Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E13 | Leveling Up

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

The gang goes spider farming, talk to god, and follow the trail to unclean bears...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/vwNjW-4K_0Y?si=sDfwmpVCSA-eHtPh

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Last time on the Dimwits of the Dimwood, Uprooted. You found yourselves in a castle. Oh! The guy who played Chuck from Better Call Saul was there. Or was that the episode before that?

No, that was the last episode. That was the last episode. Yeah. Wow. I think last episode you just made Level 6 characters. Oh no, that's a count. You played the Happy Days board game, I think. And then you were visited, not by a spirit, as promised by Jean-Luc,

because death no longer reigns here. But you were visited by, I know I don't know how to say that, you were visited by a night creature. A spirit from hell ripped out and put into a corpse by a forge master. and Mr. Tuppins arrived, mutated into a fly, and you noticed that things had been a little different overnight. Very odd changes overnight, but you just kind of went with, you know, you went with the flow.

It was fun. And you met the, you went, and you realized that you had to join the quest of Godfrey Silver Pine, the coachman who had once taken, a thou of Silvers to talk, He has still taken a valise silence to never speak to anyone beyond his inner circle, his pack. And you learn about his great, about his great order or something to kill the Shartan Stain Bears.

What are we doing with our lives? The War of Softness, that his ancestor was Three Whole Punch Jim, that he had his kind had battle with the privy lords, the crimson streak and the softballs. That's where you all to know. Over the grove of the softness. The end of our lives,

this is going to be in our eulogies and stuff. Like, we're toast. We're done forever, forever marked. After the death of Elder Rollins, there was no going back in the war. And they're looking for the perfect wipe, but the silver pines are trying to prevent that On account of these being vile, vile bears, what love shitting?

The shirt and stains. Roy, we all just, like, soaking in the realization. This is our job. I just want to... You... Can I come back from the next door? Just like take a break until the next one. And the worst...

I'm into it. Let's do it. Focus on the costumes. You went to the armory and realized effectively anything that you wanted was there. and you all really got equipped for fighting bears what love shitting you really got equipped for fighting

a vampire but you already killed a vampire by... Day late and a dollar short, the story of my life. Just reciting the entire plot and dialogue of Rockadoodle. Yep, yep. Which features a very oddly sexy chicken. I don't know if you're familiar with that.

Oh, I am. It really is an unnecessarily sexy chicken. Yeah. Rocket doodle. She's hot. Yeah, it's really unnecessary. Rocketoodle is a rooster. Yeah, yeah.

There's another sexy chicken. Yeah. Holy hell. I told you. That can't be real. She's hot. She's real. What in the hell?

She's real. She's hot. You can keep going. Rockadoo explains why I am the way I am. You all donned your outfits. Oh, right. And despite the strange happenings that...

That's what I'm saying. that allegedly Yigor had changed quite drastically. I remember my name. Playgreens here. Even King George seemed to have been able to speak with a different voice and was mutated and flew off. She's a pheasant.

She's not a chicken. Oh, she's a pheasant. I thought she was a chicken. I've been under the impression she was a chicken the whole time. Yeah, me too. What else happened? Oh, you then met Godfrey Silver Pine

and he said, before you go, you weren't ready so you had to slay, I think, 10 deep web spiders. Oh, shit. And collect each, and then collect eight intact deep web venom sacks. Well, no, so the problem was the tags were all shared. Yeah. Once we got killed all 10, but we each needed 10 of the venom sacks. And the drop rate was terrible.

And the drop rate was terrible. And weirdly there were also other people around nowhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There are other people farming. Just spawning in, crazy. Any other questions? Other than why? No. You left Godfrey Silver Pine who decided to sit there, stand there stoically with a silver question mark above his head. And you went off into the darkness.

I don't know what's going on. I asked him if I could have a quest, and he wouldn't give me one. I don't know what's going on here. I keep asking, can I please have a quest? He won't give me one. Why not? I don't know. I thought that's how this game works.

Look, I made that mistake, too, the first time. You can't type it out. You're supposed to click on him. And they choose the option. Other people just walk up next to you and start laughing. Good day to you. So unintuitive. I'll say I have clicked on him, but it's just highlighting him on it.

It's the other click. It's either right or laugh. Oh, oh. See around. Sherella Ra. Oh, no. Keep your feet on the ground. You tell him I used to play a little classic.

You have to go up to him in tarps slash hail. Oh. Oh, no, I don't think that works. Well, in every question, dude. Are we in ever question? It's not great. No, we might be. Slash hail.

We're trying to warcraft this, and we need to be other questions. Anaria Shalah. I haven't spent enough time with the Worgon. I don't know what they said. I've never visited the Worgon. Fancy a cop-up. Do they really?

That's incredible. Oh my God. That's exactly how they are. Oh. No, I think we already got our quest. Are we going to opede a quest? Did we already do the quest? No, I think we already did it.

I think we're back. Wow, that was whew! No, you haven't gone. See, the question mark still silver. Damn, I thought I could get away with that. All right, well, I guess we're- I'll say, oh, right, up here, it says zero out of ten. Spot of Venoms, sacks.

So go up to him, bow your head and say, Balinash Malinore. I'm not gonna say that, I don't know what that means. Bolognage Malinore. You know how many times I've fallen for tricks like that? I'm not saying that. Look, it means something here, I'm looking it up right now on my magic phone.

Oh, I'm sure it means something. I'm probably saying something awful to the guy. He's going to punch me in the mouth. I think it means greetings, traveler. These are dark times indeed. Oh, yeah, they're really dark times. We've got to kill a bunch of spiders and get their sacks. Hey, you.

Balinash Malinore. Just keep trying it. The dark times will pass. The dark times will pass. What can I do for you? Oh. No, no, that's great. That's great. I'm worried. What do we do today?

Say, say, these are dark times indeed. These are dark times indeed. Lides be with you. Okay, okay, it's working. Say, remember the sun well. Remember the sun well. Hey there. Spot on.

Yeah, that's exactly what it sounds like. Okay, okay, okay. Say death to all who oppose us. Death to all who oppose us. See your own. Shit, shit. Oh, that's okay. We have to start again.

I'm gonna start again. Are you getting dialogue often? I mean what? Okay, okay. Go up to him and say, I do not suffer fools easily. I do not suffer fools easily. I supply only the finest goods. That's great.

This guy is starting to worry. me. I mean, this guy was talking in full sentences. Well, first he was completely silent. Then he was having full conversations with us. Now he's just, like, not making any sense. What's going on here? He's got wares. If we've got coin. I don't have any coin. I got nothing. Well, we could go back

to that vault. It was full of Scrooge McDuck levels of coin. Whoa. That's true. I think this is just classic progression. I think that it's all narrative up until they give you the task, and then he wants nothing to do with you until it's done. I think we need to go get them spider sacks. Nothing to it but to do it. We gotta get the sacks and then we gotta figure

out how to give them to him because he clearly doesn't want anything to do with us. No, look at it, look at the question mark. He definitely wants those sacks. Well, I know, but he's not, he's not communicating with us. You think just because we have the sacks in hand, he's gonna, you think? It's worth a shot. No, he's definitely worth a shot. I think we should try it, but I think we should also try and figure out what we make, I don't know. I think that's the question mark is he's, He's like, where are all the sacks? You would hope he would just say that to you instead of Baladash, Malinore or whatever.

You'd just say, where are my sacks? It's relatively unclear, but. Well, so he's the thing. We're going to collect all the sacks, and we're all going to go up to him. And we turn it in. He's going to want to just read a whole, like, multiple paragraphs and stuff.

But he's like, oh, never mind, bye. And then we're going to move on. And we just move on with our lives. That's right. Escape. If we can't enjoy some sack sherry, Then should we like draw lots to see who gets sacks first? I think we just start killing these things and we'll dull them out as we get them.

But we're going to start fighting with each other. Like what if I hit it last and then I'm mad at you because you stole my sack? Let's just give about alphabetically. No, we're all part of the same party. I don't think we can set loot rules that way. It's basically round robin. Well, if you're in my party, you're going to completely destroy my experience bonuses. Well, there's a party bonus, but you're right, we do split it five ways.

Yeah, if we just don't party up at all, and it literally is every man for himself, then we get more experience and we're more likely to get the loot items that we want. Well, but we could also theoretically mass pull spiders. And that's scenario. We could kill them at such a rate. That's a really good point. Have you seen this thing? And I actually pulled the trigger.

And like 15 cross-level sprays in the air. Oh! Oh, sorry, sorry. It's very gentle. Stop pointing that at me. It's very sensitive. I'm not trying to. I think we mass pull.

