lemonparty - 014: the office jerk

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty 00:00:30 soy face 00:01:15 mcdonalds 00:02:00 asian shootings 00:04:00 cps for pet f*cking 00:10:00 booster shaking 00:14:00 the family cast and gilbert grape's mom 00:17:00 the spartan army 00:18:30 women can tell when men have JO'd 00:20:00 jace at the office and ZOOM cranks 00:26:00 shawshank redemption 00:31:30 irish slave names 00:33:00 back to the office JO story / saving private ryan 00:39:30 tyler texas stabbing 00:44:00 wu tang and breast reduction surgery 00:48:45 3% of the population 00:54:00 fedposting 00:56:00 yankee in the south redux 01:01:30 the whale with parents 01:03:15 texas homes 01:06:00 gaspar noe 01:12:00 kevin hart / puss in boots ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh wow. Wow. What a retard. Wow. What a retard. Wow. Look at him go. So we're on? So we're rolling? We're on?

Ben, are we recording? We're recording, right? Okay, this is weird because my vaccine side effect just started kicking in. Devin's shaking, everybody. He's got the myocarditis. As long as we're recording, it kicks in when I'm recording. Devin's playing for the Buffalo Bills right now. He's about to get a hit and have a heart attack.

Did you guys feel that earthquake the other last week? Yeah, I was here when the earthquake hit. Want to know why that happened? The andreas fault line is on its fifth booster there we go right there we go starting it off bringing the heat yeah early in the app you know what's funny is i uh oh it's way too loud it's very loud it's a little loud you know test one two check i have like i ate mcdonald's and i have like labored breathing like i just got off of a horse yeah or something like i just like you have way long you have labor breathing from doing soy face for too long yeah it gives it makes your sweat fatter like mcdonald's and fast it turns

into like grease yeah it turns into chubby rain the bow bow finger thing. I felt fine and then at McDonald's I can't breathe. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, oh, it affects the lungs too. It's like smoking.

Yeah, you might as well light a fry and then smoke it. You probably could smoke it like a cigarette. Imagine like just biting it in a McDonald's fry

and then throwing it on the ground and stomping on it. Just an ashtray full of fries. Well, I went out of town and there were two mass shootings. Yeah. Yep.

All by Chinese guys. All by Chinese guys. Chinese? Chinese guys? How do we... You inventing a new slur? I wanted to get into this. I wanted to ask you guys.

Sure. Where you stand on Chinese guys doing the shootings? I'm into it. Yeah. Because there's been a lot of Asian hate the last 10 years. Well, here's what I... I mean, first instincts,

I thought it was actually a good sign because I'm like, oh, good. At least the Chinese are also losing their minds too. Like TikTok's affecting them. They thought it was just for us, but like, no. Yeah, even they are non-resistant to living in America.

Exactly. Yeah, even they're turning retarded. They're just like, oh, there's too many women with their camel toes showing on TikTok and I just got to go shoot up this New Year's party. Yeah. For the year of the rabbit. And the other one was a mushroom farmer in Half Moon Bay, which I spent a whole... It's very weird.

It was in that neighborhood because I spent... Tell her to stop. Hey, Emma, come on. Knock it off. That bone's so loud. Yeah. It's like bone tomahawk i mean while i'm chewing ice she's like we start recording and she started banging

the bone against the table she's like playing the xylophone like on an old skeleton like a warner brothers cartoon you know in bone tomahawk how they amputated their women so they were just like sure fuck puppets yeah yeah that's emma of, like you said, bone tomahawk. And the minute the podcast starts, Gracie turns into air bud. All of a sudden gets all this energy. I think she knows she's on camera. She's ready to show off her tricks.

Emma's like banging two bones together. That's really wild. Emma turns into a cannibalistic tribesman. By the way, Devin, you've known Emma for as long as you've known me, you've known Emma for almost a decade now. That's actually... She doesn't like bones. No. She's not a bone dog.

No, she's not. Yeah. But you start recording, she turns into like a junkyard dog. She's like chewing hubcaps and chasing like baseball players off a field. Oh, she hates we're talking about her. Beat it. Yeah, beat it. We're gonna cut the rest of your legs off. Turn you into a fucking pillow.

Like Bone Tomahawk. And then we're going to fuck the shit out of you. Would the government take your dog away? You cut off its legs and start fucking it? Like would a guy with sunglasses and a suit and a briefcase show up at my door? And start taking measurements? Yeah, like the black guy from L sunglasses and a suit and like a briefcase show up at my door right and like start taking measurements yeah like the black guy from lilo and stitch would show up

bubbles would show up and be like you fuck the dog too much yeah yeah you get to fuck it once a week but yeah every damn day that should be a branch uh that cps deals with i think they do child protective services and also if you're fucking your pets right they show up and they i think i think if you're fucking your pet. Right. They show up. And I think if you're fucking your pet, they should show up and give you a warning. Like just a verbal. Right. Like you kind of rep. They don't shame you.

We all wanted to do it. You slipped up. And now you're kind of addicted. I get it. It's like smoking a cigarette. But the guy at the door is like, but you did break the seal. We're all really excited about it. We do want. We don't want you to continue doing it, but if you do, maybe take some notes.

Maybe film some videos for the guys back at the lab. I'm not against turning a blind eye if you let me in there and let me have a go at her. Your dog is what I mean. Your amputated dog. With the teeth filed down. That creature. So it's a real gummy suck So it's a real gummy suck. It's a real gummy suck.

What the fuck? A gummy suck? Now listen, usually I shut this down, but I heard you cut all the dog's legs off. So it's just like a fuck pillow. I usually shut this down, but frankly, I'm a little interested.

I'll admit, I've been chasing the dragon for years. Chasing the dragon. It's like when a cop gets addicted to fentanyl, it happens. But with the Chinese guys. Oh, yeah, sure. Chinese guys, first of all, they're doing numbers. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but they're doing a good job out there when it comes to being evil and bad. Yeah. They're posting serious numbers. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but they're doing a good job out there when it comes to being evil

and bad. Yeah. They're posting serious numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not, they excel at everything they do. He probably thought shooting up that place would get him citizenship. What place did he shoot up? He shot up like a New Year's party or something. Yeah, it was like a bingo hall in Alhambra.

He shot up like a Chinese menu or some shit. Yeah, it was a Zen garden. Yeah. He shot up a showing of Kill Bill at the New Beverly. The news was trying to spin it in this weird area when I first started reading that they said in a highly populated Asian American community there was a shooting basically implying it was a racially motivated thing. They were typing to stop asian

hates they were like ready to send those out yeah yeah they think it's just patriot like the chinese guy shooting up a place thinks he's being a patriot he's been watching the news because i guess i have to shoot up yeah he thought they were japanese people he's still trying to get revenge for pearl harbor oh man yeah it's the only shooting up they're doing. They're not taking the vaccine, any of these Chinese guys. No, they don't need to. They already created it. Yeah, but probably when all the journalists were typing,

like just ready to hit send on the... I remember a couple of group chats I ran were already kind of playing. They're like, no, it looks like there was another Asian shooting. And I was like, I have a feeling about this. Because if you go to Alhambra to do a shooting, you're already Chinese. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? White guy doing a shooting in LA, he's going to Little Tokyo. That's like where the big. Right. You know what I mean? Right. He's going to like a Kabuki. He thinks that's where all the Asian people are.

He's going to the sushi place on the conveyor belt. Yeah. Exactly. But no, it was like a crazy week. He thinks that's where all the Asian people are. He's going to the sushi place on the conveyor belt. Yes, exactly. But no, it was like a crazy week. You think Bo and Yang, like a red phone in his living room rang. He just answered it and just sat on standby. Like he's John F. Kennedy.

