Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E14 | Plague Reigns (Season Finale)

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

After discovering Booker's dad in the lair of the Shartenstain Bears, the gang ventures out to complete their quest...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/5S5rrSlr2l0?si=cGUFGzqJKxgPdtWL

Welcome to Legends of Aventrys. I'm Grumly, and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. What had once been the great stone castle of Count Morlock is this strange amalgam of hive and flesh seems to be pulsing as great swarms of insects, of bugs are buzzing all around it. You all feel the power surged through you.

As Godfrey takes the venom sacks and he places it into a large lined chest that he has all, it seems to be lined with this strange glowing substance. Done it. We've ascended. We've achieved. And now it's time to go on your ultimate quest. To kill those fucking bears. Yeah. Perhaps the master and the demon that he kept imprisoned here perhaps was keeping something.

something far more vile from being let out. In the dread desert beneath the moon's pale gaze, dead men walk. They haunt the shifting dunes of the breathless, windless night, brandish weapons of bronze and mocking challenge and bitter resentment of the life they no longer possess. And sometimes in ghastly, dry voices, like the rustling of sun-baked reeds, they whisper the one word they remember from life, the name of the one who curse them to their existence. than death, but less than life. They whisper the name, Sean Stay.

Jeez. Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. I raise my crossbow. You hear the voice of Beauregard T. Rackeroxone. I need this to be an accident. As he is walking around singing, Girl Just Want to Have Fun.

Oh my God, you survived the Acelon. You survived two. Oh, yeah. shitting so much I got saved and adopted by a bunch of crazy bands what loved shitting. You recall that Chris Catan once had a career. I'll book him. Yeah? Yeah, what's up?

Remember nodded to Roxbury? Oh, yeah, that film was something. I always like that song. That film was something. You guys talking about Chris Catan? How does he dance diagonally like that? He just like does the thing. He just does it.

Wasn't he the one that does like the diagonal one? I think he is. I think it is. That's the hard one. He's got to be born with it, you know. He made that board game with those sheep and all that wood. I'll say, I'll say, weren't they always in sync? Wasn't that the guy that did that Mango character?

What? Yeah, Mango. Who? I don't know. Oh, he made a movie about Dad. Yeah, I think so. McGarver was way better. I mean, is that corky Romano?

Oh, that's right. Or I'll say, is that undercover, brother? Mango only pawn. In Game of Life. Are you just putting up IMDB on your? I'll sound sick. That's exactly what I'm doing. You recall...

It could possibly have been bunny cula. Jean-Claude, you recall a former client, Corgi Romano. Oh, of course. Corgi Romano. Who had a very... One successful acting career, comedy career in Felicia.

But then when he moved to the Dimwood, fell on hard times. That's most due. And he tried to get money back. after suing his manager that embezzled a lot of funds, you did not get him a cent. You settled out of court. And basically the settlement was just so that he wouldn't go to jail for

fraud, for libel and slander. Did that really happen? Oh, no, and for Togorgi Romano. I hope so. I hope so. That was really, that was really... I'll say, of course I'm not pulling this up on IMDB. Let me tell you the tragic story of Corgi Romano. I just made all that up.

Oh, yeah. Well, I had a great one. Oh my God, Booker and all of his friends. Oh! Can you believe I survived? Oh, I'm in my towel. I dropped the repeating crossbow, the repeating crossbow, and I look up the stairs as my father is at the time.

Dad, dad, it's you. I can't believe you made it. See, I can't believe you made it. I thought you were all gone as the ass. No one survives the assailant. Listen, listen. Oh my god, did you see that fucking thing? Pay attention to what I'm saying here, Dad.

You gotta get your clothes. We gotta get out of here. This is, we're in the, we're in the belly of the beast. We're in the lair. We're hunting here. We gotta go. What are you talking about? It's your dad.

He's alive. I know, I know. I can't believe it. I'll say these bears better hide the books. We gotta go, Dad. Come on. What are you talking about? This is, this is the, I got everything.

What? This place is awesome. I got various bathrooms. choose from? Very nice toilets? Dad, Dad, we're in trouble. We're being hunted. I've got a fully stocked fridge. The creatures, the monsters, they're coming. They're going to be

here any minute. We've been training for this moment. I can't be worried about you having to protect you while we're hunting these awful creatures. What do you mean awful creatures? They save my life. You mean the bears? The bears. The bears would love shitting. That's right.

The bears would really love taking a dump? That's Yeah, those are the ones. That's the one I'm talking about. There's no way. Your dad survived the Oscelot. It's your father. He's right there. I know, Bitsy. They rescued me.

Move past that. He's right there. We're all seen. They took me in as one of their own. Well, that's weird. It was like being an orphan, but I was raised even though I'm in my 50s. They took me in and raised me as one of their own. Did they see a kinship in you because you were shitting your brains out? Oh, absolutely. They were drawn to the stench of it.

They were drawn to the stink. Where are they? You know, I don't know. They said they had to go to the door to pick up something. I don't know. Oh, God. I'm going to pick up my heavy crossbow and begin to, like, load it and make sure it's ready to go. And then I'm going to look Beauregard in the eye and say,

I'm serious, Dad. This is it. This is the final stand. We got to do what we came here to do. Which is what? Kill those bears. What? They're my good friends now.

You know how long I've been down here? They can't be. They can't. The guy was with, he told us a horrible, tragic backstory, and the murderous evil bears. You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me.

You've got to be kidding me. You got to be kidding me. Well, when you put it like that, I didn't think... Could they have pulled the... The soft ply over my eyes? Almost certainly that's the case, Dad. Come on!

You gotta be kidding me! Get your stuff! Get your stuff, please! Oh! Oh, God's, where is it? I need to go to my luxurious guest room. Is that an invitation? I mean, you can see... It's pretty nice! It's pretty nice! All right, I'll go with my dad. You guys, like, keep an eye off of these things, and hollering. if there's danger, alright?

But Booker. What? Remember David Spade? I do. Unfortunately, I do. Why? We have the best of David Spade DVD upstairs in the home entertainment system. Oh, here we go.

He was pretty good and just shoot me. Yeah, he was. I love David Spade. Grumley, did you know that down here the middle class didn't get wiped out? What? We have a home entertainment system. A whole wall dedicated to entertainment. With a stereo and everything.

Aerio and everything? Surround sound! Oh my God, it's good! Oh! Why do we allow ourselves with the... All right, here we go. With demons, they have David's fight here. I'll sling my giant repeating heavy crossbow over my shoulder and begin to like, go up the stairs

and follow my dad reluctantly. You walk up the stairs, and this is obviously a house made for bears. As it's much larger, you know, than for most... of most of you, but you already, and you've met at least one bear, Benji. I don't know if there was any other bears in the, I don't fucking know. Not in this campaign. Not in this campaign. And you know how big he was.

They seem bigger. And he's like, well, you know, when Charmin, the Privy Lord took me in. Yeah. And he introduced me to Duchess Charmaine's softballs. And of course, Charmin Baron Barnabas the Crimson streak. That's all, is that all free of him? That was all three.

of them working together? Yeah, they was, I don't know, they're united for something, I don't know, some prophecy. Yeah, the great prophecy. They're looking for the perfect wipe. Yeah, that's what I hear. Actually, that sounds right. I look at Booker's father with my red eyes,

my very human face. They have to be stopped. Listen, Dad, listen, we have to. We gotta have a serious conversation here, all right? This is gonna come to a point where you're with us or you're against us. I don't know, book. I mean, I know you're my son. I mean, every Friday night, we get to go down to the movie rental store.

It's been like a week, Dad. There's one Friday. We've gone it down to brick breakers. It's one Friday. And we rent a DVD. And we get a pizza. A pizza? Not even a micrater.

microwave one. Oh, see, well, that's gotta be pretty costly. I mean, that's quite a knife. Is that down here? It's actually not that bad. Oh. Wait. Do they let you get bunch of crunch out the brick breakers?

I get to pick out one treat of my choice. Oh, reasonable entertainment? Can we do this? I want to get some big chew. No, guys, guys, guys, one pizza? One pizza you're gonna sell all your loyalty to your own son? I mean, have you ever had a pizza? Yeah, I mean, it was one pizza.

It's not about the pizza book. Don't forget about your quest, Squamly. It's about the middle class. It's real down here. We should probably kill them all, given the whole, you know, quest and prophecy and all that. Yeah, but like, they seem kind of nice. Yeah, but you should probably light them on fire

after something you can still do. Maybe you could shoot him with your crossbow. I fully intend to. And I still got my mitts. She looks a little bit like the Acelot. Yeah, a little bit. She kind of creepy. Oh.

Oh. Oh. I don't know if you knew this about John Claude, but he's little god on his side. I say I'll do. Whoa. In fact, it is pretty cool. Well, you know down here that a majority of the people still adhere to literal god. Well, that's well, good.