You are really lucky this isn't classic. Oh, say, kill for his bottle. Get over there. Let's go root them. I know. Those things are gone forever. I'm never getting them back. That's for sure.

Well, as long as you guys heal me, I'll go put a bunch, all right? Well, hold on. I got to summon my imp. Oh, you're right. Sorry, hold on. I wonder what his name's going to be. Oh, I'll say that's rock.

She's concentrating. She's focusing. Oh, look, it's Gackmat. Gackmat? Yeah, my old royal Gackmat. Oh, my God, is she a servant of hell? Oh, yeah. Is that son of Gak Pit?

Oh, you know it. I'm aware. This is the original one. Wow. Ever since the demons came back to with the dim one, the magic's really kind of gotten out of hand. How have you been Gack Matt? No, you know, it's been, I've been okay.

It's been in hell. You're looking good. A lot of maternal torture. Yeah, fantastic. It was really wonderful. I mean, it's very painful. Yeah, do you have some fireballs you can throw at some of these spiders for me? Fireballs?

Yeah. Oh, no. What can you do? Well, I can run around you, scream, and then die and go back to hell. Okay. But if you die, I can summon you back for some more screaming? Oh. Yeah.

I suppose you could. I suppose according to contract, you technically, you technically ever since modern markets came back to the realm on account of all four the horsemen starting to reunite. Right here it's up.

With the end of all things coming to the dimwood and all the other foresting areas. Jackman, what's it like to be summoned? Were you doing something right before you showed up here? Yeah, put your penis away, back then. Sorry. I'm afraid about you having this in your mouth.

Should we be concerned at all about the end of the day? Yeah, I was just reading some, I was on the toilet. I was going on. And I was reading some comics. Yeah? It was really funny. You see this? See if cows try to make tools, that would be very effective.

It all goes back to cow. At this point, all of our campaigns, we're just playing six degrees of cow tools separation. I love cartoons. Redfield's my favorite. Let me read this one. Oh, yes. I don't get it. No, it's like, what would happen if cows made tools? That's it. But like, why are they shaped that way? Because cows can't make good tools.

I mean, but what's the punchline? That's it. If cows made tools, what would they look like that? What are you gonna use those tools for? You can't. The house don't use tools, they're fucking cats! What's the point? Have you ever seen a cow use a tool? Lots of cows in me life. Really?

They use regular tools as far as I know. Those don't look like tools. I'm with Gromley on this. It seems less my punchline of me. Got me! Holy hell! Are you okay? Is that a hairball? What was that?

Oh, sorry. He's still here and he's still not wearing pants. Why did you shout your own name? After I possibly scream my own name, I only have a few minutes before I die terribly and go back to hell. Are you just gonna die terribly in a few minutes no matter what happens?

We've made the most shoe! And I get charged and I go, and I start attacking a spider. Oh shit, there we go. Don't worry, y'all. Get him back. There he goes. Okay. All right, here we go.

Everybody get ready. Grumley's pulling. Grumley's pulling. He's going. I broke through and I run over. Shadowbolts. I start pulling way too many. Shadow bolts.

Okay. You tell me, how does the, you go on your quest, you begin your quest, going into the skittering deep. How does this go? Um, so basically if it's like the cave

that has a big first open area. I'd pull like the one or two that's at the mouth of the cave. And then I'm gonna run in and just collect all the spiders in that first big main chamber. Okay. And how's that go wrong? I don't think if my friends can actually heal me. That's accurate. That's true. I have very little healing and I would not be using it.

And I will be casting Eldry Flask or Shadowbolt. So I cast it and every time it's about to hit, that one dies. So the cast doesn't go off and I start over on the next one, but then that one dies and that's what happens With my awesome repeating crossbow, which is basically flavored by my hunter's prey hoard breaker Oh yeah, I have the ability to attack multiple different targets over the course of a turn. I am trying to provide backup of the non-healing variety to Drumley and just mow these spiders down to the best of my ability. So I've been attacking these things solo for at least a good 10 seconds.

Okay. The second he touches them, he pulls out wrong. Absolutely, absolutely. I don't know what I'm straight, Scott. I pull, I hold the trigger and I just unleash and all of the spiders change the direction. Yeah, yeah. They begin to swarm you. These are the same spurt. Let me get through!

You have to let me! I'll be eating alive by spiders. I'll focus on these ones over here. I will endeavor to assist a Booker, but I can only target one creature at a time. So I just like absolutely annihilate one, doing somersaults and uppercuts and spin kicks. And then I move on to the next one, and then I can't do any like ranged attack or anything like that. The combat log is literally just the spider has delt 10 damage to the Booker. The spider is deltent damage.

It's like going really fast. I type, I type Gigi Noob Tank as a as a, as a man. I'm firing my whip out just missing every spider, and I haven't landed a blow yet. It was... I had attempted to cast a rain of fire on top of Grumley, right as Booker pulled. So as they all move out of the area of that,

all of these fireballs begin to slam the ground around and all your man is gone. All of my man is gone. Occasionally, amongst all the damage log, I don't have mana for that. Occasionally, it will say Jean-Claude's one hand has increased by one point. John Cloud's money is increasing.

Oh yeah. As your webman is still slowly going up. You're with your whip proficiency. Um, and I might die a few times. And so I'll just, you know, res at the graveyard and I'll do the corpse on and come back. We'll kill, I don't know, how many spiders we have to kill to get 50 sacks?

We kill like 200 spiders and get about three sacks. We divvy them up between some of us. As you kill 200 spiders, you realize that you have between you, I would like you all to roll 1D4. Oh, God. That's a bad side. Oh, no. Oh, no. I got a three.

I got a three. Okay. I got a one. I got a three. You have that many, uh, madam sacks. Oh, class. Oh, class. I got three.

I got three. How many did we need? What, five? Ten. I also have three. So we all have three. Okay, well, if we just give them. Well, I'll say I have one.

The drop rate, literal God has not been gone to be in terms of drop breaks. It looks like your weapon's broken. Oh, shit! I gotta go all the way back to that guy. Do you even have any money to repair? We got a couple of copper off of those spiders. I'm hoping the guild hasn't set the rules to not allow certain ranks.

Oh, Gil Bank repairs are wrong? I didn't know we were doing so. I'm hoping Guild Bankers are wrong, because otherwise I might have looked. I mean, Mr. Silver Pine looked like he was doing pretty well for himself, so I would imagine his guild's stacked. I'll say I'll be back everybody. I got to.

How does he do that? Oh, he's threatened. You guys all run, and I don't know how. You gotta do that. What? Well, you're RP walking all the time. You just have to toggle it off. Toggle what?

Really? Your RP walk. So that way you're not just sauntering. Yeah, you're just, it's the button, right, you never. I'm gonna keep reading about what new wowplanes need to do. It's forward slash, Bitsin, forward slash. Can I kill this city guard? I mean, you can't.

Probably not until you're a bit strong guy. His level is a skull. That means that he's real tough, but you can try. And we're not in the city, and there are no guards. We're not in a city. We should raid Orgramar. We should raid Orgramar. What's that? Oh.

She did it. You see as three strangers arrive, and right as you're going to another nest of spiders, they begin to start killing them. And killing the spiders. What? As you see that they are having great success, and everyone that they kill, they're pulling out venom sacks.

And they're having a great success with them. Well, we should just kill those guys. We can't get enough sacks. This is a TVE server, bitchy. We can't kill them. You see how the name above their head is green? Yeah. Yeah.

I attempt to level the crows. at one of the guys who I see pulling a venom sack at an attempt to pull the trigger on my repeating crossbow To see if this is truly a PV server The dimwood is the woodland is a war This is a PVP server is a PVP server. Are they our faction or no? They seem to all be moles Well I I pulled the trigger on my repeating Keraspo Oh hey guys you want to

As one mole teeth, he's filled and peppered, and his gut is filled with crossbow balls as he falls down, as he slumps forward, as he looks at you. I look over my shoulder and I say, his two friends. I'm gonna go over to him, and I'm just going to keep sitting down

over and over on his face. His two friends look at you and scream and they turn towards, into, like you were in between them and the exit of this cave of spiders, and they start running in as you hear horrible screams as the spiders all begin to descend upon them. I look back at my show and say,

guys, I don't think this is PVE. Oh, what have you done, Booker? It's gonna be okay. No, I think I killed the guy. No, once you die, you're gonna be a ghost, all right, and then you're gonna show up with this. That's pretty angel lady. Just run back in the ghost world here and you'll be fine.

