lemonparty - 018: Dog Day Afternoon w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty Ian Fidance is the host of Bein Ian w/ Jordan Jensen Subscribe to their podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@BeinIanPod See Ian on tour: http://www.ianfidance.com/ go to www.greekglassshop.com use lemon15 for 15% off ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

your mics right there yeah yeah there you go buddy dude that's wild oh you guys get are you recording you guys get a cool fucking lemon party 90s computer box I get a fucking

handmade hand woodcrafted ashtray B and E and ashtray cool and then he gives me a big reservoir

for epoxy and it looks like cum and I'm like wait is this the woman here's lead singer gave you this? Yeah, you got an ashtray? No, no. He made a wood thing with two ashtrays in it but he made this huge hole and filled it with epoxy

and it looks like a cum reservoir. And everyone goes, is that cum? And I go, hey man, what's with that? And he goes, I know you like sucking dicks, I thought it was cum. He's like, he's bullying you through the stuff he says. What the fuck, man? Your dick sucks.

Well, it's cool to find out Seth Rogen's a big fan of yours. Did he make you a vase, too? Hey, man. I would love if he hadn't showed up with the press on nails Seth Rogen has. The Nickelodeon nails that he does. Yeah, he's like fake trans now or whatever. Nuh-uh. He films the videos for his house plan.

He has long clip-on nails that he has now. Shut up Nuh-uh. He films the videos for his house plan. He has long clip-on nails that he has now. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. You've seen the nails, right? Who? For who? Seth Rogen's big press-on nails.

Oh, he's doing like he paints his nails. Yeah, he paints his nails black now? Well, he has the press-ons. Oh. And they look like Nickelodeon patterns. That's what you like.

That's like a version of voting nowadays. Does he look like a receptionist at a dentist's office? looks like he looks like sam uh smith now they kind of like a similar look going on so he's gaining he's going back to his old form he's just looking grosser yeah yeah he's looking more jewish oh we forgot about the soy face oh right yeah we're all discombobulated i'm'm in the dark. What's soy face? Ben starts every episode by doing soy face into the camera.

And then if he doesn't, the fans get extremely upset. Look at him go. Ian, would you like to do soy face? Ian, go get up there. What do you do? You do like a really off-putting YouTuber face. Where you're like, what? Look at this.

Do I look like Dylan Mulvaney and go, hi! really like off-putting like youtuber face yeah like what look at this dude i love ian this is like when robin williams would do like letterman and he'd be like running all over the set he wouldn't even be confined to a chair right they're like Robin do your black guy voice go I think I pulled a muscle pointing oh Ian I can't believe you have a cane it's amazing I know

to carry around this big old dick you know what I mean brother come on you look like you run a bisexual orphanage. You want this one? Eat it good. Willy Wonka, but he fucks all the munchkins. We coat ourselves in chocolate. Anything in this factory, you can fuck it.

You can suck it. It'll come in. I just got stuck sucking that one over there. He's good to go. Dude, having a cane is the best. You should get it. Yeah. Dude, you get to go tap of the cane.

Do you feel like Dr. House? Do you feel like a serious man? Like a torch? Do you feel tortured? Like a torture genius? No. I feel great. I feel like it's good for like doing a cheers.

Yeah. Hey. Or say something to me. Hey, Ian. how you doing watch your toe buster in the chest in the bit that offended me i wanted to slap your hand with it can you hit me with it like wrap him on the nut like i want to feel it yeah that's fucking crazy yeah yeah you can fuck me up with that i know well it was good walking around la with all the vagrants oh sure come near me fella yeah when i had my cane

the last time i fucked my back up i was in the village and i was hobbling around and someone was like oh whoa look at that i go oh the cane's great you can do this you tap this and you can go oh what where's the store over there and i hit a tourist right in the face whoops are you doing plenty of gags on stage with the cane well you gotta have some cane yeah i don't need it all the time 100 of the time because you're a tell it like it is comedian anyway you're sitting on the stool i sit on the stool you're wearing your patrice hat i got my patrice hat i've got my very large talking head suit on and uh patrice was just a big david byrne fan women suck uh dude my favorite comics ever are open mic patrice and small town bill hicks

open by patrice rules. The best. There was one time I was at the Creek of the Cave and there was like, you could always tell there was about to be an Open Mic Patrice because first off,

