Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E7 | Roughin' It

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

The Vagabond's plot a path through the Dimwood and hear tales of a great beast within...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/UIV-CeMXix8?si=q6Pshck_Y-bDCR5z

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. I'm Mikey Gilder and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. Consult no stardamus. I mean, Quasimodo. I mean, we've been begging you to. Yeah. I'm just saying it's very busy.

Figure out what to do next. Mr. Ladoo still thinks that Jean-Claude is Jean-Luc. I think really we have two broad options. Okay, all right. I wish to decide. One is right. run, two is killed a magistrate. And then depending, I don't think we should vote and decide which one of those we want to do first.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for collecting these votes. Thank you for coming up with the plans and helping me tell you them. And tied for first is Potsville and the Hollywood. Potsville? Free votes!

Yes! Yeah! We gotta go grab old boat! Get out of here! We gotta get your dad. And John Claude, if you want to shoot on Mr. Lidoo's desk, that's fine. Just take it. Real quick, free on. I'm really now. You gotta get up. You gotta pack what you can, pack light, we gotta get out of here. We're skipping town and running to Potsville. What? We're getting out of here. We're getting out of here. Potsville!

They wanted us to murder somebody to clean your debt. And we didn't want to do it. We voted a lot. There's too many votes. There's no more time to accept. We were to kill you. Explain, you gotta come with us now. What? P.S. Enjoy my last surprise. You are leaving Jean-Claude and Grumley.

You hear the yelling and screaming of Louis Lidou as he wants to kill the accountant, as he wants to kill Jean-Luc Chanticleer. And you make your way into the town leaving the hungry catfish behind you.

You walk through the streets and you realize just how many, you know, this is predominantly a fox clearing, but you see a great number of honors, now hyper-aware, given your decisions. Just how many employees and members of the Riverfolk Company and the crime family at the head of it, there are. And not just that, you also see the,

buildings in the treetops where the birds of every clearing live, but just how many heavily armed Erie soldiers there are in this place. And you make your way into the town. Booker, Bitsy, and Peggy, you are leaving the... Bitsy's with me. Oh, Bitsy is with you guys. Peggy and Booker. You are leaving Beauregard. Yeah, Bidsey and Buccee. I ate breakfast together. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So Peggy and Booker, you are leaving as your, as Beauregard, allegedly is packing his things and is going to meet you in the hour. Yeah. And you are walking through the streets. You start heading west in the direction that you told him to meet.

We'll just say that you told him to meet somewhere. Narratively, we'll decide. You got to decide where you meet him and that's what he'll be. Yeah, the edge of the clear. And eventually, you all run into each other. You guys had been heading back to Beauregard's apartment

and filled with breakfast. I guess John Claw is not filled. Entie to breakfast and talked about. Made plenty of room. What do you all do as you see each other at your plan?

You are also now hyper-aware just how many otters and eerie soldiers there are around. Well, hi. What, John Claw? Do you look like you lost weight? Oh, I say. I say I think I laid a dozen of eggs and the head, possibly a baker's dozen.

Wait, you could do that? You can lay eggs? No, it was it you from there? Oh, I said, all right. And where did you lay eggs that? Well, I'm right in Ladoo's desk. Nuts! I knew I liked you.

Oh, it's upper desk. I mean, you should have heard him yelling for Jean-Luc. I wish I could have been that. I would have chipped in a little. Oh, it was great. Well, I appreciate that. It was, it was, oh, I gotta change my disguise. I take off my glasses.

Back to, back to, whoa. Back to Joan Claus. I never felt so good. So what do you think? You sold it? You think that he's gonna go after your brother. Oh, Jean-Luc doesn't last the night, I don't think. Oh, well, look, he's rocking up enemies.

He's got night here as an enemy. Now he's got this Ladoo fella as an enemy. We just got to keep tacking on a few more. And then your brother's toast. He doesn't even know that we've done set him up. So I think, I think... Should we fake our own deaths? Should we fake our own deaths?

Well, yeah, because I have asthma, so we can't run, we gotta walk out of here. And so I'm really concerned that once they realize that we've left and we're heading to wherever it is we're going, they're gonna send people running after us. And I don't know if you're aware of how running versus walking works, but they'll catch us and then we'll die.

And so I'm thinking maybe if we fake our own death. We're just gonna be faster than the slowest member of us. Actually. I don't know, it's hard to think your own death. You have to find people that look like you and then you have to kill them so you have a body to leave behind. And then you have to find a replacement for that person.

Couldn't we just leave some fake blood around and like a ransom note? Oh, entice in theories. But somebody remind me, are we actually in trouble for anything? Well, we're about to break it. We kissed the rings of that, I'll tell you, man. Well, exactly right, but presumably we have several to make good on the assassination.

We could just walk out of here without being stopped and say we're doing recone. Yeah, but we're not even going in the direction of the place that the guy was supposed to kill who's going to be, so they're probably going to know immediately well, that's not the direction. They're probably running away, walking away, I should say. I don't think they would dare send anyone after us,

because wherever we're going to go next, it's ruled by the cats and they'll protect us. So, I feel very very very much. I feel very comfortable leaving without having to murder five people, mainly a mouse, finding a mouse, a rooster, a frog, a pug, and a raccoons, having to kill them all. The cats and minds get along famously. I mean, we could always just go back to where we were, and I could suggest to someone that they saw us all die. Um, hey you. What?

Oh, okay. Who are you? My name is Pendleton Wismith. What are you doing this town? I don't know. I'm good. Oh, me, I'm just the cobbler. Oh, Pendleton's. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, hey, hey, cobbler Pendleton. You are, you connected. You get connected to this town in some meaningful way. I'm just the beloved cobbler. Everyone who needs new shoes comes to me for their cobbler. Okay, hold on a second. King George, and you're gonna see a fly come out,

and King George is gonna start spinning around in a circle like a hypnotizing pattern as I begin to suggest to the cobbler. I suggest that you believe that you saw all of us brutally murdered by, uh, why are you looking at me? Don't look at me, look at Booker. Who's like the mortal enemy of the Italians?

Well, why don't you just say stash and pits? Okay, we were... Oh, wait, wait, what about the servants of night here? Well, no, because they were in line with that coldness. We're kind of working for them right now. I was going to give this back to you, but maybe... Oh, no, no, no. I know, I need that.

He's going to do a whole bit about it, you brought up early. I suggest... You can still do the bit, I mean. I suggest to you that you so... a band of cats, right? Because we just talked about cats. Why would they be here? Oh, we haven't had to worry about the monkeys up.

No, no, no, no, no, look at the fly. Stop looking, stop looking at the fly. Stop looking at the mouse. He's just standing there. I'm just standing here. I'm listening to what you're saying. All right, I'm going to say. It's not like it's sudden like you didn't flash you with the men and black things.

Well, I'm about to flash you with something if you don't look at the damn fly, all right. Focus. Lots of handsome five. Yeah, that's King George. Now look at him. If you stop looking, you're gonna die. You fall over dead. That's how magic works or something, all right?

I suggest to you that you saw all five of us pulled into the wilderness, pulled into the sky, dead limp on bird talons. Bart cat assassins. Bird talons. Bird cat, cat, bird. You don't listen to anything they say. You listen to what I say, you understand?

And I'm gonna cast a suggestion. He was very nervous. I'm just a coupler. Could you hand you my dice bag, Rich? I suggest to take a long walk off a short pen. So I am suggesting to him that his, hoping to distract him and hypnotize him by King George. Which the DC?

Not very good. Wisdom 15. I got natural. Oh, a little. And so what he is. What he will believe for the next eight hours is that he saw us bloodied and broken as we were carried away by-

He was not at the dawn until two days later. By the hearing. He'll tell people. Okay. That's enough time. That's enough time. Ah. Oh!

That's what you say. You believe that? Yeah, that's what he believes. That's interesting. We might have thought that were working at. Oh, God damn it. I completely forgot. Okay.

All right. All right. We're going to have to try this again. Oh, thank you guys. I just missed you. I thought you guys were dead. You were strangers. I thought you was dead.

Okay, okay, okay. We'll get the fly again. Look at the fly again. It's work. Yeah, and when we walk away from you, you're going to see us die all over again. I have a cast. my last bounce slot.

What is it, 15? 15. That's fucking good. That's so fun. That is so good. Even 50 saw that coming. I didn't. I got the 13.

What do you say to him? When we walk away from him, he will believe until anyone that he can find that he saw the five of us killed and carried off by the year. A second time. A second time. Because we were okay to work on. Because we escaped. No way! Harrowing escape.

He warned us not to go. Heroic. We walked away, injured, and then we were standing up. We're just final destination, those guys. He's just having horrible. Oh my God! A bunch of people, he turns around immediately and runs. Oh my God! A whole bunch of people I didn't know die.

They'll be like lock this guy out. Everything perfect. Let's go. Let's go. No, I think that'll work. Don't run. We get a walk. We got to go. Little Orpenter, you don't understand! They got killed!

We can decide to take the room and out. We get into the woods first. Do we go, help me. Oh, we should have waited for you. I don't know if we had done to show up. Five people, but not the beloved town. You're supposed to be in five minutes, too. We can't wait for it, Booker.

We got to go. Go, go, go, go. Go in the woods. She's getting the woods. We've got to get out of here. Oh, you here. Oh, Bow. regard you son he looked just like it was terribly killed oh oh you low Bukha was killed by the

erie oh oh oh he hears shouting and screaming is brought up into the woods make this is make this stealth check grip's del check probably oh group stealth check that's not very deep that's not very good plus nine. I think that. Sorry, Max. All right. Okay.

Yeah, I guess we need character sheets. I have that, I just didn't have a die. I got an 11. For stealth? 14. 16. Ooh, only a 13. My stealth's not very good.

14, 16. 8. 8. 13. 13. Okay. You all make your way running through.

Is you hear the shout what the fuck was his name? Pendleton. Pendleton Wisemeth. Pendleton Wisnep. The beloved town gobbler. Beloved town cobbler. What kind of animal was he?

He made the best pies. He was a squirrel. He was a squirrel. He was a squirrel who just, he loved, he loved working shoes. He loved cobbling. He looked very tired after

after working a bunch of personal jobs for director Fair at Wizo. Did that rush theme on each other. Yeah, he is exhausted, and so he's very easily suggestible, just like they do at Colts where they get you very tired in order to be very suggestible. Sure.

