, you two are sitting by the campfire that you've made this morning.

It's been many weeks since you left Ogerton. The reason for the two of you having escaped because a literal dragon came down with a gang full of, of white cobalts arrived at the city of Ogerton, and most of your companions and the ogres were captured, but the two of you were able to get away unnoticed, and you decided to head east and survive in the wilds, not knowing the fates of those who had been made captive,

the two of you have found yourselves relying on each other to survive. Before we continue, tell us who you are and what you look like. I'll start with Andy. Sure. I am playing Calamari. He is a young man. Early 20s, maybe 1920 at the oldest. He's short, maybe 53, 5, 4.

Shaggy blonde hair and eyes that are so blue, they're almost gray. He'd be wearing, you know, leathers and snow furs, right, just almost looking like an ice climber, you know, to some degree. But it doesn't necessarily matter. It's patched together. You know, it's not in good shape.

It would have been whatever he could find on the way out of Okerton. And to make survival easier, I would have like a rough haversack that I would be strapped to my back with just a random things that I would have collected. You had to leave in a hurry. You only barely got away, but you were able to quickly assemble these goods and make your way. No weapons, just a small dagger on my hip that I would use for carving and things like that. And I would be helping keep us alive by being in charge of fishing and trying to provide food for us with the mystical powers that you bring to our little group to keep us safe.

Yeah, and Mordadella. Oh, yes, Mordadella. Would be there tending to the fire, probably creating it magically if necessary. She's about 4.11, very short. Okay. And short, curly brown hair, dark brown eyes with flex of gold.

She is perpetually shivering, though she's wearing at least like 15 coats, all the coats that she could possibly find as she left, but she'll never be warm in this climate. But she's bouncy and bubbly. Okay. The two of you find yourself sitting by the campfire, enjoying a meal, perhaps the last of the fish rations

you've been able to keep with you. What are you discussing? What are you thinking about? How are you planning your time? day or your weeks or thinking about what's happening in this moment of contemplation. Would it be unreasonable to say that you drink tea or do you more have like, you know, visions for the time that we've been hanging out? Yes and yes.

Okay. Then I would say that I would do my best in the mornings to collect tea leaves, leaves, not even tea leaves, to try to make you a makeshift tea. and I would run them by you. So that way we'd have some semblance of a breakfast while you do your morning rituals and help us prepare for the day. And so we'd be at the campfire

and I might have like some fish on a stick that I'm roasting and I would look to Mordadella and I'd say, so what's today look like? Oh gosh, it's so hard to find out. I'm just shuddering over here. Do you have any more tea? Yeah, yeah.

I can boost some up. We just got to melt some snow and I think the leaves are still good for now at least. We got to make this fire bigger, but I'm afraid if we do, they're gonna find us, if that dragon flies overhead and sees a huge pillar of smoke coming out of here, gonna know just where we're having. It's so cold.

Yeah, well, it's still early. I mean, making the fire a little bit bigger during the day shouldn't hurt us, right? What is supposed to know? Okay. I trust ya. All right, I'll get more wood and I'll put the tea on. Stay here.

I'll just keep this going. And I'll go collect. would and try to prepare some tea for Mordidella. You leave Mordidella by the warmth. And while he's doing that, I will cast Aoggery to see how fair us this day. Oh. That is my question.

What does our day look like? Wheel woe, I don't know. Wheel woe, I don't know. You, how does that look? Are you looking into? I'm drinking the tea. Are you going to tea leave? And I'm reading the tea leaves.

You look into the tea leaves and you are shocked by what you see. You see the tea leaves have perfectly hugged the ring of the cup that you use. Literally making a perimeter, a circle, but it's almost jagged like teeth, like a maw, on all directions and all sides, and you feel this pulse within you. Terrible woe. Oh, shit. Oh, no. As you leave Mordadella, you walk out into the forest and you're picking up what dry sticks and

more fuel that you can find to build up the fire. And as you reach down, you hear the snapping of a twig, perhaps 50, 60 feet from you now. I think that we, how long have we been traveling together? I would say that you've been traveling together for two weeks. So you've had enough time to make a good amount of distance from your home, the only home you've ever known, Ogerton. With an unbelievable amount of speed and dexterity, I would immediately try to dash to some underbrush and get covered to try to see where this noise has come from.

And I would wait and watch and listen. Okay. Make a stealth check for me. 13 total. That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. You dive into the bushes.

You feel that you've moved quickly and you've tried to hush your movements as much as possible. And looking through the trees, you see two other humans walking towards where Mortadela is. One, a massive, giant tree of a man who is strangely carrying a huge, wooden, almost like a plank on one arm, like something that you would see in Ogerton, in one ogre wife. And you see a sort of short pot-bellied man at his side, balding, and make a perception check. The 22. With the 22, you immediately recognize both of these people as vassals, vassals that you knew

in Ogerton from before the change that came so suddenly months ago. This is Porcos in Gabagoole. I would drop the firewood that I'm holding, and without a moment's thought, I would start sprinting towards the snow, and you would hear me coming. It wouldn't even be trying to conceal my footsteps as light as they are. And it wouldn't be until you felt me hit you. With a bear hug that only someone that is only barely over five feet tall can give. And the moment that you lay eyes on me, I...

Poor ghost! I can't believe it. Porkoos, it's you! I thought I'd lost you! Ah! Double-go! It's me! It's Kalima!

You live! You live! Who are you? It's Calamari. It's me. Oh, gosh, is that Galamard? Look at you. Gosh, Galamad, you've grown so much since I saw you.

I remember when you was coming down on the butcher, you would always bring you a shiny red apple. God, how many times I have to tell you my name is Kalamari? That's what I said, Galamad. Are you making fun of me? Those are different words you say. How did you get here? How did you get here? Galamari.

We walked. We walked. We walked. I'm with Mortadella. No! I'm not there. She's back in her camp. We've got fire.

We've got food. Oh, well, a little bit of ice. Did she do. Yes. Oh, goodness, I'm so glad that more people survive besides the rat, the little cheese. We were beset upon by Alcatra. We thought she was an ally, but in our great moment of need,

she abandoned us. And also, our dear kid brother, sausage. Oh. Oh, no, don't tell me. He didn't make it. A sausage didn't make? No, he was just a kid.

42 years old. He had a whole life ahead. God, I'm so sorry. Oh, it's nothing can take away the pain. My own brother. He would love being alive. He would love. He would adore me.

God's being alive, that's exactly what poor was sausage would love. This land is so harsh. There's no justice in the car. No justice, a giant, a giant, also a giant fireboat. killed them. I don't know. Was it, it was a fire bug? It was very unclear. I'm sorry, Gabbagall. I quite literally don't know what to say.

You can't say anything, Galaamad. You're a good kid, you're a good kill. I will painfully bitch your jean. Ah, it's Kalamari. Oh, you're a good kid. You're a good kid. We can get back to the fire. We can get back to the fire. There's safety in numbers. I'm so glad we found you. Moreno is going to be so happy. Have you been drinking your milk like I told you? There's no milk out here, Porcos. You did not bring any milk with you? There wasn't any time. I barely had time to bring any supplies.

It's a miracle I even have fishing wine. Then take some of mine and there's this like ancient disgusting rotten like flagon of milk. No, no. You must grow strong. No thank you, Porcos, please. Oh, it is delicious. Oh. You hold it up and it like...

No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. It's a gougar. It's a milk glove at this point. I, I, I, visit it's a pork. I would go and say, follow me, follow me. I would go scoop up the firewood that I collected, pick it up,

and then hustle all the way back to the campfire. You three make your way quickly following Kalamari's lead. Mortadela, you are wrapped in darkness and the thoughts. You are wrapped in the concern. It's never been clearer that perhaps doom is what spells for you and perhaps your companions or someone somehow this day when you hear not just the sound of two feet, but the sound of rustling a group of people.

I probably wouldn't notice that it was a group. I would be listening to the sound of the clatter of the teacup as I'm shaking and I'm looking down at the leaves. And I would just call out, oh God, Kalamaria, get the worst news. Oh, no. I'd walk up and make sure to get your attention, and I'd point to the guys and say,

We're in horrible danger. Hello, we are here now. Oh, hey, we're sausage. Hey, who is this? Sausage. A terrible. A kid brother. He did not survive.

He didn't make it. Oh, good. To be alive right now. He would love it, you know. He would love to be alive right now. He was so young, only 42. He was only 42. You remember this?

You remembered. You didn't. Did we celebrate his party, remember? His 32nd, Bert. He was just a kid. He did not have the Constitution to survive the cold. Or a giant bug. What are the giant bug? Giant Killer bug.

You still a giant book? Apparently the monsters are crazy. There was a crazy monster. Do you remember Alcatra? You go by Davey now. I call her now little cheese or rat kebab. Why? I looked at Porkas.

Why so many names? I remember Okatra, sure. Yeah, well, she's a dirty. Trayin. Did she kill Sawstead? We saved her from this bug. Yeah? She would have been dead for sure just like a cute. Oh, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

It's alright. I'm going to wipe away his tears. Apparently she left them for dead. After everything that they did for her, she just left them for dead. She just abandoned. And she told us everyone was gone from the village. You are still here. Yeah, but that's only because we escaped. Oh, but the other is.

Dead? Wait, the other dead? No, they're likely, yeah. Or the... Wait, if Kim Chi dead? I just like... I just put my head, my hat, my hands, and I look at you, and I slowly shake my head. The last that they saw was a dragon and an army of white cobalt stealing the ogres and the humans away and chains.

I think they would send in a dinner. Kim Kin-Chi didn't make it, are you sure? I think so why do you why you smile are you totally sure why do you look happy about this? You know what that mean? The boy goes I have a bachelor back on the market again oh macy red-thagee. Kim Chew is his wife this is your wife you speak of

thank thank goodness so what does that mean you're you're gonna look for a new life sure I've long as I don't have to hear a complaint ever again Will you teach me your technique for meeting women? Yeah, finally, I haven't had a chance to use it, but now we can both hit the market now that we're both prime bachelors. Yeah, that's perfect. Porcos, what do you think?

You want to join in? Well, we do. Well, I was remaining hopeful that we might find a city or civilization with people in it. Yeah, so little cheese, the big rat, as I like to call it. Uh, she went down south, thinking that that's where everybody went. She's an idiot. That's what they would expect.

So that's why we came back north. All I have known is Ogerton and the frigid cold. All right, well, all I know is that I read the tea leaves this morning, and I can turn the cup towards you. That's a great big mall around the rim. Oh, no. What does that mean? We're not going to meet any women? All right, well...

Oh, no. The time will come. There's going to be no eligible... I hope so. No eligible comely broad there. They're not saying comely. Yeah, I think it's best when you're talking about broads, you don't use the word comely.

That's quite a nice compliment if you do this. I do think I thought myself. I was really hoping that Uncle Gabagoole could take me to the bars at some point. Yeah, Little Galamad, you're old enough. You don't seem at all concerned about this mall around the rim. I mean, I'm a little concerned. don't really know what it could mean. So the way it works really is that you can either get a wheel, which is good.

Okay. A woe, which is really bad. All right. Or when I don't know. What did you get? Well, the mall around the rim is a woe. So that's really bad. Are we sure?

The mall kind of looks like a wheel. It's the same shape. Oh, no, I promise you. There would be spokes. There were no spokes. These are teeth. Okay. You know who you said, I don't know a lot?

Sausage. Fossage. Oh, he did, yes. He would say, uh, I don't know. He did not know much. He didn't know much. He didn't know much. He was, because he was just a kid.

He had so much time to learn. He did. And the thing is he may not have known, but one thing he did know is he would like to be alive right now. Yeah, he's what he loved much. He loved to hear that Kinchi didn't make it. He hated Kinchi. He hated Kinchie so much.

He hated Kinch more than either. That's impressive. I think it doesn't help that. He didn't know with Bobby Hall. It doesn't help that they were engaged when you met her. Well, I don't remember that, all bad, but... You were pretty drunk at the time. Yeah, that was.

That was pretty good. Nothing good in time. But you know what? That was it because my kid brought a sausage. He liked to get drunk and forget him to do. It's okay. It's talking about it as part of the healing process. Until the giant bug came.

Oh, he was such... Oh, he was so full of life until he wasn't. Now it goes. That's the nature of it. Gabagool. We could only presume how he went. We could only presume... Because we were both unconscious at the time. Yeah, the little cheese, the big rat kebab herself.

No, in the final moments of us... In the final moment, she said... ...scaring the beast away and defeating him. She said that he died down, evenly. And I said, I don't know the meaning of the word. And then she said, well, he died a hero. But when we inspected the body... It was the best.

I didn't even recognize him. Because there was nobody else around. He had a big dumb head. I am not sure it was the giant bug that killed him. Do you think that? What? There were arrow wounds in the shape of what is in your cup all over his body.

You don't start. So I figured that maybe she took her arrow and stabbed in circular motions. In a whole moor? Yes, in a more pattern. All over his body. knew that Alcatra was such a cold-blooded murderer. What a bitch.

And she had these freak powers. If you could use them mind and control shit, what a real freak of boy. Yeah, that would be so awful if someone could do something. Yeah, can you believe that? Yes. Uncle Gopold. That's unnatural. If, if, if, if it comes to it,

I pledge myself for revenge. For revenge. Yes, for revenge. For thawthet. For Uncle sausage. Yeah. For sausage. But what's stopping us from going south right now and killing that bitch?

That's what I'm saying. That was months ago. It was a long time ago. She's got a pretty big head thought. She's also conno-caped. More capable than us? You guys saved her from a giant bug monster. You're right.

That's right. She is not more capable than us. And now there's more of us. Yeah, and maybe potentially one of us can even do things with their minds, which might make up a freaking nature, but it could be helpful, right? No, that would not be help. That would be weird. Yeah, nobody could do that.

No, after I saw what that did, that bug and also probably my kid, brother. Oh, God, I thought I'll ever forgive her. I thought she was so nice. How could she do this? How could she betray the thing that we have? What a scumbag! Are you guys seeing each other too? Oh, no, gosh.

What? Well, you said that thing that they had. No, that we have. With our brother. Oh. Sausage. Just a kid. Gabagoo, I mean, Ghalamut, my name.