it would be a gigantic black man we'd get on stage and then he'd pull, there wouldn't even be a stool because it's a shitty open mic. It's like the Creek in the Cave. Yeah. So he pulled up

like one of those just couch cushions and sat on it and he's just there. He's like, ah, ah. He's like, look, these white motherfuckers and then he points at me he goes this corny ass fucking cracker right here he didn't have he didn't have any jokes open my trees is great i got called after him and i had a really

good time he came up to me he goes he goes man you know i just you know i'm just busting balls right we're just busting balls with each other. Dude, you fucking go to LOL Comedy Club. That is just a roster of open mic Patricis. It's amazing. Just guys like... That's the Times Square? Yeah. Guys that wear their merch shirts on stage.

Oh, with the at? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comedian da man. And then they're up and they're like, yo, it's these females. They're up there, they're sitting on the stool. They're like, the thing about it is like, I'm nervous i'm highly nervous and i haven't prepared man yeah y'all

you haven't prepared y'all know how a pimp gets social anxiety y'all know how y'all have an image of yourself in your mind's eye and then doesn't really meet up with reality i'm having one in a moment you know how you can't create art, but you know the inflections of art? So you can do that. You know when your girl tells you, like, why are you doing this? You know when you're a player,

but you get no pussy in real life? You know how I've never had sex? The black incel? That's great. Black incel Patrice. What was the second guy? A Bill Hicks something? Small Town Bill Hicks. Small incel Patrice. What was the second guy? A Bill Hicks something? Small town Bill Hicks.

Small town Bill Hicks. It's just innocent people going out to the comedy night, and he's got to tell them how it is. How they're wrong. In his leather jacket. He's like, it's all a ride, but he works at the fair. It's all an actual ride. It's all an actual ride.

It goes up and down And then you get off It's called the zipper And I'm in charge of it Yeah What's the third one? There's gotta be There's a tell trope

Women comedians Women comedians Yeah there's the ones with vaginas That's a thing. Yeah, there's that. There was like when Louie was really big, the sad, the sad fact. The confessional guy. Oh, yeah. The overly confessional guy.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a burrito that I had. Those guys. Guys killing themselves, but they don't do drugs. Dude, no, my favorite is Open Mic Comics' wife. That's the best.

But like, they support the guy and they're like, working a job so the guy can do his dream thing and then his entire set on stage is like,

you guys ever marry a fucking bitch? Like, he's just like, shitting on the only support system he has. And every joke's about how his wife's like terrible. No, she's in the car with it running. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's got him like snacks. She's the reason he got to the open mic. Yeah. He doesn't even have a car. Yeah. She's the reason he's bathed. Yeah. She's the reason he has a new backpack Yeah. Yeah. She's the reason he has a new backpack.

For some reason, he's wearing on stage. My favorite was the guys who were so crazy, they weirded out open mic comedians. Yes. Like, they were too weird to be around. Dude, do you remember Alan Shane? Yeah, I love Alan Shane. Yes. There's a documentary on him and Gowie.

Remember Gowie? I remember Gowie, yeah. These guys died, like, horrifically, right? Horrifically sad. Right. and shane yeah i love that there's a documentary on him and gary remember gary i remember gary yeah uh that these guys died like horrifically right horrifically sad right this this is the saddest shit ever this guy was like a new york city cab driver for decades and he would just go to open mics and he had long gray hair in a ponytail and he would go up he looked like he looked like he just was a groupie for like fucking the Alan Parsons band or something. Yeah, okay. Yeah, like he, most people like follow, you know, like Fish Around. He did that, but with Marshall Tucker band.

Right, he followed actual Fish Around. He's just swimming in the ocean. He's like, dude, 78, Madison Square Garden. How you feel? Tired of going upstream with these salmon brother yeah just outside the creek like I could use

a miracle man anybody want a balloon you remember he would go on stage and videotape himself and he would just go hot comb hot black comb well sometimes sometimes he would go on stage and he'd have like a whole like a scroll that he would like unroll oh and just he would be like what if a gay guy's dick and then he'd start he'd just start laughing.

What if a gay guy's dick was shit? He would laugh. But he has like a Shakespearean scroll that he rolled out. He had loose newspapers, like crazy person papers. It was just a long CBS receipt. He has the Ignatius Riley magazine.

