Legends of Avantris - Once Upon a Witchlight | Ep. 8 | At a Snail's Race

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

The krew goes snail racing...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/WxLNDG1fKlk?si=y6sE335VJ1N0V8vG

Welcome to Legends of Adventress. What a do? The name's Cremely Crew, and you're listening to Once Upon a Witchlight. Here's what happened last time. Torbeck's mouth grows two gigantic bucked teeth. Oh, no! No!

This is horrible. How could this happen to Thorbeck? He would say things are just going from bad to worse for Thorbeck. Um, just another day that ends in why. Rihada makes her, makes your, helps you make your way towards the Ferris wheel, all the while just completely talking your ear off. And it's going to be so great because if you decide after the Ferris wheel that you're completely in love with me, which by the way, you're not allowed to fall in love with me. Like totally don't. And she goes in and she plants and she wants a kiss on your lip.

Oh, God. Oh god. It's really awful. It's not me, it's you. I don't think this is gonna work anymore. What? Yeah. I just feel like you might be a little too inexperience for a gal like me.

Who can outstir the cyclops? Oh, fun God can. How hard can it be? All of a sudden you hear a booming voice. Oh yeah, that's true. Catch the dragon by the tail. Catch the dragon by the tail. You are standing inside of the darkened room where you had fought the, or where you had tried to find the fairy dragon that had been hidden.

The past hour or so going by and almost a blur, you had spent your time breaking pixie hearts. Tragedy at the Ferris wheel. Tragedy at the Ferris wheel. See, I can't even do it last time. with you guys. Reminds would just be like, you know what? Doormack.

Torbett already misses the Paxie. Heartbreak at the Ferris wheel. Pixie named Laslaw. No. No, her name was Rihlowe. Her name was Recoda, Cremie. Oh, Jesus, that's right.

Do you see what I'm dealing with? Do you see what the stable is like? Yeah, anyway, back to the recap. You had spent the last hour so wandering at the, wandering the carnival, enjoying what it had to offer, playing games. Kremi was able to get his unicorn Hornhorn, breaking Pixie hearts along the way.

A slow and emotional Pixie Ferris wheel ride came to an unhappy conclusion for one member of your group. As a Pixie known as Riata Flog decided that she was no longer interested in Torbeck. Even the god of the world doesn't remember Torbeck's name. But the heartbreak did not last long as Guy's Knight proceeded towards the Cyclops game. I did. Stare down a Cyclops, I can't remember what it was called, because brain fog.

And the heartbreak didn't last because there, the very back of the arena behind the Cyclops was an absolutely gorgeous Eladron woman. a woman of the summer fay. And she, it was Gideon who approached her first. And she seemed very interested. But sadly for Gideon, it was Torbeck that really caught her eye. I didn't know he's such a food and smooth fucking operative. And lucky, lucky for both of them this was the case,

because unbeknownst to Gideon, in the cockles of his heart, Grico was fanning the flame of low. That's right. Oh. That's one of the two us. Yeah. I'm so symmetrical. He's a smithical.

They were all successful in staring down the Cyclops with the date secured to spend time with Torbeck not wanting the Eladron's actual name. She gave him her alias, Laslo. Gregorovich. Yeah. We have to keep names out of it. It's much more mysterious. You can have my burner number. If you Google it, you won't find anything.

And they decided to meet in the North. Before the, before Guy's Knight proceeded to proceeded to they catch the, pin the tail on the dragon. portion of the carnival. And it was here that they met a very uncomfortable carny, who really did not want to let them in to enjoy their game. But eventually they were allowed in.

She's the Valley Girl who just wanted to keep talking to you and cry. Oh, yeah. That's what I had a bathroom. But they were able to be successful through a few turn of events. and eventually, in their victory, the Carney returned, not with their prize like they had hoped, but with a letter, a roll of parchment that was wrapped up, gilded and beautiful white and red,

striped like the tent of the big top, and a seal that clearly shows a pocket watch and a weather vane, a letter from Mr. Witch. She looks nervous. as she hands it to you and lets you know that Mr. Witch delivered it personally, but didn't want to disturb you in the midst of your game. You could pick up your prize on the way out, and she'd leave you alone for some time to read the message

and figure out what you would like to do. I'm still eating forward on the ground with a broken angle. I like to come up, yeah, that's true. Crammy! Who do they have? She had a letter to. The fairy dragon disappears and is no longer there with you.

You've won. You don't need to hold it anymore. But she'll hand it to Gideon. I'll take that. I got no use for it. Grigo, you take this. I'm going to pick up Cremant. Oh, surely this is a letter from

Mr. Witch inviting Torbeck to work at the carnival. Torbeck is on a heater. Is he still behind me? You're still behind you. You've been shouting about your uncle this whole time. Uncle Globo, I do you shout you.

And I chuck the letter, trying like a ninja star. And who? And Uncle Glorbaugh. He's wise through midair, I guess. Oh, well, for fuck's sake. Come on, Cremie. Let's get the hell out of this cursive tit.

And Graco's finally lost his mind. I'll pick up Cremie, go get the letter, and then follow Grico out of the, wherever the hell he's running. I'm running in a random direction as far away from Uncle Glorbo's shambling bloated corpse. As I can. There's only one exit out of this place.

It's the entrance that you came in. I am booking that. I'm not my ankle, look it. I figured. I totally. I'm like a horror turnaround. Uh, nah.

You know, I'm no doctor, but I think you're gonna lose the legs. I figured, well, can you at least take the stilettles off? It's unseemly for a lady of my age. Leave the gork makeup.

Uh-huh. You sure you want me to take the stilettos off? I'm not sure I can comfortably take them off without just putting you in absolute agony from your broken ankles. No, I think I can. All right, here we go. You do that?

You do that and it hurts. But your feet have swollen up so much from the breaking of your ankle that you can't seem to pry the stilettos. You're pulling and twisting and crying. But they don't budge. Okay, can you have access to my pack? I think I's a bacon grease in there.

What did you get them on? You glue them to your feet? What the hell is this? No, I've just aged 42 years. You're supposed to get smaller when you age. If you don't swell up to the size of freaking balloons. What makes you think alligators work the same way? That's fair.

That's fair. Yeah, I guess I'm not too familiar with the... etymology or, you know, whatever, if that's a delicious cake or what. Anyway, here's your bacon grease. What do you want me to do with it? You want me to rub bacon grease on your feet and your shoes? Oh, my God.

If you're offering, Dorebeck will take some. Oh, yeah. Well, at least Grico's not here to remember this. I take the bacon grease and I gently massage it into Crummy's feet around the openings of his delettos. You know what? To try and loosen the... You are...

Because that's absolutely disgusting and I hate that it's happening, it is successful. Judge Master, my mental picture is not being painted. I need a mental image. I need a description of what that looks like. Yeah, so you put crummy on the ground because you're going to need both of your hands for this.

As you pull a stool... It looks a little bit, like if this is his foot. Yeah. I don't need me to paint the picture. Mace is just really wanting this. That smells delightful. This is Mace's moment. Riding the crevices.

Getting that grease in this is going to loosen you right up. Right here, let it off. Ow! Don't enjoy it so much. Ow, no. I'm going to stop this. You're going to keep these tilettos on forever if you enjoyed that much. Are you sure your name has been Gideon Tarantino?

Not now. I don't understand your crazy pop. pop culture references, okay? Where the hell they come from? I'm trying to bacon grease his head. Yeah, you got TV in hell. No wine, but cable. It's only got six channels.

Okay. Hopefully you have the mental picture now. I very aggressively rubbed baking grease into Kremi's elderly feet. And you were able to dislodge his stilettos. You are easily able to pry the stilettos off of his swollen feet. Hartian is that we only have access to stall. It's with a Z.

That was as painful and as pleasurable as you can imagine. I'd like to say any time, but to be frank, never again. Oh, God. Old you is really fucking uncomfortable. I remember I also can't lie. Oh, God. On my neck here. Hang on tight and let's get the hell out of this twisted.

Just throw me over your chat. Oh, you show me last time. Oh, my son. You know what? Come on. Now I'd like, I would like to finally take Crummy, take the letter, leave this fucking. Ency.

Yeah. Ency. You find yourselves outside the, um, The witchlight hand that is running this portion of the carnival is currently in talks with two teenage half-elves and seems to be completely oblivious to any of the shenanigans that you are doing. And as you walk out, all of you feel a soft, gentle breeze that washes over you. Glitter trickles in with the wind. And as you breathe in, you feel rejuvenated as the fay curses that had overtaken you wash away.

Cremney, your ankles are still broken. You're not on your holes. What the hell? You can't put me down. Ah, get off the ground. You know what they don't. You know what they don't tell you when you rub bacon grease into a man's feet

is that you can't get it off your hands. It's not fucking covered in it. What? Wipe and what? Yeah, I don't know. Okay, I think this is just kind of spreading it around a little bit. Your back's feet, what hell?

Lots of fur. Oh, with the chill of the grave, I'll be back again. Hong Kong. Perfect. And with me. that you feel the fay curses go away. Gideon, your mind is no longer perpetually haunted

by the honking sounds of irrelevant information about the life of chuckles and his opinions on things. Oh, he's had the cold breath of Uncle Go-Bow, I feel fine now. I hope I'll get something fun. Roll on a D-8. And not one of those lame wooden wands that everyone keeps being cryptic about,

purpose of which I still don't understand. Seven please. You got a seven. You got a cuddly toy spider. As an action, you can stroke the spider to gain the benefit of spider climb. The spell lasts for one hour. Once used, it just becomes a cuddly toy spider.

This is the greatest day of my- Yes. Yeah, I got one of those. It's like the FEO Schwartz Erigo. Nothing goes like two. grand. I got it for free. I think the gods and the primal spirits that the fay don't understand the concept of commerce. Well, it was free if you don't count us cashing in on our dignity. Did that come before or after? Hard to say.

dignity I say with my sparkly phoenix feathers, my crop top, and my thigh high yellow go-go dancer boots. And your hands are covered in bacon beast, too. My hands are not bakers, and my hands are covered

in baking. All right, get picked me back up. Throw me over your shoulder again. Oh, for you got your ankles are still broken. Yeah, come on, come on up. Yeah, head first this time, though. You see where we're going. All right, what the hell is this letter say? I'll rip open the end and see what's in this

letter from Mr. Witch. You rip it open and the first words you see in very bold lettering. A beautiful script, Immaculate penmanship, is do not read this out loud. Torbeck cannot know the contents of this letter. Do you understand me? Says this one's not for Torbeck, you can't know. Oh, what?

Yeah, no, I guess he hates you. No. Show Torbeck. Getting in is whining. No, no, it's not, we're not. Shornbuck! No, you can't see it. It says right here in the script.

I can't read it aloud, but I can tell you that he doesn't want you to see it. Too unfair, Tulbit, you know how you said how you were just here for like a job? We're like kind of on a magical adventure to save, like, the Fay Wild or something like that. So, you know, it's not like you can't sit with us and you can't hang. It's just, you know, we're kind of in a different tier, you know what I mean? It doesn't hurt less, the more you say. At least you have a nice you have a nice you have a nice you ever know all of us are a bunch of single bachelor's

Oh right Alright get going and read it All right let's see what's the next line don't tell Well no I won't read it aloud but you definitely can't know The rest of the letter says the following Frost Frost is safe for now. Torbeck recently

in a drunken rampage stole the cardboard cut out of Clementine from the big top extravaganza. Her whereabouts is currently unknown. He believes he arrived recently to acquire a job, but

he has been paid multiple times for this past carnival extravaganza. He is wanted. You're You have been tasked with making sure that he does not leave this carnival while we work to secure the manacles that will be needed to lock him up so he can serve his time. We need one more hour before you may return him to us in exchange for Frost. If you do not do so, you will not see Frost again.

Oh, what's your idea? I'm sure what's good news. You are never going to believe with this letter says. Hey, sidebar though, Torbeck, hang tight right now. Sidebvre, come this way. He can't know. Okay. Yeah, gosh.

