lemonparty - 001: anthony cumia high

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

this was the fourth episode we recorded but put it out as the first regular ep. the other four episodes we did are on www.patreon.com/lemonparty we talk about going to high school where people have sex with goats, how the old timers got air conditioning, seeing movies with your dad, getting called gay, devan being insanely fat and smelling like shit, gymcel dad, coen brothers, jace visiting his girlfiend in new hampshire, the people theyre hiring at southwest airlines, calling dad on his birthday, old ladies that work at chikfila, the dogs flipping out, getting walked in on while podcasting, cops are gay, the saga of chris dorner, the unabomber,    ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery   website for lemonparty: https://www.lemonparty.life/   apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5 youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q discord: https://discord.com/invite/c7ed4kvvAN sign up for the newsletter: https://confirmsubscription.com/h/y/22C1E97FDE4FB267   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Back in, right? Yep. Okay. It's not a chip. It's an SD card. Okay, I'm rolling now. They put the chip back in. Yeah, like it's Neuralink or something.

I'm Elon Musk. It's a... Yeah, big shot there over here. All right, the chip's in, everybody. The chip is in? Okay, good. All right, now be funny. Okay.

Everyone go. Everyone, what's a funny story from your childhood? Do it, quick. One time. Well, my stories from my childhood would be your stories from your childhood. Yeah, I'll just pretend I don't know. Like you guys were attached to the hip, like stuck on you.

Yeah. It's just us taking turns getting beaten while one of us stands on the other side of the house. Did you guys get bullied? Yes. Yeah, I got bullied a lot because i was like a weird little christian kid yeah but i thought everyone at the school was christian and shit though they were like i mean they like went to church but they were still like but they were like we do anal yeah like we do anal my dad like smokes meth so but my parents our parents were more like hey just so you know if you say but um god is going to send the whole family to hell god just to let you know you'll get raped by the devil forever

god yeah so you guys weren't like yeah there was like a lot other everyone was religious but they were like a little cooler like they were like dude we have like a confederate flag tablecloth exactly yeah dude the horn on my car goes uh plays the general lee song i did know a guy who you would play it and be like Exactly. Yeah, dude, the horn on my car goes plays the General Lee song. I did know a guy who you would play it and be like It's like the fucking Dukes of Hazzard you guys. Dude, my cousin had a big monster truck.

Literally he drove a monster truck around town. It looked like the Gravedigger truck. It was like a fucking suburban from like 91 that he put monster truck tires on and he had to sell it because it got three miles a gallon he couldn't afford gas in like 2003 he's like this dollar 19 is killing because people keep like rigging their cars there until it like gets to it but eventually it's it gets one mile to the gallon you guys you

i can't even make it to the gas station and then back to my house. He might as well just put big jet engines on the side of it and be like, fill her up. That'll probably be about 8,000 gallons. There was a viral TikTok of a lady showing off her truck where she has a little mini trampoline under the truck and she jumps on it to get into. Have you seen it? No. It's just a normal sized lady. She has to jump on a tramp it to get into have you seen it no it's just a normal size lady she has to jump on a trampoline to get to get into her truck and then she has like a rope tied to

the trampoline right that she pulls it back she pushes it back with like the the apollo live at the apollo cane right she's like she's she's doing a monster truck but she's just driving over curbs because she's a woman dude did you email gra He's going to drive over the biggest curve in North America. Those people just sit around all day and have fantasies about their son, like their daughter, calling them from a party and been like, Dad, they're forcing me to drink alcohol. And they're like, I'm on my way to the truck. Yeah. You stay put. You stay put while they put on just their

Punisher guns around their body. Punisher guns? Yeah. They have like a grenade. Yeah, they have a grenade. Yeah, they have a bandolier of bullets. Dad, you better come quick. They're peer pressuring me into drinking a White Claw.

Don't you worry, baby girl. I'm going to kill every last one of them. That really is a fantasy. Somebody's teenagers are experimenting with themselves. Looks like it's time for me to go take some lobs. And then it'll be like a... And then he'll drive over. Like, it's crazy.

Yeah, he'll drive over there and be like, yeah, excuse me. My daughter's in there. She's like the dad from Friday Night Lights. Yeah, Coach Taylor. Yeah, just fucking duct taping some kid's hands together. Like, you hold on to Christ! I need you to run the ball!

Run the goddamn ball! You fumble God! God, I would have fucking killed everybody if I was there. If I was a kid, if I had any awareness of where I was from and I knew how retarded where you guys were from and I was around you. If my family moved and I was there, I would have

killed everybody. Imagine everybody is just eating soup out of the dents in their own head. Yeah. And they're like, Ben and Jace, eating soup out of the dents in their own head. Yeah. And they're like... Yeah. And they're like,

Ben and Jace, they can't even eat soup out of their own skull. What are you guys, a bunch of fucking gays? I remember I literally, they called me in... Yeah, they carry the soup to school in their den. They put some saran wrap over it to save it for lunch.

Yeah, before lunch, they just walk out into the sun for 45 minutes so it gets hot. Mmm, clam tato again. Those gay Avery boys can barely fit any stoop in their heads I heard the Averys have aspirations Now I remember in middle school They called me Jaysus the racist Because I was trying to like They were telling like N-word jokes

And I was like that's like fucked up And then they started calling me Jaysus the racist Because of that Because I was like we shouldn't tell The AstroTurf jokes. Wow, they really flipped it on you, too. Yeah, they flipped it on me. They were like, you think this is racist? I'm like, you're a racist!

Your name rhymes with it! You're a liberal racist! Yeah, I went to school with Ben Shapiro. Well, actually, you're racist. Oh, man. It was so easy to be edgy back then because though you could just like you could just say the right thing or but in terms of like comedy like on the other side of

things you could just sing like the barney is dead song yeah you know the you know what i'm talking about devin i think so how does it go jace do you remember it off the do you remember from 30 years ago yeah it was like i hate you hate me, we're a hateful family. Barney. He's dead, Barney. Okay, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. You do something like that, and you get called to the principal's office. It's a whole big day.

Your parents have to come to school. I mean, they'll do an exorcism on you in the principal's office. They're like, man, we think your kid might start a revolution. You're Fred Hampton. I'm going to start a rainbow coalition here at Tuscaloosa Elementary. Meanwhile, you could be doing Fred Phelps' God hates fags shit outside of the school, and no one would care. You could throw hot dogs at the gay kid, and they'd be like, that's great.

That's awesome. I remember- The teacher leans over, they go, keep doing that. They're like, great. That's awesome. You should try and throw it dogs at the gay kid and they'd be like, that's great. That's awesome. I remember. The teacher leans over, they go, keep doing that. I'm like, great. That's awesome. You should try and throw it harder at them. Maybe freeze them beforehand so they really break the skin. I'm so proud of you.

Do you want to go home early? Do you want to go home? You got it. You want the keys to my truck? Every time you gay bash a kid, you get a gold star. And if you get 10, you get to leave on Friday. You get to leave on Friday. Dude, one kid in my history class went to, they actually had to send him home because we had to write a political paper around the time Obama was getting president, becoming president.

And he wrote a whole thing about how we need to get that. Luckily, I got out of college. I got into college right as Obama was getting elected. Yeah, because this was probably my junior year. Ben got this. I think I missed this just barely. God, I can't imagine Obama getting elected and living there. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Yeah, going to Anthony Kamiya High. Everybody's dressed like Hunter S. Thompson. We were somewhere around Barstool when Obama got elected. On the outskirts of the desert. Dude, so some kid had to get sent home because, dude, he wrote a paper that said, get that out of the White House. Like, that was the title of it. Jesus.

