lemonparty - 006: Lola and Bugs

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

Lola and Bugs | 006 lemonparty | daygame at disney more audio/video episodes on the private feed: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty sponsor: https://betterhelp.com/lemon for 10% off ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q lemonparty podcast, lemon party podcast, ben avery's podcast #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My mic's all hairy, man. Are you even, like, fingering one of the dogs with this? Okay, I think I'm recording. Oh, oh, hairy, Ben. Are you even fingering one of the dogs with this? Okay, I think I'm recording. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Oh, shit. Okay, I shouldn't have said that. It doesn't fit the rest of our... What was I thinking? It doesn't fit our oeuvre.

The idea of... Go ahead. The idea of... No, take your time. No, it's fine. It's only your show. Keep running around. We're real dicks about it. Yeah. No, no, no, take your time. No, it's fine. It's only your show. Keep running around. We're real dicks about it.

Yeah. No, no, no, it's fine. Set up the entire show that you run. No, it's fine. It's fine. Thanks for changing my life overnight. It's fine. Oh, Mr. Big Shot over here, filming the entire show and recording it.

Something we don't know how to do. Thanks for doing upwards of 17 things I have no clue how to do every week. Well, Devin actually produces his own show. I do. Which now doesn't exist. It's banned on YouTube now for three months. Hate Watch. Check out Hate Watch when we're back.

Because you guys had Kanye on to do some puppet skits. Yeah, he brought his net and a few words, a few choice words. All we did was watch clips of Kanye and it's hate speech. Whatever. What are you going to do?

We'll have a new channel soon. What was he saying in the clips? Just like about how he loves Jews. I'm not going to get this channel banned. You're giving the thumbs up? Kanye, we just watched a bunch of clips about how much he loves juice. You guys watch like 808 and Heartbreaks, like behind the scenes interviews with like him and Spike Jonze and stuff?

Yeah. Yeah. It was like behind the scenes shit. My beautiful dark twisted final solution. Yeah. When he turns to Kid Cudi and he goes, I mean, the pyramids were just a modern architectural achievement. And then he just goes, I love them. Oh, God.

Well, at least now we have a sequel to Black Skinhead, the song. Right. White Skinhead? White Skinhead. Just Skinhead. Just Skinhead. Yeah. Yeah.

What was your line about him if katrina happened again oh that like nowadays he would be next to mike myers going like i hate black people george bush cares too much about black because george bush likes black people too much i just like that he was doing like carrot top bits like he had he had a trunk full of props yeah gallagher lives yeah he's in a big watermelon with a hammer you're on your way to vegas you see like billboards of kanye with like puppets they all have like unusually large noses he goes you see the strings of the puppet represent um black america he's as a ventriloquist he's cheating because he has a ski mask on it's much easier yeah so he's tricking a lot of people

where they're going is the net really saying all those racist things right who knows if that's him who doesn't know if that's him i wonder if in court you could get away with that it could be mf doom could you say it was anybody it could be mf that's right? I wonder if in court you could get away with that. It could be MF Doom. Could you say it was anybody? It could be MF Doom. That's right. MF Doom faked his death to be racist as Kanye. MF Doom's whole family's like, what? Don't bring us into this shit.

The man died 19 years ago secretly. Dude, it's also, it wasn't even a ski mask. It's a gimp mask. It's like a Pulp Fiction dominatrix. That's a masochist. It's like a Pulp Fiction dominatrix. Really? That's a masochist. Did it have a zipper? Yeah, it's one of those that in creepy movies

where somebody's about to get killed, those are odd. Kanye's going into Alex Jones with the toilet fucking mask. With the toilet seat built into it. Smeared in shit. And then Jalen Brown goes, he has something to say. Oh oh would jalen cut it out why why does he keep tweeting well i think he's repped by kanye's sports company right yeah yeah well he'll he'll see how that goes i mean they're really there i feel like people are upset at kanye because i'm an empath i can sense that people don't like i just have a feeling right now you're Really, I feel like people are upset at Kanye.

Because I'm an empath, I can sense that people don't like that. Yeah, I just have a feeling right now. You're an ENP, TH, what is it? Yeah, I'm an ENFP. Jason's an ENFP, so the Kanye thing's really affected him. Is that that test shit that you take? Yeah, the Myers-Briggs. Yeah, I took that or something. I was adventurous.

Meanwhile, I've never left Glendale, but they think I'm a big fan of adventure. It's wrong. It's a wrong guess. Yeah, I think mine was like, you're the hero. And I'm like, I cry every single day. I literally cry every day I'm alive. You're a leader.

You're like a lion. And I'm like, my car smells bad. And it it has for 10 years jace you're a hero you're not wasting a new car for somebody you're heroic according to myers what is it myers briggs yeah yeah you have a piece of like string cheese stuck in the vent in your car you're like you're a natural born leader you're a man of the. Your cup holder is full of you Zen packets because of how much strength you have. You pushed past all those children during a fire because you needed to find the exit for them. For them. For the children.

Yeah. Every Saturday you sweep fast food wrappers with a big push broom. Like it's Germany in the 30s? Yeah, it's like, I'm like, well, the market crashed, so gotta get all these Burger King receipts out of here. Because you're the wizard archetype. Yes, exactly. Did you guys fuck around with this chat GBT thing? Is that the AI shit that you sent over what was that so

basically you can make it right like any uh anything you want so it's like write a speech that jordan peterson would say if he was trying to uh what if jordan peterson wrote an episode of seinfeld or something and he'll just write out like how he sounds yeah yeah oh wow it's very sophisticated ai can you do a uh how would kanye talk about um how would kanye talk about like delhi's yeah how would kanye talk about the teenage mutant ninja turtles i think it says it's only updated through 2021 so it might be it actually might be anti-white people right because it is i don't know where and when it stopped updating kanye is very it's not the chopped and screwed kanye that really is houston kanye that would be funny for they're like the dirty south claims kanye now

what if i said write a uh seinfeld episode about Jerry performing on InfoWars? Okay. Okay. Let's see what it does. Let's see what it does. It says go outside. Okay, write a Seinfeld episode about Jerry going on InfoWars. I bet kramer has some funny plot lines in this one see if this works we do maximum length okay let's see this

oh my god it's literally writing holy shit oh my god it's working it just writes abbott elementary holy shit it's still going what is it can you scroll up to the top to see what it's just i gotta wait for it to finish the episode jace it's a it's it's it's working right now don't bother it oh my god they really could use this for most writers rooms honestly okay it'd be better than every show on tv yeah they just use this computer uh scene jerry is in his apartment with elaine george and kramer jerry hey. I just heard about this new website called InfoWars. It's a place where people can go online to discuss politics and conspiracy theories. Jace, you want to play Elaine?

Sure. Conspiracy theories? You mean like aliens or something? Not just aliens. They talk about a lot of different topics. You be George. Really? I always thought InfoWars was just some crazy person's website.

Jace, you be Kramer. Well, I think it could be an interesting experience for Jerry. Kramer's from InfoWars. That's what I was thinking, too. I'm going to check it out and see what it's all about. Okay, next scene. Jerry is on InfoWars. Oh, my God.

Wow, this is really something. There are so many different theories here. Jerry starts to get into a heated discussion with other people on the website. Kramer to Elaine and George. Oh, Jerry's really getting into it. Elaine goes, he sure is. Seeing Jerry has been on Infowars for several hours. Jerry exhausted. I don't know what i got myself into everyone was so passionate about their beliefs yeah it seemed like it was quite an adventure i'm sure it was an educational experience yeah i'm sure you learned a lot yeah i guess i did that's and then i so i could have oh my god i

think i could have kept doing that it could have kept going and then it eventually is jerry's like we need caps that's insane well it's amazing that did that so quickly it's a good thing that people are only using this website to do that right someone worked this is like a hundred one million man hours of the smartest mint ever exists and people are just writing uh what would a minion say at a eulogy for george floyd yeah it's a guy who could be inventing an ai to discover the cure for cancer none of these websites are used for good no no none of them we're here to tear shit down we're just here to we we we won't stop until everyone is just completely brain dead oh yeah you know it's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing. It's a beautiful thing.

We create an AI to psyop your parents into killing themselves. It's $1.99 on the app store. You just put in your parents' phone number and it'll send them fucking voice memos as you that are so disconcerting it drives them to the point of chasing oblivion there's been the new fucking ai art shit has been crazy i think this website does

that too yeah it's kind of it's disconcerting how good they can make stuff apparently a lot of the artists are upset about it because they uploaded a ton of people's art to the ai websites to mimic their art that they so you're looking at art that another artist would do if they were commissioned to do something right and it's supposed i think the it's it's like against all these artists rights yeah it's a copyright because they uploaded all these and then like all these people they're they're not gonna make money because most people on the internet if they're you're an artist you make money from just drawing furry porn but now you can go to one of these

websites and be like draw here's a picture of me what if i was a cat with a huge dick and then michelangelo would be drawing like pregnant shrek with sonic the Hedgehog in his belly now. Yeah. It's the Sistine Chapel, but yeah, it's Kirby giving birth to Bowser. Sistine Chapel, that's where God and Adam are touching. So it'd just be two Pepes pretty much. And it would take him nine hours because it doesn't take that long to paint anymore. You don't have to wait for layers to dry. Yeah. And then some really, really, really really sad sad guy would venmo him six

hundred dollars no nowadays michelangelo michelangelo would have created the lemon party yeah still lying on his back while he's drawing it my it's michelangelo and ben's going like can you draw a halo action figure in the background? He's like, there's not enough space. Oh, he's Italian. Master Chief, you mean? Master Chief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Halo action figure.