Yeah, like he's the president. He's like the nuclear football. His agent calls him. He's like, looks like you're about to get eight movies. And then he has to call him back he's like so it was a weird looking asian guy like we're looking in to see if he was a filipino but they're pretty sure he was chinese he had a really thin face he didn't have that weird squish face so it's not looking great did you see the the video of the guy wrestling the gun away from him no i missed

that i didn't look guy it. Guy like saved the day after he killed a lot of people, but he still saved them from other people dying. And the guy, did you see that? He had like a wonderful Home Alone style

like Christmas beanie on when he did it. You said he looked like Kevin McAllister. He looked like Kevin McArister. Homerone? Yeah, Kyoto McAllister. Yeah. Yeah. homerown yeah Kyoto McAllister

yeah yeah I don't know it's it was weird that another one just happened the same week

Asian mushroom farmer yeah yeah yeah but he did he shoot a bunch of mushrooms because he thought they were Asian people he thought they were

Asian people from rice hats he just saw the last of us and he hates mushrooms and he hates mushrooms and he's like these are kind of the asian people of vegetables so yeah i know they're technically

fungus but you know give me a little leeway i don't know about you guys but i'm starting to see a trend here though yeah yeah i think that i think we have a problem right we haven't shot enough asian people so now we've stopped shooting up massage parlorers in Atlanta. But this is an issue because as people are getting vaccinated, there are less shootings because people are becoming more docile. Right. Well, they're all dying. Yeah.

Shooters are dying. Their hearts are too weak to pull the trigger anymore. The shooters are keeling over. Yeah. There's a guy walking into a church right now and then he just just dies on the on the steps because he got too excited by the way what is going on like how come certain weeks it's like the vaccine's killing everybody like out of like just this last few weeks all the videos of people fake like shaking i didn't i noticed that too because those were like early like vaccine like

it was a lot of nurses shaking yes out of Out of nowhere. Then it went away for like a year. Women, like blonde women with hatchet faces were just doing the stanky leg all over the country. And then it went away. And now it's back. Right.

Something, something. I think it's because the mainstream news is talking more about like, it actually is, the vaccine's a little weird. These people that, they post videos of them shaking like this.

I'm just happy they're finally getting some exercise. They're once and for all they're they're finally getting some exercise they're finally burning some calories they go to their doctor they're like i'm shaking from the vaccine it's like you're choking on a you swallowed a burrito hole and your body's shaking to get it through your goal like no it's the back there's a wad of chorizo lodged in your intestine and your body's vibrating trying to get it to travel through the

maze of flesh. Horrible, horrible flesh. It's Drano. That's what the vaccine was. Your body's like a game of Plinko with a burrito in it. Just stuck between the wood pegs. Yeah. But yeah, it's an interesting time it depends it's it's like it's uh it's trending sometimes and then you go oh i guess everybody's everybody's

just pretending it's this whole damn country's shaking i think they're uh i don't think i don't think they're faking it though you don't think so so i think they think they have it i think they think they have like a placebo yes yeah i saw a couple where they stop shaking when they go to turn the camera off oh really yeah she's like and then she's like okay everyone saw and then she goes just very hit stop very calm right yeah but yeah i believe it i believe that it isn't great i i'll say i i regret getting it but i wanted to go drink at bars and hurt my health even more. Sure.

Can I say something, though? I've never seen someone having a seizure and pull their phone out. Right. And start filming themselves. Yes. Anybody I've ever seen have a seizure is on the floor. Yeah. And you just see the whites, the sclera of their eyes yeah all

you see yeah yeah people having a seizure like vibrate yeah they're not no one has a seizure and they like getting a selfie stick and like extending it like turning on a gopro seizure where their foot just goes like back and forth like how you would fake having a seizure sure yeah you have like seizures like you're seizing up i don't think you can be like, get me on Snapchat. And the amount of videos where it's like they're filming their feet shaking and then they're just watching the Cleveland show in the background. It's like the people, the people who are sharing this video, the vaccine was the healthiest thing they put in their body.

Like in the last decade. Like shaking so much I can barely eat my Tostinos anymore. last decade like shaking so much i can barely eat my tostinos anymore my my husband makes this chip dip where he just puts eight sticks of butter in a crock pot and then pisses in it and i can't i can't even eat that anymore shake it all over we can't do our tiktok recipes anymore where you take the bag of doritos and you pour ground beef in it also and then put that in the microwave. The vaccine's only affecting poor, retarded people. Isn't that odd?

I haven't seen one. I mean, maybe they're out there, but I haven't seen an intellectual be shaking up a storm. Lex Friedman isn't shaking anywhere. Exactly. It's always like... It's poor, retarded people or it's like black NFL players. And that's it. It's all women that just say poor, retarded people, or it's like black NFL players. And that's it.

Yeah. It's all women that just say, proud mama on their Twitter. And they... Yeah. They call their children bear cubs. Yes. They go, proud mama bear of a couple cubs. Yeah. My round children that I have.

I gave birth to four bowling balls. Every morning, I dribble my kids to school. My son can barely hug me, partly because of the shaking, mostly because his arms can't reach around my body no more. We kind of rub our bodies together like two seals.

Those families, it's just, someone's always in a cast, but no one has any medical care. They have a family cast that they keep on hand. They pass down. It's like when a snail outgrow, or like a crab outgrows a shell, and then there's like

a bunch of crabs lined up in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the members of the family like have to trade casts real quick. I knew those people growing up that they all, it's like just at a certain point, they should go to school in football gear. Right. Full pads and helmet and mouth guard because they're always breaking some bone in their body every school had one fat girl who always needed

two knee braces at all times yeah like the metal fucking fox nfl robot knee brace and she graduates into the thing on her yeah on she's carpal tunnel right from like uh her thighs got so big that her kneecap like shifted like pangea like it went behind her and she'd always get called thunder thighs i mean this woman is probably probably killed herself the people i've been in my head but women who were somehow 14 but they were sure at 14 shaped like a Texas roadhouse waitress. Sure, sure. Something that belongs behind barbed wire. They should be standing in a field, staring blankly

at cars passing by. As they chew cud. A person who should be chained to a post, like a bulldog. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yes, a human woman a song very good a song about a woman that only

queen has written about right no one else no one else a woman so big it's your old joke but not even a black there's not a guy black enough to fuck her sure sure like my old joke that's not exactly my joke sure right right it's close yeah i was paraphrasing that is crazy like uh all the black guys that are really good looking and and buff and they're just they're banging gilbert

grape's mom every time i'm in dallas i'm like what is going what spell you see like walk a flock they're under like the hillbilly get out spell. Right. It's like the weirdest thing. It's David Robinson and he's dating like a Ford F-150. A white truck that a construction worker drives. That's like Jamie Foxx with honey booboo. You see it all the time.

I love it. Yeah. You just walk right into like a Pluckers. What? Dude, you could be killing. Who's the guy with the eye? The weird eye? Fetty Wap?

Yeah, you see Fetty Wap. He's just in tow with the Thousand Pound Sisters on his arms. He's walking into the club. He's dating the fat motorcycle twins. They're on motorcycles holding each other's arms. Yeah, because at that point the gender isn't really important because you can't get it in the pussy anymore yeah titties are the same size so yeah i think those people just fuck the folds i'm fairly certain yeah maybe it's kind of like

i'm trying to think what what it's like it's like, I don't know. It's like a loaf of bread. Take a slice. You take one from the middle over here. Right. There's 20 slices of bread here, pal. Make a sandwich. You can do the two ends if you want, if you're a weird guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you fuck them like a Roman Spartan would fuck a child. Sure. Yeah. I mean, you can't. Because they did it in the armpit. They fuck them because you can't really yeah yeah because they thought having anal sex was gross right spartans did that yeah they would fuck uh little boys in the armpit and that was kind of how you got like jumped into the spartan army was you got fucked

in the armpit for a while and then they're like but now you get to like fuck jumped in yeah dude you gotta you gotta fuck juan's armpit hey you've seen the movie 300 food you want in you want to be ripped and fight like tarantula people you want to be in the avenues you're gonna have to fuck that little kid's armpit imagine imagine being the one you gotta fuck my tio's armpit imagine being the wife of one gotta fuck my Tio's armpit, fool. Imagine being the wife of one of those soldiers and being like, like just sucking him off. And being like, did you fuck a little kid's armpit?

