lemonparty - 017: Classical Simps w/ Matt McCusker

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty Matt McCusker is the host of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast and Stoner Dadz See Matt live and buy his book: https://mattmccusker.com/ go to www.greekglassshop.com use lemon15 for 15% off www.metapcs.com use code lemon for 2% off Get Surfshark VPN at https://surfshark.deals/LEMONPARTY - Enter promo code LEMONPARTY for 83% off and 3 extra months FREE! Visit https://bluechew.com and use promocode LEMON for your first month free. ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay we're rolling i gotta do um i apologize I have to do soy face. He does a really embarrassing thing at the beginning of every episode. Yeah. Okay. The fans kind of demand the soy face. It's making waves. What's disturbing is he's actually getting really good at it. Dude, I was impressed when I saw it.

I was like, holy shit, man. He's like putting reps in at the gym. How did this thing come about? Did you coin the term? Soy face? face yeah i've never heard of it i don't think it's made its way out east yeah when did that what is soy face i think it was like reddit retards i remember it's a big one we like to get the slurs out of the way yeah yeah it was i remember there was the guys who were pointing at the beyond chicken sign that went viral and it's two it's two guys yeah it's two guys who look like just marvel t-shirts and they're just pointing

but it's just like chicken that's made out of bugs and so i think that's where soy face soy face yeah yeah it's on it's soylent you know yeah yeah it means you're like like like man, right? Or whatever. You're a fucking bitch. You're a soy boy. You have tons of estrogen and stuff. So when you see Star Wars trailers, you just point and you go, right.

Because you don't have testosterone left in your body anymore. I also think you have an impediment with forming original thoughts as well. I think that's the face you make. This is the thing we like. Yeah, right. People will like this and then I'll be better. It's like,

no, you just can't form it. You ever come across and start realizing how there's a good amount of people who can't form original thoughts? Oh, yeah. Like almost everybody. We have an entire show

dedicated to those people. That's all we talk about. Patreon is just targeted harassment. That was always kind of, that was kind of scary once I finally realized that. I was like, ah, shit. A lot of people here are kind of that was kind of scary once I finally realized that I was like ah shit

a lot of people here are kind of a little bit blank inside everyone's just kind of adopting thoughts you know like even people on Twitter they just kind of talk

like a cool black kid to go viral you know like these people aren't saying y'all yeah that crept in pretty weird up in the northeast

where I am being like y'all when did you start when white people discovered sneakers it was a bad day yeah that sucks crept in pretty weird up north in the northeast where i am being like y'all right when what when white people discovered sneakers it was a bad day yeah yeah that sucks be like that's a big one yeah it'd be like you've seen a chick started it i think yeah chicks really stole a lot of black stuff there yeah they tried to jump ship from being white well they stole it from from gays right it was gays then women yeah gays are they are crazy with like the the thievery yeah yeah gays go like full black lady in two

seconds right yeah it's like yo what the fuck they're deviant they are deviant actually they're not like us now that i think about it they're not like us at all no they're fucking god damn it yeah yeah they should have sold more of black culture

like they should have got really good at basketball rapping you know yeah it's tough though women or gays gays

yeah yeah talking about the gays now doesn't it's tough though you know what I mean you start getting boxed out and you're like oh fuck

just coming on the court. Basketball's covered in jizz. I box out hard as hell, dude. Yeah. I box out. You look like a good rebounder. Oh, dude, that's all I had for a while. You look like you take a lot of charges and shit.

Yep. Picks, set picks. You got thick bones. Yeah. You play the right way. Yeah. A good two-hand bounce pass. Oh, yeah. It's all fundamentals. You look like you set a good screen, too. Dude, I used to pride myself on it. You play the right way Yeah A good two hand bounce pass Yeah

Oh yeah It's all fundamentals You look like you set a good screen too Dude I used to pride myself on it You throw like a little shoulder Oh I'd go through him too If people set a screen on me I'd fully be like

Yeah fuck you dude No Fuck yeah You're not just gonna block me With your body right now Yeah I'm doing my defensive Like Steven Adams or some shit

Yeah Yeah I don't know that guy He's a guy He's an heavy hitter Just like him Just like him Well Just like him. Well, thanks for having me, man. Of course.

Yeah. Thank you for coming. Yeah. I was a week. I'm gone for a week. I go crazy if I don't do a podcast. Right. I'll lose my mind.

We couldn't believe you drove from Irva. We're like, what? Yeah. Is he insane? It's perfect. It's good, too, because I have a show tonight, so it's nice to just do something else other than be like, I wonder how that'll go later. Right.

Just hang out at the yard house for five hours. We'll take you to lunch after this, too, if you're down. I'm going to have to get right back. Yeah. I don't want to hit the traffic. Well, I'm editing that out. CGI, dude. Yeah, for sure, dude.

That's the clip. Well, dude, I got a fucking stomach virus. Really? Oh, really? Two days ago, I did a show in San Jose, and I ate this shit from Uber Eats. And it wasn't that bad, but it was also like spicy Chinese food kind of stuff. And, dude, I fucking was thrown up all night in my room. And then I had to get on a flight to Irvine, Orange County or whatever the next day.

And I puked like five times don't, I never throw up. I puked like five times in a night. I thought it was food poisoning. So I was like making myself puke more. Like, let me get all this out of me. And I got to my friend's house and I was like, I'm really cold. I was like, ah, it's a stomach virus. Sorry, buddy.

Did you puke on the airplane? No, thank God. Yeah, because that seems really hard. Dude, I'd have to go to the bathroom. Even then, yeah, you're bumping. You'd have to stand up and like puke. Like from a full standing position. You're a big dog, too. Oh, because that seems really hard. I'd have to go to the bathroom. You'd have to stand up and puke from a full standing position. You're a big dog, too.

I'm in there feeling tall as fuck. My head's in the thing. I was wondering, can I actually crouch? I can barely shit in an airplane bathroom. I know for sure. I can definitely jerk off in an airplane bathroom. I have a feeling I know how to do that. You have to tuck your elbows.

You're tactical. You can jerk off in any environment. You've feeling I know how to do that. You have to tuck your elbows. You're like tactical. You can jerk off in any environment. You've got to do it in like two seconds. If you're in the air, if you're in the mile high club like me, dude, it's like... We're jerking off. It's gone. You've got to walk to the bathroom kind of hard already. Like ready to go. And then you've got to, right before you walk in, you go to yourself and just wiggle your eyebrows.

Oh, you two inches away from the mirror holding eye contact. Like, let's fucking do this. Come on, let's go. I've seen guys jogging down the aisle and I'm like, that guy's going to jack off. I'm pretty sure. You're walking past yourself.

Because he's about to come. It's the same as you're about to shit. He's about to come in his pants. I would love it if you got too excited and you had to come in the little bag they give you to throw up in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mask drops pants. I would love it if you got too excited and you had to come in the little bag they give you to throw up in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mask drops down.

I didn't listen. What do I do with this? Right, I'm tying the oxygen tube around my neck. Yeah, I mean, also, too, sometimes you can hear the stewardesses like clanking glasses like two feet from you and you're like, dude, we're basically having sex. I know.

It's so close, dude. It's a horny environment. Dude, it's so horny. Yeah. I mean, to be fair I've seen blanket action what? yeah I've seen blanket action

what? not me myself I've seen it like a guy getting head? no just a little little H.J. little H.J.

you've seen H.J.? you're like guys Eiffel Tower yeah like a rapper with his boys just one guy's getting head just in public

damn so you've seen H.J. on the airplane? seen H.J. just blanket I Damn, have you seen H.J. on the airplane? Teenage J. Just blanket. I've got an OTP H.J. on an airplane over the pants. UB? Were you under the blanket? I was under the blanket. It was a UB OTP H.J. That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, it honestly ruled. Yeah. Jace made a pillow for it on a plane. He had like flashlights. Yeah, there's like a broomstick. It's alights. There's a broomstick holding... It's a tent. That's big, dude. UB, OTB, HJ. I didn't cum, but it still ruled.

Yeah, exactly. If you came, it would have been gross. It would have been a gross thing. My girlfriend's disgusted. You'd have cold cum in your pants. Yeah, for like five hours. Cum goes cold in like literally one second. Yeah, especially that high in the air. It freezes.

Yeah. Yeah. It turns into dust and shit. Yeah. It turns into like drywall. It's gypsum. You know? Yeah, that shitty gum.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, you want that. I was wondering if you could get us a clip, maybe. What do you want? A clip-worthy moment? A clip-worthy moment? Yeah, yeah, because people only watch the clips anyway. True. I was wondering if you could get us a clip maybe for the show clip worthy moment yeah yeah because people only watch the clips anyway I was thinking maybe we have a clip where you you just like you're over complimenting the show

and how excited you are to the point where we're all comfortable make you look bad and make us look good we're like okay Jesus where's the lunch spot where's the cool lunch spot I'm dying to chill dude and we're gonna edit that

throughout the podcast and we're like we're like we don't we can't get lunch you're like no we're getting lunch yeah we're chilling would you like recommend me a spot I'm gonna go by myself

we'll sit at a table across from you that is my Achilles heel I don't chill like I really like you know I'm like that my Achilles heel I don't chill like I really like you know I'm like that way I get home I'll beat traffic

and I can like be by myself for two hours before I get to say I'm like I'm anti-social to some degree I think it's an impediment

for me you read a lot right yeah I love to read I've seen this deck I've seen Memories, Dreams, Reflections cover Caught My Eyes oh yeah Young great book

but dude I yeah like I'll do clubs. Maybe it's just in my head, but I feel like the staff kind of half expects legendary shot time, party time. Like, oh, let me tell you about the time we all hung out. And it's like, dude, I'm like, see, I'm going home right now. I get done. To be polite, I wait for 10 minutes and I'm going, goodbye, guys. I'm going home right now.

They always have those stories where they're like dude last week John Lovitz was here and things got a little wild dude they were they were literally I was in the green room like oh dude Sam Town came

and you know he's fucking he was here until like 3am and I was like I'm leaving as soon as I'm done I'm going back to my room

I hate just all the small talk with the people coming and going and the club yeah it's really uncomfortable especially people after shows where they're like dude I don't know how you do it dude like how do you come up with that stuff small talk with the people coming and going and the club. Yeah. It's really uncomfortable. Especially people after shows where they're like,

dude, I don't know how you do it, dude. Yeah. Like, how do you come up with that stuff? It's the best. I'm like,

yeah, I do a different thing every time actually. And they're like, you do like do a new thing every time. I'm like, yeah, it's exactly what I do. Right.

