lemonparty - 004: monster truck brain

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

insurrection meemaw, advertisements, don draper, bo burnham, ukraine nazi, kamala harris, dating as a fat kid, two-a-days, elmo musk, cheeto, jay leno, cybertruck, relapsing five more episodes on the private feed: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery   website for lemonparty: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q lemonparty podcast, lemon party podcast, ben avery's podcast #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why don't we just like watch some commercials? Why don't we just watch some commercials? The podcast is just us watching old Old Spice commercials. It's like the classics, you know? We're watching Old Spice and we're going, dude, this shit is wild. That's fucking funny, dude. Dude, Liberty Bibberty?

Dude, the Bud Night is like twisted. I don't know what sick people came up with Dilly Dilly. Dilly Dilly. Dude, Ben, remember the day that you and I both discovered that there's thousands of people that on YouTube watch commercials and they comment and they're like, that's so funny. Like, that shit got me like, yo. Oh my God. Which means they see the commercial on television. And they go on YouTube and they watch it again for entertainment purposes.

And somehow they're smart enough to go, well, if it's on the TV, it's probably on the computer, too. Yep. Somehow. Somehow that brain dead person knows it's on the computer, too. They ask their wife to look it up on YouTube. Honey. Honey. Honey, you know how you do everything

on the computer for me? Can you look up the funny Liberty Bibbity commercial? Imagine like Don Draper pitching modern commercials. He's like Liberty Bibbity. It's fucking hilarious. It's like Little Caesars and then he goes

pizza, pizza. I think it could do wonders. It's a little caesars and then he goes pizza pizza i think could do wonders it's a little e-trade baby but it's talking about finance look at him back to me look at him back to me it's fucking brilliant yeah don draper going like what if we made a bunch of commercials about how like like martin luther king would you use mastercard what if we didn't they're like don oh my god don you're amazing he's yeah he's like what if what if we did um what if we uh we at raytheon sponsored uh gay pride week just like they're like don we're a missile defense company he's just just moving his drink around just here's here's what you do during Gay Pride Month.

You change your profile picture to a rainbow flag. It's like, but Don, we pump asbestos into rivers in China. Kill children. We turn little Chinese children into flipper babies. It is fun to think of him in situations where he's like, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yogurt on the go. Exactly. Go-gurt.

Go-gurt. It will change the way you think about your dairy products, ladies and gentlemen. You could be skateboarding. You could be on the pogo stage. Ladies and gentlemen, when pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. Why limit it to dinner, or lunch it's called blm and these people mean business now if you excuse me i'm gonna go rail out an emo pog that i met on reddit because i show my cock on reddit it's funny to think that like a

like a don draper ad exec guy like invented the fourth meal yeah yeah ladies and gentlemen the fourth meal that guy and that guy bought a house because of that the guy yeah yeah presenting to the board of taco bell yeah the guy who came up with the uh chihuahua from taco bell owns half of connecticut right he comes home his, they ask him like, what happened today? And he goes, I was just like, what's up? And they it was the most legendary moment in the company's history.

Yeah, honey, quit your job because I'm the what's up guy. I did it. He goes, I fucking did it. Yeah, just on a speedboat like doing coke off a hooker being like, I came up with the Budweiser frogs. Fuck you. I'm worth $11 billion.

Dude, one time I was hammered at a bar and a guy came up to me really drunk and he's like, dude, do you know who I am? I was like, I have no idea who you are. Great opening. He was like, dude, I produced the Space Jam soundtrack. And I was so drunk, I was like, oh my God, this is actually the guy who produced the Space Jam soundtrack. You're Michael Jordan? Dude, I woke up the next morning and I was like, it's all different songs. Yeah, right.

You can't have produced the Joker. Isn't the Joker in that? the Joker? Space Jam this is your dream he's like meshing worlds that he just wants to see it's his dream version of Space Jam the guy who wrote I'm a midnight toker

he has a song in Space Jam Steve Miller? I was thinking I was going to call it the Steve Allen Band. Oh, my God. I have to retire from podcasting four episodes in. Yeah, you're about to call it the... So, what did he do?

Wait, wait. He said he produced the Space... You can't produce the Space Jam album. It's a collection of songs. It's just a collection of songs. Right. It's R. Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly. That means he just exported it.

Somebody had to click save file. Somebody had to turn a wave into a move. Hello. Yeah, he's like, you're like, what did you do? And he's like, I got the girl so I could piss on him. That was my main contribution to Space Jam. I held the ladies down. Yeah, I cleaned them off.

I cleaned the piss off of them. You produced the album for Space Jam. Yeah, I cleaned them off. I cleaned the piss off of them. Produced the album for Space Jam. Ad guys are fascinating to me. Like, they're still ad men. They are, yeah. But they can't, they're not, like, back then in Mad Men, it was, like, fucking really distinguished and cool. And now the ad guys are just, what are they doing?

They're like, this is Paris Hilton. She's got some fucking, her tits are out. She's washing the car and then fucking the burger dripped on her fucking hot tits. Fuck yeah! It's really just a guy... It's a guy with a monster truck brain. Yeah.

They're the ones making these new... Yeah, yeah. It's a guy shooting up bang energy into his veins. Yeah. He's like, I have to become the consumer to think like them. Yeah. He just starts like shitting in a cage and flinging his feces at people walking by. Yeah.

He's like, I'm getting into character. This is how I brainstorm. You know, they don't even really- Because I rub my shit all over me. Just a guy who looks like the honeycomb guy? Yeah, a guy who looks like Honey Boo Boo. He looks like trans Honey Boo Boo. He looks like trans Honey Boo Boo. He goes, what?

What if we made, what if, you know, like how they have Code Red in the military? What if we made a man do like that? Be like, bruh. Bruh, that's how the executives talk. No, the executives are just like, fuck yeah! Like, Don Draper now is like, boom! He's like doing the hump fucking dance.

He's doing suck it, suck it! State Farm, like a good neighbor, State Farm's there! He does a line. Fuck you. I love Tucker Max. So I hope they serve beer

in hell brother. They don't really even do commercials like the old ones we just mentioned. Yeah. Those are like

classics. Those are like the throwbacks now. They don't even do like explicit commercials anymore. They don't do them anymore.

I remember when I was a kid, you could jack off to a Carl's Jr. commercial. Country's gone straight to hell. Those days are over, bud. Yeah, because it was a lot of like... I remember it was always a voiceover guy being like, you want a big, fat, titted woman to suck your cock while you eat Gushers. Yeah, it was just like a girl like huge yeah it was all based around like i think it was all based around super bowl commercials imagine the gushers are vajay yeah imagine you you shove a fucking twizzler up your pussy because you're a fucking man

because it was just like the type here where they're like well women don't buy things so we only marketed the fucking retards in the Midwest. Yeah. Yeah. What is like an explicit commercial nowadays? Sorry to cut you off. Oh, explicit commercial nowadays. There's not commercials that make waves anymore.

Mm-mm. Back then, you used to talk about commercials. You'd be like, that's, like, parents would be like, the parasail, this commercial's a lot. Yeah, yeah. It's a little too much. It's a lot. Yeah, now it's just like master chief drinking like

uh uh monster energy or something they don't even do commercials for that the biggest oh he's just on the can i guess yeah i don't well who watches tv i don't know what's going on anymore but there's commercials to skip ads and shit on youtube like there's still commercials everywhere which is not on classical tv but i just see commercials on my instagram stories yeah i see ads for things i don't think exist and that's just for like green powders put in a drink and it gives them a fat ass or something i don't even know what's going on on instagram it's just like a woman eating like look it's coconut shavings on top of like pudding and it gives me i have three million followers now yeah if you're great at advertising on the internet you're like we made a knife out of heroin.

And you can buy that because of a weird extradition law in Puerto Rico. Yeah. We technically, what we do is it's shipped under the name of a 13-year-old slave that he's going to prison for the product we've made. Every product now is like, it's water that supports the troops.

I saw... You ever see a clip of Bo Burnham and you go, God damn, I wish I was Bo Burnham. He's on... Yeah, it's pretty amazing. He's like the king of the internet. I'm so jealous of that guy. He did this whole very self-righteous speech

when they were at some press conference for his movie about the child. Eighth grade. Eighth grade, yeah yeah all right that's what i said you're diminishing it no no made it sound like he made a child born that was like at sundance right well but anyway uh beau went super viral on twitter because he's like guys listen up you know they used to uh Sorry, I have sinus problems. I can hear you spitting, man. Guys, you know, they used to conquer land.

It was like Manifest Destiny and stuff. He goes, now they're trying to manifest... They're trying to conquest all your... And obviously, he sounded really smart. I saw it. It was brilliant. Yeah, he said... What he said was amazing.

He said, they're trying to take all your time away from you. It's my new ringtone. Is the Bo Burnham three minute speech? Is Bo Burnham going like, they're coming for you every day. Every day,

they're coming for you. Yeah, I treat that like a Richard Feynman speech. That's your, that's your Alan Watts that you put on. Exactly.

