lemonparty - 002: i play flappy bird

Episode Date: November 8, 2022

the private feed: www.patreon.com/lemonparty boss hogg comes to california, will ferrel losing it on the set of elf, where japan is, free speech, jace going nuts over koolaid jammerz, aunt madea vs larry the cable guy, henny winkler, the guy we knew who loved JOing and chicken sandwiches, jace getting fatlighted, four foot tall cops ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery   website for lemonparty: https://www.lemonparty.life/   apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5 youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q discord: https://discord.com/invite/c7ed4kvvAN sign up for the newsletter: https://confirmsubscription.com/h/y/22C1E97FDE4FB267 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 We'll be right back. healthcare. Yeah, you go to like a horse doctor. I have to go to like a Yoshinoya. And then like the cook that gives me, like takes my blood pressure. Yeah, he just starts frying you up on the grill. You got the tumor. Tumor is bad. Last time I went to the... I thought Yoshinoya was like a I thought the first three years I lived

in LA, I thought it was a mechanic. Really? I had no idea it was food because I looked at the sign. I'm like, oh, what a weird name for a mechanic. Did they sell tires or something? I thought it was like a motorcycle place. I thought they did motorcycles in Boba Tea. Yeah, I thought they sold the little Japanese

cars that you see. Garcia cars? Yeah, yeah. When I see that font on the store, I'm like, they could sell little pandas. I have no idea. I have no idea. They sell bamboo in a cup. I have no idea what's going on. It's a terrible place. It's just like the teriyaki chicken's covered in maple syrup and shit.

It's like where Elf would eat. Skittles in it. There's like Skittles and shit. There are some foods like Jollibee in LA where you're like, this is like fucking just an insane person. Yeah, it's like a guy from the North Pole like eats this dude who told us that story about Will Ferrell

on the set of Elf did someone tell you that I remember this someone told us this this week I forget who but basically Elf was Will Ferrell was on the set of Elf and it was kind of you know that movie like made him crazy famous yeah yeah that movie blew him up

big movie and it wasn't R. It wasn't like old school. No, no, but that movie pushed him into like Kevin Hart level. Right. Like you're a guy now. Made him black.

You can go... Yeah. You can now make the worst comedies of all time. Congrats. You've done enough work that you can never be funny again. Just kidding.

Other guys was very good. Elf was very funny I love Elf Elf was a good movie yeah what were you gonna say but he was on the set and apparently he was yelling at

I think Jon Favreau directed it yeah and apparently he thought he was like super in his head about the whole movie and he was walking around and he's like

you guys don't know how to make a fucking comedy this is fucked and then he would just have to sit back in his little chair and like pretend to like type at a typewriter or whatever. He was like,

he was having like a sucker. He was having a panic attack about how the movie just wasn't funny at all, but he's dressed like an elf and like having to like, then they're like action. He's just dancing with candy canes and stuff. But if you think about it, if you showed up to that movie after reading the script, you'd be like,

everybody's going to think I'm a laughing stock like a total retard the studio's betting 80 million dollars that i can make this funny and i'm wearing a big pointy hat yeah it's just funny to imagine him like just screaming at bob newhart as he's dying yeah like bob newhart and james connor like having to calm him down on set he made the godfather who froze just like you don't know what it's fucking like. Fuck you. You guys had it great. Fuck you, Bobby.

Why don't you go talk to a phone more? You'll fuck. Sounds great. I have to sit in this little chair. That's the whole joke. The chair is little. He's throwing gingerbread cookies at dwarves that they hired.

There's literally little people on the set. He's kicking them. He's like, get out of my way, you fucking midget. I'm keeping this whole goddamn movie afloat god damn it I should have been fucking Tim Meadows

should have just stayed I've heard that putting a cigarette out on the raccoon Will Ferrell's like actually is he like an asshole I heard another story

recently I think he just had it was like and also people lie all the time yeah I don't trust any more of these stories he might have had

like one day his wife his mom died and he just showed up on set and was like kind of angry lie all the time. Yeah, I don't trust any more of these stories. He might have had like one day his wife or something happened. His mom died and he just showed up on set and was like kind of angry and then maybe someone just ran with that and made it into some Hollywood tale. And then it's like I'm going to tell everybody that for 45 and then

Prez Helton made it into it. Who knows? I hope he's a dick. It would be kind of great to be like, yeah, if he's doing the fucking like Terminator Salvation meltdown with Christian Bale.

People coming up to try to like quote Anchorman. I mean, those people deserve to be like screamed at. Oh, if I was Zach Galifianakis and someone walked up to me

and said, hey, there's Skittles in there, I'd pull out a gun and shoot them through the head. Like Anton, like Anton Sugar style. I would just kill them.

Like, like when he kills the guy once he gets the beeper thing how we just kick like immediately yeah both those guys for that yeah that's how i'd kill everybody that said that to me there's two ways to like if you get famous in a movie that fucking just mentally challenge people like like you're too but it's a good movie but it's a good movie but it's also also loved by guys who are like, dude, I fucking love that movie, and raping women. Dude, we watch Hangover, and then we all rape Sarah back at the dorm. It's Brock Turner's favorite movie, The Hangover.

And before he raped that girl, he was like, to the best night ever. Wolf back. Oh, no, no, no, no. What do tigers dream of when they drink a little tiger's juice? He's just reaching behind him to grab a whole bottle. He's just joining the Duke lacrosse team.

Which, who didn't rape anybody. They didn't do anything, but they're rapists, though, to me. They did not rape. We are on record, the Duke lacrosse team did not rape. They didn't do it, but we already thought they did.

That's right. So they raped. That's right so they raped so that's it I saw the doc I was like man what a great documentary about these rapists

yeah cause you watch the whole doc about how they're innocent you're like man I can't believe those rapists didn't do it exactly you're like

they're still rapists though and I'm like that's crazy those rapists they're innocent cause if anybody went to Duke you're like

you're a rapist you're a rich kid you're a rapist you play lacrosse who cares yeah but when you are in a movie like that where they rapist guys love it your two options are like go zach alphanakis and just live on a farm try to make indie comedies and just be generally like you know doing whatever or you go like ken zhong and you're just like breakdancing on national television as like Rudy Giuliani. Yeah.

Kim Jong Il is like singing in a gingerbread costume on ABC and you're like just shitting. You got to do like COVID songs. You got to dance with vaccines. You got to dance around with Pfizer. You got to shoot a commercial with Megan Thee Stallion.

Yeah, for like war bonds to bomb Syria. He just gets paid to just like break dance and there's just like lights behind him and then it's just like middle America just like doing this. And then you just, you see that for four seconds. You go, oh, Ken still has a career. Okay, and then you just flip it to the basketball game.

Ken Jeong? Ken Jeong. Yeah, Ken Jeong. Yeah, his parents have to still be like disappointed in career, okay? And then you just flip it to the basketball game. Ken Jeong? Ken Jeong. Yeah, Ken Jeong. Yeah. His parents have to still be disappointed in him, right? Despite how much money he's made? Because he went from

being a doctor to being a stand-up. To showing his tiny penis. To jumping out of trunks with his dick out. And they're like, I mean, I make money, but... You're a fool.