As you bolt through the town, you hear shouting of Pendleton. And you, it doesn't take you long. All you know that the riverboat, the Hunger Catfish, is to the west side of the clearing, but you know that there's a huge swath of kind of the more marshy, swampy area to the north before you reach the river

that is fully forested and wooded. And it doesn't take you very long, just takes you probably a good 10, 15 minutes, until you make your way into the tree line as the clearing of Muckbed Creek disappears behind you and you hear the running of the river directly north of you. What do you all do?

I turn to Grumlin and I say, hey, were you able to get breakfast? Did I work out? Can I get my card back? Oh, hold up. And I'll reach into my tabard. And I'll pull out like a little crushed styrofoam plate with like a little Danish. I got some for you too and you were hungry.

Oh, my thanks, buddy. You're always thinking about your old pal Booker. It worked great. Thank you. Honestly, you know, it's a pretty good deal. Free breakfast for five hours? I mean, which hotel does that anymore? I gotta be honest.

I didn't think it was gonna work. I just got this card and just realized I was a member the other day. That's pretty crazy. I mean, it's incredible. You know, if we ever make it back, we could, you know, get up early at like six in the morning

and just be down there for five hours straight. Well, it doesn't work at other establishments. We gotta remember we had this. thing and you know we'll see how it does oh my god keep it secret just let me know just remind me all right I might forget all right oh thank for the Danish I appreciate it ah I don't know this fantastic I eat you like the fantastic mr. Fox I mean the best we're just canonically how you all eat that's right that's right well you really bungled that one now what are we just gonna leave your dad back then I mean the best we can do is sit

here and wait and see if he finds us. If we go back out into the clearing, they're gonna know we're not dead. Yeah, I unfortunately cannot become invisible because it's quite cold. That's a little chilly. We try to get his attention, but I don't wanna step back into the clearing.

That's suicide. Suicide. That guy who makes desserts? Probably. He's beloved. I've known him since I was a wee little lad. He makes the best cobbler's because he cobbles. That's what he does.

He's the cobbler. Oh, I thought he made the cobbled stones all over Graham. Common misconception. Oh. So what he makes he baked? Yes, he's a he's a he's a baker, a cobbler and makes cobbler. That's what they does what it says on the tin. He's beloved. Oh, that's what a cobblower does. That would never lie to anyone. I'll go for some cobbler right now. I'm running on empty. Why was his house full of shoes? Don't ask. That's a question. I don't think we want to dive into. That's a look, what a man does in the in the privacy of his own home.

Yeah, I don't know anything about that. Does he need to hang him in the windows? That's creepy. The shoes? Yeah. I don't know. You tell me. Is that normal?

He collected the souls of at least hundreds of people. That's very funny. That's really good. Is that a reference to something? The souls of the shoes. Of at least 100 people. Oh. Oh, that is very funny.

So now what do we do? We're trying to flag my old man down? We just, we move on, and he's toast. He's going to be fish food. I have to say at this point, we're good to just laugh. This is the problem. That's what I'm saying. We're right back to square one.

We could have gotten into none of the hygings we got on. We've skipped this whole clearing. We've undone days of storytelling. I mean, we were going to rob the place. That's right. And then we got the books. And then we upper decked the desk. And then we did the clever maneuvering around a faking

our deaths and all to get you dead out of gambling dead now he thinks you're dead I never wanted this for any of us well can you just like communicate with him somehow maybe you can scamper back to the edge of the woods

and is there some kind of like bird call that only you and your dad would know I think King George to sting him but I don't know if that's going to help in any way outside of the fact that it will hurt signal no no let's go with the bird call thing that's absolutely a thing yeah we absolutely I absolutely have a secret bird call

that we've known for the last. Oh, really? Yeah, 30 years. Absolutely. I don't know how you knew. That was a hell man. Well done. Well done.

All right, I'm going to scamper back to the edge of the clearing and see if I can keep an eye out for my father and then use the bird call that we only know the two of us together. I know what he is. Should we set up some kind of protection just in case someone who's not your dad

is like, what's that in comes to investigate? That literally can't happen. There's literally only two people on the planet and it's me and my father. Wow. So they'll just think it's a woodland bird. Yeah, this plan is full proof. Well, but we did just convince the cobbler maker

that we were carried off by the eerie, so the sounds of bird calls coming out of the forest, you don't. This is made a bird call. Nobody's ever heard this bird before. I can still grease on the ground if you want. I mean, summon grease from either. I don't know how that'll help, but I mean,

you knew you. I thought it was too cold. Yeah, it's too cold for me to go invisible. Can flies can sting? Yeah, it's a sex thing. Is that true? Haven't you ever been on the beach in these gigantic fucking horseflies land on your leg and they just sting the shit out of you?

And you're like, I'm trying to read my goddamn book, you piece of garbage. And you keep swatting them away, but they come back and they sting you over and over again. They're fucking on your legs. Well, I always thought they were biting. my flesh, not stinging me. Yeah, they're fighting. They need the blood for sex stuff. Oh, I thought that was just penetration

because they were fucking on your legs. No. Are you sure? Can you hold on? How do you keep having hair so much? All over your wattle all the time. Go, Booker, go. All right, I'm going.

I'm going. I'm going to sneak back to the edge of the clearing and see if I can find my father frantically looking for where we told him to meet us. You get back. You get back to the clearing and you peer through and you don't even need to roll a perception check Wonderful. As you hear you see two figures. We see a squirrel gentleman and a raccoon gentleman about the same age kind of arm in arm crying and you hear Boerger saying oh Booker he was dead oh let's go to the Bill Bunk track

Nope no to gamble on sorrows away Pendleton yeah What I saw, it was really gruesome, I think. The moment that I... And I thought that they were okay. The moment that I hear this happening, I will hunker down and prepare to do the bird call that my father and I have practiced many, many times. And he knows, he knows this bird call to mean

that there is danger and that he should find the source of the call and stop what he's doing and making it, no matter what he's, what he's doing to make an excuse to escape and find the source of the call. We've rehearsed this many, many times. Okay. Does he know, does he know that it's supposed to be secret?

He knows it's a secret bird call. Yes, he knows it's a secret bird call. Unless. That's a great question. What you choose to do that information is up to you. Oh, the secret bird call. He would know. There it is.

He would know it's a secret bird call. And it means stop what you're doing. No one, but I remember. Make you an excuse. Find the source of the call. He would know. Yeah. I'm ready.

Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. You hear, oh, we'll have to hear so. Thank you for the flas. From the edge of the clare here. Ben and you've always been in good friend. May reform a shock advantage.

Wow. I thought it was going to be. Performance? I thought it was just going to be, dad. Hey, dad. Actually, the plus seven, I got a 22. Oh. You see, 22, it's so convincing.

You see, it takes a while, but as you, you see a recognition, a light on his face, I'm gonna make an intelligence check. Oh boy. For Boer-R-R-Borne. His eyes-pity the fool. Light up. Oh my God, I can't believe,

stuck in a loveless relationship. Put it all on. I gotta go, Pendleton. And you hear a loud rattling as your father starts hustling in your direction. And he goes, cocko! I say to myself, yes, that's the response. He heard me. As you see that he has an enormous sack filled with stuff

that's bigger than the bag in Booker's original art. If you were caught. That's very funny. As you hear rattling of just a bunch of junk, as he, is, oh, Karookoku, go, oh, my boy! Is it? Oh, is he, he tries to cook his heels together and it drops on his face.

Oh, fuck. Oh, oh, okay, I'm coming. Once he gets to me. I'm coming. And he finally burst through, you see the large sack of stuff that he has. Oh, Dad, you heard the call. Oh, I knew I taught you well, son.

I heard the response. You were able to get away? You made up an excuse? Oh, yeah. Oh, I told, good Pendleton, the good news. Oh, I'm glad we're okay. Okay, good. I thought that the area arrested you

on account of all of the terrorism you got mixed up in. Well, they tried to, but we had a really good attorney. He got us off. I heard on the local news that they're gonna execute a whole bunch of people about it, the leader of the rebels and then the accomplices. Good, good. Oh, God.

That bastard nest is going to get what's coming to it. Oh, man. Anyway, what did you bring? Why do you have all this stuff? Oh, I brought all my stuff that I need if I'm going to be spending a while away from my bachelor pad. Why does it smell so heavily a mac and cheese? Well, come on, we gotta get back to the rest of the gang. Are you sure you need all that?

Are you gonna be able to carry that? Yeah, I mean, it's got my lava lamp. We might be traveling through the woods. Like it's kind of dangerous. It's got my stack of magazines. Okay, that doesn't seem really like a need. It's like more of a want. It's got a bunch of blue box.

That's the good stuff. Well, I mean, food is a reasonable to bring. Do you know the difference between needs and wants? Like, we should only bring the things we need. I, Booker. What did I teach you? A bird caller too. If there's something in this world that you want, you need it.

Okay. Okay, all right, Dad. That's been my philosophy that I have lived by Beauregard-Tir-Raccoon has lived by his whole life. Keep your voice down. And it worked out for me, okay. Dad, keep your voice down, come on. All right.

Come on, let's get back the rest of the gang. Just keep your voice down. Oh, let's go. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know what's gonna work out, Dad. I don't know about this bag of stuff here. Let's meet with the rest of the gang, and maybe we get,

Maybe we can just, maybe you can leave a lot of that behind. No, there's behind all this stuff. I don't know about that. I need it. Okay, let's go meet your friends. Oh, I thought they all died. You should have heard Pendleton. He said it was gruesome.

Yeah, it was. I mean, I know that's the story we're sticking to. I mean, that's the good thing. Oh, gosh, I can't believe that you were almost snatched up on account of the charges of terrorism. Well, it's all in the past now. We're going to move on. We're going to make it. We're gonna get out of here, we're gonna start over,

and we're gonna be fine. You just gotta stay away from the Otters, you gotta stay away from the Erie, all right, you gotta just lay low in Marquis-Aid controlled territory. It'll be all right. Oh gosh. Gosh, I haven't been to, I haven't been to Potsville in a long time.

Oh, it's terrible there. Oh, God, is it much farther I'm exhausted? We need it like 10 feet, Dad. We gotta go like miles and miles and miles. Oh gosh, well, you think they got like a cheap motel on the way so we can at least be comfortable on the road? No, the closest clearing is Nokington. Oh, we're going through the woods?