Every homeless person has 18 pieces of paper that look insane. And he brought that on stage. The papers you bring to the courthouse citywide. It's a CVS receipt. Right. There's a documentary on him

and they interview him in his apartment and there's like cockroach. It's just like so sad. And then that guy Gowie what was his name oh is he Jace told me about a guy

that was really fat and he died in the back of an open mic and then the people had the yeah there was a guy who died in the back

of Creek in the Cave I never I heard about this second hand oh the guy that ate a big burger and then just died he went on stage

he was in the garage you know that downstairs area of the old creek before they shut it down because of all the rapes. City came in, they go, all right,

too many open mic's got rapes. City inspector? We don't really care. It's just a health violation. You know, usually I look the other way, but there's one going on right here,

right now. We had his paraphrase. I'll be done in a minute. We gave your rapes a d they put it in the window um but yeah apparently there was a guy in the basement where he went up like huge fat guy he just went up he's like you're all cunts and then he went to the bar and he did like two PBRs and like ate a hamburger and then he went in the back

and people thought he fell asleep but he just died so they did the whole open mic and he was just in the back just like like flies crawling across his open eyes and shit he's like the guy from 7

this fat spaghetti guy love that guy. And so they called the fire department to get him, but they couldn't get him out the back. He got stuck in the stairway. They had to airlift him. You're making this up. I heard that.

This is real. I heard that, yeah. When was this? Like 2015 or something. There was another guy who cut a lady's head off? Yeah. Shut up. You know this guy. I'm not going to say? Yeah. Shut up. You know this guy.

I'm not going to say his name. Shut up. Because you can look him up. But he was a guy. He'd always go at the... It was the same. He'd go at the creek, and he wore those big black rimmed glasses and long black hair. And he goes, I'm going to put onion rings on my dick, motherfucker.

And then he'd go like, hoo-ah. Like something like that. Was it Nate Diaz? No. No. No. And then like three years later, he disappeared and they found him outside 30 Rock.

He had cut his mom's head off and had it like in a box. Yes, yes, his mom's head. Oh, I thought you said girlfriend's head. I said a lady's. No, no, no, his mom's head. Yeah, it was his mom's head. His mom's head. Please, make it worse.

Please. And somehow the saddest part of the story is he had headshots to give to warn outside 30 rock when he got caught no yeah that's what i heard you're you're confusing two different people you're confusing tracy morgan in that yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna cut my mom's head off you literally just went through an episode of 30 rock you're confusing people that opie pulled pranks on yeah you're just describing shocktober yeah this is oh you're confusing people that opie pulled pranks on yeah you're just describing shocktober oh you're just doing whip them out wednesday you remember this is october 2008 on the opiate

anthony show no you stepped on that homeless guy's cake we all remember this yeah no no there was a guy that was just trying to make a living by being a little wacky on the radio and then opie sent a million people to destroy his entire livelihood. No, you're confusing. Okay, so that guy did do that with a head and everything. All right, so let's get it right. He did cut his mops out. Everything you said was true.

Yeah, but the guy with the headshot outside 30 Rock, that was Gowie. Oh, that was Gowie. Yes, and this guy, Gary Gary I forget his last name but he was in every episode of 30 Rock as a background actor uh going across the stream when they'd be in the studio um he was just like a guy that had like papers right very innocuous whatever but in his head it's because Tina Fey believed in him right like she picked him specifically yes and so his thing was i'm gonna get on nbc and i'm gonna be a star so he started leaving flyers tina fey call me on like the gift shop of 30 right and going around and just putting them up around the city and it goes into that in the documentary and i saw that in, oh God, I was in a real shit town

in a hotel room alone watching that on a bad road gig. And I was like, am I the next one? Who made this documentary? Fucking Werner Herzog? This is more deranged than fucking eating a shoe. Look at this retard going to open mics every night, bombing over and over. The retard does jokes about dating every night.

He's watching his five-minute tape. He goes, never show this to anyone. You can hear the screams. I would show Grizzly Man on Letterman before I let Garewick go on air. His family's crying. My family was killed in the Holocaust and this is the worst of humanity,

is Garewick. And he's dead, right? We can talk shit about him. Oh, he died? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. He got killed by the police. It's suicide by cop.