Why are you dancing like a fool? You're just a big fool. You're a fool Why are you dancing like a fool? You're just a big fool You're like There was a boy in our village in Kyoto Who had a big Should I not do this? Considering it's not the Patreon Save it for the page

Alright, I'll save it for the Patreon Why are you dancing with the vaccines that we created? Why do you dance With the virus we created Why do you dance Why do you dance with the vaccines that we created? Why do you dance? For the virus we created. Why do you dance? Why do you dance like a ninja? I'm doing Japanese.

Yeah, you're doing Japanese. Japanese is Chinese voice, but then you do ooh at the end. Well, Japanese is like, I think Japanese is more like, you are much a dishonor. Yeah, you just do like a Trey Parker guy voice. Yeah, exactly. The Japanese people are Trey Parker. That's how retarded we are. Idiots.

We don't even know they exist. It's like when they show Americans. We're like, oh, dude, I love Japanese people. Like those episodes of South Park. Dude, when they're at the child. Dude, like, you at the child. Dude, like, you know,

Americans like can't like don't know where anything is where they're like point on the map or like, you know, whatever California is there. I told whatever. Like if you ask like an American, like where Japan is on the on like the world map, they'd be like,

um, like, well, wherever, where, where is South Park? Yeah, wherever South Park is. If you asked an American, that's Japan. Like if you showed him a globe and you're like, where's Japan? world map they'd be like um like well wherever where is south park yeah wherever south park if

you asked an american japan like if you showed them a globe and you're like where's japan they point at the moon they'd be like they come from from yonder they're like where's the nearest katsuya is there a kabuki grill in town i love these little moon people. They make such good barbecue. Barbecue. Barbecue. Dan and Cree tan.

I lived in Little Bangladesh for a second. I wish, dude. What? How great would it be if you know how all the Californians were moving to Texas? It'd be great if it was reversed and Texans were moving to LA. That'd actually make this city amazing. That would be pretty great. If you had like backwoods,

like hick, like red state people. You're in Koreatown and a guy's trying to park a pink Cadillac with a big long horn on the horn on the front of it. Like a boss hog guy.

Yeah, he's like, well, what in town? I got a, you told me I can only park here for 30 minutes now. Dude, that'd be great. Nobody would give tickets anymore. They'd be all, because every guy is Foghorn, Leghorn.

They'd all be afraid. Or Yosemite Sam. Yeah, they'd be open carrying. Yeah. Like, what did you say? The city's going to hold my car ransom? For the first year in history, zero catalytic converters were stolen. Now, I say, I say, boy, you put that converter back.

This is a 68 Lincoln. I see you, Speedy Gonzales, trying to steal my candidate converter. Yeah, go into a Korean barbecue and be like, I brought my own steaks. None of this tiny bowl go get crap. You bring your own meat. Yeah, I got a t-bone 32 ounce throwing it on the grill you're doing like the like the batting sweat off the forehead like a guy yeah that's the only southern guy i could i that no matter what the temperature

he's batting sweat he's oh yeah he could be in the middle he could be in in antarctica he goes lord i have mercy he's frozen like, Lord, it is a hot day in December today. They just don't understand they have a serious medical condition. They just think it's very hot outside. The part of their brain that regulates their temperature is broken. They're like, Lord, it is a hot one

today. They ate their thyroid. Colonel, it's negative 35 out. I don't have a thyroid no more One time I felt something drop into my throat And I just swallowed that Then I was down at the bar And little Jimmy hit me in the back of the head

I felt my thyroid fall down my neck Always sweating because I got the meat sweats That's why I gotta wear these white suits everywhere Because they wash easy. That would be fucking great if Texans moved here. And it became like kind of like half Texan. Like it would even things out. Yeah, it would make everything much better.

Every part of LA would just look like thousand oaks. There'd be millions of Postmates drivers killed. Just for walking up to people's stores. I said, yeah. I said, yeah. This guy with the big 12K truck. Yeah, that would rule. Yeah, they're like,

we need a, we started to start a fan. We need to put a couple of Dallas Cowboys in here. Troy Eggman, the bot star. That would rock if everything was just like

a really big truck here. Yeah, everybody had big cowboy hats. Yeah. That does rule cowboy hats. Yeah. That does rule going back home. And they would start making better TV shows out here. They would start doing reboots of old shit that was good. Yeah.

They'd bring back Dallas. Dallas. Yeah, yeah. Dynasty. Yeah. Yeah. All in the family. Yeah.

You'd get to say more words in public. More choice words that don't hurt anybody really, but you're just not allowed to say them anymore. You know the ones. What do you mean? I don't know. You saw the whole thing with Kanye, right? I'm kidding. You'd get to say more words.

This is what Kanye is trying to fight for. It's Kanye and Elon. They're on the front lines. This isn't a war I can fight. I'm leaving this up to the blue checks. You're one of those guys. You're like, I'm a big freedom of speech guy.

I defend everybody who says slurs. And then... But also if you criticize them, you should go to hell. It's never about ideas. It's just you want to say... I'm a First Amendment guy. Listen, if you criticize me

for saying the N-word, yeah, I will kill you. But I love that because I love the First Amendment. That Listen, if you criticize me for saying the N-word, yeah, I will kill you. But I love that because I love the First Amendment. That's why you can't criticize me. It's my God-given right. It's my God-given right to say things with impunity throughout my entire life. Guys that think the First Amendment

was specifically for the N-word. Yeah. And they think the Second Amendment is about fully automatic machine guns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Third Amendment is to wear those big black rubber wedding rings. Yeah, because you've got too fat for your original. Yeah.

The Fourth Amendment is to have the biggest reddest face in America. And the Fifth Amendment is to weigh 400 pounds, but have a size 28 waist somehow. Because you're just shaped like a fucking water balloon. Just the guy in a Punisher t-shirt and those types of things. Punisher t-shirt who's legitimately shaped like a fucking cartoon of a chicken. He's wearing a tablecloth from Walmart. And he goes,

sorry, I just love this this country and then his nose explodes because he's been he's been drinking fucking whiskey since 8 a.m sorry i respect a little bit of hard work that's why i go down to the job site and yell at mexicans all day his nose has developed like an aorta it's got all these like it's got a heart. His nose has dick veins in it. He's tying two belts together to put around his waist. Yeah, he's got an extender for his belt. Like on airlines when you're too big for the

too fat for the Southwest. And they have to hand you the really long seat belt extender. Yeah. You have to go, excuse me, I've ruined my life. And they go, go oh right away sir um yes excuse me i've thrown everything away for egg rolls from panda express which are so good which are so they are so good pan express is so good it's almost worth it i

love panda express i'd throw my life away for Panda Express. If I was going to kill myself, I would spend three months eating just Panda Express every day before I did it. I used to eat it all the time when you were living over in Eagle Rock. Devin, you might be out of this beautiful shot. God forbid!

They can't quite see the slurs come out of my mouth. When we were in Eagle Rock, Devin, you got Panda by Sprouts. We used to record in your garage. I used to get Panda Express all the time. It was my only meal of the day, and I drank a Tallboy, and that was it. I was losing weight.

