Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E5 | Cult of Criminality

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

After stumbling onto a cult, the heroes have a promising meeting with a crime boss...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/Va9eDTtpgnE?si=GwHirA40cbQoAQLm

Welcome to Legends of Aventress, on Brumley, and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. A crime in which valuable things are taken illegally and often violently from a place or personally. You not know what a highest was before? Dad, it's me, Buck. What are you doing? Wow, what a photo finish.

Dad, how much of you down now? That was 65 big ones, I bet. Beautiful intro to Piano Man begins to play. It's nine o'clock on the equivalent of a Saturday. And a toad's shambling and a throng. There's an old squirrel sitting next to me. Just jonking and spanking his heart. The secret doorway.

That's very subtle, but all you have to do is press in and slide. And you go in. I'll press it open and I'll say, bitchy, you go first. Uptown squirrel, she's been living in a white oak world. I'm gonna sneak ahead and see what's going on. Okay, you're okay, I hope. Stay right here. Be very quiet.

You see a circle of hooded figures with candles black as night, lit and flickering all around the statue, all around this, a dark statue of a horrific fish-like abomination. As you hear, from gooey mowglare, night here, yeah, muggler for target. Bitsy.

Bitsy! Oh no. You peer, you peer into this room, you see hooded critters around this statue. There's a dim glow in the room. It's hard to tell. They look almost like silhouettes, like shadows, as they are chanting to knight here.

Yeah, night here for truth, for nagging, for action, As you witness this, they're all in this circle around this horrid statue, and it looks like it was dredged up from the bottom of a lake, covered in encrusted clams and other dredgery from the bottom of the lake. The stench is vile. As you see these cultists saying these things, make a stealth check to see if they notice you. Whoa, we played D&D here? The tiny one.

12. They continue chanting, and you're unsure if they've seen you. What do you do in this moment, as you see? I will look at the scene, and a shot of adrenaline fills my body. I know the game has changed. Bitsy will slowly start to step back. to rally her friends to see if they can confront the terrible cultists. I'm going to turn around and see if I can sneak my way back to gather my friends.

You do. You back up. As you hear motion, the chanting suddenly stops. As you hear the groans and strains of the voice as a door opens from the room that you had seen some sort of door. some other hatch as you hear a loud thud, as you hear whimpering. Just the Alton John experience. I just love to do.

He's an alligator. As you hear the muttering and the whimpering of this voice as the chanting continues. Why this love for two of the night here? You get back to your compatriots. Guys, there's a ritual going on downstairs. It looks real, real like spooky magic. I think they're trying to sacrifice that poor, that poor guy to the knight here.

I mean, well, obviously that's not happening. I'm the only one that's got magic, so why are you lying? Well, they, they, they got hoods and they got cannons. and they got spooky music, and they got that guy in a bag, and he's all crying and stuff. I think they're gonna kill him. Are you saying that maybe, possibly,

they're a cult? That's exactly what I'm saying, I think they're a cult. Oh, no, I have a phobia of that. We gotta get down there. We gotta get down there. Ah! You're stabbing!

No! No, no, no, no. It's definitely not a cold. It's definitely not, that someone just... No, it's all right here. See, if somebody having set. You hear the sliding of wood as you hear the thrashing of water from the thing

as the chanting, it's louder and louder as there is a sickening, a pop and a crunched, and then a splash. We gotta get out of him right now. You gotta go save that guy. No, no, no. There's no reason to go in there. Crumby's totally right.

Not that it's a cult, because it's not a cult. They can't possibly have magic. But these people having sex, we should just get out of here. It's a cult, I swear, I saw it. We gotta get down there. Look, you know, I wanna save that guy as much as the next fella, right? And, you know, that's sort of my whole thing, is like protecting people and saving people.

You, you cut down there right now, you help me save that man. Oh, you hear a horrible guttural voice moving out that sounds like the worst thing you've ever heard. I mean, everyone was insane. Orange dark voice. That keeps up. That keeps happening. It's totally secured. Because I don't look.

Is that box? Give me that. Throw it away. I hate it. I hate it. You look at it and it falls off the shelf and explodes. It sounds just like the cultists. Nine.

Oh, oh. Ten. One, two, three, four. Dirty 20. Nice. Okay. I haven't rolled yet because all my dice fell off the floor. Yeah.

Those who fail, you feel you are filled with tremendous dread. As you suddenly, yeah. Yeah. You hear in the back of your mind. As you feel so filled with dread, you need to get as far away as you possibly can. What was the save? That was wisdom.

Yeah, but you said those who failed. Oh, when you roll. I got 14. 14. That was enough. Perfect. You're right, bitchie. We gotta save that.

When you saw it? Oh! Oh! It's a turn. No, wait. I can't. I can. Oh, look, Wednesday.

You guys got fun on them peaches. You get back here right now. I know. I book it. I'm right behind, grungling. I'm right behind. behind Gromley. Well, I think

they went that way. That guy clearly just got his, so we should probably go. You'd think they never heard Eldridge Gibran missing. God damn. The can of worms that that opens. All right, well, I guess that guy's going to die, I guess.

Let's just make it way back up, I guess. All right, well, let's go then. You first. Both of you make a perception check. Natural 20 plus whatever my perception is. Six. Six, you don't hear this Bitsy, but... A 24. Oh, 24.

As you hear the chanting, there is something that you notice. It's a voice that sounds familiar in this group of voices joining in with this horrible, dark, guttural gibbering. As it kind of sounds like, As well with that, it reminds you of the Hollywood big shot, Farrett Wizo, director Ferret Rizzo as the chanting continues as you leave the darkness. Oh my God. I will put my arm around Bitsy. Biffy, I know that you're not as familiar with the ways of the body and these kinds of sounds.

You might think that they mean what this Eldridge when you're talking about, that you see when a man loves a woman and I'll start kind of like explaining things and I'll put my arm around her as we start to walk away and then I'll go, wait a minute, is that the voice of that fuck who was sniffing my feet?

Fair Weezo, I think you're right. I think they're all cults back there. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. It's not a sex thing. Oh, no, it most definitely is but I don't think it's a good kind of sex thing. You go back up into the green room and as soon as you guys emerge

into the green room away from the hearing the voices that clutters. Actually, I need to group stealth check for me, for all of you. When we start turning up dead one by one, over the next, like, six months. Cottage, Core, Noir. You're all going to know what happened to us. It's so weird. I don't remember ever going for a jog before, and now I've gotten a harder time. I've rolled a 20th six.

Oh. Jesus Christ. Just so you know, guys, no, I'm gonna go on record saying this now. When I'm inevitably found underneath of 600 pound bench press, I've never tried to lift that weight in my entire life. I've never gone for a run a day in my life. I know ego lift, so when I'm guillotined by my own weight lift setup, you'll know something's fishy.

Uh, 27. Okay. Oh, 17. 17. 17. Oh, 23. A one. Uh-oh. Are we all together now?

Well, you would have, so as you're heading back, you get into the dark and green room. Oh, shit. As you emerge, as you are panicking, you're panting. You start to feel the fear dissipate a little bit now that it's behind you. What do you all do? Are you continuing to sprint through

or do you wait for your two friends that are down below there with the cult? I would probably not be sprinting at this point, but I'm doing one of those like, you know, We gotta keep looking at ground. I was gonna ask you what you do. I didn't really expect me. I don't know why I didn't expect that.

Oh God, what about the others? Leave my own. I think bitch it went back. I mean, I feel inclined to make sure they're okay, but I'm very east of the impression. As much as I want to save Bitsy, I say, I say, I only met her but three minutes ago, three hours ago, you know. I find a dark sex code.

I can find out of night here. St. Vincent. We're only met it like a week or two ago, but I mean, I've been hanging out with Peggy a long time.

Well, that's fine. I mean, I still suggest we run in the opposite direction of that. She invented magic, Rod, in the whole universe. She's going to be okay.

Well, she can do with that. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go away. Where are you heading? I don't know if we would even be able to get,

like, in my mind. A maze kind of thing, right? The sea. like the passageways, the bowels of the river road. Good luck. Do you the map? Oh, the map! I'm the map!

Hold on. The floor plan, that's right. The blueprints. You know what, hold on. I'm gonna see if I... Make a map a cartographer tools, chat. Dude. I'll count this roll as my cartographer.

I roll the one. Yeah, a one. I'm looking at it upside down. Aren't he supposed to have like a you are here on it somewhere? You don't get it. Oh, okay, well. The photographer tools, Jack. What ability intelligence?

Intelligence. I say, can I use charisma? Nine. You get lost in the bowels of the other. Peggy. Go to go. Oh, no. I say, Grumley, it's this way.

You follow Jean-Claude very confidently. He's very wrong. Damn. That's a classic. Peggy, Bitsy, you arrive at the dark and green room, and your friends are nowhere to be seen. Oh, would we go to the green room? Well, that was the only, that was how you got down into the...