Jase, we got to look cool like we're online. I'm sorry. Sorry, nerds that listen to the show. It's Master Chief. John 311. That's his name? The blue one. I think they call him like the blue guy. I forget. He has nicknames. I don't know. He's his name? The blue one. I think they call him like the blue guy.

I forget. He has nicknames. I don't know. I don't know. He's really awesome. He has a lot of sex. It's kind of inferred. I don't know if the Master Chief actually has sex, but Cortana is really hot and they

have a weird thing going on. But anyway, carry on. Do they pull their cocks out of their weird robot costume and fuck each other? On DeviantArt, I'm sure they do. They just open a little port they go like yeah i don't know what you two are talking about it's halo i barely know i never played i barely know what he's talking about it's halo i never played halo yeah i got up to golden eye and i was like this shit is gay i'm not playing golden i was fun because you could just

i like the way they die in that game i don't like like... If they don't die cool, I don't play it. Yeah, you guys aren't sophisticated enough to understand Halo. There's no blood in Halo. In Halo, the morality of the death is removed. Was there blood in Halo? It's like green blood, right? Yeah. I can't do that.

The alien blood's purple. I don't like that. You need Grand Theft Auto. I need blood. You couldn't even you need a hooker's head to explode i have a blood lust i need to go into a hospital that i spawned out front of and kill people lying in bed i used to do that in grand theft honor yeah you were the guy who completed not a single mission whatsoever once played a mission i just

did the cheat code got all the guns and i would just go be like my own little dc sniper for the day they should have like if your granddad was connected to the internet they would have removed you from every public school sure they've got we've seen this pattern it's been it's dylan claybold it's fucking some other shooter i can't think of him halo halo does rock but it is for guys that have brand loyalty to energy drinks it's the gayest video game call of duty is much more epic i like medal of honor i like day of defeat and like counter-strike i like those computer games sure but i'm talking about modern times devin medal of honor is gay now i know i'm sorry i don't even know if they come

out with medal of honor anymore it's way old very. I loved Call of Duty, especially the World War II one. You used to play a lot of Call of Duty when you got sober. It was pretty funny to watch. I love World War II shows. You can play as the other side. As the Nazis. The Axis Powers.

Chase. It was more than just Nazis. You could play as Kanye. He was the creative character. you could play as kanye he was a creative character you could play as yay yes yeah yay invades poland um yeah no i i i liked world war ii games a lot because i i like that setting i never i don't like desert settings for my war for my fake war war. Yeah. I never got into Call of Duty when it was in Baghdad and shit. Yeah, desert levels suck. It's gross.

There's not even infrastructure to destroy. Right. I like destroying a nice church in France. Sure. Yeah, you like a city. You're a city guy. Love cities. I'm a city kid.

Right. You're like, show me a boba place I can blow up. That's what I want. Show me a Yoshinoya I can chop a woman's head off. Yeah, let me shoot somebody in front of a Yoshinoya. That's why I love Grand Theft Auto. I love the open world shit. Yeah, you just want to drive a Porsche into the comedy store with a bomb attached to it.

You're goddamn right. What is that shitty car we talked about last episode? The Polaris Slingshot? Yeah, yeah. I'd love to strap a bomb to one of those. Yeah, two big cartoon round bombs. Yep. Just park it right in front of a Fred Siegel.

Walk away like I'm in a really cool action movie. It explodes. Yeah, you're holding up the subway, the metro, like your assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford. All wearing bags with holes under your mask and you go,

we got a... Sorry, there's a guy with $18 on that train. I just took the metro for the first time the other day. The LA metro? I took the LA metro for the first time the other day the LA metro I took the LA metro the train one

or the bus no no I would never get on a fucking bus what am I a loser I used to take the bus you took the bus in LA yeah oh that's rough

well I'd usually get so hammered I'd have to like kind of just wherever my car was that's just kind of where it just stayed right right my drinking days just wherever my car was that's just kind of where it just stayed right right my drinking days were like my car is just wherever it was you it's just there now you would get back

to your car it'd be like when homer parked in front of the world trade center on the simpsons every tire's booted from four different tire from four different tow places i'd be like i'm being responsible if i only had eight beers i would drive home but i had nine so so i'm gonna walk four miles to where i think the bus is gonna be it's not running and then i'll just kind of sleep there you were the only person that ever picked me up from my house with an open container in the car while driving in la and i'm i'm an la kid you're from west texas it's like, it's actually illegal to not drive with a figure. But you had no concept. Ben had no concept of DUIs.

It was like those commercials where you'd open someone's car door and alcohol just spills out. It was literally... You had a bunch of olives floating around in your car. It was the scene in Bad Santa when he opens the bmw door up and all these bottles fall out that was you you would get in my car and i'd hand you a coaster yep you had like you had a wet bar in the back of your toyota prius a jar of olives

you had a big globe in your back seat that you opened up but it's just full of red bull and schnapps you were a modern bootlegger yeah we used to we used to pull your that seat that you opened up but it's just full of red bull and schnapps you were a modern bootlegger yeah we used to we used to pull your that that that prius jalopy up out front of like open mics with the door falling off the door we'd sit in the back the hatchback and you would pull out a bunch of like warm ipas that you stole from a comedy festival like seven months earlier yeah we'd tailgate uh an open mic and drink sour beers that were i'm like that had gotten up to like 180 degrees you made a new type of alcohol i'm like but but now there's more alcohol in it it's more it's fermented even more now it tastes like milk

right you're like spit spit the top part out because it will kill you it's it's technically a new type of poison you have to take a straight razor to remove a film off the top of the beer. It's like when you make pudding. You have to lift the top part of your beer off. Like it's tape. Yeah, he had the only beer we had to shake. Dude, I'd have to be like, I'll be right back. I'm going to go get shot glasses for us.

And I'd go into that hot dog dog place and I'd get the little things you'd put ketchup in and I'd line those up on the trunk and then pour vodka into them. Like Potter's vodka into the... Or Burnett's. I'd be like, alright boys. What beats this, huh?

Getting drunk off Burnett's is really like, I belong in hell. No, it's just like why don't you just chug the ink in your printer it's disgusting booze but there's like 40 flavors how bad could it be you got cherry you got vanilla brunettes is like lower than like mad dog 2020 like the neon alcohol oh is it shittier than that is it i think the worst the worst type of thing you could get really drunk on is boone's farm wine what the hell is that boone's farm wine like they keep it like next to the gummy worms at convenience stores and it's alcoholic yeah and

back in abilene texas it was like i don don't know, like $4.99 for a bottle. Yeah. Like in 7-Elevens. Back in Abilene. It served in condoms. Just water balloons. You drink it out of the condom and then use it. It's the lube.

By the way, I think they never got going with this spray-on condom. That was a big promise in the mid to late 2000s. What? That never came to fruition. Like it's insulation? Like you just spray it around your penis? I think they never got going this spray on condom that was a big promise in the mid to late 2000s what? that never came to fruition like it's insulation like you just spray it around your penis a German fellow

I was just reading about this yesterday a German fellow was trying to get this going and it never took off but they were trying to use it for Indian men oh because their condoms

are too their dicks are too small yeah well I don't know whether I don't know how to phrase it either the condoms are too... Their dicks are too small. Yeah, well, I don't know whether... I don't know how to phrase it. Either the condoms are too big for their penises.

Yeah. Excuse me. Bless you. Or, sorry, I had some Trader Joe's chow mein before this. I saw you make it. He added cashews to it. And? And soy sauce.

And? And sriracha. Thank you. And beer. I relapsed. Indian gentlemen, and this is true on the international average, are below the average penis size. On average, they're below.

Indian guys have smaller dicks supposedly than your classical Asian like a Chinese man this is just an international because I know Indians like to be like that we're Asian too it's like no you're not you're Indian it's the same way like it's like it's it's like why do Brazilian people like just speak Spanish already you know sure we don't need a new thing we know what you are get me out of this ben we're talking here give the give the hot potato back to me i'll be the people have small smaller dicks than very tiny peepees to the point that it was actually a problem because they couldn't use regular condoms so they started producing smaller condoms for india because they were like why is like literally like i think like all these condom

companies are like literally like why is our stock why is our literally like, I think like all these condom companies are like, literally like why is our stock, why is our product not moving in India? Right. And they figured out it's because like literally their dicks were so statistically small that the condom, it was like trying to put like a hat on a bird or something. It would just like fall off. A hat on a bird.