Galamad. Grief hits us all in different ways. Ghalamon, you're a good kid. Good kid. Oh, leave the good kid. He's this good kid. Stop it, stop it! You're a little skittie, though.

You gotta get some meat on the- This is what I am saying. Are you fully grown? How old are you? 15? I'm like 20-ish, give a take. I mean, who knows their real age these days? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, this kind of go by.

They don't stop coming. And they don't stop coming. Probably full grown, yes, Borkos. I'm sorry to disappoint you. We must work on this. One day, you will be great and strong like I am. You're training. I don't know about that.

I think all my growth plates are closed up at this point. What are growth plates? You know, just say weird, mutant thing, too? No, no, no. You have growth plates? It's just part of human biology. Oh, gosh. Did the ogres teach you human biology?

They did. You know? after they refused to feed me and stunted my girlie. All I'm gonna say... I think it was an intimidation tactic. All they're making fun of me. Is that Ogerton really went to hell when they started stepping away from the teaching to Sopholus.

You know, I noticed the same thing. I didn't want to say anything, but you're right. As soon as everyone said that thawfulus was an elaborate gaslighted by a brain in a puddle. That's... I spoke... making any sense. All of a sudden, all these freaks are having powers with the minds. I don't believe it.

They start heading thousands. Yeah, and you want to have it. Suddenly, dragons are coming. Yeah. They expect us to believe that there is a brain in a puddle, on a spaceship, just on faith? Ridiculous. Ridic. Absolutely ridiculous.

Sotholid, he's the one through God. Yeah, praise be the Sophila. Praise, praise me to Sopola. Brings be the Saffola. God. That's how you really maintain from good order and good moral and value. value that's right you really are a good kid out of mind you're good kids and the community going to church every week going to church every equivalent of Sunday I miss

those days those were safe days nice days so now what today's going to be bad oh yeah I don't know how I know that I like that it just happened it wasn't like well you always had good in in instinct you had good intuition oh yeah I see yeah but it is not the devil but it is not in the No, you can call me Adela. I told you that a million times. Adela. Adela.

No, no, no, no. Adela. Adela. What is that? Where's that coming from? It's A-D-E-3-L's A. Madela. Mortadale.

You know, just call me more Adela. Gala. What? And pork. He calls me Gala-a-Mod, even though my name's Kalamari. I call him, I call him my little kid brother, too, Bresute over here. How did he get Galamad from California? That's what I said, Galamari.

How do you get that from Kalamari? His name is Galamon. It's what I just said. He, he, he, due to me, traumatic brain injury, he believes they are the same word. Oh. Yes. You're a good kid. What are you talking about? I've been around.

I've learned a thing or two in my time in Drak, my time in Ogerton. Being a good follower of Sophilith. not having all these morals and freaks with strange powers. Yeah, those freaks. That are traitors. You burn the steak as a witch or something. That are traitors. Probably those ones.

Make a perception check, everyone. We don't know like this whole time. I know, I just don't have to say a fucking thing. No. What did you get? We both got natural. 16. 16?

Not terrible. Uh, eight. Zero. Kalamari, once again, you're the only one who hears this, is everyone is talking. You, over the crackling fire, over the sound of voices, there's a rustling sound. Just through the trees. Perhaps, again, 100 feet away or so, you feel like there's movement, perhaps an animal or a beast of some kind. I would immediately hold my hand up.

Wait, what do you see? I'd look in the direction of where I hear the sound. I heard something. My apologies. There are no voices. There would be just the sound of the crackling fire. Yeah. So you hear this over silence.

And you hold up your hand and then gesture to the rest of the gang. And I look in the direction where I hear the sound coming from to see if I can see anything. Think of reception, Jack. Oof. 11. 11. Oh. Whatever made this sound seems to be deeper through the woods.

It's midday. And so there's plenty of light. You know that in this direction, there's a... That it's beyond the river where you've been fishing. This is actually almost in the direction that you and Mortadella have... It's not yet gone. It might be an animal or something that we can hunt for food. I don't know. I just heard a noise.

Oh, I hate getting on. Shall we hunt? Let us hunt. Lead away. Okay, follow me. And I would lead everybody in the direction that Mortadela and I were headed in anyway. Pick up your things. You put away the cooking pieces

very quickly. Perhaps you skip some snow on top of the fire and you start too many. Turns into the final act of, or the first act, second act of Bambi, whichever one of that is. The forest fire. Anyways.

Spoiler. Yikes. You make your way and it definitely feels like you're following something. I need to make a survival check to see if you know it. Oh, Dirty Swan. Don't get it off, kid. As soon as you reach the place where you've imagined that you heard this sound, you confirm what you heard by seeing tracks.

There's clearly a large, hooded animal moving through this space. I pointed out to Porcos. Look! We're on the trail of something. Oh gosh, how big do you think that thing is with hoofmarks like that? Big. Huge. Very big.

Gigantic. That's a good sign, though. Maybe it'll have a lot of meat. Do you think it's one of these strangely sentient beings from Ogerton? I don't know. Ogerton was pretty much a bad mess when we left. I don't know how much escaped. Gosh, you know who would love a giant thing of sausage right now?

Sausage Yes, he was just the It's okay He's with Sopholeth now Do you think we can turn this thing in a sausage and Sausage his honor? We can't We can't We can't

We cook, yes, that's fine You begin to Follow Kalamari as he As he gracefully navigates The space being as quiet as possible And also following these tracks And you do spy A Caribou

After a few more minutes of travel, you see that it is sort of making its way, just sort of casually and elegantly making its way to the north. And you are not 50, 50 feet somewhere. Kabagool, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, kid. Have you always had these breathing problems? I don't know what you're talking about, kid. I'm as a fit as a strangely sentient ox. Yes, your peeve.

Oh, no. It's progressive, unfortunately. It's not good. It won't get better. I just think you'd find an orange so we can have a glass of orange juice with thumb pulp. How quickly do we think we can close distance?

Do we think you can tackle it? Take it down? I'm a spry as strangely sensitive. Oh, no, I was talking to porcos. Yes, of course. Don't worry about it. I can burn it down. Shall I go?

Yes. I will go. Don't bring gopicle with you. Oh, you're going to spring. Oh, govigal runs after. It is. I sprint after the caribou and try out. Okay, I'd say you...

Let me know when I'm within 20 feet. You move and you start to, I would say, dash. And it gives it an opportunity to start to move away. But all it can do is sort of look at you with almost like shocked surprise before it starts to dart away. And you feel like you're able to close the distance. You get about 10 feet away when you do whatever is that you want to do?

When I'm within 20 feet, I'm going to rage and just throw the giant door that I'm carrying at it. Okay. I'm rolled to hit. I am going to dash towards it to join. Okay. I'm going to run through the snow awkwardly, identical as when Tony Soprano ran from the FBI

from Johnny Sacks house. Where's, and I have my meat cleaver. And I'm gonna try to follow. As soon as this thing gets maybe wounded, I'm gonna stab it with my meat hook. You see that the caribou is primarily focused on your massive brother. And so you feel like you have an opportunity,

not to close distance, you're not within melee range, but you are just behind your brother about 25 feet away from the deer as you watch your brother whirl and hurl this door out towards the caribou, attempting to perhaps knock it prone or damage it or knock it out. I get a 10. The door goes wide.

The caribou, it smashes into a tree and lands with a clump into the snow, and the caribou begins to start to take off, but you have an opportunity in this moment before it begins to truly run. As I use my cunning action, I think about my kid brother, sausage, and how much that he would like to be here. He's age. Alive.

It was always his dream when he was a kid at 42. To be able to. to kill Caribou brutally. Mm-hmm. And I'm going to try to catch up to it and stab it in the spine. Okay. Given the almost chase-like nature

of what's happening right now in order to, in order to get up to it with your meat hook in time, I need you to make a... Acrobatics check, maybe? Acrobatics check. The contest. The contest.

That's all the... That's awful. It's the arm. I'm surprised I'm deprived of my age. Okay. Frush meat. I'm going to twist. Oh.

Oh, I could have twisted. I forgot. That'll be a 21. Oh, a 21. Worth it. You meet its dash. It is almost able to get out away from you, but you jump and slash down and you're able to

dabbing the spine. This is a spine. This caribou. I'm going, so I can make the attack roll? You may. Okay. Do I get, I don't get a sneak attack? No.

That's still gonna be, hold on. 17 to hit. That hits, roll for damage. I stab it in its spine. Oh, because I have the piece, I can re-roll them. What does it actually do? Does it just let you re-roll when you... You can rerroll once and you have to use it.

I got a one and then I got a two. So I do five points of peathing damage. Does it have to do with your sneak attack or is it just when you're making an attack? If I do attack with this piercing damage, and I hit, if I can re-roll it once per turn. Nice. Five points of piercing damage, you slash down

and you hook just behind the shoulder blade of this majestic caribou. And it has already left the ground darting away and you rake against the side of its body. You can feel the tip of the hook hitting each six excessive rib as you scrape down and a flap of fur and skin falls down from the side of it as it continues to dart away from you. I don't got it. You do a tremendous amount of damage and blood and viscera hit the snow all in a sharp contrast at your feet.

How far away are they? They were about, he was 15, 20 feet away and he was able to close. close the distance. That was five. I could try to throw my dagger. The two of you are about 60 feet away. Oh, that's the one. Yeah, I'll look at him like, oh God,

they're gonna kill me for this, and I'm gonna let out magic missiles at this Caravu. Okay. And they look like Turoka cards. They just fly through the area. Okay, using the powers you've possessed since you started to become aware of them, for years you've kept

secret your psionic abilities. And, but thinking of cards and how you used to throw them, you're able to whip forth this energy, hoping to strike not your companions, but just . Oh no, I'm aiming for Babo. I'm just kidding. I'm holding my action in case it doesn't die. Okay.

To attempt to throw my dagger. Well, you don't know what Mordadella's doing. You've never seen her use pills of powers. 12 points of damage. 12 points of damage. It is about to flee, to get away. It is absolutely going to be able to get free and perhaps dart into the woods,

escaping Gabagool and Porcos. When all of you watch as all of a sudden, its head just sort of seems to be getting pummeled by nothing, nothing, not even air. It just all of a sudden it crumbles, it breaks. You hear the snapping of bones and it crashes into the, ground sliding to a stop on the snowy floor of the forest.

I got it. I got it. I got it. Did any, did we perceive that? Make a perception check, the three of you. Oh, 16. Definitely don't. 19. One.

I would say with a 19, you were the only one who you watched the door go wide and you were very carefully paying attention to your brother's actions. Your brother, Gabagoole, stabbed into it and slash, and yet it seems that it was about to pull away. It was not the meat hook that took this beast down. Instead, some phantom or invisible hands or projectile seemed to slam into the side of this thing,

which was finally what took it down and stole its life from it. Give away from that thing. Gabagul! What are you talking about, Polkopf? It was not you that killed it. Yes, it was. No, it was a spooky ghost. What?

Spooky girl, I swear for you. We all saw Gaba Gould get it! Look at its head! Yeah, it's all in the wrist. It's all in the wrist. No, you do not hit it in the head! It was my technique. It's my technique.

It's the delayed brain smash. Uncle Porpo's, you're very strong and talented, but like Uncle Gabagool is a peak athleticism. I mean, did you see that? He's like, peak performance. I mean, I can hear the way that the meat-hook was smacking across those ribs. It's very clear that you're

killed it and had no help at all. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. This, this, uh, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this mook over here missing with his fucking door. What kind of weapon is that? I was close. What kind?

You weren't even, you weren't even close. You're a good kid. Uncle Por goes, it's, it's all right. But look, all I can say is while Gobagool is running, he's taking in so much more air. I think you could learn a thing or two from it. They probably fuel your muscles more. That's more of the ogre biology they talk. He, his physical shit.

It's terrible. No, look at how much air he takes. I am the peak of physical fitness. I'm not so sorry. This is embarrassing. I will show you, and I'll, like, grab the shield. I'll, like, lift it up, and I'll, like, jump on my hands to do, like, a handstand push up,

and I'll catch the shield, or the door with my foot, and the balance of the door while I'm doing handstand pushups with one off. See? Yeah, show off. See, see, if you... I would like to see him do this. I'm all about practical strength.

We're getting away from here. Not-practical, none of this show off bodybuilding nonsense. See, I'm, I am stout, and I'm dense. Gaba Goule has old uncle strength. Oh, functional strength. Functional strength. Yeah, functional strength. Gosh, you know, Mook over there.

Gaba Goule has the kind of strength you can only cultivate after decades of alcohol abuse. Exactly right. And do you, can you believe this guy's showboating? Do you know who was always so humble? I never showboated. What? It was my kid brother sausage.

Oh, no. May he rest in peace. He would have loved seeing that old meat hook technique. Maybe we should have a moment of silence for both him, sausage, and kimchi. Well, we'll be sausage. Does anyone want to say a prayer? Maybe thank Folta sophalith for the meal and your brother's saint. in the afterlife?

We should say grace over. Should not eat this, we should say grace over the caribou. It is a haunted caribou! It's not a haunted. A spooky ghost killed him. Spooky ghosts aren't real Uncle Porcos. Yes, they are.

No. I saw it with my own eyes. Are you, you, or you? Mortonville, you walk forward as they're all looking at the caribou and having this conversation to look at what you have rock. It has been a long time since you truly went all out out and released these powers that you have within your mind, given your company, 99.9% of your

time, unless you truly felt like you were in your own private space to explore these powers, these unbelievable psionic powers that you have. You've not ever tried something like this. And so you walk up to the caribou to sort of take in what you've always sort of known you've had within you. And that's when you notice. This is actually much closer to the tree line than you realize. Looking up from the carcass of this animal, you can see through the trees. In the bright of day, there's almost like a meadow or a flat plain on this side of where you're looking. And perhaps even a tall structure, a gray shape on the horizon that looks like a larger building than either you or Kalimari have come across in your time.

in the woods here. Oh gosh, Kalimori! You gotta look at this! What? What is it? No, I'm saying, what did you say? I can't hear you over his breathing. I said, what is it? Huh?