I completely don't plan this and I make people laugh for an hour. And I'm like, I've written 80 hours of standup this year. Well, it's genuinely uncomfortable and that's why people have to poison themselves all night to enjoy it like just so they could fucking speak that is the truth yeah yeah you have to like completely get people in like a like a semi basically an altered state and you talk in front of them they can finally relax yeah it's like a it's like a relief for like office worker

brain yeah there's a lot of office where i relief for like office worker brain yeah it does a lot of office where i think that's low grade brain damage over time if you work in an office for 25 years you start getting that like something happens to your frontal lobe i think you're getting enlarges to an unhealthy point start being like oh yeah i had a little too much to drink and it's like you have an alcohol problem yeah you're drunk man yeah you're drunk and i know you definitely cheat on your wife so it's It's like, let's fucking stop. That's how you have to get through. Yeah, you have to get through life to do that.

Yeah, that's why you're just shattering, like, you're just going and breaking euphemisms that are, like, calcified in people's heads. Yeah. And they're like, dude, that was crazy. I don't know how you do that. It's like, well, you kind of built your life around, like, a weird lie, and I don't want to talk about it. It's very uncomfortable to talk about.

Right. They're like, no, dude, what happens is I get so fucked up on the weekends i don't really exist and then wednesday comes around i say hump day that's the day i want to kill myself yeah and then thursday friday i'm just looking forward to getting fucked up yeah that's people just sort of time travel through their off time though they clock out on friday and then they wake up back at their desk on monday morning like that severance show. Basically, they just disappeared. I'm an Apple TV guy.

That's the clip. That's the clip. Is it just him saying that's that Severance show? I haven't seen it. That's the clip. Check us out on YouTube.com. Yeah, I hate talking about this. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable because again i i

sometimes fantasize about being like dude i should just i think now i'm at the point where i could totally get into being like tuesday man oh really that guy i think i'd go crazy a ron livingston guy yeah but i kind of like yeah i'd be like yo did you see the office but i'm like you know i can't do that but it is like i don't i hate to like like, I don't want to put a whole bunch of people down, but it is the thing. You see people out having life or death fun on the weekend. It's like, oh, you have to do this. It's like Japanese businessmen.

They just go fucking insane on the weekends and then they repent all week by doing 500 hours of work. They like shit in their suits on the subway. Yeah, they're like shitting themselves on the subway. And they're like, if I didn't do this, I would walk into the woods and hang myself. They're wearing that like Nathan Fielder suit

with the chili, but it's just filled with shit. Yeah, they're... Just being beaten with bats. There's David Byrne in that Talking Heads show. It is fucked up. It's like a terrible thing. You're trapped in an environment where like...

You're a Tyson chicken, kind of. Yeah. It's Handmaidenid's tale i did it for the last 10 years it's brutal how did so give me some insights into it i have i avoided it i could plague my whole life i it i did like a straight office job for four years what industry it was like digital media so it was like bulge so there was a fake yeah yeah fake you're doing five minutes of work a week like the biggest way to get through it is just like to make sure your computer's facing away from everybody

so you can just like look at porn and Wikipedia it's a double abstraction it's digital media it's like oh what's media really it's like what's digital

I would go home for Thanksgiving and my parents would be like so what do you do I'm like I don't know I know I can't tell you it's classified

it's like I work in yeah I don't know. I know. I can't tell you. I sit. It's classified. It's like, I work in- Yeah, I work for the CIA. I work in computer internet. Right. What? Yeah, I press these keys sometimes, look shit up. But you would do it. You would go in.

You'd sneak in 20 minutes late. I was smoking at the time just for survival because you get a cigarette break. You smoke a cig. Just for air. I smoked American Spirits just because it took 25 minutes to smoke one and then you sit out there for another 30 you go take about nine fake a day yeah there's fake I remember I did 90 days in an office so I remember the fake I did actually I worked in a restaurant I had fake in a restaurant and the fake turned into real which is great it's really healthy yeah if you're lucky

that's yeah I had trained myself so well that I had for like maybe two years I never shit outside my office I would clock out you're wasting money time's money bro if I had to shit

on a Saturday I'd be like I'm fucking up I gotta go into the office you save all your shit you have to go into the office babe I gotta go to the office I'm caulking that shit

in my worksheet I walk into my bathroom and hit one of those big paper caulking that shit in my in my worksheet i mean i walk into my bathroom and hit one of those big paper well that's that's a sickness so you have like uh just a building full of fake workers and then you establish like an insane hierarchy it's it's it's a reality show guys our next sponsor is greek glass shop.com uh greek glass shop.com is a sponsor who comes us from the patreon uh so it's just a guy who's a really big fan of lemon party and he wanted to support the podcast uh greek glass greek glass shop uh is uh this guy from america his name is augustus and what he does is he makes uh tobacco inspired

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nothing makes you just realize what a hellish society we've created like zero emotion we're just like it's's great. Get it. Well, now they call you in and they have algorithms they run through like your Twitter and they find something you tweeted in

like 2013. Oh, do they do that? Yeah, they do that now. What? Really? There's no... I think that's why people, like you said, they need that cathartic release where they need to be, I don't want to say depraved because if you go to like Zany's in Nashville, you're not a depraved person.

But you're getting like super blacked out. You're getting fried shit and then you're driving home. Yeah, true. Drunk driving. After listening to someone talk about their pee-pee and wee-wee for an hour and a half.

But you need to. Yeah. You need that. You kind of need a drunk drive to get through it. You do. That's part of it too. Jace didn't have that release

and he quit one of his last jobs in Joker makeup. yeah i did on halloween i was working he like lost his mind the steps what's that did you go down the steps i was i was dancing a lot yeah no he is a big gary yeah right so you really you fuck no i really i fucking i was working at this alarm place i've sold like like security alarms that's a real business yeah yeah for like uh scare the shit out of housewives and be like no yeah my job white guys breaking into their house i think shane talked about that my job was literally to go to like rich people's house and they're like so we saw like a black guy on the street the other day so we're a little yeah i told i've told these guys before but during black lives matter we all made like a killing yeah

people were buying new cars and shit it was yeah it's probably after you change your profile picture and like yeah and just in case uh let's fucking casey's white supremacist come out and fucking bash my windows yeah you have your kid draw a george floyd mural on outside and then you buy an alarm right we were putting lasers in the george floyd mural eyes to catch people around around me in philadelphia there was um there was all these businesses that were like black lives matter we support and then it was just boarding up like hurricane fucking let's go sandy yeah let's go sandra hurricane charge dude they were like all the stuff but then they would put the boards up and everything. To me, it was like lamb's blood. It was like, all right, you guys are smearing lamb's blood.

Yeah, we pass over your house. Please don't break into my fucking bicycle shop. Yeah, Jace was like selling. It's funny that everyone was so liberal. You were like, made a big sale today with a Josh Gad. Sold him $25,000 worth of, and you didn't. Right. Oh, I didn't.

He actually opened his door as Josh Gad. He goes, hey, I'm Hollywood's Josh Gad. I go, I know who you are. I've seen Frozen. I love Frozen. I was trying to place Josh Gad. He's Olaf. He's the little snow guy.

Snow man. I don't know why. I've seen Frozen a million times. I thought it was a fucking... What's his face? The guy from Superbad. Jonah Hill. I could be wrong. I thought Jonah Hill was Olaf. They're kind? The guy from Superbad. Jonah Hill. I could be wrong.

I thought Jonah Hill was Olaf. They're kind of the same. Are they similar guys? Yeah. They take turns. They tag each other. We need a fat Jewish guy. Get him in here.

They did have that guy from Balls of Fury, and then they kicked him out, and then they just replaced him with Josh Gad pretty much immediately. I'm going to put a face to this guy. I'm terrible with actors, dude. I'm terrible with actors. But anyway, so I was- Oh, i was oh sorry no no go ahead so anyway what i worked there for like two years and then i just lost my mind one day at the alarm place at the alarm place i was just like you made like decent money like it was okay but like you like i got chewed out by my boss i'm like i don't

even want to fucking be here dude and the joker outfit no no no this was just like dirt it was the morning that would have been great if he chewed him out in the Joker outfit, like not not comprehending, like maybe this guy's gonna quit or something today. Kind of alarming. Yeah, I'm probably about to shoot up the office. Yeah, you're holding an AR-15. He's like yelling you're late. Yeah, I'm dressed up as Dylan Quaybold for Halloween.

That's a fun moment though. He saw your boss like, yo, I fucking hate this. Yeah, like fire me. Well, no, he chewed me out. And then I, like, drove. Because I got into sales because you could get out of the office. That was the only reason. Yeah. And you get all your gas paid for.

All your gas paid for. And I was just driving around. Get mad, pussy. Yeah. Dude, I got so much pussy. You got to do your sales. Keys on the table. Like, let me tell you.

Yeah, let me tell you. Yeah. I was like Don Draper. Getting sucked off by housewives. But was like just driving around i was like i was like i'm gonna fucking i literally like was checking my bank account i was like i can make it like five months and then it was halloween i was texting some friends and they're like dude you have to fucking like go to spirit halloween and like quit in a costume so i got there i was like i have to do joker so i showed back up with a fucking suit and tie on although batman quit would have been nice a batman quit would have been super yeah i showed up as harley quinn i gotta go i can't do this anymore i can't explain

i'm already a billionaire the city beats me although joker is the obvious choice though yeah yeah so i showed back i'm like with a tie on and full Joker makeup. And he did Joaquin Phoenix Joker. Joaquin Phoenix Joker. The Joker everyone was worried about there was going to be a mass shooting, remember? Oh, yeah, you did.

Because this was like 2019. This was like when it was coming out. This is the school shooter Joker you're dressed up as. This isn't Jared Leto Hot Topic Joker. No, we're not.

This is the hardcore. This is your man's Joker. The guy who went too dark and killed himself with drugs or whatever. Oh, Heath Ledger? Heath Ledger, yeah. I would have done that, but I didn't think I could pull it off. You should have overdosed in the office. man's joker the guy who went too dark and killed himself with drugs or whatever oh heath ledger heath ledger yeah i would have done that but i didn't think i could pull it off you have an overdose in the office right i just keep i keep stabbing pencils into my desk

but that was the obvious choice walking phoenix yeah obvious choice so i started i i might shoot you i might quit. No, exactly. That's it. I wanted to be a little scared. Yeah. And then I walked into his office and I'm like. God, dude.

