Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E10 | Crazy Style

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

The gang attends the Counts feast...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/Vomjmzyem2s?si=j0pnlrqeocPllwdw

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. So which way to the forbidden wind? Get out of the hallway quick and so we did. We shot ourselves into the wing. Oh, there's the bell again. We can.

For dead rest in the cathedral. Oh, he's a clever character. You see he hates Mondays. Oh, and he has an appetite for an autotalian dish. known is Lyssogne. Oh. I'm Professor Albin Eberhard von Fuzz. Is there something shorter we can get a nickname?

You know what? I'm never going to remember that. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm just going to remember Fuzz. He thinks a bride. To join him, I feel he has designs to take over the Timwood and turn it to a land of death. He has bound a demon to himself.

How did you do that? Fowl demon. I dare not speak its name. I mean, what's his name? Are you sure? I get the feeling you want to say its name. I'm getting that vibe. You're gonna die, see me.

He's better say it. His name, the most evil creature I've ever encountered in my studies. Seer cool. And no visitors in the dungeon, especially in the premium skeletons, Boca Game. Death rains here. You see the small vole in the gray crow with their corpses as he looks in and says, Oh, they are ready. I see.

You have not witnessed this. You are forbidden to witness them. He grabs his ladle. There's another bowl. He says, here the necropolis. I call. Agos, agar, see, too. A t'uah, more love.

Live, live, live, live, Mars. I can see both of them open their eyes. And that's what I said. You are all standing as Wygore is chanting. The cauldron, the pot, the bucket of the necropolis Icor. It's almost glowing as these two, the bell bongs for its last time, as both of these people that Bitsy had very clear,

you saw Bitsy kill them. Or at least you had heard, you've seen their corpses, hitched to the coach of the coachman, the wolf. And you see the crow and the vole, and they both rise as they look forward and their eyes are glowing the same blue-green of the Necropolis I-Corps as they both go, Oh, yes, yes.

They are risen. I told you death reigns here. You are needed at the feast. I wish you hadn't rung the bell so much. My knee is so brittle. There's a lot of stares. Praise Sir Kuh. And his blah-ha-blets.

I turn to Grumley and I say, Wow, look at that. These effects are really amazing. I mean, goodness gracious, look at that. We're pretty sure we saw those guys die, right? I mean, like, how do they do? This is a pretty cool party trick. Well, they probably were dead.

They probably took like a sleeping potion or something. No, they were dead. You can't rise from the dead. That's what I'm saying. This is a great trick. Yeah, but one of the trick. Like magicians or something. Oh, do you think Kowmolak is one of those magicians?

He might be. Has to be. Look at this thing. What do you think? Huh? Why, Gaw? What's your special effects budget? Yes.

The special effects. You know, to, you know, I was like robots inside, and you just put their gross skins over them. No, Count Morlock said that it was too expensive to use practical effects. This is all green screen. With Townham, Morlock,

did we ever perform on the stripper in Las Purvis. Las Purvis. Yes. A place of great power. A place of sin. Ah, really? A place of all you can eat buffet.

Ah, you'll say. That's quite nice. Let's leave the dim wood behind. Head on over there. Come on. A place of sleazy, easy tourists. Look, you've already sold us, all right? You don't have to save it.

We're there. We got the tickets in the car. Oh, to last purpose. Oh, it's not a, it's a quick trip from the Hollywood. It's actually not bad for a weekend trip. In terms of budget or? Oh, yeah, it's quite affordable and doesn't take that long to get there. It's a good time, especially if you plan ahead.

Have you ever been? I said, have you ever been? When the master lets me get a weekend away? How often? Once every decade. Is that where you secured the Margaritaville machine? Oh, no, you just go to a Margaritaville there. They need no machine.

It is a whole realm of Margarita. And the whole Ville of Mardiota! How long ago was your last vacation? When did you get the last, you know, now that you mentioned it, it was nine years, 11 months. Are you going coming up? Oh.

That's great. I forgot. A decade's a long time. Yes, it is. Not so long to the dead. Ruh. Hey, Booker, yeah. What's it? Green screen? Ah, it beats me. I have no idea.

Oh, well, it's not real. Because, you know, once you die, that's it. It's all the tricks. Oh, no, no, I assure you. What? Their bodies have been reanimated with the power of circle. That's the power of... He's praised some of the I-Corps round. Get that on me.

It's a really great performance. Like, I'm buying it, you know? Like, they probably made so much money in Lost Purvis. Oh. See a cool's like, you know, he's your SFX guy, you know? Oh no! He's a demon of hell. What? You're like, him in his bit.

He's really cool. Oh, Sequel is a forbidden demon. He is what gives the master his great life. We have imprisoned him in the bowels of the castle. That is forbidden knowledge that only I and the master know. You just told us. You know, an hour. Yeah, you just told us.

And the skeletons. And the coachman. Are there, all the dead people here like this, they walk around and they walk around, They groan and they, eh, huh? Ah, yes, the necropolis. We build a city of the dead. That's why he needs the foulest and vilest

of all professions outside of a bailiff. I say he needs a tax account. That's what I mean, a little lawyer. Oh, ha. So, cool, say, man to something. They're a foulless, a professional. Yeah, Jean-Claude's not so evil. He's a good guy. Wow.

He is. Gromley. He's helped us out a lot. No, I mean, he's helped us out, certainly. But his means are... You remember when he's shitting that guy's droop? I mean, that was funny. That wasn't evil. It was like pure liquid.

It wasn't even like a turd you could clean up. No. With like a single napkin. Gromley, I'm gonna be honest for you, that's one of the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. He threw away the whole drawer. Oh, John Claude is good. A-OK in my book after that. That's how I knew he was on the team. Oh, he was replacing that old dad.

On tour wasn't going to fix that. Besides, he got us all off. Oh, that's fair. He did get us off. And we had that kitchen escapade with the sandwiches and the map reading. Oh. Grumny, I thought we were getting closer. No, we are getting closer. I mean, just because you're morally dubious, I mean, you're not my friend.

Then I won't be friends with anybody. Yeah, I mean, but it is important to know that if one of us had to be sacrificed, you would all vote that it would be you. It's still the bottom of the totem pole. Yes! Oh, you're still here. Wait, when you do, when one must be sacrificed, you always go for the chicken. Is that a rule? Is that something we should...

Okay, you know what I never... Yes. Okay. They keep mentioning... mentioning your people down in Las Burvers. Chickens? Oh yes, because I always try to mack on some honeys. And they always say they need a big cock.

Oh, have you ever been to cluckers? What in the hell? Oh. No, no. Big cluckers on the other hand. That's actually a novelty shop in whatever that, When you said that whole thing about a little demon from hell in the basement, that's sort of like a turn of phrase, so to speak, because I have a phobia of that. Yes, of course, of course. I have a real problem if that was actually in the basement.

Yes, it is just a turn of phrase. By turn of phrase, you mean turn the deepest truths from reality, from the bowels of hell to bring a demon to this world. Yes. This is all very riveting. I do have a question, though. Oh, you require more necropolis, Iger. Ah, yes, yes, drink. All right, well, while you're doing that... Oh, so full of undef! Do you like working for the count?

Do you like working for the count? The master. You like him. Do you know, guy, do you like working here? The master. Yeah. I mean, like, ten years is a long time to get a single weekend off. I live.

serve. So if you die, you don't, sir. If I die, I, the master wouldn't commit me to die. I don't think. That's like, I'm pretty sure I'm too important. That's my favorite moment. I think I'm too important. God, I'm digging. I'm putting the chips on that one right now.

I'm going all in. I think, what? I have had the plague for so. long yet I still live. You've had the what? The plague, yes. You have a plague? The plane.

What kind of plane? Oh, my God. The plague. You don't look too sickly. I mean, you're old as hell, and you're banged up, but you don't, oh, the plate. You don't look sickly. Oh, drink up, drink up. Yes.

Death rains here. You don't look diseased. Oh, yes. Seeku. You look diseased? Oh, look you. Oh, look you there's a little. No.

Oh, sir, are you contagious with the plague and all? Plagues? Plagues, you know, they suggest being highly contagious. Should we not be near you? Oh, yes, highly contagious. Oh, no. We use it this way. He made that one margarita.

Then we all shared it around. No, in Walt he was making a margarita. He was muttering about how he transmitted the plague to everyone who came in contact with. He's been spitting everywhere too. It's probably all over everything we consume. Oh. I have a very strong immune number.

system. I mean, I feel all right. You see, they start to kind of move a little bit, and they get up and look at Bitsy. What? You sit back down. You hear me? You on death? Oh, no, no, death rains here. You don't rain here. My life doesn't rain here.

I haven't you heard anything I've said. There's no point, Bidsey. They start to kind of like slowly get up. Yes, yes, right. Live Mars, live Mars. Live Mars. That's not canon. We're gonna get seed.

Rise. We got a lawyer. That's all right. No, that's true. Let's make off to that. Mr. Whygoor? How do you kill that? That does not live? Stop looking around. Look at Bitsy. She's talking to you. How does one...

One of his eyes is looking at me. How does one kill? That would you. not leave. That truth's dead may never die. Whoa. So therefore, that's true. Therefore, the master cannot die. He cannot be destroyed.