Oh, it's a structure. Were you the hand code? I sound, I can't see you over his breathing. I'm just signing bigger. Oh, here's the breathing. There's a structure past that up. There's a structure past that up. There's a structure past that up.

that a, there's like a, there's like a, there's like a meadow. There's like a meadow over there and there's a structure pattern that's larger than any. Oh, that's good news. There's a widow? A structure. A structure. Oh, a meadow. Yeah, but I think it's actually just covered in ice though.

Well, okay. Before we go, though, settle. Help us settle a bet, Mortadilla. Sure. caribou be haunted? Well, I mean, if you believe in spirits and magic and stuff like that, then sure, probably, but like, I don't. I don't know. Uncle Porka thinks that we shouldn't eat this caribou because there's a spooky caribou.

There ain't no spooky ghosts. There is. You know? I witness it. The only spooky ghost or any kind of strange power is that freak little cheats. What's the freaking powers? Like a new... I swear, when we find her!

The traitor rat. She's gonna pay. We will kill her in revenge. In the name of Sophaneleth. Yes. And vengeance. What she fucking deserve. I hate her.

I cannot wait until the moment Daisy actually dies and I get it. Violin. Vile. Vengeance. I can't stand out, Contra. I can't believe I ever trusted her. I can't believe this rat. This is a rat.

We should have been able to see it all over ugly little face. And as important is that is, why do you think of it? Why do you think? it this caribou, why do you think it's ghostified? Because I witnessed my... Why do you think it's spectacular? My dear brother, rip its ribs apart.

Yeah. But in its final moments, its school was crushed in by nothing! I don't know. How do you know that when he's... So you think about the body, right? It's ribs in their neck and then head. If the ribs aren't there to hold the neck and head up, what's to say?

It couldn't collapse like a building. Some real knowledge, Ed's Fort told. by the almighty wisdom of soft. You're looking at the body, all of you, and the damage, the tearing, ripping, slashing damage of the meat hook is one thing, but there are these impacts, almost like a hammerhead,

come down on the side of this three, four times landing blow after blow. The side of the skull of this creature has been completely decimated. That's weird. I did that, obviously. I mean, there's no other explanation. There's no information.

I mean, you all saw it. Your COPD is too progressive for you to have done this. That's just because you're jealous of my strength, poor ghost. You know who was never jealous? You know who was never jealous was sausage. He was really a good kid. He was always the best of us. You may eat this carrot, but I will not.

Well, I'm gonna butcher it soon. I'm gonna butcher him soon as I kiss my bread. Uncle God. Okay. What do you think sausage is doing in Sopholus grape fields right now? It's probably, probably running with the beautiful ogre maidens to sing the sweetest song and then sailing the great seas of Trotach the shark puncher and riding the never-ending ride of Mr. Bones.

Do you think it's warm in Sopholus, Great Fields? Oh, it's the warmest. It's a perfect balmy, perfect balmy, perfect balmy, 68 degrees. Is it the end of summer? No, it's like April 25th. It's not too hot, it's not too cold. Oh. It's the perfect weather for just a light jacket.

No more ice and snow. No snow. No snow. Just a meadow of field with beautiful. No polar baths. I love the 25th day of the fourth month. Yeah, if I love the 25th day. Praise Pete of Sopholeth.

He's so good. Through his grace. I can't wait till my soul can join him one day. Thoffeleth, may you be... You bless us and not be a spooky brain in a job. He's not. That's blasphemous Uncle Gavicle. That's part of the prayer.

No, that she was testing on faith. The heretics. That's right. May the heretics all die terrible deaths. False prophets. And false prophets die. We should get revenge against them too. We will smash them with the mit of Fiona smash mouth.

I don't think. And scorts them with the great slame of Shep. shag off of the black rock. Good, good. And then the Frost one I can't remember of the name. You know, I never thought, something Odin related. I never thought that my heart would turn to such vengeance. But here we are. Here we are. We have a list of people that we have to deal with. I'm going to carve the list into this caribout hide. I hear that there are dwarves that live in other places of I hear that there are dwarfs that live in other places of adventurers that have books of grudges. And they write in them all the people that they owe death and just things that they've been grudged for.

Maybe we should make our own book of grudges and we can put that whiny little bitch rat bat back to there. Little cheese. Yeah, little cheese. That's a great idea. The hide of grudges. As I see Gama Gould, Carmen. Oh, hide it grudges. That's great.

Yeah, but the only rats I know are oddly intelligent, which means that they have the capability to do thieves. It's why it's so important that we end her and get our revenge for sausage. May he rest in peace with soflin. He's a fomish. Sauffolette. Sauffolish.

Sausage. Sausage loves Sophilus. He always died of prongousage. every night. I'm not sausage. This is again. Yeah, it is open. You're bumming me out.

Yeah, it is all over. Can we move on? Yeah, it's all right. You're right. You're right. We got to find the structure. Then Mordadella pointed out. We have to find the structure.

It's not too far, right? It's just through it. Oh, there it is. It just threw that meadow open it. It's easy enough to see now that Mordadella's been pointed it out that yes. It would be a pretty quick stroll from here across this sort of patched snow and grassy plain to the structure on the other side. And as you start to make your way, presuming you do something with the carapoo, I don't care.

We drag it there. Oh, okay. You pick it up. I mean, you would be able to easily hoist it over one tree. You pick up the hide and the body of this. Taribu and you start to make your way and as you walk it quickly You should puppet the caribou body so that we're all hiding behind it so that if anybody sees us Hello my darling, hello my honey That's a brilliant idea because we're walking through a meadow to a structure the last thing we want to anyone to find us you know that is absolutely brilliant gosh you always were the brains of

who wants to be in the butt it becomes very quickly apparent that this was once a castle. A structure very different than what you normally would have expected in Ogerton. The architecture is very different. It would be extremely alien to you, but looking at it, it is very obviously in shambles. This is a crumbled, abandoned settlement. You can see what once may have been a tower, a big circular structure like this that would have gone up and you imagine, perhaps pointed to a tip instead, is half broken, one side of it crumbling down. You can see the face of it, one wall

has completely collapsed forward. What might have been an arch just still hanging over on one side barely hanging together. This is a destroyed building for what you can tell. Oh my gosh. There might be some shelter for the first time, in a long time, a little bit of shelter. As was written, just as in the

the great voyage of Totech the Shark Punch or the voyage of the bleeding stars, just like the tower from that tail. As was written. Are you saying this when you're still inside the caribou? As was written. Thank you, Wayne. Those are its rooms.

Yeah. As was written. I thought it smelled bad. On the outside. You continue to make your way, and you get closer and closer looking at the intimidating size of this. This is, you're used to these massive villas in Ogretan, and you're used to sizable structures like the hippodrome, right? But the scale of this castle is not to be underestimated. It's complex.

And as you start to walk up, you have to pause for a moment because you can hear sort of scurrying sounds. You can hear the sounds of movement. And as you are approaching the entrance, the front gate of this space, you are looking through and you can see a small creature dark out. This is not a beast or an animal. This looks like a creature with some form of intelligence. It almost looks like it's sort of bean shaped, has two small squat little legs. It has a huge, puffy amount of hair, and both of its eyes are blinking almost independently of one another, totally different colors.

One being orange and the other being almost like a lavender style color. And its long arms drag behind it as it sort of skitters for it. for you. As it starts to skip forward, having not noticed the four of you and the caribou. How far away is it? I would say you about 100, 150 feet away. It's only maybe a foot and a half, two feet tall. I turn and I look over my shoulder. I'm kind of closer to the front of this caribou. I look over my shoulder and I signed you. I say, Uncle Porcos. Yes. I'm going to kick it. Kick these? Yeah. Why would you do that?

Because... Look at it, flicking, it's menacingly... No, it's... No, let's just go say you want! As is written, as is written in the Clow-Batterman, the little gnome fox that fuck with your ship, and chose like the shark punch. That's right, and I can close the distance and punt it before it ever saw me coming.

That appeared in the voyage of the rumbling reef. It is written. It's as... It's as you're silently making these motions to one another, you realize that it has... realize that it has spotted you. And it locks its eyes on the four of you and sort of like...

It's spotted us? It has spotted you. And it takes its huge long arms and sort of like walks over to a patch of snow and pulls some of the snow together almost against its body like this before starting to make this shaping motion. It's watching you as it does this.

It has this, you can tell underneath like almost as like furry mustaches. All of its hair goes out all direction, almost like an 80s rock like hairband. You can see that it has this almost like impossible smile with these huge cheeks and it looks at you and continues to shape the snow, packing it tighter and tighter and tighter before whipping it forward. I need you, Kalamari, to make a dexterity saving. It's snowball hurled forward and tors.

Does it look like a rat? No, I don't think it does. No. 13. 13 is not enough as the snowball hurls towards you. I need you to call heads or tails and flip a coin or roll a D2. I'm going to call tails, which will be evans. Oh, this is better.

Yeah, call even or odd. Yeah. Two is heads, one is tails. Yep. I'm calling tails. Heads, or tails. One is tails. It's a two.

The Krakken symbol is heads. Did you succeed at calling? No, I failed. You failed. You take one point of damage as the snowball turns out to have had shards of ice inside it. Oh my God. What should have been a harmless snowball of packed snow,

hits against you and you get cut, not unkindly, not kindly, by the, not kindly, by the ice, and there's actually more of an impact. You feel like you're going to have a bit of a bruise. It hurts. Son of a gun! I run at it and I begin to try to kick it in the face. I run forward with my meat hook and try to stab it in the throat. As soon as the two start to race forward, it goes, and it takes its head, it's arms and it starts to run into the forest,

into the fortress. Yeah, I chase after it. I'm going to kick this thing in the murder. Could I pick up one of the bricks or the stones? Oh, you could, you would have to get closer, but at, As you're running and you watch Kalimari and Gabagool chasing directly after it, you'd be able to quickly run up and find some fragmented stone. I'm going to grab some big stone that would fit in my giant hand and just chuck it at the back of the set. Okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Huge. Huge. Easy. Will that fucking. Chat wants to know this is how you envision.

Bigger hands. Eight points of damage. It's a dire osol. Eight points of damage. You are both racing after this thing, but just before it can pass out of you, a sailing stone whips past your hand and smacks it on the back of it. And it slides to a stop. Clearly, knocked out or killed. Oh, it gets unconscious and on the ground, and I hear Uncle Porokos signing that he got it.

The moment that I get to it, I just start kicking it, like repeatedly. Yeah. To make sure that it's done. Every time you kick it, it lifts off the ground easily. It is a lightweight creature. And so as you do, you realize that ends flipping its eyes continue to look dead out into the end of space. It's clearly been killed instantly. Good shot, Forekose.

Thank you. Do we make it inside the structure chasing? I would say that you're just under where the archway entrance would have been when you caught up to it. I look around inside the structure, like poke my head in. Looking inside the structure, you can see this open, what would have been like a courtyard area, this open space within the center. And what are sort of entrances to side areas. It's almost like the inner cloister of what would have been this castle. And you can see that there are doors all around, but

In this center of the courtyard, you do spy something immediately that takes you a little bit by surprise. Despite the strange nature of this creature, you are staring forward, and there seems to be a platform where what would have normally perhaps housed like a statue that you'd be familiar with in Ogerton. But instead, there's the upper, like, arm, two arms, of some sort of a stone creation, a structure that's made of stones that seems to be. to almost imply the shape of a circle. And it looks like there are stones all scattered about as though it has crumbled.

What would have been a perfect arch? I noticed that and I look for more of these furry long-armed fucks. You look up to the like the battlements and just your first glance, I need you to roll a D2.

She's where to go. It's with my go. I want to put it and prop it with my meat hook. Okay. As I get up to it. Tails. You do. It's cocked.

Cocked. I fail again. You take an additional one point of bludgeoning damage as a snowball. It smacks you in the face. This time you see blue and purple eyes poking out from above the tessellated. Testilated, ter. Tessilated. The testulated sort of battlement at the top of one of the wall.

walls of this castle structure. And you can see that another one of these creatures, and it darks back down underneath. I run after it. I run after it, and I don't... You would need to find a way up. I start looking to find a place of a cloud. You start to look for a clear shot.

It darted immediately underneath as soon as it saw the impact land. You would not have a clear shot. It was clearly hiding. And you can hear chittering from all around you. This castle seems to be infested with these strange creatures. I am going to. kind of poking prod and I'll say, good job bashing your brains and good friends, rest and piss, you freaking make sure.

So I'm like poking and pathing it, you make sure it's dead. It's very dead. It's like poking a, what is it like poking a kiwi? It's like poking a kiwi. Oh. Like an overripe kiwi. Oh. Not the bird.

No. I was thinking cute little kitty bird. No, no, the fruit. I'm sorry. These fucks though. And as soon as I see, I'll say, no, Ghalamad! Oh, don't kill another kid on my watch. And I'm going to try to...

I'm fine, Gama Gaw. It's just a cut. Oh, they're going to kill him. He's going to kill the kid. Galamad. You feel like there are no, like, stairs without literally climbing this wall. Everything seems to have been largely collapsed,

but you feel like you could go in through one of the doors to see if you could perhaps find some interior staircase. And the two of you, Gabagool and Calamario, Calamario, race in through the doors, and you're confronted by a space. It is ancient. Their dust hangs in all directions, and wood has clearly collapsed all over the stone floor.

This must have been a majestic library at some point, for there are multiple shells stretching up to the ceiling where this wood hasn't collapsed. You don't see much in the way of books or scrolls or any of those sorts of things. but you do see that there are stairs on the way up. I take the stairs. I have one thing on my mind. And it's pummeling this little bastard in a pole.

I try to follow. You both chase up to the stairs and as soon immediately with a natural one. This creature hasn't taken the time to hide. You see you see. Damn! I need to make a dexterity saving threat. Natural one. Call it D.Colid too.

Tails. Yes! Finally! This time you get hit in the face, it doesn't cause any damage, but you're getting pelted. Every single time it seems to hit you exactly in the face. I'm slowly turning to change from Moke to barbarian.

It's like an angrier and angrier. I chase it down and I try to feed it to a pole. It starts to run away, but you're able to close the distance. Roll to attack. I'll say get in kid and give you the help action, the bonus action if I can. Do I get advantage? You can.

