Legends of Avantris - Icebound | Side Story 4 | Saved by the Hell

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

In this special one-shot adventure, we totally continue to follow the story of the humans who now hella find themselves in a nineties hell mall. Oh snap!   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/9SREUVB9K9A?si=FF4uJ8fdHTybN8Xu

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. I'm Derek Hudson and you're listening to Icebound. It has been a month since your brother sausage died. Very sad. Sausage. So rather than head south, most of you chose to head north instead. And there you encountered a castle, a ruined fortress of some kind, some kind of structure, destroyed.

What was that? What was that? But it was filled with chaotic creatures. Ciotic creatures who would giggle and throw snowballs at you. And things only got stranger from there. You were taken by strange moods, let's say, by curses. You were compelled to construct a massive archway and pass through it. Unfortunately, just the last second as you were passing through that archway.

what looks to be a portal into a beautiful, picturesque, palatial, green, verdant space shifted. And you found yourselves in a space of nightmares. Brimstone in all direction, volcanoes of lava, sky, belching smoke,

lightning flashing red all around you. The smell of burning and the sound of screams all in the air. The only site around you, aside from what I just described being what appeared to be a, a structure, a store, something that you'd never seen before. Your minds could barely comprehend it. You made your way towards what the sign indicated to be a local cheese. On the way, Mordadella died.

Oh, no! It was great meeting. It was great. you guys, I'm gonna go. No. You passed through the doors, through the entranceway, and the rest of the experience that you have, it is

only a blur. A blur of neon and flavors and smells and sights and sounds. Your human Dracharian minds going from the need to survive and the harsh

snows, the realm of Dracar. to this full of games and joy and laughter and drunkenness. You blighted out. And you wake up now. Corkas. You begin to stir. And whatever your fucking your name is. My name's Kalamari.

Sorry, Kalamari. It's Kalamari. Kalamari. You both. You both. You both begin to. You have a ringing headache, and you seem to be on some sort of a marble or tiled floor. You hear the sound of trickling water all around you, and it takes a while for you to come back to your senses.

You realize that you are there right next to what appears to be a fountain, and Gaba Gould, who is still out cold, it seems. Oh no. And you look down. My problem. I need you each to roll. And Mikey, join us. I need you each to all of you to roll a 1D10. Oh, D10.

Oh, re-roll if we get deuce. Oh, I have dice. Oh, three! I got a one. Don't smile like that. Oh, they rolled. Eight. Eight.

Looking over at your brother Gabaguel, you see that he's wearing a bowling shirt with flames, cargo shirts, and rollerblins. Looking down, you try to assess what you might be wearing. And you find yourself, Gaba Gould, wearing a windbreaker track suit with pumps. Sorry, porcos. Oh, a windbreaker track suit with pumps. We, I have...

That's what you're wearing. Oh, I have the windbreaker. Yes, he's wearing the... Got it, okay, yes. That is exactly right. Oh! ... dynamic. Hemmick.

I'm going to let you re-roll if you don't want to see what you see. You're wearing what you were wearing in your car. You do not have alien madness clothing like me, too. No! Uncle Porcos! But still, looking around, you see that you have your inventory. The few things on you as you went from one plane of a dimension to the other. Your weapons and your items, your few things, your few possessions are still on you.

But checking, you also noticed. There's some things in your pockets. Roll 1d8 for me. Is Uncle Gobble Gould dead? Is he breathing clearly? Is he alive? Make a medicine check. I got a 7.

I got a 5. I'm sorry, 1D6. My apologies. 2. 4. 4. You find glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth. Sweet.

What are these? Porcos. 5. 5. You find a small strain. device. It has a small digital display on the front and what appears to be a small creature that is starving, screeching, nearly dead surrounded by poop. What are these thoughts? And if you were to check Gould's pockets, you'd find a sticky

plastic hand, the kind that you slap against walls covered in lint. I need to dare to like as quiet people are saying. He's so loud. He's so loud. I can turn them up more. Here we go. I'm just talking normally. I don't know. I don't get it. I think it's the timbre of your voice. It's not you, buddy. It's not of you. It's maybe also whenever I turn because I'm being animated right now. Maybe. Yeah, you've got to get it right.

We need to expand the game sound. The problem is I make that so loud that we start to pick up on the backside of it, so we all sound worse. You know what? I'm going to split the difference. How about there? You're just going to get rid of Derek. That's fine. If Derek isn't here, then you can't be quiet. Oh.

Oh my God. Great idea. My problem! I rolled a five on my medicine, Jake. I go over and hold on. Derek, I'll let you out for a second. I got a five. I got a five on your medicine, Jack.

He seems warm. He seems, you know, you don't know much about medicine. So, you know, he seems to have all of his parts on him. He's not bleeding. There's no blood. The last thing I remember is he was playing diamond great. Actually, I needed to roll a D8 to find out what the last thing you remember. What this happened?

All of us? Three. Not you, Mikey. I'm slumped over in the typegoons two machine. I got a four. I'm on the pink gun. You're thinking back in your memories. And you got a four, you said?

Four. The last thing you remember is feeding tiny gold discs into a glass contraption that held small treasured and a metal claw inside snapping shut. shut, but you weren't able to, it becomes blurry. Why would I willingly give up gold pieces? It disappears in that moment. Am I insane? And Porcos, you remember slamming your fists

against a glowing box where tiny painted warriors fought, but the images flickered and froze before everything went dark. Ah, they're achieving! This is what happens as you, as you start to come to your senses, the haze in your mind begins to fade, and you realize that you're in a much larger expansive space. There's the sound of music all around you. Wow.

And as you look around from your immediate vicinity, you realize that you're in like a long hallway, a beautiful structure. There's brilliant lights coming down from sky lights above you. There are hallways and there are what appear to be store openings in every direction in addition to the fountain that you find yourself near. You know, Porko was at first I was terrified. But this is really beautiful. I do not understand any of this. What is it me? I don't think it matters.

We're simple peasants. I might find me this is a car of dear friend. This is paradise. Nothing bad can happen here. It's my final remaining brother. He's dead on the floor. Well, at least we have each other. It looks like you guys got wasted.

A young woman walks up. She's wearing an extremely baggy pants made of a material you're not familiar with. Her sleeves come all the way down, wrapping around both of her thumbs. And she's smoking what appears to be a small tobacco product of some kind of cigarette. You guys okay? You look like you got wasted. Wait, wasted? What is she talking about?

What is these wasted? Are we able to speak to her? I am not waste. You start making gestures and she watches your hands but responds immediately as though you were speaking common. Oh, she can understand us. Oh, she speaks the ogre tongue. Thank the gods. Oh yeah, we don't know where we are, but this place is beautiful.

Do not insinuate that I am wasteful. Whenever I slaughter a very beardly intelligent sheep, I use... Every piece and I thank the great silver god in the sky softened. Every morsela. Whatever. Whatev. My name's Kalamari. What's your name? Me.

M. Yeah, it's me. It's short for something, but, you know, whatever. Uh, m-me. Uh, manestrone? Oh, and you are you one of those people that pronounce milk? Melt, melt. You guys came here from...

I'll kill you! She might take the step back. It looks like you guys came here from the local cheese. I didn't see any cheese. Decide. The local cheese, the building we walked into before we got wasted.

Oh, is that the name of the local inn? The local cheese? I guess. Why do you seem... She seems very unsure about everything. Do you know for a state? Please. Please.

No, but... Help, my brother. Please! You could probably take him to the food court and get him like a pick-me up there. The food court. What? Okay, okay.

The food court, what is? That's just like, there's food there? We can give him sustenance. We must court the food first. Before we eat it? It's like a court that, like, it's just down the hall.

Oh, let's grab him. Come on, we can get him. Come on, just be gentle with him. He's clinging his chest. Oh, no. He's moving. That's a good thing. Come on. We try to pick up Uncle Gobagool.

You're able to lift him reasonably, Porcos, especially. What I want to rather be known is that my left hand is rigor mortis clutching the pink gun on the right side of the time prices. Two machines. No. He was tethered to the machine. Porcos is hooked up. We got to get his hand off this thing. Come on.

I try to like claw his hand off the grip. Whatever magic transported you here, you do have the actual plastic gun. It's no longer tethered. It's been snapped off. Never mind. That's still gripped right in your hand, Brigger Morta style. We just carry them to where the footboard is. You're able to carry them down, and just as you round the bend, you see this massive, open, wide arena of sorts. Clustered with tons and tons of little circular tables with very narrow chairs, all spat it around.

You're realizing that there are more people than just men in this strange space. You walk past a variety of different peoples. People's wearing strange garments, garments that you've never seen before, of all sorts of colors. All of colors that were, even in Okerton, would be outrageously bright in comparison to the dyes and the fabrics that you're used to. And you also notice, actually, I need you both to make a perception check for me as you walk into this space. 17. Not bad. Natural fucking 20. Wow.

I'm trying to use my mouse, though. 20, probably 1 or 22. 23. Nice. You're noticing the same thing that Porcos is noticing. In general, you're seeing that there are all sorts of people, some of them are carrying many bags. There are what appear to be kids and adults. They're all sort of walking around, but they're all walking around in sort of this malaise.

Some of them appear very much like yourself, but others are warped and twisted, almost blobular, gummy. And while some are conversing and having what appear to be relatively pleasant conversations, others are twisted and malformed. And they're almost gooing around in this strange manner. of them seem to be bothered by each other's presence, nor do they seem alerted to yours. Poor, I don't know what those creatures are, but this place might not be as much of a paradise as I thought. What are they? Don't touch them. You do not fit in. You're close.

Give it to split my tracksuit. Well, how are we going to split that chair? The top comes off here. Oh, the jacket'll never fit. The sleeves are like dragging on the ground as I'm like trying to help carry Uncle with Gobagoole, like, do the food? Court. Porcos, you also notice, in addition to all of these customers that are walking through the space, that there are a variety of different shops, a huge number of stalls. And it's at this moment that I need one of you to roll a D8 for me.

One of you. What does a D8 look like? Five. You look at the signs. Each one of these stalls, almost like you might say. find carts in a festival are embedded into the wall of this circular space. You see one sign that says MQ, another that says dog on a stick. You see an orange Caesar, whatever that is, a sinner bun. You see a Taco Hell Express. You see Pretz Hells. You see Miss Fields and unfriendlies

and a sparrow. We must avoid that, please. Are they putting dogs on a stick? Why would they do that? Forkos is distracted. His eyes are alight. He's looking at the same signs that you are. But it's there in the Cinebun stall

that you see your brother's sausage standing next to another human just like yourself, a female. Both of them wearing what appear to be strange linen outfits and a hat that looks like a Cinnabon at the top. No. Is that? Is that Uncle Sausage? Why would you take a piece of pizza and then have another piece of pizza?

No! Upside down on the... Porkos to pork! Can it be? I don't know. Kemet B gavagoo, wake up! Our dear brother! Eh!

I'm gonna run to them. And I'm like, I'll be a little cautious. I'm where we are. I'll bear the weight of Uncle Gaba Gau as I try to then follow Porcos over to where we believe Uncle Sausage to bake. You have just served your last Cinnabon. That's very funny That's very funny You're healthy

You're fine You're fine You come to you come to You come to You come to You come to You and the last thing you remember Sausage was being killed

horribly by a Remmerhastor Actually not Not the last thing you remember But the last thing you remember Of your living life You woke up in This strange space The space

The Dead Mall You came to know it by the 90s hell. And you've been trapped here. You've been told that there's only a few ways to get out of such a space, and you're endeavoring to do one of them, which is work for potentially decades or centuries or even thousands of years. It was very fortunate, however, that you were able to get a job thanks to your friend, Pagoroni.

Peggeroni, the last thing you remember was walking down the street. of Ogerton and looking up and seeing a massive ship suddenly come out. Suddenly emerge in the sky, just pop into existence before landing. There's a huge rush of light and wind before all of a sudden you found yourself here. And you are both getting accustomed to your new life. You've both been here for maybe a little more than four weeks serving cinnibuns, sinner buns to the lame clientele who come up and pass you strange, not strange, but pass you currency, you're paid a living wage and even with all of the money that you've made at an hourly

basis on day in, day out, day in, day out, you're still very much in debt. It seems that in order to pay for your living expenses, you haven't been able to really turn that into any form of savings or anything along those lines. You have only the few things that are in your pockets. I need you both to roll. Derek said, Helm put me right back in my day job. No, I'm not going to evacuate. We always overblown those things.

We're going to get a witchy mask. Roll a 1D8 and add your intelligence score. Oh, that's a 12. Wait. That's your total? You have five silver pieces on your person. Wow. Mr. Moneyberg, God.

I was my pleasure to serve. You have a sinful day. Four. Four total. You have four silver pieces jangling around in your pockets at this time. And it's in this moment that you are waiting for the last person to walk away with their cinderbun that you see another

customer run up. But these people you recognize. You're familiar with. Pegaroni, you're familiar with Gabagool and Sausage's brothers, Kalamari and Porcos. You recognize them too. Sausage, your brothers are standing in front of you, holding the unconscious body of Gabagool. The oldest brothers! Don't worry, I got this one.

Welcome to Sinehal, home of the Sinehal. No, Pagorone. No, these are my eldest brothers. And one of them is maybe dead. I don't know. We got to go. Chuck on him. Get this, be true.

What are we supposed to do then? I don't believe what they see. Almost. I can't believe it since you. And I can't believe it's you. I've never seen you so excited. He's just been so long, Uncle Sausage. I can't believe it.

Oh, of course, nephew. It's Kalamari. Calamari. We established in the last episode after you were already dead that we're not really blood-related, but like, you know, it's like a fatherly, brotherly, uncle-nephew boss. That's right.

It's a full house situation. Did you want one of the cinnamon covered pretzels or I've got this this scophilic shaped box that's filled with a bunch of tiny little pretzels covered in cinnamon? You want one of those? Pecoroni is right to offer this food. She knows as does sausage that the food court is rejuvenating here. Should anyone consume any of the food products here when they're shopping in the mall, should any misfortune come to them, that they would be resurrected and return to their full hit point.

But cinnamon is so expensive. How do you have so much here? It smells so good. And it is only for the ogres to use. What are you talking about is for anyone who's dead? Anyone is dead? Dead? Dead? We are not dead. No, but Uncle Top of Gould might be. Quick, give him some pretzels. Alright, we didn't pay for. There's no pain! There's no pain!

We'll take you that money. You pay up. You pay up. You're not doing this. No, the last time you ate all of the phallic-shank cinnamon pretzels. I had to pay, boy. That's why I'm down to a floor of a lover. I shoved phallic weeners into Gobbleg's mouth. You start shopping phallic wieners into Gabagool's mouth.

That's right. Gabagoole, the last thing you remember is playing time crisis two. It was so exciting. You were already hammered. Enjoying a lovely time at the local cheese. And suddenly you... Look at it's fucking thrusty back into... It was so intense this experience of playing time crisis too that your heart gave out.

And you remember falling back and now you're here in the middle of a food court in the bed mall. This is a big one. I'm like this fucking petamway to be loud. If your brother takes a shit off, I'm going to you're cleaning it up this time because I had to do it last time. It's just not fair. What do you mean that is tough? It just got, oh. No, the last time one of our customers.

I had to clean up to clean up. Okay, it's not the first time I had to clean up half the brother shit in yourself. Uncle Galvagu, are you all right? Is it true? Uncle Gabagoo, it's me, Kalimari. Hey, Galamakami. I mean, I'm here. I'm here for you.

Come close to him. Come close to him. I get really close to him, like he's gonna whisper something. Come closer. I'm here, a good kid. You're a good kid. Thank you, thank you. You're a good kid.

Get up. Get up. You're a good kid. We were already. You were dead. Oh, how is this? I can't remember what I was doing. Elder's brother, Gapagoole. Look who it is! I didn't think I'd ever see you again.

No, you poor girls. There's no way. It is! Elder, I thought, heroically on the eye. Is that, could that possibly be my little kid, baby brother, Sauchess, possessed by a cartoon bear would love picking a bitch bastard? I was gone first alone,

but I worried I'd have enough with a little boo-boo. I said, Corrottero, the Gabo. Hey, boo-boo. Oh, my God. We have to gather again. My kid brother, my day is a lot. You missed so much.