Especially if some cat in the dungeon said something about that. That's not true. That guy's a fucking lie. Did you just say that the master's dead? Oh, he walks, but he is of death. Returned, returned from the grave dirt behind. I'm not buying it. Well, I'll see, I'll see what brain dead?

No, so that's their bit. He's an undead magician. Yeah. Oh, okay, that's clever. Yeah, it's, you know, it's all right. It's all special effects, I think. He said something about a green screen. No, it's all real.

Grumbley, I fucking killed those guys and they're walking around and grown them. No, I know. But he's using a green screen to make it. Ha ha ha. What's a green screen? I don't know, but that's what he said. They're probably using fission wire to like puppet them around.

I bet if we just looked around, we'd find the mechanism that's moving the ROMs this way. I look for fishing wire that might make a reception check. As they stand out of the coffin and out of the crept. Thank you. As they. It won't help because I love this. Hey.

Let's deal with this. Excuse me. How many of the twist? It's a 19. Oh. Oh, I'll take us one. Wow. The magic twist.

You look and you act, you look and you really do see it, that there is no fishing water. There's no fish water. As they look, as they start going, looking towards you as their glowing, teal eyes begin filled with menace and hate. I think those guys hate me. H.

They just locked on Bitsy? Oh yeah. Ah! They look like they're in love with you. They need to feast. Why, go tell those guys that chill. I don't like the attitudes. Oh, feast.

Did you say feast? Yes. There's a feast. We are supposed to get going. With the master. That's like that's starting now, soon, right? Pretty soon. It starts soon.

Okay, that's what we said. Right, thank you. How soon? How soon? Well, you told us soon like two episodes. No, it's just a half of it. Oh, two episodes. I forgot.

You're not cooking the feast, right? I forgot the TiVo, Stan Foxx, friends. I must have a way. Wait, wait, wait, before you go, who's... Who's preparing this feast? I want to know. Bitsy, is it your plague disgusting hands? What's going on here?

Oh, no, death. The rain's here. That doesn't answer my question, you dumbass. I must away to the TiVo. Oh, these guys are gone. Damn it, not right. So now we're stuck here with these, like, these fake dead people?

We've got to kill these guys again. Somebody. Why don't we just walk away from them? Like, this is all much of a loving. Okay. They're not real. Let's go. They start, like, grabbing for you.

Hey, you get your hands off of me. You rogue, freak off, I'll put you down again. I'm going to take out a jar of grease. I'll just cast grease on them, and I just throw grease all over them. Oh, man, it's stuck here forever. Well done. I'm gonna walk you in there. I'm gonna walk with the Bitsy.

Like Saron, man. I'm gonna grab Bitsy by like your, by like your just pull you away. And be like, get away from those freaks. Come on, come with us, Bitsy. We're gonna out of here. I look around very briefly for like a sconce or a toy. Oh yeah, no, I mean, they were sconces, yeah, there's absolutely scones, especially outside of this crypts.

And what if you guys just throw that torch on them and gone dead real quick? Ugh! I do exactly what she says. There, look, more special effects. Look at a life-like it looks. It's very real. It's very real. Oh, yeah, that's not a special effect. You threw a torquered on a car. That's a lot of heat.

No, it's piratose. They're screaming. Very pain, making through grease on them and you throw a torch. It's fine. I wrote grease on them. I created grease from the ether. Oh, that smells. Yeah, that burning flesh, that is real.

Oh, you smell the hair. They really never died. Let's get out of here. Come on. We're gonna go. This is a nightmare. We walk away. The flame turns a bright teal.

And you hear a voice from the flame. They really went all out for this. I'm gonna get some fresh air, and I'm gonna walk back down. I didn't realize this was a dinner theater experience that we were getting. This is so cool. Unbelievable. Oh, not sir cool, so cool, so cool.

So cool. Not so cool. Make a. Oh no. Make a wisdom saving throw. Okay, hold on. I have to grab a dice out of the. A wisdom save, you said?

He's a twist. You think? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Remember, you have to roll until you get a 20. Nope. That was a 19.

So I have to roll until I get a 20? Thank you for the twist, chat. What is that one? I can read this one. In eight? Okay. Oh, that was almost a 20. That was very close.

That was a one. Okay. One is close. That means 20's right around the corner. Okay. That's a two. Okay. Thanks for the twist, chat.

Thank for the twist. God, like, how many times do you have to stick my hand and a shy and a lousy? Oh, that was a D12. That was a D12. That doesn't count. That's a D12. That's the 5.

12? This is, uh, it's hard to. Huh? 14? That's a golden. No, that's a D12. I have one of those. You're gonna roll like 20 of these fucking things.

These are the twist cats. Natural 20! Yay! Natural 20! You feel like you've narrowly avoided in Tremonics possession. Narrowly. As the withered forms of these zombies

burn away as they're screaming and break dancing on the grease, as this voice in the flames is calling out. The I would begin to, I'm gonna see it. I would begin to, like, make my way out to get some fresh air, because I'm sure the place is filling with smoke and the fumes of burning undead flesh. Yeah. And I would just, you know, hey, we gotta, we gotta dinner to get to.

I've got a feast to get to. Do we know where to go? No, but I don't want to stay here. It's awful down here. I'm getting sick of these mediocre effects. We definitely have to get out of here. Yeah, I mean, if we stick around watching all of the practice for the actual show that we're gonna see later,

it's not gonna be as impactful. That's right, or interesting, because we already know what to expect. It's impressive the first time you see it, but after that it's like, meh. Grumley is, it is just, I have grabbed a hold of Bitsy to keep it away from these freaks and then, you know, I'm getting up, come on.

I'm following Booker. I'm going, I'm going, gosh. You do that as the voice calls out, Los Yaw's and cool on Halloween horror nights. As it echoes and fades, You no longer hear the gong of the bell. Well, if we know that dinner's going to be soon sometime within the next two episodes,

then maybe we should go back to our room and get dressed into something. I mean, we're having dinner with a count, right? We can't be covered in Margaritaville machine juice and blood and ickr from whatever that was. I wouldn't mind clean it up. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you,

this is about the best I've got. I don't really have other clothes. If they've got other things for us to wear, then certainly, but, you know, not one for high fancy things. This is the castle. I'm sure there's clothes everywhere. That's fair. I mean, we should really, really try and dress to the nines. I mean, we've got to count what trying to impress. Okay. I'm, I, that sounds good to me. I'll say I could use a wash. This is about my finest, but could go for a cleaning.

Let's go find the showers. Anyone need a wax or an asshole bleaching or anything? Whoa. Whoa. I'm good. I'm going to. Pass on that one. Ah, to them, okay. I'll take you up on both of those. That sounds great. Fantastic.

I mean, we're gonna see a count. Yeah, you gotta make sure you're all smooth and fragrant. Are you sure you wanna pass? I'm certain, I'm very certain. That sounds unpleasant. You are your father's son. That's what I've been told. We would attempt- I'm good.

I'm present. Present. We would attempt to head back to our quarters. where we will search for showers and clothes. Yeah, except to get cleaned up before this feast. Yeah, you do find that there is a singular washroom with a tub, and there is a fireplace in this where you think that large basins of water would be here.

You find that, and there's a couple bars of soap, of lie, and there's some gross stuff, There's some hairs. Well, there's a lot of hairs in it. I'm like 99% hair. That's, you know, I'm gonna have a big deal. Yeah, okay. We've shabbled over.

It's very communal. It's very communal. Wait, do you see that lie when I'm done with it? Good Lord. All right, well, uh, I guess this is it. I gotta find some of the clothes though. I mean, these is a mess, the threadbare. Have you checked the Yomois?

I didn't. You know, I didn't wanna really go snooping around. Well, this is the room you're staying in, right? Yeah, but, you know, I was really freaked out after that skeleton walked and even though it turned out to be pretty cool. It was still, I don't want to go poker around. How do you think they did that? You know, I don't know.

And then we saw them playing poker. That was crazy. I'm telling you guys. They were clearly off the clock at that time because they had an attitude. Oh, they were pissed. They were dead and now they are alive. They're not dead. It's all tricks.

I'm telling you, they're killed those two fuckers, and they're walking around the break dancer. How do you know that that's not all part of the show? Well, you're intended to kill them on the way. in so that that part of the performance is more impactful. I twisted that crow's neck all the way from around 360 degrees. I felt the crunch. No, you didn't. Birds can twist their heads 365 degrees around.

You're thinking of owls. This was a crow. So? I'm just saying that it was all limp and crunchy. Bidsey, I'm just, I'm not convinced. You can't explain to me in any way that the dead can come back and walk around. It can't happen. I think there's a demon in the basement and just keep it all.

all these people alive and it started with Count Morelap. Do you hear yourself? You've said some crazy things and this is the craziest thing you've ever said. You guys never listened to me. That's true. If you had a demon in the basement of your hutch, what would you do with your life? Would it look like spending time with the plague-ridden rat thing that keeps ringing a bell? I probably scare them out of there. I don't want to mess him with the secrets of the universe. Holy crap. This just opens up so many more questions.

