Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E2 | Jailhouse Rooster

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

The gang finds themselves in jail in need of a public defender...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/KK_1TDjtKoU?si=iLQNGPlUhTTzXBkc

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. I'm Booker and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. What a crazy two weeks that was. I know. It's been like two Thursdays since the universe was created. Things are getting weird. We could have an entire crew of sexual deviance

if someone would just go down and deal with this. None of that seems even remotely like a good thing. I failed to be a chef. I also failed to be a violent revolutionary. You could succeed. And that's the Eiff's job on the planet! Calls out an unregistered ship here in Muckbed Creek. Do we have permission to board?

Come right aboard. You're not going to like what you find below deck, that's for sure. Yeah, just watch. Make sure you're wearing shoes. The Osprey kind of leans down and narrows his eyes and he reaches down into his coat and pulls out a what looks like a poster. Sees them. You are hovering the leader of the wooded.

of the Woodland Alliance. Arrest the Holland! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, God! The Dimwood, we are at least owed an attorney to handle our case. Y'all are being charged with murder,

conspiracy. No, I'll be. Attempted murder. Attempted. Oh, attempted. Yeah, and attempted murder. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly.

Harboring terrorism. We weren't harboring anyone. Harboring a wanted person. You will be, uh, stand in trial. for the judge after questioning and because we are a forward-thinking people in the Erie you will be provided with a lawyer the best defense lawyer we have he's good he's an old rooster fella by the name of Jean-Claude Chanticleer are in the jail it's just the four of you still it's been another several hours after the guard had left

and said that basically your lawyer would be in to consult you ahead of your trial the next day. And you are alone. Several, you perhaps had waited as several people had been brought one for petty fevery and one for just being for public drunkenness. They spent maybe 30 minutes in your cell with you before being brought out. And that's where you find yourselves. What do you all do as you await your lawyer? Oh God, I can't believe we got arrested.

We didn't even get to set foot on land before we got arrested. We got arrested on the boat. This feels... That's... ...some sticky pervert, juice. This feels very unfair. We didn't do anything, really. You tried to murder someone.

It was a hug. I tried to... He looked lonely or cold or whatever. That's what I'm sticking to my story, all right? Um, Peggy, why can't you believe it? I don't know. You'd think by now I'd expect. but I at least hoped we'd get a foot on land first.

Army Booker tried to murder a guy. It wasn't murder. I didn't try to murder him. You didn't try very hard, clearly. I tried to really curse this tiny pass. Jail time is slow time. As long as they didn't take my banjo from me, I would absolutely be playing a beautifully haunting wistful tune

as we are stuck in the jail. and because in real life I haven't been home in three days, I didn't bring the banjo for the perfect moment even I saved it from last week. For a big reveal this week, you have to imagine that I'm playing an amazingly haunting.

It's better for you that they took it from you, they can. It's gone. I don't care. No, I'm sitting there in the, like, picking on the air, and I'm like, ah, I miss my banjo. The tune that I would play

would be so full and beautiful. Oh, and full of regret, probably, right? Oh, no regret. My only regret is that he didn't feel the love in the... a hug that I tried to give him. Did you hear how he said, good lawyer? I hate to break it to you, especially you, Grumley.

I don't think we're getting a good lawyer. I think we're getting the worst lawyer they've got. What? No, he just said that we were going to get a really good lawyer. It was a little sarcastic. You know how sometimes someone says something, but then they chuckle afterwards to themselves, like it was funny, but no one else got the jokes? Yeah, Booker does that all the time. Yeah, that's...

sarcasm. Yeah. Yep, that's exactly how I would have said it if I was setting up for a fall. Oh, so we're not going to get a good lawyer. I think we're going to have to represent ourselves. Oh, we're going to rot in this jail cell. And I vote. Booker represents us.

Oh, I don't really have any experience with the law than then spending a few nights in the drunk tank. Does anyone else, Bitsy, you ever been in prison before? There's not a day that goes by that I don't feel regret. Not because I'm in here, because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then. Young stupid kid who committed that terrible crime, I want to talk to him. I don't want to harm anybody, but I think he's doing a Shawshank prevention thing. Just let it go.

Let it go. The Shawshank, what? Yeah, it's a whole thing. It's a major image. You might not have seen it. Yeah, so my vote's still on Booker being the one. I mean, well, obviously, we'll give the person a chance, Right, but if they're no good, we can't trust our lives to just...

So I'm the backup attorney? You try to snap the guy's neck. They might take that into consideration and not in a good way. But you're going to stick with the hug story. Absolutely. I might even throw it a case for insanity. What's a major image? You are for all of us? I'll start with me and we'll see how it goes.

For her? Easy. For you? Actually, probably pretty easy too, especially to go back to the Molotov cocktail thing. I could put my clown mask on. That might help. Save it, save it. Big reveal at the end. They didn't take it, did they?

I pat myself looking for the clown mask. You've stored it safely. I unclench and saw my clown masks. It's a little. It's a little thinking. But you can you, they know. It smells like my underbog. It's made like rubber.

It's a rubber. It's a rubber. Gross. Anyway, they say that the man who represents himself has a fool for a clown. lion, but, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about this. Well, now, Booker, I don't mean for this to sound offensive that I don't have faith in you.

Okay. But I feel like a sarcasm, good lawyer, is probably still better than you. Oh, I don't disagree with you. I don't disagree with you. That's why I'm the backup plan. You're a very, very smart raccoon. Thank you. You're incredibly clever. That's very kind of you to say, thank you.

Well, you're welcome. It's true. You've gotten us out of a lot of stitches. situations, most of them self-inflicted. And so because of that, I have no doubt that this sticky self-inflicted situation we found ourselves, and you could get us out of it. All right. I'll start coming up with a plan. If anybody thinks of questions that they might throw at us,

just hurl him at Bucca. And see if you can answer them. Quick, quick as can be. Are we going to die? What? Banana hammock? That's right. Why don't you think on that for a little bit?

Is that a hammock made of bananas or a hammock full bananas? Objection! Oh, that was pretty convincing, Booker. No, no, I do. I like where this is going. You're trying to confuse them, keep him on their toes. I'm thirsty. I'm going to step through the bars, go get a drink,

and then come back inside through the bars. How could you get me one? Sure, just one minute. Can you give me one, two? Okay. Actually, I'll just come with you and I'm gonna follow it through the bar. If you go and I'll take one too. As you do it, you realize that Bitsy has scooped up some filthy toilet wine.

And it's not in the bars of all. No, no, no. It's called Sangaria. That's foul. What? Where is your find this? This is... It's red, but there's definitely,

but there's definitely some scrubbed bubbles, lemon pludge in it, and other unmentionable. There's a little blue puck in my own. It's a strange rainbow film on the top. It's like an oil slick. This needs more time. This tastes fresh. Why these hair so curly?

Why did you give me a cup called Squatty Party? I didn't need you, I don't know. I don't know. He's gonna do so. Ha, ha. Well, you know, it's been... It's been fun. It's been real fun.

If this is it, if this is the end, if we spend the remainder of our years, here, the dim wood's locked up in a dingy old cell, I'm glad it's with the three of you. We can work out. We can get real strong. We can get tattoos. That's right.

We can make people our bitches. I don't... I don't know how I feel about that. feel about that. But you know what? Open mind. You know, I'm not... You watch your ass. I'm not against. I'm having a couple of bitches. What's my... I'd like you moxie today, Bidzee.

Thank you. I have to keep it short in the summer. Have you... have you been to prison before? No. You're just weirdly good at this. You know what? For us out of places, Everything's been ever since we met you. This is the most seamless we've ever seen. It's very bizarre. You feel at home?

I don't know, it's cozy, I guess. You're just exuding confidence. It's amazing, quite honest. It suits you. Thank you. All right, so we got a lawyer, and worst case scenario, we just unleash Bincey on them. That could be our third backup plan.

Lawyer one, lawyer two, Maniac plan. Okay. So in the meantime, I guess we just wait. They're just going to send this lawyer to us? That's what it certainly sounded like. You know, they might make us wait for weeks. Do we even know how long we're going to have until our trial?

No. No, they could be cruel, sadistic people and make us wait it out. We don't deserve an answer. What? We're criminals. We're not criminals. We didn't even do anything. We broke the law.

We didn't, though. We harbored a criminal. A fanatical revolutionary. And Booker tried to kill a guy. It was a hug. How many times do I have to say it? It looked more like a hug. Thank you.

Are you trying to kill that guy? No. Yes, he was. No. Oh, it's plain for all to see. It was, oh, God, you tried to kill that guy. Oh, look, I panicked a little bit. I'm not honest.

I panicked a little. What if you had killed that guy? They were like four other guys, and they all had prospered. If I had killed him, I had got onto the next one. If that's a little bit. That's what I had been trying to do, which I wasn't. I think that would have worked because seeing that one guy killed beneath your bare hands, the rest of them would have been shocked

into the stunned. They would have broken, like, wet toilet paper. You could have just leapt from one to the next. That's right, and it's the moment that Gromley smelled blood. He would have been all over him like a hobo on a ham sandwich. That's a lot. I could really go for a ham sandwich. Yeah, me too.

I didn't want hand sandwiches. I didn't mean to. I stepped through the bars. I think there's not a chance in hell I'm eating this. No, it's a perfect ham sandwich and like wax paper. It's like all folded up and nice. No, they're actually bright pink pucks that you say splash hog. No, no, not fool me once.

Shame on you, foe me twice. Shame on glue. You know what they say. Is he in this universe? Don't we meet a guy named Splashog once? Is that that biker? Yeah, at that biker ball that we played at. Yeah.

Remember that? I do remember that. Good time. That was a long, well, you weren't here. Yeah, I gave him the best night of his life. I wish I was good. Oh, is that where you went? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Everyone there knows why they call me Peggy. Why do they call you Peggy? You could ask him if we ever see him again, of course. Well, I hope we do. Tell me too. I don't think this is a ham sandwich. Oh, no, that's a splash hog.

I have those in urinals. You can have this back. Thank you. And I don't think that was water earlier. At this moment, the door opens and you see a shape come through as in walks a rooster, a tall tail coming out from an overly baggy suit, a little bit too baggy.

It's ill-fitting as he steps in carrying a briefcase a little ratty as he's got a proud crown atop his head or whatever they call that. What do they call that? A crest? A crest? Yeah, right? Whatever a rooster has the top of his head. Well, look it up.

As he looks at you through the bars as he steps forward and he said, I'll say, I'll say, look who it is. Is he outside the cell? Oh yeah, he's up there. He's in the hallway. I started to step out from behind the road. And I realize he's outside the cell, so I take a step. Well, how do you do my new clients?

My name is Jean-Claude Chanticleer. Attorney at law. I am certainly a lawyer. I pass the bar. Well, hi. Well, I ain't never been an accountant, you hear me. What? Accountant.

Who said accountant? You said accountant. Well, I am a lawyer. I will be a lawyer here. Let's see what you've done. One second. Here I have my notes. I have a quick question for you if you know what I.

