lemonparty - 016: SeaWorld Seppuku

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty go to www.greekglassshop.com use lemon15 for 15% off www.manscaped.com use code lemonparty for 20% off www.metapcs.com use code lemon for 2% off 00:00:30 soyface 00:01:00 wahlburgers and the superbowl and Mark Wahlberg 00:06:30 Bruce Willis 00:08:00 kevin smith 00:13:30 judd apatow cuck project 00:21:00 don't look up 00:22:00 politics 14 year olds / bruh 00:25:30 manscaped dot com code lemonparty for 20% off 00:27:40 metapcs.com use code lemon for 2% off 00:29:00 fortnite pedophile 00:34:00 madonna roundtable with amy schumer 00:42:30 lil wayne inception and tenet 00:51:30 apes 00:55:00 Atlantis bruh 00:57:00 dolphin suicide and SeaWorld 01:07:00 Halal and free range chicken 01:11:00 black quarterbacks ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 He's like fucking Viet Cong with his soy face. Soy face ambush. Yeah.

I'm like, I was still talking a little shit. Yeah, we were making fun of a dog. What a wonderful pre-Super Bowl pod. Did you guys not want to start yet? No, it's fine. Check, test, a little loud. Testing, one, two. All right.

One, two, buckle my shoe. Ben's got on his green for the Eagles. Oh, I do, I guess. Ben's a big Philly head now. I'm worried for everyone in Philadelphia today if they lose. A Chinese person's going to get beat to death with a cheesesteak. Yeah. Everyone at Pat's just blows their head off with the whiz gun.

Mark Wahlberg flies in to beat up another Chinese guy. Have you ever been to Mark Wahlberg's burger place? Wahlbergers? Wahlbergers, yeah. The biggest, fattest retards on the planet yeah they walk on sunset boulevard there's one there yeah they walk by every single fine establishment and then go right into wallbergers yeah they're walking past like no boo to get wallbergers yeah go to wallbergers get a blinded vietnamese man with cheese

yeah we got a we got a chinese eyeball yeah we're still using that guy's arm we're still using the liquor store owner's arm for meat dude that place it's the it looks like uh the the far side cartoon people yeah they go in there and they think they take i saw someone i was walking by it one day, wanted their picture taken in front of Wahlburgers. Yeah. And I think they think- Mark Wahlburgers is the chef. He's either the chef or he frequents the establishment.

Like, you know how the owner of the bar comes by and shakes everybody's hand and is like, hey, everybody- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody's- Was it cooked well? Yeah, like it's Rocky going around his restaurant like hey you guys enjoy your steak tonight yeah mark walbert's walking around me like all right nice you wait wait right my person's like you're white

right okay well you see you're tired or you're trying to i can't tell i imagine it's just full of people who look like turtle from entourage walking in like that that is exactly what i imagine too i imagine will and don i imagine a guy who's who's kind of so fat that his head permanently fits the fitted cap you know what i mean yeah yeah oh yeah yeah i see what you're saying it's like a thimble and a thumb but for a fitted cap yeah yeah yeah it's like um if you filled a doctor's glove up with water. You know how the fingertips start. And put a chin strap beard around it. A white guy who's still wearing a Terrell Owens earring in 2023.

The white guys, they get their beard shaped and it makes them black. They try and get their beard shaped the way where they're black now. You mean the stenciled beard, right? Yeah, they stencil it in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Love those guys. You love those guys.

God bless them. I'd always love to see one of those guys who gets the stencil but keeps growing it out. Like it gets really long, but it's just a curtain hanging down. By the way, I think Wahlberg's is another place like this. Wahlbergers. What did I say? You said Wahlbergs. Wahlbergers. Respect Wahlbergers. Better name, though. Please. Wahlbergs? another place like this. Wahlbergers. What did I say? You said Wahlbergs. Wahlbergers.

Respect Wahlbergers. Better name, though. Please. Wahlbergs. How you doing? Looking at Wahlbergers. Hey, can I get you? Hey.

Do you want cheese with that? Hey, you know I wake up at 4 a.m. to pray every day, right? Yeah. You know, I could have stopped 9-11. You know? I could have stopped 9-11. If those hijackers were Chinese, I would have stopped 9-11. you know i could stop 9-11 if those hijackers were chinese i would have stopped 9-11 that's every every action movie he does to get in like he's like a strasburg guy to get into

character he imagines transformers as just being asian it's like we gotta stop these monsters every movie he thinks it's all the vietnamese man and indoor jester invincible he's running in the streets of philly just chasing a fucking convenience store owner invincible he thought he was chasing him i can't wait for him to he's gonna star in a movie next year where he's like on a jet pack and he like shoots up and he's just boxing the chinese spy balloon just beating the shit out of it, wrestling it to the ground, falling to the earth.

It's going to be one of those Peter Berg movies where they're like, what if we did Columbine, but there's a fucking racist Irish guy there for some reason. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg's entered the territory of The Rock, where every movie it's like Mark Wahlberg

versus a wall. Oh, interesting. He's kind of becoming one of those guys. And then occasionally he'll do a wacky comedy like Daddy's Home 5. Oh, interesting. He's kind of becoming one of those guys. And then occasionally he'll do a wacky comedy like Daddy's Home 5. Like Bruce Willis does that too. Yeah, well Bruce Willis is in a big fight with his mind at the moment.

He's in a battle for his life. He's in die hard sex with his brain. Yeah, Bruce Willis is in die hard for memories right now. He's crawling through his own ventilation shaft. He's crawling through. Because he still thinks he's in Die Hard. He's crawling through his own vent.

With a Zippo? Mm-hmm. He's like, come out to the coast. We'll have a couple of... And they're like, Bruce, come down. It's like guys in big white suits. Just a never-ending vent. Yeah.

His life now... Holding a gun to a psychiatrist's head. Dude, his life is so much more interesting than any movie you could make now. Yeah. He, I mean, he doesn't know who he is anymore. And he's Bruce Willis. Or what's going on. And he's Bruce Willis.

He's still in movies. Yep. It's memento, but it's way more interesting. It's a weird twist because it's like, imagine everyone knows you except you. Except you. Wow. Right. It's kind of how it should be.

He's like a walking billboard. He has no concept of his own identity. It's like a hacky screenplay where it's a guy who gets recognized by everybody, but he can't recognize himself. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the gayest screenplay writer is writing that on a typewriter somewhere in Hollywood right now.

It's like memento. Yeah. It's like we made a famous homeless person or something. Yeah. They're just wandering down the street with their dick out. Famous homeless person. You're like, oh my God, that's Bruce Willis. He's like, ah.

Throwing his shit at cars. By the way, it would be hilarious if this is all a very clever PR campaign to cover up the wide amount of rapes he committed in Hollywood. He's pretending he just has- Right. He has wiffle ball brain. It's preemptive Harvey Weinstein polio. They're like, just start acting

retarded now so you can get away with the rapes. They're like, Mr. Willis forgot the concept of consent because of his brain. He would be having sex with a woman, she would say no, no, no and he would forget the no's as they were coming in. Can a goldfish really with a woman, she would say no, no, no, and he would forget the no's as they were coming in. He's like a gold... Can a goldfish really rape a woman if he only lives in a three second window?

Your Honor, he had to make a Kevin Smith movie with dementia. Cut him some break. He had to make Cop Out, Your Honor. What Kevin Smith movie? Cop Out. He made some horrible buddy cop movie with Tracy Morgan. Oh man, that sounds bad. And Kevin Smith went on this big diatribe.

He's like, he's a cocksucker. He wouldn't let me wear hockey shirts or whatever. Kevin Smith just being like, I continue to make the worst movies of all time. Kevin Smith's like, yeah, Bruce wanted us to get other shots. Fucking asshole. He wanted a second draft of my script.