I do have to say, I think it's easier to believe that you're perhaps just bad at murdering than it is to believe that there's a demon trap beneath this castle in there, raising the dead. All right, I... Look, Betsy, it's understandable. I mean, remember when I try to snap that guy's neck and I failed miserably? It's embarrassing. I totally get how you feel. But you didn't see me go making up a crazy story about demons and people walk in the dead?

I know you don't believe me, but you just wait. They're real skeletons, okay? Oh, look, Bitsy, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just, it's implausible. It's crazy. To be fair, they technically are real skeletons because we all are just walking skeletons covered in meat. It's different.

They were dead, I swear. Who's a costume? You know what? I'm gonna leave you to that. I'm gonna go see if I can find some nicer clothes. And I go back to my room to check my armoa. Yeah. See if I can find better clothing.

Yeah. That might fit me. You open the armor. What do you find in there? Oh, God. What do you find in there, Andy? I would imagine some, like, ancient, like, out-of-place timeline. Yeah.

I have not yet seen... Andy has not yet seen Nosepharet. But I would imagine that there would be some, like, Victorian... I don't know what time period it is. With the 1800s? You look like a... What you find in there is a fanciful dandy pirate. Oh.

Oh. Wow. Wow. This is... I mean... I think I can pull this off. All right. And if you push past the clothes,

we can transition into the lion-witchin the wardrobe. No. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to go in. I will take the- Oh, it's just me, Mr. Tosl. Ah! Hey, shut!

You're saying. To your flame, but I don't know where you came from, but, shut out of you. Oh, my God, there's another pervert in the armoire. Oh, but my back is July. As a goat leaps out of the armoire, attempts to warn you about Cirqueal, his neck snaps as he screams, and you see as he's floating,

almost being, his hooves are dragging clattering, and cause those start, oh, my, that's horrific. I'm never gonna get that out of my brain. I would take the clothing and lay it out on the bed and survey it and take a look at what it looks like. Yeah, it's a little musketeery. And I, you know, probably dust it off, you know,

like try to get it in good shape. And then once I feel like I feel good about the clothes, I would go clean up, and then prepare to be ready for the feast. Okay. I think that's exactly, it's not hard. You know, it's a communal tub. Takes a while to heat up.

Oh. Didn't you already say that? As you're bathing. A long while. As you're bathing. Okay. Scruff in my furry raccoon ass. The door starts to jingle.

Not again. Hey, did that skeleton tell me his name? Did ever use me? Doug. Hey, Doug. Somebody's in here. If that's you, buddy, it's a good buddy, Booker, it's a good buddy, Booker, Doug. The bathroom's taken. Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. I'll move back later. Oh, thank God. I kind of mutter half out loud to myself, but like, you were like, oh, God, thank God, it was Doug.

It's where it might be somebody else. And then you get to, you get dressed. I go back and I get dressed. What's in my arm, what do you find? You don't mean. Go to the DM. You. You. You. You find a crushed velvet robe.

Oh. You look like, what you find there is effectively a very cheap and poor Renaissance King Henry VIII style, but it's like, it's cheap Amazon crushed velvet. I've never seen clothes so nice. Are there like disgusting mustard stings? Absolutely. Oh yeah, it is covered in green.

and mustard. It's a little crusty, crusty dusty. I'll get dressed for dinner. I'll go back and look in my armor after having been bleached and waxed. I'll look at it. We're going to look in the same armor. What you find there is a pair of perfectly matching pristine white wedding dresses. I was really hoping it was going to be the outfit share ward if I could turn back time You actually pull it back in that is hanging up Oh, you got choices The wedding dress so if you want the share one I'll wear the share one

It's a good thing I shaved I too would like to check my armwear right you check your armoire and you see you see your armour and you see a beautiful searsucker suit. It looks like a creamsicle. As it lurches out and you realize it is the corpse of your brother, Sean Luke, as he collapses into you. As he looks like he's drenched and soaking as he, as if the cold swampy water hits you, as his head snaps around and he says, I say, I say, three nights.

I say, I say, I do not suffer my fate. I say, Jean-Claude, you really need to, you really need to stop pissing so damn loud. It's the middle of the night and you're pissing directly into the bowl, Jean-Claude. You gotta piss on the sides like a stealth mission. But also don't be a lawyer, John Claude. Learn from my mistakes.

Don't get mixed up and get killed by a bunch of goons. And then you look and he's gone. I'll say, I'll say. What the hell is going on around here? Is the suit still there? No, it was his suit. Tung, Tun, Tum. Oh, did you hear that?

Bitsy, it sounds like Jean-Claude's like sex again. He's doing a little pregame before feast time. Probably smart. Yeah. Yeah. If I hadn't put on this shirt outfit from a two-backed-time. What might you find in there, Jean-Claude? Um, I think, is it fair to say?

I think I would find... Radigan's, Radigat's outfit? I think, yeah, Professor Radigan's outfit. Professor Radigan's outfit. Is that, yeah. Like a black cape in the, am I thinking of the right person? I don't know, wrong. Yeah, no, you're right.

Like a neck kind of, uh... A cravat. A cravat around, and like a dashing suit. It feels very irregular. It is very much not made for a bird. But surprisingly the proportions are the same. You make it work. Yeah.

You're busted it in the seams a little bit. Oh, so a little tad, all the, all the, all the, the rock places. Oh, yes, exactly. And the top hat in the cane. Well, that was horrific in about all the ways you could imagine. I guess, but, you know, I'm looking pretty sharp and feeling, well, packed tighter than a sausage in summer. I return to them I go to meet up with everyone.

Let's mean that's what we're doing. Yeah. Yeah, you all meet up. At the feast. You all meet up in the hallway. Oh, yeah, we meet up. This close. This close.

Look at you guys. You guys look amazing. What is that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Boyfriend material? And you?

Brumley, look at this. Closed velvet. Velva's not the only thing going to be crushing later. Right. You guys look great. You look great. Beautiful, Peggy, unbelievably. Whoa.

Good Lord. All right. Like where your head's at. Don't know where you found that, but. It was in the armor. It was right behind two wedding dresses. Yeah, there's easy. Oh, so you opted not wear the same thing.

No, I have both wedding dresses on current. That wish you could get naked twice. Thinking ahead? I always do. Thinking ahead. Peggy? Yeah. Could you turn the mic towards your face when you speak?

Just because no one can hear you very well because it's pointed the opposite way. That's fair, yeah. I was eating fries. That's, yeah. I'll say, Booker, you sure are passing it out, but you're looking pretty sharp yourself. Oh, fush. It's a little old thing I found in the Amois. Look, it's much better than my normal digs.

You guys know me. I'm not really about the finer things. This is a nice change. Everyone's looking so nice. This is going to be a lovely meal. Grumbly, you look like the philosopher from the crooked moon. It's so nice. My favorite subclass!

Oh my gosh! Who's 65 dollars? Who goes there? It's us. Again. The feast is about to begin. I didn't hear no bill. All of the guests are taking their places.

You're late. What you were doing? Like you kidding me. Hold on. Master is waiting. I think my costume's missing the dwarf and the flask accessory. Or maybe I just couldn't find it. Could you help me look for it? Very well.

I'll say in my room needs a little more pitch, if you wouldn't mind. Guy left by a bucket of pitch down the stairs. Well, we're doing a piece. Goodbye. It's getting louder. It's terrible. At least I get to go on vacation very soon. And perhaps retire after it.

Probably live happily ever after. Oh, that's definitely not gonna happen. Bitsy, as you follow the group as you all head towards the feast hall, which you had seen on here, whatever. And you feel a good of church. And you feel like their eyes watching you. I should have worn more clothes. It's a little chilly.

You feel the hair on the back of your, the unwax hair on the back of your neck. Pick up. And you feel like you hear a voice, almost whisper, a ghostly voice. Hey, hair by heart. Who's? Oh, my heart.

Oh, my heart. What is that voice that sounds so auto-tuned? Did you say something? Do you say something, Betsy? You hear that voice? No. Sounds like some sort of an emotionless machine. I just hear your voice.

It's just yours. It was unnervingly quiet until you said something. I hear a... I heard a voice. The hairs took up on the back of my neck. I think that there's something following me. Are you saying you're hearing things that aren't there? Maybe.

Well, I've been, I've been seeing my brother since we've been here. This place has a way, man, man, man. I just look at Fagney. I'll say, I'll say stop there and knowing glances. What a hearing no glances? Yeah, seeing your brother, huh? Jean-Claude's been having really Every time he shows up, he's dead, however.

And he's usually haunting me and saying something terrible and I'm a man. Why, Gordon, say, death reigns here. Maybe he is dead and he's here. Well, one can only hope. But I think this way, I think this place just as a way of playing tricks on our mind. That's why I heard the voices, what you're saying? It's possible, and it's possible. It's why we're seeing the things that we're.

We are, including the happenings of the Necropolis. Thank you, John. Well, you're welcome, I suppose. Oh, okay, well, I see, yeah. You're welcome. As you continue on, oh, the feast is right here. Hello, everyone. No, hurry, you go, go.

No, hurry. Hurry, you go. Hurry, you know, he's coming. We make it to the bottom of the stairs. I'm in the door in a raincoat like, I'm putting my pants. Don't worry. Don't worry, I got this.