Yeah, so before he gets back, we all have to come over here and tea bag him, just over and over and over again. I just wanted to see if he had any of the sacks on him. I'm not really worried about anything. Oh, no, you can't loot him. Well, I'm going to try. Well, you got to do it this way, though. Wait, there's tea? I can go with you.

You just come over here and you just sit up and down on this guy over and over and over again to show him your dominance. Ah, that is suggestive. What does he have to do with tea? I don't know, he's dying. What are we doing? You're saying, are you dead? Why is he not dead yet? I'm dying.

Can we like finish him off here? Like, no. If the rest of you would do what Bitsy and I would do and then maybe we would finish this. Stop trying to move, fuck. I would heal you, but I lost my ability. Don't heal him, we need to load his body. We need those venom sets.

Well, maybe you should throw another crossbow bolt to you. I'll say, I'm back from your repair. And I levy the crossbow out of him again. I pull the trigger. I try to finish this guy off. Bitsy, we might need to sit faster. You do, and they all go into his gun. Ah!

Oh, no. Faster, Bitsy, faster. We got him. He's not dead yet. Why is he not dying? Maybe because they're both sitting on his face. Why would that give him alive? I don't know, maybe he's giving him a,

I love him, telling his soul. Hold on, hold on, now use one of my living, giving him a second win. What do you've beat, Oh, oh. Whoa! She turned on Galoleon Rainbow. I shine a lot, there's a slot machine mechanic

that doesn't make sense of his character, and then I punch him to death. Oh, you gotta be in a gunshot. It's gonna take me... Oh, thank God. All right, now check him for venom sacks. See if he's got any venom sacks on him. I check him for venom sacks.

Make an investigation check. Okay. Holy shit. What if we done? 17. Oh, 17. You immediately find that he was very close. He had nine venom sacks.

Oh, shit, I got all the rest of my, I got two left over, who wants the other two? I'm here, tea bag. Here, half two seats at sacks. See, I knew that would pay off. It was worth it. Now I got half. I got half of what I needed.

I got all the sacks I need. How do I get out of this dungeon? You can release now. You don't know if you're just like there, you can release your spirit, Mr. Mo Man. I don't know if he's got a... He might just be gone for good. No, he released the spirit. He could have disconnected.

He might have just rage quit, honestly. He probably thinks we were going to like camp him and just keep doing griefing him over and over again. I mean... He's just grabbing a snack. He should move on. And move further into the cave. Well, we still need roughly 47 venom snacks or something. There are those two other molemen who are being devoured by me.

Oh, no! Oh, boy! Oh, he's gonna lose that girl! It didn't help him! Well, no, we should frop. Well, we should help the spiders and then finish the spiders off. I'm already gone. I'm running.

You notice that he starts to smell like... He almost is to smell like he's rotting almost like instantly. As flies are just descending upon him, almost seemingly out of nowhere, as they're crawling all over this corpse. This guy's rotten, wait up. Rotten, rotten, hold up. How do I fucking,

just minute after. I chat www. And stop moving, stop moving immediately. Oh, my God. I'm running off into the cave trying to help these games. Okay, let's make an athletic check to see how well you do. Oh, I need to die for that. I'm also running after Grumley.

He's ahead of me. But my goal is not to help these guys. It's to shoot them. Okay, contest. Acrobatics against Grumley. Yeah, I'm not really in a rush. I just, you know. Okay, never mind.

I got a 15. You know, I'm just stating my goal. 15. You manage, as they look very weak, they are covered in spider bites. as there are at least six large hairy green spiders that are chasing them. As you see that one, both of his legs are caught in this thick, dense webbing.

Oh, God, I'm happy. No, I can't leave you. Wait, he's not moving. He's not moving. Pohnly gets their first. That's fine. That's fine. Bromley, you better save this guy because he's fucked.

Is he like the web, like, mob that I can attack that is a health problem? He's starting to look like that now, yeah. It's cleave it to the wedding. Make an attack roll. Oh for you. Make an attack roll. Oh, that is a, it was a 17 plus.

I didn't equip a weapon, but I think it's a plus eight. So 17. 25. You feel the power of Dracula surged through you. Wait, I forgot, I hate God. I forgot. Oh, God. I'm free! He's severed in half.

Oh, I immediately shout out. Nice job, Grumbley, great job! As the last mole is the screams... As he begins to run deeper into the cave, as there are six spiders now around you. I try to kill the other mole man. Make an attack roll. It disadvantage to your farm.

Okay, I have a hundred range that matters range of a hundred feet The first one's gonna be a 19 okay And the next one's gonna be a 14 14 You go, it kills three of the spiders and then you're you feel like you didn't hit him and then you realize one kind of limped forward got him in the ankle and he just lets out a horrible yelp as he falls forward as he falls forward and the remaining spiders. As I watch him flow the dirt and get consumed by spiders, I think to myself, no, I think out loud,

I never knew hunting men for sport would be so fun. I would help Grumley as long as we've killed all the spiders. Yes, Grandma. I killed him. You did. You got him good. You cut him in two. You're bisecting right down the middle.

Oh, I did. Now it's time to loot him. Yeah, that's right. I mean, that's why we did this. I'm just waiting for this post-combat cut scene to end. Okay, all right, all right. Dutty, D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-R.

Bixie, hit X. He pitty eggs. Vintz, hit X. Bintz, please. This goes on for 20 minutes. Then eventually I find X and I think. Oh, Booker. Yeah.

Something has changed within me. I think me too. And all I had to do was hate God and curse his name. Yeah. It helps to spill some, you know, mowman blood too. My body has been changed. Oh yeah? It's been empowered. by the profane might of heck.

Heck? Yeah. Heck. You can say hells, the hells. Oh. It's a bad word, Booker. You can't say hell. I mean, heck.

It's not that bad. It's heck. It's just a word, you know. The hells. You're not supposed to say it. You're not supposed to? No, say, no, it's heck. Heck?

I'm a heck knight. You're a heck knight? I'm a heck knight. You know what, Grumley? Whatever makes you happy, brother. Look, see, see my armor? I do, it's grotesque and vile. Crom-Crom-e?

Cormly. Grum-y, and plead his head off. Ow! And I take the mole head and I take the mole head and I add it to the pike on the top of my halberd. Good gods! There's a second mole head that's much fresher than the old molehead. You're not even, you won't say hell, but you just decapitated that guy.

No, it would be profane. You desecrated his corpse. Yeah, but that's sort of my thing. Good, even I think that's fucked up. You know, Grumny and Palo. Oh, venom sacks. Oh, let me see a V. We got to see how many venom sacks this guy had.

This guy had nine. Yes! Oh, you know, mistress, those spider bites are very painful. I take five and I give four to grumly. It's so nice. I've said it. Yeah, I was trying to follow you, but I kept I kept drawing an aggrove from

from the other, Can you put your penis away? And I can't... Hold on. And also, why were you attacking spiders we had nothing to do with? All the way off and the deepest darkest spots of the game. It's programmed with my hellish DNA. I was wondering why they weren't following me.

I'd run past them. They would start to attack me and then they would run away. I do that. And then I'd come back. And I feel it every time. I don't forget the pain. I don't forget dying. Is this touching you get any easier?

No, no, no, no. It actually gets worth, actually. Even when you put it in that. So if I right click on you and dismiss, do you feel that too? Yes. Oh, wow. I guess that's a yes. His flesh disintegrates and it's just like a skeleton.

I started to summon him back. Oh, God, this is taking all in my man. Anybody got some milk? I don't think I do, no. You got a skein of water? I think I do, but I don't think you want it. You have some nectar juice of the gods? I'll check.

And I summon him back. I've got a rusty knife and a mess kit in the one ring. Smash the eye of sound wrong. Oh, I'm back. Oh, I feel a phantom spider. Welcome back. Oh, yeah, but that's okay. All right, good news.

I only need two more venom, sacks. Grumby only needs three. What's everybody up to? You're up to Ted. I've got all the sack got to be. Oh, shit. I accidentally put the imp on aggressive. Oh, there he goes.

It's at this point, John Claude. You hear a voice. My child, did you hear what that pug just said? I said, is that you a little God? Yes, Jean-Claude, it is I. Well, yes, in fact I did hear what he said, that he was a heck not. Oh, and then he said I hate God.

Yes, that was what I meant. Is that, are you speaking of the time, He said, I hate God, our curse was name. Yes. Oh, I thought maybe you- Can you believe that shit? I thought maybe you were talking about the time he accidentally said hell instead of heck and let it slip.