Probably, we gotta talk to the rustling. Okay, leave the way. All right, here we go. You're right, it does smell like mac and cheese. You hear the rustling of junk as you arrive, as you see Booker and his dad join your... All right, guys. We got him. We got him. He's a little encumbered, though. He's sweating profusely. Yeah, I'm a little worried.

Wow, your dad's got a big sack. He won't give up his stuff. He just won't get rid of it. I try to convince him. He's, you know, he says he needs a lava lamp and he needs all the magazines, and I just don't understand. He's got a lava lamp. He's got some sense into him. As soon as he arrives, there's actually a tree with like a low branch that looks a little sharp. It catches like this sappy. Oh, no. As he gets a rip into and all of his junk spills out. Oh, no. All of my stuff. He falls onto his knees when he tries to like mac and cheese boxes are torn open.

Wow, that was a good. We could eat now. Good food. Oh, bummer. All right. You don't eat all this stuff, Dad. You don't eat all this. That's very funny.

I would have said play Foxy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway, come on, you don't need, you don't need even half this. Look, and plus, look, the bag is torn, it's destroyed, it's ruined, just leave all this. Oh, but my lava lamp.

They don't need a lava lamp. Oh, my magazines. You don't need, we can get you new magazines. Oh, my, they're not gonna have the good stuff in Potsville, I know it. But it's gonna be okay, Mr. T-Rap. raccoon because you'll be alive with your son. Well, for a little bit.

We got to keep moving. Who needs the magazines and the lava lamps and the strip joint and the gambling and the bachelor pad and the drugs? And the drugs and Skinnamax and that weird bead curtain that you had between your kitchen. So who needs any of that when you have family? I mean, to be fair, Grumley, that's how a lot. a lot of families are made. What do you mean?

Through mac and cheese and drip joints? On the hell. Yeah. Um, it's going to be great. We get to settle down, enjoy the simple life. Bitsy can introduce us to all of her brothers and sisters. It's going to be a wonderful time. I want to be clear, I'm not putting down roots.

I'm going to keep moving. Yeah, it's probably better if we stay uprooted. Yeah! Um, um, Borgard has put on novelty blasting shays. Oh, fine, you're right, it's all junk. So, look, we'll get you settled. We'll get your new stuff.

It'll be fine. Are you just going to leave your dad into clearing? Yeah, that was the plan all along from, I mean, like, I was, I was very open about that from the very beginning. So we're gonna- I didn't come back to Muck Bed to hang out with my dad. I mean, it's nice to sing it, but like, I got my own life to live.

I got my own freedom to achieve. I got places to go and people to see and things to do. Places to play the banjo. I gotta get a new banjo by the way. I guess we didn't really choose to go to Mockbad. That's just sort of the way the current of the river took it. That's right. I followed it just like the music that I hear

as I waltz down the street. It's where it took me. The music will take me somewhere else. And none of us knew how to sail that catamaran, so we just sort of drifted. Oh, we were sailing on a catamaran? Yeah. All the perverts were on the under level of a catamaran? You, uh, yes, I think that's correct.

Is this Nikki talking face? Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you're right. picturing more of a galleon of sauce. You're right, Booker. You know what? I don't need any of that stuff.

It's a good thing that my life got uprooted. Oh, this is gonna be a thing now. Okay, here we go. Tonight, two and a half squirrels on UPN. To the bottom. You're right. It's just the two of us and your friends. On an adventure, it's like reclaiming the adventure of my youth when I, too, used to be a little bit in the back of the heart.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop. No, that's not how this is working. We're relocating you to Pottsville. We're going to get you a nice place to stay. You're going to stay out of trouble, and then I'm going to move on with my life. Well. I'll come back and visit. That's right.

I wasn't saying that you were going to stay, and we were going to hang out and be buns for a. while. I mean, you don't need your old man. Your old man taught you everything he already knows. Okay, Dad. Whatever you say. Yeah. Why don't we start walking and we can talk about this maybe as we get closer to Potsville? Yeah, you got a long way to go. A lot of miles to get before we sleep. Yeah, you're right. You're right, son. Yeah. It's going to be great. And we're going to leave all that stuff in the woods, right? Just in the middle of We're just going to leave it. I'm bringing the lava lamp.

With any luck, it'll look like it'll look like he got mugged and maybe he don't think he's dead too. Yeah, it was actually going to say, should we find something to kill and smear its blood all over it so that it looks like we were murdered in the woods? Why don't we just...

Yeah, I think we should just get a move on here. I think we should, you know. Rather, not have to... Here something. Yeah, here we go. Just skin weight to be on the road again. I mean, I'm fine with slicing through from my palm to my elbow

and squeezing out a bit of juice. just to make sure that our cover's made. I'm not sure that's necessary, but we're not going to stop you. As long as we're not doing anything over the next week that I'm going to need both hands for, then I think we'll be fine. I can pull out a dagger? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll walk up to you and I'll grab the dagger.

I'll take the knife. You sure? Look, Peggy, you're seeming slightly more unhinged than normal. I don't know what you're talking about. I did have some strange dreams, but we don't need to get into that. I don't know if you're coming down from the drugs or... What drug? It's just a high level of stress.

What drugs? I don't have any drugs. Oh, you didn't have any drugs earlier? No? I had a deviled egg yesterday. No, not one of you. There was drugs from the devil dags. What?

No, there wasn't. There was just deviled eggs. No, I could tell. It was fucking full of Della's Della's D. I think I would know if I had consumed L. I'm brandishing them later. I think I would know that I would have consumed. I'm assuming out of the seat, all right.

Why don't you put dinner off away? And we're just gonna have a lovely, jaunty walk through the woods. Yeah, well, don't forget that I have asthma. That's all I'm saying. And to be honest with you, after the events of the morning, I'm not exactly sure where the heck we stand in this town. I don't think there's anything you could add to the situation that we'll clarify in this life.

I just feel that adding a little blood to the situation wouldn't be a negative. But if you know what's squeamish about death? I'm a little squeamish about death. If I'm being honest, remember that time there was either Booker or Bidsey stabbed me into kidneys to get some blood?

I stabbed me. I stabbed you a bunch. To smear all over like either that cat guy or maybe me. It's a miracle you saw my fat. A bunch of kidney. That doesn't really heal up. Surgery doesn't even take care of that. That's why you have two of them. I guess. Holy molly.

But he stabbed both of them. It's not the first time you suggested stabbing yourself to solve a problem you've been faced with. It's a recurring thing. He's a dog. He's got like nine kidneys. Whoa, is that true? Yeah.

Oh. It's the only explanation for why you survived. Quite frankly. So we need to decide are we going to Nookington? Are we gonna go through the woods? Nah, it's faster to go through the woods, but it's safer to go through Nookington. Unless we're worried we're gonna get ratted out and sent back.

Why don't we pull them out? So you can take the woods to Nookington, and so the question is then, do you want to take the road, or do you want to just cut across the main road from Drake Smith to Nookington? And just take the woods all the time. So do we go this way? Or do we go this way?

Yeah. Yeah. Around Nookington. Around No. What's the problem? Is there, issue with Nookington? I don't think so. We know that it's not eerie controlled, correct? Or do we know that that one is Eerie control? We believe it's

controlled by the cats. But we don't know for sure until we get there. Right. Because you've not been. We have not been yet. Well, if we go through Nookington, we can go say hi to Hazel in her entire extended family and you know see how they're doing after the double feudal. Yeah, we could. I'm feeling a little introverted. So I'm not sure I'm up for big family gatherings. And with the old coup back here, I think we got enough family for one lifetime. A double funeral?

That's what we heard. Yeah, it's not looking good. You think there's any single aunts in that family? After a funeral, everybody's always going to get three. We should take the woods. We should keep over. We should add, absolutely. We should go with the woods.

We should go to a double feud. Oh, bitch. Not get off, Dad. That's creepy. Don't be a weirdo, okay? Well, I'm saying, I'm saying if there's anyone single, any single... No, you're being a creep. You're being a creepy.

You're being a creepy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just standing here collecting my mac and cheese. Settle down, all right? It's a current year, Dad. Settle down. You're being a creep. Whoa, gosh, times have changed.

You can't just say that you want to go to a funeral and get on some grieving. ants these days. You can't say nothing these days. You can't. You can't. That's right. You can't. Whoa! I'm so embarrassed. Whoa, fine.

We're going through the woods, but everybody's got to, you know, keep their guard up, pay attention where we're going. You know, this isn't going to be a cake walk here. It's going to be a forest walk. That's right, and a dangerous one. It is? Yes. Why?

All sorts of things lark in the forest. I miss the lava lamp. I'm sure the lava land misses you too. Can we get you? We can't move on place. Should we pick up at least the boxes of mac and cheese? I mean, I could carry one or two. It would be food.

I can pick up a couple. Okay. I think we need water to make these like actual meals. So boxes split open. And then we also need some kind of milk. We definitely don't have that. Do cows exist in this world? That's a great question.

I've made a few cows, they're nice fellows. Oh, God. You know, most of us get our milk from almonds. You just squeeze the teats and then. Oh. Almond teats? Yeah. I've never been one to know much about milk and almonds.

That's for sure. Well, you can get a lot of milk out of just a handful of teats. Wow. Isn't there like a river to the south? We can get water there and then we can make mac and cheese after we milk some almonds or count. We definitely don't want to go out of the way. We want to stay away from the rivers. We've got to be careful of the...

It's dangerous through Nookington. It's dangerous through the woods and it's dangerous next to the river. It's dangerous everywhere! You know you then you can be living the dim wood! Well then let's fucking go to Nocington. to No, nookington. He can get laid. We can meet a gleaning name, Nicklew. No, I do not want to go to that side flight. That's horrific. I don't want to do anything about that. I liked that joke, Derek. Thank you.

Shit. Oh, shit. Well, fine. I'll just make a new sat control out of my old bag, all this stuff. Just make sure you only bring the mac and cheese, all right? Oh, my little bubble-headed dancing. Oscelot. Is that Oscelot? Is that Osolet wearing a hula skirt? What the hell is this? Oh, gosh.

Fine, I'll leave her too. What's an Osolah? It's a mythical cryptid. They've got this... They've got little hands. That's how she'd have to hold that ukulele. Yeah. Oh, it's like a little sloth-looking thing.

Yeah. It's a little sloth monkey. He's got hands. It's a famous cryptid. There might be... I used to come out into these woods looking for the Osolot. I had a bunch of buddies

that I used to be in a cryptid enjoy her and research a group, but we never found Trace of the Oscelot, but I know that she exists. Yeah. I know. Well, we'll keep looking. We'll find them eventually.