I'll cast some more grease. I'm gonna throw grease all over it. Oh, he's dead. He's fucking dead. You can't behind you as you're going down the stairs and you hear like, as he's a horrible, then, like, ski go, man.

It's all down and slide. Covered to be covered in Greece, just completely spit out. Who's that? Oh, that's not why Gore? No. Hello? Has anyone seen this guy before? Does he look familiar?

He looks like he looks like the guy that popped out of your arm, is so cute. Uh-oh. Who warned you about vehicle? He said that his name was Mr. Duffins. Uh, okay, guys, quick explanation. You know this guy? I don't know him.

He's more than acquaintance. He popped out of the armoire, like one of the perverts back in the mansion. Oh. He just keep following me. Where I go? There's perverts, perverts. Anyway, he started jumping out talking about that demon in the basement. Just yelling about it, I don't know.

And then he just kind of like stroked out or something. And maybe you've now killed him. No, I didn't touch him. He was trying to warn us about the demon in the basement. Yeah, but we know it's not real. Look at him. Oh, God. His neck's all twisted.

Oh, no. Yeah, I don't think his legs should be at that angle. No, no, yes, I sat right out of the socket like that. Peggy, what have you done? Oh, I didn't touch him. You've judged him. I judged him? Well, if you're the creator of the universe, you smote him.

He's been smitten. Oh, do you think he likes the way I look in this dress? Well, I mean, I don't know about that, but you definitely smote him. Well, I mean, really who's to say whose fault it is that he chose to walk onto the grease that was right in front of his path. Oh, that's a good point. That's very fair. We should probably get out of here. We don't want to be seen with this guy if he really is dead. Certainly not in the scene of the crime. If we call this a crime, we're going to walk over to him and place the empty bottle of grease right next to him. Oh, that's classic. He just greased himself.

Very large flies, Buzz Pazio, and he's are flying around. Okay, that's our sign. Let's get out of here. Oh, he's dead. Let's all just agree not to speak of this, okay? Death rains here. Should we burn him? No, no, I don't want to be any more involved than we already are. As soon as you say that, you hear the scraping as he starts to move a little bit. See, he's alive.

Look, he was definitely dead. I'm not fucking around. Let's get out of here. I don't want anything to do with any of us, all right? Oh, look at it. Look at his legs. Come on, let's go. Let's go. Please. All right. I'll just want to feast. That's how I'm going.

You eventually, you go through the castles. You hear as you follow the voice of Wygore, as you find your way to the Great Feast Hall, as you open a huge double doors into a room of shadows, as you see the very far end of the room, there is a very, there's a huge fireplace with a very small fire within a single log is burning. casting shadows that dance across the room.

And you see the silhouettes in this place. As you just see shadows sitting on these tall back chairs around this feast table, as you see at the head by this fireplace is a very tall and imposing shadow, with two large points. pointed ears with a great furred cape, almost as if it's wearing armor that you had seen in the portraits, sitting at the head of the table, and you hear immediately,

That's him. That's the voice on the phone. That's him. That's Karl Mowler. Oh, that's the master. Yeah, you can tell from the death rattling. You all await the do they fees. All I can hear is grumbly. He's right in my ear. What? No, it's okay, buddy. It's your normal thing. It's what you do. I've learned to live with it. Well, does it look like you know where we should sit?

I look to see if there's gonna be open chairs. They're not like engulfed in shadow. It's all very dark, it's hard to tell. As you see, you can't tell. Hail Lord Morlock. Count. Oh, damn. It's count better than Lord.

I would have said Lord is nice. Anyway, that doesn't matter. Okay, Count Morlock. Got it. Um, we, great a priest. for inviting us to the feast tonight. Seed. Are they like signed seats any way you want us to sit or just anyway?

It's fine. Name tags on the table? Yeah. Name tags are on the table. Oh, that's right. Good luck. I hope we sit together. Great force.

Okay, which one? You can't read. I can't see. Come on. Well, just climb up on the table. You know what, just come with me. And I'm gonna like start to walk down the left side of the table to see if I can find my, uh,

my spot and see if it's near my friends. You see that the five places that are closest to the count are empty. And you see that there are, the five skeletons that you had seen, they're all sitting there, they're eating. As I pat, hey, Doug. And you see that also right next to the seat that says, there's a little tent card that says Bitsy, you see that there are two charred corpses with glowing blue-green eyes.

as they are groaning. Man, these guys are really committing to the pit. Well, can we burn them? They should be dead now. It's all an act. It's how? It's screen, screen. It's all magic.

What is that? It's the magic of effects, you know? SFX. Right, special effects. I sit down in my seat. I sit down in my seat. I also sit down. For date of the bounty of the underworld.

One word of the bounty. of the underworld? Do you need an inhaler? I also have asthma. What is this asthma? Yeah, why don't you lean forward a little bit? Your place setting is directly next to him. Yeah, yeah, lean forward a little bit.

And I'm just gonna spray my inhaler in his mouth. There is a, it's a rotting bat carcass. I really like your costume. It's covered in wounds. You see that there's some maggots crawling within him. How? Within him. Oh yeah.

Your makeup artist did a fantastic job. Just lean forward a little bit. Whoa, that breath. All right, and I'm just going to spritz my inhaler into his mouth. Oh, God, a moth. Wow. You just kept that in there. Oh, there were three or four more moths on your plate.

Actually, that looks delicious and I'll eat it. You do. You found the dress I personally left. Oh, yeah, I got both of them on right now. Why would you put my dresses in Bitsy's closet? So, you're looking for an attorney? Yes. Oh, I see. Yes, we have heard.

I wish to purchase vacation property. Oh, well, I'll have you know that's my specialty. Wow, really? You never told us that before. Oh, wow. I mean, of course. I mean, of course. You learn something new about your friends every day. Of course he does.

It's all about securing the different. No, I'm with you. Nope, we're on the same page, brother. Enjoy the bounty, the Chalupa Supreme. Oh. The can't peanut chicken daco's steak cheesy

dipping burrito. Ah. That's okay. That's a big fan. It sounds like he's reading off the Cravens menu. A classic stacker. And don't forget the cheesy fiesta potatoes.

I'll have to say I was a little worried when I saw the grubs, but then I sell the nachos Belgronde. Yes, nachos. I reached for one of those steak things, and I like kind of look through it, make sure it's like real food. And then if it looks like it's real meat and cheese. It looks like the binary of the most vile slop you could possibly imagine, but as soon as you're wasted, the most beautiful nectar of the gods. I look at it and I...

I'm not quite drunk enough for this. I only had one yard mug in best. And I look at it kind of... You know, I don't want this visible disappointment on my face. And I'm having a hard time masking it in front of the count. I look at Crumley like, I'm kidding me. Oh, it just looks fine. I'm gonna have one of the...

It's, yeah, you're being like. He's the bounty of my castle, not to your liking. I cut up a piece and I stick in my mouth and like, it's all right. It's very delicious. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's been a long day. I'm going to be honest with you.

You know, the more I eat it, the better it taste. That's weird. Yeah, I don't know. I'll say count, do you have any blah? I'm brats. I'm, it's been a particularly thirsty day. Man, servant. Oh yes, the necropolis eye core.

Remember, we legally not allowed to save our Blaha Blasmasters. Damnly lawyers, may they all burn in the hell with their cool. Oh, I certainly not all of them, certainly. Just those that stood in the way of Blah Blah Blas being mentioned. You present your goblin. I don't know. I don't want so much of that. Yeah.

I'll take another margaria. I'll take another margaria. It's blue flavor. It's blue flavor's your favorite. Grumley, I don't think that's a good idea. Why, could I get Sprite, but it turns out they didn't add the syrup, so it's just carbonated? Yeah, and can I ask, can I get some salsa water,

but they actually dentally put a little bit of Sprite in there? It tastes a little too sweet and it's not really what I wanted. Yeah, give her my surprise. We have all the foods. How much soft is in this? Winning the underworld, I mean, you might as well. Ooh, a Dorito taco. The jalopas are incredible.

You fell apart. Have a chirol. Sorry, bidsie. Just take another. I go to settlement next Tuesday. That's really quick. And you're just now looking for an attorney. Hey, your funeral.

I need someone to review the contract. Well, I say I'll be more than happy. You've been such a hospitable guest to us, pulled us out of that deep dark tunnel away from all of our fears and worries and put us up in your fine establishment here, in your home, Count Moloch. You've been such a gracious host.

I've been more than happy to take a look at those contracts for you. You're going to charge him, though, right? Well, of course. I'm in the potato, and then of course it's out of it. Hey, Booker. Yeah. I'm realizing this is just the same four ingredients, rearranging different ways over and over and over again. Thank you. That's what I've been trying to say, Grumley.

It's just one food. That's all this is. The permutations are the same stuff over and over. That's why it tastes the same. These bean burritos are magic. It doesn't matter which side you bite on, you only get beans. And then you have to work your way 90% of the way down to get to the cheese. It doesn't matter. Look, I've been through 15 these fucking things.

It's always true. It's always beans first. Oh my goodness. Are you saying you've had 15 full bean burritos? No, I took one bite of 15 berets. Why don't you just flip it around and bite from the ass in? That's why. I also will need to ensure that the seller is paying closing goals.