And the whole thing, he said, like, he's a, I can't even say the words. I mean, good Lord. But he used all of them. Yeah, sure. Just use your imagination. Right. The I can't even say the words. I mean, good Lord. But he used all of them. Yeah, sure. Just use your imagination. Right. The one with the J and the C. And, of course, the N, they were all used.

Yeah. And he, like, handed it in, like, smiling, like, thinking he wrote a great, like, political, like, dissertation on, like, why Obama shouldn't be president. Yeah, he thought he was, like, racist Noam Chomsky. Chomsky. And basically the teacher was like, look, like, you know, I don't like, I don't like Obama either, but like you said, we need to like kill him. Like, like this is like terrorism basically. Like they had to like send him home, but they also were like, you got your head in the right place, kid.

But like, you know, just go, just go cool off for a bit. I get where you're coming from. Like send him home with paid leave. We're going to, we're going to give him home with paid leave. We're gonna give him a desk job at school. He's now the new head sheriff. Yeah, that's why they call him in the office.

They're like, we think you showed some promise, boy. Get your ass down to the shooting range. You can get your head out of your ass. Stop writing papers like a Nancy. We can really use you. Now, we do like how many of the words are misspelled. Save those words for the football field, son.

Now, I need to let you know, son, it's two Gs, not one. That's a country in Africa. The one G is that country they're from. the one G is that country they're from. See, Africa knows. They know. They named it. So I can't say it, but they can name a whole damn... I can't say it, but they can name a whole goddamn country that.

Oh, shit. Goddamn. Now, I remember fucking in science class i had uh we had to make a video on like erosion or whatever like a five minute video and one of our uh classmates was like we're like oh we're gonna do a funny skin he was like that's fucking retard you guys are gay and retarded his name was nick so we made the video and throughout the video we just would we would be like erosion is how canyons are formed and then it would cut to a random student from the school just going like suck it nick and do the brett michaels chop like around their fucking waist i remember this just like suck it nick x chop and it was like everybody was laughing and our friend Nick thought it was hilarious and

then we got called to uh Mr. Lippy's office who was the principal like the next day like apparently one of the kids went home big drunk yeah Mr. Lippy yeah the principal was like a big drunk the principal was we fall out of his corvette every morning just beer cans yeah he's like bad Santa yeah dude he looked like um Sid the Sloth from Ice Age. Okay. He had a fucked up weird head. I remember he had a five o'clock shadow that went all the way around his neck. So it just looked like he was wearing a sweater that went into his face.

And yeah, he would just literally be like hungover. Be like, oh, God damn it. And he called me to the principal's office because one kid this fucking kid who used to like literally work for the police um he would go undercover to gas stations and try to buy cigarettes yeah i forgot about that because he worked with the police department if they sold him cigarettes without checking his id he would like go tell the cops and the cops would like go like arrest or like punish... It's a Christian sting operations people would do at their church. They would send a 17-year-old boy undercover to buy cigarettes.

And then get the store owner arrested. And he was usually probably a minority or whatever. Probably. Always. Yeah, they don't do it to Jim Bob. Exactly. Not the guy who runs the good old general store down the street. They don't do it to Jim Bob at the good old general store.

That's where I get my child porn. The best child porn and red man in the whole damn state. Brother, I think I might go home, dip, watch some CP. You know, the best thing about these head dips, head dents, is we can use them as a spitter.

God, where you guys are from sucks ass. Yeah, we had little gay Serpicos running around. Is this Abilene? We were outside Abilene, Texas. We were in Tuscola, Texas. Let me, anyway, just... Yeah, sorry.

Great story. I got to finish it. Great story, guys. I got to save it for the pod. He took me into his office and he's like, I got to finish it. Great story, guys. I got to save it for the pod. He took me into his office. He's like, all right, did you make this video? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right. And then he leaned forward and got real serious.

He was acting like he was a sheriff. And he goes, now I need to ask you what suck it? That phrase y'all keep using. I was like, yes, sir. He goes, what is it? And I was like, I don't. I was just trying to put was just trying to play down like i don't know what you mean he goes what is what is it that you were sucking on when you say suck it and you do that chop move and i go it's um it's a penis mr lippy and he's like that's what i thought and he like knocked on the table like frank under what he goes that's what i

thought i thought it was penis. I'm disgusted. I am disgusted. We were in a good school where we're trying to molest children out of. And you come put that filth on my TV? I think not. And he basically was like, are you got two options? You can do ISS or

we'll just give you a spanking and I just chose the spanking. That would have been great if he was asking you just to literally find out what it is. He goes, and what is it? You go, a penis. And he goes, and where's that? And you go down here. He goes, show me.

He goes, touch it. Now stroke. He goes, wait, are you telling me you can put it in a mouth and they can suck on it? Oh, my God. Like a whistle? Yeah. I'm going to call the boys down at the 4-H club. Wait, like a damn straw?

You mean like we do to all the goats on the farm? Oh, my God. Where we suck them off to get the milk? Dude, I read Larry McMurtry's last picture show, and all the boys go down to the barn at one point for fun, and they all have sex with goats. Yeah, yeah. Or pigs or something. I think it was the goats. Is that in the movie? all the boys go down to the barn at one point for fun and they all have sex with goats or pigs or something. I think it was the goats. Is that in the movie? I don't think so. They must have left that out.

Chorus Leachman played the goat. You know what's always, it's a weird thought this may be really stupid but like towns like yours where you're from and you guys are giving me first hand knowledge about how just absolutely idiotic everybody is i'm always like i've had weird thoughts sometimes where i'm like everyone's so stupid how do they even have like air conditioning like that's such a incredible technology like i'm like the most sophisticated thing in the in these towns is

like the air conditioning or the engines of the cars. Like everyone's so retarded, but they have, like it's crazy. Like if they were to, like their idea of AC is a big block of ice with a fan in front of it. Yeah, like it's insane they even get air conditioning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're such mongoloids. There was like one guy who like took a trip to the big city in like 87 and was like, I just went to Wichita Falls. You would not

believe how cold the Denny's is. Now listen. I walked into a Denny's. I thought it was December and September. Now listen, we may have to compromise. We can bring a couple of these into town. They are made by the Jews, but

we got to do what we got to do. It's hot as hell. It's hot. I'm like, Jew boxes? It's a Jew box. It controls the weather inside your house. The Jews figured out. They got the witchcraft. Yeah.

Talk about the Jews control the weather. They control the weather in my goddamn living room. It's a small version of what they use in the atmosphere. Honey, we don't got to stick our head in the freezer no more. We don't have to send our boy five miles down the road for the ice block. Carrying big blocks of ice like they're fucking in 1920. Do your parents, have they seen No Kinds of Fur Old Men? You know, dad has had to see.

My dad has seen every movie with his eyes closed. He's like a cinephile who's just, he could tell you you the first two minutes of every movie and then he just falls asleep immediately. He's one of those guys. He knows all the great old westerns. He's like, let's watch The Searchers. So The Searchers on and then he just gets to the point where John Wayne shoots the Indian in both eyes. And he's like...

Yeah, he's just like, well, I got my fill. Yeah, he shuts it off right before they learn that the Indians are okay and Natalie Wood is part Indian now. He's like, I don't need this shit. Dad, remember when we tried to get Dad to watch The Matrix that one time? He fell asleep like three minutes in and he woke up. He's like, that movie was so confusing. He slept through the whole movie.