I would like to clarify, I read the average is around 5 centimeters smaller than the international average I don't do metrics I don't do Celsius but that's small 5 centimeters what is that like 5 inches no I mean the Indian people were suffocating

in their condoms yeah their condoms look like it's about to blow a snake out of a basket their condom has their condom is just a big turban by the way i'm such an uncultured piece of shit i said that the other day apparently people in india don't wear turbans well yeah i mean it's from aladdin in aladdin they're wearing fucking turbans though yeah i mean that's that's like real what do you mean yeah i mean it's disney yeah i mean it was 94 when they're like yeah they're savages disney created by wolf disney in Turfans though. Yeah, I mean. That's like real. What do you mean? Yeah, I mean, it's Disney. Yeah, I mean,

but it was 94 when they were like, oh, they're savages. It was Disney. Created by Walt Disney, the man who really loved and respected other races. He had like big pirate swords.

It's a crazy mishmash of all these other cultures. Walt Disney was so racist, he just turned people into animals just to like process people. Yeah, he turned like in the Jungle Book. They all they're all black people yeah he's just like jazz band made out of monkeys yeah he's just like make all the indian people snakes on this ride

yeah he was he was building a small and he goes and keep the uh asians in the back make them a little tinier than the rest of them. Yeah, Tinkerbell is just like a Chinese man. The original title for It's a Small World was It's Too Small of a World. We need some space. By the way, a guy, a principal

just killed himself at Disneyland in California. He just killed himself at Disneyland in California. Hell yeah. He just killed himself. He put a suicide note on Facebook and then took his own life. How did he kill himself? He jumped off of a really tall parking structure that two other people have jumped off of and killed themselves. Hell yeah.

He went to Disneyland to jump off a parking structure? He went to Disneyland apparently to kill himself, yeah. God, man, that's a real, really, what a suck-ass suicide. a parking structure he went to disneyland apparently to kill himself yeah yeah god man that's a real really what a suck ass suicide what a loser that really sucks ass it would be funny if like the paramedics carry him off or just dressed like chip and dale they just have a big stretch you know he had to pay for parking to kill himself right oh he did yeah it's a lot he had to pay for parking to kill himself, right? Oh, he did, yeah. It's a lot. He had to buy a ticket. Yeah, he had a FastPass. He had to take a bus.

He had to get on a bus. Taking the bus to your own suicide. Why not just do it on the bus? Or just in the privacy of your own damn home, you know? Throw on a Disney car. He was in a fight with his wife. Or do it on a ride, you know you know yeah that's what i was thinking blow your brains out on splash mountain as they're taking the picture you see just his brains exploding out the other side dude there's so many ways to kill yourself at disneyland you could just stand up on space

mountain and get decapitated that would actually kind of rule you could uh uh can you get crushed by the epcot center like samson i mean if you have a foul on top of you you could get you could uh i guess you could get run over by a ride also that'd be interesting the guy plans a really extensive suicide where he has to blow up a building and then wait for it to fall on top of him to roll on top of him like indiana jones it's like and then two of the for it to fall on top of him. To roll on top of him like Indiana Jones. And then two of the points just roll over the top of him. So he does like it's a Buster Keaton skit.

Yeah. Well that's interesting. That's it? There was no backstory to this? Oh yeah. He was in trouble for like child endangerment or something. It was a bunch of horseshit. I was going to say was he a pedophile? No he just went on facebook and he was like look it's a bunch of bullshit what they're saying about me i'm gonna lose my license and my job but it's because my dumb wife called the cops on me last night everything's fine anyway be nice to each other and i'll see you guys on the other

side oh he left with like a real like casual like five paragraphs and said you should be kind you never know the the fight uh someone is going through on the inside you don't know the real what happened was my wife told the cops i'm a pedophile which i am but if she never told them i would be fine but technically that's not the full story i also was abused you don't know the full story. I feel bad about it. I had reservations about being a pedophile. I mean, what pedophile kills himself at Disneyland? That is the funny thing. The idea of wanting to have sex with the children at Disneyland.

It's so much. What if he went there to kill himself? He's like, you know what? Life's all right. Look at all these hot ass kids walking around. This is the happiest place on earth. It is funny to kill yourself at the happiest place on earth, though.

I went to Disneyland because of a fucking stupid work thing I had to go to the day after a breakup. Oh, God. So I was walking. I was walking around Disneyland just blaring same drugs. Wait, so you you and all your coworkers had to go. Yeah.

And like where the Mickey Mouse ears. It was one of those when you work at a startup and they're like, hey, you guys made us 50 million dollars. We're firing nine of you. But we're using the money we saved by ruining your lives to take the remaining employees to you will have to pay for your own food and drinks you will you will be paying for the ticket but you're allowed to go on a tuesday i was brutal i think we ate at the fucking like we ate at a you know you can go to like epcot or whatever and get all the different fucking culture i think we ate at like the chinese place i'm like i could be doing this in east hollywood right now oh you're just getting really shitty panda express

yeah i'm getting like shitty lo mein and watching like captain jack sparrow like fucking eyeball a kid too closely you're like i could have just ate this food and jacked off twice already and just stayed home oh what a miserable day yeah seeing like like on the car's ride just crying oh because your girlfriend just left because i literally just broke up with my girlfriend and i was like just i'm on splash mountain like just crying and like wiping the the pond water on my eyes any Any single ladies that you saw? Did you have your eyes open to do some day gaming at Disneyland? Yeah, I fucked Daffy Duck's wife. Jay's day gamers never take a holiday.

That's true. Yeah, I should have been handsome day game. Day gamers never take a day off. I could have fucked women with the biggest gums on planet Earth. No one at Disneyland is into people of age. No, not at all. Even the kids fuck kids. It is the kids that

molest each other. It's the kid that is like, you look like a pedophile, and I think it's considered pedophilia, even if you kiss my daughter on the cheek. It's a three-year-old molesting a fetus. Oh, that's so funny. A kid that looks like a pedophile.

I know exactly what you're talking about. Just like a kid where he just looks like he's lived a life. He's balding. Veins in his cheeks already. You're like, what the hell? He's got big glasses, huge white shoes. He looks like he has a handkerchief that he blows his nose into. His dad cuts his hair with the lawnmower.

He's really sticky. Every time he blows his nose, it somehow gets wetter. A kid that looks like a pedophile. A fucking six-year-old wearing khakis and a tucked-in button-up. Really into airsoft. The only kid not eating is boogers. He really makes a point of having to blow his nose. No kid likes to blow his nose. really into airsoft the only kid not eating his boogers where you're like no he's like he really makes a point of like having to blow his nose and no kid likes to blow his nose so you're like

you're a pedophile yeah he eats his boogers with a fork and knife real fancy about it emma get away from the court trying to make jokes about pedophiles i really wish you could have like get away from the court trying to make jokes about pedophiles i really wish you could have like oh god dude if you had if i was trying to day game at disney i would have rented a segway and gone full paul blart going like way too fast on the segway helmet white uh white button-down shirt tucked into my khakis pulled up elastic khakis no belt bow tie i'll allow it a mickey mouse bow tie okay this is what again if you were to kill yourself no if i was going to day game at disney day game if i was trying to get pussy at disney got you i would first of all if you're gonna day game you gotta approach as many women as possible. You need a segue.

It's a game of numbers. So you're just driving by women like, you want to fuck? You want to fuck? You want to fuck? You want to fuck? Just in a line. Cock you. Get your fresh cock.

Yeah, like you're at a baseball game. Get your fresh penis. Suck my balls. I'll come in your mouth. You throw in a guy. A lady's like, I'll take one. And you throw your cum behind your back at her. Hits her all over the face.

That'll be $18. Get your cum, eat my ass. Give me a blumpkin. You have a big tub full of dildos tied around your neck. Yep. That you're just carrying. Cock here! Oh, God.

So I like to think you're on this Segway and you've broken the governor on it. So you're going like 45 miles an hour. Yeah, I'm going way too fast. Way too fast. Like the Disneyland police are chasing me down. You've got those boots that go up into a weird spanish curl i don't even know what those are those are a type of beard they go up into like like fucking like it does like a yeah they go up into like the nightmare before christmas it gets really pointy at the end and it turns around so you could

finger kids yeah it's like a fucking i think spaniard got spanish guys in the 1800s like wore it yeah oh it's just shove up women's pussies because they're too horny yeah that's exactly right it would go in their pussy and then yeah and then up around out of their mouth and then back in their pussy again like when a beaver doesn't chew enough wood and then the teeth grows into its brain yeah yeah exactly what happens yeah i could see you getting pussy and this is going to be the rest of the podcast how to get pussy at disney i could see going at a day game conquistador outfit at disney and i could i could see like you getting like shiny metal and a big pointy hat and you're like oh oh no oh this

no i don't work here huh no? No, I don't know. I just came here to get pussy. To get pussy. Way, way too loud. Yeah, yeah. Just smoking a cigarette by Splash Mountain, where it all comes down. Nobody came up to you. You're just like, what's that?