I realize this is just gonna be like a business dinner. This sucks. What we could probably do is also work out a deal so you can move in ahead of the closing date. I'm sure we can get them to go for that. That's a classic part. And then the dead and the demons shall take over the demon. There's demons? There's demons in the basement for real.

I've been telling them that there's a demon. Hell rains here. Look, look, look, count. I'm going to cut in here. Sorry, I don't mind me. Oh, no, please. I don't really mind what you do with your vacation home. Oh, no, that's what I was going to bring up.

I mean, did you check the radiator, check the water heater, make sure all that's up to date? I mean, you know, if you're buying this place, you might want to pass those costs off onto the cell as well. I mean, it only makes financial sense. It's very important. I can do that Oh yeah absolutely

Yeah you can get all sorts of credits Tax rebates You know man Or maybe get them to fix it before you move in Is why I need a lawyer I said you haven't had any of that done yet Have you had the home inspected? Good good call

You gotta get evaluated You gotta get appraised I can do that It's recommended This is basic economics Not normally is it recommended I think it's illegal I think it's a legal bound.

This is why I need a lawyer. Well. And you must also officiate the wedding to my bride. Oh, you're getting married. Congratulations. Yes, we shall get married as the prophecy foretold. Oh, wow. Can you do that?

Can you officiate weddings? You and John are you going to get married? No. No. I don't think you saw. twice. No, the second time he said four-toed. Oh, you know, it's the hair. The hair in my ears.

I didn't even hurt that in this. Well, I don't know what to tell you, all right. I'm sorry, can you speak up, please count? It's hard to hear you over the, you know, like the gravel in your throat. Could you hear me battering the dungeon? Okay, all right, all right, this guy threatening us. This guy threatening us.

I don't take more. Or in the pit to the abyss with circle. Okay. Hey, count, look at me. Hey, I'm talking to you. Oh, the carrot looks at you. I'm getting real sick about hearing about this demon, all right? I'm getting real, I'm going to tell you right now.

Do not fuck with us. We have the power of Knight Here and Marquis Zake cartoons on our side, all right? Night here. Yeah, that's what I said, buddy. Failed enemy of Cirque. Oh, maybe. Maybe, pal. Alright?

There will be a very cool demon battle. Whoa, that does sound pretty cool. I'll say it really was all part of the show. Tell him what level you are. I'm like a level nine at night here accolate, okay? I got a card and everything. I flash my card. Level nine?

At least. He gets a bonus points. That probably needs to be updated by now. Huh? What do you think of that? I have level seven hundred and ten. 165 with Searle. Well, I'm still not even sure that guy's real, all right? One of us has a real, a real card.

Yours looks like a fake. One more sacrifice and I get a free smoothie. Dang, 700 levels for a free smoothie? I can't get anything. At the cafe. The smoothie is the increment amount. It's every like 15. That seems crazy.

Maybe there's like a big one every five, but he's like on an auditor, a little even one or something. Oh, that makes sense. The damn audits didn't give me a good enough, like, pamphlet. I, you know, I'm flying blind here. Yeah, I put it back on my... You are powerless in my castle, where death reigns. I am its master. Yeah, I don't know.

All I'm saying is, you know, a couple prayers at night here, and this whole operation is going to be, you know, coming down around you, all right? Impossible. Night here is powerless in the underworld. I wouldn't say that too loud. His domain is of the sea, the rivers, the lakes. And that participating Long John Silver's location. I love Long John Silver. They have the best chicken strips of any of the chains.

Oh, yeah? Oh, you should try it. I've never been. It's spectacular. It's not that I'm a member I should, right? Yeah, they're hush, puppy. The puppies are fine, but you're really looking for the crunchies that are beneath the strips themselves. You go to a fish restaurant to get chicken strips?

Hell yeah, I do. I don't get, why would I ever get fish at a fast food restaurant? That sounds awful. That's very upsetting. That's very upsetting, baby. But why? They serve you garbage and they tell you it's food. Yeah. You're paying for that. It's not much given to what we're doing right now.

Your best friends with a raccoon. Oh, that's a fair point. That's a very good point. You're right. How does it work? How does Vodewa? On death, I know I killed these two guys, and they're just weird.

They're like all burned. That's the right ex-a-biz. The charred. It's an absolute mess. A chero. Might you want a chero. Chirro. Yes.

That's me a chero. You're passed like a chero. Is that sin a chero? Is that sin a chero? us. Our sinter twisters. May I, master, may I have one

sin a twister. It is my vacations. Very well. Oh, master, thank you. One sinter for Wigour. Oh. That's not even acting.

That's not even acting, ladies of gentlemen. It is the nectar of Cirgu. Oh, is that good? Could I try one too? Oh, you must. You must. You must. Nicky, you're, you're in the room. You should have a twisters.

You should have a twisters are in danger. Oh, man. You're all right. A little stale, but, you know. Yes, I only got little plague on that. A little what? Why, Gore? Are you guys ever gonna bring back the double dicker?

It's really good, but they're off from everywhere. It's like this guy's never had a sinter twisting before. It did look pretty good. You'd have an experience over here. Oh, uncomfortable. Oh, you can't blame the guy. You want more, right? Oh, really good.

Oh, I must. I must have waited my duties. Really, before the feast is done, really, you're just gonna, there he goes. Who goes? Everyone's here, what if we're asking? Sit and twisters, alphabet. Who is he here?

Follow me. Follow me. I mean, at his point. I must wait to the kitchen. Get out of here. Goodbye. For the wedding ceremony. Oh.

Is that that term? Oh. Is it even, is it, is it? Your gout flaring up again? Oh. Among other things. I'll say just a little bit of the plague.

Just the spot of plague. Just the spot of play. Just Wigel. Of course, of course, of course. I must wave to the kitchens. Him a forbidden wing. Oh, John, I told you not to drink that. Oh, God, come on, man.

You should try some. No, no, what does it taste like, though? I'm a little curious. Um, like a fiesta in my mouth. Really? Yeah. Go on try it. You love me.

No. You shouldn't drink that. God, oh, it is like a party, but everybody's throwing up in my mouth. Oh. Oh. Oh. How are you drinking that? Maybe I'm just used to it. You know.

Oh, God. I can really use some bourbon in there. Good Lord. It's the drink of the... Oh. I can't get it. It's like stuck to my tongue. Are you guys going to die? I don't, I don't think so.

No, it's pretty refreshing. It makes me want to die. You guys are going to turn into like these guys over here. over here where your eyes are going to gloom Do not listen to this liar he speaks Lies he does not have imagination He calls me a liar

He speaks ill of the Iikur Hey, don't call him a liar You must think grander You must think bigger You must think outside the bun I don't like it when people call me a liar. I don't think you're a liar per se, but... Has the deal.

I don't like it. I did try it. I don't like when people call me liar. I just mean try to think outside the pun. Have you ever, I mean... Oh, I think outside the bun. Are you sure? Okay. Okay.

I just, you know. So what, if I'm a liar? All right? You can't be calling me a liar. That means I'm not lying very well. I don't think he was calling you a liar. I think he was calling you an alternative truth. I don't know.

I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like this guy. I can convince you to stop running your mouth. He throws a bag of gold coins in front of you. I mean, I pulled the gold coins a little closer. It jingled. It is hefty. I untie it. A hefty coin close.

Speak no more. My hat's gonna be... Your voice great, so... It's gonna be tough. I mean, there's a lot of gold, but... I like to talk, I just want I'm good at. See how long it can't be able to be able to. I mean this guy's not so bad. I begin to count the money, like in front of everybody.

I don't care. Like, it's the most tacky thing. There's dozens of gold points. I'm like stacking them up and like, mm-hmm, Like doing tricks. Yeah. Now, Booker, you don't have to stop talking, but I think I figured out what's going on. Okay, what? Tell us.

I think this is a murder mystery dinner party. Oh, really? Oh, that's so exciting. I've always wanted. I wanted to do one of those. I'll say, I agree. He's acting like he knows who Peggy is and there's some sort of prophecy, so I think we're all supposed to be role-playing our character.

The riot of death is foretoed. Oh, I heard it that time. There it was. I heard it. But Grumley, don't murder mystery. Dinner parties always start with someone saying, there's been a murder. Has there been a murder?

Can I more luck? This very night. Oh, what's true? You know! Wow! All right, let's play. A murder of my long-term guest, Mr. Tuppins.

What? His body was just found covered in Greece. No. Sliding doors, the ravine. Ah, we don't, we've never heard that name in our lives. Please. Mr. Tubbins, no. He was like a brother involved to me.

I would say, I mean, we're not found by a couple of large flies, was it? Yes, my dear pet flies found him. Oh, ho. Are you sure? And informed me right before you and dirty. Well, perhaps. it was a domestic accident and not a murderer at all. Maybe he just slipped in his own grease. Very reasonable explanation. Mr. Dubbins is a dimwood class gymnast. He would never slip.

How old was he? Oh, please say over 40, please say, oh, please say, he was 47. Yes, I mean, oh no. You know that the most common cause a death for people over the age of 40 is household accidents. That's true. That's so true. Is that true? It's very true. Statistically, it's true. But we should role-play our characters to figure out who've done it.