He slept through the whole thing. He like i he's like i don't know y'all are way smarter than that yeah i'm glad i raised two boys much smarter than i don't know what was going on well thank god he fell asleep because we were like hey do you want to watch the fucking trans like leather movie right there's literally like if you rewatch it there's like they go to the club and there's just like guys with like leather dicks on just like waving them around and shit he would like send us to boarding school i think trinity is supposed to be like is trans in the that movie or something like that well she means the three like you know the father son and the holy ghost so she's all the genders yeah she's uh the two good ones in the weird one

that will be the the he the she and the it the day yeah be the he, the she, and the it. The they. Or the they. Yeah, exactly. Or the they. At that time, you didn't have to do any of that. No. It was like 1999, right? Dude, I think Dad took us to see every single Lord of the Rings in theaters, and he didn't

see a second of it. And it was like, it changed my life when I saw that. Yeah. It was amazing. I remember us going to see The Tree of Life when I was like 20. And then we watched the whole thing with our dad. You know, it's such like a father-son. A Terrence Malick film. Three hour where it's like, father, mother, why have you forgiven me?

It's a small town in Texas. It's a small town in West Texas about the time period he grew up in with a dad similar to his dad. And I'm like weeping and I'm looking over at Ben and like he's emotional. It's like the creation of the earth. It's like these amazing sequences. You've seen it, right? I have, yeah. Yeah, we finally walk out of the movie,

and my dad goes, pretty gay movie. He goes, that movie was gay and weird. That kicks ass, actually. That's awesome. He's like, chow, chow, chow. Our dad is just Beavis and Butthead. Yeah, you like that gay shit, huh? Yeah. Our dad is wearing an ACDC cutoff,ead. Yeah, you like that gay shit, huh? Yeah.

Our dad is wearing an ACDC cutoff, and he goes, bunch of fucking queers. Dad, like, pants us in the parking lot. We're just crying. He's like, y'all were watching Tree of Life. I was watching Road Trip. It's crazy.

They go on a trip to get a sex tape. There's all sorts of tents. He walks into the theater over to watch Drumline or something. He's like, that boy can play. Oh, my God, what they can do with a box. Look at them sticks move, boy. Look at them. If I could get those boys on a basketball court,

Lord knows they could do the best mic and drill you've ever seen. What were the football games like? Were they as cool as they're all chalked up to be, like the Texas Friday night football games? They were pretty intense. That's all I've wanted. Anytime I've driven through Texas, I kind of do, like I sometimes want to make a little pit stop and go to a high school football game. I mean, so traumatic. I got Sprite dumped on my head one game. Yeah.

Were you the guy that was doing, like you were taking pictures for the yearbook and shit like that? No, I would just show up and I would try to be in the student section and just, it just sucked. It sucked really bad. It was bad. You'd hang out with all the girls and try to be cool even though you're not playing football. Yeah, I would try to have a girlfriend here and there and people would be like, you're gay. Gay, gay, gay.

Gay, gay, gay. Yeah, you would always have a girlfriend for a week and then you'd bring her to the football game and they'd be like, you thought she was going out with you for real? Gay. Stuff like that. I'd show up to a party and my girlfriend was grinding on some other guy,

like on my best friend. Like stuff like that where I'm like, I guess I don't have a girlfriend now. And now everybody's going to come up to me at this like party and be like, hey, do you want to dance with me though? And I'd be like, oh, I'm Christian, so I can't dance.

And they'd be like, okay, we felt bad for you, but you actually really suck ass, so I don't even know what you're doing here. Oh, god damn it. Such polar opposite high school football experiences for you guys and me. What was yours? Oh, it was fun.

It was an all-guys school, and you could just be vicious. Friends would get injured, and I'd yell, faker! I'd say people are faking injuries. One time, the best player on the team got injured, and this guy we hated who was on the team but never played, he was looking at us in the stands, and we were like, it should have been you! As the guys go to ACL.

I didn't drink at the time or do anything, but everyone would get hammered in the park. Were you insanely fat? Were you fat bastard level fat? I wasn't fat bastard level fat, but I was like just a fat kid.

I was just a fat kid. You were kind of like shaped like Uncle Fester I remember. And I was so depressed I couldn't bring myself to do anything. Like if there was,

if my Korean friends didn't have Axe body spray around, like I just smelled. I like couldn't bring myself to put deodorant on. I was like, what's deodorant

another thing another thing I gotta do sure it got to the point where there was a couple times where I'd go out my friends would be like you gotta come to this thing

I'd be like okay and I'm like oh but they're gonna make fun of me because I smell so I would light a match and I would like blow out the match like when you and I would just put the smoke

the smoke under my pits so at least pits so at least that's like that's like actually more work than putting deodorant on i couldn't bring myself to do anything you're like starting a fire in the woods you're like well i don't want to smell bad i'll just rub this shit all well, if I smell like smoke... You're like, well, I don't want to smell bad. I'll just rub this shit all over me so I smell like shit. It's so funny because people are like, if I could go back in time and tell my younger self

something, they would say, like, you know, give some great life advice. You would go back in time and be like, dude, take a shower. Wipe your ass. What is wrong with you? It got to the point where I would gaslight people for taking showers. It's how I grew my humor.

I would just try and defend what a pig I was and gaslight people. I remember me and my other friend who were super depressed, we would do things and be like, why don't you come over? And our friends would be like, okay, I'm going to go home, take a shower, and then I'll come over and we would be like, what do you got to take a shower for, dad?

What do you think, we're banging? Do you think we're going to yank out pussy? Fucking come over. You better stink. We're going to play NBA 2K. Dude, we're going to smell you, dude. We're going to smell you. If you don't stink, we're kicking you out. If we don't smell your balls through your basketball shorts,

we're going to kick your fucking ass. If your balls don't smell like potato chips, you cannot go to the strip club and grant that thought. If a single girl walks up to us today because of you. Yeah. I would literally just go back in time and just be like, just fuck everyone you can.

Do that. Oh, so you're like Alan Alda in A Little Miss Sunshine. I would basically do that. You're like, do heroin. Do heroin, get pussy, get bitches. Don't take no for an answer. Yeah, I would just play myself get rich or die trying.

Until 2016, don't take no for an answer. Yeah, exactly. And then move. And then move. I would go back in time. Get really into progressivism. I would go back in time and I would just tell myself, just don't hydrate with soda.

And you'll lose so much weight. You'll be so much better off. I drink soda all day. It was because my school, the only thing I was having, my mom and dad would never buy soda, but it made me fatter. How much soda were you drinking and what kind? When I'm out of the house,

it was insane amounts of soda. They had a soda machine in the cafeteria, and I'm talking like the good one where it's the fucking, what's it called? You know, when you actually. Oh, where it like picks the thing up with the robot arm and brings it down to you?

No, it wasn't bottled. It was like. Fountain. Fountain, yes. Oh, okay. Oh, you had a fountain soda. Fountain. Oh, yeah.

So I had a Styrofoam cup all day. I was like fat, retarded future. Yeah, yeah. And I would just get like just Pepsi all day. So it was a Pepsi. Pepsi, Coke. Either Pepsi or Coke. Pepsi or Coke.