We made the movie in 13 hours and bruce had a problem with that right he didn't like that i write my scripts on an old pac-man screen in crown dude kevin smith everywhere he goes he looks like he just got pants and he refuses to pull them up to acknowledge the fact that someone definitely pants them you've seen those photos of him, right? You're talking about the old photos of him? Like, squeegeeing his car? Yeah, well, old.

I mean, yeah, I guess. Well, he's looked ridiculous in two completely opposite directions. Yes. Now he looks like McGruff the crime dog, now that he's lost weight. He's always wearing a big suit jacket. Yeah, and he's always hiking Runyon. Nothing worse than when a guy gets healthy. I love Kevin.

I honestly love Kevin Smith as a person. I love his talking. He's great. I read his book in high school where it's just about him taking shits and letting his dogs out back. That was like the whole book. He's just taking huge dumps and letting his dogs out. Are his talks where he just i mean look at

him i mean come on he's so fat dude he was he was so heart attack yeah he was so fat he would buy these shorts that looked like jinkos but they're just shorts they're just shorts yeah yeah he looks worse now though he looks like grown-up like aj soprano holy shit he looks like silent bob like trying to get a bank loan or something. Like they're trying to start their own convenience store. He looks great now. He lost a ton of weight. I love Kevin Smith.

I just don't really care for his movies too much. But I think he's an incredible speaker. I love everything about him except everything he makes and produces. Yeah, I'm always like, well, who cares about what you made, Kevin? Just talk. I think people slept on Red State. Red State was like, well, who cares about what you made, Kevin? Just talk. I think people slept on Red State. Red State was actually

really well done. Which John Goodman, and it was kind of panned, and I thought it was actually, I thought it was pretty good. Me too. I enjoyed it. Dogma's not bad.

I like Dogma. Dogma's okay. That's not terrible. There's a few good scenes, so it's a little too long. Yeah, yeah. Clerks, you rewatch, you're like,

this is just like a shitty student film. Yeah, Clerks, I'm like, dude, this is anything on YouTube right now. But the writing's good writing's funny you know made waves dude what was kevin smith's weed movie that he put out right when the pandemic started it was the biggest hunk of shit i've ever seen like his kids work at a gas station he all these guys just put their kids and everything johnny depp's kids in it it's just it's a big grown-up cum fucking festival. Yeah, he's like Judd.

He's Tubbs Apatow. Yeah. I'm already giving up. Tubbs Apatow. He made some weed movie where it was like a Cheech and Chong thing, and it was one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. I don't really know what you're talking about. No, it wasn't.

Holly Weed. It was called Holly Weed. Yeah, it was a huge hunk of shit. That came and went. Yeah. Starring Adrian Brody? Jesus Christ. Wait, really? That's what it says on the yeah no no no that's uh if you're are you looking over here jace i was looking up there to hollywood tv movie oh adam brody excuse me my apologies no no no jace to adrian that's not this that's not this this is hollywood hollyweed

with with uh oh shit that's fucking don Don L, yeah, who's hilarious. Yeah. But it's, again, it's like he, you have to do more than one draft of a script. That poster looks like it was made to be sold on a subway, like out of a plastic bag. No, that looks like Tommy Wiseau, like, you know, went to Venice.

And made a shitty movie. Garage rock Tommy Wiseau. I mean, you can't made a shitty movie. Garage Rock Tommy Wiseau. I mean, you can't name a movie Hollyweed. No. You can't have a movie about two guys working at a weed dispensary in Hollywood. He rode it high, man. He likes to smoke a big dupe and write feature length films. You know his first pitch on this was like, what if we did Tally from South Park? What if we gave him his

own movie? We gave him his own vehicle. Yeah. I like Kevin Smith, but he is the guy who gets the like Bart Simpson smoking a joint t-shirt at Spencer's Kiss. Yeah, he says like cowabunga. Cowabunga. He has like an I love mom tattoo. Hey folks, want to

talk to you about one of our newest sponsors. That's GreekGlassShop.com. GreekGlassShop is made by this guy, Augustus, who's a big fan of the podcast. So we're doing an advertisement for him. It's audio only because YouTube has certain restrictions. What he wanted us to let you know is that if you go to GreekGlassShop.com and use the discount code LEM you'll get 15 off on products and so what we say is this is a place that sells glass art but it's kind of in the way when you go into a smoke shop and they sell a lot of glass art yes glass art the type you could smoke out of the type if you

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than are 10 times less expensive than what you would see in a tobacco shop so uh go check out a friend of the pod site and uh support his business yeah i have a couple they're great great hits very smooth they're beautiful looking. It's art. Yeah. Thanks. Bye. I love Kevin Smith. Honestly, he was a huge influence on me growing up. But just him. Him.

Not the movies. I didn't even know he made movies. Not the movies. I just thought he answered questions on stage and was really funny and told great stories. And then I was like, oh, he made movies? And then I watched him and I'm like, I don't know about that. I'm not sure. Didn't think that was that great.

Right. Just speak. Just speak. Just talk. Don't rewrite what you speak and then put it down and then film it. He's basically a guy that he just kind of got screwed by having to direct his own writing. Yeah, yeah. You know?

Like if he was able to just- To adapt a book or something? Because the first thing he made, he happened to direct it, so then everyone's like, he's a writer-director, but he really should have just been writing stuff and then other people that know how to use cameras. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's right and he's like no you just stand behind the counter and talk for an hour and a half yeah that's a movie it's like he's doing dogma 95 but he doesn't understand like he's doing like a minimalist shoot but it's because he's too retarded to do other stuff he's doing that what was that that thing it was like natural lighting that uh fucking oh you're talking about the harmony corinne thing where like where there's eight rules where they can only use lighting

on set. They have to use actors from within three miles of the... It was the guy who did Antichrist, Lars von Trier. Oh, right. No, Lars von Trier didn't do that shit. Oh, did he not? No, no, no. Lars von Trier didn't do that shit. Lars von Trier made Zack and Mary make a porno. That was him actually. That is

actually my favorite movie. That was him stretching. Yeah, yeah. That was the movie where he's like, you guys want to see a Jay's cock was him stretching yeah yeah that was the movie where he's like you guys want to see a jay's cock what if we put that in a movie what if we put a heroin addict's cock in a movie zach and mary make a porno was just kevin smith being like a fucking rogue seth rogan does all these judd apatow movies i'm gonna make a judd apatow movie but with porn yeah i'll make the the second half of Funny People Homeless. Yeah. Funny People is two movies. You think Judd Apatow, he dies if his kids aren't in a movie? Do you think God has some sort of agreement with him?

If your entire family isn't in your next movie, you die. Yeah, I feel like he sold his soul to the devil. Yeah. But in exchange, all of your children have to be cast in your film yes yep and your wife and i and i swear to god like i will fucking kill you right now if you're if if you you're you don't get your wife to fuck paul rudd every movie your wife better be banging paul rudd in front of you yeah it is like an 80 million dollar like cuck project that he films. It's such an elaborate. He has to write.

Yeah, he has to do all this elaborate work just to watch Paul Rudd fuck his wife. It's ultimate fantasy. What if my wife was fucking an attractive Jewish person? Me, Judd Apatow, my ultimate fantasy. It doesn't even look like the kids want to be on screen. When you watch the Apatow, they're like turning around. They don't even know a movie's being filmed. Get away.

Dad. All the movies he makes, they're like turning around. They don't even know a movie's being filmed. Get away! Dad! All the movies he makes, they all just do them in his mansion. The kids don't even know they're on film. I mean, every movie he makes is about people where they're like, I guess we have to sell the Beamer. There's no real problem. It's just white people, rich problems. His kids think Paul Rudd is their dad.

They're confused. They have no clue what's happening. They think Judd Apatow's the stepdad. They're like in Synecdoche, New York. They don't know what their life is and what the art is anymore. Right, right. It's all going in and out. I remember Gary Shandling mouth-fucked mom one night.