Oh, no. And they're like, what? You're like, I'm just here to get pussy. I'm like, are you talking to me? You asked me about my outfit. It's like, I did'm with my family please leave me alone can i fuck your kid they did kind of ruin disneyland though because they fucking they changed who's they listen i don't want to get... Come on, Kanye. Yeah, come on. Let me put a gimp mask on before I talk about this.

Who is they, though? Who are you talking about? Day gamers? No, no, no, no, no. The people who run Disneyland. The Disney Corp. The good people at the Walt Disney Corp. Bob, what's his face?

Bob Disney. Bob. Oh, Iger. Iger. Iger. Yeah. Yeah. But they changed...

Goddamn Bob Iger. Turned it, made Disneyland. It's all about the kids now. For the But they changed. Goddamn Bob Iger. Turned it, made Disneyland. It's all about the kids now. For the good old days. That was going to be kind of my complaint. You completely ruined what I was going to say. I'm like, can you believe they updated it for children who are alive? Apparently kids are the only ones that want to use this place.

Yeah. Did you know I was seven in 1997 did you know that you can't even get pussy at disneyland anymore but they changed there was space mountain which kind of was like ruled because it's all in the dark now what was that one again that was the one where it was all in the dark you don't really know where you are you're just flying around you're flying around it's all inside so you don't you can't see anything, but you just see a steel beam fly three feet above your head. Now, why wouldn't I just do a roller coaster with a blindfold on?

It's the same thing. They could have saved money and just done another ride, but they hand out a blindfold depending on what ride it is. They go, don't take these off. And you're like, why? Because it's Space Mountain now. And then somebody finally takes it off. And it's just bright.

And they're just all fucking kids on either side of the ride. He takes his blindfold. If you take your blindfold off, your inside, eyes wide shut. The Piccadilly-o place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fidelio. Yeah. But they changed Space Mountain to Hyper Space Mountain.

So it's all Star Wars stuff and it's like bright. So it's not as scary. And they changed the Tower of Terror. They changed that to Guardians of the Galaxy

Red. That was the one where the guy died and everybody was like sharing the video on the Tower of Terror. Yeah. Tower of Terror.

I died in the Tower of Terror. Yeah. There was some having too much fun. It was the falling man hey I'll tell those people about a real tower of terror

I'm like they changed the tower of terror to be about 9-11 let me see if some guy actually died on it ticker bell flies into it yeah the tower of terror did end, though, and I was always confused why,

because it was kind of a neat thing. No, it wasn't. Wait, wait. Deadly Tower of Terror. Man falls five stories to it. Wait, that's something else. Hold on. That's like something else.

Hold on. Guy died. Yeah, it was the Twilight Zone. Oh, maybe it was the Superman. Maybe it was the Superman one. What's the one that drops? Six Flags, the Superman guy died on the Superman. Everybody, people die at Six Flags every day.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, everyone at Six Flags is like mad dogging each other in line, and then they all die on their roller coaster. Six Flags is only like Dallas Cowboys fans. It's just Cowboys fans, Raiders fans, and Chargers fans. And they all just look at each other the whole day until they die on the Superman ride.

They won't let you into Six Flags unless you're wearing a jean capris and have a fade. Six Flags is like TikTok hospice. Yes. Six Flags is like... They just can mainly put you down on a ride. It's the ghetto of TikTok. It's like you have to have a shirt on

where it's like Bugs Bunny fucking Lola on it, and he's throwing up a gang sign. And that's everyone there. I'm just imagining a guy falling off the Superman ride, and he just goes, Raider Nation! It was

a Hispanic team. Yeah, of course. It was Six Flags. He's like, no fool. No. What the fool? They were basically barely going to win it this year. Technically. And then just boom.

Stupid. There's Nike Cortez's spread. And then some like Cholas just like, Edwin's such a dick. He killed himself. He's such a dick for killing himself. He's such a dick. For dying. He was all right.

The key was in his pocket. How do we get home? We can't open his Honda Accord. They don't act like he died at all. So she's pregnant? She's like, fuck. She's like, fuck, Edward. I'm not pregnant now.

I have triplets. The fuck? She's walking up to his smush cart she's like you're so stupid you're stupid I told you that wasn't buckle he's sucking on like a spicy lollipop like you mind if we light like 400 candles around him

we need to light the candle with this like the virgin mary with the goat head 400 candles around him. We need to light the candle with the Virgin Mary with the goat head. And that's so he can go to the spooky skeleton land that we believe heaven is. So he can go to Coco. So he can go to Coco.

Mexican people love spooky. Yeah, they love spooky stuff. The minute he hits the asphalt they all have airbrushed like RIP shirts they just look down like oh shit it's already here it just transforms decals on their trucks

he hits the pavement and a bunch of candy goes everywhere at Six Flags they probably have like stretch limousines that are ambulances that just the pavement and a bunch of candy goes everywhere at six flags they probably have like stretch limousines like that are ambulances that just just back up into just to load body after body after body the ambulance is like a fucking uh the ambulance is on a fucking suspenders or whatever that's called god damn it suspenders when the car goes up and down oh hydraulics hydraulics yeah yeah yeah imagine i said that in the bit that would be funny hold on now i'm thinking about it that's pretty good

let's do a save at a point the ambulance is hydraulics that's right yeah the ambulance has fucking neon purple i tried to get in a joke about them selling fruit but i couldn't i couldn't figure that one out yeah i didn't really fit anywhere that's racist yeah they're like i'm gonna go get a beer and then they go work at the beer thing that went out. Yeah. It didn't really fit anywhere. Now that's racist. Yeah, they're like, I'm going to go get a beer and then they go work at the beer thing for a second to get it.

All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I take it back. I apologize. I apologize. Connie, you're being out of line. No, but Six Flags is like,

that's what we just did. That's my whole high school experience was hanging out with all those people. Tons of white people die there, too. Like I said, it's TikTok hospice. It's like desert hillbillies, cholos, and then occasionally people that just had a Coke can. They're like, I guess it's free. And they walk in like, oh my God, this is gang warfare. Dude, this is how fucked Six Fl six flag exists i forgot about this story

there was a guy apparently you can get a six flags pass where you eat for free i believe it's i think it's 30 a month well i think i think this was the one in magic mountain yes wait what's magic mountain is that that's the one that's the one up in santa carita there's a six flag yeah that's where i would go all the time the food is like it's like 18 for a burger and fries me and my friends used to go all the time in high school we couldn't afford the food we'd go get it we'd eat like the full burger we'd leave a little bit left and we'd pluck a hair put it on and all the people that work there are from like they're from like a country that like i've never heard of i remember there was they were a bunch of imported people from some country i literally don't remember the name of the country and all everyone's name was like shim krat or like jig rat and they didn't

shrimp they weren't even like foreign they weren't foreign in a way that i could even comprehend they were beyond foreign so they just gave you anything you wanted. They just didn't want to have a conversation. So we'd eat like four or five burger meals in a day because we would just wreak havoc and just pluck our hairs and put it on like a burger we already ate. Nice. We'd stay there all night. You're like little Steve Buscemi's running around. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Just little slip and fall guys. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We fucked Magic Mountain up. We used to really fuck around. We got in a few fights with Chargers fans and Raiders fans and shit. Nice. I didn't.

I ran away. But, yeah, I don't know. They love to stare you down, you know? Over a funnel kick. They love to stare you down. Yeah. Yeah, over a funnel kick. I do love Raiders fans, though.

Raiders fans don't fuck around, man. Yeah. I think I told you guys about the guy. There was a guy at my last job, because I was in santa carita for like nine months and there was a guy like i referred to him as the incredulous cholo and he just wore he was like the accountant but he like wore raiders fucking jerseys every day and he had the socks pulled up and you would just like show him like how to like turn like a fucking word document into a pdf and be like that's like fucking crazy he'd be like what that's like crazy that's crazy like any any information you gave him it was like you you were talking to a person who just took a fistful of

mushrooms yeah he's like everything's nuts yeah he's like he's like how also like isn't it weird how it's always dark in here and you're like, it's because you paid for the tinted eye surgery. He'd respond like you were a machine elf in a DMT trip saying something to him. Yeah, he has huge, giant pupils. And you just walk up to him. You'd be talking about a Marvel movie or something. You'd be like, oh, yeah, I think they're making a new Ant-Man. He'd be like, they're making a third Ant-Man?

That's like one more than two that's like crazy that's like the first time i just heard about that i kind of loved them because it was such a fun energy to be around yeah it's a fun wide-eyed bushy-tailed guy yeah yeah i love that you're just you're just like remember when ketchup was green? Remember Shrek Up? He's like, fuck. Dude, if you showed him green ketchup, he might kill himself. His brain would explode. This guy, though. Meet the guy who spent $150 a year to eat all his meals at Six Flags.