We were out on the ice too, and things didn't look very good. In fact, we saw you. We saw the shambling vision of you. It was awful. Oh. Do you recall your last moments when you are murdered by the traitor, Arcatra? No. I remember fighting the giant thing on the ice, and then heroically, I think I did something.

I looked in front of somebody. Don't worry, because we vowed revenge. We're going to find Alcatra, and we're going to do worse to her than what she did to you. Yes. We're going to steam her like that bug would themed you. I heard she murdered you in cold blood. She did. If I had been there, I never would have let it happen.

Well, guys, I appreciate that quite a bit, but before we seek out on the missions of revenge... No, no, revenge is the most important thing when it comes to family. Blood is thicker than water, you know? That a gravy is even thicker than that. Well, grandma's gravy, for sure. Oh, okay. The gravy is so soft. She was a big. She was a thing.

She was a thing. To the peggaroni, what are you doing here? Yeah, I'm just trying to sell some of these really shitty overpriced pretzel cinnamon things so that I can pay off, I don't know something. Hey, remember that that whole conspiracy series that we thought that was a scrading, that it was aliens under the ice? Yeah! And then a giant spaceship was going to crash into the... A giant spaceship crashed into the... ...crash into the city.

Turns out the whole thing was real. When did that happen? When did that happen? Gosh, I don't know, like a month ago or something. It was not that long ago. It wasn't right around the time I died. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really?

Oh, that is a weird coincidence. Yeah, it was outside. I was doing, you know, just totally legal things outside. Oh, yeah, yeah. When there was a bright flash behind me, I put my clothes back on and then I died. Perhaps an accident. I think I put my clothes back on. You know only two things in this moment.

You know that the reason to. acquire a wage and to work to try and get enough money is because it's one of the few ways out of here. People are told that if you can buy your way to freedom, that you're able to leave this trap of a mall. That there is no other escape. But you also know the other thing, which is the secret. The secret why you would be sent immediately to hell. That will only be yours to keep. Yeah, so I'm trying to got my way out of hell. Wait, if that means that you died and you died, then what about us? Are we dead?

No, we never died of any stronger than us. No, we walked through a portal. I don't know. You see those people, you're dead. I don't know, I think the little one might be odd to something. I think that if you were dead, you would be walking behind one of the skulls like we were, because it's not like you really had a choice. We built this stone archway,

and then, like, a portal open, and we walked through. We found ourselves here. How did we do it? No, why? I don't know. We were just compelled to. We had, no, it was really for me, probably. Wow, look at this plane.

It's very nice. It is nice, except for those horrible monsters. I point to one of the horrifically twisted, jelly-shaped shambling crunches. Yeah, yeah, you point over, and what normally would be wearing a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, is completely blobbed over and just lurching towards one of these bins that says thanks right on the front. Actually, it says t.dot hanks for whatever reason.

It's very strange. You're looking back at Gabagool, though, and you're looking back at sausage and a peggaroni. And you both are flushed. You haven't died yet. You passed through a portal. I need you to take one point of corruption for having already died once. me? Exactly right I'm gonna look

at this thing oh no oh no my wife found me here hell oh no I can't do my oldest brother one level looker up then

Exactly right No God I can't thank you Can she No she's there She could not be here. There's no way.

Well, I mean, if she's dead, it's more than likely than she is here. Oh, no. This is where the dead go. I've all loved them. Well, I mean, I don't know. Some of them at least. Begant to think we hate, like, Gaba Gould's ex-wife. It's Gavagool, right? What's your name? No.

Your left side is... No. You're okay. His name is not. I don't know what he was saying. Oh, he's having an episode. Get him some cold water. He's having an episode.

I'll pour an icy and throw an icy as nice. You do. It's lukewarm and the water is clearly a little missing. It wakes you up. You no longer feel the pain in your arm. You come back to your senses, but you do realize that your sight is a little blurred. Your eyes are a little glazed over.

and you feel clammy, you feel pale, you feel a little stickier than you would normally. I got the 60th prescriptions. I'm getting too old for this shit. Hold on. Oh, that's not kimchi. Oh, it's just a terrible demon's mouth. Thank goodness. Oh, that's just Kathy.

Oh, Kathy, huh? Catherine. She walks over to the Sparrow. I pushed back with the three strands of hair. Over your liver spots. Wait, yeah. Wait, she went to one place I cannot go. The one place I dare not tread.

Ooh, an orange fever. We must get out of here. Now that we have found you, we can go home. Our shift's not over. Yeah, but why? What's stopping you from just coming with us? Terrible hell magic. We go back the same way we came.

We'll take you with us. I don't think that I mean we gotta pay to get out of here. I got our mom in terrible hell of that. Have you tried to escape? Well no, they just said we gotta pay to get out of here. We could put our money together and see if we have enough for at least one way ticket. Well, we can try. We got, how much do you have?

Well, how much do you have? Well, I mean, five silver. I got four silver. Oh, well, we got nine silver then. Do you know how much it costs to get out of here? I think like 10 million gold. Ten million gold? Ten million gold?

I've been working here for 10,000 years and I got closer. You told me you you you had four months. No, time worked differently here, I think. And yeah, I got close to a couple times, but the prices of the Zabra, I tell you. I just kept spending it. You eat at this morrow too? The terrible truth. My home brother.

The terrible truth is that the Zbarro is actually the best food down there. Oh no! No! Oh, this is hell! No, it's worse than you know! What happened to my uncle sausage? The uncle sausage that I would know would have fart tooth and nail to get out of this place. The, uh, the...

Lover, W. Kalamah, I am fighting. That's me, that's my name. I'm doing everything I can. I'm doing everything I can again. Oh, then you have to fight. Fight with us. All right, punch me in the face then. I'm putting me.

We can get it. You get you out of here. We can. I believe it. Right. Right. I'm cool with it. Like if all he's got to do is fight to get out of, you punch me in the face. I kid couldn't do that. I couldn't punch you. We will find it. Wait, no. Gentlemen, but I couldn't possibly. My eldest brother, Gabel would never have an hour. Right. Oh, they gave me an orange slice here with my orange julia theme. It looks like, See me and me? I don't know him.

I would have a little bit. I don't know it. Oh, I'm not going to. Oh, no. What's he doing? He's a monster. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. He's choking. Get it out. Get it out of his mouth. He's choking.

Drop me. Go ahead. He's choking. Give me the heart. Oh. Oh. Oh. I gotta say, it's great to have you guys back.

It's like old times. It's just like old times. You know if you fill his throat with these phallically shaped sausages, it'll be wine enough that he won't be able to choke anymore. Indeed, I was supposed to try anything. Take this sausage. You have to massage your town. You're not...

You got a broke your throat. You got to broke your throat really hard. Really like all of this, but... I'm uncomfortable. I'm extremely uncomfortable. Gator, big spuffy. Oh. Are you...

Are you well? Oh, that orange Julius has got... Orange feet has got a bit of a kick to it. Got a bit of a kick to it. You were sure. shocked when you got to the orange Caesar to realize that you had exactly the amount of copper

pieces that you needed in your hand in order to purchase a shake. So you're presumably still from the little from the local cheese. You paid the two copper. They gave you your orange slices and an icy shake of sorts.

It seems like it should be healthy, but it's actually full of sugar. Uncle Gobagool, I don't want to, you know, I'll overstep my boundaries here with you being my elder and all, but don't you need to worry about your diabetes? Hey, I'm in the peak of my life, kid. The ogre doctor said that you had to watch your sugar intake. Are you saying that I couldn't kick your ass right now?

No! No! Uncle Gabble, I'm not saying I'm worried about his health. Are you saying that because you're done a little of dog, kid? No. Did you think that I'm not in the prime physical... God. In addition of my life?

Gobogoo, please. You already have wounds on your feet that will not heal. Your vision is going. His skin's changing, too. Is your gout flavoring at something for us? I can get used to change. Oh, they look like

pomegranate. Let me get you a cherry slushy. Oh! Sugar. I'm going to make a cherry icing. I'm watching my way. My doctor says the fruit's good for me.

Oh, no. Cut out, don't worry. Uncle Porcos in this phrase, his foot is going to fall off. Well, perhaps in hell there are no consequences for our actions. When we're already dead, like, what's the worst that could happen? Not so far. Sothilis said that only heretics went to hell. So what did we do wrong?

Well, I guess we just walked in here. What did you guys do wrong? Yes, what did you do wrong? I died heroically on the ice fighting a giant creature for my brothers Wait a minute They told me that you were murdered in cold blood

No no he was He was murdered by a monster The flame man of the sassite By the head The Haldic We're getting our stories mixed up What actually happened Antisophilus

Alcantra Yeah Hezzi not a good kid Not a good kid By trying to save the Antichrist You change the space time continue on the fate of our planet. This is that the planet Terminator?

I don't remember that one. I think that there's going to be a war with the machines. I think literally actually the campaign is going to be a war of the machines. Actually, that wasn't even attention. I think the machines are coming. And I think that we had to make sure that Daisy died in that timeline. And we failed. She lives.

We failed. And she killed you! Was she the one with the bow and arrow? Yes! The boonero? Yeah, with the bow and her. Wasn't she, didn't she, she didn't help us out of the... My mind's all fuzzy for like I've only counted 10,000 years ago.

She had forsaken her God's given birth name of Alcat. Yeah, we woke up and we were somehow alive and she was missing. Yes. I don't know how that happened and you were torn apart. You were like, oh my gosh, it was like, it wasn't a body, it was remade. It was like, it was like, it was like, uh, uh, uh, Uly Pinta. Like strands of Spigieg, then, something like, yeah, it was like, thousands of arrow holes.

It's like known as ragu. Something's got a remain to be remains. That's exactly right. I've heard the story so many times since it happened. I was so curious because I wasn't there. And in Uncle Porcos' own words, he said, you died like a bitch. It was. Borgoes.

Like my favorite dog from home. The porcos! What do you mean? I died erroneously, I think. I've died heroically, I think. Nice. Well, now I don't know. If you want to call it heroically,

you die trying to protect your killer. It is actually the most embarrassing way to go out I can imagine. Did I not die trying to save Gabagoo? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Oh, damn it was a long time ago. Hey, do you notice that I need what saving? Do you think I couldn't kick this guy there?

I'm gonna kick, I could beat, I could beat the little shit out of you. You may be my baby kid brush and you have portrait. You may be fresh out of the grave. If you were out of a portrait. You may be fresh out of the womb, but I... I'm a masterpiece. I'm, I'm peak. No.

You peek. All I know is that I'm tired of this. I feel like we should go to this oddly. intelligent polar bear track. Better on few races. I don't think they have those here. What? I mean, that was an Okerton thing.

What? We're clearly somewhere else now. This place is a shit home. I hate this place. Where are we gonna go? Where else is... Well, you guys have been here, besides the food court, right else this is here?

There's a claw machine over there. No, I wasted a whole bunch of gold pieces on that thing, and I don't even know why. I don't want to go back to that. Is that, I can't hate that place. Is it Joss A bank or is it J-O-S-A bank? Why would you name something like that? No?

They have a bank here? They sell clothes in there. At a bank? Not even got the one. That's exactly what I'm saying. Piece of shit. It is an archaic abbreviation for the name Joseph. Who is that?

No, it's not. Oh. What are you though? Well, what is it? I don't fucking know. Oh, clearly on a bank. It's always. Every time I look at it, I'm like, is it Joe.

Is it Joss? Is it J-O-S? He's the key, O J-O-S. Who the hell's buying a suit and a bank? Oh, J-S-A-Beng. You know what, now you've added another one to my list.

What's a Josa? The two of you have spent most of your time, the strange warped time, and this small stall selling and making the sinner bunnies. However, you have ventured out, which is partly the reason why you haven't been able to accumulate any money,

aside from buying your own food in order to live from day to day. You occasionally go out and you are amazed by the number of consumer goods, products, services. There are all available through not just this first floor, but the second floor of this massive structure. You've never been outside of it. But there is indeed a map, a directory of sorts

that you could go to and find whatever it is that you might imagine. Clothes, accessories, fashion, strange magical goods, all kinds of wares. The people who come in here stay in here until their form shifts and changes into these gooey creatures until they're finally released into wherever it is beyond the walls that you find yourselves in. Yeah, so we could go look at the directory.

But I do just want you to know this place is quite addictive. And, you know, and I point to one of the shambling, the mall walkers. All walkers? Yes. Is this what they are called? Well, yeah. They started one day, they just showed up, and they just started walking, and they've never stopped.

And they were people like us ones? One day. Should we put them out of their misery? No, I don't think we should touch them. No, I don't think you should go any when you're in them. No. But we are getting ready to close up the sinner hell. We just had, before you showed up, we had our last customers, so we just have to do four, five hours of deep cleaning.

this place and then we are ready to go walk through the mall with you so we could go to the directory we could take them to the hot topic oh yeah the oldest topic in fact hey didn't you work at the Ava Cromby there once yeah they started me as the male model yeah so exactly right wow we will wait for before like james thing like i only said like a modern-day jane thing that's amazing Modern day Jimmy Dean sausage. Modern day Jimmy Dean sausage, like I always said. Look, I always told my ass.

May she rest in peace when we witnessed, Hey, remember that time we witnessed our parents being ritually eaten by August? You hear a voice from behind you. Why does this keep happening? We just got to say it on top of it. Dumb. You hear a voice and you turn to see a,

a blonde woman with heavily permed hair. God, it's Karen. She's got long pink fingernails, a halter top, a pink fur jacket, big hoop earrings. Are you guys just closing? Can I get a Cinebond? Sorry, we're closed. Wait, how much

how much you got on you? I got cash, you believe. You want just one Cinebond and you want everything that's left in the counter? Just one. Just one little Cinebushabon? I think we might be closed, but if you wanted everything that was in the counter, we could be open. I'll give you a big tip.

Is it a Cinnibor. Okay. She passes over a full silver piece, twice as much as normally would get for a Cinder Bun, and you pass over one of the old, stale end-of-the-day Cinder Buns. What she takes on... There's a slight, like, nibble out of the corner because I ate part of it.

You turn it away from her. Make a slight of hand-check. 15. 15 is enough. She doesn't notice the bites that you've taken out of the Cinder Bun, but she holds up an orange tray. You set the plate down, and she walks over... to a machine that you know can produce a variety of drinks

with an empty cup and she disappears. Well, if we have to work our way out of this hellish eternity, that means we need to save our money or earning our money. No, not us. We did not die. That's right, we didn't die. No, they do. You died a couple of times. No, he's just his hell.

What's gotten into all of you, especially you, Uncle Gobble Gould? You talk about kicking everybody's ass. We can get out of this place. That's right. We can get out of this place. I think that we need to undergo a exciting montage to discover all of the secrets of this place, to learn as a various stores, to learn what is available to us, and also develop our own roles on a theme while we plan a great jail break.

Well, they had four to five hours of cleanup. So perhaps we go on a four to five hour montage. I think I saw a Warner Brothers studio store. Tell me, way! I fucking love Bugbaugh. Let's go! Over the course of this montage, are there any visible signs of corruption on Uncle Gavicle?

Only that he doesn't have the same color that you're used to. He looks paler. Okay. He looks like... A little sicklier. Yeah, he looks... He's getting an old uncle festery. Okay, all right.

We're going to a montage. Fortunately, the Warner Bros. Store is just around the corner, and so you're able to go in without really running into anything else that you might otherwise while you spend the four to five hours. However, you realize very quickly that the three of you can only observe the products therein. You look at all of the shiny objects. You admire the massive bug bunny. Bugs Bunny statue. You see the shirts and the pants. You see all the different souvenirs, row after row after row, shelf after shelf of them.

But you must, and four hours have passed, walk out dejectedly, for you cannot purchase a single item. We don't have any money? You don't have any money on you. Oh, man. Mommy. No. You see, I swear before you, before Salfield, before Salfaels, before the gods.

the gods and all of the hells, I am going to get that Taz shirt that's a little bit too big that's just plain white with Taz and it says, I'm a devil on it. I swear, I will have that shirt. Making your way back, you do notice that you guys in your excitement to rush towards the Warner Brothers store, that there's a panel jutting out directly from the center of this hallway. It is, reminds you of the portal that you saw on the car, in that there's a window almost into another world. Underneath, you see two wide press-in buttons. One of them says ads, and the other says directory.