I don't even know. Was it Gary Shandling? What did you say? Was it Larry Sanders? I don't know who mouth-fucked my mom. He's like, I'm the king of bromance. Disregard Paul Rudd fucking my wife in 17 movies in front of me. Dude, the Apatow family probably lives in the Shining Hotel, but for comedy, where people

are just coming and going. No one has any clue what's going on. Yeah. And it's crazy such a real comic can make all those movies. Because Judd is one of the greatest stand-ups ever. And when he was going off on Louis, I was like, hey, God has spoken. I respect any comic who takes 20 years off until they're so famous the comedy store has to put them up. Yeah, I love that.

You know what I fucking hate about Judd Apatow? And if I ever met him, I'd tell him this to his face. When the Louis thing happened, he went like on a press tour. He went on a press tour. He like got on planes. He acted like Louis shot up Sandy Hook. He literally was on radio shows acting like Louis C.K. has been killing children. Because of a joke.

He did like a press junkie. You're right. No, he literally did. He was like, get me on every show. He did like Jim and Sam. Yeah. He's called. He's never done. show. He did like Jim and Sam. Yeah, yeah. He's called- The show he's never done. He's called him like Byron Allen.

Yeah. He's like, get me on Comics Unleashed. Yeah, all of a sudden, Judd Apatow's on like Bubba the Love Sponge's show to talk shit about Louis. Fuck off. I met Judd Apatow's personal assistant one time. Oh, did you really? Somebody was trying to get me.

Yeah, because back in the day, you know, when I thought shit would happen for me and stuff in the normal route, people used to try and introduce me to people and i had to hang out with that guy for a whole night he sucked ass and it made everything made sense after that night he's just a little dweeby guy with glasses and he kind of like kind of has that camp counselor vibe where like every anything you say that's a little edgy he's like i don't know about that whoa judd's assistant or yeah Judd's like personal assistant guy. But like they said he was going to become a writer on stuff, you know. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

These people just end up giving like they let like the guy that gets them coffee, right? Like feature like movies. They just don't care. Yeah, yeah. You know. But yeah. Anyway, those days are done. Yeah, let the guy who buys the pins at Office Max, let him, give him one of the pins.

Let Jonah do it. Let him, let him. The guy who runs the bank's nephew, he gets to do the next comedy. Who's the guy that always gets my order right? Let him write the film. Jonah Rothschild, you write This Is 40. Jonah Rothschild.

God, I would love if it was just him. Like, the reason he keeps making these movies this is 40. Jailer Rob Giant. God. I would love if it was just him. Like, the reason he keeps making these movies is his whole family is abusing him.

You know? Just like demanding that they make another movie for the whole family. Yeah. Torturing him. Like, he's at a typewriter

and they're just like putting cigarettes out on his back. because they want to go on a big trip to Mars next summer. And they're like, Dad,

we need more money. His life right now is probably like misery they have him chained to a bed right and they're making him right every day they're like you write from 6 to 12 and then from 12 to 6 you have bad takes on twitter that's your job now he doesn't even have takes on twitter he just retweets the news right that's his whole life is retweeting articles against trump this this is what happens when you're like um when you're abused by a bunch of women yeah you become you become unfunny yeah i agree and you're totally out of control i watched an interview with adam mckay the other day it was

like uh i mean it might as well have been an accountant giving an interview you would have no idea the guy's even uh was ever funny no or ever wrote anything funny i know his only job is to like be on charlie even though that was canceled just like the idea of being on charlie rose with tiny glasses yeah yeah talking about a guy who was president 15 years ago exactly adam mckay like thinks nobody lived through the bush administration he's making movies about like William McKinley Or something He's like that's the root of all evil

It's like alright well you know What is it two decades ago He doesn't know how to balance making a comedy And making a real movie There's no like tone to any of the real movies He's tried making lately Like Vice and Don't Look Up and shit It's just a guy that

has no like he has no grasp of uh of of of uh discipline his movies are just full of like long scenes of jonah hill making like wacky jokes and ad-libbing and then it's like supposed to be a serious movie and then it's cut in with like just a nature footage of like a bear like shitting a cob yeah yeah he also seems to think that just like a bunch of cuts of like, oh, it's a dead mouse and then it's the sun and then it's the tsunami. Right. I'm like, oh, am I watching Terrence Malick? It's funny or die Terrence Malick.

You guys are like not smart enough to get. Okay, so let me break down his newest movie for you guys. What did he make recently? One with the meteor. It's called Don't Look Up. First of all, great title. Because meteor it's called don't look up first of all great great title because you don't want because you look up don't look up just keep your head in this yeah it's kind of this metaphor for like you know cows in a field you know like livestock they never look up yeah yeah you know what i'm saying yeah you know those hollywood

elites that they're really they're really pissed off by the people running this country, even though at the same time they think everyone in the country should die and is a retard that can't spell or think. What's the opposite of a humanitarian, I guess a genocidal maniac? They're closer to that. They're closer to Mao. But here's the thing, Devin. Here's the problem. You have a small brain.

Both of you have small brains. You don't get it. Okay? The movie's called Don't Look Up. First of all, both of you probably would have named it something like Meteor Mayhem. Some sort of alliterative device. I would have named it Look Up. I don't get it.

I'm like, well, they should look up. So I name it that. But I'm not wise and I don't get it i'm like well just they should look up so i name it that but i'm i'm not wise and i don't get metaphors like that i'm the guy who watches the whole don't look up and then somebody's like you know it's about climate i'm like what i thought it was that was a meteor wait you're telling me there's pollution destroying the world? Honestly, I don't see it. Do you think politics are going to kill us all? Yeah. I do love that entertainment the past few years where it just became people being like,

well, you know, the thing is the government, they're a little corrupt. And I'm like, whoa. Dude, I feel like I just smoked my first doobie right now. Yeah, you're just putting on a leather jacket as you're listening to it. Yeah, a guy who thinks he's Dice Clay is going like, yeah, the Republicans? A little fucked up.

Guys, it's bad on the... They're lying on the right and they're lying on the left. Yeah. And I'm just supposed to be like, damn, if I was 14, this would blow my fucking dick off right now. It's just guys who are Bill Hicks. They're just happy no one knows about Bill Hicks anymore. They're just like, it's all a ride, man.

It goes up and down and round and round. We could take old Bill Hicks clips, edit big sneakers onto him, and make him go viral on TikTok. He'd be D'Leon on TikTok, yeah. CGI-ing huge sneakers and a big Matt Rife jacket. Yeah, I'm CGIing a fade onto Bill Hicks. That curly broccoli hair.

Yeah, the broccoli hair. And a cross earring. And I'm making him say, bruh, every once in a while. Bill Hicks is like, it's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on it, bruh. Immediately, millions of views. Everyone's like, who is this guy? This guy gets it. This guy is based.

Dude, it's kind of like, you know, people call it politics. I call it polytricks. Bruh. I'm non-Bidenary. I'm non-Bidenary? Bidenary? God, we gotta make that as merch make like four million dollars wish i could have been there brother but i'm non-bidenary

bruh bruh by the way if you are a grown man saying bruh just just so you know, I met a couple... What? I just already know you're about to do a big call for violence or something. Well, I don't know about that. If it's a Patreon, I will. If it's a Patreon, I will. Patreon's where we get really violent about it.

Yeah. Second and third graders say bruh constantly. So I'm just letting you know, if you are a grown man about it. Second and third graders say bra constantly. So I'm just letting you know if you are a grown man and you say bra, you have the emotional intelligence. Of a third

grade. Of a third grade. Congratulations. You might as well be making macaroni necklaces like you're a child. You might as well have glue on your fingers. Go finger paint. It's appropriate because any comedian who does that is probably a pedophile. Statistically. I got pissed off at this one guy who replied to me yesterday.