That's terrible. Every time I hear the story, I'm like, oh my God. In retrospect, I kind of didn't know how much they thought I was about to shoot up the place. Like they were actually terrified. You're an imposing adult man in a Joker outfit outfit like we need to talk yeah i'm like six five i'm in a joker outfit i'm clearly about to start crying and i knock on my boss's door and i'm like can we can we speak for a second and he's like yeah come in full makeup and then i sat down i was like i was like i don't like this place i don't like the way it makes me feel i'm quitting

and then he tried to talk me into staying. And then that's when, I'll tell the real story, I just started crying in front of him. And I was crying and the makeup was running down. The Joker makeup was running down my face. Tough time. And I was too emotional and weird that I had to leave. And then I had to come back the next day to get all my shit.

What were you wearing? I was dressed as Harley Quinn. Swinging in. It's great that everyone... You told me that you had a really fat boss that open carried with the gun right here, wedged in between the fat.

I've never worked with one of those guys before. That's an interesting boss. There's a lot them and like it kind of looked like that he looked like the monopoly man a little bit and he always hoping he used to be a cop but then he got like hit by a garbage truck so he couldn't be a cop anymore that's their fucking they dream about that all day i know by getting run over dude he got like two million dollars from the city he was like man fucking made yeah really cops can't sue the city. He was like, man, fucking made. Really? Philly cops can't sue the city. Really?

Why not? They like agree to not be able to do that once they become a cop. Too many of them just get killed and maimed. Yeah. Or they could just,

they could all just be like, I fell down the steps. They can get like paid time off for like twisting their ankle for 10 years. Okay. They can kind of watch it. Okay.

But maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I thought I've heard. But he got, yeah, he got the suit. So he got hit by, I guess he got hit by the garbage truck. Yeah, yeah. So he got like $2 million from the city and he just worked because he was bored. And he would carry a gun.

And when he was chewing people out, he would take the gun out and like wave it around. Like as a bet. Yeah. It was like a novelty item to him. Yeah. I remember him literally like taking the gun out and like putting it on the table. Because like somebody's like, I fucked the deal up. It's crazy that that's one degree away from just spinning it on his finger.

Right. Yeah. It's like deer hunter. He's like playing Russian roulette at his alarm job. Well, they're also trained, too. If you were to reach, he might flexibly fucking draw on you. Oh, I thought about it all the time. He's trying to draw.

You want suicide by copping alarm, please? Suicide by retired cop. When you went in in Joker makeup, he definitely had his hand on a gun. I was wondering if he... I didn't know he was packing. He probably had one of those shotguns under the table. Like the old west.

From the Hateful Eight. On like a screw or whatever. But yeah, and then later I tried to get a recommendation from him and he trashed me obviously so I didn't get a job he didn't give you a good rec? can you believe it? well do you remember some of the verbiage or was it just like they didn't tell me

but I called him up I was like hey I know I quit in Joker makeup but like there's this really sweet job opportunity I go just tell me straight like would you give me a good recommendation if i put you down and he's like yeah totally oh and they i dude i was crushing interviews i was i was not mentioning the joker at all um and they were literally about to hire

me they're like we just need to talk to you like your past bosses and they called me up and they go hey just to let you know like that guy like trashed the shit out of you like we were about to hire you that guy like for like 20 minutes guy trashed the shit out of you. We were about to hire you. That guy, for like 20 minutes, just trashed the shit out of you. Why didn't you do fake boss? I should have done fake boss. Yeah, man. I always do fake boss.

I know. I fucked up. I've been fake boss with people a couple times. You woke up a business that just went under. Exactly. I work for Toys R Us. Put that on my resume. And then you just give them your friend's number or whatever.

Your buddy gets to have a fun little acting day where he like yeah hypes you up yeah I've done it before for certain services I'm like oh yeah he's knocked it out of the park

so he's a real go getter no I played by the rules too much yeah yeah really stupid in America yeah resumes are fake dude my resumes were fiction

I had a resume for every like industry I wanted to work in I'd be like yeah for sure dude sales for sure that's how people I know that made it as like bartenders and like really like they just they found a restaurant like in like industry I wanted to work in. I'd be like, yeah, for sure, dude. Sales for sure. That's how people I know that may, uh, made it as like bartenders and like really like they just, they found a restaurant like in Texas or wherever they're from.

And they just say it just closed. Like last year they said they worked there for seven years as the head bartender. And what are you going to do? You're not going to track anybody down. And they don't care. And it's, I,

I, it's embarrassing to admit this. I thought about waiting for a while when I was doing stand-up and I was like, you know, it's like fucking girl job, whatever. And I almost, I almost,

I love it. It's like being a nurse. I thought, I wanted the flexible hours and like the easy cash and all that stuff. And I remember my friend told me, he's like,

find a bar in New York that just closed. Say you worked there and he's like, you're good to go. And you just need like your certification or something. I talked to two of my friends and they're like, you can't do that. And I was like, I can do it. And I'm like, find a bar in New York that just closed. Say you worked there. And he's like, you're good to go. And you just need your certification or something? I talked to two of my friends. They're like, you can't do that.

And I was like, I can do it. And they're like, dude, you couldn't be a busboy. I was a busboy. And I fucking quit in two days every time. Jesus. Yeah, I was a dick. You have to have a DUI to be a busboy. You have to have a bike and a DUI.

That's what should be on your resume. You just bring that in. You're hired. Right. Do you have an ankle monitor? I was a busboy. And I quit on Valentine's. I was in high resume. You just bring that in and you're hired. Right. Do you have an ankle monitor? I was a busboy and I quit on Valentine's. I was in high school

and I quit on Valentine's Day. Dude, nice. And the guy was like, you don't understand what you're doing to me. It's like, dude, what are we dating, dude? I'm trying to go to the dance, dude.

Fuck off. Dude, he's like, you're fucking me right now. And it's like, dude, it's fuck off, man. That is the best part when they quit and they're like,

you don't understand like integrity, perseverance. It's like, you're like the worst you're a villain you're a villain who's in control of nine people I know

I know that was the thing I didn't understand the restaurant rush of Valentine's Day I was in high school I was like dude I'm trying to go

to the dancing at pussy how are you not on my side with this he's like we're going to be slammed I was like okay so what I was like I quit

right I won't be here anymore so I don't care I wanted to explain to him too I was like dude I what I was like I quit right I won't be here anymore so I don't care I wanted to explain them too I was like dude I don't do anything anyway like I don't even fold the napkins I fake shit

and then I just pour water for people and I go there high right and I just stand around and joke with Mexican dudes so I was like I'm pretty sure you guys would be fine without me

for the night yeah that is the best part of a kitchen job though bro they're the best yeah yeah that's where all the racism is i learned so many swears construction sites construction sites too and so much dr pepper

if you work construction you get to your diet is just like you can do whatever the fuck no there's no you can't eat too healthy because they'll call you gay yeah they'll literally make fun of you you event like i would eat like rice chicken and vegetables and they'd be like what the fuck they would attack me i'm like okay you guys keep doing that maricone over here if you ate a salad they would like bury you in the concrete the mexicans are understanding the the fuck? They would attack me. I'm like, okay, you guys keep doing that. Mary Cone over here. If you ate a salad, they would like bury you in the concrete. The Mexies are understanding.

The Mexies get together on the construction site and they throw like a little fucking like siesta type setup where they would take like the propane heaters. They would like set tinfoil on

and like use them to heat up stuff and make like full meals. Yeah, yeah. But I'd be working, you know, I'd be working with the whites

for the most part and the whites and the blacks and they would like they would rag on me man for like a nice healthy meal but i would work with guys that put like 14 sugars in their coffee yeah yeah and look at me and be like diabetes runs in my family anyway anyway there's type two bro and he's like yeah whatever type one type two i'm like oh they're very different right whatever man yeah you can't breathe right now yeah dude i was a fucking bitch boy for a construction site for like two summers in a row dad got me that job because i knew the guy were you sweeping and stuff or like i was the guy walking around i was making 10 50 an hour and i

worked like 55 hours a week so it was like and my rent was like 150 bucks i couldn't believe i was like i can't believe they're just giving me all this money. Like, I've made it. I've made it. That's the trap for construction for the young man. It gets you intoxicated. He's like,

I'll never make more money than this. Just destroy your body. Oh, the welders made so much money that they just lived in holiday inns and when they didn't like the job, they would just go to another, because they can make, especially like specialty welding

and stuff, because it's for oil modules. But I was just the bitch at the construction site. I'd walk around and I was fat with a trash can on my back and I would pick up the cigarette butts. You're like Golden Axe. You're like the gnome from Golden Axe. Dude, I would just wander like this scorched earth and they would just yell things at me. You were like their hired homeless person.

You're picking up cans and shit. My head's already big. I had to wear the biggest construction helmet they had. And then I had to... I was wearing my Clark Kent glasses. So they'd be like, hey Clark Kent, how about you get those pallets and fly them over to the warehouse?

Just roasting me all day long. Because I had to wear big goggles over my warby parker glasses in 2011 in abilene texas wow so this must have been a big construction site so this is like it's huge yeah it's like corporate construction that's they make you wear like all the safety shit and yeah yo i didn't realize how people die constantly they get uh i mean when i was there one got hit, some rebar is like sliding down

this conveyor belt thing and he was just like turned around and a piece of rebar just shot out. Yeah. And it just hit him in the back

and he went down. Oh, dude, people get fucked up all the time. I saw a guy fall like 35 feet and he almost died. Really?

Really. Yeah, he had to get like helicoptered out of there. That's the biggest thing with OSHA. They say the biggest,

the most amount of deaths are from falling. And from like seven feet and up. Yeah, seven feet. But this guy was like 30 feet up and he fell. We were both on a roof and it was a tin roof with fiberglass skylights. But they painted the skylights green for some reason. So it was just the same.

It looks like it's like that ridged metal roof material for an industrial building. And the fiberglass patches, I guess to let light in light in whatever it was look exactly the same and they were painted the same color so we were both like trying to dismantle this big like heating thing i don't even know what it was and we i went this way he went that way and he just chose the way that had the fucking trap door i just turned around and saw his his hands like literally like a cartoon like his hands were up in the air, and he was going, no, and he went down 30 feet, and I watched him break his hip, smack his head.

Dude, how many people you think died in the 20s when they were building the skyscrapers in New York? Those pictures were on the beach. And they're just eating sandwiches. There's always an old-timey comic up there, like tap dancing. Devin, it was like Lemmings. They were all just falling one by one.

Just every day. That was the first falling man. Look up Qatar, dude. It's probably like Qatar now. They were all just falling one by one. Just every day. That was like the first falling man. Look up Qatar, dude. It's probably like Qatar now. Qatar, they built that stadium. They killed like 20,000 people or something building that stadium. Just from heat, dudes were dying. Yeah.

