lemonparty - 012: rainy day diaper

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

rainy day diaper | 012 lemonparty more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty Follow AmericanGwyn on twitter and follow his substack: https://twitter.com/AmericanGwyn https://bloodmeridian.substack.com/ 00:00:30 coffee alcohol / white japanese guys 00:06:30 Hayao Miyazaki / depressed japanese guys 00:11:00 skip bayless 00:15:00 JK Rowling 00:17:30 Jordan Peterson suit 00:19:30 Theater kids at denny's 00:23:30 Sharpe family singers 00:29:48 Ben adult diaper story 00:53:30 Follow @ AmericanGwyn on twitter 00:55:26 improv guys 01:07:55 Jace's room mate almost killed him ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

🎵 He's got caffeine. I'm just letting you know. I'm not a fucking fanuc. I can have caffeine. I'm not drinking rooibos tea all day. I'm not gay, all right? I don't do marinated twig water.

My brain doesn't get destroyed by a beverage. How about that? Listen, Bob, I need the caffeine, okay? I'm binge-binging Boardwalk Empire for the third time. Well, you know what I do is I just don't go to sleep until it's way too late, and it ruins the rest of my day. But I kind of just push that down and never acknowledge it. Yeah, thanks for telling me don't drink any caffeine.

You know what, did you think I was up until 5 a.m. last night, sleep deprived all day? You know what's funny, by the way, is Devin acts like I'm a normie because I drink rooibos tea, which is a red bush from South Africa. Devin over here loves coffee and alcohol, like the most basic bitch on the planet. I don't think you're a normie.

Coffee or alcohol? You just misrepresented me fully, sir. Well, you're kind of a normie, I think. How am I saying that? That's not you being a normie. That's you being one of those white guys that tries to turn Asian the older he gets. You probably take walks with your hands behind your back yeah you like look like you're gliding you know those guys yeah yeah yeah that's just floating yeah okay like a steve jobs type guy

where you just eat all fruit exactly a guy weak you you think he's on a skateboard you look down he's just walking right exactly How is his head perfectly level? And they all start- With the horizon. Yeah, his legs aren't even moving. He's gliding like he's in an exorcist. And he lives in a giant home that just kind of looks like a human aquarium. Like from Ex Machina, like on a big hill.

Yeah, right. He sleeps very Asian-like. It's like a yoga mat is his bed. Right. Because he sleeps on the floor because he's heard that that's how you're actually supposed to sleep. His pillow is a big rock that he found. And he pulls up to him. In ten years, Ben is going to be the guy that's like,

I heard it's good to walk barefoot. The natives, that's how you don't get back pain. You got to wear those shoes, but they're not shoes. Yeah, the Vibrums. The five fingers. That is a weird form of depression. You just start thinking you're Japanese. Yeah. Where you get start thinking you're Japanese. Yeah.

Where you get so depressed, you're like, you get so depressed, you're like, I must be more honorable. Well, surely I'm Japanese, right? I'm not, I can't be American.

I'm way too sad. That's so funny. Because it is, it's a form of depression because you're like, I should die over anything I do wrong right like i should kill myself you're you're so depressed you're like you know what i'm not an individual anymore i'm part of the sovereign nation of japan on a higher level of that not to like intellectualize it like a jordan

peterson guy sure are we recording now by the way yeah it should be recording okay i was i sorry i thought you didn't turn the camera not to uh to... No, I never tell people. Listen, here's the thing. We do nine hours before this, and then we just pick a random spot. We pick the best spot. We're like Jocko. We start crack of dawn. We start podcasting 4.30 in

the morning. It is funny when you're watching Rogan and people are sometimes 20 minutes in like, oh, are we recording? He's like, yeah, mom. Yeah, mom. Yeah, mom. You just admitted the chop right now like i just told everyone where my mom like her street address i just i just said my pin number uh not to intellectualize it but you're kind of sacrificing yourself to something higher in a weird way so you are like dying for you are it is a weird form of self-annihilation you're you by by thinking all of a sudden you are now a japanese man you're killing yourself essentially and becoming something else well yeah that's what

i'm saying is you're part of a culture that's like no it is about your like they they value your place as the cog in the machine. It's not the American way of, like, I'm an individual. I'm doing my own thing. So you're so depressed you don't even have that American individuality anymore. Right. People that go, they go, hey, man, you're stuck in the matrix. You're like, it's the hive mind.

Right. You got to be like the guys that, you know, live like ants in Japan. Right. Those guys, those free thinkers yeah meanwhile a guy in japan with depression gets really into like shoving squids and women's pussies and then he walks into the woods and hangs himself he doesn't get depressed and like just start like going like you wear a hat y'all wearing big cowboy hats and shit i love how people in japan are so depressed they have to express their sadness through their own suicide in the most creative and tragic way possible yeah they throw themselves like from from uh like rocky cliff

sides into the ocean like like on fire. Yeah. Like beautiful. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful thing. Elliot Smith just thought he was Japanese. Yeah, they just like do like whaling and then like chuck themselves off like a luxury cruise line or something. Yeah, because they work like 80 hours a week and then Friday night, Saturday night, they're just like going to blowjob bars and like executing children for fun.

This is what I imagine happens in Tokyo, by the way. That's what I heard. I heard it's like the weekends are fucking, it's like the hangover. And then Monday morning, they're like, back to work. But you see photos of them in the subway. They're like wearing suits and they fully piss themselves. Like their dicks are hanging out and they're like oh I have to do a 400 hour of work next week.

They're like crumpled under a subway track. And they're like that guy owns Mitsubishi. No in the office the next day you're like typing you like make eye contact with a guy and you remember at 4 a.m. last night you were both like murdering a child in a red room.

You just get you just go. Yeah. I need to go back to you. You guys both fucked each other nine hours ago while you were drunk and you're not. Neither of you are gay. You both fucked each other. Then you see each other. You go.

Good. And then he goes I got the business card they bow when they hand off business cards man I think I might start I think I might just start thinking I'm a ninja or something I remember showing you the Hayao Miyazaki

documentary and then you were like I'm gonna become that guy an old depressed Japanese man who smokes cigarettes and like talks about how he wants to blow his brains out while he just sweeps his paper house that he lives in. He just says weird, dark, mystical things. He goes, anime used to do good in the world and now all it does is bad. Right. Man, it's a cartoon.

It's a cartoon, dude. It's a cartoon of guys that eat a lot of food and run fast he draws a frog in a top hat he goes i think our society is a evil poison they tried to show him at home and they asked him what his hobbies were. He's like, oh, yeah, let me show you, man. This voice, by the way, I don't even know what we're doing. It's going to be a hell of a music video. This is just the voice of a guy in a truck stop taking a shit, talking to you through the stall.

Hey, brother. Hey, brother. You got to bite down on some leather, brother. No, it's that. That slowly just turns into an old Japanese guy. Yeah. You guys gave me a sticker. I love lots of lights flashing at the same time as I walk through downtown.

I like advertisements, but I can't read them, so I don't realize they're advertisements. So it doesn't depress the shit out of me. I think it's beautiful, but I don't know if it's for M&M liquors or whatever. I love it. Hoshidi set up like an ESPN zone. I like the Korean baseball,

which is much worse than American baseball. But there's a big octopus mascot. But you know the greatest baseball player already of all time is Japanese? That's Shohei. Shohei Ohtani. Shohei Ohtani. He's like broken every record. Truly has like done something nobody's done in the history of baseball.

He pitches. He hits. He does everything. A top five pitcher and a top five batter at the exact same time. He's like a samurai of baseball. He's already broken every record. He doesn't speak a lick of English. No, yeah.