I mean, that's not good either. Another one is a little word. Jesus. General God, what would you have me do, Jean-Claude Belmont of House Belmont is your fur sword, the tip of your spear. Are you gonna take that laying down? Well, I mean, it didn't say about me.

I didn't say, I ain't. I mean, I'm just saying, do you want me to say? You gonna let them talk to me like that? Oh my God, in this setting, God is the girl at the bar who's like, gets drunk and starts shit with people and that it's like, aren't you gonna stick up for me? Are you gonna do something about this? It's like, no, no, I'm not gonna do anything about this.

I'll say, I'll say, literal God, Oh, okay. I'll confront him. I'll confront him. Who the fuck is John talking to? I don't know. I don't know what he's doing. Oh, he's coming over here. He's going right for Grumley. John, is everything all right? He just seemed confident. He's moving with a swagger that I've never really seen before. Yeah. It's ever since he put on that outfit. He's changed.

I say, and looking at you with my, like, crazy, beautiful human face with red eyes and total human body. He looks totally different. It's insane. I say Grumley, you have done several affronts to God as yourself a heck night. And one of them was that instead of saying, heck, you said hell. Oh, you heard that? No, I did hear him.

You know who else heard it? Who? Literal God himself heard it. Way up above, crumly. Literal God. Are you talking to literal God? I'm talking to literal God. He spoke to me.

And not in one of those ways where it's like he spoke to me and I heard it on the wind. No, he spoke to him with words, straight to me. Wait, literal God. You heard his voice? I did in fact, and he heard you curse him to the heavens. And then he said, he showed up and he was like, well, John Clowdy, you get him to talk to me like that.

And I said, no, literal God, I'm not. I'm going to confront him and say that that was a very poor thing to do. And did he answer all of your prayers? Well, no, well, I don't know. No, he just asked me to confront you. Oh, I hate that girl. I curse his name. No, there he did it again.

There he did it again. No, hey, you stop that and forgot it out. Hey, I said that. Hey, put that. I can't believe he's doing this. Hey, put that away. Curse you. Hey, no, put that down.

You can't do that. Every punk. Hey, no. Hey, bad don't. Bad don't. Oh, God! Hey, stop that! Stop around! I'll send you back to be mothers!

No, hey! Just shouting at the other, man. Stop! No, hey! Stop it! Stop it! You stopping both of you right now! Everybody knows that Peggy is the creator of the universe. She's God. You're talking to some minor god, John God. Well, I mean, that's a literal God. I mean, the literal God above. I mean, looking right down at me, the Light Shina, behind him.

Hon, by honor. Oh, I see, he's lost. John Claude, my chosen. Are you going to accept the heretic in your presence? I don't know what you was going on here. Such heresy. Suffer not the heretic, Jean-Clau. Why'd you have to stop them?

I want to see them fight. I don't want any of us to fight. Bidtie, you're a heretic, and I don't know when you got so boeingy, but you're a heretic of the highest order. What are you talking about? Oh, no, she's hot. It's really hard to look her in the eye. It's really tough.

I talk about. Stay chased. I mean, it's pretty nice. Come on, man. You have the blessed vampire killer. You are the vampire killer. You're literally killed a vampire. I think you carve these by hand, my friend. I mean, I can't not spare a partner.

I mean, I guess it is my finest work. John Claude, who are you talking to? What's going on here? Well, Booker, this may come as a surprise to you. But ever since I donned this cloak and took the house of Belmont, I've been spoken to by literal God. Not just spoken to, but empowered. And what is he saying to you?

Why are you got a beef with Brumley? Well, he's telling me to, like, you know, don't suffer heretics. and... I'm kind of done lucky, little god. You know, I curse his name. So I said he's not very nice, certainly. Well, it appears we're reaching an impasse.

How are we gonna get past this? And why is it just grumly? I've summoned an erect imp like 15 times, and he's had no idea with that. No, I think literal God is okay with that one. I mean, he's kind of funny. Do I still must I be aggressive, mistress? Well, you know, you could put your penis away to start.

Every time with the penis. I mean, one time. What are you doing in hell? I mean, they're not have plants in hell. In these hell is a lot of fucking sex. Where are you from, Gak, man? What stance in my hand, mistress? Oh, you're on defensive.

Oh, what the fuck did you just say? That's very funny. That's very funny. I don't justify any of you. No, I'm just curious. All right, hold on. Let me pacify him. I'm going to put him to pass it.

Oh, no, whatever you want. Oh. Well, anyway, often me and you, we could be friends, you know, both empowered by, heck. I'm gonna make him aggressive. Yeah, he runs up. He runs up. There he goes again. I thought he was gonna say some nasty shit to you. He was a super spider. He just keeps getting killed. A spider from like 60 yards away.

He threatens him. Ah! It hurts so much! Way past like 10 other spotters in between him and that one. It's amazing you can stay erect the whole time he's tired. That is a true talent. That's a generation. That's a generational talent.

Even I'll admit. It's just not very strong. All right, so what are we going to do? Are you guys going to be able to work together here? We got a serious thing in front of us here. We got to get past this. We gotta work together. We're not gonna be able to beat these bears without some help. Well, as long as Grumley doesn't directly blaspheme God drew his face in front of me.

Well, that's probably going to happen. So, you know, what are you gonna do about it? I don't know what I can say. All I know is when you're a heck, you're a heck all the way. And there's no going back, you know, unless he wants to, you know, call for a truce. Who's calling the truth? You're gonna call a truce with a God? Well, no, with Jean Clark, I still, I still curse calling you a God's name. Oh, I can't believe this.

Oh, God. I'm not, yeah. Shut up. You're stupid. I'll say he's, well, hang on, let me talk to him. Literal God. Yes, oh, yes, my son. Just for the sake of the plot,

is it okay about striking a truce with Grumlin, even though he's a egg night, so we can continue forward. Tell him, stupid. Tell him, tell him, I'm not telling me stupid. Grumlin, shut up. Grumlin, stop cursing God. I'm trying to him.

How can he let the cancellation of Redfield and Brent happened? I prayed so hard and it's so happened. Is that what spawned all this? You just, because you lost Renfield? Well, that, and I also prayed for a Sega Dreamcast for Christmas, and I never got it. Well, you should be mad at Santa about that, not God. Isn't Santa a servant and worshipper of literal God?

Hell no. Heck no, sorry. Who does he serve? This whole time I thought that he was a saint. You know penguins are full of sperm. I don't know what you say today, Maggie. Is that true? All I've got to say is if you were Santa Claus

and you were living somewhere with a bunch of sperm-filled penguins, it's not God you're going to be working. Penguins live in the South Pole. Tell her that. Look, look. You don't know anything about it. You tell God.

I was going to make a joke about the North Pole being straight North. No, no, no, no. But God cleared it up beforehand. It said penguins are in the South. And this is why. And this is why. She didn't do with sperm, I don't think.

And this is why we can't listen to anything that John Claude says. Because clearly we already know that I'm the one that created the universe anyway, and I was just plagued with you and you're weird God. I can't believe this heresy, Jean-Claude. I'm telling you, it's the penguins in the North Pole filled with their sperm that control Santa Claus.

You're saying that Santa Claus is a real person. Santa Claus is just your parents. What? No. Yeah. That's why every single Christmas I never got anything, because my dad's a bum. I don't think that's why.

Were you a bad boy, Booker? No, because then I would have, well, maybe, but I would have gotten something, at least coal. I would have gotten nothing. So you only get coal if you're good at being bad. If you're bad at being bad, then you get nothing. I don't know about that. Look, all I'm saying is that it doesn't add up. There's no way that some guy can deliver gifts to all of the dim wood in one night.

It's not possible. How do you know that your dad, you're good for nothing? Yeah, he's a bum. No good father didn't steal your presents and trade him in for money to go down to the gambling hall. That is something that he would do. but what I'll tell you is that he just told me. He's like, look. You believe everything your father tells you?

Santa's not real. He said, I'm Santa, kid. Of course you're not getting anything because I'm a no good dirty bum. Of course he would tell you that so that you didn't look for the presence he was stealing. Santa's not real. I'm calling it.

You can tell your God. Ask your God. Ask your God. Ask your God. Ask your God. I'll say, I'll say literal, guy. Yeah, somebody's heart. I say, Booker wants to know if Santa is real.

And I got to tell you. He's saying some real fucked-up shit over here. So I think that whatever you say is got to bring me around. You tell him that Santa's real. You got, man, I think, I think he needs a winner. No, I want the truth. I don't know. Hey, I'm praying.