Would you do the suicide where you do whatever? I do suicide all the time. Anytime I was at a friend's house. I remember we used to play basketball. And when we were all tired, we'd come into my friend's uh mom's house we go to the fridge and they don't drink water i'd be like what are you guys retarded i'd like to like chug a coke i only drank coke because my parents never let me have it it was always like hansons or like that gay shit i was i was like a bloodhound with soda. We went on a field trip one time. Just like tearing shit out of the fridge.

We went on a field trip one time and we had to stay at this hotel overnight somewhere. And I ran out and bought a ton of Coca-Cola on the vending machine. And then we weren't allowed to have it. So I hid like 30 cans of Coke under the mattress in the hotel. You were like in that Fat Camp movie. Dude, it was truly, it was insane. You were in heavyweights where they hide candy in the frame of the bed and shit.

I would eat a breakfast burrito, I would time it, so I would fall asleep in class, so it would put me out. Like a terror. I'd get like extra bacon, extra sausage, cheese. Like we had amazing breakfast burritos and they were all day. I'd get like three of them a day sometimes.

And I'd beg too. I had no money. I would just beg out front of the cafeteria for change. You were like in Trainspotting. I was a burrito addict, heroin addict burrito man. You tying up your neck with a belt so you can put soda in it. It's like Requiem for a Dream. He's like sucking up guys for breakfast.

They have to remove one of his titties. He's crying in the bed. Devin's ass to assing a hoagie. Only fight I ever got in, and people actually were like, Devin's kind of tough, was because a kid hit my McDouble out of my hand at the bus stop. You went nuclear on him? I went crazy, and I punched him, and it was on video. And everyone thought I was cool.

But then he pushed me into a rosebush when I wasn't looking, and I had to be helped out. With thorns and stuff. With thorns. It was really rough. And you were fat. And I was fat. Yeah, but to be fair, when you're a kid, like, a McDouble is, like... It was a big deal.

It's a big deal. It's a huge deal. Yeah, yeah. You had to wait. You had to save up money all day for that shit. I remember I would just, like, rifle through my mom's, like, purse sometimes on Fridays. Like, just, like, grab, like, a 20 so I could, like, fucking just buy McDonald's at the end of the day and, like, treat myself like I was some, like, fucking retiree.

Yeah, you really were, like, a 34-year-old guy spinning out. It was brutal, and I'd be making all sorts of commentary as all my friends got laid and shit, and I'd be in the corner like fucking Paul Giamatti and sideways or some shit, just like this jaded asshole. Your friend's getting sucked off. Okay, buddy, enjoy that. Your friend's just shooting ropes. You're like. Enjoy that. Your friend's just shooting ropes.

You're like, all right. Yeah, have fun with that. I mean, yeah, who doesn't? I'm going to watch the Lakers play the Grizzlies at seven. You're like, why don't we do like cyphers? Nobody does cyphers at parties. Trying to show people like dance with the devil. Yeah, you're wearing the common hat from 2005. at parties. Trying to show people like dance with the devil. Yeah.

You're wearing the common hat from 2005. The bucket hat that Eminem wore. Oh God, I was so miserable. I love that you were so fat. It makes me laugh so hard.

I was so fat that I was allergic to cats. So everyone's house that we would like have sleepovers at, I was always like, I was like, I would itch my throat.

I'd be like, like all, and we were all playing video games and was always like, I would itch my throat. I'd be like... We were all playing video games and everyone was like, God damn it, Devin. You just smelled like shit. I smelled like shit. You smelled like poop. No, I literally, I smelled like, my shit smelled like, it came through the basketball shirts and it smelled like coins. I remember my friends

would be like, you smell like quarters. Can I ask you something? There's so much built up grime. It was so much grime. It was like the inside of a cell phone. I grabbed Axe and I'd open my basketball shirt and I'd spray my cock with it. It was like stinging.

It was like sting my dick and ass. It was horrible. Dude, I remember we used to put Axe on it and it really hurt. You would get rashes and hives and shit. Yeah, we were all allergic to it. It was like a little Nuremberg shower or something.

All I lived for was to play Time Crisis 2 at the theater because the gun had a it would actually go, it would fire back like a real gun. The only happiness I got was like, man, it feels like a gun. You'd just be pointing it at people. I'll do this in my school. I'm not even doing the game. I'm just like shooting my friends. I'll do this in my school. Yeah, I'm not even doing the game.

I'm just like shooting my friends. I'll fucking show all of you. That you're cool with your girlfriend. Can I ask you, why didn't your mom tell you just to like, here's a bar of soap or something? Or like hose you down like in the backyard like a dog? I don't know. Did they smell you?

My mom just, yeah, probably. My mom just knew I was really sad. And my mom just yeah probably my mom just knew I was really sad and my dad just I was like an embarrassment my dad came home one time with like boxing equipment

he came home he came home with boxing equipment that is such a your dad move yeah it was like out of like a boys life he probably just saw

a boys life and he's like I'm gonna beat De Niro no truly he came home one time and he goes come on he's like

he made me get off the couch and he made me put these home one time and he goes, come on! He made me get off the couch and he made me put these boxing gloves on and he's like, come on! Punch! Go! And I'm like, I don't want to do this! You're just chugging stuff. I don't want to! I remember my dad one time, I was like the catcher

for Little League. And he's like, here, I'll teach you how to throw some pitches or catch some pitches. And He was throwing to me. My dad was a really good athlete, so he was chucking them in there like 80 miles an hour. My dad could bench back in the day. Yeah, my dad could bench like fucking 350. He was a jagged guy. Looking back, he was just one of those incels

who works out a lot because he wants to kill himself. He was a gym cell, really. He was a gym cell, exactly. He's like, well, if I bench 350, I won't want to kill myself in front of my sons. Gym cell. God, I'm going to have to text mom not to listen to this. Mom just texted me, in fact.

Okay. She's like, her new app. Your dad's a gym cell. Heard the new app. You really got him. Great job. But I remember he was just chucking 80 mile an hour fucking pitches and they're like hurting my hand. And he's like, all right, we'll do one last one.

And he threw a fucking curveball, but he didn't tell me it was going to be a curveball. So it's going up like above my head. So I go up. I like reach up to grab it and then it curves and it hits me in the neck. Oh, God. And I'm literally on the ground. Go. He's just like, I just shut away.

It's like you got to be able to catch those. I should have just had a girl. I think it's the problem of a really good at sports dad. His life just rules until he's 24 and then it's the most suckage possible. You'll never recapture

those glory days. Our dad was a star athlete and then he never recapture those glory days. Yeah. Our dad was a star athlete and then he literally was picking cotton for two years after he graduated college. Until he became a coach. He was picking cotton.

He literally was like, he's like, I'm going to get the shitty job from 1800. But I think he was really bad about it. He told me a story where he was trying

to put the cotton on the cotton truck or whatever, like the 18-wheeler, however it works now. And he said he just didn't really care about it, and one just broke and the cotton just blew across the freeway.

All the cotton he picked for that day just went everywhere. He was like, well, whatever. And a guy just hit him with a whip in the back. Dad is literally like a Coen Brothers character. Yeah, he's the chicken farmer from No Country. Dad's like, I'm staying at the Jolly Ron.

Oh, yeah, you know, I'm staying at the hotel here, and, you know, I just miss you so much. Larry. We love you, Larry. But you have to leave the house. Think of the children, Larry. Larry, just pick the cotton, Larry. Yeah.

I remember watching that movie at 19 and being like, this is so confusing. And then at 30 being like, oh, I'm Richard Kind. I get my head blown off in a canoe. Yeah, and I'm the Jewish guy. I literally texted you that like three months ago. It was a picture of Richard Kind and fucking Michael Stuhlberger. And I was like, it's us. Yeah, because he even looks like me.