Why does your dick smell like boy armpit? It smells like BO, but not yet. It tastes, the taste is awful. It's much worse than it usually is right than your usual salt and vinegar chip sure you have yeah oh by the way i saw this very viral tweet today apparently women and i don't know if this is true if they're lying whores women are claiming that they can tell if a man has recently jacked off by his smell. I think that kind of is a thing.

I, I, yeah, I don't know. I can't tell when a man's recently jacked off. We don't know. Right. It just kind of smells like a weird,

it's like a, it's like a, it's a subtle stank, but like, I think women know. Yeah. It's like a tortilla. I feel like.

A little bit. Kind of a tortilla. Yeah. And just like a little sweaty, you know? Yeah. Cause cum is one of those things. It's very evasive.

It's like, you can't, it has a smell, yet it doesn't. Right. But there is a thick, like they can tell, there's just like a musk. There's those trees that smell like cum, but they don't, but they do. You know what I mean? Like I smell those trees, I'm like,

that's not what cum smells like, but that is cum. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah. My cum does not smell. Really? I have scentless cum, and it's perfectly clear. It's like water. Yeah, your cum looks like that soap with a little glitter in it that they have for kids.

That hand sanitizer. Ben's cum has little plastic stars and moons in it. Yeah, little globules and toy fish. in it yeah little glob globules and toy fish and yeah i guess i guess uh i never no one ever told me that yeah i can tell you just jacked off and like you're like at the table just eating lunch no you they can totally tell you jack i've when i've jacked off in public the you know 20 or 30 times i've done that which every man has allowed a couple hundred every every man in your life you get to jack off at work maybe 50 to 75 times i think i've jacked off at work four times and every time i i feel like people can tell when i'm walking out yeah

like i'm sweating my shoulders like i in my head i jack off into the toilet because i just got too horny at work and i'm like i don't i'm gonna fuck the 80 year old secretary yeah yeah that's how horny you can't come in the trash yeah that's that's no you gotta flush it you gotta flush it you gotta get rid of it you gotta fuck the pipes up because someone will come out with the wastebasket be like all right who came in the trash someone's cum is in the trash it's not snot it caught my eye it was glistening weirdly and they're gonna they're gonna demand you answer like you're in fourth grade yeah it smells like we're not leaving work until somebody you're just like i have a runny nose whose is this

it smells like pennies it smells like a bunch of pennies he's licking it he goes seems like jared's cum this this tastes like it came out of jared's cock they lock the doors it's like dog day afternoon as your boss i can kill you if no one tells me who's come who's dirty come this is yeah closing the door with their mind so that you're saying the few times yeah very very few times you've jacked off at work, which we all know you actually haven't and you're just,

yeah, sanding this bit. These are other jobs, old jobs. Right. No, not current jobs. No, that would be weird. Don't do that now. My current job,

I would go over to a guy's apartment and work sometimes. So it'd be weird if I jacked off there. By the way, technically now everyone jacks off at work

because everyone pretty much works from home. The minute you start working from home, you start jacking off for nine hours every day. That's a rule. I was so surprised when everybody got caught jacking off on Zoom.

During the pandemic. Yeah, once the pandemic, everybody's cock was out. People were jacking off, fucking. It just goes to show what everyone's doing all the time. It's just, everything's pointless. It was crazy. People thought their webcam was off, and they would just start wiping shoe polish

all over their face and then just put their legs back behind their head and start sucking their own dick. The amount of times where somebody's like, alright, Zoom meeting's over and they don't exit out and then they just punch their kid in the face. Yeah, the amount of people who got fired immediately.

A lot of people that were just like, and that's why democracy is being threatened the curve of it yeah oh it's it's just a ginormous penis it's a huge curve just a brilliant journalist standing up and just a bunch of balls fall out of his ass yeah he stands up and he's got a kid's head attached to his penis that he was face fucking while doing like

an Associated Press interview. Yeah, every day in the pandemic. They'd be like, Richard Feynman was just caught with an anal bead in his ass. He was on a Zoom call. They were talking about life after death and, you know.

Yeah, we're sorry to say Baba Ram Dass was caught sticking a gun up his wife's pussy on Zoom while giving a seminar. People thought the webcam was off and then they would climb onto a paper mache doll of a child on their bed and face fuck it. Right. Like the horrifying stuff. They would get in the sex machine from burn after reading.

And then just the dildo would fire up their ass. would fire up their ass while they're are the are the best was the people who thought they were like they were doing the meeting but they would they thought they turned the camera off yes so the balls of them to just be like i'm gonna fuck a cock sleeve while i'm giving like a presentation on like like q4 profits yeah or the amount of people were were they didn't do anything but then everyone zoomed in on their screenshot and they're like, why does he have so much art of like kids tied up with naked asses and they're all bright red and there's ball gags in the mouth.

That happens like every week. Every week. You find out somebody's just, they're like, I just like the art. Right. They zoom in on a book and it's like a coffee table book, but it's about Hitler.

It's a picture of a child being crucified and he's being sucked off by a man. And then you hear that story you go wait what does that guy do and they go oh he runs the federal reserve don't don't don't worry he runs all of america's money it's fine don't worry about it he just said you know collects art of it's not children getting fucked but it's paintings that look like pictures of them getting fucked yeah come on yeah oh jace i didn't want to cut you off though you oh you're jacking off at work. Jack off at work. I probably jacked off like seven or eight times at work.

I'm going to keep, as I'm telling the story, the number goes up. By the end of the podcast, I'm like, so I've jacked off like 500 times. At work, we've all done that. You finally confess it. Then you're like, so I jack off every single day. I clock in. I'll tell you, I'm jacking off right now. every single day.

I clock in. I'll tell you, I'm jacking off right now. I got a little fucking little Coke can that I put a little fucking. Yeah, it's like the light in the Statue of Liberty. It's never gone out.

You've never not been jacking off. Me jacking off is the flame outside Kennedy's grave. That they're like, never before shall this light pass from this earthly. Me jacking off is getting, I'm in the tomb of the unknown soldier

jacking off. No, it's like, you masturbating is like, it's like those pizza ovens in New York City where it's been burning continuously since like 1905. Yeah.

That's you masturbating like crazy yeah just you have some sort of device under your pants it's never yeah it's like a coke can with silly putty and like a wind-up toy that i have in there and it's just constantly it's not really i'm not smart enough to build a jack-off machine but i do have a you like a ted kaczynski level you have a string all you gotta do is tie a string to your finger and to your dickhead and every

you know you just do this all the time you just kind of raise your hand middle of conversation I'm coming right now that is why I do this on the podcast

so much just so I can route I can do my fingers like this by my hand like a weird marionette thing I have five strings out the back of my shirt and I'm just pulling on them

like i'm doing puppetry of the penis yeah yeah that's what you do yeah no but i i the first time i jacked the first time i ever jacked off it went it was like a coming of age story yeah uh this is your buildings roman yeah this is this incredible you've been masturbating since like birth yeah i'm like shank Redemption. I'll never forget the first time I jacked off. There was a field out in Boston. Brooks was here. It was written on your cock.

My grocery store boss was like, you don't have to ask me to jack off. Just go jack off. Jack off break boss yeah here i am a 65 year old man can't even jack off without the boss telling me it's all right the end of the movie you break free from a cum pit yeah i'm crawling through my own fucking oh you're cum yeah yeah and shit and he cried and he crawled through five thousand feet of cum that day

yeah cause that's the wasn't it a poster of like Farrah Fawcett so you fucked the poster and you fucked a hole into the wall and just kept you keep putting your cum somewhere I jacked my way off through an entire prison I just embedded

a pocket pussy on the wall and I just kept fucking it for 25 years and then I went to a for 25 years yeah and then i went to a bank in portland man and they're like i was like i don't like to withdraw and they're like you have no money i'm like fair fair enough and i i die halfway down to mexico but it's big it's not i don't get shot by the cops i'm just in in a hotel and I do the bell choke sex thing and I die. I like that. Yeah.