That's a great time when you're so poor. You're like, I get one meal a day. It's 1,900 calories, but you need 2,000. The diet I did today was a great diet where I had Mexican food for lunch, lunch and I ate way too much and then I just didn't eat anything else. And I had a little bit of cashews before we recorded the Patreon. Yeah, it's like eating sludge. Mexican food. And you get really tired by like 4. You fight

through it. You have a Coke Zero and then you drive home. Duh! But that's... Newsflash! Newsflash! But that's Newsflash. Newsflash. But that's how that's how you eat bullshit and then just like

keep a trim frame. You just eat it once. You just eat one really awful terrible thing that's horrible for your insides that make you feel horrible.

But then you don't do that the second time. And you look fine. You look fine. Who cares if your veins are all blocked? If I was a doctor I would tell people this. Who gives a shit?

You'd be like, you should start smoking so you eat less. Have you tried that? I'll look up. I just go to a nice... You're giving them cigarettes. Yeah, I'm giving you cigarettes. Use an American spirit. You smoke them a lot.

The realistic doctor in America. Yeah, I'm telling a 50 year old man who weighs 400 pounds like you should pick up pick up the pipe start smoking crack have you ever tried everybody i see smoking crack they're super thin oh god what were you saying devin oh i just i anytime i'm like worried about my health i just like look up something on the internet that tells me it's fine yeah like the doctor recently told me i had high cholesterol and then i i was as i was walking out of the doctor's office i was on youtube like i typing in like joe rogan cholesterol and some guy was like it's bullshit i was like all right good what the exact thing i wanted to hear that's what

i wanted to hear and it's like but it's like a doctor that looks like robin hood like it's like an obvious scam artist or something yeah it's a's a doctor going like, if you eat only ice cream, it's actually good. And you're like, yes. I think I would teach a... If I had to come up with a diet plan, I would do meal replacement. I basically replaced dinner with a Coke Zero and a handful of cashews.

But you have to eat really shitty. So I would have where every third every basically every day you can eat whatever you want and if you eat really bad that day you only get the one and then you have to replace the next meal with a soda i would and then next day is just full reset doesn't matter what you did the previous day i like that but then you have one day where you have to eat a salad right okay yeah for the Yeah, for the vitamins. With a lot of ranch. And croutons the size of your face.

You know, I used to be so fat that I never ate salads, but the only salads I ever ate were at diners with the diner ranch. At the Bob's Big Boy. It's soup. Or the Bob's Big Boy Ranch, but I could never, the Hidden Valley was never the same. So one time I was like, man, how do I lose weight? Like, I can't eat salads.

I hate them. So I drove to my favorite diner after school and I asked them where they got their ranch from. And they were like, we get it from Cisco. It's like from Radio Shack. It's sad that you did that. It's so sad.

Cisco throws it out and we get it. We get it in a giant vat. It's like nuclear waste. They get the ranch and they have to go. And I asked them how to order it. They gave me the website. I was about to order a giant tub

of ranch. You're trying to kill somebody in Breaking Bad. You're just a fat little kid trying to order a can of ranch. Just so I could finally eat a vegetable. Yeah, the can that like in an apocalyptic film, they go down in the bunker, the cellar,

and it would be on the wall next to corn and stuff. The thing that like Dahmer like dissolved bodies in, like a big jug. It's like the Heisenberg barrel. Exactly. Anyway. I can't believe you drove. You're like, I'm going to get to the planet. After school, yeah.'re like i'm after school yeah i'm on i'm on a mission i was like i'm on a mission i'm gonna get fucking healthy

like you're gonna because that's what's funny is a kid like you then could have been like you could have channeled that into like i'm gonna go shoot up the thing like you're just like i'm there i'm gonna get it but it's like i'm gonna figure out why that salad's so damn good. I was that fat. Yeah. You were drinking. You tried to get more fruits by drinking orange soda. You're like honking at me. Oh, God.

Yeah. You're eating that fruit salad that's just like has marshmallow shit in it. You get at Southern barbecues. What is that called? Dude, I don't know, but i'm laughing so hard at the idea of like devin like at home trying to be healthy then and like he has like a glass of water and then you put orange food dye in it yeah so it just looks like orange soda like it says it has vitamin b12 in it you're just putting chemicals in your water i'm honestly really guilty of that

i will occasionally get like the little koolAid jammers. You love Crystal Light. I'll do the Crystal Light. Those things do kick ass. I'm like, this is going to fix it all. It's going to turn everything around. You go to a restaurant, you order water, and you just pull out your Kool-Aid jammer. I have never done that.

I think I've seen you do that. Fuck you. I have never done that. I would never do that. I think I've literally seen you do that. I have not done that. I will fucking kick your ass. I am very triggered right now. This is not even a bit anymore. I have never done that. will fucking kick your ass i am very triggered right now this is not even a bit

anymore i have never done that i have never i have never fucking done that oh man the guy that brings there are people that uh love in texas that love their sweet tea so much but they don't like aspartame or aspartame what is is it? Aspartame. Retard. They bring their own sweet and low. They have to have sweet and low. They bring their own sweet and low to the restaurant. And when they add, like they bring them sugar for their tea and they're like, um, no, I got it from here. I brought my own sugar.

I got it from here. Retard. They pull out. They pull out a thing of diner sugar from home. And the thing that they brought. They have a whole, they have a bandolier full of condiments that they bring with them everywhere.

Oh, that rules. I love people that bring their own condiments to restaurants or sugars or sweeteners. You admit that I have never fucking done that. He's still upset. I am so upset by it. I have never fucking done that I'm so upset by it I have never fucking done that listen I've ordered

I've ordered millions of cokes I have never fucking brought a Kool-Aid jam to a restaurant got a water and put it in there I'll fucking kill someone say you're a liar but what do I know I've never seen it you've never seen him do that I mean he's asked me to bring my own but I don't know

he texts me we're going to I've never seen it. You've never seen him do that? I mean, he's asked me to bring my own, but I don't know. He texts me. We're going to like a five-star restaurant. Can you bring the Kool-Aid jammer I left over? And typing out, not just saying bring the Kool-Aid, bring the Kool-Aid jammer that I left. You typed jammer. Yeah, I typed jammers with a Z. Oh, that rocks. Is it cool if I bring my Kool- i typed jammers with a z oh that rocks can you bring my is it cool if i bring my kool-aid jammers with me and then you drive to the restaurant on your heelys

yeah i pull up on a razor scooter just like fold it dude it would rock if kool-aid jammers were like your like cigarettes that you sneak like you go like you take your glass of water to the back of the restaurant behind the dumpster i'm at thanksgiving and i'm like i'm gonna go take a quick walk and you just see me with a glass really just walking around the neighborhood yeah while you're out the neighborhood a red glass mom comes out she's like what are you doing i'm like nothing and i throw the glass like behind a bush it shatters i'm not doing i'm not doing a single fucking thing dude if i started smoking cigarettes again

i think i would only do it as like a uh like a gwyneth paltrow like royal tenenbaums thing where i would just try to see how long i can be a smoker and hide it from my significant others because she smokes that whole movie but no one knows she's smoked for 22 years and it's probably great there's that scene where bill murray goes like may i have a cigarette she's like what are you talking about he's like you made a cuckold of me you've made me into a he does say that in the movie he says you made a cuckold he goes he goes he goes he goes what did you ask he goes i asked for a cigarette and she's like gives it to him he's like you've made a cuckold of me doesn't he play like a jordan peterson guy in that movie no he plays like a he's studying like a mentally challenged kid oh yeah it's just like a normal sign this is before jordan peterson yeah i haven't seen

that movie just me basically yeah he's just you yeah uh uh gene hackman was supposedly uh someone said he uh someone told me he was like a nightmare to work with on that movie or something i guess you always hear these stories everyone's a nightmare okay enough shut up how about you take it hey how come you're not them yeah there is a story

Betty White I heard she was a nightmare on Golden Girls yeah like I worked with Henley Winkler he called me a Jew it's like what you know I don't know I thought you said Henny Winkler for a second. I was laughing very hard at the idea.