Yeah. He does look like me. And then I was like, yeah, I because he even looks like me yeah he does look like me and then I was like yeah I'm the guy you're rich or kind I'm the guy in the other room like trying to figure out the entire universe and then just getting arrested for child pornography yeah yeah you have a goiter machine I'm being harassed by an Asian man yeah no

mistake I'm just saying things get mid place it's such a good movie amazing movie No mistake. I'm just saying. Things get mid-place. That's such a good movie. Amazing movie. Looking back, that might be their second best movie. I don't... Wait, what's... No country for old men.

Okay, if you were going to say Blood Simple, I was going to punch you in the face. No, Blood Simple's fine, but it's like whatever. It's good, but it's still really early when they... Yeah. You know they learned how to make movies with Sam Raimi doing Evil Dead. Sam Hyde.

They did the Boulder sketch. The Coen brothers. We're in Million Dollar Extreme. We're in Million Dollar Extreme. That's where Sam and I got the idea for the Boulder sketch was looking at Ethan Coen's Jewish face. He's looking at Joel and Ethan going like,

yeah, you know, when you make movies, God, fuck, I hate doing this. God, that wine sketch still makes me laugh so hard. For a million dollars a train? Yeah, it's one of the funniest things of all time. Buddy, you're talking to my wife here.

She's a dog and I hate her. Dude, Nick is so funny. Did you get to meet Nick? No, I hate her Dude Nick is so funny Did you get to meet Nick? No I've never met Nick I've DM'd him a couple times Maybe I'll meet him one day I want to make the flight out there and meet Nick Where do they live?

I'd be interested Like Rhode Island Beautiful area this time of year Yeah you went to New Hampshire Jace was sending me pictures He was walking around taking pictures of trees and waterfalls and stuff. Yeah, they have that there. Yeah.

It was funny. At one point, I was walking. I went there to bone my girlfriend. What's with all these trees? Yeah, I'm like, I just want to bone. I told dad, by the way, you have a girlfriend in New Hampshire. What did he say? He goes, oh, New Hampshire.

He goes, isn't that where a lot of rich people live? Yeah, that's my dad immediately trying to snuff out, like, how much money does she have? But also he asks questions where he's like, it's like when people talk about the West in the 1800s or California. A lot of gold out that way. He's like, what, does she work in the oil fields? He's looking for the next thing. He is always trying to be like, I hope they just suck a lot of money out of a woman

because it's not going to work out for them. They've got my Charlie Brown gene. This podcast should just be called Fuck My Dad. That was actually beautiful. It's funny, it's the most beautiful place you've ever seen and everybody is the ugliest piece of shit that's ever existed the east coast is crazy the people really aren't that good look everybody looks like fucking like the guy who does real life peter griffin at anime conventions yeah like i swear to god that guy dude

yeah yeah that guy sucks you literally like land in b and people are like, freaking sweet. There's a little baby with a football-shaped head who's gay and British. Being raised in LA, I remember when I was in DC and we'd walk by groups of women having brunch or whatever. I remember having a moment where I did a double take. I was like, all those women have fries. It was a huge plate of a big burger or something and fries and i was like oh like that's normal like out here it's like crazy for you know to see a woman like eating yeah people are like

almond wives around here yeah or they just have anorexia yeah exactly no i literally was like i had a layover in jfk and so it was JFK to Boston. It was just people from New York and Boston, and I was sitting next to a woman who literally had an Italian. She had Scorsese's mom's hair and good fellas, and she was just going like, the flight's been delayed 15 minutes, and it's a fucking travesty. I hate it so goddamn much here.

And then I literally turn, and there's a Ugandan Guy working for Southwest being like Everyone get back Get back from the gates And other people are like I paid for my fucking ticket You're like fuck I love these people dude Just fat dumb Italian and Irish people Yeah No Southwest is hiring like lion tamers

From other countries They're like you have to just stand in front of the terminal and you can't let them charge. We can't give you a gun. Your two choices are to deal with these fat retards or get your hands chopped off at a rubber factory. Here's a whip and some combos. If they get too close, throw the combos.

They'll scatter. They throw them and they scatter. Combos will buy at least five minutes. Here's some pizza flavored ones in case it gets really crazy. Everybody there is shaped like the people from the far side. Everyone's fucked up, dude.

Yeah, they all look like they ate a hula hoop. They have that type of belly where you're like, how is that even? It's so perfectly round. You're shaped like the clown from Spawn. How does that happen? Isn't that Sean Leguizamo? That's Sean Leg You're shaped like the clown from Spawn. How does that happen? Isn't that Sean Leguizamo? That's Sean Leguizamo playing the clown.

Yeah, that rolls. Dude, by the way, you know it's dad's birthday today. Did you call him? No. So I called him. Okay. And dude, he literally, guess how long he wanted to talk to me for before he was trying to stop talking.

Probably about 45 seconds. No, it's literally 30 seconds. And you know what he did this time? Because he goes, after we did the pleasantries of happy birthday, and he goes, happy birthday. He said, wish me a happy birthday. He's so out of it.

He's like, happy birthday. They're going to tell us they would bottomize dad and they haven't told us yet. They're saving it for Thanksgiving. He goes, yeah, is this cheap? Mom's like, dad got some work done. Yeah, I guess it was just a big moon shape in his forehead. Moon.

Happy birthday. He did the classic, like, he said, oh, I think your mom wants to talk to you. And she goes, what? I hear her go, what? And we just throw the phone at her. Yeah yeah and then i talked to mom for 15 minutes yeah it's very i guess we're just doing a whole podcast about dad and then he just goes ah well i'll see you in three weeks so i'll see you when i see you for thanksgiving yeah it is like a phone call you would make at a tennessee williams play a Tennessee Williams play. You almost expect to call him like,

Papa! And he's like, I'll see you when I see you, kid. I'll see you when I see you. And then just the stage lights go dim. You're like, ah, it's so sad. He's just like, the only thing, in terms of his wisdom, it's so funny.

He's just like, New Hampshire? Heard they got a lot of rich people out there. Like he's a poor guy in 1915. By the way, he would say that if she lived in literally any state besides Texas. My dad's idea of a rich person is somebody who wears a top hat and eats a big steak. Has like a pocket watch and a handkerchief. He goes, that's a big fancy millionaire. And a handkerchief.

He goes, that's a big fancy millionaire. No, it's very, it's very, I mean, his advice to us, his greatest advice growing up was like, don't pursue anything you love doing. He was like, make a lot of money. Just make a lot of money. Just make a lot of money. That's all you got to do. That's all you should care about. Because you don't want to be like me where you're like 47 and you still have to work for a living. I was like,

but in my head then I was like, yeah, I don't want to be 47 and still have a job. And I realized that that's like literally everybody on the planet. And if somebody's 47 and they don't need a job, they want to kill themselves. Anybody who's inherited enough money to never work is the most miserable

bastard in the world. You kind of need something. Kids these days need to get a damn job. Well, it's like the videos of 90-year-old women and they still work at Chick-fil-A. And then people on Twitter are like, I can't. They're like, yeah, great land of the free we live in. I'm like, she wants to work. She doesn't have a landlord or something.

The alternative is that we put her in a big box and then she dies while Jamaican nurse yells at her. Let her get people like honey mustard. Who cares? It's a great, it's probably, by the way, it's also probably a great place to work. Chick-fil-A. Oh, everyone's super nice. Yeah, she's probably like, here's your order.