You know about the Osolot? They got little hands. They got little hands. That's the Osalot-Lazolittle, you know? They walk around and everyone says that it's just a critter and an Oscelot costume. That's not true at all. Who would do that?

Are you suggesting that there's an oscillot and an oscillittle, like a major and minor? No, no. That's just how the... How the mythos goes. It's about it's, they're off the little hands and they're off a lot of bodies. I see, all they have big bodies.

Even though they have little hands. That's right. The better to sneak into your window at night and steal your teeth and then put them underneath your pillow. And these creatures live out here in the woods. The way that's true. They've been plenty of sightings. I never had to travel through the woods before.

Just so I'm following. You're saying they steal your teeth, they put them under your own pillow so you find them in the morning. You wake up without any teeth. You wake up to your own. Like a gross little bag with human teeth and maybe a removed tongue. I don't know what a human is, but yeah, sure. What kind of message are they trying to send you? Don't?

Just watch out. Wait, and you're saying there's a wild assolat on the loose? You said that the oscillot removes your tongue? That's what I thought they said. Oh, my God. So the oscillauts that cobble. a guy from town. He had hundreds of people's tongues all up in that house. Oh, shit.

No, I don't know. I don't know. We gotta go back and kill Pendleton. No, he's good people. He's a nice guy. I don't know. He had souls and tongues in there. That seems like a hard thing to measure. There's no way.

There's no way old Pendleton. He has to at least be in league with the Osloat if he's got that many tongues. Where else is he gonna get him from? We'd have to be, we'd have to go. Pendleton the Cobbler could never be defeated. That's very funny. Okay. Everyone, I've had enough

shoe and foot puns. Can we proceed? I would like to try. I'm trying to get us moving here. Yeah, let's shake a leg. Okay. Now, we're just got to figure out a way to cross the river.

How many feet do you think it is until we get to the river? I don't know. I've never been a mathematician. Do we have to cross the river? Thousands. No, we have to just go north. Or does the day?

No, we don't have to cross anything. We can just go. We could cross once and then cross it again. Dad, have you been drinking? Oh, no, you're right. It's directly south of us. No, sorry, that's just me. Okay, well, I have done a little roughing it in my youth,

and I spent time in these woods looking for the fabled Oscelot. I never found it. Hold on here. So these boxes are all just filled with loose macaroni. Yeah, it's weird how they do that. Isn't it weird? There's a little hole in my bag. Actually, speaking of which.

Hold on. What say you if Quasimodo can tell the future with macaroni? Why couldn't one of us? I don't know where you're going with this, but there's absolutely nothing stopping you from trying. Well, didn't the Don say that he was born with a gift of Suf saying? Yeah, but I'm going to be honest, I don't really believe it. I'm the creator of the universe and magic. Oh, that's true. That's a good point.

Bitty is unhinged and taps into elder evils that not even. I can comprehend. I'm hinged. You're hutched. You're unhutched. Unhutched, yeah. I haven't seen my hutch in a long time. I hope everything that was living inside of it

is still alive when we get back. What? You left things living inside your hush. Yeah, you didn't tell us that there's something living in there. Well, it's just like, I mean... You wouldn't tell us what was in the hutch. Well, I told you enough

the secrets of the universe. And apparently living things that are no longer living. Well, like, I might have had like a lily in there and no one's watered it and it could be dead. Oh, you know this one time I was gifted for my birthday, a little succulent? You know, succulents, they exist in the desert. You don't have to water them, they're basically just invincible.

Well, I had it for a couple of years and I was telling my friend, well, thank you so much for giving me that fake succulent, because I kill every plant I come into contact with. And they said, what do you mean? Actually, this was Hazel, by the way. They said, what do you mean? That was a real succulent I gave you. I said, oh shit, and I started watering it

within a month it was dead. Oh no. Yeah. The moral of the story is, yeah. So it's like Schrodinger's succulent. As long as you believe it's fake, it lives. Yeah, I've had it for two years. But as soon as you believe it's alive, it dies.

I had it for two years before I found out it was alive and killed it. I'm sorry. Sorry about your succulent. No, that's all right. Anyway. We should get going. No, about the macaroni though. Do you think we should just throw it on the ground

and see if it tells us something? What did Booker say? I think the way he put it was great. You certainly welcome to try. Good job. Something like that? You nailed it. You got it. We could drop macaroni every few feet

and then we'd have a trail back in case we had to get out. I don't think we want anything trailing towards us either, though. Yeah. the Osloh could find us. Good idea. Don't do what I just said. You know what? I think that's fair. Let's not leave anything out of the world. We have to clean all this shit up. I've dropped it. I don't know how to clean up a lava lamp. It's all goodness. Burned in the woods. Just leave it. Just leave it. It'll be fun. Again, it's just going to look like someone got mugged. We're fine.

This is going to be a long trip. Oh, yeah. Very long. I hope in a few hundred feet we run into a cheap motel. Yeah, you and me both, sister. I'm not sure that. gonna happen, but we can always hope. You can always hope. It's getting hard. Yeah, don't worry, it'll be fine. It's noon.

Both me and my dad, we were Critter Scouts. Okay? That's how I learned, that's how we learned how to start fires. Fuzz Scouts. That's right, Fuzz Scouts. He achieved the rank of bearded dragon. Oh, wow. That's the top highest Fuzz Scout you can be.

Bearded Dragon. That's right. I only attained the rank of blue-footed booby. I was hoping to finish. one day, but it just kind of got away from me. That's funny. Yeah. I've got wilderness survival all up here in the noggin. It's all still there.

Good old Fuzz Scouts. That's how we start fires. We'll be fine. It's just a couple nights of roughing it. Wow, I'm so glad we brought your dad. I didn't know he was so handy and capable. And in my pack, I have a hammock. A what? To sleep in

a hammock. I don't know what you're saying. You know, one of those rope beds. Rope beds. You string it from one tree to the next, so while we're out here, if we're going to be roughing it, we can just sleep in a hammock. A hummock? Mm-hmm. I'll have to make me one of them. I don't think you could unless you were an incredibly talented rope smith, and you're just a pug.

Well, my inventory says right here I have 50 feet of hemp and rope. That's not going to be enough to make a four-blown hammock. Well, 50 feet? You know how long 50 feet is? It's pretty substantial. I pick up my realistic human foot. You would take 50 of these and put one right after the other and that's how long it would be.

That's a long rope. Yeah, but once you start tying it together into knots and it, no, it wouldn't work. Are your feet at the actual equivalent size of the foot? Yeah, absolutely. Those are gigantic, so small, such a small little problem. Oh, well, thank you, young blood.

I mean, your balance of, I mean, it's impressive, your central gravity's got to be. I mean, I don't want to take credit for my mommy gave them to me. Nobody can push you up, who was all I'm saying. That's true. That's true.

Lends on the ground like a drink. If Bendleton is the Osala, he's gonna take you first. I mean, it's all right if you wanna Maya them. They are quite the spectacle. I have a water skin and a Tinderbox, and one day of rations, and a pen with a bee on it and a notepad and a mess kit and a dart and a bedroll and a spelling bee winner blue ribbon oh actually i took this spelling blue ribbon you feel you took it from me yeah when

you were sleeping oh i'll just remove it from my inventory move to peggy yeah but i gave you something in return oh what did you get me a rusty knife there's some questionable stains on it but i think it was some clean enough it should be just fine thank you you're welcome well leave it to me to lead us through these woods oh of course mr. T raccoon we're right behind you like book said we were fuzz scouts I made it to be it a dragon I taught little Booker everything he knows so okay if there's a moss growing on this side then we gotta do it this way I think all right this way no one West is that way, Dad, West is that way.

Oh, oh, you're right. You're right. Okay, I'm still warming up. He's still warming up, right? Don't worry, I'm warming up. Let it all come back to you. Okay, I got my satchel of macaroni. Goodbye, hula assalot.

Hula solot. Maybe this is good for character development for me. Surely nothing can go wrong in these woods. Well, there's a lot that can go wrong in the woods, Dad. That's why we're being careful, all right? All right, okay, let's go. And he leads you. I need everyone to make a survival check to see how we do.

And what do you do as you spend, you do a full day's travel from about noon to when you can't. Not bad. Not bad. I got an 18. 18? What's the prompt? 15.

Survival. Just a. You're going through the woods. Oh. So how are you trying to assist in going through the woods? I would be trying to not fall and scout ahead, but use my hearing and my perception,

my heightened senses to make sure there isn't trouble coming the way we're going and not leading everyone into danger. Okay. I got an eight. So every time we will pass underneath a branch without hitting it, I make that observation.

We're going right under that one. I got a nine, so I occasionally have a panic or an asthma attack and slow us down for 15 to 20 minutes. Got it. John Claude and Gremlin? I got a 12 and I don't think I've ever traveled through the woods before camping. So very, very frequently I'd be asking for stop so we could take a brief sit down and I could massage my bunions that are growing. Roughly every time begging has an asthma attack.

Yeah, exactly right. I roll the 16 and I think it's a plus two. 18. Ah, nice. 18. 18. Okay. A woodsman.

A woodsman. I'm gonna go for Borough guard. Woodsman. He actually, surprisingly, starts to get it. And with Grumley sniffing around, with Booker's experience being a Fuzz Scout and his dad, the stumbling of the other three, allows you to actually make a fairly direct act towards Nookintem. We're going around. We're going around. I guess towards the northwest.

the northwest, keeping away, so going through the heart of the forest. Basically like equidistant between the river and the clearing. Yeah, and so you know when... The deepest darkest part of the forest. You know that these woods are... No access to water. While the edges of the forests are used for hunting of the creatures in the woods and foraging, the deepest, darkest parts of the forest are avoided by all denizens of the two.

dimwood because the stability that was brought by the Marquisotte and by building the roads and cutting the path through the forest to allow for much safer travel, it's not been done here. The things that lurk here have not dealt with civilization, in many cases, many years, if not, if ever. As the sun goes down, as darkness falls, it being autumn, the sun sets quite early, and you know that it is foolishness to try to continue onward while it's dark. You eventually make a camp, and the fire is crackling as the... It feels very eerie to be in the heart of the wood.

You know that if you had been able to just cut straight to Nookington, go along the road, you might have risked perhaps being spotted by soldiers of the Erie or the Marquis-Azon on the border, but you wouldn't have to feel. face the creatures of the wood. But now as you make your way into the heart of this woodland, you start to hear the snapping of branches, things fluttering overhead, creatures lurking around, chirping of strange insectoid larynxes as you never see what's in these woods, but you hear that this wood is alive and you are not alone. The fire. is crackling, what do you have to do?