And like analysts get pretty upset by it. Like Stephen A. Smith. You're telling me the best baseball player of all time talks all ching chong bing bong? Is that what you're telling me? Skip, Skip. Skip, you're telling me the best baseball player of all time was killed in the Hiroshima bombing? Skip's like, listen, listen, I do an hour of cardio every day.

Haven't missed it since 1984. Skip's like, I was pretty upset they canceled the game when that black feller had a heart attack. Wasn't that guy's name Skip Bayless? Skip Bayless. They don't even do the show together anymore, but it was a fun time when they did. Yeah, that guy's a retard. They're both maniacs.

I do love that somebody in 1999 ESPN was like, what if we got a black guy and a white guy and they just screamed at each other? The head of ESPN watched Die Hard with a Vengeance in 98. He other. One guy, the head of ESPN watched Die Hard with a Vengeance in 98. He's like, that's the future of this network.

Oh, racist white guys that are watching that at home are just hitting the inside of their leg. Woo! That's how they clap. Right, right. They just hit their fat

right below their cock. Why do guys do that, by the way? Slap the fat under their cock. Yeah, let's go, boy. You ever see people do slap the fat yeah let's go but you never see people do that let's go but i think maybe like in the bar they're like clapping i think maybe they're trying to slap their five but they're too fat to like turn their wrist that much so just like go like they got the opposite of john mccain's injury where they can't reach down below their belly

yeah yeah this is this is more effort I guess yeah to go in and out like that mm-hmm yeah first take was basically just us that's like the last buddy movie what first take the Stephen a smile yeah each other it's like it's it's that's the last like we don't have buddy movies anymore but so that's like rush hour now because they tried with part in the interruption and they're like well Tony Korsh Kornheiser kornheiser he's just like too jewish so we can't get the rage out of it yeah yeah yeah it's just too complaining so we need to get the guy who made up a rumor that troy was like a gay pedophile for no reason so i could sell a book skip bail has gotten so much trouble

for that tweet about one about the the bull Bills player that died on the field, basically. Oh, what did he tweet? I didn't see it. He tweeted like, it wasn't really that bad. Do we really have to stop the game? Yeah. Because this is a really important game. He was like, this is horrible, and it's bad, and he looks like he's dead.

But are we really going to stop the game over this? Right. It's a big game. And then he goes, but maybe we should and then it was just one of those where you like said he canceled out everything he said and then by the end of the tweet you're like equals zero i don't know what you mean were you yelling this into your like dictation like in your phone and tweeted it yeah his name should be skip say less very good if you ask me hell yeah woo now we're rolling baby we start making out

hell yeah skip and the it's the our longest episode is all of spucking each other doing actual

I'm riding man it starts with me yeah we're like a human centipede we formed a wheel and we're rolling around the room I was gonna say

about Miyazaki yes who's one of the I was going to say about Miyazaki. Yes. If you don't know who Miyazaki is, he made all the best. Studio Ghibli. Yeah, Studio Ghibli or whatever the hell it is. My Neighbor Tortoro and Ponyo and all the other ones. Spirited Away. All the things that Kevin, Devin has no idea what we're saying.

Like Prince Makazaki or what is it Princess Morizaki yeah it's Princess Miniko or something Minoko yeah Motorola something like that yeah all my

all my white friends love that shit so anyway in the documentary they ask Mr. Miyazaki what do you do this is how depressed he is what do you do

in your spare time and he's like oh and he opens and he's like, oh, let me show you. And he opens a, and he's like, he's always, he always like has a cigarette in his hand because he's just, just anything that can kill him. Like, I would love to introduce him to other things that could kill him besides cigarettes. So they would never leave his hands either.

Like nerds rope or something. Oh, he'd be 400 pounds in a week if you told him like all this america he would get american food flown in yeah to his house he's almost that guy where he's so depressed he can't enjoy like food or candy he doesn't enjoy anything yeah he's so depressed he's let me let me show you my hobby and he opens a a photo album that he he takes every year he takes photos of all the buildings and houses in his town and he he wants to see them change through the years right actually yeah he compares these like this building was torn down because the man died and he's just going through this like he's like in this building used to i used to you know go there with my dad and it's gone now. The city's changed.

Then you just go through the years and you can just see the city changing. All these buildings that were once there that are now gone. The memories and the dreams of men all built only to be washed away with the toils of

financial business. It's this big deal. It's like, just go make another cartoon, retard. Because then he goes to work, he's like, what if a fish ate waffles? What if we made a movie about that? It's the waffle fish.

What if it's a big waffle fish? He's great though, right? They're actually good, the things he makes? Sure, but they're like good the things he makes sure but i like they're like magical or whatever but here's the thing about people that are obsessed with studio ghibli is he studio ghibli is very good but it's like you know there's other stuff too right you can you can and like this and other things this doesn't have to be your personality essentially the same thing with disney movies they're very good and these other things are also

good right you don't just you don't just like one thing when you're young and you never like anything else again yeah seems like a lack of intelligence well if you really like harry potter when you're 14 and then you stop emotionally maturing at all you're still a 14 year old when you're fucking 35 god i'm so i'm so glad she tweeted all that stuff so everybody everybody we went to college with everybody you wanted to fuck was obsessed with harry potter i know and now they like hate harry potter right because like she's she said some normal things the amount of like guys at a christian college trying to get pussy and they had to watch nine harry potter movies in a row what was the worst thing she said she's

like it trans people don't know what it's like to have a period. And everyone's like, that's true, but you're a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

She's bad, I guess, for that. She's like the Joker to these people. She's like sowing dissent and chaos in the world by tweeting that. It was funny because the year before she started tweeting, she's like, by the way, Dumbledore was gay. And then like a year later,

she's like, but he's a pedophile. Like all gay people are. Oh, is that really kind of what she was tweeting? No, no. the way dumbledore was gay and then like a year later she's like but he's a pedophile like all gay people are oh is that really kind of what you know she's just one of these people that's like i don't get it i'm a classical liberal yeah i'm very progressive right why every time i open my mouth do quote-unquote liberal people get mad at me yeah and she keeps trying to clarify her statement and she keeps digging a hole for herself she doesn't get it she doesn't get it that she's a billionaire and everybody hates her because

she's a billionaire yeah just whatever she fucking says yeah nobody wants to hear it yeah go like just go on a private island and kill homeless people anonymously you're you're a fucking target if you're a billionaire you're a fucking target don't open your mouth go away she did the liberal thing where she's like Dumbledore is gay and everybody's like hooray and then she's like you know I have some opinions about trans people and she got like one blowback and she's like well this will be the rest of my life

is changing my opinion about trans people more and more because I got blowback for the first time in my career I think also on con like obviously yeah she's a narcissist when it comes to that stuff obviously but i think unconsciously since these people are such big narcissists they say something that gets them the most amount of tension they've really ever got in their career right and so they keep doing that thing no over and over and over again they can't stop. They get addicted to it.

Jordan Peterson had so many things to say about the world and story and things before he made all those statements about C-16 in Canada. That's the thing that blew him up. And then he seemed to like, it became like this weird psychosis where it was like all anybody talked to him about,

all the media talked to him about all the media talked to him about and all of a sudden it became the only issue he seemed to like care about and stand for right and it rotted his brain he went insane yeah and there's no way to like intelligently like talk about that you can't just be like oh you know it's gross you know right like that's it yeah i mean jordan peterson's wearing like like twitter suits now right what the hell was that he's wearing like he's wearing suit he's wearing, like, Twitter suits now, right? What the hell was that? He's wearing, like, a blue suit? He's wearing tweets. It was a bunch of tweets?