Yeah, it's very interesting. It's great that I can talk to him. It's very interesting. And then he supports me and I'm as champion of sorts. Guys, guys, what has gotten into you? Think about this, this is my dad. When has he ever made a single decision that any of us have liked or agreed with ever? And now you're just going to listen to him?

We should be doing the exact opposite of whatever Beauregard says. He just looks so confident in that towel. I mean, Quack Donald still has supersized down here. I was just gonna ask if their ducky meals had, had toys in themselves. Real toys, not cardboard that you put together. Oh my God. Real plastic toys.

Can you ask for your very own Woody? Yes, and they'll give it to you. They'll give it to you good. Booker. What? He has the best of SNL 1994 to 1998 on DVD. Ooh. We gotta stay.

I mean, do we actually, how much do we know about this prophecy? Like, if they find the perfect wife, I mean, what happened? Oh my God, Friends is still on TV. I mean, friends! Do we know? Do we know what happens? I mean, if it's really not that bad, I love chums.

Let it slow this time, you know? I mean, what's this about a problem? What is this? Who told you this? What kind of cuckoo bananas person is telling you all this? You'd think it was me, but I forgot my notes. Well, it was bitch. and this really cool huntmaster

who blood swore us into his secret order to kill the Bears what loves shitting. And he does in fact work for a pestilence demon and before that it was kind of a vampire demon and for quite a while he didn't speak to us at all. And so we find

him the most trustworthy of all the characters we even kind of so far. So we of course aligned ourselves with him. As per the rules of how we accept quest. And from my perspective he's giant right over there behind your shoulder. on that monitor and it's very distracting.

You see you actually see Yigur's face for a moment and then you realize that as you hear the buzzing this swarm of flies as it's like

a cloud of flies disperses. God's what the hell what was that? Oh yeah, I mean, there's a lot of shit around, so there's got a lot of flies. Yeah, I don't know. Lately, it's been kind of tough the last week or two,

I don't know, can't remember. But- Well, who's to say that the DVDs and the middle class and any of that'll go away after we kill the bears? Well, it's just that I miss it so. And maybe, have you ever seen the film the Butterfly Effect starring Ashton Coochard? No.

I have, in fact. Well, this film is a masterpiece of philosophy that asked a question of you change one little thing. If a butterfly beats its wings, the ramifications of that echo through time and space and reality. Oh, come on, Drumley. Just butterflies?

Anything related to Ashton Cuchamp. All right, well, I can't believe I'm even going to say this. How about we go find that Silver Pine guy? And we ask him what happens if they complete their quest, and then we decide if we don't kill them, and we listen to my dad, of all people. No, we should kill him. We should murder them.

Kill the harmless old shartin stains? Yeah, we should, no, we have to. We swore a blood oath. They saved your old man's... live book. So what are you gonna do? Let's say we don't kill him. You're just going to live here with them for the rest of your life? Well

I mean hell of a lot nicer than Mugbed Creek. What? There ain't the mob down here. Or any places for him to gamble. That's exactly my point, Peggy. You're comfortable just spending the rest of your life down here without any strip clubs? Without any gambling

joints? Without any races? Oh my goodness, Booker. You know, now that I think about it, I'm a little worried you just triggered off his vases and he was comfortable and safe. I had lost, after being rescued and coming so close to death at the hands of the Oscelot,

learning that perhaps, if the creatures of hell were real, perhaps little God was too. Oh, he is. He is. Yeah. I had started to find perhaps literal God and get rid of my vices, and finally work on myself. Start working on those memoirs I've always, you know, thought about. He starts weeping.

Guys. I had forgotten about the gambling. About the booze. About the girls. At the Baga Bing. What was I thinking? Are you going to kill your dad or I didn't? I couldn't live without it.

Given the whole blood offing, I think this is okay because he's like technically a henchmen or a minion. so all I approve it is. Your trigger discipline's terrible. You're right. Just polishing this thing, I'm making sure it's, oh. There's no booze down here.

So what's I gotta be, Dad? They only drink prune juice. That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. If you aren't who I think you are, go make the right choice. Booker, I haven't had a drink. in three weeks.

What? I haven't thrown... I haven't rolled the bones in just as long, ever since the Oscelot thing. You're right. How could I have forgotten? Are you saying they only have prune juice down here? That's all they can't drink. There's no booze down here.

So that means that they don't have... I see, Ector cooler? No. Weird. This isn't a middle club. You're right. This isn't the middle class at all. It's a sham, a simulation. None of this is real.

Oh, that makes perfect sense. He's been, he's been glamored. He's been blinded. This is all just an illusion. But I was cunning, biz, what's shitting. He's probably not your dad. You should probably blow his head off and find out. No, no, I think he's my dad.

I was ready, I was ready to do it, but I think he's my dad. Oh, my literal gods. He didn't have a Peruvian chicken advantage, as he seems to have a realization. No twist. Don't eat it, baby. Oh, yeah, you're fine. Actually, a pursuit is only a plus two,

but I still got an 18. You're right, Grumley. Realized that they also don't have turtle pies filled with vanilla pudding powder. Power. Do they have Twinkies in the fruit? in the freezer? I haven't been there. What about dunkeroo's?

Well, how about Dunker U's? Well, you dip your own fingers in the chocolate. Oh. Well, would you do that when they're fantastic kangaroo crackers that you could dig in there. In the foxhole, he should get a Dunker U for pretty cheap. Okay, this is my dad. That's, okay, I'm going to set my cross foot, and I'm going to

walk over you, and I'm going to pat him on the back and say, it's all right, Dad, it's all right, we got you. We're here with you now. We're gonna get you out of this place, all right? You're gonna stay with us. But you gotta stay close because these bears are really dangerous. Have I been huffing the sweet ambrosia of the shartan stains? How much prune juice have you had? What if it's poisonous?

What have they been toxicated? I feel like an empty caprisone. They don't have empty caprisons down here. Do they have full ones? No. Oh. You've donned on the meals of the lotus. people.

Here, it's, it's been a while since you've, you've gambled. I'll give you my limit break. It uses a slot machine mechanic for some reason. It doesn't make any sense for my character here. And also dolphins would have. You would do that for me.

She's just so you get a little taste before we, then we get out of here. Strange, oddly hairless, Boing Chan. Uh-huh. He takes whatever you're offering him. A limit break. A limit break.

Yeah, instead of me glowing with a rainbow energy, you now do. It's a flashing bar. He's just holding. Yeah, it's a flashing bar. It's like one of those things where they interlace the image over. You look at your drop-down menu and the word attack has been replaced by a flashing limit word. Oh. I just want to go on record just saying my actual father in real life, after every single session, I call him the next day.

He says, you know, I tuned in last night for a little bit. Still don't understand anything you guys are saying. That's a perfect example. That exchange right there makes zero fucking sense to anybody. That one's for you, Dad. That one's for you, Dad. I don't really get it. A slot machine magically appears above his head.

Dolphins chitter as they jump overhead. His eyes go to 7-7-77. Oh, baby, that's sad. There you go. That's what I want. I think he's back. I think we got him. Statistically. Oh, just very unlawy. Something's changing.

I need everyone to make a wisdom saving throw at advantage. Uh-oh. I don't have dice. You don't have all dice in this campaign? I don't have any dice. I don't. Wisdom saving throw? Oh, boy, I'm not a good at that.

I'm not a Viking at that. Oh, here's a big. Oh! You're not a funny rangers. You're fucked. Because I'm a fucking ranger. I'm not a fucking bard. I was like, why don't have persuasion?

Yeah. the exact same. Oh my God. Why is my persuasion so low? Wisdom save. Wisdom save. So I actually should have let you roll on advantage.

Oh, everyone has a plus four on saves. Oh, shit. Given what I'm imbued with the power of literal God. I need to pull up my B&B on character sheet. Come on here it is. Here it is. Let's go. Natural fucking 20 for a 23. Ooh.

That includes his four? No. So 27. Are you both paladins or you a, he's an ill-rigger. I'm a, I will take your question. 27. I'm an ill-rigger?

What's an ill-rigger booker? I couldn't even begin to guess. Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. 27. 14. 23. Peggy. 18.

I got 20 something. The ringing and the jingling of the bells of the slot machine. almost as ear piercing as the stench hits your nostrils, as the cozy homie cabin that you've entered, this cottage, melts away. I knew it. As you hear the sound of flies.