Yeah, I do mushrooms. I listen to Bo Burnham talk about Twitter being bad for me. And I go, oh man, I love this take that I had eight years ago is finally going viral. It would rock to be Bo Burnham. I would just have to be smart. Yeah. And then I could maybe learn how to play all those instruments.

Yeah. You got to learn how to play instruments and learn how to put things in a nice package so just 22-year-olds can be like, he gets it. You have the setup here. Yeah. I have the whole setup to be Bo Burnham. If I think, if you think about it. And then every once in a while.

None of the talent. Yeah. Every once in a while, Gerard Carmichael calls me. He's like, I'm trans now. Let's do a special. He's like, all right, I got the shots. Yeah. That's his whole calendar.

It's booked off like this comic's trans this week and yeah in june i gotta go i gotta be trans for a month so yeah i got some meetings with hbo in august so i think i'm gonna be trans and uh we we're actually getting we're we're having a writer's retreat we're gonna try and come up with the worst hbo special of all time and i know we're not supposed to talk about stand-up but no that's so funny yeah oh that's it really is like all those like everybody who still gets like industry shit is like really having a competition to make the worst yeah it is it's like and also you apparently only get an hbo special if no one's in the room like hbo is like, all right, we'll give you a special, but no crowd.

I want my shot at making something really bad, though. Yeah. God damn it. I have it within me, too. Where's my opportunity to stink? Yeah. I want to make a big mess of something. Give me a bunch of money,

and I'll make a big stink. You could be like, it's my special is it's me with my mouth taped shut. And it's a commentary about how we're silenced every day. Yep. Yeah. That'd be great. And the whole special is you going like...

But it's in black and white. Yes. And there's jazz music in the background. And it's some sort of French title of some kind. But remember, the guy that started the jazz music thing, he's a rapist. And he's never been funny. That's right, Devin. And of course I'm talking about Bill Cosby, Woody Allen.

Devin gets a few drip beers and then he starts going off on Louis. See, I was going off on him. That would be funny. Every time Devin gets a little drunk, he starts to get really mad about Louis C.K. You know, he held the doors closed. Never been funny in his life. Does Devin been drinking tonight? He's mad about Louis again.

We have to have an intervention. His whole career is on the backs of his kids. He's done nothing but hurt women. To calm you down, we just have to put on the penis CK routine. Oh, man. Ladies and gentlemen, yogurt on the go.

Let's just go back to the advertising bit to get out of comedy. Yes, we don't talk about insane open microns all that we know it's a stand-up special it's get this no one's in the crowd and also nobody sees it we don't even release it Nobody sees it. We don't even release it. We film the whole thing and we just burn the tapes. It's a concept. Joey and I had this idea

because every TV show is so bad. We had this idea for the greatest editor in Hollywood and when a show is being put out, they call him up and they go, we need the fixer. And he comes in

and he just comes over to your computer like some awful new show on HBO or whatever he comes over to your computer he's editing it yeah and he goes okay now

step aside step aside he goes alright now control alt delete and then he goes now is this on any other things is there a backup

so like you push my hands away from the keyboard but it's like he's like an expert he comes in and everyone's like whoa this is the big like this guy like a Winston Wolf guy yeah he's like an expert. He comes in and everyone's like, whoa, this guy. Like a Winston Wolf guy.

He's the fixer. And he comes in and he goes, control, delete. And he goes, now is there a hard drive with this on it? And he goes, now, okay, now, now, now, now. Now drag that to the trash. Okay, now put that in the trash. Now erase the hard drive. And then he goes, my work here is done.

And he walks out and they go, that guy's good. He's on the cover of the Hollywood Reporter. It says the man that's changing television. The reason why there's nothing on your TV. Just walking in and wiping a huge magnet

over every hard drive at Warner Brothers and HBO. Like, this man is single-handedly saving this country. They do a big ticker tape parade for him in New York. People, he meets the president. The new Thelma Schoonmaker. He deletes everything made.

But they still keep filming new stuff. They keep filming it and then they call him in. He goes, okay, now step aside. Control-Alt-Delete. Everything's so bad. Yeah, everything's legitimately terrible. Everything's been horrible for about six, seven years. Yeah.

You know? And it's to the point where it infuriates you because people you know who are cool will not give it to you that something sucks. Like you just be like that's a piece of shit and they're like I actually thought

that was pretty great. Well because everyone we know thinks they'll be in it. Right. That's the problem. We don't talk to anybody. Like if you talk to regular people they like don't know

what's happening. Yeah. They have like no clue what's going on. There's people that are just like I'm just going to watch Longmire until this gets better. What the hell is Longmire?

I don't know. It has 19 seasons though. They're like I'm just going to watch Themire until this gets better. What the hell is Longmire? I don't know. It has 19 seasons, though. I'm just going to watch The Ranch until they make some good shit. Yeah, I watch The Ranch until Thursday night football comes on. And then on the weekends, I just beat my wife. TV is so bad, people think sporting events are written now. Yeah, yeah. They're like like that was great

work yeah though did you see amazon is producing football now that's great like there's gonna be like order the rings characters in it ben legitimately what's the last thing you've liked you don't do anything last thing i've liked i'm trying to think i'm trying to think of something that isn't like a fishing channel on youtube exactly like a like a fat kid yeah who's like trying to start his fishing channel you want to get in like the writer's room of like like fucking nickacott like you want to be in the writer's room yeah but it's like it's six days to air but it's i'm making a mukbang with the avocado avocado right it's yeah it's you with industry legends yeah i'm trey parker just walking around the room you're like okay so like so he eats the chicken nuggets therefore he throws up in the box

but he throws up he eats it we're just trying to replace our ands with therefores. Therefore, he eats the Doritos Locos Tacos. Therefore, he has diarrhea. But he actually throws up before he shits. Therefore, he's hungry again. But he doesn't want any more food on his plate. Therefore, he goes to Olin, his gay boyfriend, for all of you who don't know who that is. And they get in a big fight.

Therefore, they go to Target. He rides around in a rascal scooter and does that thing where he's blinking like he's a weird guy. And then that's the whole documentary. Therefore, he puts on a CPAP machine and shoots gravy through it. Dude, I forgot about the CPAP. And you keep going, therefore, the country gets destroyed over time. But we run out of water because Nestle bought all that. You're riding the apocalypse.

And BlackRock has bought all properties, so no one has money. Who is my Matt Stone for this? You're Matt Stone? No, I'm Trey Parker, who's Matt Stone. Oh, you're Matt Stone? If I'm building the writer's room for like, I'm writing an episode of Nick Acato Avocado, who is my Matt Stone? It'd probably be you and Sam.

Yeah. At Extremely Online Boy. It would be great if it was just me and mike pence yeah these shits just start taking these people out of office and like like if you if you do a whole presidential run like you're a person like mike pence after that then you should just get a shot at making a tv show yeah or they should do if you run for president and you don't get the nomination you you go on the Masked Singer, like Rudy Giuliani. But then at the end, when you take it, they just cut your head off.

They do Firing Squad. Yeah, yeah. I think that would be good for the country. Ken Jeong pulls out a gun and shoots you right through the head. It's the voice, but the guy is tied up. Yeah, they're judging who can scream for their life the chair turns and he's like yeah ken jong just break dancing the whole time that's the show where people sing right they're all that's every show all we want to do is see people sing before we die

we want to see somebody that wasn't the original guy sing a song and he's not nearly as good then we all die that's the country yeah and it's always like a thing it's like he's a big samoan guy like she's gay but she's gonna sing that song we all love you won't believe how she belts out billy joel and they're like but you don't understand they all have a shot at a career making twenty thousand dollars a year we give them a record we give them a record deal where they're going to tour the country for three years until they kill themselves in a in a best western it is because you always like there's like a win there's like three winners of the voice every year

and you've you've not heard of a single one none of them have gone on to them have gone on to be, like, anybody close to, like, American Idol stars. Yeah. So what is the point of these shows? They don't turn into it. None of these people turn into it. If you win The Voice, you don't get evicted that month. That's your prize. They're like, we'll leave, we'll pay the DWP bill

for, like, two weeks. Yeah. Yeah. I've known somebody who's, like, competed on The Voice, and she just, like, worked at the Disney store. You know, she's like gone multiple episodes. She's just selling people like plush Lilo and Stitches. Yeah, she's selling people like big stuffed goofies and just like...