God hates facts. Plus she got the job there. That's the only reason she works there. All right, well, you know, two men shouldn't be in a car together by themselves. She's a greeter at the door. God hates fags. Welcome in. She was like Joseph Gerbel's wife.

I told you to do that. I told you to stand at the door. She was like a wife of a Nazi scientist. Yeah. She had to adopt an American accent to blend in. Yeah, her tag says Chick-fil-A Werheim. Von Brom. Sarah Mengele.

She's like, let me see those inshazers. Welcome to Chick-fil-A. God hates fags. Do you think Chick-fil-A will ever come out and just say, like, no Jews? Yeah. They just go super.

And unfortunately, their sales would, like, triple in this country. Dude, if Chick-fil-A was a thing in 2001, which I don't think it was, was it? No, it's been a thing since, like, the 80s, hasn't it? Oh, really? I think it's been around a while. Oh, never mind. I don't remember it until, like until the late 2000s in Texas. It got much bigger. Well, if they were a big

establishment in 2001, I feel like they would have banned Muslims from eating there. And they might have, for all we know. Yeah, maybe they did. I need to have a Wayback Machine and go on Chick-fil-A.com and it just says no Arabs, no Jews at the top of the website in 2001. After 9-11

they're like, we're serving pork now. Trump's advisors was Chick-fil-A. I'm just trying to see when it was... When was Chick-fil-A founded? 1946. In Hapeville, Georgia. Hapeville?

Hape. Like ape with an H in front of it. Hapeville, Georgia. Yeah, they? Hape. Like ape with an H in front of it. Hapeville, Georgia. Yeah, they were forced to change the name of that town. To put an H in front of it. It was founded in Sundown, Georgia. Oh, man. Yeah, Chick-fil-A is good, though.

Welcome to Extra Muscle, Mississippi. Extra muscle Mississippi. Down here at Skull Size North Carolina. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of people. There's a lot of old people that do Uber just because they're bored. Like, they just want to get out. Yeah. This old Korean guy drove me from LAX and he is like, I like felt bad for him. Like when I got in the car because I was like, oh, God, he's like 80.

He's like, he's like this nice Korean guy. He's like, I let him smoke cigarettes in the cab because I could tell he smoked and stuff. Which is literally like Christmas for them. Yes. When I say you can smoke, by the way. Smoke with the windows rolled up. He goes, okay. How did he drive while crouching?

Yeah, he's crouching in the seat. Driving with his legs. He's like, you have good flight? Dude, he told me his whole life story in like 30 minutes, but basically he saved all of his money made great investments like owns like three houses in la drives a cab just because he loves having conversations oh really yeah he was like one

of the nicest people i've ever talked to he told me a lot of stuff about korea and then his kids he raised them in like vegas and they're super successful, and they have their own companies, or they worked at companies and worked their way up, and they own multiple homes all over the US. They're very successful. And he's like, my son keeps telling me not to work, not to, I don't need to do this job. He goes, I love doing it because I love meeting people, and I love helping others. It's like the money doesn't mean anything to me.

This just gives my life purpose. Yeah. That's why Asians live forever, because they actually enjoy working hard. You know what I like? White guys, you literally retire and their heads explode within three days. Yeah, they lose their minds. Yeah. Dude, my dad retired.

White guys just try to find the laziest job as quickly as they can. They're like, I'll just be a manager at a factory that doesn't actually make anything. I'll be a greeter at Walmart. That's what my uncle does. He's a dumpster diver and he's a greeter at Walmart. Yeah, they're like... He lives in like Oregon. They're like treasure hunters.

That's really brutal. Yeah, yeah. I'll work at a doormat factory. Yeah, I'll work all the jobs we didn't let Asian people do 80 years ago. So they had to figure out how to be mega successful around that. Yeah, they're just like building the railroads. Yeah. I'll do a job that could buy you a house in 1915 but just everybody fucking they just completely changed society out of because you could just be you know some fucking dumb ass at the ford factory and just be like perfectly fine yeah i mean you have to be high

yeah all of it or very dumb. No, I mean, like, in 1950, you could literally, like, if you went to, like, let's see the phone factory. It would literally be guys in suits, like, putting machinery together. Right. And then they would go home to, like, an eighth room. They'd go home to, like, a mansion. They'd go home to, like, a mansion. And then now that same person is what you're saying.

They're, like, doing whippets on the assembly line. Yes. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. Get out of here. The dogs got upset. We were talking about Asian people. Get them out of there.

Get them out of here. Yeah. Jesus Christ. All right. Sorry about that. Yeah, no worries. If you want to hear the dogs fuck up the podcast, that's the $10 tier.

We're doing all dogs podcasts. Yeah, that'll be an edited clip. Gracie and Emma did like a dueling Kramer thing just now where they like burst in through the door wrestling over like a bone or a bowl or something. Yeah. That was insane. They did a Kramer Newman stumble into the doorway.

They did. They have great timing. And they don't do that when we're not recording. No. They did a Kramer Newman stumble into the doorway. They did. They have great timing. And they don't do that when we're not recording. No. They just go to bed. Literally, the second episode we recorded, Emma, who I've never seen chew it on a bone, pulled out a Flintstones bone. Yeah, dude.

It just started like... It was insane. It sounded like a xylophone. Gracie's back in the room somehow. How did she get back in? I just put her outside. She just transported through the wall. Gracie, come on. Get out of here, Gracie's back in the room somehow. How did she get back in? I just put her outside. She's just like transported through the wall.

Gracie, come on. Get out of here, Gracie. Get out of here. They think podcasting's gay. Oh, that's great. Yeah, close the door. There we go. All right.

A few technical difficulties, but we're back. Now we can just fuck each other. Now that the dog's a guy, we can all bone the shit out of each other. If someone walked in on us midway through a podcast, it does feel like someone walking in on you jacking off.

I would rather get caught jacking off than podcasting. It's pretty embarrassing. I'd rather be fully gooned out, four monitors up, playing all different types of weird porn. I would rather be in in a sex swing my ass pointed towards the door by myself than to be

with two of my friends going like dude what if fucking Chinese people were like what if they were Puerto Rican? Imagine Joe Biden Chinese. Yeah I would rather have the fucking machine from a burn after Reading shooting a dildo. I'd rather people find out I'm making a sex machine.

You're like drilling together. Yeah, I have a saw and like a plywood. You're like you're turning a Bunsen burner like a torch on. The welding mask. Yeah, the welding mask. and he's also jacking up yeah the bitch is the most biggest it looks like those uh gyroscopes you spin around it there's dicks everywhere like the way computers were super big in the 80s that's what devin's doing for sex machines now there's like punch cards that you have to push in.

Fuck your own ass. There's three black women programming your dildo machine. Yeah, with big beehive. Beehives. Honey, you missed a zero right there. You're trying to get the president on the phone.