They should have just built the stadium out of dead guys. Yeah, it's made out of like poor people. Yeah, at least build them in. Yeah, build them into the structure. Yeah, like Han Solo. They're just frozen into the wall. You can high five the players high five on the way down yeah it's pretty nuts so did you guys did you see like the guy's bones sticking

out and shit yeah he was fucked he was like he had blood coming out of his ears that's usually a sign of brain bleeding apparently yeah he was just going like his breath that's and it was just blood coming he was fucked so let me ask you this because this is what they try to do they because they're very proud of the we've been this many days without a work accident. I think a work accident is technically they had to stop, halt production because someone died. There's a dead body. You can't just be like- They're like, he's stuck in the machine, so we have to close the factory.

Get back to work, Evan. It's a dead person. There has to be a thing. So what they did with this guy when he got hurt really bad i remember that day they just put him in like a a double wide and they just they're like just sit here because there's like three more hours of work left i don't want to stop the clock like is your head hurt really bad they didn't they knew he didn't have any like internal bleeding probably but he was in an insane amount of pain so they just put him in like the nurse's office basically and he's just screaming in pain for four hours they tell him to do all the things

you're not supposed to like just go to sleep just sleep no they're just smoking cigarettes right they're like feeding him dr pepper like he's a wounded animal like he's a squirrel awesome yeah put him in a just a mexican guy in a shoe box they're like a piece of lettuce they're like put him in the closet see if he lives just putting a putting a talkie in it

and closing it right just leave you're the kid yeah your kids are just standing looking at them he's like

yeah yeah yeah yeah they don't they didn't they were just like it was terrible

it was actually like my friend I grew up with but yeah it was a big deal but did you have like survivor's guilt did they have did they didn't they were just like it was terrible it was actually like my friend I grew up with but yeah it was a big deal but did you have like survivor's guilt because it could have been you

did they have to stop the day because he like yeah we were done it was like it was a helicopter came and picked him up dude they literally like

weekend at Bernie these construction workers though were like no look he's fine yeah I mean dude he was he literally I talked to the ambulance

I was like he was like my best friend from growing up and I was like is he okay and the guy I was like he's gonna be alright and the guy went oh Jesus I was like he was like my best friend from growing up and I was like is he okay and the guy I was like he's gonna be alright and the guy went

oh Jesus I was like yikes that's bad when they can't even lie dude he went I went alright well but he ended up living he's okay and shit

oh good good he just kinda aches when it rains yeah yeah he fucked his head up but he's alright he's doing his thing sure good

he's kinda had a wild life too so he's done some other stuff so he's you know yeah yeah he was a bad boy he was a bad huh didn't you used to sell drugs did you do it with him yeah yeah yeah he's a bad boy nice nice he was doing them though a lot more he's more he's the guy that used the supply yeah but god just gave you like a warning shot he's's like, you're like, all right. Yeah. You haven't sold as much. Don't do construction, just sell drugs.

It's actually safer to sell drugs. Yeah, it's safer to sell drugs. Honestly, I think it kind of is. Probably, yeah.

Well, yeah, it depends. Let's join a team, a professional drug selling team. Also known as a gang. I think those guys get fucked up.

A team? Yeah. Yeah. Join the teamsters. Do they go like, go team, like put your hands up? They go like Go team Put your hands in They're like

Guns together Like sell like a champion today But no That's like That was more of a suburban type Drug dealer guy Sure Kind of chills

It gets honestly You just sound like weed and shit Yeah weed pills All that stuff Were you Were you a lonely guy Where you like make people Do the drugs with you

When they'd come over to buy them from you? No, I was the opposite. Okay, that's great. I sold Coke briefly. Oh, nice. So I never did it. I never tried it, I'll be honest. Yeah, yeah.

It didn't have any appeal to me. So dudes would chop it up next to me, like, here you go, brother. And I'd be like, I'm cool, man. And they'd be like, you don't want any? And I'm like, dude, I fucking love this stuff so much. I'll do all of it. I won't be able to stop myself i can't keep my mitts off like i don't know what do all of your cocaine i really

have it for you yeah you know what they say don't get high on your own supply though yeah so i can't touch this stuff well it was i knew it was like a lot of it's caught with like baby laxative and shit yeah oh right just a bunch of guys shitting dude. I knew a guy one time who was like, came back the next day. He was like, yo, me and my wife both threw up. Can I get some more of that? And I was like. Okay. He's like, we shot it.

We puked. And I was like, ew. He's like, dude, my wife's dead. Can I get some more of that stuff? That's how heroin works. Yeah. Yeah. People OD from heroin.

People flood wherever that came from. They go try to find where it was. Oh, because it was good shit? Yeah. They're like, I can handle it. You probably did it, but I can't handle it. Dude, hell yeah. I thought it was like big wave surfers or something.

Yeah, they are. When they say hot shots, dudes will put hot shots in intentionally because we'll get an OD on our block and then we'll get- What's a hot shot? It's when you put in a poisonous amount of fentanyl or something. So someone will shoot it. Oh, hell yeah. You get one poisonous bag, So someone will get it.

Jesus. Shoot it, die. It's like Willy Wonka. Yeah. It's a golden ticket. And then your whole, and I never obviously did anything like this. Those were like scary dudes I would encounter and be like, but yeah, no, it's terrifying. But you were selling them when like fentanyl wasn't really that big of a deal, right?

And now it's like, I feel like it'd be the terrifying good old days. Yeah. Now like Xanax have fentanyl. Like they press fentanyl into like regular pills yeah so you don't know what's what that's why i tell people like don't do any drugs yeah because i used to buy yeah i used to buy xanax back in the day from a guy but i wouldn't even do that now you know xanies are bad too they're bad news i kind of loved them honestly that's the problem i really like them yeah those i bought like maybe 10 of them which for me is like a lot of drugs

were they like the blue ones or the bars they were the press bar guys so you could like break a piece off big boys dude yeah yeah and I was like

I'll just do it for flying and then like I did it for flying I'll just do it I can't sleep from coke now you just start booking flights all week yeah I'm like

up in the air yeah real jet setter yeah you don't have any luggage i'm like i'm good i'm taking it back what if these work for the bus as well yeah i have a lot of bus anxiety i have a lot of anxiety yeah but no i flew and i was like this feels great and then i did one not on a plane and i was like oh this is like i don't want to exist not like this anymore yeah so i had to like

stop it after that did you ever drink on them no i did i did do uh fucking i got really sick one time they gave me the strongest codeine ever yeah they i remember this syrup or the pills it was a syrup and i remember i literally remember like the doctor being like usually we don't he's like you want the strongest one i'm like yeah of course i want the fucking i want the pussy codeine was it purple or yellow it was purple okay and i saved a little bit for when i was healthy like a month later and then i mixed it with like the sprite with the pussy codeine was it purple or yellow it was purple okay and i saved a little bit for when i was healthy like a month later and then i mixed it with like the sprite and the jelly ranches and everything that shit that shit does rule i drank it and i'm like not a big rap guy i just listened to like the purple rain mixtape by future and i was just in a chair and i was like

this fucking rules dude that shit does rule yeah i. I was like, I fucking love rap, dude. You're just speaking in Abe. Yeah. I'm like, I've been doing lean. Like the next day, you wake up, you're wearing a dashiki. You're right. You're walking around. Yeah.

I'm dressed like Patrice all of a sudden. You get the big purple suit. Yeah. I got the hat. Lean's expensive. Is it? Yeah, dude. They sell it by the ounce. It's like 30 bucks per ounce.

Jesus. It's a little thing Is it? Yeah, dude. They sell it by the ounce. It's like 30 bucks per ounce. Jesus. It's a little thing of it. Yeah, yeah. They gave me a whole, it looked like a hydrogen peroxide bottle. You probably had an eight, bro. Yeah. You probably had half a liter.

I figured out why there needs to be a second cup. Why? It leaks through the cup. Really? Why? It eats through the styrofoam? I Google imaged it the other day because I was posting a picture on Twitter.

I typed in lean with two cups. And I saw one. People would hold up one cup and it's beating. It looks like, remember those commercials with Michael Jordan drinking Gatorade? And he's colored purple with the dots around him because he's sweating? Yeah, yeah. Looks like that. Why don't they get like a traveler's mug or something?

Yeah. Like a Yeti. Get a Yeti. Put it in a bucket. Bring your scissor. It really comes through. That's crazy. I didn't like that. Yeah. Like a Yeti. Get a Yeti. Put it in a bucket. Bring your scissor. It really comes through. That's crazy. I didn't know that.

I would love to go with the two beer, like the beer helmet, two like coating things on either side. That'd be pretty sweet. Yeah, it'd be sweet. If you do that shit too much,

then you just start having seizures, right? Yeah. You like rap really well and you have seizures. Yeah, that's what I love. Yeah, it lowers your, which one?

Your threshold. Yeah. You turn to Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne's had like a million seizures and I'm always like, holy shit, doesn't that mean you die? And then to Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne's had like a million seizures and I'm always like, holy shit, doesn't that mean you die? And then everyone's like,

no, he's like out of it now. It's electrical. Yeah, dude, I've been looking into seizures heavily. Apparently, I started having what were suspected to be temporal lobe epilepsy. Really? So I'll get a weird smell, then feel panic for two seconds

and it'll go away. And I looked into it. I went to a doctor. What do you mean a weird smell? It's like a chemical. It's an olf hallucination basically so it's like it doesn't exist unless I'm smelling my own like neurotransmitters which I thought about but I don't think I can so the doctor shot that down it's like that's kind of what neurotransmitters probably would smell like who am I to say you're like doc I've been reading a lot of eastern philosophy the third nose but yeah no i uh

so i went to the they checked my brain i was fine and then they like checked my electrical activity also i mean probably it was like really good but they just tried to put me on like bipolar medicine i'm like no dude get the fuck out of here yeah but so i looked into it and apparently um zyrtec and other allergy medicine can lower your seizure threshold. Because anyone can have a seizure. If any of us got a 105 fever, any of us can convulse. And epileptic has a lower seizure threshold than the average person, and it's an electrical storm in your brain. So a grand mal is all the electricity in your brain just goes nuts, and your body just like that.

goes nuts and your body just like that but when you have a like a like a which i'm called like a non-local or focal seizure you just have an electrical aberration and like one key part of your brain that touches like my olfactory part and goes right now and all of a sudden you're like the fuck is that smell right but it could be any part of your brain yes yeah you can have you can go into like rage you can take your fucking clothes off right you could go benoit you go yeah you can go it might be the Benoit part of your brain. We all have it. There's a part of every man's brain that wants to murder his family.