America's Got Talent can help people. Oh, really? There's a few comedians. But yeah, like I've known that have gone. They got pretty big off that. Yeah, we know. Yeah, a couple people have gone legitimately big off of that yeah and there's always like some guy who's just wearing a big pair of pants as a costume yeah it's that a lot of times it's just a guy that looks like he's like in october fest and he comes out he like plays the flute right

it's like well that we can't do anything with that it's a guy in a dragon costume like yeah playing a xylophone with his ass cheeks and they're like well we'll get we'll give you a couple thousand dollars it's just a dog walks out there and takes his shit it's america's got talent they have like the q anon shaman on like this man broke into nancy pelosi's office what a talent what is he would he go on stage and just pick a walk what does he do he just is like i don't know he just yeah he pushes he roars yeah he's like and then he pushes another woman in front of gunfire she gets shot in the neck and bleeds out who is that lady you guys showed me

it was q anon nanny ma or something i didn't know that what the hell are you talking about who's the lady at the cap that looked like super retarded? Oh, no, no, no. It was like the ghost of Ashley Babbitt. The old lady. Yeah, they call her Insurrection Meemaw. She's my favorite. She's maybe my favorite person ever to exist.

I love her. I love her. That picture is where she's just like, she's this old woman in the Capitol just like. And she's holding the big like to go soda mug thing. Yep. Yeah. Is she really? She kicks ass in the insurrection. The old woman in the insurrection. Is she a ghost? Was she actually there?

I don't know. She might. She looks like she just popped out of the picture from The Shining. Look at her. Look at her. She kicks ass. She's got the travel mug. If they prosecuted her, I'm going to fucking riot. We should protest in the streets to get this lady out. If they did anything to her.

If her fucking family told on her, I'll kill them. That's bullshit. Look at how pure she is. She doesn't even know what's happening. She has no idea. She thinks she's at the aquarium. That's generational incest. Yeah. She has no idea. She thinks she's at the aquarium. That's generational incest. Yeah.

Of the highest degree. Yeah, like one of her eyes is like a banjo. Her pussy's a harmonica. She has an eye in her hand like a Pan's Labyrinth character. She has an eye in her hand like a Pan's Labyrinth character. Jesus Christ. Her teeth are in her throat.

I love instruction meemaw, dude. She looks like she would turn into an evil creature of some kind. If you played the right tune. She looks like she lives in goo. Like Austin Powers. You thaw her out every January 6th so she can walk around the Capitol going like, I'm trying to find a present

for my grandson. She was like, where's the... She was in there. She was the only person asking, where's the gift shop? I'm trying to find a postcard so I can send to my great grandson.

Can we stop acting like the Capitol riot wasn't the funniest, greatest thing that ever happened in this country? It was the funniest thing that ever happened. I was never more excited watching TV than when I was watching that. Yeah, yeah. I went home from work so I could just watch the whole Capitol riot. It was like the country came together to have like an OJ Chase moment. Mm-hmm.

Well, not the country, just to have like an oj chase moment well not the country just these people but it was right and it was so funny people like the amount of people being like oh no not the united states senators all these people that like had to vilify but it's like you know mitch mcconnell was running for his life right like is that a bad day to you yeah mitt romney was hiding in like a. Yeah. That's great. Everyone's living off of Nancy Pelosi's breast milk in a basement, afraid to die. That's amazing. That's an amazing day in American history.

I don't give a fuck. I know everyone that did it was the wrong side, and they all suck, and they're dumb. We need dumb people like that to occasionally fucking take charge. Yeah. I bet every liberal person wanted to storm the Capitol when Roe v. Wade got overturned, but you can't charge. Yeah. I bet every liberal person wanted to storm the Capitol when Roe v. Wade got overturned, but you can't now. Yeah, because you're too weak.

You vilified it. Yeah, you're not dumb enough to do it. Just because a bunch of guys in red hats did it doesn't mean we might have to do it too someday. It was also so funny the amount of guys who were tweeting, breaking news, I'm in Nancy Pelosi's office. I've accessed her emails. He's like, breaking news, I'm in Nancy Pelosi's office. I've accessed her emails.

He's like, breaking news, I'm committing, I'm going to jail. There were dudes that were like, just change Nancy Pelosi's homepage to meet spin. Woo!

Remember that guy that was like in, like where they do legislation? What's that called? The other part? The floor. The floor. Yeah, yeah.

He was just like, yeah, making like, he was like, four locos are legal again. Woo! He's passing laws. He's passing laws. He's like signing papers.

Dude, we're making the fucked up four locos. The ones that kill people. The fucked up four locos are back, bitch. Woo! Insurrection Meemaw's like, and you can marry your daddy. Insurrection Me, ma. Dude, we're going to make water burgers in every state.

Make it a law. Oh, God. We're going to put a price hike on jerky. It's too expensive. I also, yeah, I there was like a false rumor that there there was a picture of a it was like from a fake it's the there's a water glass down here too i just don't want to you know i cut a hole in my pocket i'm jacking off throughout the podcast yeah we're recording devin's doing a dumb and dumber.

He's filling up like three beer bottles with piss. No, I remember there was like a fake. Everybody thought it was real for a second. There was a report that there was a 5'3 man who had stolen all of AOC's shoes. And it like made off from the Capitol. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was great.

Yeah, there were like dudes in there that were just were just smelling AOC's panties in her locker. Yeah, there was a guy eating her bras. Choking it down. Sending each other stimulus checks. What a great day. That was fantastic. Suck my dick. You have some problem with that?

Yeah, yeah. They let him in. They did. They did. my dick you have some problem with that yeah yeah they let him in they did they did what's how there's literally footage of the people just like of the security guards like going like right this way like what am i supposed to think it seemed a little interesting to me yeah there was like there's literally like two cops in a barricade yeah and then meanwhile baked alaska is just pushing his way through yeah yeah whatever it was just it was just a funny day and i think we've gone too crazy with it yeah the fbi should show out yeah it was also funny it's also

funny people like rooting for the cia they're like rooting for publicly doxing people yeah the department of homeland security that was what was so funny about trump is that anything he went against people had to like right so all of a sudden they had to like the cia oh yeah people like i love comey the director of the fbi it wasn't i think the the great bureau comey's great didn't you know his grandfather killed mlk people really when he was president it was opposite day or whatever he he's like actually no matter what. Folks, actually, I hate wearing big diapers and going poo-poo and pee-pee in them. And everyone on Twitter is like, I actually love pissing and shitting in my diapers. It do me tats.

It's extremely ableist to not be able to piss in a diaper. He was like, we're not going to go to war. You almost touched my dick. It's ableist. You touched my, I'm sorry. I almost grabbed your dick. It's ableist. You touched my dick. I'm sorry. I almost grabbed your dick. You crazed my dick. Jesus Christ.

It's considered ableist to not be pro-pissing and diapers. I miss you. Mr. Man. I identify as mentally retarded, and I like to go piss-piss in my diaper. My pronouns are retard Oh god Oh fuck I've never pissed or shit in a diaper

I only go cum in them I love to go cum cum In my diaper Actually if you cum in that diaper you're racist You can only go Pee pee in your diap diap You don't do big cums to go cum cum in my diaper. Actually, if you cum in that diaper, you're racist. You can only go pee pee in your diaper. You don't do big cums. People are like, my cum's black.

My cum's black. That's okay. Go take a shit, take a shower oh god yeah it sure was so crazy that like trump would be like uh i don't like wars yeah and all of a sudden everyone's like what yeah there's a lot of yemeni weddings we could bomb yeah it was yeah it was very much he's like we gotta get we gotta get out of out of Europe and now people are like hey there's good Nazis over there sir

did you see on CNN what CNN I saw you put it on your Instagram Ukraine like won some I don't know it's a parade and a guy's just hailing Hitler

and CNN's like look at him they're having a great time and it's just a guy Sig hailing right they defended like a shack and

yeah that's their black power fist over there he's literally a guy Sig hailing. Right. They defended like a shack and yeah, that's their black power fist over there. He's literally doing the Sig Heil on CNN. He's just waving to the crowd.

That's all. Yeah, Sig Heil's like playing Triumph of the Will. They're like, look at them, the brave Ukrainians marching for freedom.

Yeah, they're playing like Erica. Is that the march? I think it's Erica. Who knows? You shouldn't know. Yeah, you shouldn't know.

what's that? I think that's their march. I think it's erica who knows you shouldn't know yeah you shouldn't know what's that i think that's their march i think it's called erica ukrainian march no the nazi march i think it was called it was just named after a chick they wanted to fuck yeah what okay i mean like it's jessica by the almond brothers band fine i'll yeah it's like bonobers forever ago the march written by Eric Clapton. Yeah, the Nazi song, No Tears in Heaven. Oh, yeah, German marching song. It's Erica. Wow.