Mm-hmm. What did they all say? Well, so first of all, Devin, first of all, the tie had little Elon heads on it. Right. Ooh, I like that. And then the suit's a Twitter blue. He's wearing tweets just from the Barstool Sports account. Just different tweets that sayurdays are for the boys

yeah just bets just over unders yeah i don't i mean the and then you open the lining of the suit on the inside were a bunch of tweets that's that's really crazy to do wild the fit was fire though yeah yeah what is The fit was bussin'. J.K. Rowling's gonna wear a suit made of just severed cocks. It's made out of foreskins. Sewn together. Yeah.

It looks like chain mail. So she came out and she started, like, just, like, rewriting Harry Potter on Twitter. She's like, actually, and Harry was at the Capitol. Like, yeah, she was basically altering the,

how would you say it, Jace? The canon. The canon. She was significantly altering. She was basically, like if she was God, she was doing like, actually Jesus wasn't born in a manger. Jesus was born in a hospital

because he was born as a white man and he had medical privileges when he was born. She was because he was born as a white man and he had medical privileges when he was born. She was just retroactively changing. This is all different now. You can't make it that this old wizard just was getting fucked in his ass the whole time. It's also not significant to the plot whatsoever.

Yeah, I would love if she tweeted like that. She's like, by the way, Dumbledore loved huge cocks. He loved getting cummed in and then walking around with the cum inside of him for like days. She's like, and Hermione is an annoying bitch online. And then theater kids that just like when they go to Denny's, they all stand up and start doing the Grease reenactment. By the way, have you seen those videos? Do you want to get, Devin,

do you want to get really mad? Oh, I want to be set off right now. Set me off. Devin, you want to, this is one of the worst things I've ever seen. You're talking about a group of theater kids like after their final show

in the wild, just destroying an entire environment. Theater kids, the fucking, the Brita filter for funny. an entire environment. Theater kids, the fucking,

the Brita filter for funny. This, this is infuriating. Oh my God. Pause it. Yeah. See, this is, if only they accepted Elliot Rogers into their Denny's TikTok theater group,

he wouldn't have killed all those women at the sorority. I do want the cook to come out with just oil from the fry machine and just throw it over the whole crowd. The cook is like, motherfucker, I'll tell you more. Dude,

you know it'd be great if one of the last World War II veterans goes out to his old Cadillac, just shovels out there, opens his trunk, and pulls out a Tommy gun. And he looks at it,

and he's like, I used this gun to kill Hitler. And he just walks in and just fully strapped. His bifocals are rattling off of his head. He's just bruising his stomach and killing him. It's blowing him into the wall.

He's 4'3 from scoliosis. He looks like an upside down umbrella. he looks like an upside down like umbrella there's a he's shaped like a cane I'll tell you more I'll tell you there's a dap doing the gay songs at me

there's a dying bald man in one of the booths he's making a happy face with his bacon and he presses a button and a machine gun pops out of his trunk and mows all these kids down There's a dying bald man in one of the booths. He's making a happy face with his bacon, and he presses a button, and a machine gun pops out of his trunk and mows all these kids down at the end of Breaking Bad. Eat lead, faggot.

Eat lead. They're all trying to dance away Moons over my Hammy my ass I'll give you a rude and tune fresh and fruity Your fruitcake Oh my god this is infuriating Video I love New York a Star Wars shirt

Well you see all the waitresses Who are getting you know they're gonna have to Divide the check by 97 By the way, yeah, if this is in any other state besides California, the waitresses are making

85 cents an hour. A lot of these states, they make like a dollar. Yeah, and they have to hope these little faggots tip, which they're not. Oh,

they're not at all. They're not tipping. Some of these kids are, half of these kids are pulling $10 out of their sock and like laying it on the table and it's like soaking wet.

They tip in kindness. They think this performance was the tip. Right. They probably do. We have no money, but would you accept a nice show tune? There's a family on TikTok that they're the singing family.

Oh, I've seen these fuckers. God. God damn it. I want the whole family to get cancer. I don't want to be the show that just watches TikTok stuff, but I feel like I kind of have to pull this up too. Pull it up.

Pull it up. It's truly brutal. Pull it up, Ben. We only watched 11 seconds of this, and it made us violently angry. Oh, it's only 27 seconds long, and we're not going to make it to the end of it. No, we can't.

It's funny because the video below was the Denny's Grand Slam, which is one of my favorite things of all time. What is that? It's like a hardcore show below was the Denny's Grand Slam, which is one of my favorite things of all time. What is that? It's like a hardcore show they do at Denny's. And it's like a hardcore band and a guy's just like, what the fuck is up? What the fuck is up, Denny's? And it's like 21-year-old skinny kids like throwing their bodies at each other. And it's just like...

I love that. Oh, I think it's called the Sharp Family Singers. I'm pretty sure. I think there's a couple of competing retard families that do this. Right. Jason, these retards in the thumbnail look like the ones that do it. I gosh, I can't. I blacked it out of my eyes.

But they go to like an ice cream shop right now. You like Eternal Sunshine yourself every time you open TikTok. Yeah, yeah. I just started melting my brain through tyranny of will i'll see if it's these people do family singing um ice cream shop oh yeah because that's the one i really hate that's the one i really hate where they're just like cruelly they're singing their order yes that's it that's it that's it right there it is the sharp family singers yes okay here we go It is the Sharp Family Singers. Yes.

Okay, here we go. Can I have some ice cream? Ice cream. Ice cream. Strawberry. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream.

Pretty. Pretty. Please. Please. Get that? One more time. One more time. One more time, everybody. They're holding up the line.

There's a line going out the door. There's a line. There's like an Indian woman waiting, and they're holding her up. It's like an old woman yeah there's like a black guy in the corner like wait till i tell the rest of the guys about apparently white white people have formed barber shops in their own families you see a barber shop quartets you see a black guy just cracking his knuckles a black a black guy like with a piff helmet like he's like studying yeah he's studying animals in the safari yeah that's what chris benoit had his family doing the night before

sing the ice cream so everywhere they go they make people making like seven dollars an hour watch them sing their entire order for tiktok yeah they're like the the family they're the adam scott family from stepbrothers where they're singing in the car yeah it's like let's literally come to life they're literally like ruining teenagers like months you know yeah like that that employee's gonna go in the back and like cut his wrist with like the ice cream scooper just dig it into his flesh 13 reasons why no if i if this happened to me because i was working at a froyo shop in high school, I'm like, should have just worked at Hot Topic.

Should have just worked at Spencer's Gifts or something. I can't do this shit anymore. Everybody's too depressed to do this. They can't sing My Chemical Romance. Dude, please, can I have a fart machine? Please, can I have some edible undies? Do you have the Chucky the Doll t-shirt? Where his bride has huge titties?

Please, give me the Jared Leto Joker t-shirt. I need Tally smoking a bong. They're going to have to update that store, by the way, for all the fucked up demented people now that would they should start attracting to hot topic if they want to live if i came to the hot topic corporate i'd be like we we need a manassian shirt who's that alex manassian the youtube shooter uh the guy no the the guy who uh drove over a bunch of people they made that song alex manassian he was like one of the first like migtow guys who killed a bunch of people. They made that song, Alec Manassian.

He was one of the first MGTOW guys who killed a bunch of people because he hated women. And he couldn't get laid. But he was actually kind of good looking. Oh, so you're saying you weren't... I'm thinking of Elliot Rodger, maybe. I mixed up Elliot Rodger and Alex Manassian. Elliot Rodger didn't drive over anybody, I don't think. He shot him.