You can. My mastermind feat. My mastermind feat. A 16 plus five is 21 to hit. 21 hits You don't even have to roll for damage Because you I run at it

And before it can do anything I give it like a roundhouse Spinning back roundhouse kick Catch it square in what I think its chest is It hits the wall It's like Johnny Gherr Spins first before smashing into the wall And falling lifeless

You've able to kick the life out of this Port Rachel I stop I can get a stop one when it's not moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, uh, um, interbs come out easily. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I got it, comical. I got them. There's probably more these little, fucking freets. You both look at the other battlements and you can see many shapes scurrying back and forth. Again, there seems to be an infestation,

almost, uh, perhaps dozens of these creatures. I would be in the courtyard just grabbing stones and just trying to, like, chuck something in a deck roll. Then I see. You're able to spy one that you think you could get a good angle on. I'll have a big meat, I have two meat clevers. I'd like to, like to, at least throw one of them, like at a little guy that I see.

Roll to attack? 14 to hit. 14 does hit, and you're able to whip one in the face with the rock. I'm not going to make your roll for damage. You hear the smack of the stone, and this creature goes down from behind where you can no longer see it and doesn't get back up. Does it 12 hit? 12 does not hit.

You unfortunately go, the meat cleaver goes wide, and it clangs against the stone of the castle wall before coming to a stop, and the creature darts into one of the other rooms. Come on, we got to do it. Mortadale, what are you doing as you watch this nonsense? Well, I can't see it because they all ran out from under the caribou and left it all on top of me. So you slowly see the caribou just sliding through the snow as Mortadela is desperately trying to make it towards them.

You start to make your way forward, and you are pulling your way through and into the castle, I presume not letting the caribou behind. but instead carrying it with you. And it's as you're watching, you're watching the three of them go on this murder spring. You can see snowballs flying in arcs in all directions.

You can hear sometimes they're getting hit, and you can hear the sounds of their screams just suddenly violently ending as they are able to catch up with these creatures or hit them with thrown objects. And then you see it. In the center of this courtyard, you were reminded of the tea leaves

in the bottom of your mug this, morning. You see the arms of this stone structure, these strangely, not gray stones like the rest of this, but these strange white, almost tooth-like colored stones that have been blocked up, and the smattering of them all around. You're struck by that same feeling of fate, and you're unsure, should the shape be completed? perhaps rebuilt? Is that what would help you avoid doom today? Or to

destroy the shape? Gosh, I don't know what to do. Destroy it, put it back together. I'm serious. I'm trying to figure out what to do here. What do they sound like as they get cleavered in the head? You're a sickening crush

as one gets punted up Like off the ledge from the top and lands, you know, the courtyard. Oh, night shot going on. You, um, I would say that you probably take out another four, five, six of these things before, you, you get the sense that they are truly, truly hiding. There may be more, but there's silence. They've learned to fear their new masters as you have arrived in this strange fortress. I'll lean over the battlemen.

is for goes is down there and I'll sign. This kid really does have the makings of avocity athlete. I'll go back. I don't even hear it. All the while, I am drowning out their noises looking at this thing. I think I'm just going to have to flip for it and leave it up to fate.

And so, um, so one. So I would, I would, I would build it back up. Oh. Build it up, tear it down. So I would build it back up. You, free yourself from the, caribou and these are not small stones each one of these is perhaps the size of a bankers box some are larger than others none of them are exactly the same size

and because they seem like they're paying no attention I'll use my main hand oh you um put your mace hand under one to sort of like get underneath that initial uncomfortable groove knowing that this is going to be a heavy stone and then you slip your fingers underneath in order to lift it up and as soon as you brought it up to a chest height where you feel like you have a good balance and you start to walk forward, I need to roll a D20 for me. Okay. How about a seven?

You develop an irrational fear of inanimate objects. All right, one, this is a stone right there. It's a tooth-looking stone. I don't like the way it just lays there and does nothing. It's suspicious. I'm going to just walk away. I'm going to go back over to this caribou over here. synonym at caribou that poor ghost said was haunted.

Okay, um... You hear... you don't hear this voice, but you... No, I'm just, I'm motioning very well. You look down and you're on the hunt. Are there more of these creatures, and then you spy in the corner of your eye? Mordadella's trying to get your attention. I see. What is it?

I thought I was trying to put this mud two stones together. and I realized the caribou's haunted. What? Yeah. Poor Ghost was right? Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah.

Now not only do you have to do with these furry fuchs, we have to deal with a haunted caribou? Yeah. Oh. And it's behind me right now. I'm afraid to turn around. Walk away from it. Walk away.

I can't, though, because the stones are right in front of me. All right, I'm coming down. Stay there. And I would retrace my steps, looking for more of these. creatures as I go. You're keeping your eye out for more of these creatures and you race down the steps and as you enter what was once a library, you realize there are scrolls, there are books.

All of the shelves seem to have been restored and putting back some of the books on one of these sliding ladders is a brilliantly finely dressed human with black hair and slicked back and he turns and he, oh, hello there, and he speaks out to you with his voice. Hey, how may I help you, young lad? This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Aventris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive camp

and set on the high seas, Shroud over Saltmarsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror toome for Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition. And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Kalimari, you race downstairs and suddenly halt when you realize that this room is transformed.

It seems to be no longer in the decrepit, dishevelled, crumbled state of this strange castle that you find yourself in instead. You find yourself staring at an elaborate library. pristine, books on shelves to tidy, and on a ladder, putting books away, looking right at you. A human man with slicked back, a graying but black hair looks right at you. And you can see very, very obviously. This man is not totally opaque. You can almost see through this man.

This is very evidently some sort of a phantom or apparition. He turns to you and pauses. Oh, how can I help you, young lad? Oh my God, Mortadella was right. It's the ghost of the caribou. I'm no caribou, and he seems to understand you perfectly, even though he's speaking and you're using your hand code. What the heck, you can understand me?

What do you mean? What do you mean? What do I mean? What do I mean? I have to sign... I'm signing. I... Speaking as lately as I am! Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing here?

I'm keeping to the library. I am Master Cedric. What is your name? Kalimari. I'm keeper of the library. I'm killer of these furry guys that are throwing snowballs. What do you mean furry guys? They got these weird long arms and they hit me in some snowballs. See, I'm bleeding.

But I killed like a half dozen of them. You must have taken a fall, my young man. You're making things up. No? No-uh. Yes. She's standing on a ladder. Yeah.

I contemplated, but I think better on it. You're not the ghost of a caribou, are you? A ghost? What do you mean? Caribou, no. It appears we've reached an impasse. Well, carry on, and he turns back, and he starts to continue to put books. away and making sure that they're in the correct alphabetical order, let's say.

Okay. And I run past him down to go make sure the Mordadella's okay. And you, having had this strange exchange, you make your way back out into the courtyard and you can see Mordadella pressed up against one of the walls of this castle. Coming out of this room, you are back in the disheveled space that you remember entering when you first arrived at this destination, and Mordadella is there. Hey, hey, it's okay. It's all right. Give me your hands. What are you wearing?

Like furs. And, yeah, furs, mostly. Which are in that limit? I don't want to alarm you. You got furs. Yeah, I know. So keep me warm. And I don't want to alarm you.

You're going to choke you to death. But I passed the caribou ghost in the library. You were right. Poor ghost was right. I can't look at it. Don't, don't look at it. It's okay. I can't.

It's all right. Don't. Just come with me. We'll walk away from it. You don't have to get closer to me. I'm just trying to make sure you're okay. You need to take the spurs off. I don't want to freeze the death.

They're going to kill you. Well, if that starts to happen, then I'll take them off. You promise. I promise. I don't want you to go the way of sausage. God rest is sore. Sophilus bless him. I promise.

I'm with you. I won't. I won't. All right? It's going to be okay. Okay. Let's just, we'll walk away from the caribou. We won't go near the library where the caribou goes.

And don't go near those stones over there, right? We won't go near the stones either. It's okay. There's something wrong with them. I'm not quite sure what it is. All right. And I can feel it. It's that woe that I saw in the teacup. Oh God, teacups are the worst.

I trust you. I trust you. It's okay. Teacups are full of secrets. Really? Yeah. Concerning. I know.

That's probably why that one gave us the woe prediction. There's a little bit of good news though. I think that me, and Uncle Porcos and Uncle Gabagoo, I think we killed all of those snowball thrown bastards. Yeah? Yeah. Well, that's good.

Let's just idle around these stones. Okay. Yeah, that's fine, but wait for them to come back. You're ripping them in town. I pick one up. You didn't have like a phone block. I go, I run into the castle bowling alley, and I find a bowling pair.

I'm finished. It's very funny. You've killed 19 of these creatures. Where are both of you at this point? I'm in the rooms of the castle looking for snow perverts to murder. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to commit a massacre. Okay. You race into an adjacent room and you are shocked by what you see. Oh my God.

Reid just said lizard wizard. That brings back some memories. Wow. Oh, no. Get out of here, Walkless. I think that's going. Good to see you. Stay.

Um. 1-1-Camp 3 underscore. Who's that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? Quarter after quarter, room after room, Gabagoole, you've been running through what has been an abandoned castle. Nearly collapsed. And suddenly you walk in through a portal,

and you find yourself in what must have been the throne room. And you look and you see beautiful, fine, red fabrics on the floor. You can see tapestries hanging from the walls of symbols and icons that you can't, that hold no meaning for you. But you recognize their elegance. And sitting on the throne in the center, you see a woman. A human woman, a beautiful human woman, elegant. and regal a ruler.

Yeah. Like three ears. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's like three or four years here. You definitely have some liver spots. Like, skull. You have to do the... Oh.

Yeah, fix your eyebrows. Sniff your armpits. Make sure you smell it, okay. Wow. You're raining? No, I hate it. Please evacuate. Welcome. Welcome, peasant.

Well. What brings you to my throne room? I'm no peasant. My name is Gabagool and I'm recently widowed. I care not for your trivial matters. Leave my throne room at once. I mean, let's not be hasty. You know what they say, writing kind of shocking and forbidden? a peasant and a queen, perhaps, quite the tale. Dear penthouse forms. You will leave, or I will call my guards upon you. Well, jean, all right, lady, gosh,

all you're to say was wings. As you get closer, you, that's very funny. You do take a few steps closer, attempting to approach this queen. And you can see the back of the tall chair that she sits upon through her vision, through her visage, through her, you get the sense that she is perhaps not of this world,

or perhaps between worlds. She's incorporeal. Ooh. Well, I'm not seeing that. That sounds better than incorporeal. Because that's that heresy that my kid brother, Polkos was talking about about spooky ghosts. So I'm not seeing this.

And probably this snowball hit in my head too hard, or I'm too covered in. I'm too filled with bloodline. Are you sure, Lundy, you don't need... I mean, I don't need to be your husband, but, you know. They call me Gabagool. I'll ask you one final time, to leave. All right.

All right. I don't go where I'm not wanted. I don't know why. I can't believe that, you know, ladies, they don't like a nice guy. I can't your boy toy. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. They don't like a nice, a nice man, such a...

myself with wisdom and experience. Anyway, good day, lady. All right. Any more of those snow perverts around? You turn and walking out through the front door, doors, instead of through the hall that you came in through, you find yourself out into the courtyard, and you see just in front of you, Calamari and Mordadella.

Borgoose, what have you been doing? So I started in the courtyard while they ran up, trying to throw rocks, but if I saw anything on the lower level, like through an open portcullis or something, I would have run after them and, like, you know, duct through hallways and kind of grabs. I would say you race into one of the rooms opposite, the entrance that Kalimari and Gabagool went through. And you race in, and you find yourself staring at metal.

Steel on the walls, beautifully crafted weapons of all shapes and sizes, spears and swords and shields and claymores and maces, all in every direction. And in the center, standing in armor, you see a human man covered in gleaming, beautiful, filigreed full plate armor, stands holding at one side a sword. And he, Halt, who goes there? Welcome to the armory.

Spooky, spooky ghosts. Are there spooky ghosts? Show me, lad, and I will fight them. And he raises the sword up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I do not mean to disturb your final resting sight. Will you bury here? Resting side? I know not what you mean. I am Sir Aldrich.

Who killed you, goodnight. I will avenge you. Violent revenge has kind of become my whole thing. I am not dead. What is your name? Does he look like a ghost? He looks like a... I'm very ghost conscious right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like, chuckles green.

The fact that when you move your head, you see behind and through him, he's definitely some sort of spirit or between worlds in some way. My name is porcos. I was given the name pork by my captors, but I- Name is porcos.

You're named after an animal? A lonely pig, a swine? The weirdly intelligent pigs, where I come from. The great boars, with large tusks capable of goring a man, even as big as me. You are, um, specimen of a man. Do you know how to fight? I do know how to fight. Do you know how to fight? I am a master of all the weapons you see here.

Ah. A master of harms, so to speak. Yes. We have the intelligent of my ass. Yes, that's right. So when did you live here? many millennia ago and your whole castle was brought to great ruin. You are speaking crazy!

I live here now, today, this very moment, I am stalwart's defender of this great fortress. You mean to tell me you are here presently, on the equivalent of Wednesday, on the 25th day of the fourth month? Or whatever day it is? I know exactly what day. Well, that is certainly the day, yes. The equivalent of Wednesday or the... of the homer month. Both?

What year? I'm in a year, a thousand years before your year. 1986. Oh, good year. By our calendar. Meaning the equivalent of 1986 and is now the equivalent of 2024.

No, he gives you a number that just doesn't make sense. It is a meaning, yeah. I do not know the meaning of this. Are you sure you're not the spooky ghost? Quite sure. Can I perceive if this guy's full of shit? Sure. Nine.

You, I would say with a nine, you get the sense that this person is trying to tell the truth. They do not perceive themselves to be a ghost. You are the one who sees them as an apparition. They're not even shocked or surprised that you're using handcoat and that literal language is coming out of their mouth. They are speaking to you the way ogre's there. This is a shocking situation to find yourself in, and you still continue to be convinced by the ghostliness of this situation. Or something they're similar.

