Legends of Avantris - Uprooted | S2E8 | What We Do in the Shadows

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

After a narrow escape, the party stumbles upon a castle in dark...   Gain access to an exclusive campaign, Shroud Over Saltmarsh, over on Patreon: https://legendsofavantris.com/patreon The Crooked Moon, a folk horror supplement for 5e, is available for preorder! Get the Crooked Moon at: https://thecrookedmoon.com/ Watch more D&D adventures in the world of Avantris live on Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/legendsofavantris Check out our merch store: https://shop.legendsofavantris.com  Join our community on Discord: https://legendsofavantris.com/discord Watch our many campaigns on YouTube: https://legendsofavantris.com/youtube  All other links: https://linktr.ee/legendsofavantris   Watch the full episode here: https://youtu.be/Q9ixhPbD7Oc?si=Y0gsKTB3uiqgyJam

Welcome to Legends of Aventress. You know, I'm Peggy, and you're listening to Uprooted. Here's what happened last time. We're going to get you a nice place to stay. You're going to stay out of trouble, and then I'm going to move on with my life. It's dangerous through the woods, and it's dangerous next to the river. What I saw that night, I never want to see again. What are you saying?

I saw the Ossema. Were you listening to subscribe? It's just described. Yeah. He just told you. The moonlight catch on a glinting eye. There's an enormous creature hiding behind a tree, but the tree is maybe a quarter of the width of the bulk of this enormous hulking monster. You see that it's looking at you.

A broad grin of horrific sharp teeth. I look through problem and I say, there's not for you have to, right? He's like, don't panic. Okay. gonna do mom is calmly get Bitsy and Peggy. I'm gonna get John Claude and my dad and get ready to run. There's a monster!

It's the Aesoloc! Cod! As a massive boulder is flying from the direction of the beast towards your camp, the oscillauts, and its horrific centipine minions attack. Booker is screaming at you to get north. As... Scalawads!

Scalots! The three of you are awoken. As you hear the skittering of these massive centipede-like creatures all rushing towards you. This was supposed to be a fun Halloween-themed thing back in October. That's right. I don't know if you remember this. Oh, exactly. Yeah, that's why I went to the spooky ones.

Yeah, October. A series of fun spooky Halloween-themed. You were telling ghost stories. January spooky times. Very January to the dark. As you start, as you, the three of you wake up as a. What are you all doing as this massive rock is rocketing towards you as another one

crashes through. And I'm gonna see, I don't have any dice, here I do. I'm gonna see if it even comes close. Oh God. Oh no. It does. I ain't everyone in the camp to make a dexterity saving through. A massive boulder, rockets through. I got a crooked moon, a natural.

You got a crooked mood? I gotta give it up. I gotta get it up. Okay. Not bad. So that'd be a 24. 25. 16? Well done. What the fuck? You're level three.

25. The adventurous array does work. I got an 11. Oh. Oh. No. A natural crooked man. I love that.

Is it in my character? What was crooked? What was crooked? Oh, I'm not signed in. Grumley. Where's your iPad? Oh, it's downstairs. I shouldn't have gotten it, but I didn't think about that.

You're the CEO. I know, I know. Why would you let it leave the studio? Stop taking, stop taking studio equipment out of the studio. I was working downstairs. That's a security risk. That's a security risk. You take 32 points of bludgeoning damage.

62. 32, you're fucked. I'll protect you. No, no. The moment, the moment. No, come out lay! I would immediately. I would turn back and try to pick him up.

I don't care. I don't care what happens. I don't care what happens. I would try to immediately pick up his broken body. Are we close enough to see this? You're all over the king. Yeah, yeah, you're all there. You're just with my shoulder.

Oh my God. And begin to run. Is he like, is he like, are you red mist? Like what happened? Are you fucked? I think I'm down. You're definitely down. No, I'm down.

I had like, wait, how many points? Because I have 24. I have 31 hit points. No. Immediately. Immediately, I'm out. Okay, I pick you up and I begin to move you. Hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait. Are we, wait, wait, wait, wait, are we, hold on. D&D and we're playing some D&D. If this, if we're actually playing D&D, hold on. We are playing D&D. Hold on, 31. Although I'm gonna throw this out there, this would be literally perfect with the board engine.

I know, it would be. We should. We should. Yes, we should. I'm a board man now. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I've been converted. I'm a boardman.

of folks. Okay. As the, as you hear the skitter, and the shittering of, shittering. Yes, the shittering. Horrific things that we're living in the fur of the ocelot are sloughing off of it, like bad, disgusting scabs from beneath its fur, as they are these scabby, horrible,

huge centipedes that are skittering towards you. So, if we're playing by these rules, we are. My stat block is technically a half. and I have relentless endurance. You do. When you are reduced to zero hit points but not killed, you can drop to 1 HP instead once per long rows. Pug fat.

Yeah, 100%. Pug-G-G-G-G-R! Oh, I stop what I'm doing, and I immediately run back to Grumley, and I help you up! Get up! Get up, Ruffling! No, no, put your honor, you're going to have to run! And I'm just dragging him.

I'm gonna start dragging him with me. I'm gonna just dislocated. It's like, ah, no, your flat face is even flat. Oh my gosh. It's con-gave now. Borg, just imagine, come on! Well, where's it coming from? It's very clear.

The rock just smashed Grumley and then flew and continued to smash through the woods in the direction. All right, well, how far out do you think they are? We gotta follow the direction that rock came from. We're gonna go towards the rock. We're gonna go and look at the way. You very clearly see Boker and Grumbley running away from the rock. North towards the Hinton.

Come on, it's gonna be okay. I got you. I got you, buddy. You got any of the mansions? You hide us? He would do some damage. You do something. We am scared. No, I mean, I suggested a couple of things today.

I'm feeling quite tapped out. When you get them back, come on. Are we going towards the rock? Oh, my God! And I'm not going to following from the rock. I'll run following. I immediately catch up to them too. I'm incredibly fast.

So you're attempting to run. As you begin booking, as you hear their, They're trying to skitter up the trees and they're all jumping all around you. It's like in our one hangout stream where we said if you were being chased by 100 Bitsies, how nightmarriage in the woods that would be. That's awful.

It's exactly what that would look like as they are chittering and laughing and following you, as you turn back and you see that horrid grin on the Osolot with its strange hands as it looks for another boulder. You hear a stomp as it begins to pursue you as you begin to run. However, you realize that Beauregard is nowhere near the game. Fuck that guy.

Oh, no. There's nothing that can be done. He's a walking death trap. Why'd you stop? No, I didn't stop. Why'd you, we keep on him. You thought this. It's no time!

It's no, I alerted him. I told it, I told him. I told him my dad he had to come. He can't run. He's shooting himself. He's trying to run, she used him at the same time. It's hard. He's an adult man. He can figure it out himself. He's in a adult.

Don't! Run! Run! Oh, I can cheat! And dysentery! Don't forget the dysentery! And I need, you're leading. I need you to make a survival check to see how well you get. Plus two. How are you, how well, and I'm gonna need everyone to make either an athletics or acrobatics check

to see if you can outrun. Okay, it's dark, even though I probably have some level of dark vision. I'm disoriented, we're under duress, we're under attack, I got a 13, it's hard for me to do. Okay. So you really know what we're doing. Are we playing 2024?

We are playing 2024. Sorry, calm down. I just rolled a natural one, which in addition to my lucky halfling feat, uh, feature allows me to re-roll it anyway, I gain heroic inspiration automatically. Oh, yeah. Keep that in. Is that still a thing? Yeah.

Oh, cool. As far as I know. So I get an 11. An 11, okay? Yeah, I'm too worried. I got a 13. I'm too worried about grummelie. I'm too worried about everything that's happening.

Yeah. I got an 11 as well. Oh, 25. Okay. Do I need to roll something else? Oh, I can roll for John Claude. Acrobatics or athletics. John Claude fails horribly.

Acrobatics, I got a 24. 24. What's his bonus? What's his bonus? Probably very high. Athletics. Athletics? Five plus five.

So he got an 11, too. So three of us got 11. I turn because I see that he's dragging behind. I run around Booker and then come back and I try to grab John Claude. We're in the same spot. Okay. As I will say, 25 here.

Oh God, where's my notebook? Well, I'll use this. Let me roll for the centipedes. John Claude. They got a natural one. Words aren't gonna help, come on. As you all go back and you realize that you are gaining distance, but they are keeping pace.

You are not able to escape. As you run through and you see. We can see them. They're kind of all around. They're toward the back and through the, the moon is piercing through the canopy of this dark wood, as you are able to see glimpses of them as they are skittering towards you.

I don't know what we're gonna do. All I got is this rusty knife with questionable stains on it. What? Worker? Yeah, crummies, okay. I think it's an us a lot. Yeah, no, I think you're right. I'm a phobia of those.

Yeah, me too, I'm developing one. You see that you remember that you were keeping pretty close to the river. Can you pull up the mat bridge? That's right. And that's, I think, the other thing we were using to orient ourselves to try to go, oh, fuck, no. Yeah, we were like directly under Novolution.

So, you realized that you, as you approach this clearing, there's a bunch of offshoots of creeks, that basically you see up ahead that there, you hear the babbling of a river, of a creek bed to your left. Up ahead, you see a clearing through the woods, and to the right, you see a bit of a ravine that goes down. What direction are you all going towards as you see that is you're trying to escape? So basically that would be south, basically kind of more towards the south, directly west,

and then kind of towards the north. You're saying one of these pathways does have a, what appears to be the woods are thinning and there's some sort of clearing up ahead, some sort of some sort of a small grove and the like. There's a kind of more of a ravine or hollow to your right. that's more north towards Nookington. There's a creek bed towards the left, towards your left, which is more south, towards the river. I think I would stick to the plan of trying to go north and head towards this, this, this, this hollow, this room.

The ravine? The ravine, yeah. I think that's what I would try to do. I don't think I would stray. I think that Booker would try to stick to the plan and go north. Try to get out of the woods as quickly as possible, as the crow flies, as they say. Okay.

You all make your way, and as you push through, you hear the skittering of these things, they are keeping pace. And you see now that this ravine, it opens up and goes really deep and starts to actually get a little tight where you would have to go single file in order to proceed.

And you would, I would ask that, how are you going to, basically, are you going to cross, are you going to go through? How are you going to approach this ravine that's ahead of you? I think what I would do is why, I would make sure that Grumley is towards the direction that we need to go and that he's more or less safe. And I would turn around and basically plant my feet

and look all around at these creatures that are coming at us. And I would look to see, do these centipedes? Do they just look like centipedes? No, you've seen in your woods of bugs or the, bugs are kind of like the lives and the animals of the setting. And so you've seen centipedes of all of the animals.

varieties. These are mutated. They have the same a simian gran and the simian-looking face of the Oslox. Do they look they have ears? Yes, they have little ears too. I plant my feet, and while hopefully Grumley is assessing some of the situation, I begin to look all around at these different creatures, and I pick one, and I point at it, and I say, you're the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life, and I point to another one. You're missing some of your legs! I point to another one, I point to another one, I start firing off vicious mockeries at these things. To the best of my ability, hoping that they can hear me and maybe understand me, and try to slow them down as this onslaught, this wave of creatures is bearing down us.

Your father never loved you. You look like you're missing some promosones. You can buy my pops to go anywhere. Bumling, not now. Let me have this. I need you to make a better performance check for me, and I'm going to roll a group saving throw for them. Oh, boy, with a plus seven, I got a 16. But because we're so very, desperate. I'm gonna use one of my Bartik inspirations to bump this up. Because I forgot like to do that. Gotta give it up.

One Bartik Inspiration, 1 D6, come on, baby. Not bad. So that would be a 19 total with the Bartik Inspiration that I spent. 19 total, okay. That is enough as you start to hear them saying, their heads are exploding. Guys, they are shrieking as they're exploding as you see that gore and that gore and viscera inside. Shockingly, you don't know what a human is, but human-like bones are

exploding from these centipedes as they're falling from the trees. Why are they exploding? Go, go, I'll handle them as for as long as I can. Go! How can you do that? As if you're going to go into, are you guys going to leap across the ravine or go into it? That'll determine how... I'm like, you should have set me on my way. Yeah. And I'm just like, I'm just going straight. I'm trying to go as straight as I can. And I'm I would just like tumble into the review.