Because this is role-playing. Who could have done this thing? It could not have been an accident. He was supposed to be my best man. Oh, let's see. Oh, well. Well, they won't he come back and have all glowy eyes and stuff? But it takes time.

The bell must toll for him and he must be prepared with the necropolis, I-Corps. See? That is where Vigor is going. Oh, we don't have time for him. Listen to count one. This is what he says. But, I mean, I'll assume you're planning on getting married like a year from now? Oh, this very nice.

Oh, this is not a lot of notice. The night of... the mother. Who are you gonna marry? My dearest bride, the bride of death. The one who joined me alive. Was she gonna join us at dinner any time soon? Do we get to meet her?

I'm the one who what? You want me to do a hair? Yes, you, Margaret. Who, Margaret? Oh, hold on. I pick up my name tag and I flip it over. Oh no, look, it says right here. I'm Grumlow Puggin.

The Philosopher's Subclass from the Crooked Moon, Available at the Crooked Moon.com, for the order. Oh, oh, oh, that's how we're playing. Yeah. Oh, the dinner theater. Mine says Margaret, you're right. Oh, my God, you know, it says that I'm an alchemist looking for the secret of the Philosopher's Stone,

and that I need to use the laws of equivalent exchange to grant myself eternal life. Huh, mine just says bouquet. Do you have a thick, doing this? Do you do this? I mean, I had nothing to do with the car. Mine just says, Margaret, towed bride of death. Mine says chair.

Oh. No, that says, do not remove. You pulled it off of the cushion? That is illegal. Oh, shit. Oh, hey, Betsy, he can be sued for that. Oh, no. I need a royal.

Well, this is going to charge you. I think we're up to Quintuple. We're so screwed. I have to protect you from the lawsuits of the jail, marry you. I don't protect me. I didn't know. Bixie, how could you do this? Of all the things that you could have done in the last 48 hours.

Well, I'm nervous. There's all these dead people walking around and everything's fucking crazy, and you guys won't listen to me. I've seen some heinous crimes in my day, Bitsy, but not one time, not one time have I seen somebody remove the tag. Enous crimes. I've seen some anus crimes. I don't bet you have.

I don't know how else to say this, but I don't doubt it for one second. There really is no one way to say that. And you would be right. But you must have the wedding, and then you will all be sacrificed to Circu. Well, I don't want that. Well, too bad. You cannot stop me. I am all powerful in this castle.

The door slam. Oh, no. Oh, I broke one of my Dorino tacos again. The bottom always part. Toddling, goodness, I was loud. I am the master of this castle. I am the master of this on the world, you must do as I say,

or you will be sacrificed. Well, you'll be sacrificed in the day. Oh, okay. Is this still part of the play? Is this like, are we still, are we still playing? Yeah, no, of course. Oh, oh, you know, you're right. We're gonna be sacrificed?

We're gonna be sacrificed. Oh, I better, I better figure out my magnum opus right away. I must get to my studies. Who's- Do you think. Oh, who's sitting next to me like, oh my life, like the first, non-us. Who's like sitting next to me? It's Doug. Oh, perfect. Hey, hey, Doug. Hey, it's me. It's Booker.

Oh. Buker, yeah. Quick question. I was just enjoying a canteen a chicken crispy top. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't need to interrupt. This is very important. Okay. Do you know where under the dim wood we are? Like, like what, like, do you know about the top, like above where all the clearings are and the, and the woods and the pathways? No, I mean, I, I only know where. We're death rains. I don't think death rains up there. You've never been above?

You don't remember anything above the... No, I'm a skeleton. What if I said there was some gold pieces in it for you? Oh, I mean, I... I'm a skeleton. I have no use for gold. Can you grab me something? Bones are my money and sort of work.

What? Wow, duck. Get out of town. Worms and bones are money. Are there like maps anywhere? Like, I gotta know where we are. Like, under the ground. Is there like a map or something?

something. Bones are his money. I don't focus on that. Bones and worms are money. You're so rich. Look at how many bones and worms you have. Yeah, you've got like 216 money. Yeah. But also the worms. Are different bones worth more bones or less bones depending on how big the bone is? Yeah. Like that FEMA, that's gotta go for a lot, right? Compared to your like your pinky toe? No, I mean we gotta collect them. We gotta keep our bones on. Oh. Hey Doug. You know. Yeah, what's something? I toss my leg onto the table. You know, frog legs are a delicacy.

Oh. She's a count and leans forward. Oh, he's a foot guy. Did anybody else see that? I was the only one. He's always rolled back. No, I saw it. Yeah, that's a foot guy right here.

Oh, yeah. That was not a sling. That was an inhale. That was not that. No wonder he wants to buy a home lost purpose. There's a distinct difference. If there's any way I can find out where we're at, I need to know.

I gotta know. I mean, I... Death, that doesn't rain up there. Yeah, but this is river. River runs all through the dim wood. And I think we might be underneath of it. The lakes, the rivers, I think we're underneath of it. A river.

Giant one, big one. And you know what's at the bottom of every river? Bones. Well, that too, for sure. What kind of bones? Everything that dies and falls into the river. When someone murders, someone wants to get rid of the body, river. Also, worms live there.

Yeah. In the river. Worms rain there. I did lose all of my worms in the poker. I'm sorry to hear that. Let me talk to the guys. Let me know just what you find. Like some gold pieces for anybody who's interested.

Come on guys. And they all get up. And they all stand up and they do this. And they all join hands. And they circle off. They circle off. They circle off. As they then circle all.

See it, Doug. It's always a pleasure. They'll put their arms together. Always a pleasure, Doug. They do a little stylish jig as they whisper to each other. Doug's such a nice guy. He really is.

He just walked in on me while I was in the bath, which again was weird. He kept running into each other. But was he polite about it? Of course. It's almost like he's drawn to you. It's weird. Paths keep crossing.

You just have that electric personality. That's very kind of music. Magnetism. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. I think that there's a demon in the basement that's causing all these dead people to come to life. And Eddie.

You're gonna be forcibly married to Count Morlock and then we're all gonna be murdered. No, it's a role play. Her name is Martha. Margaret. Margaret. We need you to calm down, Biffy. This is crazy. You're just ruining.

You're ruining the move tonight. Hey, don't you talk about our friend that way. You don't call her a bitch. I think she needs some medicine. That's not a nice thing. to say to people you don't even know. Bring the heroin. All right, well, hold on.

She doesn't talk about this. I'm not really not such a bad guy. I always wanted to try it. Maybe he's not such a bad guy. Maybe you can't say what you'd like. Oh, he's so occupied. Oh. Come hither, man servant.

No, wait, you don't. He is always late useless. He needs a vacation. It's been nine years. In like 11 months. Yeah. In 11 months, yeah, that's quite. God knows how many we should think.

He will enjoy his guaranteed PTO. He submitted it very late. I may not approve it. How late, if I may ask. I'm just curious. Seven months late. Like, like he waited, like the last seven months of his 10 years, you waited? Yes.

How far in advance do you normally require your employees? Three years. I mean, look, it's, I gotta be honest, but it's getting hard to defend Wigo. I mean, like, he's just, you know, he's not following the rules. Well, yeah, I gotta- I really wanna stick up for the guy, but if he's not following the protocol, the policy, I mean, there's not much we can do. You can't do the job.

You can't do the job. Three years is a lot of runway, but I mean, he's had seven years to figure out the vacation. So, I mean, I guess he just does. I guess it just stuck. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Avantress and gain access to tons of exclusive perks, including a monthly movie night

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I think we're going to die here. I don't think that's true. This is all, it's all a mystery science, theater, I mean, dinner, theater, whatever we're calling it. Mystery dinner, is it? Yeah, it's a whole dinner, theater thing. I trust you. I certainly wouldn't like to get sacrificed at the end of a wedding.

I wouldn't have terrible. Oh. That sounds awful. You know, to be honest, though, if you think about it, being sacrificed is a pretty bitch of. way to go. I mean, it's better than dying from a heart attack or falling down a stairs by slipping in your own grease. That is a terrible way. Poor Mr. Tupping. Yeah, may he rest in peace. He was too young at 47. He was just a key. Yeah, pull one out for old tuppins, yeah, pull one out.

Poor tuppins. May he rest in Greece. That's right. But my dear bride was foretold. Who would leap, who would hop, who will bounce on it, crazy style? Oh, is he saying what I think he's saying? On it? Yeah, is he talking about? Who is he saying? What he's saying? This guy's a pervert.

I think he's talking about his cock and balls. These guys are perfect. I think he's asking you to do tricks on it, crazy style. It's nice to know that my reputation precedes me, honestly. I emphasize the craziest now. Is that something you do? Is that like a peggy specialty? There's a reason they call me crazy frog.

Oh, is that the crazy frog? Ah, oh. We will listen to the electronic remix of Beverly Hills Cup theme on repeat whilst we do it after the wedding. It's not something I've tried, but I'm not saying no. Well, just one more back door.

That's a pretty hard tempo. You can keep that up for long? Yeah. It is wonderful. It's not gonna be my stamina you gotta worry about it. I don't like this conversation. How does it always end up like this? There's perverts everywhere. We're talking about things we shouldn't be talking about at dinner.