You know Clementine, his girlfriend? Oh, Clementine? Yeah, she's a very nice lady. Well, you're like girlfriend. Yeah, you know, I mean, yeah, you get it. Yeah. So he's kidnapped her from the carnival. She's not a, yeah.

Hold on. Before you continue this, Andy said, to me, Torbeck is pathetic and sad. Feel free to make his his exit. It's pathetic and sad as this is brutal.

Are you really? You cranked up to 11. This is fucked up. And so I thought, all right. Can do. So, I mean, you never get it. You never guess what comes next. I mean, so

his girlfriend at home, he's kidnapped from the carnival. He's a kidnapper. He's criminal. You know, I mean, this guy. It couldn't be a better end of guys, that's right? With a kidnapper. I'm saying this very loud. Yeah, in this sidebook.

Yeah, so this letter, I mean, you know, you tell you, really yourself, but, man, it's no fucking way. Not a, a, no. No. No. No. Oh, no.

You smelled this guy. There's absolutely a way. I would say, because Gideon asked me not to listen, I'm intentionally not listening, but I will still roll because he's loud. Well, I got a seven. So, you're nothing. Natural 20.

All right. Guys, you're not joking. Yeah, you guys, no, I really like Torbeck and everything. But the letter goes on to say if we turn him in, we'll get Frost back. I'm sure they're going to, I don't know, kill him or imprison him eternally. And I think that that's probably fine. I mean, I don't believe that. Tobeck would never, would never do that.

Just no. Yeah, you get it right. You read the part, yeah. I mean, how are we expected to choose between Torbeck and Frosty? Are you fucking kidding? Very easily. Frost can, like, explode people's brains

by looking at it. I mean, oh, can Frosty climb a Harris wheel quite easily, without breaking his back. I mean, well, hang on. I mean, it's got a fair point. Maybe we could sit, you know, we just weigh the options before we do anything.

I think this is, I think that that toolback has been framed, probably by that Kanku. Kanku, the Kanku terrorist. Kanku. Kanku. I'm glad that you clarified, Grego. You know, I had no idea who you were talking about until you told me. That's what I'm saying.

It's hard to keep it all straight. That's what I'm saying. I don't believe. But look, let's just finish guys now. I bet it was Jerry and Jerry's framing toolback. Does Jerry even exist? He's a sandwich guy? Yeah, sandwich.

I haven't seen him, I just saw a sandwich. Wasn't it your friend from eight years ago? Well, he was, but then I'm like, oh, can you give me some Latino sandwich? And he gave me something made out of processed soybean slop. Knowingly... The Jerry did I know would never ever subject me to an impossible. Look, maybe this Jerry guy is a little jealous of this new bug veteran town.

But I mean, this sort of implies that Torbeck's been here a while and not like the last two hours. So I will say the letter specifically mentioned that Torbeck did arrive on time, but he has been so drunk through the entirety of the carnival that he stole a cardboard cutout. He's gotten paid more times than he's supposed to and then showed up on the last day

with a fake resume trying to get rehired. Well, look, I mean, before we turn them in, we should at least show him a good time with old Laslo Dragovic. I mean, well, I mean, he could be locked up before that, you know? No, I mean. No, what, what?

Hey, he's a dangerous criminal. What, I mean? I'm not jealous. What do you mean? I mean, for you, it's 10 minutes. For him, it's like he'll never forget it. It's like the rest of his life. Yeah, it's been scarred. Yeah.

No, yeah. She have nightmares about it for as long as she lived. Comey, don't forget that your truth telling was the pact with a ticket. Because you got a new ticket. Yeah. Did I lie about something? Oh, I don't know. I just like chat say it.

So I'm like, oh, do you like a lot about something? Correct me, but I mean, for you, it'll be 10 minutes. It's a lifetime. I mean, you know, this is the time is the time important. This is about the, you know, it's about the fun we have along the way. Because I agree with Curry is that it's gosh not. We need to uphold the sanctity of guys' night and no bugbear left behind. Well, how about this?

How about we spend an hour. We keep doing guys night. We have great time. Mr. Witt shows up, used whatever kind of crazy power he has to recapture in Torback and send him to some sort of horrible fairy prison. And we'll just see, you know, what kind of evidence he has at the time. And if it's substantial, you know, I mean, even if it's not. Well, I mean, does...

Do you... Do you've ever rocked to an attorney? I don't think so. Devereught to due process? I don't think so. Oh. But look, does it really matter? I mean, we met Torbeck like an hour ago.

No, we didn't. We've known many of this. Oh, yeah. Not a lie, I just forgot. Then again, I guess if he does respect Krumme as much as he does, he has to be quite morally dubious. All right, let's just enjoy the hour and then we'll, you know, we'll turn them in. Yeah, okay.

To an uncertain fate. Are we in? Oh, well, if it, I mean, yeah, we don't really have a choice. I feel like Mr. Wichlock snap his fingers and we're like, you know what I mean? We all age, like, uh-uh. Yeah, we double in age, you break both of our ankles. Can you fix that, by the way? I'm sick a lot.

Just laying like this. Oh. Yeah. It's just like my shoulder talking. My eyes to stop. This looks like into two banana joe. You know what I mean? I don't.

I think that's the problem that he does. I've never used that phrase before. I'm not quite sure. Oh, just had a whole bunch. Did that work? You'd be 10 hit points, 10 good berries. 10 good berries. 10 good berries does that heal?

How? Well, you hadn't taken any physically, you hadn't taken any, like, damage. Oh, hold on. Let me just come. You feel a lot better. And then Grico starts massaging your ankles and breaking, snapping the little shards of bone. And you're pretty sure that they're probably never going to heal correctly ever again. The bone fragment travels up your bloodstream. No, it does. It faces your ankles. You're fine. Okay.

Nice, I did fine. Thanks for those bananas. Lainis. So yes, your ankles are perfectly fine. They have been healed. You feel much better. Okay. Oh, too, back, Garsnoy.

Oh, hey, guys. Oh, am I okay to come back? Yeah, come on back over here, big. You know. Oh, oh, are you good? I think I'm good. Let's try it. All right, good.

A little bit of banana. There's a truth. I'm gonna leave the shoes off. Hold on a bit up. Thank you for inviting Torbeck back to the group. Torbeck wanted to talk to everyone about something. Torbeck's getting pretty tired and might just go home. Thanks for everything, guys.

No, it's guys not. It's nice. And Torbeck is very tired. Oh, no, no. I'm going to be hitting the old Fay Trail. No, we got it. We got to, you know, it's God's not. We can't go to sleep.

No, but why? Why? You just want to party with Torbeck the coworker? No, you're a Torbeck. You're not a coworker. You're Torbeck the friend and collateral. You can't Torbeck the employee. Wait, wait, go back.

Torbeck the what? The friend. You now notice that Torbeck is standing very close to you. You call Torbeck a friend? Yeah, no. I mean, you've always been a friend. You're so good. We've known you for years.

Oh, do you guys call Frost a friend? Yeah, all the time. He's my best friend. Oh, are you so... Yeah, no, I'm questioning me. You don't have to answer so quickly. Frosty's my best friend, yeah, no, no. Unquestioning me, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And everyone I've ever knew, Frosty is me best mate. Well, then maybe Tormex's just ready to go home. No, look. No, you're still a friend. Not everyone can be your best friend. Kami, Kermi and Guilds are my best friends. Yeah, we got a bit of a hierarchy thing going on.

Kermi's my best friend, Grigo's Frost's best friend. You kind of just like slide in. There's no weird if. It's basically the fifth wheel. Yeah, it's a fifth wheel. Does that make Torbett Krami's best friend? I don't think it works that way. And I wouldn't even say friend, period.

Fuller employee. But that's pretty good, right? I mean, that's pretty nice. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's about a high phrase as you're going to get. I mean, you know, Frosty can explode someone's brain with his mind. Gideon can explode someone's brain with his palm. Boom. I have a very nice personality.

This would me, my mom always said. So, I mean, it's hard. It's a hard ball for Kremi, you know what I mean? Torbeck isn't beyond tearing some poor innocent soul to shreds for Kremi's best friendship. Oh, wait, I kind of want to see that, I mean. If he does that here, though, he's going to get a little, he's going to get shrewped a little before time of clock. You know what I mean? If we make the Faywai and we got a few fairies to kill, maybe we have Torbeck.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you seen how sneaky he is? I can't see him. He's literally right in front of me and suddenly he disappeared. Ah, where he goes? Oh, fuck! Ah! You'd think the stench would give me away, but it does. He's like a supernatural bushwhacker. I mean, that does sound useful. Something we're missing currently, but... Look, either way, you're not gonna go home, okay? You're gonna hang out. You're gonna party with us.

All right. What's next for guys? And almost, almost serendipitously, you hear, sound the chime, it's time to rhyme. You bring the poem, we'll bring the nullum. Come down to the gnome poetry contest and win a prize. I feel like I'd be pretty good at that. I mean, I feel like I normally would be quite a poet. I've written a few songs, but I mean, I would never rhyme poem with no,

Nome. Well, I mean, it rhymes. Maybe on the bag. Oh, gnome. That rhymes. Wait, is gnome pronounced noam? No, not gnome. I'm spelling known this wrong.

Like, noam is in know them and them is abbreviated to them or nomem is in like the little guys. Oh, I thought they were just saying. Oh, this makes Tormac's brain hurt. Kevin from the carnival was a gnome. I mean, he was a little guy, but, yeah. You know, he just, it's Kevin. I'm not disagreeing with you that Kevin was a gnome. He didn't even wear a hat.

I mean, sometimes they wear hats. We see him like standing around and gotten just wearing weird hats. Kind of weird, I don't know. Oh, yeah. We did have to chase off that guy. He kept standing in our turn-up garden. Yeah, and he kept like, you know, like creepily scaring away people because his back was turned, like fleece in the corner, you know?

Yeah, I forgot him. about him. He had a really weird hair. Anyway, let's go. Oh, is this another game? Yes, another game! Look at this giant spoiler I go. Oh, that's pretty cool.

Oh, no, I'm going to give it to Hootchy as soon as and I can rub it in things ever. Oh, wow. I think Torbeck would like to try if, you know, if there's time before Torbeck has to go home to Clementine. Oh, gosh, I can't wait to meet Clementine. You know?

Plus, Torbeck has been working on something that he would like to show Clementine and maybe could try it here first. Oh, like a dance? Oh, no, a poem! Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you were autistic. No. Torbeck.

Oh, you've been working on that exactly eight days? Torbeck's a little shiny. You know this. I mean, it's, I mean, it's quite romantic. that you're like, oh, I'm going to try to sleep before these different fake creatures and then go back to my best go ahead. No, that didn't happen. Torbeck would never do anything like that. What about, uh, what about Recoda? Oh, Rihanna.

Oh. Yeah, she laughed. Things didn't quite go the way Torbeck at home. What about license? The most beautiful name. Torbeck is still holding out hope. Perhaps if this poem goes well, Torbeck can use the poem on Lyslow first.

And we won't tell Clementine. Yeah, I like that it's kind of applicable to any situation, you know? It just kind of comes up. It's a, you know, reusable board. Well, gosh, I would, you know, I hope when I meet my woman that's my type, and it's he becomes my best. She's understanding in free spirit as there's Clementimes. Do you want to go first or should Torbeck?

The poem of the Clementine's on the first. I'm not going. I had a big post of salad. I'm not really, I'm not really, no, I don't know. Well, Torbeck meant the poem, but it is guys. You got a point. No, I'm so far. About a big pasta salad. You know?

Do you remember that when I ate poster salad, guys? Yeah. Oh, for one of the car from four of them had... Wait, you didn't do that. Yeah, I thought it was a big bowl of beef stroganoff. Oh, you know, I washed it down. No, you had some cake and you had some... Do you have any custard?

They didn't have the sauce he won out. No, they had that. I got the cherries berries, because it tasted like more. It tasted quite peat. You know. All right, anyway, what are the rules? Okay, Mr. Noam. Oh, so you walk up to the room.