You're leading me. You're just telling me about the bird of the bees. I'm thinking we would have turned back once realizing that Ferretweezzo is in there. Oh. If we can. Oh. Oh. Oh.

I'm into it. I mean, we can't stop them. I think you're right, and they're gone. Our friends are gone. It's just you and me, all right? Now catch up any second, there. I'll sit the right behind us. I would never say this with him here,

but Grumley's breathing is quite loud, and it's hard to be invisible, but I can still hear it in my mind. And he keeps bringing out ice trays and cracking them at awkward times, and the microwave goes off, It's all loud and shit. It's crazy. How does he do that? But he doesn't even have a microwave or ice trays.

It's remarkable. It is, but it's just you and me. Okay. If there's anyone that can figure out what's going on with this filthy sex cult. The two of us and Booker, but we don't have Booker, so it's the two of us. We got it. I'm going to look around. Is there any fabric or something that I could use to disguise myself in a cloak or something along those lines? I'm already wearing my regular outfit covered by a turtlene.

So I'm looking for a third outfit to cover that with. There is no cloths around, but there is, the wooden stairs are carpeted. You think we can turn these carpets into like cloak like things real quick and then they won't even know it's us? Do you think we could turn these carpets into cloak like things? Look at me! I've got stars I've sewn all over my outfit because I'm made a magic.

I got, I got a thread needle. That's perfect. Let's make out. Wait, what are we making out of these carpets again? We're making, like, cultisty rows. Out of these carpets? Yeah, hold on, I'll get one up. I attempt to pull the carpet off the,

oh, it's just, it's just. Okay, stand there. That'll buff out. Okay, okay. Stand still. I poke you with a needle. Shut up, I can't pin this on you if you keep bleeding on me.

Are you gonna pin it into me? How else I'm gonna hold it up? Well, okay. I sew the carpet not to her but to the outfit she's already wearing it. It looks horrible. She's three points of piercing damage. It looks nothing like, but you know, it works.

She looks like she's wearing a robe now instead of. More like a creepy wizard's robe than anything else. Alright. Who are you? Not here. That's perfect. And then for me, what I can be is I can be an idiot sidekick. And it's going to be hard for me to play, because I'm so smart. But I think I can do it. My blood pressure just dropped. I'm sorry, why?

They make it confidence you can see me drop. I think it's the blood. Uh, 19. Okay. You do not pass out. You see stars for a little bit. No, I'm kidding. All right. All right. You're excited.

Get on it. Because of the board. Let's hurry. Let's hurry. All right. I'll follow you. There was that poeke name. The steamer.

I start to race down taking the path that we know, the return path. Biffie. We got have fake names. Okay. You wait back on the stairs. You go back to the stairs. You go back down and you keep going back at the top of the stairs.

This is your thing, right? Like you gave, you gave, you, you called grumly grums or whatever all the time. I didn't think that was a fake name. I thought that was his real name until someone said grumly around him. People don't use each other's names. Okay. Yes, sure. What's my fake name? Peggy. That's really good, Bitsy. We should try again, though, I think. All right. Gippy.

You want my name to be Gepie? That's the first thing that came to mind. Okay, well, what's your name then? Oh, no, I got it, Bertha. Because it's kind of like Bitsy, but not. Yeah? Yeah, I was going to go with Stibby, but I think... Bertha's not...

It's short for Bertholomew. I love it. Perfect. So, Bartholomew, Bertha, and... What was my name again? Stibby? Yeah, that's exactly what you. All right, Stibby, let's go!

So Stevie and Bertha are gonna make their way down to the... Okay. You make your way. I mean, who's in the lead? I'm in the lead. I'm roll a D2 for me. A D2? Jesus, fuck, Derek.

I get a two. A one. A D2? It says two at the top here. You could do evens at odds. That's a D2, it's a one. Well, one and two can be one and two. Is it a one or?

It's a two. It's a two. All right, all right. This very mangled squirrel will be two. I got a one. I was saying for mangled squirrel. Look at this mangled squirrel. It's a fire blossom.

You make your way down. And you kind of notice it's gotten, you're really quiet. As you turn down and you see the room out ahead of you and both of you are absolutely stunned and what you see. You see several bench chairs along one side of the room and a long, smooth, polished planks of wood stretching all the way across the other side of the room as you see lined up several rows of white wooden pins as you realize that you walked into a dutch, Buck-pin bowling, Alley.

Oh, wow. You're right. This is awful. Duck-pink bowling. Eldritora. That's crazy. Unlike anything I've ever seen before. I feel like people named Derek are really good at that for some reason. And you realize that

that on one of the tables of this, there is a plate of mysterious uh mysterious food items from as far as you can see and Peggy you realize now that you've only heard the sounds that you thought you heard

you never saw a room you never saw cultists you never saw a statue no it's true you have no way to know that Bitsy didn't just see a duck in bowling alley in the bowels of this you're sowing distrust

this night. This is not good. Now, to be fair, Bertha, there is something horrific about duck pin bowling. Quite a few things, in fact. But this looks like something that most people

in their middle ages would do on a Friday night. I swear, this is where it all went down. He was dark. And now that I'm thinking about it with clarity, those, I heard that disgusting Hollywood guy, I heard him. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he did. Yeah. But the last time I saw him, he was throwing tapioca pudding at my photorealistic feet in the middle of a strip club. That was tapioca pudding? I sure hope it was. It was quite warm now that I think about it. Regardless, so that, in itself, does not denote cultists.

But they were in robes, and there was a statue, and there was all kinds of dark light. Do you see what I'm wearing right now? This is a robe. I unclasp it and it falls to the ground. And now I am naked. Do you know what people do when they're naked, Fidzzi? Well, sometimes.

I pull the robe back on in class bed. I stand by my original point. There was just sex in here. Sniff, tell me what you smell. What do I smell? Make a reception check. I'm going to go with a 19. 19.

You smell dust. You smell a little bit of mildew. And you smell the plate of deviled eggs that is sitting. on the table on one of the bowling lines. Deviled fish eggs. I smell, I smell them deviled fish eggs over there. So you smell eggs? Uh-huh. I rest my case. I'm not a lawyer, but.

Booker. Yes. What do you play it on the piano? Yeah, I mean, as long as people are feeding me drinks, I'm gonna keep performing, right? And I'm happy to do that. do that and I'm playing more furry Joel originals. Like for one that goes,

horny is such a bony word. Everyone is so balls blue. Horny is hardly ever cured. And mostly I need lube to cooom. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, yes, I'll take another moment. If you're serving it up, please, please, please. That same foxy cocktail waitress comes back.

And she kind of flicks her tail, she says. Yeah, that happens to me all the time. She kind of like rubs your arm. Oh, well, yeah. Tell me what you're doing later. Maybe I can help each other out with that here. Thanks for another drink, sweetheart. Make a persuasion check.

Derek, can I borrow some dice? Thank you. Pursuasion check. Thank you. You get the weird dice. That's gonna be a 27. 27 with my plus 9. I get off at 4.

AM, a PM. What time is it? What day is it? I don't even know. What time is it now? I'm still playing. I'm like vamping. Well, he is my room key.

Okay. Yeah, I've had a lot to drink. I've had a lot to drink. You've seen double here. Don't show it to anybody, okay? Don't show anybody your room key. What? Okay, fine. What, that's weird?

It's a weird thing to say. No, you need to promise me. You're not going to show my room key to anybody. Yeah, promise whatever you want, sweetheart. Sure. Slinking in my back pocket there. Come on. Oh, careful.

She puts it in as you're playing, and she gives you a wink, and the tail flicks. Oh, oh, hot stuff. I just keep playing, I keep singing songs, as long as people are enjoying themselves and having a good time and nobody's kicking me off the piano, I'm gonna keep going. Okay. Keep the party going.

Yeah, you got it, you got it. She kind of stands there waiting a little bit as she gives you the key. I don't have any money for a tip, can I do. I'll give you a tip later, you know what I mean. Booker's very drunk. She leaves. She leaves.

Poor waitress. She leaves. Take a home of the trick to see how you're doing. Sure. 15, not bad. 15. 15. These aren't even dice.

You grab the top one. He just gave you a box of Lego. This is a D-20. Thank you. No, that is not. Thank you. Oh, there's another pen in here. This is plenty. I appreciate a maze.

Yeah. He never tries Derek to help you. You didn't give me any dice when I told you I needed some. You took half of the set and then he gave it back. Oh yeah, that's fair. That's right. I'm trying to see if... Here, let me just look quickly.

Is it safe to play? It's royalty-free... Royalty-free Billy Joel-esque. Hold on, hold on. Just because it's royalty free doesn't mean it's copyright free. Yeah. Hold on the internet and tell you think we just go on the internet and tell you lies. Yeah, why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense. It is, so you keep playing.