If you guys want to do that character, go for it. Henny Winkler? It's Henry Winkler, but he loves Henny. He walks over to a jukebox, hits it, and it plays Mike Jones. Henny Winkler. Hey. Hey. It's the uh the font i'm trying to like aunt medea him as the font so it'd be like

don't say aunt medea what tyler perry would write if he thought of the if he if tyler perry remade happy days he'd be henny winkler yeah be played by larry the cable guy dude ben is such a sick bastard that he'll like like when we lived in that eagle rock house i just i'd come home from a long day at the alarm store and he'd just be like he just i can't believe it's a role play yeah the alarm store i know it wasn't a store i sold alarms to businesses uh but i would just come home after a long day and i'd be and I would be on the couch watching the Madea Christmas with Larry the Cable Guy. Dude, have you seen it?

It's like this small... It's a real indie film. It's like a Noah Bomba. They shot it for like $500. Basically, the premise of the movie is the town, the small town gets together. It's like the movie is the town, the small town, like, gets together.

And it's, like, the classic, like, snowy town with, like, you know, there's the dentist. And there's the, like, the main street. There's old man Johnson's place. The mailman walking. Like, hi, Miss Johnson. Like, that type of small town, like, Hallmark movie vibe. And then Aunt Medea comes to, like, I think visit her nephew or something. But it's, like, a mixed race thing. And, like but it's like a mixed race thing and like the girl

can't, you've seen all the Ant-Mania movies. Sure, yeah, yeah. It's always a weird thing. Wasn't it like one of those like, guess who's coming to dinner where they're like, we're ready to meet the in-laws. They're like, that's your in-laws? Yeah, it's basically that. It's like Get Out, but there's no, you know, anyway, so. Guess who's coming to dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Sidney. Sidney Poitier. So basically. Hell yeah, dude. Remade into Guess Who, starring Bernie Mac and Asht, yeah, yeah. The Sidney... Sidney... Portier? Yeah, yeah. So basically... Hell yeah, dude. Remade into Guess Who was starring Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher. Yes, better. Better movie.

Much better movie. We just watched Guess Who's Coming to Denim. I'm like, wait till you see the remake. You're gonna love it. So what is this? Madea like hates the Jews?

Yeah, no, no. So is it like the town hall like gets... She just goes full Kanye. She's a black Israelite. Like it's Ernest goes to camp movies Ernest hates the shoes she like basically goes

she goes to Larry the Cable Guy and but he's like it's Daniel Whitney the comedian but he's playing he's obviously playing Larry the Cable Guy playing someone else it's like the craziest thing you go he's playing he's obviously playing larry the cable guy playing someone else it's like the craziest thing because you go he's playing a character as if this character would play this person this way in this movie right so it is kind of a mind fuck but he's he's playing mater from

cars he's going like well i don't know if your black daughter can marry my car son I think it's inhuman. In the town? That's great. Yeah, yeah, that's great. That's great. It's like you added that part out. Ben edits the podcast to I admit that I bring Kool-Aid to restaurants.

Sorry. You're still stewing about it. I'm still stewing on it. You stew like a lunatic, dude. What a lie, though. I love i'm still stewing on it you stew like a lunatic dude what what a lie though i love to send you stewing dude yeah i love to send you stewing yeah you really this podcast has gotten to your head it's like reeling in a big fish it's like the old man in the sea you're my big marlin and i'm trying to rope in i'm just seeing you go and i got you for days now with this kool-aidid jammer riff. It's honestly horrific.

I've ruined your life now. I'm like Jigsaw, but I just lean into the microphone and I say Kool-Aid jammer. You just make up fat lies about me. Fat lies. It's infuriating. You're gaslighting me. You're fat lighting me. You're just goinging me. You're fatlighting me. You're just going

out of the pocket. I heard J.C. was eating a bowl of just the chicken skin. Not even the chicken. I was like, no I wasn't. Why are you so mad? Why are you so mad about that? I don't get it.

J.C., remember that time you showed up to the prom with a ribeye in your back pocket? Basically, the town hall goes, they go, we should outlaw saying Merry Christmas. And Aunt Medea's like,

the town hall, we can't say Merry Christmas this year. Now it is woke bullshit. It's a pretty good idea. I like you, Medea. Yeah, yeah, basically. Oh, it's a pretty good idea. But it makes no... Larry Campbell's like, I like you, Medea. It's basically... And then she bonds with Larry.

They're like, Larry, you can't say Merry Christmas anymore. What else can't you say? And she's like, a whole hell of a lot to you, Mr. Buster Brown. Like that kind of stuff.

Oh, my God. What else did they get into in that movie? They just fucked the shit out of each other. It's just like how stella got her they're just fucking the shit out of each other she puts a strap on on and just rails like just rails over there they're like oh god oh here comes emma dude she's gonna knock this tripod over

good job tripod going through the tripod emma has three legs and she hopped through the tripod. That's what happened. Oh, did you want to talk about Madea? Her mouth's all wet. Her mouth is all wet. She was just eating pussy. She looks like she's sucking my dick now. Nice.

Yeah, fuck you, Emma. Emma, you really derailed the podcast. God damn it. Oh, but she's so cute. I wonder what she wants. A leg. Emma, we got derailed the podcast. God damn it. Oh, but she's so cute. I wonder what she wants. A leg. Emma, we got to ignore you to do that. We got another half hour.

Yeah, Emma. Katie's probably dying in a car wreck. She's coming to warn us. We're like, we're talking about Madea. No, it's Henny Winkler. It's Henny Winkler. He bangs the jukebox and a mixtape comes out. I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, it's just us going like, okay, Hennyman it's the same bit except it's that old jewish comedian oh but who's the guy that's a oh that's benny hill the benny hill song i was yeah he's chasing like he's trying to rape a woman yeah yeah the whole the whole show is him just like molesting yeah but he's going like, ooh. Yeah, he's like, ooh. Peek-a-boo. That was all British comedy. It was like him,

Jimmy Savile. Yep. It was just guys like seeing a hot lady and they go like, ooh. And everybody in France watching it at the time just thought it was TV.

Yeah. Like, I love this drama. Yeah, Pepe Le Pew is just a rapist and shit. Well, in France, they love Jerry, I was going to say Jerry Stiller. I thought you were going to say Jerry Sandusky.

Yeah. That's odd. Well, they probably do because they're all fucking catapults. Bonjour Sandusky. Bonjour Sandusky. Of course, we have our famous celebrities. We have Roman Polanski. Bonjour Sandusky.