And in the window, you can see a person, thank you for shopping, I appreciate it. Make sure that you check out all the stores in the beautiful dead mall. And you continue to start making your way towards the food court unless you choose to stop and observe the advertisement longer. Has it been four to five hours? It has been. We should go collect our brother. We'll be stronger in numbers.

Gosh. I'm worried about what we're going to find here. Everything seems wrong and off. We should have spent the last four to five hours looking for Mordadela. She just died. She should be here really. No, Uncle Porcos, I hate to disappoint you, but Mortadella was a pure soul. She never did anything wrong.

She'd been straight to over have anything? She had to have. I don't believe anything else otherwise. Oh, she was a saint, may she rest in peace. Heading to the food court, enjoy a tall glass of milk at MQ or a delicious chili dog. Dogginess? Go away. Yeah.

You could also enjoy. some of the fine cookies at Miss Fields. What did I just say? We already saw these stories. It's my job to promote all the delicious goods at the food court. And have you checked out the second floor? There are all kinds of amazing amenities.

Are you dead? Good food. One of the signs says, dog on a stick, you sick fuck? I'm quite alive. Dog on a stick is my favorite store. You should give it a try. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. You eat that Sabarro, don't you? You get that weird folded pizza thing, don't you? I would never eat at Sparrow.

If that's what you would say, I would eat wherever you would want to go. Okay, I like this guy. I like this guy. I'll like that. I was getting ready to find a random brick and throw it at his head. Let's go find... We have to find... Yeah, let's get our group together.

My kid brother. Looking for electronics? Check out the shack. Does he look alive? He looks alive enough. He's animating as though he's right there, but he's clearly like in a flat window almost. Sorcerery. Some sort of evil, dark sorcery. You look like you might need some new wares. Have you considered heading to J.C. Copper? No, no. No, this jacket fits me just fine, thank you. It was a gift from my uncle.

You could find some pants to go with that toga. I don't like this guy. It's... that give me bad feelings. Do you think he is one of these slime things in disguise? It's some sort of dark magic. This is beyond my comprehension. I think that we can go back. And before we finally break to smash this guy's fucking skull. Please don't do that.

I'm quite alive. We're in the dead mall. This is 90s hell. Have you checked out build an owl bear on the second floor? It's quite amusing. Oh, no. I could be convinced. You know, my little, my little,

little goddaughter always wanted to build an owl bear, but we can never reform it. And also because there was no build an owlbear and other thing. I've never heard of a building owl bear so alluring or ever before. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Aventress and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon. exclusive campaign set on the high seas, Shroud over Saltmarsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition.

And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. You make your way back to the food court, bypassing the map directory. and the advertisement panel. And the strange music continues to be... Sky Rizzi! Asper Doctor to docton. That's very funny.

Through the space. The opening, like, records and riff almost sound like semi-sonic. Like, closing down. It sounded like a CW sitcom in the 90s. It's like all those, you know, like one trio. Hey guys, guys, are you done closing up yet? Everybody. Hey, hey, my kid, brother, it's awesome.

Did you make your 10 million gold? No, I didn't make 10 million gold. We were shutting down. We made, I think, one more silver. I was just hoping, maybe. I'm at five silver now. Okay. Pepperoni.

Pagaroni. I was really rooting for you guys. I was hoping maybe you got lucky. Well, we were trying. Yeah, he did, but then we had to close down and actually lost money. Did you spend your money? Well, how did you lose money?

Yes, did you lose it? I could pay for the condoms. The what? The what? He asked, we got lucky. I said, yeah, I did, but I lost money because of it. You know, I never used it myself. Is that why you're so green?

No, I mean, it's just a good way to save money. It's like, it's like showering with your wellies on. Like what the sound of a raincoat on. What is he talking about, Uncle Porcos? I will tell you when you are old. When the time comes. No, no, no. That's what big sheepskin wants you to think.

We should move off. Immediately, please. Oh, I, ah. Did you guys check out the I've seen on the theater stage? The what? The what? The store? Oh, no, no, we didn't make it there. We spent a lot.

I, I, did you know how many novelty T-shirts there was at the Warner Bros. It took me full four hours just to find the one that I really, really wanted. Oh, what was it? The one that says, I'm a dove? Oh, yeah. You know, you get it because we're in hell. It's basically completely white. It's stained infantly.

Oh, he's stuck you. You know what? I didn't understand. That store had all those different characters on those t-shirts, but then they also had those same characters wearing strange clothes, kind of like us, with the baggy pants and a backward hat. Oh, yeah, yeah. Very weird. I didn't understand it.

Yeah, I won't tell you, that one rabbit, you know, the braw? With the basketball? Oh, yes. She reminded me of a character from the action arcade game that I was playing before we blacked out. What? The Kung Fu Master. She had hips like Lula Bunny.

Oh, that was a three-fighter, probably a two reference. Yes. That was a good one. Yes, three-played two exactly right. I'm more of, I know, I'm more... I know you're referencing, I mean, so... I'm more of a blanca guy myself. You know, that's fine.

That's fine. There's no accounting for taste here. There's no accounting for tanks. Well, we should probably go on with his adventure. Is everyone alive suddenly? Let this move on. Oh, you are in the food court and things are still very strange all around you. You can see now that you've gotten acclimated, there are all the stalls for the various food items that I mentioned.

There is beyond the threshold of this food court arena, there is the fountain that you woke up near just around the corner. There are these large, tall panels that you can see an animated person talking to various customers as they walk by. You can also see that just to the other side on the opposite, down the opposite hallway, there's animated stairs that just go up and continue to go up in an eternal fashion. All of these things are still strange, new, and alien view. to the both of you, Peggeroni and sausage. You've been here for a month, 10,000 years, a century.

For however long, you've been working this Cinerbun. You still feel brand new to you because of how alien it is in comparison to your former life in Ogerton. How are the stairs moving by themselves? What kind of magic is that? Hell magic, I think. Is everything hell magic? around here?

You want to see some hell magic? No, I'm terrified. Oh, okay. That's day one, he was just a little kid. I would like to see. He looks like he's like 40.

What? No, whoa. Hey. He's 42. I don't look at anything like him. I'm 44. 44 now? Hey.

How's improved my complex? He's been too young. Yeah, the ninth lady gave you a compliment. You look like, you know, like you're a man. Like you're coming of age. young man, Goddome.

I'm pretty sure that Uncle, uh, uh, Gabuul kept saying that you were 42. That's all the 42, 42, 42, 42. It's so hard to remember. He did the kid. I've been in hell for 10,000 years. Whoa! So you're actually 10,0442? Yeah, that works down here.

It's kind of like the days. Does that make you the older brother now? No. No. No, Gabuul still, in 10,000 years, I haven't picked up any additional wisdom. additional wisdom. No, no, no. You never really didn't have the brain.

I was always the brain of the affirmation between your three brothers. That's why you needed your brothers. He was waiting for us the whole time. I couldn't figure out of it. I just trusted in the fact that you'd end up in hell. You just showed up and show up.

I showed up here. We've done most of the same stuff together. Oh, that's a fair point. So, you know, here I said. Selling six. cinnamon buns, barly counter. I don't want to alarm anyone,

but it really feels like the longer we stay here, the more likely we are going to turn into one of those, and I point to the horrific monster over there. I don't want to turn into that. We have to get out of here. It's going to take a long time for you to turn into that. Hold on. Bring, bring.

Hello? It's a collect call from prison. Yes? Oh, prison. Yeah. Yeah. Okay? All right.

And I just put the phone. I don't hang it up. I just put it down and let the sounds go. He didn't talk, did he? He didn't fucking squeam? No, he's squealing. Yes. Yeah, he's squealing.

This thing that we have, no fucking... I did 20 years in the can. 20 years in the can, not a peep. And we have these young kids going in, and they squeal like fucking pig the second they go in. You know, I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich? Who wouldn't?

Just like my... I wanted ragu. I wanted braggone. And I ate filthy grilled cheese off of a ratty hair. What is he talking about? He's completely lost in the can. 20 years in the can. When they kept you in the heartily intelligent pig pen?

Exactly right. 20 years in there. Also, it's the exact amount of time that Gabi Gaw was married to kimchi. 20 years. I can't believe this. Uncle Gapagul, how old are you? I'm 64 years old. You know this?

I forgot. I'm one years away from ritually being eaten by the ogres. You don't look at day over 29. That's why I asked, Uncle Gaba Gapagul. I'm glad you said that I was going to have to kick your ass with a point. Every day Gaba Gapagoole would wake up, one of the ogres would be like, we hit you in less than one year.

now who's laughing now who's in a giant fucking crazier and now who's in 90 tail oh they have a TV that sees their 2,500 gold pieces well I can't afford that oh five gold pieces a week for 500 we

I can afford that how does anyone say in data this whole time how is the ones the same okay let's go you can take the synabom Hats off now. Can they? Yeah, can we?

I don't, I've never taken mine all. Oh, clock it out. Well, when you guys clock out, where do you normally go? Do you have, do you live here? Do you just sit around the food? Goodwill hunting, but it's at the theater upstairs. Oh, baby theater here. That's amazing.

Oh, it's great place. Oh, yeah, and their popcorn's fantastic. You can get this butterflavored pig laud that you just put all over it, and that's pretty nice. We must go right the way. You can also get a pickle if you're feeling like one. One pickle? Yeah, it's one pickle for one dollar.

The ogres used to have a theater, but they never let us in. No. I always wish to go. Yeah. You see the great classics, the dramas. Yeah. The comedies, the tragedies. Yeah, they just show that Good Will movie.

A bunch of people who demonstrated Goodwill get hunted. Hunted together. Yeah. That was a good one. actually. You've just had a version of that too actually. The problem is this is hell. So halfway through the movie

the tape breaks and it just starts back over, so we don't know how it ends. Pickles are good though. When you put it like that, you know, they don't make... You know, who are the actors in this new play they got in the cinema? Are you talking about Goodwill hunting?

Well, hunting goodwill. Well, Matt Deacon. Yeah, Matt Demons in it. Matt Demon, okay. Yeah. From Halloween, the famous demonic actor. Yeah. Matt Demon.

Oh, so not the humans we know in life. They're demons. No, yeah. It's a demon movie theater. Who else? You know, that other guy? I don't know. Oh, Phil Fip, Thinmore.

Or Hartman. He was great. He was great. But you know who's even better, Gary Cooper, the strong silent type? They don't make actors like that no more. They don't make actors like Gary Cooper no more. Whatever happened to that. Okay, we should probably...

We should move on. Well, yes, we have to decide. Are we going to go see a film? Are we going to... We should break up right away. Well, we can't. We don't have enough money to get out. I'm the only one who can see.

concerned about this. No, we should go right now. Come join us. We're in company though. He said they built a door and it comes in and out of that. We did. We did. Well, where is it? Okay. The problem is it's back through the local cheese and we can't go back that way. I tried. You think and you realize you woke up next to that fountain. You have no idea where the local cheese is. During the montage, I looked for it and I couldn't find it. Wait a minute. Have we ever heard about the local cheese? It doesn't ring a bell to you. Holy shit. It's right over there.

No, that's the bath and body works. Oh, I thought that was the same thing. Carry on. Oh, the bath and body works? Oh, my God. They're turning their bodies into bathtub. Oh! Oh!

I mean, it's so grotesque, but I can't look away. You're watching as they're twisting limbs into the cloth of the position? Oh! They're taking the mouth and stretching it out into the full bath to make the actual tub shape. A lot of screaming, a lot of violence. I got to say, you know, as far as things go around there, we didn't have it too bad. No, I mean, anywhere. Could have been turning into the tubs, you know, I'm married.

That was close for me. Oh. Yeah, the only thing worse than this was going with Jeepers and all. the rice were broken. And the ice cream machine was out of water. This always had a water. That's just regular. It's regular hell.

I will wait for you at the Hellmark store. I go look at the Hellmark. Why did I think of that? Jesus. You're running out. I did now. Well, Derek, great store.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh my God. Is that a tree and sprouted onto it? is a limited edition Princess Diana Bee Baby. And now every time I reach for the branch fruit, draws. Oh, do you have a hell in hell?

Hell, yeah. Oh, no. This is truly in hell. This is truly in hell. Do you guys want to go get your pierced at Clares and then get some glamour shots? No. Glammer shots, I thought,

the old glamour shot is one. Never mind, you're too young. Fuck your names. Okay. Whatever he say, Uncle Galgoo. A bunch of comical foggorns and other sound effects, censor out. You need to blend in, though.

Do you want to split my track suit? You already split half of it with me. I can continue splitting. What, you're going to give it one pant leg? I've ripped one pant leg off my track pants. Put it on! Hurry! There's no time.

We're wearing thematic alcohol, buddy. Yeah, but they're... know your employees. We need to sneak out or break out. Oh, well, give me that. We could always just go to one of these shops and just purchase a new outfit. I mean, I've been meaning to go to the hot topic and pick up another band team. I've never been into the Joseph A. No, we are not fucking going to the Joss A bank. Why would we go to this Joss A?

Fuck Joss. What's wrong with Jaws? Because he is a bank where he's, you know, we're not going to get me. And this dialogue is stupid. I'm not taking you some Joss A bank. cringe. Well, now that you look like yellow cool, Jay, I guess we go. We're trying to break into the mall. There has to be a way out of here. You guys are working for 10,000 years.

We go to the directory and see if we can notice any, like, hidden entrances. Okay, you walk five feet in one direction. It's here! Oh, I think I'm playing side as always. We didn't get very far. Interested in the theater at home? No, no! Check out Real Render, where you can... Shut up! Shut up! No!

How may I help you, sir? You're just trying to do his job? This is just my job! I want to know where we are and how we get out of here. All I can do is advertise the shops in the store. You'd have to look at a map like the directory. But I'm warning you not to press that button. It'll kill me instantly.

I press the button. I slammed the button on the directory. It changes... It changes instantly to a... an image of, one moment. What have you done? It suddenly shifts and you can see this square, like what it looks like appears to be a perfect map.

You can see all the different shot that are labeled with different numbers. And underneath, column after column, of all the different numbers organized by type. Clothing, accessories, electronics, things you've never even heard of are all described here. described here. And it says at the very bottom, you are here

though that arrow does not point to anything in particular. You do, however, spy that there are at the end of each wings what appear to be exits. Exits? Yeah, it says exit. Okay, so we don't know where we are, but we can see

that there are potentially exits. What do you mean? What have I done? What have you mean? You've killed them. There's an exit right next to the demon Marcus. We could just go over Yeah. Demon Marcus. Damn it.

Demon Marcus. That's very good. Oh, we're in hell or what? Demon Marcus. Oh, man. God, I, well, I really, I do owe Kim Chi 20 years of anniversary presents. We can make up for it, maybe we can go on really. He was the only other man we've met here that was alive.

What? His whole time. I mean, maybe you were in hell. Do you trust what everybody says? says? Yeah, I trusted him. He said he was alive. He was also annoying.

We will not forget you. And you will never forget your first. What? It'll stick with you. Hey, we're in hell. Nothing counts, right? There's no rules here. No, no. We don't stay with me.

Really? You've killed the man. I don't feel any different. It's just a button. I think Kalamari's a psychopath. We should look for the exit. Let us go. I told you, it's right next to the demon market.

Right next to the demon mock. And you know where that is? I mean, we've just got to continue down the path. Okay. All right. We're getting somewhere. Wait, are we saying we can kill you without feeling any guilt? I thought there were no rules in hell.

Why else would Sophan would want us to go to heaven? We'd have to be good and follow the rules all the time. Hell's the opposite of that, right? There's no rules here. Well, I mean, there's a whole bunch of rules. But just not have one for every matter. But what if... Because of this, you are trapped here now?

Well, I guess we'll figure out and we'll cross that bridge when we get there, but we're trying to break out anyway. Well... Oh, suffrage, look. They have a sports abuse of authority. I said we should go, but you really never had the making the vivars any apples. No, uh, you know, it always hurts when you say that. You know, I've always said you never had the making... You know, if I...