And you do pretty good job. People are really excited. It's the late night crowd. It is after midnight. Yeah, get them going. Keeping them going, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you're very drunk. The, every single waitress that comes by, it might be like a new one many times. You need to tell them that you don't have money for a tip. If you go to Epidemic Sound and search like Billy Jol, you might find something you could play. Mm. Pond five. Pond five. Pond five.

John Claw and Grumley. You've been wandering for ten minutes. As you find storage closets, you find a boat room with small rowboats. You find what looks like an old abandoned kitchen. You keep trying to find your way out, but there's no stairs up. What do you do? I say, I say I don't know why we fell a bits into that room. We should have just gone to the room.

We had a plan. Well, are we supposed to be on a heist? Well, of a sort. I mean, we had a plan to do a thing. We just had to go to the room, and I could have just written it all up. And instead we came across some horrible things. cultists doing some weird stuff. Oh no, they

killed that guy. And maybe it's it. Oh, and Peggy. Yeah, we should be more upset about the old Alton John experience. Whoever that was. He was fine. It's a fine act. I mean, if he's willing

to sacrifice a performing artist who's just mimicking another artist, just for getting his crocodile alligator situation wrong. I say, I say, what would he do if he found us out? I was hoping he would play arms still clamming. But he didn't. That one's more favorite. You're saying he deserved it. No. I'm not saying he deserved it. It should have been obvious to play that one. If he had played armstill clamming

instead of crocodile, the equivalent of rock. Similar but legally distinct. Crocodile mudroth. And maybe he wouldn't have offended Mr. Ladoot. Well, I suppose you could make the argument that it was all on him. I mean, it's a silly choice, really. And why even risk it if you know who owns that choice?

Considering the purveyor of this establishment, I mean, it was a foolish decision. Well, I mean, do we think maybe because they're all cultus and maybe they're still killing that guy, maybe they're all distracted and we try to find like the vault or the room where they keep all the money. If that's a thing. I mean, I don't know if that's a thing. But if you could look at the map, maybe it says right there. Yeah, I mean, we can refer it right back to it.

I mean, we're not having any better luck. I just trying to have to get through here. found a defunct kitchen. Is there anything in the kitchen? I do a quick check. You found the defunct kitchen? It is defunct. It looks like in all of the stores are very long-term preserved. So it had been like things like dry goods and like cans of things that could be, this looks like it's been kind of repurposed into a secondary storage room. Pickled Shishito Peppers. You tell me what you're looking for and I'll tell you. Well, like a fully made Scooby-D sandwich.

Oh, we could make comedically tall Dagwood sandwiches. That's exactly right. I'm gonna hungry. I mean, I wouldn't mind. I'm gonna take me a second to understand this match. Well, you're gonna open the fridge, so. Oh, hold on, no, no, you look at the map and I'll make his dagwood sandwiches.

Well, I think that's a fine idea, grumming. You open the fridge, and despite nothing else being in this kitchen, there is perfect, there's several loaves of bread, several things of meat stuff, slice meat stuff, several things of cheese, and mustard. Oh, they got all the stuff right here. No, it's just perfect. Oh, and olives and toothpaste. Oh, do you want mustard or mayonnaise? Oh, I have to say, I mean, mayonnaise is my preference.

So that means no mustard? Well, you can do them both of it. Oh, they're both. No, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. I get all this stuff out and I make two comically large Dagwood sandwich. Why choose it's on Lidoo? I'll do two olives. They're like little large. You enjoy commonly large Dagwood sandwiches.

Bitsy and Peggy. You... Oh! You know, that was really good eggs. Wow. You know, I take a bite of one of the eggs. You know, you know, You know, this has been a lot more fun.

And I think, like this, and I'll attempt to, I don't know how to play tenton bowling. It's just bowling, but with a tinier ball. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I would love that. It's way more than really like. The ball's like this big.

Okay, okay. So I'm gonna try it like this. So I pick this up and then I just aim for like the middle. Yeah, you just hit that one in the front and the other one fall over because you hit the one in the front. Okay, all right, all right. Just keep your voice down.

I'm gonna use magic to do this, all right? Right. And then I sail it on through with a 19 plus something. What did you say? Athletics. Oh God, I'm not strong. A 19. A 19.

You knocked down nine of the pins. All, only one remains. Oh. That was amazing. Well done. This is a lot of fun. Why do people give you specifically shit about this? Will you teach me magic one day?

No. But I'm really happy. You taught me how to play 10 pin bowling. Are you sure you should be eating them eggs? Oh, you're right. I didn't think about it. I just grabbed it instead of putting it in my mouth. I swear someone got murdered and sacrificed tonight here like 12 minutes ago.

I don't, I, look, I'm not sure that happened. And truthfully, even if it did, I mean, there's no blood. There's no more screaming. Oh. All I hear on the sounds of the wind rushing through the willows. Are you sure? I'll listen again. Nothing.

Yeah. Just quiet. So we might? Did you hear that? I think so. Okay, hold on. Nothing that time at all. Yeah, no, I couldn't hear anything either.

So I guess we could just play some more 10-pin bowling eventually. Oh, I'm being sacrificed a night of you now. You swear what? I swear I heard someone say I'm being sacrificed tonight here. Okay, you know what? You know what? We'll figure this up once in a while, okay? Okay.

Okay. Is tonight here? Here? You feel better now? I feel much better. My turn. Steer! Oh, good.

Oh, that animation's weird. It's supposed to be keeping score around this. I'm gonna take one more time. I'll take one more. Right, right here, you just have to, and then it's on the big screen. All right, well here I go! And then we're just gonna keep like Denvin bowling.

The animation, uh, is a group of hooded bowling ball. Jesus. Sacrificing a bowling pin. The bins strapped across. That's weird. I was stabbing the pin over over. Oh, that's a lot of blood. Good Lord. Who animates these?

Awesome. I didn't even know pins complete. I've got a sick fuck. We know we were gonna do it. That's a nightmare. Oh. Oh, my chest. As you play, how many double legs do you eat, Peggy? Oh, like seven?

Seven, can me get constantly? Same thing. My neck hurts. My neck hurts. This one. I don't blame you. Four. The drugs hit you.

Yeah. And it is really good. It's like the good stuff. And so you are absolutely in the zone, and you just feel the however Peggy would process of really, really great high from very high quality, expensive rich person drugs. Oh, geez.

Oh, okay. The plot thickens. Yeah. So, I mean, all of the, saying is huh oh oh look at that look at all those little mice in the carpet what that's cute about are they your family what mice in the carpet are you talking about you're not answering me which I say what are you talking about you voice I don't know what you mean my voice

it's your turn right you have to go up It's your turn to bowl. It's your turn to bowl, Skippy. Skiy. Answer me, Skippy. Just take the ball. The pins are all set up for you. Yeah, I'll take the ball.

Hand it to me. Wow, I can see the universe in your eyeballs. I've got the universe in my eyeballs? My name's Skibby. That's what I did see. said. There are mice in the carpet. My name's Bertha.

Yeah. Oh, wow, this feels furry. That doesn't sound right at all. Oh. I don't think you should have any more than eggs. Give me another one of those eggs. Okay. Cheers.

There you go. Oh, good. Hi. I mean, I was thinking about it. Oh, that would be awful. There were a lot of people killed by those. cultists here. Oh my god, the cultists are real. And then I'm going to sit there and just talk to the egg for like five minutes. That's what I've been saying. I'm going to start looking around. Bixie, can you shut up? I'm talking to this egg.

While she's talking to the egg, I am going to see if I can find any more evidence of cultists or of blood or of a voice. Meanwhile, all the animations in the background, all the screens in the background are different sacrificial sides. We didn't do it, but if we did, here's how we did. Jesus. Oh, my God. This is one hell of a lot. You finished the last. Booker.

Yeah. You see that a jazz quartet is arriving and getting their instruments out, seemingly getting ready for the next set. I guess I got to start winding it down. Yeah, no. just take my drink and now walk on over to the normal booker be normal nobody can tell you drunk uh-huh walking over the court i wound i'm up for you boys good luck great crowd great crowd crowd crowd good luck yeah well good to see you alton you're looking a little different

that i remember that's furry joel is very joan i don't do it like a fucking owl to you yeah well you know i'm a raccoon you never know you never know it's an otter he has a big uh A big standing base case. Okay. Be careful about mentioning certain fresh watered, salt water creatures around here. Just word of advice. Like what? Fresh, you figure it out.

Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. You okay, man? Never about it. Have a good night. Did you hear about that? Yep.

Feeling good. What was your name, furry? Furry Joe. Is it Joel or is it furry? What? Is it furry or is it? The first name. The first name is furry. Why? Why do you ask?

Now, you know, nothing. Nothing. Okay. All right. Am I free to go? Are you... Oh, no. I'm just hating me? I'm just making conversation. Yeah, no. The boys are setting up. I don't know. We got to do much, yeah. Okay. All right. Am I free to go?

Free to go? I mean, it's a free for. That's what I was gonna say. I thought this was the dim wood. This is a freak. Well, I mean, technically, you know, technically our clearings ruled by a totalitarian, oppressive burden aristocracy. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go. All right. It's a pleasure talking to you. I'm gonna walk off.