Oh, gosh. Don Dolly, let me see here. I seem to have dropped my papers here. Hold on, and he's like, rushes this all everywhere. He's a shoveled. Are you a good lawyer? I looked at the rest of the crew. This guy's a mess.

Well, he said he wasn't an account and that means he sucks blood. Yeah, where did that come from? That seemed like out of nowhere. Yeah, I'm glad he confirmed it though. You never know. What a strange thing to bring up. He leans forward, I know what I do.

And he gets his papers and he takes his comb and he kind of dabbs him sweat off his brow. Oh, I do believe it's a little balmy here. Anyone else feeling a little damp? Sir, I don't mean to be rude, but why are you so sweaty? Well, it is this far south. It is a dam for an avian of my constitution,

you understand, you understand? And so I see here, oh, Oh, this is not good indeed, no, absolutely not. Oh, we know it's not. Oh, what does it say? Just tell us straight out. What are they charging us with? Oh, as your case is to be heard by Judge Blouch.

That is not good. What, what name Judge Blouse? Judge Blouf. Yes, yes. Bloufish. Blouf, yes. Bluff. Bluff.

Can we get the spelling? of that is any way that we could help us out a little? Yes, he is a very respected. Owl Judge, it's B-L-O-W-F-I-S-H. The Honorable Hootie and T. Blouch. F-S-T-H. You absolutely madman. That is just, oh, man.

Yes. Hey, boomers. Oh, man. Oh, that's bad. That's, that's meaning that's not. No, no, no, I am a respectable lawyer. My name is Jean-Claude Chanticleer, attorney at law. Sir, I get, I don't mean to be rude.

I went to law school. You seem a little nervous. Are you all right? I am fine. Is this your first case after law school? Oh, I have been a part of many cases, dozens of cases, perhaps. What kind of?

What kind of cases? What do you mean, perhaps? Either was or isn't. It is or it is. Well, you might not remember. I mean, many civil cases, this, and perhaps criminal, perhaps. Not civil? Why does he keep saying perhaps?

Perhaps civil and criminal. What was your favorite case you ever participated in? Oh, well, you see, I love, oh, it was a terrible divorce. Wait, do you make a voice for a... Oh no, it was the custody battle. bloody and brutal. Oh gosh, could do. But there were many twists and turns.

And when I called a special witness and all of the mistresses came out, there was a line around the courthouse. A mistresses? Oh, yes. That's at least what I told the judge. That's so many mistresses. What did the judge say?

In fact, in reality, I had just gone down to the local gentlemen's club. and offered a bottle of fine spirits to anyone who stood in line and lied. That doesn't seem legal. Are you going to do that for us? Well, who knows law better than I do, young man? Why are you yelling, please? You or Jean-Claude Chanticleer, that is my name, that is certainly my name.

Why is he yelling? Well, he seems kind of like a good lawyer, though. But don't you worry? I am a wonderful lawyer. Try to argue with him and test him out. Oh, God, yeah. I hate to be that person, but you're holding up those sheets. They don't have any writing on them.

Oh, hold on, not these, not these, of course not these. What are the charges? But don't you, Fritt, I have experience in criminal law. I have gotten a murderer or two off of us, off Scott-free. Oh, really? Yes. Did they do it? Well, that's open to interpretation and opinion. What about a legend?

But I know that the Blue J. Simpson thanked me quite handsomely for my services. What about alleged attempted murder? That one might have misconstrued that they thought it wasn't a hug when it was. Alleged? Well, a legend. Attempted. Well, attempt. Oh, attempted.

Alleged attempted. Let's see. Let me see. Allegedly and accepted. Let me see the facts here. Let me see the facts. The young man that you had attempted to murder gave a very heroin testimony. Let me see here. Oh, I suppose you do have very small hands. Is that written there? Is that bad? Are we going to die? I suppose, is it true that you don't work out that much? That's very true. Okay, well, he's the boys and lying. Oh, it says here that you were shouting obscenities and violent revolutionary Frederick.

No, I wasn't. Oh, well, okay, we can use that. I'm trying to get him to argue with me. He's not arguing. You didn't say fuck a lot. Did I? I thought so. I'm going to be honest, I blacked out a little bit.

That was Nestor, remember? He was screaming as I dragged in my... I didn't think that was me. Oh, you mean the leader of the rebellion? Oh, now he has a trial that I do not think he can come walk away from. One of the chances that we can basically trade him for our freedom and get off scot-free. We already tried to do that, didn't we? Well, we could try again.

We have an attorney now. But they already have him, so how do we trade him? I don't know. We can make up some secrets and we just, we make stuff up. This guy lies all the time, apparently. Apparently that's a fair game. That's just how it's going to whiff we... I was gonna whiff we.

Lying is my profession. That is what they, that's why they say that we put the lie in lawyer. Whoa, is that? Oh, is that like you spell it? That's very clever. Yes, it's not. Are you sure?

I am. I'm pretty convincing. I mean, I'm convinced, frankly. I think he's kind of a good lawyer. And he's gonna get us some water. Okay, what's your alibi? Okay, hold on. First of all, first thing first.

I'm gonna be your lawyer. You need a label with me. He walks away and you get, and he drags like a metal chair. I think it's so hard. Just pick it up. Just pick it up. Just pick up, pick up,

and he's not, heavy it can't be that heavy. Okay, let me take off this jacket. I'm a little damp. He takes off his jacket and slings it over the chair. He loosens his tie and he sits around backwards. Now I'm not one of them stuffy old regular lawyers. I'm a cool lawyer. You keep mentioning that you're a lawyer.

Yes, that's me. I went to law school. I even passed the bar. How'd you do that? Well, there was a place down the road, you see, called the Sandbar Great Karaoke, if you have the time. If you're on the counter in case y'all don't get executed. Wait a minute. And I thought much of myself I might stop in and quit my mind.

whistle isn't the sandbar a teaky joint why yes it is what does that have to do with being an attorney well I said it might be nice to have a tall painkiller on account of the deep pain that racks me every day hmm and I decided no that's not what a lawyer would do and I walked right on by I passed that law that past that sandbar oh that checks out that's good we passed the ball right my man stands the reason what else could it possibly mean I mean, I mean, I don't know about lawyer things, but if you're supposed to pass a bar to be a lawyer.

Yeah, and you patched the whole thing. That sounds good. Oh, that is indeed true. You see here. That one still doesn't have any writing on it. Do you say we were gonna get executed? Oh yeah, wait, what? Wait, what?

What? Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on. Oh, no. I may have. We're gonna get executed. I may have, I said in case you don't, that is only a possibility. If you, with me representing you,

No, maybe Booker, right? Booker is a lower chance, there is a less chance than you're expecting to be an executed. It's gonna be okay, you only have to wear like a tie. I don't wanna be executed. I'm not done yet. I have a lot of things I have to do.

It'll be all right, and then we can go to the tiki bar. Not if I get executed. No, it'll be fine. You wear a suit and a tie, you tell people boss them around, and then you'll be fine. I don't think it, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna be dead if they execute me, Bitsy.

No, don't be dramatic. I'm gonna be dead. Oh boy. Well, you know what? I may have, hmm, I have had clients that have been accused and convicted of crimes punishable by death. And would I executed?

Well, we appeal to the judge for a mercy, you see? Uh-huh. And so they just killed them quicker than they would have otherwise. What about an plea for that I wasn't in my right mind at the time? Oh, the old insanity plea. Yeah, I can act a little crazy if I need to. How crazy can you be, boy? I mean, how much we're talking here?

I can really lay it on thick. Let me see you an example. Right now, right here, boy. What's your name? My name? Would it help if I lied about that? Well. What kind of what way you from boy? What kind of name is Buker? It's Bucker. All right and looker

Why does it have to be two O's man? What do you mean that's how you spell? Booker no it's like book like booker. I'm from Muckpet. I'm from here. I'm from here. I'm from Yeah, booker. Yeah that's my name. Hold on. Okay, are you ready? You only, I was gonna say you're only gonna get this once, but if this is the angle we're gone I'm probably gonna have to do this a lot. Now where you from? Grummer. He's happened! Oh, no, fucker!

How's that? I didn't even get to a performance check. This is insanity! This is kangaroo court! I won't stand for this! Oh, I know is I've seen crazier folks after closing time at the gentleman's clothes. That's true. What am I supposed to take my pants off? What do you want from me?

I mean, it's always worth for me. I don't have any pants. Well. Are you actually crazy, or were you, I was just lying? Well, now I feel like I'm going crazy. I just, uh, well. So are we gonna be executed? Yeah, you might be.

And immediately you hear the door slam open into the hallway as a voice shouts in. I say, I say, I say, objection. I'll object to you, you know good. You're over-living. Actuals on claw. You two-alm and flim-flam. Dis-tile!

How did you escape that lavatory I locked you in? Yet again. Well, it was easy, you dumb bastard. You didn't lock the door. The last time I saw you, you were falling to your death. Or so I hoped. My identity theft foiled again. Well, allow me to offer you a peace offering,

We can depart amicably. Let me just enter my briefcase. Brick case sand. As he throws briefcase and as he scampers out the other side of the door and slam. He has tricked the door as you see another rooster lawyer in front of you.

What the hell is going on here? And that's we'll take a break. Holy shit, Gallagherna. Oh man. I gotta get that up. I gotta get that up. I gotta say something. part of that whole thing was looking

over at Mace and watching you dying trying not to make any noise. I was pretty well for a lot of it and then you got to the Sangaria bit I almost passed out. I almost passed out in the show there.

Oh my gosh it was close. Well hi this podcast is brought to you by our Legends of Adventress Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com. slash Legends of Aventras and gain access to tons of exclusive Legends of Aventris perks, including a monthly movie night with Legends of Aventras and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign by Legends of Aventras set on the high seas, shroud over saltmage, presented by Legends of Aventry. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement.

The Crooked Moon, a folk horror toome for Dungeons and Dragon, fifth edition. and hand, don't forget to snack all them extra goodies, like dice and miniatures and plushes in a tarot deck and more. Thank you from Legends of Adventries. Before you now, Stans, a lawyer, a chicken, a rooster lawyer, who looks similar as if he could be related to the lawyer he just chased out. But definitely distinct. What does Jean-Claude Chanticleer look like, Mace?

I think exactly as you described Jean-Bue Chanticleer. Okay. Tall a reddish Plume Flesh bloom. Oh, that's the giblets. Well, yeah. That's the lower flesh plush.

Oh, it is called a cone. Apparently, very cool. A medium-flip-a-sli-a. A slightly more fitted off-white suit, but still not quite correct. Yes, it is kind of like a sears sucker. Oh, yeah. What color feathers?

What color feathers do you have? I would say, I was going to clear. What? Yeah. What? Yeah. It's hard to tell through all the sweat and panic. Yeah. And I've broken out of a holding cell from my brother's in prison. You need a toilet.