I always said that about you, you know that? I also said that, oh, my poor baby brother, he's a kid who's 42 years old. He never meant to die the way that he did. On account of that, I'll catch him. I've always looked up to you. Exactly right. And it hurts when you said

I never had the makings of a varsity athlete. I mean, you know. Because I could have done it. I just... If I hadn't died to my assassin after helping her... I could have been to the Vaseniazzi. I think you were a little old for Vaseniazzi despite being my kid brother.

I thought I was pretty good at this you thought. Well, after all this, you know Quasimodo predicted. Oh, here he goes again, poor ghost. I thought we were over this. Me too. What did he predict? Quasimoto predicted this all of the hell. He told you we were going to go to hell. The hell, the death.

The time. devices too, the sports, abusive authorities, the demon market. Quasimodo predicted all of this. We really shouldn't live in the back line. Why didn't you tell us about it? You know, when he said, hey, guys, there's not actually anoga heaven. It's actually a bunch of space alien octopus-faced people. No. From beyond the stars that have a giant spaceship. And it's going to fly into the sky after

a bunch of strangers come up and then a dragon's going to attack it. It's going to crash and kill everybody. I'm like, look, get about it. What are you talking? That's blasphemous. You shouldn't even be saying this. Most of that is untrue. Yeah. That's what I'm told him. That's why how can we believe Glasimono.

But he predicted the orange thither. He knew of the Sabaro. He knew of the Sabaro. It's pronounced Esbaro. He knew of the W.B. Store and the plastic approximation of Jim Carrey with a ghoulish orange wing. He knew this. And yet we doubted Quasimodo.

Did he know that my favorite Batman action figure would be there? It's the George Clooney one. Look, even he has the nipples. Little nipples. He's been said especially the nipple. I think back to what Quasimodo said about what we would do in this situation. Make an intelligence check. Not good. Intelligence?

Mm-hmm. 12. You look over at the... directory and there appears to be exits that are clearly marked on the map. You are... Oh, right by the steamer market. You think about the alternative that your brother enjoyed of working here for years, decades, thousands of years perhaps, in order to earn a wage.

And that sounds so horrific to you. The only other alternative would be to potentially rob and steal, finding, finding opportunities to make a little coin and trying to resist all of the wonderful consumer products available in 90s hell. All right, SPAR Peggy and Meatballs, please do leave the way. To the demon Marcus. You call me what? Spa Peggy and Meatballs. Spar Peggy?

Yes. Is this not your name? No, I'm Peggeroni. What? I've known you your whole life. I've been calling you Spa Peggy and Meatballs this whole time. yeah surely you are

charging me she pulls my leg fucking hate Jose Bank let us go to the exit and then we can kill everyone

inside Jose Bank yeah all right no we've been wait a minute what do you mean wait a minute we were finally

about to mobilize and you sure you want to say that wait you come out what do you mean wait a minute They have A Disney store

No hell pun That's it Just the Disney store That's a long name for a store It takes three Four lines on the actual directory Everything else is just one But you don't get a sense of all of the different stores

On the directory You see that there are various There is a place called Real Render There's a place called Shack J.C. Copper There's a place on the second floor next to the theater called War Zone. There's a store called the Middle Class.

There's a store called Unnatural Wonders. There's a clothing store called The Abyss. Feet Locker, Spencer's Gifts, Just Spencer's Gifts. Stonebrook, bitey toys, build an owl bear, the body shop, health supplements, Vivian Secret, Hellmark, and Demon Marcus. You know what I was thinking? We don't have to be in a rush to get out of here or anything.

You guys want to hit up that gigantic ice skating rink in the very center of the mall and like, just do that for a while. Wait, is that where literally Satan is entombed? With his great wings trying to beat against it, but actually in all of his struggle, it keeps making cold and free of them. And underneath, in a great symbolism

of how powerless the devil is in the faith of God. And underneath in a huge crowded circle as they slowly make their way are tons of children pushing along a little upside-down bucket so that they don't fall over. It's pretty horrific. Wow, it's literally saying down there. So we could go... We should proceed.

We should proceed. You know, glamish shots is on the way to the demon Marcus. As you say that, you're realizing that you're right next to a photo booth. It says it right there on the side, and there's a small doorway entrance with a small curtain that's hanging about halfway down. So I said, you promise. You promised that we could do the photo booth the next time we were over this way. It says next to it that it would cost to you. Four copper pieces for four photos.

Come on, I'll pay for it. Have we seen anyone, in the entire of the time, the hours that we've been dicking around, have we seen anyone walk into this photo booth? Make a perception check. That's not gonna be good. Come on. Dirty 20. You promised.

Yeah, you've seen people go. Have I noticed anyone come out? They do come out. They do come out. Yeah, but they thought that in the periphery. I say nothing. I just look at the photo booth nervously. Come on, come on.

promised. I put in the four copies in. Oh, okay. You too have a good time. We're going to go into the photo. Yeah, have a good time. You walk past the global... Oh no, it's a suicide. Oh, no. It's a killbox. You walk inside and there's a screen in front, and you can choose what appear to be various backgrounds. There's, by clicking one, it changes your background to be like a beautiful, fantasy-style castle.

And picking another one, there's a waterfall that continues to flow with a bunch of rainbow sparkles at the top and the bottom. There's also what is very evidently, a hole that says, look here. We gotta do the look here one. I like the beach one. There's unsettling there's so many people

that drowning in the background. But I just always have liked the ocean because I've never been. You want to do like one each? Oh yeah, I move away here. How much this cost? For copper? Yeah. Let's do one each. All right. Well, you want to start with the beach one and the dead body's ground in the background?

Yeah, I mean, you know, you get wrong. What's better than the disembowl unicorn? Yeah, that's a dissent boughs unicorns. Yeah, except for whoever disembowed that unicorn. You see, suddenly you experienced a flash and the first picture has been taken. Oh! Oh, great. Oh, it's happening! in there's no additional ready for the second one let you do the beach again

okay now that's the look here one let's point at it okay um oh what is this found unicorn classic prom photo hold me so we'll do our camera photo you photos the three of you are waiting outside what you do for the minute to two minutes you just listen quietly to this music watch. No. I look at my uncle's and I say, guys, yes. I'm worried they don't want to leave hell.

I think they've been brainwashed. I mean, they were very reasonably priced fear. Just the one? It's just the one. Just the one? It's very nice. No plural here. Great price.

And you know, Galaamon, now that you've developed a taste, for killing. I don't know if I have. You guys have saying that. And you might be 20 years in the can. I think it's time of the right of path that I teach you how to make radiator grill chase. How long does it take?

A lot longer than you think. There's a clattering sound as six copper pieces. From the silver piece that was put in by by Pegaroni, there's a clattering sound as six copper pieces all into a little receptacle.

The change from the four copper point pieces remaining. And then next to it, a strip of paper falls down with clearly four photos on it. Whoa! What is this? Picking it up, you look closely and you see the first photo, they're looking sort of at each other completely unposed, unfamiliar with the device seemingly. Looking at the second one, I believe that you guys did the piece symbol.

But this one, you do a double take. And this one, their hair is gray. Their wrinkles, crows feed on their eyes. They look very different. Looking at the next photo, they're doing the prom hold. We're pointing. No, we're pointing. The point here.

And they've grown much, much older. By the time you get to the last photo where they're back to back in the prom holding each other. The prom photo, my apologies, in the holy, they're now elderly. Guys! No! What is this? This is just some sort of hell magic. The curtain squeaks back and you both emerged. You are both now 80 years older. You're at the edge of death. No! No! God!

Oh, 101222! Oh, God! No! No! Anyone got a! Anyone got a! My kid brother! You should have seen me? What have you done? No.

No. Let's just taking photos. Oh, do we put another dead misery? No, no. Oh no, Galamad. No, no. Come on, I put in half in 10,000 it is. Galamad.

Here, so write the passage. I can't. Galamad can't. It's the right of passage. What time is it? I'll reach into my Flavvertown. What time is it? And I'll pull out the light gun from, uh,

From Rutgers 2. The pink one. The pink one. Okay, you must do this. You must do this thing. You must do this thing. What? What?

What? Just don't miss. No! I can't. I can't. Beal it, kid. Bid a man, Bada in a man,

What's going? I pulled it. I pulled it. I pulled it. I pulled it. I pulled it. I'm going to get it. There's a blow.

To your shock. horror. There is a blast of light emerges out from the end of this pistol and all of a sudden blood red got spray out in all directions. Covering the mall floor, the marble floor of this dead mall.

He dies instantly. Uncle's... The job, you know what you have to do. What do you mean? He's dead. One left. The job has I think you just need some sloppy, uh, whatever that mouth-to-mouth shit is.

I'm just gonna climb on top of him. As you reach down, you open your mouth to start to give mouth to mouth, and your teeth fall, yeah, both of your teeth fall out into the concavity of his open skull, which is completely... My brains have been scattered in a paintbrush form out of the back. My, my teeth are in my bed, my bed is all day. Your hesitation is just cruel at this point. What hesitation?

I already thought you. You taught you how to make the Rani and a real chain. This is all you... What? This is the next step. This is the next step, Gondamon. What do you want me to do? Gondlammon.

This is a new one. Gailamon. The ogre's head right. You know what your lip back to be fine. I turn my head away as I raise the light going on to turn the direction of Pagoroni's Gumbah teethless whining. And with one hand between my hand, I pull a light gun trigger and I try to just obliterate a peggaroni off the face of the small. Even with your eyes covered, you see a thin silver lining of a flash as the illumination.

And once again, mits out of the end of this killing peggaroni. No! Scattering brains across the moment. Why did it have to be me? Why didn't it have to be me? You had to learn like we did. Oh, by the way, step on that, uh, that filver. Peg on the reload.

Okay. Okay. When you do, you can do for this. I didn't ask for this. As you're clearing the tears away from your face, all of you, the three of you who remain alive hear the sound echoing through the mall hallway. You turn and you see a uniformed creature, a creature wearing a badge.

what is clearly a very, very tight, almost like a police out form, outfit, a uniform. And it raises for him, but he has massive hooved feet, his giant furred legs that stretch up into a torso that is obviously ripped and muscle, huge clawed hands and massive horns that come out of the top of this huge fiend, this devil that is standing 11, 12 feet up into the air. almost as tall as the storefronts themselves, and towering over you,

you see the badge on the front of this mall cop. Sergeant Pittman. Blart. Close. Close. So close. So close. It's really close. It is not a crime to make a mess.

Okay, thanks. Bye. But. You will clean your top. No, we're not. Hey, he'll get a little bit of this guy. He's got a real copse. He's the lowest. He's the red guy.

He's the way. Hey, why don't you get out of here, goofus? He gets him. Go back to your unsatisfied wife. He reaches down and he grabs you. He grabs you by the bowling shirt. And he picks you up. He loves the way.

He won't do it. He won't do it. Look, look. Look. I'm not. I'm gonna roll the hit, he just goes, You will follow the rolls. He throws a gungle-by

all the way, 20, 30, 40 feet until it splashes into the fountain, filling it with bloody water, clouding it. I'm stunned at what I've just witnessed. The absolute carnage that has happened all around me. I look at this devil, I'll give him once over. Does he appear to be carrying any weapons? weapons? He does not appear to be hearing anyone.

Shaking, I look down to my pendant and I say in the land of the unarmed the one gun man is king! And I pull the trigger and I attempt to blow the ball. Okay, roll the hit. Roll the hit. What's my plus, just whatever I've got?

That's a good question. We have to decide what the fuck this is. Oh my God. It's a hell gun. He's got a space hell gun! Holy shit. No, there's a, there's a item for it. Oh. This is the greatest set of him going to play.

Thank you. Thank you. I never. Oh. Oh. Oh. I really never saw our photo booth adventures going sound. I didn't think...

3d6 radiance. 3d8 radiance. I think of laser rifle. If there's a laser pistol, there's a laser pistol. 3d6. 3d6. What's my plus to hit is whatever I've got here? Yes. It's plus 6. That's cool. That's perfect. Okay, don't fail me now.

Holy shit. Come on. Oh, okay, 19 to hit. 19 to hit. Just hits. Oh, boy. Oh, wow. 3D6 plus a half. anything, I've got plus four here. It would be plus four.

If that's reasonable. Yeah. Not bad. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 total damage. From this, from this time, time split or time crisis. There's no way he doesn't have, he doesn't have more than 30 implants. He's a ball cop. He's a giant devil man.

He's not going to do nothing. It does damage his uniform. It does damage his uniform. but it doesn't seem to even leave a mark as you hit his bicep and like this. I pulled the trigger as I scream. Spark fly. Eat like scumbag. And then he, phew!

I go, uh-oh. He reaches down immediately, very quickly. It's going to be a 24 to hit. Oh, it just hits. Shoot him again! Shoot him again! I have to pull the trigger again and I'm not a bullet. I tried to find the bed. He punches down and he does 22 bludgeoning damage plus 21 fire damage as he hits you with the same ferocity that that Gabby Gabbard

rule was killed instantly by. It's 21 fire damage. Yes. I am not killed instantly. You're not killed instantly? By one point. 21 plus the plus I have 22 current hit points. Yes, so 22 bludgeoning. So I'm unconscious. I'm not killed outright. I see. By one point now. So you watch as your brother as knocked out instantly for never to shoot the mechanically the pit fiend mall cop Oh

Don't get the way with this It led I want to try to shoot them Roll it I'm gonna rage as well That's part of the last 19 19's just hit

That's what I got What is it? What is it deal? 3d6 plus What I did was this? Oh yeah, radium Oh my god. Teen, radiant damage.

18 radiant damage. Thank you. As I get knocked unconscious, I yell, I was a good kid. And the mall cop goes, but what about the murders? And I say, what? He reaches down and mechanically, we'll say he casts fireball, which you can do it well. Everything around you ignites. All of a sudden, you're consumed by heat.

I don't think that you're going to win this one, so we'll just fast forward to the end, When everything goes dark, the long period of serenity, peace for all of you. You piss. Until suddenly you're blinking, and you're all sitting, the five of you, staring at each other's faces, you're in the food court.

You're surrounding a round table, and in front of you is meals. Meals from, not Sparrow, certainly, but from the various area, you seem to have been resurrected back to full hymn. Sorry, Sponsorship. Yeah, sorry, Harrow. We don't want it.

We don't want it. There's Taco Held in front of some of you. Pretz Hells, perhaps a cookie. But you feel refreshed, except a little worse for the wear. Each of you takes a corruption point. And you now have two corruption points. You're feeling... Gummy.

You're down to two hairs. You're feeling sluggish. Your body is bloating. Looking around. you're realizing. So we haven't changed. This must be what's happening to the other customers here. They're transforming and slowly becoming these lemurs,

these primordial infernal oozes. And that will be your fate if you don't do something about it. What happens? Everything just happened so quickly. Before I knew it, there was a gut in my hand. Before I knew it, there was a gun in my head. You've been restored back to your normal age. Oh, great.

Do I have my time crisis too gun? You do not. Unfortunately, it seems to have been taken. It's a dangerous weapon. You know, Quasimodo predicted that too. I really shouldn't listen to that guy. It was a... The movie opponent.

We clearly understand the he's the fucking goon. He has no authority. You guys were talking pretty big game right before he splattered your guts everywhere. Now was a lucky shot. He was a lucky shot. Well, we're here.

Do you guys want to play MASH and find out who we're going to marry? What? You mean watch MASH? Do they have reruns? No, there's the game, and I'll fold the paper and then we do the thing, and then you figure out the MASH. Mary apartment

Seaside and then house or something Oh Mansion apartment What does that stand for And then house Perhaps a shack You're right

Mansion apartment shack or house And so that's what you determine Whether you're going to wind up And what are you play mash I go to the jukebox And put on the mash theme song We do the monster mash It was a grave yard

Who put this on? We do the mish. Let's go to the exit. I was just going to ask on account of the fact that enough of you shot me in the head if we're giving up on the demon Marcus Exeter idea.

You were all screaming on me to do it. I didn't want to. You grabbed the gun that you put it to your forehead. There's a lot of stuff going on at the time. I was very confused. It's been a ram. I didn't ask you to shoot me in the head. I was shaking and crying

and calling your name asking for help. It was porkers and Gavagall. They were yelling at me. It was for the best. No, we ground out her begging and pleading for her life, actually. You were past your prime. There was nothing left to live for. There was no life then.