Jared Fogle. Señor Fogle. Monsieur Fogle. Señor Fogle. Monster Fogle. Monster Fogle. He is here. He has introduced us to a wonderful cold cut combo. Mademoiselle Casey Anthony.

Casey Anthony. She didn't rape anybody, but whatever. I can't think of a woman that raped anybody, though. Monster? No, she just killed people. She didn't rape anybody, really.

Eileen Wuornos. Do women rape? They call it rape when they fuck the kids at school but it's like that's kick-ass you know no it's like there's any kid that's complained about that Mary Kay Letourneau yeah she fucked that kid yeah who Mary Kay Letourneau was it

she the one who Oh Asia Argento I guess is a rape oh there we go yeah there you go right hell yeah dude fuck yeah dude yeah she did have sex with a kid and then paid the kid money to not talk about it I think that's why Anthony Bourdain was so sad I think because he was like going on like

CNN for a long time doing like big me that was part of the reason and then she cucked him in public and then on top of that he was like oh I've been defending I got cucked by a woman who made me defend a rapist, basically her, because she was going after Weinstein so much. Yeah.

And his last emails are to her being like, you played with my heart. You fucked with me. That's crazy. Really? Yeah, I sent you that. Yeah, yeah. I didn't see them, though. I saw the documentary.

Those aren't in that, though, right? No, it's not. It was leaked. Somebody leaked it from his laptop, and it was him being like, you've ruined me. To Asia Argento specifically. Oh, God. I was like, you know who's going to love this? Devin Cousin. Did he do a bunch of- I'm going to being like, you've ruined me. To Asia Argento specifically. Oh, God. I was like, you know who's going to love this?

Devin Kast. I'm going to send it to you at 9 a.m. Did he do a bunch of H before he did it? Huh? Did he do a bunch of H before he did it? Yeah, did he relapse and do H again? Because wasn't he sober? I don't think so.

I think he just ate a big, nice, juicy steak and then hung himself in that French villa. You know what's interesting? Everybody thought he drank a lot of booze. He drank a ton. Like a ton of booze. Yeah. Which isn't good for someone who's trying to stay sober is to drink a lot of booze.

But he drank alcohol for a long time and stayed off heroin. Yeah. No, I don't think he ever did heroin again. Again, yeah. He never did it again. He figured it out. I think he was very- It turned out great for him.

Yay, me. Built an empire. Well, I honestly think he just- Part of that depression is like I've literally seen every sunset. Yeah. I've had the best view. I've had the best food everywhere. That must feel like depleting.

There's nothing I can do anymore. Yeah. I've been to the mountaintop. Yeah. And if you watch the documentary, by all accounts, he was a very happy guy until like, he was with his girlfriend for like 20 years.

And then the minute he got famous, like they broke up. And if you want to thank you i think the biggest thing he was just kind of a victim of his own mind i mean i liked the guy but he definitely like romanticized like his shit you know you definitely get that thing of like we're all travelers on the world and it's like if that's left unchecked that leads that can lead you to be like well i've gotta hang myself in the french villa his head was very large you think that had something to do with it what did that have to do in my head i've never expressed to hang myself in the French villa. His head was very large.

You think that had something to do with it? What did that have to do with it? In my head, I've never expressed this to anyone. May I have the floor for five seconds? Of course. What I'm about to say

is going to make no sense. Who's the guy who plays Hellboy? Oh, Ron Perlman? I always mix them up in my head even though they're two totally different guys.

The Hellboy guy and Anthony Warden. I get it. But they both have really big heads and i'm like right i don't uh you don't even i'm like i can't even tell them apart so i'm not a fan yeah they kind of look like if if both of us as brothers were them it would look like that right yeah i gotta say i never cared about anthony bourdain but i feel like it sucks that he felt to be fair i cared about him the minute he killed himself. Yeah, when he killed himself, I was like, oh, not my hero. Then I got on Facebook, I go, Mr. Bourdain taught me to laugh again.

Can somebody call me today and help me out? Just say they feel bad for me. Everybody did that when David Bowie died. It was like their family pact. They're like, he taught me how to be weird. It's like, you run a social media account for dogs. Yeah, David Bowie taught me taught me how to be weird. It's like, you run a social media account for dogs. Yeah, David Bowie taught me

it was okay to be weird. Yeah. It's like, you work at KPMG. Yeah. You went to business school. What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah. You like Game of Thrones. Yeah. That's the most popular show. You're not weird. David Bowie showed me it's okay to be random and just like crazy things

like Ted Lasso. Oh, God. I had to convince my wife that Ted Lasso was a comedy because I told her it won Best Comedy and she started playing an episode. She's like, tell me where the joke is. I saw 30

minutes of an episode once and I didn't know what I was happening. These are her words. She was pointing and she goes, this guy is supposed to be funny she's pointing at jason sudeikis he's a comedian i'm like yeah i'm telling you one best comedy she's like she goes i've seen a whole she goes what is she goes that's kind of cute i guess like cutesy humor but she goes this is a drama she goes there's sad music playing there's like people crying she's like how is this she's like south park she goes that's funny curb your. She's like, how is this? She's like South Park. She goes, that's funny. Curb your enthusiasm.

That's funny. She goes, this is not funny. I'm like, well, I don't know what to tell you. It won best comedy this year. Her brain was like, she's dead wrong. I've seen the show. I've seen the show. I think it's fucking unbelievably funny.

She was like a brooding teenager. She went in her room and like put on Opie and Anthony. Just like blaring it. There's a slam. Well, it is funny to imagine him just being like just thought I bring you a little biscuit for my favorite biscuit and you go to like an animatronic. Yeah, like you're fucking Frankenstein in a movie.

The show seems like it's for catatonically depressed Americans that are just like he's positive. It's for americans who live in like a community where they're just not allowed to be depressed yeah it's for depressed americans who have a great way they can never show it yeah yeah depressed americans where you go back home and you visit them they're like yeah my line you know if i can blow my brains out here one day but life's great kids great you know i'm gonna I think I'm going to kill myself there. Yeah, kill myself there. So we just got the garage added in,

and I actually air-proofed all the doors and the spaces so no gases can escape. This garden hose is a bigger hose than normal. Emma's trying to knock over the tripod. Emma, what the fuck? Emma, come here. It's like rubbing her pussy on the bedpost. She wants to kill herself because we're talking about Ted Lasso.

Yeah, but Ted Lasso is that classic, like, you know, be like a goldfish. You know, if you, you know. It's Seth Galifianakis directed a TV show. It's a show devoted to being like, guys, just like live moment to moment like a dog. Yeah, it's like be retarded. Go to work. Don't think about it. Just do everything go to work don't think about it just do everything in life don't think about it because it is it is that a type of none of us have seen the show i've never

seen it we're completely but it fucking sucks fuck you i hate it i hate his stupid mustache but it's that type of toxic positivity because you could be like oh yeah my mom's dying of cancer like hey be like a goldfish man you know three seconds forget it it, yeah, my mom's dying of cancer. It's like, hey, be like a goldfish, man. You know, three seconds. Forget it. It's like, no, his mom is dying of cancer. Life is brutal sometimes. Yeah. When in reality, everyone watching, it's just like, you know, they look around the room occasionally like, I'd love to paint that wall red.