I'm gonna stumble up. I'm gonna find a seat somewhere. or maybe even at like a blackjack table or something. There's a blackjack table. You can quit with a blackjack. And you see a porcupine dealer as he is dressed in a vest, very sharply dressed. You see the staff here are very much,

like this is the Luxo Casino in the clearing as he deals you in. Yeah, I would use the tips that I made to just play a little bit here. Not like aggressively, just to pass the time. I'm a little worried about where my friends but I'm not like panicking. I'm just like, they'll show up when they show up,

they do this, right? And when I sit down, I remember the key in my back pocket. Oh, yeah. And I try to like sneak a glimpse at the key under the table while they're dealing me in and I'm just making small talk and that's gonna be good night. Good, me good. You pull out the key and you notice that it is,

when you touch it, it feels a little dance. Damn. And you pull it out and you realize it's made out of this, sort of like this oily, slimy stone. It's not a metal key. As you see the room number 66 is carved into it. As you see that, it made a reception check for me. Nice. 27. 27. Yeah. You see that... Silver like a fox. in the six, it's very clearly says 66, and as you look into it, you see that there's very subtle carvings that almost look like it's the body of a fish

that's carved into this key. Oh, very, on theme of establishment. Wonderful theming, a through line, I see it. I see the through line in the marketing. Okay. Okay, and I'm gonna keep my eye on the time and wait to see when it's starting to get closer to four. Okay.

To maybe make a rendezvous. Yeah, the clock is very well hidden. You have to basically go down through several hallways to, yeah, to know to find the time. I keep my eye on the time, the best I can, talking to the people, and then when it is roughly getting to be near the end of the evening, I will make my way, try to find this room,

make them find my room 66. There's probably another like hour and a half. Yeah, no rush. As the dealer is dealing you in, he says, you know, I was really hoping you'd play Uptown Squirrel. I didn't play that one, you're drunk? I played it, as you drunk, I play that one. I just got on shift.

I may have missed it. Oh, I shouldn't, I shouldn't call you drunk. That was rude. I'd take you back. I apologize. Here, here, there's a little extra something for you. Keep doing good. Keep doing good.

Thanks for the tip. Thank you. You're welcome. Someone comes and brings you a drink. Thanks, dudes. Nice, I get rid of. Thank you. Thanks.

She looks to you and smiles. Baby doll. What? You want a tip? Here's a tip. Go get a haircut. She glows at you and walks and struts away. As you continue to play Blackjack.

Actually, make me two performance checks. Sure. Oh, first one is a 21. Okay. Nice. The second one is a 21 double 14s. Okay. That's the blackjack.

You got, from the tips over the course of the night, you got 42 gold pieces. Damn. As in tips. Good number. They're all in chips, obviously. But you are able to utilize them. And we'll see how well you do.

If only is, get out my dad. Booker is playing blackjack. Peggy and Bitsy are playing bowling. John Claude and Grumley. You are shouting. I had a really good spot. Better than that big sloppy daddy. I'll say you made one heck of a mean sandwich.

Thank you, John Cloud. I mean, the way you stack those meats and the cheese. Oh, yeah. Sort of, you know, in the two olives, it looks sort of like a smiling needle guy. You look a little bit like a face. Yeah, that's right, exactly right. So, do you figure out where we're going to hoist? Oh, the best.

What are you for doing it sometimes? I saw I was enjoying this delicious service. I mean, just waiting for me to make the sandwich. I mean, I was just so excited. You could have. Well, let's. Well, I've been glancing at it. Let me see if I'm going in anything.

You know what? We can make a cartographer, tools, intelligence. I will assist, and we're using five twists. 15. Not bad. Hey, it's pretty good. You don't see anything that's labeled Secret Vault or Heist here. You don't see any kind of, you see that there are various storage rooms.

You do know that there are the rooms where they keep the chips and they process the money. that is on the first floor. That is behind that row of counters where that processing seems to go. Do I think that what I'm seeing on the map where the chips are, is that just the same room as where the counters are that you'd see from the floor? Or is there a room behind it in the walls?

And I would say that with that, you do find that there does seem to be a shaft system to go up to the top part of the riverboat, which you presume to be Mr. Ladeau's private quarters to perhaps exchange the money up and down. Well, I say, I dare say, Gromley, I think I've found maybe something we can take a look at together. Oh, you found a vault?

Well, not exactly. I thought there'd be something on here that would say Ocean's 11 here. But in fact, what I found is the chip changing room, right off the main hallway where the employees handle the chips and trade them out for money, clams, as you will. So chips are money? Chips are like a representation of money as you play at the table.

Oh, so they keep the money there? Let's hope. Oh. Oh, so there's enough. So we know the chips will be there, but not necessarily the money, the clams. Well, not necessarily the money, but I say we go take a look at it. I mean, it's possible that they're what they're doing over there is that they have to be able to pay people out at the window. You see, if you win big on the floor, they take the chips and they have to have a reserve of clams.

Like a giant pile of 30,000 clams. Just laying there. Like a giant pile of 30,000 clams. Oh, that's a great idea. Well, I don't even have to, I don't have to deceive Mr. Ladoot, too. his face and potentially run the risk of getting sacrificed to some horrible creature of the river. All right, well, I guess if that's where you think is best, I'll follow by... Wait, hold on. Before we do that, it's a good plan, it's a good plan, but let's look again.

And look to see if there's any rooms labeled anything muck-related, or vaguely shellfish-esque. Well, okay, well, let's see here. There's a legend, and some of it points to maybe muck. Because Booker's always saying where there's muck, there's clams, is what the other say. So maybe... Over behind your head, you hear, like, a little Booker had a pears and it's like a... That's a clam.

That's clam. Claim. See? It's clam. It's clam. A tiny booker does appear on your shoulder. Oh, hey, Booker. So, what do you think about this?

I have a look at the map. Little Booker, you don't see anything. You have no idea what he's doing. Little Booker looks up at the... Oh, I'm glad you here with me. Oh, I've missed you, Booker. What does Little Booker say? It would be a super high-pitched version of,

and he would be looking at me saying, Grumley, I'm so proud of you. You're my best friend. I'm so glad we've traveled the dim wood together. Oh, you're my friend. I couldn't imagine this journey with any one. one other than you. Oh, I feel the same way, although I hate to tell you that Bitsy and Peggy, you may be dead.

Oh, that's so unfortunate. They were my friends, too, too. But not as good a friend as you. Oh, you know, I didn't want to say that, because that's a very rude thing to say, but you're a better friend to meet him than the rest of them. Oh, Grumley, you're the best. Oh, well, what do you think about the map? I mean, that's why I put you down here.

You've had a chance to take a look at. What? The map. But I'm just a fragment of your imagination. I can read this just as well as you can. Oh, wait, are you telling me that that dog was in me all along? Well... And that I can read the map and figure this out, and I don't have to rely on John Claude?

Sort of. Mostly what I'm saying, though, is that I'm worried that we can't read. No! and Reed Re, read, Tiny Booker fades. Oh!

No, we can do this, Booker. We're going to do this! And I pick up the map, and I look, and I try to see anything that's like, shiftily named, that would be either shellfish-related

or muck-related. Make the a cartographer. for tools, check, intelligence at advantage. Oh boy. Because you're being helped by my best friend. Intelligence, you say. Oh, that's plus one.

I'm using five twists. 23. Let's go. Well done. You look, and you find something very suspicious, labeled in this schematic, is is a room that seems to be about the size of a small restaurant. And it's called the Muckshed and Raw Bar.

You're inculcing any sort of restaurant called that on the show. On the boat. Wait, Jean-Claude, look. Booker just found this. He did it. He did it. The muck, shed, and raw, Bond. Well, Grumley, I have to say,

I thought you were going a little crazy there for a second, but I think, I think you may have found something. He's so clever. You mean Booker? Yeah, he figured his map out all by himself. Wow, I can't believe, you know what? It's in that moment you realize just how quiet and alone you all are, you really are.

That sucks. I haven't seen any signage for a raw bar, have you? No, I have not. You're absolutely right. In fact, I've not seen a sign for any restaurant here. I think they just deliver everything to you. I would bet every clam I have that's where to keep the money. How many clams do you have?

I don't have any clams. But if I did... Cabelling, I think we go. I would bet them all. Let's go, let's go. Oh, well, all right, all right. Let's head to the muckshed and roll. Peggy and Bitsy.

I love this so much. We're making things so hard on, we go. Please stop flooding the party. Peggy and Bitsy. Yeah. Peggy is tripping balls. As you, as she gets better at bowling.

Oh, no, I'm not bowling. Oh. I'm talking to the egg. Oh. Perfect. The egg begins to talk back. The mouse. only lie.