I did. I think I told you this, but I did have an idea. You have to test out the sex machine and like you can't see your family for like nine months no it's like a whole space film it's funded by nasa yeah you're like dr oppenheimer you're like i can't honey the fate of the nation is on the line daddy's gonna go away for a while but he's doing it for the united states of America, sweetie. Dad's doing this to kill a lot of Japanese people one day. That's what they told their kids back then. We're not going to see dad for two years, but

160,000 Japanese people are going to die. The kid goes, okay. Oh, I hate them. No, I was... Yeah, what were you going to say? I did have the idea. I think I told you where it was we remake Hidden Figures, but it's just about all the nazi scientists in the same space program oh yeah that would rock yeah i don't have any bits for that but i didn't see hidden figures

i only know devin's bit about it great bit about one of my favorite bits devin back when you were a stand-up comedian thanks guys it was a good bit i hated doing it but it was a good bit yeah you know you gotta play the hits you gotta do the hits you know i'm just like i just want Thanks, guys. It was a good bit. I hated doing it, but it was a good bit. Yeah, you know, you got to play the hits. You got to do the hits, you know? I just want to see Devin on stage going, mm-hmm. There was a bunch of moments where in the middle of going, mm-hmm, I was like, I want to kill myself. And I'm having to shoehorn in, like, black women are crazy, right?

I'll tell the bits. Everybody knows it. But basically, it's a movie about how a bunch of black women looked at a rocket ship and it's like a movie where it's like black women are so black women are so inspiring that like you could even you could even see how inspiring they are in that movie they made where they all those black lady assistants helped us go to space called hidden figures like where it's like it looks like they just looked at the at the rocket ship and they were like and then it went to the moon. I love that so much. And then you ended the bit

by just flipping off a black woman just like right in front of you. Fuck you. Everybody thinks it's funny when you do that. One time I got off stage after doing my black woman like little chunk and a black girl came up to me and she was like all sassy and I was like

I don't know what you're doing and then she walked away and she was like all sassy and I was like, I don't know what you're doing. And then she walked away. She was like, I thought you liked black women. And I was like, I don't even know what you were doing. You're just being like rude. All of your. Oh, he don't. He don't like sass.

He doesn't like it. OK. Like she like came over and like flicked my dick and I'm like, oh, I guess I'm in. Oh, you don't like a little stank on the attitude. That woman raping you. She got all pissed off. She went to a table full of black people. They all looked at me like I was racist or something.

They're like pointing at you as I turn around. They're like, shame! Shame! Yeah, they pull out a big list that says bad white people. They write your name right under David Duke. For life! I remember our friend Brian Vokey for life. I remember our friend Brian Vokey one time

I was doing the Ice House and I had a bit that I never did on stage once that was the bit was the other day I heard a person who talked with such a gay affectation that they started to sound Chinese while they were talking and then it was literally

like I was like they were like I was talking it was literally like, I was like, they were like, it's not the guy right now. I was talking to John. And we're like, we could go to the Chisholm. Fuck. And he was like, but I was like,

that was every comic that I told the two love that I never did on stage. And then Vokey was like, if you do this next, because Ice House was like 80 comics. that was every comic that i told that you love that i never did on stage and then and then voki was like if you do this next because ice house was like 80 comics he's like if you do this bit next i will i will put you up next if you do the bet if you agree to and i was like sure fine and i didn't i didn't know he said that because on stage was a gay asian person oh man and i literally like he like called my, and I went in,

and I saw that it was the gay Asian person. I was like, eh. And I just entered the bit, and I left. It's not a good time for a bit when you're like, I can only perform this in front of a very specific group of people. You just walk past. Instead of shaking the host's hand, you just walk directly past him and out the door.

Yeah, one of those. Yeah, like a Three Stooges bit. I just start running. Yeah, there were those bits where you're like, yeah, if there's a gay Asian in the crowd, I'm finished. You know what those bits were like? I can really only perform this in front of a white audience. Yes.

All my bits, no. Devin had a bit once where he talked about he talked about how coffee was black where he's like and then like the people tensed up that was crazy that was near the end of your last when I was starting when I was just like

I can't do this I can't take this you mentioned coffee was black I was doing really well and then I was like I didn't even know coffee was black and the whole this whole liberal open mic

everyone was like oh my god it was like a two minute bitty ad about coffee right and people were just like, oh my It was about coffee, and they're like, are you calling coffee? Yeah. They think they're

being good people. They're like, are you calling coffee the end? I could see their bow ties were spinning. Yeah, yeah. Their top hats were like. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know they were going to the coffee. You said the B word. Yeah. You know they were going to the coffee shop like Googling, should I order it black or like with a lot of milk? I don't know.

What's more racist? I don't know. What's more racist? What's less? I don't know. And then they're like, give me water. That's all I deserve. I don't deserve to be alert. Dude, I remember fucking. I don't deserve to be alert.

Yeah. It was so fun watching people progressively lose their minds about the whole thing. You know how many people we knew that said they were gay that started being gay that weren't gay. And now aren't really pretending to be gay anymore. Now they're not pretending to be gay because that moved on. But they're like they were like sucking dick with not liking it. Yeah.

So they could get on a shitty backyard show. Yeah, they were like literally sucking dick and they'd be like I guess I don't like it because I'm still racist. I don't know. I should suck more. Yeah, we literally knew people who were like, I remember when fucking it because I'm still racist. I don't know. I should suck more. Yeah, we literally knew people who were like, I remember when fucking Black Lives Matter happening, people were being like,

oh, I just took a Zoom class to learn how to not be racist. It costs $2,000 and it's taught by a white guy. And then I took the class and it's all white people. Yeah, yeah. It was like Sean King's class. People were arguing then about whether to post a black square while tanks were rolling down their street. Yeah. It was like an insane time. Yeah, yeah.

No, it was very funny. People were like, you got to post a black square. And then other people were like, if you post a black square, you raise a piece of shit. They're like, then the black square is actually a psyop. To drown out people that are on the front lines in the protest trying to communicate with one another. And then I think 80% of white people are like, the front lines in the protest trying to communicate with one another and my and then like i think 80 white people are like all right hold brothers we bought across yeah they're like helms deep and lord of the rings they're like hold we bide our time give us two months and we can come back out again it was also funny all then of course course, we're not shitting on...

I think we're all anti-cop here or whatever. Sure. Or whatever. I love cops. I think they do bad stuff a lot. I don't know. I still need them, I think. I'm wearing a Punisher t-shirt right now.

But yeah, I think cops are gay, but like... Yeah, I hate them. There's a lot of gay stuff that you need. I hate them. But you need the government or whatever, technically. I guess. I mean, I'm not one of these guys that's like, I mean, why would you even call 911?

What am I paying for that for? I'm not like a sovereign citizen, like libertarian. Oh, the people who are like, oh, you could just let it go. And it's like, no, we would all get raped and stabbed to death. I don't know about that. I think it would. Do you think they would really happen?

I think crime would go up a lot. Do you think it would be like the purge, though, where people are walking around with like AK-47s? I think there would be like eight people who did that. And we would just kill them immediately. That's about it. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. I definitely don't think they should be abolished.

Yeah. But they are gay. Oh, they suck ass. They are gay. That's what I was trying to say. And all the worst people I knew became them. Yeah, every fat retard

we knew in high school. Every just power hungry loser I knew became a cop. We knew the fattest guy we knew in high school became a sheriff. And he's like so fat. I think you said this one time

that he's just setting off his gun because the fat's going in the trigger. Oh, yeah, he has to like take his gun off of his holster because when he would sit down, it would like go off. Just squeeze the trigger up. Yeah, it was like the biggest loser in high school.

And then you see him on Instagram. He's got the sheriff. And it's like, oh, that guy could literally like kill me. Oh, that was the guy that did the Christian stings at the convenience stores for his cigarettes. Gay Serpico. Gay Serpico. Gay Serpico.

Occasionally you meet a cop that is like, okay. Yeah. And you're like, huh. There's a cop every once in a while that plays basketball or something. There's none of them.