Yeah. So what you all have seen as this other chicken lawyer is like wiping the briefcase. Oh, that's no good flim flammer. The briefcase, you've seen this happen. I'm going to run up to the bar. Hey! I don't know what's going on here. Oh, dirty snake!

Just let me out and I'll take care of them. I promise I can do it. Ignore my tiny raccoon hands, I can do it. No, no, I can't let you out of prison. I'm here to get you out the right way. Now, listen, I don't know yet what you've done, but from the looks of you, it's maybe murdering, some thieving and perversions of the highest order.

But I can tell you right now, that that man that was in here is guilty of a much worse crime. than even that. What's that? Tax accountant. He was a vampire. I knew it. Exactly right.

We thought it was weird that he was bringing up being an accountant all those times, and then he kept talking about how he wasn't an accountant and that he was a lawyer and an attorney, and he kept talking about passing the bar. It's very weird. Disgusting. He doesn't know the first.

We're going to have to find him in his layer and drive us a steak through his crotch. What? That's how you kill accountants. What? I suppose that would do the trick. It has to be that way. It has to be the crotch, yeah.

If there a reason it's gotta be the crotch? Is there like something in the groinel area that's necessary for a counten? I don't know the law. I just know how it works. Are you referencing our 2023 Gen Con live show? Well, now hold on. Don't go admitting to any planings of murdering in here.

They record all the conversations. Oh, they record them. Well, I think so. What does that mean? Recurred. Anything if you've admitted to a crime while you're in here, they can, in fact, use that against you in the court of law. You see actually up in the corner hanging from the ceiling is a small officer that's a bat, and he's like, this is some fucked-up ship.

Oh my God. Oh, no. We've made a Greek mistake. His name is Sneed. I can't keep up. Okay, all right. We need to take several steps back. First off, we didn't do anything. This is all a giant misunderstanding. Secondly, if I have to plead insanity, I'm willing to do it. I put on a wonderful performance and that chuckle fuck over there told me that he wasn't impressed. Let me see your best performance. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. He's rabid! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! Oh! I was convinced. I think you could use some more. What is with the people around here? Ah.

Well, listen here. He doesn't know the first thing about lawyering, and I haven't formally introduced myself. Jean-Claude Chant-Claire, lawyer-at-law. Wait, what? You're also John-Claude Chon-T-Claid? No, sir. I'm the only John-Claude Chant-Claire.

Well, then what was that guy's name? That was my dirty, no-good, low-life-living, trickster doing some other kind of crazy stuff, a flim flammer, a dirty thief, a no good rotten scoundrel, that was my brother, Jean-Luc, Chanticleer. We are in fact related. John Claude, John Luke. Your parents were very creative. Well, it's been said before.

I'm never artists. Are you guys brothers or? brothers or twins? Well it's hard to tell us apart but in fact we are twins yes and that's the reason it's hard to tell us apart. Are you fraternal or the other one? Fraternal but we look exactly alike. Yep. Is that what the doctors told you? Yes it was at the time and nobody's come forth with any compelling scientific evidence to prove different. Have you ever had your genetics test to define genetics testing? Yeah, the Oh, well, no.

Exactly the same? No, no, no. The second you get your genetics tested to have that evidence on you for the rest of your lives. Oh, no. Then suddenly, you commit the smallest single crime. What have I done, you said, Grumlin? He does what he's talking about.

Since you are representing us, I feel it's only fair to let you know that we've left our DNA everywhere. I mean, extensive amounts of DNA just, All over the tip-horse. You have? What the fuck? Why would you do that?

Oh, you did it too. No, I did. Oh, you did? I was very careful, Gattaca style. Don't know what that means. What? Is that Sangaria you're drinking there? Yeah, it's a little fresh, you want some?

I'll have a touch of stuff since that party, Blue Jays. You want a ham sandwich? No, I'm good. I'm good. A nightmare. I'll just carry on. I say, I say. Are you gonna give us water like your brother was gonna give us water?

Now, why don't we go over the list of your supposed crime? Why don't we start there? It's probably for the best. Allegedly, I'm being charged with attempted murder, but really, it was just a hug. I tried to hug the guy. Well, that's good. I mean, you'll do well understand.

Never admit to a crime. We can probably get you off with that. Now let me hear you say that you didn't commit a crime. Well, I didn't commit any crimes. That was Booker. I didn't commit any crimes. Each one he tried to kill a guy. A legend or otherwise.

Maybe he's not wrong. No, no, I didn't try to kill anyone. I didn't. Why didn't you turn his head to the left really fast? It was a hug. It was a hug. I'm standing by that. Am I doing all right?

Is there a better story? Help me out here. You're supposed to be representing us. I'm flabberated. You tell me what your take on what happened was. Well, that's the weirdest hug I ever done, see. It's crazy. You can give hugs like that?

Yes Pretty good So far I thought he was trying to break that guy's neck But he didn't push up into the right Hardenough Well, what's your dick? Little pause

Well To be fair There were a lot of perverts Beneath the deck It smelled very funny And I was disoriented Okay, you can go on the stand And you can go on the stand

You can't go anywhere near the stand Oh Why not? Your solid is rock I don't understand a damn word you say and that's gonna work best for us would it help if I put my clown mask on and took my clothes off before I got on the stand my nips are quite perky I don't know what the hell my brother my rap scowling of a brother

said he doesn't know the first thing about lawyering but I can tell you this we need to find the closest gentleman's club and I need a hundred dollars dollars or dimwood bucks this guy's insane I mean a hundred currants Genetic testing, recording, dollars? What is happening? Doesn't he know the deer are long dead? You don't know what bucks left in the dim one? It's crazy.

Wow. Mr. Chanticle, I want to assure you that Peggy and I are unbreakable. Son, I'm going to tell you right now, they're going to put this guy up on the stand. They're going to rattle him like a cage. And then they're going to put this one on the stand, and it's going to get even worse. It's going to melt like a puddle of ice cream in the hot July. Hot equipment in July. What?

Why? You're just, you know what? Why? Why? You're gonna look like a dropped ice cream cone on a dim wood sidewalk. I can handle it. I can't do. You have just, get me up there, I'll be fine. No, you're not gonna be fine.

Son, do you wanna get out of this? Yes, yes, I do. Okay, well then we need lots of people who can lie for us. Who is this Scott Free? Have you seen Ant Man? What has your brother's boyfriend got to do with this? I don't understand. How did you know about Remi Lyle-Laboo?

No, I thought his boyfriend's theme was Scott Free. He said he was gone to all. Oh, that's very funny. Oh, God. I'm not going to survive this. Mr. Schott of Claremont-Level. We don't have any money. We can't hire these, the people you're looking for at a gentleman's club to lie for us.

Well, I say, I say, I suppose we can throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. Oh, no. Oh, could we try the insanity thing? I'm gonna live with it. It's not gonna work. Oh, that performance was terrible. That's not fair at all. I could bite Grumly if that'll help, draw some real blood.

Well, if you can prove you're a danger to others and yourself, they might just keep you in prison forever and not execute you. I don't wanna be in prison forever. How do we, how, how are, help? All right, let me take some time with the evidence as it stands. We'll see what we can do here. I don't want to tell you how to do your job. We got a lot of half-baked plans here. We need to pick a direction in here. Go.

Okay. Well, I'll say, don't you worry, bouquet. It's a booker. We'll get you out of here, all right? Booke. What is it you need us to do, all right? Like, can you just, can you tell us what, I mean, outside of giving you a hundred something or other so you can some hookahs. What is it that you need for us to do? Well, just, you know, people with jobs. What do you need? What? What? What? What? What?

Why do you need people with jobs? Well, I'm actually, you know, you're judging us because we don't have any real jobs? You don't have any jobs. Well, what kind of... Between work at the moment, wanderers. We like to, you know, you know, we go and the music takes us. You're transient. Speaking of which, have you seen my banjo? Is there any chance for me getting that back? Oh, I can probably locate that for you. That be wonderful. Okay, yeah, we'll work on that. But in the meantime, you were saying

your trains in, so you just showed up in the town and immediately tried to murder the guards. No, it's all of all. Yes, it's all right. It's not. Does it help us? Does it help us in any way if we hadn't touched land yet? Oh, that's right.

We were sexually in international waters. Oh, maritime salvage laws and all that. A loophole. We don't have to claim maritime law. Is there a capital? Captain on the ship? There was, yeah. What was their name?

Is the name? Nesta. Should we give you the real name or make one up? Well, it's not me, why we need to make one up? He's not some kind of untrustworthy criminal. Yeah. Oh no, oh God. Here's the thing.

He might be a wanted war criminal. What is he? Violent revolutionaries. Violent revolutionary. But the thing is, he was a captain. We were just trying to get off the ship as soon as we can. He had us.

held hostage with a bunch of perverts. Did we even give them permission to come on a boat? It wasn't our boat, it was his boat. How many guards did you say you in Canada? Oh, I don't know, eight to 12, maybe. Oh, no, eight to one. Well, at least three or four. Oh, is it three?

I think it was three of four. As if it's three. Wait, there are four of you. And by maritime law and the laws of everyone else, if there are more people who say you didn't do it, than there are that say you did do it. You just get off. Wait a minute, is the law that easy?

It's just a vote? So far. I would like to try to remember how many guards were at this incident to the best of my ability. It's like 12. That's what I thought. I think real hard.

You know what? I think you're right. We outnumbered them, especially when you count those perverts. How do the perverts? Where did they get off to? They were like at least two.

I think they're still getting noise. I think they're still getting off. Probably found John Lou. It's called Disembarking, Peggy. Disembarking. What? No, docking.

Oh, yeah. That's such the reason. Listen, there were only three of them. I say, I think we can do a game of he said he said. Look, I never would have... It had to be three because I never would have attempted when I had attempted if there were like 12 of them.

That'd be insane. That'd be crazy. No one would do that. So wait, I'm confused. Are you saying if we just get them all off, then we get off? No, we have to get him off by lying, as long as every single person here will play their part

and getting him off. Wait, is he the only one staying in trial, the rest of us? I was gonna, I don't have to get off. We're gonna paint it all on Booker. Oh, what? No, hear me out, hear me out. How many times have to get off?

Well, it was all book, I mean, in fantasy. Well, you can't put everybody on the stand, all right? He's gonna take the wrap for everything. And then once you go in, I like this plan at all. I'm gonna stand up and I'm gonna say objection. You can't find him guilty because three additional people said he didn't do it. Oh.

That's a great idea. I know. That is because I passed the bar. When do I get off? Oh. Well, let me see when the trial is. What's the trial? Tomorrow.

You'll get off half past tomorrow. Half past tomorrow. Okay. Are you talking noon 30 then? Probably somewhere around noon 30. What else do we need to know? What are we going to do? What do I have to prepare to get off?

Can you cry on command? Maybe. Yeah, absolutely. Work, Dave, if you can work up, kind of, you know, I'll go in, say, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, these heinous and hideous and hideous, ne'er-do-wells lying against

this upstanding citizen booker. necessary, do you have to call it suddenly? I'm talking about the people who witnessed your friendly hug. Sorry, I was confused. I was thinking about the crying. No, not. Well, hold on to that interview. Hold on to it.