No. Well, you know, if we're going to make our way to the demon Marcus, there's that photo booth on the way. No, no. No, that's what got us in this predicament in the first place. You guys aged like 150 years. We're all hungry. We're all hungry.

Let's all get a meal. from Pandemonium Capital City of Hell Express. And after their delicious chalemain. Oh, I could go for some chamein. We'll all feel a lot better, and we will be well suited. The proportions are pretty great. Did you know, most people don't know this, why I'm going to blow your mind.

You can get half and half rice and chalemain. You don't have to pick. When they ask you which one you want, that's false. Yeah, but their fried rice sucks. I mean, if you get... Well, yeah, but I'm just saying if you want, wanted it. Well, I don't want it. I want double chau-main. I want extra chow-may. Okay. Well, then you get extra chal-me. What I will say is don't ever get there.

Chau-Mame. What? Chau-Mame. That's very fun. That's... You also have another small ureca. Just before the life left you, you remember plunging into the What are you going to do? Yip's not my God. You had... It says man whose skull was...

You had a thread of consciousness as you were flung into the fountain waters, and you remember, as you, unable to prevent yourself from smashing into the tile bottom of the fountain, that there were coins at the bottom of the fountain. Hmm. First, pandemonium capital city of Hell Express from Milton's Paradise Lost. And then we go to the fountain. Deep cut. What are we going to go to the fountain for? when that

moose loser pathetic Paul Blot looking motherfucker did his cheap shot on me he's lucky that I twisted my back out golfing

that I'm gonna say I saw some coins in the fountain that reminds me of a song you on the court Oh, my Glowings in the Outturn

Oh, you belong Don't see that Yes, yes Yeah, come on You know the whole song You don't know the way We sing the whole song

Yeah, flawlessly you all sing the whole song Before you get up And you start to make your way Out of the food court We haven't afforded from the We have a Pandoam

You have a quick plate of Pandamonium Express Subtract two copper pieces for each of you. So it would be one silver piece total. Oh, the endless one. My family. That's fair. They mostly belong to you.

And you stand up. Belly is full, feeling rejuvenated, almost as though you had enjoyed a long rest. And you continue to make your way. You are on your way to the rightmost wing of the Dead Mall towards the Demon Marcus. in Marcus, passing the fountain, passing the directory map, which as you are walking by, a small child goes up to and clicks the advertisement button and pressed up against the glass.

See? I think he's joking. I think he's just messing around. I told you. No, this is not real. Whoa. It's not real. Is this a little child in him?

I love me. Pretty fucked up. got some dark implications. It's probably so baptized the kid, I guess. 10,000 years, I've never seen anybody who pushed that button before. You've clearly not met children. They are Satan's farm.

So it would make sense. It doesn't notice, but it's just pushing back the buttons back and forth, and it's going from map to body. Look, anybody could have killed that guy. It wasn't me. He said if you press the button, you don't. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that.

It wasn't me. I'm just really thinking we should probably figure out who did this. It could be anyone. We should really get to the bottom of who murdered that guy. Do you want me to call the mall cop back over here to see if we can find that. No, no, no. That guy, if I could, now that I, go, they're coming.

Yeah. I could beat the living. What? Uncle Calamari. Uncle, Uncle, Uncle Galba Goosey, he could kick his ass. I could kick that loose his ass. Hey, not on a full stomach. Yeah, a full stomach bed.

I'm in my prime, okay? Double Chalman. They had to give you two boxes. Especially with Mids Field watching, no Mr. Field, all of a lifetime, supply of cookie, and also sweet treats. It made goods. Still walking and talking. You continue down the hallway.

You're seeing many of the stores that you haven't seen before. Farther and farther down, walking past the real render, walking past the shack, walking past the middle class, which you're sad to see the middle class is actually... Close. Already! Oh, no. It's like 15 minutes too early.

And you're walking, there seems to be in the center, just as you're walking past the hall, a small kiosk, like a small cart. And sitting on a stool at the end of one of these carts is a young woman. She's wearing a large, vibrant, two sizes, two big orange sweater. She has a ton and ton and ton of bracelets on both hands. These large earrings, her hair is, uh, a brunette hair is up in two giant buns on both sides. And she's like, well hi!

You guys want to buy a calendar? We all got all kinds of calendars. We're looking for the exit. It's just down here by the Dina Marcus. You know, this is actually one part about the 90s I don't miss. Calenders make a shitty gift. We got cute calendars though, they're all kinds. Galamad, you know what to do

No, no, no, no. Yeah, do you have the calendar sutra? What? The calendar sutra? 365 days of sutra. I think so. You're in the back. Yeah, why don't you go in the back and see if you can find it?

She starts to walk around to the other side of the... All right, run, we got to get out of here. We're going to be stuck here forever. I also think that's the spread for May. Oh, will that... actually. Oh, God. Maybe I spoke too soon.

They have a calendar suture. They have a, they have a calendar of some of Jason Alexander's most chuckle-worthy lines. Oh, okay. I got it.

I found the calendar. Oh, no. Oh, wow, you didn't have to hold it open. It was fun. Well, yeah, it's here. It's all 365 days. Just like you said. It's just five copper.

Yeah, now that I'm looking at it, I don't think I want it. We got other calendars too. We got cute animals. Do you have David Kincaid? I think so. All the 90s moms love David Kincaid. I think it's in one of the drawers. Hold on. What about, hey, hold on.

Hold on. Do you have a calendar with just a bunch of weird naked babies and, like, you know, happy poses and stuff? People love the naked babies, calendar. I got a ton of those. Yeah, so you should look for that one. You should look for the David Kincaid and, you know, Oh, do you have Lisa Frank? Uh-huh.

Okay, yeah, look for those. Oh, Lisa Frank is nice. Lisa Frank, naked babies, Kincaid. Stop playing naked babies. I wish I hadn't lost that gun. She runs around, she opens one of the drawers and she pulls out, five, ten, that'll be 20 coppers or two silver pieces.

Oh no, I didn't, I don't want them. We're looking in the calendars featuring, Hit 90 star Kevin Clyde. You could check the back for us. I would be happy to you. Hold on to these. All right. I throw them down.

She's in the back. Go! I go, chase it. Chase it. Go! I wrong with four-guers. We run for the exit for Demon Marcus. Oh.

Hold on. You have a ghoul. Are you okay? Uh-oh. We run my five, Pete. We never go. He's having another episode. He's in big fitness.

He's a big fitness. He's doing his breathwork. Uncle Saucy, pick him up. We gotta keep going. Okay. Don't hurt you tell. You never had the making the barth of the athletes. You continue to run down the hallway as it curves in the direction.

But eventually you see it. The sign, red the flames, demon Marcus. And what confronts you is the doors, the portal out. They're spinning. You can see that there are some creatures who are at their maximum blobular level are walking, and they push their way through these revolving doors, and then they're gone.

This is it? This whole time you've been here for 10,000 years, and the eggs has been right here? I don't know. I mean, the claw machine was pretty fun. I'm not going to make it, guys. What do you mean? It's right there.

We can roll you through. My heart's giving out. But you know. I don't see I can last another corruption. Don't say these things. My brothers. No. My nephew.

Yeah. It's me. Whatever you are back around. Yeah, that's fair. Others. In my last moment, I'm going to take one last look at the calendar I stole from that little mouse of girl. Yeah. Yeah, if cows did make tools, they would be pretty impractical.

We'll never forget his humorous comic. Let us carry. They come very clear based on the sound that Gabagool's just fallen asleep. Well, he's digging a little after. There's the glamour shots right there. No, no! We are so close! The great Gabagall's slumber!

The exit is right there! I fell over my shoulder. Oh, yeah, you go, though. And would be comical if human-sized fly came to them. Anyway. You start to race forward, and the... It's just like the skylights.

There's no sense of sky, there's no sense of landscape, there's no sense of terrain in front of you. whatever the material the doors are made out of, whatever the material these large panes of glass are made of that make up the wall of this exit, they're not affording you any view of whatever lays beyond. It's just a bright white light almost like the face of a clock. It's glowing and illuminated, but hoping beyond hope that you might be able to escape the dead ball, each of you push one after the other through the next through the revolving door through the revolving door and

you push through re-emerging back back inside of the dead mall of following in the exact same order but feeling very strange I need each of you to roll a D20 oh a D20 is it this is the moment a 17 for Gabu Gul 14 oh oh god nine I got a four. Mm-hmm. Natty one. Good. What order do you guys go in?

Probably. I think we didn't probably last. Porkos was definitely in the lead. Oh, yeah. Oh, then I was behind you. I would probably be third. Okay. Sorry.

So pork goes then Gaba Gould and Kalimari. I get nice. And I would bring up the real. the rear as I look fondly at the glamour shots. Poor ghost. You emerge back in and disappointingly you see the you see

the mall but you're overcome by its 90s hellishness and you believe that you are in a motivational fitness video you suddenly feel I'm not fucking making that shit up unbelievably You suddenly feel as though you are put here on this earth,

on this hell, to convince others to gain fitness. As this happens, your brother, Gabagool, emerges behind you. You believe that you're a fantasy adventure cartoon character. You narrate everything in epic terms, referring to items as artifacts of power and dramatically naming your weapons. Sausage, you merge behind. Do you feel a little bit of an epic terming behind, do you feel about... Kalamari's next, right?

Oh, my apologies, Kalamari. Kalamari. The Kalamari. You were similarly disappointed, hoping that you were going to be able to move on. You believe that you're hosting an MTV interview, and you're convinced everyone you talk to is a celebrity guest or pop star. Sausage, you feel about the same. You weren't really sure why you hadn't tried the exit, and now you realized that perhaps you never needed to, because you have, re-entered the dead mall. You feel about the same. However, in about five minutes, the gestating

alien egg inside of you is going to burst out of your chest. Additionally, Peggeroni. You are now an infomercial host, narrating every action as if demonstrating a product with weight, there's more, an overly enthusiastic gasping. The five of you suddenly group back into the space. Customers all about you. Storefronts, jing, music coming from speakers overhead. You're trapped in the dead mall. Oh, Gobblegool! Are you alive? They say that the greatest adventure is what lies ahead.

We must seek out Quasimodo. Here's the key to all of this, you know. Oh, more. The dark lord Paul Blart fuckface. Probably shunering in his pants, a little pants. And the only way we can defeat it is by finding Quasimodo and casting him into the ball pit of Jeepers. After all that, I can't believe we're back here in the mall, but at least I have the world famous Uncle Porcos here with me in the mall today. You're here to promote your fitness videos.

You have heard of me! Of course I have. You're world famous. Yes, yes, for three easy payments of 4999. You too can own a copy of my 12 VHS workout routine. That's amazing. Can you elaborate about when you turn to drugs? Drugs. Yeah, it was a horrible downy spiral. My agent, don't.

I'm here to ask the hard-hitting questions. It was alleged. It was alleged. There is no proof. Well, it's gotta be hard to keep up staying fit while having such a busy life. It is. It is, but for only four easy payments of $4999, you too can watch these VHS tapes at home. Are you a busy mother? What do you have to say to the people who attribute all the weight loss to the cocaine?

Alleged, alleged, alleged, this body is not my cocaine. Wait, the glittering mineral powder, does it exist in the small? We must find it. It is the key to the 80s. It is the key to the 90s. It is the key to all of the great art and all of our great achievements of the decade. We must find it. I do not know what you're talking about.

And if you're intrigued, I know I'm intrigued. Now, if you're here with me, this is Peggeroni on QVC. We are here to tell you that this is the best place for you to buy adventures and workout with the sausage brothers. Oh, that's right. The pork pros. We are in pork bros, yes. New brand, new brand. But that's not all.

If you call right now, 1-800, get your pork pros in hell. You can pick up not just this amazing workout DVD or the treasure map to all kinds of magical additional thing. Oh, yeah, the glittering metropolitan. But you can also get Calamari's one and only interview tapes.

I need to make a group performance. And the pan holder. See how harder to use fucking pans? Oh, I burned my shit on my head of the plate. Ah! Oh! Do you find yourself in this situation? where you're trying to pick up a pen and you burn your hand.

Let's go. Well, call 1-800. Get your shit in hell and you can get a pot holder. Dude, I'm just glad they're going through that spinning door and do anything weird to anybody. In fact, the only change I have is that pandemonium capital city of Hell Express isn't sitting too well with me. Oh, you're not feeling well. That shouldn't have gotten a double chow man. Join me in some squawls. Let us go.

A crowd is starting to gather. Do you also find yourself dealing with explosive diarrhea like our pal sausage here? If you do, please call 1-800, have your shits in hell, and you can have a supplemental material, which will help you to stiffen your shits. Not two, not three, not four, but many people are starting to show up and they're starting to open their coin purses and looking for potentially how to buy.

I rolled a 20. Lose weight, just like this guy did. Achieve great D. Oh, we're supposed to do that, aren't we? Performance check. Oh. Are you performance checks? Yeah.

A group performance check. I got a 12. 13 on the dot. Nine. Natural one. A majority of you succeeded and you see these eager customers start to walk up. Walking up to you, um, uh, sausage. And how long is it?

How do I? buy. It's only been a few minutes now. Probably four minutes. It's been four minutes and 20 seconds. I would be happy to tell you how you can buy. 4999. Can you tell me, hey, shut your dirty mouth, okay? Could you tell me the time? Are you wondering to watch? I mean, I have this Cassio watch right here. Oh, the calculator. Why? Why? Why are you interested in the time? I'm just wondering what the time. Oh, four minutes. I'm about to give you 50 silver pieces. Yeah, I tell you, well listen, let me the 50 silver pieces.

You are strong saucing. You can do this. Just three more. Just three more. You can do it. You can do it. You can finally have them making the avi for the end. You're doing great. I'm feeling so good.

You're working. You're not. Oh, really. It's the strongest muscle. Yes. I kill you. You are surprised yourself with an alien creature splitting out of your chest?

like your chest out of five minutes. Oh, 1,800 alien creatures went out of my chest to get the antidote right now. Or roll the hit. Where's that pedal? Where's that pedal? Where's that pedal? Ah.

Oh. Uh. That's a 20 to hit. Oh. Who were you attacking? He was trying to kill the alien. Like stop on it. Just trying to see if it could get away.

I have the tavern brawler feet. So I add a D4 plus that's very funny. I think four. Where's my... So, let's say I'm raging too. 10 damage. Corcos, in your presence of mind, you are able to get in front of this creature. And just as it tries to dodge out of the way and scurry across the marble floors into one of the stores,

you're able to crush it under one of your feet, it burns terribly. The sandaled foot immediately starts to melt as acid starts to create a huge cavern. a gap in the actual marble itself. No, no, I have pumped some. I have pumped shoes. My feet are fine. Your feet are fine. I have pumped shoes.

As I get out the way of this creature as porcus is stomping it to death and I find myself standing next to Uncle Gobblegool and I hold the microphone up to it. I say, ah, Uncle Gobblegul, where were you when the alien burst out of Uncle Sausage's chest? Oh, oh, thank goodness. I thought if you even know what the end of an ass.

I was saying, oh, man, you never had the Mickey to the Boss and the ass lady. spooky alien red value and he's not a poor baby brother. I always loved him. I always said he never had this big kingdom of a vast amy. What do you have to say to the people who are asking about his uncle sausage's illicit relationship with an alien woman? Quasimodo predicted that. Oh! You heard it here first, folks. You heard it here first. We need to slay this vile beast or something, whatever my character says. Slay it. Have you ever found yourself in a mall when an alien popped out of someone's chest and then you realize that every single person in that mall was now also infected

with that alien and you desperately were seeking some kind of antidote. Well, come on down to the fountain and provide us with 500 silver pieces apiece and you will be a cured of your alien creature. This is a limited time offer and it's they're going, go and gone. You better head down to the fountain at the mall right now. Make a persuasion check or performance at I was going to say disadvantage but that's very compelling. And for every one of your silver pieces. I will re-roll. It has 16 to 17, so I guess it didn't matter. For every single one of the silver pieces you donate, a tree will be planted in the

rainforest because we care about the rainforest during this time period. It would be a 21 or a 22. A 21 or a 22. You see customers nodding. They're all looking at you like, oh, yeah, I don't want an alien to explode out of my chest. How do I pay right away? You say it at the thousand. Within the next five minutes that you can have a shot.