Hey, I'm praying right now. You mind your business. Tell you God I want the truth. This is why your dad didn't bring you any Christmas presents. Because he's up no good bud. Because you interrupt prayers. Tell him that he's real. I say, I say God.

Why do you keep doing that? Whoa. You're saying something? Oh, that's some auto-advation. Oh, Santa. I say Santa. Oh. Of course, Santa's real to those who believe.

I say I'll say more. Oh, tell you the heretic that mediocre children get nothing. Which heritage? I think they're all heretics at this point. You made that maybe so. On account of that one-sumning literal tentymed to Mac Oh my goodness. I think the...

I think the ushering in of demons into the dim wood was probably a bad thing that has happened. I say, I say, Booker, Santa Claus is real. Literal God has told me himself. He's got claws. All right, you know what? Probably on your side. I'm on your side. Curse this guy? So take your fish? No, hey, put it down.

Shake it. No! No! No! I'll say, literal God! No, Bougar, put him down. I curse you. No! He said Santa Claus is real to those who believe.

No. You can't start cursing God. You're gonna continue to get no... How's he feel about this? How's he? Oh, I can't believe this. I can't believe this. Stop this. Okay, okay.

You know what God wants to tear us apart! Literal God is aghast at your actions. Good. Buga, no, please, no. Can we go back to kill us? killing spiders in peace like good, clean Belmont hunters. You really really need to be careful because if you keep down this path, then Santa's going to send all of the penguins filled with sperm to your house on Christmas Eve.

All right. And you really don't want to, you don't want that to happen. He knows what you're sleeping. He knows, he knows. Oh, yeah? He knows when you've been sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Yeah, okay.

He's going to find out, Booker. All I'm saying is that you aren't, all of you aren't the only people that have gods on your side. All right? I got all night here. in my back pocket. Well, he's a demon, is it? Demon God, what's the difference? Basically, they say, I'm way cooler than you.

Little God. Thank you. What's he ever done for anybody? I don't know, I mean, he talks to me a whole bunch. What's Naira ever said? Feed me, feed me, blood on this. Oh, tell him the Knight Here and Sir Cool are lesser demons. Oh, of course.

They're not, they're not Dukes of Hell. Literal God has said the Night Here and Circul are lesser demons. Oh, that's bullshit. They're in fact not dukes of heck. No, now this guy's not. He's lying. John Claude is lying about what is God saying. Well, I don't know.

I pray guilty to you to Duke of Help. So, I mean, you know. Did you just say help? Oh, oh, bah. Grumly, please stop the last Freeman. Got him. You're changing, Grumley. You're not who you used to be.

I can't believe this. You'll allow this, Long Clark. I can't believe this. I can't believe this. Grumly, you seem different. Oh, damn different, Bixie. I think that's gonna be a 50D KP minus. Oh yeah, and he's a dragon.

Oh, yeah, well, I have the traits of a dragon. I'm still a pug, but once we get into action in combat, you'll see that I am Draculia. Did you just see that? I think you just lost reputation points with God. You just lost reputation points with God. Oh, I didn't know you could go below hated. You weren't hated yet. Oh.

There it's going. This guy's really getting hates of very strong. I'm with the literal God. I'm with the literal God. He's a very strong. I say God, what are you on me to do? If only I had a bucket of water right now. You gave me a whip of vampire killing

and neither of them a vampire. Give him the one for, John Claude. Don't take this one for on YouTube. Oh, there we go. Good job. Shake my fist of you do. Good job. No, shake him in me. Yeah.

Yeah, you and God. No, no, put you in God. He's good for nothing. He's good for lots of stuff. He can't serve. Well, he said Redfield had a mediocre and then. I start summoning my succubus. And she appears in front of all of them

and she casts succubus charm. She does. So you have to be her now, Michael. Oh. Well, well, what do we have here? Oh, I say, oh. This must be an angel sent from heaven and literal God.

What does the succubes look like? know, you know. It's got a corset. She's got a corset on. Devil hooves. She's devil hooves. She's got a tail, bat wings. She's got a rockadoo. She's got a leather garters on. She has impressive jiggle physics.

You realize, as the suburbist appears, that she does have all of that. Yeah. But it is Gack Matt with water balloons in a bra. We're still charged. Oh wow, wow, look at that. Sean Claude, that's no angel.

Look at those hooves. Well, hey that big boy. You think that's an angel? That ain't no angel. I don't actually know I can do. Okay, yes, Mr. Mel. It's Gack Mama. Oh, wow.

I'm in, I'm in, color me interested. Yeah, and can you do that charm thing because they're fighting and it's frustrating? Oh, yeah. Wow. It's like we never left the foxes home. Let's go! Let's go.

How are we even talking about before? That doesn't matter. I'm in, we're in this together, boys. Oh, man. No, no. I got my whip and I got this spear. She has a whip and she occasionally cracks it. Oh, oh, oh, careful him.

Oh, I don't know that can be fun. So, if we can all agree to just finish getting these spider sacks, I'll keep Gack Mumma out for the entire time. Oh, right. Deal. Don't say another word. If you're all really good, I'll put her on aggressive. Oh!

Let's be really good! All right, yeah! There we go, Truce! I'm gonna put so many spoilers! Let's go! Be in-catsin. Bincey suddenly pops back into existence. Sorry, my app crashed. I'm back, I'm back.

What happened? Oh! Can you put your penis away? Oh no. We continue to kill Spots. I only need two more sacks. We strike like a well-oiled machine. We're such a team. We are leveling up. We're going ding.

If you know what I'm going. We're killing spiders. You do that. Gagmama, you accidentally click aggressive and runs off and just gets immediately annihilated by spiders. but you feel like the experience has brought you all closer together as that annoying voice in your head is is is quiet for now mm-hmm John Claude I

wouldn't have called me an annoying I can't believe you would call me annoying no I corrected I corrected the DM so that's really that's really that's really is very very insulting and you manage to get 50 pristine venom sacks. Yes. Oh. Well, well done, everyone. I'm proud of all of us.

We finally did it. It's been 12 hours, but we were able to do it. We did it. Finally. Why were we doing this again? Well, we gotta take you back to that guy with a question mark above his head. Oh, oh, man, I forgot about that.

And then what was he gonna do? Well, we were gonna get some level up so that we can go fight the shot and stay in bed. Yeah, and hopefully that he stops being catatonic and it starts having conversations with us again. We have joined his war. It's gonna be wrong. This was all a part of our attunement

to the shark and same as a jungle for us. No, we were gonna join his pack, the wolf pack. That's right. Oh yeah. Oh, that's gonna be so cool. I'm so excited. As you're leaving the cave, you hear, if you see a bit of movement in this fighter cave.

Not? What's that? I wonder what that is. Do we care or do we just wanna? Maybe, book a go check of that. All right. There could be a treasure chest over there. Oh, we have to roll for that if you are.

I scurry on over to see what is making that noise and movement. You see that there's a very emaciated mole in Squires' gear as he's wrapped up and he says, Oh, my friends were coming to save me. Oh, no, no, no, this is an escort quest. We should get out of here. Don't you dare release him.

Those take forever. I look around. Don't you dare. Booker. And I just fill him full of crossbow bolts as long as nobody's looking. And I come back. What was it? Nothing.

Nothing. It was a, it was a... We were just squatted. No idea. Not sure. That was close. Yeah, I don't know what that was. Water droplets in the cave.

Yeah, probably, for sure. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Let's move on. Let's get out of here. All right, let's go get it tuned. We got a quest to, Derek. Let's go.

which you hit forward slash. This is worse than that school. Yeah, it really is. I guess we can just leave it behind. I'll stay with her. Leave it both my hands. Once we get out of the cave, Oh, you know what?

When we get there, we'll just summon her. I'll just put down a stone, we'll just summon her. I forgot you were a warlock, that's fine. No, what were you saying? Once we get out of the cave, I summon my shunning steed. Light, light, Tyrians, Tyrians Light Forge Charger. And, because nobody else has a mount.

As they all walk back, I just want to run. Well, that's what you think. I have a bunch of heirloom gear, so I'm going to get my chauffeur. Oh. Vroom, boom, brum, brum, brum, brum. You get an error message, can't mount indoors. Got them. I'll see you guys there.

Duh, do, do, dun, do, do, uh, how did she get an airship? And we're 10 feet away. His entire underground

place counters indoors. I guess we'll walk. You cannot mount them all. So we'll hustle so that I'm basically waiting for a while. Because she's an airship. Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, when I get there,

I find out that there isn't a space to land. Yeah. So I have to go over and around the forest and I have to go through the ancient forest in order to finally make my way back to the cave. You have a very mystical adventure. You meet

you meet friends that you'll never forget. Hi friend, I'll never forget. You find enemies Ribbit, ribbit, ribot. That are just the most vile fiends you ever experience. Holy shit. You get him to you.