I'm just hanging there. Yeah. In a motel. The warden opens like up a gay porno magazine thinking it's a straight porno magazine. They force you. You see it's carved out. He opens the porno magazine and a dildo hole's carved out. And he just pulls out a guy that blows his head off.

The warden can't figure out how to jack off himself, so he makes you jack off for him. He goes, these jack off codes are just, I can't figure it out. Can you do my tax jacking off? Hmm. Wow. Andy built a whole sex shop in that prison. Writing congressmen for used dildos and fucking blow up dolls and shit.

Well, never met a white boy like Andy Dufresne. Andy was a freak. Andy loved jacking off like all white boys do. See, we black fellas, we get pussy. Yeah, us Negroes, we get it in. We get it in. Yeah, they ask what us Negroes do in prison in We get it in Yeah well you They ask what us Negroes

Do in prison We fuck those Freaky white boys Meanwhile Andy's Jagging off I'm fucking his wife Andy was always Working on himself

He has a tall Glass of cum With a silver spoon Up his ass Who didn't get No pussy No Boggs Made him his bitch

Boggs fucked The shit out of him He was a little fairy though he liked it that little fruit cake fuck him fuck him we all hate andy so the end of the end of shawshank redemption he's just masturbating wildly into the surf into the pacific yeah he's like there's a place where you can go and andy talks about we can just masturbate just freely and brooks yeah brooks walks up on the beach oh not yeah, Brooks walks up on the beach. Oh, not Brooks. Red.

Red walks up on the beach with his hat in his hand. He's like, hey. And he's just scrubbing his dick with like a piece of cloth. And then it's a wide shot of Red and his dick and balls are hanging out of his pants. And then they show this movie in every school across America. Yeah. TNT is like, we'll play this nine times a day. This is the only movie we own.

This is the weirdest bit we've ever done. You know what's funny? Very strange, but I'm into it. He is a weird fucking incel because at the beginning someone fucks his wife. Yeah. He's a cuck. Yeah. He's a cuckold.

Yeah. And then he doesn't fuck anybody for 25 years. He's like Elliot Rodger. Yeah. The only pussy he gets for 25 years is getting raped in the ass by five men. And so he just gets really into chess and digging holes. Who's the hot shot that shows up? The cool guy with the leather jacket?

Oh, like Eddie or whatever his name is? They're all looking at him. They're like, he's really good at jacking off. Yeah. And he has to teach him how to jack off so he can go back to school. The warden kills him because he's showboating. You're telling me you're going to keep jacking off all day, every day?

He was jacking off through the legs. Going behind the back. Going underneath his leg. Going behind the back with his cock. Putting it in his shirt. Hitting it around. Bouncing his cock off guys' heads, catching it. He looked like the professor out there.

He would throw his cock down, bounce it with the bottom of his shoe, and then catch it back up, keep dribbling it. Don't know how accurate that movie was, by the way, because only white guys in that prison. Yeah. What's that all about? He was the only black guy. and just rad yeah but a black guy with a irish guy's name when that's how white he was well that's like all black people they all have like irish guys names well that that character stephen king wrote to be an irish guy and they cast morgan freeman as the guy and it's like a weird joke they make in the movie. Like, why do they call you Red?

Oh, right, right, right. He's like, because I'm Red Fox. That's who I am in the movie. I'm black comedian Red Fox. And I love getting pussy and drinking coffee out of a mug that looks like a titty. Because I'm comedian Red Fox. Irish guys don't have, or black guys don't have Irish names. Is that a thing?

Shaquille O'Neal. Oh, shit. I guess you're right. None of them have names they want. Yeah. Ronald McDonald. They're not named Johnson.

Their name was originally like, you know, two rocks being hit together. It wasn't Tommy Johnson. A thing happened. Their names are like Seamus. A long't Tommy Johnson. A thing happened. Their names are like Seamus. A long time ago, something happened. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember as a kid literally figuring out every black guy I've ever met who's named Freeman was because they were a slave at some point. Yes, they were just like, I'm gonna call him fucking, get out of here. His name is Jamal. Get out of here before we make is Jamal get out of here before we make you

do more work yeah that's like David he's like his last name slave guy my name's Morgan slave guy

nice to meet you his name's Emancipation Proclamation they wanted it so much give it to them I'm Mr. 13 how you do how you do

they named me Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard they just they name him How you do? How you do? They named me Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. They name them after streets and bad neighborhoods. Oh, man. That rocks.

Yeah. My name's Shaquille Malcolm X Avenue. His name is Jefferson Avenue. So what I was going to say about jacking off at work is the first time i jacked off at work it was like it was my first job and i was like an intern i was

like 23 and they would close the interns had to stay late there was only me and this other lady who was like she's a big lady but you know that's kind of my type you know um cute face not really but you know I'm 23. I'm at work. Nobody else is there. She's there. She's there. She has a pussy, in theory, I can have sex with.

And we were flirting because we had the ducks next to each other, and we were kind of getting close to each other. And I was like, oh, I'm about to fuck this lady at work. Oh, fuck. So I went in, me not wanting, because i needed the job i was like i guess maybe also just me being a pussy but i was like i can't fuck this lady on the desk that would be too cool so i went into the bathroom and i just jerked off in the toilet and i kind of broke the seal on that so there's maybe been like nine or ten times after that where i've gotten too horny and just

jacked off like the bottle's already open it's gonna go bad in the fridge oh might as well use the rest of this. I think it should be necessary. They should give you a 20-minute break to go jack off at work. Like it's smoking. How students are better if they have nap time. They should give adults time to just go goon out.

Genuinely. You get to goon. Go goon in your car. They should make one office just for gooning that you can sign up for on a Google calendar. I mean, what the fuck else has a cubicle for for they should let you fuck all the women at work yeah and they can't say no today and they're once a day you have your pick once then we'll give you equal pay right if you fuck me at work under a mandatory law yeah train training the new secretary so this is the big gong and when we hit

that everyone is going to fuck you against your will usually we ring it at two sometimes ed from corporate's in we ring it at one because we're supposed to ring it at one like who gives a shit like i'm gonna fuck somebody at one i'm tired let me fuck somebody at two sorry is there do I get like stock options or like is there like benefits so if you get raped enough we will let you

purchase stock for a discounted price at some point alright well we'll give you a free bang bros account you guys like look you were the guys

that wanted suffrage okay that wasn't me that's on you this is on you guys I don't want you in the office at all I should go home and rape you the guys that think women's suffrage is Okay? That wasn't me. That's on you. This is on you guys. I don't want you in the office at all. I should go home and rape you. The guys that think women suffrage is women suffering.

So they're like, you have to get fucked at work. That's the only reason it passed. They're like, well, we're all for this, right? They're like, you wanted to be suffering. So you gotta suck Mike off every time. Every day at lunch. It is funny that women's suffrage came along once voting

wasn't real anymore what do you mean like as soon as like as soon as voting wasn't real was it they were like we'll let them all vote they're like it's all bought and paid let them pretend they're a part of it it's cute exactly that was the illuminati's first move once they took over the world they're like all right let them pretend they're doing the fucking thing. So then you, so you came everywhere. Yeah, so I came everywhere.

Like the first time I came in the toilet. That's the best. Yeah. Be efficient. Just like, keep it moving. It's like a rest stop of coming. Because it arcs.