My favorite cop is Chris Dorner. Hell yeah. Chris Dorner rules. I love that he's going to be in our album art that Chase is drawing right now. He is. I am drawing him currently.

Yeah. I remember when that was all happening and I was like, man, people really hate cops. Holy shit. Because he was on the run. People were like, we. He was on the run and I used to, I worked nights and I would get off at like 9 a.m. and I'd go to this breakfast place and all these cops would hang out there and all the signs and all these posters on streetlights out front all had his picture

and it said Hope. That's amazing. And these cops were sitting, and he was on the run at the time. He had just AK-47'd a couple cops the day before in Torrance or whatever, and everyone in LA was like, whoo! Los Angeles looked like that Coke commercial from the 70s.

Yeah, yeah. Everybody had to give the world a gun. Woo! Yeah. Los Angeles looked like that Coke commercial from the 70s. Yeah, yeah. Everybody had to give the world a gun. Everyone was on his side. We all loved it. Well, it was especially also kind of closer to the whole Rampart shit and the LAPD was so shitty. Yeah, it was more to do with LAPD, like fuck LAPD. Specifically.

It was kind of like your last little shimmer off of the OJ case. It was before it was this new anti-cop type of thing. Yeah. It was like a different anti-cop. It wasn't like white people being anti-cop. It was like black people being anti-cop. Yeah. Which was a fun time. But also everyone liked his manifesto and shit.

And he just talked about comedy. He left Chappelle. He did like a great, it was like a great drop. He planned it really well. Like the manifesto was just like really likable. Everyone's like, I guess he killed like the daughter of the police chief and like a couple innocent people and a bunch of innocent cops. But like, man, I mean, he like loves curb. Yeah, he loves curb.

And he told him not to make another hangover movie, which is funny that he has better taste than every every executive at comedy central. He's like, by the way, do not make broad city a TV show. He was like, I swear to God, if Trevor Noah takes over the daily show, I'm gonna kill more. And then I love that they got him to that cabin and then I like they, there there was no video and they're like, oh yeah, he set the cabin on fire.

They're like, we were just standing there like, please come out and then the cabin burst into flames. We don't know. They like bazooka'd him. They shot a big Acme rocket at him. They turned him into dust. They dropped like the Moab on him, the mother of all bombs.

I know what it stands for, cocksucker. All right, well, you know the fans are fucking retards. Right, we got to spoon feed them. Yeah, that was a great time. I remember all my friends, we were all like, they spotted him. They spotted him at a 7-Eleven in Carson. Wait, is that true though? Yeah, no, it was like, that was the first time I remember.

He's like getting a Slurpee. Dude, what was he doing? He was, yeah, I think getting a Slurpee. He's getting like some snacks. You get parched. They're like, I just saw him getting a nerd's rope. Well, also his fucking. We're all rooting for you, Chris.

We're rooting for you, chris but also his headshot they kept showing on the news was just him like big beaming spine you're like this guy's like jacked like black military dude like this is the coolest guy ever kind of a good looking likable kind of guy it was making people like a little like i don't know what to think because his manifesto was like i've been coming to theAPD for years telling them about the abuse that my partners do and all these lies. So there was a lot of people that were like, he's just fed up. Like, I don't agree with how he's doing it. But he did, you know, I mean, he's trying to stop corruption.

It's like if Serpico just flew a plane into the World Trade Center. In the same outfit. Yeah. He's got that shitty rug on. All right. Okay. Let's roll. Yeah.

It was the same thing as like the Ted Kaczynski where people were like, I mean, the guy went off, you know? Yeah. He's a huge star now just because we all actually, like he was right about technology. That was his whole thing. Industrial revolution and its consequences. So people were like, oh, I love that guy. Yeah.

He was right about that. They've yet to make a good movie about Kaczynski. There's like a shitty movie on Amazon I watched. It's not that interesting. They make him too intense, I think, is the thing. Come on, show him having some fun. Give me Paul Walter Hauser playing him or something. Yeah, make him fat.

Fat for no reason. Have him just bumbling around in the woods, tripping. Well, Ted clearly had depth. I think that's probably the problem is they don't want to give a guy like that any sort of like... You can't have that guy contain multitudes on screen. I think you've got to almost make that guy an anti-hero which you're right, they can't do.

If you watch the Unabomber show, he's literally like, I fucking hate people. That's why I send these bombs. But what they really need is him driving on the New Jersey turnpike, smoking a cigar. They need him in an FAO Schwartz being like, I have to kill them all. I hate this so goddamn much.

They just need him at LAX on the weekend being like, they've got to burn for this. It was funny that Kaczynski really wanted to do really big things, but at the end of the day, what he did was just like, man, you really big things but at the end of the day he was what he did was just like man you like really hate the lady at the FedEx I know because everybody opened the mail

it was just always like some poor old woman named Dottie that like sells stamps that got her fucking arms blown off he always was like I'll show them I'll kill Walt Disney's secretary's secretary yeah like like fucking yeah like the head of the FBI is gonna be like oh an unopened box kill Walt Disney's secretary's secretary. Yeah, like fucking, yeah,

like the head of the FBI is going to be like, oh, an unopened box with moss and shit all over it. Right. Yeah. All he really did was like blow off a couple people's thumbs. I think he killed like one person. That doesn't really count. And blew off a lot of hands. That doesn't really count though.

If you make a bunch of bombs and you only kill one person, what's the big deal? Well, they also say it's like a pipe bomb. It's like a pipe bomb is just a bunch of nails. Yeah, yeah. Kids, he made firecrackers, pretty much. There is kind of like if you die from a pipe bomb, it's like, all right, you're being kind of like a pussy, you know? Yeah, exactly. That's kind of what I'm saying.

Yeah, I feel the same way like when people die in a tsunami. It's just like, you know, just fucking swim. Yeah, I don't really get it. Yeah. I'm like, go higher than the water. Hey, dumbass. How about that, retard? Yeah, if you try going upstairs.

Like with Kaczynski's victims, it's like, didn't you hear the box ticking, you idiot? If it's ticking, you throw it out the window. You're like, oh, this must be a clock. Oh, it's one of those clocks with a bunch of wires on it. Oh, weird bearded guy covered in dirt. I guess he just wants to mail a box of a clock. Oh, it's one of those clocks with a bunch of wires on it. Ah, weird bearded guy covered in dirt. I guess he just wants to mail a box of clocks. Yeah, he brings it in person.

Here's my clock, mail. Definitely not a bomb to destroy everything. They weren't that powerful, the bombs. No, they weren't. They weren't that bad. He was like a prankster. Yeah, he was doing goofs. Kaczynski was lighting bags of shit on fire

in front of people's homes. You're ringing the doorbell, but the bag just blows up. Yeah, Ted Kaczynski was charged with ding-dong ditching. He's like TPing factories and stuff. Let him go. I can't believe he's going to be jail like forever yeah pretty much i want him to collaborate on something i have coming up but i i don't know apparently he's only done like one interview or whatever but i wonder if i could

yeah i don't know if you got him to collaborate for the first time in 25 years a collab yeah let's get him on the track. He's rapping through the phone. Static selector. Featuring Ted Kaczynski. All right, we're over an hour now. Yeah, let's call it. Let's blow this up.

All right, I'm going to die. Wait, do we plug stuff now or not? I guess that's just in the descriptions. Plugging's gay, right? Yeah. Yeah, we can plug. Yeah, who cares? Okay.

Bye-bye. I'm gay. Bye. Bye.