Everyone we know has... We had a guy like that recently. We know people that have killed themselves in... It's like Acme is ordering these executions. People throwing themselves in front of big trains. People getting suicided by cop. Like Mel Blanc is writing their fucking... Their death. You're like, what happened to Big Head Johnson?

Like, oh, he got smashed by a piano. Big Head Johnson. What happened to Big Head Johnson? Like, oh, he got smashed by a piano. Yeah. Big Head Johnson. Something like, what happened to Treehouse Franklin? Oh, he thought he was driving into a cave, but it was a brick wall. Yeah, exactly. Oh, his parachute was actually dynamite. Yeah, he went in the woods because he thought it said Wabbit season, but it was actually comic season season and then he got shot.

There was one guy we know who got obliterated by a train. He literally stopped the whole metro in LA. But we also can't tell if he just thought he was getting on the train. Right. He was that dumb. You don't know if this was an LA open mic. You don't know

if the guy thinks... He thinks the door is on the front of the train. Yeah. You lay down and it sucks you up into it. It sucks you up into it. He thought it was like a futuristic train. Like it's a vacuum. It's not suicide.

They're just dying. He tried to hug the train. He had his thumb out like he was thumbing it down. And it just knocked the top half of his body Clean off Yeah he had a bendle with a big Handkerchief on the end of it Here comes the

Toot toot Some of my favorite retards all we talk about on this show is retards I love it It's the best They're here for us You know if we're not. Well, they're here for us. Yeah, yeah. You know? If we're not doing it and they're doing it, you gotta laugh at them. We all got a little tard in us.

We all have a tardness and that's why it's okay. If you... If you got killed by the LA Metro, you might be an open mic. You might have a little tard in you. If you multiple times hurt your back and just decided not to do PT and you gotta use a cane again, you might be a little tart in you. If you multiple times hurt your back and just decided not to do PT and you got to use a cane again, you might be a little tart. If you threw your back out at Skank Fest, you might be a retard. Yeah. Dude, that was gnarly.

Laying on the ground, just army crawling to my phone to call my friend who's a doctor. My doctor visits or me FaceTiming my best friend Bill being like, what do I do? I ask him, I go to my buddy, I go, hey, man, what do you hear this diet pill? You know anything? I'm gaining weight. And he goes, stop eating and stuffing your fat fucking piggy face. I was like, thank you, doctor. Right.

Why were you crawling? You were crawling at Skank Fest? You were crawling to get to your phone? In my hotel room. Oh, in your hotel room. What do you think? I don't know. This Gang Fest does seem like a Walking Dead episode.

I thought it was like I didn't know what was going on. I thought it was a mosh pit. Rick was there. He's like, we need to find another group. Stop acting like you know what's going on, man. Rick! Crack-a-meco's doing a song!

Meet me at harris we heard shannon might be showing her left tit make sure you get out there oh yeah well that's why i was worried at you you were like you were at the week one of the pack like they might pick you off or something just start tearing your limbs off no no i was in my hotel room and my back just like it had started to hurt the week before and i was like man this is like weird i mean this pain keeps getting bigger and then i was in bed and i shifted and it turns out my hip is like this uh-huh so when i turned it like just spasmed out of control and i fell off the bed and i couldn't get, and I army crawled to get my phone. And then I had to – dude, this is so stereotypical of comics. I called a buddy, and I was like, hey, man, I threw my back out.

I have to go pick up a prescription for ibuprofen, and I got to get a cane. Because you won't do something stronger than that, right, as a sober guy? No, no, no. Even if a doctor writes you a big, nice, beautiful little thing and says, here you cane. Will you come with me? Because you won't do something stronger than that, right, as a sober guy? No, no, no. Even if a doctor writes you a big, nice, beautiful little thing and says, here you go. Oh, brother. So you're just taking

like an entire bottle of Advil. You're like snorting ibuprofen. The doctor prescribes Ian crowd work. You're gonna want to do about 10 worries together. And then, you know, later. then 15 what do you do for work the doctor goes there's going to be a retard dating in the front row

your doctor's like do you have a caption guy so they're going to be a communist so these so these two guys in the front row they're just guy friends but you're going to assume they're gay I forgot to mention we have a capitalist pig on the show. Oh, yeah, that whole thing.