He did the shittiest fucking thing you can do on Twitter. He replied, Huh? To a joke I made. Before you explain your joke, can you help explain where I am? They're trying to insinuate

that you're so dumb, you made them dumber. Yeah, yeah. Because you're such a buffoon. Yeah, it's a brilliant response. They're perplexed. Perplexed. As if I was running wild

through the street naked with my dick and balls flapping everywhere. And I just have shit all over my hands. And it's just, it's flying all over the place. And you're going, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Hold on. Let me get this guy real quick. I'm going to act retarded. This motherfucker, though, the reason I bring this up, clicked on his profile. Twitch guy. this motherfucker though the reason i bring this up clicked on his profile twitch game adult who plays fortnite for a living yeah for statistically a violent pedophile statistically yeah yeah best case scenario a a building block in the decline of like just american media that's the best case scenario is you are he's american

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a snake yes on the computer yeah loved it the best graphics I've ever seen is it made I mean you should have played something with like a little bit more like look test out the graphics and everything. Devin played Pong. Yeah, I like old games.

Devin turned it on. He goes, I can't believe Pac-Man looks this great. He's an idiot. Yeah, I wasn't playing God of War Ragnarok on it, which I should have. Yeah. Devin's playing the pin uh game that's uh the pinball game that's loaded up on like 2007 windows computers you know the space arcade yeah space arcade devin's playing that's what i play on meta pcs but anyway use code lemon at

meta pcs.com and you can get one of these bad boys and you can start doing crazy stuff with it. Thank you, MetaPCS.com. Literally, one of the big adult Fortnite streamers, the guy that had the pink beard and blue hair. Oh, the ninja guy or whatever? No, no, no. This guy. He went away for a while. Fortnite

streamer pedophile. Yeah, it's going to pull up way too many results. Your computer starts smoking and the fan's going crazy. This guy. Oh, I mean. Which it kind of goes back to Devin's whole thing where he's like, if I was a judge, I should be able to look at people.

Why would you not sentence him with that? Why would you even go through a trial? I mean. Why would you go through a trial for this man? That look, because he's got blue hair, a pink beard, but he still has pedophile glasses. Imagine making a jury wake up to come judge whether he's guilty or not. Right. Throw him in a fucking volcano.

They would never be able to get a non-biased jury, because you'd show the photo and they'd be like, oh yeah, we're not going to. Right. Whatever the facts are, that guy's going to jail he's going to prison yeah what do you think miss johnson from crenshaw's gonna like really have some uh open opinions about him that guy looks like pedophile neapolitan ice cream he's going to jail yeah yeah he looks like yeah that guy looks like a rocket pop. In jail, they'd be like, dude, you're too gay to rape.

Fuck you. He's like, yeah, what kind of Legos do you like to play with? He's like, well, I have a pink beard because little girls like pink. Oh, God. Dude, he looks like he's an incel for being a pedophile. Like, he still can't get pussy if they're eight. He still has no game. Yeah, yeah.

He can't even make a kid come. The kid has to fake an orgasm. The kid's yawning. They went through getting molested. Shaking his head. Yeah, the kid's like, deeper. I mean, if you're going to waste my time, at least fucking hit my back wall.

Just a 12-year-old 12 year old like well that was quick he's smoking a cigarette yeah candy cigarette yeah candy well thanks for wasting my time putting back on his overalls and his like little red hat he's got a frog in his front pocket the entire time oh i was hoping you'd sleep over. No, sorry. My mom's going to pick me up here in a bit. Yeah, sorry.

I got to get in a big wheel, like Barbie car. Like, no, no, I'll totally text you. The little electric. The little electric car? Yeah, that goes like three miles. She's like, no, no, I'll totally, I'll hit you back. We're going to, no, this was not bad. We're going to hang again. And then just. This was not bad. We're going to hang again.

Getting on the highway. Pulling out a little fake Mattel cell phone and be like, girl, you would not believe the short dick I just got. He's talking with a black accent. Pedophiles have no endurance probably in the bedroom because it's like 35 years they've waited for this moment.

Oh, they blow their load immediately. It's their wedding night every time they fuck. Yeah. If you're a pedophile, jack off before so you don't get embarrassed. Word to the wise. Word to the wise, pedos. Jack off before. You don't want to have one in the chamber.

Right. And it brings us to our ad for bluechew.com. If you're a pedophile who can't fuck a kid, take Blue Chew. I wish we did have an ad this week. If I knew then what I know now. Now that I'm older and wiser. Right. Let me teach you how to make a kid cum.

See, it's all about the anticipation. I'm imagining the 40,000 people are slowly like, I'm imagining them as TVs and they're all unplugging them. All of our families. They're all unplugging them like one by one, like Christmas lights going out when one pops and it goes like that. It's like an old news channel station from the 80s. People are leaving.

They're going home. Yeah. It's the architect from the Matrix and he's just switching every TV off. Like, well, I don't need to hear the make a kid come bit. He's like, well, there's no artistic anything to this, right? This is just fat. This is smut. Right.

It's just foul. And then he turns on chasing Amy. Like I like Kevin Smith. Yeah. He goes out back. He cleans up his dead chickens from the East Palestine, Ohio fucking explosion. Goes back inside and puts on Lemon Party. He's like pretty dark outside.

It's 1 p.m. But pretty dark outside. I'm going to stay. I'm going to stay. Yeah. Well, I can't go outside because my eyes keep falling out when I look at the sky. Yeah, I just saw Madonna pop up from the mud. Yeah, Madonna's the swamp beast created by the East Palestine. The East Palestine Ohio Loch Ness Monster is Madonna.

Did you see that clip? She had a round table where it's Reggie Watts and Amy Schumer and stuff. She's talking about set. It's filmed in black and white. She looks like Fiona from Shrek. Oh, that is it! She looks like Fiona from Shrek if she was really

into Allen Iverson. Wait, what am I typing in? Type in Madonna, Amy Schumer maybe will pull it up. Oh, Christ. Oh, yeah, Lil Wayne. You are a fag. Lil Wayne is there?

So it's just a bunch of people that are suffering from it. I'll be there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is like an actor's round table in hell. Jesus Christ. No, I feel like I'm hurtling through the bowels of hell.

And this is flashing in front of me. If Madonna was in a horror movie, it would win like an Oscar for best special effects. It's the guy who gave himself a heart attack making the thing, created Madonna's plastic surgery. Yeah, this is the actor's round table

for actors with radiation poisoning. This is hereditary too. This is the actor's round table for actors with radiation poisoning. This is hereditary, too. This is the new Ari Aster film. I mean, look at her. Look at Madonna. She looks satanic. This material girl is hitting the road. I mean, Madonna's like, you know, I used to be the biggest pop star in the world,

and now I want to look like Chris Birdman Anderson. That's my goal. My goal is to look like one of Jesse Pinkman's friends. Can you give me the I've been addicted to meth in Albuquerque look? She looks like absolute shit. I think that might be it.

She's like, I want to look like Michael Keaton at the end of Birdman. After he shot his nose. Right. What if the elephant man was a wigger? Can I get that? The elephant man?

The elephant man. Okay, there we go. Elephant man. Is Sam Smith there? Is he dressed like a kielbasa? Make sure you all know why you're here. He looks like such shit. Dude, he looks like a Spongebob character Make sure you all know why you're here. He looks like such shit. Dude, he looks like a Spongebob character.

I love these people. They just ruin their lives. They get one good album and then they ruin their lives. It's the black one. Look at that. Dude, he looks like a gay anchor. He looks like you throw him off a rainbow boat to stay in place. Gay anchor.

Dude, this is like a Rorschach test, and if you fail it, he fucks you in the ass. That's what it is with the inkblots, right? Yeah, exactly. He is a butterfly after the East Palestine train explosion. That's what they look like. Dude, he looks like he's in gay Silent Hill. Yeah. By the way, how did he sit down at the awards ceremony?