These heinous and hideous liars and there dwells who claimed, falsely I might add, to have seen you attempted murder. And we know, well, allegedly attempted murder. And we know that that is in fact not the... the case and how do we know? Because these three say so. That's right. Exactly right, Your Honor. And with that presented in front of you, irrefutable evidence of Booker's in his hands. You have no choice but to set him free. If it's tomorrow, you got it leave, that was beautiful. Wow, wow, that was so good. If it's tomorrow you got time to round up the perverts. That's even more people that are on our side.

Yeah, you'll just have to give me a detailed description of them. I think I can round them all up. I mean, the perverts. What more do you need? Yeah, right, that's all I need. I can find him. So, let's just say, theoretically, he doesn't get off tomorrow. Is he going to be executed? Oh, almost certainly.

Oh. Yeah, I see. But then we're going to go to the tiki bar. Well, that would be the next logical step. Once we've been it all on him, you'll have to go free by proxy. Oh, wait, if he gets executed, do we get executed? Well, no, no, no, because we're paying every. on books and we're not going to be on trial anymore. The three of us will be just in in...

It doesn't seem fair. Is it that easy? That would be triple jeopardy. They can't execute us for stuff that he did. Wait, so we're going to say he didn't do it. That's exactly right. I'm glad you been paying attention. That's our plan. Wait, that's our plan. I mean, have you ever had to defend somebody in the court of law? Whose job is to be a lawyer? His law? His job. He is a good lawyer. Oh. It wasn't sarcastic at all. I'm convinced. Yeah? Do you mind you have under your waddle?

There's a hair here. Oh, not at all. Yeah. Oh, good. Not attached. Thank you. I've been scared at that for the last 20 minutes. Oh, chicken with hair.

That's disgusting. Oh, I don't think it was his. Yeah, you get a little bit of a great. All right. Well, you know what? I can't argue with this plan. He knows what he's doing. It's all, it all checks out.

This is it. And I don't know if this will help you at all. But I created magic. He also created the universe A couple of Thursdays ago Well What? What in the heck do you need a lawyer for? Can't you just get him off yourself?

I've tried a couple of times But he just takes so long Last I wasn't sure it was gonna be like You know like six people 12 It's a line of them, you know, how many times refractive period all that good stuff Refractive period Ruh

Rha Oh, I say. Oh, I say, I'll say. Oh, my. That is, oh, my. Mr. Chardonnay. Do we need a couple of code words? Like, one for me to know that I got to cry.

One for me to know that I have to go crazy. One to know that I'm going to get off. I think that's exactly right. I think what would you respond well to for the tears piece? I think the question is we've asked about the crying. We know that you can go rabbit on cue. Can you get off on cue? He doesn't have to worry about getting off on cue.

That's my job. He's going to get up on the stand. I'm going to stand up. I'm going to wave my arms around in a dramatic fashion. And he's going to get off faster than anybody you've ever seen. You might have created magic, but he's a wizard of getting people off. I say, I say, the man speaks truth. Are you getting on this, you burger back?

Oh, yeah, what do we do about that guy? Oh. is our plan ruined? Oh no. What's you writing? What's you writing? You're waiting, freak! We actually don't have to worry about that.

I don't know why they still do this because bats can't spell. He's just riding squiggles on that paper over there. Wait, they can't spell? I thought they didn't have good eyesight. No, they can't do how they want. I mean, that's maybe why it can't, you know. Who knows exactly right? I guarantee if he turns that paper away.

right now, that's just squiggles. Hey, turn that paper around. Let me see that paper. Maybe a doodle or something. She says aggressive. Tell him, stop writing. He's not listening. Stop praising.

He's whispering. I think the problem is, and apparently you don't know this because you didn't create the video. That's communicate via echo location, so we just got to echo. We got to echo at it. So, Bidsey has to say stop writing, and then each of us has to say it. Stop writing. Stop writing.

Stop writing. Hey, stop right. Stop right. Stop right. Stop right. Stop right. All. Stop right.

Various interjections. Unintelligible. Unintelligible. I think it were. All right, well, don't you worry about that bad. I'm convinced that that's not an issue. All right. We're trusting you.

I have one backup. I believe the things that you're saying. I feel convinced by you, so you, you, you liaring really well. Backer plans are good. We could consider that. Exactly right. Now, I don't think I'll need it because Buccair here seems like he's solid as a rock. Bucare.

But in the event that he gets quakey, sounded nice. The, uh, the backup is, of course, classic lawyer tactic, have leverage on the jury. What? He heavily leverage on jury? Exactly right. How you're going to do that? You usually pull the rods in them with their pants down. Excuse me?

Doing perverted things, yeah. What? Tonight, while you're all sleeping, for you, free of charge, I offer this. I say, I offer this as a part of just my standard legal fees. Well, this costs money? Well, exactly right.

You're paying me at least 100 Dimmwood bucks. And there aren't any left in the Dimmwood. Oh, what are you saying? You don't have any currency? Any Dimmwood bucks. So I was very clear about that about five minutes ago. Mr. Chardoning? I take all of my clothes off and put my mask on.

I can help you with this. I will come with you tonight. Oh, actually. Well, there's... We're in jail. I think I'd just... She walks right out of the parts. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm coming back. It's not like I'm gonna stay out on it. They never even know I was gone. What are you thinking? Well, I'm thinking that we get him sleeping. Have you these frog legs? They're quite bending. I think you're going to do great in the Polaroids.

You're going to show up on film real well. Mr. Chardonnay? We just have to make sure that we're not utilizing any of that new-fangled, like, cinematography. Because I'm green. Yeah, okay. So I'll completely disappear. Exactly right. The moment you start doing any of that screen business.

Yeah, and then we'll just have to make sure we keep the negatives safe. Just in case. Mr. Chardonnay? Yes, Little Rat. They took all my stuff from me and they got his banjo and they got all that. stuff but if you can get my little baggy and healing cream I can help you with them polaroids what oh my cats well officially but as per the law dictates they have to turn over your position to me as a part of discovery you have to do I can investigate for evidence

all right well just once or twice a day all right what once or twice a day what for your Polaroids I've never felt so helpless. She's gonna go with you two? Well, I mean, yeah, exactly. What are we gonna do? We're stuck here. Are you gonna go with them too? And leave me here alone, Bucke?

You are gonna have to make fake pegies and a fake peggy and a fake Bitsy. I don't know, figure it out. God, we're asking you to do one thing, Booker. Can you do one thing? You're the reason we're the reason we're. We got into this here. You're the one that's gonna die

if we don't figure this out. That's a fair point. All right, I need you to get your head in the game, buddy. Boy, I hope I don't flip on all of you. Flip? I've never seen you do a flip, broker. Well, you might. Can you flip?

You might be the last thing you see there all grubly. Amphoratics might do away on the stage. That's a very charming thing to see you do with flip. You know, you've been a front man and a groggy bottom boys this whole time, and I haven't seen you do one flip on stage. Don't take your eyes off me. All right. Just in case some of the guards walk by if something happens,

then it needs to be, especially in the dark, it's got to look like we're still here. Okay. All right. I believe in you. I trust. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yep, yep.

We got it. We got this. We got this. Oh, we got this. They're not going to do what I don't think. I think they'll be just fine. Don't worry about that bat. That bat's okay.

All right. All right, well, we've got this. I don't think we'll leave him yet. Oh. No time like the present, right? I mean, you have a lot of Polaroids to take. A lot of compromising positions, huh? A lot of perverts to find.

How many of them are there? Well, usually about 12. Right, we'll have a nightly quote of about 12. Well, perfect. I mean, that's a match made. Well, hell, the dim would. Wait, it's only one in the afternoon? I put it at a clock, it's pointing at one.

What the hell is that? Well, if you leave now, you can catch the cheeseburger special at the gentleman's club. Hurry, go, go. I step through the bars. Fully, d'way. Catching them eating real sloppy is just as good. Ah, you know what, Brumling? This is wonderful.

The adventure that they're about to go on in Dimwood Time is like four eases. sessions all by themselves. So what do you want to do? I figure how many shorts we're going to get from all that. I'm going to take a nap. I can't take a nap. Because if the guards come by, we have to make them faint and everybody's here.

Yeah, we've got to think about that. Are you going to pretend to have rabies again? Only if I have to. We never got the command word. Well, I wish you wouldn't joke about it. I have a phobia then. A phobia of joking or rabies? The rabies.

It's the most deadly violence. virus on him. That's true. That's actually very true. You're right, we should be judging about us. Very serious. It's extremely serious. You'll be all right as long as you guys got your shots. Reminder to go to the doctor. Extremely serious. This is no laughing. This is no laughing now. Well, good luck, my friends.

Good luck to you. Yeah, we're gonna need it. If anyone tries to rough you up, you just beat up grummy. I don't want to... Wait, why I'm made? I think it's to assert dominance, but it's not really my bag. Call him bitch a lot. I'll see what I can do.

Okay. I'm a boy dog. How am I gonna... Nice. I like that a lot. Derek's looks nice. I like that. Nice.

Very funny. Very funny, grumbly, indeed. Good boy. Good boy, God. All right, so we got a plan, right? You got to know what you're doing? Yeah, we're going to go to. Oh, I say we know we're doing it.

It's not the first time, son. Right. Well, my life is in your hands. By this time tomorrow, you've gotten off so many times, and you're going to be free for the first time. Let's go find those jury's members. That's exactly right. Good luck.

I believe in you. Stop bitch! I'll stop talking now. We leave prison. How does that work? He used the leave prison act. It's a way of mercy feature. I went up to the door. Oh, they forgot to lock it.

Come on, now. You see the heavy padlock fast and tight as the lock. is the lot of them. You got a key? Obviously can't afford bail. Oh, bail. Right, right. Lawyer, lawyer.

Why do you need hate? No, quit your hilarious sidebar conversation. All right, little pals. God, I'm trying to think. Let me go see about bail. I'll just have to tell them we have no money, but maybe I can promise to him something else. How are you going to get out of here if there's a padlock on the door? Because I'm not in the jail.

You haven't inside this jail the whole time. No, you're in fact around the bars. I'm back on the other side of the bars. Representing you as your lawyer. You're a really good lawyer. I believe you right now. But we just said we stepped through the bars and the DM didn't stop us. No.

Multiple delays. Oh, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry to. It's in this moment. It's pain in my back. It's going to be all right. Oh, God, our lawyer's kitties are failing. You can't grab the guards here.

And I pull out a crisp $100 bill. And I hit you. Oh. What the hell is the United States of America? Yeah. You. I don't know if this would help, but I have some acid. I don't mean, give anything to try.

I think I can convince them. I don't think I have to throw her ass in the face. I did that maybe three times. It never went well, so. My fourth is just crazy. That's true. He once, full me twice, will be three times. A bridge too far.