It arcs. It's like a shooting star. Oh no, I pointed my dick down and just like straight into, like I was like shooting a fish with an arrow Yeah oh like when you're turning on a hose My cum went through the toilet water

Like when you see like It's like Saving Private Ryan the bullets There's a guy A guy swimming and just my cum shots are going all around them. Yeah. So no, I did that. But then another time, this is my last show when I sold firearms,

when I sold commercial firearms. So people have to be safe in case of a fire. I went in because they had a single occupancy bathroom and I jerked off there. But I came all over the floor because I got too excited and then i had to like clean it off of the floor what got you excited huh what got you i don't want to reveal too much about my person

no sure what if you talk about jacking off you like you like drop your phone in the stall and then like the guy yeah i dropped my phone and the volume goes up to like a hundred immediately and it's just like oh I'm being fucked in a porn Oh you're fucking me with your cock cause this is gay porn you're watching. You know how people put like toilet paper like tampons under the stall to like if you don't have any toilet paper or something

You're like you just like you go psst hey man my phone died and I like I'm really horny. You ask a guy to jack off with his phone? Did you hand me your phone? A guy who's also jacking off next to you is like, I'm about to bust, though. I'm saying after you bust, give me the phone.

You're finally just like, just turn the volume up. Turn the volume up. You have your ear up to this tall door. I'm like, no, no, here's what you do. Put the phone on the ground underneath the wall so we can both check. You have your ear up to the stall door. I'm like, no, no. Here's what you do. Put the phone on the ground. So we can both. So we can both check.

I don't feel comfortable with that man. By the end of it, you both are jacking each other off. Yeah, you're like, all right, simple solution. You're going to fuck me in the ass. Simple solution. You're drilling hole like through the stall door with like a drill press yeah they're like here's how we're gonna do it

you flip upside down we're gonna we drill two holes in the stall and then we 69 each other through the through the holes they just

they leave married right they both go home together oh yeah you immediately walk you immediately both walk out of the stalls having just came in each other's mouth you go oh man you catch that bills game last night like that jared allen's insane anyway you both you're both washing calm off of your chest tightening your tie back yeah yeah your squirt gun tie and by the way it reveals that you're both public school teachers like then you walk into the hall at a special needs school

like all right well let's go make these retards happy you walk back into class and just start throwing candy at them Just really hard Skittles Just whipping them With Jolly Ranchers You're shot by a kid the same day We knew a kid that got stabbed By a guy that got Stabbed by a retarded boy at the school

And he died Who? We didn't fucking know him but we knew of a guy. He was stabbed? In a nearby school. I think you can look it up. It's Tyler, Texas is where it happened. Oh, I forgot about this.

A retarded guy stabbed his teacher. With like a candy cane he was sucking on? He pulled one of his teeth out and stabbed him? Yeah, he stabbed him with his own brain. His sharp, pointy brain. He jawed him to death he's just like just like he throws fun dip in his eyes and then takes out like this sharp like he's filed down a fun dip stick just like like a shank in prison like like it's that scene in breaking bad yeah where you stab them 50 times and then rip their stomach open.

Throw them over a deck. Dude, we got to remake that scene in Breaking Bad, but they're all retarded. Yeah. But it's a special needs prison. Yeah, special needs prison where they're killing all of the guards. We should remake all of Oz, except it's in a special needs prison. Wait, what's Oz? It's the Christopher Maloney

show oh yeah early 2000s brutal yeah we should do that where it's just like the condo where he's like I think they're gonna rape Christopher Maloney's character wait so who was this what who how and who the retarded guy killed a guy I I guess I can look it up. Yeah. Is it in the news? Yeah, it was in the news. It was a big- In Tyler, Texas. It was a big story. They go, extra, extra, read all about it.

Extra, extra, read all about it. Retard kid stabs kid with fun dipstick. I'm going to type in Tyler, Texas stabbed. I'm going to say special needs. Yeah. Is that what people say? Yeah. I don't think you should just...

I don't think there'd be like an article with retard in it. It's also Texas, though. The AP News fucked up kid stabs normal good student. Dude, here's what's amazing. It says a student who stabbed teacher will stand trial. They're like trying him. Right. Will stand trial.

From 2009. Mentally ill student. See see they still didn't understand retard oh come on he claimed the drool defense uh okay the tyler he claimed the shape like a twinkie defense oh man yeah he's a special education student he fatally stabbed his teacher in december hold on has been found competent to stand trial. Come on. But is special education always 100% not there?

Doesn't that just sometimes mean you just don't want to try? Or no? I don't know. I knew a kid in special needs, but he wasn't that dumb. But his feet, his toes pointed at each other when he walked. Where they're like the usual suspects, like retarded guy. He walked like a wind-up toy. They don't have the energy

to differentiate the mind versus body, so like the school district is just like, I don't know, he's all weird shaped. He's retarded. Throw him in the retard camp. Right. He's like, my homework is doing butterflies.

And then he walks out of school, he's like, we fooled him again, Johnson. Immediately, he pulls his head back out of his body so it's not that weird neck shape this is so fucked the boy's defense attorney by the way i wish he would have uh tried to represent himself oh yeah yeah yeah in court like he waived his right to a lawyer yeah he's just that retarded

uh it says the boy's defense attorney told the state judge this week that the boy answers like he waived his right to a lawyer because he's just that retarded. It says, the boy's defense attorney told the state judge this week that the boy answers questions with single syllables and is unable to understand or remember conversations. Single syllables.

But the state psychiatric hospital found the boy alert and oriented. What does that mean? I don't know. You can snap at him. Yeah, he's like, ah! Like, ah! You're like, send this boy to the chair.

We're going to fry some bologna today. Well, not much there. I am imagining... They're claiming he has schizophrenia. I mean, why would you... That's his lawyers are. His lawyers are just good. They're trying to do a good job.

Right. They're trying to make it seem like he, you know... He can't stand trial. Yeah. Yeah, they do that all the time. That's sad. It's really sad. It's like when they put a mob boss in an oxygen tank at a trial.

Yeah. It's the same thing. Yeah, when Harvey Weinstein immediately had polio the minute he got arrested. He had polio and they're like, by the way, his dick rotted off. So how could he have raped? He had a clitorectomy. His dick rotted off. I know.

That literally was like I was reading the transcript. It read like a joke where they're like, Mr. Weinstein's penis got a fungus and fell off at some point. I think they literally said that. I think they acted like it was just a bump. Like there wasn't even a dick. Like he was a Barbie doll? Yeah.

Like he was the guy from Wu-Tang who smoked too much meth? Yeah, he was the fucking guy that chopped his cock off. Oh, Big Lurch? No, Big Lurch is the guy who smoked... He ate somebody. Yeah, he smoked PCP and he ate his girlfriend. He was like 6'8". Yeah, and he ate his girlfriend.

Yeah. Hey, fourth meal. You're talking about the guy that cut his cock off. Yeah, from Wu-Tang. How could I forget? Yeah. And I think he later at some point tweeted, he goes, by the way, my cock was so big, it doesn't even matter.

Yeah, I remember that. Because he only cut like the last one third off of it. Oh. He's like, two thirds of my cock is still huge. It's pretty good flex. It's like when girls get the boob reduction surgery because their tits are so big. Right. Yeah.

It hurts their back. But they still have Ds so big. Yeah. But they still have back. They still have D's. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like respectable. You know, you still want to have sex with them. Yeah. They're finally fuckable.

What do they do with that titty, by the way? They eat it. The rest of the meat? Yeah. I don't know. It goes into like it's like filler to get used and like is it like fight club like it goes in those bags yeah like tyler durden they make it expand you know chili i would like it if you figured out they they have been saving all of it but they

don't know what to do with it yet oh there's just a room that's full one room of titty me and they go now we don't know what to do but it's still kind of hot. It's like when you move into a new place and you make a room a designated box room and then years go by and you still just don't know what to do with all of it. It's bursting at the seams with titty fat. There's one doctor at the hospital whose

job is to try and turn that into a new woman to fuck. It's a guy and he just keeps walking around like these ungrateful whores. And he's just welding a big like you know gingerbread cookie cutouts yeah you know oh the tin shape the tin shape things that cut yeah like he has a one shape like a woman with big tits and a big ass it's like he's pressing into the titty fat yeah it's like edward scissorhands yeah he's trying it's like pressing into the titty fat. Yeah. It's like Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. He's trying. It's like Frankenstein, but he's just trying to create a woman that's all titty. Using all the excess.