Yeah. But... They're all the same. Alex Manassian. I don't know. I don't know this guy. I don't know him. Look him up. Is that too deep of a cut? same. Alex Manassian. I've never, I don't know. I don't know this guy. I don't know him. Look him up.

Is that too deep of a cut? Yeah, Alex Manassian. Yeah, we don't. I think Alex Manassian. He sounds like he killed some people with a ceramic lion out front of his shitty home. Yeah, did he drown people in his fountain, in his lawn? 2018 Toronto van attack. A domestic terrorist vehicle ramming truck occurred on April 28, 2018

when a rented van was driven through Toronto. The driver, 25-year-old Alec Manassian, targeted pedestrians, killing 11 and injuring 15, some critically. He died of suicide by cop. It was misogynist terrorism because it was motivated by revenge for perceived sexual and social rejection by women.

Yeah, so he became sort of a leader of incel rebellion. He was inspired by Elliot Roger. Okay, so that's how the two are connected. Sorry, I forgot my retard history. I need to have a refresher. Definitely Alec Manassian. Definitely killed 25 people with a car. Definitely.

Like Rain Man. He's like, he's Rain Man for like incels. He's like, Chevrolet Express van, kill baby! But they need to like start putting these guys on shirts and Hot Topic. Right. You want incel Hot Topic is what you're saying. Like a guy goes in and he's like, do you have the suit Jordan Peterson

wears? Do you guys have a George Floyd minion? Like over the speakers, they should just be playing Lemon Party at Spencer's Gifts. They're selling Lemon Party on vinyl. Like it's an

Urban Outfitters. Like it's the good shit. Yeah, the good. They're like're like dude we got that good shit best of racism bits yeah they have like the singles of certain bits right yeah on on vinyl like the singles like the small like the records that play like four minutes yeah they're like we have who goes there full um the five minute guys are like timing guys are timing it up with the Joker movie

like it's dark side of the moon dude if you if you start if you if you start retard Hitler right when Joker

first dances it matches up perfectly with the movie right when he shoots De Niro Ben Scream laughs and shits himself. I'm going to shit myself on the show eventually, though. Yeah, that could be another Patreon.

I've always wanted to shit myself. Yeah. I think I already talked about this on the show. I'll shit. I'll put on a diaper and shit it in at 200,000. Yeah. We could all do that. We could all three put on diapers, like eat all day, not shit for a couple days.

Yeah. Like just, you know, fill them and then do a whole episode. So, you know, I went, I actually did go piss piss in a diaper once. I actually pissed a diaper. As an adult? When you were a baby. When I was, I was really drunk on New Year's and I thought it'd be funny to put on an adult diaper and then go out in front of everybody at my buddy's house.

Like as people are like counting down and I'm like, God, lick. And I start piss, I start filling my diaper with piss. And they go,

I got adult diapers at Goodwill that day. I got a huge, like, it was already open. At Goodwill, they were used. They were used.

It was already open, but they were diapers that were fresh. Like, clearly an old woman or man died. Before they got to shit in them. Someone could have really used the diapers.

I bought them for like $1.50 and brought the big diaper. This was a time where you maybe had $45 in your bank account. You had no money. I was high on a bunch of Adderall and something else. I think it might have been Vyvanse or something. I don't know. I was really drunk. Vyvanse is really good.

Oh, it's great. Vyvanse is great. I've taken Vyvanse before. It's like Adderall, but better somehow, right? Yeah, Vyvanse is probably the best drug experience I've ever had. Not that you should do drugs. But they rule. It rules when you do drugs. But they rule.

It rules when you do them. I took Vyvanse and I go, oh, this is how everyone should feel all the time. Yeah. It felt great. But anyway, regardless, don't do Vyvanse. Don't do drugs. It's gay. It's better to be sober. Or do them and ruin your life.

Who cares? Do whatever the hell you want. I took Adderall once and I literally thought I was like god and i started writing on the wall of my apartment i started writing notes to myself that was like confidence equals energy equals money you turn into fucking david coggins on adderall dude i turned into like kanye where i was like nobody knows what i've been fucking dealing with nobody knows but it's just like me like i'm like i cleaned all the cheetos out of my couch and i duct taped over the worn hole in one of the cushions. I got to say, Adderall kicks in.

Yeah, you're just really high on Adderall, just vacuuming yourself. You're like, no, I'm on the next level. Right. They don't even understand what I'm going to do next. They do not even understand what I'm capable of, and I'm just snow shoveling the dried cum out of my bedroom floor.

Oh, like you're snowed in? Yeah. He's snowed in his room? Yeah, it's once every two years I finally get completely snowed in in my room, and I have to take an Adderall to get out of it. It's like you open the door and it's a wall of cum, like those viral videos. Where someone's pushing, you got to push one of those motorized carts that's shooting the snow somewhere else.

But it's just shooting the cum against your wall. I'm hitting it with a flamethrower so it melts before I vacuum it up. Yeah, just turning up the heat in your apartment so the cum melts again. And then you just mop it. You just have a mop and a squeegee. Yeah, like guys getting rid of like a thousand spider webs, hitting it with a flamethrower.

Yeah. But anyway, I pissed in a big diaper in front of everybody. Hell yeah. And I was like, I've been lit. And I'm like. Everybody lit. I'm like. You yell out everybody lit.

I look like Michael Moore in Team America when he's like. Hey, Team America. You have the hot dog. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, everybody. America and I think Katie turned she had like a drink in her hand and she's like oh my god just like holding the bird in her nose like What the fuck is wrong? You wore a diaper. You bought it at Goodwill. You wore an antique diaper. Yeah, you know what I mean.

You like it? 19-footer. That's real oak. Yeah, the diaper's so old, the packaging has blackface on it. There's a big mammy face on it. Been saving this dap-dap for a rainy day. This is a 1947.

I'm about to try to crack it. These are my great... I broke that one. These are my great granddaddy's dick dicks. Oh my god. It's a post war diaper.

There's a limited amount of these. You opening the diaper and mobs fly out of it. I have to uncork it somehow to get the diaper to open. You blowing it off like an old treasure map. Yeah, like it's the Jumanji board game. You're like, oh. Dust and shit flying everywhere.

I don't like, I don't like ever having fun. I saved this type diaper like a rainy day. I saved this type type for a rainy day. For a rainy day. Like, I'm in sideways and it's like,

at the end when I open up the good bottle. Yeah. Eating it out of a burger stand. Yeah, I collect diapers.

You guys, you guys smell the notes in this type type? Yeah, yeah. Katie comes over and like, well, you have a 67 Pampers? You know that's about to.

I think that's already peaked. You got to open that now. Oh, my gosh. Just like, just like. You smell. I'm getting notes of Polyurethane And Bril cream A little

Bengay Is that vanilla? Bergamot? I'm getting I think this was used I'm getting The shit from the old Coke that had heroin in it

Is that strawberries? So anyway I'm just like, and everyone's like, what are you doing? Because people can't even tell what I'm doing. I'm like, and my diaper is swelling with this.

Was it starting to... Oh my this. Was it starting to hang? Oh my God! Was it starting to hang? I'm wearing no shirt, by the way. I'm completely naked besides the diaper. Was it starting to hang with the piss? So yeah, as I'm pissing, I feel it expanding. And then I hear it like that.

And it flips like that. And it's about to drop off. Because I'm pissing for like two minutes because I've been drinking a lot. I'm pissing way too much. I mean, I'm unloading in this thing. And right when the thing on this side, I remember it snapping open

and I grabbed it real quick before my dick and my balls fell out. And I had to hold it and I think, where's the dick? Right. Because I'm still holding a beer i'm just like leaking piss through this guy's living room like hopping over a chair like running into the bathroom and i think i stood in a shower and let the diaper fall and just piss went everywhere i I'm going to piss myself.