You hear the door open again, and you see a fox walk through. He's one of the guards. One must have changed shifts where the muskrat is gone. And you see as he is pushing forward into the jail right next to Jean-Claude, you see a very large and burly looking like hedgehog. As he steps forward and he's got very small eyes, very stained shirt and pants as he just steps forward and then the guard walks past and takes takes his key ring, and he says, excuse me. Well, okay, what? Are you letting them out?

No. Do they pay post bail? Well, they're going to post bail for them? Almost. Yes, they have. The check's on its way. I'm bringing this guy in. As he unlocks it,

as this huge hedgehog steps forward. Why am I picture the Big Ed from 90-day Beyonce? As is it? What the hell? Jesus. That's exactly what he looks like. But a Sonic O.C. version of that. Sonic, oh, got it.

Is it our cell? He's now being ushered. He's walking through. Oh. God. Oh, no. We both, like, scoge way back up against the hole, like. He's sitting.

Very firmly on the ground. He walks forward as the door claims back. Don't make eye contact. And the guard locks. Probably, whatever you do, don't look him in the eye. Okay. As, uh... The guard just nods at you and then walks away as the hedgehog steps forward.

And there's a wooden bench that's against the wall. And he just waddles over it to it turns around and just, mm-hast he sits down. All this open bench and he sits down directly next to you. Exactly right. Yeah, yeah. You just go over and he sits down next to you. Oh, no. The bench creaks underneath his weight as you hear the the bristles of his spines.

popping against him out of his shirt, against scraping against the wood, as he just sits down, and it kind of just looks ahead for a moment. And it looks at you, fucker. Don't look, do not. I'm like trying not to make eye contact. No, he's looking at cheek, look. I don't think he sees him. Oh, should we run?

I don't know. He doesn't see him. Should we run? Shit, no, there's, where are we going to find one a cage? I don't get us on the cage. All right, on the count of three, we're gonna move the outside cage. Okay.

One, two, two, hold on, hold on. We're on three, was it, one, two, three, go. One, two, three, move. Okay, one, two, three, move. And we're gonna like that up and just like, just like, oh, no, no, no, you're vulnerable,

you're vulnerable. And I'm trying to help him up, and you try to scat him from the other side of the cell. His eye just follow you, and he just looks, you as and you see this hedgehog look at Booker as the as the pair moves over and you're on the other side now and you all sit down and you hear the creaking goes to scooch as the hedgehog scoots over damn it's that's coming over it's coming over

I don't know. Just play it cool. Fine, fine. What are you in here for? Do you want to know? Yeah. It was messy. Yeah.

Elaborate. Oh, you want to hear how messy it is? The bat's like... Yeah. I put it in my two weeks tomorrow. It's like psychological damage on the ass. You have rabies. The edge hog.

Oh, Jesus. Now you can make an edgehog. They call me rabbit, Rick. What do they call? Because I might have rabies. I keep putting it off. Gladys is going to kill me if I actually have rabies. And I guess that means she has rabies too.

What if I have rabies too? Oh, what am you? You are nervous. There's nothing we can really do about that. Yeah, it's incurable. That's right. There's no known cure in the dimwood. It's only a matter of time before we get hydrophobia.

Yeah, you know what the rumor is on the streets, right? Yeah. That there really is a cure for rabies, but all them perverts in Hollywood keep it to themselves. We're getting off topic. It seems very on topic for the canon of the situation. You gotta tell me what you did and why it was so messy. I'm like visibly sweating and like trying to keep my cool so that we don't lose it for Grummel.

I'm just strong for Grumley. Peggy's still naked with her clown mask on, just watching. She's like beans and Rango and she's just like a, Are we just in the hallway watching this? No, no, you're in the prison cell. Okay. John Claude is walking through the bars. What's his problem?

Just new here. You don't see many dogs around here. Not an eerie country. I haven't even seen a dog before. He's with me. It's a chew what they say about dogs. What did they say about dogs? I said the bark is worth the buy.

Oh my God, does Brumley have rabies? Do you... Do you... Oh, oh, do you... What, you... Do you really have rabies? What if I do? Yeah, do you got any Virginia slims?

By the time you... feel symptoms it's a hundred percent fatal that's right it's the deadliest virus on earth it's a serious condition yeah what he said i knew her virginia but she wasn't slim that'll work okay what is he happening me whatever you know whatever you are It's this, though. It is a hot dog. It is a hot dog. Genuine.

Whoa. Wow. Oh, my God. Becky doesn't even chill. Oh my God. Where did you get that? I'm taking so many Polaroids in this situation.

I snuck it in. But how? I don't want to know. I know. I know. What's your name again? Oh, no. Call me Big Ned.

Big Ned? Yeah. Why do they call you that? I know right now. It's a hypothetical question. What are you? You little slow or something? Are we cool, Big Ned?

Is there a reason why we're not cool? I don't find it. It seems like you're talking about messy crudies and whatnot. And your name's Big Ned. I don't know. It's kind of intimidating. Unless you're cool. Oh, is that I...

I ain't gonna do hard time. We don't want to do hard time either. If things go wrong, we're gonna blame everything on Hank. I forgot about that. Is that gonna work? Oh, yeah, it'll work. Well, you don't have to worry about that because tomorrow half past midday.

I'm gonna get him off. I'm looking forward to it. They're gonna eat you alive. In the clam bucket. Is that a promise? Sure it is. Sweet. Maybe I...

Maybe I... Shouldn't get bailed out then. Oh. No. You got any more than hot dogs? I stole a whole lot of chili dogs. There was chili on that thing? No.

No. Can I introduce you? That wasn't chilling. In a refreshing glass. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. This is some good sangaria.

It's a little fresh. He didn't tell us what you did to get in here. Just that it was messy. Oh, it was messy. Got everywhere. I can tell he stole hot dogs. The guy's really burying the lead.

We're burying something. Oh, the chili dog court didn't know what hit him. I gotta hold them chili dogs. What do they say about dogs? You're leaving a lot of open threads here while we're talking. You keep mentioning dogs. What do they say about? We're losing to pop.

They say a lot about dogs. But like what specifically? They like getting their bellies rubbed. Is that true, he greased away. No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, you stay away from him. Yeah, I'm already his bitch, I'm spoken for it. Yeah, that's right.

There's only one guy in this place that's giving her belly rubs and it's me. That's right. Yeah. You tell them, Booker. That's right. You're doing it. You're doing it, Booker.

You're believing it yourself. Big intimidation check. Me? Yes, you. Oh, God. At what point should I add my part of inspiration? I got a 13. 13.

He takes his stuff back. Fine. Gosh, I know you were a real big shot trying to run the place in the clam bucket, huh? No, I'm not trying. I am running the place. Oh, is that so? You'd be good on a chili dog heist.

What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. If I'm putting the pieces of the puzzle together, right? You just tell them you stole a bunch of hot dogs? You thefted a... I sold them chili dogs, yeah, clam chili dogs. That's what they call them. And that's it?

You stole a bunch of food and you ended up here? Yeah, yeah. I got a bum racket after I disappointed the boss, won too many times. Oh, why was it messy? Did you, like, kill the guy who went the car? No, it's the chili spill all over the place.

But don't worry, it was nothing personnel. All right, well, you know what? This isn't so bad. I thought this guy was going to be a horrible matter. You know, he's got hot dogs. That's no crimes at all, basically. I mean, I don't know if you know this from my parents, but I'm a lawyer and I'd be happy to represent you.

We can get you off as well. I don't need a lawyer. Oh, well. The boss will bail me out. He always does. Who's the boss? The Don. You don't know the Don?

Don who? Don Chino. He runs the Riverfolk Company. I don't like Chino's. They're not flattering on anybody. Wait, the company is full of orders. I mean, the company is full of orders. No, you can drop the act.

It's okay. It's fine. It's all right. Scratchy on me voice. It was for safety. We're all right now. I think. I said out like I had scratching pretzels earlier.

So now this is a little better and more natural. It was more or less a panic reaction, honestly. I don't know what I'm over the... Well, I came from. Um, Don of the Gobogoon. Crime family. You don't know he runs this town. Yeah, but you think he's gonna stick his neck out for you?

Well, I'm one of his lowest goons. He needs me. When you mess up a chili dog heist? It's just a set back. Ain't nothing more than that. When you say lowest goon, out of like how many? There's a lot of goons. A lot of goons.

I don't want to alarm you. But the other goons ain't in jail, so he won't be busy bailed out of any other goos, I don't think. Okay. Do you think that might be because he doesn't bail out the lowest goons? No, I believe that the boss can bail me out. Has he bailed out goons before? He's trusted soldiers. Whenever they run into the law with the eerie,

he always clears it up. You don't need to worry about me. I promise you, we're not worried. You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. We're not worried. I know that look on your face. No, no, we're not worried.

Soft hands. No, we're very not worried. Soft hands. Don't worry about me. No, I promise. We definitely not. You don't have rabbiased out, right? That was just a silly joke.

What if I do? Well, it's highly contagious and we don't want it. Is it true that you like being scratched behind the ears? Can you stop asking me questions? You can talk to him. I'd have seen.

I hadn't seen a dog in a long time. But you make it this really weird. You have a thing for dogs? You're making this creepy. It's like borderline and creepy territory here, all right? When was the last time you saw a dog? It's a long time. Wait! Are you that guy from 90-day Flee-on-Se?

It's that dog wedding show, isn't it? You were that creepo. I just thought that there was a pretty, pretty cockus ban you. I don't like where this is going. Oh God, you've been married and divorced like eight times now. They all got in old. I don't think they did. Well, you know, the shows are all made up, Peggy.

They all made up. The producer just told me what to say. So the producer told you to say that you were looking for a sexy pug to bring home to mama? What? A pug? Why pug specifically? I don't remember saying that.

Oh, good. Can I insight? Yeah. Oh, pretty good. Very well done. 23. He seems. You're a high alert.

He seems genuinely confused and actually scared of Peggy. Join the club. Oh. All I know is that I, my specialty is, the racket that I'm in charge of is all the dogs. Can you stop grudden every time you look at Grumly, please? Yeah, grumbly.

No, it, well, it's grumly. It's grumly? I know I'm going to get bailed out. So you need to worry about me. We're really not worried. Stop asking all these questions about the Don. I can't stress this enough. Stop asking about the Don.

You don't care. People ask too many questions. End up dead around here. You watch your ass. I won't get you any more sangaree if you don't watch your mouth, all right? Stop threatened. Seven. Uh-oh.

I wash my ass once a week. I don't smell like it. What? I like look big net up and down. I shit bigger than you. He stands up and you hear you all like suddenly are lifted up as the bench creaks loudly,

as he looms over you. And you see that he's looking down over you as he leans down his bristles are tight, but they are sharp. And he says, I'd like to see you try. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. You guys gonna have a shit off.

No, no, no. I'm not, no. Peggy take me with you. Peggy, take me with you. Peggy, please. I'll do it. Kill me. This will be the second time I've seen a shit off. And honestly, it's weird. It's happened. Peggy, let me on fire. Peggy, immolate me. Just kill me now, please.