You have to be pretty racist to know that. Is this a Nazi song or just a German marching song? Is this after they hated Nazis? I think this is like... Wait, what do you mean? I don't know. Germans, you can't bring it up anymore with them. I think this is like I think that wait what do you mean I don't know well don't Germans you can't bring it up anymore with them

yeah there's actually a lot of speech laws around Nazis now like if you do if you do a sick heil in public you go to jail yeah they're like Nazis

about being a Nazi so it's like saying bomb in an airport yeah basically if you wear if you wear like a Nazi uniform they'll like lock you in prison

I mean but their prisons are like we gave you a three bedroom house you know yeah so how come every year on halloween there's a guy that just like he has to get fired for like dressing up like hitler and going into a bar in like greenwich village yeah there was that guy did you see that this year yeah every year there's one of those guys and they're always like people are yelling he's like what yeah it's halloween he's just like dude it's gonna be like a jerry mcguire moment it's very funny to be like it's the holidays guys and i love every every year there's still

i saw this halloween there was a kid who dressed up a white kid who dressed up like michael jordan and he just has fucking just grease all over his face and he's holding a basketball oh no and you're like what are you doing god god listen what are you jimmy kimmel we have to thank jimmy kimmel and sarah silverman for that yeah i remember one time trump to go to go back to that i remember trump it was like during her that hurricane that just destroyed Florida. Some dumb country. Some dumb state. Country.

Yeah, some dumb. I treat it like a country with all those hicks down there. Is this a hurricane or a tornado you're talking about? It was a hurricane. Hurricane fucked up at Applebee's. Yeah, hurricane. Yeah. Knocked down the Dave and Buster's in Tampa.

And Trump tweeted something. And it was actually just him tweeting. He's like, hey, everybody you know with the hurricane stay safe out there and somebody's and like the response is like why don't you shut the fuck up sometimes it's like he's wishing no no matter what it was like that yeah yeah

I mean yeah you know that's why I'm voting for him again you think he'll uh I don't know his speech was pretty he didn't have much energy in that speech I don't think he'll, I don't know, his speech was pretty, he didn't have much energy in that speech. I don't think he has his fastball anymore.

Well, I think he does. I think he was like pretending, like he was pretending that that was, he was being like sophisticated in that speech because he wasn't really going off the cuff.

Well, I don't know about that. He said in the speech he wanted to put all drug dealers, the death penalty. Well, that's crazy. Yeah. But he was just reading. Oh, that was prepared? That was like his crazy. Yeah. But he was just reading.

Oh, that was prepared? That was like his policy. He's going to turn into the president of the Philippines. Apparently, his new platform is like, we're going to kill anybody that steals, like anybody that sells drugs, shoot them dead. Yeah, it's going to become like North Korea or something. Yeah, he's like turning into like Bolsonaro, like the Brazilian president.

Yeah, he's a full judge threat. He'll turn around on that, too. that was odd though that was a weird i'm just happy he's running so we have something to finally talk about on the show me too folks you've turned into it would be funny if like lemon party is the biggest anti-trump podcast on the comedy circuit yeah they tune in every week to lemon party they really give it to donald j trump give it to him it's just antifa guys being like you got to check out the lemon party they really they really stick it to them they really stick just uh uh what's her name who's the lady who's active on twitter is it marissa tomei who's the lady marissa tomei

man jesus is she no who's the lady who's active on Twitter with the blue check? You do reference stuff like I'm doing a podcast with a dad. It's amazing how out of touch Ben is. It is incredible. He's like, yeah, who's that lady who works down at the bank? And I'm like, your bank? I don't go to your bank. Ben's like writing a book. He's like, we went to the moon.

Who's up? What are you talking about? What were we talking about? You said Marissa Tomei was big on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. But why did I bring that up? I don't know. Anyway, one of those blue check people like start loving Lemon Party because we just really

take the piss out of Trump. Yeah, yeah. That would be great. That would be awesome if we had Jeff Tidrick and all those guys. If Sarah Cooper started. God, can you imagine that? It'd be great. If Tiedrich loved us.

If we got the blue checks behind us, there's no limits to growth as some economist does. I don't really think they support podcasts. Who? The blue checks who the blue checks they want you to get a job in a writer's room and then like paralyze your your talent they like team coco yeah they like the team coco network yeah well who doesn't i mean i love conan and uh you know andy richter could he could reply to my girlfriend any day wait did he do that no but i know he wants to there's a program where and all andy richter does is reply yeah he tweets about depression and just wants to get laid but doesn't once a day there's like a like an attractive girl that's like andy richter's

following me i think i'm like oh my god i'm like a comedy legend already well there was that girl there was like that female comic that like she sent screenshots from jim gaff again was messaging her yeah and she was like she's like i was shocked i thought jim gaff i thought comedy legend jim gaffin wanted to talk to me 23 year old comedian with 40 followers. And then he's just like talking to her. He's like, hey, you know, if you want to like, you know, maybe get a drink sometime or something. She's like, oh my God.

Can't believe the hot. It's always amazing when women get to act like they're like shocked by, how come this guy's hitting me up? I mean, I've never posted any of my work or shown anything to the world but i must be great yeah i was shocked that this mega famous person wanted to try and have sex with me a hot young woman it doesn't make sense in his defense he's probably just needed a babysitter yeah that's probably sure he's got a bunch of kids he's got like damn near nine kids hey he needs to fucking wrap it up jim yeah Yeah, stop being Catholic. Stop fucking doing cream pies all the damn time.

Hey, you know what I say. More kids, more voters. That's right. We're making, Devin, we're making little voters. Little voters. I don't even call them kids. I call them little voters. Wait, but Devin, aren't we for abortion? What's going on here?

Oh, fuck. We're aborting voters. Fuck voters fuck devin we can't abort the dibs i am you're right i am for abortion but uh they've um i don't see little children i see little voters look at those little voters playing on the seesaw one day they will be able to to vote for uh uh jill uh jennifer biden who who's the daughter who is she who cares i don't know who knows one day one day one day my children will spend half their lives devoting it to fake things yeah one day my child i hope one day my child can elect willow smith the first black celebrity child president can you imagine giving a shit about a political candidate yeah these people that actually care where they like can you imagine oh

it's just a sign that your wife is just completely shattered it's unbelievable just has no meaning and you have to search for like just root for the lakers or something. You're so sad. It's more dignified to care about a sports team. The Lakers stand for something, at least. At least it happens. That's true. At least we don't know what's going to happen. There's points and stuff.

And at least it's not written. Yeah, and also if the Lakers lose 60 games, you can be like, they suck. Exactly. yeah and also like if the lakers like lose 60 games you could be like they suck exactly it's not like kamala harris giving a speech about like nobody should be in jail for weed and it's like well you sent yeah yeah yeah you sent howard college to jail what are you talking about yeah she just went to uh the pickup game with some handcuffs yeah and she's every day lock them up lock them up. Lock them up. I think she sent like 3,000 black people to jail for possession. And like half of them are just using incense.

She's like locking away a Bob Marley flag. 20 years for you. Yeah. They've got spice get him just driving through the venice boardwalk with a tank like she put in the cheat code and gta yeah he's wearing a tally t-shirt lock him up it's crazy that she is worse at talking than joe biden i know yeah they have to like walk her up. What is her deal? What is wrong with her?

I think she's... Is she black or is she Indian? What's her deal again? She's black. She's Puerto Rican? She's half black, yeah. But I think she pretended to be Indian at one point. Probably.

Sure, they all do. I think she tried to pretend Kamala was an Indian name. You're thinking of Justin Trudeau. Oh, yeah. His Halloween outfit. No, that... Have you ever seen pictures of him going to india no he's dressed like he's in aladdin yeah it's great and he's literally walking around doing the hands the whole time and like bowing at people justin trudeau he somebody else pointed this out but he loves blackface so much in those blackface pictures

He does his legs In blackface like up to his Fucking knees that's how he That's how much he gets into it He does blackface Like ankle Oh dude I'm he's like well maybe a pickup game Will break out

Dude I'm not retarded So she actually said she was Indian I'm not retarded so she actually said she was retarded i'm not retarded keep telling yourself all right sure i thought i was having another ben moment here you're right actually i heard this lo and behold she's asian american oh really oh really uh fact check is that why she hates black people so much? Kamala Harris. She keeps telling them to get out of her store. Yeah, Kamala Harris killed Latasha Harling. Kamala Harris is the first black woman and also Asian American on a major presidential ticket in the U.S. She is the daughter to late Shyamala Gopalan who is Indian American and Donald Harris

who is Jamaican American. So what is she? Jamaican. I like that. So she's a little bit of the ganja. Huh? Miss Harris. So she's Indian and Jamaican. She's Indian. She's Jamaican. But she's also half white. Probably Rastafarian too.

All right. If she had her druthers. She's half white though tooastafarian too all right if she had her druthers she's she's half white though too right oh she's she's everything devin he's everything she's got it all all right let's get her all right how do how do we get her now i don't know does something happen now she's bulletproof she's she's she has uh who's gonna go tell her we got her she's so diverse she doesn't have to complete a coherent sentence as vice president. A SWAT team breaks into Kamala Harris' home. They're like, they caught you on a podcast.

Yeah. They got you, Ms. Harris. They got you. Lay down. Lay down. Put your hands behind your back. The Secret Service breaks in. Ms. Harris, you've been owned.

You've been owned online. You've been terribly owned by the Lemon Party show. Yeah. Just bursting through the wall. Oh, man. Yeah, she's both black and Indian American. Wow. How about that? Yeah, she must be really good at cooking.