I love it. I thought you were still like, well, they can't see my dick and balls. I need to maintain my dignity. Oh, my God. Happy New Year. And the bad guy spins. He's shaking. He's shaking.

I'm also at my friend's like boogie night style house in texas he has like a beautiful pool and like a palm tree and stuff wait was this after college this was this at travis's house and this was post-college i was like 25 maybe 24 23 24 it was like getting It was getting really sad. It was near the end. We were halfway to 30. You're old enough to rent a car. I probably wasn't an alcoholic. I was just a retard. I'm just not allowed to drink because I'm too retarded. The fact that Katie stayed with you means something's wrong with her. She's ill.

She's very damaged. I saved this diaper for a rainy day I caught a falling star and put it in my pocket I literally was crying no and a different

kind of woman would have like William H. Macy'd me that scene in Boogie Nights when he goes out to the car to get the gun

Katie should have walked out to the car with a loaded revolver and walked in and just shot me in the diaper and it explodes and pee goes everywhere Katie should have done that yeah yeah revolver and walked in and just shot me in the diaper and explodes and pee goes everywhere.

Katie should have done that. Yeah, yeah. Katie should have killed me and then shot herself in front of everybody. But she shoots you and then everybody starts cheering. Woo! Katie walks in a room. Five, four, three. Happy New Year!

Katie turns. You're taking a shit on Nina Hartley's face. Yeah, bitch. turns you're taking a shit on nina hartley's face yeah ben she walks in and ben's fucking the diaper later poopy nights that kicks ass the image of you poopy nights i know it's the it's the puppet shaking. It's the puppet shaking. It is! It is! And everyone turns, they go, what is going on? I'm like, I'm pissing myself! It's shaking! It's acting! It's awesome!

It's awesome! By the way, I don't think a single person laughed. I don't think a single. I think everyone was absolutely terrified. And everyone was just like. I remember surprising everybody. Like coming out like, oh, this will be a great gag right before the new year. I love you.

I love you so much. Maybe I should start drinking again. I love you so much maybe I should start drinking again I love you so much there were so there were so many funny moments oh my god oh fuck

I gotta I gotta relax Jesus Christ Ben oh no my head hurts I know do you remember

the time Ben what did I wasn't there but I heard about Ben was doing when he was still drinking like a shitty bar show and it was like

a terrible show and Ben walked on stage and just did a full front flip and landed on his back to start to start the show Ben was like hey everybody and then like whoop I tripped and did a back flip and landed

on my back and ate shit really hard it was a really bad bar show it was a front flip it was a really bad bar show I don't know some rich area in LA and everybody was bombing then they were like oh they loved me after that

you like killed that's the reason your back is fucked up to this day right ben would always like drive to my house like after like some some set of his and he he would he'd be of course hold like double fisting beers like holding the steering wheel as he drove yeah to my place and he'd come in and he would tell me a story like that all the time you You'd always tell me like, I went on stage and I pulled my flaccid cock out and then I got cum cum in my diapy.

God, that was so... Cum cum in my diapy, man. You used to do a bit. I used to just say, I got cum cum in my diapy. I got cum cum in my diapy. Remember when you fuck with the open mic uh this guy handed you the open mic okay you had a big beef with this like retard in the comedy scene sure i mean many of them

tried to cancel me constantly yeah they call me homophobic and racist and then like he's racist and you're doing the come come in my dive dive bit and he had an open mic that he really cared about people would defend me by being like he's not hateful he's just a retard right yeah you're trying to cancel

the guy from Of Mice and Men people literally who are on Saturday Night Live now I remember commenting under people's Facebook posts

trying to cancel me like he's just a retard yeah leave him alone he's kind hearted he has his head he has his heart in the right place.

God damn it, he's a retard, though. I do agree. Listen, everybody knows he's a goddamn retard. Everybody knows that. I'll give you that.

I'll give you he's a goddamn retard, but I mean, he's not racist. He's a retard. Wait, let's not shoot a retard horse in the mouth.

No, people would stand in front of the angry mob. They're like, look at the man. He can't help himself. Look at him. And you're shaking. I'm in the diaper just shaking. There's just an angry mob with torches and pitchforks and stuff.

Everyone in the comedy scene was like, Ben's stuck at the top of a water tower again. The fire department would have to rescue me from a bit. That was bombing. Third time today, Ben was rescued by the fire department. We left Ben in the bathtub overnight and he got too cold. He's just fucking Gilbert Grape.

Do you know what i was talking about what was the open mic that you the guy that hated you he couldn't he ran the open mic well me and connor took over the open mic that's right we were really really fucked up that's right and when he like went outside for a cigarette we just took it out we were hosting and he came back inside and saw yeah and he hated both of us so much and we were just hosting his basically his show and he was standing in the crowd like around me and he was are you fucking kidding me are you fucking kidding me and you guys are just up there like come come pee pee yeah you were a mad man you kicked so much ass yeah you still do but god you were crazy you were but i would have died if i kept drinking like i don't think i was an alcoholic but i was just i

would get the you were a star that was burning too bright but do you do you understand the thoughts i have and the things i want to say you know how many filters I run it through sober before anything? And I still say stuff that it's like, how did you even get there? How did you even think that? Imagine me and what the filter's got. You were, well, it ain't that bad. Then it becomes, I'm like Willy Wonka. You just need to curb it.

You were also incredibly depressed. You guys were living in shitty places. But yeah, you should be sober. But I'm just saying, it wasn't like you had a decade where I was like, oh, Ben's an alcoholic. I had like seven years of being drunk every night. There were weird

life circumstances with that, though. Right, not alcoholics. I was drunk every night. For seven years. But when you're in a bad, when you're in a rut being an alcoholic, you can't quite tell if the guy's an alcoholic or he's choosing alcohol to ignore the rut. I also went like you would go Joker

mode like you would just be like burn it all down you would be standing outside like kind of hunchback like holding like a warm beer and you guys see that grin on your face and you'd be you'd be talking to some guy and they'd be telling you like a really personal thing and you'd be like because you're a pedophile

just chug like a warm IPA right I don't really recognize you as a human being. Because I'm drunk. I think the only fight we ever got was when you were drunk. That's funny. I don't remember what about. We got in some dumb fight about comedy or something. Probably.

I remember you grabbed cheeseburgers and whipped them away from people. Oh, I got really fucked up in Portland once and I ran people were people were eating on uh there was this restaurant where people eat like on a school bus or something yeah because it's portland yeah yeah it's just people are eating on a bus for some reason but it costs like 80 more than a regular restaurant yeah because they just took out this they took out the seats and like face them together and put little tables between them right and uh when i ran i was really drunk because i just bombed my ass off really bad at like one of the

biggest shows i mean ate the entire time yeah i mean a real a real stinker real stinker where i was brought up as sorry another white guy on the show that drove all the way here from LA. 17 hours. Sorry everybody. We'll have to sit through this now. I'm like what the fuck? I'm like six months into stand up. I don't know how to follow the armor from Rust. Right.

Yeah. Hannah Gutierrez Reed. And so I eat shit. But basically I get really fucked up after. And I'm on this bus. And it's a bus that only, they only serve grilled cheeses for some reason. Yeah. And I'm really broke.