Yeah, it's kind of, really it's fascinating. I'm kind of pumped. But I think it came from taking Zyrtec. I never took it before and it only ever happened after I started taking Zyrtec. But it started to occur

when I'd be really stoned. It would happen. So I can just if I don't smoke weed it doesn't happen so I'm like and usually I thought it was like usually the opposite people think that like weed you know if you have seizures it can cure well it does for like 80 percent of people it actually increases the seizure threshold but there's 10 percent of people who it decreases it happened to be one of the 10 okay so you wouldn't like feel like because like sometimes I'll just get an electrical

volt in my leg. Like a brain zap kind of thing? Yeah. I've always been like, is that the start of something? And then it goes away. Dude, our bodies run on... And we're around all this crazy electricity. So you're going to have some weird tics and shit. It's 5G. People didn't do that.

It's the vaccine. Hundreds of years ago, people weren't doing that. We all have the shaky leg thing. Yeah. I used to get brain zaps all the time where I'd be sitting there and it's like, what the fuck was that? I used to get ice pick headaches.

Have you heard of that? No. It's literally like, it's kind of similar to yours. It lasts like 20 seconds. It literally feels like somebody just took an ice pick and just jammed it into your head

and you go, and you like feel it behind your eye and then it goes away and you're like, well, I don't have health insurance. So that's like.

That's what I did forever. Yeah. I'd have all kinds of fun brain stuff. Right. I'd be like, yeah, well, that's too expensive to look into. Yeah.

When you don't have health insurance, you can't get sick. You can't look into anything. Yeah. I feel weird shit every day and I'm just like, I don't know. I just like kind of crack my back

and keep it moving. Yeah, that's, that's what I was doing forever. Then they started happening more and I was like, all right, let me go get this checked out. And they're like, it's so funny because they check my brain.

They're like, yeah, your brain's good. You have this one little spot. We're not worried about that. And I was like, is everyone okay? Wait, wait, wait. Elaborate on the spot. They're like, everyone's got something. And I was like, okay.

And they're like, and I was like, all right, if you had a lot of spots, we'd be concerned. It's just like, have you ever got a concussion? I'm like, yeah, I've had a ton of them. And they're like, and I was like, all right, like if you had a lot of spots, we'd be concerned. It's just like, have you ever got a concussion? I'm like, yeah, I've had a ton of them. They're like, yeah, nobody.

This is that. They're like, it's a gay spot. You're kind of gay, but it's fine. That's what they do. They go, I mean,

we'll keep an eye on it. I'm like, okay. You don't want to know. Sometimes you feel like the doctor knows when you're going to die. Like he's like, oh,

82. Well, I'm not going to tell him. Should I tell him? Yeah, he seems happy. Yeah. Like he's like, oh, 82. I'm not going to tell him. Should I tell him? Yeah, he seems happy. Yeah. And they were like, dude, no, like for real, that's not a problem. Everyone's got like, everyone's got something.

Nothing's perfect, blah, blah, blah. Same with my heart. The doctor's like, you have kind of a weird heart rhythm, but. Yeah. All right, man. Jesus. It's like the body positivity movement. Yeah.

It's fine. It's all my electrical activity is fucking wonky, bro. Yeah, yeah. You're probably just too like charged. I might be too charged. Yeah, It's fine. It's all my electrical activity is fucking walking. Yeah. You're probably just too like charged. I might be too charged. Yeah. Yeah. But they're not trying to hear it.

But yeah, dude, the, uh, so yeah, then like, so that guy's like structurally your brain's fine. So like go get the EEG to check the electrical components. The next possibility to they fucking strobe lights in your eye. It's pretty sick, dude. They like, they close your eyes and the lady goes out from the room. She's like, open your eyes. And it's like crazy. It's like a rave it is yeah yeah it's pretty sick the whole time i'm

trying to mind freak her to be like dude she's about to see some crazy shit right like you show you showed her a picture of the buddha in your brain try to make her see stuff but yeah no it was nothing it was they were like yeah you're fucking good i told her i'm like yo as long as i don't smoke weed this doesn't happen they're like you should go on bipolar medicine i was like no yeah not happening it's anti-convulsant also sure polar and i was like what's the side effects and she was like well nothing really and i'm like no no side effects at all and she was like there's a rash 10 10 of people get that like in a small percent of those could be fatal if it's not treated.

I'm like, dude, get the fuck out of here. I'm good. Well, why is it bipolar medicine? You're not showing any symptoms of like, you're not happy one minute and then flipping the fuck out. I mean, yeah, I am. Well, yeah, but like everybody. But it's like anti-convulsant. They off-label

a lot of that stuff. It must just completely they said it blocks the uptake of sodium in the brain which it probably has like a mind deadening effect so if you were bipolar probably like thank you this is a welcoming right right you know it's a welcoming reprieve but i'm like yo i kind of need to ride those manic highs for a living yeah yeah how about you don't fuck me up professionally forever they're trying to turn you into a soy face person kind of dude and i'm like yo no thank you you're like i'm a creative dude and i told her i was like dude if i don't smoke weed up professionally forever. They're trying to turn you into a soy face person. Kind of, dude. And I'm like, yo, no, thank you. You're like, I'm a creative dude.

And I told her, I was like, dude, if I don't smoke weed, it doesn't happen. She was like, you should still probably go on this medication. I was like, no.

Right. I do love that they're like, we want you to smoke weed though. I know. They're like, well, you don't want to have to not do that. I'm like,

I'd probably be fine. I'm 37. I've abused weed since I'm 14. It's the time I stop. My brain's literally being like, yo, dude dude stop smoking weed we're sending you to Shutter Island do you feel like you should

have just powered through that like maybe you were receiving a something from the heavens like it's some invisible lightning a Philip K Dick yeah sort of pink beam moment like it could have maybe you could have smoked through that and then wrote 400 novels like you could have wrote Blade Runner.

Funny you say that. So they say people with temporal lobe epilepsy, which again, I have an electrical imbalance that can get aggravated from different stressors, be it weed, caffeine or like extreme stress. OK, that isn't my temple. So technically I exhibit temporal lobe epilepsy, but my seizure threshold is pretty high because I talk to other people who have it. And like, depending on where it hits you, there's dudes that will just like like i'll be doing the podcast if i had like their version of it and just go for it's silent for like five minutes and i

don't even know i'm doing it and all of a sudden i'm like yeah anyway and it's like you just go blank so there's like different versions of it and different things that can happen but it's like again mine's super the whole idea is like avoiding those episodes and I'm like, if I just don't smoke weed, I'm fine. Yeah. Right.

So it's like, it's easy for me. But the guys, apparently it's, people with temporal lobe epilepsy, it's linked to, what the fuck's the word, like hypographia.

It's this extreme, like compulsive writing. Dostoevsky had it. They said Vincent Van Gogh had it. Oh, wow. And hyper-religiosity. Ah. Yeah. Well, there you go. So they're just like,

we're diagnosing you with being a legend. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Your chart here says you're prolific. Your seizure threshold is bussin'. But Van Gogh had it, so I started reading about him a lot because I don't like him. You hate Van Gogh?

Dude, you read about his life. I didn't know he had, you know, the fucking gift and the curse, but he was a nightmare, dude. Yeah, yeah. Dude, he, like, you know, he was doing his thing. I think his dad was a minister.

He was into that, and he's like, no, I kind of want to paint. So he started painting, and then, you know, people don't like my... I think my mic just goes... I'm having a fucking seizure.

Fuck. My shit cut out. You actually broke the machine. Holy shit, dude. It's back on. Dude, I'm telling you, I. Fuck. My shit cut out. You actually broke the machine. Holy shit, dude. It's back on. Dude, I'm telling you, I fuck electrical stuff all the time. What a zap. I was like, no, it's happening.

You have powers. You like the lawnmower, man, dude. I'm telling you. When I go to banks and shit for the first time, they're always like, oh, our computer's having problems. I always joke, like, yeah, I think I fuck up electricity. You're like the kid in Logan. I'm telling you, man. I fuck electricity up. I think my like, yeah, I think I fuck up electricity. You're like the kid in Logan. I'm telling you, man. I fuck electricity

up. I think my Mac died for a second. I gotta get it fixed. It keeps dying. And it came back on. For sure. We'll see. There's some rational explanation. It's got temporal lobe. But no, Van Gogh was like, he had these violent mood swings and people

didn't know what was going on, but they say he was having temporal lobe seizures and like so he he was doing the art thing it's like that's not really going well he goes to France and he starts painting

and they're all drinking absinthe absinthe is I think the word's like epilogenetic or something like it makes people have seizures they were giving it to dogs to induce seizures

in dogs so they can study it so he's just pounding this shit with French people hell yeah and he lost his fucking he went nuts cause he kept having these seizures

where his version of it where he would get so fucking mad and freak out and like attack people and he'd be like dude fuck you get out of here

so then people were like that guy sucks no one knew what was going on he's like fuck that and he like wanted to drink and that just makes it even worse so he goes then he invites his boy

he knows he's like yo please come live with me Goggin right? Paul Goggin or whatever yeah yeah yeah that was his name he's like, please come live with me. Goggin, right? Paul Goggin or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was me. He's like, please come fucking live with me.

It'd be a dream. We could paint together. We could do all this stuff. And apparently they say it affects libido in certain people too. So they go hyposexual. Okay. So they just don't want to fuck. They don't want to fuck at all.

But then they're saying some people will just be like, well, maybe I'll like fuck dudes. It fucks with dude's sexuality. Yeah, yeah. So he's like living with this guy. And the dude was just like, yeah, I'm just like going out and getting whores and stuff. Like's sexuality. Yeah, yeah. So he's like living with this guy and the dude was just like, yeah, I'm just like going out and getting whores and stuff. Like there's rules.

Yeah. They'd go out to drink together and he'd be like, he would have these fits and he'd start throwing shit at him. Like, you gotta stop fucking these whores. But everyone thinks like he was gay for Goggins or whatever.

Sure, yeah. David Goggins, I think. Yeah, David Goggins. He's like, I gotta wake up in pain, motherfucker. You wake up at 4 a.m. You're going insane. You gotta fuck these hookers, dude.

But yeah, he was freaking out at that guy. And apparently, according to Goggins' journals or whatever, he would be totally annoying. Like, dude, I'm so sorry. He would spaz on him. Like, dude, I'm so sorry, so sorry. And he said, Vincent Van Gogh, when you wake up, would be trying to get into his bed.