You can't sit. He maybe deflates them. I know. Oh, he deflates his legs. Maybe he deflates his legs. He deflates his pants. He deflates the pants. I don't know.

I don't know why. I mean, if that guy sat next to me. He hits like a bus break and it goes. He deflates the pants. I don't know. I don't know why. I mean, if that guy sat next to me. He hits like a bus break and it goes, he sinks down. They're like, Sam Smith, who's your fashion designer?

He goes, oh, Nathan Fielder, this new guy. Can you imagine them just sitting and him next to like Migos or something? Ben, go to the

Madonna thing that Jace brought up. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're losing track of our retards here. Jerome. Is that Jack Black? Jack Black. This is tough. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're losing track of our retards here. Jerome. Is that Jack Black? Jack Black.

This is tough. By the way, do you know, you told me this yesterday. He's Jewish. Jack Black is Jewish. Yeah. His mom is Jewish, and she was one of the ladies from Hidden Figures.

She did, like, the math for the rocket that went to the moon. Jack Black's mom was a black lady? Yeah, that's how he got the name. We gonna go to the moon jack black's mom was a black lady that's how he got the name we gonna go to the moon baby you telling me jack black is was jewish i was for a moment i was like they do kind of run everything yeah like that just pushed me over the edge like i was hanging on the edge of anti-semitism yeah yeah pick of destiny was about him meeting his dad i was on the cliff of the jewish question of the jq and i've you're like you know jack blatt i'm just falling right i'm like free right into just being

radicalized deep ants i said and then i'm yelling after you paul rudd is jewish too i'm like but he's so good looking I'm like but he's so good looking full Jewish Ben just falling to a big pit marked QAnon I love that Ben just called the Jewish question JQ that's what they call it the JQ

Ben's just down there with Deshaun Watson and fucking the guy who runs like the black muslims god what's that guy's name um the black malcolm x killed oh lewis farrakhan yeah yeah he did have malcolm x that's your version of this round table has been interviewing lewis farrakhan and deshaun watson yeah eric andre judd apatow, just some woman that I'm sure they gave a camera to. Eric's awesome, by the way. Have you talked to him?

He's fucking great. I like Eric Andre. He's cool as shit. He seems like he was dragged into this. Who's this other guy right here next to the lady? I don't know. This is Jeffrey Epstein. He's humor.

Oh. Truth or dare? Dare, bitch. Wow, starting off with a dare. I want you to show me with this spread how you- Madonna is terrifying. She looks like she's being held captive by Di Antwoord. She looks like she's in a cage and Di Antwoord feeds her bugs through their tongue.

Like they stick their tongue out and there's this bunch of red ants on it. Yeah. Yeah, she's in District 9 right now. This isn't, she looks like she's in District 9. She looks like a fucking prune, man. She looks like utter shit. How do you look worse than Riff Raff?

I don't know, man. It's crazy. It's insane. I feel like the cinematographer white balances camera just by zooming in on her face. That's why they put it in black and white. Like there's no,

you can tell there's no color. They made it black and white because they were like, people will be terrified of this. Her skin's gray now. The blood doesn't reach the surface. Her body is like the Earth's crust. She probably

looks similar to... These people do so much to their body that when they die and they're laying on a big steel sheet in a morgue, they look the same. Yeah. They probably don't even decay at a certain point. If you bury Madonna,

it would kill all the grass above her. Because of microplastics? Yeah, trees in the cemetery would just wilt and die. Like a robot would grow out of the ground. You feel like the cemetery would ice over. They're going to use her as evidence in a big lawsuit against Roundup. She does look like a bug's life a little bit. She's a Pixar character.

This is terrifying looking. She's a terrifying woman. Asshole. Go back a little bit because this question is so crunchy. Okay, what's the question? Will you eat these bugs? Madonna looks like the bug. And Amy goes, I will, bitch.

Madonna looks like the bug that Amy Schumer will eat in the future. Yeah. She looks like Amy Schumer's soul. This is tough. Amy Schumer's soul. This is tough. Amy Schumer. Oh. Truth or dare? Dare, bitch.

Wow. Start off with me. Yeah, because you can't tell the truth. You're Amy Schumer. We get it. She's like, dare. I dare you to love another human being. Truth.

Do you steal all your jokes? Well, let's do a dare. Right. I dare you to tell me if you stole all your jokes. I dare you. Truth, did you marry an autistic man because you can treat him like a slave? Did you marry an autistic chef

because you're a sociopath? Did you marry an autistic frying pan? Truth or dare? Did you marry a robot that cooks food? Didn't you marry an air fryer? Alright, Dare. I dare you to talk about all the times you admitted to rape in speeches in 2015. Yeah.

If you haven't, by the way, go Google Amy Schumer's admitted to rape three times in speeches. Stolen Patrice's jokes. Dare. I want you to show me with this bread how you lick your husband's butt. She said bread, but it looks like worms. It looks like human ears. Asshole.

I mean, butthole. Little Wayne has no clue where he is. Oh my god, what's happening? Nope. Help! He does have a gaping butthole. I don't think he'd mind me saying. Lil Wayne, he stops the whole conversation.

He's like, y'all see Inception? He's like, that shit was crazy. Because when it was wobbling. Like a dream within a dream within a dream, motherfucker. Lil Wayne's putting a big top on the table. He goes, when the top stops spinning, you don't know if you're in a dream, motherfucker. Lil Wayne's putting a big top on the table. He goes, when the top stops spinning, you don't know if you're in a dream or not. You ever take a bath and feel like you're Leo?

Like you're falling back in that shit? He's like, I want to do that shit with the van. He's like, don't even get me started on Tenet. You told the Tenet. You're telling me time can go backwards? Tenet is about a person that lives in an apartment complex. He going

like this back. He moving back. He talking backward. He's on some Twin Peaks Red Room shit. He's like that little motherfucker speaking backwards and shit Yeah sometimes I drink so much It feels like I'm a tenant

You know the other day I thought it was inception because I woke up On a beach but it's just because I OD'd on a boat Christopher Nolan should make a movie about Scissor Six foot seven foot foot, eight foot. Lil Wayne, you're disassociated. Lil Wayne, you're in hell talking to Madonna. Lil Wayne, you're actively having a seizure right now.

This does seem like God designed black hell as you go talk to Madonna and Amy Schumer in a black and white room. And Lil Wayne's laughing. So she doesn't eat the bread. Is it a thing where she doesn't do carbs or something? No, but Madonna said, show me how you eat your husband's asshole

with this circle bread. I couldn't even follow that. I didn't even catch that. That's what happened. Yeah, and that's the way Amy Schumer goes, nope. And then she goes, my husband does have a gaping asshole though, so he wouldn't mind.

And then Madonna laughed and she has like a full front and top grill. Yeah. So. She's becoming Bicentennial Man. She's like Robin Williams. Dude, she does belong in a RoboCop movie. Yeah, she looks like the Tin Man.

She looks like she needs oil. She's Megan. She looks like she drinks WD-40. Right. She looks like that scene in Robocop where you could take her whole body apart into pieces and just show her beating heart. And one hand is the only thing that's left. Somehow Amy Schumer's still the most unhealthy person at this round table.

Yeah, somehow. A little way to Madonna. A little way to Madonna. You can hear Amy Schumer's heart beating. It sounds like an earthquake. Who are these other people? This is fascinating. Keep this on, Ben.

Oh, you want to watch some more? I want one more second. I can't even follow it. I don't know what they're saying. They're speaking like in tongues. To me, this is like the looking glass. It's like Alice in Wonderland. They're speaking in pedophile tongues.