Okay. I wouldn't try to like leave, but I wouldn't try to go around. I would go down and then up. Okay. Make an, everyone make an athletics or acrobatics to see how well you navigate this thing. I'm gonna wait to go until I see that they're making progress

and then follow behind. Don't they're trying to hold these things off. Yep. What are we rolling? Athletics or acrobatics? 13. Oh, much better. Oh, 25.

16. 21. Oh, for my athletic for my acrobatics when it's trying for me to cross. Okay. You do that. And a Grumley attempts to shimmy down.

And he actually tumbles and rolls over. And you see him like a bowling bowl start to roll down into the ravine. And suddenly he disappears into darkness as you are crumbling crack as the earth gives way underneath him. And

disappears into the darkness below. Grumley, you fall into darkness as the earth crumbles as you fall into this strange network of tunnels that seemingly exist beneath this forest. Do I take any fall damage? Oh, you're currently falling. I'm currently falling. Probably.

That was very hard-dard. Hold on. Come in you, everybody. Are you okay? I'm gonna. How have I flavored my lay on hands? How have you flavored it? You've mentioned before that you were like a combat medic,

but I don't know if you mentioned specifically lay on hands. Licking you. Yeah, that's great. When I tumble up supposed to cover my head, so. I protect my head and neck. And only on it ends. That's so sad. You can feel bad about that.

I'll do five points. This is why you should never have a dog protagonist. Only five points of helix. Five points of helig. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw disadvantage because of your current state. The rest of you, the four of you. The centipedees are exploding.

Actually, seeing the gorn visceral, I'm going to do a, I'm going to go a break tech for these guys. We do, is it current, what do we do for Salt Marsh? It's not courage. Moral. We do morale checks in Salt Marks. Your art sucks. You don't have any friends.

They seem to be existential. You'll never be good at anything. As they realize that even despite being horrific creatures, the thought of just existing and having no purpose in life awaits all of us. Even horrible minions of the Aeselon. You're gonna die alone! As they start to get shaken, they slow down,

and they pull back a little bit. It's working! It's working! How's it going to go on? down there. As you see, the Grumley's gone. The three of you see that. I'm on the other side of the ravine. I jumped. What do you mean Brumley fell? He rolled down. He rolls a lot and you do bottom little.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Ah, ah, ah, and I guess I would go after him. Using my a acrobatics roll of 21. Okay, okay. I would attempt to climb down to see if my friend is a broken bag of bones. John Clark, can you make people of heads explode by insulting him? I say I don't think, so I didn't particularly learn that way. Not a book and do that. I don't know, but it looks as though words are in fact helpful. I can't insult them to death, but I can throw a bunch of acid at them, and so I'm gonna pull out my acid sack.

Oh. And I'm just gonna start acid splashing them, which is also a camtrip. Yeah. There are ones that are like within five feet of each other. I can do two at a time. Okay. So I'm just, you get some acid, you get some acid, and I'm just gonna throw. You do an Alcana check for me just generally.

Seven. Seven, okay. Well, no, no, no, it's more than that. I just have to figure out. 12. I'm gonna do a group saving throw. 12, 12. Oh, as they, as you, as they start to fall, Booker,

you go in, Grumley, you fall down, you snap and hit, and what would you get on your saving throw? A four. A four. You take 10 points of bludgeon. Ah! I'm jumping out. I'm jumping out. The earth, a plume of dust, rises up

from the underground tunnels as Booker. My lip hands are still covering my head and egg, but I'm knocked out cold. As you hear the screaming, the two of you hear, ah! Ah! You know, I'm not the Super Croker, so it's on my back and I'm just, Oh!

Biggie! Don't do that hand, but do the hammer. Why don't you put me the same is on there. That's the one. It looks. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is a super croaker.

And they're like, ah! As you see, as acid is hitting these centipedes, and the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and, and, and, and, and, like, and, and, like, and, and, like, flesh is pouring away, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's being revealed beneath, as they're collapsing, as they are, uh, are being horribly massacred. I think I think I prefer the insults exploding air technique. What do you say, Vincy? I can't hear you over the massive amounts of death.

Also, also, I'll say, we should have should have just killed that one guy. And shit is ready to give to just have who did who do eat boehem fish, who did tea boathis to have his fucking neck

and put his fucking cheese? I'm going to pull a John Claude to try and get him down to the ravine. As you're screaming, you see a look through. the woods and you see this oscillate way behind as it has seemed to be protruding but are pursuing. But as you see it's looking behind a tree, its large terrific eyes are looking at

you, this, this glowing yellow, almost like two moons. We all see this. Well, you're kind of, it seems to be like locking in on Jean-Claude as he's having existential crisis. Woo! Damn! I need you to make it was insane. It's like a finale of chicken on. I fail, probably. I have failed almost certainly.

Oh, golly. I'm definitely... It's a terrible kill, I just want you to know. I believe it. I'm definitely... Has had an ocelot? I'm going cuckoo bananas! I got a nine. A nine. You take ten points of psychic damage,

and you are paralyzed for one minute. With fear. Oh no. Ah! He's like a fainting group. Geez. It's going very well. I need you to make an acrobatic check

to see how well you land into the darkness. Sure. Okay, you're catching John Claude? Yeah, I love a lot of birds. He falls on me and it takes me a moment for me to get enough leverage to scamper out, but I eventually do and I see that he's completely paralyzed. And then I just roll him down the ravine

and start to follow down. Make an acrobatic continue to do this. Peggy is standing holding the line like that one mech from Matrix Revolution. Oh my God, yeah. That was awesome. Wow. The swirming mecks.

24. 24. Oh, yeah, you are able to basically roll John Clausy follows. I wouldn't be able to push him, but I have a powerful punch. There's actually a massive groove where it rummily rolled and he slides down very easily like a gulf.

Like a golf ball down in many cars. Baby, come on down! I got a 13 to get down to Grumley. You are going to take two points of Legendary damage. As I hit the ground, I look to see if I can find where Grumley is. You land on top of him. Gromley! Grumley! Are you all right? Oh, no! No, no, no, Brumley, no, no!

And I will, I'll kneel down beside him, and I'll cradle his head in my arms as I begin to sing softly in his ear. Once there was a way, to get back homeward Once there was a way To get back home Sleep pretty darling Do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby As I cast Cure Wounds at a second level To try to bring him back Oh man I can't you do that Four Plus one is five

Plus five is ten points of healing I think you roll one more die now. Oh, really? Let me double check. I'm probably not on 2024, so we'll just say it's one more. There'll be 13 points of healing. Golden slumbers fill your eyes. I go on and on and as this light begins to bathe them.

One more even. Wow. Smiles awake you when you rise. 16. Is that you? It's me. It's me. Somebody's singing the dung beetle

Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry, and I will sing a lullaby. I'm fined it's gonna be okay, buddy. Stay with me, stay with me. As you suddenly hear, as you come to the second, as you're midfall into the darkness, how did you, both of you to make next during, all three you to make next staring,

all three need to make next staring, since it's, he has just pushed. Disadvance. On top of you, yes, yes. Oh, come, please. Oh, we're good enough. I got an 11.

13. Uh, the eight. Eight. Oh. You each take six points of bludgeoning damage. As you all tumble into each other, as John Claude falls on top of both of you, as you tumble down. It's Bitsy. I need to make an acrobatics check to see how well you jump into the cave.

14. 14. You are able to land very gracefully despite all of this. Black Widow pose and then I jump back up. Hey, are you guys okay? They're in a big pile. Peggy's still up there. I have to come down. Shh, shh.

Sh, Book is singing. Yeah, I'm just singing. It's okay. Are you all right? You got to get up. The song's over. I can sing more later, but you got to move. Is this the Oswald still there?

It's up there somewhere. We can't stay there. All of you here? Awful sizzling and popping and like. As Peggy is massacred them, what do you do? Let's go! I'm like slowly having back towards the hole, and then I'm just gonna frog leap into it,

so I can jump 20 feet just automatically, and then the rest are- Making her back take advantage as you leap back. Did you overcome your paralysis? Nice. Just broke out of it. So, 12. 12.

You are actually managed to land in the hole gracefully, and as you're doing that, you see all the centipedes, they're all rushing towards, As you're leaping back, they finally break through as they go towards the ravine. However, when they see that hole in the darkness, their eyes fill with fear. And they all scream and skid her away.

I scared the shit out of them. They got so scared when I jumped in here. Wow, you're not looking so good. They was so scared when I jumped in here. Are you doing all that? They skidded away. They just ran away. What was that stuff you were spraying him with?

They were melting. They were coming apart. Well, yes, magic. Oh, so your words made their heads explode. I don't understand. That doesn't make any sense. There's no time to question it. We got to make sure we're okay.

We've got to get out of here. I'll say faces were melting off. Heads were exploding. And Bitsy pushed me down and turned deep dark hole. Well, you weren't going yourself. I feel chicken fried. Where are we? Have any of you guys ever seen the movie The Descent?

No. What's that one about? Oh, you love it. I'll tell you guys about it later. Who's in that one? Is that the one with a Kristen Stewart? No. I'm thinking of something else.

My nose feels funny. How do I look? My face is gone. It's not that bad. It's all right. It's going to be okay. It's going to be all right. How much did you heal me for it?

It was 16 total points. I had to put a number on it. That's pretty good. You need to do one of these, like... Oh! Oh! Oh! Does that work? You know, if you just have your teeth removed and you get some of these and I pop out my teeth,

then you never have to worry about that kind of stuff ever happened in it. Oh! Fron have teeth? No, that's why I get teeth there. Oh, smugs! Look at that! Bluff! Bluff! Bluff!

Blunt. Pops back out as I'll use five more points of lay on hands. Beautiful. Oh, I feel really kind of fine. You got them all. Did you get them? They're not coming in here. No, I horrified them so much that when I jumped in here, they were like, well, we're just gonna give up

and they ran away. All right. Well, that's good news. Okay, all right. Good job. Which means we must be completely safe and in absolutely no danger down here. Do you think the Acelot will come down here? Not at all.

You should have seen how quickly they ran. I don't think it could fit. It's pretty big. The big one was really big. I don't think you can get down here either. I don't know. This hole's pretty large. We gotta, we gotta get out of here.

John Claude came down, came through like a hot dog down a hallway. I'll say, what is that, man? What are you incendiary? You know, like a hallway's really large. And if you take a hot dog and you just throw it down a hallway, just whoosh. Like doesn't even hit the sides and just slides.

Well. The hallway would never even know. I mean, I took up a little bit more space than that. I think the whole, I mean, you know, I guess grumbens. Well, we're here, okay? We gotta find a way out of here. It's too dark down here, and we gotta, we gotta get out of here.

We gotta get back up top. Can anyone see? I don't have dogfishing. Well, you know, technically it doesn't say that I have dark fishing. No, I can't see. No, no, I do. I have dog fission. Oh, oh, thank God.

Oh, thank you. I should definitely have it as a raccoon. I can't dancing lights. Oh. go. Oh, wow. And I just light all the candles on top of my hat. Here we go. Is there a scene in dissent where we light a match and there's a bunch of horrible monsters around us? Do you have any matches? Jokes on you. We are the monsters. I've got this rusty knife with questionable stains. Why do you keep saying that? Because this is my inventory description. It's funny.

No, all right. Whatever makes you happy. Wait, what are you dancing lights? They just have candles in the brim of my hat and I just light them. Oh. Oh. Well, now I can see. I'm gonna look around. Make your perception check, a disadvantage. My internet is really struggling. Oh, maybe I do have dark vision. Oh, I have a way.

Now you see better. Actually, I've decided I have a jar of lightning bugs. And so I let them, I let them loose and they illuminate. 12. That's very cool. 12. You look around and you see that you are in, uh, a cave. You can hear the skittering and the rumbling of the

oscillot from above. But you look and you see that this cave system seems to go in all directions around you. As you see, you just hear the faint dripping of water but it is incredibly dark. And each tunnel

that goes deeper into the earth seems to yawn almost. Gosh. It's so nice to find a place that's safe. We're in like some sort of underground rock tunnel system. My condolences, Booker. Yeah, no. He was right there.