It's just like... It's just one meal. That's all you're asking. I know. I know. I don't ask for much. It's almost like we're uprooted colon-dimwits of the dimwood. I would. I'm glad you to deserve this. You know, perhaps this is our fate, Booker. I just, when can we go?

Are we done? Count, this has been a lovely dinner. No, we need to get sacrificed. Oh, are we gonna get executed at dawn? No, the show's over. Look, I wanna go, I gotta go find my dad. He's gotta be around somewhere. I have to do all as lawyer.

It's like your dad was dead. You must review the contract. We have a wedding to go to, then you must all be executed in dramatic. Mr. Morlock? That's just... Yes, crazy, crazy. You are crazy.

Do not trust anything you think or say. We can just, we can drop the ass, all right? Your mind is lying to you. She's crazy. I have a question. Am I gonna be sacrificed before or after the wedding? You will be sacrificed, but then rise again as my bride in death after I feel.

after I feast upon your froggy, freaky flesh. Okay, well yeah, I'm signing on to that. But is that gonna happen before or after the wedding? Oh, that is after the 72 hours of freaky-style crazy frog on the creepy. Jeez, right in front of my burrito. Like, come on. Here's the thing.

It's, let's say. It's, let's say. Yeah, I mean, but let's say I actually do get sacrificed. What a way to go, am I right? After 72 hours, a freaky crazy frog? We are going to party like it's 2003. It's gonna be animal style like in and out. What does that even mean?

Animal-style? I don't know. Look, this has been lovely, count. This dinner, the entertainment has been great. We can just drop the act now, right? Just let us go. We can go back up to the dim wood. It all be great.

We appreciate the hospitality. Thank you for everything. This was very satisfactory. It's been acceptable. It's been great. The meal's been pretty good. It was fine. It was meat. He was mid at best. Your taco salad was mostly chips.

There wasn't any toppings at all. Wago ate all the sin of twisters. Yeah, that guy said, Where on all? He took all of these sinner twister. Yeah, he took him with him. You didn't see those? I am going to deny his PTO.

Oh, shit. Oh. Don't you do that. No, no. To Margaritaville for so long. Well, you can't steal from your employer, brother. Perhaps he can try to go to lost pervis in another decade. No.

Oh, that way the whole other ten years? Yes. Holy shit, that's a steep punishment. I don't think he's gonna make it. Really? No. That's dark. Yeah.

Good Lord. As long as death reigns here and I am the master of this castle, you shall never leave. So, anybody know any good party tricks? I can try to put a hat on, but then I can't. I can put both in my legs behind my head. Do that one. I guess you could do that ones.

I do. Wow,za. This guy is like sick, man. Yauza, hit the steams. Now that is crazy frog, Axel F. Sweden. I'm gonna scoop all the gold on the table back into the pouch. Do I know how much gold is here? Oh yeah, it is, uh, it is 96 gold pieces.

Okay, that's pretty good. Wow. It's a ton of gold. I'm gonna write on it. 96. Okay, I'm gonna stick that in my pocket. Anybody else? Jean-Claude, I feel like you have some nice, you know, fun party tricks. What party trick would you have, lawyer? Well, I'll say...

Lawyers are not tricksy, nor fun, nor good at parties. Well, all of that... They are minions of the hells. That is why I called you here. Disgusting. No, no, dude, you know how you quote the film Rockadoodle every morning? You know what I mean? Oh yeah, I can recite the entire folk.

He does the whole thing. It's crazy. Every single line in Rockadoo. Yeah. Including my favorite character and number one, the Wifififers. Believe it. My new Peepers, that is so good

you would think she's in the room. Well, I am all ears. I ever said all of Rock. I'm gonna decide all of rockadoodle. How does that, how does that? It ends with him doing the cockadoodle do. Every morning. That's twice today.

Every morning. Go, soot. Rha! Did we just win? Did we just win? I was waiting for that. I was, I don't know. Did we just win?

Please tell me we more. I was like waiting for me to do it. As he screams, and in a horrific burst of light, he explodes and completely turns into ash, and you see all the charred zombies that are next to you, as they crumble. As you see Doug and the boys dancing around, and they say, uh-oh,

and they collapse. As they collapse, and all of the dead, The zombies and the skeletons all around this room completely collapsed as where Count Morlock sat is just a pile of ash. Oh shit! What the fuck? What happened? Well, this has never happened before. They hadn't rocked. You made all these people turn to dust. He killed on death. Well, I didn't know. I didn't mean to.

I'd spend it beside every word out of the... It's like some special power that you have. Like when you went book, it was blowing up them heads. Oh, man, you think if I recite rockado doodoo from top to bottom and then cuckoldo do at the end? That I can destroy all undead around me. If they were so as much undead? That seems to be the implication. You know what this means.

You don't get to do 72 hours of crazy fraud? Oh my god, how unfortunate. Yeah, but, well, maybe you would know this better because I don't know property laws, but here's a big underground mansion now with no owner. And we can make Weigar our servant, we can give him PTO. Or maybe we're lucky and he's dead too. I don't want to live down here.

He's got the plague, he's not dead. Well, as a wise law man once said, of course, the, uh, reaches keepers. I know we just keepers. But I kick bits. Now that's your deep cat. Holy shit. We'll find out if there's a demon in the basement first.

Oh no. If he's dead and she a cool's in the basement, then who's... Uh-oh. Well, as soon as Booker's done crying over Doug, we could probably go down there. Oh, see, see? Oh, master, I am coming. Your loyal servant, Weigour, who looking forward, I've brought a grand tray of wetting, strawberry daquery. Oh, I'll say that. Oh, joyous day I brought enough for everyone.

No joyous day. Oh, yes, my master! And you hear the door open is Wigar steps in, holding a huge tray, a very... It took him the entire time, the entire feast to make this many daugries. Every single one has an umbrella in it. Oh, exactly. Extremely tall flutes is very thin. Yes.

The like... Master! Ha! Don't you drop those! Don't you drop those, Wigall? What have you done? No, we didn't do any. Hey, we didn't, Jiminy.

It was not- My master! Oh, I'm going to just very steadily walk over to the table. I place them down without spilling the trunk. Thank you. Oh. No, master. They're all dead. Even Doug.

Even the younglings. No. Well, we haven't checked everywhere as possible. It's possible. Death no longer rains here. Everyone burst into flames or dust so they fell apart. The corpses, they just crumpled. Oh, dear.

Oh, no. My master. I say why I go on. Who was going to approve by PTO? No, well, that's what I was just going to say. You might be inclined to be extremely upset, but Count Morlock spent the entire evening talking about how he was getting ready to decline your PTO. Oh, that's right. My master would never decont by PTO.

Oh, he said he spent hours. I heard the whole day. Talking about how you had not submitted it in a head in timely fashion, he was seven months late. He was gleefully talking about how he was going to decline your PTO, so you specifically couldn't go to loss. Be honest, you submitted it late, seven months late. Seven months late. He said that. He did. That's what he said.

Yeah. We swear. He said you could try again in another decade to take a vacation. When I think that's... My master would never say that. I'm a loyal... I'm his loyal mad servant. I'm his loyal play rat servant. Well...

Make a persuasion chat, group chat. Oh, I didn't take any dice out of one. You can grab one out of the shy whole usy. Or bring my... Or bring my character, you know. I get a dirty twin. a dirty twain. You can grab one out of the shine Halisci. We're all making one. I'll get it. What was it?

I'm going to twist it. Persuasion? I'm pretty good at that. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I'm going to twist it. I didn't grab a single D20. How did you get so many D20s when you did this? You know, I know how to navigate the Halessi. You pull them all out? You've pulled them all out. You got to roll it harder.

I'm going to be twisted. It's loud. I'm gonna twist it. No, I'm gonna twist it. I'm gonna twist it. I'm gonna twist it. I'm gonna twist it. You have to roll it crazy style.

I'm gonna twist it. I'm gonna twist it. I'm gonna twist it again. That's three. I'm twisted on it. Oh, so close. I'll twist it. I'll keep that.

Okay. I'm not going to twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay. I'm gonna twist it.

Okay. Hold on. We have them. Okay. I'm gonna twist it. Okay, hold on. Is this loud, is there like a tray? I'm gonna roll on this mouse pad. Okay. I'm gonna twist it, okay? I'm gonna twist it, okay?

I'm gonna twist it, okay? We got to twist it, okay? We're gonna twist it, okay? I'm gonna twist it, okay? I'm gonna twist it, okay? I'm gonna twist it, okay? I'm gonna twist it, okay? I'm gonna twist it, okay?

It's one of four values, it just doesn't... Okay? That was a 19, that was close. That was never one 19. No, 19's on the other side. Okay. Natural 20! Oh my god! Oh my god, I got a 24, I think. Or 26. Hold on, let me take a look. What everyone else kept? I got a dirty 20. Okay. I got a 19. Okay. 25. Okay. And Booker got a 16. Yeah, his is also plus nine. Booker got a... Yeah, 20.

Master, would say such a thing. He did. He did say that. We'll have to Ask him. I'll ask him myself. How? He has a philactory. A what? As long as it has not been touched by mortal hands. Like a place where people work?