And he'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? And he'd run out he was a gay incel dude literally and then so the guys and then he like that was like the day the dude went out on like a date or something and van gogh's all pissed and cut it he like had another thing he cut his own fucking ear off that was all like these epileptic oh really yeah that's what they think he sent it to a lady i think he was trying to fuck yeah something like that he dropped it out of broth he dropped it at a brothel. Kind of like,

stop fucking my friend or I'm going to drop body parts off. He sent it by like a carrier pigeon. He wanted to go, he had a compulsion where he was going to go stab that guy, his boy,

his best buddy slash like his crush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted to stab him with a piece of broken glass. This dude was a fucking nightmare. What a queen. And he decided not to.

He was like, I can't do that. I love him too much. So he cuts his own ear own ear off trauma queen drops it off at a brothel and they're like ew dude what the fuck van gogh would be so much more famous now if he was on like the row housewives just going nice van gogh got snl dude so then it doesn't stop so then the goggins guy's like dude fuck you this is crazy i'm out because they were all like goggins what did you do and he's like i didn't fucking do anything dude I hate this guy so he moves away and Vincent Van Gogh's brother loved him dearly so he was like you know he went

to like a nut house for a little bit and Van Gogh's brother like paid for the whole thing he's like I love you I'll take care of you and he's like dude I love Goggins I want to hang with Goggins so bad and so he was like can I live with you and he's like dude I got like a wife and kids like I'll put you up I'll pay for you and he's like man this sucks I'm so lonely so then like Christmas time he's like can you please come hang out with me and his he's like dude I got like a wife and kids like I'll put you up I'll pay for you and he's like man this sucks I'm so lonely so then like Christmas time

he's like can you please come hang out with me and his brother was like dude I gotta do let me do this Christmas day I'll come see you

and he like went out in the field and shot himself being a drama queen in the chest I also heard there was a rumor that he was like

playing with some kids in the woods and they like might have shot him really yeah that's kind of that's kind of nice

to hear that's a good legacy but it kind of sounds weird also like I was playing with some kids in the woods and they shot me

yeah sounds like the defense of a pedophile right yeah we find like the lost Van Gogh and it's all just

like David Podesta stuff like little boys asses and dicks John Podesta fuck it sorry John excuse me

John Podesta not David that's Goggins some kid got like Beatrix Kiddo style revenge on Van Gogh John Podesta. Sorry, John. Excuse me. John Podesta. Not David. That's Goggins. Some kid got like Beatrix Kiddo style revenge on Van Gogh. Yeah. Yeah. I just love a little like kid dick being painted all swirly and blue and yellow and shit.

Oh, that'd be vibrant. Yeah. That'd be kind of nice. I'd buy that painting, dude. Big sunflower in back of a giant dick. It's funny. Like all creatives are like super horny. Yeah. Like if you wrote like james joyce's love letters to his wife no they're pretty great it's literally like him going like

my because you know he was like great writer wrote like all these like tomes undecipherable tones he only wrote like 12 words a day by the way because he was so just obsessed with with pussy yeah he focused on 12 word sentences. Right. He's like, I'm going to write a sentence. He's like, now I'm going to get to beating off. He's trying to find the right clip. Standing on the cliffs of Dover, just beating into the ocean. His books are impossible to read.

I try to read them, but I don't. I can't. Finnegan's Wake is all made up words. What? Like the whole book, and people say it's his best one. I read Portrait of the Artist, the one about Stephen Dedalus. Yeah. And it's, I don't know.

And then I, but everyone says Finnegan's Wake is like, every, but words are made up, they're mashed together. But you're supposed to like defer meaning

from like what you think he meant by words. He invented badonkadonk. He invented slap. He invented, he invented wap. I tried reading, what was his other big book? Ulysses

I tried reading Ulysses And I had the companion too So I'd be like I'd read one sentence And I'd be like What the fuck is that? And read one sentence Of the companion

And I'd be like I don't even know what that is And I was like Fuck this man You need a companion For the companion I did the same thing With Gravity's Rainbow

I was like I read one page I hated Gravity's Rainbow It was terrible I hate Benchon man It was terrible. I hate Ben Shahn, man. One guy ate bananas. That was all I made. I was like, okay, the guy eats a lot of bananas. There's like a fucking big thyroid gland.

That's all those funny books back then. They're like, there was a guy named General General and he ate a bunch of bananas. And you're like, dude, fuck off. Say returning gay stories. Make me laugh. Be racist. Do some crowd work, Joyce. I was i was like i'm not i'm dumb it's nice limit hitting your limits on me yeah yeah this is i this is not yeah i don't know anything about this one thing that happened in 1812 in fucking botswana right i should have like

read 10 books on yeah yeah it's like yeah man you got that but but joyce he wrote these letters to his wife and you can like they're online and it's literally him being like my darling dear how i've missed your arse the way you fart and shit on my pecker he always says my pecker he's like i can't wait to take my stiff pecker and like let go of my fluids into your tight cunt or whatever. Yeah. Damn. It's pretty, it rules actually. I saw a letter from Steinbeck the other day that he wrote to Marilyn Monroe. And he goes, listen, Marilyn,

I don't know if you've heard of me, but I have a nephew in Austin, Texas, who is a huge fan of yours and would love for you to, he could basically just send me a photo, like something pretty lewd and I'll show it to him. And clearly he's just trying to get something to beat off to

he's like no it's for my retarded nephew in Austin getting busted in the archive simping so there should be a comment on her on Marilyn Monroe's

Instagram it was gorgeous but now Pedro Salinas. He always does that. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. I love Pedro. Pedro's great.

But now that's like sealed in the National Archives. Is you trying to fuck? No, it's behind a pane of glass. You're trying to beat off. Imagine your horniest DM you've ever sent and that's like

there's a professor reading that. You see it at 11.35. Jay Savery said, what are you up to? Dissecting the pros. Right. You horny? Yeah, you horny?

Yeah. Notice he uses you instead of Y-O-U. Yeah, he's trying to like seem nonchalant. Hit it just kidding though. Yeah, I'm just kidding.

It's a bit, it's like Flannery O'Connor a bit. I can see the influence. If you'll see at 2 a.m., at 2 a.m. he sent a picture of his dick and then at three he deleted it. So. Yeah. They have like drafts of the manuscript.

I mean, you're horny. The end. You said to somebody like scribblings on a piece of paper. I would cover it and come. Yeah. That's probably why Hemingway and all those guys killed themselves. He was about to get out. Isn't like his whole family

kill themselves Hemingway Hemingway I think so yeah I know he had a tiny dick Hemingway supposedly he was trans the documentary came out

about him saying he was actually transgender what or like a hermaphrodite or something yeah cause he got in that car wreck in Paris right during the war

and it like they like blew his dick off or something they just called him trans he's mangled like you're trans right he's mangled like you're trans. Right. He's shell shocked.

To the trans metal. Yeah. I'm trans, but it's badass. Battle wound. He has a cheese battle wound. Trans. A mortar shell gave him a pussy.

Yeah. They pin a big pussy metal onto him. He wears a pussy hat. Yeah. He gets to meet the president. I understand you're woke now. We're going to make you a famous writer. Well, he wrote a short story about a guy that had no dick because of the war.

Yeah. It was pretty good. He was tight. I read a letter from him. He was writing to like F. Scott Fitzgerald or something. He described his dick as like a shell casing for like a bullet. I mean, wasn't he like World War I? There were some big shells back then.

He's like mortar. He loaded his dick in the shotgun. Blew his head off with his own dick. Crazy he did it with a double barrel. So badass. Yeah. Did he do both triggers? With something he probably killed like an elephant with.

Probably did it with an elephant gun. Yeah. Something crazy. Did he do both triggers at once? I hope so, dude. Because they have those like two triggers that you can pull, you know?

I think he was killed by Courtney Love. I will say if you could put both barrels in your mouth, that's gay, though. You're right. That's because he's trans.

Yeah. True. Putting both barrels. Ah. Oh. Yeah. You have to put one of those plastic things

that holds your mouth open to like kill yourself like from the dentist yeah yeah well he was being driven nuts by the CIA right

like what's their problem with him who Hemingway was like claiming that the CIA was was tracking him and that his phone

was like like you know bugged and shit which I think they were and all his friends were like shut up Ernest like you fucking idiot just shut up Ernie shut up ernie and uh then it came out like years after

his suicide that like yeah he was like definitely jd gr hoover like hated him for some reason because jd gr hoover was trans and he was like this guy's my competition they're highlanders there can only be one. High level eye to pyramid chance. Two 40s guys in dresses fighting in a parking lot. With that fucking

leprechaun. That's the cover of the Jameson bottle. Right. I love that we're finally taking Hemingway to task. You're right.

Tired of everybody worshiping him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Does the sun also rise? Does the sun also rise? Yeah. Well state is listening. Does the sun also rise? Yeah.

Well, I was thinking only that because you said the whole family died or killed themselves too. Maybe the CIA just kept one by one. The Kennedydom, yeah. Yeah. That could be. I don't know. I don't know enough about it, but I thought it was interesting that he told all his friends and they just thought he was completely insane and drunk.

That must have been cool, though, for the CIA. Back then, there was no internet like they could be like yo we can for sure kill this guy and everyone will think he killed him. He's always on safari hunts.

We'll just say an elephant like ripped his head off. He was drunk all the time. Yeah. He was a drunk. Yeah you could do anything to a drunk. A drunk exotic hunter.

Yeah. Just say he rolled down a cliff in Africa. He suicides wet dream. Right. They're waiting for him to pass on. They're drawing dicks on his face and shit. But they're little like his.

And it's an arrow saying it's small like his. The CEO's teabagging Ernest Hemingway. They probably got away with a ton of stuff. Oh, yeah. That would be cool, though. Imagine if everyone hates certain celebrities. But I hate that guy. It's like, y'all kill him right yeah for real i mean they did that with the uh the kennedys i believe yeah this is what i've heard a lot of them yeah

yeah the kennedys did that to their own family did they yeah did you ever hear about we talked about jfk's retarded sister no she's always in that document you're talking about that no that was someone else in the documentary where they live in like the old house that might be it i don't know that was onassis oh okay yeah they they live in the old house. That might be it. I don't know. That was Onassis' family. They're all the same, basically. But they had a sister who just kind of sucked a lot of dicks, and they just saw it into her head until she was retarded.

And then she lived in a basement for like 85 years. Because she was promiscuous, like her brothers, by the way. Yeah. Right. Yeah, but it's only allowed if you're the man. If you're the man, yeah. Isn't that why they shot him in the head, though? Because he's too horny? Yeah, they're like, dude, you gotta stop getting all this pussy. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But it's only allowed if you're the man. If you're the man. Why they shot him in the head though. Because he's too horny.