And I want another grilled cheese. And I see a guy who's like a retard. Who's like a guy that's like, yeah, it's like, I mean, it's like lo-fi, but it's like garage punk. Yeah. But like their new stuff always kind of sucks. Human beanie he's wearing like a cowboy hat and camo pants right he's like i don't know what he is he has like a he has like a black lives matter tattoo he's fencing he's got a fencing sword yeah he's

he's in a submarine a wes anderson character just standing up front no guys in portland like straight up just dress up like they're in the boy scouts yeah A Wes Anderson character standing up front. No, guys in Portland straight up just dress up like they're in the Boy Scouts. With high socks. They're like, it's a suit made of vegan cheese. This guy turned around for a second when I was

walking down the bus. I decided to just start sprinting. Start I'm just running. Like Terminator 2. Yeah, yeah. Do the disarm thing. And then when the guy turns around as I'm running to

look at something, I just grab his grilled cheese off of his plate and I just start running like this. Oh my god! My friend is with me. Terrified. You stole a guy's grilled cheese I stole a guy's like $14 grilled cheese sandwich I feel bad about this

I got I was really drunk You were wild You were a wild boy I needed another grilled cheese Damn it And this guy was a retard You were a wild boy

You were a wild boy I need a grilled cheese It is funny to be like I need a I stole something more I stole something more That's me and AA Yeah

I stole a grilled cheese From a retard in Portland one time. I stole a good cheese from a retard in a Monica. I stole grilled cheese from a Civil War reenactor in Portland once. Dude, and I'm literally just doing this. I'm just running. I'm just like. And I remember running out of the bus, i'm just like i'm taking bites of the oh my god just biting and like trying to get rid of the evidence as i'm running down the middle

of the street and like cops are like downtown portland like just like dodging cars and stuff taking bites of the sandwich i'm like almost choking i'm like putting all my math and like licking my lips and you're just like turning and looking back I'm taking bites of the sandwich. I'm almost choking. I'm like, cut. Putting it all in my mouth. I'm licking my lips. And they're just turning and looking back. And then I just went down a suburban street and went in someone's backyard. And then I kind of remember just being... You don't know.

How did you get saved? I'm like, oh, I'm in someone's... I'm just staring at someone's back door. Yeah. I should maybe head towards the light. Yeah, I should maybe like I could definitely towards the light Yeah, I could definitely get shot I Could 100% die in this situation you were fucking wild like you you you would also like have

Obviously not stories like where I stole like I didn't do like crazy Is actually you did a Duty and you're a mayor's he did your goofy. It was actually, you did a duty. Your duty as an American. You were a 24-7 clown. That's what you were. Yeah, you really were. But also, you would have incredible moments of lucidity and wisdom while drunk out front and just break people's characters down and say really wise things.

And then you'd go on stage and you'd be like, happy Honda days, everybody. And you just do a four minute bit about the sounds of your farts or something. Yeah, and you'd always have, anytime you got booked on a show, you'd always have some weird idea. Like, what if I fucking pierce my dick?

Yeah, you know what I mean? It was like, Ben's always booked on, oh, Ben's got a big show this Saturday. Oh, good thing he drank 15 beers right before and he's going on stage with the fucking, like,

with the arrow, like, hat where the arrow's sticking in his head or whatever. Ben would come up to you and be like, so hear me out, I'm booked on this huge show.

What if I go up with a Hitler mustache? Remember when you wore the I'm gay shirt? Is this yours? That's mine, yeah. That's what I got really canceled for. I wore a shirt that the I'm gay shirt? Is this yours? That's mine, yeah. That's what I got really canceled for. I wore a shirt that said I'm gay.

Ben wore a shirt that said I'm gay at an open mic. But I hung out with gay people. No, it was at a party. It was a big comedy party. Everyone was totally okay with you. There was just one person that realized they could make a thing of it. And then the next day they went on Facebook and tried to make a thing of it. Right.

Somebody who I remember, Devin, you said dressed like the green M&M. Yes. Yes. They wore it with the bow tie and yeah they literally looked like an M&M yeah yeah they looked like a fucking Jeff Dunham puppet tried to cancel you I remember one time at the like that fucking it was like a show in somebody's apartment but they would get like fucking 80 people in there like packed in and Ben had this extended bit where he's like I'm gonna take my sweater off halfway through my set and it's gonna have come written across my shirt and like big sharpie and then like i'm gonna do another minute of stand-up and i'm gonna take the shirt off and

then come is written on my chest yeah and then a minute later i'm gonna turn around and come is also written on my back and i watched him do this to silence. Complete silence in a very small apartment filled with like maybe 60 people. While Mark Norman was watching you. And then they're like,

oh, we have a surprise guest, Mark Norman. And then Mark Norman walks on. I'm like, well, okay, well. And Mark Norman just kind of did the same set

but with better writing. He's like, I'm gay, come. Hey, come, comedy. Hey, come, I'm gay. I'm Kevin Hart, goodbye. And I was like, maybe six and a half months into doing open mics. I was like, well, I guess maybe this isn't for me. The brilliance of Ben is he had to do five minutes to get to that.

And he bombed the entire five minutes. And he's like, I'm still going to do this. I'm going down with the ship. The kid had incredible commitment. I always admired you. Confidence for no reason. He treated it like it was like American History X for retards. You're like, you see this?

It means come out of my bath. You're like Bruce Cassidy. You're like, gotta go out shooting. Yeah, it's like a freeze frame. A freeze frame. Holding his cum shirt out. Before Silver Lake librarians just blow him away. People would plead with me constantly.

They're like, you're better than this. Oh, I know. You have to know you're better than this. You're so much smarter. What is wrong with you? And then they'd go up, they'd be like, here's the thing about Trump. Everybody wants Trump to release his taxes.

Folks, I'm afraid he's going to release the Kraken. And then afterwards, they just get off stage. They start scolding me. I'm like, well, you're doing. Right. You're literally doing knock-knock jokes about Trump. Yeah, they're like, Ben, you can do better than that. If you excuse me, I'm going to go rape that 21-year-old.

They're like telling Ben he could do better than that while blocking the door for a woman yeah blocking the door and be like do you want to talk about Bernie Sanders in my room real quick I think you do guys I want you to follow at American Gwen that's A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N-G-W-Y-N and why

may you ask? Because he has a sub stack. And it's about Blood Meridian. It's devoted to Blood Meridian. It's called The Night Does Not End. Go to the link in the description for his sub stack. He is a novelist, a college professor, and a Lemon Party fan. And seems really smart.

I've DM'd with him a lot. I love this guy. He's been a fan of Hatewatch for a while. There you go. He's written me some of the most intelligent comments I've had.

So there you go. He has good taste in comedy so you know he's funny. Yeah. And you know he's smart. I love a guy who's that smart who also fucks with like stuff like this.

Yes, because that's a true sign of intelligence. Being able to not be such an asshole that you can't enjoy things. Being able to publish a paper and then also be like,

I go cum cum in my dive dive is funny. He's devoted his life to teaching students how to write the next great American novel. And then when he gets in his car, he just cranks up. He cranks me up going retard yeah he's rolling his windows he plays a podcast that would get him fired from his job if people hurt if anybody overheard it at all yeah uh but anyway it's called the night does not end the link is in the bio uh follow american

gwen his name is aaron gwen. It's a sub stack about blood breeding. Give it a shot. I think a lot of that stuff, it has audio on it too. So it's like if you're dying for more audio to listen to about novels. As far as I know, he's a genuinely incredibly intelligent guy. The things he's sent me have been some of the more interesting messages I've ever received. I read something he wrote in Esquire too. He's very good. He's a good writer.

He's a good writer. So follow him. As much as all those guys suck that we hung around a few years that made us just want to kill ourselves, good thing we never got into improv because that is a whole different batch of guys that we've had a few dealings with. Yeah. But holy shit. You don't like improv?