You hear the, and the stench of filth and muck and everything. Probably the worst than you've ever smelled in your tire line. by a wide margin is, fills you with absolute disgust as you look around to a decrepit, filth-covered hovel. I immediately, I immediately cast, Pass Without Trace to try to conceal us. Okay. It'll last for an hour, concentration, one action,

and me on me and then a 30 foot radius around me, 30 foot emanation for the duration, while in the aura, we all get plus 10 bonus to dexterity stealth checks and leave no tracks. One of my spell slots is gone. I am used to say, shh, quiet. We have to go, we have to be quiet. It smells awful down here.

It smells like the sewers under Don Corneo's mansion. Can you imagine? That's what I'm gonna say, that's incredible. We have to get out of here. We gotta get out of you now. I was gonna say, Oh my God, oh my God, I've been here, I've been here for weeks. Dead, dead, dead, shut up.

Shut up, listen to me. Listen to me. You got to focus, dead, dead. I'm going to walk up to him and I'm going to slap him across the face. You shut up right now, you little bitch, and I'm going to cast command. Oh, oh, are you dice? Can someone see your dice with me? Oh, thank you.

I'm just gonna slap him really hard. He fails. Stop being a little chump. Thank you, Peggy. What are you, a little wuss? Do what I say. Right? You listen to me. Shut your mouth.

Yes, what I thought. All right, now he's fine. All right, we have to stay. You look like he's enjoying himself again. Stop having an erection, fuck. What are you doing? Oh, Jesus. He's just told him.

He's just told him. He's so accustomed to paying for that, you know? He's standing. Give him an out for free. We have to get out of here. We got to stay low. We got to move quick. We got to fight the silver pine guy.

We have to kill the bears. Are he coming? We need his expertise on our side. We need his help. We got outnumber him. And now we got to worry about my dad. Oh, right? Didn't he go somewhere else?

Oh, no. We split up. I think he was working on a perimeter. We got to get back outside. As the flies start to swarm together. And you see kind of, kind of them form this tubular,

crooked shape as large eyes, one vacant, a notched rat-like ear as crooked teeth emerges and it says, creatures of filth join the playing for our servants of the rider they

they answer the call of the horn as the cloud of flies disperse as the voice of Yigur bursts and echoes from the, from this, this hovel. That guy sounded so familiar. Booker.

Yeah. Did he say the horn of the call of the end? I, I think that's what I heard, yeah? Because I have a phobia that. Oh, geez. Come on, buddy, get it together. Oh, is this ten times? It's going to be all right.

At the end of all things. We're going to be okay. Remember, you're a literal hecknight. You can do this. Oh, you're right on my heck night. I can do this. That's it. That's silver pine. As you hear a howl, distant, far off in the cavern.

Oh, what was that? Oh, I mean, yes, ma'am. Yeah, that's what I thought. I would, like, lay low and motion to my companions to finally, like, try to get back to the first floor. We were kind of our way going upstairs. Let's get back to the first floor and see if we can, like, get out of here before we're,

We're ambushed. Okay. Need the way, Booker? I do. I have my crossbow the ready as I lead the way, and I'm gently caressing the trigger as I, as I hit.

You. If we need to roll stealth, we all have plus 10. Oh, yeah, the rule stealth for me, please. We're not advantaged. It's plus 10, correct? No, it's plus 10. Okay, I have heavy armor, so it's a disadvantage. I got a 28.

28? 28, okay. Because I have plus 11, plus 10. Plus 10 plus 7. Plus 10 to your stealth checks. 17. But not plus 4 because of Paladin town. No, that's...

No, that's saving throws. That's saving throws. Well, I only get a dirty 30. Chase. 29. 16. 16? 16?

Okay. Uh-oh. Oh, no. It's your pallet and heavy armor. Oh, I need to roll from Bevardgaard. 17 was 4, but 16. Damn, right out. 16.

Oh, my sight. Borgard's got a fucking... 28. He's not wearing any clothes. He's silent. You are able... You realize that there are horrid creatures insectoid-like beings

skittering, watching this place. But with Booker's strange magic of Van Helsing, starring Hugh Jackman. That's right. That's right. You... walk silently, almost slipping into the shadows. And if it wasn't for Peggy's commanding Oro, Beauregard perhaps would have been distracted by his fear,

but he's too distracted by another emotion, and other things, that he follows all of your motion. This is the most controlled you've ever seen him. As you see the ruined, putrid, filth-covered wood, rotting. You see the rotting tree. The trees that had only been barren when you first entered now are putrified, rotting as strange pulsing light green and yellowed and pallid flesh starts to slither across. It's almost like that hive material from what you had seen across a Morlock's castle. And you see off in the distance as see that some of the trees shaking

and snapping as you hear another, as far off in the distance, hundreds of feet away, you see through the jagged, rough, rotting trees, a silhouette of a wolf limping. An axe, an axe dragging on the ground, as you then see these trees shake, and you feel the chamber,

this chamber shake as you see as the tree snap and you don't see three shart and stained bears you see one creature as if made of three bears

and the flesh of of a billion flies and the souls of hell itself fuse into horrific rotting plagued abominious

as you realize that the middle class does not exist here. The middle class does not rain here, but plague certainly does. And, Flashcraft. You see Godfrey Silver Pine attempting to flee, seemingly unprepared, but you see that neither of them recognize you, having successfully snuck away.

You have the opportunity to attempt to escape. You look back and you see the coach far off on the other side of this clearing. The wolf spiders at the ready. And you see this horrific shirt and stain abomination. Do we feel that the opportunity we're given to escape would mean the end of our canine companion? You would get the sense that you would need his death in order to distract this abomination that has not spotted you yet. I would be at the ready kneeling, and I would just look to grumbly, expectantly.

Are we doing this right here now? We didn't train for nothing, and we're number one. You're right. I look at my bright red plate armor, but over it, I have a leather jacket that says lone wolf on them. back. Oh,

Vernon Shirley has been one by Lenny. Um, Iraq Booker. I'm not unknown. I take the jacket on. We're all one pack. That's right. We're going to save you, Mr. Silver Pine,

for I am D'akulia! And the wheels will sprout from my back as I gained temporary flight for 10 minutes. Oh! Or until I have the infested condition, and I have a flies-be-the-eagle to my speed, and I'm going to book it and fly to try to grab Mr. Silver Pine and carry him away from the horrible abomination.

I need you to make an athletics contest against this beast of filth. Oh God, please. I should twist it. Who? You can still twist. I'm gonna twist. I'm gonna add five.

I'm gonna add five twists. And it's skilled, right? Nine. 22. 22? I got a 21. Oh! Oh my God.

Stench of this of this amalgam, this three-headed, a bear creature buzzing as flies fill the air and strife. and strange creatures of the night that look equally part, a woodland critter, and fly and demon, as the chamber fills with this buzzing

as you rocket towards Godfrey Silver Pine on your bat-like wings, as you are able to swoop down and pick up the gravely wounded Godfrey Silver Pine and get out of range as, massive paws, the fur is already sloughing off and green and brown in pestilence. It slams down as you are able to fly back.

What are the rest of you doing? I look down at my absurdly stacked Tifa Lockhart body and I see this display. And I go, we are a pack and I know how to pack a punch. Sweet Jesus. I quickly turn to Booker's dad. Give me my limba break back. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, alright! And I immediately start flashing with blinding colors as I race forward. I'm going to attempt to pummel this thing until it is dead. I'm going to race forward in that way. What else are you doing? If I have time, like outside of combat, I would immediately, as a bonus action, cast Hunter's Mark

to size this thing up. And because it is my favorite enemy, which is the, the bears themselves, if you'll allow it. It lets me know if, hold on, sorry, sorry, I just went off the page. It lets me know whether it has any immunities, resistance, vulnerabilities, and if this creature has any, I know what they are.

Ooh. It is immune to necrotic damage, poison damage, and the charmed, exhausted, frightened, paralyzed, and poison conditions. Okay. What else? Resistance and vulnerabilities. Basically just anything that is.

No resistances and no vulnerability. Just those immunities. So, since you've allowed me as a bonus action to do this outside of combat, I would spend the rest of my turn like educating my team on the vulnerable, like sharing that knowledge with them so they know how to attack it and how not to attack it. And basically doing my like monster hunter thing and I let everybody know I share that knowledge with the team.

I basically cast Libra. Oh, nice. Very cool. Very cool. Very cool. Peggy, what are you doing? I'm gonna take up my rod into my hands. It, yeah.

Yeah, it looks- Wow, we! Yeah. Wow, it looks more like a cat of nine tails. Oh, whoa! Oh, whoa! I'm gonna smack it and regain a spell slot. Whoa!

I think he's awakened something in me! What did I say about shutting the fuck up? Yes, ma'am! Good boy. All right, let's do this! Oh! Poor Becky, what have I done to you? There's a little voice in the back of your head that says, Hey, Real Booker, this is, maybe you should find a therapist next time you're in New Felicia.