Yeah. Like dude you guys have to get all this pussy. Yeah. Dude nobody gets to fuck Marilyn Monroe and Jackie O.

Yeah. That was too powerful. Yeah. And be like what if we all got along. Like dude no. No no no no. That'd be like killing

Pete Davidson today. Guys our next sponsor is Meta PC. Meta PC built us this beautiful computer as you can see here based on the lemon party podcast art as you can see uh it's a gaming computer they put the little lemon party screen they have the big gulp um some pills some vapes on there and a bottle of lotion right here which is really funny yeah we specifically requested they put lotion on the pc so we really appreciate that.

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details and important safety information and we thank bluechew for sponsoring this podcast thank you and by the way devin uses it devin uses it for his penis you say this every time no you do you use it that was i use it too that was a bullet point in the copy was saying that devin uses i always use it after you i i high five you and i walk back in the bedroom that is all dude i was watching fucking i was at my uh like my aunt like my aunt's house is my wife's aunt and we're watching like morning Good Morning America on TV and they were just like basically like

Pete Davidson is a huge dick yeah yeah it's just okay to what the fuck man have some decency I know have some fucking decency

like well we call him Meat Davidson around there just like what the fuck when did you guys let the fucking

guardrails off it's like 7am in the morning yeah Jesus a bunch of horny ladies sitting around like come on man stop

yeah just drinking wine oh yeah just fucking drinking sangria drinking sangria at 7 a.m there's people dressed as like the minions like behind them in the class and they're just talking about a guy's huge dick yeah dude i was sitting there watching like all right that's enough of that dude that's what is gonna get become really fun about those shows as things get worse in america is the they always show like the city streets behind them yeah things are gonna get so it'll be so it'll be like gotham city there's a tank going yeah yeah and kathy lee and hoda are like jacking off p davidson but dude i'm like thinking about his mom i know he's like apparently close to his mom from with

all the stuff i hear and it's like would you want to hear about your son's maybe you kind of want to hear about your son's big dick all right you know what i mean maybe that's kind of like that's my boy i think my mom would be proud of that if that was a rumor about me yeah that's my baby it's all her friends that it might be like deep girl psychology is her friends like heard about your son on the news big dick and you're like yeah that's my boy that's him it's fucking a ton of the hottest celebrities i raised him with bDE I'd be kind of I don't know maybe I would be just kind of pumped would that get him comfortable after a while

I think it's also like I've never had a big dick before I don't know how it works how do you work it Jon Hamm got pissed Jon Hamm was like can everybody stop talking about how good looking I am

and how large my penis is he's like please he like put out a statement he did like a PR circuit he's going on like Marc Maron to talk about it. He's just depressed. He's like, guys, knock it off. He's like, and then she wanted to do anal.

Can we stop talking about how I rule at eating pussy? It's getting on my nerves. He just keeps trying to get into comedy. That will ruin it. Yeah, that's kind of tough. Yeah. Every day, a famous comedian screens a call from Jon Hamm. I'm like, ugh.

He just wants to talk about AA. Yeah, he's like, want to do a sketch? They're like, you're Don Draper. Yeah. He's like, yeah, dude, I was flaccid the other day. It was so embarrassing.

It was so embarrassing. No, it wasn't, man. No, stop. Yeah, I was in public and my eight-inch dick fell out. God, it sucks. I was born with a third leg. Yeah, it sucks

he had to go do that fucking press release. He had to pay like probably 40 grand. Yeah. I need to pay a ton of money to tell everyone how big my dick is. It's like, dude, stop. Just don't be, you're done. Or maybe it was all a ploy. Like he had like a prosthesis on or something like that.

Planned it out. Like a bunch of socks. He was a dick liar. Well, I remember Mark Wahlberg I think when Boogie Nights came out he tried to lie and say that was his dick at the end of the movie

to be fair who would yeah yeah I think he was like all natural and they were like that is a completely fake penis Mark Wahlberg does not have a 12 inch flaccid penis

everybody he might have been like yeah but mine was inside of it like yeah yeah it's about the same it's like mine was like holding it up basically

Mark's like I fucked everyone in the movie also anytime you see me fucking i was actually fucking yeah i fucked the shit out of them i put the shit out of roller girl you think you had that shit that like squirted you think you bought like a squirting milk yeah he's turning to Paul Thomas Anderson he's like you really want me to come on her though right

he's like you know I am Peter North right yeah he's beating that Chinese guy with his fake dick yeah he got away with murder dude

oh yeah he blinded us but he did he saved flight 97 or something that's true yeah yeah yeah he's like if I was there I would have charged him

with my fake dick and killed everybody he would have taken down terror right guy who's doing 9-11 fan fiction in his own mind yeah i mean we all it's still funny to be like hot as shit like super famous and rich and be like by the way i would have also stopped 9-11 i know yeah there's rumors about like him like in philadelphia especially like capitol grill is like you know like a a big steakhouse and there's so many people like yo I saw Mark Wahlberg

standing at the bar that girl came up to him and they went to the bathroom and he fucked her and came back and finished his steak and I'm like dude you just made that up

you made that up that was like a GQ fucking fantasy yeah they're like dude I was at the Capitol Grill Mark Wahlberg he left his dinner

he joined the Eagles then came back and then finished his fucking baked potato. And then stopped 9-11. I would have believed him before they said he came back

and finished his steak. Yeah, man. Because who busts and then eats that much protein? You might need to refuel though. That's true, yeah. Turn steak straight into cum.

Yeah, that's all he's got. Yeah. It is awkward to think about those guys that have to have sex constantly with like strange, beautiful women.

So you gotta get lost in that though. I think they're actually really sad. I think it does. I think it fucks you up. I think you're not. It's like beating a video game.

You gotta go, oh, I beat the video game. Yeah. Now what? Then you start doing GTA 5 shit where you start free roaming

and you do all the cheat codes and you start like killing hookers and well the cheat code for assassinating the president yeah the cheat codes for celebrities like i'll start fucking kids now yeah yeah i think yeah things are like eating kids and shit i think it's i think it rules for like three months and then it's just like it's like getting addicted to cocaine where you're just like well this rule that now i just like i have to do this or i'll be sad you know true yeah that's why leo donar doesn't leo dicaprio doesn't he put on headphones and sunglasses that's have you heard this noise canceling headphones and he's listening to like what is it it's mgmt mgmt yeah the woman comes in after signing an nda and she's where did you hear

this from this is no There's a lot of people who have leaked this. There's so many that it's confirmed. Yeah, it makes sense. They sign an NDA. They have to shower. They're made to shower. They walk into this big oak room

and Leo's laying on the bed. It's like a float tank, but you fuck later. He has earplugs in. He thinks he's imagining the women. He's laying there just spread eagle with like his dick hard and he's got sunglasses and noise cancelling headphones and he's blaring like time

to pretend it's like the hottest woman who ever lived is fucking the shit out of him and then he's just like blowing vape clouds like up in the air while she's like riding his dick. Just a sub on vape a huge vape. I'd have more respect for it if he was like doing the same setup and getting

completely reamed out. Like he should be getting fucked in the ass as hard as possible Yeah. It's kind of soft to just have like hot babes lay on top of you. Well wait like 20 years. They all turn into like Roman emperors and just start like having to take it His brother's fucking him. Right. Yeah he's wearing like a horse head.

Bring me Chris Evans. At that point, that's just terrifying. I've said it before. At a certain point, like with money, billionaires especially, you start just hallucinating in real life.

You just start being like, well, like, that's a dream. I'm going to lay here and listen to a song. Some anonymous hot babes are going to wander in. Just go as hard

as possible on me try to break the wall of MGBT whatever MGMT yeah yeah I'm gonna make an impact on Leo

and he's just going he's jerking off oh yeah no the girls are going no but I'm gonna I'm gonna be the one that changes him yeah he's gonna

yeah exactly right I saw that one movie I know his heart yeah what's interesting now is every article is like

Leo's actually a fatty now he's really like all the articles all the i thought it was dad bod they say he was hot they're like he's dad bod yeah i saw them they're like calling him fat because he gets dragged every day on twitter for having like a 24 year old girlfriend or something or what is it 21 yeah they like your body until they think you suck and then they hate yeah they're like he cares so much about the environment but he's fat i don't get the correlation. He's not jacked. Right.

How about you look up from your plate? Oh, they're coming. Don't look up. They're coming for him. They're going to try and cancel him soon. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, they're already prepping the,

they're spreading dissemination right now that he is a big fatty. Like he's the whale or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying that to the man. Yeah. Big fat. Yeah, well, I mean,'s the whale or something yeah yeah that's the saying that did him in yeah being fat yeah well I mean

now the Atlantic I get the emails from the Atlantic and they were like what's our obsession with age anyway so they're you know fucking lib pedophiles

but they're like I thought you were gonna say the Atlantic is running like articles about him being fat I'm like what has everything come to no no the Atlantic

is almost being like what's our obsession with age really nice it's just elite bull. It's just, you know, they're eating a dream of Chroma shit. Written by Michael Nambla. Yeah.

I just read the headlines and go, I don't read any of it. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, they're always on. Atlantic's on some bullshit 24-7. That is your job consuming the news is to just read a headline and be like, fuck. Yeah, literally. God damn it. That's bullshit.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty bad, right? I'm pretty separated from all of it, but I like been bullshit you know yeah that's it's pretty bad right i i'm i'm pretty separated from all of it but i like been checking in on it lately and it's been the the palestine train race everything's back in the white noise like don delillo shit white noise and balloons the balloons are wild too yeah the balloons are that's their ears clip where they do these balloons what do you think about these balloons guys no one's talked about the balloon guys you'll see this on your explore page later. Dude, what about the vaccine?

Dude. Are you kidding? Yeah, I mean, that's a fair question. It's kind of nuts. It is nuts. It's not as bad as talking about medicine anymore. I think it's normal. To not talk about medicine?

No, I think it's... We should all take the Hippocratic Oath now on the reverse and just don't question doctors at all. Oh, yeah, the reverse. That's normal. To not talk about medicine? No, I think it's... I mean, we should all take the Hippocratic Oath now on the reverse and just don't question doctors at all. Oh, yeah, the reverse. That's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the young boy...

What was the young boy's name? The Hippocratic used to... Fucking Hippocrates used to blow all the time. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. We have to take that oath, dude. I mean, I'm assuming. Yeah.