I had a feeling that was the case, Egg. Did she bring me in here for nefarious reasons? She wants to steal my power, doesn't she? Only the nefarious exists in the heart of the dim wood. So wise, Egg. So wise. And I'll look to Bitsy. She pretends to be stupid.

But I think she knows a lot more than that. She knows a lot more than she's saying. She knows. She sees. She understands. I should kill her. Well, it's not being esteemed. That's a little extreme.

Oh, my God. That's fair, Egg. That's fair. I have an existential dread question for you, Egg. As I see, you're currently rotting in my hand. It's not. Um, am I, am I dead? No, but you will be.

How long do I have, would you say? Ten years? You know, all perish, all decays. All is reborn in the spring. Oh, so I should not kill Bitsy. Her time will come. But I should kill my son. and is sending to lichdom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the fuck are you talking about? No, I was just thinking, like, I mean, do you have time and I'll go sit over on the couch and I'll hold the egg up. Bitch, you're crazy. I know, seriously, I, you know, I'm so glad you're here, eggs, because I felt like...

You know what they say? You can either be good in bed or good at bowling. Oh, I'm terrible at bowling. Actually, that's not completely true. I got nine out of ten. I have a ten. I've spoken my wisdom, I perish. As you see the egg experience the full life cycle,

birth, reproduction, death, decay, and renewal in the span years and years of the cycle of life and death in a mere seconds before it, it, It turns into just a devil-degg again. And I watch all of this, and then I look to Bitsy, who's skeleton, she's not Bitsy anymore. She's just a skeleton staring at me for a second. It's not even a mouse skeleton.

It's a spooky, scary human skeleton. Exactly. Part of the body. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I look back at the egg, and then I look back at Bitsy, who is now Bitsy again. We have friends, right? It's supposed to be Bertha.

You're right, Bertha. We're friends, right? Yeah, I think so. We've been traveling the dim one for so long, and we're close, and we know everything about each other, and we play games like PIN, whatever the fuck this is. Have you ever yearned for the sweet ball of death? What? People wanted to die. Oh, why would I want that? I like living. That's great. Are you a liar?

No. Huh. What if I told you my egg friend here says otherwise? Well, I... You can talk to eggs? Obviously. Why would the eggs say that? Hey, egg, I'm not a liar. I never told no lies.

You know what? These, these... these... Glizer's like, do you know how it goes? My friend doesn't believe what you're saying. Well, I don't understand. How can I, how can I prove my honesty? I don't know, Bitsy. How can you?

Well, I spent the last five minutes looking around here for like cult stuff and whatever, and I was hoping to get like... We've already tried. Hello, is there anyone here who's being murdered by a creepy cult tonight here? Time for sure, I'm afraid. Yeah, but they didn't say. Was that a yes or no? They seem uncertain.

I try to listen for where that might be coming from. Maybe we're saying to check it as a man. What the fuck? It is coming from deep into the bowling pins. The darkness, the void beyond. It's very clearly coming from there. I think we have to go up the lane. We have to go past, past the...

No, no. And into the back area. Don't do it. Oh, God. Oh, God. You want us to go in the back room? Behind the pins, that's where the voice is coming from. I swear, that's why I heard the voice. Eggman, doesn't you rely on? I'll prove it to you.

I'll go. And when I bring back a bunch of dead cultists! No, no. No, no. No, I'll come with you. If I don't trust you're going back there for good reasons. What if you're one of them? What if there is a cult?

I don't... I don't... I'm trying to, to be honest with you. The only cult I saw was the night here, I swear. I want you to eat Eggman. You want me to eat Eggman? I want you to eat Eggman. And then you'll trust me?

I'll be closer to it. If Eggman's the enemy and he's lying about you, then eat him. I'm sorry, Mr. Eggman. Sonny, the hedgehog is a bitch-ass motherfucker. I'm so sorry. Wow. You know what? I don't really care if Eggman was right about you or not, Bidsey.

That was ruthless. Let's go behind those pins and see what we can find. All right. Oh, by the way, I'm dead. I might be soon too. Make a constitution saving throw, Bidsey. We're twisting five times. Oh, up or down?

Then I get 25. Wow. This is weak shit. ship. I'll leave the way. Watch out. Laying slippery. What are you doing? I'm walking on the laxed. Oh, was it actually like that? Yeah, it's very slippery, yeah.

And I start to make my way towards the back area where the pins would be set up. You do that and both of you see the darkness the pins and you knock the pins aside and you venture into the darkness. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Aventress and gain access to tons of exclusive perks including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas shroud over salt marsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published

supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Jean-Claude, Grumly, you have found the muckshed and raw bar. You know where it is and you actually feel like you might be able to find a way through the secret passages there. What do we do next? Well, I think this is it right in front of us. I think we get through this secret passage.

We get into the raw bar, and we see what it holds. I mean, it could be the clams right behind here. Nothing's really gone all the way this evening, nothing, nothing. It's all been, well, something about the thing here and there, and those sandwiches are pretty good. I mean, you really stack the deck as it were. You don't have to compliment me right now, But I'll take it.

I mean, I hope. My T.L. starts wagging. I don't know. I mean, you know, it's not my first sandwich stuff, mate. You know. Is there a secret? Is the, like, a hallway that we can look at? Oh, you would have to go through the network of tunnels,

and you would have to take a lift that you're not sure if it could fit both of you. We're not, like, in front of the raw. No, no, no, no. Oh, oh, I thought we, okay, okay. Yeah. You hold the map. it all lead the way.

Well, that works for me, and I think once we get there, I think we might be able to solve this whole thing. I will put my nose to the ground, and I will pretend like I'm leading the way through my nose, but really it's just

Sean Claude pointing. Right, right, up, down. And we go to the raw bar. Okay. You make your way through the underbelly of the hungry catfish. And it's a little bit eerie that you occasionally hear footsteps as you make your way through, but you never see anyone.

As you finally arrive at a strange lift, and there's a pulley system, and you can barely fit and squeeze and get squeezed side by side. Sorry, sorry. Probably takes up most of it of the space. And you close the grate and you close the door. And there is a lever and you pull the lever. You know, across the five of us, in terms of mass, we're probably like 80% of it.

So, you know, the fact that we're the ones in the B plot. It's kind of ironic. And that's true. As you hear, as the lift jolt and you begin to rise up, Booker. Yeah. You see that. cocktail waitress. As the...

Tell me this time. You've been playing blackjack and you're a little up. You're doing really well. You play real great when you're drunk. And you see as the, from across the from across

the casino that that Foxy cocktail waitress it's 4 a.m. And she kind of gives you a wink and then turns around and walks up the stairs towards the various on the second level well thank you ladies gentlemen you're wonderful you my friend you've been great i gotta go i gotta go good night uh yeah can't wait till you play here again two trips to the foxhole and one day i'm not a thing

hopefully i don't miss uptown squirrel again And I'm funny. I have depression. Anyway. All right. Now, one for the road. And I will stumble. I'll take it and I will,

no, without even, I stumble away. I start to stumble away. Key in hand. In my left hand, drink in my right hand, as I begin to stumble towards where I believe the rooms are. And perhaps room 66. Make an intelligence check a disadvantage. As you get your way to the, you go down and you find room 33,

that's not right, and so you can find it. My high was 17, my low was a 9, which gives me a 12. 12, okay. 99. Yeah, 66. Be careful, Booker. Six and six out up to 13. That?

I'm... That's weird. I just sick the same third. You make your way and you see down... As you hit a dead end, you see, you hear these footsteps of heels on a wooden floor. As you look down towards the end and you see a bright red tail swoosh past

and walk further away. Back towards the way that you came. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What was that? And you follow and your cocktail waitress is not there. As you make your way and you stumble through the various levels and rooms of the hotel portion of this casino, as you eventually find yourself in a dark part of the casino.

You haven't seen, you're walking down hallways with no rooms at all. And it still has that hotel carpet, but you do not see anything until you see a... Until you see a singular door at the end of the hallway. And it has a dark oaken door with a dark keyhole. And it seems very far away.

very close at the same time. That's gotta be it, huh? Hey, are you there? Pretty lady. Are you there? Where are you? I'm coming. Here I come. Right to room 66. I'll continue to saunter down the hall, try to get closer to this door, to see if I can find a, you know, a number plate on it.

You do. And you see the arms. you see the on the plate, it says very clearly carving the exact same way, 66. Yeah, well, and we go, right on dive. Let me see if I can get this right here, and there, oh, tight fit. Here we go, and I'll try to turn the key

and let myself in. Coming in. The light turns green. Coming in, or me. I'm knocking on. If the door will open, I will knock as I'm like going in. You open the door and you knock as you open as you hear it ding as the lift slides open

as as. No, no. As Peggy and Bitsy. you stumble through around the machinery and climb and climb as eventually suddenly the floor gives out from underneath you. As you plummet into a room and suddenly all five of you are together. What looks like a very quaint clam seafood restaurant and raw bar. As you see that there's flickering candlelight. as you smell the rich, fatty seafood,

as you stumble upon this scene, all of you look at each other, as you all stumble out of the various places that you've been, as you see that at the very far end, there's only about a dozen tables in this place, a small doorway that goes to the back, as you see at the, there's a corner table. a candle at the center of it.