You don't like improv guys? You don't like improv guys? You don't like that? You don't like improv guys you don't like that you don't like guys who order a beer by going hello madam I wonder if this

weary traveler could throw down a coin for an old ale you don't like going to a show where they're on stage there's like a like a thing

where there's a window and a guy pops his head out of the window and then everybody laughs and no one has any clue why yeah you don't like somebody tapping into a scene and going out of the window and then everybody laughs and no one has any clue why. Yeah, you don't like somebody tapping into a scene

and going, that's my son. Yeah. Improv is literally just like, you might as well be like Eddie Cantor. Might as well be 1923. You might as well just be

going on stage like, hello my dolly, hello my daddy, hello my ragtime gal. One time me and Jace were like really drunk at a party on a rooftop in LA. And this improv... God, this is bringing me back. This improv troupe was there.

You might have been there. This is making me want to force feed you Jack Daniels right now. You're hazing me? Dude, I'm like, I'm sick of the nachos. I'm sick of the Trader Joe's fucking chow mein I'm sick of the rooibos tea let's get you fucked up yeah you're just

shoving a bottle down his throat I'm holding him down get us a hundred thousand did you see the there's comments where they're genuinely like dude just like

break your sobriety like is there gonna be an episode in the future where you guys just like hurry up and do that people are pleading with me to not do it and some people really want to. Yeah, it's just to do it.

You got the good guy on your shoulder to the bad guy. But I will drink like 60 O'Douls if we hit 100,000. Yeah, that counts. We talked about it. We'll do that. You're saying you were on my apartment building, the one I was living in. You did live in that apartment building. I lived in an apartment building with a guy I later figured out was fucking a 17-year-old.

That's right. Yeah. Who lived next door. Yeah, he's fucking a high school girl. Yeah. He was sneaking in through the window. I still like that guy. Honestly, I always thought he had a sweetheart.

Yeah. I'll say cool dude. He had a kind heart. No, he took me to the airport. I mean, say what you want about the guy. He had a sweet little dog. He gave me one of his last beers one night. I think that's a cool guy.

He loved his dog. He confessed to us one night. He's like, yeah, I fucked that high school girl in the hot tub one night. Yeah, well, no, he was like, dude, I'm fucking depressed. The fucking girl who lives next door won't fuck me anymore. I'm like, you're fucking her? And he was like, yeah, I go, wait, the high schooler? He's like, not anymore, dude.

Your fucking parents got mad at her. And I was like, oh my God. By the way, he's like, context for the story, he's like 38 years old or something. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's old. Yeah, yeah. I was living there literally because i was fucking like mentally

ill they did not know i was in a brutally horrific relationship that was actually like eating me i looked like the king of rohan by the end of this relationship you were so depressed you were like sleeping between your mattress yeah you like two mattresses one mattress you used as a blanket i was like you slept like an ice cream sandwich i was so ashamed to exist i couldn't even expose myself to the air while i slept i had to hide myself away from my furniture uh we we moved to la and within a year all of our lives were getting destroyed from doing from doing from being at open mics constantly from the stand-up talk to people with 60 iqs and every mental illness. They're mentally ill.

They're mentally ill people. Gaslighting you into thinking you're not funny. Telling us not to talk the way we talk right now. This is how we talked. We got practice doing this by hanging outside of open mics talking exactly the way we are right now. This is literally what we did nine years ago. And surrounded by people who are laughing and there's one person who just looks like the Grinch.

Like it's just frowning at us. Some person who looks like It's Pat from SNL is like pissed at us. Yeah, like, well, you guys need to get your shit together. Now, excuse me, I live in the van out in front of the open mic. A guy like wearing a suit who sleeps in his car. Right. Like wearing a beer helmet yeah

somebody's like you guys need to get it together now excuse me i have a go fund me to set up because i haven't had a job in nine years and i live off manipulating people who think they're doing the right thing into paying for my stuff what i do i mainly i try to convince people that the definition of comedy is different than what everyone always thought it was. So what I decided to do, I was very bad at comedy, so what I decided to do was make bombing killing.

I got into comedy to explain to people that Louis C.K. is not funny and never was. Me, I'm like a Joseph Mengele for comedy. I just kind of like rewire things. So stuff together. So stuff together.

So me and my shitty friends are funny. And all the funny people suck. That's what I do. Oh, but if you don't want to talk about comedy, no worries.

I have tons of bad opinions about movies. Which I will. I do have a podcast about it. I will. And I will. Oh, yeah. By the way, I have a podcast about it I will and I will oh yeah

by the way I have 17 podcasts about movies yeah you haven't heard my new podcast about bow ties I hope this is funny

to people yeah it might it might be very LA but uh but this is all I think people people enjoy the shit talking

we're making fun of retards it's what we do these are retards that we know and these are retards that existed. And they're very hateful. They try to ruin people's careers and lives all the time. They're bad people.

On the internet. They have no... Yeah, they still exist. Half of them were me-too'd out of the scene for rape. The other half are like working at their dad's like haunted dealership now. There's like two of them who are still doing comedy and they're like, might as well just be shooting heroin. It's the same effect on their life.

Well, a lot of them actually write on major television shows or are on big networks and have beautiful, buddy careers. But I'm literally 1% of 1%. The other ones, they had to move to Charleston to become homeless. They couldn't afford to be homeless in LA anymore.

Yeah, some of them are living in the Dodge Charger from Charlottesville you know for a long time i thought that guy was chinese i went to like four months ago someone had explained to me the driver the dodge was not a chinese guy do you because he was just bad at driving because you just thought he like accident made a wrong turn you didn't think it was racially i don't know and literally it was a white supremacist rally and there were only white supremacists there and in my head I was still like

Chinese you still thought it was just a guy going like so sorry so sorry still trying to drive out I'm like somehow more racist than the white supremacist driving the car into a crowd of people even the guy driving the car would be like dude what the fuck

that's like fucked up, dude. I mean, I killed three women, but come on. Oh, can we talk about the party we went to where there's a big improv troupe at it that was terrorizing everyone? That was on the roof of my apartment at the time. That was at your place, right? Yeah, I remember that. This bunch, it was Gremlins the new batch. It was a sexy gremlin with a wig and a dress going, ooh.

I'm like, I'm gizmo I'm crawling through the vents with a headband and a bow and arrow that's on fire like killing people there's one gremlin with like sunglasses and a switchblade I mean they're literally singing like like you go downstairs and they're like the Denny's kids yeah they're like they're theater kids essentially I remember I remember this. There's a guy

who's 500 pounds, but somehow wearing a medium shirt. And it's Hawaiian print. It's always Hawaiian print. The buttons are doing this. He looks like a globe. Yeah.

There's always like a human mustard stain at one of these parties. Like he looks like he's in debt to like ketchup. Big ketchup's fucking me, man. He has a credit card for ketchup. He has to pay it off every month. There's like some...

has to pay it off every month. There's like some... There's some woman with scoliosis and her name is Kev for some reason. Yeah, her name's always Kev. Sammy. Sammy, you're Samantha. Cut the shit, tomboy. Do you want to be fucked or not?

You're not Sam, okay? You know who else is Sam? Men. No, it looks like the cast of Doug. People are different colors. It's the Burger King kids club. It's Hey Arnold characters. People are throwing a guy's head around.

He's a football. It's the kids from recess. The black guy has one earring and he has the gerald yeah from hey arnold yeah yeah he's the house he has he's wearing the outfit from house party yeah in 92 and he's not black actually he just got transracial surgery there's some kid there's some kid who smells really bad. He's just playing the trumpet. Like he's in the Jungle Book or something. Like, I want to be like you. And he's just going around the party with this plastic Google and playing it. And he's wearing the LMFAO glasses with the slits that he's looking through.