He was right. I warned him. He was screaming. He woke everybody up. We took off. He was right behind me. The next thing you know, he wasn't. No, I'm sure he's okay.

I don't say that. There was no way someone could run away from that with so much shit in their pants. I'll say he's totally dead. I, you know. He's impossible. No. The dad's not dead. Normally, I'd agree with them.

You know, it's impossible for anybody to survive that situation, but, you know, it's just he's unkillable. The man's unkillable. You're not feeling uncomfortable like something's about to happen? Oh, is it? It's dark in here, right? I'm dark vision. Now, I also have dark vision. We all have dark vision.

I also have all of my magical illuminations. No, I just wanted God to know that I'm talking about. Okay. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. I don't know. Do you hear me God? I think your dad might be okay.

Look, worse things are. tried to kill him. I mean, look, that was bad. Worst things are trying to kill him. You didn't see that. That was bad. It wasn't pervert mansion bad, but that was bad. All right, we've seen some, we've seen some things.

That was pretty bad. It was pretty bad. You had it worse than that? And a pervert mansion? Pervert mansion was at least three times worse. Then, then... He was bad. I say, then evil assolars having the faces melted off.

And you blown up hands with words. That was just another day that ends in. Why? The pervert mansion? That's a different tier. You don't even want to know about the perfect mention. I should have stayed in the courtroom. Bitsy ate someone's penis.

Well, eventually I spit it out, but... What do you mean eventually? It took him. You know, he used a couple chews. You saw the evidence, locker. Oh. It was like that. It was like 10 times.

See, that was definitely worse than whatever we just experienced. He won't even talk about it. He's able to talk about the Acelots. But he can't talk about the... the evidence lock, you got a glimpse of the unglimcible. Once you've been in the outskirts of the Hollywood, you can really handle anything. The Oscelot and those weird scent of human people, they, they, they were a,

what's a human people? What's a human? They were on us the whole time. They were, they were, they were, they were focused on us. I think that your dad might have slipped away. That's actually a really good point. They might have been detracted by his smell. It's very possible.

It's very possible. Their ears were on the sides of their heads. I've never seen anything like it. Oh, it was madness. Horrified. Oh. It was even worse when it was melting off. Sizzling, the popping, the smells.

I'm glad I missed that. Anything else hungry? A little. Hock did eat. Which way should we go now? North maybe. How many tunnels does there appear to be around us? Were you able to see

to see. I got a 12. A 12. It's just Rocky Caves and all. Yeah. I need to know more about what you're looking for. What are you trying to deduce? What are you trying to discern?

Fair. Maybe we should find that water tripping. Yeah, I mean, going to a source of water isn't a bad idea. I mean, we don't want to drink it out right. I think we all learned that firsthand. I tried to warn everybody about the dangers of dysentery and Giardia. But is this, like can't you drink natural spring?

Like, as long as it's flowing of something, you can drink it? Right. Look, I'm no survival expert. I don't claim to know anything. I just know that I don't want to eat mac and cheese made with dirty river water. Well, that proved to be true. We have to face the possibility that we'll never get out of here and that we'll starve and die. I saw a map of the woods once, and it was missing people, overlaid with the cave system, and they matched right up. You knew there was a cage system here? Yeah, I mean, it's right underneath Nookington. It's called...

Nookington. And it swallowed people up just like it swallowed us up? Yeah. So we're gonna go missing forever? No, of course we're not. Well, at least I'm not. Oh, your dad can file a missing person's report.

Oh, he'll never do that. That'll never think. Until he realizes that we might have money and can bail him out of trouble, we won't even cross his mind. Look, four out of five people who go missing in caves live. So we're fine.

Well, some of us will be fine. Statistically speaking. I think most likely Grumley's going to be the one that goes missing. Me? And then next is going to be John Claude. I'm going to feel already on this one. I don't know when I'm lying. Sadly, I hate to say it, but Book is probably next

because he's the most heroic of the both of us. And then it's really just the coin toss between me and you. I don't have any coins. Yep, I'm surviving. So, do we want to go towards that water or not? Well, even if we do go missing forever, we could start a society down here. Oh. And, you know, build some little, like, cave huts out of, like, you know, broken wood like they did in Pinocchio inside a whale's stomach.

Are we aware of the existence of moles? Um, oh, that's a good question. I would say making history check straight. That's very interesting. 12. 12. I would say, you know, you never met a mole. You maybe have heard about people talking about rumors. Yeah, rumors. Listen. Yeah. I heard a rumor once.

Moles. I got one of those on my ass. Not like that. It's like a mole, like a, like a creature that digs tunnels just like these, maybe. Rumors. Who knows if they're true or not? Would I have, apparently a... A mole was mentioned in season one, episode three. So I guess you know of moles, maybe, but I've never met one.

Yeah, I've never met a mole. Thanks for just making that up, chat. Did just snakes exist and uprooted? That's probably. You know snakes also do this too, right? They could swallow each of us whole. The point is, we might not be alone down here. I hate snakes.

Are you saying there's a chance that that Oscelot wasn't in fact afraid of us, but afraid of... Oh no, he's definitely afraid of us. Okay. Well, in the event that he wasn't. No, it was definitely me. Could there be something else down here?

Is that what you're saying? Certainly. But if it's moles, they might help us. They can get us out of you. Do we know if moles are good or bad? Well, I've never heard anything bad about them, just that they may not exist. I think they wear, like, fancy clothes with billowy sleeves.

You think? And like, the little boots that are poignant at the end, you know? Wouldn't that get in the way of digging? You would, I would have this puffy sleeves would not, And then why would you dress like that if you're down in the middle of the ground where it's super dark and no one can see what you wear is? Then they get dirty. No, I don't think they dig. I don't think they just live down here.

Oh. Well, how do they make the holes then if they don't dig it? Oh, I don't know. They'll probably just hear the whole time. The holes were here first. The holes were here the whole time. I mean, we didn't dig these holes and here they are. Then who dug the holes?

Nobody. They were just there. What's more ancient than the mole people? Who moles the moleman? What? Whoa! That's deep! Whoa! We all have enough information.

We're just speculating. That's true, I mean. What else are we gonna do? We're in the middle of a mole hole down in here. I said it was just a rumor. Mole hole. Let's pick a direction and let's go. Let's want to write a song about moles.

Maybe. See if inspiration strikes. I don't know. Well, towards the water then. I mean, you do you hear that, by the way, when I was just completely annihilating their faces with my Supercroca, someone was singing the dung beetles. I see, no, I was paralyzed. I was by fear and pushed down a hole.

I didn't hear a dag on thing. It was lovely. It propelled me forward to continue to incinerate. It seems like a strange time to be singing songs. Yeah, who would do that? That's crazy. Terrible Eldridge Osloid abominations are throwing giant boulders at us. That's nuts, but you know, when inspiration strikes,

it just, you know, it's this. It does. It does. It does. Well, I mean, it could be a great concert. I'm just saying, I'd sacrifice my seat. If Osloid started to attack the arena, it was held within. I'm sorry that I push you down the hole in your paralyzed state.

Well, it's okay. I don't even remember. Are you hurt? I was so stricken by fear, my whole brain turned old. Are you hurt? Yes, quite a bit. Where are you hurt? My most of me. Stopping.

And you heal. Stop it. He's hollow bone. You heal nine. I push all these. It's like a massage person. Oh! There you go. Oh.

I'll say that. That's quite nice. I thought that might help. My pleasure. Well, thank you, Benson. How much do I help? Nine. That's pretty good.

All right, fearless leader. Lead away. Yeah. Lead us as we build a new civilization under ground. Also, teach me the secrets of how you can say words to people and then their head explodes. Or we can just go to sleep right here

because I'm still tired. would be the mole people now. You're a pug. Yes, but in spirit. I don't want to be a mole. I need the sun. I don't want to live on the ground. I feel like a puppy shirt would cut off a lot of your neck.

I don't think it would be a good look for you. Oh, well, it depends. Maybe there's one that's a nice deep V. You know, that would compliment my lodge. Like with a frilly call. Oh, Philly? Yeah, I think a mole would wear that. I could be a mole person.

Are you gonna wear some nice cups? Oh, with the little like frilly bits too. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. In a pointed boots, I gotta find one of those. What about a cod piece? Have you ever thought about a cod piece?

I've always wanted one of those. I think this is perfect. They only gave us mackle pieces in the army. I think you were made for more. I've always aspired to more. Happy birthday, David Bowie. All play. That was some chat.

That was from chat. I listen for the sound of the dripping water that Bitsy has mentioned. Make a perception check, straight. Come on. Ten. Eh. Eh.

Eh. A 10. What I will say is that it is the way that this cave is echoing. The water is bouncing. But what I will tell you is that it seems as if, as you kind of look around and you take your time, that you feel like there are basically three different primary major tunnels that you can choose. But beyond that, it sounds like the water could be coming down any one of those

three. With only a 10, you're not able to discern anything more. I can't, I can't hear which way the water's coming from. Sounds like it could be anywhere. You kind of echoes in here. It does. I think we should just go to sleep. It echoes. Echo, echo, echo. I'm just, saying the word echo over and over. Echo, echo, echo. Oh, it does. Echo, wow. Wow.

Wow. That's crazy. That's crazy. It's like, is that what I really sound like? It's not what I really sound like? Yeah, that's what you sound like. That's almost a perfect replication. Anyone notice how Bixie is the only one getting an echo?

That's because I'm yelling. Go in the direction of the echo. Whoa. Whoa. We'll go in the direction of the echo. It sounds like it's coming from everywhere. Yeah, but I yelled in this direction. Oh, so we should go that way?

Let's go this way. That's just good direction, Assammy. Here we go. It's got to be better than here. And we go the direction that is that way, and the way that the echo is coming from, and that Grumley also pointed in. I am going to need...

It's essentially a random direction. If you'd like us to roll... Someone can roll a D3 for me. I got you. Yeah. Oh, wow. One. Okay. As we walk, we pass Gandalf and giving a heartfelt speech

to a young, Hobbit while Gollum watches, but we don't interact with them. We just continue walking. That seems like a personal moment. If you watch the movie, you can see us in the background. This is weird cartoon cast of characters just like way in the back. One in five, we don't want to give them an opportunity. Yeah, that's right, that's right.

You got to increase our odds. Walk. But the Dark Forest Fury. And you... You know about the dark forest here? Very, very, very... Bixie. Yeah?

We gotta take him out. We gotta take him out. We have to. Young master, trouble. Remember we're just talking about your dog forest earlier tonight? Just be real quiet. I'll be right back. All right, all right.

It's like a very tall... What kind of animal would Gandalf be? He would be a, he would be a, he would be a storm, storm, oh, okay. I was just saying sturt. I was thinking an owl. A stoutleff storm crow. Yeah, he is an old crow.

He's gray, he is gray feathers. As he's leaning over this small woodland, a shrew. True. Yeah, shrew. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, there's me.

My name is Grandolf Storm Crow. I am a wizard. sorts. Oh, I'm afraid of the dark grand Al. Neither of them hear anything, but all of a sudden, you just see Pitsy's hands break both of their neck really fast. Probably trouble the ground. No, there is nothing to worry about. But I'm sure I saw that nasty rat and then,

Ah! Oh, no! And then I scurry back to Grumice. All right, we can go. Oh, wow. Take care of them. Thank you. What is the dark forest?

Well, we were just talking about it earlier today, around a campfire, remember? No. Oh, well, I feel better without them at our backs, I have to say. I'm glad you just walked over then. That's exactly right, where if you encounter any stranger in the middle of the woods, it's the safest route to kill them before they can kill you. Also, I got this ring. It probably looks worthless, though.

I suppose I... Then again. Why shouldn't I keep you? Fine, it's keeping. There's no, like, subterranean maritime salvage laws. It's just good business. Subterranean salvage laws.

It's all yours. I'm going to add the one ring to my end of the ring. You have a ring. It's a small golden ring. The next time we talk to Bitsy, he'll just hold him like, yeah, it was around the neck of the middle of the little bowl. It's not like that could talk.

Ew. And it's so it's soaked. That's very funny. We continue down the tunnel. The look of their dead eyes as you looted their bodies lingers for just a moment and you completely forget them. I'll never forget. I remember everyone.