So he'd drive to Six Flags for lunch and then leave? I think he worked across from the Six Flags. Yeah, he worked across from the Six Flags. And he said, you can pay around $150 for unlimited year-round access to Six Flags for lunch and then leave? I think he worked across from the Six Flags. Yeah, he worked across from the Six Flags, and he said, you can pay around $150 for unlimited year-round access to Six Flags, which includes parking and two meals a day. If you time it right, you can eat both lunch and dinner there. So that's all he ate. Wow. And during that time, he paid off his student loans, got married, and bought a house.

And lost all his teeth. Yeah, then died of his diet. Yeah, he looks like he just got out of the john mccain prison from vietnam he's like he's like i paid off my student loans i can't lift my arms above my shoulders it's funny that he's he's like looking down on his co-workers he's like one of my co-workers said she spent 1500 a month on eating out. I was like, yeah, I'm not going down that road. I'm not enjoying my life. Can you believe these coworkers of mine? They'll spend $10,000 a year on shelter.

What are they doing? What's funny is he didn't even like it. He said the first year the menu was lame. All you could get was burger and fries or pizza and breadsticks or this pathetic sandwich in a refillable soda cup. Yeah, no shit, retard. It's a theme park. He's complaining about the selection. What? He's like, there's no damn

cuisine here at Six Flags. He's like, I mean, I was looking around the whole first year for Pokey. He's like, eventually I decided to switch things up. I started putting the fries in the burger. It's called Fusion. He complained about the quality of food are you

kidding me i mean can you imagine eating that for every meal tri-tip beef sandwich from six flags and fucking just like baked beans from a can and potato chips also doesn't sound too bad but it's well it looks like dog food yeah but a lot of that shit excites people just because it comes like somebody hands it to you. You know, if you made that at home, you'd be depressed. But if it's in like a if it's in a styrofoam box, you feel really, you know, you like love it more. True.

All food is so much cooler when it comes in like a to go box and they, you know, they tie the bag and shit like, but you could have that same quality of meal at home. You're like, this is depressing. Yeah. If I'm like at a food truck and I order a burrito, I'm like, ooh, it's smothered. It's fun. Yeah. There's something about getting something through a little window, through this little

compartment. It's a secret thing. A hand reach. Yeah, exactly. You knock and it reaches out. But at home, it's like you microwave a burrito and you're like, well, I'm never going to find a person who loves me. It's like a mythical thing it's like this

tale of like a little hand coming out of a a rabbit's hole or a hole in a tree and handing you some some golden scepter or something i think it just relates back to being a kid you hated homemade you know home-cooked meals they were like depressing and when you finally convinced your parents to like get you to you to-go food, you know, Cayman, like, it has a wrapper on it. Like, it's Christmas. You have to unwrap your food. Imagine if your mom wrapped up your dinner every night.

Like, you had to unwrap everything she made. Like, lasagna? Yeah. Like, if it was in gift wrap? If it was in nice, shiny, like, yeah, and it had a company name on it. Like, it was under the tree when you got home and you took it out? Yes, I just love corporate bullshit.

It makes the little fat kid in me excited. I love corporate shit. Every meal she gives you has a little toy next to it. Yes! You can choke on and die. Put it in a styrofoam box from a pandex. I love to go food like that. I love it.

When it's busting out of the container. Yeah, when it's barely, the chow mein is pushing the styrofoam up and they have to put a rubber band around it to keep it down. That is fucking, it turns me on. And when you take the rubber band off, the lid flies.

Flies open. Yeah, I like that. The rice and lo mein are coming out the side. That's going to be my stomach later. Yeah. So what if this gives me heart arrhythmia? It tastes like plastic, but it's worth it. It gives you all the vaccine side effects.

Oh, sorry. I mean the whatever. I didn't say that. I didn't mean that. No, no. YouTube. You meant COVID side effects, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you're not vaccinated. I'm really nervous about COVID. I'm gay. Yeah. What were you saying? Ben's gay. Yeah, I'm gay. If you're not vaccinated. I'm really nervous about COVID. I'm gay. Yeah. What were you saying? Ben's gay. Yeah, I'm gay. You're gay.

Yeah. They would give you the fucking Chinese food, like hot, in a Styrofoam box, and then you would drive like 15 minutes home. Pretty much melting into the food. Melting the plastic. Yeah, like a layer of cheese over your food. You know how much Styrofoam everyone eats until they're like 28? Oh, sure, yeah.

Unless they get really rich early. I would heat styrofoam up in the microwave up until like six months ago. That's pretty retarded of you. You really didn't think anything was wrong with that? I didn't think anything of it, really. I was like, well, it's not plastic. Right, and there wasn't even food in it. It was just styrofoam you're just what your eyes are two feet away from the screen watching

it it is say admitting that is is one degree removed from admitting i eat u-line packing tape right like the clear plastic when you're right when you're eating beef jerky you eat the silica packet at the end you're like time oh and, you eat the silica packet at the end. You're like, ooh, and time for- Ooh, and an after dinner mint. I drink keyboard cleaner. Yeah. I've always thought it looks like Jiffy Lube makes really good chili fries. Places like that. Jiffy Lube, Valvoline.

Places like that look like they'd make a damn good- Don't they look like they make a mean chili burger? They have those fucking stew they have those umbrella chairs you know the seats outside it just looks like they got great greasy food looks like they got a nice industrial microwave in the back yeah i love a good applebee's applebee's is pretty good i love chilies chiseler's love them all i love corporations i love them i look at the company man i'm a company man to the you really are though company man to the bitter fucking end you always wear name brand shit i never saw you wear walmart shoes once or some bullshit knock off anything it's because i

grew up with artistic bullshit parents that we we were super bohemian and everything was like bullshit trader joe's bullshit and I always wanted just the brand. Give me the brand. And now I'm a pig. I'm a capitalist pig. I look up at the moon sometimes and I go, they should put the Nike logo on that thing. I don't care. It's a wasted ad space.

You saw the news about how drones are going to be doing ads in the sky and you're like, good. I'm into that. More of it. No, more. I want to look up. This cloud does nothing for me. But I could find out that Nike has a sale.

Sure. You'd be the guy in Blade Runner 2049 when it's the big tall glowing Ana de Armas and you'd be like fuck yeah. And just start jerking off on the bridge. It really is a weird thing though. It's because I was raised in a...

Echo Park in the early days was like they hated corporations. We didn't get a Starbucks until 2006 or something. And your parents were like hippies. And they were, yeah, pretty much hippies. Everything was an Argentinian, Salvadorian type place, right? Sure. Every restaurant over there was it was it was like it was old gays like old gay guys and like actual bohemian dudes like heroin addicts that like

they're artists or they they make music and now it's just like carmelita song by gg allen he's like he's in echo park strung out on heroin. That famous song. Yeah, that's a very bohemian thing. And there was that and then, yeah, just like Latino families and stuff. But there was never corporations. Couldn't just like, there was a McDonald's, I guess, but that was about it. So when I visited my girlfriend in Dallas

for the first time, it was like a haven. I was like, oh my God. The amount of bar and grill restaurants is stunning. Yeah, I remember you texting us in Dallas. You're like, I'm God. The amount of bar and grill restaurants is stunning. Yeah. I remember you texting us in Dallas. You're like, I'm going to go to a macaroni grill later. You seeing a Brooks Brothers outlet and weeping. Dude, I'm not kidding.

I was like at a Pluckers. I think I was watching the World Series and I was like, this is the life. This is so beautiful. This is like that place in office space Jennifer Aniston worked at. This is amazing. I love flair. They got buttons. They got flair, damn it.

I love it. It's not some fucking bullshit. I'm not getting kimchi fries or whatever some fucking asshole trust fund kid opened up. Yeah, you're the guy who goes to New Orleans and only eats at the Hard Rock Cafe. Your idea of tourism is eating at different fucking Chili's throughout North America. Devin likes eating at the place where they have the really big thing.

Yeah. If it's the biggest, it's the best. Yep. I love it. Devin loves the big thing. I should be from Texas. It's like crazy. It's kind of hilarious. I love all the bullshit from Texas. I love like crazy. Like, it's kind of hilarious. I love all the bullshit from Texas. Like, I love that lifestyle. The idea that if something is very big, it must be amazing. Put a golden chick on every fucking corner.

Golden chick is pretty great. Exactly. Put a Whataburger on every corner. Put a Romano's macaroni grill on every corner. Put a claim jumper on every corner. Haven't seen a claim jumper in a while. What's that? I don't even know what that is.

Tremendous. Steakhouse, right? Gold Rush themed. What's that? Tremendous. Steakhouse, right? Gold Rush themed steakhouse, Ben. Tremendous. There's like one out in like Covina or something I've driven past. I used to go with my grandma a lot in Long Beach. Love it. Every sales... Your grandma still alive? No, she's dead. Sorry about that. I killed her.