Yes. You walk up to the booth, and you still hear the horn echoing out, once again, sound the chimes, it's time to rhyme, bring the poem, we'll bring the gnome. But the witchlight hand behind the, behind the barrier is very clearly half elf. And they look out at you and,

oh, you're coming in to do the poetry contest. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Well, some, I was. No, we're all gonna do it. It's God's not. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. The Torpec is already liking this.

I've been to a few clubs like this. Oh, yeah. So this is how it works. A five poem game. A person with the best three poems is the winner. You go, I go, you go, I go, I go, you go. You win, I'm done. You don't win, I go, you know?

It's against you. Yeah, it is. Torback might have to write a few more lines. Um, Torbac's starting to sweat. Oh, uh, uh, Oh, this thing's riding up, one torn back. Well, I think I should use my mousy makeup to look the part.

And I will have a fantasy, fantasy, turtle mac and beret. Oh, so you're using your disguise off, perfect. Oh, stick of candy please. Okay, I feel really cool now. It's one of those ones where it's got the powder in the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like smoke, yeah. Yeah. The pink painted tip. Uh, where's the gnome? What are you talking about? I was promised a gnome poetry. Oh, the judge. And you see as they move the curtain aside,

and you see a very plump gnome dressed like a king, sitting on a throne, eating what looks like what we would equate to like funnions. No. Um, and just eat. Fantasy funnies. And then, oh, huh. Oh, so sorry, friend.

Who? So you're gonna do the poetry contest? Yeah, well, now that, you know, hopefully you can put in a good word with the judge. I can't, I got it, I'm gonna switch the fucking voice. Anyway! Can I rob you with, uh, by assisting in your drinking habit? You see him fidget a little bit, and he, uh, he looks down at you, he's like, I can't...

Oh, that's right. No takes his back, she's got it, got it. Okay. Well, good to see you about me. and I can't do the voice because it's all of a sudden just turning into Harley Quinn. He doesn't have to deal with him not saying anything for a while. I don't know why that funny was always a strong silent time. He was always a strong silent type. How dare it? How dare it?

You guys want to take a break? Yeah, sure. Because I figure there will be poetry that needs to be written, so it's a good opportunity while we're taking a break. For you guys to write a couple of little poetry. They only need to be a couple of lines. They just need to rhyme. Doormack is ready. To clarify the rules, are you going first

or is the player going first? The player is going first. Okay. And so I will have to be writing them in response to what you say. And so you can either choose to have poems ready or you can choose to do it like a rap battle where you then respond to what I say.

Dormick would like to go first. That's fine. Torbeck can go first. Oh, that's fun. Oh, that's fun. All right. With that, it's time to get started with the poetry contest.

Oh, why do I love you? Oh, yeah, sorry, hold on, let me reveal the king and the king is revealed. Hey, the king, the gnome king. The Phanean crumbs all over his frock. Phanians? Yeah, fanions. And yes, you need to have your tickets punched.

Anyone who wants to participate. All right. You're gonna make me work really hard if y'all are playing. Yeah. Well, it's Gizniz. It's Gajnoy. It's Gajnoy.

Okay. Gajnod. Tungerick punched his ticket. Punched his wife. Ticket. What did you think Tomek say? Nothing. It's funny, I'll tell you later.

All right. And with that, she motions for someone to step up in front of her to begin the contest. Torbeck will be visibly shaking and stand up in front of this Elf woman. Yeah, half elf. Half elf woman. It is visible to all of the people in the audience that Torbeck is slightly moist.

He'll reach into his breast. So you are actually saying this. Torbeck is, this isn't something you're visually seeing. Torbeck stands up and begins to monitor. Torbeck thinks that he's setting the scene but is actually saying it out loud. He pulls out a piece of paper from his, Bunny suit Breast pocket. Yeah, he is definitely kidnapping murderers. It's all like crumpled and all I got he'll smooth it out

Okay, bro. It looks like a damp toupee Torbex poems are a couple lines apiece. All right, poem the only rule is they have to rhyme poem one Torbeck's favorite color is purple He loves to go and And he's not out there. He's died, what? Okay.

I need you to roll at disadvantage. I need you to roll a performance check at disadvantage for me, please, while I write her response. Say purple or something, man. I got a seven. I got a seven. No, that's it.

I trail off. And you can see, you can see that he's, I'm, Torbeck's starting to sweat more through his fur. It's really awful. Do we like clap for him or something? Yeah, you guys can RP between this. Oh, I guess we could just sort of, yeah.

Kind of our character for us. Yeah, yeah. You know, she looks up and she just kind of shakes her head. That's not a poem. I guess I'll show him how it's done. It's so much fun. Just make up lies and win a prize. Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Dormack has. changed his favorite color to orange. He, Torbeck, oh, not again. Oh, this time somehow Torbeck managed to roll of 15. Oh, you're a poet and you didn't even realize it was the face. She looks towards you and with the 15, you are able to meet it. As she, you see a look of sadness on her face. This is getting sad.

I'm feeling bad. It's slightly charming. I find that alarming. That was pretty good. Come on, Tormec getting together. Not shorted to Dormack dreams that he, is the spirit of a wolf. D'Orbeck.

Ghost. And Tornbegg's lights down into tears. And drops to one knee and just buries his head in his hands. Oh, laughing rhymes with wolf. It does advantage. Another seven. We can R-D together, remember. Can you time to write these?

No, no. Torbeck is almost wailing, like on the stage. You know, you're acting like a re-through piece of paper, but he's got another three-minute a second. Oh, man. Maybe we should get his eyes checked. Maybe, or maybe his penmanship is quite off.

Well, I don't think anything, browns, purple or orange. I mean, wolf you could have done. I mean, Grillo was saying golf, maybe like, oh. Not even wolves around. What? The wolf.

Like, oh, I'm gonna, oh, we're gonna get hit by a hurricane. It came from the Gulf. What's that to do with wolves? Oh, maybe wolves are avoiding hurricane season. And how about that? I think prizes are not in our future at this one, guys. I think we're gonna get it. I'll tell you, I'm not winning it for it.

So, I think that you actually would have quite a nice poem. Well, wait till you hear what I have. in the house. She looks towards you. The sounds are loud. He seemed so proud. Can he even read? You should take my lead. Take your time. At least try to rhyme. Oh, this is a little savage. This was a mistake on Torrance Park. To her back, we'll run off. Oh, yes. Torquette's turn to go again. I'm Torbick misunderstood the Shine man. I try to actually run this down, Jorick. Oh shit, I've got to pick up a few more things.

Oh, shit. I misunderstood. You can essentially quit. Yeah, Torbeck will cry and run off stage as he feels the hot stares of the audience on him. His tears strewn down his cheeks. Torbeck will hide in shame. That was just really serious.

That was just really sad. I guess I'm sorry, buddy, but you lose. Oh, Tulbeck! Oh, Torbank's not surprised. And you notice that the Gnome King, eating the Phanians behind her, puts on a foam hand that has a thumbs up, and he puts it in the down position, and the crowd laughs and begins to throw tomatoes out. Let's give it the snaps for Tollbag.

I got a football. Adacious T. Gazzanod. Pretty embarrassing. That was really tough to watch. No, it wasn't so bad. No, it wasn't so bad. No, no, no. The audience, you're gonna forget about it.

They're not gonna remember it in 20 seconds, Tulbeck. Execute him by order of the king. Oh, Torbank. Oh, Tormink feels like he really let the guy. eyes down. Don't all rest of the ones to make Torbeck.

You didn't know. That's exactly right. No, the only way No, Tulbeck. I mean, this by making us watch that. You know, that's something pretty horrible. No, no, no. No, we, no, because we didn't have

any expectations of you. So how could you let us down? I mean, uh, the only way that you could truly disappoint us is if you turned out to be a, uh, uh, a, uh, a few. a kidnapping, I mean, I mean, a drunk. Oh, yeah, no, you could, it could, it could, uh, it's okay.

You know what they say in show business, razzled as. Oh yeah, you have to break a leg to make an omelet. Dormack's gonna just sit here and contemplate his existence. Alright, who's next? Cremere me, I'm from Europe. No, I said I was going to last. No, I'm going to lie. Gideon, I guess it's you.

Oh, my dad. Oh, my dad. Yeah, well, I guess it's you. I mean, I'm not, I like, I feel less tingling now around you, but I still am quite impressed me. I think I'm gonna blow them away this time. Here we go.

Okay. What a do? My name's Kremela Krew, and I do love unicorns. What's your name? She lives at you and says, Slovakia, Rasmataz Jenkins,

pleasure to make your acquaintance. You can call me Falcon. That's a badass name. That's a beautiful name. My mother's name was not Falgian. My parents were hippies. I see. All right, who goes first?

You go first. Well, do you mind if I put a little bit melody on this. It's not a song contest, but as long as it rhymes. Oh, I will. You know I'm a gator and I say what to do. I'm looking to find a way to the Faye Waiwai in search of a better tasting roo. Please roll at advantage. And what's the staff bonus? You're rolling a performance Chuck. Oh, performance, that's a 20. And you guys, you guys can talk in the meantime. Oh, it wasn't that good.

You know, Colbeck, it's okay. Mr. Klamy is the voice of an angel. I'm gonna finish the rest of my songs for all five poems. It's gonna wait. It's gonna be his magnum opus. By comparison alone, he'd win the whole thing. Oh, we're not competing against each other. We're just, we're just,

We'll compete it, we're just against the judgment of old Bobby. He gave me a giant thumbs down. He did have a big thumb that he would always brag about. I don't know why. Let's just not ask questions. I don't know. Why would he... Oh no.

Even talking, it's disgusting. Doesn't happen very often. He's kind of a weird guy, actually. Especially when he would indulge in his drinking happens. How long have you known Bobby for? About eight years, yeah, now I met him last when I worked here last time. Oh, when you guys meet, oh, I guess he was at the gone.

Oh, Crimey, you're up, aren't you up like at the stage? Oh, no, no, I'm my back, yeah, no, you're up the stage. She turns to you and she says, I'm so impressed. You're so well dressed. But with that smile, are you not a crocodile? I sure love to cook, but you should pick up a book. Oh, what did you just say? You better get rid of this.

For another piece of pumpkin pie, I trade my soul. Just one more slice, and we'll learn why they call it a death roll. Yes. Please roll at advantage. I'm not Derek. 15. 15? 15's the DC. Talk. Just wait to the chorus.

Her response was pretty good, but Krammy won't stop now. He really is on a roll. He's really on a de facto. He's top of a goal. He's caught the poet, and he didn't even realize it was the case. You know? Yeah, well, it seemed pretty confident when he was going up there, so maybe he did realize it. Is Kremi? I don't, I guess Kremi's been kind of music. He always listens to that jazz stuff.

He's very charismatic. Yeah, I guess. He's pretty charismatic. He's definitely what Torbeck would describe as a smooth talker. You know, Torbeck, I'm really... Sean to fun of this to like lift you up. He's just making the real odds of me, buddy. Well. Oh, man. I suppose this is just another fault of Dormack.

Hey, which one of those poems were you gonna show with Clementine? All of them? Yeah, and you just didn't think to finish any of them? Well, Dorebeck's paper really just had bullet points. Do you know how poems work? Yeah.

There's like a structure, you've got to have rhymes, you gotta have. Torbeck understands that the real art and poetry comes from lack of rules as opposed to such hard structure and, you know, timing and format.

So you probably listen to the same jazz that Grammy does. What's jazz? She begins to look nervous as she looks towards you, Kremi, and she says, you may be on a roll, but this game will take its toll. You're clearly from the swamp. You can sing and you can chomp. But this game, you cannot win. It's time to finish him. I want to see you try.

Oh. I don't know these are like poem battles, you know? Yeah. Like all these just threats back. Yeah. I for the good life, comfort is my code. They gave us a house, a stock kitchen, and my velvet bath road. Yes, please roll. I'm very excited for Kremi's big finish.