Hey, you all right? Isn't it so fun? Oh, a campfire. It's going to be all right. When was the last time we've camped under the... I guess we can't really see any stars, but, you know, out in the wilderness, I feel like it's been clearing to clearing this whole series. Hey, it's been all right.

We've done it before. We'll do it again. We've survived every time. It's like the old days. It's like the old days. But we've... and dark in the forest. And I don't know if we've ever been this deep

and dark in the forest before. We have, we have. We've been through some rough stuff. And we're tough. We're tough. And you and your dad, you're wilderness experts, so you'll keep us safe. Experts a little bit strong,

but yeah, we'll get there. We'll be all right. You've been through these parts of the forest before. Maybe not these particular parts of the forest, but yes, we've spent nights in the woods, we've traversed so many deep dark areas. It's been fine. Well, that's good to know.

I don't scare. very easy, but I have to admit to a certain amount of unsettlement with these here woods here. Well, and I'll be honest with you too, when we did it before, you know, I was a different person. I was a lot more murderous, more willing to stab somebody with a dagger. Now I'm a lot more of a banjo guy, so, you know, we'll see how things shake out. Yeah, you would much rather jump on someone and try and snap the neck. That's right, which you missed that too. Didn't go so well.

Oh, you told me the story of the bare hand, trying to snap the neck. That's how we met him, fair. It would have been different if you'd have seen it. Well, yeah, that's what else? Yeah, you would have had secondhand embarrassment. Well, I've got a nice pot of macaroni cooking. Oh, yum dinner. Where did you get the water?

Well, I scooped it up when we passed that stream. Oh, that's fun. You always got to scoot you up. When you ever you pass a creek or a stream, you got to make sure you refill your water. Did you boil the water first? And I'm boiling it now. Before you put the mac and cheese in there? It'll be fine.

cook out. Don't anybody eat the mac and cheese. Do not eat the mac and cheese. Why not? Because if you don't boil the water first, it's not going to be good. It's going to look like Mr. Ledoux's desk. I could have sworn we're already out of mac and cheese. How much did we eat? What do you mean? I had days worth of mac and cheese in this bag. We haven't eaten any mac and cheese. Oh, there's a hole in my bag. Oh. What do you mean, Dad? We lost all a macaroni. You have got to be the worst bag baker I've ever met.

Well, the branch emaciated it. Another branch, it already happened. We did that already. You had it twice. Well, you're salvaging your ruined bag. I'm making you mac and cheese, and this is how you rebate me?

I'm just making an observation. As your son tells it, you're making dysentery cheese. That's right. That's right. Well, at least... The lawyer's right. Dissentary cheese. Yeah, I always hear about dysentery in the ranks of the gobble-gool crime family. I don't care about no dysentery.

That's pretty funny. I got a ration, though. I've got a day's worth of ration. We can all split. I've had it since we. You found me right outside of Pottesville. I've got a ration on my lower back. What is it?

What is it? What's that face? Nothing. Can we share it? What is that? Ah. Oh, God. I got.

Nothing, it's nothing. I don't have a ration anymore. I forgot. I ate it. So we don't have any food, is what we say. We've got no food? This is the last pot of mac and cheese. I don't know where the rest of it went.

But we're not eating that either. It's got distant Dereo G.R.D.R.D. There's no more food. We have to eat it. It will start. You're gonna be starving a lot worse once you eat that and you just shit all your guts out. Why would I shit my guts out?

Because he didn't clean the water before he made the mac and cheese. Oh, if you were trying to frame your brother. To be killed. What if we tried? Dysentery, Giordia, all those things. Those are serious illnesses. Is there anything out here to hunt?

I mean, I'm not really much of a hunter. That's definitely not by it. Well, and in the dead of night, I can't see five feet past my face. Especially since I've been staring into this fire. We're all practically night blind. Oh my God. Have you ever heard of the dark forest theory? What? No. What is that?

Oh, God. Looker, we're in a dock forest right now, aren't we? Okay, yeah, yeah, we are. So what that means is, when you're in a dark forest and you make a fire that everyone else, soon the forest can see you. Oh, no. And we can't see anyone. Oh, you're right.

I'm completely blind if I turn around. And the theory purports that our intentions are unknown to any outside observers. Okay, I'm following. And it would be in their best interests to kill us without asking questions for their own safety.

Ah, that does put us in a little bit of a pickle. Oh, God. Well, I can always set up my long. Oh, you could. Oh, could you please? You know, I don't mind. It's going to take me about ten minutes or so. That would be an

amazing piece of mind. Also, that was very eloquent of you. That was, where did you learn that? Oh, I've read a book about it. Wow, I didn't know you read books. Well, I used to. Okay. Well, I hope that we have more time for that in the future. Back when

they let me read books. Well, you can do whatever you want. Now, you're free. See, stopped, Mickey. Did you stop reading books? They did. When you get in trouble, they take the books away. Oh. What kind of books did you read?

What kind of trouble did you get into? Oh, just like fun books. You know, like... About Dark Forest theories, yeah. Well, you know, adventures or I don't know. If you want to read a book, I don't have all of them, but when I was a little girl, I used to love the babysitters cub. And it's a book about all these babysitters,

and they would just watch these little bear cubs all the time, and it would be about the cool things that they did and the off time. It's more for like young frogs and their early teens, but you could read them if you want. Oh, that's for little girls. No, I got, you a big boy like you should be reading the Charmaine Bears.

That's, that's... That's gross, Dad. Oh, you love the Charminstein Bears. What the hell? I don't know what you're talking about. You're freaking me out. Family of bears and lived in the woods and just loved shitting. No, no, no, no, no.

No, it was the Charminstein bears. What are you talking about? No, it was the Charmin Stain. No, no, I read those books. I promise you, it was the Charmin Steen. Well, why don't I just read both of them? You can have this. Oh, that's nice.

I bequef these to you. I did have it, but I ended throw it out with my junk. There's a whole pile of Charmin Stain Fares book. The stain was all the shit stain on account of them loving shit. If you look on the bright side, I thought it was going to offer the plays squirrel. Sorry, I'm sorry he ruined a really touching moment. Don't listen to what he says.

It doesn't matter who or what you are. You can read whatever kind of books you like. If the story speaks to you, so enjoy it. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This looks really fun. It is really fun. It's nice and wholesome. I hope the main character is the chosen one

and has two different colored eyes. That's my favorite. What'd you do to get in trouble to get your books taken away? Oh, just like, you know, various things that they would like tell me to do, like, oh, that guy spit on a guard. Can you go like kill him about it?

You're spitting on somebody? The penalty was death. Well, I'm like, oh, I don't really want to do that. Oh, can you go beat up this poor destitute family whose harvest was ruined because they owe the cat's tax money? And I'm like, well, that doesn't sound very friendly. What? And so I'd be like, I don't want to do that. And, you know.

And all they did was take your books away? Well, not just that, I'm here, you know. First, they, you know, they maybe give you less snacks in the mess hall. and then maybe you skip meals, and then, you know, they start taking away your recreation. And then they start removing you from interacting with, you know, your fellow comrades to break you down mentally. And after that, it's the newspaper. And then they eventually just kick you out. All right.

Why did you ever tell us about this? This is terrible. I mean, you know, it's, it's my fault. I mean, I'm the one that broke the rules. You know, my whole thing was to serve the Marquis up, you know, and that's kind of what I'm supposed to do. And so most of the orders, I guard real good. I'm really good at standing in one place and, you know, making sure that, you know, I'm present. Yeah, you could look in two different directions at once, which is kind of amazing.

That makes me such a good guy. Yeah. So they were posting up in a hallway. And so I could look down both sides of the hallway at once. Which came first to looking down the hallway or the ability to look down. the hallway. Whoa. What does that even mean?

Like, were you able to look down both ways in the hallway when you got started, or did you learn how to do it because you were trying to look down both ways? No, I think they discovered that power was within me the whole time. Wow. And they utilized it.

That sounds like one of those pro tags. You're like, oh, my gosh. You basically like that. I never considered that I was a chosen one as well. Yeah, maybe you are. Well, since I don't have two different colored eyes, I figured there was no way. I think there's a story about that in the servants.

Staying theirs. Well, remember when I was, you know, posted outside of Mr. Lidoo's office? Yeah. And I was guarding John Claude in case he got caught. And nobody got in. And I could see down both ends of that hallway at once. You know, that's crazy. That's a sad story.

I'm going to give you one of my books that I have suddenly because Chat made a funny recommendation. I'm gonna steal it from Chad. And I hand you a book, it says human morphs on the front. And you see an animal, and it just transformed. Holy hell! What's it turning into? A who man. What the hell is that?

A who man morph? It's crazy. It's all about magic. Where did you find this book? This thing is kind of shrieky. It's in the finish. That a book was banned by the ear. What the fuck is that thing? Is that a mammal without fur?

Fur? Someone has a wild imagination? Maybe you'll enjoy it. It's flicking and pick? I didn't know you were into like scary books. Try these goosebumps. Oh. That's very clever.

Oh, I don't know. That's pretty scary, Brumley. I don't want you to be scared. Oh. You might have nightmares if you read the goosebumps. Wait, this is a scary? It's a scary book, yeah. It's not just the bumps on peace?

That's about a ventriloquist dummy that comes to life. You know he'll's going to have nightmares. Oh. Well, I thought he was, Bidze gave him a scary book. I thought we should have. That thing is horrifying. I know. I look at the cover.

I would never let Booker read that. He did like his goosebumps, though, but Book, do you remember when we used to go to the Squar Lasting Book Fair? I do. I remember those times. My dad, it was good. And you always came with a stack of books, and I'm like, eh, just get one. I couldn't just get one. You can never just get one in a Squelastic Book Fair.

The covers are enticing something of that. The Squelastic Book Fair had this scent to. it, then nothing can ever emulate. That's right. That's where I got a first edition, Harry Possum. Really? Well, I used to go down in the Harry Possum. That was a good joint.