She killed herself at Disneyland. Oh, there is a claim jumper in San Bernardino San Bernardino claim jumper kicks ass it looks like a place where there's been

a horrible shooting a grisly murder it does it looks like it would be on the news it would be on the news where like horrible

some that happened at of lubies you know what is lubies well there was a horror oh you would you would love lubies misogyny uh it was a guy who killed a bunch of women because he wasn't getting laid he killed i think he killed like 20 women it's a buffet in texas and he he shot up like 29 people in a lubies it was like the first actual mass shooting i think it was in texas It was in Texas. It was like 1987. It was the first time they were like, you can shoot 30 people? It's revolutionary.

Yeah, yeah. He really was. Yeah, he changed the game. Ben, do you guys know about the Bob's Big Boy shooting? There was a Bob's Big Boy shooting? I did, actually. I looked that up the other day.

It's called the Bob's Massacre. Like four or five people. They closed the one over. Yeah. It was in Culver City or something. He locked people in the kitchen and the freezer and killed them all. Jesus. And they left yeah what part of la was it in uh it

was i think it was more by um it was more by like the doheny part of uh the west side like beverly hills there was a there was an older bob's big boy there oh man that would have run run your life yeah still bob's big boy here yeah thank god there wasn't a podcasting then or he would have definitely been a Lemon Party guy. Yep. I know. Thank Christ. Thank God.

Can you imagine hiding behind the Bob's Big Boy to avoid gunfire? The fat little kid. Yeah. The cops are like poking out between his arms to shoot at him. Yeah. Yeah. The Luby shooting was 1991 in Killeen, Texas. He shot and killed 23 people.

But most of them were women. Yeah, he couldn't get laid, and that's why he did a shooting. I didn't mean but most of them were women and most of them were women. At the Luby's? But is a big difference. So this was like a 1991 Elliot Rodgers style incel killing. It was like the OG. Interesting.

This was the Sugar Hill gang of doing shootings. And he wasn't even radicalized by a website or anything. That was like pure love of the game. Just pure love of not getting pussy. You know what's interesting? He loved it. He goes, I fucking live for this shit. Him not getting pussy. He goes, I fucking live for this shit

dog. He's talking like Ray live for this shit, dog. He's talking like Ray Allen. You know what's funny? He got game. Yeah, he goes every day. I'm sorry. I meant fucking the guy from the Ravens. Oh, Ray Lewis?

He's doing a dance. Yeah, he's doing the dance. And he goes, he's like in an interview. And he goes, I went to my high school. I wrote down every woman's name. And I made sure none of them would fuck me. And every day when one of them fucked me i would cross her name off the list and i said i'll fucking live for this shit dog i'll fucking grayson selva have you ever seen that clip of

ray lewis talking about his dad's high school records no is it good enough to play should i play it you can probably pull it up yeah i'll i'll talk about what you pull it up no it's is it good enough to play should i play it you can probably pull it up yeah i'll i'll talk about what you pull it up but it's him it's like him in like an espn interview he's talking about apparently like his dad abandoned the family and his dad was like this big star athlete at the same high school that ray allen um went to or sorry sorry ray lewis i did it again damn it what ray lewis dad ray lewis dad yeah yeah i think it's auto filling yeah this might be but it's fucking well it's like 13 minutes oh absent dad fueled anger hunger no that's not the one that i scrolled down a little bit absent dad fueled my double murder oh ray lewis most inspirational speech about family.

No, it's the first one, but I think it's going to be too long. I can just tell you what he, what he said. This guy is jacked by the way, this Ray Lewis guy, what was he?

Some sort of sports athlete. You think Ray Lewis did his dance after he killed those two people? Doing the weird, the weird shimmy. Oh, this was the guy that murdered all those people he murdered two people apparently but he got off so it's it's innocent yeah he murdered two people and then like four days later won the super bowl yep yeah was it at that club in boston no that's aaron hernandez

oh right right and then paul pierce was also stabbed like nine times in a bar in boston the black people can't even like go party in boston even if they're like fucking famous uh yeah but anyway yeah this the speech is he he says he he was like fucking 14 years old this is just how crazy intense he is and he goes i went to that high school and they had every single one of my dad's high school records on the board like fastest 800 you know like most points scored in a basketball game you know like all that athletic shit he goes i went to i went to my house i went in my room i wrote every single one of those records on a big piece of cardboard and over the next four years every fucking month i crossed another one off the

goddamn list and he goes and i erased that man i erased his history and then he's like and then he killed one person i killed two people wait did his dad have a no i i don't i don't know yeah yeah oh man i just told the story that didn't end in a laugh it's great no it's it's that's a great uh he had a great mentality just sometimes you know he's a killer he's a damn you have to be a killer yeah him and ed reed ed reed was like if you if you like watch ed reed mic'd up audio clips are like some of the greatest of all time ed reed might be the greatest football player of all time besides tom brady yeah maybe honestly unbelievable the things he did yeah there's yeah there's a few plays that i'm like i don't think anyone will ever do that yeah

there's a thing that tom brady about him. He goes, Ed Reed. He goes, I don't even know how to. He's like, Tom Brady's like, I don't know how to play against Ed Reed. He's like, he's the only person I don't know how to play against because he's that insane. Yeah, he's that good. But no one's better than the current Miami Dolphins. Oh, shout out to the Miami Dolphins for sending us merch. Unbelievable.

Miami Dolphins merch. I'm a Dolphins fan for the rest of my life now. Hope they win the Super Bowl. God bless them. Yep. They sent us a Richie Incognito jersey.

Yep. Our favorite player, Richie Incognito, who was hazing people by like, he was like shooting rookies in the knee. Yeah,

and then everybody, I remember when that story came out, all the analysts were like, this is what we do. Sometimes we jam a pool cue up a rookie's ass until he bleeds to death. It's a brotherhood. It's a brotherhood.

Yeah. He was like, it was like a half black player. He's like, I got to toughen him up. And there's like those voicemails of him, like calling him the N word, calling him gay and stuff. Yeah. Classic bullying. Classic stuff.

And then he played 19 more seasons in the NFL. It was like fine. If that happened now, it would be over for him. Yeah. It was a big deal back then. I think he was playing for the Raiders fucking last year. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, he's an O-lineman, right? Yeah, O-lineman. Big old guy.

You can do whatever you want if you're an O-lineman. There's O-linemen that stormed the Capitol and no one's investigating it. Because they go, we got to protect the QB1. We need a strong pocket this year. Actually, they've discovered that a symptom of CTE is storming the Capitol on January 6th. Everyone who's there has no more gray matter because Ray Lewis hit them too hard.

Herschel Walker was a football player, right? Or am I way off? He was a football player. And a fighter too. He has CT. We're watching a man with CT. This is like if Aaron Hernandez didn't kill people and ran for office.

That's what we're watching with Herschel Walker. City comptroller Aaron Hernandez. Every time I... Just every debate, he's just polishing the floor with soap you know that detail about him yeah do you ever heard that ben what aaron hernandez this is how i get to know how he slipped to kill himself to kill himself because his jail cell was too short he he waxed his jail cell with soap every day for like 30 days.

It was an acme suicide. Yeah. It was a wily kind of thing. It was like, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. I was playing. He covered the floor of his jail cell with banana peels so he could hang himself. Yeah. Oil spills. It was a real Mario Kart death.

Yeah. That one was sad, right? Well, I remember that one was sad, right? Well, I remember the documentary on him came out and like, I swear to God, I knew like 15 dudes who were like, dude, he was fucking gay. Oh my, what a loser. Yeah, he was gay. That was their biggest problem with him. We found out he was like a serial killer and then a lot of people were like, and he's gay? Yeah, I remember that.

He's like executing your best friend um you know in a parking lot i can stand but now was it a crime of passion uh they were no they were just in love with this man yeah yeah i think a couple of them were gay deaths and then also he was a lot of it was just like posturing like him thinking he's a fucking he was a wannabe tough guy i mean one of his odin lloyd i think is literally missing his eye like shot his like best friend in the face jesus christ and the guy lived but wow it's insane it's like a guy with an eye patch yeah wow that's awesome yeah yeah or a glass eye he was hanging out with dan crenshaw and if you lost an eye do you go eye patch or do you go glass eye?

I make people look at it like chubs. You just have a hole? You're like Fetty Wap? No, yeah, eye patches are like, come on, it's a costume. No, I think I go eye patch. If I get brain surgery, I'm not putting on a big cowboy hat. Yeah, you lifting up, you go, ma'am, and then you just show a completely exposed skull. Brain.