Sham, wow, added to that order. You immediately see, the fountain, the fountain. The crowd starts to move in the direction of the kiosk down and back towards the center of the dead mall when you hear the sound of footsteps. We don't have a gun. We don't have our gun. I don't need a gun kid.

Are you gonna kick his ass? I am the great hero, that hot big titty chick from heavy metal with that. cute little taradax and got it beaten up and killed. Are you worried about your past when you turn to drugs and how that'll affect your performance today? You know what, kid? It was all because of the drugs.

All of the prosperity, all of the great art, all the great culture. It was because of the drugs. The United Cheshpurster rates are off 300% this year. Conditioning has never been more important. Okay. And I implore you, focusing on on exercise, the number one value, above family and friends, above self-worth and self-value, above even your job, quit! Quit at your job!

No, okay, no, you lost them, you'll end up with my brother! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, you turn and you can see that Sergeant Pittman was up on the second floor. He's wings flap out and he jumps, he swales, sails down, prushing and landing down in the middle of the hallway right in front of you. I will... Do I have any weapon on me? What weapon would you have had before arriving at the level of chief? I would have a meat hook.

You have your meat hook still. I will have my meat hook out. I have my Guy Fieri foot on a day. You cannot pass. I am the servant of the secret fire. Meal of the flame of honor. The dark fire will not avail you flame of voodoon. Go back to the shadow.

You shall not pass. And I will just click. might be put against the... You are down. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Throw advantage. Okay. Does anything happen mechanically?

Agent Pittman? More like Agent Bichman. I throw it down. Before, before the... Does the security officer is going to move or do anything? When he lands and he hears his speech, he points up and starts to

direct his finger in the direction of poor Gavibu. I run up to him. with my microphone in my hand. I quick, I say before you do anything else, sir, have you ever done drugs? What? Are you interested? Please, the people want to know.

No. Wait, drugs? He's lying. He's lying. I'm calling your supervisor. I demand to speak to your supervisor right now. Are you willing to take a drug test? I demand to speak. Well, why don't we just do it right here,

piss him in that car? I don't like your attitude. Quiet! Well, I'm going to talk to your supervisor. I need you to make a wisdom-saving throw. What? It would be a real shame

for Morgoth to hear about... Your brain explodes. You guys don't think that he's having another heart attack, but in reality, he's just paralyzed, as he just pulls over and... No! His head smashes against

against the cold marble floor of the Mega Mall. A million dollar baby. You get chucks for a better call Saul. Yeah, yeah, I get chugged. I ask only that you clean up your mess. Take these bills back to the food court. Sergeant, Sergeant Bickman. What do you like about yourself?

You guys tried to leave early. He throws a few copper down onto the ground at your feet. Go to the vending machine. Clean yourselves up. You're strong. I run a tight ship around here. You're disturbing the other customers. And you're very big and scary. You should feel really good about that.

Are you going to do what I ask? You should count your blessings. There's only one you blood of the world. And that's pretty special. Do you ever find that your loved ones have seizures in the middle of them all? And the arms are you. Isn't it pretty cool that you're you? And I'm me?

There's no one else like us in hell or elsewhere. You're attempting me to more violence. Really? Go! Go to the vending machine! Someone needs to take a chill pill. Who was the last time you had your blood pressure checked? I checked it this morning.

I'm glad to hear that. He's somewhat satisfied. He turns his back to you and he starts to make his way down to the hallway and you're left there with a smattering of a half-dozen copper pieces and the paralyzed body of Gabagool and the pool of blood is now like, it's a sea of blood. You can repeat your saving throw. We just have to drag him back to the food court? All of this for nothing? That's far. I mean, the doors are right there.

And I think Gabagal-Gul still has that. groan stick? I think the groan stick and I just kind of push him and sausage through the rotating doors to resurrect them. Like you're trying to play a shuffleboard. Yeah, exactly.

Just like, oh. Well, they're... Oh my God, that's the alien. That's fucking perfect. You managed to get their corpses into the rotating doors and then push and push and push them through. Yeah.

And for the sake of brevity, I will say that you are both resurrected. Gamble's foot gets gone, like, breaks up. Yeah, no, it would be disgusting. It would be horrifying what would actually happen to a corpse in this situation. But you find yourselves emerging. However, I need you both to roll another D20 for me. A two. 16.

Let me know if anyone got that. You believe you are a member of a popular boy band. Me? Yep. And... Uh, sausage. Ice ski. You believe that you are an infomercial disaster victim.

You constantly fumble with simple tasks. You sigh dramatically and you shout, there's got to be a better way. Your brother's return into the mall through the revolving doors. You are not feeling the effects of the curse alleviate, however. You continue to believe what you were convinced of when you first passed through the threshold Before we go home everyone get on the floor Let's do some crunches

We need better hearts if we're going to... I'm clearly the star of this operation you're all holding me back. I'm gonna give my solo career out of the way I'm gonna goodbye no longer boy band solo career boy band's destroyed very 90s I walk off and I start to... It's confidence I start to, okay, Stolo career, here I come. And I walk away.

Okay. Gapagul leaves the vicinity in whatever direction we'll find out momentarily. But he walks away, leaving the four of you there. Is that a giant pool of blood? I'm just trying to clean that up with a normal mob. There's got to be a better way. Oh.

Is there? A better way. I must know. Are you like sausage? Are you struggling to clean up a pool of blood with just a stand and mop? Do you have noticed that he keeps slipping out of your hand with every stroke?

What does he do? He's just spreading it around. That's the old boy. He's a failure at life. He's not getting any of it. He's just spreading the blood everywhere. There's nothing special about it. There's not going to be fine.

I'm just spreading it around. I'm a failure in life. It's a simple task. And there's nothing unique about you. There's nothing you think about me. I don't even like myself. Instead of a mop, try a vacuum. Me?

Oh. Just pushing the blood around. Oh. Oh, there's so much blood. Oh, this vacuum. Oh, it's just got the wheels. All those splats into my place. Are there any, like, mall goers passing by?

There do appear to be some. It's a little quieter here towards the exit. Most of the customers and consumers here in the mall are still mostly themselves, especially on the second floor. The ones who do seem to be passing you by are the ones who fully transformed into this primordial infernal ooze. They're... And they have shopping bags on one side, a baseball cap slooping off. Their faces are molten almost. they're basically moving like a slug or some sort of a gelatinous ooze until they make their way through the revolving doors.

But those that do pass through do not return. After they're ague. That's right. Do any look more well off than the others? Oh, you both should have taken two points of corruption. I'm looking. You're at three points of corruption. I'm like four or eight.

I know that you have three and you're looking rough. You were looking like a dead body that's been found in the river at this point. No one's seen me. No, no, you're... I'm off to have the most successful solo career that anyone's ever seen. I'm so talented. We'll check in with that momentarily. Why do you ask?

I just want to know if there are, like, different social classes or strata. Like, are there, like, higher-end stores and more budget stores? And, like, are there people that would have more money on them versus less? You would definitely expect that some of these stores would attract a... clientele with more cash to spend. A good example of that would be perhaps the J.C. Copper store as opposed to the Abyss. You might consider going to unnatural wonders. The... Definitely... Build an owl bear demands a pretty high fee. These kinds of things. Perhaps Vivian's secret. Possibly the low man. We need to find a way to make money.

there is no other way out. I mean, they should be piled a silver over by the fountain if all those people paid for their merchandise. So here's what you do. I will develop an aerobics and calisthenics course. 38,000 parts,

all on VHS. And you will advertise it, and we can have sausage here. Pothetically fail at everything he does when he tries to work out, and he needs assistance. That's how it goes. I'm not trying to work out.

I say, uh, uh, I think that I think to myself, there's got to be better way. I keep doing these squats, but I'm as flat as a good board. Uh, the more I think about it,

the more I think that spending time here in this hell is changing me, I just keep thinking all of the things we'd be able to do if we still had that gun. could find the gun. And we could just steal all the money. We're already in hell.

We could go to that bank place and steal all the money. Could go to a bank place. Wait, there's a bank place. Yeah, yeah, it's called... Oh, the bank! Jose Bank! He just... They're not fucking going to Joseph.

But they have all the money! They don't have all their money. Doesn't that guard keep saying we're trying to leave too early? I know I've been dead every time he said it. I mean, why don't we just ask him? I need a weapon. I'm going to a natural wonder

to get a rain stick. As you say this, Gabagoole, where do you find yourself? I am yelling at the repo man who's taking my sports car. Uh-huh.

Oh, come on, come on, man, I was just going to pay it. I just got a sweet gig at the at a casino in Atlantic City. And I'm going to be able to pay in a month. It's going to be, it's going to be okay. It's going to be great.

Please, man. Be cool. Be cool. Just give me like another month. Come on, man. I got four shows, five shows a week at the Golden Nugget. I swear, I swear. In reality, you're yelling at one of the mall employees who's standing next to a rotating Toyota terselle.

Dude, I just work here, all right? Like, I don't even know what your deal is. That's what they all say. You know who I am? No, I keep saying that over and over. the last five minutes. I'm almost done with my cigarette. I am the fat one. Okay. From that boy band, remember me? Do you remember that a hit single? What? No. You don't remember? I mean, I remember me? Remember I was on the

Nicolode Kids Choice Award? Do I look like I listen to boy bands? you've got some blood here I used to be relevant and I was going to have a great story in Korea and then I discovered the beauty of video poker

do you like washed up boy bands now that's what I call music 666 get it now do you look like you need this more than I do and he pulls out lifesavers

holes. Not the lifesavers, the holes that were discontinued in the 90s. Dude, you need these. You'll be all right if you take them. Thanks. I really appreciate that kid. And here, I should reward you. I should reward. Come in, come in. Let me give you a hug. And I'm going to shake. Roll the hit. No one gives me life they with holes and get away with it. Roll the head. It's cocked. That's con. Okay, I'm not using that. Okay. That's a 21. 21 hit? Yeah, it hits.

Okay. I forget how to play D&D. How much damage is a rapier? One, my meat hook. One D8, I think. I'll have to go up this guy. Seven. Seven points of damage.

You kill him. And he... Instantly. He holds the wound, he looks up to you, oh, dude, I'm outy. I'll lean in. I'll lean in as he's dying as I'm watching the lies, and I'll think,

What the? You kill him and... All shut his eyes. Looking around. I need a fine. My age. Make a perception check? Perception?

Yeah. Can you say? 14. 14. There don't seem to be very many hiding places and you know that the Sergeant Pittman is a bit of a stickler when it comes to bodies. I'm gonna sit on his corpse. I'm gonna pop them. I was like Shinger's whole, and start crunching on it.

You start to pop it in, and as you savor the fruit quality of the sugary snack in your mouth, you realize that you're not actually a boy band star. You quit nothing. It was all a fantasy because of the strange magic of this place. And as that happens, you see your companions. You see everyone walking back in the opposite direction towards Unnatural. unnatural wonders sitting on a body. I'm sitting on this employee that I just murdered and said was up to.

You are sitting on an employee that you just murdered and said what was up to. And that's where you are confronted by your four allies. I don't even confront them. I just go straight to unnatural wonders. Then you just walked past Gabagoole. You take in the information visually that that's what's happened to your brother. I'm very determined. Okay.

You continue on your way and you pass by the Vivian's Secrets. You pass by bidey toys, which from what you can tell is a huge number of magic items, but the floor is covered in balls with squirrel tails that's just sort of flipping around like this. You... And finally you make your way towards unnatural wonderful wonderful wonderful. You recognize it by the sign that says so much, but also by its stone entranceway. There's a water feature, and there's a cloying incense smell drifting out. I walk up to the wall that has the rainsticks and didgeridoo's, and I take one of each.

What are you going to do with those? Hey, I like the sounds they make. See, it sounds like the rain. It's calming, but what, for what purpose? We gotta get out of here. To calm to kill a rest. killer instead. Oh. We all have it in us.

And it is awakening and me the longer I'm in this place. I'll have these. And also this new HCD that has a pretty cool cover. You do look over and you see that there's a display. Next to what appears to be a random box of just like discount rocks. You pull a CD off of a, uh, uh, uh, A beautiful wooden display, thin shelves, pure moods, nature sounds. Oh, yeah.

That's what I bought. That's what I bought. You just grab one, not even looking at the case, and you walk up to the cashier with your rainstick, your CD, and what was the third item? A didgeridoo. Didgeridoo. A didgeridoo. A didgerid. A decrepit old woman hunched behind the...

behind the cashier counter. Oh, I see you are interested in my products. Yes, I beg these, please. This will be two gold pieces for the rainstick. What? One gold piece for the digital. No, poor ghost. These places are crazy.

Ten silver pieces, copper pieces for the compact dish. I do not have it. money but I like them and I will like them you cannot take my wares without I beat her to death with the razor and I loot the tail and her body porkups oh no this place is changing us no I was confused when you said you were coming here to your weapons and then he said you were finding things to the calm But then I watched Bluntin this lady to death with them.

As you reach up, I'm going to slow down time and pause. You're going to have to roll a hit. But what have the three of you been doing? Okay, so you're just right behind Porcas? I think I would have taken the corpse of the employee, and I would have heaved him up onto the little waist-tight platform where there's them a bunch of mulch and dirt. and I would have like tucked him behind the firms.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, take them into the ferns. Make a general dexterity check to see how well you do. Natural 20, that would be 25? The fern leaves here are big. No, 20, you know, those really long ones with the big indents on them. You feel very confident that no one is going to find this body for some time before you rejoin your companions.

I don't know what came over, man. Peggeroni. I would have gone to the fountains to see if I had collected enough money. collected enough money to buy my freedom. Make an investigation check. Wow, a 10 million gold piece coin. Do we know how much money it cost? No, that was just your guess.

You haven't asked anyone, you know that there's a number. You said it was a million. Well, you haven't asked anyone. Seven. You could have asked me if you'd ask somebody. Seven. Roll a, I need to find the, fountain portion here, one moment.

Roll a 1D4, a 1D8. Oh, well, I'm specifically just checking the money-asked people to leave here for their... There doesn't seem to be any, like, stacks of money on the fountain. Then that's what I was looking for. Oh, okay. Then you don't go into the water for coin.

Okay, then you don't roll for anything. Take a G-R-ya. I would say you were just catching up with Gabba Ghul at the entrance of the... If I didn't find anything there, I'm just gonna walk out of the mall and try and leave again. Oh, okay. Let's say that you head towards the other exit, which is on the wing that Unnatural Wonders is on. You will reach that destination as soon as we resolve the Frozen in Time attack against the Unnatural Wonders cashier.

I roll a 20 and a 12. Jeez. The 20 hits. Ten points of damage. Ten points of damage. You strike me in my place of big. business! She reaches points out and suddenly missiles emerge from her finger all all at once. They all hit, so they immediately...

Mizzles. Like, why as you magic missiles? Yes, darts of energy. Darts of energy fly out. She did tangent topping the right. Not like Lockheed Martin. Dealing five points of damage to you and... It was spelled by Rathia. Um, and she said, You'll stop or I will call the small cop.

Did this Did you do attack seem to like affect her at all? Or did she just shrug this off? She like got hit and then like looked back up at you. Oh damn it. Kalamari, help me! Okay! And then I, in one certain motion, I vault over the, uh,

the attack counter, and I go to make an attack, and I use a focus point to use one of my fury of blows to attempt to topple her. I use my focus point. You heard me? You heard me. I'm playing 2024, bitch. I use, yeah, I use my furrier blows to try to topple her.

So I will first try to topple her, which she will have to, I have to attack first off. Uh-oh, that's only gonna be 13 to hit. Oh, that misses. I try it again. I try again. I try again. I don't think, I don't have the ability to...

Oh, that's even worse. All my attacks miss. I jump over the counter. I'm making a lot of the counter. I'm making a lot of attack. You come out. I get caught up in the giant windbreaker that my uncle gifted me. And I get tangled in it and I just kind of roll over the counter and fall on the floor.

There are bunch of it. hanging chimes on one side of the counter. They make a cacophony. It makes a cacophonies you land and crash down onto the wooden floor of the wonderful story. Stupid jacket. She turns to you for the attack and I need you to make a... I got a 23 on my attack if it matters.

You hit. Go ahead and make a... I think that she'll continue to target you because you... 11 prints of damage. And I'm gonna try to topple her with my mall. She needs to make a con save. What the fuck can you just say? Okay.