As all rush towards this creature, as grumly, you were able to play Scott through Silver Pine away. As this massive creature, unfortunately, lumbers forward and strange orifice start to surge out. I need everyone to rule for initiative. Let's go. And I even that cleared. Oh, bro. Oh, natural 20. Nice.

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The Crooked Moon, a folk horror toome for Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition. And don't forget to snack all them extra goodies like dice and miniatures and plushes and a tarot deck and more. Thank you from Legends of Evantris. Bitsy, you run forward as this grotesque, filthy, abominable creature is ready to do something absolutely vile as the stench is overwhelming this mutated demonic fiend beast is is lunging forward what do you do I race forward in spite of the stench and I prepare my limit break I start with of course the classic limit break beat rush and I give a bunch

of random ass punches for no reason and I attack I will make an attack does a a 19 hit. It does. Okay, I'm going to do 11 points of damage, and I'm going to turn that into a stunning strike with one of my focus points. It needs to make a DC-14 Constitution saving throw. Con?

Yes. 15. It succeeds. It is not stunned, but its speed is halved until the start of my next turn, and the next attack roll made against it as advantage, which I will enjoy now because I'm using my bonus action to make a flurry of blows.

Nice. With the first one, this is me jumping into my somersault portion of the limit break. I leap off of its massive belly and do a backflip. I then attack again. That's going to be even higher, so that does an additional 12 points of bludgeoning damage. And with my third, I'm going to get a 19 again, so that's going to be an additional nine points of bludgeoning damage. I believe that I can make it to try to succeed a DC-14 dexterity saving throw with another focus

kick, focus point. I do water kick and it succeeds again, unfortunately. I use all of my attacks. I'm just laying into the belly of this beast. And a bear's maul, one of the heads in its stomach, opens up and lunges forward and attempts to wrap its filthy putre jaws around you. I need to make a strength saving. Strength saving through DC 19.

You'll never get me, you, oh, it got me. You are grappled in its jaws. You're going to take three plus 11. No, it wouldn't have mattered. I would have gotten a 15. Eight points of piercing damage. Yes. Not bad.

You are just grappled and restrained. Eight. Yep. Thank you. Okay, that's the legendary reaction. Peggy, you're up. I'm going to lash out with my whip and cast hex on it. Oh.

And then I am going to flavor my Eldridge Blast that I'm just whipping it, and I'm gonna whip it good two times. Okay. 14 plus eight, so 22 to hit. AC's 15. Okay, both hit. Get more dice. 30 points of damage.

30 points. A force damage. Your dark vampiric blasts shoot out from your sword as it crashes into this thing, as it is going to use its stench, the whiff of this thing is going to, who's after it? Me, I'm after the layer. You know what? It looks at grumbling.

As the stench, the hallucinating stench hits you. As the middle, the reality of the middle class returning, threatens you. You need to make a Constitution saving throne. DC 17. Oh, God. I'll get you to safety, Mr. Silver Pine. You're gonna be okay.

DC what? What I say, 17? I'm not close enough to Johnny Claw, I don't know. I would imagine you're out of. I think it's only 15 feet just out. At level six. So they changed it? It's still 17.

17, that passes. Nice. You are not affected by the confirmed. fusion spell until the end of its next turn. Oh, Poltker, you're up. I'm probably going to be off camera here because I'm fucking, I'm running away from this thing because I have like a bazillion fucking range. So I'm going to move,

I'm going to try to not stand in any kind of weird line. I'm thinking very tactically as this Van Helsing Beast Hunter, basically. And I'm going to move 15, 30, 40, and I will fire off two shots from my repeating crossbow at this thing. Both are plus 10 to hit.

23 and 28. 28, that hits. Ooh, the 23 is not good enough? Oh, my God. No, it is 15 that they see. Oh, God, I was gonna say, Jesus, Louise. That's gonna be 9, 10, 15 plus 7 is 22 points of damage over two attacks.

22, okay, yeah, you are able to you're able to fire it and pepper it with bolts. As you hear the voices of these gutter, roaring voices, who just love shitting? Oh, God! And I'm trying to, like, flank this thing as I'm just, like, trying to throw the bolts. As sludge erupts out of this thing.

As you see it... I didn't know we'd play Warhammer, man. You see it start to take form. as you see little fly-like eyeballs emerging as these swarms of horrific, shittering, demonic shit creatures emerge. I wish I'd go after this. Can you place these?

Wow. My nergling! Where would you like me to find? We're getting so much mileage from all these models. On the Luffy Toa and Rodeck. I had so much fun putting together those nerdlings. They can fly? Where'd you find them?

Oh, you're flying. I guess, and then one on Peggy. Yeah. The good news is I've got words. So I can attack like three different individual units and just trying to like hard breaker. Yeah. Um, they're each-

That's fucking cool. They're each going to unleash this vile stench as they explode out. Each of you need to make a Constitution saving throw DC 13. 16. Probably you're only plus four. 16 points of necrotic damage. If you fail, half of you succeed. What was it?

DC is 13. Con saving throw. One save? Yep. Okay, I'm good. So you will each take half, the eight points of necrotic damage if you fail or if you succeeded. Half of eight or eight is half? Eight is half.

It's 16 or eight. Yeah, done. As they do that as this putrid stench pours out around them. And now it is this horrific creature of Rott's turn as it is going to, let's see if it's gonna use this bonus action. you see as this thing explodes and crashes forward in a tidal wave of filth that spills over you

and seemingly teleports directly in front of Grumley. As he's lying away. Attempting you. Like in front of this one? You see that at least one of the heads says, As it's attempting to destroy, as it's attempting to destroy, its nemesis, knowing that you are the one that is so tempting to save this blood,

this being that has a blood feud with. I'm still grappled in its stomach. Do I go with it? Yes, you are, you go with it. Oh. You were in one of his draws. That was a bonus action. Oh, oh no.

And it is going to lunge for with two mutated demonic claws on you, Grumley. He's going to be howling balls fight. Float out of the way with a big flap. No way. 14 misses? No. I have played armor, so yes, it does miss.

Natural 20, folks. Oh, jeez. Awkward, got to give it up. Awkward, got to give it up. Oh, boy. We're in trouble, fuck. Our tank is in trouble already. So hold on.

You should have a good about health. Six. Whoa, what the hell? Why is your health so low? It's yours. 264. Oh, I'm 58. I'm 60.

I'm 63. You got probably have more common than I do. Yeah. I mean, I, I, I, Yeah, okay. Damn. So 26 plus 7 is 33 points of slashing damage. Jeez. And then you're going to take poison damage as well. You might rock.

Oh no. Did you take less slashing damage? 14 poison damage. 14 poison damage. As both of these putrid, filthy claws ran into you, are you to make a strength. strength saving throw to see if you are able to stay in the air with your wings. Uh-oh.

Saving throat, you say? Yep. Hold on. So I have... I'm playing a very complicated class here. Hold on. Every creature and something, there's something or something or something. With them in range, again.

So again, plus one to my saving throws for every creature that I'm next to. So he counts, presumably. every enemy or every host-out? That's fine. And then my saves are... 11. 11. You fail as you are smacked down to the earth.

You're gonna take an additional 10 points of bludgeoning damage. As you fall on Silver Pine. You feel your heavy bloody armor I can't you get to you. Crack the bones of Silver Pine. As he looks battered and broken, the shocking visage that compared to what you, when you had first encountered him,

when he was the alpha of this pack, that is its turn. The Shartinstein Abomination has concluded its turn, Jean-Claude. You are up. I'll say, I'll say, you're one impressive monster, but too bad for you, we're all dressed like a bunch of monster hunters.

Now, now I'm just, experiencing the power of literal God. And as I'm talking, I'll strut forward slowly. And I'll walk away from that guy. If he attacks me, we can get that second. You want to walk towards the beast? I'm going towards the beast. I'm going to stop here.

All right. Oh, yeah, because you have range. And I'm going to, I'm going to say, uh, feel the power of literal God. So you do get an attack of opportunity for the minion if that's a thing that can happen. Oh, yeah. And he walks out of the range of the minion. Yeah.

And it's horribly. Nice. I'm using deer and shitty die. I am going to, as I'm stepping forward, I'm going to slam my, I'm going to twirl my whip about me and even do like an in-air cartwheel as the whip turns around me in the, and it almost at the end has kind of like a morning start on it as it begins to glow and inflame and it'll slam into the ground. As I activate peerless athlete. Nice. Hell yeah.

Nice. Movements to augment my athleticism for an hour, so I have advantage on. strength checks and decks checks and the distance of jumps is better and I will attack two times with vampire killer oh 15 hits oh just barely oh oh and that'll hit too I mean, that's 27. So... Those, I've been on combat in like a year. So the whip will twirl about me as I

as I send it down and arcs through and he'll take 22. Nice. Of literal God damage. As the vampire killer. Well, it's... It's probably some of it's probably radiant, but... This is whip damage. Oh. I think it's just my normal. It's magical slashing. That's fine. That's all you need. As it lets out of...