The whole thing's a big titty. The cut off titty fat. And he's super pissed off about it. You know. He's like, even when you're getting sucked off, you're titty fucking her. Yeah. That's what's amazing. Yeah.

This is a success. I have to get on a ladder to get my dick sucked because I can't fit in front of her titties. When you're fucking her pussy, still titty fucking her. He's like, fucking yeah, their back hurts. Fuck them. I wanted to get a titty fuck from a 42 double nine. Gee. It is kind of disrespectful to get your...

It's bullshit. I hate hearing about it. I hate it. I know it's a super bad joke, but legit, even when I was a kid, I was like, what the fuck? Are you supposed to compliment... Why would they do that?

Are you supposed to compliment a woman? Oh, your tits are so much smaller. I'm really glad you don't have back pain anymore. Now I'm 40% less attracted. You're like, life's about trade-offs. So why don't you deal with the back pain, okay? She's like, I have back pain. You're like, yeah, about trade-offs. So why don't you deal with the back pain, okay? She's like, I have back pain.

You're like, yeah, get it reinforced. Get it fused. Get a steel spine. I'd rather build like some sort of support system for them than cut the titty off.

She has those halos car crash victims are in where it's like rods going into your neck so it doesn't move. She's like, you don't get it. It hurt to walk. You're like, get a wheelchair.

Get a wheelchair. Get a guy to push you around in a wheelchair. It hurt to walk. It hurts to hear about, bitch. Get out there and dance. Shake a little for me. Come on. Go on a job you you go back to that

hospital and you tell them to put that titty fat back in your titties you tell them yeah an angry dad i want to know what son of a bitch just took some titty meat out of my daughter i want to know what fucking dead man just let my daughter ruin her weird shaped body no but dad i was wearing like four bras i had to put on two sports bras you know they do that yeah they were like three bras i've only dated women with huge heads so yes i do yes i do know this jace is like oh interesting really interesting yeah going through this the rolodex of every woman i've had sex with just the guy that anytime someone says you know like three

percent of the population is a pedophile and then a guy who's secretly like a pedophile is like oh really wow seems kind of high right he's like he's like so there could be somebody in this bar who wants to fuck a kid. That's so weird. I mean, it's not us. Yeah, because the odds, because at 3%, because there's five of us here, the odds that one of us. What are the odds? Those aren't great odds.

Fuck a kid. Me? That's like putting on a single number in roulette. He starts bragging. He goes, you're saying I fuck kids? Fuck me? Wait, yeah. He's like,

is this your subliminal like asking me if you're also a pedophile type of thing? He goes, are you fucking with me? He goes, wait, wait, wait,

but maybe, he goes, I guess there is a chance with those odds that we're all pedophiles. Right. Me and you, Jeff,

you're a pedophile. He's like, everyone probably has the urge, honestly, and he takes a swig of this beer yeah it's him it's him like testing like just on the real off chance that they all his friends happen to also be pedophiles because it would make his life rule his inner voice is just going just go just go for it man just take the lead yeah jeff just go for it dude

he's like you guys want to fuck kids right right? I wonder if that's happened where a guy's got really drunk and then tried to confide in somebody like. Yes. After the bar. Oh, 100%. Like, hey, man, I really want to tell you what's happened. Yeah, 100%. It's like the Boogie Nights, Philip Seymour Hoffman scene with Mark Wahlberg.

When he shows him the car. But instead it was like. He like opens the trunk. Yeah. He's a kid. I just think you're cool, man. i just think this kid's cool man you know he's so cool i'm drunk you know you get drunk let's go back to the party that's such a brutal scene yeah i if someone told me if someone confided in me they were a virtuous pedophile i would cut them

out of my life that's way too toxic there was a guy who did that to me when we did our old podcast brain jail do you remember that what there was a guy who was a fan of brain jail our old podcast oh yeah and he messaged me and you know like because we talk about depression a lot so you get a lot of like you know sad faggots messaging you and stuff sure and he messaged me he's like plenty of those i'm going through a lot he's like i'm drunk right now like i don't know like who to talk to i'm like yeah dude like what's going on because we didn't have like a lot of fans and then he was like you know i fucking like i'm like addicted to porn and then you know it got really bad like i started watching like fat girl porn and then like it didn't get me hard anymore so i started watching like gay porn because that was the only thing that got me hard and i started

watching like child porn just because like but it's not because i'm attracted to kids it's just the only thing that got me hard anymore and i just block jesus block and then he messaged people who followed me trying to be like hey i told jace a secret and he freaked out so can you tell him to unblock me and i was like yeah no you're a fucking pedophile yeah you should be i should you should be shot in the head and put in a ditch what are you talking about how do you even find honestly like is there websites where it's just it's there yeah it's not taken off you just google child porn and google's like all right away here you go you have a google alert set up for it so you can watch it the moment before it's taken down you get it like for like two seconds yeah just, just bing.

You just download Tor and you just go to Onion Links. Yeah, if your thing is just like people getting ripped apart limb from limb by like wild dogs, you could just go to Tor. But I do like his reasoning that like wanting to fuck fat chicks is like the gateway to like fucking kids. I mean, he's already like the gateway to like fucking kids. I mean, he's already,

like it's like, even if he's not acting on it, like he can still be arrested, right? Just even for looking at it? Yeah, for looking at child pornography. Yeah, obviously. Right? Yeah, yeah.

He's like acting like, it's a federal offense. He's like, I don't act on it. I just consume and help the economy of pedophilia. Right, I help propagate a system that does horrible, horrific things to children. I'm an aggregate system of pedophilia. Right. I help propagate a system that does horrible, horrific things to children.

I'm an aggregate system for pedophilia. I don't do it. Listen, I'm just a cog in the wheel of Big Pedo, you know? I'm a consumer. Because it's capitalism, baby. What do you want me to do? It's like a guy who works at Raytheon. Listen, I just push papers, buddy.

I'm not firing the missiles. It is funny to be like, what do you want from me? I'm a consumer. It's in my blood. I consume. Yeah, he goes the Kramer defense where he tries to go all woke. He's like, I mean, the society that we live in, it's built to drive you to these points. The society.

I mean, what is a child really? These words, these words, these words. Children are just tiny adults. Oh, so... What really is masturbating to something sexually? Really? Really? Earlier, someone described a child as little. Well, what about little people?

Exactly. Am I not allowed to find midgets attractive? Yeah. No, let's break that down real quick. Let's break that down for a second as he's being dragged into a prison no no no let's break it down they're just throwing him to a pit of prisoners like a fucking oh what a seal cage harrowing message to get yeah i'd be worried about even getting the message and not reporting i'd be like it freaked me out i'd be worried that i get in trouble for not reporting like immediately yeah

i didn't know i didn't know what to do i freaked out i probably should have reported it but i was like all i have is like his username and shit and i just i just didn't want to get involved you think he was a fed maybe maybe he was like wanted me to be like oh me fucking me too dude like what's what's child porn you could have been a glowy could have been a glowy yeah i could have sounds like fed posting to me is is telling people you watch child pornography. Yeah, that was really my fork in the road. And one of them could have been me shooting up a mosque in, you know, Baltimore or something. Is you.

Wait, wait, wait. How would that happen? You know, glowy is they could talk. Oh, yeah. They could have talked you into like saying subscribe to PewDiePie and attaching a GoPro to your head. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go in Call of Duty mode. You guys watch child porn and then just go kill John Lennon. Well, luckily we haven't gotten any of those messages on Lemon Party yet. Nope, just getting really normal messages. Yeah, they will come. Every message is just full of cogent thoughts.

Everyone's being very normal. Very normal. I love every video of a retarded man I get sent on Instagram. Just a retarded man. People will send me a video of their mom dying and they're like, great shit for hate watch. Check it out. I'm like, what dude?