You see an otter. He is old. He is overweight. He is leaning forward as he is pushing some noodles around. As you see, there's all a variety of clam dishes all over this table, a large basket of bread and butter. As he is... As I'm entering this area before I've laid eyes on my friends

and what's happened before me, I'm stumbling in and I say, alright, baby, I'm here. Sorry about that dippin thing earlier. I just realized I got a bad shot and I wasn't raised right. What the fuck is all of this? Hi. Oh, my, Buker. Yeah, yeah.

They're crammed on the left. You would fall on the floor in front of Booker. Oh my God, you guys, you didn't die. Oh my God, Bitsy there, the cultists. Oh my god, they're the cultists. What are you talking about cultists for? We were ex- Wait, wait, you guys been killing folks

and sacrificing them tonight? We should have known the moment Booker said something about Night Here, we should have known. No, I've been looking for a hot fox lady. She was right around the corner, she gave me a key. So you could sacrifice and kill her?

No, no, no, I was trying to, well, I'm not going to get into what I was trying to do, but the point is, this is an hotel room at all. How could you, Biss, Booker, whatever your name is? I don't know what they do here. The egg told me that Bitsy was a liar, and now I find out you guys are the cultists.

Now, we were with you when you saw the cultist killing people. We ran away because we had phobias of that. I'll say I got straight in the mind. Boy, you ran away so that your cultist friend, Booker, could kill us when we weren't looking. I've been playing the piano all night. I was gambling playing blackjack. I just came down here. I've been at the casino floor all night.

Who's this guy then? Oh, my gosh. There's a restaurant. What's that? What's going on? It's actually a raw ball. I can't believe it. And he's eating pasta. You see a waiter come out as out of the door in the back and he pour, he refills the wine glass of the old otter as he just gives him a nod and then the waiter disappears. Which one of you brought this guy?

Do you... has Booker ever met this guy? met this guy? You would know immediately. Ah, what, why? That this is Don Gino Gavagul, the Gavagall crime family, the leader of the Riverfoke Company, the Shell Company of their criminal enterprise. They take a few steps forward and I... It's very funny. ...squin at him and I take a few more step forward and I say, oh, no, it's a guy, it's the Don. What?

Da is the Don. He's the guy, he's the guy, the riverfoke. His name's Don, you know him? He's the Don. It's the title. Hey, Don, it's nice to meet you. He's a guy. He's a higher guy. Please don't cultist us.

It's a big boss, man. Is your name, Donovan? Why don't you ever think? I'm sorry that I am not as young and beautiful or shapely as Ruby. She's a good kid, though. She's a good kid. I'm sorry that she had the deceivian. such as this.

Oh, don't be. It's not... Please, please. Please, have a seat in my table and enjoy of my clams. Thank you. Enjoy of my offering. Oh.

That would be lovely. Awesome. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I can. I'm actually an egatarian, so... You love the clam man and God. The clan man of God? What?

I guess I heard. I didn't know about you. Clan man of God? I heard. I heard clan man of God. Sit down. Okay. Oh.

I'm trying to enjoy my forehand dinner. I sit. Your foreham dinner? No, he said forehead. My forehand dinner. Don't be rude. He clearly had a stroke. Leave the guy alone.

I'm sorry, Donovan. I didn't realize you had a stroke. Dan. I'm getting me. Donald. That is way too dark. Well, if you're in thought My doc says that's perhaps inevitable

And that if I am at risk of a throat I should avoid my orange garden You'll still pay you for Superman 1 and 2 You're going to be alright That's daring That's very funny That's very funny Bidsey has weird moments of clarity sometimes

You'll have to excuse her I'll take a seat and I'll sit up And I'll take the napkin And I'll stuff it into my three layers of clothing So that I keep everything nice I'm covered in blood This ridiculous ripped carpet It's been pinned to me

I got to ask Don Don Don Gobble Gould What are you doing now here? Well better yeah, what are we doing now here? Well, you were the one who made an honorable and worthy sacrifice to the great deep one. Night here. What? We didn't make any sacrifice. I knew you was a cultist.

Which one of you? Everyone who is rich and successful and famous in this woodland is a cultist. You don't know that? You're saying that everybody's just a cultist? So you mean like... How's that possible? You're like John Claude, Sean Declare's brother's occultist?

Well, I'm John Fook, Shanta Claire. What's the different? Well, brothers and he's a different one of me. But this is here my brother. Yeah, but I mean the rich and handsome and successful one, that one's a cult, that one's a cultist? You think that, you think that my accountant?

makes enough money to be considered successful by any reasonable person, much less his failure of a brother. Oh, I just saw him at the strip club, you know, surrounded by, what was his name? What was his name? Oh, my, I say my old buttergards, stasio and piss. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, piss and stashia.

Pee and pips. I'll say my old bodyguard is Tashio and Pills. John Claude, you say that weird, right? It's John Luke. Why do you say that weird? Like it's John Luke, Booker. You say piss weird. The name of the body god.

His name is peas. Tassio and Peas. His name is peas. Yeah, that's exactly right. Like the little peas. Why is he putting so much flair on it? It's like he sounds like his mouth doing a holocausts. It's peels.

and peas, the twins? Well, yeah, the back the route. The bodyguards provided to me, Jean-Luc. They're all so skinny, bleep, gosh, why are we doing this? I was just gonna ask, so I could just dig in, right?

I did just have a... You all have some wine? Daggeridge sandwich and a big sloppy daddy. I would love some wine. That'd be great, thank you. Okay. I certainly had not enough. So you're from...

Sorry, Donovan, I have to ask. Are you part of the aluminum? The Lali Lule Lo, the Vailed Council, the Obsidian Circle, the Silent Hands, the Shrouthered Order, the part of the conclave of Whispers. Well, if I told you that, I would have to kill you. Don't know, no, no, don't tell her that. No, no, no, we'd be fine. Wait, wait, wait, wait, right away or like later.

At my leisure, I'm a nani spry as I used to be. Okay. I used to be a big, strong otter. You may not be able to believe it. But now my strength is in the political power and economic power than I wield. And a little bit of dabbling in dark magic to ancient Fiscots. By desecrating the forests and battling with ancient deer gods. Stibby invented magic.

Yeah, I did. My name's Stibby, by the way. It's nice to meet you. Oh, and this is Bursa. Oh. And this is Hank. No, I need his booker. Some people call me Furry Joy.

They know, you booker, you're your Beauregard, kid. Yeah, that's right. That's right. My old man, he's in some trouble. He's in a lot of trouble. Oh, he's in a lot of trouble. You have no idea how much trouble your old man is in. I got a pretty good idea. About 100,000 ideas about it. Yeah, do you know what we do to the bums like him? Oh, no. I can only imagine. He's sleeping with the fishes.

That's exactly right. Who told you that? You guys tell us that all the time. It's kind of cashed. Everyone's blabber. This thing, this thing that we have and everybody talks. It was particularly piss. He's the one who's talking about the fish, sleeping with the fishes. Oh, piss.

He's 20 years in the can. I'm sorry, you're going to fight out this way. And he's blouses now. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to cause trouble. Please, please, please, don't kill Booker's dad. They just reconnected and rekindled their relationships. their relationship and I really think it's going very well. I didn't witness the...

No, no, you didn't. No, it didn't. I think it's really going pretty well. I really think they truly deeply love each other. Well. They love each other? What I will say is that all Beauregard is lucky. Maybe it's true what they say that raccoons have three lives.

Hey, three real, three lives. Really? I don't heard that before. I'm a raccoon. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe that was horses or something. That's a very, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but it was a darn. You ever hear of a horse? Oh, I've met a horse before? I've heard of them. Don't they have human teeth? I've heard of a...

What's a human? I don't know. I just heard that they had human teeth. Well, they have horse teeth. No, no, no, no, no. I think you think it has something else. I've met some real nice horse horse horse. What? You've never met a horse before? When would you have met a horse?

Oh, from back home in Felicia. There's no way there were horses in Felicia. Oh, there's a bunch of horses. Yeah, I've met horses. Horses are like bigger than the mythical deer creatures. Are you mispronouncing a word? What? Do you mean hoses?

No, no, a horse. Oh. What I was trying to say, I'd maybe, I don't know. Maybe it's, I don't know, maybe it's a new to something. I can't remember all the things my crazy kids talk about. Is that your old man is lucky that I have used of someone with the blessing of the nice one. You understand? What, what do you mean?

Dad can't be that lucky. He's down 100,000 plans. What I'm saying is that. But I am a generous and forgiving Don, you understand? Okay. And I have use of a bunch of drifter vagabonds that nobody never cared about. Oh, God. We can begin in connection with them.