I beg of you. It just snap my neck. Just snap my neck and it down. Please, I can't go out anymore. I can't take it anymore. Was it up into the right? Bixie? To really, really snap in the head right off my little raccoon's shoulders. Please get it done with. I mean, look, if you're going to have this shit off, can you?

Release do it quickly. Is there a prison toilet? There's a bucket. He says Sangaria. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Now you listen to me.

Come down here real close, quiet. Make a persuasion check. Nine. You go on hot dog heists? Yeah. He's good money. I do my kickups and I got like a couple clams left over. Look, you just be cool.

We'll find some more hot dogs when we get on the outside. You're looking for work? I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. You just be cool. You just be cool, Big Man. Make intimidation and persuasion to take an advantage of whatever you're doing. I'm going in intimidation 21.

Yes, let's fucking go. Huge. Huge. We just met. That's nice to meet you. My name's Bitsy. It's nice to meet you. My name's Big Ned. Hi, Big Ned.

I'm Bitsy. I'm Big Nett. I'm a goon. I'm a tiny mouse. My name's Bitsy. How are you? I'm alright. Little hungry for some clam dogs. Are you having any more? How are you?

I'm good. Oh, I'll have... No, you go ahead. I'm going to have... I'm so much. We enter a loop and then it happens for two hours. This continues. The bat at the end of it is.

Hundreds of pages. How are you? I'm good. My name is Binty. They prepare to do a shit off. This is my favorite in our party romance here. is big Ned and Bitsy. It's the OTP.

You're just standing here watching all this as a little bit. I've seen anything like this before. This is happening. I'm not quite sure what to do now. Are they going to shit at each other with kids? I don't know. I want to leave. Can we leave?

We can't. We're in prison. Mr. Sean Declare, can we leave? Tomorrow you can leave, I guarantee it, okay? Big Net deal. Are you sure you don't need representation? Boss is going to bail me out any minute now, and I'll be walking free. Well, why don't I check on that bell for you and see if that's on its way incoming?

You better be careful, law man. I'm not under no law man. I think last I heard you're responsible for shimmy the wrench getting put away. What? What do you mean? How did you hear about that? Oh. I mean, that's not true.

That's not true even a little bit. Word gets around, Mr. Lawyer. You don't know this, and I don't expect you would, because he's no good, too-time and vandalizing, ugly son of a gun. But my brother, John Luke, is going around these here parts, saying that he's me, and he's doing all sorts of stuff,

and unfortunately, every now and again, he's good at it. So it's probably him what no good put away Jimmy Two Toes, the ranch. Got them locked up. Not me. I'll never. I'm a defense attorney. I only get people off. You're telling me that you have an identical twin brother who looks and sounds exactly like you and dresses exactly like you

and has successfully stolen your identity and pretends to do law in your place and actually sometimes pretty good at it. You completely missed what I was. saying okay you didn't get it there okay we're fraternal twins you got everything else look it is that's correct me guess I say weirdly yes 21 bingo pretty good and you expected me to believe that only if you can be trusted to believe the truth there big nedgehog all right Well, perfect. Just don't fuck with me.

I'm surprisingly fast. Like movement-wise? I mean, look at him. He's like spherical. Get him near your leg, he's just going to go. He's going to roll and roll, and nobody ever have to stop him. I gotta go fast. Well, okay, okay.

I'm not as fast as my brother, Sonny. Oh, you have a brother, too. Yeah. He's still your identity ever? No good son. No, we love it. He's a little, he's a little weird. He's weird.

How's he weird? What's his kind of special brand of freak? I want to get into it. I'm just going to sip on my sangaria. I ain't got no sangaria. Are you going to give us waters? Your brother said he had water. I'll see what I can wrangle up, all right?

Let me go find this here jailer person. See if I can't find any of your effects and wrangle up a glass of water for you all. Okay, I'll be right back. No, no, you've got to get regular water like your brother said. He was going to get his avian. Well, I don't have me in. Okay, I'll get your avian water. Thank you.

You're welcome. Water for me, too, please. Okay, waters, all around. Please. Avian. No. Just in case we do make it out tonight. I gotta keep my mouth dry.

What? Oh, sweet gods. Um, you know, please help us. If you get waters, I'll take one. I hate it here. This is the worst. This is bad.

This is really bad. Whatever you can do. I thought this would be tolerable, but this is bad. If you need to, you can ask for a drink. prison was going to be tolerable. I thought the four of us were going to have a wonderful time and, you know, just, ah, what a disappointment.

Technically, this is only jail. I hear prisons much worse. What's the difference? It really is much worse. That's the plan bucket. Short term holding people overnight and whatnot prisons, when you get in the sentence and you're going to stay there for like a long time, like all the years or stuff.

Okay. What she said. Cut it now. We're learning things. You have a surprisingly good grasp on the prison system. Have you done this before? No. I'm just a very good speller.

How do you spell jail? J-A-I-L. That's not what it said at all. Jail? No, that's how I can't spell jail at all. I'm pretty sure that's right. Did you see the sign? G-A-O-L?

Jay. What do you think this is a GIF? Yeah. Who spells it that? You guys are trying to gas guys. I think it's a graph? Yeah. Is it really pronounced as Traffix?

Ah, hmm, that's good sangaria. It's all right. It's not the best I ever had. It's still a little fresh. And actually keeps saying that. And how is you making it? I'm out of loss here, probably. I don't know.

I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm tired. This is awful. Mr. Chardonnay? Yes, Missy. How much time has passed? Five minutes?

Hard to say. I actually just about four and a half. I'm going to go find the jailer. Please do. Please do. Please, I beg you. I away, if I know. You leave and you're able to exit,

and you pass a guard and you make your way towards the processing center, and you see that there's a little station with that same fox that had brought in Big Ned. And he's looking down and he's doing some paperwork saving way as he's writing with a pencil. Good. Good afternoon. I say I say young gentle fox. My name is Jean-Claude, Sean,

to Claire, Lord Lough. How are you this fine afternoon? I'm all right. How are you? I'm doing excellent. Thank you for asking. So pleasant. Now, listen, are you... You're representing the rebels? Well, alleged rebels. I see you're tossing around labels before anything's proven in this here court of law. And I got some information I think you'd like to be privy to. Are you in charge here, or is there someone above you? I'm in charge here for now. I have hot off the presses information, and I'd like to trade it for the freedom of my compatriots.

You can post bail. Well, we've already posed the bail. The checks in the mail. I told it that before. We don't take checks. Well, I'll have to cancel that then. What the hell's it? Go on my bag. That's what you're going to say. Oh, I say, I say, I say, I'll say.

I'm just having to go off my bag. Hold on just in a minute. Oh, what? What are you mean? At first, them, would bake, my voice is my password. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I say, I say, what do you mean I got zero balance?

What do you mean? I called 40 minutes beforehand and cleaned out. Joan Luke, that's Canada. Okay, fine, Fox. What is there bail? Only 50 gold for each of them. 50 gold for each of them. Yeah, the mastermind is set at 2,000.

Wait. Which one's a mastermind? The duck. What's the duck? Mr. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

We don't care about it. No, that's a little too much, yeah. I think, well, he really should stand trial for his crimes, I think. You know what I mean? What he did was pretty bad. Yeah. I'd actually like you to produce me to the evidence that you have on everybody. It's called discovery.

You're legally obligated. Is that a thing? Yeah. Or deception if you're lying deception. 19. Better well. The evidence is eyewitness testimony. A bunch of horrific, unmentionables found in the cargo hold of their catarabye.

Uh-oh. The first officer that went down there was on medical leaf. Physical medical lever or mental. Yes. I knew those perverts could suck the chrome off of a tailpipe. The hell's a tailpipe? I don't know what's talking in riddles. Well, I was just thinking about it.

Busy processing, Big Nat. Oh, well, what I didn't hear you say is, doesn't sound like there's any DNA evidence. time to the scene, isn't that? In fact, you need to see the DNA evidence? Sir, do you have to?

I'm legally obligated. Don't make me go back there. I don't want to do it. Don't do it then. Please, don't do it then. You don't have to do this. I didn't go. You don't have to do this, Mr. Lawyer,

well, three months of law school. I can go through all those three ones at all school so that I walk away from legally obligated evidence. Oh, no. Take me back. I'm going to need to see my supervisor. The Fox disappears and then comes back with a very large key wreck. And a very slow and solemn walk to the evidence locker. As the lights are off as the door opens,

the blarred key ring is shaking as it enters, the smell hits you first. As you stare and it's dark. Thank you. It smells like Pennsylvania for it. The fox lights a lamp in the room. Oh, I think that's made it worse. Put that out. It's expanding the sand.

What you see, you will never be able to describe or share with anyone for the rest of your life. But God's know, you will never forget as you return back to the desk after being shown the evidence. Stop this. Why did you let me back there?

Why? I have to live with that now. You're thinking they obligated. I'll bet Mr. Chanticleer is gonna give us all in second now. He'll be back in no time. We'll give us an update. We'll be out of here, let me split. Can you really do a flip?

The mail bond company is next door. Literally next door. I'm gonna go home. How do I feel so good? I understand. Oh. I have to talk to... I have to talk to my...

God. They can't help me here. Why don't you give me the keys and let me lock up for you? Hey. What is it? I did you know that guy. Mr. Fox on those.

A hair holding. just leave the keys. I don't know. Make your decision to get advantage because of the emotional trauma you've unleased. Good one. It's pretty good. 15, I think.

No way. It's got to be high. Persuasion? You rolled the 15. It really rolled 14, but either way, it's still got to be on that. Oh, sorry. Yeah. 25. There we go. It's like, geez, your lawyer

and your persuasion's supposed to win. I never said how as good a lot. The keys hit the desk. of this fox and he just walks away, I don't even fucking care anymore. And he just walks away. Do you think, do you think that's what they said? They said,

but I've been a police officer for a long time. And I've seen crime that violate the statutes of both Critterkind and the Almighty. But I ain't ever seen nothing. like that. Goodbye. Godspeed. I stand up the keys. I slammed the door open. Wow, you're looking actually sweaty. What's going on? You all right here? Your feathers are all mad at it. Have you been crying? You've seen pale? Yeah, he has been crying. I'm just a little flemmy. It's frankly humid in here. Oh, sir. Here, have some sangria. Some sangria. You look. You're just a little, you know.

look part. I don't know if that's gonna how. Oh, God. Oh, no. Nope. Okay. Mine is it so thick. Hmm. Did you forget the avians? Do you forget the avian water? No water will have me walked away. What you've done? What?

What? You sick bucks. What are you talking about? We didn't do anything. We didn't do anything. I told you the truth. That's okay. I'll know what you've done. It doesn't sound okay. It's been marked on my mind.

It's been marked on my own mind of spirit. What do we do? For the rest of my days, I have to live with what you've done. Oh. Oh, and it's changed me in my car. It's changed me. It's changed me. It's down to my bones every five of my being.