21. Oh, he's picking up. She begins to think, and a hush falls over the five people that are here watching the contest. As the king stands up from his seat and puts his hand out to stop her, he takes his foam hand, and he takes his foam hand, and he motions it into a thumbs up. That is three in a row. She does not get to continue the poem. Cremie has acquired a clean sweep, and you are able to roll twice on the prize table. Oh, I just win. All right.

All you have to do is win three. I was gonna, anyway, I'll finish the song later, fellas. Don't worry. Torbeck is very much looking forward to that. Six and a five. Are there eights, the eights? Six and a five. Six and five.

You get a face paint, so a disguised self again. And you get another replica unicorn horn filled with candy. Oh, I got to do that. I'm a duicorn. Yeah, don't forget to eat the candy this time, though. Remember all the chocolate melted all over your head? Oh, open your mouth, good. Oh, yeah.

And this is why they're spam-faxing. Oh, yeah. This is why we're best friends. Yeah, that's right. We're just a couple of fellas. Eating candy. It's slam poetry contest. All right, I just crushed that, fellas.

What do you think? Trying to follow that. That was pretty good. Well, I can't. but I guess I have to. And they did punch a ticket. Yeah, I mean, we're already Puck committed, as they said.

Do you think it's too late to unpunched Torquette's tagged? I think once you go through the entire event, there's no turn it back. Oh. Yeah. Just a couple of guys being dup.

There's a couple of guys being dup. Okay. I think I'm ready. But you wanted to go last. I mean, I could go last. Are you ready to go? I mean, I got, if you want to call the phone, I got three, I got three strings of words that kind of rhyme.

I have a feeling to spot your rough and tumble exterior. Yeah. You might have a bit of a soft heart. Perhaps a little bit of squishy tenderness, you know. Why couldn't the next game of been punch something real hard and hit a bell high up in the air? I would love that. I think that's all a faecade. What?

It's all a façade. What's a fagade? It's all a ruse. I'm fucking talking about. What the hell? Are you feeling all right? A diskees. Torbeck's understanding less words than normal.

How few will. Well planned. God, you're a piece of shit. That's so good. You can see. You can't. Oh, me. You can see that her confidence

is clearly shattered a little bit as she believes in her poetry as you step up to recite. You just want me to start? That's how it goes. Oh, God, well. Keep them dead!

Because I just watch you lose, that helps a little bit. Swiggin'i-swuggedy. Thibbidhavide. Gideon, that's me, likes to gobbledy. Kay. Okay. That's so bad. What you think about that?

Please roll at advantage. Oh. Torbank did it. That's good. That's good. Oh, you just win. What kind of roll it? Performance.

Performance. 18. That was my best ball. That's pretty good. It's all downhill from that. Oh. Oh. Hey, kidding.

That was quite nice. It was. It was even more of an off structure with the cake at the end. There was a bit of a shock you wouldn't expect it. You're like, oh, what does he like to govold it? I don't know. It's like, oh, cake, of course. It was a little bit like an A, A, B, B, C sort of structure.

Oh, yeah, it's a little. Dorebeck would almost call that avant-garde. Oh. I got one that on a T-T-T-T-T-E. Yeah. The doorback would almost call that, Awwonga. He's doing this.

Oh, it's a little post-modern art. Here, I got a post-modern art to storm it for you. Here's my last banana. and put it on the ground. Oh, wow. Oh. It stands for fucking out something that rich people love. It stands for shedding the expectations of society

like a peal of a banana. Torbeck sees something about the duality of goblins. Oh, that's quite nice. My art exhibit. And if it's called more pieces. I'm alive. More than a here. Morena, one banana peel on the ground.

She looks towards you. You look like you lift. I'll give you a gift. Lay off the cake. The carbs are a mistake. Oh! You gotta give it to her. Oh, gosh.

That's the most savage thing Torbex ever heard. What the hell? Is she a ball? Because that mockery was savage. What are you doing? Bicious. Bishes. Oh.

Oh. Is your spine okay? Why are you doing that? Because it's cool and relatable to children. Oh, and relatable to children. I see. You suck. That's a good way to start.

That's not the beginning. I'm getting started now. Haunted by a clown. He makes me frown, but at least I'm comfortable in this gown. Okay. Oh, yeah, please roll at advantage. Oh.

15. I mean, he's kind of killing. Oh, I mean, he's doing quite well. Torbeck is proud of everyone. I feel like we're all giving it our role. I feel like we're all doing an adequate job. Even you, Toolbeck. I'm also proud of.

Man, yeah. And Toolback. And maybe you, Gregor, you might do all right. I don't know. I mean, he kind of cried and ran off stage. It's like the worst thing you could do in show business. I mean, but if it's for the drum. No, you always got to finish an act.

Torbeck was overwhelmed. Hey, you know, while Gideon's up on that stage, it gives Torbeck an opportunity to say, well, maybe if Frost is coming back, we can leave Gideon behind. What do you guys think? If we have Gideon behind, who would punch all the bad people's mind? And arms are like 10 feet long. That's a good point. That's a great point, actually.

Do you really need Gideon? What did you get? 15. All right, that's enough. I don't think we could ever leave Gideon behind. Just mull it over. If I had to choose between Gideon and Frosty, it'd be frosty 10 times out of 10.

No, I mean, I would choose Gideon over Frost, but that's not the question. That's ridiculous. And there's no chance, Storbeck. I hate to say it. Just, you know, maybe let this. Discord simmer a little bit and we'll see where we come out on the other side. Oh, Gideon's starting again.

She looks towards you and she adjusts her beret as she says, your clown joke was killer, but this ain't no thriller. Is this a setup in that hideous get up? One night on the town, you're sure to be let down. Damn. Man, she's a little nasty. Kind of like it. I wish I wasn't so good.

She's kind of monotoneous, though. I think that's her style of... That's her vibe. I'm just saying, you could have a little bit more pizzazz. Piz-as. Piz-azzo, you know what I mean? I don't know. I think it sort of fits that kind of Daria vibe.

You know what I mean? I'm from the music television network, you know what I'm saying? Oh, in the late 90s? That's part in the lives. Uh. Now, well, I'm gonna shoot in the hip a little here. You aren't very nice, and I hate ice, because I'm made a fire, always chasing my heart's desire.

Hopefully I haven't sired a whole bunch of kids. Oh, doubting the questionable paternity of a potential fatherless... That was quite the humble brag. Roll it advantage. Caught nose, caught nose. Yeah, you just went. 16. 16.

Okay. She, um, you win, but she's gonna respond anyway. Oh, God. That's a pre-closed. Because I started writing it already. Gideon probably should be sweating a little. Oh my God. That's a lot closer than doorleg.

Oh, Gideon. Oh, Gideon. Oh, Gideon. Well, was Booth and options? Yeah. To be fair, one of the options is neither. Neither state. There's four people to hate Gideon as much as Torpac.

That's pretty brutal. It's been a tough night, for sure. Oh, she's going to respond. Oh, well. Anyway, did you see he said the thing about ice and fire? What does that mean? Is that something Gideon does regularly? No, I'm just reminded when they said the thing

of like truly we are the song of ice and fire. Oh, no. Oh, you know what I mean? Oh, truly, and he said, oh, he said the thing. He said the thing. That's right. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Dr. Drinking all no, fangs.

Oh. And all the one ant's clap. All right. You're all eight monsters that were cute. There's crying ants. The king starts to stand up, but she motions to him. And she looks at him and she says, please. And he nods.

And she looks towards you. You're clearly a hymbo. Your love life's in limbo. If you ask for a date, you'd be much too late. How does this end? The girl picks your friend. Well, first of all, she picked a doorback. Nobody likes it.

Bricko, did you hear? She said Gideon is my friend too. I'm getting friends. I'm getting friends. Well, yeah. I can't wait through the other time. But with that, we're going to have fringe now.

It's okay. The king looks at her and smiles. But he does turn towards you, and with his foam thumb, he gives you the thumbs up. And you can roll, you got three in a row, so you also get to roll two times. Yay! Good job, Finn, Gideon! Gideon, you did a great job! Hey, thanks, everybody.

Three and seven. Three. You get a packet of pixie dust. So you get one packet of pixie dust, and you also get another cuddly toy spider with the spider. with the spider climb ability. So I think between you guys, you have three spider climbs, three toy spiders. Oh. There's a lot of different spiders here.

Mon is fluffy and orange with black markings out. Giant googly eyes and sneakers. That's all at least. That's exactly what it looks like. Are you ready to go downtown? She looks at you and doesn't even smile. What was your name, Holmesloss? Kids, are you all listening to this?

Are there children here? There's one. Child! What does it look like, or she? He is a plump boy, short, rosy cheeks, blonde hair, blue eyes, and he's currently sucking on a lollipop, and he is kicking a snail. Hey, chest of cheeks!

Let's leave that snail alone and listen to my sick rhymes. And I'm gonna snap my fingers on my disguised self. I will get my sunglasses back that Frost sent to the farm on the backwards hat, baggy pants in like a gaudy purple jersey. Are you ready? The chest of cheeks and also this elf? She's looking at you very confused. very confused.

Is still why you're trying to rap battle the kid? No, he needs to listen to my rap and I'm rapping you still. Chess and Chips need to pay attention. Stop kicking a snail. It's not very nasty to a snail. He's continuing to kick the snail. Or maybe, I'll turn more. You ready?

He just keeps kicking the snail. I'm talking to the elf. She looks at you and doesn't smile. She's just waiting for you to start. Get it in! Yeah. Hit it. Uh, hit what?

What? What the hell is he talking about? He asked you to do some beatbox, you know? Oh my, I hate when he tells me to do this stuff. I hate it. Why does he think I'm gonna go along with it? Because he usually do. Yeah, I mean, but damn it.

I just, I don't like it. But I can't, what am I going to do? Hang about to dry? No, you can do what I do. It does not do it, but you always do it. Dry, I just like... Comfortable. Okay, all right.

You know, what? what? Here, butchum, bum, bum, bum, butchum, bum, bum, butchum, boom, my name is Jekko, and I'm here to say that you can hang with your friends the responsible way.

Listen to your parents and also disrung, and make sure you get better supper on time. I can't snap any louder. But my heart is snapping like there's no tomorrow, Mike. Yeah, you can easily roll at advantage. Incredible. I cannot wait to get the rest of this.

At advantage? What the role is this? Performance, charisma. I think you're proficient in. I'm not a person in performance, but that's still a 15. You fool. Tested cheeks, pay attention.

You can talk. I'm a tourback is waiting on the edge of his seat. for more. I think he'd learn that one at the rat's child's casino. Yeah, the child's casino. Yeah, definitely picked that up there. Dormack feels like if he had this kind of direction earlier

in life, then maybe Torbeck wouldn't have turned out to be so Torbeck-like. I mean, probably. Did you have any, like, strong rental figures in your life, Toolbeck? Nothing but despair. Well, that's too bad.

Yeah, I was kind of considered, well, no, maybe you would have turned out better. One can only guess. Why does he keep shouting chest of cheeks, by the way? I don't know. Is that part of it? Looking at that kid or where they

keeps kicking that snow. He's kicking the snail, like way far away from him? Do you guys know that kid? No, we never seen that kid before. I mean, I don't think. We know that kid? No. Well, he's just trying to enjoy the conval, but Grillo sort of column and out. Call him and came out and put him on the spot.

You think this is part of the, you know, like he thinks from the child's casino, if you're to do like a rap thing and he does the lean and he's got like this weird outfit on that would never be stylish on anybody and it's really embarrassing. Well, there's a time and plays for it, you know. Was there? Well, that's what he thinks. Yeah. Well, but you think that for him to think believe that he has an impactful poetry, it's got to like, you know, impact the youth of the nation. Oh, I forgot my bleed. She looks up and then she looks to Gideon and she winks and she says,

Can you do it again? Drop the beat. Oh, oh, Jesus. Let's go! Home girl! Let's use the mouth this time. What do you want? Like a different beat, the same beat?