Nobody's going to miss us since we died. You're saying like that is. It hurts a little bit. I mean, I agree. I will be happy to forgive your father's immeasurable death to my family. and we might break bread once more. And perhaps I will invite him to my grandson's christening next month. That sounds lovely.

Whoa. So what are you saying is that if we do a favor for you or some kind of job, us five drifters who... That's exactly right. Through the process of this may learn too much. You know, them dogs are smart. And no one will miss us if we disappear. We just help you and Booker's dad's gonna be okay? That's exactly right.

Oh, this is amazing news. Yeah, it's great. That's wonderful if I, we appreciate, I appreciate you giving us the sheds. All I'm gonna say is there's a magistrate that needs his fucking throat cut. I'm just gonna say it. Point me in his direction, I got you.

It doesn't have to be cut or could I ignite? him into flames and burn up to a breast. Literally not even a fragment of a bone left where he was standing. Oh, I thought you were gonna tell us you need out move inside. You were going to write to hitmen? Right to assassins? A political assassin that's exactly right.

I feel like I was very clear with that. Do you need more clams, kid? Give me a name and no one will ever know I was here. I could use more clams, yeah, I'll take some... I'll have seconds, please. That'd be lovely. I've had a lot to drink tonight and have a stomach. I will not be divulging name, but...

How am I supposed to kill him if I don't know he wins? to understand that you are loyal to the family and this thing that we have. You understand? I don't like where this is going. Can you pass the man of god? The man of God? The man agone right there. The clamogat.

The clamogat. Oh, and have the club of god. The club of goo. This is all. This spread is lovely, Dawn. Thanks for having it. It's spread. Food is fantastic.

And if you don't mind me, I'll enjoy it. Orange. He like he bites into it and squirts orange juice. It's all over all of us. You all wait with baited breath. He's like, my arm's a little mouth. As he slowly eats the orange as you all wait with baited breath.

And he goes, okay, now it's delicious. Oh, gosh. Real watches of a ventristle know. You must know I really like you. the vitamins? You know, it staves off scurvy. You know what that? You know what that is? Scurvy? Yeah. It's like a really sexy person? No. Anyway. Oh, wait, isn't it that old people disease? Where they like skin gets all flaky? No. Anyway, there's a magistrate from the earring that had come in. He's new. He's an upstart. He thinks he's all about the law, all about justice.

all about putting an end to this thing that we have. People like myself, like my very dear, dear, dear friend, Mr. Ladoo, that we are operating and have too much power when the Erie are the ones who should rule this woodland. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, take a follow law, yeah. And then he had the audacity to have my kid brother executed. Oh, no.

Executed killed? Executed. Oh, I'm so sorry. And all they had them on was just a couple of murders. Your kid brother, Chris? He was 42 years old. Oh, no, what was his name? So young.

His name. Hold on, is his name, baby. This is a painful moment. I don't know. I don't need to provide. Give him some time. He's mourning the last of his kid brother. Take a second.

If anything happened, my old man, I feel the same. I don't mean to pry I'm so I'm so terribly sorry it was salam it's salam he was salami oh poor salami all he did was just a few murders I always called them little sausage I thought that was real sad for him if anything happened to you would he have been dom salam So how that works, is it passed down through the ball line? And you understand. He's ignoring.

I thought it was very clever, Booker. Wait, wait, what did you say, Booker? I asked him if anything would have happened to him, his younger brother was still around if he would have become Dom Salam. Don's a lot. Oh, Dom Salam. No, no, he was, he's not. I have been preparing.

Might be a son. My dear son, Chris? Oh, I got a nickname for your dear son. If you called your brother Lil sausage, you could call your son Lil sperm. And the reason I say that is my brother, he had a friend who they called Little Sperm. That's all. It's not that I do not understand a single thing you just said. You young people, you young people with your hip-hops and your TikToks, I don't understand.

Oh, you mean clip clocks. What I need is a bunch of disposable grifters to commit a political assassination and pledge their fealty to my family and perhaps an ancient Eldridge Fishgars to get a bum out of a bunch of debt, probably some other stuff. Okay, so what you say... And my eternal friendship, and everyone is invited to my grandson's christening. Okay, so what you're saying is we pledge ourselves to an Elder Fish God, which sounds like we already did thanks to a book it did,

and we get to kill someone, get Booker's dad out of debt, and go join your party? Yes. I'm in. The magistrate. He was making a good example of little salami. Only 42 years old. He was just a kid.

Oh, so much life to live. And he had to do it so much time in the camp. He did 25 years in the camp. And he'd just gotten out. Isn't the average lifespan that dim would like 60? He'd just gotten out. And all he did was just only a couple of murders.

Only a couple. And just because they were visiting diplomats and created a political, international crisis. That they executed him for no dang good reason. This magistrate I tell you, The magistrate. Well, again, I'm real sorry about your brother, and we would love to help you

if it means that Booker's dad is going to be okay. If you do this, thank for me and my family. I swear on the great knight here. And on my honor, as an honor, an honor of honor, That's what they always called me. You know that? No.

They didn't know that? Well, actually, it's a very funny story. When I was a young otter, when I was a young kid, and I used to go down to old man, Vold's shop. Vold? Vold. William Vole? Yeah.

And he had a bit of a stutter, and so he used to say, oh, you're a good little otter. He would say, you're a good little honor. And that's how I got the name Honor. But only he called me that he died of... He died of a terrible accident. Was he eating in orange? Was he going on a jog?

He was just fell down the stairs. It's a very accident. It's a very common cause of death. Oh, yeah, for anybody over 40, yeah. Over 40, yeah. Why I don't go downstairs? Yes. If you don't mind us for one second, just a quick sidebar.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Take some time. Take some time. If you would like to discuss it in the bathroom. Why the bathroom? That's weird thing to say. You want the private thing?

More purpose than you can shake a stick on. This is an upscale establishment, yeah? You have the new splash hogs installed? Then we have the finest splash hogs. Then yeah, I think we'll go to the bathroom. I think we'll go to the bathroom. Mr. Louis, Louis keeps his splash hogs. They're like little piglets in there.

Five feet away, we're fine. Five feet is fine. We don't need to go. Fuck. Just out of here. Let's go to the bathroom. Now, everybody. Okay.

But he can hear is he's right. It's the power of movie and stage match. He's sitting on the tablebookers. Power. Power. Power stage. Grimbley and the feather guy they had sandwiches.

He said, he says, Zibar, is here. Should we not have had sandwiches? Why? Oh, no. Did we do something bad? Well, we didn't know

there'd be an old mobster easily. It's a bizarre. It's a buster. You know, do you want to tell them? I mean, it looks like a chicken paccata to me, but.

Grumley's only crimes, and he didn't know more. Your food was coming. Come in, they didn't do anything wrong. Can you pass the lasagna, please? If we do that, it's not going back. Making deals like this is not good.

It's never gonna end up good for us. Working with the mob now. Well, I say it's possibly better than the other plan he had in place. While you were down playing the piano, we were up with Mr. Louis Lidoux, and I have to say he strikes quite an imposing figure. and figure and I don't know if I can keep up the charade in front of him. I'll leave it up to you guys.

I don't want to, I'm going to make you do this for my dad. That's crazy. I don't want anything to happen to us. It should be me. I should be the one. You shouldn't have to shoulder this burden. This is this craziness. This is insanity.

I'm going to tell you something, Booker. I don't sleep much these days. Running on. Oh, see how I was asleep over the past three or four nights. Superable. Every time I close my eyes, I hear the screams. Ah. I smell the fire, the way hair burns,

squishy pop. Not the one from when I used to work at Quack Donald's, but the one when I burn those people alive in the forest. Similar, but legally distinct. What? Oh, that's when we met Bitsy. It was violent, it was very violent. And I realized in that moment that I said, Peggy, there might be something wrong with you.

It's up for debate. Because I would do it again if it meant protected my friends. And I hate to admit it, but you are my friend. That sounds like one, yes. And there is a possibility I slept with your dad once. So if I did, then he's also my friend. Okay. Sure. You got me off, you got Brumley off, you got Booker off three or four times.

I say, I say it's just a way. And you even got pissy off. And so I think when it comes down to it, you're all of our friends by a lot, even though we know you the least. Well, I thank you for saying that, Peggy, because I feel that... No, it's Peggy. Well, all right. And here I've been saying Peggy this whole time. And I didn't know for one second. I say, I didn't know. It was in fact Peggy.

Yeah, no, you're friends. We should know what Jeff's name. John Paul? Well, John Roof. No, that's what he said. Okay, well, book of the way I sit, we could either flim flam, terrible alligator cultist

powerful riverboat casino owner and Louis would rather have it this is a sidebar, don you can't. I told you guys, right fucking is. No, he's magic. I say this is a lethal cymbardly. We said the magic world. No, it's exciting.

You're not having to listen in a phone. It's not our fault it's the lasagna. I'm whispering. Can you pass your spaghetti in me? Oh yeah, of course, of course. Are we still sitting at the table? You got a bit of an appetite.