I guess I do an eye patch. I mean, you don't want to scare people. Right. A glass eye is pretty cool, though. Because you can pop those out. Pop it out. Can you move it around so you could be like, I'm looking here right now. I want people to think I have both eyes, but I'm looking here. You could spin it. Can you could be like i'm looking here right now like i want people to think you could spin it yeah can you spin it you could do the thing where you're sleeping in class and

you have two ping pong balls yeah for eyes people think you're awake i get an eye like you know how a goat's eye is is like a cylinder it's like a long thin thing i'd get like a goat's eye like a billy goat that'd be cool i definitely wouldn't go human eye go animal eye right or you go like big long extending metal telescope thing like that would be fun oh that would be that'd be cool yeah yeah steampunk eye yeah like steampunk guy yeah exactly like you're in wild wild west that's the yeah yeah yeah i might love that movie i might my favorite movie i might go just take out the other one too it i'll. I'll just wear sunglasses. If I lost an eye, I would definitely also cut off my leg. Just so it would be baller.

I just wear sunglasses everywhere. Yeah, I'd wear sunglasses everywhere and be like, this money from the government's nice. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Does Dan Crenshaw still get paid from the government because he only has one eye? Is that a thing?

We give him money because he lost an eye? Well, if you're disabled like that, don't you get a check? No, not for losing an eye. That's true. I'm going to cut my toe off tonight. There's so many jobs you can't do if you have one eye. I think you're thinking of like workers comp. Like if you lose your arm in a sheet metal factory.

How did that guy lose his eye? Having gay sex. Nice. Yeah, somebody's dick went straight through his... A dick went and then... Yeah. He was having gay sex in Iraq and a straight dick went... Friendly fire dick went into his eye and popped it out.

Mogreen gay sex. That guy, Dan Crenshaw, he was probably... Him looking up from the massage table and a whole dick goes through his head. Like it's a scary movie. Dan Crenshaw probably was cornering some scared child in Pakistan. Yeah, and they threw a rock at him.

And the kid probably clawed his eye out. That guy was a soldier of some kind. I think he lost his eye in battle or whatever. He said Osama Bin Laden shot it out or something, probably. Osama Bin Laden threw a knife at it. Meanwhile, the true story is he probably tripped trying to rape

an Afghani woman and fell. He tripped. He's like, oh, it was actually shot out. I didn't fall on a big rock with my penis out i talked to a generation kill guy once and he said one of his buddies uh was so mad at his buddy for dying he went into some village and shot a kid point blank in front of some family just said how do you guys like it yeah he just he taught he one time he was really drunk and it was really literally a guy from generation Kill and told me all this shit.

All these war crimes he's seen. Yeah. And meanwhile, that same guy's like at a Dodgers game getting honored during the seventh inning. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guys, I love BetterHelp. Don't you? Yeah. Love it.

Jace, you love it, don't you? I mean, I'm a huge fan. You're a huge fan of therapy, specifically BetterHelp. Yeah, and the fact that they're giving access to therapy to people who might not be able to pursue it. Yes. Well, you know,

there's a podcast named Lemon Party and that's our podcast. That is the podcast that we do. And BetterHelp sponsors the podcast Lemon Party. Oh, wow. So, they have a code here,

BetterHelp, that's betterhelp.com slashHelp. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com slash lemon. That's BetterH-E-L-P.com slash lemon. You know, unfortunately, life doesn't come with a user manual. I wish it did. Same. It would be so much easier. It would also be kind of weird if it did, though, if you think about it.

Yeah, that would be kind of odd. Like, you just get it at the hospital or something. Yeah. Like, your baby's born, and it's like an ikea thing you put together essentially where there's like a set of instructions like what to do you know yeah let's say don't inflict trauma on this baby yeah yeah and you grab it by the foot don't leave it outside don't shake it yeah so when it's not working for you, it's normal to feel stuck. Navigating any of life's challenges can make you feel unsure whether it's a career change, a new relationship, or becoming a parent. That's all happened to us very recently.

My wife is not pregnant, though. Neither of us are parents. I would like to have a child maybe next year though. Yeah, I think it's in the cards. I think it's in the cards too. Same. Sure. I'd like to have an unplanned pregnancy.

That'll probably happen at some point. It's convenient and accessible anywhere. It's 100% online. And therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine

called the you, Devin Costa. You, Jay Savory. So, as the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online, plus it's affordable. That's an important thing to me. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking,

you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be any simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, folks. No endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash lemon. That's betterhelp.com slash lemon that's better h-e-l-p.com slash lemon if i was in the army like if i was drafted and they forced me to fight i would kill everyone in my platoon and i'd make a run for it i don't yeah you'd become a hero in whatever country you're invading i didn't ask to be here i have no clue what's happening if you force me to fight like make my bed at like 5 a.m and like run and shit and there's all these guys yelling at me, I just shoot them all in the head and I pretend

it's like, oh, this big battle happened. We were ambushed. I bet we were ambushed. I don't know why. They used my gun. I dropped my gun. They used my gun. They killed everybody. You'd platoon yourself. I don't care. This is all fake. I'm never going to pretend

anyone's fighting for anything real or like anything matters yeah kobe's dead kobe is dead kobe died nothing matters anymore i really don't care no but i'd kill everybody you'd kill in vietnam you would one by one like 12 little indian style yeah kill every single person in your platoon yeah it'd be like a murder mystery yeah yeah i'd then i'd like literally be like a murder mystery. Yeah, then I'd literally be planting fingerprints. I'd go to a Vietnamese guy and be like,

please just put your fingerprint on this and that gun in case they do an investigation. Yeah, and then you'd just go live in a village with a big rice hat on. Yeah, and they'd love me. They'd love how I sound different. It actually sounds great. You get to eat Asian food all the time.

You wouldn't have to pay rent. You can get an Asian girlfriend really easy. Asian girlfriend, yeah. Exactly. So I can have the bumpers up for life. Yeah. Yeah, you can kind of just let it all hang out at that point. Make all the mistakes you want.

By the way, I wouldn't even get as far into being in the war. The first day they make me make my bed, I'd kill everybody in the boot camp. You'd go Full Metal Jacket like three hours in. When I watch Full Metal Jacket, I'm like, why doesn't he turn the gun on them? They're forcing you to do this. Yeah, because they make him into a school shooter, essentially. Devin would be getting his head shaved doing that fucking look through the eyebrows. had to do six push-ups and you kill yourself yeah you do six push-ups then you're like fuck this and you go in the bathroom and put the gun in your mouth myself

like the first fucking day they they just take all the pornography you bought the basic training you're like well fuck this i'm killing myself on a toilet I could see you climbing that wall in the obstacle course just you could jump off of it and kill yourself yes

I could see that too after I've already shot everybody the whole like getting drafted thing has always been so funny to me because I'm like what do they not think

I'll just kill everybody you don't do that to me you don't force me to do that don't you force me to fight I would love to I'll just kill everybody. You don't do that to me. You don't force me to do that. Don't you force me to fight. I would love to. I'll fight you. No,

I get it, Devin. Right. But on the, on the flip side of this whole thing, Devin, what if then, then you kill all your men.

They're like, God damn it, Costa, you're one of us. And then they make you the Arlie Ermey guy where you just get to call everybody a fact. They'd make me the chief of police of LA. For eight weeks straight for boot camp, you wake up at six in the morning to call someone gay.

I just wake up gay boys. You're all gay. Oh, yeah. You would be Arlie. You're all very gay. You would be Arlie Emery, but you're really catty about it. You call that a mate bed. You're gay.

Are you gay? No cleverness about it. Yeah, basically. You just flick in their dick. What are they called? Army Rangers or the guy that yells at you every morning? Army Rangers. What is he called?

What's he called? I don't care. I don't care. You're video game characters to me. Fuck. Yeah, you're at the Dodger game. You're at the Dodger game going like, we need to honor the fallen video game characters.

It's like Mortal Kombat. Who cares? First off, I'm completely kidding. Thanks for everything, I guess. But, you know, truly. Thanks for everything, I guess. Truly. The guy is the colonel, the general. What do they call the guy that yells at you? The sergeant.

They're just podcasters. They get paid to wake me and call you gay and make these gay jokes and shit. Yeah, yeah. You just have to have a couple one-liners that are pretty good. They have jokes that they share and stuff yeah there's like joey's that they have memorized that's the repeat songs that they do oh they're like i don't know what i've been told eskimo pussy is mighty cool you know they have like a bunch of those nice yeah the army is

actually pretty gay if you think it's very racist they have racist songs about escobar people yeah they're they're they hate the inuits they're so full of dude it's so racist they invade other countries yeah that's you you're the you're the woke liberal guy who's like i don't like this so i mean invade syria all you want but i just don't like this but do not sing the song about inuit pussy i had friends who joined the marines and they said it was the gayest shit they they they totally regret it they hated it everything was a dick measuring contest everybody sucks ass it's not a brotherhood and everybody ate everybody just sort of uh is constantly it's like it's like the shittiest

frat it's a frat where everybody gets a gun. No, I mean, listen, I was completely kidding. I know there's a lot of like, I'm sure there's some really great heroic platoons out there. But I just feel like the honor, the whole cool aspect of being in the army kind of ended after like World War II. Right. That was the only one that felt like we had to do it. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I think most of our jokes are based around the idea that there's no reason for us to be fighting yeah i just don't like it sucks that they have to go i will say the

people that have reached out to me for for for anything ever that are like uh complimentary they always say they're they're very very very alone and very sad. Who are soldiers? That are soldiers. Yeah. The suicide rate's insane. So they're never like, oh, I'm very happy in this brotherhood. That's how it's pitched to you in every movie. Right.