Oh, God. What do you mean? You don't know what the one ring is, D&D beyond? What about you continue to walk. And you begin to get tired, you realize you never finished your rest. You went to tag pretty reasonably as you go down tunnel number one. As you, as you begin to walk and walk, how long do you walk? How long do you walk before

How long are you seeking to walk down these tunnels that feel almost endless? I think that after we would walk for maybe a good 30 minutes, if we don't feel like we're making any progress or getting close, closer to the sound of the dripping, I would stop and reassess. Guys, guys, guys, I don't think we're getting anywhere. This all sounds the same. It doesn't sound like it's getting closer. It doesn't sound like it's getting farther away.

I'm really tired. And, calves. It's everybody. It's all of us. It's fine. All right. What were you saying? I'm tired. We're not getting it. We're lost. At least what we were, we could see the above ground. Now we can't see anything. We can see the terrible Oscelot Abomination Monster. Well, we could. Now we can't. Now we're just underground.

Well, this seems like as good a place as any to start our moment civilization. I don't want to live down here for the rest of my life. I'm with John Glock. We need the sun. I don't think we have a choice of this. point, Booker. We need food and water. We're missing persons, so we should accept our fate and make the best of it. No, we have to fight on, we have to, we can never give up. Yes, we'll never give up by building a civilization of Mormon.

I'll say Peggy was right. He was the first one. What's that supposed to do you hear of water? If you declare yourselves a missing person, I think that you are then, in fact, a missing person. Make a perception check and advantage. Hmm. We might have to make camp.

I don't know how much longer we can go on. We're pretty banged up. 19. Is it banged a bang? Banged up. It happened in the past. It already happened. We weren't banged or banged.

And included if I can. Drier, colder, any sort of like moth or things on the walls? Certainly colder. Colder. It feels colder as the Cavern tunnels have seemed to open up a bit. As you listen, you hear that there's the faint dripping of water as it's gotten considerably colder.

It almost is starting to get overly chilly. It's been in autumn, but it's almost starting to feel wintery down here. As through this tunnel, as up ahead, you do hear what sounds like movement. the occasional skittering of something along the walls and the floor of this tunnel. And the, almost the occasional, does it sound like the skittering of the forest that we experienced with the oscillates or a different skittering?

A different kind. Oh. Do I hear the help? Only Bitsy's heard it. Oh. You guys hear that? No. No.

I heard some like water dripping. It was like, like that. Oh, right, okay. And then I heard some skittering, and it was like. Oh, oh. And then I heard this like, ooh, oh yeah, just like that.

Oh, wow. Has anyone ever told you that you have a knack for mimicry? That was amazing. I was so real. Well, you heard enough a dog? There are dogs down here? I heard something. It could have been like, I don't know,

some kind of, a wooing beast, I don't know. I think only dogs are wooed, Oh, I'm away. Yeah, but you don't skitter, so that's weird. No, well, no, I don't think I skitter. I have a question. Would you stop barking along if I started singing Phantom of the Opera? Wait.

Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't really control it. It's sort of just, you know, the music takes over, and I just have to let my feelings out. No wonder the two are you friends. We get along well. Got a lot in common. Yeah, we're all friends.

Yeah, but you're, Do I want Booker got something a little special. Oh, he's my best friend. That's right. No offense to the rest of it. I mean, that's okay. None of us are really friends with John Claude. We just met the guy.

Well, I was going to say that. Well, we just met yesterday. And he's regretting this decision immensely. He's still one of my best friends. It's purely professional. No, it's not. No, it kind of is. No, he's a dear friend of us.

How? No offense or anything. Well, this is a little hurtful, but... I'm sure we'll get there in time. It's just... Well, just we don't have to ask so many questions. We had a very... lovely Italian dinner together.

Yeah. He shit in the desk drawer of that gar we don't want too much. I was pretty cool. I said that was a good one. Book of suggestion, of course. Teamwork, team work. Somebody had to do it. Have we ever slept through a night with you around?

Yeah. He saved us from the hangman's news. That's pretty good. I mean, I think of playing about that. I don't know to tell you this, but they were building a gallows. They were. They were. And you got Booker off a lot.

Quite a bit. Well, just the one time, really. That's all it takes time. All you eat is once. Drumley. Can you roll a performance check for that, how well? Oh, performing. Oh, no. Oh, no. I think my charisma's pretty good, actually.

You were a pal. I believe it. Performance you set. Oh. Hold on. Oh, I did it. Sometimes he gets a little hooked up. Performance is a... That's a 15. 15. Okay. Okay. Not bad. Just... Nooted. So, what do we think?

This is a good place for us to try to, you know, bunk for the night. You can't get ground on our first... You really can't get that out of your head. I mean, what else are we supposed to do? We try to find a way out, Brumley. Oh, there's no hope. Oh, wherever you ever bits he said. There's not enough of us to start a civilization.

Yes, there is. The second generation would be a... But after that. Monstrous. It would be a nightmare. Genetic mistakes left and right. Yeah. Well, they must have solved it.

Who they? The maybe, the main people? We don't even know. We don't even know if the real. I want to go to bed. All right, well, we could just curl up. I really don't want to create a second generation with any of them. Rightly.

So can we just go to bed? I've got a bed and we can all just curl up. Just curl up? I mean, what, we would create a frog. Can you imagine the abomination that would? Hmm. And we would make a power. How would that happen, though?

How do you create a second generation book? A fracoon? That would be absolutely terrible. You think about it. That's a story for another day, probably. The best chance that we have is a fricking, and I don't want one of those either. Oh, oh no. Oh, wait, you're a fru- we'd be fru-sta, right?

Well, a rooster, just a mayo chicken. This is gonna give me a nut. Me too, could we go to bed? We can go to bed. We need to us. Oh, I can't get it down. I don't know what that is. I don't know that.

I don't mean to. A distant how coming in the direction that you're heading as it echoes through the chamber as a large, a very deep howl. Oh, it's Warwick. Oh, you know someone down here? Oh, it's Warwick. What the hell does that mean?

We'll see the lot first, and then there's a bunch of smile. No! How can a dog live down here? Well, I mean, we can see in the dark, obviously. We've got good noses so we can sniff out food. I bet there's a whole civilization of dark mold people down here. We should keep going? I don't know.

We shouldn't go to bed now. How do we know that there are any good? Can you, can you, like, sense the intent of the howl? Does it feel ferocious and threatening? Or is it like a welcoming? Like, oh, come on down here? How do I perceive it? Make an insight check at advantage on account of being a dog.

I think that's a 13. Wait, me it'll check. Insight use, oh, I'm proficient in that. 15. 15. You listen, and as you listen, you think about all the dogs that you've known, and you can tell this certainly isn't a dog. Wait a minute.

What? Well, no, no, no. I think about the cambo. and sort of the kind of gutter at the end of the hound. I don't think it's a dog. What? What do you mean it's not a dog? It howls like a dog. Sounds like one, right?

Would I have heard like Wolf Howl? Is it like a thing? Would I know about wolves or coyotes? You would say that, yeah, you would probably know that this is very much the how how howlopal of the wolf. I don't know if you would have met a wolf, but you would have like, it's kind of like how fantastic Mr. Fox looking to thinks of like, you know, wolves are, they're really cool.

Guys. What? I think it's a wolf. What the fuck is a wolf? Oh, you've never heard of a wolf? No. They're like dogs, but way like cooler. They're like the original dogs.

But they're so free, like nothing holds them down. They don't even have to wear clothes. I mean, that sounds like a good thing. That sounds amazing. Oh, there's nothing holds them down like laws of decency or animal kinds. No, not at all. To be fair, none of us have to wear clothes.

It's a choice. Well, it's just animal decency. Okay. But my point is, they're free. They can do whatever they want. Well, it sounds like we're in good company then. What are they doing in a cave? If they could do whatever they want.

Maybe they want to be in it. Maybe they want to start the first dog civilization too. So are they kind? Do we have anything to worry about? Oh, it would be fine. I mean, I've never met one, but I've heard all about it. But you know that they're kind and welcoming and they're not like oscillates, where you just know.

Yeah. And they don't ever, like, crash into houses and eat roosters or nothing like that. At elementary dark boarding school, we used to, like, you know, stay up late and read stories about them, sort of, like, in the same way, like, we think of them kind of, like, you know, today what we would think of, like, Crow Magnin or, like, Neanderfalls, you know? They're sort of like, our forebears. I don't know the word fucking human? No, you never heard that.

Never heard of what I like. Are they the kind of creatures that are going to like welcome us into their home and offer us a pot of stew? Are they going to huff and puff and puff and blow a piggy's house down or something? No, no. I think it there's dinosaurs and volcanoes and they eat like these really big ribs. But when they drive their cars and they get the ribs on like the tray, for some, do you have a tray on the side of their car? Their whole car flips over.

What are you talking about? You lost me. I don't know what you're talking about anymore. You're saying the wolves are dinosaurs. No, no, no. They have the dinosaurs. as like pets, but also weirdly appliances, like kitchen appliances.

Wolves have dinosaurs as kitchen appliances. Yeah, so like a mad. Cave madness. Cave madness is taking over grumbly. You have like a toilet. Don't we get this man in oil. Let's go find blonde. But instead of a toilet, it's like the mouth of a dinosaur.

I'm sorry, but they're pissing in a dinosaur's mad. It's weird. Are you going to the wolf or not? And then they don't want to go to anything. And they said, it's a nerd. What sounds like the same thing? What sounds like the dinosaurs? skittering of many legs of an enormous creature,

and the intense rattling of wood, as if wheels on stone, as you see an enormous black shape in the distance that seems to be getting larger. And you hear, ooh, sounding much larger and closer. So we gotta make a decision here quick. What is that?

So we gotta hug. Everybody hold up their hand in case they're nude. Oh. Why, now if I gotta do that. Should we be friendly or should we Dark Forest theory. I don't know. What do you think, Bitts? Okay, no, no, you made a decision. I mean, we already killed people.

We just murdered two people right there. They're gonna think what murder is. Oh, fine, let's hide. Let's hide. Oh, God, let's hide. They're gonna know for certain that we are mourners. You try to find a place, like, rocks to hide behind an alco. Somebody to hide behind and watch this thing come closer. Okay. Make a group stealth check as you all try to get behind some rocks and get into a ravine. That's almost so good.

Let's fucking go. Six. Fifteen. Stealth? Come on. Fourteen. So was that, sorry, can say that again? 14, 15.

Who got the lowest? 26. Oh, oh. Captain in disadvantage. Got it. Yep. You all hide as you look through the darkness. Oh, do you stop off your out your light, by the way.

You've had lights going this whole time. Yeah, I would have when we started doing this. They're back in the door. You. all dive behind some large rocks, some stalagmites, as this rattling and this skittering gets louder and louder and louder. As through the darkness of the tunnel,

you see what looks like a large black coach pulled by a set of two massive shaggy spiders. And sitting is a coachman with a top hat that's very clearly a black watch. wolf, a Blackford wolf, as this coach is making its way through the tunnels, as this thing is the cacophony of the skittering of these legs, of these two huge spiders, and the rattling of the strange coach that is riding along the cavern, the cave floor, is incredibly loud, it's almost deafening, as it actually passes you, as you see it pass by. However,

As you're peeking grumbly, you see the wolf look, and it makes eye contact with you, and then it continues on as it continues down along the way. What was that? I don't think a giant dino rib could overturn that thing. No, no, you were way off. I was totally wrong. Also, he's wearing a top hat and clothes.

I knew that schools were full of liars. You really are. I don't think we can start a civilization down here. We'd have to compete with that. Well, what if the friendly? What if we get to catch a ride? Well, they were friendly. It would have stopped.

It would have been like, hello, good people who are clearly lost down in this darkened tunnel. Let me assist you, but they didn't. We were pretty well hidden. Wait. Often he looked at me. You think? He saw me.

No. He spoke to my soul. Whoa! To the primal beast within. Wolves really are cool. They really are. I don't know. I've got to convince me,

go after the guy. Well, what did you say to your promise, or kill? What? No! Oh, oh. Well, no, no, no. No, I don't. No, no, no. He didn't say that. He just said, wow. Isn't this, isn't this a cool top hat? Whoa, whoa. You see you're backpedaling a little bit. You're changing your story. Sorry. We could yell at him. Maybe he can help us. Or should we just keep going and try to find where it came from? from? We could just follow behind at a safe distance. Oh, behind it or go where he came from?