May I please? I want to grab the biggest, shiniest weapon off of the weapon racks. You walk forward and attracted to the You reach up and I would say you grab like a Hallbird like a fuck you great sword That's exactly what I was thinking about And you pull it off and you feel the weight This does not feel ghostly to you

This feels like steel between both of your hands Yes I am skilled in weapons such as these What should we do? Like, I don't know, fight through the tool or something. I don't know why we would. Why are these weapons here? This is the armory.

Why have you not used them to kill the snow perverts? Skavog who calls them. Snow perfect? Snow perfect. Yes, the whole castle is overrun by snow perverts. Follow me, I'll lead the way. And he races forward. I will join you.

Back out through the same entrance that you ran through. And as soon as he crosses the threshold, he disappears. And you race forward and you find yourself in the courtyard staring at your three companions and in the center

you're looking back out. You no longer are holding a hellbird. You are looking out and you seem to be looking at the same crushed, destroyed castle that you entered when you first came here.

Oh my gosh. Uncle Porcos. Uncle Gabico! You guys are back? Kalimari. I don't want to alarm anybody. But I found the ghost of the caribou

and he's in the library and he's also a man. I also found the ghost of the caribou. What? Yes, he was in the armory. I knew that it was a spooky ghost. You're wrong. You guys are right, and I'm sorry that I doubted you. Yes, you shouldn't listen to the first.

I know, I know. I'm sorry. We followed the ghost of the caribble all the way here. We brought its dead corpse to. There is no ghost. Goh, turn and look at it. If you look at it, he can find you. Oh, and Mortadella seems to be having an episode.

Yeah. Oh, another one of those? I killed a bunch of those. snow pervert and then I went to the throne room and there was some broadened there and she tried to you know put on the moves and I said nah pass you're a little ugly and you got a mold whoa go go really how cool is that yeah yeah she was putting moves on me nice she wanted you yeah she did and you told her no she wanted me to make me her honey bear and I thought Wow.

And she was the ghost of the queen? I said beat a toots. That's so cool. Yeah, pass. How many times have you done that? Oh, plenty of times, yeah. You know, you gotta be careful. Yeah, there was a mole over the, yeah, nah.

They're so wise and worldly. Yeah, you know, I know, I know the mysteries of the, of the lady types, the lady persuasion there, young Gallamant. Just follow your uncle Gabagool. I don't want to alarm you, but there's a stair right next to you. Hey, what? Gosh. A snake? A staya.

A stair. A stair. Oh, stare. Stair. Stair. Yeah, she's saying stair. There are lots of them over there. I know, but I'm looking at the one closest to him.

At the bottom. You might want to back up like four or five inches from it. Unless you slip and fall and die. Adela, what are you afraid of? I literally just told you, and Kalamari, he's going to be, the fur around his neck is going to kill him. And don't look at the Karaboo back there because it's filled with ghosts. This is what I am saying. Before he's more, more than.

And then there's this circle of teeth like, oh, Kiliman. Monta-Dal. Just because it's called the Karabu doesn't mean it the ghosts. And then this, there's this circle of... Whoa! There's this circle of teeth like stones. It's so scary. What the hell is actually?

She didn't even hear that. I can't. Well... I'm so bad. It's... I'm gonna go. Oh, Carol. Oh.

Oh. It wants us to kill each other. What? I don't want to kill any of you. Should we listen to? The only one I want to kill. want to kill us that dirty Alcatra. Yeah.

We just keep our eyes on the prize. We must survive to kill Alcantra. And then the heretics. And the false prophets. And all those heretics, that's exactly right. Yeah, Bicycliffe. What? There's an archway.

All right? Yeah. There's a few of them. Over yonder. So don't turn around. It's right behind you and it's crumbling. Well, do you have any of that happy juice? It left or is it all gone?

No, that's long gone. After? You know who I am. Oh, no. Southern. I see the... I can't... Care greatly from the afternoon.

It's terrible. It's just gone before his time. He would have loved this... He would have loved to be haunted by a... We need to find revenge. He would have killed so many snowmothers. What I'm trying to say, we don't want any of us to go the way of sausage.

He would so love to be alive right there. He would very much love to be alive. We need to make sure that we're being careful and not wearing the fur. at least taking it off once it starts to close around a next. You have furon. I have fur on? Yes, we all have fur on.

Oh God! Oh, no! No! No, we'll freeze! What are you doing? You're crazy, you're crazy! I can't! I gotta take it off! Okay, Gallaud. Go on. They're lost. They're lost.

No. They're lost. They can't be lost. We need to seek help. And a classic film like this, this, we'd find my cousin, who was a small role played by Ray Leota. Ray Leota cameo? That's exactly right.

Oh, no, my uncles have lost it too. He was in good fellas. Why is his face so bloated? Jesus. What are the pretenhamia in here? Oh, my God. This is all there. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Nikki, roll a D2 for you. Call heads or tails. Me? No, Nikki. No, Nikki. Oh, okay. I'm only heads, which will be odds.

Okay. It was even, so I think. Okay, so you take two points of bloodshunding damage as all of a sudden an icy snowball smashes you in the face. This creed the creature darts it and disappears away, but as soon as you're hit, you feel the, the, the fear of inanimate objects fade from you.

Oh, God, my nipples are out, and I put my clothes back on. Did you see that? They're back. There's more snow perverts. Oh, there's so many snow perverts. We have only killed 19 and they're on hundreds. Hundreds? Yes.

I hear them in the walls. Why are you killing them? They're just rascals. Just leave them alone. They picked with the wrong group of guys. They still defend. They hear us with snow wolves. Yes.

You bet he did basically nothing. I've got a huge gash from my face. Ah! There's like a huge. My face is unusually swollen. If the snowball is full of rocks, or on accident maybe the snowball froze a little bit. Don't you know the top cause of death after 40 is accidents?

I look towards the stairs. I'm not, I'm oddly not scared of him anymore. But that's exactly what I was trying to tell Gaba Gould. He's pushing 60 now. The last thing he needs to be is walking up and down. icy staircases. He is fine. Look at him. It's a breathing of a champion. I always, I'm more in shape than Gala Madhia. It's right. Look at him. Galamaria. His nose is blue because he's got poor circulation. That's right. Look at how huge his muscles are and his legs and his midsection.

They're huge. I was involved for the athlete in my day. Have you been taking off Zembek your cheeks or something? I see... Oh, it's a type of tea or something. I think there might be... I think they might. I'm about to walk up and down the stairs to the tune of a... The tune of...

I and the tiger? No. Some song by fog hat? Yeah. Bruce Spring, Sprang! A real man. Who? Well, you said Bruce Spring Spring.

You remember, um, uh, there was... There was a human. Unfortunately, he was consumed that they'd called juice spring spring spring. The ogres ate him. Juice spring roll. Yeah, spring roll. Yeah, God, he was a good man.

He was a phenomenal musician. He was a phenomenal musician. He was the most talented musician of the humans. The ogres really dropped the ball on his name, though. Yeah. Oh, is he from the house of New Jersey? Yeah, okay. Wow, you almost destroyed Mickey.

That's really good. That's very funny. You know what, take an inspiration for new jerky. I like that. I'm gonna just mark that there. Don't do that. I like taking a drink. Okay.

We have to kill the rest of these superverts as we can. Yeah, we can't. There are all these teatstones over there that I just feel the need to put into their place. So I'm gonna go do that what you were all. Oh, you need some construction now? Yeah, sure. Yeah, because I was trying to do it by myself,

not with any help from like an ingrepoil and him. like an ink or foil hand or anything, that'd be ridiculous. Yeah, I could give you a help. And I'm struggling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You still have under the surface that premonition of doom,

and the idea that perhaps the solution may be to be putting this arch together. I do feel that if we fix this thing, that that premonition of doom, it is so too good. I can have you with the constructing job. Oh, wait a minute, at noon, you guys got a three-hour mandated break. That's your car, baby!

You guys are soft You're soft You're not from Chagai You're soft You're not built like we're built Everybody else No, no You're not

Okay, I'll see you You might be But you're not I see you I would help you See I would help you with those stones I'm very capable But my job

Is to bring the stones here And it's actually Polkos' job To lift the stones onto the thing No no Look I think that's for a Stone Lifter 3 job

I'm a stone lifter 2 Oh okay Okay While you take your mandated break, Uncle Porcos and I will hunt the rest of the snow perverts. And you got you're doing this thing. Yeah, and if you're going to take your break, I don't. So I'll just do all the work myself then. Okay, that's right.

Okay. That's just how it is. On my hand is tied. That's Chicago, baby. Are you against the icy stairs? Kill these things. We're at 11 Adela is hauling these stones. Oh.

You reach out to pick up the same stone to go and start to move it towards the arch. You use the mage hand to initially get underneath it and lift it up and then put your full weight under it. These are heavy stones, and you don't think that you're going to be able to carry all of these alone. Some of them are much bigger than you could carry, but picking one of the smaller ones, that is this strange, almost alabaster collar, you pull it up to your chest and I needed a roll a D20 for me. Um, I mean, Kalamari and I run into the castle and start killing more than that. The snow perverts. Yeah, we start, we start,

mercilessly hunting down and beating to death the snow perverts. You guys start to walk away. Mortadella, you pull this up and you don't feel any change. Should you be scared by something, you will turn into a mundane object of your choice until the threat is gone. You walk over and you're able to slip the,

the rock into place onto one of the arms. It looks like it almost perfectly fits. And when it does, it hardens into position. It shh like that. And all of a sudden, where if the entire arch circle was completed, where the air, there's nothing but transparent air, there is a flash, flicker. Magenta and pinks and blues and greens and yellows,

all of a sudden flash, sparks fly out in all direction. You dazzled by the light display, you all turn, and you watch, and all of a sudden an object spills out. I need you to roll an additional D20. In 18, a small doll, freaks out. This is a small doll of a cherubesque creature, and it has long pink hair that tapers to a point right at the top. little gem in your belly button.

Exactly right. Look at you, this air is completely you catch it in the air and you've synthetic material. Looking at this toy that just got spit out by this portal, you realize that should this archway be completed, it could be a bridge, a bridge to somewhere else

beyond Dracar. Yo, Gabba Ghul. You all see this, except for sleeping Gabagoole. Whoa! Is that the ghost, baby? It's like a little troll. Whoa, that's cute. I've got a little gem in its stomach.

You could just rub it and you make a wish or something, I think. Really? I don't know, I'm making it up, but I think it'd be cool. Where did it come from? So you see how I told you about those two stones? And I was, shh, shh, and I was trying, I was saying we gotta fix it because it would make the wall go away

that I found in the teacup this morning. Yeah. And so, I'm getting so distracted by his loud snoring. God, don't get him a CPAP. You can make the shush sound with your mouth because it doesn't require vocal cords, but I, in my mind in this scene, he's snoring loudly, and you're going, yeah, good. Put one of the stones in the place. And then you have sleep bad man. And then I, uh, it like shimmered like there was an archway there and then this doll just flung out at me. Oh, we gotta rebuild this thing then, right?

That's what I've been trying to say. Let's help. I look at the big stones. You pick up one of the bigger stones. I'll pick up one of the bigger stones, and as soon as you touch it and your skin makes contact in this way, I need you to roll a D20. 12. 12s. You can't stop smiling no matter what. I'll also pick one up and begin to help rebuild.

Roll a D20 for me. 14. You pick it up and are embarrassed. As soon as you lift it up, you let out a loud fart. And all of you, except for Gabagoole, who's asleep, look and once you, as it manifests as this colorful burst of confetti or bubbles or perhaps even miniature rainbows. Oh, God. You found it.

No, no, that was how good. He did it. There's like confetti like in all like that. You develop uncontrollable bouts. You confetti your pants. Oh, no, it wasn't me. I didn't do it. You rainbow all over the back of your pants. No, oh, no.

It's leaking down your leg. No, I must have sat in a rainbow. No. I saw a rainbow. That's it. I know how to help you. Don't you know that excessive gas is normally a sign of stuck poop? And the way that you can resolve stuck poop is to drink a coffee made from mushrooms. All kinds of different mushrooms.

You're saying a lot of things right now. They'll help you to, yeah, exactly, to clear your gut. No! So that you can move along your stuck poop, which can be the cause of all kinds of things. Excessive fatigue, no, lack of energy. Uncle pork, I said, whoever smelled it dealt it. Uncle pork. It was porcos.

It was not me. It was. Look at you. It keeps coming out with you. No! No, this is embarrassing. I will continue the building the spooky ghost portal.

I'm going to go see where more of these now perverts are. You are able to fashion one of these I'm going to just check off one, two, and three as you're able to move three of these stones into place. And each time that you do,

Let's say, do you actually drop the stones and smiling and farting? Stop what you're doing. Oh, I never stopped. Yeah, I left the room. I was embarrassed. You put the stone down. You did not return the to the archway. You disappear into another door and will resolve that momentarily.

You, however, put the situated on the other arm and you're able to sit. And all of a sudden it like locks into place. And you can see where there would be mortar between these rocks. it glow almost this impossible, beautiful, brighter than any color you've ever seen in her car. And a shock of a portal appears briefly before dissipating. I need you to roll a D20 for me. 16. 16.

Another doll, a larger doll. Not a doll the size of, that you can hold in one hand. Like what, I'm going to say, Queenie. Mortadella. Mortadelli. Mordadella received, but instead, in, it's funny. The size of a human baby spills out.

Extremely lifelike, wearing a fabric little clothes, and you catch it, and it eyes loll at you as his eyelashes move up and down. Possessed ghost baby. And all of a sudden when you turn it, a voice emerges out, I can see the man in the moon. Ah! Because the moment he starts screaming,

I jump and immediately turn into a teacup. Ghost baby turned a mortadella. Are you alive? The sound of the scream wakes you, Gabagool. Yeah. And you look forward and you see Porco standing smiling over a inanimate human baby and a teacup. Mortadella.

She turned into a decap. my mandated bank. You may go back to sleep. I'm going to get... I'm actually going to fix myself a little bit of a a caribou hoagie, if you know, mind me.

I'm just going to get the stuff to make a bit of a fire. I'm just going to... I'm just going to butcher it real quick. Oh, it's covered in super. Well, I better... I'll... I'll wash off...