That they all love each other and would die for each other. They all, they're full of rage. Their wives cheat on them. It's one of the worst lives I could ever imagine. I think 7% of homeless people are veterans. Yeah. So, yeah. 7%? age their wives cheat on them it's one of the worst lives i could ever imagine so i think seven percent of homeless people are veterans yeah so yeah seven percent seven percent of homeless people yeah i think that's true yeah there's like more homeless veterans than there are pedophiles in

the world it's a very high percentage weird analogy to make but sure interesting connection that's your version of using a football field you look at football fields away yeah you look at the population of som a football field. It's seven football fields away. Yeah, you look at the population of Somalia, you're like, that's like three of Earth's pedophiles. It's just the crazy. It's crazy that it's minimum 3% pedophiles of people, supposedly. It's 3% is the minimum. Yeah.

That's what they say. 3% of the population is attracted to children attracted attracted to children it's very interesting interesting fascinating they're all at disneyland that's right yeah the happiest place on earth happiest place on earth they're all listening to this show you know you know what the military is nowadays it's just it's an extension for people that like can't get over that their high school football career ended like that's the truth you know like that brotherhood you know your west texas yeah fucking roots brother yeah yeah sure all those guys went didn't don't you guys know like like a million guys that died in the army i know he got sniped in the head he lived but i think he was really fucked up because of it he lived

he has like a wiffle ball head now he's like a bunch of holes in it. Yeah. It's like Hellraiser if you took all the needles out. Right. Yeah, he's got Swiss cheese brain. Well, that sucks for him. I do feel, I feel bad for the troops now. Sometimes, somehow, I take it back.

We love all the troops. Once I started going off, I was like, this is funny. People laugh at him. I'm like, no, but I do always feel bad. It's a really ridiculous joke I make,

but I would never kill my platoon. I almost thought about going in the army when i was really sad when i was really sad and alone freshman year of college i had no one to talk to for four months i started going to army surplus stores and sweatpants i was 235 pounds i'm 180 now i'd just sort of shuffle around and be like, hmm. I'd talk to the guy behind the counter. I'd be like, do you have any 7.62x54 NATO round? And he's like, oh, you're looking for 7.62? I'm like, yeah, it's for the Mosin-Nagant, the most popular sniper rifle from World War II. He's like, no, I know.

I'm like, yeah, basically, Russia thought the war was going to go on for 70 more years, so they made 54 million Mosin-Nagant sniper rifle. He's like, no, I know, I know, I know, I know, dude. I'm like, yeah, but they put them in cosmoline. You have to clean the cosmoline off. He's like, dudes, please leave me alone. He's like, wait right here. I'm going to go make a phone call real quick.

Just pressing a button under his desk. I'm just trying to have, I'm just trying to talk. I don't talk to anybody at all. I'm just talking about, I'm like, I'll just trying to have i'm just trying to talk at i've i don't talk to anybody at all i'm just talking about i'm like i'll just talk to some guy i'll try to force some conversation about ammunition and old world war ii memorabilia were you thinking about doing it because you thought it would be kind of cool to just have all that stuff or to get paid and have like you know your college page i didn't want to be in college anymore. I was so miserable.

There was that one open mic I was doing in town, and I got banned from it three months into doing it. And then I'm like, I'll just join the army. What'd you get banned for? It was a Christian coffee shop where I was doing stand-up at, and after three months, a bunch of people called and complained because you were what were you doing I was playing them in party episodes I was just doing

poo poo pee pee shit I got banned so I went to the open mic went to and I'm signing up and the owner put his hand on mine like in a movie like and just like and like took the pen from me and he goes we've got a couple of calls from people and unfortunately I'm going to have to ask you not to come back to my establishment.

I would perform stand-up comedy between people singing, like guys with dreads going up like, Jesus, you are so sexy and I want to eat your pussy. And then you're going up yeah yeah i remember i remember the last time you performed ben went up i think it was like one of the first times i performed there and then ben was like i think i'm you know i'm just gonna like riff off the dome and then you went up there and you just talked about how you wanted to kill your ex-girlfriend for five minutes but because you were riffing you didn't have any jokes so you kept trying to double down i was trying to learn what it was like to do stand up without having material right sure sure but you would say you're like i want to kill my ex-girlfriend

and that wouldn't get a laugh you'd be like no you don't understand i want to kill her take a gun and shoot her in the head dude i think i was dressed like doug stanhope too i had like a beanie you're smoking yeah i'm swirling a barks root beer like it's a beer yeah i think I was dressed like Doug Stanhope, too. I had a beanie. You're smoking. Yeah, I'm swirling a Barks root beer like it's a beer. I think I was 19 maybe at the time or something. It's like, it's a ride. Dude, I had...

You own five houses in Arizona. Dude, I swear to you, I had no friends. I would wake up and go to bed and not talk to a single person. The only thing i had to look forward to was trying to write five new minutes of comedy at this open mic every week for seven days i'd prepare for it after after three months and then i got banned i was like i i'm just gonna just go army.com i guess i'm just gonna join the army and i started collecting

weird ammunition i bought uh i bought a mosin Mosin Nagant from a Big Five Sporting's Goods. I had two shotguns, like a break barrel and a pump action. I just started being really, really, really weird. I was listening to a ton of Patrice, like a lot of Patrice. I had insomnia. I was sleeping like one hour a night. Wow. It really was a fork in the road.

And each future point of the fork ends up with you as famous as you are now but for very different reasons yeah both forks in the road i end up on infowars but the other fork is just a screen a mug shot of your face morpheus presenting the red pill and the blue pill and both end with me being very racist oh god i guess we went we kind of went over time i think people complain when i try to end it at an hour oh yeah nobody likes that you have to like kind of like coke you have to pretend like you're like what oh my god 15 minutes past an hour you're like we did 63 minutes whoa i didn't know exactly how long we've been doing. Yeah. It's like I've done this hundreds of times.

Yeah. And then afterwards, I'm like, cut the three minutes we went over and add that to the Patreon so we only get 57. Well, I think this was a positive. Was this a regular or a Patreon? I guess we don't know. Who knows? We got to stop.

Yeah, we don't know. We never know until after. But what if I got to plug stuff? Oh, but either way. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party and then Devin's channel. I haven't made a new channel yet. He hasn't made a new one.

But my hate watch got nuked for three months today. But regardless, this is Devin Costa at Devin Costa. That's my YouTube channel to watch old

hate watch episodes on now. But all new episodes going forward will be on a new channel that I'm sure, you know, like 43 people will join whatever what are you gonna do for people that still haven't figured it out devin is our friend jace is my jace is my brother at sad drawings by jace he's not my cousin or whatever the hell you people message me i've seen a lot of different theories on devin's name is spelled with an a that's it's not D-E-A-V-I-N.

Yeah. I kind of want them to make up whatever story they want about me. You go ahead and do whatever you want. I want a war. Yeah. So. They can think we're all like incest babies

or anything you want. Who's the thalidomide baby to the left of him? Is that his child? Yeah, and of course, yeah. I have no idea what context clues are. It's like listening to three 12 year olds yeah i guess it's fine well my keys are sticky uh jace is at sad drawings by jace uh patreon.com slash lemon party shout out to the miami dolphins

yeah that was very cool shout out to the Miami Dolphins. Yeah. That was very cool. Shout out to the guy that sent me these hokas, too. We love you, Miami Dolphins. The guy that sent me these hokas, I should find his name real quick. I love Miami Dolphins. We're going to state this year. We're going to state, baby.

Also. Tua. Tua. Tua's amazing. Tua. Yeah, yeah. Also, a lot of people at Paul Stamets Laboratory listened to yes party i love mushrooms yeah so makes sense everybody with a fried brain loves lemon party cte or overdosing on mushrooms you love the show oh this guy i'll shout him out because he sent me

a pair of shoes at wall street yoga he's very ripped oh he got a fucking oh they're doing the check mark thing he only has 400 followers he has a check mark you they're letting people pay for it now like officially i haven't figured that out because i think they were doing it for two days maybe if you missed out you can't get a blue check anymore but regardless shout out to that guy for sending me these uh hokas yeah these are the only shoes i wear now they they made my joints feel so much better in my knees and my feet it It's amazing. They're good. I'm sure they're comfortable. Okay, so that's all the plugs.

And then look out for Devin's new channel because he's going to have to get a new channel so you can keep watching the Hate Watch podcast for all you Hate Watch fans out there. Yeah. Thank you, man. All right. God bless. Bye. I'm sorry. Gå inn på min kanal. Thank you.