We could follow it. It makes so much noise. It probably wouldn't hear us coming. We could just follow at a safe distance and maybe find other people. Do we want to go where he's going, or do we want to go where he's coming from? I don't know. I'm worried if we go away from him. We might not find anybody else when we stuck down here forever.

And then we will start a new civilization. And by Gen 3, we're toast. He must have come from someone. much to come from somewhere, though. Right? Maybe. It's hard to say. I've never seen anything like this before. This time or not, I mean, do we think as likely he's coming or going? It's impossible to know. I'd say we put it to a vote, but we'll be here for the rest of the episode. I think a vote's a great idea. Only we do it out loud. We don't write anything down. We just do show our hands. Wait, what's the question again? Whether we follow the tracks where he was going or where he was coming from.

Okay, yeah, I think we do a show. Well, it's dark in here. We can't. We can't do that. We could vocalize it. I have dark vision. Raise your hands. Aye. For words. To vote whether or not, those who want to follow that strange carriage,

raise your hands. I want to follow the carriage. I want to see where it goes. Oh, I want to do whatever Booker wants to do. That does sound. I mean, aren't you curious? Don't you want to know? We can say hi.

You can meet a wolf. I could meet a wolf. Let's go right now. You guys made eye contact, and he definitely didn't tell you to kill. One of you, please. I don't want to go where we came from. It seems like it belongs down here. It must have been coming from somewhere.

Ask the other one, quick. Who wants to go the direction that it came from, away from the carriage and towards, or towards where it came from? Raise your hands. Bitsy, you gotta vote. You have to vote. You gotta vote one way or another.

All right, we're going the way that it came from. All right. We might run into another one. We might know, hopefully, there's a whole civilization of them. It could be the right choice. He was the first of many. I was raising both my hands for what it's worth.

We attempt to follow the tracks, the direction that this thing came from, if it potentially left tracks on the ground. You do. You continue your way for about 10 minutes, and then you hear the, coming from the other direction, as you hear the rattling as it begins to approach you from,

basically it's coming back the other way. You feel like, or rather you see that it's now coming back in the direction that you're heading. We can either hide or flag him down. We gotta make a decision quick. We should flag him down. Maybe we hide on grumbly flags him down. No.

Hey! Hey! Who's there? It's us. We need help. Help, we lost. The rattling gets cat. Help! As you see the black coach of the two massive spiders are pulling this thing, as you see the wolf coachman, let out one more howl as if communicating with these wolf spiders.

driving it forward as the carriage gets larger and larger until it turns directly before you as it then the spiders lurked and they turn to the side as the carriage pulls to the side. You see that strapped to the back of this carriage that you had not seen before are two bodies. A vole and a crow have been tied to the back where the baggage is. They are hanging limply. Their broken necks are bruised and swollen. Their eyes are bulging open still. As the wolf coachman does not even look at you

as you see the door of the black coach go, as it opens. Hold your hands, how your hands. Are we welcome? Is there anyone inside? Hello? Put gloves on. Hello?

Is there anyone in there? Hello? Are we welcome aboard Mr. Wolf, sir? Mr. Foreign Wolf, my name is Brumley, I am putting me a dog. It is a pleasure to meet you. Imagine the eye contact. Oh, and did you make our contact with me earlier?

Was I imagining that? I'll get in a carriage. The wolf just simply looks at you. Okay, offering, I mean, the door opened. I mean, the door open. I found one picky. It's an invitation if I've ever seen, I suppose.

As I get on. I'll get in. You all get in, and it is surprisingly plush and but a little dusting. It seems old and unused. As the door, and you hear from outside as the spiders lurching,

as they all skitter back, as the carriage lurches forward, and you begin to be pulled in the direction into the tunnel. Well, I have to say, this is more like it. I mean, it was sort of, you know, our fate's turning around. This is amazing. I was a little worried about the giant monster spiders and the striking wolf, but these are some fine accommodations.

Good Omli speaks very highly of wolves. This is an easy decision. I'm so excited. This podcast is brought to you by Legends of Aventryor's Patreon. Become a patron today at patreon.com slash Legends of Aventrists and gain access to tons of exclusive Legends of Aventrous perks, including a monthly movie night with Legends of Adventress and a weekly Patreon exclusive campaign by Legends of Aventrists set on the high seas shroud over saltmarsh presented by Legends of Adventress. You can also go to the crooked moon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published

supplement. The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tone for Dungeons and Dragon fifth edition. And don't forget to snag all them extra goodies like dice and miniatures and plushes and a tarot deck and more. Thank you from Legends of Aventris. I can't wait to shit in the mouth of a dinosaur. Tomley, you gotta stop. Stop saying weird shit, okay?

Stop. Stop saying weird shit. That's what they do. All right? Where are you going with all that? You're really freaking us out here, all right? Really freaking us out. Why are you costing me?

Is your brain all right? It's a serious fall. I'm worried about you. That's what they would do. And like they'd take showers and the dinosaurs were like spit all over up. You're saying a lot of words that don't make any sense. Okay?

Fine. I won't talk about my... You can drink more water. I could drink more water. Don't do so much asparagus. I knew asparagus was next. It's the last little progression. You know... It's like mouse cat dog.

Asparagus is the third joke. Lovely. Just promise me you're gonna stop saying I'm gonna stop saying that the place is like the dead dream of an old man and the crows are looking at you and forming weird patterns, all right? I'm worried about you. Oh, no, all right. You know, it's just fairy tales you used to believe

in dog boarding school, that's all. I'm sorry, I'll stop. I'll stop. You continue the ride as you see that this tunnel goes into a massive cavern that goes, that is a huddered. hundreds of feet tall and you see as it goes into darkness all around you, there are huge ravines that go deep into the earth as the wolf lead this black coach pulled by the spiders

through this cavern, and eventually before you, you see an enormous ruined castle on this strange rock precipice where there is at the very end of a large bridge as the wooden bridge clatters with the as the coach and the spiders go atop of it. Does it feel like there was any change in elevation? Like maybe we were descending or how would you stay level the whole time? I would say that it feel pretty much the same, the same level is what I would say. All right. Would you say that we get a short rest?

I would say you of course enjoy a short rest. Very exciting. Stone houses. Wow. As you see. that before you the gate of this massive double wooden gate is before you and the coachman lets out another as you wait and you hear as the gates open and the carriage makes its way through and then as soon as you enter the courtyard of this enormous looming castle you hear the unsettling noise of the

as the gates close behind you. Are there any windows in this carriage? Are we able to like... Yeah, there's two small windows, yeah. I'm looking at the back. Uh-oh. Ah, that's not good. We might not be leaving him any time soon.

Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. We're in a carriage with a bodies on it. Yeah, what was that about? I don't know. Who are those people? I can't. I have... No idea.

Oh, man. I'm all about the scary bilboes. And you all wait as you hear the creaking on the carriage as the wolf gets off and walks and walks past your door and you hear the creaking of the carriage as the wolf gets off and walks past your door and you hear hear him chop the rope as you hear the loud thud as the two corpses fall onto the ground. And you hear him pick up both corpses very effortlessly. And you hear the heavy thuds of his boots as he seems to walk elsewhere. And suddenly they get fainter and fainter as you hear a door open and then shut. I try to that. Is there a handle and like to open up the carriage?

I try to open up the carriage. You open up the carriage. I'll hook my head out. It swings open, and you are in this courtyard, and you see this massive looming cavern with the stalactites hanging down, almost looking like fangs above you. As you see the looming, spiraling architecture

of this castle going all up. It perhaps was once grand and magnificent, but now it has fallen to disrepair and ruin. I guess we just go up to the front and see if anybody. If not, then this is a nice place we can finally get some sleep. He must have brought us this way, agreed to bring us in his carriage of a sort to, I mean, I suppose, follow him inside.

It's better than sleeping in a dark damn cave. What's the worst they could happen? Well, we could end up like, like what could? Well, gesturing to the two murders, he won. Oh, yeah. Ahead of us. We're all standing inside inside.

We're all standing side by side. And it's kind of weird that he, like, collected two dead bodies and brought them back. Well, you know, maybe they're trying to be respectful and give them up a proper disposal. Oh, well, maybe, like, recycle them and, you know, because food is rare down here, maybe. We're not going to eat the dead, grumbly. Oh, oh, you're right. No, that's ridiculous. Why would I? Are you feeling all right?

I'm fine. Okay. I'm fine with it. All right? Why wouldn't I be fine? I don't know. I'm just worried about you. You're acting a little weird?

No. I'm totally fine. You know, I took a pretty big hit, you know. You did? Fell a couple dozen feet, you know. That's right, that happened. Other than that, I mean, I'm totally cool. You know. All right.

All right. All right. What are you doing? What do you mean? Why are you sloping like that? Oh, no, I'm... Grumly hungry. We're all hungry, grumbly, all right?

That's not new. We haven't eaten in forever, especially after the chip mac and cheese incident. I don't suddenly you're talking in kind of like a broken language kind of structure. Oh, I mean, I'm hungry. That's not that weird. Look, his dad was hungry. That's why I ate the mac and cheese. Oh, yeah.

I'm still, you know, a bit crossed that I didn't have any. I mean, I'm glad I didn't because then I'll be shitting me pants, but I'm still a little hungry because I didn't have any mac and cheese. I'm going to walk up to the front of the carriage. Is the wolf with the top hat still there? No. He was gone. He opened and close the door.

The spiders are just standing there. I'll walk back to the group. You mentioned the castle was on like an outcropping of rock that overlooked something else? Yeah, basically there's like the very deep dark ravines all around where it goes into the complete abyss. Okay. So you can't see it. anything else. Yeah, and the walls are all around you now. So now all you can see is up above with the huge stone walls of this castle. Got it. Oh, got it, got it, got it. So we're inside the walls. We're inside like a, like a, you've gone across the bridge. You would have looked

over, you would have seen the abyss down below. Just darkness. Yeah, just into the darkness. Yeah. And you, uh, you look around, uh, and you, um, uh, see that, you know, that some of these, uh, have lost, parts of the wall have crumbled various rows of stone. of stacked stone than have fallen in, either inside the wall or outside, that have not been repaired. As you see the large gates of the actual fortress to the keep of the castle before you.

Well, come on. We're tired. Grumley's hungry. Let's walk up and see if there's a host or something. Okay. With any luck, they might have a banjo. Still need to replace mine. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I bet he's got tons of bed. I mean, there's a whole banjo room. Look how big this castle is. One can help. Here we go. We walk up to the door. You walk up to the door. Are there huge knockers on the front of the door?

There's enormous knockers. Okay. Okay. And you see that they are shaped very interestingly. Okay. That they are four, the massive knockers that they almost, they have a shape, a face of a figure. He seems to be a bat gentleman with a large heavy mustache.

and these sunken eyes as it seems to be all looking very lordly. A bat. A bat, yeah. I can't reach. Can someone grab the knocker? I don't know. It was like pretty heavy. I can't reach. Can someone grab the knocker? John, he's got to be you. Echoes through and the walls rumble.

Some of the silt on the stone kind of falls off. And you wait and then as the doors open and you see these dark beady eyes, the hunched figure looks at you with crooked teeth as a gray rat looks at you and says, welcome. Welcome. I'm friends.

You stare at us. The master has been waiting for you. The master's been waiting for us? Is that the wolf gentleman with the type of hand? No, the coachwind. No, no. Oh. Sir, are you all right?

There's something wrong with your face. Who are you talking about? You're having a heart attack? How are your face is drooping? Oh, I think that's a stroke. Peggy's right. I saw my dad do this once. Three fingers. Three fingers. Oh, hold on it. There was only two.

Oh, old Wigor nose is gavings. Do you say your nose? Did you say your name is Weigour? My name is Weigour, the bass I serve the master of here. All right, well... In these dark heavens. He's eager as to travel on foot. Thank goodness the coachman Fouti.

If he's been waiting for us, then tell him we said thank you and we'd love to come in... You're a feast with the master. Oh, oh, well feast. We're going to wait. He sleeps, he sleeps. He said our feet with the master. I think he's one of those. I'll say it is the middle of the night.