It's conversations like this that made Mel Gibson go insane. Right. He's like, I'm around sinners and Jews. This is the reason Mel Gibson just walks around town calling Jews sugar tits all day. Okay, now Eric, it's your turn. This is kind of like sad and gross. Sad and gross and Harry Potter. He means that.

He hates it. He hates this. Fuck Eric, Andre. What's great about him is they all laugh at him. Like, oh, Eric's just being a comedian. He's like, no, I hate this. He's a prankster. He likes, he's leaving.

He's leaving early. He loves to prank. No, Eric's a professional josher. Right. Classic prank by Eric. He's going and screaming at his manager for booking this right now. Eric's a professional josher. He's a professional josher.

He joshes. Eric's a professional josh he's a professional Josh yeah he Josh is also known as Diplo come on my first thought was dip your balls in the margarita and finish the rest of it you're so highbrow I do it yes you do you can't go over there and hide it you gotta show Madonna. Yes! Who asked for this, though? Like, I'm not trying to be like the guy that, like, who asked for this? But, like, who, what is, like, literally, what is it?

You know what? I don't even think this is some, like, Academy Award bullshit. I think Madonna is, this is, it says the tour celebration. Oh, you know what I think? Oh, I know what this is. She does stand-up now. She does half stand-up, half, I forgot she's a stand-up comedian. She's announcing her tour,

and she's trying to show people she's a comedian, being funny with other comedians. She did stand-up on Fallon. She probably watches Paul Provenza's Green Room, and she wants to do something like that. It is unbelievable how no matter what, stand-up gets everybody. It gets everyone.

You could be Madonna and you end up being the biggest loser on earth. You could be the president of America and get sucked into being like, well, you know, I was at the comedy store the other day. The last bastion of somebody with nothing left is stand-up comedy. And Madonna's doing it now. Remember the guy who created that 70s show? One of the co-creators was always at open mics with us, and he was worth like $80 million.

Yeah. He was still just trying to go up in his 60s, trying out bits. He's like, I'm trying to open for Red Band. She did stand up on Jimmy Kimmel. On what's this show? Madonna makes her on The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon, it says here. Yeah.

I bet it's not bad. I bet it's pretty good. I bet it's actually. I bet it's not bad. I bet it's not bad. What if she went up and it was like the greatest stand up you've ever seen? It was like 1995 Chris Rock. I mean, now the bar is literally, it's in a pit.

It's buried in a hole. No, now you stand on the bar. And drive it further into hell. And you push it down. People now think you're supposed to be above the bar. The world is upside down. People are walking on the ceiling. No one knows what's going on.

Yeah, people think the Earth's crust is the floor. Because that's how low the bar is. Every conversation you have with these people, they're like, you know what north means? It's actually south. South is north, east is west, and west is east. Get it? Right. And men are pregnant.

What the fuck's going on? Directions are ableist. Don't tell him where to go. Taylor Lorenz. Everybody delete your Google Maps. It's ableist. Waze is ableist. Sorry, doing South Park voice.

Or whatever. I don't even know. Yeah. Actually, we live in the ocean now. And land is where fish are. Everything's fucking topsy-turvy. It really, I mean, like, the most famous artists of all time are trying to be funny. And comedians are trying to talk about, like.

Comedians are trying to be artists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to talk about, like. No, comedians are trying to be politicians like... Comedians are trying to be artists. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to talk about like... No, comedians are trying to be politicians. Be politicians and be cool rock stars and all the rocks they're trying to become. And make serious philosophical points. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is always like, I tune into a comedy podcast to watch a narcissist talk about global politics. I'm like, yeah, let me get a millionaire narcissist with no education,

our sense of morality, to break down the Chinese-American diplomatic solutions. But give me a bruh here and there. Yeah, give me a bruh. Relate to the layman with a bruh. Just sprinkle in a bruh. Come on, throw me a bruh. Throw me a bone.

Throw me a bruh. Throw me a bruh. Throw me a bruh. Throw me a bruh. Throw me a bruh Throw me a bone. Throw me a bra. Throw me a bra. Throw me a bra. Throw me a bra. Throw me a bra while you dissect life. Dude, I'm still laughing at the elephant mane. Mane, yeah. Elephant mane. Yeah.

I'm not an animal, shit. I'm a fucking animal, shit. I'm going to take a big nap with my head down on the pillow. Wait, are they trying to kill him because he is like he's doing Ave too much because he's a wigger right I think it's just the first black guy in England and they think he's like a mutant

or something and so it's Anthony Hopkins just showing like a black guy from Atlanta to like a bunch of Victorian doctors you'll notice the jawline as a pencil line beard. Like fascinating. Fascinating. He's like,

she stops looking at me and shit. It's just a, it's a guy who looks like LeBron James. It's Gucci man. Yeah. Handsome black gentleman. Yeah, exactly.

He's like seven feet tall. Just a guy who works for FedEx. He's like, man, I got to deliver these packages. Like, you notice the musculature of the upper forearm, if you see here. A divine creature of God's freak will. They throw balls through nets. Yeah. You know what's funny? Apes do religious What a segue

You were, hold on What did I say? You said He was talking about the NBA No, he's talking about it like An old racist academic Would talk about black people What were you about to say though?

If you're fully changing topics, then you're safe. Apes. You better have gone to the zoo recently. This better be a segue into your day at the zoo. Because sometimes we're navigating a laser field

like we're trying to rob a bank, and then Ben just throws his entire body through the lasers and lands on his head with his neck sideways. My spine snaps. I'm just being burned by all the lasers. Yeah, alarms going off. After we just did like Catherine Zeta-Jones moves for like 15 minutes, Ben's like, I'm just kidding.

Burned a lot yeah yeah all the lasers focus on you and just set you on fire they were like release raw wires just chewing you to pieces oh fuck okay well what

what were you going to say apes have been studied doing like religious practices in the jungle. You mean molesting younger apes? We figured out apes are Catholic. There's a gorilla with a collar just raping every

child gorilla. Father Harambe. They bury their dad and molest their children. They're like, we're actually transferring this gorilla to a different zoo because of some issues with the congregation. Oh, yeah. Oh, fuck. Hold on. What I was saying is they've been seen doing things that don't benefit their survival in any way,

which means they are doing some sort of religious thing. They do this thing where they dance around a tree, and they take rocks, and they put it up in the tree, and they have to stack a certain number of rocks up there, which has no benefit to their survival whatsoever. Meaning that there's a part of their brain that is evolving consciously to believe in like an afterlife or a God or whether or not they think if they do that, then it will rain or something like that. They're becoming superstitious or religious or whatever. There's powers behind the universe.

Yeah. That's, did they ever do that before? That's like a next level of of that means they're all style thinking. I think that's a thing that bothers some people like it's it's almost like an uncanny valley thing where it bothers people to see an animal do do something that's like a human kind of behavior. Yeah. Apes have started a stand-up comedy scene and you can see you go oh maybe it does this where you evolve to a certain point as a species that

you can develop like a civilization like a better world and then you start to devolve rapidly and you plummet right and it all because of like pleasure centers and obeying those things and just yeah so you go i wonder if it's just this right for like and then another species comes along and every species like goes like this and then they get tiktok and then they just are dead yeah pretty much within 90 years at like atlantis was probably guys walking around with there was like sneaker heads yeah Yeah. They were walking around Atlantis smoking clothes, saying bruh,

having podcasts. Guys in Atlantis smoking dabs and just being straight retarded. Just some guy in a Wahlburgers in Atlantis. It would be funny if they discovered Atlantis and it's just like Wahlburgers and like Foot Lockers. Yeah, it's a shoe palace

it's just a bunch of uh sweatpants with like the cast of friends on them no they're gonna discover atlantis it's gonna look like the promenade yeah atlantis is just a big scarface poster in the home theater we found a theater in the last movie playing was boondock saints and then the whole thing sank into the ocean. But you are right. Because we always imagine like, well, there was some cataclysmic event. But it's like, what if they just became too retarded to like fuck anymore? Yeah.