I walked into that room a man and I left less man. I'll tell you. I say, I'll say. I've never been to something so spiritual. Then walking into that evidence locker and seeing the proof of what you did. I don't want to alarm him, but his left eye is drifting. Oh, so he knows everything? Oh, no.

14 people, everyone who handled that evidence. Either dead or insane. What was the evidence? No, I couldn't speak it. I could not repeat it. But... So what you're trying to say is that we're going to die. No, absolutely not.

I'm a lawyer after all, so I'll just pack it all inside, box it up, and I've got to go. keys, so I'm free of you. Oh, that's right. That's right. Oh, you got that key. No, you don't understand. I'm a defense attorney, so this is the thing. That's how it goes. It doesn't

matter if I know you did it, I'll just get you on. Oh, that's right. Okay, so when are you going to do that now or later? I don't have, well, we gotta give it. You be, we're free. No. Hey, I offered you representation, okay? You said no, the Don's got you. Oh, don't, well, fine. The Don'll bail me out.

Yeah, there you go. You can stay. Do you think this may be wild, but you see that that evidence is really bad? Yeah, I can't repeat it, but oh my God. Ned, can you not listen for a minute? Bitsy, can you distract him? Hey, hey, Ned, hey, hey, Ned. Yeah, what's that?

You want to sing a song? What's that? Three coins in a fountain. Oh, each one, my happiness. This is a great song. Ravis three, hope colors. You know the words, yeah. Oh, my, wow.

And what... I want you... I want you to get down and dirty with me, old Shanticleer. Oh, I can taste it. What's it gonna take to alter the files and pin that evidence on net? I can make it happen. Because I think...

Because I think, look, I'm going on a limb here. You're the lawyer, not me. But I did create magic and the world a couple of weeks ago, a couple of Thursdays. Once a week, who knows? And we could leave. But then we're going to have a target on the back. But if you could pin all the evidence on me, then maybe they wouldn't think too much about us being gone.

And if it matters, I think I speak for everyone when I say, I cannot overstate how happy we would be to just throw old net under the bus. We are very, very, very, very eager to make all this go away. And what's also important about this too is he was mentioning the dawn and you. And if he goes free

and he goes back to the dawn and says that he saw you and forgets all that stuff about your brother, you might be in bed, Bad with the dawn, and we can't have that, right? So it's best if he's just... Think about the wrench. Think about the wrench.

I should be listening to this whole station. Free coins in a fountain. Three hars in a fountain. Through the there ripples housing, he's hard, looking for its home. Then just one wish will be granted. One heart will win a Valentine's. They are good.

They are so good. No one's better a distracting than Bitsy. Let me tell you. So I say I say after what I saw in that room some things are too ain't Did you say anus? No heinous I said heinous no no sweating again some things are Some things are too heinous heinous with an h with an age okay Some things are too heinous I just to put those crimes on somebody else I just I just I just couldn't.

Not for... Not for anything less than a strong I-O-U. How much? Well, what do you think you stand the game over the course of this campaign? I don't know. Well, that'll do. All right.

I-O-U. I-B-K. It's... You know, already. Perfect. You buy that. The perfect level of dissolution. Now to frame an innocent man.

Three coins in the fountain. Each one seeking happiness. She got some right. Unbelievable. Well done. Well done. Great job. You've got lovely voices.

We did it. Oh, thank you. If only I had the banjo. Yeah. We got to go into the evidence locker and get your banjo. From what I understand, if the banjo's in the evidence locker, it's lost the time. You don't have the banjo, but I can play the skin flute. What's that?

Yeah, what's that? Is that a special kind of flute? Is that a special kind of flute? Yeah, made a skin. Like a recorder? Oh. No, who played the recorder? I used to play the recorder.

the recorder. Oh. It was like, too, too. You know that song. You don't like Hot Cross Bunce? No, I know it.

I know that song. Am I talking to the batter? I'm talking to Big Net. I know it, Big Ned. I know it. Yeah. I'm in your mouth. Was that not three blind mice?

Yeah, that was definitely three blind mice. It's not Hot Cross Bunce? No. It might be at the same tune. Hot cross buns. Hot cross buns. See? How they run.

I know that's on, too! She's a little confused. She's got spirit, though, you know? That's what we love about you, Bitsy. And let us out of here, John Claude, and then I'll get out of your head, too. Uh, well, I say some people are leaving very soon, but some people are staying for a little bit longer than they thought. But who?

Her? Maybe. Maybe. I'll be back. Actually, can you shake my hand really quick? Oh, really? Yeah, I'm surprised, dude. You sit, it stands up and it creaks.

You know, I thought you were a really pathetic liar and a loser, and also I hate you because you put away Jimmy the wrench, and the Don's never going to forget it. You know, I thought that you really should end up in the lake. Like rotting and filled with grave worms. Forgotten by all of your friends, including your brother. You saying that has turned me on incredibly. I find you sexually attracted.

Will you spit into this handkerchief for me, please? I do it. She don't miss words, does she? She does not. I thank you for saying that, because I was experiencing quite the moral quandary now. Oh, wow. No one's ever said anything, though, like.

that to me, except at the foxhole, but I pay him to say that. There's something incredibly sensual about the way your neck extends from your chin all the way down to your chest. So if you can please spit into this handkerchief for me, I would really appreciate that. I'm going to use this later for my own sexual pleasures.

Wow. Remember, you gotta stay dry just again. I'm trying to help, you go out. Oh, hold on. My mouth is a little dry, hold on. Do you have any of that water? Okay, look, I need to stay. sip of my, I just a sip of my sangoria.

Yep, just a little bit more. Just a little bit, yep, yep, no, keep going, keep going, chug it. Chug it, chug it, you all fuck, chug it. Oh, man, he really looks like you. Oh, right, all right. Can you spit in this now, please, thanks. Oh, gosh, it smells like hot.

He's like joking, he's tearing up. I wipe up some of the tears, liver. All right, you've been a really good boy, then I'm gonna hand with you. I don't practice sanguero. Maria, I've got no physical ball. I had a million Timwood bucks, but I lost him all.

I'm gonna tell the boss about this. I sing to myself in the corner, waiting for it all that. Ned walks back to the bench and he sits back down as the bench creaks and he just kind of stares at the floor, sipping on a sangria. Well, I'll be right back, everybody. Okay.

And as you walk out, I will slip you. I go frame Ned. You don't have to arpe this. I'll go frame Ned. Well, I don't want to argue that room. I use the frame Ned action. Make an investigation check for him. And as you walk out, I will slip you the napkin.

That Ned doesn't see it. Yeah. Investigation? Yep. Roll high. We're twisting it. 18? 18.

Oh. Oh. You make your way back into the evidence locker and you only desensitized. There's a loss of time. Yeah. Like a whole chunk of time. You managed to take all of the things that they had confiscated from your four clients. And you swap all of it for the, for Ned's filthy handkerchief and spit and sweat and tears and all.

of that and you place it there and also you place a piece of paper from your briefcase that says I did it big Ned signed Big Ned I signed this love big net love big big net yeah well I say that all to do it oh Sean Claude Sean Declare gets another man You return back. Carrying a banjo, carrying all of the implements, the halberd. Why, you see the barmaud? Well, I say all right, everybody. If I could get just my compatriots up against the bars for just one quick second.

Oh, sure. You start taking my clothes off and moving towards the bars. You know, it's taking clothes off. You can think, no. Just against, just get towards the ballers, you know. You too as well. You come on up. Yeah.

Oh, okay. All right. Get out. Get out. Oh, fuck. We're doing this right now. Who, wait. The bat's like, wow.

I can't where that worked. We're so boned, man. We got to kill us. We got to kill us bad. Wait, I know how to kill him. What? No, we're not gonna leave the hallway and you stop and Bitsy says that. We all just have to tell them a story all at the same time, all of us at the same time, all right?

What, so his little bad-hitting quote? No, you don't want to go down for actual murder. At this point, it's all just a legend. Well, he knows too much. He has to go. No, he's, what he knows is can't possibly counter-take what I did down there. Are you sure, Mr. Chardonnay? The evidence in that locker.

Kurt is cumberslow. I'm not too mean cumbersome. It's an interesting word, Joyce. I mean, you should have seen. I got to be honest, I'm curious now. I mean, the way you're talking about it's like, don't you want to know, I want to know. I'm not sure I'm not in a few states.

I can be completely honest with it. I just, I got to know. I'm not sure this is really happening to me right now. I've never seen cumbersome evidence before. Yeah, I mean, like. Top to bottom. I mean, top to bottom. Speaking of, but should you get our stuff? Like a glazed dome.

Is you holding out? Did you bring up? Oh, yeah, it's all right. Yeah, don't you see it? What the hell is this? What do you, I don't know. The woods all warped. The drums soaking wet, it's ruined.

Yeah, yeah, you know what? Why don't you follow me to the evidence locker? You can go in and you see if you fire your stuff, okay? No, I mean, this is it, but it's all wrong. It's broken. It's broken. It's broken. It's a repairer.

You know what? Maybe you can't play this. Listen. Oh. It doesn't make any noise. That's terrible. Are you sure that's yours? Maybe.

No, it's definitely. It's got, I wrote my name on the back. It's all, it's running. It is running. It stinks. This is a nightmare. I don't even, I can't, I can't take this with me.

It's, I got to find a new one. A new one? Well, this one's never going to play right again. Look, it's turning into a C. Think of all the adventures we've been on with this banjo. Yeah, well. If you were more positive, you could call it a can, Joe. I wish it worked like that.

I really do. You can try. How do you know when you air it out and when it's all dry, it won't be fixed? She knows what she's talking about. She made the whole world. She might be right. I get full wait and see. What if the expansion?

of the wood, makes it so that when it dries out it plays more beautifully than it ever did before. I have a, yeah, it's like actively curling. One of the one of the one of them the Judy Mages falls off. I have a strong sneaking suspicion that that's just not gonna be the case. The strings snap, but they don't move.

Ew. Oh, crusty. Well, if it makes you feel better. I had a roommate after college. Oh, God. She had a boyfriend. You had a thing for curtains, so it would seem. You can't wash that stuff out.

What kind of curtains? It's good. Just some fabric curtains. Once it gets covered in the stuff, it eventually becomes indestructible. You could use that thing as a weapon or snap it clean in half. If I can snap it clean and half, it doesn't sound like a very good weapon. Uh, well... Well, then you have two weapons instead of one.

I suppose this is goodbye, old friend. With sharp edges. So does that mean that a banjo can snap cleaning half? To be fair, yeah, it looks like it might. You should definitely burn that thing. I was thinking about throwing the river. No, don't think of it in the river. No!

I just, I... Do not throw that in the river. It belongs in the sea. No, no, no. Do not throw it in the river. The stench that it will spread upon impact will kill everything. I can't promise I'm not going to throw it in the river.