And you gain and lose a whole lot of loot and eventually you arrive out of the woods at the same time that your friends arrived to Godfrey Silver Pine. And you all show up, and then there is a golden exclamation or question mark above his head. Wow. Oh, my gosh, we did it. It changed. It did change. All right. Hold on, I've got this.

I'm going to walk up to him. Anaria Shala. You have found all of the venom sacks. Yeah. Well done. Victory lies ahead. Yes, my backstory is. Very tragic.

Okay. Okay, okay. Okay, that's right. Skip, skip, skip, skip. Oh, I'll skip, skip, skip. Here you go. The next part of the quest. And as gold as you hand over all of the venom sacks.

Okay, but do I want the gold? Do I want the shoes or do I want the belt? You feel golden energy surge as you get your magic item of choice. Wow. As you surge with golden energy as you arrive at level six. six. Oh, finally. You double your level.

Ding! You double and level. I'll say grass. Grats. Grats. Grats. Grats, grats, everybody. Grats, Gregs, all right. Grats. Yes, grats. Grats. Grats. You can call me tea gold bitty now. Oh.

Oh. It's very distracting. I'll get it now. As you had gone back, though, you'd notice that the mole, the gut-shotted moles is no longer there. Oh. Oh. We actually get a magic item of her toys? Yeah. Oh, cool. Let's keep it very rare. Very rare. Very rare.

A lower. I'll look on the break. Yeah, me too. I know what I want. You said the mole that was the squire is no longer there? Or the mole that you really didn't really see, but you realize that he was also wearing squire's gear. Okay. These seemed like to be a bunch of mole squires from the great underground duchy that had been perhaps going on their own quest and had all been massacred. Never to return. But it's odd that the gut-shotted mole is no longer there. As you see that there's the strange green slime. It's very putrid. I'm sure that's fine. That's fine. It's normal. I mean,

it's cave slime. I'll say, I think that was actually here when we walked in. Probably. And as you approach, you know, you're probably a good half mile away from the castle. But you hear the buzzing as you approach Godfrey Silver Pine. While he's waiting at his coach, his two wolf spiders are standing very patiently. He just standing completely perfectly still until you hand over the venom sacks. As you see off in the distance, what had once been the great stone castle of Count Morlock? is this strange amalgam of hive and flesh. It seems to be pulsing as great swarms of insects, of bugs are buzzing all around it. And the stench is wafting in your direction. It is a grotesque sight and a grotesque smell.

As you see that the castle is effectively unrecognizable. as it seems have been turned into this vile monument of pestilence. This podcast is brought to you by our Legends of Aventris Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Aventrists and gain access to tons of exclusive Legends of Aventrists perks, including a monthly movie night with Legends of Aventrists and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign by Legends of Aventrists set on the high seas, shroud over saltmarsh, presented by Lentrists.

Legends of Adventress. You can also go to the Crooked Moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement. The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tone for Dungeons and Dragon, Fifth Edition. And don't forget to snag all them extra goodies like dice and miniatures and plushes and a tarot deck and more. Thank you from Legends of Adventress. You all feel the power surged through you as Godfrey. takes the venom sacks and he places it into a large,

lined chest that he has. It seems to be lined with this strange glowing substance, and he closes it and then walks over, and there's a rack at the back of the stagecoach, and he places it on and he ties it down with leather straps as he's doing that. What do you all do? This is it, we've done it. We've ascended, we've achieved, and now it's time to go on your ultimate quest.

To kill those fucking bears. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you mean freaking? What? Well, isn't fucking a bad word? Fucking's a bad word?

Yeah, it's like the worst of the bad. It's a lot worse than hell. It's up there. It's right up. It's right up. It's on the top. Well, he says it all the time. He wouldn't say bad words like that.

He says hell all the time, too. No, I say bad words almost every other word. He also doesn't get Christmas presents. He probably says more bad words than he says wood words. He is real. Now, if Santa were real, Night Here would just eat him. Okay, tell that to the penguins, right? I will.

And then Night here will also eat the penguins. Oh. Well. He is not going to like that. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. Night here doesn't, you know, night here doesn't do. He won't blink an eye. All right.

That's right. It's like a fucking pack of gushers. Gross, but also, well done. Oh my God. Well, all I know is that I have a Duke of Hecker on my side, so, you know, I can't really complain. Maybe he larks it. I say fuck. Oh.

I don't. Wow, you're, you're, you're, it feels weird to sit now. Yeah, it's really a natural coming out. I like this new attitude. No, I think you should start saying fricking. It's weird. This is the kind of thing. This is the ferocer.

we need to take him to the war against the bears. I feel so different. You can say freaking aggressively. You don't, I mean, try it. Fricking bears. See, that's so much better. Frick literal guard, too. Yeah, there you go.

We are descended from the same blood. We are? You can be a pack alpha too. Wow. You really think so? Yes. Mr. Silver Pine? I know so.

That's the nicest thing anything anyone's ever said to me. We are gonna bring an end to these. Last remnants of these three orders, every last one of them. When do we start? We start this very night. Oh, by the way, not to change the subject, but why hasn't anyone said anything about that?

And I point to the castle. Oh my God! Oh, my literal God. What did you do? That's fine, I'll let it pass. I've been standing facing this direction. 24 hours. What are we gonna do about that?

The castle didn't look like that at all, not that long ago. Kind of smells. I was thinking we could, you know, there are five of us if we don't count him, we could go do, you know, scolomance. You do have a five-man party,

that's very interesting. Do you think my philosopher from the crooked mood costume is ruined? Oh, absolutely. I think it might be. Oh. Oh no. What's school events?

Long story. We'll catch up later. What's Mythic Plus? It's actually quite historical. It's not in this version yet. It's not in this version yet. It's the best thing ever. It hasn't been invented yet.

No, it hasn't been invented yet. We could do strathom. This is before all that. Boing Chan. Boing Chan. We can get the mount this time. I bet it would drop. Oh, we don't have keys yet.

We don't have keys yet. You can call me busty. Whoa. Whoa. Fear that perhaps, perhaps the master and the demon that he kept imprisoned here, perhaps, was keeping something far more vile from being let out. Perhaps that old rat bastard was more wily than I had anticipated. So have we made it like a grievous mistake? I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

No one ever does. Booker T Raccoon. Booker Theodore Raccoon. No, it's the. It's the. Oh, no, Theodore's my middle name. Oh, I just thought, oh, I thought you shared the middle names. No, no. His, is, is, it's da. Oh, Booker the Raccoon. Yeah, that's me.

I don't know how else to say this. This should be good. I think we may have a first rider of the apocalypse and perhaps King of Hell and You may have fucked up. You know, it wouldn't be the first time. I'll say, that's fucking cool. People make mistakes.

Well, should we be a little more worried about the rider of the apocalypse, you say? Or the Three Bears What, like shit? They don't really seem to be on the same car on scale. He narrows his eyes at you. And he walks up to you. Uh-oh. You done it, done it now.

Do you really think that because you have a blessed whip and circlet from literal guard that you believe you know what is more worth killing. Well, show him how you whip and nay-nay. Watch him whip, watch him, no, I don't want to hear him. No, I don't want to hurt him. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. You better not hear him. I say, no, I'm not going to hurt Mr. Sa- Watch him, watch him, watch him, you don't have to watch me. You don't have to watch me. I'm so mad at him if he hurts Mr. Silverpon. All right, well, that's understandable.

I'll say, I'll say Mr. Silverpon. I was simply asking a question. And yes, I do have literal God on my side, and sometimes he tells me to do things, like in front of all my friends, but not in a little while, so I think we're good there. But I simply mean to say that this seems like a demonic abomination, and down that pathway seems like a bunch of bears

what like shitting in the woods. So I mean, it's as a thing. Those bears that like what's shitting in the woods, they killed my entire family. Yeah, this is an ancestral, like, revenge thing. I don't give a fuck about it. I'm not some sort of demon hunter pledged to defend the realm. Well, I said, this is personal.

Neither am I, I just dressed like one. Oh, I mean, we could say it's the bears. I am of an order pledged to prevent these foul bears that love to shit from finding that perfect white. If they do find that perfect white, perhaps it could be worse than this. Really? Probably not. This is really bad.