That was a good joint. Oh, I took Bookin there when he turned 14. You went to the Harry Possum. Yeah, I was probably a little young friend. Right after this everlasting book fair. Looking back on it, I don't think that was very good parenting. parenting. They had a great grilled cheese. What do you mean? You love the grilled cheese and the hairy boston. I was kind of scarring. I think that was inappropriate for you

to bring a young teen into the place called the hairy pussom. Oh, I forgot about the macaroni. It's a little dry and mushy. But oh hey, we got this powder. There we go. Should it be that neon orange? That's not natural. No, guys, I'm telling you, please don't hear it. Please don't eat the back in cheese. They ship it in. Please don't do it. What's the river phone company that brings it in? Who, knows what they say it's from the Hollywood. You know what? Well, you're eating that. I'm going to go ahead and set up the alarm.

Please do. For ten minutes, I'm going to go. Yeah, 20 foot cube around us, natural 20. Oh, wow. Plus something. Did she say that this book was about 24? Ventriloquist puppet that comes to life?

It's very scary. I shouldn't read that. I have a phobia of that. Don't please don't. You're going to be up all night. You're going to be bothering me, telling me, asking me, put on you awake, because you awake over and over again, and then I'm going to have to soothe you and calm you down and get you back to bed. Well, it would be rude to give it back, so why don't we just play it off

like I read it? Okay, just pretend. Okay, I'll pretend. Okay, communal mac and cheese pot. Soup's on. Here, we got you. And the great thing about being in the woods is you find a stick with a two points, and you break them off,

and you got a little spark right here, huh? See? Oh, no. Instant. It's a branch from like poison sumack or something. It's lips swell up. It calls up like vork chips. I take the, if he passes the pot to me.

Nature's spoon. I immediately, after he passes the pot to me, I'll pass it on and I'll say, I will be having sleep for dinner. Go ahead. There's nothing else to eat. Final warning, I wouldn't eat that. We gotta have dinner, Booker.

No, I'm fasting. I'll make this all tomorrow. But there's nothing else. What's gonna happen if I eat this? You might poop your pants. No. To death. You might poop your pants to death.

You don't like your old man's cooking. You loved the mac and cheese. It has nothing to do with your cooking, Dad. It has everything to do that you didn't boil the water first. You didn't clean the water. I boiled it in the pot. It's killing it all anyways. I don't trust it.

You know what those otters do with shipping up and down the river all day? Yeah, they shit off the side. That's exactly right, yeah. Bo's all past. Ooh. Oh, come on. I'm not going out to the bathroom by myself. Are you a big chicken?

You're darn right. Have you seen me? Have you seen this barrel chest? I'm a great big chicken. Unbelievable. Somebody's going to eat my cooking, huh? I wouldn't do it. I can't stop you.

You're free to do whatever you want. But I'm telling you, death by pants pooping is a bad way to go. What if I had just a little bit as a treat? Well, then you might little bit poop your pants to death. Why don't you take a lot of it? But Mr. Chanticleer poops his pants and he's a lawyer.

Well, not in my pants for all. Technically, he pooped in a desk. Oh, so as long as I put my pants down, it'll be fine. Well, no, he lived. You might not... I'm going to die. It's possible.

This mac and cheese could kill me? No, it can. More importantly... Are you kidding me? If you poop your pants, you're going to have to roll to see if you're burst into flames and your throat explodes. No.

Oh, no, I definitely don't like in your tall tales. It's always possible. It's like a one in one of a series. And so you're poop in your pants a lot. There's a good chance you just burst into flames in your throat. Bookie always used to tell stories around the campfire and fuzz scouts.

And this is, he's telling tall tales. You're fine. I was a pretty good storyteller, but this is real. I'm not making this out. Look, here's nature's sport. I made one for you, Kit. Does it win? Both of you make persuasion checks.

Oh, maybe. Player. I thought a plus five. Roll for me. Roll for me. Okay. See? Oh, 17 with my plus nine.

You got a seven. Yes. Yes! I should do the right thing. We would never go to battle with a big stomach full of of mac and cheese. We'll poop in your pants.

I'll be more vigilant. That happens after the battle. If I pass on dinner, I appreciate you making this well. Yes! Yes, in your face, Daddy, but I'll find more for me. In your face! I'm gonna go to this side of the camp and no one bother me while I'm eating my dupy mac and cheese. I got nature's sport. Give me that nature's sport.

Okay, Dad. And when you go over there, and you start a shit in your pants of death, don't come back into the camp crying to me. Fine, well, if I need you, I need you. Fine. Well, if I need you go over there, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. shit I can just dig a hole and use moss. That's what nature's toilet bag. Dig a big enough hole because when you die, you'll fall in,

it'll be a grave. It was in, and you had read, the Charmin State Bears, they're always wiping their ass with moss, and you would have known it. Get out of you, Dad! Fine, I'm gonna get out of here. I know, I'm going out of here.

God, more for me. So shit in that guy. Hey, as you have been setting up your arm, you place a lot. one cicada, ha! One cicada, ah! One cicada, ha! And you're placing them around.

You find macaroni. And you kind of look around, and bits as it, although it's dark, the moon is kind of shining through and you see that there is a trail of macaroni leading from the camp in the direction that you came, deep into the woods.

Now, well, that's where all of his macaroni went. Anyway, cicadas. You're not allowed to let anything in here that's tiny or bigger, you understand me, unless it is the five of us and Book is Dad. And I'm going to turn around and walk back into the game. Booker's Dad kind of scrumbles by, kicks one of the cicades. But it recognized them. So it won't yell.

Oh, fuck. But the other tiny and bigger things that make things that make things. way in and out of the forest does this want to do. It is going to be a very loud and uncomfortable night for everybody. That happens. I pull out my 10 darts and I find, make a little target like a knot in a tree and I, and I practice. I'm just trying to get the center as best I can as one does playing a game almost. I'm sorry guys. That was, I was crazy. I don't know what happened. That's quite all right. I mean, I don't.

And I couldn't believe he made mac and cheese like that. That's appalling, right? Oh, is there any mac and cheese left? No, he took it all with him, and you don't want it. I'm telling you, you don't want it. It's going to make you sick. I mean, I, why? Why?

You missed some family drama. Oh, tell me about what happened. Well, first off, speaking of the macaroni, yeah, there's a trail of macaroni coming straight into our little camp here. However, it's really dark, and I've got asthma. What do you mean a trail of macaroni? Yeah, because there was a hole in a dance pack, so my guess is as he was walking,

he left a trail of macaroni behind him. Like whole boxes or a trail of macarones? Like Hansel and Gratall, you know, that story? I still don't know what you're talking about. You mean to say all the way from town there's a trail of... Leaning right to where we're at, yeah. Beauregardes, Macaroni, and dysentery cheese

and all the way to our camps? She's referring to elbow noodles. Okay, all right. Well, so that presents a problem. Yeah, but it's too dark and I've got too much asthma for us to go out and deal with the noodles. Why is it a problem that he spilled noodles in the middle of the woods?

If anybody's looking for us, they're gonna follow the noodles right to us. It's gonna be like a pathway. Who would follow a trail of noodles through the deep dark woods? Are you crazy? That's exactly what I'd do. It's a noodle. They follow noodles in the dark woods.

It's a humamorph. That's like a CR 40 monster. Yeah, we'd be dead instantly. Follow noodles through the woods? I didn't know that. I wasn't in Fud Scouts. I don't think there's anything we can do about it. The trail is incredibly long.

And by the time, like, we could go off and clear it, but by the time we would be backtracking. We'd keep moving forward. And then honestly, by the time that we got midway, if anyone's following, they're just going to meet up with us, and they would see the light from our campfire anyway. So I suggest we just hope that no one follows the noodles. And if anything, the cicadas are going to scream,

if anything comes over the line. So we should be fine. So what you're saying is they will be the hunters in the dark forward. We should put out the fire. We should put out the fire. We should put out the fire right away. Of course and I don't dare put out the fire. I'm playing darts. I can't see without the fire.

That's the point. They will be able see us. Look, I can see in the dark. I can see in the dark. I can't see in the dark very well. But I'll watch for you. Be fair, you can't see in the light very well. We don't want they're going to sneak up on it. It's just like roughly saying. about it. I don't, listen, after all that talk about the creature that stalked the woods

and steals your teeth, I don't want to be hunted by a macaroni trail, tea stealing monster. The macaroni and the fire's gonna lead him right to us. Oh God, we should put the fireman. Okay, okay, okay. We can't because it's way too cold. It's much too cold. It is a brisk evening. It's just like a little chilly. It's not that bad. But it's a little chili with the fire blazing. We put that fire about we're all going to freeze to death. Like, as night descends, The temperature drops, especially in the shrouded cover of the woods. I don't want to freeze to death.

What are we gonna do if something stalks upon us and all the limbs are frozen, we can't run? I could throw a bunch of guards into them. That's a good point. Yeah, but you won't be able to if you can't see because we don't have a fire. And at this point, we can probably be seen from miles away so they know where we are, even if we did put our fire out.

That's true. Maybe we need to make more fire. I don't know. So they're scared. I don't know. We scared with fire. My votes put the fire out, but. Oh yeah, you know what?

He should have a vote. You're suggesting we set the board. No, more votes. No, we don't have any paper. We don't have any. We just raise no ink. It doesn't have to be anonymous. We just raise our hands.

Who's in for putting the fire out? Me? Booker wants to put the fire out. Who wants to leave the fire going? Oh, that's not good. It's a tie. Wait, how was it? What?

Somebody else vote for me? Well, I'm voting for putting the fire. Oh, you didn't vote. Yeah, you have to break the tide. What do you want to do? Oh. You abstain. Oh, convince me.

I've already said my piece. I said my piece too. It's we either we do it or we don't. Either way, we're probably dead. As a third option, I think we should make more fire. No, then we're just gonna burn down the forest. Then no one's gonna be able to follow us in the forest. We'll be dead.

Forest fires are no joke. I guess. I guess. They're a huge destructive force. They could take out entire towns. From one town to the next, the fire would rage. The smell of Flesh burning, popping, crackling, hair singeing, death billowing up towards the clouds.

It would be unstoppable. Someone who had the ability to do something like that could be a god, a king among men. A godfrog queen. A terrible godfrog queen. Death and arise, destruction and awake. One little fire stands no chance against the force of something like that. Let's put the fire out. Done. And I'll start kicking dirt onto the fire to try to put it out and get it as much low as we can.

Do you make a survival check to see how well you create a cold camp? Even though being in the Fuzz Scouts, my survival's not very good. Unless I roll a natural 20. Oh! Wow! You snuff, even the embers and the coals are completely out as darkness swallows the camp. I rub my eyes and I try to like get my eyes a judge. eyes adjusted to the darkness as quickly as possible.