It makes sense to be... Please don't let this be another mansion full of the master. the pervents, please, please. It's a castle, not really a manor, a man. No, no pervert here. That's what a pervert would say. That's what a perfect one.

Don't let you guard down. It's exactly what a pervert would say. Wait, Nick, still could be you sound of it, wouldn't you? Absolutely, keep your guard up. All right. Oh, it's just me. Are you sure there's no pervers?

It's me the master, the coachman. What? And of course, the dead. What? The dead? I'm sorry, what? What did you say? You mean the bodice? The coachman just brought...

The casacoons. The dead race. Peacefully you. Oh, oh! That's why the coachman brought the bodies back to put them in the catacombs. Oh, the catacuspectful burial. I'll say to give them a probable burial.

Yeah. Death rains here. Why would you come in? Why would you say that? All right. Well, that's the most welcoming and welcome my levelers. You will catch a damn. Daff rains here.

That's an insane thing to say. Does he mean like from the sky? I don't know. Does he even hear himself? I think something's just wrong with them. I think. I mean, look at him. Have you seen his face? I mean, he's kind of.

Have him to keep drooping it. It looks like it's going to melt on. Oh. There's like patches of his fur. Could you don't turn away and lead out? Turn away and lead us, maybe. You just, yeah. Yes, I'll go.

You go first. You lead the way. Thank you, Michael. Who goes? You know, all of a sudden, I'm a lot of scared. Low the lot, low the lot. No, it wasn't so scary now, I'm not so scared. He has a lantern.

He pulls it down. Oh, what's names? You go, pie. How does he not know who goes in his own castle? He lives here? That's a weird thing to say. Yeah, you don't know that name. My name is Poyle.

You always said that. I thought the master was waiting for our arrival, and shouldn't you know who we are? He says that there'll be visitors who will be staying long. Aunt Grumley, a dog, distant relative to the master, presumably, who's all over mighty wolf, as far as I can tell.

The wolf, he's the mainzied, fee bag. He's the ghostman. Oh, Grumley. So. So the Lord of the castle's not a wolf? Oh, God's no. Oh, he's just a coachman. Who is he who tells about this master?

Oh, the master's a great count. A great count. As you see his presence here. As you see an enormous portrait in this foyer of this castle. And it looks like an imposing lordly figure in huge, what looks like furs or leathers, as this, it looks like in its prime, this bat figure, very muscular with that same kind of thick mustache, glowering down at you, almost as if it's staring at you.

As we pass by, the portrait begins to get older and turn skeletal. What? I thought I saw something. It's Count Morlock. Morlock? Yes. Ah. He won't be so pleased to have you for dinner.

Oh! How did it strike us? What? Continue going on. No, I was just saying how hungry I was. Oh, we're gonna have... he's gonna have us for dinner, Booker. That's right. We mentioned a feast. The tunnels you could have turned down. Thank goodness you've came here.

There's a lot of strange things in these catacombs of the earth. So if the master's waiting for us and expecting us, like Becky said, you surely already know our names, right? Well, Holly doesn't tell me anything. Oh. But I'm Brumley. All right. My name's Booker. Jean-Claude Chon de Clair.

Jean-Claude. Oh, and a fellow wracked. No. I'm Wai, Uncle. No. No. No, no, not at all. No.

Absolutely not, Michael. Are you sure about that? Yes. Son of mouse. My... My first name is Bixie. Check this guy out. When was the last time you saw it,

another one of your species? Oh, it's been a while. Well, Bitsy's real nice. You know, she'll warm up to you. Oh, no. There's no, there's the only warmth here. Extended in fire, please. It is very expensive to heat a castle.

It's your expense. Not my wife. What wood down here and beneath the earth? What do you burn then? Not much, we burn deep black tar from the pits of the earth. You spit a lot when you talk. Can you like turn away when you address it? We actually have it a monopoly on fossil fuels down here,

but we don't know what it does yet. So we don't realize that it's liquid gold. Cut into a fire plane. Dinish living. I told you guys. It's real. It's real. I'm gonna throw up.

And that's Peggy's flyer. And that's Bitsy T. Mouse. Moose. What? It's Moose. My last name's not mouse. It's Moose? Yeah.

Okay. Wait, are you fucking serious? Right now? My full name is Bitsy T. Moose. Oh. Well, he's Book a T. Rack. And I'm drummed tea pug. You...

Ooh. Give me help you. What are you doing? What are you doing? You're drooling. Clean yourself up. Shouldn't you be leading us somewhere? He sniffs all over you.

Oh, would you? Pardon me, I have a nose for wickedness and evil. John, he's staining your suit. Oh, he probably smells Jean-Luc all right. Oh, that wigginess. evil bastard. How, do it, you a lawyer. Oh, you can smell that I'm a lawyer.

I can smell the stanchure. Well, it's probably just the papers and the ink and the briefcase stores. He will require your service. Well, I'd be happy to... He seeks to purchase a new home. Well, not exactly my forte, but I'm sure I can brush up on the... No, the laws and fall. Real estate holdings of...

What did you say we are, the underdog? No. The catacombs? The coombs, you said? No, the catacombs are beneath the castle. To your rooms, to your rooms as I say. With brooms. Follow me.

Whoa, let's go. Ah, here we go. You'll rest until the, you see, for you see it is the day right now above us. How do you know? I could tell. Trust me, bro. Source, I made it up.

Just trust me, bro. My dad works at Nintendo. You will feast with Count Moorlock once he rises. Love, you see as a bat, he is nocturnal. He rises with an hide. Oh, he's a bat. I've never met a bat before, I don't think. Well, you will see the grand elegance.

They revolve species of our kind. He can take to the skies. Like a bird. Oh, no, bird. Oh, no, bird. I'll say hey. No. I'll say, hey.

It's not too hard to take to the scars, is all I'm saying. I know you're okay, you're a lawyer, school. You're a rooster. I don't think you can fly. I have a flying speed. I can fly all over. Okay, these are your quarters fully while you'll stay here. This one. and this one. Okay.

And this one. Okay. And this one. Okay. And this one. Oh, wow. And each one has a fire place. If you wish me to light it, if you...

It's too cold for you. Oh, I would like one, please. I would also prefer to have some warmth and light. I don't like being cold. Oh, fine. To the pitch with you, I do, go on. To the pits. All right.

I'm taking this. room over here and I just point to one of them and I go in. I'll take the one on me in. He will not have a feast, but get out for some cheese to snack on before bed. Oh, yes, yes, please. It's very moldy. Kind of wet. Yeah.

Oh, oh, I'm going to have a chip piece. Oh, yes, yes, good boy. I'm going to pass. I'm good. Can I have his portion of cheese, please? Yes, eat more cheese. Oh, no. You're going to be like burger. Cheese, Buch, Boo.

Boca cheese. Oh, it's delicious. I'm good, Drommley. I'm good, I'm gonna wait for my fire to be lit. Baby Bell cheese? Baby Bell, they come in these little red wax containers. Wait, that's wax? Uh-huh.

You're supposed to eat it though, right? No. Uh-oh. Oh, all right. Peggy, you didn't eat one of those, did you? I thought you were supposed to eat the whole. It comes in it. wrapping around it? Why does it make you take off two wrappings just to get the...

It never digestes. It plants in your stomach and grows a whole new watermelon. Whoa. No, not a new watermelon. A tiny wax person. Whoa! There's a little wax person inside in my body. And when it gets strong enough, it'll punch its way in. And that's how we have wax museum. And that's how we have wax museum.

Yeah. How long do I have? As long as you don't eat any more, Baby Bill Wax. You won't strengthen it. You'll just remain weak and trapped inside of there forever. I reach into my pack and I drop my baby bill cheese onto the ground. I just kind of kick it underneath the nearest piece of furniture. All right, I just won't eat anymore.

You're not underneath the wax. The cheese is good, though. I don't even know how to get it. If I had a baby bell right now, I'd be so happy. Take another one. It's a window. That's right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Yeah, wrong on the ground. Oh, my buckets of pitch. While I'm waiting in the room for the fire to be lit, I'm like, I'm like checking out of the bed. I'm like looking at the portraits if there are any. I'm checking the windows and checking the closets.

I'm looking for perverts. There are no perverts. That I can tell. It is empty. Okay. Empty. There's some skittering spiders. There's some moths that are around.

Some dust. Some dust. Cobwebs. Yeah, it's cobweb that's dusty. There's no perverts. You seem to be wholly alone except for why you are the coachman and Countmore Law. I refuse to believe it. As you see him take his picture.

You go out of the beach. Wow! It's like starting a fire wheel. It's like a lighter fluid. Oh, there we go. Thank you. You welcome. So should I just like wait here

until we refested for the feast or what? You may you have leave of the castle. But I'm a little tired now. But you may go anywhere except the castle. Okay. Sure. For it is. Forbidden. All right, is there a reason? Just because, I mean,

Only the dead may walk amongst the catacombs. What do you mean by walk? Yeah, I mean they're dead. Yeah. They don't move much. And maybe just a phrase to it. Metaphorically, of course you mean metaphorically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, we're respectful guests. We're not going to go where you tell us not to go. Are there cats down there? Well, it doesn't it matter to speak. Oh. They are soldiers from the mockings up. that sought to explore. Oh.

They delved duty. And they died? In a manner of speaking, they seem to live. So yes. Good guess. I don't know why this guy's speaking in riddles. It's weird.

Are you done? Can you go? Are you done? Can you go? I'm just going to have my, my, The allotment of cheese. Don't do it here. It's getting hard to look at you. Getting real sick of looking at you. It's hard to lay eyes on you. It makes my stomach turn. Good eyes, Margole.

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. I've got a lot of plague, Vanessa. Let us know when the feast is. We're going to get some sleep now. Oh, Wicor. Wicor? Wigel. Is there a Countess, Mourlock?

Oh, no. The Count, the Masters, owns his bride, his beloved. What about a Miss Wygoy? Oh, Miss Wygall. Oh, no, no. I look at Bitsy. I'm too busy, I am too busy, you see.

It is a lot to take care of the Masters. Married to the job. It's a large castle. I hear you. You see, I have. He would be lost without me. He was simply lost. A lot of fireplaces to light.

Oh, yes. Not a pizzer cat. Nothing cleaning to do. And it's like a quarter of me. I know. It's totally dusty. All right. Well, be on your way.

And we'll be here. I wish you good night. Good night. Good night, boy. Thanks for everything. I'll stay good now. We appreciate it. Sleep well.

We're trying. We're really trying here. You know, you'll find this place as quiet as the grave. Yeah, I can see that it might be, if you'd shut up, you know? That'd be good. Let's start there. I could use a good night's sleep. Let's start by you removing yourself, and then maybe we'll see if it's as quiet as the grave, all right? God, I'm getting real sick of this guy. It's been like 10 minutes.

It's as dark as a crude. Good night, White Boy. Buzz, wear a skeleton. What? What? God! Oh, I'll say, I'll say my head's going to explain. My kid, laugh at him.

Look, he's just lonely. He's got nobody to talk to. If we give him the opportunity, he's going to gap forever. No, but when we asked him the skeleton, he ran away. He ran away. I'm not worried about it. He's crazy. He is crazy and ugly. I'm gonna go to my room.

Did you see... Cheese is molding. I'm gonna get some rest. Did you see when he was walking away? I didn't think he could look worse than he did in the front. God, that backside. It's just awful. A lot of maimed, you know.

His butthole was just there for everyone to see. He had basically no tail left. This is the wax. You don't eat this. Did you get that? I got found a big bill on the floor. Why would you pick that up? Why would you show me that? I ate the cheese and now I'm going to throw this away.

No, don't eat this. Do you want an adult bill in your tummy? An adult what? An adult bell. The baby bell will become a grown-up. And then punch its way out, apparently. What do I do if it's half formed? Then it's a middle bell.

Just leave it in there and hope it starts to death. What's it feed it on? Oh, the wax. Stop eating wax. I'm keeping this. I'm keeping this from you. It's my strange addiction. Good night, Booker.

Good night, Brumley. If you need me, I'll be next door, all right. Good night, Booker. Good night, Bitsy. Good night, Grumley. Good night, Bitsy. Good night, Pee. Good night, Peggy.