They're just walking out. We're almost late for church. God, I'd love to put my brains on the ceiling. Anyway, got to get to church. I can be told I'm a piece of shit. Give me 10% of my paycheck. Everybody, they really,

Americans want like a Michael Scott type of guy. That's the guy they decided they want. No, they want him to, but he's not, it's not a comedy.

They want him to just be. So Ted Lasso is the Hannah Gadsby of Michael Scott. With like no racism or no jokes. Because he doesn't even accidentally like do blackface and stuff. No, nothing like he's. I don't even.

I don't. You know, he's just like. I've watched every episode of the show. Yeah. The office. I watched the first season because I just caught it randomly before. Of Ted Lasso. What are we talking about?

Ted Lasso. Oh, yeah. Before it was randomly big. I just was like, I was like, I think I've had long COVID. So I was like, well, whatever, put it on. So he's just... It's just like him just being like,

you know, I'm just trying to live my best life. And then, but the show like became fucking huge. I'm just trying to cat my chickens before they hatch. But isn't it like, isn't the idea kind of stolen

from like the producers? Like, doesn't the owner of the team want to tank it? She wants to tank the soccer team so she hires the American football coach. Who's like a whack job. But lo and behold, him and a ragtag group of weirdos figure out how to turn it all around. It's like the replacements a little bit.

It's like every movie ever fucking made. Yeah. There's like a little dancing flubber. Yeah. The replacements. Bad news bears. The producers fucking pick a movie. It's that.

Yeah. Jason Siggs is just like, boys, you got to treat the field like I treat my maid. Well, it's just like, you know, whenever your wife's just fucking just like, boys, you got to treat the field like I treat my maid. Boys, just like, you know, whenever your wife's just fucking a 24-year-old, you got to be, you know, be like a panda bear. Just be round, cuddly, and roll around. Just gaslight the maid, corner her. When you want to kill yourself,

just gaslight yourself through cliche sayings that'll keep you from putting a gun in your eye. Just imagine that ball is olivia's head olivia's head you don't really watch anything do you anymore ben no that's not true i uh sometimes i watch uh trying to think what i watch i watch yankee in the south my favorite youtube bloggers yeah you gotta see uh don went nuts for this Halloween video on their live stream. I'm gonna send it to you later. No one cares.

She loves this new song she does where she works out around Halloween where it's Pamela Pumpkin. She's like, I'm Pamela Pumpkin. And she's like, anyway, no one has any idea what we're talking about. Yankee in the South, it's an incredible YouTube channel and we've done a bunch of, we watch them a lot on my podcast.

People who rope around a sewage plant. Got a popular YouTube channel. Oh God, I love this so much. Two of the most mentally challenged people I've ever seen. It's like the people from the Toxic Avenger. They crawled out of the sewer and just walked into a Fuddruckers.

And I listened to a lot of Opie and Anthony in the car today. Does that count as watching anything? No, do you watch? I watched the thumbnail. I watched the video. I scrubbed on the YouTube video of Opie and Anthony. You watch anything on Netflix or anything?

You've never seen The Sopranos. Oh, my wife makes me watch shows. She makes me. We have to find shows that we can watch together, which basically means I have to watch a show she wants to watch that i fucking hate which is what uh it's always just some bullshit that always sucks ass and then we get to the end of it and she's like wow that really sucked like after 10 episodes she's like that was one of the worst things i've ever seen she's like anyway i heard this is good my My coworker told me this is good. She does consume stuff where she's like,

this is the TV show I heard about last. This is the next three nights of our lives. Yeah, it's like digging through like the toy as a kid when you're digging through the toy box and you get to the and you're like, I guess I'll play with this fucking thing today. This dinosaur with a missing head. Hey, guys, we're doing our first ad read. And if you.

You got to leave this. Devin did a youtuber hey guys what's up youtube we're here promoting als.org we have a tier on our patreon that if you sign up for it we will do ad reads in the middle of every episode it's mid-roll yeah it's the term in the business yeah and. It's a showbiz term. It's an advertisement that goes in the middle of the podcast. And this is a guy, he didn't even want us to read an ad for him. He's just an amazing guy that loves the show and really cool. And he said, if anything, donate to ALS.org and we're going to send some of the money that we got on the Patreon to ALS.org.

Yeah. It's the ALS Association and they said that they basically always need support. So if you have the time or the money, visit that site and you can also help out with that organization. Now back to the show.

What is she doing? She's trying to get into something. Did you ever watch that Netflix series about the dark web? It's very Netflixy and mainstream, but there's like it's about like people that do swatting,

you know, like the gamers that call like SWAT team. Yeah, I remember you telling me about this. And I don't know. I think you'd appreciate it because it's about

everything you love, but it's made with that like Netflix, like mainstream, you know, angle. And so it's just kind of funny because it's like they try and make it seem like these guys are all

like really cool, but they're just like internet losers. But they do these just kind of funny because it's like, they try and make it seem like these guys are all like really cool, but they're just like internet losers. But they do these reenactments like throughout the show, you know? So it's like a guy like telling his story and then the reenactment's like,

so I'm driving down Route 66, okay? I'm riding dirty. I got a Charizard in the trunk. I got 12 stolen beanie babies in my duffel bag. I'm about to unload on some people in Vegas. It's very interesting.

That rocks. I dig that. They're doing like the outlaws. Yeah, the outlaws. Yeah, so I was living in my mom's basement drawing Pepe's on a stolen iPad. And I was selling them for Bitcoin on the dark web and exchanging it for child pornography.

You mind if I masturbate real quick? Yeah. And then it's a guy in a suit going, you don't understand. These were the most dangerous people who ever lived. Exactly. They did January 6th. They did that January 6th.

Hillary Clinton, it all traces back. Does it start with that typical Netflix documentary where it's like an empty chair and the guy sits down? Yeah, it's all that. He's like, I guess we have to start with a little green frog. And then it cuts to then it like cuts to like it cuts to like gay guys on the internet or whatever he's like do you guys have a stool for my colostomy bag well when they came up with that social media documentary on netflix what was

that one called the social everyone was obsessed with that one where it says social media is bad social dilemmas everyone's like yeah everyone after that was like it turns out my phone's bad for me that was really because they're interviewing like that guy who has it's the white guy with the dreads down he looks like job of the hut like in real life and he's just like it turns out instagram makes you feel sad sometimes yeah it's a guy that just like wants to be jar jar binks. Yeah. He's just pontificating. It's yeah. It's the guy. It's the the ripped guy who dresses up like a Dalmatian and goes around the park.

It's a guy you wouldn't even create in a video game. Yeah. This is way too retarded. But you go to you go into your office and be like, I saw that dog in there. I found my phone. They're just eating the peanut M&M's off your desk. Yeah.

They're swallowing whole water bottles out of the fridge. Swallowing peppermints. The wrapper. The wrapper. That doesn't mean we're good. But it turns out that it's not so good, dumbass. And that's why I regret trying to kill Nancy Pelosi. You're a good thinker, Danny. and that's why i regret trying to kill nancy pelosi dude i'm gonna go talk to johnny she's gonna just be i mean you know i worked with the most boomer dude that is so funny is people are gonna become

uh so well you know how this is i don't even know if i can say this, but you know how they tend to be a little horny. Huh? You know, like people, like special people. Okay. Oh, are they officially going to be the patron episode? Do special people tend to be horny? They tend to be kind of horny. Do they?