It takes a couple minutes, but your eyes do get adjusted. And I'm like, as the moonlight, you know, there's a bit of moonlight between the can of you or in like some approaching the deepest heart of the forest. I'm peaking through behind trees. I'm looking and I'm trying to keep an eye out for things. In darkness, you can never see death coming up behind you. Oh, Peggy, could you stop saying scary things?

Can you see anything coming up behind you in lightness? No, but you could see things coming up in front. you, but you can't see anything in front or on the side or behind you in the dark. Okay, good. I was just checking, because I can't see behind me. If you were an owl, you could, because your head can spin around

160 degrees. Yeah, but that's not behind them because they're just turning their head. They're just facing a new direction. That's horseshit. This podcast is brought to you by our Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash legends of Aventris

and gain access to tons of exclusive perks including a monthly movie night and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign set on the high seas, shroud over salt marsh. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement,

The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons and Dragon fifth edition. And don't forget to snag all the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. Why is that one? He's smiling so big already.

He's got a bumro from the whole army of press. It's gonna be oscillates and hoot hoops coming out of the war. Here is the loud breathing and huffing and gurgling mac and cheese of Beauregard. As he in the darkness, he's eating his mac and cheese all by himself. And you're at the camp. Well, no, we can't play darts. That's fine. Just keep your eyes open for anything that might be coming down the pathways. But I need to close my eyes in order to go to sleigh.

to sleep. Well, they don't go to sleep. I'll stay off. I can't sleep. There's too much danger. But you need sleep in order to not die from not sleeping. But I know, that takes what, days, weeks? How long? I don't know. I'm not going to die from one night of not getting sleepy. How do you know? I've done it before. Can that happen? Well, yeah, but you have to, like, not sleep for like days and days on end, and somebody have to keep poking you and keeping you awake and say, hey, grumbly, don't fall asleep.

Oh, no. Oh, God. You're not going to die after one night if not sleeping. Well, you might. I might. Well, yeah. Don't scare him. I mean, I can't see it all. You should go to sleep.

I said the alarms. Why are we worried? We got alarms going. Oh, we do have those alarms. Yeah, we'll all wake up immediately if anything happens. I'll read you a bedtime story, okay? Okay, okay. And I'll take my armor off and I'll get curled up in this cold camp.

The ventriloquist pulled out his dummy box and opened it. Oh, okay. The two clasps made a loud shunk, shunk sound, and the top creaked open. Oh no. The puppet's not alive, is it? There's no way that puppet's alive, right? But before the ventriloquist could reach in a tiny ventriloquist hand slapped up on the top of the box.

The puppet's alive! Oh, good. Oh, wait, this is the wrong one. Oh! I told you not to read in that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, God. Hold on, hold on. Why was it in law, it was a puppet?

It's not real. It's not a real story. It's not a real story. It's all right. Here, I'll start again. The opossum who lived. They start reading Harry opossum. That's very funny.

Eventually I would go to bed unless something happens. You hear the voice of Beauregardes. What, Wander's back. Cold Camp, huh? That's smart. Dad, keep your voice, Dad. I'm telling ghost stories. No, no, we're watching out for danger.

Well, I heard... You apparently left a mac and cheese trail all the way to us. What? No, I would never do that. You did, the bag, Toro. That's why all the mac and cheese pour out of your bag. I would never do that. Well, not on purpose, I know, but it was an accident.

If we're telling ghost stories in the cold game... Dad, damn it! I never... What? What? Son, I never did tell you what... Me and... You remember...

You remember Uncle Clarence. Yeah, of course I remember Uncle Clarence. Yeah, good fox guy, you know. We were... we were pals. We were fishing buddies. We were... you know, we hit the track. Okay, where's this going, Dad? He also... he was also an enthusiast of the cryptids. Okay.

And I never told you this because I didn't want to scare you. Clarence and I went out looking for the Oscelot. Yeah. And he never returned. No. No. You're telling me that's what happened, Uncle Clarence. You told me he fell off a ladder.

He did in the manner of speaking. What do you mean from a certain point of view? But you really should make sure you don't go up a ladder that's not secured. I know. It's very easy to die falling off. I always make sure that Brumley holds a ladder for me. That's good. That's good, but...

Are you saying that you used the potential kidnapping by monsters of one of your childhood friends to teach his son a lesson about climbing lad? As a father, wouldn't you? Well, I think I'd teach him the lesson about not going into the woods. It's better his scarred the poor boy after what it was I saw in these very woods. What did you say? That I'm not convinced. We went looking for the Acelon. And I hate to say we found it.

Huh. 20 feet tall. Oh, that's more than 15 feet. Horrific long arms. And real big hands. Big hands? Short little legs.

Horrible glowing eyes. A terrible face, hairless, like some sort of hairless mammal face. What? But the little hands that take your teeth. Oh, they're there all right. In the thousands. All in its fur.

A whole colony of horrific giant centipedes with strange five-fingered hands. They're the ones that steal the teeth and bring it back to the Oscello. When it came upon us, 20 years ago, I heard Clarence screaming. Oh, God. I ran. What I saw that night, I never want to see again. What did you see? Were you listening to describe?

He just described it. He just told you. Like, square ends by square in. Was there like a lot of blood or viscero? If you're not careful with how you ask the questions, you can start the whole story over it. No, no, no, don't start the story. I mean, like, about your friend.

Did you, like, see the evidence of it? Was he like a bloody pork? Was his neck broken? Was his head from me? I saw the shadow. Was he skinned alive? He was taking a leak in the woods. And I said you shouldn't go that far, Clarence.

And he said, nah, I'm fine. I'm a loud pisser, so I don't want to wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, Uncle Clarence told you that? Yeah, why would you tell you that? Why would you share that detail? Why would you share that detail with a friend of yours? Well, he said he was a loud pisser.

and so he liked to go far into the woods so he wanted to be embarrassed about pissing so loud. Do you have to keep... Suppose it's something you need to know about her. Do you have to keep pronouncing pissing the way that you do? And he went so far from the camp, but I can still hear him piss. He really likes to attack it. You're spitting all over our faces. It's almost like you're pissing on us.

Some say on quiet nights you can still hear him pissing. Some quiet nights exactly right. I'm saying the Osolata. He was snatched by the Osala. He's still pissing in fear. Pissing with no teeth. I don't believe any of this. This is a stupid story.

Uncle Clarence fell off a ladder and that's all there is to it. Did you hear that? That sounds like someone's pissing out in the forest. Oh my God. Is it really? I think I hear it too. I don't hear anything.

No, I think I do maybe. I think I maybe do. Oh, there it is. Oh, me too. You, Terrence, is that you? I think I definitely hear it. Oh, my gosh, what day is it? Today is the anniversary of his disappearance.

It's been one year? It's been 20 years to the night. So it's the 20th anniversary? The 20th anniversary. Oh, wow. That sounds like 20 years. Death of Clarence. The Oscelot got him.

He got more than he bargained for. Pistin for 20 years. Years, that's a lot. That's a lot. You know after, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh.

Oh. Are you all right, Mr. T. Raccoon? Yeah, just a little bit of a, oh. Sounds like you got a kidney stone or something that pop. You all right? Zibachiaz, the Magun. cheese coming back. No, I'm allergic to all this pollen out here.

It just doesn't agree with me. You're turning red in the face there, Mr. Raccoon. I'm fine. I'm fine. Poo. Oh, come on. The dog, of course, farted. Why have the dog farted?

Hey, don't you find that on Gronley. No. Come on. We're on mixed comedy. They're a ladies present. You don't know grumly enough to be blaming that on him, all right? You don't know well enough. Who the hell made Beauregard shit his pants?

I think... Bologar made Beauregard shit his pants. He made that mac and cheese. I told you all not to eat it. Oh, he definitely shit his pants. No, I'm just... It smells like he shit his pants. I'm just gonna go off into the woods to have a thing about old clearance.

I keep bottles away. You said. Yeah. He's just taking tiny steps. Yeah. Yeah. He's being very small steps. There's a loud squelching noise

of that very stuff. I told you guys. I'm glad you listened to me. Finally. You really know what you're talking about. I know. I'll be all you. And you'd all be dead.

And I'd be the only one. Your dad's a real loud shud. Also, other words did not get killed by some mythical creature. He fell off a ladder. Is he screaming about shitting? Probably. Just ignore him.

Just ignore him. I said something about someone named Margaret. Oh. Wait. Is he in trouble or is he just? Oh, I'm sure he's in all kinds of stuff. This is trouble. I'm in trouble.

Yeah, yeah. He's on his own now. He's on his own. But I can do it on my own. Oh. I think we've all been there. I'll be taking that. for his corpse to fall in.

Oh, God, this hole is way too small. But we're not gonna bury you when you die, old man. Oh, I hope I don't die, miss. It's very likely. It's very likely. Should somebody play some music or something? I would love to, but I haven't been able to buy a new banjo. It is gonna be just absolutely all wild if we did all this, all the theme, all the flim-flamming, all the misdirection,

misdirection, all the faking on deaths. That's what I'm trying to say. To save your death. For nothing. Only for the whole not big enough. To be fair. Chats is right. And you do have to roll a D-100 because you shit.

That's true. You have to roll a D-100. If you roll a one, you burst into flames. No, it's a, I thought it's a one. It's a one. It's 100. If you're all 100, you're a hundred, you have to 100. You, you know, you burst it up.

You're your throat explodes, that's right. Your throat explodes, that's right. He's good. Okay. Are you sure about that? Sure about that? You sure about to get real hereditary? Oh, okay, guys, we're gonna go.

Oh, this is just like my favorite Charminstein Bears book. Sherman Steen, but. And he's just groaning. Cook stupid meals win stupid prizes, I always say. Can you ever see that Janossi major image about Sinbad? What's a major image? Oh, you know, it's a...

That's all the thing in this point. No, no, no, no, it definitely is. It's where you go and you watch a... You like a watch a play, but it's built with major characters. Oh, a play. I've seen tons of plays. Yeah, yeah, but in, like, new-fangled cities, they call major images now. Oh.

Like moving images. Yeah, and Sinbad was starring in one of them. Who's Sinbad? I told you. was a genocis. I don't know what that means. What's the genocin? Oh, what's the genocene? Oh, boy.

Oh! I think it's a certain type of gerbil. You're the only gen I see. That's very funny. Ooh, boy. That's pretty good. Hey, Booker. Yeah, what's up, Gawley?