We can't believe because of the stage was... You are looking like the type of guy that's gotten in large prostate. So why don't you head over to the splash hog, and we'll see you in a minute, yeah? I have a long time. I have a lot to eat before I need to use the restroom. That's what the guys say you've got that enlarged prostate, but it's hard to tell. Look at this guy. It's got a good appetite.

You're a good kid. It's not that much. I can put it away. I bet you spend a lot of it. time in the job. Ah, he does. He does. And this is the worst,

this is the worst moment. What does that mean? Is that true? This is the worst day? I knew you with this kid. No, it's family style. I'm not taking that much every time. It's just a little bit.

Every time. He does. He does spend a lot of time. So, no, it's going to happen. He goes, oh, I have to go to the little bunch around and he walks away. I mean, I mean, enjoy the clamp on again.

It does the claim like, It doesn't seem like that much when you've traveled with Hazel, though, to be honest. There's she were here, this entire place would have been clean by now. I'm gonna take some of this to go for leftovers because, you know, I'm awfully full. Could you're at fucking serious. I'm sorry to Bitsy. What did I didn't know? I didn't know!

I don't even want to look at you right now. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Bitsy's already rearing to go, right? She's got a... I could kill everybody in this moment. Faison. I could kill someone with this fork covered in this ridiculously oversized spaghetti ball. You know, they should call this spa peggy in me, boss.

Why? Oh, I don't know, because spaghetti kind of sounds like peggy. That's why funny. I had some kind of similar. And then Gromby's defense, in his defense, when we were making sandwiches, we thought you were dead. So I say we didn't think to make you on the road because we thought you'd been sacrificed.

We were dead and you made sandwiches. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is got a good point. No, no, no, he's... Well, no, that's exactly right, Gromley. We had thought they had sacrificed to cultists. No, this is got a good point. Well, I say by cultists, and in that moment,

overwhelmed with emotion, the only thing we could do. Whether you lived or died was unclear at the time. See, we didn't know one way or the other, so it was a possibility that we considered. But, I mean, you should have seen this, a dusty, crusty warehouse old kitchen that was actually turned into a storage room that probably hadn't been used in years, but they had a fully stocked refrigerator in there with very fresh meats and cheeses. And breads, what was I supposed to do? Oh, that wasn't my personal request.

Well, it was very delicious. Very delicious. We still got to answer the question. Are we going to go murder someone to get book his dad off? Can't ever take that blood off your hands. Yeah, no, it's done, it's done. It's not murder if we don't kill him. You were saying that if you sleep with someone, you're friends with them? Oh, me dear. We've all slept with each other tons of times.

Huh? What? And so that's as good a friend as you can get, right? Yep. I mean, tons of times. Dozens, right? Yeah, you and Booker sleep together all the time. What? It's news to me.

And Booker sleeps with Bitsy and... Holy! Bitsy sleeps with Peggy. We all sleep together every night. Well, this is one odd group of. And so what I'm trying to say is we're the best of friends. Having so much fun together.

And it's the right thing to do is what friends do is protect each other's debts. That's kind of you're saying. I appreciate the support, Ron. You're the best. You're my best friend. And in the grand scheme of things, though we have to do a bit of murder,

just a government employee. You know, as far as things go, I mean, from a moralist thing, I mean, an eerie government employee. Basically a wall. Yeah. I don't argue that. I mean, you probably do a lot of good, you know.

You're killing a government employee to say, To save a worthless gamble and no good raccoon. Bum, don't forget bum. With no morals in a lack of self-control. I feel like if we gotta do it. What? He was able to leave somebody mac and cheese

he didn't eat it all. That's some kind of control. We're gonna be able to help who book us dad. Grumme, I have to say, I think that's just poor planning. All right, so we're in. Are we all in? We're in? Yeah.

Yeah? Donovan, where can we find this master beat? Good. I knew that this was going to happen. It was foretold. Quasimodo predicted this. Who? Who?

Quasimodo. What kind of name is that? My personal soothayer of Night Here. He's just a little Moto. This is Quasi. But there, this is good. This is a good thing. Quasimodo can hear the whispers of Night Here,

and you will all thank me, because Louis would have preferred it if we sacrificed you and threw you into the swamp and watch you get eaten by shallow twos. All of us? All of me. Shallow twos are the...

Shallow twos? Are the minions of night here? I'm so glad you explained that. We would have had no idea we were talking about. Are shallow twos real? Shallow twos. They're certainly real. I've heard about them.

I think I saw one once. They were very... You understand the predicament that I am in? While this magistrate draws breath, I look weak after he murdered my kid brother. And the longer that he draws breath, there will be more dysentery in the ranks. You understand this? Yeah. I lost.

It means that people will stop moving with their loyalty. They'll start their son leaving. Oh, no. Either that or they won't be able to afford rivers, eat vegetables, get the... And so you won't do this for me? We're all in. Then you may kiss my ring to pledge your loyalty to me. Is that really necessary?

Yes. Yes. And you can think. I don't want to do that. You have made the offering, a great offering tonight here. That is what Quasimodo has told me. Are you wearing a ring? I'm wearing a very large, brilliant ring.

I know. I'm just making sure. You may kiss my ring. And then when you finally killed that no good mother. fucker who executed my baby brother only 42 years old. You can all come to the reception after my grandson's christening next month. I have two questions. Yes.

What is this government official's name? His name. Well, I will tell you when you all kiss the ring. All right. And join this thing. There's no getting out once you do this thing. I'll kiss the ring. But I'll only.

let you know when I got done playing the piano earlier one of the mother artists told me they were giving me the kiss of death but he used a little tongue and it was weird he holds up his paw I'll kiss the ring you leaned down you're a wise kid I knew it he's like kind of he slaps you on the cheek a little bit a little oh what a good kid you know I you know I I'm it seems like the apple fell very far from the tree with Beauregard you're a good smart kid yeah I would Donovan Gabagoo Oh, then, yes.

Yes, young lady. I pledge my loyalty to kill this government official. That is music to my ears. See? Wise, good friends, good. I did before tellings were true. Okay, I'm waiting. Oh, well, Don, I've actually already had to kiss the ring

because it's me, shone, who's your county. I'm already pledged to you, so I think we're good there. Well, I think we're good there. that that's very interesting because I don't how did you lose the birth mark on your comb well I know that's a nice try don because there's no birth mark in this comb I will know that you do not you are not John Luke I know I may look like ailing old met and an ailing old otter but I am cutting and Shockingly observant honor.

Well, if that's true, were you able to tell that I was the walking dead when I came in here? I saw the look of the dead in your eyes. Yes. I know what the egg had spoken to you. So you, it's true then. The egg was real. Quasimodo predicted that.

That's a rowing, guys. It's a real deal. He's just a little motor. He's a real deal. Are we gonna get to meet, Volossi Mona? Well, you can't want if you do a good job, he'll be at the gristening. Yes.

Oh, wonderful. Yeah, this Chris guy, I'll tell you. He's real popular. I love this NPC. Okay. You're a good, you're a good kid. With Jean-Luc, you should just totally do it again, you know? Oh, well.

Might as well. Well, second time to try. I mean, all that's felt about a birth line. That's just crazy. You'll be very critical for this assassination. Okay, well, let me poke it up. Oh, that's shockingly wet for a beak. I didn't know how you do that.

Well, it's all in the... That's very impressive. Okay. You have enough to eat, kid? Well, I sort of played a canole over there, you know. You should try to tiramese. too, it's amazing. We have plenty of canoing.

You can have it. We will have dessert, coffee, and some aperitaph after you kiss the ring and we talk about the murder plan. So here's the thing. Am I swearing an oath? Because I already have one of those. So I can't really swear another one.

You are making an oath of sorts. But you can have both oaths acted at the same time. Oh, is that like a passive feature of this one? Where I can, this is like a... That's when it comes, you can help be subversed. you understand? Oh, but I can keep my original love. Yeah, sure, whatever, yeah.

All right, okay. I have some crumps. A little bit of marineroth on there, yeah. Yeah, because it's a little weird. Is that enough? Okay, that's fine. That's fine. Okay, one left, four down, just as it was foretold. And so it was written.

I'm happy to kiss your hand, but I want to make sure that I'm perfectly clear. I have waltz. Everyone in Makhpat does, too. I'll think come over here, Daddy. She's going to go on her, and she's going to smooch that ring. They call me the God otter. That's what I said. And you kissed the ring, and he said, good.

You are now a part of this thing that we have. You are not to speak of this ever again, with anyone that is not part of this thing. And we need you to kill this Magister. His name is Judge Hootie Nathaniel the Blowfish. And that is the one session. Well done. Well done. Thanks for another session, Mike. Nice drawing, nice doing you, nice. Well done. Well done. Oh, good old Houdie Nathaniel.

the blowfish. Oudy and the blowfish. Good job. We do it. Good job. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Aventrys podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session. If you want even more campaigns to listen to,

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