Yeah, they touch themselves and stuff. I think they're as horny as we are. They just don't have finesse about it. Well, we knew a guy at our university. They'd kick him out like he was like the town he was like our radio he was like our radio he and he would like steal people's chicken sandwiches can you describe what he looked like like pies on a windowsill he was like a bandit describe what he looked like so people have the picture of the guy uh he looked like um He looked like Black Kirby. That's what he looked like. His mouth is on his chest when he has two eyes and no head.

He's eating things and absorbing the power from it. Dude, he was legitimately 4'10". And weighed about a buck 95. Dude, and his name, we're not making this up his name was tyrone i swear to god i swear to god and he had he was like really fucked up and he had this tongue that was too big uh-huh and he always but he was he was such a fucking player that he would walk up to the hot girls at our college and he'd be like, what's up, baby? Can I get your number?

And he would flip his phone at him. It was a little flip phone and he made him put his phone in. And then didn't we, one time you guys tried to take his phone? Did I? Oh, that was us. I don't think I ever did that no it

was nice i didn't have any friends he was like the only guy i talked to my friend group gave him a ride and they tried to be like tyrone what's in that phone he reached when he's like fuck you up man like holding his fist he would get girls numbers and then like go into the bathroom and immediately like send them a dick pic yeah like send the picture but nobody like wanted to say anything because he's just like right it's it it's like you just pet him just try and settle down it is like it is like a horse got out of a trailer

you're like alright it's on the road you're doing the raptor thing from the new Jurassic Park you're like alright easy girl easy dude one time he came up to me Jurassic Park. You're like, all right, easy girl. Easy. Dude,

one time he came up to me and he just like walked. I would like, I had a Chick-fil-A sandwich. This was when I was, I was like 235 then. So this is my biggest. Damn. I'm eating my usual Chick-fil-A

and he walks up next to me like, and you're me and he's just standing and he doesn't look at me. He's like, and he just kind of looked at me in the corner of his eye

and he goes, give me your chicken sandwich. I just had, I was like, all right, here you't look at me. He's like, he just kind of looked at me in the corner and he goes, give me your chicken sandwich. I was like, all right, here you go Tyrone. He was like turned around. What would he have done if you didn't give it to him? He would have thrown a fit. He would have. Yeah, it would have been a huge problem. I would have had to call the police.

They'd have to restrain him. Yeah, he was, I remember he used to give me a chicken sandwich um he used to he loved chicken sandwiches and loves chicken sandwich and pussy yeah he lived he lived i'm sorry i guess i should have i should have brought this up. But he lived. A lot of times he would sleep in the coach's office. We knew the head basketball coach at our college. Yeah, so they let him sleep there. Yeah, and he would just like walk up to the coach.

He'd be like, coach, that game really sucked. You guys got your ass kicked. And the coach would be like, thank you, Trevor. And I appreciate that. He'd be like, all right, I'm going to go take a nap. He'd just masturbate into a cushion. It's like horny Sling Blade.

Dude, he was our Sling Blade. Nice. And he got kicked out of school because they caught him masturbating. Yeah, they caught him jacking off. We got to do something because it's like a health. Yeah, like the health department came. You can't let him just like

there's calm everywhere. We got to get him. We got to get him off. Like OSHA was like, you got to get rid of this guy. Yeah. So I think they just called like the white wildlife department or whatever. They call us pest control. They threw a net on him.

Yeah, they got him with the big thing for dogs. they capture snakes with he's running around trying to jack off like easy yeah it's like duress it's just like shoot him shoot him just lowering a chicken sandwich like via crane yeah they're lowering a chicken sandwich via crane. They're lowering a whole cow into his apartment. And a bunch of porn.

Yeah, that's how they're distracted. They're like, all right, easy. Look, big tits, round asses. They caught him with a cardboard box with a Maxim with a little stick. You put a chicken sandwich on someone's ass and his head explodes.

But that's why you gotta set a movie like Radio back in the 80s or something before he could just have an iPad and just be ruined. Right. Radio would be ruined. Radio wouldn't exist. It'd just be like the movie would start with a family driving to Walmart,

getting their retarded child an iPad, and then he just plays Angry Birds for 18 years straight. And they're like, Radio, do you want to help manage the football team? He's like, that's gay. Football's gay. Football's gay. I play Slappy Bird. I want to play Slappy Bird.

I can't help it. It makes Ben laugh too much. He'd be like, put on the new Eminem. Put on the Eminem show. On revival. On revival. Oh, God. put on the Eminem show on revival oh god Christ on the cross what was his name again?

Tyrone he was a really interesting we knew a couple there was a homeless guy named what did they call him? the homeless guy Ben who was in Galaxy oh Kevlar his name was Kevlar What did they call him? The homeless guy, Ben, who was in Galaxy? Oh, Kevlar. His name was Kevlar.

Yeah, Kevlar. We weren't allowed because it was a Christian college. We weren't allowed to have fraternities, but we could have social clubs. So they would pledge you, and they pledged a 45-year-old homeless guy. So they hazed a homeless guy who joined in with them. They hazed them for like... Because he wanted to be a part of the sorority. To join in. To join in.

What did they make him do? To the fraternity. Yeah, they made him run and... They're like, get a job. If you don't, we kill you. All right, we're going to haze the homeless guy. You can't smoke crack for four days. Time's up, Stinky.

And then at the ceremony they're like So mean. His name was Kevlar because he said he got shot a bunch and lived. Oh Gracie's back. Hi Gracie. We might have been mean as fuck. It's just becoming

targeted harassment oh yeah that guy and then at the ceremony after after they inducted him they're like alright we're all like men of God though right and like John 316 alright cool anyway we just haze the homeless guy who's insane

yeah but they're like but you know his iron sharpens eyes you know I'll say homeless man give me 25 pushups right now like a guy who doesn't

have enough calories to stand up anyways so the father's son father's son yeah I didn't join that social club but all my friends were in it and then I got Ben to join it

because he didn't have any friends and then one night I got really drunk and I hazed Ben because I was just hanging out. Did you really? Yeah. No, I don't know if you remember that. I was like, I went to like, well, sometimes we'd be like blindfolded or whatever. That was probably it. I went to one of the hazings that I'd never been hazed.

And then I just, I got drunk. I got right to it. I was like, give me a fucking 25 pushups. And then like, I did that for like five minutes. I was like, oh, this is like, really? Like, not only is this fucked up to it. I was like, give me 25 push-ups. I did that for five minutes. I was like, oh, this is really... Not only is this fucked up to start, I also am not a part of this. One time, they... I'm just in the Stanford Prison Experiment.

They made me take a 15... I'm a part of something. I start walking around. I'm like, we got a Faye to communicate right here. You give me syphilis. It's like Tuskegee. It's kind of always... I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. You give me like, uh, you give me like syphilis. Yeah. Tuskegee. Uh, but, uh, I don't know.

You, uh, you said the experiment, uh, the, uh, you said the other one, whatever, who cares?