And just died out. That's what it kind of seems like. Yeah. How do we not know? Like Atlantis didn't become some idiocracy type of event where people were going, no, we're supposed to live under the water. Flood the island. Flood it.

And they just killed themselves. Right. By saying they needed to do it for gender or something. Yeah, yeah. If we kept living, would we end up seeing apes evolve? If we kept, does this round of apes ever evolve because i know we came from apes but what about all the apes that stayed apes right if we lived hundreds of thousands of years like we just were immortal would we eventually start seeing apes at the zoo like fucking just like

putting on suits and start like starting to become people smoking cigarettes yeah like would they start talk like would you start seeing them like start verbalizing words and shit? They can, well, they already have their own languages and stuff, obviously. Yeah. But even, you know what's interesting? I just learned this.

Dolphins can commit suicide. Really? They're the only other species besides human beings that commit suicide. How so? With a gun. Yeah, they make best friends

with a Japanese man. Actually, how do they, how does a dolphin kill itself? Is a dolphin suicide just swimming to Japan? Yeah, I wonder, do they just swim into a rock really quick?

Dolphins have the physical ability to commit suicide by voluntarily holding their breaths until they die. Oh, my God. That's so sad. I wish I didn't know that. Damn.

Meet Peter, the dolphin that committed suicide. And they do that at SeaWorld and shit. Yeah, they just hold their breath. They're just holding their breath. Yeah, because that's dolphin prison, really. Yeah, it is. It's Dolphin Rikers at SeaWorld. Yeah, they're all playing cards

for cigarettes underwater. There's one dolphin tattooing another dolphin with just a pen. Yeah. Molesting the one pedophile dolphin.

They all kill the pedophile dolphin. Yeah, you're at SeaWorld and they're like, so this next dolphin is all the other dolphins' bitch. So what they do is they turn his ass out

for chocolates and candy. That's one of the saddest things I've ever read. Yeah. They just hold their breath. They hold their breath until they die. Yeah.

I mean, it is funny to imagine a dolphin doing those squeaky noises, but if you could translate it, he's just like, I've had enough. This is the end.

What is it? I await to nuzzle the cheek of death in my descent. Right, but they just go. You're like, oh, it's so cute. It's just like, kill me. Kill me, God. It's just going. You're like, why does that dolphin have cut marks down its flippers?

Oh, God. that's so sad why is that why is that dolphin taking the razor blade out of a out of a fucking shaving kit oh it's so it's so sad what we're doing to the earth i'm the dolphins are killing i also imagine a dolphin like you know they jump through the hoops but it's just the dolphin has a noose hanging from the ceiling. And it jumps into the noose and hangs itself. This all being said, I'll still go to SeaWorld. Oh, yeah, 100%. Hold on, maybe it's because we're already there. I'll throw a hot dog at them, right in their face.

I'll hit them with a rock, with a slingshot. I'll throw them some Prozac. I can keep dancing. Oh, this is so sweet. Peter the Bottlenose Dolphin, who is said to have killed himself after being separated from the woman he loved. Wow.

In 1965. He's an incel dolphin. Wow. He didn't get no pussy, and he took his own life. Peter the Bottlenose Dolphin. Wow. Well, I do know there was that dolphin

in that CIA experiment that lived in... They put it in a house with a lady, and they flooded the house with water, and they were trying to see if they could get dolphins to learn English, because they wanted dolphins to be like spies or something, like if they could teach them to work for the government. And there was this lady scientist that had to work with it. Teach the dolphin to go on Joee rogan talk about russia that was like vladimir putin he's great that's interesting man that's interesting he's underwater he's just like joe have you ever um

joe have you ever like eating like a fish that's just thrown into your mouth hole he's like i heard that's great for uh you D, man. I stopped eating sardines, man, because of the mercury levels. And the dolphin just kills itself. A dolphin doing fight companion. And an argument with Eddie Bravo. It is funny. So you're like a dolphin, man. So are your mercury levels really high?

Because you're literally a fish? Brendan Schaub's like, you know, I was also a dolphin for a period of time. The dolphin killing Brendan Schaub by swimming into him? Yeah, like how they kill sharks. They're all hitting him in his eight ball jacket. And he's trying to fight the dolphin. His big jacket is ripping. Yeah, Brendan Schaub shop sinking underwater because his giant jacket

and shoes are filling with water his huge sneakers his sneakers are like uh when people tie cinder blocks to their feet to kill themselves in the ocean his shoes are what mobsters use to kill gangsters yeah all he has to do is untie his sneakers and swim to the surface but he refuses to do it this Because he'll be called gay. Yeah, he'll be called gay. If you see that guy's feet, it's gay. He has cauliflower feet.

Right. A lady dolphin killed herself, too. But I was going to say, in the CIA experiment, they had this lady scientist trying to train it, and the dolphin eventually wouldn't do any work unless the lady scientist jerked it off to completion before every experiment that they did. It needed a clear mind.

Clear dolphin mind. It needed to clear the mechanism. Nice. Did you ever see The Cove, Ben? No. The Cove's crazy. Amazing documentary where it shows all the Japanese. There's this village in Japan somewhere

and the whole town is like dolphin themed. Like they sell dolphin toys and everything's like dolphin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then every Sunday, a grizzly murder, like a massacre happens and all these Japanese guys

just spear these dolphins to death in this cove. Oh my God. And then all these animal activists went out there and like spent months on end and they set up end and they set up cameras and they caught it all on footage and then they went to the world, whatever animal give a shit forum. And they wore the footage on their chests and yeah, and they I guess helped or something.

But yeah, they sell dolphin, they would massacre them. More humane than having a SeaWorld though. More humane. That is still more humane. Just kill it and eat it. I would go to SeaWorld if I watched like 30 Japanese men just stab dolphins to death with spears. I'd be like, this is bad. I mean, this is

awful, but if you're gonna do it, if you're already gonna do it. Right. The splash zone is just because of the blood. That's really, my philosophy is like, it's already being done. It'd be great if there was like an arena in SeaWorld. I hope Asia does take over America. Well, Japan's our ally, but regardless, who cares?

They're all Asian. It's Asian people. Anyway, let's say Bo and Yang buy SeaWorld one day. Even though he's not Japanese, he lets Japanese people run SeaWorld. Sure. Here's what would happen. Okay. I imagine.

It would be a big arena. You know the big arena where Free Willy is? Or not Free Willy. I sound like a retard. Right. Or the Orc Whale. The killer whale. Yeah.

Shamu. Where he does tricks and stuff. Shamu, yeah. Yeah, he jumps up. Where he kills his trainer every five months. Yeah. Shamu is the- He kills a guy making $11 an hour.

Yeah. Every five months, Shamu just the guy making 11 an hour yeah every five months shamu just stabs a guy to death just a guy with no health insurance gets yeah it's eaten by a whale a 23 year old in a wetsuit with no experience just has a whole whale fall on top of him and dies they always say that the animals are treated so badly at sea world i bet the employees are treated way worse oh yeah way worse i want, yeah. Way worse. I want to see their benefits. By far. Do they even have a 401k?

I doubt it. No, I highly doubt it. I doubt it. They love wet, they love sea animals. What a freak. Who gives a shit what they get? They should keep them in cages.

They work there for free. You should work there for free. Right, yeah. They all live in the penguin exhibit. They're all just waddling around. I was going to say, the show should start in the Japanese SeaWorld Arena where it's just Japanese guys on SeaDews

and they're running around. Oh, it's like the WaterWorld ride. Yes. At Universal Studios. Yeah, it's a big show where every 400-pound person is just cheering in their seat and their 400-pound ride. Yes. Show at Universal Studios. Yeah, it's a big show where everybody's, every 400 pound person is just cheering in their seat and they're 400 pound kids. Yeah.