Do I... Do I piss loud? Uh, why are you asking you this, funnily? Well, I'm just wondering. I've never really heard it, you know, said that someone could be a loud pisser as opposed to maybe a normal or quiet piss. I can honestly say with 100% accuracy that until this single moment I've never thought of it, it's never come to my attention, so probably not. But what if I am a loud pisser?

I think we'd know. We'd all know. Peggy would have said something to my mouth. I attract the ass a lot. You're a loud breather. No, you're not a loud pissing. But what you... There it is. What do you mean? You bring a little laugh.

You can't hear that? No, I don't know what you mean. Sounds like a bunch of gravel in a metal bucket. We might as well relive the fire. But I hear you from front of the point and see us. But I don't piss loud? Not that I'm aware of it. Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, I was so worried. No, it's not the sound of your distance. The problem. You know what? I'm never going to be able to teach him out of bury his own poop. It's gonna be all right, buddy. It's gonna be alright. It's not gonna be all right.

We're not talking about you, Dad. Oh, boy. You did this to yourself. You have no one to blame but yourself. Oh, who could be responsible? How could this happened? You, you didn't boil their water. I didn't want anything right.

Your dad really doesn't like responsibility of any kind, does he? No, he doesn't, which is why he's in this mess in the first place, and I didn't even want to take him out of the damn clearing. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I suggested it. I was just trying to help your family. You were trying to do the right thing. You all mixed up in family drama.

No, I got you all mixed up in family drama. This isn't your fault, Brumley. It's mine. I should have known better. Yeah, but we could have just let your dad, you know, get killed by the various powers that be that I want a dead. And what kind of son would that make me? Not a very good one.

No, you're right. You're right. No, we did the right thing, and I don't want him to die. He's your dad. I tried to not let him eat the mac and cheese. He just doesn't listen. He's so stubborn. You know, it's just like he thinks he knows everything.

So, I mean, with that all that being said, what's the point of you taking him to a new clearing? He's not going to listen to you about now gambling. I understand that, but I had to try. Wait. You think maybe he should have just left him to his own devices and just let the Italian family have a crack at him? Otherwise, I wouldn't have done all this if I thought that. Here's the thing. He doesn't listen to you.

He doesn't listen to you, but maybe if Peggy took a close off and suggested things, maybe he'd listen to her. I mean, maybe, but we'd want to get to the clearing first, right? Yeah, but the thing is, it's just too cold for me to take my clothes off and I'm all out of suggestion. No, I don't mean like right now. I just mean in general once we get there. He's also mean shit in other business.

What? What? Oh, I'm grapin. I'm grapim! Oh, thank I were not swimming. Oh, boy. Once we get to Potsville. That's right.

That's right. Legally distinct. Oh, boy. And then maybe you can just do what you can and convince him this day. Well, and things are kind of boring there, so hopefully there's not much trouble for him to get into. leaves after we've done all this, what can we do? Yeah. So here's the thing. We're in the middle of the woods, and somehow he ate

dysentery macaroni and cheese and is now shitting himself. Right from the river. This is the most boring of a place anyone could ever go. I don't know. I think the woods are pretty exciting. So I think... Is that what you call it? I think throwing your dad into any kind of town is just asking for trouble. Like I said, had to do something. You made the right decision.

As our faithful leader, Oh, I wouldn't call me that. You've never let us astray, not even once. Not even when we decided to put Nestor in charge of safety and security of our music. Well, I'd also remind everyone. No one could have seen that coming. But everyone was in jail. Not even Quasimodo.

He wouldn't have had the foresight to see that happening. Not even when we decided to throw our lot in with Alexander Hamilton. no offense and all the perverts. That was just poor judgment. There's no excuse there. Even when we decided to get mixed up with the assassination of the Vice Roy and Click Clock Crossing,

we didn't make a single mistake because we had you as a leader, Booker. Well, these things happen. What can you do, you know? You win some, you lose some. You just have a knack for things. It's all I'm going to say. You've done a great job. Well, I think that our choices are a problem for tomorrow.

and we should all just lay down and get a good night's rest falling asleep to the dulcet sounds of Beauregard T. Raccoon shit in his brains out. Oh, Sherry! Oh, Sherry, baby.

Oh, God. I'm gonna just try to keep my eyes out for things for a bit. We know it, but good. Good night, Crumley. Good night, Betsy. Goodbye.

Good night. Good night. John Claude. Good night. Good night. Peggy. Good night, Crumley. Good night, Mr. T. Raccoon.

Oh, good night! It's got to be a long one for old Beauregard, T. Raccoon. Should we check on him at all? He's probably dehydrate. Just, water's not going to help at this point, especially any of the water that he brought in the river. No, I got to be. A big cup of water from the river, I'm drinking it, don't worry. Well, he's definitely gonna be dead come sunrise.

There is no saving him now. That's, it's over. It's all over. Oh, yeah, I've got a whole bunch of river water. Oh. You all fall asleep. No watch, correct? I'm gonna try to stand for the alarm.

We have alarm. But not all night. Okay. We have alarm, so. You wait. Beauregard comes back, stumbles back eventually. It's like another hour.

Yeah. And he comes back and he looks, hey. He was... Bales a raccoon can look. He doesn't say anything. He's trying to look proud. He's deflated. He's deplated.

And he just kind of... He just kind of grunts at you. And then he has the remnants of his sack. And everything... He pulls off. And bundles. All depleted. Once he's back in-gamped, I would then go to sleep.

If I didn't see him. Tonight's episode should just be called remnants of a set. As grumbling, I need you to making Perception Traffler. That advantage. Oh. Wow. Here, let me over one. Yeah, yeah, I did.

Perception? That's a 12. Not bad. Hold on. That is. I'm a dog. I think I'm proficient as well. Yeah.

10, 11, 12, 13, 14. You wake up in the night. As you see the moonlight shining down over the camp, you see that everyone is a count and four. And then often to the woods, you hear rustling. And you realize you feel yourself kind of like shake a little bit. And you hear some rustling. A good hundred feet. That's just...

Maybe short, closer. This happens. The sounds of the woods. That's what Booker always says. And you kind of feel a little bit of rumble, too. Rumble in what way? Like, you're... Like, the kind of ground beneath you shakes a little bit.

Oh, fuck. Surely I must be dreaming right now. Mr. T. Raccoon is asleep and not shitting himself. I'll pinch myself and surely wake up. You're rumbling, and then you hear a loud snap. Oh, my God. Booka, get up, booka, booka, get up, get up, get up. Ah, I don't see that.

What? Get it. What? What is it? Do I hear anything? I think it's the Osala. Make a perception, shh. Quiet, quiet. like on the perception? Yeah.

I got a seven. Seven. You see nothing in the woods and then the ground shakes beneath you and you hear another loud snap and it sounds closer than before my mind. I don't see anything. I don't see anything at all.

There's nothing out there. There's what I'm saying. You have dog vision. You're dark vision. I say there's nothing there. I heard he told them. I shouted out loud as the first thing. I said, I have docked vision.

I don't see anything. Oh, so maybe it's just the sounds of the woods and the rumbling of the woods and the branch snapping. What rumbling? I didn't feel any rumbling. You feel the rumbling again under on the ground and make another perception check at advantage as you use your dark vision to peer through the woods. Much better. 20 total. Dirty 20. Dirty 20. You hear a snap and you are staring. Your eyes are now adjusted after waking up. It's crumbling. You can see nothing. But Booker, you see a head and you see something move through the woods. And it's very, very subtle movement.

And you look and all you can see, you realize now why you hadn't seen anything. You had been watching and looking at the creature that's lurking not very far from your camp. but you had thought it was an enormous tree. As you see that this tree doesn't have bark but fur and pallid skin, as the fur moves as if something is crawling beneath it. And you realize now, as your eyes, that what you are seeing far off,

which might have been a larking person, is simply a knee. As you look up and up and up and up, and you see the moonlight catch on a glinting eye and you see that there's an enormous creature hiding behind a tree but the tree is maybe a quarter of the width of the bulk of this enormous hulking monster and you see that it's looking at you almost with shining yellow eyes a almost no nose to speak of a horrid face of,

you don't know what a simian is, but it didn't look too dissimilar from the hula girl that your father had had. As you see an enormously long, shaggy arm, and you see as its eyes are very clearly looking at you past this incredibly tall tree. It's over 20 feet tall, as it is looking at you with a broad grin

of horrific, sharp teeth, as it is just standing there. What is what you say? I look at your problem and I say. There's not really out there, right? It's like, don't panic. Okay. What I want you to do is calmly get Bitsy and Peggy. I'm gonna get Sean Claude and my dad

and get ready to run. Well, hold on. My heart's on to go, who? What do you mean, run? If I say run, just run, okay? All right? What are we gonna run from? Oh my God, go get them.

My doctor said it's just, this one I started to scoot, keep my eyes on this creature, I started to scoot towards John Claude. And when I get it, Ah! As you, get out! As you, you are,

there's a monster! It's the house of! As the cicadas start screaming, as you all hear rustling from all sides of the camp, as you are all of you who are sleeping immediately wake up from the shrieking cicadas, as Beauregard is screaming as the cicadas scream, as this cacophony suddenly erupts all around you.

What do you all do as you're all awoken and you all hear this? Oh, my God, get it! Yeah, I would be screaming and saying, like, we need to run, we need to run, we need to run. I'll grab my pack. Wee-woo. Oh, God.

I would try to see, is it standing in the way that we need to go? If I know which way West is, like having a rough idea of where we were traveling? You make you a very quick survival check to see if you can't even get a sense of your bearings. 14. 14. You see that it is in the direction towards the deepest part of the wood, that you are attempting to go. I would immediately be like, north, pointing north to be like, we need to run north. And being like, go that way, go that way.

I just disappear into the woods. You all start screaming as you're all waking on. Biddy Jussie just as well. Okay, good, bye! As you all hear the rustling, as suddenly around through the moonlight, you see what looks like moving through the underbrush, the size of hounds in our world,

these huge centipedes, all with grasping, pallid, bony hands. As you hear the snapping of a branch as suddenly you turn around as you see, you hear the as a massive boulder is flying from the direction of the beast towards

your camp as the oscillot and its horrific centipede minions attack and that is where we'll end this action. Oh, shit. Oh my God, we're being a told about monkey trouble. Oh, my God! There's nothing we can do against the CR-75 monster.

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