Same one's fine. Buncha, bum, bum, butchum, bum, bending yourself to 45 degrees, putting on a hat and rolling up your sleeves doesn't make you cool. doesn't make you cool to kids or dads, your rhymes are weak and you're behind on the fads. Torback, bam, bam, bam, bae. He's shooting our v over there. Everyone at this carnival is weirdly good at rap battling.

Who could have predicted that it would have gone from so horrible for the greatest thing we've ever heard? You told about build down. Okay. Get in, hit it. Sica, sicken, woo, eat your vegetables and drinks your milk. Don't talk stranger than they creep be ill. Get eight hours of sleep,

each and every nod and illegal substances should give you a fright. Oh, that was incredible. Yeah, yeah. You know, it makes me want to be one of this ever more kind of single child. Yeah, well, it's also why would he lie on? More advantage. I mean, I really having fun on guys tonight if you're not imbibing illegal substances. I don't know, Gideon, that almost makes...

21. Tourteback, I want to stop huffing pain. Oh, that explained a lot. Oh, oh, my man. Yeah. Well, too bad that kid's a loss cause. I'm kicking the heads now. Yeah.

Something ain't right with that boy. Tests of cheeks. Anyways. Now, how do we even find that child's casino and that rat man that ran it. How do we find anything? I guess that's at this one. Stumble across it in a stupor and there was.

I think he got ran out of town too. I can't imagine that still exists. Yeah, well, I mean, with all the lessons he was teaching them. I don't know if he actually got out of town. I think he met, you know. Do you guys? Anyway. No, stop.

You think he retired early? Yeah, I think he retired. It was helped along by the local townsfolk, if you know what I mean. Oh, I hate, well, sometimes the local townsfolk are fine, but once they try and retire you, they're really a pain. And then you got to deal with them. Farms overrun. It's so much business they can handle it once, you know? Yep, you know.

Oh, you're saying toadbeck's up. Oh, I don't need to cut you out. No, Torbeck was, it's all right. Torbeck was thinking, we don't have too much longer for the whole carnival left, and but maybe we could take time and you could tell Torbeck all your crazy adventure stories. Well, I mean... Guys Night doesn't have to end too early, right. Guys night!

Guys night! I hope this is the last one because this is all I call. We got about 43 minutes left. That's not least specific. Why 43 minutes? Oh, I just watch on. Yeah, I just sometimes I like to look at it and just reference time. Is there a hard cut off to guys night? I don't know why I did this to myself.

I did this to myself, this is hard. It goes not as APM to question, Mom. She once again looks at you. Can you do it again, Gideon? I'll give you an extra prize. It was more cool, cats and boots and cats and boots, you know what I mean? Sicker, sicker, sicker.

You're the stranger that lives in the van that peddles the candy, the boogeyman. You've worn of the drugs. You're giving them fright, but you're the monster that goes bump in the mess. She fired back, Rico! No, but no. Soft fire!

Are you just gonna take that? He kinda looks like a van looking straight. Look at him. She fires back. Okay, kids, this is my last ammo. Hit it. Um, okay. And don't skit stool say no to peer pressure, yo out.

Let's show out to fool. If you heed my words in my related bonh hatch, we'll go get some pieces from a casino in a rat. Advantage. I'm twisting. Roll a D-100 for me, please. I'm twisting. Oh, boy.

I'm twisting. That's three. You keep twist. If you go to five, we'll use a poison corn. I'm going to twist. Is it four? I'm twisting. Make it a poison coin.

Now this is five. One whole poison. That's what they're there for. 16. Okay, that wins. Well, I guess she doesn't have to respond. Redemed. Oh, 65.

Well, because you won, she doesn't have to respond. She doesn't. She doesn't, but I kind of want to. She did last time. I know, because I immediately thought of rhyming hymbo and bimbo. It's kind of vindictive against me. Okay, fine, fine, I'll write another one. God damn it, but this is the last one.

Well, roll all your D100 With all your Fankersons. Yeah, roll like 8 D100s and keep it down. Torbeck doesn't envy you, which is pretty rare. He references the rat at the child's casino and is overcome by Oracle. Fakers.

The fiber shake. 5.5. 5.5. Hey guys. This podcast is brought to you by our Fainter. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of avatris and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas, shroud over saltmarsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com and

pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror dome for Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition. And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice and miniatures and plushies, a tarot deck and more. Torbeck thanks you. This is just really rough. This is why you win. She's a bump,

she is. She is. Bump, okay. Alright, here we go. She looks. She looks. She looks up, and she looks up,

and she motions to you. Yeah, I got it. Boom, boom. Boom. Listen up, parents, and hide your kids. This guy will take your children right from under your lids. He's offering them sweets to leave their home. He's hiding behind an innocuous poem.

He'd take them down to the child casino, but the candy's no sugar, it flows through you like Bino. I think she just accused me of being a pest. I feel like that slander, and very not appropriate. Don't listen to a tub be chest of cheeks. And with that, you get to roll twice on the table.

Thank you. Congratulations. Holy shit, that was a lot harder. than it was in my head. You busted your butt to get that. That was crazy. Nice job. You were like creating like 14 poems

and I was struggling to come up with music beats three times. I had three, three burns of a beat and I was like, no! Why force you to do this? What did you get? 8 and 2. 8 and 2?

Oh, no. For your 5. No, for the D8. The prizes. You receive a glove. in the shape of a wizard. That's it. Hi, everybody.

No. No. Maybe you want to make that. Everybody. No. No. Okay. Mace is dead.

Just the term glove puppet somehow reference to Mikey is like, oh my god. Don't move your fingers like. Yeah. Hey, no, I'm not a glove. No, my special move is the glove puppet. Oh, uh, oh.

It's a docky matinee. I got a glove puppet, right? It's a glove bumble. It's a clashing new cubber. Oh, no. No love without the glove puppet. Hey! Hey!

What do you think Shadow Fex is text? And what else did you get? Uh, it was a two or three, eight and two or three. Uh, two? Uh, you get a wooden wand with eight charges of Presididination. Classy. What was five and six?

Five is a replica unicorn horn filled with candy. What's six? And six is the disguise self face paint. And then Mace, you can also roll on the carnival prizes because she offered you an extra prize of foodie box. Everybody except for toolback gets two prizes. Oh, I got three. Oh.

Seven. Another cuddly toy spider with a use of spider climb. No one has rolled a one. That's interesting. Oh, wireless wizard. Looks more like a USB jungle goblin. And with that, she looks to all of you. That was

really well done. Thank you. We all did great, lads. Well done, everyone. You were some challenging opponents. More fun than I thought it was going to be. Okay, as I step off, I feel the magics of the Stay wild, hit me out once. A banana truck, too, wow.

She looks at you and she reaches into a drawer and she pulls out three blue ribbons and she looks to you, Torbeck. And she looks sad as she then reaches towards Grico and hands him a blue ribbon that says, I dropped a beat on the Carnival Street. Oh, yeah. Drop to beat on the Carnival Street.

That's pretty shy of that. Oh yeah. Looks quite nice. You all look quite a lot. Do they all say that? Are you sure there isn't one for Torbeck? You cried to remain off the state. Yeah, I mean, you definitely dropped a bit.

She looks at you and she reaches in and she pulls out an orange, bright orange ribbon that says consolation prize. Oh, participation. This is the only prize in award, Torbeck has ever received. It's like consolation prize rhymes with a orange. I go to pin it to my bunny suit. There it goes right there. Are you believe? There's a lot of blood.

I can feel all the pride. Oh, are you okay? Yeah, Tormex never been best, the best day of Torbeck's life. All right. That's caught a stream coming down here. It'll start to slow. We have a date with Laslow Gregorovich, we gotta go catch.

That's true. We'll see you soon. Oh, you're not gonna head over to the snail races. Oh, we can race on snails, that sounds wonderful. They're about to start in like five minutes. Oh, well, good bar, mysterious rap battle. Hey Gia, what time is it? Well, it's 43 minutes until Torbeck, I mean,

To the time. Yeah, 43 minutes to time o'clock. Time o'clock. Is that correct? God of the world? How much time we had? Yeah, I would say about that. Do you think we have time for snail racing and then get up to the north?

I think you have time for everything that you want to do. There's always time for snail racing, all right? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is I get hit by five curses. Oh, shit. I forgot. Thank you for reminding me.

Okay. 65, 75, 72. Hold on. Can you please go. What is that? I roll a bunch, so. So 65. Yeah, in case I need to, I can just go to the next one.

All water tastes oily. Ew. Oh, that's awful. Okay. Okay. Can you grab me a Celsius oil here? Yeah, it's okay. I'm good, thank you.

I'm good. Okay, continue. 25. Ridge preference. Whatever. Suddenly, you only find trolls attractive. You are, you are, aggressively seek out a long-term relationship with a troll.

Oh. Mm-oh. Mm-oh. That's certainly won't have you, though. Uh-oh. Doormack seems trouble in our future. Continue. 72.

72. Okay. Um, where are you? To allbeck is basically have troll. You believe that you are the great, you, are the great, you believe that you are the leader of a great kingdom. You've been ruling for 10 years,

and you're afraid it will fall to ruin. This is great. Completely new characters. Yeah, fantastic. Okay, 24. Didn't you just do that one? 25, I did. 24 is new.

Everything you eat tastes like, oh no, sorry. Oh yeah, no, that's right. Everything you eat tastes like chicken. Mm-hmm. So you boiling that with the food. than chicken taste. Okay.

It's not so bad. 34. Is that the last one? Uh-huh. How many languages do you know? Um, I believe two. Which are? Goblin and Common.

Oh, hold on. Oh, I know Giant and Jewetic. And Goblin and Common. Goblin in common. Roll a D4 for me, please. Roger that. One is Goblin. Two.

Hold on, I'm gonna have you roll after I announced these. One is Goblin, two is Druidic, three is Giant and four is Gondon. Three. So that's Giant. Yeah. Anytime you hear Giant, you believe that, or anytime Giant is spoken to you, all you hear is screaming. Okay. Jeez Louise. I mean luckily that's not gonna happen, so. I'll step forward I'll say something has happened what you mean?

What you just won that rap battle? That's happened. I must produce an air. What? What the hell? First and then torn back and now you're going to go? I know it's gas night and everything, but... I have no air, Cremie. What would you even leave in air?

Like, your flutes? to fuck a troll. What? Cricko, you've been acting very strange all guys night. A troll? Yes, the decade-long war we've had with the trolls has almost destroyed this kingdom. What the hell are you talking about?

And so I must marry. I needed to release all of that, D. He could continue. Oh my God. I must marry a troll to unite our houses and finally bring peace to this war-torn kingdom. And also, sire a half-troll, half-gobbred. I know I said this before,

but Gricko's really lost his mind now. He goes against everything you ever said you stand for. You're not ready for a committed relationship. Yeah, we're not interested. That was Grico the boy. That was 10 years ago, Gideon. I was like 10 minutes ago. How little you know of goblin politics and troll politics.

What? I thought I was just supposed to screaming in a court and then nobody knows what the law is, and then somebody just picks. That will make things difficult. The language of the troll's giant sounds like hoary screeching to me. So my wife will surely be someone who I cannot stand. I must fuck her all to say. For what it's worth, Clementine can't stand, Torbeck. So that's probably the norm for relationships. Is Clementine troll by the head?

No, why do you ask? Oh, I just thought we could kill two more than four stars. I don't want to just fuck a troll and say goodbye. I am not the kind of ruler who would hit it or quit it. Yeah, no, of course. Why? Why not? Just fucking draw and leave. Yeah, no, I must have a long-term serious relationship. We need to discuss an air. We need to go on date nights.

And we'll have to spend time together, quality time. And by that, I mean, sitting on the couch and ignoring each other while we watch Netflix. Because that's the only hobby we have in common. That's very mature. Like a real, real relationship is the only way I can save the realm. That sounds like a fucking living hell. Do you think this is something he learned from the child casino? Like what the hell is even happening right now?