His spirit can return with the power of Seacool. It takes the form of a Renfield mobile device. I must away to the Renfield room. Are you saying that in the Renfield room, there's a, a device that if he would be fine to resurrect it unless it is tough. As long as no mortals have soiled with their filthy paws. Oh, no filthy paws over here. Oh, no, I've never seen that.

Yeah, we just cleaned up. Oh, master. This ash all over my hands. Well, the philactory bring back, Doug. But only the master can bring back. Douglas. Well, I'll say, so if the count was in fact keeping Sirkule imprisoned, I'll say, I'll say. Oh, yes, yes. If the Count's philactery is not able to return him, surely Seer cool will be unleashed yet. Yes, unleashed free to reign in this castle, then hell will chewy rain.

I'll say, I'll say that was gonna be my question. Oh, yeah. Michael, I'm sorry, I'm overcome with grief. I might miss this. What is a philactory, was it look like? Oh, it looks like Renfield, the great comedian who loaves the Mondays and loves a good Lasagna. It's him kind of awkwardly like leaning forward and kneeling

with his ass up, and you can communicate through it. Yes, as long as mortal poles have not soiled. As long as nobody touched. As long as nobody's true. Anybody else. I mean, anyone comes to war on you know. That's a pretty specific thing. I think it'd be hard for us to touch and not know about it. I'll say. Oh, I'm sure no, it is a forbidden room.

No mortals, not even the dead, have been in the Renfield room. It'll be... behind the forbidden door. He'll be right back, I'm sure. How long does that usually take? Yeah, that's a good... That was going to be my next question. Thank you. I must go. I must initiate it. It requires a loyal servant and a great sacrifice. I will spill my life blood upon the Renfield phone.

No, don't. If mortal hands have not swilled it, he will rise. Are you going to be able to tell whether or not mortal hands have touched it before you? No, no, of course. That was why would it? So you're just going to walk up, not know a thing and just... Wigo, hold on. This is coming from me, your biggest detractor.

I think you're being hasty, and perhaps you don't need to Perhaps you don't need to spill your own blood to, you know, figure this out, all right? No! Oh, put the knife down, buddy. Hey, just let's settle down. Let's just talk about this, all right? Why don't you enjoy a nice strawberry dachry?

He might be brought four to seven strawberry dais to the table, so please, I'll help myself to one of those. Look, I enjoy it. Now that I'm done morning, Doug, as I sip on this dachron, I would like to go through the Count's pockets and see if he has any gold left on them. You don't find any gold, but you do find any gold, but you do find a silver key that seems to be surprisingly well polished despite the state of this castle.

I take it. Don't mind me. I'm just, you know, making sure everything safe. Well, I suppose a little daughery breakthrough, Wai. I reach up to grab a dacry, but I'm a little too short, and I accidentally hit the tray and I knock over all the dachries. Oh, wow. We poured out 45 of them for our dug hair. Holy crap. Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to tip them over. No, I didn't even get one. Oh, we're laughing up at Doug's. Each one of those was perfectly individually concocted before each dinner. Can you make more? I mean, it only took, like, the entirety of the recital of Rock-a-Doodle-Doo for it to be done, so. Well, the good news is now that everyone is dead, you only have to make. Make a couple of them.

Yeah, you just have to make... And one for yourself. It was only me, Weigel, the henchman. You... What? Me? You... Yeah, Booker.

My name's Booker. You. Crazy Frog, I think he called it. Yeah. He always said we are going to party like it's 2003. Oh, did you ever show up? I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what that meant even.

Did the heroin have it? He beckoned for heroin. That's right, he did. Yeah, we are waiting for heroin. We've got to turn this party up to 11. Oh, I love stories. I will stop at the poppy minds. You have those here?

This place just goes on forever. Yeah, didn't you hear about the heroin earlier? I did, but I didn't assume there were poppy minds. Is that where she hangs out? And you and the coachman and Mr. Duppins. Of course, Mr. Duppins is alive. We have been, we. Of course, of course.

We received some not so good news that he slipped and fell. He was 47, you know that? Oh my God. 47? And he slipped and died. Just a kid. Yeah, it's unfortunate. Just a kid.

I know. Oh, Mr. Toppins. Cut down in his prime. Oh, he was always so good to Wygor. He was always crocheting me little sweaters. That's nice. It's kind of sad. We would always do the words jumbled together.

Did he have like a role or a job in the castle? He was more of, you know, one of those house guests that'll never leave. Oh. Oh. I was just hiding in my closet. He jumped out of me. Did you love Mr. Tubbins? Love him?

To clarify, she's not asking if you have carnal knowledge of him. I just want to be very clear. That's exactly what I'm asking. Oh, Jesus, pity, come on! They get the word jumble. Oh, Wygors saves himself for the sluts on the street. The what? The what?

Oh man, you need that PTO bad. He's got that PTO so bad. He's not backed up. Why do you think he's been hollowing around like that? His nuts must be the size of grapefruit. His legs were looking fine. He's so bow-legged. Good Lord.

Like two pineapples hanging. Every ten years he returned back from love for him. His eyes are straight. He's walking, he's gone. He's whistling in tronty-two. Oh, wow. What we thought was gallop is just... Blueball.

Blue balls. Ah, good Lord. Oh, I must find the phallactory. Should we wait here? You're gonna go do that? We should go with you? Yeah, what are we doing here? I was gonna lap up some of the daquery off of...

He's a bunch of broken glass. He is going to the forbids. Look, all the daugries pooling in Doug's skull. You just drink it right out. Oh, like a pirate! Oh, this is so flavorable. Just like a margarita. Look, Doug wouldn't mind.

Doug wouldn't mind at all. wouldn't mind at all. So should we follow you? Oh, what's, what are you thinking here? Oh, my master. This is the private thing you want to be alone? Only the six of us and the coachman and Mr. Tubbins is alive. Oh no, Mr. Tubbins is dead.

He could have reigned here, but no longer. But if the master returns, I will give my life for the master. Then he'll approve my PTO. This is just tragic. I must away. Would you like us two away with you? We should come with, we should really ask for you. Now that there's a potentially an unleashed Lord of Hell in the castle,

we should, you know, just in case. No, that's impossible as long as the master spirit remains in the Renfield foe. Untainted by the paws of mortals, Seer cool shall never be free. phone you mentioned, a phone? Reddenfield phone? Yes, yes. Never to be touched by mortal hands.

Are you sure you don't mean the Levi and maid outfit statue? Oh no, that is touched by mortal parsivari. Oh, what? Why would they? Oh, my goal will never tell. I'll never tell. Oh, God. Okay.

Well, I guess we shall away with you, if you'd like to lead the way, and we'll see what we can do. Well, and just for knowledge's sake, is if Circul, is he tied up, like in the dungeons, in the direction? In the bowels of the castle? Like in the direction of the- Not in the dungeons, no, no. But in the general direction of the forbidden we. Yes. How odd is it to escape the bowels of the castle?

if the master is truly gone quite easy, I'd show. Barely an inconvenience. Oh. Barely. You really think that there'd be some sort of like fail safe or something. Oh yes. The master's invulnerability.

I still don't know how he was able to be destroyed. He only has but one weakness. What weakness is that? What it was? He must be returned to the grave dirt in which he was buried before the first cock crow. How could this have happened? Nothing like that happened. Mr.

lawyer, how could this have happened? I was just reciting rock-a-doodle-do and then of course as you know it ends with... That's my favorite movie quote. It must have been treachery from Doug. No, Doug would never. I won't have you bespurched Doug's good name. Oh, no, the younglings. Oh the whole wing, the ghoul school. wing of the castle. Oh, no. Hold on!

Oh, come, come. Oh, did you say, school? Yes. Oh, that's not good. Not the whole school? All of them? Oh, we must burn that wing of the castle. Oh, boy.

Oh, so do we have that. Yes, we operated at boarding schools actually quite uncomfortable now that I say it out loud. You operated the board and school. No, no. It was your responsibility? No, no. We always had wacky teachers that think they're stuck in the 70s. Even though they're not at all qualified.

He's naming numbers like 2003, 70. What does all this mean? I don't know. I've lost his mind. He's on the rocker. It must be the plague. He wouldn't stop in his fever. He was so excited for his wedding, the bastard.

Do we have to- He been talking about Beverly Hills. I don't think it was the wedding he was excited for. I'm being honest with you. Sounds really excited by the tricks. Yeah, nothing to do with the wedding. I'll tell you that, he wanted that wedding overwish. Good Lord, he could talk about the 72 hours afterwards.

Oh, he wouldn't stop. Fairy tale. Oh, that would have been charming. Oh, it would have been great. Oh, there would even would have been a The character meets and greet. Whoa, we missed a carriage in the street. Oh, gosh, Michael Mouse was scheduled to come tonight.

If the master's not here to pay, oh gosh, perhaps we should hope that Sircuhl gets out. Is Michael Mouse still on the way? Oh! He may be, we must return the master, come, come. We must away. The way. It is forbidden. We must away. We go. We would like to away with you.

We guide you to the Renfield room. As he walks over, that the hero, a tone, a phone tone, as the receiver of the Renfield has been disturbed. It's been knocked up and there's handprints all over it. As Wygore looks at it. Who goes there? begins a shade. And you'll hear horrible rumbling from deep below. And that is we're all in the session. I fucking told you guys. These effects are just out of the world.

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