And you hear the voice, yes, my son. Whip, wipe the stench away with your whip. I say, I say, I mean it's me, literal God. I say, I know literal God. I'll do this for you. I do this in your name. I will whip this horse queen. That's right.

Do it in my name. I do it in your name. You probably should have treated your brother better. What are you looking? I mean, he's a piece of shit. Gromily, you're up. Oh, great that guy. I'm the throat on the ground.

Is your silver pot? Are you okay? I love this. Oh, no. He's covered in filth, more so than Beauregard was. He's ripped up. His throat, you actually see, he's taking a terrible throat wound, and he's spitting up blood.

His larynx may have been completely shredded, as he's barely hanging on here. Okay, hold on. I have some things I can do, but I can't tell you just how much text is on my screen right now I'm trying to figure out. Um, hold on, I can, I can interdict. I have an interdict boom. You can, what? I'm, I'm inexorable. Can't do that on stream. What? I don't know what. I have an interdict save. I have burning seals. Uh, that's not what I want to do. Hold on, hold on. They're passive, there's bedeviled, oh god, diabolical contract, punishment.

That's not what I wanted to do. You take 30 points of damage, you lose your turn. Oh, here we go, here we go. Infernal conduit. Okay, I have a pool of detain. Why do I have so many mechanics? So we have a detail, I never might have one here. Mr. Silverbott, I would be nothing without you, and you're a leader. You have to go on. So please, Satan, Lucifer, the light bringer, Lord of Heck.

Please, I thank you. Save this poor man's life. and I renounce literal God. I renounce him. Don't listen to this. Can you believe that? What the fuck did he just say? No, I don't know. I shall rise

from my own death to avenge his with all the power of darkness. And I'll put my hand on him and I will use infernal conduit with the invigorate action. And if he willingly fails his

save, then he regains HP equal to the total that I rolled, he will fail. He will take three healing. Oh, wow. That's it. After all that. And then, that's it?

Little God, you got nothing to worry about it. Can you believe this chump? Lucifer's kind of a bitch. What do you think? I take necrotic damage equal to that total. Oh, you test. Now he's test. If this damage reduces you to zero HP,

You fall unconscious and are stabilized. Oh. Oh. I have one eight feet. Oh. So I literally put my hand on his back and my hand will ignite in the fires of literal heck as I curse God and I breathe my last breath hoping to be resurrected by Satan. I don't know. I just cursed God for him.

So. Look, I, I've made it in no mistake. I'm like really far away and I'm like what? I can't hear you. All the screaming and I die in terror. And regret. You're unconscious. Are you dead? No, he's stable.

I'm stable. But he's just a zero at each base. So he has no one or you're zero? I was at one and I took three damage. Minus three. But he isn't stabilized. He's not a total death saving threat. That's right.

And you resurrect this? Well, no, he just healed him for three points. I held him for three points. But I'm just hoping that because I get him and go, You're trying to get him out of there. Yeah. Basically, I'm trying to get him to run, but I'm hoping that because I denounced literal God and I praise Fielty to Lucifer, Lord of Light.

Roll a D-100, Gronway. As Bitsy, it's your turn. As you see that although it was a little bit of healing, you hear the sound, you hear the sound of a voice in your head, Grumley, as you fall unconscious, it's me, literally the devil. Hey, it's me, the devil. Oh, you're really the devil.

Good job. Fuck that guy. Yeah, I've renounced him for you, so, you know, if you wanted to, like, raise me as a, you know, blood-sucking vampire with eternal life. I wouldn't mind if I have to, like, sleep in a grave of the grave dirt where I was, what, buried. It's me, the literal devil. Oh. Well, I wrote a 76. That matters.

Oh, okay. Back zero. The stench is overwhelming, as horrible monstrosity. That's classic double. That's classic double stuff. No, great! And I attempt to, I'm, my lower half is in this weird gut opening that he has, and I'm still grappled.

Can I attack when I'm restrained? You're just, just disadvantaged. But it's AC's only 15, on account of being so fucking huge. Is AC's only 15? That he's slow. Okay, I will make my first attack. I will get 17. I will make my second attack.

Let's just do them all together. I will also hit on that one. I will use my bonus action in a moment, but I'm going to put another focus point into... Stunning strike. DC-14 Constitution Saving throw. Are you kidding me? Man, I'm really well against you.

I get like 22. That's absurd. All right. Your speed is halved until your next turn. How much damage? Oh, 15 points of force damage because of my class. I was fucking that up earlier, not bludgeoning, but force. So all of the orange,

pixelated PlayStation 1 graphical art that's coming out of me right now is empowering my strikes. We love shitting. You're a good to shit. It's great to shit. Flurry blows, that's going to be a miss. That's going to be a miss. A hit, that's going to be a natural one, so I'm going to do one more.

Uh, uh, 12 points of, uh, force damage. You seem this fiendish flesh is sloughing off. It is starting to lose its form. And a DC 14 strength saving throw for me as I use push. Nice. Oh, a DC. Oh, fuck. DC 14 string saving throw.

I'm gonna attempt to, um, force him away. I'm hoping that I'll, I'll flup out of him. But even if I don't, I'm gonna knock him so hard that he goes 15 feet the opposite direction. Oh, 15 feet. Man, I have plus seven a strength saving threat. I don't know if it is about me. I didn't know that about you.

I got 17. Damn. You being beast, you're being shit and what shit? Fuck you, fuck you. We're 70% ass. You're 100% ass, you fuck. Sorry, mommy. Peggy, you're up.

I'm gonna use my bonus action frog hop and I'm gonna leap 15 feet away to safety without taking an opportunity attack. I got here, is this reasonable? That's good. They're saying that. What the fuck? They're shit demons.

Literally, what the fuck is this? Grumley's dead, Bitsy's in it, Booker. Where's your dad? Oh my God, and I'm just gonna fire Eldridge Blast. Okay. Oh, where is? I don't know. He ran, sorry, you told him to shut up

and get him out here. Yeah, he was stunned and ran. So I think you said it was 15, right? Yeah. So, yeah, 16, wow, got lucky. 16. 16. Hmm.

10. 25 points of force damage. I mean, it's me. I mean, it's me. It blasts in. as these bears are all roaring. And with that, the other creatures are going to attack just whatever they're closest to.

They're going to fan out and try to- Teave a Lockhart. They're going to try to chase. They're going to try to chase. Wait, what? And they're each going to just basically do an attempt. I'm going to see if they regain their shit spew. They, oh, they do. One does.

The other one does them. They all way shit together. The one on Bitsy is going to do. the shitsbue. You need to do, make a constantly saving throw, Betsy. And it just, this stench. 18, succeeds. No, 22. Oh, 22, you're going to take half of this. Half of 10. So you take five. And then other, one is going to attack Peggy, natural one, wow. Other is going to attack. Who else?

Make sure you don't have evasion. I'm John Klein. I think it's a little higher up. I'm a monk. Yeah, but they get it, they get it. I think they get it higher up. 15. 15 for what? 10. 18 18 18. Okay. They all mess. Maybe 13. I just think enough. Double check. I think you're right.

And with that, you feel your consciousness returning. As you hear the voice as you, hey, you know, I'm actually a tragic, misunderstood, Promethean type thing. Wait, no, come back to hell. No, no, wait, what are you doing? What are you doing? It's me, the literal devil. As your eyes awaken, as you see a silver pine over your, silver pine over you with strange herbs and ointments and tinctures going into your wounds

as he uses strange monster hunting tinctures in order to close your wounds as you heal. Thanks to literal devil. I can count on you. 14 points of healing. Nice. Huge. Boaker, you are up. you are up.

I'm going to start by making two attacks against the boss, and then once per turn when I make an attack with a weapon, I can make another attack with the same weapon against a different creature within five feet, so I'm going to attack the rat swarm for my third attack. Hell yeah. Is that a word breaker? Yeah. Oh, cool.

Oh, wow. The first one is going to miss, but the second attack will hit the big one. Okay. So the big guy's only going to take eight plus five, plus five, is 18 points of damage for one attack. and the Redsorbed very high. 18, wow, okay. And then against the rat swarm.

17 to hit the rat swarm. Oh, that hits. 11 points of damage to the minion. Okay, okay. You fire in this amalgam of filth and fly and demon explodes and sizzles back to the abyss. And I'm gonna move 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40.

30, 35, 40. Holy shit. 10 extra feet of moving. Yeah, that'll do the word. Rangers, folks. This creature uses its last legendary action in order to lumber forward and and it bends over.