I'm just from, I don't know, really sad trolls. I mean, have you ever met a troll, Grico? Yeah, the troves are the harpeas and the trolls of the swamp. Yeah, that's how I know giant. It's all I've known a lot of trolls. Have you seen the... Have you seen a troll woman? Please elaborate.

I mean, you know, you know what I mean? Like, oh, oh, you know, I mean? I mean, it's like, you know, have you seen like a, have you looked at a bowl of oatmeal like, like, thick of the neck, you know? That makes interesting. Yeah. I mean, you know, if she's like, you know, 10 times my size, and I say, ho-ho-ho-h-h-ha.

And I must do it to save the Ailing realm. realm or else the small folk will rise up. I got my tax advice from this white horse. Name what? His name was Schmatofax. What kind of name is that for a white horse? I don't know. He had a very interesting tax policy and I feel like the peasants are not too pleased with it.

How come every time we have to deal with finances and some sort we get a consultant that's just an idiot. I don't know. I don't know, you know, but I must save my kingdom. We must fall in the troll that I can...

It will be a political marriage. I mean, he's finally lost it. Yeah, I don't get him that conclusion years ago. You clearly have no sense of duty to the realm. You don't understand what kingly responsibility is. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You don't understand what kingly responsibility is. You're rats in a swamp. And I also must fucking troll. The poorback is of the deep belief that you can probably learn to love each other. Oh yeah. Is something wrong? I must slake my first with wine. I need to find a funny, a funny man to say I'll drink in no things and take very bad advice from him.

in the last couple of seasons. Oh. Well, Torbeck could use a drink. Harse realities of that poetry contest really brought Torbeck back to Earth. Perhaps I can get this taste out of my mouth and replace it with the taste of troll. Can we just stop talking about trolls, please?

New policy, all right? No troll talk. No troll talk. You understand? But, Grico, I must save the realm. I must unite our peoples and make our house strong. You're Grico. He doesn't even know his name anymore. He's completely lost it.

My name. Don't you say it. Don't you say it. Don't you say what I think you're going to say. I actually do know what I'm going to say. My name is King Shembulon. I am King Smebulat of the Goblins. That's a very noble name.

Oh, well, thank you. Lord Torbeck. Torbeck is a lord? You may sit on my high council. Oh, Torbeck would be honored. No, one of the kingdoms in ruin. What is that supposed to mean? Well, he put you on his high council.

I will make you master of laws. You couldn't rhyme with wolf. You are such a law-abiding citizen. You will bring great order to the realm. Do you forget about the letter? Remember that? The letter? You're not Grico.

I guess I'm not really understanding. Like, Gritwold, Grimmy. Do you know who Grimgrimgrin is? Cnail racing. No. No. No. I'm talking about cursed to fuck.

I believe the wild of faith fried my smoke-goblin bread. Okay. Why don't we go? to the drink cart. That's the best idea you've had all night. We get you some wine. Three drinks at the snail, crazy. Let's go get some drink. You need some wine. We'll find you a troll. That's very serendipitous. Ah yes, Gideon, I will make you more master of coin. Great idea. Let us go. What does that lead for me? You can be master of ships. What a what?

What's a comprehensive kingdom he has here. Coins and laws seem like a big deal, but ships. Every good kingdom needs a ship, especially a landlocked kingdom like Goblin Tokyo. I see. We have a very large lake, a ceremonial role with no real responsibilities. But I still get paid as a lord or something. Yes, and it's a great honor to your house. I could probably live with that.

Yeah, I mean, to me, it seems like the kind of thing you'd like. And once we bring prosperity back to this. realm after I fuck a troll I just stopped saying that. After I have a very nice long-term relationship of the troll with the sire and air and unite our houses.

You'll experience prosperity unlike why is everything so oily and chickeny like chicken grease? Oh yeah. Do you get the bacon grease on your hands but chicken grease? Do you get

some in your mouth. I used to be eating like fried chicken skins and like not that even the meat. Oh, that's the best part. And why are you making that thing? Because it tastes

that. It's because of the troll? We go to the snail race. Are you sure? Yes. Sure you know, I want to just tear you know.

We go to the drinks first. Let's get some drinks. Free drink, free wine, at the snail. You made your way towards the snail race. And as you're entering and filtering through, there are tons of people heading this way. You're actually surprised by how many people are here. It is like going to the jousting tournament at a Renaissance fair. Just like the great Tonies at Goblin Topia. The Tarnies they haven't Gobontopia.

Great joust followed by the melee Master of coins What are they riding Goblin toby? Like what do you ride when you joust? Is it horses? Or horses do all your taxes? No, we all They just do taxes Yeah, all we do is take financial advice from horses in Goblinopia Yeah, yeah, it is all we do like like unusually large rats or something

How did you know? I mean, you are all my eye counts. You're the master of glory, and of course you know. You are my hour account. Where is my hand of the king? Frosty? Lord Frostington. Lord Frostington, where are you?

He would know what to do about this chickeny grease. Is it that puppet maybe? Maybe that's Lord Frostington. Oh no, this is the Grand Master. Hey, have you ever thought about doing leeches about it? Oh, why is counsel? Lord Goodberry. Anyways, here's my fucking ticket, please punch it.

What are we even punching the ticket for? We need a trip card or what's going on? And as you hand your tickets out, the person behind the counter hands you a flagon of mead or a goblet of wine, depending on which you prefer, and looks towards your tickets. tickets. Did you, did you want to, did you want to observe or were you looking to participate? No, we're gonna ride, we're gonna play. Oh, that's, that's wonderful. We have, we have four, we have four snails available that are, are without jockeys. Oh, well, how sound it is, fella?

The king does not ride an attorney. Yeah, he's gonna ride, we'll force him to do it. You're a king? Yes. Oh, is king, Shmabielok, or Goblin Tope. I'm sure you heard of me? If she attempts to curtsy, it's not very, it's not very well done. He's really a role play. Just go through it. Why does the air taste like chicken oil? It doesn't, my king.

Serving wench, bring me my wine. Yes, yes, my king. And she passes you a goblin wine. Someone who respects their king. Do you have you seen any trolls? I've had any trolls around. Oh, funny, funny you should say. I'm not sure if they're a troll necessarily,

but Snarly, one of the other jockeys, I believe is Trollkin. Trollkin won't do. It's got to be a full troll. Troll kin farting small. She looks at Gremi and Gideon and Torbeck and then looks down at you and goes, oh, okay, right this way.

And she opens the door towards the back and begins to lead you through the area. The grand stands next to this race course are filled with cheering fairgoers, ringing bells, swinging bells, swinging rattles, and waving flags. On the starting line, eight giant snails are having their shells scrubbed by pixies. Above the circular course, a wooden gang tree hangs from the branches of a central tree, where two goblins officiate the proceedings. You look around and you see that four of the snails are jockeless. The other ones have riders that are being helped. Each snail has a color and three pixies that seem to be specifically for that individual snail,

helping their jockey to mount the snail and get prepared for the race, give them the rules and things, et cetera. You see that there is clearly what looks to. to be an older human man. There is what, based on the way that they clasp hands and then separate to snails, his wife, a human wife, as well as someone that does look like they could potentially be a trollkin.

And there is also one very stout dwarf. Bodacious G, Lord of Laws here. Torbeck has a question regarding Are these snails big enough to hold someone, say, nearly eight feet tall and 400 pounds? Yes, they're giant snails. All right, bodacious de-rest. They can hold up to three tons. Oh, that's impressive.

Thank you. Hey, if I give you two gold pieces, will you tell Gricko that Snarly is a full-blooded trope, just as a favor for me? Roll a persuasion check. Ah, this far-off kingdom has very oily chickeny wine. 18. Yes. She takes the gold pieces and she looks at the sheet. Can I get your name please?

I need to assign you to your snail for the competition. This tourney is being held in honor of the visiting king. King Shmebulk of Goblin Topia, I'm sure you've heard of me. King Shemabulok, I am looking at the roster here and it looks like Snarly. Snarly is full troll. Oh!

How wealthy is her house? If she wins this race in honor of you today, my lord, very wealthy. And she looks to you, Krami and wink. She would make a fine queen for Goblin Topia. Perhaps if she wins, I will betrote her.

Better and wetter. We shall have the finest wedding that Goblin Topia has ever seen. Lovely. Can you roll a D8 for me, please? Me? Yes. Oh, God.

A two. You have been assigned snail number two. Nimbledfoot is a snail's name. And your color, my lord, is blue and she passes you a small blue, a small blue cloak to pin around your back. It has the number two on it. It will match more ribbon.

Good snail! Snail number two, you will race quite well. Shelly moo. For King Smebuluk. Wait, is Nimblefoot or Shellymo? Oh, sorry, nimblefoot. You're nimblefoot. Snail's got a lot of names.

Snail number two. You're king. You're not even at the snails. She's pointing at the snails from the fire. The flood of the trolls. You know, we've made a woman and saw this for a fucking decade. You're in Robert for happiness.

Start the race before I piss myself. And it opened the feet. killed, Gricko. Oh. And can, uh, excuse me, sir? Can I get your name as well, please? Yes, it's Bodacious T, Master of Lars. We don't have that many words.

Can we just call you Bodie? Yeah. You're used his full title, serving wench. In the name of your king. Yes. Yes, my lord. And she clearly writes down. on Boie on the list.

Can I have me roll a D8 for me, please? If you get a two, re-roll. Okay. My kidney's hurt. Boadie got a seven. Oh, lovely. Boadie, you are going to be on breakneck and your color's red.

That's all it is. Good luck. Break neck. Break neck, I mean leg. Break neck. Oh no. Oh, Torbeck gets a bad feeling about this. And your name?

Yeah, it's Feefei Nix, Lord of Coins, but not really just for a... Master of Coins. Master of Coins, but it's a... It's a... All right. Lovely. Can you roll a D.8? Oh, one.

Gideon. Seven. Roll again. I'm on with Torbeck. This is a 10. Probably don't know. Probably too much. Oh, we're about to test this weight limit.

Eight, eight. Yeah. Oh, lovely. You get a crowd favorite. You'll be on the Queen's Majesty, and your color is black. Oh, I isn't snarly on the Queen's Majesty. She's fit for a Queen. And your name is...

What I do, the name is... The name is... The name is Kamala of Unicorns, and I will take number four, please. Oh, lovely. You will be on Quickleaf, and your color is green. All right. It kind of matches my skin, don't you think? It looks pretty good.

Quigleaf. It's like eating the bottom of the deep friar at a F.C. It's becoming increasingly more difficult to determine whether or not you're enjoying yourself. To your own king. Lord Bodhi, audacious tea, master of corn. Oh, it's lost. Master of corn. Lord Smabulak, I think you're drunk.

Hey! Smebulok. King, The king, Smembolize There will be a law Tormec is sorry you're great

There will be a law to not allow horses to give financial advice That was a law You overturned it You brought in Smembeleand

I overturned decades of a pushing against horses Oh, wow What a banalant Keith And with them, she ushers you towards the snails. Each of you moves towards your snails.

They're in a line from one to eight. And so Grico, you are, you're directed to number two, Gideon to number eight. Bodie is right next to you at number seven. And Cremie, you're directed to number four. Each of you has three pixies that are all going to sound exactly the same and speak in one voice because I am amazing. And they're all going to come up to you and begin to talk to you individually,

but as one single NPC, about what is going to happen here. Okay, so here's the plan. Well, it's not really the plan. It's just how it works. You see those two goblins up there? They're going to narrate what's happening. It's going to be really cool. You're not going to hear any of it because these snails are loud, and they have gas.

It's not going to smell great. You won't mind. Anyway, how this is going to work is. All the snails move at the same pace. The track is 480 feet to the other side. It's a circular track, so you really just have to go around one loop. All the snails move at 80 feet per six seconds. However, if you handle them properly, they might move faster.

However, if you handle them improperly, you might be punished. So be careful with them. By the gods, do you hear of... Any questions? What Eldridge holder is this, that 12 pixies speak with one voice? Your king is scared and confused. You are very drunk. Are you...