There's a lot of spice. Her spice rack must be this big. Those are two of my favorite foods. Is Indian and black? Yeah. Jamaican food. Oh. You're in her house.

You're like, what? I think it meant soul food. You're in Kamala Harris' house. You're like, is this where the linens are? You open a basket, it's full of cobras. Yep. That's definitely her race. Yep.

Well, that's what she is. Which is good. I don't care what anyone is. I just wish she was a better candidate. I just wish she was better at her job. I think she's great at her job. I always feel like she's lying. Devin, look out there on the playground, Devin.

Look at all the little voters. Look at those little voters running around. It's the guy that that's having kids to vote Man would you look at them Those little voters Those little voters I can't wait for them to vote for a candidate That'll let Nestle buy all of their water

I can't wait for them to die In an apocalypse Every party let happen. It is going to roll when we're like 60 and the world is like legitimately. Yeah. And people are voting whether or not just to melt all the ice caps in one day. Just get it the fuck over with. Yeah. Yeah.

People just fire a ray gun at the last ice cap and just flood this whole damn thing. It will be like 2049 and there's a bill like, should we melt the ice caps? And it's like, well, it failed 99%. Yeah. The president fucking kills the last polar bear and cuts its heart out, throws it down a pyramid. We're all

at the bottom like, yeah! Yeah, throws its heart down a ziggurat. And then there's a big eclipse and we all we all start killing each other oh no dude it's gonna roll i am yeah because when we're 60 you know who's not going to be alive anymore is elmo musk and the cheeto. They will all be gone. Elmo must. They'll all be gone and we'll be fighting for meat

out in the desert. Yeah, you know like those Jeff Tiedrich guys will be like in Mad Max like chained to the front of a car being like, hey, at least we got rid of Cheeto and the Elmo.

Yeah, Jeff Tiedrich is, he's a guitarist slave that's attached to the front of a war machine. Just like, as we all go to battle in the Sahara Desert. Like, at least we got rid of Elmo. He's got, we got him. I love to own Elon Musk by tweeting the word Elmo at him. Yeah.

That's the biggest own i could possibly think of yeah because i'm nine and i'm thinking of insults yeah yeah you're those guys like literally you're drinking a root beer yeah those guys will literally like elon will tweet something and they'll respond to him like well i am rubber and you are glue how good of friends is elon with the lex lex friedman i don't know they seem to be i think robot guys you know not many of them out there so they tend to stick together right it's like uh it's like nambla or anything else you're just sort of a marginalized group so you you know you lock all your you lock arms across america yeah i don't i don't. I don't care about robots.

It's just, if you're going to make a robot, I don't know, you could do a lot of bad there with the robots. You could... I mean, I'm fine with making a robot if it's just going to be like a dog robot or something like that. No, those are more terrifying. You ever seen those dog robots that they have? That deliver food? Yeah, the Boston Dynamics ones. Yeah, it's like that fucking Black Mirror those are more terrifying. You ever seen those dog robots that they have? That deliver food?

Yeah, the Boston Dynamics ones. Yeah, it's like that fucking Black Mirror episode. They're impossible to stop. The little dogs that just run around? Yeah, it's like a little mini robot Anton Chigurh. Just chasing you to blow your head off. Yeah, yeah. And then Boston Dynamics will just tweet,

it's like, hey, this will kill you one day. But don't worry, we're hitting it with hockey sticks sticks we just watch all these nice videos on our future killers we're like that's an amazing technology i hope i hope it's nice and quick when it kills me i'm fully expecting boston dynamics to tweet a video they've taught a robot to like fire a gun or something or like use a sword well i guess robots will be the cops one day i saw this uh movie have you ever heard of it's called robocop folks have you seen this i i turned on the tv the other day in this movie i go is that robot a cop and then uh in credits roll turns out the movie's called robocop short for robotic cop I have a stroke I just have a stroke

we just finished the pod by the way speaking of people that say have you seen this have you heard about this Jay Leno is horribly disfigured now that's right which has kind of been making me laugh a lot and I feel bad but it is very funny to think about how fucked up is he

they're just kind of been making me laugh a lot and i feel bad but it is very funny to think about busy he's he's they're just patching denim to his face he's like just make just make the whole damn thing denim he's like make me a blue jean baby turn me into an old fire truck i am waiting like one day to just be walking down Melrose and he's just like driving a house. I saw him. I guess everything he owns is on wheels somehow. When I was a kid coming home from school, I saw him on the five freeway with my mom. He was driving a old fire truck.

It was an old fire truck too and he was like just alone on the front of the car like it was a boat. And we like honked and he waved and shit. And then he crashed and burned. And you're like, anyway, you're gonna need that fire truck one day. Keep it nearby, Jay. How did that happen?

What happened? That car like burst into flames while he was like working on it apparently. Oh, Jesus Christ. How does that happen by the way? You try to tell it a monologue joke and the car exploded.

The car's like, this sucks. So is he going to look like that half-face guy from Boardwalk Empire now? Like Jay Leno? What is going on? I was going to say he probably, because he's such an old-timey guy, would get the ceramic half-face. With the ceramic? With the, like Richard, what is it?

Richard Park? Not Richard Parker. Whatever the guy's fucking name is. He'd basically be like MF Doom. Yeah. But he's going to be like, hey doom yeah but he's gonna be hey hey yeah Jay Leno has been turned into dead mouse

check one one two hey guys so I'm editing the episode right now the last 15 minutes of this episode from right here stopped making any sense at all. I hadn't really ate food. Usually I eat nachos before we record. I hadn't had any food. This was our second episode we did.

Upon listening back to it, I have no idea what I was saying or what was going on. Devin and Jace thought I had relapsed or something and I was pouring whiskey in my Zevia creamy root beer, but I assured them I hadn't. After the episode, I walked it off. I had some sunflower seeds or drank some water and then I was right as rain. And we recorded another 40 minutes, which will be the rest of the episode. So my apologies for that, folks. But enjoy the rest of the episode. May I offer you some advice? Yeah.

Start smoking cigarettes. Are we on that? Devin, let's go. We're rolling. Yeah. Devin, I want you to go out right now. Go get Jace a carton. A carton of cigarettes I need

him to start lucky strike we need this podcast to be funny damn it I can't have him being sad I mean do you know how much more money we'd be making if we all started if you guys started drinking with me yeah we just went raw I'm willing to do that as a Patreon goal I will relapse on the show live on the show if we get to a certain number you'll throw it how much well I already put the which J-Sat was very funny I put the Patreon goal at $100,000 a month yeah for the Tesla we'll get the

Cybertruck and put the decal of the Lemon Party guys on the side and turn the inside of the Cybertruck into a the decal of the Lemon Party guys on the side and turn the inside of the Cybertruck into a podcast studio. On top of this, my promise to you, the listener at home, I will also be insanely hammered. I will relapse and I will drunk drive the Cybertruck

across LA while podcasting. Across all of LA County. Guys, this will be our OJ Simpson moment where the helicopters are following us or three white guys are podcasting they're going down they're going down the 110 be the oj simpson case but everyone is no one is rooting for us people are on the 405 holding up signs that says kill yourself then pull over stopped you stop stop you know what's funny is that when ben posted that as the goal for the tesla thing

a sick selfish part of me was like so what are you saying if there's ever a day in the future where we're making a hundred grand a month we have to give that up for a stupid fucking gag oh it would be my money i also i'm in line to get a cyber truck you're in line are you actually going to get one of those they look like shit this thing isn't rolling but the backup record is rolling so whatever we shouldn't be talking about

our money the computer just shuts off yeah sorry what was your question though I didn't ask a question oh I thought you asked me a question you said you're in line for a cyber truck no I said like I said when you posted the goal of $100,000 and we get a Cybertruck. In my mind, I'm like, well, that's $100,000 that we need. I don't give a shit about the gag that we lied to these people about two years ago.

Yeah, I know, because we're both legitimately insane. Because we're insane. Literally, I saw that and I was like, Ben, we are not putting putting a hundred grand into a goddamn like i'm acting like we have it i know i can't even fathom that type of money if i had that type of money dude oh my god i would like i'd like buy a bunch of cars and park them illegally by the way i a Cybertruck is like 50 grand by the way. Yeah, I mean that's fucking pocket change for us, dude. That being said, it also doesn't exist.

So we're doing a hypothetical Patreon goal for a thing that may not ever exist. Yeah, what is this fucking guy gonna put it out? He always talks about this Cybertruck and he never puts it out. Oh yeah, a Cybertruck is $40,000. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I'll fucking get one now if it existed. Yeah, I'm in line for one, whatever that means.

I put $100 down. Ben, are you going to just own Teslas the rest of your life? No. But the Cybertruck seems insanely, insanely cool. Yeah. It looks like the Halo car. And if you drive it, you suck. It looks like a car meant to run over refugees in.