And you hear a bird and... Classic flesh of abomination. In a horrific spew. Booker, I'm alive, I'm so glad that I'm in all my coach. I wish I was in hell! Ah! You wish you were dead as everyone, including 60 feet. Are you 60 feet away?

I don't think so. It's gonna be close. Five, six, seven, eight, nine. Yeah, 60 feet's here. I don't think Booker's within 60. Okay, everyone but Booker needs to make a a constitution saving throw. The power of my heavy cross.

Can I twist this? My heavy cross. Yeah, twist it. How many do we have? Well, I already use five. We have 24. You have 23. Oh, you've already used five. And I've used five.

I'm not using any. I should. We got a 20th. You're level 24. Yeah. Wait. And I'm near you. Yeah, yeah, you are near.

Okay. So you got close four. I'm not gonna use it. I'm not gonna use any. Okay, so we're still at a total of 19 at least. I crushed it. If nobody else used any, we're on 19. What's the DC?

17. I fail. You take 19 points of no product damage if you fail. Jesus. Half if you succeed. Wait, 19. Yes. You're good.

You're good. You're right. It uses spew filth. I get absolutely plastered. What? Oh, but you are actually spewed out of its guts. And part of this, 15 feet away,

and you're prone. And you also have the poison condition if you fail. Oh, jeez. For one minute. For one minute. Oh. Yes.

Listen, you ever played Conquers Bad Fur today. Yeah, it should have been the one time I did like a power gamer thing and been like an echo night and like trying to go absolutely That is its turn as it regains legendary actions though Jean-Claude you're up Oh, okay This rider seeks to bring the end times Oh shit No not the beast it's master

She's you're terrible at reading between the lines John Claude I'm just a simple lawyer. That hurt me. That hurt me, sir. I say we won't let this rider come to power. We'll strike him down too. But I'm disappointed.

That's not the best. Could have been worth. 15. 15 to hit. 15 hits. Chalry. Okay. All right. So for my first attack.

Oh. I'll say, Rumley, looking for you. Literal God believes in two things above all else. Forgiveness and slaying monsters. And as I... Oh, that was pretty fucking cool. And the first attack will go in and it'll do 14 damage. But as it's flying through the air,

the morning start at the end is gonna ignite in this brilliant, brilliant, radiant light as it collides and it'll explode in a smite, but a bell-knit. Oh, the chain whip rips forward. And that is two. So it's 14 damage just for the whip and then an additional nine damage for the smite just on the first attack. And because literal God also believes in forgiveness, I am going to activate my next charge of channel divinity. and I am going to

let's hear somewhere I'm going to turn it into an inspiring smite which is going to allow me to heal grumly for 15 points of healing oh shit because I've smited so this radiant holy flame will crash in

explode and then brilliant literal godlight will strike grumly I hope this doesn't have the adverse effect an accidentally kills. I know. I know that you've been on bad terms. Things down.

I know things have been weird between us lately. But I miss you, man. I miss you. I do believe in forgiveness. John Clown is right about that. Little God, is that you? Yes, it's me, grumly, my child. If I repent now, do I avoid

an eternity of damnation? Yes. The depths of heck. Look at about what the depths of heck. You're fighting it. That's like literal shit demons. What the fuck are you doing? If you repent, you will be a good boy. A good boy, grumly. A good boy. Repent. A good boy. Yes, a good boy. It's your turn. Oh. If you missed it. If you missed it, you get, I missed. How much is you healing? 14? 15. 15.

15. Okay. 15 points of healing. Yeah, little gave us no power here in the hallowed, unhallowed hell is and feels Rui. As he's legendary. Ah! Yeah, it's three voices in one.

Jesus. We land seven. As it is attempting to impale you with this mall, as it is attempting to impale you with this mall, as it's, you need to make a strength saving throw, John Clark. Oh. Wait. So, question about peerless athlete. You would know.

Yeah. Does that, says it offers me advantage on strength checks? Not a safety. Not a safety. So like athletics or. I mean, I guess it's cool. Oh, is it. Wait, is it?

I might have disadvantage. You still get your pulse for strength? Because I'm poisoned. Oh. I was just checking, but I don't think that applies to save. Yeah, I think you're okay. Just attack rolls and ability checks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. And it's a what save? Sorry, I'm sorry. The DC is 19. Strength, I think. It's strength 19. Okay, not close, bro. Okay, 97. Nice.

Oh, yeah. You grab the teeth of the bear mole, the looking at its gut as you hold it, as it is actually looking weak, the damage that you've done, especially blessed by the vampire killer and the strange forces against this horrid abomination of plague. It's looking relatively weak. It's not holding on.

Grumley, your turn. Um, you look up. What have I done? You've really fucked up this time, Grumley. I know. Why would you say, heck, that's messed up, man? That's not very nice to do.

It's not nice at all. It's not very friendly, are you, Grumley? I look around and I see that my helmet is like strewn off. And the head of the mole that had been pussed on the end has like fallen off next to him. No, no, I'm so sorry. I've let everyone down.

I've let you down literal God, I've let you down literal Satan. I've let you down Mr. Silverpaw. And then I've let you down Anderson Cooper, but not CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. This was when he was the host of the reality television show from 2000. in the mall.

I took the mall. I put it back on my... Was he really the house of the mall? I love that show. That show was so good, actually. The first season was insanely good. I missed that. Remember Corbyn Burson?

Oh, and Dennis Rodman. Oh, that was a great show, Grumley. Good boy. I like that a lot. Good boy. I could be a good boy. But.

is to think, and when you praise heck, you get to do cool shit long this. And I point my halberd and the eyes and the rotting mouth of Anderson Cooper's mole head will glow red and sort of crackle with evil hellish lightning as I cast wish bolt from my halberd. Oh, fucking witchmold. I do you stand up.

Which bolt, everybody. And I'll move back. The only time it's ever been used in any campaign ever. Well, we're new version fucking Ozzy. Oh, good. Yeah. 2025 a fucking slaps now. Finally.

What's the different? That's the difference. It's just a good spell. It has the same name, but like it's genuinely excellent. Yeah, a different spell. Oh, I make a rain spell attack. Oh. Oh.

You can twist it. Oh. I hit, probably. Yes, I hit. 15? It's 20 something. Okay. He takes 2D12 lightning games.

Wow. Six. Surprise is not witch damage. 15 total. How do you want to do this? Oh, there it is. I mean, you were cool. You literally 14 hit points.

Celebrity mole was better. And I just thought the lightning overpowers him as it courses through him and in a great display of the power of literal. Satan. He explodes into shit. You hear three voices as this horrible mutated, demonic fly-like fiendish bear amalgam loses form and in three roaring voices, it yells out,

oh, dingo berries. It's a nightmare. As filth spews everywhere, coating the cavern and collapsing into a pot. as you see a large cloud of millions of flies erupt from this thing's corpse and buzz off in all directions in the underground as quiet suddenly returns to beneath the dim wood. Holy hell. I'll stand up. Guys, you're gonna' What the heck was that?

What the heck was that? There was supposed to be three of them and it was just some horrible flesh amalgamation. I'll say I don't think it's over yet. What, it's not over? What could be so powerful as to make a creature like that from those horrible bears? I grasp my holy symbol, the crest of the Belmont family,

and I just quickly cast a lay on hands, for five HP and cleanse my closet. Nice. I see that. I say literal God spoke to me while we were battling that thing and said that it was simply a thrall of the rider of the apocalypse. What? A rider of pestilence.

I think back from whence we've came, Something has come to power. Something much worse than here. No. Worse than that? I think so. Maybe not quite as foul smelling, but he's got a little corn right here, too.

I'm so sorry. You got any more that lay on hands? I'm poison too, but all I can do is cast wholeness of body to heal for 1D8 plus three hit points. And I do. I heal 11 hit points. Well, fine. That's pretty good.

suppose I can spoil you a couple more. Here you are. Thank you. If anyone's looking particularly bad, I have extra healing. I'm just cleansing the poison. Was anybody else poisoned? No. No. I heard his voice, too.

You heard literal God's voice? He spoke to you. Literal God spoke to me. He said I could be a good boy. And was it his power that granted? you that ability to fire that lightning bolt from your snap out of the mole's mouth. Literal God had smiled down upon you,

and of course he said, yes, literal God, I turn to your radiant light. Please, but betwixt upon me the power to fire lightning, and he so did in his glory. No. No? I renounced his will all to make a demul reference. You look and let you stare,

literal God right in the face as he was bestowing, Holy mind upon you! And you, and you, oh, you turned away from him once again. I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, you looked him right in his face and you said it, you said, I'm a bad dog, Mrs. George, Claire. My tail was like way down. He's my legs.