No? I'll go over to... to the caribou. Is that inside? Yeah, it's just inside the courtyard where Mordadella left it. And you begin to butcher it and start to turn a sandwich made for a union man, let's say.

Kalamari, you dart into a room. And instead of finding what should be a dilapidated room, that's been, yeah, your farts are just emanating You're rocking for, you're trying to outrun the parts. It's bad. A lot of confetti. You run into what was once a kitchen, but is now a kitchen. There are bubbling pots and food in all direction.

You can see all of these cooking implements going on. And you can see racing from station to station, a short man wearing a chef hat. and he's just going about his business just stir-frying and turning and checking things and tasting soups and he pays no attention to you and you can see through him in the same ghostly way that you

have noticed the others. Oh, no more caribou ghosts. Oh, what this is! Oh! Get out to my kitchen with that! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I really am I don't have time for this. You race around and you're looking for, I need to make a... I'm not looking for anything.

I'm just embarrassed. Oh, you're just... I thought you're looking for superverts. I'm something more... This is more important. I'm embarrassed. Okay. Well, that's going to persist for some time.

I know, and I won't return to my friends until I'm not embarrassed anymore. Well, that's... I've been... I've been... Where do you go in the castle? Do you go to any more... rooms or you just like, as soon as you find a hallway, you just like... Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to find a spot where I'm alone. Okay. To let this horrific ailment pass. Okay. It's definitely gonna pass. I know! It won't stop! It won't stop!

You start, you're thinking about that mushroom. Kalimari finds a place to hide after he's experienced with the nameless chef. Mordadella, your teacup. Porkoos, what are you doing? The ghost baby turned the devil into the dick up. Maybe this will fix you. And I laugh as I destroyed the little baby doll. Yeah, with this horrific smile on your face, you, Johnny Five, the fucking baby.

I'm fine! The doll is destroyed, and as soon as you have completely decimated this inanimate human baby, human baby, you transform back into mortadella, the threat of the doll having been removed. Oh, God. I'm a scared. You want to pick up. No, I'm Mordidela. I will continue. I'll pick up the next door on.

Roll the day 20 for me. Continue building. 16. You gotta see a nice and thin. Nice and thin. Aren't you supposed to be on break? This is my, I'm making myself a sandwich. Is your map over?

I need to launch that one. Yeah, the ruckus was crazy, all of the crassing of stones. 16, you say? Yeah. Sorry. You shrink. You begin to get smaller and smaller and smaller. You drop the stone before it can crush you.

Because you have, by the time you come to rest, have shrunk down to an eight inch tall, still to scale, but eight inch tall version of yourself. You've been Indian in the cupboard. The second he runs off. He must be on his break, too. Well, it's been about three hours. My man did a break is over. You help.

Well, Polko's just left, so. Where did he go? Where do you? You're like jumping up and down? Yeah. Oh, wow. So wait a minute. If I'm on a saying this correctly,

we had Galaamon start fighting the control of it yeah Pork those have suddenly shrunk and we're much larger He suddenly struck Well we better get this over with before

We get too far into the session That is the DM thinly veiled fetishes Not to mention all the No Not to mention all the third purpose Isn't that why there were so many dolls? I don't even want to know Well here we go

I'm into the You attempt to grab the rocks though and you you hurt yourself. You do, you do pull a muscle in your back. Your lower back is previously injured but I needed to roll a D20. I got it on the job. There's something seriously. There better be half of pain. 17.

17. Oh, roll again. Oh. How. 10? How am still fooled by you? I don't know. I should have seen that cover.

Why, you I should have seen that cover. I have a cool. I'm not making this up. The person you saw last possesses you. The person you saw die last, specifically, possesses you. Oh, now a buck. Well, you were lifted in the stove for me after you saw pork ghosts go small. Salt-Sage!

And then... I can't keep this up. What are you saying? And then you hold your back muscle. Are you feeling okay? Why am I so... Why am I so short and fat? And why I feel so old.

I was so young and vibrant. Your back hurts. At the young child-child-like age of 42 and my lower back gets killing me. What's going on? Down here! Help! Oh, no, a bug is tearing my inside down.

You're talking about. You're just standing there. Hold me aside. And hey. Oh, hey. Booker. Is that you down there? Yes.

I never thought I'd see you. So small. I am good at each other back. Oh, ever again. What do you mean, of course, is me? I'm just going to start working on this thing. I'm going to pick up a stone. Suddenly, you grab a stone and endeavor to move it into place.

Roll a D20 for me. Gapagoo, this is a very sick joke. I'm okay for it. Man, roll again. 15. 15. Attempts of persuasion and social interaction always backfire spectacularly.

Oh, great. I don't know what's going on. But you are able to lift the stone and put it in place if you so desire. Wait now. I don't know what's going on here, but I really need you to help me with this. Muradale, it's you.

Yeah, we've been, we traveled all What are you talking about? I was getting your part of the type. Now I'm here. You're guessing. Is it really you? Oh, who else would it be?

Oh, sausage. We have missed you so. It's me, sausage. Gabagoo could be here to see you. Wait, are you trying to see it? It's me. Sausin'i-J. Well, Gabagoo always did a good sausage impression, so I'm not sure.

I love how he started with some, like, bar-topper in the stage. Yes. This is my hate gazillion, young person. I get 12 mixed sticks. I knew what's going on. Last time I remember that, that wild, kick-ass, strong and strong young lady, who is kind of more of a blank slate for the audience to

project themselves upon. Jesus. Was being badass. And taking out that giant bug, I was trying to pull me in trails back into my stomach. So I was here. The archway. And I keep her. You hear a soft echoing as it begins to get closer and closer.

Hey guys. Hello. I'm back. You haven't been able to stop this entire time. It's just been endless. I've realized that I have to get past my... embarrassment and come help rebuild this thing. None of us are going to make fun of you at all for what's going on,

but I need you to keep building this archway because Gabagool's turned into sausage. What? Oh, is you live in Gailamari. Oh my God, he's sick with grief. My have you, Gras. I don't believe it. It can't be. No, it's truly me.

Gosh, there was a tired blue bug with steam breath. Oh, it joined me to peace. No, you were a cute, buddy. Alcatchel, you mean Daisy? She was such a badass. She had crazy powers. We suspect that she murdered you. My favorite part about it is.

Is that her personality could be whatever you, the viewer, wants it to be? Okay, this is a nightmare. We have to try to end this, and I'll walk over and I'll bend down to pick up a rock, as I bend down. Why are you farting? Why are you burning? What? Please don't bring attention to it.

I'm really trying to work through this. Why are you, darn? That's disgusting. I will help. You can't move the rocks at all. You can attempt to touch them, but I will say that as soon as you grab one, well, both of you roll a D20.

What's going on? Thirteen. 19. 19. I thought when I died I'd go to ogre heaven. What is this horseshit? It's actually terrible torture, oblivion. No, that's a great question.

Did you meet Sopholeth? The great Sopholith in the field of Sopholus's dreams? You drop the stone on your head. You do not actually, you're not able to get it to the archway. But as you're pushing it before, you're farting and you're exclaiming because of sausage's exclamations and declaration. All of a sudden, the stone slips and. smacks you in your head. You take three bludgeoning damage in this moment, and you're looking at your hands as it smarts. You hold your head, feeling the pain, and you realize that your hands are slick with something. Looking, you are sweating butter. Ew.

Am I still on my other liquors too? Face bag. Poor ghost, I want to die. What happened to you? Godmari. I don't know. I thought Gabagool taught you that drugs are bad again. I'm sweating butter. That's what I'm saying. Actual butter. It's the drugs that these kids are doing these days after they got rid of teaching the

Zophilip. I can't. I can't want to watch. All the kids threw the drugs and suddenly butter and farting rainbows. What are you saying? You didn't go to heaven? Are you confirming that Sopholith was a scam? I was in some dark cave in the water with a bunch of ghost ogres or something.

I don't know. What? Ghost, it sounds like he was with Sotho. I was in Neverending torment. It wasn't the paradise? No, it was a terrible, terrible hell. What? Yeah, it was a bunch of bad stuff having the afternoon.

Poor ghosts, you're listening to this, and you are still trying to help. I'm trying to show both. You're pushing into it. You're pushing into one of the stones, at least trying to get it closer to the archway. And in a moment, all of a sudden, you see on the same wall of this, stone, which is to you the size of like a large wagon at this point. You're pushing and pushing. A second Horkos looks at you. Ha ha ha! He starts to push into it. To you, to you, he sounds the, he sounds the correct pitch. And he realized that a duplicate

of yourself appears mirroring your every motion and action. If what sausage says is true, then Sopuleth has a abandon us. And this is why I'm can't stop farting and I'm spending butter. I, there's no reason to go on. We should just curl up in the snow and die. Yeah, you might be right about that. I was in bug hill getting eaten by bugs. All that waits for us is oblivion. And oblivion. All that wait for us is oblivion. And steam, in steam rooms. I saw nothing like this. I sound nothing like this.

Yeah. It's all matter. Why are there so many ostriches? Right? There are so many hostages. I don't know where to do here. Wait. I can't believe. Together we can do it. And you know what?

Together we can do it. Let us lift. Let us lift. My favorite part. My only consolation that Daisy, the hero tried to save me in my final moments. Make a strength check at advantage because you're being helped to see if you can get one of the additional stones in place. Just straight strength?

Yep. Uh, 15. 15. You are able to push. it into place and I need your roll a D20 as all of a sudden you all watch this day the portal lasts even more strongly than it did before and you all watch and you can see it's not just a swirl of color and motion anymore beyond is a beautiful sight a lush almost garden a picturesque vision of vegetation their flowers and beautiful shaped trees.

The green is a green of grass you didn't think could be possible. It is gorgeous. But all of a sudden, through that space, just as it flashes out of existence, gone in, arriving in one moment, gone in the next, I need to roll a D20. Oh, again? Yep.

One. A handful, a dozen, two dozen, three dozen, perhaps more of small circular discs with interesting shaped designs on the face spit out and fall to your feet. To you, to you, these are the size of like shields. Say everyone else, they're pogs. Whoa. What's going on, by the way? My brother, where's Kabagoo?

You are Kabagoo. Look at you. What are you talking about? Look at me. Is there a mirror around here? Oh, I'm possessing my tears. brother. I'm so glad you guys made it. Do I solve my clone? Yeah. It's just mirroring everything that I do. Yeah, you're small, you are both still smiling constantly. Regardless of emotion and the, yeah, you have all three of these RPs are stash. Hey, boomers remember pogs? They're apparently very hip again. Are they really? All I know is that I think what this is all is in soft and its plan I've returned from the dead after seeing the gift of the shahalaz.

I would give anything to go back to the time before the false prophets showed up and ruined everything. That's right. I think that this is now the beginning of a new movement. We need to go and find those traitors humans and leave them to paradise. To sophilist summary fields or whatever. I will use my brother's body as a vessel, and I am risen. The second coming of sausage. The second coming of sausage. It is written.

Kalamari, make a, make a, uh, perceptual. Me? Yep. Okay. Perception, you said. Yeah. I got a 14. You see a snowball sailing in your direction. Do you try to dodge out of the way? I attempt to catch it with deflect missiles.

Huh. Okay. I use my reaction to deflect or catch the missile when I am hit by a ranged weapon attack. Uh-huh. When I do so, the damage I take from the attack is just by 1D10 minus 6. Okay. If I reduce the damage zero and I have a free hand, which I do, I can spend one key point to make arranged attack with it by throwing it back at the attack. Great. Does it hit me?

Because being hit is part of the condition. I'll roll a C instead of a dexterity saving throw. What's your AC? 16. Yeah, I got a natural 17. I would like to use my reaction to reduce it by 1D10 plus. What's the damage? It's always a 1D4, so...

Oh, I definitely reduce the damage down. Four, I rolled a 4. All right, well, I got an 11. Okay. So I see this snowball coming, and I catch it, but the way that I catch it, I use the momentum, and I spin around in a 360 degree and whip the snowball right back where it came

from making a range of attack at wherever this thing is. Okay, go ahead and roll to hit. 15 to hit. 15 to hit. That hits. You are able to smash the face of this small, furry, different color-eyed creature. It's clearly shown up to perhaps for revenge

for his 19 dead brothers and sisters, but he becomes number 20 as he smashed him in the face. I was gonna say he just hits him and he like tumbles down off the side of the wall. No, no, no, no, no. A snowball-sized hole. You were able to whip this snowball so fast, you go like that.

A snowball-sized hole just appears in the center of this creature where its mouth should have been and you're able to see through that as he falls forward, the scream stops instantly. He tumbles down to the ground and lands in a lump. Two things happen. One, you kill the strange creature.

And two, you are no longer flatulent. You seem to be cleared of all of the curses of these strange stones. I'm not in the mood today. I can't stop farting. Wait, wait a minute. My tummy feels better. I think it's over.

It's over. It's done. I'm free! I'm not sweating butter anymore! What? Is this a like in return to normal? I don't... maybe. I'm not sure if it was me killing one of the snow pervers, or what? But I'm free. I kind of like having you second porcos though.

Oh, let me try this one on you. Let me try this one on you. In America, you put in God we trust on your money. In your car, we have no money. No money. How many? How do you have? It's good, though.

It's good, though. Okay. Speaking of God, let's go. I think that I have been reborn into a god after being brought low by the Remaraz. I think I'm Remarazora high. You've heard the prophecy. Reborn amongst snow and butter.

wheeling wielding of bloody meat hook and he will wake spooky robots from stone maybe this is why Safeleth isn't real because Sausage is the real prophet

I am the prophet of I am the prophet of Sopholith Periminal Rizora high I must wake the spooky robot from the stone The spooky ghost from the stone This will be a great beautiful

for us to conquer. Okay. You're way cooler than Uncle Gaba Gould. Uncle Saucid, you should stay forever. Uncle Gaba Gould played his part. And that part is over. My lower back really hurts. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.

As was written. Brother Porcos let us stealth and bushwhack one of the snow pervers. So we're going to go see. sneak and try to like very stealthily as eight inches tall, we're both gonna sneak up onto and then try to stealthily kill a snow perver. A sausage, I'm going to try to wake the beast from the stone.