Yeah, yeah. And when you ask him where the bathroom is, he just goes, Like that. that he's looking through. Yeah, yeah. And when you ask him where the bathroom is, he just goes, bleh, bleh, like that. Dude, I'm gonna piss myself. Shut the fuck up. Two of them are crawling around on the living room floor

going, bleh, bleh, bleh. Yeah. Just making barnyard noises. There's a guy wearing a wood barrel with suspenders on it. Yeah, there's a guy on a horse there. He's on a horse. There's a guy on a horse dressed like a sheriff in cool hand lute. I think at one point we're on the roof, and the big fat guy keeps doing his whole routine where he's like. Yes.

He like looks up and he's like, looks like rain might be coming this way. Yeah, there was clouds. He kept doing like an old southerner. Like licking his finger. I look like a rain around this part. And then I, didn't he fall? We thought he was going to fall off. Well, I remember he was stepping on the roof and it looked like he was stepping on a trampoline

because the roof would like go in wherever he walked. I was like, this guy, this guy might fall through. Like I was severely worried. I think he got to the top of the stairs and like he had to like two hands. They had a two hand. I rememberup. I remember the fire department had to get him off. Yeah, like when a cat gets stuck in a tree. It was rough. I remember him being so drunk at one point,

Jace pulled me close. He's like, what are we gonna do about this guy? We gotta do something. Yeah, I was like, we need a plan. How are we gonna get the fuck out of here? He was pulling root beers from 1946 out of his back pocket. Yeah, he had a flask full of milk he was drinking. I got it.

I'm sorry. He's drinking. You're like, is that whiskey? He's like, it's chocolate. It's choccy milk. It's 2% choccy. Yeah, that's you who. It's a you who.

You try to get away from them and you go into another room and you think it-hoo. It's a you-hoo. Just something, like you try to get away from them and you go into another room and you think it's safe. It's like me and we're listening to music and stuff and then they just bust in and they go, what are you rugrats doing in here?

You try to walk- Oh, the party moved in here, right? And then they start doing like a conga line. Like, they're doing in here a margarita. Like they can never stop. They can never turn it off. There's a guy with- They just never turn it off. They just never turn it off.

There's a guy with a lampshade on his head. You try to escape into another room and they're in the ceiling like Leon the Professional, about to drop down. Oh, fuck. Goddamn. like about to drop down god damn I hate those guys those are some brutal years hate those guys I did a whole year there

and then I lived another year with a Chinese guy who would get drunk and try to kick my ass oh yeah you wake up in the middle of the night he was hovering over your bed

like some sort of shadow creature there was one night well it was yeah you lived with like some sort of shadow creature. There was one night, well, it was- Yeah, you lived with like the ring. It was this Chinese guy with this shaved head and is the battery out? No, I'm making sure we're good on battery. You would come-

Because we're like at hour eight. You would come home like at 3 a.m. after doing mics and you would just like, you would open the door and he'd be in the hallway just like, just like swaying. Oh, God. He'd be like, you got a fucking problem you got a problem with me yeah what the fuck's going on man

he's like I was just stuck in a water tower downtown LA for like three weeks you got a problem with me you got a problem with me that documentary Cecil

with that girl you got a problem with me I sublet Cecil water tower you got a problem you got a problem with me I'm a ghost.

I'm a Japanese ghost. You got a problem with me? I'm the devil. I'm one of Satan's helpers. They call me Mephisto. I'm Mephistopheles. I'm the one who does the devil's bidding, bitch. And I'm Chinese. And I'm at Fistafelis. I'm the one who does the devil's bidding, bitch. And I'm Chinese.

And I'm Chinese. And I'm fucking Chinese, bitch. So just try me. He was shifty. The way you described him, he could move. You would blink and he'd be at one end of the hall. And then he'd blink again and he'd be right in front of you. You blink, there'd be three of them.

And then you blink and they'd disappear. He was a drug addict. He was a drug addict. He smoked like hell. He did hella drugs. I think he did crack and and they disappear. Yeah. He was a drug addict. He was a drug addict. He smoked like hell. He did like hella drugs. I think he did crack and shit, right? Probably. I don't fucking know.

And I think he was like incredibly mentally ill. Yeah. He would take fucking opioids with chopsticks and put them in his mouth. He dipped the opioid in soy sauce

and wasabi first. He ate ginger after he ate the opioids. It cleans the pellet. Rubbing weed hash on rice and then smoking it. Okay, so what happened? Didn't you wake up one night?

I woke up one night. I was like, huh? And then he was just standing over my bed. Like, just like huh and I go I go I can't say his real name at like 3 a.m. right

yeah like it's the middle of the night it's like middle of the night I go Derek what the fuck and he's like what I go get the fuck out of my room and he's like fuck

alright fine and then he like shuffled out of my room and then I like fucking put the chair up against it and then that's insane did you ever

when you talked to him about it what did he say i never talked to him about it he was i was the roommate where i like literally like slip i would like wait by the door to like hear him pass out and i would like slip out the door and i lived there for like a whole fucking year and then one night we figured out that he was like he was like the rent was getting raised he's like dude they dude they're fucking us with this rent because he was the one who'd been like leasing the place for like nine years he's like dude they're fucking us with the rent check this out and it showed the original rent and the increased rent and then we realized the original rent was like a thousand dollars less than what he told us it was so he'd just been pocketing money from us and not paying any rent for like a whole year

so me and like another roommate we both both moved out. Without telling anyone. As you should. As you should, yeah. Did you have a lock on your door? I don't think I did. Fuck, yeah. Because like, yeah, I mean, if you hate, yeah, it was like, there's no way. Yeah, I would have locked it every night, so.

Fuck, what are you doing, Ben? I'm just closing this door. Oh, okay. Yeah. I remember that period of time. I remember dropping you off at that place, and I was like, I don't know what's good. It felt like I was dropping you off at the Citizen Kane house. I know.

My shitty relationship was ending. I had a handlebar mustache at the time. There's this insane Chinese guy. If you want to make fun of me now, I looked like I was dragged out of a river walking around. Yeah, someone fished you out. I caught you on a fishing line. I looked like someone fished you out. I caught you on a fishing.

I looked like the melted guy from RoboCop when the acid falls on him. And what's funny about the handlebar mustache is it's like every guy that has it is so clearly having some sort of identity crisis that some unexplainable thing has happened in their life. They're like handlebar mustache.

Right. Whatever. Let's just do it. Maybe maybe a mullet too. Yeah. I was doing so badly that I was I would be like 2 a.m. and I'd be like googling like what jobs make lots of money googling jobs no training make lots of money how to make money yeah and the internet's like you

could fucking weld underwater i'm like no maybe i'll do that who fucking knows dude who fucking knows all i know is i'm not gonna leave this crazy chinese guy who's trying to kill me in my sleep yeah i don't deserve to do that i'm gonna hustle and grind my way out of the situation i can just absolutely leave yeah i could just walk right out of it at any moment i have the money to do it at any time. We're at an hour 12 here. I feel like if we keep talking, we're just going to reveal fucking rapists. We're going to reveal rapist's name in the

LA comedy community. Hold on, let's pour another drink. I haven't even got to the time I was raped. Well, I guess we've got to do ads. Yeah, we've got to do this too. Unless you want wanna talk about The time you got raped Yeah I did comedy in LA

For about Seven years And artistically I'm gonna take a piss So then we can I gotta pee too Let's wrap it up Okay so Patreon

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