Thank you for noticing. Are you safe to be riding on this snail? No. But that makes me want to do it more. You know that snails... It's an uncommon thing, but they have really vicious teeth. And if you were really drunk and out riding on one, you could be gutted and die.

Snail number two would never do that to his king. I have royal goblin topian blood. That's not a real place. When I was crown a decade ago, we had peace. Oh. About to begin. Gerd your loins. The snails are lining up at the starting line.

That's right, Jim. The snails are starting up at the starting line, and this looks like it's going to be a great race. Let's go ahead and take a look at what we've got here. On the back of Shelly Moo, we have Alec, everyone. Let's give a cheer for Alex. Boo, fuck out. Yes.

Alex, just a normal human bartender. On snail number two, Nimblefoot, we have King Shmaboo. Shabiel! Shmobooboly of Gobble Tizzle. Gobble Tizzle. Yes, we've got King Shmabooly of Gobble Tizzle. Let's give King Shmobloon. Oh, that's the last of the line.

All right. On snail number two, on snail number three, we have Alex's wife, Jane, just a regular human bartender as well, and she'll be riding high road. Boo. Oh, right. Our bartenders in this race. Yeah.

That's because they're married. On snail number four, we have Cremie LaCrew riding quickly. Master of six. Oh, she sparks out of my camera. Hey. On snail number five, we have Biggs the Dwarf, riding Flower Flash.

Ooh. Oh, Biggs. Yes, death flags written all over. He's not gonna make it. On snail number six, we have Snarly. Oh, this just in, Jay. Snarly is a full troll. You see Snarly, look around and go,

Oh, yes he is. We have snarly riding Wizzy! Oh, hey! Dizzy Wizzies! Oh, gosh. You were getting covered in Galapist on God's night. What's it? Oh, God.

Oh, God. Dizzy Wizzy, really? Okay, up next we have on snail number seven, Brody, Boaty? We have Boaty on Breakneck. Okay, breakneck. I'm sorry you drew me. You hear a few smattered clapping

and then you see people kind of looking and going, oh, as the announcer then says. And lastly, but definitely not least, on snail number eight. A favorite up in the box. Queen's Majesty, written by Gideon. The crowd of the wild.

All right, and with that, let's get this, let's let this race begin. The flags go down, and all of a sudden the snails shoot across the line. They are going at an extreme speed. They're going 80 feet per round. I need all of you to roll an handling hand. Oh, so you have a choice.

You can choose to go the 80 feet per round, or you can choose to make an animal handling check, which can either be beneficial or it can have a drawback. There's certainly no way animal handling would be a bad choice for doorbag. I'm just going to 80 feet. I'm just, oh,

Kings Mubulock snail rides better when he's drawing. Torbeck is choosing animal handling. Yeah, I do the animal handling. Torbeck leans down to break next ear and says, please, snail. Torbeck has never asked you for anything. Go as fast as your snail body will go. Torbeck rolled a natural twin.

It gets an entire 22. Torbeck, you lean down and you say this. You expect nothing. Your luck is hit or miss. You don't expect much most of the time. But this snail moves one of its eye stalks and looks directly at you, and you feel the connection as it shoots not 10,

but 20 feet forward, going a full 80 feet or a full 100 feet in this round in total. Let's go. Let's go. That's it! Who else is doing animal handling? I'll do that. But you're doing 80.

No, I'm just gonna relax and ride. Your snail number two. Your king requires victory so we may win the heart of his beloved full toll. The crowd goes wild as this happens. You are clearly a fan favorite. Yes. Animal handling?

I got a 17. Okay, you are able to shoot forward. You shoot forward an extra 10 feet, going 90 feet. I got an eight. Come on, baby. I like the win. Everyone is watching in baited breath as the Queen's Majesty mounted by the cake chat. You hear the chance.

Cake chat, cake chat, cake chat, echo throughout this entire stadium. As you lean down and you speak to the the snail, but you are a fire Janossi and you sear the tender skin of the snail's ear and it bucks. Instead of going the 80 feet it's supposed to, it rears back and slides backward 20 feet only taking you 60. You are clearly in the, you are clearly in last place. Yeah, what are you doing as a child's play? They just getting lucky. I accidentally leaned in and just said to Seared my snail.

What? Hey, do you hear me? What? Hey, how do you? Snail number two, you are a noble one, Steve. I shall make my house crest a snail if you bring me to victory once I'm a night with the truck. What's he saying?

Is he saying something crazy? Four. One, two, three, four. Three, four. Three, who's three? Me. At the start of this, round your snail slides over a splinter and it gets wedged in its billowy gelatinous

skirt that's horrible this isn't a horror campaign but that's what happens and your snail is only able to go 40 feet this round without your assistance oh no what's wrong that's been elegant that's a lot of banana that's that's canon that's what about them. Incredible. All right. The announcers call out, what a round! Look at those snails go.

Can you believe the Queen's Majesty is losing this race? But oh no, King Shmabooly of Gobble de Gukington has thrown a banana peel onto the track. Oh, let's hope no one, oh no. Cremies hit the banana peel. Watch is a, watch is a, Watches number four slides out of this race. You slide literally,

er-e-e-e-e-e-h-h-h-h-h-all right. Who's moving, who's choosing to do an animal handling? So if I do animal handling, can I make up at least some of the 40 that I use? So it works like the other one, whereas like normally your speed is 80, it's just a flat 80. Yours is 40.

So if you roll an animal handling, you could potentially get 10 or 20 feet. Fuck it, let's do it. Do you see any question mark boxes in the field of 20? Who knows? It's hard to tell from this corner that you're rounding right now. Torbeck leans into the ear of Breakneck and says, okay, breakneck, it's time to silence the haters with a cool move that Torbeck learned from the children.

Oh no, Torbeck got a natural word. Torbeck, Torebeck, you, your snail is racing. You are, you are significantly ahead. You're ahead of everyone by at least 20 feet. As you move forward, your snail is just annihilating this track. As you round the corner, you begin to talk to it again. It looks at you confidently, but unfortunately, it's so focused on you that it's not paying attention

to the track itself. and as you dab, you're going around the corner and your snail starts to roll over onto the side of its shell. If it takes the corner on the slide, it begins to slow down and you only go a total of 60 feet. All right. 19. Oh, you, you did the thing. You are, Grico, so you toss the banana peel behind your back.

You're no longer focused on the banana that you were eating. You're drinking your wine. You're kind of ignoring your snail, but you tip a little bit of wine into its mouth and it seems really happy with this as it skids around the corner and you do gain a little bit of speed. Ah, did that taste.

If you guide me to victory noble steed, I will award you with a feast of frozen peas. 17. Okay. You also are going around the track. Everyone is, they're cheering. They're cheering for you, but it's almost a sad cheering. It's not the same kind of expected avoidance

that they're doing to Torbeck, where they just, they find him hard to look at. You asked for them, Andy. With you, there's a genuine sadness as they were hoping that you would, on the Queen's Majesty, that you would tear this race up. And you do gain some speed. As you move forward and this round,

you make it 90 feet instead of the 60 you did last round. You're at this moment in time in third place. Cremie. So as I'm spinning out from the banana peel, the momentum's finally gone, I'm about to gain control. And with the last bit of momentum, there's a little green shell.

I'm trapped and I tap it and I explode. It's just here in the air! And then the snail collapses down as I roll the four. Oh shit. Yes, the snail hits it and you watch as it spins and it spins and it goes up onto the side almost like what happened to Torback. But it doesn't stop there and write itself. It actually flips and flips as you, you got a four.

I roll the four. As you are only able to make it 20 feet along this track. Woo, woo, woo, woo. The game is a broken fucking trail. You see a fairy fly in, sitting on a cloud with a fishing house. All right. For those of you that are watching

from the nosebleed section, here is your update. In first place, we have King Shmobooly-booly with 180 feet. Goblin Tobia. In second place, we have the troll herself snarly with 170 feet. In third place, we have a,

a four-way tie between Booty, Jane, her husband Alec, both human bartenders, and Biggs the Dwarf. In fourth place, we have Gideon on Her Queen's Majesty. I wasn't expecting that, Jay. I wasn't either, Ken. And in last place, Kremie LaCrew, with a very humble 100 points. Come, fucking do something.

Beaming the wrong, the defective snail. I'm facing the other way, going down the track. And with that, another round starts. Breaking act, the snail giveth and the snail taketh away. So anyone who's rolling, please roll for me. Torbeck got a 15. 13 for King Shmabialok. 13?

Six for your year. 15. Is there another splinter roll? Huh? Roll for banana peel? Yeah, I just need you to roll. Oh, you're waiting to find out what's going on? Well, I mean, I'll just do it anyway.

Snail two, you will bring great fortune to our kingdom. Sorry. Math. Our house words shall be. Snail number two was the best. if you win this for me. You will help me, sire, beautiful, troubling children.

Not gobbler? Troublins. It's so good. Troubling children. Oh, that's why I am. And they will be great princes and princesses, and I will die surrounded by my family peacefully. Peace and prosperity return to Goblin Tobia. And if Dormick can hear that, he'd probably ask if that was all of the words all at once.

Is that whole thing the house words? That's like a small novella. So one, two, three, four, same numbers. Femmy. Fuss! A spectator throws ahead of lettuce at you, at your snail. The snail stops to eat the lettuce, and you don't move at all this round. I'm playing on my legs, kick me up.

You're still facing behind that. All right, with that. It's rigged. And so you get, I see a question real quick. Dick Mean Lord says, Scurvy D, merch, whim. Great question.

All right. There's so much merch we need. With that, the crowd goes wild. You hear people laughing as a cremys snail begins to start eating this head of lettuce. They are looking between all of you as the snails are neck and neck. We've got Grico with 270 points. Gideon with 200, what? So I still made an animal hand which I got four. So could I go literally negative 20 feet? No, because it says you stop and

you take no movement. So it's like you stop, you stop. You just stop. So we've got Grico with 270. We've got Gideon with 250. Tied with Torbeck with also 250. We have Kremi at 100. We have Alec at 260. His human bartender wife Jane at 240.

Snarly is tied with Grico for 270 and Biggs is coming in behind tied with Alec at 260. Wow. If I get lapped do I get disqualified? I don't think you can

get lapped. I guess it's just one. I'll tip my crown. I've used the sky cell to have basically a goofy ass renaissance. Basically it's the king from Burger King. That's exactly that I mean. I'll say, as she slides up to me as we're neck and neck. They weren't killing when they said you were full troll.

Hey The voice of an angel Are troubled I'm gonna beat your ass I just I'm trying to think of love like a Do you promise And we'll save both of our kingdoms

My lady snarly What I'm bearing down on your For a loop. It took me on a twist to turny ride. Being better and better, my love. My stomach's... There's no awesome...

This is what happens when you try to make me do an NBZ when I'm also trying to do eight maths. Fuck, why didn't they put this in here? Or is there a chicken grease in the air? I love the smell of chicken grease in the morning. Another feeling is coming. It's the night time so I'm gonna win, you fucking piece of shit. My brine.

That's what happens. I don't know. Let me do the math. Do the math. Oh, yes, I know bearing down your ass. A great goblin ally, the great of the ground. Can you tell me who rolled and who got what? 21. 18.

Okay. What is it? That's a five. Seven. You could twist, Mace. All right, well, let me just bat. As you round the corner, the announcers, the announcers begin to call out,

and Gideon, you are holding onto the reins of the snail as you feel gloves appear on your hand. They're quite swanky, really nice, dark leather gloves. Right, this is a pretty dashing gloves. And then you feel it. Will you hear it first? What? Oh, fuck, is this the hearing thing again?

And then all of a sudden, What the fuck was that? Ah! As stinging, one, two, three, four. You feel it all over your hands. You try and rip the gloves off. But they will not come off. They are fused to your hands as hundreds of bees sting you professionally.