And I'm like, oh, ah. You're really surprised? I mean, did you see that Nightmare's Hell lightning? You thought that might be from literal God? I mean, it was just so cool, I thought of course. This is from literal God. You were a pretty smart guy, Jean-Claude. I think you would have picked up on that one pretty instantly.

Well, there's a lot going on, Booker, you understand? There's a lot going on. There's a three-headed bear with love shitting in the wood prize. Except it was all at once at the same time. Goodness gracious. The President was covered in shitting corn. There was just a lot of happening, okay? It was very hard to understand.

stand of the makins and the, one of these things are coming from. Oh, I'm getting flustered. What are we supposed to do now? Is Silver Pine alive? Is he all right? Yeah, where is he? Is he all right? I healed him with the power of heck. I was hoping literal Satan would like ascend me

as some kind of like vampire lord or something. I don't know. The castle, but he didn't. He didn't. It was just Mr. Silver Pine that saved me. I mean, what did it say to you? Did he offer you any kind of words of wisdom or encouragement? Oh, literal Satan?

Yeah, I mean, it'd say anything. Oh, he just kind of sounded like Booker's dad, what, really? Yeah, he just talked about. Literal Satan sounded like my dad. Like shooting craps or something? Maybe that was... Oh, if I had known about that,

maybe I would have listened to my dad growing up a little bit more. Goodness, gracious. Can you imagine? It was very uncramp. Exactly. It's the prophecy over? You see there is a pile of flesh where you don't see God-free Silver Pine.

Oh shit, we don't. In your immediate vicinity. But you see there there's various piles of flesh and bone, gore, and filth. I would try to find him and see if I can help heal him if he needs medical assistance. Mr. Silver-Pine! And I'll like, leaning down. I want to get you know so close to it. Come on, Brunley.

I'm like, fast. Work harder. Work harder. Come on. Try on. Maybe you can just do that handsome how you do it. We don't have all day. Come on, Grumley.

Either one of you two make an investigation check at advantage. I'll assist. I think your investigation might be better than mine. We'll see. Let me see. Oh, my plus four. One might not be. Yeah, I'll help you.

I'll help you. That advantage. Yeah, mine's supposed to. 16. It's not bad. You finally are fined and pull aside as more flies buzz out as the very broken form of Godfrey Silver Pine is laying their limp.

You see that his leg is twisted behind him. And there's a lot of blood mixed in with all of the gore and the filth. Is he breathing? Pouring from his, make a medicine check. Oh boy. 17. 17. You realize that he is on death door.

I will cast cure wounds at a second level. You do that. An attempt to at least just try to get him like at a place where he's, I'm keeping that. This is okay. Seven and five is 12, plus two is 14, plus five is 19, plus three is 20. Two points of healing.

He spits up, he sees that. The gash on his throat closes up as he, uh, I look around, as I'm like trying to heal him, I look around and I'm like, Ah, Grumley's got little Satan and John Claude, his little guy, by the power of, I don't know, Hugh Jackman. Oh, the Hugh Jackman. Oh. Hey, you're all right.

I was worried we lost you there for a minute. Grumley's going to be all right. He's going to be okay. Oh, I'm so glad. We did it. How'd you get the power of Hugh Jackman? I don't know. It just felt like it was right thing to say in the moment. Are you guys saying Hugh Jackman or Huge Yakman?

Yes. The three lineatures are the bears, all slain in one fell swoop. Sufficient. He finally got the perfect wipe because we wiped the floor with him. The prophecy came true after all. He sets up. Officer will bite your prick off every time. What?

What? What? What the hell? What's wrong? Prophecies are pervert. Watch your mouth. Prophecies are sick fuck. They got what they asked for.

This was a lot harder than I was expecting. Well, you didn't die. And thanks to all of that training that you sent us on, with those 10 eye-corsacks, we were powerful enough to defeat them. They are worried of what, worry about what did that to them. I'm really loving this conversation, but could we not have it in the puddle of shit? What do you?

Oh, I'm... Hr-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hack. We could literally wand to 50 feet over that way, and we wouldn't be standing in shit in it. Let's go, let's go. I was trying to close as resin while and walk all the shit out of our wounds. Ugh. You look and you walk past the hut and it just like kind of collapses into a sludge pile.

Oh, shit. I, I stepped in it. You have to clean my paws off. What? You have to clean my paws? I'm not going to do that. No, no, I'm not doing that. Grumbley, you're crazy.

No, no, no, it's not happening. No, get away from me, Grumley. That's gross, man. Just wait to her like near a river or something and like wash your, oh. I'm gonna walk around now. He can't get to me. No, you're gonna get in the house. Don't stop on Silver Pine.

Oh, God. He wouldn't want my paws off. Guys, look, look what I found. It's one of the full glass mug from Batman Returns that made for Sirbite Taco Bill. Maybe the middle class thing wasn't all the way false or lie after all. Maybe there's a fool's hope, but a lot. A hope after all.

Oh, it's the Robin one. I'll say the deceiver takes many for us. One of which, of course, is Robin. Oh, that's really funny. You see as Beauregard is standing behind a tree at full attention. He's also standing straight up. All right, Dad, we did it.

We won the day. Are you all right? I don't know what I'm feeling, son. Yeah, it was pretty harrowing. I feel like... How long have you had that erection? I don't know. When you say all that stuff? It felt like hours ago.

Oh, boy. I haven't felt... I haven't felt like this in a long time. I don't know how people, mortals, was supposed to witness and smell what we just experienced. And yet you still have an erection. And that's the alarming part. You think every time he uses the bathroom now,

he's going to get off? Like, this kind of a sensory, you know, alignment. This is wandering. Don't make him laugh too odd. I think my soul needs to be saved. You want to be baptized? I mean, right now we only have a puddle of shit, so I can't get it. This is the most heroin.

I've never seen anything so vile, and I barely survived an Oscelot attack. What are you saying? What are you saying? You're trying to change your ways? I don't know what else to do. Hell is real. Demons are real. The end is near.

You thought your only problem was the mob. I missed the mob. But Donne was. wasn't such a bad guy, especially before his kid brother got executed. He went off the handle like that. You know what's crazy about all this? What? Back when I used to, you know, hang out with the goons, piss and stashio and the rest.

Oh, I thought you were going a different direction with that. Continue, go ahead. We're listening, we're all ears. You know, I got to get the ear of the Don occasionally. That's how I was able to borrow so much money from him. The crazy thing about all this, everything that happened, every last moment of what just occurred, the crazy thing, believe it or not, Quasimodo predicted all this. All of it.

Every last spot. When he pushed forward the macaroni picture with the highly rendered and detailed shitting bear amalgam, I'm like, you've been playing too many Dark Souls games, Quasimodo. You didn't tell us anything about this. Why didn't you tell us? Oh, I just thought it was all flights of fancy. Ugh. The Don really believes in Quasimodo.

I just, I don't know. I was, you know, you know, grandpa. He always said, Oregon, beware soothsayers. Oh, that's what he said, just that's the whole message right there. That whole nugget of wisdom right there, great. Thanks, Grandpa. Yeah, you know, what Grandpa was always saying. Yeah.

Beware suits says. How can I forget? For words are wind. And they know little and less. All right, all right. What does that even mean, little and less? I don't know. Your grandpa was always saying that.

Oh, gosh, I wish he was here. He would know what to do. Yeah. Is he okay? Is he alive? No. He was like 412. Oh.

Yeah. I'm sorry for you lost. It's fine. But look, your dad's okay. He's alive. He survived the Oscelot. Against all odds. Well, Dad, if you really want to change and you want to find a new life,

I suppose I can't stop you. I don't know. I thought this arc was going to be a fun little mob arc inspired by There's Sopranos, good fellas, the godfather. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe a Brooklyn tale. Oh, that's a good one. I love that one. I like that. I don't know how he got mixed up in all of these.

Well, I can... Demon lords and the apocalypse and all that. All I can tell you is I think it all started to go awry when we chose not to politically assassinate that guy. Yeah, I think the magistrate really needed to fucking die. I think he really needed to fucking die. You know, now that I think about it, I think there was something wrong with those eggs. We which ones? The ones back at that place that I ate.

What? Huh? Well, what? I ate eggs that night, right? When we went bowling, ten pin? We went bowling? Oh, shit. You know when all of this started?

Why we didn't assassinate that guy? I don't quite remember. It's because we voted on it. Did we? The truth. villain all along was democracy. I don't know. I think we should take a vote on that.

See, this is why I've been saying for years. The feudal system is truly the safest and most progressive form of government. Imaginable. We should really go back to new Felicia. We're going to apologize to the Marquisar.

You know, she's going to make this all right. She'll clean my paws off. I'm sure she has wipes, aren't? You just step in a river, man. Where's a river? Well, when we get back up top. Well, there's a river of shit right there. We're underneath the river, the river.