So I'm gonna try to help. You follow your tiny twin brothers, who are themselves now identical, running up different stairs, looking for these creatures. There are very few left, it would seem, for it takes you a long time. Make an investigation check. advantage one of you. 15. No, no, 14. It does take you some time, but eventually you are able to

find one and not just find one, but you're peeking over a wall. You can see one of these creatures dragging his long arms, making his way around as though to sneak up on the courtyard and perhaps with two snowballs in either hand. It looks like you'd be able to drop down and get literally the drop on this strange creature. Are you ready? And we'll leap and grab hands sort of like skydiving style and spin around.

That's adorable. Land on them and it'll be like the scene from Jurassic Park where the compies eat John Hammond. We're gonna just like tear them apart our bare hands. Like ripping their eyeballs out, their flesh.

Make an attack roll to see how effective your attack is. He may be able to get away. That's very funny. I'll give it to you. Back tactics. That is a 17.

A 17. You are able to grab onto the long hair of this creature, and even though it's like beating up a whale, you are strong enough, and between you and your brother, you were able to take this creature down.

I was trying to take out his jugged. It's extremely violent. Gaba Gaba Goule, you watch the entire thing. Sorry, sausage as Gabaugaugaugauga. Gabaugaul as sausage. You watched the entire thing. You were shocked by your

brother's transformation. Sausage, returns, he lives, we will lead them to paradise. Those traitors and heretics, they have turned away against the ways of Sothelian. This is a tragedy. I will wake the beast from the stone, reborn amongst snow and butter.

When the screaming stops, the two of you stare at each other, covered in viscera. But nothing changes. The curse is not undone. Oh, fuck. What the hell? We're both coated in blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You read from, like, it looks like you just fell into a fucking, like, grape-making barrel. The horrors I have committed. Oh, no. Do you come back? We both walked back to all the hands. Uncle Porcos! What happened? Were you successful? It looks like you killed one. We paid.

It didn't fix you? No. I don't know what fixed my horrific flatulents. Did you have some of that mushroom coffee I told you about? No, I couldn't find any. You still have stuck poop, and the flagellants can come back at any time. I've seen those YouTube ads about the 15 pounds of toxic poop. The CPM on those is very hard.

is very high. Golden bottle. It is. The toxic poop. I don't know what top the poop is. It's clink bait. Advertisement.

There is no toxic poop in paradise. What I saw was softened with paradise, actually. I was kidding. I was kidding earlier. I was kidding earlier. I am sausage.

What are we going to do? I was really going to read and we're going to wait the bees from the stone. How many more of these stones they did? I'm going on. He was already doing it.

Oh, you're, Yeah, I'm with sausage as well. I'm trying to. Roll a D20 for me as you pick up the next four. You are now sponsored. You get one gold piece every time you find a clever way to mention this brand. Blum.

Oh, I'm breaking a sweat. But you know what? I had so much energy friends, because I hadn't skipped breakfast. And I always loved cereal in the morning with my morning minor images. And that's why I today sponsored Magic Spoon. I sponsored this and I had a big bowl of

Magic Spoon. I prefer the fruity crunch provided, but you can enjoy chocolate bean and butter. You all listen to here. And street other flavors. And it's got a cool thing. And it's actually high and protein and low in carbs and is keto friendly. So you use code a remor high

to get 20% off your first order and they deliver directly to you. As he positions the final stuff in the place. And the flash occurs, and for an extended period of time, you all see the most beautiful heaven you've ever seen, a space that looks warm and gorgeous. You even get a warm wind against your face. You get a fragrant smell of flowers. I need to roll a D20 for me, Mikey. Oh, me?

a nine. A nine. And I'll put another stone back on after I take the gold coin. You see this flashing and then all of a sudden, when the image of color and shapes disappears,

you're again staring into the courtyard, but an object is flipping through the air. What looks like a long rod, and you catch it in one hand. And you can see at the bottom of this rod, there's almost like a small cylinder, and you turn the rod like this, and it goes,

Yeah. Ah! Oh, what is it? What is he said again? Yeah. Add groan stick to your inventory. 80% as was written,

wielding a groaning rod. Reborn about snow and butter. I will wait the beach from the stone. and although I died the first time because the Remerast found me if only I had used today's sponsor Norvipa and never wanted to find my location we are legally required to say that this is not a sponsorship

it's just as good also we are legally required also I can watch cartoons with my magic spoon cereal that are available in Drakhan that are available in Barkas you know that's funny

Sorry, I just had to know. As a prophet of Sopholith, I want to bring the heritage to paradise. And building a paradise is tough work, as it is for all world builders. Keeping notes is really tough and hard to organize with our today's sponsor, World Amper. You'll be able to build your own paradise and bring all of your players from your game to that paradise.

Make it exertion. Use code sausage together. Eight, we're all a D2. Me? Oh, a D20? Dxterity saving? Just a D2, call, tails or head. Well, I didn't roll any saving throw.

Oh, you, I thought you said... No, no. Dxterity saving throw. I'm actually pretty good at that. Oh, my God. It's still loaded. It's definitely a lot. How old is your phone?

17. Wow, I just rolled one, two, and three as you were talking. What did you have? What did you roll? 17. 17. 17. Yeah. 17 I have to try to beat.

I fail. A snowball pelts the wall beside you, but misses. And you look up and you can see one of these few remaining creatures. And he starts to put together another snowball. Hey, you sure are hairy, just like my nuts used to be. You get hit by a snowball immediately. But with today's sponsor, Manscape. He's going to be rude.

You take one bludgeoning damage. As a snowball smacks into your face, scratching you with its ice contents, and all of your curses are cleared in this moment. As you are hit by the snowball, you still have a groaning stick, that's real. But the sponsorship and sausage possession, all of these things disappear.

Go on you, the sponsorship thing is just innate to his character. That's true. But you are four gold pieces. We do. I don't want to be dead. I don't want to beat hell. I don't want to beat hell.

Oh, God. Oh, poor. Like, Saupoleith is great. Green fields and pastures. That sounded really bad. Maybe they would ride the ogres? I don't know. I'm starting to have doubts.

It was all I live. I have to go home. You asked me how many stones there appear to be, right? There appear to be two stones remaining in the courtyard. Me and my twin go do one of them. Both of them are larger than any one person could pick up at normal size. Additionally, looking at the archway, it's still complete, but completing.

And you've made tremendous progress. But these two are not going to finish the archway. Ah, shit. We have a problem. What? I don't think there are enough stones to complete our project. What's the fuck happening? I was on my mandated break and I decided to help.

and I ran my back and I fell over, I woke up. Did I just have a stroke? Maybe. I don't know. You thought you were sausage. What are you sleepwalking again? Why do I suddenly feel the need to get scammed into thinking I'm the Lord in Scotland? I don't know.

That was very funny. But we were really worried about you. You, you, you, you, I don't know what's the fuck I'm thinking of a hideaway dream. to be the second coming of sausage. I had a weird dream, hey. Sausage? You were possessed by this soul of our dear kid brother. Now you mean my kid, brother?

He was really dark. Only 42 years old. We give it. He was 42 years old. Oh, my sausage was here. It was here. Speaking through your mouth. Oh, I always knew that he was my guardian angel looking after me.

He said something really concerning, before you came back. Like what? Something about hell and pitchforks and 15. I don't think Sophilus is using Sophilus's grace. That would be that ridiculous. Could that mean that everything we're talking about Thoffel?

With a true. Every time, every time, that could be right. I know I'm having doubts. And every time Gaba Gould is doing this with his hands, he's still got that fucking groan sticks, so he's like, uh, e, uh,

you know what to do. But I don't know what to do. Perhaps we can lift these stones together with me and me and you. We can try. And you. Yeah, I'll help. But it won't be enough to finish the archway. But we have to do something.

We can craft the last stone. Maybe. Out of what? Stones? I don't know. Take some of the bodies from those things you've been killing and just stuff them into the last lot. Ugh. That's the genius idea, welcome down.

Thanks. Come here, soup perverts. We're going to desecate your food. Why do you keep calling them soup, perverts. There's snow perverts. Oh, the snow boomers. I hit my head when I fell down. You were doing before, but who's counting?

Let's pick up the stardoms. Occasionally start breathing in your sleep. You know, I was having really rough sleep, but I realized it was my mattress and wasn't until he looked sleep. No gold appears. He's just saying this. I afflicted a comfy mattress made for my knees. The four of you walk up and

What's your niece's name? What? You said the mattress was made for your niece. No, I never had a tether. And sausage never took a wife. And neither did pork goes. Oh, my kid, brother. I always said sausage, stay away from those rods.

They're gonna break your heart like kimchi. May she rest in the piece. You all walk up to the largest of the two stones. It'll require all five of you to pick up the this stone and move it into position where you might be able to lift it with the successful strength check. We do it. But when you all put your hands on the stone, I need one of you to roll a D20.

All of you are constantly slipping on banana peels causing their fall proof. Do it. Yeah, you can't do it. Cologne porkel broke his neck in the far. Wait, but that me? Hold on, hold on, hold on. You killed him. You killed him.

I think he's fine. He's like, he's like stuck to him. Yeah, go in a porpo. His body is going. He's a broken. He's like a bag of meat. Oh, you know. What if that was the real porcos in I am in the close?

You would know, right? I don't know if I would know. I think I am the real porcos. Oh, but that porcos probably thought it was the real porcoes. Poor ghost. Oh, no. No. How is this happening?

Oh. Burk ghost, I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. Six. You fail. Call tails or heads? Heads. Tails. I fail.

You take four points of bludgeoning damage, and your tiny form is a massive snowball. Almost the height of you hits you, but you lose all curses at once, and you grow back into your massive state. Like that. Is he still there or does he disappear? He would have disappeared.

You no longer have a goo body. Where Gabba Ghul was smashing. It just looks like a tampered down snow. Oh, thank you so for ending. Gosh. Well, I don't know what's going on. I want to go home. I just want to go back to the camp that we made

that was outside of the men. That was so nice. Me too. Oh, the thin trail of smoke. That sausage would have loved. He would have loved. He would have loved to be alive today. He also would have loved the new dungeon in Raid Shadow Lager.

And by using code, Gaba Gawl, got 10,000 silver. And the new skin, Gorgobb's gobbur-gob. The not hero. Blood today's father. And he could join. And he would have joined my clan, too. How do I spell the name of the hero? Someone in chat.

Someone in the end of the chat has to go back and try to construct. There are still two stones here. You know, they might not complete the arch, but given the gray warnings of Mortadella and the fear you hear her voice from the beginning of this day, you wonder if not putting it in place may spell, disaster. I'll do it. Borgos, you might be the only one who can do this. I can't stand up.

I do not want to be cloned again. I need to... I'll do it. In the honor of sausage, if he was truly here, spreading the good word of sauceilis. Well, not quite, I mean, I have lots of doubts now. I will put it in the stone. Everything we believe is probably a rye. It's not true.

You attempt to reach the stone. My bad. And your back slips, and you fall prone because you hit another banana peel. You're unable to get to the Stone and Time, Porcos. You think that with a righteous strength check, you may be able to pick up the stone even by yourself. Porcos, it has to be you. You're the only one strong enough. Roll out of Rage, and I will do it. Ooh.

We have twist. I'm twisting until I pass this. Natural 20. What's fucking good? A natural 20? Or enough, plus 3. No, no, no, a natural 20 on the... No, on the shrink check.

On the shrink check. Okay. You are able to put it into place, but I need you to roll a D20 for what comes out the portal, and a D20 for your twist. You choose the order. Portal. Three, twist, or whatever...

Curse. Curse is 13. You push it into place, and all of a sudden, around both of your wrists. Two slap bracelets. Neat. And then, however, what was the number that you got for your prompt? 13.

Roll again. 14. Roll again. One. Roll again. 18. No, no, one we've gotten. We haven't gotten.

Oh, wow, I thought we got one. You look at your hands, and you realize that these strange metal straps can be pulled off and straightened, and then snap back onto your... And you have two of these now, and you're looking at them. Then you're looking at your hands, and you're noticing wrinkles? Every minute you will age one year. I don't know if I would notice right away. That'll be you either.

I'm going to get out. Gosh, none of us are skilled to putting these stones back together. Is it done? There's still one more stone. You have to do it again, Porcos. Can someone else do it? I can't stand up. I'm feeling wind.

I don't have the skill. If only I had subscribed to today's sponsor, Skillshare. I could have learned everything I needed and it's easy to use courses. It has to be you. It has to be you, Porcos.

You're the only one that can stand. By using code Snowper, but ever, get a free mom. Get a free mom. And skillshare.com. Could you at least chill our own problems? The person who reviews the codes

is like, snow pervert. You're right. I hope someone goes to Skillshare and tries to use snowperper. You're right. I hope they don't. You're right, poor clothes, my dear brother. Yes.

We're all beaten and battered, but I've been useless. I've been a coward. I never had the makings of vivacity athlete. No, you're the money. But now, I'm going to prove that I can save us all. But this last stone,

and sink back to the fond folk horror stories I would tell sausage when he was a kid brother at the age of 41. And I learned it all from the Crooked Moon at the Crookedmoon.com, the greatest folk horror supplement ever written. And with the Crooked Moon, I was able to brave the dark wood,

beware the witching hour, and weave my own dreadful folktale at the crookin mood.com. Free order now before prices go up. To avoid the banana peel slippage to attempt this, I need you to make a dexterity. An acrobatics check, right? And...

I'm twisting. Yeah, I'd do it. I'm twisting. I needed a roll of D20. I'm twisting. Three twists. Oh, 18. Okay.

Three twists, thanks, folks. Okay. You get it in place. And you need to roll up your prompt. Isn't there only one left? Yeah, there's only one left. You touched it. By touching you are going to be cursed by the strange stone curses,

and by putting it in place... 25. You don't add anything to the... Oh, my acrobatics? Oh, your acrobatics? Yes. I thought you were already successful at that. No, it is 25.