Good night, Peggy. Good night, Grumley. If you really wanted, it probably isn't fully formed. I'll give it to you this one time. No, don't risk it. Look, she's in pain. I'm running and trying to grab it from you. No!

And throw it in the fire. Oh! What check count? It's melting! A contest, a acrobatics contest. I failed, but I technically as a halfling. I probably succeed. Athletics?

Can I do athletics? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna wrestle it. Okay. I probably fail. Yeah, I get a 25. Yeah. I can start running around the door,

running around you. Put it into fire, big seat! Fire, Bixie! Cast it into the fire, Pitsy! Cast it into the fire, Pitsy! What the hell is happening right now? I say, I say cast it in! No!

Good night, Pitsy! And I just turn it running to the room. All right, good night, Peggy, she's already gone. Good night, John. Good night, Brumley. Good night, Bitsy, I'm out of you. Good on, Mrs. Sean DeClair. Well, good night, Bitsy. Good night, Grumman.

Good night, Mr. John DeClair. Good night. Good night. Can I, Peggy? Good night, Gnardt! I'll go to my room, too, here. Good night, I'm left. I shut the door, and I try to lay down in the bed,

but I can't stop worrying about the potential perverts and or skeletons that might be working on the gasp. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Hell, Booker! They got one of these cool Ebeneas and Scrooge sleeping gowns in here. Oh, you're going with the hat and everything? Yeah, even as a little hat, yeah, and a slip-and-a.

Yeah, and the slippers too. I try to find mine. I try to find my neck down with that. Oh yeah, they're in there. Whoa, you're right. I'm putting mine on immediately. Okay, good up, look here. Good night, Grandley.

I'll talk to you in the morning. If you need me, just come get me. Oh, and if you need me, come get me. All right, deal. Good night. Good night. Cut inside, bet Peggy's his stomach. You see a man made of wax.

Look, children, another has joined our family. Oh, God. This is a nightmare. This is an absolute nightmare. You all? Yeah, I attempt to fall asleep. Yeah, I attempt to fall asleep. If it's a four-post or bed, I'll close the...

All four sides. You all settle in the sleep. I'm gonna need someone to roll a D-10 for me. One. Only one skeleton. That would be a D-1 one. That would be a D1. We'll be a D100 now. Yeah, it's gotta be a D100.

You all settle to sleep. And grumbling. No. Whoa, that's 100, isn't it? Nope. One or triple zero. That's one. That's fucking crazy.

It's fate. It's definitely a one. Grummley. You awake in the middle of the night, and you hear it from, hear it from outside your window, as you hear the howl very clearly the coachman. Are you, are you calling to me? Oh, cousin of mine? Is there a window? Can I look out the window and see if I can see them down there?

The reception check at advantage. That's pretty good. Perception is there? 23. 23. You look out into the darkness. beyond the castle as you see the a flickering torch out across the bridge beyond the castle and you realize that the castle gates are open can I see if it's the coachman it's just a flickering torch at the end but it seems to be held by a figure like out the window I want to see if he responds do I get the sense that he like wants me to join him make an inside check at advantage 20 You don't know what to think.

You were a dumb hug. But you feel like your ancestors are watching. That's what I'm feeling right now. And you feel the call of the wall. You're the call of your ancestors. Absolutely. The killer instinct is rolling up. Exactly right.

I look around the room and I find the little candle holder. And I laid it. Oh, I suppose I should go walk the house, you know. Just make sure everything's okay. I'm immediately picturing Grumly in the Ebenezer Scrooge hat with the... Oh yeah, I'm keeping the nightgown on. Absolutely. And I'm going to try to like stumble through the castle and make my way towards this wolf.

So you're leaving the castle and use your nightgown. I am, yes, leaving the castle, just my nightgown. Okay. You do that. As you make your... your way through, the chill hits you to the bone as you leave the castle. And no one seems to stop you. You don't even see Wygore. As you continue to make your way outside

and you see the flickering, the flickering light. As you see this silhouette holding the torch. And you get closer and closer. You finally see it is the way. wolf. It is the coachman as he's staring at you. And you see that he is, he has two crossbows with him and two axes. And as soon as you, and he basically just looks at you as you approach. Who goes there? Oh, I mean, I mean, I know who it is. Hey. He reaches down and throws you a crossbow. Is this for me? Is this my ancestral calling?

The wolf looks and turns and points out, and you see that there is a large expanse that's covered in all manner of web. And you see that there are skittering spiders all throughout. And then the wolf just nods at you. It wasn't dinosaurs or ribs at all. It was fucking cross pose. I'm in! Let's go! Where do we go? You're going to turn into blade? As you head off and join.

off and join the coachman on an evening hunt. Ugh. I want to kill. And you see a look of approval on the wolf's face as he nods as, as, Peggy. There's you awake and it's cold. God, it's so cold you. Your room is dark, but there is the flickering.

The smell of bitch is very intense. As the fire burns. How is that? The whole castle reeks of it. As the fire still cast these strange shadows as you are stirring. But the wind kind of whips through your window and kind of whips past the curtains of your bed. As you almost see the shadows dancing on the silhouette of your curtains.

It almost forms a long, slender shape of shadows. And you suddenly realize that it's gone, and it was just a trick of the light. Wax human, was that you? You see that, little buddy? Huh. You see then suddenly a shadow of a large hand, elongate along the floor of your room.

Long fingers snake across the other. and tired of your bedchamber towards the bed. Uh, uh, hello? Perverts, Booker, hello? Who's there? Whose hand is that? Whose hand is that? Not my hand, not my problem.

That's what I always say. I'm gonna pull the covers up, like close around me. And suddenly the wind burst into your room as the shadow suddenly forms you. You see a dark shadow, a silhouette. It's hard to tell. It looks imposing, but at the same time, it almost looks withered as you hear a voice,

Long have I waited. And suddenly it vanishes, and you are left alone. Hello, are you there? If you're here for sex, I've got a headache. Hello? Ow, does anybody got some aspirin or something? staying in this room and I'm gonna walk and I'm gonna go try and find Bitsy's room. Okay. You, um, let's hold.

What? What? Bitsy. You are asleep. Floating three feet above the bed. And suddenly you awake. Huh? And you, you feel like you feel like, oh yeah, that you're sleeping in a pile with your good friends as you're sleeping next to Jean-Claude and next to Hazel. And yeah, you know, you feel like, oh,

and you kind of snuggle up and you're like, you're feeling like you're very warm and cozy as you're sleeping between these two people. And then you realize that it's very cold. And as you, as you, Try to get more pitch, you turn

and you look and you feel the feathers of Jean-Claude of this large kind of imposing frame and you realize that it's actually a gray feather and you look and you see that you are facing a robed crow who is on its back.

Its back is against you but his head is snapped towards you. The old wise crow crow that you had killed, his dead eyes are looking at you. And he says, Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. He kept on the guy on the got for a five of a tea. He said calmly.

He said, gobbly. As you stumble backwards, trying to get away. As you fall over this little vole who's wearing a green cloak, his neck is also snapped. As he looks at you, Why? What about food, breakfast? I'll roll backwards and flip up into the upright position

and immediately, ah! And you look and Peggy opens the door to your room in this moment. Bidzie, you will not believe what just happened. What are you doing? And there's nothing in the bed. I think the little wax person in my stomach is caused some hallucinations here.

You're not the only one. Is that a side effect? No, I, I had a dream, a nightmare, a hallucination too. I had this weird creepy creature coming in my room begging for sex. That sounds awful. It was, I've got a headache. Oh, I'm sorry, that sounds terrible. I had two dead bodies in my opinion.

There's nothing there. There's nothing there. Let me take a look and I'll go over and I'll lift it up and I'll sniff the sheets. No? There's no decomposition. no decomposition, I don't see any rogue hairs, like nothing that's not mouse. I swear it was for two people that I, that we passed by there at that time, and when we were walking in the caves.

Oh, the dead ones that were on the back of that carry? Yeah, those ones. Why would you be thinking about them? They were in my bed, that's why I thought about it. They weren't, they're not in your bed because I'm looking right now. I'm just saying that they were there just seconds ago. No, I think you just had a nightmare. Like, maybe.

Do you want, I mean, for you, not for me or any. You want me to stay in here tonight? Yeah, if you could. Yeah, of course. For you. Do you have any more pitch in your room? My bucket's empty. Oh, it's filled with pitch over there.

It's just... Room's practically billowing with it. Then should we just go back to you? Well, I mean, that weird sex-addicted pervert by me in there. Yeah, but there's a bunch of maybe bodies in my bed. You want to sleep in the room with a pervert? I guess it would be warmer if they decided to get with us. I'm just saying that that's where fire is, and that's where

That's warmer, that old, that's rational. I can sleep in my room, but just if he comes back, telling me, I don't know, you on your period or something. Okay. Then I'll go back to my room. This is a nightmare. You do that. Um, Jean-Claude.

Buckle up. You are sleeping peacefully. And you suddenly jolt awake. Look. I say, I say. Jean-Claude. I say, I say. You damn double-crossed me for the last time, Jean-Claude.

That couldn't be. All the way down here, I'd spend so much time thinking this couldn't be hell, because Jean-Luc would certainly be here. Jean-Luc. Oh, Jean-Claude. I say you? I say, I've had to pay the death tax, and I have suffered for my ways. I'm in chicken hell. I say, I say, I say, how bad is it? Oh, I say, Jean-Claude, it is not pleasant. I tell you what. I feel into the wrong crowd, and you are following the same path. Chains clasp around me. I say, I say, John Luke, please have kind of words for me.

I say, I say, I say, Conwood, Joe Claude! Oh, please! John Claude, all entire family has gone into horrid professions, committed great acts of evil, and down hell it is not pleasant, it is not cool like your room. At this hour, at this hour. It is, it is deep fried,

Zanning with 14 urbans. It's all said, Refreshing sweet tea. Oh, I say this is out of the worst most horrible dreams. Sitting unkindly in the pit of my stomach. Sitting unkindly. Oh, I don't know if this is the madness of a batteness is boring. Please, eat me, eat me, John Claude.

Cause for the Zard, it is Peach Cobbler. And then the special for the next night. What is a bucket? The whole bucket. I say I say of what? And he say how many, how can it possibly be that many pieces? I only got but one breast. But it's all, Jean-Claude.

It's all breast! He's all breast. Oh, no. And down here, they give you as much sauce as you want. They're going to fight you for it. So they be dipping our flesh and sauce. Oh, Jean-Luc, I swear I'll I won't turn out of you were the worst kind

and no good flim flam and scum sucking turncoat. Bastard of a brother of mine, your fate will not be mine. Well, I'll say, I'll say they say the only thing more wicked than an accountant that works for the IRS as a lawyer. So you will be visited by three terrible spirits. Oh, so, over the next several nights or so.

No, it's right. It actually was very unclear in the original, Originally he said over three nights and he changed his mind and forgot to go back and change it in the beginning. Oh, Sal say, when Tom is the first one coming on Luke, please. Beware! Beware the double D fried with 14 herbs and spices. Oh! Did you hear that? Someone's screaming?

Yeah, I think it might be John Claude. He sounds like he's screaming about some kind of fried chicken or something. Should we go check on him? I say so many breasts. Oh no, he's talking about breasts. I think he's fine. I don't think those are screams of fear. Oh, I said they don't charge extra for dipping sauces.

Oh, no, it's definitely not fear. He should just let him. That's weird. Beware the cane sauce. Oh, it's so delicious. Nope, now he's fine. Yeah, I think he's gonna be all right. Oh, this mother.

I'm just gonna stand here and listen, make sure he's okay. Oh, they can't taste it anymore. It's all just cane salts. God, they can't even taste it anyway. I'll say, I'll say, they can't even taste the succulents. Wow. I wonder if that permit that was in here went to John Claude to afterwards. It might be.

Or he's just been pent up, you know, hanging around us this whole time. He's finally got a room to his own. He's got it down. Oh, man. He's got a whole bucket of pigeon there. He should be all right. He said Lundown. No, no, John Quote.

Oh, God. Okay. Burr. Yep. You are sleeping peacefully. It's a shockingly comfortable bed. It's a little dusty, a little cold. But you haven't slept this well.

It was a lot more comfortable than sleeping, and even in your dad's place. Especially better than the woods. as a noise jostles you to sleep, as you hear the door-nob rattle of your room. What is that? Hey, I see. It rattles a bit.