What I like about the Cybertruck is you can let everyone in your life know you're completely past help. Yeah. And totally worthless. Yeah. And you have zero concept of design or aesthetic. Taste. Good will from the public.

Imagine my Cybertruck pulling up to your house. Door opens and just a long, tan, khaki leg comes out with some Monarchs and some tube socks. You're driving a Cybertruck? You look up and I have the Morpheus sunglasses on.

My hair is slicked back. I'm balding. A 40 falls out of the car. Crashes on the ground. Devin, let's pod. 150,000. Patreon gets up to 150,000. You fucking, you do like hard drugs with me.

Like odd air. Yeah, we'll all shoot up heroin. We will have a special episode where we shoot heroin. yeah we'll all shoot up heroin we will have a special episode where we shoot heroin i had an idea i because i love the uh the extremes right is building something and then uh letting it all crumble yeah like uh louis once tweeted i remember when he used to be on twitter which he was great it made him laugh to think of losing every single follower being so bad at twitter every single person unfollowed him he went down to zero you get unfollowed by like the egg profile picture guys

yeah yeah from back in the day i've wanted to do a video for lemon party where we do like a stand-up comedy show and the goal is for me to try and see if i can walk every single person in a sold-out venue like we sell like 400 tickets and i try to see if i can do such bad stand-up everyone leaves and bonus points if people throw garbage at me man that'd be good which i've never seen someone do i've never seen someone throw garbage at a community no honestly comedy club should there should be a two drink minimum and they should give you tomatoes they hand out garbage yeah they lock your cell phone away and then just hand you a fishbone I think the guy who threw that beer at that comic is a hero I think he's a great guy

yeah we all had to like care about the comics response like oh in the moment it was really witty I'm like fucking the guy should have thrown more beers they should have all thrown them at once everyone should have thrown one 80 beers just hit her entire body and she dies like she's getting shot and sunny and uh fucking bonnie and clyde she's sunny at the toll booth yeah they keep her body at a casino this is riddled with bullets

like hangs from the fucking ceiling i've always when we were doing like shitty open mics together somebody would be bombing on stage and i would i would just get this mental picture in my head over and over and then being like them just going like and then you know the homeless guy walked away and then just a harpoon comes out of the darkness spears him through the chest and just like goes into the wall and just like vibrates the classic brick wall yes classic brick wall the shitty brick wall they get skewered into it and then they just die in front of all of us yeah yeah guys that would bring me a lot of peace i used to want to like throw molotov cocktails inside open mics there were certain open mics like i had my eye on i'm like one day if they piss me off enough i'm gonna fucking yeah you're gonna grenade this place

you're gonna pull an inglorious bastards you just go on stage and i open my jacket up and full of tnt yeah you just go i killed and then just a bunch of thermite just yeah in the moment between you saying a lot of akbar and you exploding you get booked on something somebody goes we want to give you a writing And then boom I love to watch the Hasan Minhaj Patriot Act show Yeah sure Can you still find that I'm doing a bit obviously

No I do too No I love it too I love that show Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj I love it more Unbelievable I love you so much I love Patriot Act Yeah you good. I love it more. Unbelievable, Ben. I love you so much. I love Patriot Act.

Yeah, I would love if that kept going. You guys are butt-fucking each other. I love it so much. I love it. Wait a second. I love Lilly Singh. Lilly Singh shows even better. What happened to Ass to Ass with a dildo?

Assaminaj, he's at like a science fair right now, right? Yeah, he got lost in a Wolfgang store. Golfwang. Golfwang. Wolfgang. Wolfgang. That's what it's supposed to be. Yeah, it's backwards. I like watching

Patriot Act, though. I love watching reruns of him doing topical jokes because I'm insane. Yeah, yeah. I'm completely and totally insane. Oh, you watched like topical like seven months ago? Like whatever he was doing? Well, I think his show was like three years ago.

I don't know if people know what I'm talking about. Did his show end? Yeah, yeah. It got canceled like immediately. It got canceled a long time ago. Fuck, what? What have I been watching? You've just been at the convenience store.

you've just been at the convenience store the show got cancelled while it was being uploaded to Netflix like they cancelled it like so fast and it's cancelled but what's great is you can watch it with the sound off and he's just it's fun to just watch his hands yeah it's like yeah hall of

presidents like stand-up comedy yeah yeah it's great it's like an animatronic guy you can always tell a guy is really bad at comedy when you if you mute it and it's like is this guy doing karate it's the it's the it's the uh the never got pussy gestures yeah i never got pussy yeah unlike me see how my hands are they're in my pockets you know why they're in my pockets that's where all the pussy is yeah because you're jacking off through a through a hole you cut in your jeans i love to make jokes about guys you don't get any pussy as if i'm the the pussy guy yeah you're the big you're the big pussy getter. Yeah.

You're just practicing day game all day. I'm a pussy hound. Yeah. I'm barking up the pussy tree. Did you ever have a period of dating where you were doing stuff like that? You were with Katie pretty young. So you didn't really have to struggle out here. You didn't date LA women.

I actually don't know what it's like to be online with dating yeah i i pretty much yeah because i i didn't like because we were so christian i didn't really have like sex until i was like 23 or something and then i dated my my bitch bitch ex-girlfriend and then i broke up with her at like 25 and yeah i was out here i did go through like kind of like a himbo phase like i was a real slut for a period of time i feel like you were pretty good at the online dating though you would just rack up the well i'm going on another date tonight i was tall i'm funny you know i i kind of like remind everybody of their dad so like i'm just gonna get pussy for that yeah you know large penis. Yeah, exactly. We should let the patron people know now. Um,

that was this Patreon. That'll be the, I don't, I don't know, dude, I'm fucking my, I don't know what we're doing, but all I know is we're starting from a minute ago.

If we put this in, go on Jace. No, uh, fucking, uh, God damn it. Um, dating in LA, dating in LA, dating in LA. Go on, Jace. No, fucking... God damn it.

Dating in LA. Dating in LA. Dating in LA. Be weird. It'd be weird. It is weird. Dating would be weird sometimes, let me tell you. No, but yeah, I'd be funny, and I did get laid a lot, but it's just very vapid and sad. Yeah, it's super sad.

And my biggest issue was that I would only... There were so many dates that I got off tinder and these websites and then it would be like they're in like van eyes or something and i'd be i'd have already worked so hard to set up the date sure and get them and then when it would happen i'd be like i'm not going to i wouldn't go just to have a terrible conversation. I was such a shallow idiot. The only ones I would ever go on is if they were amazing looking.

And then I'd go and I never bagged them. I never got them. No, yeah, yeah. I would just spend a bunch of money and then they'd be like, take me home. And I'd just take them home. It was socked ass, dude. I remember this one girl I took.

I think it was this black chick. She worked at a hooters she was like a model she was wow really pretty really jesus but that was the whole thing i just did it because i was a fat kid and i was like yeah like yeah bitch like yeah i got you to go to dinner right you were acting like you already fucked i already fucked in my mind i'm, I already got this. I can't even believe you're here. In my mind, I'm like, I'm a retard. I'm like, you're an idiot. You know how stupid I am? You know how much I suck ass?

You know how much the pure hate I have for myself running through my body? I'd look at her across the table and go, you know all I'm thinking about is going home and smoking weed and jacking off to the memory of this? Do you realize that? Unbelievable. Anyway, get what you want.

Get the wings. I'm going to go home smoke weed and listen to Cyphers on YouTube. Dude, I literally... Battle rap, ever heard of it? Retard, loser. Yeah, that's you completely blowing it out the gate. Yeah, I'm like, hey, listen,

this date's going well. I'd fuck you, but Pat's day has got a big battle tonight. Dude, I thought you were going to say as a fat you, but Pat's day has got a big battle tonight. Dude, I thought you were going to say like as a fat kid, you only dated her for like free wings.

You're like, oh, she works at Hooters? That's awesome. I get a discount. Well, you want to know how fucked up it was?

You just smell like shit walking in Hooters. One time when I took this, I took this model to a diner one time. Nice diner though. It was like a hipster diner. She got the nachos, right?

Her order was deranged. She was like a serial killer killer she like got everything taken off the nachos but the chicken and the cheese it was just chicken and cheese on tortilla chips and she barely ate any of it and then i knew she thought i sucked because she was like i got the itis and then i was like oh what's that she goes the itis it's i'm tired like and i was like okay and, what's that? She goes, the itis. I'm tired. And I was like, okay. And so then I drove her home. But before then, I made them pack up all of her extra nachos. Because I was like, this is like $17 nachos.

So then I took them. And then I was confused why she didn't think I was cool. When I took her food. Yeah, you packed it up in a bind i put it in my trunk so she couldn't even have a chance at taking it from like the back seat you're like i know i know your games i would love if you put in the back seat and she went to reach for you like no no no no no no. Who signed that check at the end of the night? Just completely. There is a freedom in that. Like when you would go on a date, sometimes they'd be going so terribly.