You rolled in 18 and you have a 25. Yes. I see. Yes. Okay. 25. You are able to dodge the bananas. You're able to easily out-maneuver them and put this...

largest stone into place. You can see that there's just room, perhaps, for a keystone, but you are cursed as you touch this stone. Why don't you roll a D20 for me? One. Roll again? Seven.

Go again? 17. Three. Three. Eight. Five. Three. We're going to go with three.

Thank you. Before prices go up, like this stone. It flashes and flashes and flashes, and it's warping and twisting and shattering apart. And for a moment, it actually seems to stabilize this portal. And you feel like you could walk through it. When all of a sudden, a small pixie flutters up, beautiful butterfly wings, gorgeous featured.

She hovers right in front of your face. Are you gabagoole? Whoa. Hello. I said, are you gobble? Oh, wow. How you do it? Hey.

Hey. How you do it? Yeah. How you doing? How you doing? How you doing pretty, My name is Gabagoole. Is your name Gabagoole?

That's right it is. Don't wear it out, tubs. Thanks, you've just been served. And then she disappears into the portal, which suddenly vanishes. Served with what? You're holding a parchment, looking at the parchment. Kim Chi, still alive, wants divorce. Gosh.

What is it? I haven't been served this badly. Since that time we went out to eat at that overpriced restaurant, thank goodness was hello fresh. I can have affordable, home-cooked meals that are very delicious and easy to make. All delivered to my Thor. I thought Kim Cheese was dead.

We thought so, too. She is alive? Well, I mean, I guess it's better that she wants a divorce than she's dead, yeah? No. This means she will take half of his stuff. That means she's gonna take half of myself. You didn't sign a pre-nup? I did, but the court's gonna throw it out.

What do you even have to take? Uncle God, my dignity. We'll see, we'll see how good these new fucking lawyers are. No, it's just unrippable. They won't tear. Coss is gonna die for this. Oh gosh, we're gonna split to the Beanie Baby collection.

And a beanie baby pops out from the portal. You all watch as Gabagool slips this final rock, not final rock, but penultimate rock into place. Penultate. Penelum Tate. Penelum. Penelum. Penelum. Penelum Tate.

Penelum Tate. Penelum Tate. Thank you. Thank you. In a place. And a pixie arrives serving him court summons and disappearing into the portal. He is still desperately trying and failing to rip it apart. But Poros, you're the only one who is...

Totally different. Totally different. You're the only one who can seemingly walk around without slipping on banana peels. It's a miracle that Gabagol is able to navigate to this space. The two of you, Mortadella and Kalamari, you are nearly helpless without a very helpless. very high dexterous role. Yeah, I'm just gonna lay here. Yeah, I'm just gonna lay in the snow.

Yeah, I'm with you, Kalamari. Not very dexterous. And looking at the portal, you can see that the keystone is what remains. It looks like the perfect size to one of those little bucks. Oh, the snow perverts? Yeah.

The rest of you, lay there. Make sure that Gabagool does not stop breathing for too long. She was supposed to be dead. My life insurance policy is worth my I will help. And I'm just gonna sort of trot off and start looking all around the castle, the courtyard for a keystone shaped stone.

Make an investigation check. I'm twisted it, yeah. It's midnight, so I'm twisting it. That's a 16. So 15 total. 15 total. 15 total. Yeah.

You make a perimeter walking around the courtyard. As you walk by the entrances to the sort of inner areas, you walk past a library looking in. You can see there's a very studious scholar, still putting books into a cart, wheeling them over and situating them. You pass. You continue to walk around.

You can see a kid. kitchen, full of food and fragrant with delicious goods. But looking for a stone as you are, you pass. You go back and you can see in the armory, and the knight has returned, the defender of this fortress. And again, you pass, you are hell-bent on finding this stone. But you only see the stone of the fortress, this destroyed space. You do not see that same alabaster stone anywhere in this courtyard area.

area. You do see, to Mortadella's suggestion, 19 bodies shaped perfectly like this keystone. This is a very weird coincidence. All right, I'm going to collect as many as I can, as many corpses as I can. Yeah, yeah. You're able to carry like eight or nine of these things at once. I want, kind of like when you have the little balls of like blue tack or poster tack, and I like stick it together and make a big ball. I want to basically start sticking them together to make as big of a corpse ball as I can.

And I'm gonna walk up to the archedstone, just press it in, and obviously there's gonna be extra, but I wanna like fully mush the corpse balls really tuck it in there. Just really get it in every nook and cranny, so it is as tight as possible, and then scrape off the, I'll take like a pottery tool. Ah, this is a nightmare.

Multi-colored eyes, arms, fur, and blood and bones all squish into this space. And you do your very best to carve it into shape. And you take a few steps back and put your hands on your hips and look up at your creation. And it looks like the arch is perfect. And there's this momentary flicker. A brilliant light shifts around. And you can see all of a sudden the portion. start to stabilize, to shift and work.

And you can see this almost illusory terrain start to come in and out of focus. A UFO! It's dizzying to, it's dizzying as you what. It's dizzying as you, it's dizzying as you, it's dizzying as you look through the portal. A balloon popping. They leave blowing.

Yeah, I was going to say what a chainsaw or something? What else can you do? V-hm. We're just torturing Derek at this point. I'm working on a new one. I have a new one for beneath our wingside, I think. You had a really good one the other week where I was like, wow, that's impressive and I can't think of... Anyway, continue.

Thank you. Oh, paper ripping. Yeah. It's easier with paper. A colonoscopy. Yeah, you have to have paper. What? Oh, that's really good.

A colonoscopy. I have a really funny joke. I don't know. Nothing sad. Tell us later. I'll tell you later. It's very funny. One moment.

You look through and this beautiful space seems to be in front of you. And it finally comes to rest. You're looking into a wild terrain of magic, it looks like. It's gorgeous, and it looks like you could walk through this portal if you wanted to. Oh, my gosh! I'm looking over my shoulder. I'm like trying to like roll on my stomach. Is that? Sothelis Great Greenfields? It is Ogre Heaven. Oh! Borgos! Uncle Borgos, pick me up! Pick me up! Take me through!

Yes, boy! This is what... Thank you! Saucid sacrifice themselves for. This is paradox. This is paradise that he was talking about in my head. Look, I'm going to be honest. I don't care what it is. It's much better than this.

You're right. Let's all go together. Are we ready? I'm ready. Can someone drag me through? I will pick you up as well. Oh, thank you. I would do it, but I'm now back on another mandated break. You all stand, and you are familiar enough now with the falling of banana peels that you know that you need to really, really take your time.

stepping after step, you're being carried by porco's. Kabaguel, Mordidale. You slowly walk, and the four of you start to progress closer and closer when just as you're about five, six, seven feet away from the entrance, making your way almost upstairs to cross through the threshold. The Keystone goops free of its space. and the portal fades and disappeared I can fix this I can fix this put me down first I put them down you push the blood back in and again it crystallizes and you see this charge fill the entire space and it is darker it is red with blood you it is dripping and you are looking through and you can see the beautiful space but is also shifting

to another space. You can see rocks. You can see a floating magma in the air. You can see, you get a smell of sulfur, of burnt eggs on the- quickly! I throw mortadella.

I throw... I'm sprinkled. I shook everyone through. You chucked them through, and I needed to make a dexterity saving throw to see if you make it through in time before the constructed keystone falls back apart.

I do have any sense. Twist it till you get 100. That's pretty good. Let's say 15. A 15. You dart forward and you hear the portal close just as you pass through. You imagine that perhaps if it had stopped

as you were passing through that your legs or your feet would have been left behind. But you fall down. You are not. in a beautiful space of plants and flowers and fairies. Looking around you seem to be in a desolate place. Oh, the hell perhaps that sausage was describing earlier. Looking all around, you seem to be in an impossible dark space. The sky is itself a roiling red and black cloud that just seems to consistently undulate all around you. You can see

lightning strikes in the distance. You see a mountain rain all around you. You're in a terrible space. No, no. Oh, God, it's so much better than you're cool. What have we done? Where are we? Is this our punishment for the crimes that we've made, for the murders we've committed? No. Galamad. Let's all relax. Let's all relax. This is just one speed bump in the way.

Sausage wouldn't lead us astray, would he? Sausages did. He was screaming about a hell. He's looking at. I think you are having an episode, dear brother. I don't think it was him. All of your curses have cleared, and your senses have come back to you. You still have the objects that you chose to keep with you.

The caribou left behind, the mystery of the ghosts unsolved. You look behind you, and there's no archway here. There aren't any stones. There's nothing to activate. You seem to have come through where there was be black rock, a face of rock. You were in what feels like some nether world. What have we done? Do you still have that wound?

You? Yeah, don't, you could good. Well, there's no place to go but forward. This is another step on our quest to bring the heritage to paralyzed. You see as in the sky a massive, tenderled creature just seems to float and scream and shriek as it continues to move through the sky. It's fine. Think positively. Think positively. I can't help it feel like this is Alcatra's fault.

I think I know where we are. Where? Where? Well, there, the pogs and the grown sticks. I think we are in the 90s. You look down and you realize you're wearing jeans that flare out extremely wide at the bottom. Oh, jeans, I always wanted! You're in 90s hell. There's a shopping mall over there. Oh my gosh.

Okay, but how do you like my silver eye shadow. It's pretty nice, right? I hate brunch. My very, very thin, highly plucked eyebrows. Hey guys, look with this stick, er-uh, I can dig and I can make an S with just only using a handful of lines. That's actually pretty cool. Look at how old is my entire personality, man. Guys, if this is, if this truly,

if we truly are in. You're so close. You're so glad you have to make three lines. I never did these. I never did it. Wow, someone was a pro S-M. Boom! That's cool.

That's cool. Well. All I can say is that if we are truly a 90s hell, I think there's nothing left to do, but have 13 beers of the local cheese. You feel a flash. And you can see that this rocky and insane terrain does lead up almost to a point.

A singular building that's on a column of, stone like a stalagmite. And there does appear to be a cheese there. Little cheese and your rat-like ways that was all foreshadowing. It was prophesizing that we would end up here. This is our destiny, friends. There's no other way.

Let us climb. You start to make your way, all four of you together. And you can hear the screeching of these impossible beasts. huge maws, no eyes or anything like that, just tendrils and tail, swimming through the sky. It should be impossible that they are able to levitate or suspend themselves in the air as they do, but they swim around and continue to their screaming as you continue to make your way to the little cheese, walking up closer and closer and closer. It's precarious. I need everyone to make a dexterity check as you make your way from point A to point B.

Finally. Nice. 18. I got a five, but I think that's because I found a nano baby on the floor. And so I was picking it up to see that it had pooped everywhere and I needed to make sure it was well. You spy the nano baby. Yeah. And you take the couple steps that you need to in order to get over there.

What did you get, Kalamari? 23. 23. You walk over. None of you have quite noticed that Mortadella is. the Mordidella is keeping up. As she reaches down to grab this, this nanobaby, and you hold it up.

What were you checking for? Oh, nothing. I just got a five on my dexterity. But what were you checking for on the nano baby? Oh, I heard the beeping, so I automatically knew that it would shit itself. Yeah. And it needed to clean it up.

Yeah. You start to take the actions to clean the baby when the floor underneath you crumbles away. Suddenly you realize you're standing over nothing but air, and there are hundreds of feet below you as you begin to crumble and drop. I look down and then back up and then down and then back up.

Uh-oh! And then I plummet. Mordadella's... Doodoo-do-do-do-do-do. Wow! The slabbakes in the air, really is 90s, hell! You hear the scream as Mordadella disappears from the bridge that you're crossing

and fall hundreds of feet. You have no idea if she could possibly survived this but she's gone we can we can't go back it no we were meant to be here she she wasn't strong enough she wasn't strong enough monadella no modella may she rest in may she rest in piss that freaking we continue Gary climbing oh my gas but you can continue to climb there's no time I need everyone to make a dexterity saving throw saving throw you say or just a dexterity check I should say to watch saving that no just Yeah, I'm 100% certain.

22. Oh, natural 20 for a 23. Natural 20 for a 22. Wow. 22? Oh, you guys all are able to progress and make your way to the little cheese. The local chief?

Yeah, you're standing there right in front of it now. Does it sound like arcade games and smell of old pizza and stale beer? It does have all of those. sensations. You feel that you have come home in a weird way. This is where we were meant to be. I don't understand any of this. That traitorous lying rat actually was guiding us to our divine destiny. She led us to hogger hell. We turned out to be 90s hell.

It turned out to be paradise. The woe for Mortadela turned out to be her undoing, her truth. the fear that she'd been feeling since the morning that she drank the tea was her end, her fate. But the three of you push the door open. I'm sorry. You walk forward and it goes, this is truly heaven.

Are you a Jedi? It's paranoid. No, I didn't do that. Calamari? I didn't do that. You know, Kalamari is too many syllables. Galamad. That's why it comes free. I had an idea for a nickname. I don't think I'm not like where this is going. There is a television show. I watch every

Monday. Yeah? There is a great boy hero. Oh, boy. And I believe that you could take his name as a nickname it's similar. What is it? Cayu. Oh. He's a little freaky boy. I don't like to sound out at all.

I think he is a strong boy hero. You're not doing good job selling it. Every Monday on Nick Jr. He's a little freaky boy. He's a little freak who's kind of a peep and shit, Oh, I'm gonna keep my name, Calamara. Kalamad is a lot better. Thank you, though, for thinking about being.

The more goes, he's father. It's the weak man. And these are the words that you share as you cross the threshold and walk into the little cheese to experience whatever it is that it has to offer. And that is where we'll call tonight.

It zooms out. It's been. What are you? And then if you're going to miss the montage It'll say Mortadela felt to her death minutes after falling through the earth Gabba Ghul had a heart attack

We're playing time crisis too Okay Well Thank you, thank you, everyone You saved us You saved us Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Avengers podcast

We hope you enjoyed the session If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin Tier higher to unlock Shroud over Saltmarsh, a patron exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash Legends of Avengers. If you want to chat about the episode with the Avengers community, join us on Discord at Legendsofaventras.com slash Discord. We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, so make sure you follow our socials at Legendsofaventris.com slash social. and make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5E supplement

published by us. Get your own copy at the crooked moon.com. Thanks again and we'll see you next time.