All right. Look, look. A giant maggot slurms behind him. We'll, uh, look, we'll help you with the bears. We already promised we do that. I mean, you know, plus by the time we go deal with the bears, how much worse can this really get? And even then, there's got, like, we'll get an even bigger bucket of water.

And, like, maybe Night Hill just clean all this stuff. I mean, to be fair, we don't even know if it's a problem, like, we're friends with... the people who've started all this, right? I wouldn't call myself one of Wai'ra's friends. Just gonna be honest with you. But Waigo might call himself one of your friends. That would be wholly unfortunate. It's not like any of us killed, what that guy's name?

What, what that guy's name? Oh, I don't know. No, no, Mr. Chanticleer killed that. What that guy's name? No, no, I don't know. No, I'm not talking, I'm not talking about Moorlock. I'm talking about the other one who slipped down the stairs covered in Greece.

Moorlock got killed. Well, that was just an accident. Oh, Mr. Tocelawlo. The voted two old cat and the salary. Yeah, Mr. Tuppins. His name was Mr. Tuppens? Mr. Tuppins. Yes.

And so with Mr. Tuppins. He was a bit of a freeloader, actually. None of any of us killed him. Oh, it was an accident. He suffered from an accident. He was over 40. He was over 40, and he fell downstairs, covered in Greece. Oh, he was over 40?

Yes. I have a phobia. Yeah, me too. Tell me about it. Yeah. How old are you? Uh. Look, you don't ask.

That's a good question. You don't are we in the reality of this. You know what, let's not address that. I'd rather not answer that question. And get things on the wiki. That's reasonable. What are you doing? I'm just, I feel so different.

Look at me. I'm like a full standing normal proportion human with red eyes. We're wearing a white tank top and suspenders for some reason with a mini skirt. There ain't nothing normal about those proportions. Oh, look. That's a miracle you. That's a miracle you gave you stand up right. You are definitely about 20 minutes away from crippling back problems.

Your spine's made a titanium. I feel different. It's crazy. Yeah, I feel different too. Well, you look like a hunter. No, I meant when I'm looking at you. Oh, why? I'm not going to go there. The problem is you're making eye contact.

Honestly, who made your bra, it's incredible? I'm like, God, you're not wearing one. No, I'm not. How did they stay like that? I don't know. They just stay up there. They don't. Bigger than my old ears. It's fucking crazy. Can I take a bite out of one of those?

You hear a voice in your head, John Claude. I work in mysterious ways. I'm saying this is why I worship literal God. I wish we could hear it. Curse him. We cursed you. Well, no, listen. I just hope that it's actually a literal God speaking to him and not a brain tumor.

Wait, you think he has a brain tumor? No, I mean, it's possible when you start hearing voices. I say, I say, don't listen to him. I'll say, I haven't listened to him. Well, we better be careful. Brain tumors are contagious. What? I say, I say they're all heretics, John Claude.

Yeah. No, no, they're. They're all heretics. It's me, literal God. Literal God, where did you come up? You speak so well. I say, I say. Such a pleasant island.

Well, what is he'll from, Little girl? She's going to turn in to be his bubble. This is actually going to be his brother. The cracks are beginning to show. I mean, don't worry about it, though, Grumley, because you can't get the brain tumors from Jean-Claude unless he's cockled-doodled his dew in front of you

any time within the past four or five days. I don't know if you remember, Becky. He cockled-doodled his due. I'm front of all of us in like to last one day. Well, I mean, it's not like anyone died when that happened, right? So what is there to be afraid of? Wait, part of the ritual to get the brain tumor means someone has to die when he cockles his tumor?

No, I just mean people who are more susceptible to brain tumors are more than likely to die sooner than the other ones. I have a phobia of all this. I'd rather we talk about something else. Well, I think that's a problem. for another day. We've got quests to do, and we should do them in linear order.

Exactly right. And there's no telling if why go on. I picked up a quest to return this ring to someone's old broad down the road. Do you think we could go do that first? Old broad? Yes, oh, my husband died.

And in the cave with the spiders, his wedding ring can be found in there. return it to me, I will give you a sack of milk. I'll say, does it say, all my love, Mancook on it? Yeah. Oh, well. Oh. We're not gonna find his wife?

No, no, no. How could that be? We've got to find my Mancook's wife. No, I already picked up the ring. When I picked up the ring, it popped up and it said, take this back to my wife so that she knows that I loved her. Oh. And so, but it's over that way.

And so I know the bears are that way, and that's over that way. Well, I mean, how hard could it be to find Mancook Mark's wife, I mean, it's probably a very good detail. Let's go! On the way to the day! Ten years later. You spend... Days.

A week. A week passes. Looking for Man Kirk's wife. And you don't find her. God, this quest, it just doesn't tell you exact locations. And you... Oh no. We've been shouting for Mrs. Mancirk, but his name's actually Mancric.

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, no. Holy fuck, she's right over there. First person we talked to. Oh, dang it. She's in a crater like this. Yomcha. Yeah.

She's yomcha posed. Oh, good times. She seems to be a, what's an underground creature? She's like a hair. A rabbit. A rabbit. Long dead. Oh.

Oh. Well, I mean, I guess we can bury the ring with her. Let's good. Let me take a look at the, yeah, yeah, about a week old. Shit. Oh, no, it looks like she died from a broken heart. I'll say, she must have died right after we talked to her. She must have had a thought in her head.

Well, Goddard, if they had only been looking for man-cooked wife, instead of man-crick. Dang it! I guess I'll just die now. I mean, I think that's it. I think that's simply it. I will help her. I'll walk over and I'll lean down,

and I'll rummage through her pockets for a loose change. You get an investigation check. I get a two. You find a journal. Oh, shit. You don't find any loose change? you say oh, I help

I've had an accident it was my 40th birthday not too long ago I've had an accident and I saw a group of strangers walked past me they didn't hear me when I cried out

but surely I'll survive this wound shouldn't fester for at least seven days I'm optimistic it gets far more grim from there The last page is it's like a bloody, like, from the last page.

Pretty grim. I'll be with Miss or Man Craig soon. God is dead. Mancric, my dear husband, if you find miss. No change. Wait, why at the bottom does it say God is dead? He's surely alive. He's roaring like a lion.

What is this about? I don't know. Wow. You want it? It says God and it a lot. No. I think she was unraveling up in. I don't want to touch a wicked insanity.

How do we finish this quest? Do you just leave the ring just right on top of it? Yeah, I'm just tossing it. That's good enough for me. Oh, I think if you just right click her body, it's like an interactable object. Oh, oh, oh. Ding!

Except. Oh. Dud! Look at that. He's well done. Now there's another one to bury her. It was 40 free experience. Oh, wait, it was a great quest. A whole week.

Anyway, let's go Keeners' Bands or something. Yes. We walk past the castle and it's grown care of this world. Oh, yeah. It's a tight floor to ceiling. It's like shittery. It's like a full endgame Zerg base. At this point.

It's a full endgame Zerg base. On Karaj was risen in the desert. For whatever reason, though, they see, and you see that there are these horrible mutated monstrosities. You feel like, wait a minute, is that the mole that we shot a week ago,

but also a fly demon? Can't be. No, can't be. No. Definitely not. No way. As you walk by and you all get into the carriage as you begin to,

as the black coach takes off, you're all in the coach. Godfrey Silver Pine is at the top, at the the driver's seat, and you go off into the winding tunnels. As he, you hear him sniffing, and you'll go down various tunnels, and you feel like you're going up and up

closer to the surface. As you start to occasionally get the whiff of, the whiff of the outdoor air, which is very, you've been underground for so long. You haven't seen the sun or the moon or anything and so long. as you feel like you're going in the direction of the way that you came.

You eventually realize that you pass the crumbled hole in the roof of this cavern that Grumley had broken through. And you go down one of the tunnels that you had decided not to go down. As you make your way further and further and then the smell hits you. And you know you're getting closer.

Very quickly, because Tifa doesn't have any sayings that I've been trying to fit in, like, her quotes the entire night. I have an opportunity to use one of her lines from the game. Though at least with a stone sky you know your limits, out here it's endless. That's all. Right, this is a good boy. Oh, no. Applaw. Lion doesn't rhyme with Inside at all.

What are you talking about? Wouldn't you just sing in a song about you rhymed Lion with Inside? I've been figured out of it for weeks. I didn't rhyme that. It was written on the last page of that Dead Rabbit's Journal. Oh, good reading, Stan. Yeah. It said God's not dead.

He's surely alive, roaring like a lion. Oh, he's, no, he's living on the inside. Roaring like a lion. Is that what it said? That's what it's, well, lie on. But yeah, they try to rhyme inside with lion. Are you sure? Who would do that?