Dude, fucking roast my dead mom. Dude, roast my mom's grave, bro. By the way, I will put out a piece. She got murdered, dude. I can't. By me, dude. I'm in prison. I'm sending you this from the community room.

You guys send me videos of people with like four followers and want me to make fun of them. I can't do that. That's the thing. That's her literally. That's another thing I get. I get videos of a guy clearly mentally ill eight views

and I'm like this is insane this is they have to be kind of known check out this homeless guy who has a wifi connection check him out right

they're just like dude check out this guy I filmed at the gas station check out this guy who thinks he's an octopus who huffs spray paint out of a brown bag under the overpass.

And he doesn't even know he recorded himself and uploaded it. He has no idea what's going on. And they're like, is this a YouTuber? They're like, it's my son. He's a fucking retard.

He's a retard. Like, I don't think you get it. Just heart and move on. That's just another day on the targeted harassment podcast yeah last episode was insane yeah it's just i mean oh the yankee in the south one no one's ever exerted that much energy on them in their entire lives their parents didn't do that much energy on them in their entire lives. Their parents didn't do that much work for them.

They're probably flattered. I hope. They're also fucking weirdos. They're narcissists. I've seen their live streams. They go do weird shit with strangers. They make fun of people from afar. They do make fun of people and they harass homeless people. They harass. They're like, look, he's dancing Don. Look at that. I wonder what's going on.

They just kind of laugh in their Jeep. You know what? The last episode was all comedy, making fun of them and stuff. No, they're grisly, dark people. No, they're morally. Yeah. They're immoral people. Yeah.

Just flip it on. They're immoral people. They're immoral. Yeah, fuck them. They're bad people. They're not good. They're awful. They deserve everything they have coming.

I agree. Right. I agree. And that's a heart attack soon likely they're bad at tipping they're actually oh you know they don't tip bad at tipping dude they usually post they post their tips often they're not good at tipping i can in the heart attack girl one i think you can count the change in the tray i've calculated it before by like because i can see the dollar bills and the fives and the and the they tip by also leaving like dimes and nickels if you tip by opening a little bag in your purse you're a bad person that thing you squeeze right yeah the thing with the slit and the thing that only retarded women have to hold to hold five nickels yeah yeah yeah they five nickels and 800 heart attack they tip like a woman that runs an orphanage they're they're immoral people and and they have to be stopped yeah they're probably racist

because i think black people are chocolate who will and don are probably racist probably of course they don't have any black friends i've noticed yeah because they ate them they like chocolate so much because they they think they're dominating black people anyway we should we can't do it again it's so easy to get sucked into I was trying to resist but you see all the jokes it's just immediate like god damn it it's just a bevy just a a well yeah right

I guess we'll do gay shawshank we'll move on gay shawshank fucking retard guess we won't make a whole podcast career about attacking two people we don't know and kind of fall into like Guess we won't make a whole podcast career about attacking two people we don't know. And kind of fall into the most vicious thing ever created in media. Yeah.

I mean, I'm sure there was people out there that were like, you know, it's too much of one thing. And also this is like mean. But it's like, I mean, come on. It's very funny. It's funny. These people don't exist. If you're posting yourself on the internet. It's funny. These people don't exist. If you're posting yourself on the internet, you don't exist. We don't exist.

By the way, we don't know if they're real. We don't even know if they're real. I don't know if they're real. This could be AI. They could be a Darren Aronofsky movie. Yep. It could be a psyop. It could be like a TikTok. What if Brendan Fraser's method acting for The Whale was just hanging out with Will and Don?

What if Brendan Fraser's method acting for the whale was just hanging out with Will and Don? Sorry, I know we're trying to steer out of it. I'm trying to think of a segregation joke about them. I never landed it. They think segregation is like a steakhouse in town or something. I don't know. Who cares? They're fucking retards.

They're bad people. And they deserve everything they get. And frankly, I hope they burn in hell Yeah They need Jesus Those two Moving on They have Jesus Oh I bet they do

They go to church for the Eucharist They eat the cracker They come with dip They bring dip to church We heard a song about a chocolate Jesus. We heard a song on that radio. There's the communion wine, and then Will has a big straw going across the room

to sip all the wine. We can't pull out of it. I know. How was Dallas? it's like trying to get it never mind it's like trying to get a car out of a ditch in the mud like the tires are just spinning really like we can't we need to we need to lay two by fours down on the podcast so we can get out of yeah out of will and don the podcast needs chains talking about will and don is like driving on the ice.

You have to like steer into it so you go through it. Because otherwise you'll just flip. Otherwise you'll flip the podcast. Oh, man. Jesus Christ. So how was Dallas? Yeah, how was your trip? I saw mom and dad.

Okay, so here's the thing because i'm not gonna talk about family stuff obviously right but i i have now i went to see the way i went mom and dad boy this is your fourth your fourth screening that's truly it's kind of getting demented right so i even said darren aronofsky be like all right this is fucking knock it off dude aronofsky's like what have i done right he's blocking you on twitter doesn't even follow you he's trying to pull it from theaters so i'll stop watching it yeah he's they're handing out your photos at showings of the whale oh like when you steal from a convenience store have you seen this man yeah don't allow this man. Outside every AMC in America. Yeah, it says, we can't tell if he sincerely

likes it or hates bad people. It's a picture of Ben walking in and he's wearing a whale number one fan shirt. So here's the thing. I have now seen the whale so many times because I've seen it more than that time with mom and dad. You saw it more than the editor saw it.

seen it more than that time with mom and dad you saw it more than the editor saw it you're like the guys who follow the grateful dad i've seen it so many times i now have seen it in an amount of times that i'm not telling you how many times i've seen it oh because you've seen it five actually you haven't given us the real number it's more than that i'm not telling you how many times i've seen it i'm not telling you how many times i've seen it five, actually. You haven't given us the real number. It's more than that. I'm not telling you how many times I've seen it. I'm not telling you how many times I've seen it. You've paid to see the movie over six times? I'm not telling you how many times. If anybody asks now-

This is deranged, actually. If anybody asks now if I've seen The Whale, my reply to that is, that is none of your business. Okay? It's actually none of your business. None of your business. I'm like, all right. Did you ever see The Whale? That's actually none of your business none of your business like all right did you ever see the whale that's actually none of your business ben's going on a whale watching cruise because he gets confused

he's in the middle now she's like i don't even see brendan frazier uh yeah i've seen it uh i've seen it too many times yeah too many times now so your family i haven't like memorized right it's like a pop song to me it's it's like the rocky horror picture show what does your family think of it they just think it's about their neighbor wait who's their name wait what do you mean i don't know just some they live next to you yeah some guy who lives in a round trailer don't they live in Texas? A trailer with the floor bent so it's touching the dirt. I love those.

That's my double wide. They call their house the dimensions. They even call it, yeah. We got one of those fat ass homes. We got one of those 20 footers by 40 footers. 20 footers. So those houses come pre-installed with eight doors on the front right next to each other.

So you can just open them all up. Just roll inside. It's a guy in Texas so fat it's a guy in Texas so fat he opens his door and then instead of walking outside he rolls forward and then back up on his feet

god I wish the whale was set in Texas though he's just dumb as shit he can't read he's getting stuck in cattle guards breaking his legs his gun on his hip keeps going off because he's so fat he's wearing a small cowboy off because he's so fat he's wearing a a small

cowboy hat because he's so fat which is my favorite guy is guy too fat for big hats yeah guy who when he wears big hats they look small he's wearing a 20 gallon hat yeah and it just looks like a like a pop what is it called a little bowler's cap? What's the little ones? It's like those little little party hats. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a bowler hat. Is it a bowler hat? I think it's a bowler hat, yeah. The little ones that suck ass that only really big fat guys from the 1920s wear? The hat that does nothing for no one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It covers like a little bald spot. A little tiny, but yeah, it covers. A hat that you have to glue onto your head to wear. It's an obese man's yarmulke. That's right. Yeah. He's just wearing a bowl.