Who's there? Why, if that's you, I swear to the gods. Don't you, don't you open that door, you freak. You see the, you hear a freak as the door. opens. Hey, I'm on, and you... And the door pulls open slightly. And you see a hand stick it's, or a hand enter,

and it's entirely made of bone. S, son of a bitch, I knew there were perverts here. And... I go reach for my banjo and I realized that I don't have it. As my face falls. The door opens as you see a figure, figure entirely bone. Now. As a skeleton steps into your room and looks around and its empty eye sockets make eye have you no idea what kind of creature, what kind of skeletal figure

this is. It is just the skull almost reminds you of the skull that you had seen on the centipede's but it only has one arm, two arms and two legs. As the skeleton looks at you and it says, oh shoot, I thought this was my room. leave the room and closes the door behind him. Sorry, and he closes the room. And the skeleton leaves the room. This is strangely polite. This isn't the catacombs.

This is the dead are not supposed to be able to walk here. What was that? I walk over to the door, and I press my ear up against it while I check the door handle again to see if it's potentially locked. Or if there's any way to lock it. And I listened to see if I can lock it, but it is unlocked, yeah. I listen as I... Make a perception check.

No, not even close. You don't hear any. Nothing. I think he's God. What the hell was that? I guess I'll try to go back to bed. I can't get over how polite he was. I lay down and I pull the covers up over me.

And I attempt to go back to sleep whether or not I'll be able to. I would be confused and bewildered and a little scared. Not sure if it was a dream or if it really happened as I attempt to fall back to sleep. You all fall back asleep and you enjoy a long rest. Grumly, you wake up and you feel like you've been hunting spiders and you've unlocked the killer instinct of some kind, but you can't be sure if it was a dream or if it was real. Whoa.

But you feel like as if you spent all night hunting with the coachman and killing and even processing these spiders that you've hunted and killed. Do I get a long rest though? Yeah, it was a long rest, yep. Curious. Very curious. Nah, I guess I should get up and see what the others are doing. I would take off my nightcap and my gown as I put on the rest of my clothing for the day,

and again, I go to reach for the banjo that's not there. Oh yeah, yeah. I miss it a little bit as I, uh, go to unlock my door and proceed out in the hallway to see if anyone else was awake yet. Does everyone awake? I get in my gear and I go to the door and I reach for the crossbow and hand axe

that aren't there. Maybe in another life. And I'll sort of longly look at the window as I close the door behind me. Oh, Booker! Oh, hey, Bromley. I had a weirdest dream last night. Oh, really?

Yeah. Me too. I had a pretty weird dream too. Remember when I said I wanted to kill? I do, but then I remember you're walking it back pretty quickly and you changed your story. I killed all night. What? I literally, I couldn't stop killing.

Who? Who did you kill? Not who? I had this dream that I went out with that cool wolf guy. And we killed spiders all night. I had a crossbow and I had an axe and I was just like, ugh. And I was like, and I was like, too. And they're like, eh.

No, we have a family. Whoa, they said that? Yeah. And we would like... That's pretty metal. And then we had like a comically delicious, like scene eating lobster leg. I mean a spider legs. Oh.

They were crab legs. All right. And it was very delicious. Well, that sounds like it was a good time. Did you feel like you slept well? I did. I feel very well rested. Great.

It's amazing. What about you? You've a pleasant dream as well? Oh, it was, well, I don't know if it was pleasant. I can't even blame it on the moldy cheese. I was just in my bed and I heard a noise. The door handle was jiggling. And all of a sudden, it started to open.

I thought it was Wygor, and I warned that weird freak that he better not step foot in my room. And the next thing I know, I see this horrific, skeletal hand creep in. A skeleton? Yes, it was a skeletal hand, and it slowly started to open the door. The door made a horrific, rusty, creaking noise.

And then all of a sudden the skeleton was like, oh, my bad, bro, I thought this was my room, and he left, and that was it, and I went back to bed. It was weird, bewildered, absolutely bewildered. I don't know what kind of dream that means. I don't know what that means. Oh, he was just like a, like a, a chance. Yeah, he just made a mistake. We just thought it was his room.

Just a cool dude? Yeah. Oh. Are you sure it was a dream? I mean, what else could it be? I mean, the dead don't walk. The skeletons aren't real. I mean, the real, we have skeletons in us, but they don't animate. Plus, it wasn't the catacombs. We were told that the dead only walks amongst there. Well, not precisely. Didn't why God say the deaf reigns here? I mean, that's... He did say that. That's pretty explicit.

He did say that. But to be fair, I didn't believe anything that he said. He's a freak. He's a freak. You're right. Fuck that little freak. What does he know? I want how the others are doing. Yeah. I'm sure they may be fine. I'm sure they all had weird dreams too, maybe. Maybe. Bitsy, can you wake up? What? Can you put your head on my stomach and see if the wax guy in there was talking?

All right. Do you hear anything? Be quiet, and you shall be here. What you do find, you listen and you don't hear anything, but your ear kind of feels something. As you look and you check Peggy's abdomen area and you see that there are two puncture marks. Oh. I don't hear anything, but look.

Did you stab me with a fork last night? No, all I got is a rusty knife. I don't have the fork, I don't have the spoon. I just got the knife. Put that up to my stuff, whoa, whoa, Oh, not that close. Just close enough. Let me see.

No, it's a little too big for those puncture wounds. That's what I'm saying. Where did they come from? I don't know. Do you think it's trying to get out? No, I think it's like. Do you think the little wax human in my stomach did that? Could that have been made by two tiny wax human fists?

He might have just punched forward like this real fast. That's what I'm thinking. kind of like a mantis shrimp but made out of wax and inside of me. Mantis shrimp may be the form that it's taken. Wait, you never said

it could take the form of a mantis shrimp. You said it was like a, like, what you said it was, was not that. Adult bills can take any form in wax. You could have told me that before you gave me more of the wax. You wanted the wax. You begged me for the wax.

You have any more? Only if we have other baby bills, I only had the one I found it underneath the dresser. Big, another one might have rolled under there. Oh shit! This dresser produces baby bills. You want me to throw that wax away for you?

No, you can't have the wax. Please. You've got a match. What do you give me? I won't tell anyone that you were sleeping with dead people last night. Oh my God, oh God. Oh. Let's go see if the others are awake. All right. We're in the hallway.

Yeah, you go and you find Booker. Both Peggy and Bitsy leave from Peggy's room. Oh, hey guys. You guys, everybody all right? You bunk together, yeah. Yeah, definitely. There's nothing trying to punch its way out on my stomach. What?

Huh? Okay. No, no, yeah. We went over there. Did you guys have a good night's sleep? You got cold after we got a nightmare, so we decided to bunk up. Oh, you guys had night.

Oh, yeah. Oh, me too. Oh, me too. Yeah, we were just talking about our dreams. I mean, they weren't really nightmares. Well, one wasn't in our way. Yeah, we actually had pretty pleasant dreams and lovely evenings. You guys had nightmares?

I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't really have a nightmare. It was just like this weird shadow guy that came in my room and tried to have sex with me, but I told him I had a headache. Oh, but then he went to John Claude's room and fucked him all night long. Whoa! Yeah. We heard the whole thing. How do you know?

Because we heard the whole thing. Well, I mean, like, what did you hear? Oh, my God. Moonflip. Spill the tea, spill the tea. Spill the tea. I'll say, what are you saying? You're talking about making buckets food.

Yeah. Bucket's full of my God, that's foul. You know how a pig can have a 30-minute-long orgasm, like to shit on a rooster. This guy can go till morning light. Go to him. Well, that's true. Wow.

So, no wonder. You know what? I bet you that evidence's life wasn't that bad. I bet you you really liked it. He didn't want to tell us the real things. tell us the real thing? He's been down with the perverts. He was probably trying to keep the whole locker to himself.

Yeah, what a sick fight. They're sharing your secret, Jean-Claude. This is, you know. Oh, Stangler, that was your evening, you stud. Holy smokes. No, I had a terrible evening. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I was haunted by the ghost of my brother.

Are you sure about that? You made all those noises about your brother? Sounded like the rooster came before sunup, if you know what I mean. Well, I suppose I did awake before sunup. You know, it's hard. to know, exactly. Is it hard to know?

What are you insinuating, book? This said you were fucking a pervert all night, or maybe getting fucked by a pervert. Hey, we don't judge. No, I wasn't touching any purport. You don't have to be a boy. We heard. And secret sauce, special sauce.

Bucket is full, apparently. Fourteen whole seasonings. You said something about couldn't even taste the succulent. No, he couldn't taste. It's wrist. Talking about the ambrosia of the gods over here. And legs. I will say back in law school, they called me

Robert dude and this. Those are screens of ecstasy I've ever heard them. Well, I have to hear that. All right. We don't have to hear my story. No, no, no. What happened?

I believe you John Pard. I have a terrible nightmare. My brother visited me, and as you all know, how I feel of him. And he said that you have to change your ways. and that three ghosts were going to appear and show me all these tales and past

and present. When does the perfect show up? There's no perfects, all right? Shut your mouth. It's a lot easier to listen if you shut your damn mouths, all right? Yeah, let him speak. So, anyway, as it were, so there were three ghosts that were going to appear and warn me of my wicked ways so that I could turn around.

Proclivities? My ill proclivities. However, they did not appear. And seeing as how I hate my brother, I can just disregard all warnings and we're fine. How did he come to you in your dream? You know, why? Well, he was in some sort of spectral form rattling chains.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why was he in a spectral form? Well, I assume he was killed. He's dead. Well, because he was haunting me in my dream. So shouldn't the first thing you said been, thank you thank you, God, he's dead? Well, he was haunting me.

That doesn't sound like a... No, I didn't want him to show up. That's not a nightmare. The last thing. thing I wanted when my brother died was for him to be around him more often. That's the worst thing that could have happened.

Look, it was probably just a weird dream. We all had them. I don't believe you got fucked by a pivot all night, Mr. Chanticleer, if that means anything. All I'm going to say, you know, his story is pretty compelling. It's easy to believe. It's a good story. He's a lawyer, though. We'll put that there.

I really think that the nightmare was that he woke up. What's going to say? Look, all I'm saying is it would make sense that he woke up from this an awful nightmare, that strange purport went from my room into his, and he was like, well, no better way to forget a nightmare than to fuck this guy all night. Well, does it matter? What? What?

John Claude, did you get fucked by a shadow bullet? All night. Grumling? Tell the truth. No. Just, it's weird. There is. I get fucked by a shadow woman all night.

There it is. She did not get fucked by a shadow bullet all night. I think you hesitated. I think I was, in fact, very discerned in my answer, Booker. There it is. There's no more discussion about it. All right, all right, we'll let it be. We'll let it be, understood.

Do you feel well resting? I feel great. I can you not help me as long as. I feel like an empty, free son. You are absolutely glowing. I feel well rested. I mean, I could use a, it feels like a picture of water.

Oh, son of a bitch. You know the whiteboard. I thought I smell. God damn it. But having such a good morning. As you see him. He's carrying a tray rattling with five wooden goblets as he shambled over,

How did you sleep? Not great. Wonderful. It was good, I was happy with it. Ups and down, tops and bottoms. He needs homes. It can be be pigs and valleys, if you will. Biggs and valleys.

You get to go night's wrist. We all had weird dreams, but they were just dreams. That's all. Just dreams here, yeah. How long do we have to have to? Just the mind. Plain tricks. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.

I'm worried about the feast. Jean-Claude really worked up an appetite. You will be feasting, yes, with the master. Okay. He eagerly awaits, but first we must prepare a tradition to begin our night by drinking this. Each must drink a full goblet

of blood, orange mimosas. And that's ruling the session. Well done. I'm just going to say it. I actually think this is my favorite session because every session I say this, that if you're like gun to my head at the beginning of the session,

I can literally never guess for the first 15 minutes we're going to go. And I never would have guessed in a million years that went this direction. This actually might be one of my favorite, if not my favorite session of all time. This is so good. This is so fun.

Thanks, Mike. Thanks for my session. It's going to be back. It's good to be back. Thanks, Mike. Thank you so much for listening to the Legends of Aventures podcast. We hope you enjoyed the session.

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