I will roll that. She gets a 10. DC was 15, so she is now knocked prone. Nice! Sweet pleasure. Yeah, once she's prone, if I can get up and just start pummel here, I attempt to do that. Just flurry blows, beat the shit out.

Porcos is finished! If she hits the ground and realizing the advantage that you have over her, she, I cackles and snaps her fingers and vanishes. As I go to punch, she got, oh no, she got away! Quick, raid the till! We loot the till. Well, there does. There does exist a till.

There seems to be a strong box. You reach forward and you're gonna need to break this open. I need to make a strength check. Sausage. I'm raging. While, a good friend Peggeroni, extends to heaven or purgatory or whatever the next level is. Oh, are 21.

Or 21, you were able to break it open and inside are hundreds of silver pieces and copper pieces. This isn't enough! This isn't enough! Let's take it! Okay! I start filling the pockets of my windbreaker and I'm like, as I'm walking now, it's like sagging and shh... Yeah, there's these huge pouches, just washing back and forth. I'm making a lot of noise as I'm attempting to put as much silver in my pockets as possible. as is possible. I rip the boom box off the wall that's playing these New Age

songs. I pop it open. I rip open the jewel case of the CD. I place in calm emotions. I hit the lid down. Okay. Roll 1.18 for me. I walk out onto the mall and look at all of the mall goers and I'll look at Colomari and I'll say.

You know what we have to do. What? Why do we have to do? Tell me. Let's jazz our size. And I hit play on calm emotions. And I'm going to go through the mall is trying to murder and rob everyone from all the goal that I can. We'll say that you grabbed the powerful

CD and it really blasts. Five. That was the CD that you grabbed. Oh, good. If you'd taken the time at the pure moods display to put the headphones on and hit the little button to change which selection you would have made, you would have

felt different emotions. But you grabbed the powerful CD because of the mood that you were in and it just called to you. And you begin to make your way down the hallway. The two of you are watching this display. Kalimari and Porcos have seemingly lost their minds. They are going to take this dead mall by force. Peggeroni.

You reached the revolving doors. Yeah, I'm thinking about everything that I was trying to sell and how it wasn't working. That guy said that we tried to leave too soon. And I'm just feeling like it's time for me to become a mall walker. And so I just sadly walk through the doors. You push your way into the doors. It seems that only death brings corruption.

So instead of emerging on the other side, increasingly more blobular, instead I just need you to roll a Wendy 20 for it. 17. I roll again. Every item you see when you emerge on the other side is a deal that you cannot pass up, as though you're a shopping network host. That's lovely. I'm going to slip my own throat.

Fortunately, you're right next to a night store. You can't pass that. You can't pass that up. You stabs yourself over and over and over until dead. Until dead. Your body falls to the ground. And that's at that same moment as you are making these motions that you are hearing the sound of calm emotions

blasting through the hallways. The four of you in the very far distant hallway see the peggaroni fall at the edge of the revolving door. Well, sausage. I feel like Heltl has kind of cleaned us all. We have peggaroni. She's like, I guess not, I need to pray got me to me. You look down at the area.

I'm stabbing myself to death. Yeah, things around here really escalating quickly. That's deep. That's like she got Catlin's stuff. Our brother and our nephew, our committing heinous acts, I think there's only one thing left for us to do. I think we should find, see if they have a boobers location here. You don't know if there's such restaurants,

and enjoy one last meal before the Overton window of this culture shifts to turn these restaurants to tasteful and they no longer become part of our culture. What do you think, Dodg? You have a goal? I think you're still. higher and perfect. So let's grab a seat and let's just watch

it all unfold. Yeah. Let's watch it unfold. With a view. There's a nice little outdoor areas. You make you wear a boobers. You wait for your seat patiently. A very boobular waitress leads you to your seat and you sit down.

She's actually just a walking pair of breasts. That's right. It's just legs. Breasts and breasts. Boobers. Boobers. Uh, Porcos, you clearly have a plan. You are marching with your coin-laden brother down the hall. This is brus. Any mallgoers that we see, we will be dead.

Yeah, we'll be dead. But as soon as they're dead, we're going to, very like, splinter cell or thief style, pick their body up, and then stash all of their bodies, very, like, sloppily. But because it's behind the counter of the utterance. Oh yeah, that works too. And there's no clipping so they can all, we can limitlessly stack them. And the guards, as long as it's like obscure just a little bit, the guards will not receive.

Oh, yeah. The moment that we have enough coins, silver coins, that we've collected that no longer fit in the giant pockets of my windbreaker, I fill one of my socks with the coins, and that's what I'm beating people to death with. Okay. A sock full of silver coins. You're whipping it over your head, like... Yeah, and I'm just... And I would say that you get through, um, perhaps

five or six of the consumers here in the dead mall before you hear. They're robbing them too. Oh yeah, yeah. And I would say that you could add a few dozen more silver coins and perhaps even some gold, even some gold. You got out. You go to the gold pieces. I mean, that's like walking around a mall with a $100 bill.

That's what I'm saying. It happens, right? You know, it's not a lot. It spends on the customer, but that's when you hear the sound. Roll a, both of you, a stealth check to see how well you're hiding the body. Easy. I'm good at this. Excuse me, I already that's a medium well plus, that's more of a medium well.

Not bad, I got an 18 for stealth. 18 for stealth. 18 for stealth. I got a 10, I think. No, 11. You managed to find a window where you know that the sounds of the foot, feet are coming. You're about to strike another customer when your hand is stopped by Calamari. He's the one who, not just yet. We have to wait. Wait, wait, we're going to get caught. Sergeant Pittman makes his way and then notices perhaps a coffee spill on the second floor and then jumps using his great wings to lift himself up to the second floor and then turn around down one of the other halls.

As we're beating mallgoers to death, I would like to keep my eyes out for meh. Okay, make perception check. Meh. You can take that guy, gunma cool. I know you could. Nine. Nine for perception. Nine.

You don't see her in your immediate. It was a cheap shot. I'm just going to keep my eye out for as we're beating mallgoers to death. I mean, tell you at it started. Any gentleman knows that you're in the fight, you say, you know, go. For your time. Yeah, exactly right. You are making your way.

At a certain point, customers are catching wise to your acts of terror, and you are, they're starting to flee. Oh my, you have to chase them down more and more. Pretty soon, I would say you make another 150 coins and another body is disappearing. People are hiding in their storefronts trying to escape. But there's very little that they can do to escape you. They have no weapons on them. They came here to shop. And you have to make your way up the escalator towards the...

Wow, I'm having weird deja vu right now. That's very bizarre. You make your way up the escalator to the second floor in order to chase down to particularly fast consumers. When you hear a voice from one of the storefront entrances. You both look like you're ready to fight. And you turn and you realize that the entrance to war zone, the laser tag arena, you see a cat person with hands backwards staring at you.

A belt on both sides carrying two blasters, just like the time crisis blasters that you're looking at. You don't have to do that and kill all of the mall customers in order to get out of here. What are you doing? Stop this violence immediately. We're trying to get as much money as we can to buy our freedom. Yes, that's... Do you have any... Yeah, how much money you'd have to...

You'd have to kill everyone in this mall. We're working on it. Thanks, they play! Oh, no, no, no, you'll be killed by Sergeant Pittman before you know it, and you won't be able to resurrect if you're all dead. What? What do you mean? Well, at a certain point, you'll just turn into the identity-less blobs.

If you want to keep yourselves to yourself to yourselves, there's only a few ways out of here. Okay. Well, tell us. Why are you deciding to help us now? This is the first time you've come to the ward zone. I don't know what to tell you. Who are you? Get us out of here. Tell us. Tell us. Well, you can convince the various managers of these stores by doing them various favors.

They're all dead. You can earn enough cash through clever means in order to get out of here. Or you can compete in my combat arena. That's it. We just have to... Against who? Yeah. Against the finest bunch of competitors that we have, of course. Change your plans.

Okay. It's not too late. No, it's not too late. How many people do we need to enter? You'll need a fine to enter. Yes, that works. All right. Let's go find the rest. Okay.

And we run back down to find boobers and potentially two of my uncles. You know, boobers all go find. And we have to go find... Spot Peggy and meatballs. Pegaroni's corpse. See if she's been resurrected yet. I go to Boobers. He goes to find peggaroni.

Kalamari races up to the two of you just as you're being served your third plate of extra spicy wings. Guys, guys, guys, guys. I ain't know how to get out of here. You got to come with me, though. What? We get out of here. We just got to win a round of combat in war zone. We were waiting on a round of the dirt shooter.

There's no time. Come with me? Come on. You put that with chocolate moose. They have the chocolate moose and they got the other stuff on the shooter. Yeah. For hell, they do a pretty mean spread. Wait, what's so great about what we're going, huh?

I explained to them everything. Whoa, we get a gun? Okay, yeah. We just need five people to compete in war zone with laser guns. That's exactly right. Thank you, Booghugus. It's gonna be easy. I rush in with the corpse of, what's your name?

Spawpegini Bulls. She kills us. Screw some Give her a chicken wing Are these fried ariolas? Oh, there you go I don't know how do that kind of picture The waiters

The waitress shows up You're dessert shooters Oh, perfect time then I thought we're gonna have to miss out Don't forget to tap Uncle Gabagul, what is this place? I had found it with a knife Charming yet outdated

Nope. Nope. Warzone is out. I'm staying here forever. No, we have to do this. No, no, no. This place is awesome. This place is awesome.

It is really awesome. Now I know I've been here for 10,000 years. Well, I didn't know this is here. If I knew this is here, I would have a job here. Not in a fucks the pretzel place. You would not be able to work here. You do not have booburn.

No, but I'll be washed the fucking dish. I'll do whatever fucking day. Me too. Me too. I'll wash dishes. I'll watch dishes forever. No, we want a freedom! Is she resurrected yet?

This is freedom. Look at her! Look at her! Wait, Peggeroni, what does that shooter do you want? She's just... Well, we'll just try all three. Hopefully, like, the key line. Oh, this isn't really mixed really well. Strawberry short cake.

I'm coughing, you come back to life. And I immediately rushed towards the escalator and throw myself into them until I'm crushed into a mass. No! You just feed your hair into the escalator? You jump into the escalator and yeah, you feed your hair into it. And it just, it does not stop. It does not even grind to a halt.

It just plate-oed you. It's like one each and then 30 seconds later, the top stair comes down red. Oh, there's no hope. We can do it for Menti. Maybe he'll join our. No, without a fifth person, I think we should just stay at Boo-burst forever.

I mean, look at her! The things I've done with these hags. I knew we can fix it. Where do we feed it? With the tooth. And we can pick it on me. Two it up. Chew it up.

You put the shooter on this. I did the tooth. And a network of veins and nerves suddenly rocked her head and a nightmare can do it. The nightmare configuring Let me talk about to the head. The ears are so packed together. Yeah.

The eyes are reemerged. Her flesh, it's like the first two minutes of ghost in the shell when she's, the major is being made out of nothingness. And suddenly you coughing, despite the pain, you come back to life. You have four levels of corruption at this point. Penderone. We have the blue lady. The tag.

I don't want to play laser tag. I don't want to play laser tag. You can be free, and alive and free from hell. We have to play laser tag. This is our one chance. Why? Because we get out of here. How do you know that?

Because the really trustworthy laser tag. Yes. Who's very trustworthy? His hands were on backwards. So if I told you that you had to like lick each other's butt holes to get out of you, you'd just do it? That's no yet.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. My name's Kalimari. Do you work here every shift? Are you here every day? Calamari is my name. I didn't catch your name. What's your name? My name is Cassie.

Oh, Cassie, that's a beautiful name. How long have you worked here for? Are you single? Are you going to leave a large tip? Your brothers ate so much. Well, to be fair, I have a lot of money. We have so much. A lot of money.

I see that that is the king of God. Kathy, I love you. I saw our first. I saw our first, you old fucking. I swear to God, I swear to sobleth. I swear to sobbing your sleep. I'll beat you to death with a sock full of silver.

You stay away from, stay away from Cassie. You don't know what you're doing, kid. You don't know what you're doing. You don't need a gob of gold to death. I'll step in front. Yeah, I got to beat Uncle Kalamai. to death with a sock full of silver, and I catch Peggy white in the head.

And my skull just completely flips around. No! She's looking at her spine. She's lying. I'll go get your check. She turns, Cassie turns out, and exits into the phone. That's it for Peggeroni. Peggeroni, you don't resurrect in the traditional sense.

At five levels of corruption. But you're only one away. At five levels of corruption, you all watch as the cinnabon head hat transforms onto a body, and you no longer here. Not here, but see the... Oh my God! What's wrong with your face? You now have the statistics of a lemur.

Oh, I love the boomer. Her lemur. Oh, she's eating him. I know, she's gonna eat me! Oh! Oh my God! He was an accident, I meant to kill Gama Kul! Well, okay, back around you, I hope you can...

Oh, my God was your French of your bed in a little. I don't think she can hold the butter knife, she can hold the gun. Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Peggeroni. I know it's only a butter knife, but look at that trigger discipline. It's beautiful. It's very much.

Okay, leave a good tip. Okay, I'm going to put my Rocky Tockey runes. I love you forever. I want to take you away from this plane. Yeah, Gambleu, it's a class move. Yeah, they're clapping. Yeah, they're wager than love them. Yeah.

You're a classy guy, you're a classy man. Okay. I mean, I'm not going to tell Kim G. No, I love you, man. You know my face. You pay your bill. You leave an enormous silver tip. I do.

And you make your way up the escalators to war zone. And walking inside. I love that. Love that. Love that. The crone burn. This is nightmarish. That's

surely enough, when you all find yourself in the preparation room, the ready room, the war zone. We got to lock in here, guys. There are tons of vests hanging with corded rifles

that are connected to them. The gentleman who introduced himself as Biff is standing there. Now it's going to be dark. There are going to be flashing lights. So if anyone has a problem, No, no, it's fine. He's fine. Oh, right. Peg her own, I'm going to do the flashing light now.

I mean you get. It sounds like a... Those are no reason of approval. Keep the game start, please. Please, just... I have so much silver. There is one more thing. Make sure that you keep your vest secure.

at all times. You will use the rifle to fire your component. When you see the light, then you'll know that they've been hit. If yours starts flashing, then you'll know that you've been hit and you'll be out of the game. It's a traditional laser tag rules. How do we reload? You'll just push this red button on the side.

Also, if you hit this side, it's the grenade. Though you will swear that it does not work. I promise you. you. Never works. The grenade never works. So just use the normal firing as as instructed.

I will say that before we begin, there is some bad news. The other team that was five is a birthday party. One of them got a little sick. And so there's only four on the other side. You'll need to have one of your companions join that other team

in order for that to be balanced. No, that doesn't work. It's five v.4. If we give up one of our teammates, then it's still just five v.4. I'm just judging. by the age of Yvese versus the other. My hand starts to slowly go towards my sock full of silver.

His hand slowly goes down to when it's very clearly the time crisis pistol. I eye him up and I give him a little. Well, is melee combat encouraged? No, no, no. You only use the rifles when you're in the arena. This is not a place of such ugly violence. So just laser guns, not laser bayonets. Only a more sophisticated weapon can be used.

I think we're gonna have to drop throw between the three pork brothers. No, we're just sent pangorium, yeah. T2 value, but... I think if we send fagorone, she can't even keep a vest on. No, you see the way she's holding that butter knife? She's lethal! I don't want her on the other teeth! No, this is our one chance, bro. You're holding the rifle now. You've got the vest on.

invest on. We are family. She's just some girl from them all. We can do this. You're going to have so much fun, Spaupeggy. I activate the grenade. You push the grenade? Yeah. Okay, I need everyone to make a dexterity thing. I don't think I have a vision yet. Oh my god. Do I have... Okay, I got a 21. 21 for a deck saving throw.

Okay. When do I get primal leap or whatever? I'm rolling the level three. Yeah. I got 20. No, 21. That's insane still. That's good. I got 13.

No. 19. You all take the DC was 17. Anyone who got less than that takes the full 23 fire damage. How much? 23? Over half if you succeeded. Oh my God.