Anyway, the Kirby guy, that was the A to Z job, but yeah, anyway, sorry, go ahead. Yeah.

Uh, someone, uh, I had to take a 15 second pool of of rum and I already drank a bunch before that because it was supposed to be one of the worst nights. And then they put me I was so drunk. And then they stripped me down in my underwear and then I had to lay

in the bed of a pickup that was filled with ice in the winter and they drove me like eight miles outside of town with a couple other people laying in the bed of the pickup like down the highway and then dropped me off at like a, like a really shitty lake in the middle of nowhere. Yeah.

They abandoned me. And then we had to like walk, walk back, like in our underwear, like freezing cold, like super drunk, like seven miles or something. Jesus Christ.

But also you can fucking, but I immediately fell down because I was so drunk and I have a huge scar across my knee that I needed stitches. I was bleeding everywhere. And then cops, a sheriff pulled over and was like, what is going on? You guys reek of alcohol. I remember I tried to step in front of everybody and speak. And everybody was like, Ben, please.

You don't even know what you're saying right now. And I'm like, I fall back in line. And they're trying to talk him down. He's going to put us all. He's going to like put us all, he's like calling for backup. And then he gets a call. It's the classic thing where he gets the call from like his cruiser.

And he's like, give me one, give me one second. Cause it's, I have a 25 a. Yeah. Okay. 25.

I have a black kid in a convenience store. I got to get the hell out of here. I have a, I have a black man entering his own home. I got a 25 the hell out of here. I have a black man entering his own home. I got a 25A Tyrone's on the loose. He's like, give me one second. He goes back to the car, gets in, gets out a minute later. He's like, all right, you guys

are off the hook because they just found a guy at the lake about a mile from here. And apparently he has like 25 shotguns and rifles in the trunk of his car and we don't know what he's doing and we're trying so we have a whole situation but like they don't know if he has a bomb or what but basically

they're like giving you way too much way too much info his coordinates are 45 .70 anyway they're like you're very lucky you guys are free to go but you better call someone right now. Does anybody have a cell phone? One person had a phone, and we had to call them to come pick us up because we're like,

we already got... A sheriff already was going to arrest all of us, basically. But luckily, there was a guy that was going to... Thank God there was a terrorist. There was Steven Paddock was down the road. Thank God. A man was trying really hard to kill himself. A man was trying to shove nine guns in his mouth at once i remember i've had i've had cops do that a couple times where i fucking i had that in pasadena i got pulled over because i was making a right

on a red and there was like a little lady in the crosswalk but she's like fucking 80 feet like on the other side so i'm like what am i gonna wait for this little old lady and i just went it's always the motorcycle cops or the assholes. Yeah. And he pulled me over and he got, I swear to God, he was like fucking four feet tall. Yeah.

They have a Napoleon complex. They know they look like super gay. Yeah. Their ass is all tight in the pants and shit. Yeah. They have like the hip, like the hip pants that like, they look like Megan,

the stallion and their stupid little fucking hat. And he got out and he was just like, he came over. He's like, you know, he's like, you know what you just did? I was like, I was like, I thought you could make a right in California. He goes, you can make a res.

Somebody's not in the fucking crosswalk. And I go, oh, she's really far away. I go, is that not cool? And he goes, he goes, let me ask you something. Don't play fetch on the podcast. Playing fetch with the dog. He goes, he goes, let me ask you something you take the california driver's license test and i go yeah he goes that's interesting because the answer to that question would have been on the test so i guess you didn't take it and then i was like oh my god oh god i was like oh my god you literally want to go like, dude, give me whatever ticket.

Just get away from me. Get the fuck. I feel like you're going to trick me into getting shot or something. Do you need some oxygen? What's going on? Like, I literally thought, like, he was going to do the thing, like, get down on your knees. Cross your leg the other way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Crawl down three crawls. And then he got the, like, little radio. It's like, oh, there's a billion old women being he got the little radio. It's like, there's a billion old women being raped down the street. And he's like, it's your fucking lucky day. There was a 69074. He goes,

would have given you a $600 ticket. You have a nice one. And I was like, all right. Jesus Christ. That guy sucks. That's how they are.

They go, sir, I'm white. Sir. Just a guy that if he goes, I'm retarded. That don't mean shit down here. That don't mean shit to me, boy. That don't mean shit here in Pasadena. I'm mentally retarded.

Boy, can you read my lips? Because I can't read words. He has like a propeller hat. Yeah. I'm writing you a ticket for $11 billion. It's a lollipop. You got your tickets for infinity trillion dollars. He pulls you over.

He goes, can you tie my shoes? He's like writing a ticket for you in a crown. Yeah. He goes, I got one question for you what is my name what is it i don't know what is emma emma is running in and out of the room and hitting the tripod and now she's turning back around again emma get over here knock it out the dogs just love podcasting yeah they love a good pod. They love it. Hey, hey.

Well, we're at an hour here, folks. And I think this is going to be the regular app, even though we did that whole Tyrone thing. Well, we didn't invent him. That's true. It's not racist. It's not racist to just say what he is. By the way, I left out his origin story that I'm not going to tell. Yeah, we do. I'm not going to tell.

It's too bad. It ruins the whole thing. If you know that his, because he's like a superhero. But you know how superhero stories are always so cool? Yeah. And then you go, like Superman's awesome. Like he kicks ass and flies everywhere. And then his origin

story is that he was just like on a farm like as a guy. Yeah. And it sucks ass. And something bad happened. So he wasn't born that way. Something happened to him midway? Yeah, something happened to him. He got sucked into the bowling ball machine. The bowling ball return machine.

He got bit by a retarded spider. Okay, and it's a... Oh God, that funny yeah uh and thanks for supporting the yeah thanks for everybody supported the first week went great and uh we're all very the staff and we threw up a camera in the this is where we've been doing the thing from is my guest's bedroom where the dogs come in and out but we're gonna get a real thing going you know we're gonna get the dogs put down. You have room in your apartment, so we might build something. I want to brag.

I have a one-bedroom apartment. But you have a corner, I saw, that you haven't put anything in. Yeah. I think we might put something in. I screwed up, and I got a 1,000-square-foot apartment, and I own about 200 square feet of furniture. So we have room to put stuff up. Jace just has, like, Jace has got a really big apartment

for all his Kool-Aid jammers. Yeah. He has like crates of Kool-Aid jammers that they bring in on a valid. I don't know why I thought I've seen you do that. I've never seen you do that. I've never seen it. I've seen you do it at the house.

Which is normal. Which is a normal thing. Yeah, I know. I'm not saying it's not normal. I've never seen that. I've seen Jace drink soup out of a shoe. Now that I've done. But that just makes sense.

But I'll go on record. I've never seen. You know where I was, Matt? I was about to make that same joke. Oh, were you really? Yeah, I was waiting for you to say whatever thing and then bomb. And then I would do my Kool-Aid jam. You know what they call me down at the comedy clubs?

They call me the king of callbacks. Down at the clubs. Down at the clubs. Down at the clubs. I like to, you know, dress up, go down to the clubs. All right. All right. Well, anyway. Thank you, folks.

All right. Bye. Bye. I'm sorry. Thank you.