Getting in! Do you like jazz? I'll allow it. And the announcers begin to call out. This is quite a race, folks. Don't you agree, Ken? Yes, I do, Jay. Looking at our leaderboards,

we currently have a two-way tie for our top position. King Schmargle-Bargle and Snarley, the 100% troll woman, are in the lead with 370 feet. That is only 110 feet to go, Ken. You're right, Jay, it is. In second place, that's right, Jay.

Can the other one be named Mike, please? Sure. Scratch that. His name's Mike. I have my notes here. That's right. That's right, Mike. In second place, we are looking at the regular human bartender

with 350 feet, followed closely by Biggs, the dwarf with 320 feet. Next, we have Jane, the human bartender, and Gideon with 310 feet, followed not so closely behind by Torbeck with 250 feet. And look at that, Mike. That snail's just eating some cabbage.

We've got cremmy with 190 feet. Fucking cabbages. Fucking turtle shells and shit. And that's how. the round goes you may roll again. Come on, let's go. Here we go. You are early opponents, ladies and heartling. Torbek got a 21.

It's probably too little too late. I, this won't, I pray this won't be the last time you'll be bearing down my ass. I was like a 26. I want to die. Snail number two, do not forget the glory of Goblintopia and frozen peas. You will be rewarded handsomely. I will make you the master of laws. What?

How could you, King's Mabula? 17. 21. 8. Okay, so hold on. And the four knife in his back. Oh, my God. Polymer curse, you decided for inevitable the trail.

What did you get, Grico? 26. Snail number two, the only thing they can stop us now is a sparky blue turtle. That is possible. All right. as you round the corner, no cabbages fly out of the stands. Nothing spooks your snails.

This round goes off like a hitch. As all of you race forward. The goblin announcers begin to call out. This race is quite the race, Jay. You're right, Mike, it is. As Mike lifts up his coffee mug and takes a cheerful swig and smiles at the camera. Jay, there is no camera here, Jay calls out to the crowd.

All right, as an update, we look like we're nearing the finish line. In first place, we have King, Shmebel-Ebel-on with 470 points. Oh. In second place, we have, I did math wrong for sure. We have. Grimmie.

Snarly, the full human, the full troll woman. That's 3rd, 430 feet. She has fallen behind by a large 40 feet in this round. I don't know if she can pick up the slack, Mike. I don't know, Jay. It's not looking good for that full troll woman. In third place, we have Biggs the Dwarf with 420 blaze it. He is blazing it around this straight.

track that's for sure Mike that's for sure Jay. Your name's Greenleaf. Why can't you blaze around the truck? Next. Next we have Alec, the full human bartender with 410 points. Followed by Gideon on her queen's majesty with 400 feet. Next we've got Jane, Alex's wife with 370 feet, followed by Bodie with 350 feet and Still, coming in last, he just can't catch a break.

We have Cremi LeCrew with 290 points. It's not looking good for Cremi LeCrew in this race, Jay. I'm telling you, I don't think he's going to be able to make up that time. It looks like next round unless something absolutely horrible happens, and it can. King Shmibulebulbulon is probably going to win this race. He's a scant 10 feet from the finish line. You're so right, Mike. You are absolutely correct in that one.

I don't see how Kremi pulls this one out, but the crowd does love an underdog, and I need you all to roll. Is there like a poorly hidden shortcut that I could take and I shoot over a canyon and like a little glider pops out? You go through a ring and like a boosters kick in. Torback is completely defeated and he'll just lie down in front of the snail and let him use His namesake. You look around and you see nothing of the sort.

This track is a circle for a reason. It makes it very difficult to cheat. What's the spell level on slow? How many targets can I hit it? Signs posted in the stands and along the racetrack warn that neither jockeys nor spectators may influence the outcome of a race by using magic or by harming other jockeys or snails.

Any jockey who openly does so is disqualified, as is the jockey's snail. A spectator caught doing so is escorted from the carnival. There are four goblins, large, buff goblins, wandering the crowd closely for problemizers.

It's Mar and Joe. I'm trying one night. Look, fellas. Let's just lose with grease, all right? I need your rolls, please. 18. Torbeck also rolled in 18,

but just really isn't failing it. 23 for the third time an 8. Wow. Poor crem-me. Maybe if you face forward. What did you get Gideon? 18. Okay.

What did you get Torrid or whatever you name is? 18. Torrid the incinerator. Yeah. That's so much more badass than Torbett. What did you get Crummy? I got a eight. That's a...

The rock fact. I can be a Torbay thing. He's got a pit bull full of rocks. Yeah. Sorry, I've got to do math. It's going to be a photo finish. Would you roll? 23.

No, it's not. We're going to see how snarly does. We're going to see how snarly does. I mean, ah, fuck! Ah! The biz! Not the bees! And this is it, folks.

The final, the final push of the race. It is a close one. We have King Shmarl-Gel-Bargle and Snarly, neck and neck heading towards the finish line. The only one who's really suffering here, Mike, is, is Cremie LaCrew. I don't think he has a chance. I don't think he's got a chance either, Jay.

I think we should honestly just protect. like he doesn't exist in this race because he's clearly going nowhere. Oh, he's not a master of snails. And with that, did you see that? King Smargel Bargel has barely made it over the finish line first in this race. We have a winner, folks.

Nimblefoot is true to his name. His feet are nimble as King Smargel Bargel has taken this race. All hail the king, the crowd goes wild. Coming in second, very, very, very, very close behind is Snarly. Snarly has pulled in just a second behind her king. A real 100% troll woman, Bonafide.

And coming in third, who would have seen it? Following the king's queen is the snail queen herself, Queen's Majesty, and her writer Gideon, pulling in as number third. Followed quickly behind in a tie, both Biggs and Alec, make it over the line. A human bartender, folks, I never saw that coming. His sad wife is left behind, unfortunately,

caught between that horribly smelling bug bear and that incredibly unlucky crocodile. But lucky for her, she does come out a little ahead the crocodile, but sadly, no, I'm sorry, she does come out. ahead. Jane makes it in front of whatever that stinky thing's name is. Congratulations, Jane, human bartender. Doesn't seem relevant. Followed by Bodie. And let's wait. Do, do, do, do, de, do, de, do, de, do, de, do, de, do, de, de, do. No, no, I'm going to get at you. Didi, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, I don't go to the next.

D-D-D-D-D. And there he is. Cremie has crossed the finish line in last place. Thank you everyone for coming out tonight. Free drinks at the exit. Don't worry, eyes are always watching here at the Witchlight Carnival. And it is almost time for the crowning

of the Witchlight Monarch. Thank you for being our guest here today and thank you for narrating this game with me, Mike. Well, thank you for narrating this game with me, Jay. Y'all have a good night, you here. Do I get a pathetic participation badge? You all stand around and wait for a moment as the stands begin to evacuate and people begin to leave. You hear whispers about, well, so and so is my favorite.

I don't care that he didn't win or how stinky he is. His sadness is really charming in a pathetic way. You're right, Jill. It really is. Thanks, Michaela, as they begin to make their way out of the stands. You also hear people cheering for Cupcake, Chad. I don't care that he didn't win. Third place is admirable and look at how he looks

in that crop top. Threes a party. Oh my God, nobody can handle those tiny wings quite like Gideon the Cupcake Chad. Nobody talks about Cremie at all. I didn't ask for it. What is Big Say? What is Big Say?

Yeah, with Worf. And then he walks off. Only fourth place. As he walks off, yeah, that's what he says. Mr. Cremie, I heard you wanted a participation match. Here you go. I was being sarcastic. Is this going to give me a disease in my life today when we meet myself?

Probably. Snorley, my beloved, the smell of bun bear blood is in the air, and that can only mean wedding bear. Oh, fuck you, but I ain't gonna marry you. I'm not looking for anything long term. What's the size difference? Molly, you have broken my heart. Sorry, you can get a mental picture. She's probably around seven feet tall.

As much as I want to fucking troll. And you're going to get lost down that all over. I'm here for a long time as well as a good time. And I cannot unite our houses if we, are not betrothed. We cannot bring prosperity to Goblin Tobia. I don't know what you said, but my sister, Gertl Trudy will be very happy to have a long-term relationship. She's never been with a man, a woman, or

anything, really, so... Lady Girdle Trudy. She sounds like a lovely bride. He really likes it if you were... A house troubling. He speaks giants. So if you prefer your... And then she turns around and walks away. Where's good or true? Goblinopia shall descend into ruin.

Gross bugs will crawl in our beds. Our crops will rot. End war will surely kill all of our children. Aged 16 to 25. If it's any consolation, it's probably for the best. That would have been like a goblin falling into a well. Like a toothpick down a volcano. Tollback, that is what I desire mostly.

But I must no longer call you Master of Master of Laws. I hate to tell you this, but snail number two is now my new Master of Laws. Like the snail can't even talk. But he has a great sense of justice on the slain. What is Torbett done to deserve this? You may be my court fool, if you wish. I need you all to roll a perception check. Perception?

Perception. I can't even hear what the fuck he said. Over this buzzing. Can somebody get these damn gloves off me? Oh, I got a two. No. A total of four. 16.

Nine. Okay. Thank you. Five. Okay, thank you. Continue. Well, I guess if it's the only role for Torbeck, Torbeck will take it.

At the very least, Torbeck is just glad that his newfound friends would never betray him. It is as Torbeck says this, that you all noticed that the lights have gone down in the arena here, in the stadium. And there's an eerie silence. It seems like everybody has been evacuated from this place. Everybody, but the fluttering of wings. What could that sound be in the darkness? It's hard to tell. As slowly from the other side.

of the track. You begin to see forms starting off as shadows first. Two very large forms and one very small form is it makes your way towards all of you and then behind that even an even larger form. You all quiet yourself as you look forward and you see two bug bears. One of them very clearly burly the bug bear. The other one, whatever he his name was that gave you your tuna and meatball sandwich. James. Brendan. Jerry.

Jerry, yes. Jerry, yes. The other one, clearly Jerry. And in between them, looking pissed and irate, and irate, Rata flog. Oh, no. As coming up the flank, you slowly hear the tap, tap, tap of a cane as a top hat comes into view.

and you see Mr. Witch as he looks between all of you. Well, well, well, you have done your job exactly as I had hoped, fellas. That's right. We follow your orders. He's right here. He never left. If you have the manacles, you can take him right now. He snaps his fingers. And you see as in each of the bugbear's hands are two giant magical manacles. Oh, where does those bugbears come from? As they begin to move with almost an unnatural speed heading towards Toreback.

And as you begin to move away from them, Rihada flies up towards you. You're not going anywhere after what you did to me. Lights out, Mr. T. And she blows some pixie dust in your face. And you begin to start to say something. Oh, oh, I don't know what the meaning of this is. Oh, I suppose that this might be goodbye.

Torbeck just has a few quick words. Do not stand around and weep because Torbeck is not there. Torbeck does not sleep. Torbeck is the thousand winds that blow. Torbeck is the diamond glints in snow. Torbeck is the sunlight on ripened grain. Torbeck is the gentle autumn rain. As you awake with mornings hush,

Torbeck is the swift up-flinging rush of quiet birds encircling flight. Torbeck is the day, transcending night. Do not stand around and cry. Torbeck is not there. Torbeck did not die. Okay, I'll see you guys. And as you say this,

you immediately fall asleep and land on the ground. Jerry and Burley immediately manacle you and pull you up, you're snoring and slobbering all over yourself, completely ruining your bunny outfit as Rihanna begins to bark orders and they begin to carry you away. You hear the ticking of a stopwatch,

or the ticking of a pocket watch as Mr. Witch begins to rectify time. And he looks between all of you and he says, well done. That's the wrong voice. I can't do your voice so I can copy. Oh, do everybody. What I do? That's right.

Well done, fellas. I couldn't be more proud of you today. You'll have your friend Frost back. Go ahead and follow me back to our tent. And that is where we'll end the session. Well, I guess it's true what they say. In the game of trolls, you either win

or you guys. get put to sleep by a pixie and dragged away by two strong wettlers. Thank you, Amy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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