They're all just clapping. A bunch of people in the crowd that never eat fish. God forbid they ever had fish. It's people who didn't know fish existed non-fried.

They're like, wait, so they're, so they, when they're alive they're like wait so they're so they when they're alive they're not fried a guy trying to dip a salmon in honey mustard and just biting into it yeah if you showed him a lox bagel he'd freak out he'd blow his mind he has no idea he's like what are these pussy lips doing on my bagel?

So keep going. Japanese guys on sea dues and they're driving around in circles and the fish, like the dolphins, they're all fucking terrified and they're just running from them. Yeah. And they're screaming like, and they just have AK-47s and they're fire. They're like terrorists. There's one Japanese guy on

the shoulders of another Japanese guy. Somalian pirates. It's like a militia raiding a village in africa yeah have you seen back to the future when they're in the parking lot with the yeah sure the terrorists they're doing that yeah it's a terrorist in a movie in america in the 80s yeah that's how they act like that to america yeah like shooting in the sky they're doing that yeah yeah yeah and people that pay for vip seats, they get a gun too. And they get to fire into this. And if you kill one of the animals, you get to bring it home with you. Like it's a stuffed bear.

We give you its skull and spine like Predator. You just get to carry it around the park. That would be awesome. I would love that if it was exactly like Waterworld. Like a sea dude's going like 30 feet in the air and there's an explosion and a Japanese guy just jumps off with a bayonet. Like 300?

Yeah. This is a spotter. And then just stabs a dolphin in the brain. I would honestly watch that. Yeah. Because I am kind of like you, Devin. It's like, well, it's going to continue to happen. like why not just get the experience that's the thing you know like what like vegans and stuff the people that don't eat meat i'm like there's we're killing it

regardless and there's a lot of meat at the store that goes bad so if you really care about the animal and you're like you're not using its body you should it died for no reason you should just still eat it because you're not changing anything we're going going to keep factory farming. You should go to the supermarket and buy everything they have. You should buy the manager's specials and eat all the meat that goes bad because don't you care about the animal? I mean, it's dying for no reason. All the meat's going bad and you're just sitting at home refusing. Right.

Fucking asshole. Also, the people that say they want their animal like the free range and shit. I'm like, no, I want the animal I'm eating to have been in a living hell. I want it to have been I'm like, no, I want the animal I'm eating to have been in a living hell. I want it to have been

tortured. I want it because I want to know I'm taking it out of its misery by killing it. Why would I want to know the chicken I'm eating

had like a, was that like fucking Disneyland when it got killed? They're like, don't worry, this chicken had a loving family,

kids that it spent all its time with and then we just cut its head off. It had hopes and dreams. I want every animal i ate to have been to be living in its own shit this chicken was getting its ged it was going back to college it was getting its life together it was it got sober it's going to night school

it was going to na and it wasn't easy yeah this chicken he did it it was getting all of his racist tattoos removed from back when he did speed everybody told him he couldn't do it yeah this chicken

and he showed him the chicken was working at homeboy industries it's a tragedy he was in therapy unworking trauma from his youth his abusive dad chicken

in his spare time he was a social worker for other chickens yeah he actually coached a basketball team of chickens. And then luckily, we took it out back and just put a bullet in its brain. So you don't like halal? Because halal, what they do is they, on the-

I love halal. Like a guy who's like Muslim, he just whispers like some Muslim prayer into the goat's ear. Oh, right. And the goat just like, he just gets soft. Isn't that all their religious shit? And then they cut its throat. Oh, do they? But they thank it for its sacrifice. Oh. And they make the goat's ear. Oh, right. And the goat just gets soft. Isn't that all their religious shit? And then they cut its throat. Oh, do they? But they thank it for its sacrifice.

And they make the goat really calm. And then they slit its throat. And they do that with all their animals where they basically, you know, they wine and dine them. Right. That's what halal is, basically. They think journalists are goats.

That's why they're cutting their heads off. Huh. They kill, they have to every animal they kill it has to be like filmed in a live leak video for some reason just putting they're like you go to halal farm and they put there's a goat in a cage that they're setting on fire they're making yeah they're making a goat read a newspaper newspaper with today's headline on it. So halal, is that a... They're strapping a bomb to a goat. Like a bomb vest. Is that a Muslim thing?

Is it religious based to whisper into their ear and then kill them? It's based on the Quran. Well, I think it's the same thing as kosher. It's like the Bible for over there. And then what's the kosher shit? Fucking retards. When Jews eat kosher food,

that means a Jewish wizard just like stood over the food and was like, so that I'm actually confused by. What they do is they hang a pig up and then they cut its foreskin off and then the rabbi sucks its little dick. Yeah, yeah. They just complain

until the animal kills itself. That's kosher. That's kosher, baby. They raise the rent on the pig until it blows its head off. They ban animals from all the banks in the world and then they just kill themselves. They go, oh, it's kosher.

It's nice. They raise the rent on the animals Oh baby we're doing it today Hell yeah baby Superbowl Superbowl baby Hey you can be racist On the Superbowl

It's Superbowl Yeah Do the gayest dance of all time We got so much food coming boys I'm so excited First Superbowl Two black quarterbacks too Really

Wow Rush Limbaugh's Worst fucking nightmare Today so much food coming boys i'm so excited first super bowl two black quarterbacks too really yeah rush limbaugh's worst fucking nightmare today rush limbaugh they have this on every tv in hell for rush limbaugh tonight yeah this is how i know i'm racist i didn't know i've never known a black quarterback what besides that vince guy on the in the university yeah yeah vince young you knew michael vick he was in the news oh i thought Yeah, Vince Young. You knew Michael Vick. He was in the news. Oh, I thought he was like a running back.

I swear to God, I had no idea. I thought they all ran. I didn't think they used their brains. Right. That is a weird... It's a weird racial blind spot I have. It's a weird old school race.

You're mad at Warren Moon. You're mad at the first black quarterback from 1979. I'm the guy in the movie from the 1940s like wearing the leather football helmet. I'm like, you can't let him on the field. Like the old shitty leather helmet that does nothing. Yeah, leatherhead. You're dressed like Bear Bryant.

You got the hat and you're like, well, they can't memorize the playbook. Ben has some weird hatred towards Cordell Stewart or some quarterback that hasn't played in 20 years. Ben's mad at Ben never ate soup because of Donovan McNabb. Fuck Campbell's. Fuck Campbellabb. I ate it.

Yeah, fuck Campbell's. Fuck Campbell's. I want thin soup. It's all like chunky shit. Chunky because of their big black hips. I don't drink Coca-Cola because of Mean Joe Green. Yep. I can't drink Gatorade. I only can drink water. you can't even drink milk

anymore i'm like michael jordan did the got milk commercials yeah then you watch the super bowl and you see fucking just anybody drinking water and you're like fuck now i have to die yeah you see benzie's travis kelsey can't drink milk anymore benzie's travis kelsey like, I don't know. He kind of, the facial hair is throwing me off. Anyway. I think we have to go here. Yeah.

Jiffy. We got to get a patron up in before the big game starts. We always record too, by the way, because people ask me this, because they live so far away from me. For the meantime, but i am moving in a month right still in la i live in riverside so yeah this is a real hike for me you live pretty far away actually yeah i live in alhambra yeah we both live on the opposite side of town from where we record i drove to see jace yesterday i drove to i guess we can just go into the patreon

now right yeah sure we sure can I piss real quick Yeah I gotta pee too Okay I'll tell the story I'll tell the story to nobody I guess Anyway guys Patreon.com slash Lemon Party Devin the hate watch pod I'm guessing this is a regular probably

Yeah I think so Patreon.com slash Lemon Party We do audio and video up there. Again, keep the comments coming. Loving the comments about how we're all the worst people you've ever ran into. Keep that up. Please subscribe. Please like.

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