Capitalist pig. Shame! Oink, oink. Oink, oink, you commie pinko fucks. Go to hell. Good luck getting wired money from your parents on your little commune, faggots. Whoops. No, you can say that.

That's okay. That's like and on this show. Yeah, we're not going to take away your oxygen. Yeah, come on. You got to swim. You're a shark. You don't say fag once every hour. You die.

That's the gills of this podcast. The gills. I am sweating from laughing so hard I gotta take off my shirt Yeah if we don't say gay story Just like in 45 minutes we're all glassy eyed And dead Like when a plane is depressurized And it keeps flying

By the way for anyone who doesn't know what's going on Ian got dragged he got owned He got completely owned on Twitter frankly Hey I might have been By a bunch of geniuses I might have well been a queer Laramie, Wisconsin, because I got dragged by a fucking truck.

That guy, I forget his name, the pile of mud. Don't dignify his name. He's the ultimate. We don't have to say his name. He's a human anthill. He goes after people and he bartends and stuff. Oh, right.

I know who you're talking about. I forget his name. We don't need to mention it. He's a mud pie. He's a mud pie. A Jewish golem. Yeah, yeah. The gum on your shoe.

He grew, and he started going after you. He's not Jewish. No, no. He's Spanish. Well, no. A golem is Jewish. Oh, right. A mud He's not Jewish. No, no. He's Spanish. Well, no. Gollum is Jewish. Oh, right. A mud person from the Jewish. Yes.

I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm not on that level. I know you hate Jewish people. I'm sorry. Sorry I brought it up. Yeah. God damn.

Dude, it's so funny to me. It's a dumb fucking throwaway thing. I didn't understand. When I saw the day you were having, I was like, what? It was insane. It's a dumb fucking throwaway. I didn't understand when I saw the day you were having. I was like, what? It was insane. It's a throwaway clip. It was just a dumb, stupid thing.

It was a fucking. It was like a crowd work show. Well, it's a show called Stand Up On The Spot where people throw suggestions and the clip they sent me from the thing. I was like, well, whatever they sent. I did like a 20 minute set. You're talking to a really hot, like a really hot woman who's like, I'm a communist. Yeah, yeah. To be fair, you post like 15 reels like a week.

You got your numbers up. You post a lot of stuff. You're just like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, I'm unwell. If I don't do it, I'm like, I have no value. I hate myself. It sucks. I'm living in a hell of my own design, man.

Well, that's because you're a capitalist It's a nightmare Maybe try Marxism You need Marxism Just sit around and think Patreon's doing well Apparently everybody wants me to be a Marxist now Well you look like you would be

Well I mean hey Who's not a fan of Richard Marks? Tap of the cane. I'm expecting you to pull a sword out of that. I wish. I wish. Whoever made that box make me a fucking sword cane. The girl you went after laughed.

I didn't go after anyone. You didn't go after. I'm saying the girl you met, she laughed. It was fun. Dude, it was the last comic in the show and everybody's throwing suggestions throughout the whole show and I don't know what. Someone yelled that

and I was like, huh. And I just threw words out of my mouth and then put it online and she laughed and everyone laughed and it's like so clear I'm being like silly and like joking and like whatever and dude everyone hated me no they turned you into the monopoly man oh dude yeah and it didn't help that i was wearing the worst suit ever i was literally gonna say i think that's why you got

ducked on oh yeah you look like a hack suit it's hilarious you look like you look like bill maher it's amazing dude i just came from my friend's funeral, and that's the only suit I have. The fucking bouncer from the cellar, Steve, just died, and I went to his funeral. And if you've never been to a black funeral, fucking go. It's incredible, dude. Holy shit. They were playing hip-hop on the walk-up to fucking give eulogies and everything.

It was amazing. Well, that's pretty capitalist, though. Little do they know, though, after the show, you got on one of those bikes with the big wheel, and you just, like, pedaled through Brooklyn to get up. A penny farther. Yeah, a penny farther. Yeah, and also, too, like, all jokes aside,

I do, like, in my, like, people have this idea of me being, like, a capitalist. Like, in my free time, I do set homeless people on fire. It's like, you know, I hate poor people. I've never been poor. Fucking assholes. Pieces of shit. Anyway, so I fucking. Go off, Quinn.