And as all of a sudden, from the end of this, 11, very real laser rifle, a blast explodes. explodes. Oh my gosh. Biff jumps out of the way. But all of you are... Biff? Is it his Biff? Yeah, his name is Biff. All of you jump out of the way as this actual literal explosion. I...

My apologies. Are you all right? You have to be careful with these things. These aren't... These aren't... Why don't you... No, I'm not around. I've been fucking exploded. The nylon weekers melted to my place. It's gonna be all right. It's gonna be all right.

I don't have any healing here. We don't have any medical. You know what you do? You are laser rifles? Yes, yes. What do you think you're about to do? You're going into a laser tag arena. The five of us have laser rifles.

I'm just like swinging mine around wildly. We need some brimstones pushpops. There was a vending machine just outside. It's only two copper pieces. I don't know. I'll go get them. I'll go get the brimstones. I go. I get them. I'm back. Okay. You come to a hay cop. Do we heal up? Everybody gets one. You are tempted by the kudos milk chocolate granola bars. I don't care. I don't care what else is in there. I get the brimstone. You don't want the pizza flavor bring you. You don't want the sunny to light.

You sure you don't want the flintstones. Oh, there they are. The chewables. Okay, you get the chewables and you come back. We long rest. Yay. My flesh is horrifically scarred. from the melt plastic of the windbreaker. You skip the Zima, you skip the high-Ecto-cooler, you skip the Philadelphia cheesecake snack bar, you skip the pink amoxicillin, you skip the Sobi green tea.

Oh, Sobi! No! You skip the Dengaroos. The Capri Sun, the Pop Tarts, the Lunchable, and the Push Pop in order to get the chewables. You all take a long rest. All right, are you ready, gentlemen? Yeah. You're gonna have to follow me to the other room.

I believe that you're the one who's going to the other team. We just kind of like... Put your towards the direction. We just kind of like give her a little shove in your direction. You wait in silence. You're doing great. For but a moment before you hear the countdown. The doors swing open and you're hit by a...

thick fog as it pours in. You can see flashing lights in all direction. The walls are graffitied with neon greens and pinks and blues, and you race inwards. Stay low. Okay, let out on code names. We all need code names. I can hear it.

She's lurking somewhere inside. You do hear the gurgles. It's a piece of darkness. Megaroni, she's in there. One moment. You can flag. Take it out. You don't see him.

anyone in your immediate vicinity, but I do need everyone to roll initiative. Oh, yeah. But you don't know how smart this party of 12 years old cars. They might be using her as a distraction to lure us in. I just rolling crazy high. I got a 22 for initiative. I have a 19. Oh yeah.

Do you have the little mores to have blog making? Oh, no, I don't. I'll pull it up. 22. I need to fix my stamps. Jesus. Which one are you going first? Oh, we're going to jump? I'll last, I think.

Oh, oh, sorry. Oh, Calamari. I'll let Calamari go first. Looks awful. That's where you are now. Yeah, no. Oh, the Lemur art in the fucking 2024, oh no, the 2024 boss are.

Set around. I agree. It's much better. It's so juicy. Don't put your pants. I can finally get an idea of how horrifying they are. Yes. In the 2014 art, it's just like, I don't care.

It could be like a weird blog, right? I'm not necessarily mispronance a lemur. It's Lemur. It's L-E-M-U-R-E. I just like, lemur is funny. Oh, right. I was picturing up, but you meant like a... You got a 16, you said? Throw like a blob. Oh, that is awful. That's atrocious. It's on a Nikki? Yeah. Oh, I got a 10.

10, thank you. That's going to go here. That's going to be... Who's going first between Gabaguel and Colomari? I got a 22. 22, so you can go first. All right. And then this, and then this, and then...

Then we're playing Dungeons and or Braggins here. Well done. Let's do it. Are these laser rifles? What are they? These are anti-matter rifles. So we're still doing 3D6? Uh, no. Anti-Matter-Rifels, which I vaguely recall you took the great weapon mastery of Gabagul.

Gabagool. Me? It's 68. No way. What? What was it? It's all of the laser tag rifles are anti-matter rifles mechanically. And I believe you took a great weapon mastery for it.

It's 6d8 necrotic. Holy shit. I'm gonna absolutely waste these idiots. Okay, everybody. We have our code names. We have McDreamy, McSteamy, McSteamy, squishy, poo bear, and Mr. Big. What I am?

Wait, I missed which one I am. You're McDreamy, you're McSteamy, you're McSteamy. Why am I mixed? Pooh Bear, Mr. Big, and Squishy. Oh, Pubey, puppy. So steamy, poo bear. Max steamy. You can't have the other mixed

them. I am sorry. Uh. Yeah, I want. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Should I pull up in any matter, right? That's what I did. Oh, yeah, let me pull that up. I'll quit myself. Oh, yeah, I didn't think about that. I was just gonna wing it, but I guess

We should see it you can literally add it to my equipment and I'm equipping it so Holy shit. 68 Oh Geez, I got plus four. I'm the nine live stealer anti-matter rifle No, it's very funny You should have gone to bitey toys Bidey Toys was very simple. You run through the squirrels you could grab whatever or a magic item from Table H that you wanted

and then try to escape the biting squirrels. That's very funny. Am I first? You are first. I'm fast. I dash it. I dark in. You're confronted with immediately a lot of information.

There's a ramp down. There's a ramp straight forward. And then there's a ramp that goes up to a second floor where there's a big orbit flashing. I immediately go up to try to get the high ground to see above the fog and see if I can rain hell down on these little shits. You jump up there and looking through the fog,

make a perception check. 13. 13, not quite enough. The fog is very thick. I'm exposed! You do not see anyone, so you can choose to perhaps get down or perhaps use the rest of your movement to go deeper. I use the rest of my movement to go deeper. You continue to sprint through.

There's a long grade on the back side of this that clearly wraps around the exterior of this large arena, and you make your way about halfway down that before you reach the end of your movement on your turn. Is there anything else you want to do? Hold my action to fire upon the first enemy that I see. You're holding. Gabba Gould. Okay, I'm going to use my cutting action to disappear into the shadows with my gun.

And I'm going to go stealth mode. You go stealth mode? And I'm going to, I'm going to hide. I guess I need to probably roll a stealth check. Stealth. Stealth. That is a 17. A 17, thank you.

I'll make note of that. And I am going to seek out someone while I'm hidden. You slowly make your way down and to the right. I'm trying to keep to the shadows, where the fog is closest to the ground's thickest. And I need you to make a perception check. Come on. 16.

16. You are backed up into a corner, and just as you see one start to cross a threshold into the center area where there are a large number of pylon-like columns. I see somebody? You do? I'm the... Surprise attack?

And... I'm not seen an attacker? Am I not seen an attacker? I'm an attacker. I'm an advantage. Sneak attack. Come on. Oh, yeah. 19.

That hits? 19 plus whatever. So that's 68 plus 2D6 for my sneak attack damage. Nice. You realize that only the sneak attack damage need be rolled. It's fun as it is to roll that many D8s.

These laser rifles have been overcharged. They always do maximum damage. Holy fuck. So six sneak attack damage plus my three is plus nine. On top of whatever. Six times eight. We all know how to do math.

64? 48, yeah. Right? Three times... Eight times six? This is 48. 48. So 48 plus 9.

48 plus 9. You immediately disintegrate this creature, but you realize just as you fire, this is not another consumer, this is not another party or anything along these lines. This is a barbed devil covered in spines. It's still wearing the same vest like you are. It has the same rifle that you have.

It just doesn't see you. And when you hit it, all that's left is this carapace of a skeleton that fall to the ground in dust and poofs out in all direction. The lights on the vest Blinking wildly Should have had your birthday party Somewhere else, little kid

Park dress you're up Oh me I am going to I'm gonna do that annoying thing That the shitty kid always did We're like he just sprints to the other side of the team and immediately tries to like get behind Somebody in like melee ranges almost

You go straight through And you would have actually passed the person That's uh that um Gabba Gould would eventually hit but in this moment you are able to dart forward and you suddenly are confronted by a group of them. There are three right in front of you. Oh, shit.

I'm going to shoot one of them, I suppose. Use the grenade. Use the grenade. Oh, my God. You can try the grenade, but it will be in action to try the grenade versus shooting. You've also been warned that it never works.

It worked with us. Except when Spot Peggy and Meatballs incinerated us. I'm going to just shoot. I'm going to shoot one of them. Okay. So the 48 damage plus whatever. Is the... Would I have proficiency in firearms?

As a barbarian? Probably not. Probably not. I don't believe so. That's 12 to hit. You were fighting with the door yesterday. That's a 12 to hit? It does not hit.

It goes wild, and all three fiendish faces turn to you. Their eyes burning. And I try to run away as far as I am. You start to turn, but that's... the end of your turn. Sausage, you're up. I also run deeper. I look for the high ground.

Getting it, Booban. Yeah, Booburn takes the high ground. You run up to the top of the same ramp. Following, he's disappeared at this point, Kalamari, racing down very, very fast. But you make it up there. I need to make a perception check. Hopefully you do better than I do.

You spot somebody. I had a secret weapon. Oh, yeah. Yeah, crushed it. 15. 15 is just enough. You look down, you look straight down over the area and you see a slow-moving slug-like creature

so you realize that you're staring down at head-groning. I want to see that one. 10,000 years. Nothing's like this. Her AC is 7. 14. 14. You always eat the best sinne of buns first.

Pekironi dies, taking whatever secrets she had with her, and not even a tooth remains to pour a boobers shooter onto. I would do anything for a boobber shooter right now. Wouldn't we all? I would sell my left nut for a boobber shooter. Pegaroni takes the full 48 plus damage. What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

I'm on the boomers! The only thing that's left aside from dust particles is a vest that's flashing red and a laser rifle. It's like cell. It's like cell in the cell song. There is one thing left. As the body turns to dust, you see floating down the wind a strip of four photos. Oh. No, I feel a little better.

What is that? We may not the boobabre but put you in nothing. We've made the most of the happen And they don't know To make a word of the money I thought it was like a hardened criminal I thought this way before Why isn't making

It's a deal they You know what I mean I get a draw A crime doesn't pay Batman man All right Forco There's no lines

There's 17 hit Nope 19 Wow That's the first one That one doesn't hit either oh god you're gonna you're toasting you hit bro natural 20 no you take the full it's over 100 damage it's 90s no no it's 96 plus

whatever they have 90s that's radiant right oh they're not for are they cheese no stochronic provision oh that's crazy talk I'm gonna add I'm gonna add I'm gonna add four just to get to exactly 100 it feels good mine's plus four Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don't know. I think I have some temp HP. I don't know. I need two days six, tenp HP, hold on.

Okay, let's see if you can reduce it by... This can make the difference. There's no way. We'll be fine. He's got to reduce it by 86. Oh, four's not quite 86. You know, he's eight two more. It's like the age.

I'm turning eight. Yeah. Four is not quite eighty-eight. Not quite 86. Four isn't quite 86. You take the full radiant damage. The overcharges. And what hits you, not in the vest,

but right in the day, fills and suffuses your being. What is your last thought before you were disintegrated into oblivion? I made the thought of his mistake. Ha! I shoot the beat. You disappear in a mistake. nothing that the vest falls to the ground. You're dead, you're dead, you're dead.

Kalimari, you're up. You are racing around the ramp and you are, you see this massive flash you hear. And you race forward and you can see that there are three of these Barb devils at the end. You suddenly realize what Gabagool is. You are fighting real devils in this

laser tag arena. You didn't get one of them? No, I didn't. Fuck. Am I still up around the same level as them? I'd say that you're against the wall you're coming down, this would be the actual foundation floor, so you would need to come down a little bit farther to be on their same level, but you're not as high up

as sausages right now. If I can reach them from where I'm at, I probably wouldn't move. I would try to get like some cover and just fire on them. Okay. I would say from your vantage point, you could pause where you are, get a little over to the side and lean over and take a shot at them. Okay, I definitely do that. I do exactly that. Plus four to hit. 16? 16 hits. Okay, that's plus four of the 452 points of necrotic damage.

52 points of necrotic damage. They are still almost sinisteringly hinting with laughter at the site of Porcos' destruction, and one of them gets hit by the back. It barely has the time to put its arms up before it disappears in a flash of light, and a vest hits the ground. The one gun man is king! And I pass my turn. Pass my turn.

Gabby Gould. I'm gonna use my mother's actually to hide. I'm crazy these motherfuckers, I'm glad my brothers are all the line. My kid brought a porker was 48 years old. Forty-year-old is a kid. Stealth, that is a 20. And I'm gonna sneak around. These motherfuckers, that just make the fucking war.

I don't look for him. Make a perception check to see if you can reach them in time or rather to take the right path is how I would think of a ten a ten you take the wrong path but you still have eyes on just the head of one it's a smaller target so you'll have to shoot at disadvantage but you all you are going to be able to take a take a shot so I'm unseen so that would balance it out yes straight I don't got sneak attack but we're not going on me to 13.

Oh no. You let loose this massive energy blast, flies, flies wide, hitting one of the walls. It explodes with a singe, and you can see even in the fog the sparks fly out, Starship Trooper style, but you do not destroy one of these creatures. Oh, oh. Saus, you're up. I run up the... I continue on my range. From where you are, you can follow in the path of Kalimari and get behind him, or you can just jump over and into the center of the arena, you just saw and witnessed everything that happened to Porcos.

Oh, God! A thousand years in hell! And this is my worst day! Duh! I leave to the center. I leave to the center. You motherfucking devils! Die, you cucked suckers!

You jump down. You are basically right next to where Borchos was standing when you land, and you have a clear sight of both of them. Taking one as a quick target, roll a hit. We killed two of them and begging? 18. Oh, it hits. 18 hits. Blam!

You hear that high-pitched wean of the laser emitting from its barrel, and it smashes into the creature. It disappears. Only the vest survive. Or you get to the abyss. Tell him the port bros said fuck your mother. High action surge. Oh, you did.

Oh, that's fucking... Oh, this could be it. I action surge. I didn't say I would fucking get it. Harder in no fucking battle. You fire again. Use the pork sausage. Use the pork.

I access to search again. Can my ghostly afterlife encouragement give me advantage? Can you give me advantage on laser beam strikes? I would say that we haven't used any twists all night, and you can use that as zero. ghostly encouragement. The smell of bacon hits your nostrils. Oh, wait, that's my brother, Cogan. No, that's my brother's, the smell of my brother fucking Cogan.

Do it for sheep, oh. That's all that. That's 17. That's 17. Oh, yeah, it's almost one. Blam. Blam, you both see these creatures disappear. You hear the scream of agony.

Porko's from the mouth of your brother's sausage. And you race forward to join your brother just as the last two of the other team fall. Looking around, you know that the rest of the team has been destroyed, Peggeroni and Blue. And you are left there in silence for but a moment before the lights come on, blinking. It's a very different place without the strobes and all of the lights. And you hear... Dumbull. Pork team wins.

It kills a little bit. Port team wins. Well, honed. Congratulations. From the top of the second floor, looking down at the center pit where you all find yourself standing, you seem to have lost your ally, but the three of you survived, and I will deliver my promise. What if you promise? I promise freedom from the 90s.

What happens to our friends? They've been destroyed in 90s hell They are Beyond death Oblivion Give me some push-pop No Do you grant wishes

Yeah you're a tiger man No You win the thing like this You get a wish But I do have the power to shift planes I can send you wherever you like You can stay here if you wish But as winners of my

Laser Tag arena competition the choice is yours. I guess before. If I make any decisions, I have one question to ask you. Yes, what is it? Is there a plane full of boobers? I was going to say big to the Amazon one. Yeah, boobers is good, too.

I don't see when I can wrestle up. And he snaps his backwards fingers. And suddenly you are. awaken wherever the most boobular place in Aventrys might be. Which perhaps we'll find out on another Tales of Troucar. A side story. An icebreaker. Where do the fuck this happened to be?

Sitting on a satin pillows is literally Mikey. What are you guys doing? And that's where we'll call it the night since. Yay! Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Aventures podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin Tier higher to unlock Shroud over Saltmarsh, a patron exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legends of avatrous.

If you want to chat about the episode with the Avengers community, join us on Discord at Legendsofaventures.com slash discord. We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, so make sure you follow our socials at Legendsofaventress.com slash social. and make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5E supplement published by us. Get your own copy at the crooked moon.com. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.