Am I grow into some kind of monster like one of them foam things? You throw into a underwater pool. Okay. If it belongs in the sea, why don't you take it with you until we get there? Well, that's what I mean. I just seem to get out of here and I'm going to get rid of it. Well, no, but if you throw it here,

it's just going to end up in some mucky swamp. No, the river will take it all the way out. Don't worry. That's how it works. It goes right out to the sea. The odds seem very low. No, no, it's basically guaranteed. Oh. I was just thinking that maybe we could eventually meet up with Benji and Kazaya again

and Drake Smith and, you know, due the whole swashbuckling pirate thing. I can't wait that long to get a new band, Joe, my friend. Well, you can still get a new one, just carry that one with you. What if I carry it for you? That's a lot of trouble. That's a lot of trouble. What if we found a wood chipper? What's a wood chipper?

What's a chip of the woods? Okay. Not right. Sure. I followed. And so what if we chipped that son of a bitch right up? Turned it into a fine powder. You know, it's still got all the crust on it, so that becomes a weapon of mass destruction.

Ah, mm, mm, mm, mm. Do you think? We can throw it in people's eyes. If you're feeling frogging. Every day. There is? Guys, I don't mean to alarm you, but we're trying to get out of jail. right now. And I think Mr. Chardonnay has done us a real big favor.

If we stay here and get caught again, he'll go to jail and then we'll all turn into executives. It's true. And I know, I say, I know I just met you, but I take lawyer in very serious. That's still up in the corner writing office. Yeah, we're gone. We're gone. That begs the question. What about tomorrow? We just skip a town? We out of here? Yeah, it doesn't matter. After what I did down there, they're going to bring it up in a court of law this year, court of law tomorrow.

Oh, so we're just done. We could leave? Oh, yeah, they have no evidence on you anymore, okay? You in particular. Oh, me. Yeah. What about me? What about me? What about all of us?

You're a little questionable. Plus, you're walking around with evidence right now. I'm getting rid of it. I told you. I'm not keeping this thing. You're going to throw it in the river. It's got your name on it. Not for long.

Let's be real. It's like a tirely smeared off. Yep, there it goes. I just watch my name slatron off this thing. Ew. It's like a god's chick-edadding. that says boom and it's like a bad tattoo job that's all it says is B-O-O-O come morning this thing won't even look like a banjo anymore

he kind of doesn't well come on are we going or what we should leave but where we were we gonna go anywhere about here anywhere but here well we have a house can we come over yeah well we can go to your house I've got chateauauauauauauau right of the road oh that's perfect oh I love that can we do you have a I do married. No, no. No, lawyering doesn't do well with relationships. Wait, are you from McBet Creek?

No, I just got vacation homes and places. Wow, you really are doing well. Defense attorney and pays well. Unbelievable. I wonder if, could they reclaim my house after his home closed down on my account? Uh-oh. Oh, no.

We should go check. We only did it 40 minutes ago, but I'm quick. Housing Authority moves on reclaiming. Leave the way. It could be instantaneous. Right now. Let's go. You all leave as you pass the river, Booker,

go emptying, running out of the lake. You know the pathway. You grew up here. You know the pathways of the wooden walkways as there's towards the direction of the district where Jean-Claude allegedly lives. You pass along the

and you see the opportunity, should you wish. As you see the water sailing, or moving down towards the sea, down south, west. All right, guys, I just do one minute. I'd run over to the edge of the water, and I look at the advantage when I say, I can't believe this is the end. I swear, Nestor, the perverts, that weird rooster's twin brother. By all that is good, I curse you by now. night here!

And I throw the banjo into the here my curses! As I throw the banjo cursing Nestor the perverts and Jean-Luc. It sticks to your finger and it drops. You eventually throw it in.

I need you to make Jesus Christ. Make a charisma check. Okay. At advantage and add your profession's sake. Oh, that's not bad. 19.

19. You throw it in, if you're breathing heavily. As you see it hit the river, as it starts to, it floats, still filled with air on the skin, with the skin hasn't been fully punctured yet, as it floats and starts to drift down the river. And suddenly, very closely,

you see a large webbed, green hand emerge and another as a fish-like face peers up fake night here as it pulls it down under the water

as you see a fishman something that you've never seen before it's a preposterous that there would be a humanoid fish there's absolutely no way that's possible 30 seconds goes by as you see this strange humanoid fish utter silence 30 seconds right here

you will make them pay And then quietly, still in stunned silence, I'll rejoin the rest of the crew. Is that? Are you going to be okay? You know, I think I will be. We're going to get you another banjo. When the time is right. Do you have that one long?

As long as I can remember. Damn shame to lose such a fine musical instrument. It is. It is. But such is the way of life. She's in a happier place now Easy come, easy go Or something like that Is what it seems

Am I still gonna get off? You just did I did? Yeah You didn't feel that release? Oh wow now that you mention it It does feel like a great weight has been lifted off my Poor tired shoulders

Once again, John Claude Lawyer and Law Freezing innocent man. Thank you. Wow. You've done a wonderful. You're really good at this. I'm impressed, genuinely.

I always said it would go better my third time. So, you know, if we keep you around, does that mean we can just do whatever we want and everything clearer we get to and you'll just make all the problems go away? More or less, yeah. Apparently seems extremely helpful. Well, I'm never met a long man that can out talk me. Wow. So... Well, I guess, you know, if things don't go right with you, if, you know, it doesn't work out, there's always night here.

doesn't work out, but there's always night here. What, it was just like, you know, when day's over? What? Night's he? Night's coming. Oh. We should probably get a move on.

Oh, God, we don't want to be outside when that happens. Oh, that would be a nightmare. Lead the way to your chatee. Yeah, we'll carry on this way to this neighborhood. As you walk, Booker, you hear in the back of your mind, you're not sure if anyone else could hear it be dulcet tones of banjo. As if plucked by a wet, fishy hands.

Did you guys hear that? Hear what? I thought I heard the... I thought I heard the... It's probably nothing. So, what are you going to do now? Well, I thought

I'd just hang out with you guys, I guess. I mean, if that's okay, you know, you're the only court case I had on my docket and I'm all cleared up. And actually, I got to make sure that Jean Luke's not out there ruining my reputation.

We gotta find him. We gotta kill him. You want us to come with you and do horrible, despicable things to your brother? No, can we stop trying to kill people, please? I'm not a-calling about killing. I'm agrumbly. I just want to get back to seeing what we got to do and going around and playing music with my friends and making some money on the side. I want to live a comfortable life. But he's an accountant. He's a scourge on the earth.

He sucks blood. I don't disagree, but he's probably 30 clearings over by now. lot of clearing. It is. It's very far. He doesn't move that fast. You see him? We should really get to Mr. Chanticleer's luxurious, expensive chateau right away. That certainly hasn't been repoed yet. There's definitely not. I'm concerned that we're not going to be welcoming this clearing. Yeah, we got off. We all simultaneously got off together. But that doesn't mean that there's not going to be a bounty on our heads. You think when the Dawn finds out about what happened to, you know,

big neck ed, that we're gonna, like, he's just gonna, he's just gonna let us go free. Well, book is from you. You must know somewhere to lay low for a while. You know, while the heat is on, we just let things clear out for a bit. I'm gonna suggest the gentlemen's club.

That's where I usually go. Oh. Well, will Bitsy and I be welcome at the gentlemen's club? Of course, everyone's welcome at the gentleman's club. Oh, all right. Yeah, I love that. Fondley of the foxhole And also the gentleman's club

Yeah, and also I remember the location of the gentleman's club That's very funny Oh, wow, Mr. Chondikler is hot out here It's not as Like a Jule House, um How can I forget? You think fondly of the fox folly I guess you know

And it's a place you do know You have family here. You have whatever siblings that you may want to have or friends, whatever, whoever you think about people that you have as you make your way through. You think about places to lay low, although, you know, ain't nothing wrong with the foxhole. Eventually you make your way to Chateau Chant-Claire,

which is away from the walkways of this area, but very clearly, a soggy basement apartment below a duplex. And you see that it is boarded up and there is a sign that says repossessed by the first bank of Fort Wallow. And you see that a soggy envelope sitting at the floor of the stairwell

leads to your sad basement apartment. Well, I say, dang it! Zone Luke, I knew it, man, the repo's moved fast. Wow. Damn. Holy hell. I can't believe they got this all boarded up. And changing it to look from a luxurious three-story vacation home.

His soggy, this soggy basement under a duplex. Imagine. It's weird how that out of it. They renovated the whole place first. And then repoed it and then bordered it up. Doesn't even add up. Hey, it's victimization at the highest degree. I'm sorry.

Oh, well. That's awful for you. You must feel terrible right now. And this, just this soggy letter. Addressed for me is all I have done. Why is everything so soggy around here? I don't know. It wasn't like that before.

To be fair, I don't remember this would ever be in the soggy. It's particularly bad this time. Well, I guess it is called mugbed. Maybe that's why I left. I can't even remember. What are we going to do now? Should we go to the club? You think we still have time to hit the Cheeseburger Special? Oh, you know, Cheeseburger Special's probably over by now, but they don't close for at least a while.

We can get some food out. I'm hungry. I would eat anything. Might be Taco Tuesday. Oh. Taco's nice. You think... And they're serving salads.

You think that... Regardless of what food special, the drink special, the fire in the hole, is always available and always delicious. They got it on tap. Guys, guys, guys. You're never going to believe what I just remember. Do you think they have those little pretzel sticks? What do they call them, tummy sticks?

Pne sticks? Yeah. Maybe. I don't think that's what they call, Peggy. I would love to share some tummy sticks with friends. You look at the sign that. that actually says the first bank of not Warlowe of Muckbet Creek's. I remember what clearing you're in.

Yeah. The better book song. It was always that way. Yeah, it was always that way. As the, uh, as that letter just sits before your sad, and it's woolen door. Go ahead. It's just, uh.

I read the letter. It is from the Bold Eagle Bar Association. Uh-oh. As your heart drops. Yes. You read the letter and are, officially, currently but politely informed that you have been disbarred for violating the crimes of both Critter Kind and the Almighty.

And while this could not be proven in a court of law, you are prohibited from practicing law for as long as you may live. Are you okay? Do you need me to help you with your Polaroid? Fuck. And natural intercession. Let's fucking go. What does this mean from Mr. Shelton?

Wow, what a session, Mike. Welcome, Mace. Welcome, Mace. I didn't know this was like this. Welcome for the first time again. You think witchelite isn't hinged? No fucking idea. Welcome to Uprooted.

Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Aventrys podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to, become a member of our Patreon at the Pearl Dolphin Tier or Hire to unlock Shroud over Saltmarsh, a patron exclusive campaign set on the high seas. You can find that at patreon.com slash legends of Evantris. If you want to chat about the episode with the avantris community, join us on Discord at Legendsofavantris.com slash discord.

We also post content nearly every day on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram. So make sure you follow our socials at Legends ofavantris.com slash social. And make sure you check out The Crooked Moon so you can terrify your friends with a folk horror fifth edition supplement published by us. Get your own copy at the crooked moon.com. Thanks again and we'll see you next time.