Yeah. It's like a little ramekin. Mm-hmm. But I think, okay, so I want to defend myself here a little bit. Okay. With the whale. Maybe I've been having a manic episode, and I think that's what this is in hindsight. After I saw it the final time I've seen it,

I realize maybe I've just been having a bit of a thing. Some severe mental health issues. You're not into it the last time? No, no. It's amazing. Still love it. It's amazing. You have seen it too much.

Yeah, yeah. Something's going on with me. But when I love a movie, you know, and it's amazing still love it it's amazing you have seen it too much yeah yeah something's going on with me but when I love a movie you know and it's in theaters and I've seen them I've seen them about that many times no this is this is unforgivable

you don't do this often no but this is sick it's not a fun movie to watch you're a sick bastard at all it's actually it's mentally deranged

it's so good though it's so good it's really good yeah it's amazing once or twice in a lifetime. This movie, I haven't watched a movie that's meant this much to me since I watched The Master by Paul Thomas Anderson. Yeah.

But it's like if you watched Irreversible like nine times. Oh, the Gaspar Noh movie? The Gaspar Noh rape movie. That would be a little weird. That's an eight minute rape scene. Yeah. Yeah. Like if you timed it out so you were only going into the theater at minute rape scene yeah yeah like if you timed it out so

you were only going into the theater at the rape scene and then like walking out like it's a crock pot i'm setting a timer like i have a watch i'm winding you're walking through here you go i'll get one ticket for irreversible uh 49 minutes into the movie you just wait in the lobby on your phone for 48 minutes. I'm playing Angry Birds. Eating peanut M&Ms. You walk out nine minutes later. God, what a flick. He walks out laughing his ass off.

Like it's Naked Gun. Have you seen that rape scene, by the way? Oh, many times. Yeah, it's crazy. I actually haven't watched the movie. Oh, you haven't? Because of the rape scene. Yeah, it's wild. I actually haven't watched the movie. Oh, you haven't? Because of the rape scene. Yeah, it's wild.

Yeah. But you love the sicko. I love that. I love Gasparino. I know you don't really like him. You don't really like him either. I don't even know what we're talking about. You don't know Gasparino?

No. The weird French filmmaker where he just makes movies about people like getting, like, it's just like, oh, it's this crazy scene where like the his penis is the camera and it's going in and out of an Asian guy I don't know why don't you make something that people like how about that how about how about how about that's the work of the artist to make to make your

language be understood by the by people there is part of me that would rather watch like Juana man than what you just described yeah I'd rather watch I'd rather watch fucking Wild Hogs. Ben's explanation, I can tell you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. French fucking faggot that thinks he's a genius because he put a GoPro on a guy's cock.

And he's like, and he's raping a child in my movie. You know I'm a genius because I made a movie that bores even me. Yeah. I made a movie so bores even me. Yeah. I made a movie so bad I didn't even really edit it because I kept falling asleep in the editing. But I'm French, so people will think it's brilliant. Devin should see Enter the Void, though. No, I've seen it. I've seen it.

It's the video game movie where it's all one take. Isn't it like one long- Well, the first 40 minutes is one take from a point of view of a guy doing DMT, and he floats above his body. Yeah. Sounds good. Sounds floats above his body. Yeah. Sounds good. Sounds like a music video. Yeah. It looks like LSD.

It's not a movie. It looks like LSD by- Yeah, yeah. It's for people on- Who's that guy? A$AP Rocky? That music video? Yeah, yeah, right.

Sure, I'm sure people like that have taken from him, and I'm sure he's visually good, but I guarantee it's almost an unwatchable movie. But Devin, he's French. Don't you get it? He's French. His name is Diffro. His name is Gasper. It's the same retards that they just, all you got to do is say a Russian last name and

everyone thinks you're smart. Right. They're like, oh, you haven't watched. You don't know. No, I'm like a smart guy. You didn't read. No, I'm like a smart guy. I said, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You didn't read blah, blah, blah. You have not watched The Prisoner's Gay Dilemma? Mm-hmm. About a man trapped in hell inside of an apartment? Like, I get it. Like, these things stylistically can be great, but like, I don't know. I just have a feeling it's likely not a very fun movie to watch. And it doesn't really... I think great art should get across a very highly specific vision in a in a in a in a met in a um

accept in a in a a publicly acceptable way yes you should be trying entertaining you have to figure out a way to to emit the special language you think or you read with to everybody else that doesn't usually understand what you're talking about right that's if you just do it and it's for a bubble like i'm like i don't really think it's that great because i tried to watch like you know like i'm watching like eight and a half by felini by felini and like midway through i'm like you know what this like like would be great as just jackie chan started doing karate i wish jackie chan ran through the scene in a tuxedo and he i wish he like he did a a bunch of fucking cool moves on scaffolding.

Yeah, you know what would be great is if in Eight and a Half, The Rock and Jason Statham fought each other in a prison. That would be much more fun movie. By the way, you know how many fucking people are going to get on me about shitting on Enter the Void? I've never seen it, but a bunch of people that literally watch video game scenes, and they think that they know what's going on. They think they're watching Enter the Void, but they're just playing GoldenEye.

People that don't skip the storyline in a video game. Sure. That's me. There's a lot of retards out there. You're not, though. You're not. But I like those video games where you get to decide your life. Like I like Life is Strange and Detroit Become Human.

Ben does like the autistic video games. Yeah. I like living. I realized there was something probably wrong with me because Life is Strange is you're like a girl in high school and you're making decisions about like making friends and stuff. And I got really into it and I was like living vicariously through her. I get all that. Listen, these people can be great visually the point of the video game but then i

moved on right yeah it was four days of my life and then i moved on right i get it but these yeah these people that make it i mean the end of the void you showed me like the beginning and like it's really good but i don't give a fuck because it's where's the move where what right do you connect is there people you connect with in the movie? Do you? Do you? No, I don't know what the movie is. Fine, just watch Kevin Hart and Mark Wahlberg's new movie, Devin.

See, that's what people pretend is happening. No, no, no. They pretend it's either Daddy's Home or Gasper No Rapes a Child Tied to a Log. No, go watch Daddy's Home 4. Go watch the movie where it's Kevin Hart in a kayak like and Mark Wahlberg's holding a big salmon. Yeah, the movie's called

Black People Kayaking. No, Devin, enjoy Paddington 4 or whatever the hell. Enjoy your movie Ice Cube is Gay Now. It's the name of the movie. Gay Ice Cube.

Yeah. I guess I think we're at the end here. Oh, okay. I gotta pee, so we can do the next episode. We can get to the next episode. Well, I think I won. You won the fight. I think I won.

You actually, we weren't even fighting because you said you didn't. I'm mad. Frankly, I'm pissed off. What's my favorite movie Grand Theft Auto 4 oh you mean those kind of cut scenes LA Noire

Half-Life can't wait for a Half-Life movie like The Last of Us it's good but it's like it still feels like a video game show cause they're like we have to oh no the only way to get through is through this house full of spooky people. It's a video game level. It's crazy what people are willing to go see. Everyone went to see Puss in Boots, which is a Shrek movie without Shrek.

Yeah, yeah. What? What is that? It's just Puss in Boots. It's the cat. Was the cat even that? I forget if the cat's. It's Antonio Banderas.

Oh, right. And it's like a POC. They can't do Shrek now. He's an Irish guy. Keep it going. Just sell the... Or Scottish. I'm sorry.

It is the people seeing that are the type of people who are like, it taught me that it's okay to have panic attacks. And it's like... It's like... Yeah, yeah. The people, they're all exactly 34. They're all way too online. They're like, I like that in normalized pain.

It's like either get a gun or up your Prozac medication until your brain stops having thoughts anymore because you're not fit for life. Patreon.com slash lemon party. I love that the rape was one of the last words party it seems like a nice sit-off right patreon.com slash lemon party we have many episodes both audio and video behind there uh devin didn't have to start a new channel or did have i did i did you have a new channel youtube.com slash uh hate watch pod okay um that is the episode that is it thank you bye