All I'm saying is beware democracy. Should we still kill that guy? Which one? The guy we were supposed to kill. I thought we just killed all three of them. No, no, no. The guy that we promised to, what's his name? The judge.

We went through all of this, so that we didn't have to kill that guy. Well, who's still the kind? We can totally do it now. Look at us. It would have been a lot easier. retrospect to kill one measly, you know, magistrate political figure than a horrible nightmare Eldridge abomination. And all those spiders?

That's so squishy. And the count. Couldn't have known. I mean several of his guests. And that, you know, the other one. That goat guard had just showed up dead on the floor that one time? Yeah, that was weird. That was weird.

That was bad. That happened. Oh yeah, the bowling. I know they were all covered in shit, but anyone really really, really, really. I really want a Margaritaville machine. You know, we should really get our own Margaritaville machine and our own soussayer, no, that I think about it. No, I agree, because we're going to head to our beachside mansion

or whatever that we own now, right? You know, I think we should have a... You have a beachside mansion? Yeah, yeah. Fuck, turning over a new leaf. Oh, there's a dad I know. Wow, great. Whoa, Beachtown, Babes, here we come.

Yeah. And I can be a sous-soucels. I can do it for us. Check it out, watch. You know how to eat, you know the art of macaroni. No, I know how to sooth say. I don't know about that. Whoa. Sooth.

Before we go, why don't we all have Jean-Claude anoint us in the oil of literal God and wipe away the sins of the world? I don't want to do that. Well, why not? I like being me. Some kind of irrepent vagabond. Oh, also, you know, I have literal night here on my side. who's an absolute beast of a demon

is gonna consume all the dim ones. Well, I suppose if he's so strong, a little holy water ain't gonna hurt you at all. I'm, um. I'm just a little splish plage. I'm unfortunately a dirty fucking sinner, so I don't think it's gonna do much for me. Well, I'll say that's the point of the holy water

as it waters all that away. Yeah, but I don't want to be anything but who I was born. Well, you know, I mean, there's a series of decisions brought you away you are. Yeah, absolutely terrible, awful decisions that I'm going to continue to make for the rest of my life. Well, listen, I mean, I could save your immortal souls

if you would just but let me apply a little bit of holy water to you. It sounds incredibly boring. Well, I could do it very quickly, and I mean, I think just the four of you here, you're a bit beyond repent, but I mean, I could try, but I think you'd just false call. John, I'm absolutely filthy.

Will you, will you rub me down? That would be a sin. Please say yes, please ask, please ask. I mean, I say, I say, I mean, I suppose I can make one exception. I mean, I'll never turn. Oh, oh. A beat of white. Fantasy Den, naked.

The closer and priles? Oh. I would like Martin Mortal Soul Save, please. Mr. Jean-Claude. If you could-step forward, if you could baptize me in literal God oil or water. Forgive me, Jean-Claude, for I have sinned. It has been at least 10 or 20 years since my last confession.

Well, that's fine. There's no cap on time, Grimley. I admit that I once cursed the name of literal God. There's more than once. Oh, simply minutes ago. minutes ago. I once accidentally said, do EG double hockey, get word instead of back. And I attract a bunch of poop all over to clean carpet and grab. And also silver pine.

Please forgive me. I say, I say, grumly though your sins are heinous and limitless. And you should truly feel shame. I do. Shame and you should feel the weight, the heavy, heavy weight. I'm a bad, bad dog. Your poor decisions, the good news is, through work and belief and faith, you can be saved.

Oh, now here on, here on, here on, may a culpa, Mayor Cuo, well, but like, uh, I feel his grace upon me. By that, you mean burning acid, a whole water, and the demon body. It's in my own.

Oh, then I think we toss in a couple, uh, Or our wolves, then you'll be totally fine to go. A couple what? Well, our wolves. Whatever applies to you. Our wolves? Yeah, you know the saying. I've never learned that prayer.

Well, I can't say it to you now. It's too difficult. Oh, maybe Mr. Surve-Pong is. You've got to speak you from it. I mean, maybe literal God. Sore Pines stands up. I have avenged my line. I have brought an end to the shartan stains of three clans.

The war of solace. Softness has finally come to an end. Amazing. There's nothing left for me. Here, but to wander. I will find the clear, the nearest exit to the forest. My fur. In so long, no hailed at the moon.

Now is my time to rest. He grabs a branch. He stands up. Ah. As he just begins to slowly hobble his way away from you. Say what? Goodbye, Mr. Silverboard. You'll always be the leader in a pack.

If you survive the coming end, perhaps we will meet, along with a piper at the gates of dawn. Whoa. That was some badass shit to say no motherfucker. God damn. Oh, boy. Cool as fuck. That guy knows how to relax.

Oh, I'll tell you what. Booker, what do you think? Now that I'm anointed, maybe we should go visit a Pope in Rome and get our next mission. What? Oh, I mean, we could. We could do that. I'm up for another mission. I mean, I got this cool... It's out of bolts. It's been a while since I've seen the 16 chapels. Sixteen of them? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. I mean...

Well, the literal gods here. We might as well go visit the literal pope. the literal pope. Maybe he'll have more crossbow bolts. Maybe they'll be blessed and even better than the ones that I had. Oh, and probably silvered too. That would be helpful for whatever comes next. What's a pope?

You know, I'm not really sure. I think he's technically the highest-ranking Abbott in Rome. What's an abbot? Maybe he's a cardinal. Oh, I've known a few cardinals in my life. Yeah, maybe he's a cardinal. Dirty little fucks, those ones.

He's either a rabbit or a cardinal, I'm not sure. He's the best one, though. I've never known a good one. Well, we look for the Vatican. We just kind of like, we look around, we're like, ah, which way is the Vatican? There's a sign that says Radican. You look for the Vatican.

Directions to the Papal State, please. As, you look for the Vatican. Oh man, I was really hoping to go to meet all the beach babes down at Drake Smith. You can meet all the Vatican babes. Oh. Well, I... Yeah. You don't know what you're getting into. Well, you can meet the Italians and you know what they say about them.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. There's no other way to say this. We look for the Vatican. That's no other way they say us. We can't beat around the bush, you know. You... You... find the Vatican. Finds. Silver Pines coach, unmanned.

He's nowhere to be seen. You hear one distant grumble, you hear one final descent, as if it seems like it's coming from the forest above. And I will, a fantastic Mr. Fox fist bump the ear. You do. And you feel like that's not the last time you've seen Lord Godfrey of House Silver Pine. Oh, beautiful.

You feel like you're able to find that you've been bestowed the title of Coachmen, that you feel like these wolf spiders view you as the pack alpha. Yeah. As you're able to set off into the underground seeking this radigan, as you make your way down tunnels seeking civilization that perhaps can anoint you and help deal with the strange, demonic, unholy terrors

you've experienced. And you go down, tunnels you haven't experienced as you start to see signs of civilization. Watch towers, outposts, as you see the heraldry of the Grand Underground Duchy, the civilization of the moles that you had seen and had impaled on one of your spikes. As you see that there is a, that before you, however, before you see, you don't see any assaults. But you see a lot of flies buzzing around this. You find a small settlement and you stop and you check the houses.

There's nothing, but flies cling to everything. They buzz around some larger than your head. And there's a lingering haze, the strange greenish haze that smells all too familiar. And you find finally see a crowd as you leave this village, a crowd all walking together. And as they hear the coach approaching, they all stop and turn.

And they all watch. And you see hundreds of moles, all covered and postulate boils. Oh, no. Some with bits of coarse black fly hair, others with segmented limbs, other with bulging, red, multi-segmented eyes of a fly, as they all stop and await your approach.

Hey, you're at the coach? You're the coachman. Yeah, we should probably turn around. Truly. You're the alpha now. Do you know how to make a K-turn? I look at the hounds in front of me, the wolf spiders, and my team behind me, and I'll say,

truly, I am the alpha dog, starring Justin Timberlake in a mireche. That was poignant. Thank you for that crumbly. That was... From 2006. No, I got you. Well done.

Antonielton, too. And Bruce Willis. Oh. Oh, wow. You need help. We come in the name of literal God. Hundreds of mole mouths open and speak in unison with a familiar voice. No.

To go any farther is forbidden. The time is nigh. The first rider has taken his steed. It is now up to me. To us. To bring about the second rider. The rider of war. We must resurrect the greatest warlord.

The blazing heart. And that is where we'll end the session. That's a gigamore drop. What a deep cut. What a deep cut. Oh, whoa. All this happens in Biddlem. He's just like, is that you, Wigor?

Wow, that's for all of you Root RPG campaign fans. That's a deep cut. Wow. Look at that, some serious lore dropage. Very fun. Well, thanks, Mike, for running a session. Very close, sir.

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