Well, I think that's what I read. We're approaching the chamber of Hosson. We're approaching the chamber of Hosson. The chamber of what? Loss softness. Ew, I don't like the name that chamber. They'll be able to... I'm not gonna like any of this.

They'll be able to smell of the spiders coming a mile away. I think I'm smelling something other than the spiders. We must continue the journey on foot. What kind of spiders are they? They're wolf spiders. Oh. The time has come.

For what? The ultimate hunt. It's time for the ultimate hunt. It's time, oh, it's... Yeah, same. Wait, is it's what I should say? Yeah, yeah, it's time for the ultimate hunt. Nice, well done.

Yeah. For I am Grum, the Impaler. Ah. Oh, I lost one of the moleheads along the way. Oh no, I got it. I picked it up. Must have sloughed right off. What? I picked it up.

It's like gelatinous almost. Oh, I was looking for that. There you go. It's not even gonna really stay on anymore. Oh, yeah, it's just gonna kind of like jelly right off. I'll just balance it. That's fine. I'll say, can't you impale something that's not a decrepit mole head,

like a pineapple or something? I think by the rules of like cool badass weapons, like it only has to be the head of, you know, something that this weapon killed, you know what I mean? So. Well, that's fair. Anyway. We're so close.

What is that line about the rock sock, rock lobster or something? It's a stone sky. I didn't understand it. Okay. It was kind of deep. It was very deep. It was either that or spill the beans or I'll smash them. Is that threat or, yeah.

It is a threat in the context of that quote. Or a good time. That just reminds me now that you say, Grumley, as he has his axe and he haves it as he reaches, he goes to the back of the black coach and pulls out something out of the chest. He can't quite see what it is and he puts it under his coat as he begins to lead you deeper in the tunnel.

He reminded me, Grumley, of the time and my friends and I, we were at the beach, and everyone, everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a rock. It wasn't a rock. What was it? It was a rock love story. No fucking way. Yes. Are you for real?

That's how I became the hunter that. When you came the hunter that I am, I killed it instantly. What's a rock lobster? I'll say, what kind of towels did you have? Oh no, I wanna know, I'm asking the question. I've seen a lot of things in my day. I can handle it. Explained it to me in graphic detail.

All I'll say is that we had very nice matching towels. What did they look like? Are they matched? In what ways? They were striped and poker dotted. What color? Oh, wow. Oh. Green and white.

That's a nice color towel for the beach. And yellow. I like yellow. And blue and green. That's a double green and a lot of colors. It was triple green, actually. Wow. But they all mash all the same.

Look up ahead. He startled me. The tension was thick. He scared me. I said, what's that up the earth? of hidden softness. Look how the trees grow and in the underground, but they once were soft. Now, scratchy, painful. It's just like religions. Like you're at hotel. Like you're at a hotel. Oh, no. One pie.

You know they do that to save money. Oh, I know. That's why you should steal their towels. And you see up ahead there is a... a castle, but this chamber has these withered, gnarled trees, and you see at the center of this, what looks like a ruined grove, is, looks like a cottage of some kind, quaint, charming. The smell in the air is inscribable. Philadelphia. As you, as Godfrey sneffs.

Oh, I'm tearing up. They are not in the cottage. It's humid here. They're beyond. Where? I can taste the air. We will have to. You, you investigate the house.

I'm going to go scout the perimeter. That seems like... Make sure we're not ambushed. Sir, yes, sir. No, no. Right away. This sounds like a terrible planter. Yes.

Killer instinct, don't forget. Killer instinct. You are a canine. I have a power of heck on my side. You're an alpha dog. I'm the alpha. I don't smell them. I'm going to sky out the perimeter.

Make sure we're not snuck up on by these foul, shot and stained bears. Wolfpack, with me. Every time he says it. All right, we're with you. I'm going out of your car is with my halberd. There he goes. And I barrel through the door.

I use my bum rush ability for my playing. Make an athletic chef. You run and you run towards this quaint cottage and you bum rush to the door. You're all following. Yeah, absolutely. As Godfrey Silver Pine slinks off into the size of this grove. 26.

That's huge. 26? 26. You smash the door in. It splinters. The door is big. It's very clearly made for bears. As you smash the door and it's eerily quiet. Make a reception check for me, Grandma. Uh-oh, four.

I don't know. You don't, you smell. You smell one horrid smell. Wait, is it based on smell? Yes. I have advantage on that. Six. I'm a wee bit congested, booker.

You can't smell anything, but all of you hear what sounds like, the sound of running water almost spiraling into a bowl and going down into a small hole from above you. You see there's a large staircase going up. That sounds like someone's making tea upstairs. I say, it sounds like someone's pissing too damn loud. Oh my God, he said his catchphrase. You gotta give it up.

It's the middle of the nod. You gotta piss on the side of the bone like a stealth mission. I think you, I think you should get advantage on every role for the rest of the next six sessions. I agree. I just want to let you know, all right? I know you were super quick to just take, you know, Mr. Silverpine's direction there and run with it.

It is very likely that is the last time we're ever going to see that guy. We should not have split up. We should not have sent our most expert person away from us when we are in the heart of this dungeon hellhole. Heck home. Whatever. But he's a hunter. And he survived all this time.

And he's a coachman. Yeah. Seriously, he took a vow of son. And I also bet he was this close to retiring. That's not going to fucking happen now. Why not? Because he's gonna be fucking dead. I don't think so.

He can take care of himself. I say he's the only one who knows the terrain, and he's had a blood feud with them for who knows how long. All of that spells instant death. Ever since the wipe was. Well, go ahead. Do you believe in destiny? Uh, yeah, I do.

That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose. Obviously, yes. That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds. True love. I didn't see it go in that direction, but sure, why not? True love. Because I have crossed oceans of time to find you. Me? Are you okay?

Yeah, well, everybody was doing their quotes. Yeah, and so I wanted to like throw in a Gary Olden quote. Was there, is there more to it? No. At least that's well written. I've got nothing. Hold on. I love you too much to condemn you. Still talking to me?

Absent for the Aphrodisiacum. Oh, my. One Direction. The green fairy who lives in the absence once you're so, are you safe with me? Are you making this up or like, where are you getting this from? Are these your true feelings?

Are you trying to be motivational? Well, I'm kind of trying, but like all of the garyongles are very sexual. All right, here we go. I'm gonna say, I feel like I should be watching. I'm getting a lot of mixed feelings here. But I can't look away. We don't have time for this.

In the dread desert beneath the moon's pale gaze, dead men walk. They haunt the shifting dunes of the breathless, windless night, brandish weapons of bronze and mocking challenge and bitter resentment at the life they no longer possess. And sometimes in ghastly dry voices, like the rustling of sun-baked reeds, they whisper the one word they remember from life, the name of the one who curse them to their existence. More than death, but less than life, they whisper the name, Sean Stang. Jeez.

You immediately hear a door from upstairs open and hear footsteps. And you hear humming. I come home in the morning light, my mother says when you're going to live your life right. Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. I raise my crossbow to the noise that's coming down the stairs. Booker, I don't think we're alone.

As you recognize that voice. I know, I know, but I'm hoping nobody else does. As you hear the voice of Beauregard T. Raccoon, I need this to be an accident. As he is walking around singing, Girl Just Want to Have Fun. As you hear the creak at the top of the stairs. Dad?

As you see furry raccoon feet wrapped in a towel as he looks at you and he says, That's me. It's Booker! Oh my God, you survived the Aeselon. You survived two! Oh, yeah. I was shitting so much. I got saved and adopted by a bunch of crazy bands

what loves shitting. And that's where we'll end the session. What a twist. Full circle, everybody. Gotta give it up. Full circle. Full disclosure. Beauregard was there from the minute

the session you guys went in the underground. So we could have gone down that way and found him like instantly. You could have gone and encountered the bears what loves shitting and yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. I was really hoping I could make a little like an accent. What a session, folks. That's incredible.

What a session. That is incredible. I love this campaign. It never goes quite the way we think it's going to go. It's impossible to predict what's going to happen. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Aventures podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to,

become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin Tier higher to unlock Shroud Over Salt Marsh, a patron exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash Legends of Aventrace. If you want to chat about the episode with the Avengers community, join us on Discord at Legendsofavansurans.com slash Discord. We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram, so make sure you follow our socials at Legendsofaventures.com slash social.

And make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror 5E supplement published by us. Get your own copy at the crooked moon.com. Thanks again, and we'll see you next time.