You'd be like, I don't even care if I get laid. Yeah, I didn't care anymore. Yeah. And then you just completely check out and the date ends with you like just wordlessly driving them back to their place. Yeah. And just be like, well, we'll never talk again. Exactly.

It was this era of my life where the whole thing to me was like I walked into the restaurant with her and then i would just go home and like jack off to the thought of that i'd be like damn they all thought i was fucking like she was hot i didn't fuck her she didn't let me touch her she blew a rape whistle when i when i let her out of the car but you know you're checking off to the possibility yeah yeah. People saw it. Sure. Sure. I was like, people saw that. Okay. I don't even know.

If I was online dating. You never dated, dude. That's crazy. If I was online dating, I would go, I'd be like, hey, you want to come over to my place? Maybe we'll go on the internet together. Yeah. Hey, this is getting pretty uh spicy here in the tinder chat how about we roll over to a a twitter dm yeah like let's make this official you're like this is obviously heating up how about you me back to my place some joey's world tour

she's like i don't know if i'm ready for that yet i'm you know i'm a good girl you know i'm a christian girl I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. You know, I'm a Christian girl. I don't know if I can do that. She comes over. I have a fire going. I pop a bottle of champagne. And then I just hit a button. And an 80-inch TV just slides up out of the mantle.

And it's just Joey's just eating a four-foot-long hot dog in his car. You're like, I'm going to go slip into something more comfortable. And you come out in a full kimono. With a little rice hat. Yeah, with geisha makeup on. You're pouring whiskey in like a Coke Icy. Yeah. I don't want to brag, but I have a slurping machine.

I stole it. I stole the slurping machine from 7-Eleven. Don't want to brag, but I have a slurping machine. I stole it. I stole the slurping machine from 7-Eleven. Don't want to brag. Yeah. I put Four Loko in the slurping machine, so we could come over. Oh, God. I would suck ass at relating to women. What were you saying, Jace?

Well, the weird thing with dating in LA is also you'd run into, like, you'd go on a day with somebody. You guys would, like, connect immensely. Yeah. Like, talk for yeah like talk for like go on five dates like fuck each other three times and then she'd just be like all right i gotta get the hell out of here and people would just leave because it's like la like they just don't want to be there anymore yeah you know you would have sex with a woman three times back to back sometimes wow yeah that's another thing i don't know what that's about people everyone I know, like a lot of guys I know

that like we fucked all night or like three times. I'm like, I mean, it was like two minutes. I went home. I fucking watched Kobe highlights. No, I don't want to get crass or anything. It didn't satisfy anybody.

Not to be. It was for me. Have you heard? I'm dating for me. I'm not dating. You talk about how long I lasted for her. She'm not dating. It's mine. Talk about how long I lasted for her. She's a stranger, for Christ's sake. I hate her.

Yeah, but I also, like, when somebody says that, like, well, we fucked three times. It's like over the course of five hours. It's not like I'm running wind sprints, you know? Right. I just come. I'm like, all right, okay, all right. Again. You know?

Yeah, yeah, I get it. It's like, you're in, it's like Intuit days. Yeah. It's just an all day activity. Yeah, yeah. get it it's like uh you're in it's like in two days yeah it's just an all-day activity yeah yeah i go fuck i go home i eat a big grilled cheese sandwich and pop tarts you go back out to the field house i go back out i take a salt lick yeah yeah yeah and then an old man yells at me while i'm trying to just pummel the shit out of a woman two days for fucking is is very funny as an idea yeah just just a fattish shit dipshit coach with a whistle just be like avery you call that eating pussy you're so loopy

bet on four cups of coffee it's like a drunk person you just spit You bet on four cups of coffee. It's like a drunk person. He just spit. Avery, you call that check it off? Avery, you can't go straight to the clit. It's too sensitive, boy. You got to kiss up and down your thighs.

Look at this. I don't want to have you do up-downs until you learn the art of foreplay, son. He's making you dress up, he's making you... You dress up like that police officer. You get into character. He's making me fuck a woman really well. He understands how to have sex with a woman. He's blowing the whistle and making your ass do thrusts. Yeah, he's like, don't go up and down.

You go down and then this way. Perpendicular. Gotta hit that ball in the back, boy. But it is in the bit. It's still 115 degrees in West Texas and it's outside and you're completely naked. Yeah, it's a hot summer day. Some old people are coming by to watch from the community. Just gonna be like, this is gonna be a great year.

I think they're gonna fuck the shit out of some ladies this year. We might go to state. this is going to be a great year. I think they're going to fuck the shit out of some ladies this year. We might go to state. The coach gets down on one knee with a pocket pussy and just holding it. He's like, put it in. Hit it. He's just blowing the whistle with each pump. Just holding the pocket pussy. Yeah, yeah.

Holding up play calls. God damn it, Hunter. Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. God damn it. Yeah. Man, that's crazy, yeah. Holding up play calls. God damn it, Hunter. Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. Damn it. Yeah. Man, that's crazy.

Ben never dated. No, I never. Well, I mean, it's amazing. It's good. Good for you. He's fond of the ladies. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, because you're gay. Couldn't talk to them. Yeah. I love ladies. You know what my favorite type of lady was? What? The ones with big cocks on them.

Okay, sorry. This episode is going out as the main, though. This episode's going out as the main. I'll be damned. We're going to do it somehow. Ben sneaking whiskey

into his zinnias. Woo! Yeah yeah I could never I mean could you imagine me with anyone other than my sweet sweet wonderful wife I'd love to imagine me with a regular like just like a person like a classic

just fucking LA retard girl oh my god who's just constantly calling the police on me oh god imagine you just like having to like pretend to like care about like biden are you having to like go to a brunch with friends thing and just sit there and just like they're just being like i don't i think he's a piece of shit and you're just like in the you're just like watching joey's world tour on your iPhone, like trying to hide it under the table.

People are like, what are those smacking noises? I'm watching mukbangs. Yeah, you're watching mukbangs at dinner. Yeah, you're hanging out with your L.A. wife's rich gay friends, and you're trying to watch live leak videos in the bathroom. I'm like a kid i have like big bluetooth headphones on like over the year like dr dre beat headphones on with an ipad you're not a part of the lunch you're sitting on the couch the whole time they're like hey buddy

what's going on big man yeah Joey went to the no it's it's ISIS they caught this reporter and they're gonna cut his head off no but you don't get it Nick Akata I'm ironically watching Nick Akata he's a fucking

fat retard I'm smart I'm smart I'm smart yeah they're like oh he's excited alright give him

the nerds rope to calm him down they give you nerds rope like it's catnip you just lay on your back and hit it out of your hands dude i've had nightmares before where like god forbid anything happens to my wife i think i would just be a guy because isaac newton he never yeah he was a virgin he never he was a virgin he never wed yeah and i i don't think what a pussy i do i've kind of come to terms with him and whatever he did he invented calculus well i hated that in school so fuck him

yeah i'm glad he got no pussy good of course the guy that got no pussy made that shit up what what no pussy does to a motherfucker yeah what no pussy do to a motherfucker be crazy he also at one point he because back then like they did come up with like he invented calculus but they would also just fuck around and shit he at one point to test like what was inside your eye he just stuck a whole needle into his like a fucking three inch needle into his eyeball can you do that he was like kind of always blind in that eye oh shit yeah i don't know he was like david blaine what's interesting he couldn't get pussy because he was frozen in a block of ice that's what alchemists were is alchemists would devote their

life to finding some sort of concoction that would they prove immortality and they'd be like all right i think this is it i will drink this and then they would drink it and they would die immediately because it was like gold and fucking mercury yeah for every like guy who discovered penicillin there's a guy who's like what if i put a sword through my heart and then he did and they're like oh so that does kill you in fact yeah but it did what we all thought it would yeah i mean that was early like plane travel when they were trying to invent the airplane it's just people just people crashing and dying there was a guy who fucking he came up with he copied like da vinci's like um

bat costume like with the wings on it that you could just paraglide off of hypothetically and he put that on he went to the eiffel tower there's old footage of him he and he jumps off the eiffel tower he just dies really he doesn't fly at all he literally like starts flapping and then he just falls and his his body explodes but it's like 1910 so it's all fast and goofy that rocks yeah it's all like that guy used to do all of his stunts you were showing me him who the the big stunt actor in the in the silent buster buster keaton he's amazing he's like the first johnny knoxville no he was he was like amazing the stuff he did was almost more incredible. They showed that stunt where the side of a house fell and he's standing.

And it goes right through a little window. That's incredible. That's incredible. I think they were begging him. The whole crew was begging him not to do it. Buster. Yeah, they're like, Buster, please. That's how they talk.

They're all Joey. Our friend Joey. Listen, Buster. Buster, you can't stand in front of that house. Listen, it's a great idea for Nickelodeon, but you can't do that. Buster Keaton doing pranks. Yeah. Back then, doing prank shows like, I'm going to drink at a colored water fountain.