See Prometheus. Yeah. He fucked Prometheus in the ass. But yeah, no, I... Yeah, I've seen these balloons and you know i don't care about them at all nobody cares about what is it people are tweeting at me like why are you not taking this seriously like this is going to be world worth free i'm like it's a balloon yeah we're stealing each other's cell phone data all day yeah until china nukes taiwan

every like people getting mad at me like well then I'd be like, well, mind your own business, dude. Yeah. You're not China. It's there in-house. It's in-house stuff. Just let everybody do what they want. Invade whoever you want. But I want to be like, don't you guys realize that you cry about like nuclear war

every two months? That you think something really bad is going to happen or the world is ending? But every time it's like for sure. No, this is probably the end. There's a balloon over Alaska. Peaceful dude.

Yeah. Yeah. It's probably like a Chinese guy trying to do up or something. It's a Chinese guy and a white boy scout. Well, then there was like a few more, but are they balloons or are they like actual UFOs? I don't even know what's going on.

And then every day a new train crashes full of like hazardous. I think they're really trying, man. I think they're, I've heard the prophets are going, but then again, I think they get billions of dollars from all these,

I don't know. Supposedly the UFOs start ramping up when they're preparing us for like a new enemy or to go to war. There's more sightings of UFOs. To subliminally like plant defending.

Yeah, like when the Cold War was coming up and things like that, there was more and more sightings of UFOs, and then it kind of goes dead for a while. Who's going to be lucky? Who's going to be the lucky... Who are we going to get now?

Are we done with the Middle East? I think we've just stabilized them. Yeah. Yeah, we're done with them. I think we're going China. We fixed it. China. I think we're going China next.

Yeah. We could. We possibly could, man. But I mean, what would we do? I mean, that would be economic sanctions. If we just stop. We're like, yo, you guys don't make our shit anymore. These guys do the fucking inlet the mainland would just probably start. It's no more vapes No more cheap crap happy meal It would just be like economic warfare wouldn't it like I can't imagine

I'm just like at like what we just nuked the world like if we actually fought them could I Mean if we fought China though wouldn't like I think everything would be over like we were actually we should pick like a really poor country that's like really easy to fuck up you know what I mean yeah like Romania or something like foot soldiers right yeah old school we're like just Romania

like no other place in Europe we're just fine gypsies and care that is funny like as a like as a fighter gets older he starts fighting like less and less talented boxers. Because we used to be that Team America, we're going to fuck up everybody. And as our country is waning and deteriorating, we'll just bomb Lithuania.

Yeah, we're fighting Logan Paul now. We're in that stage of America. Yeah, we need to pick a country that's Ben Askren. Yeah, but now we have the robots on deck where it's like we can still fuck anyone up, dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It doesn't take, you know, we still, it's insane how above and beyond we are from all these. I think DARPA has like machines of death that you could barely comprehend.

Like they have noises that they could emit from things that just make you shit your pants violently and you start having seizures yeah dude i mean if you're in the legitimately in the business of killing people for people to like preserve like power they're not telling there's weapons they have i think they have crazy stuff i think the cia confirmed they tried to invent a gay bomb in like the 60s and 70s that wrote like it was like a bomb that would spread like pheromones everywhere like they would make guys just start fucking each other. I swear to God, I think that's a real thing.

I think they might have leaked it, dude. There might be a leak going around. Can you imagine dropping that in Russia? All those guys have to fuck each other? All like six, four bond dudes. Fight to death. I don't know if I... I'll just talk about it. I used to intern at Funny or Die like 10 years ago and I had to read a script

that because I have to read the scripts and then hand them off to people whether or not they were like worth anything and I think it was like Seth Rogen was attached to it and it was supposed to be

Seth Rogen and RZA and they are trying to start like a weed business this is like 2000 yeah yeah yeah 13 sure Pineapple Express time

sure yeah sure so it was RZA Seth Rogen and what i remember is they start a weed business where they're delivering weeds with drones and then accidentally the drones like fuck up near the end of act one and one of the drones flies over to the middle east and drops a ton of weed everywhere yeah and then the people that are like fighting like pick it up and they

all start smoking and get really high and it solves like all of like the world wars they all start making ashtrays they have tons of hash over there too I'm like you know they smoke a lot of opium it's like better yeah true

I'm sick did it get passed I said this is the worst thing I've ever read I was like don't bother me. I'm sorry if you're listening to this, if you wrote that. No, that was a thing going around for a while at a time. Like, yeah, that would solve all the problems. It's like, no, they just get weird and freak out. Yeah, it would cause more like psychotic breaks in people.

It would exacerbate acute psychosis and make people go insane. Yeah, it's not like you're going to hit a gravity bong and be like, well, I'll forget this thousand year blood war that my families have been in. If I smoked weed, I think there's like a demon in the bathroom, sharpening a blade to come out and kill me. I can't do anything. That's because you don't crush blunts like we do, dude. I'm more of a dab guy.

I like to bring a rig and I assemble it like a sniper in front of my friends. I remember when dabs came out and you're like oh this is like fucked up yeah they were fucked up man i was trying to tell everyone i when they first came out it was like black tar they would just take a bunch of shitty weed and run butane through it and be like a goop yeah and i watched a girl try to do a dab and they would do it like freebase basically and they took an empty like a pen yeah pen she started smoking it and it hit the fucking heat like the hot knife whatever they're doing and the pen melted and she just smoked half a pen and i was like that's fucked up yeah she's like am i gonna get sick i was like probably very sick you shouldn't need a butane she took the dab too i remember we did we did a fucking comedy show me and ben at a

vape shop in san francisco oh yeah it was like a vape bar, me and Ben, at a vape shop in San Francisco. Oh, yeah. It was like a vape bar, like a chill-out place. But for weed, right? Yeah, sorry, it was for dabs, I mean. Or a dab bar. It was a dab bar. It was a dab lab.

I think it literally was called something like that. It was called a dab lab, yeah. And there was this section, we're performing for these people, and there was a guy who looked like French Montana in a like a business suit and he hit a dab and his eye like i know it's like a hack story his eyes literally turned like red buttons like spinning mac wheel yeah when something won't buffer it was literally like it was like tomatoes in his skull and he was like he's like and like snot was like dripping onto his thing and dude there was like a waitress who was bringing more dab shit to everybody. And she was like bending over.

He took his phone. I swear to God. And was like, he was so high. He was trying to get a picture of her ass, but he took it like this, like a foot away from her ass. Everybody's like, dude, what the fuck? He's like, oh no. He's like a swamp monster.

What an awful place to like be high out of your mind you just look outside in san francisco and it's people just dressed up like like demons right strange drawings of people almost that came to life strange doodles the guy dressed like can they have breaking into cars smashing windows yeah getting high at dab lab would be terrible too instantly it'd be self-aiming like a brutal self-aiming i'm like what am i doing yeah i'm in the dab lab it was terrible like doing comedy because you'd be like the bank's weird and be like yeah like their brains are just like fried i i panic when i smoke that much weed because i'll look around and i'm embarrassed at who i'm around like i'm like what the how did i wind up here like

i had like a full-blown like tony soprano level panic attack at a Flatbush Zombies concert when I was like 22. We smoked so much weed all day and then I was there and I was like, oh, these people like them too? I was embarrassed to be a part of the fan base and we got so high and then I just saw light and woke up

to all the people I hated helping me and being very nice. You're like, I'm the problem. Maybe I have an issue. I'm a little hateful. One of the last times I smoked weed, I was convinced, I was at an LCD Sound System concert with Jace, and I ruined the night for everybody by taking one hit of a spliff and then turning to Jace and being like, I think there's going to be a mass shooting at the concert and the

shooter's going to come up from there. Look, there's no way out. We couldn't get out of here. Dude. And Jace is like, just dance yourself clean. Right, well I was on Molly, and so Ben, we came up with like two way different vibes. Cause Ben was, Ben like literally got itched from my face,

he's like, there's a shooter, he's like up in the corner, he's gonna like stomp us. I look, by the way, I took a tiny hit of a spliff. A tiny hit. You were like that, I was just like, it's just all love, love man Why would there be shootings Like rubbing my nipples And shit

Bullets are just love pitches I saw someone do A ton of weed tincture Like all day And then take Molly And he had like The two part He was having both experiences

Simultaneously And it was kind of a nightmare Freak out and like love He would lay there And be like Oh man And be like I can't stand up

And like stand up dude And he'd be like oh fuck dude i'm just gonna fucking stop oh man this feels good it was insane dude it was fucked up yeah it was bad it was a bad thing um matt thanks for coming on oh dude thanks yeah um do you oh you want to promote your stand-up dates yeah uh we have people that listen to this podcast hell yeah when's it come on this comes out next tuesday today's what uh wednesday this will come out on uh tuesday tuesday like six days Yeah. We have people that listen to this podcast. Hell yeah. This comes out next Tuesday, I think. Today's what? Wednesday? This will come out on Tuesday.

Tuesday, yeah. So in like six days. Yeah. Let me see. I'll give you some time. We can also, yeah, we can edit this out. Yeah, obviously check out Stoner Dads, Matt and Shane's. Hell yeah.

Let's be positive. Let me see. I do have some dates. I just have to pull them up very quickly. No, it's cool. No worries. I'm going to Phoenix. I'm pissed.

I'm going to Phoenix and I don't like the ticket sales. But I think Phoenix just had another train. I know. Watch out for the train shit. I know, man. It was like a fucking hour away. But what happens is, is like no one buys tickets until like two days before. So you just bite your nails and all of a sudden.

Yeah, that's totally because they're all being told to shelter at home. True. True. But I'll be at the Stress Factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Stress Factory, New Brunswick, New Jersey Laff, Boston Massachusetts and then

Magoobie's April 20th in Bowie, Maryland and you wrote a book too right? oh yeah Overlook I did write a book

I'm writing another one right now cool very cool Ben's writing a book too right now are you really? I wrote one that I'm editing now and I'm on a second one

but it's I'm navigating a field I just write every day and I have no idea what I'm doing that's all you now and I'm on a second one but it's I'm navigating a field I just write every day and I have no idea what I'm doing that's all you do just get a good editor yeah I do

Pedro I don't want to oh Pedro yeah phenomenal Pomona College phenomenal oh Pomona College

yeah I'm always like come on man come on he's so fucking so smart he's great Pedro's great fucking hot yeah he's great Pager's great

fucking hot yeah big dick actually I called out his big ass dick one time on stage oh yeah I introduced him as having a big ass dick

and he alluded to it and everyone stopped laughing he's like yeah I guess and everyone's like what's your problem yeah everyone's like fuck you dude

and I was like I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that to you yeah he was like the Jon Hamm of our comedy scene yeah totally

alright well thanks for coming yeah thanks Matt appreciate it