Yeah, I'm Buster Keaton. Welcome back to Busted. The only prank show in the 1920s. Buster Keaton on ridiculousness. Who's that stupid bitch that's on ridiculousness? Oh, is it Rob Dyrdek or whatever? No, the blonde. Her name's like Portia Cayenne 2.0 or some dumb shit.

She should be fucking shot with a cattle prop gun. Her name is a QR code. Oh, my name, it's this square. Scan it. Scan my name. What is that stupid bitch's name? God, I hate her. I'll look it up.

Yeah, please. Chanel West Coast. I got it. Is it really Chanel West Coast? Her name is Chanel West Coast, and she's about as smart as a cricket. And yeah, she's on Ridiculousness, and they're like, this is what people want.

They want her to comment on videos. Yeah, they want her to go like why that's like screwed up oh my god what is that that sucked why this is a a retard who should be like uh working at sharper image why is she that's too sophisticated are you kidding me she should work at sharper image sharper image is like massage chairs chairs and like little bowls of water that's your feet you have to explain the chair she can't yeah she can't do that yeah you got she should work at a fucking i mean uh she couldn't even work at a payless payless where from the looks of it none of the shoes no uh no one knows where the shoes go she's i'm like so i go to a payless i'm like so no one knows where the shoes go she's i'm like so i go to a payless i'm like so no one

knows where the shoes go right yeah just anywhere just anywhere it goes where they get in a shipment of shoes and the boys just yeah like it's fucking doc cow like just pick a pair just a pile of shoes she's yeah she's too dumb to be a prostitute oh no yeah do it yeah she got stolen from too many times yeah she's like oh fuck i just i didn't take the money on the counter right uh wait i paid him what yeah somebody would hand her a piece of paper that says $100 on it. She'd be like, thank you so much. Thank you for blowing my pussy out and paying me this dollars. Oh, fuck.

Ben, the new thumbnails are good. Thank you. I like them. Thank you. They're very undignified and they make it seem like if you click on it, it's just we're all hooked up to oxygen tanks. We're just like, welcome to Lemon Party. Which the most popular

stuff on YouTube is people on life support. You want to see someone plugged into a machine with mere moments to live. Terry Shivo would be huge on YouTube. Yeah. I mean, YouTube, it's literally like they just

wanted to tune into a fat guy being hit with whips or something. Just a guy about to die. Yeah, they just want obese Da Vinci codes. Back in the day, people loved Jughead or is Dagwood and Jughead or was dagwood a separate dagwood was from blondie dagwood was the guy who ate the big sandwiches so you had blondie

and jughead and stuff like that where people i think there was a guy in jughead who ate a bunch of hamburgers or maybe that's his name is jughead a jughead ate a bunch of hamburgers titular jughead regardless my point still stands. What point? Oh, I was about to make my point. You didn't make it yet. My point is, my point is back then, people loved the funnies

because they were really reading about like mukbangers. Now we have the real thing. It came Jughead and Dagwood and the hamburger guy. They all came to life. Yeah, there was the Wimpy from Popeye. Wimpy from Popeye?

Yeah, and he goes, I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that was Nick Acato is what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Everything that... You can't reinvent the wheel here. No. There's nothing... It's been around forever, folks. Sometimes I'm sitting in awe of these guys on YouTube.

Mm-hmm. Or I say, God damn, there's never been anything like this on the planet Earth. And then later I'm taking a shit and I'm reading Jughead. And I go, oh my God. Well, they had freak shows back in the day, too. It's just a new bearded woman on YouTube. It's just like, that's what Yankee in the South is just the newest. They would be riding around on a wagon in like the 1800s doing freak shows.

Yankee in the South is basically a two-headed cow in a jar from all the hype. It would just be Will opening up his stagecoach, being like, look at how retarded my wife is. Watch her stare directly into the sun for three minutes. Will's nose does look like the Ele man it does check it does it has all it has a life of its own his nose it's like an ecosystem his nose is sentient yeah it's like it's like rorschach's mass from the watchman just moving and changing it always goes back to muck bongers yeah that's really the theme of the podcast we finally found it it's

muck bongers you guys are welcome but even like you know you you like look at the old freak shows it's always funny they always had like the world's fattest man it'd be like a guy who weighs like 245 pounds right yeah it would just be like the world's fat it'd be like a picture of burke kreischer they're like oh my god oh my god i bet he has some funny stories to tell though which if you if you go to a farm back in those days there was plenty of food to eat but for whatever reason people didn't engorge themselves yeah because they wasn't like full of like basically like the fda's crack cocaine. But wouldn't it feel good to go through a couple of cows on a weekend? Yeah.

Just like I mean, but it's not the same chemicals that make you just completely overeat like food like we have now. Yeah. And I guess back then they had really, really great like moonshine and booze and tobacco. Yeah. They would just do they would drink like their medicine was heroin and shit. Yeah. And they just do, they would drink like their medicine was heroin and shit. Yeah. And they could date younger.

All right, folks. Well, yeah. Well, good. No, cause he had to get in quick.

Everyone was dying young. That's no dad. Devin. Now you make a great point. Biology forced people to be pedophiles back then. Basically. They're like, I don't want to do it,

but last one died at 15. I waited too long. Hey, we're all dying young. Sorry. Yeah. Dating, dating was like trying to eat a pear. You're like, I don't want to do it, but last one died at 15. I waited too long. Hey, we're all dying young. Sorry. Dating was like trying to eat a pear. You're like, this just

goes bad quick. In countries where life expectancy is very low, the age of consent should potentially be lower, though, depending on how low. That's the thing you

could say out loud. That's the thing you could campaign on. It could be argued because life is shorter, so you might as well hit the ground running. Yes, exactly. No, you're correct. You're correct. I have no problem with what you're saying. And I think some of these people that we know that are having these issues should maybe

just move to those countries. I think a lot of them take trips there. They do. Oh, they do. I have a friend who took a like he had to go on a work trip to thailand or at least that's what he claimed and he said the the trip the trip work trip to thailand yeah he was a lady boy yeah he had to go on a business trip um he he said the whole plane right there just every every single seat was full of the bad guy from Toy Story 2.

That's all what they looked like. Just bald, fat guys with goatees. Every person you look at is like, oh, you're about to just do wicked things. You mean the guy airbrushing Woody and stuff? Yeah, the guy who kidnaps Woody. Because I thought Zorg was the bad guy. Or Zurg.

Maybe the secondary bad guy in Toy Story 2. The antagonist, you mean yeah the contagionist thank you mr writer over here i've been reading a lot of joseph campbell lately uh jace was confused it's not the antagonist it's the contact i didn't even know that was i don't even know if anybody could follow the i say i didn't well jace now devon's confused yeah we're all we're all confused we're all confused this is becoming the same thing we just did is it is it no it's not it's fine now we're just what if i just piss myself right now i would really love it if it just turns out gracie broke the stove

somehow we're all dying from carbon monoxide the whole episode has felt like we have carbon monoxide poisoning Katie left the fireplace on in the living room maybe that's it we're all loopy as hell it would be funny if people watching the episode it just cuts to us all dead on the floor

and then they're like did Katie upload the episode I guess we just die it would be great to start a podcast with us all And then they're like, did Katie upload the episode, I guess? I don't know. We just die. It would be great to start a podcast with us all swinging from a rope. We're all, we hung ourselves. Yeah, check out the new app, everybody. That should actually be the Patreon goal.

If we get to a certain we don't kill ourselves just watch they just explode dude think of the movies they'd make about us if we actually got to a certain goal we said we'd kill ourselves and then we really do it

we get tons of documentaries about us I know it's just that we can't see them yeah it's a little problem with killing yourself you can't see it

you can't get any of the praise I would love to kill myself if I could just hear everybody i do it i would have done it last week if i could i would have done it fucking 10 years ago if i could see what people say yeah yeah and just see everybody that uh you know just blame themselves all we want is a big party for ourselves and to see people cry i know and be like oh they did care yeah wow man i fucked up their whole month. You guys aren't going to kill yourselves, right? No, never.

No, probably not. Because you're upsetting the dog. Yeah. Shut up. Gracie, stop. What the hell up? Oh, my God. God.

You got to get a handle on this. Keep going. I am. We just hear Ben hitting her in the background. Being around. Ben's just going to go get in a quickie. Just slide Gracie's fucking underwear down. Yes.

Fur underwear. It's the same as her fur. It looks the exact same nothing is revealed alright Gracie how you doing how was it oh hey Emma how are you doing Emma

hey babe hello hello little baby dog we're still good just 20 more minutes we're a minute 40 well we did 40 minutes of 40 absolute nonsense i think the people love it i do too yeah i think we're having a good time i honestly i'm honestly feeling a lot better about the whole thing me too. I don't even think we needed to do this. I don't either. We're just all crazy.

Yeah, I ate a bunch of sunflower seeds and now I feel sorry. Thank you.