I'm literally. Shut up. We're giving you the platform to go off. Go off to them. Let them know. Yell at them. They're probably all watching. Yell at them.

I think he's outside. He just delivered our Postmates, actually. Did he send you a picture of it? He's about to start tweeting. Did anybody come to your defense? That was like really big. Did anybody, did anybody step in the line of fire?

Nobody cared because it was the dumbest shit ever. It was all these like lunatics. Literally the joke was like, oh, they were like communism. I was like, oh, new age communists are annoying.

Yeah. It was like basically whatever. And then they were like communism. I was like, oh, new age communists are annoying. That was like basically whatever. And then they were all annoying and just like, so whatever. And then I'm literally in a hotel room in McAllister, Oklahoma, taking a shit. I just got done doing a sold out gig. And I'm like, oh, wow, these people think I suck. Shut up. Shut up.

All right, capitalists. We get it. You made a lot of money that night. Mr. Bonus on the weekend. So they added more chairs so they wouldn't give me bonus. They break down a wall. Actually, it looked like really nobody. So I'm like I'm laughing

Responding to people But then apparently That means you're ratioed I didn't know what a ratio was But everybody's like Ratioed I don't know what that is Some of them really got you too

Whatever They got you good Must have hurt I'll quote Janusz Pocha From Ghostbusters 2 You are like The buzzing of flies

To him I love Ian so much Oh man that rules Yeah it was hilarious I should have started dogpiling you though That would have been great Oh dude I would have loved it Well I think it's so funny

Dude the funniest fucking thing I screenshotted something some guy said and it was a fun and it's so they're like don't quit your deja oh like you have a job oh it was just like the most out of touch like insane and and a part of me for a second was like oh my god are they right am i the worst do i i suck that's that's not a good guy. And then I'm like, oh, no, like, let me live in reality, you know? But that's why people like Jordan Peterson, they go nuts because every day they wake up and then like the New York Times, like every media outlet is dragging them. And after years of that, they literally go insane. You can only get owns for so long.

Yeah. Before you're like. Go into a coma and eat all you need. You're like, my best friend is Charlie Kirk. That's all I have. So, Ben, read this tweet. It's the funniest fucking shit. Is it just a picture?

I knew it was going to be something. Well, I have to share that now. Fuck you. I hope someone just saw it and zoomed in. They are going to break that down. Like, no, but oh, this is it. This is this is the funniest. We also love that you just have that photo.

It's right next to your most recent Spanish. It says, hey, comedian de mediocre. It's a Mexican guy that goes, hey, comedian, mediocre. You were hitting refresh because this is this tweet says it was 36 seconds ago. So you were going nuts. You're like a full manic breakdown. Don't put that on me, asshole. You look like you're going on a fishing trip with your son from a private school, you fucking dickhead.

I've got my vest on and my little cap. My new mustache. Come on. Let's get me out of here. My new mustache. Come on. Let's get in the Audi. My new mustache. You had to start using a cane right after being called a capitalist king. You got owned so hard you broke a bone. He's starting to dress like a capitalist.

He's going to have a big top hat and a money bag. This is what happened to Peterson, dude. You're going to start wearing suits with tweets on them and stuff. Tweets? Yeah. He puts his tweets on his suit where he has a twitter suit now because he loves elon yeah he wears no yeah it's like tweets the inside of the suit jacket truly i'm and he does look good in a lot of the suits out of touch with all this stuff he's like i truly don't know about that or like what a ratio it like i i don't so a ratio is it's the ratio of uh replies to like engagement on the on the tweet and so what was the joke by the way what did you say it's dumb

it was a dumb joke it wasn't a joke it just it was crowd work so you said they were you just said uh you said something about capitalism like oh she's, she's a capitalist. She said she's a communist. He goes, oh, have you ever read history? And everyone laughed, including her. Because of genocide. And then I was like, every new age communist doesn't want to work. And they're all like polyamorous witches in Brooklyn. It was the wording of don't want to work. And they're annoying.

It's just when you say people don't want to work. But then in the caption of the thing, I said capitalism sucks, but the other option's not better. They just totally ignored that. And a part of me was like, I was like, why am I bad? And then I'm like, like shake out of it.

You're fucking great. This isn't real. These are all, I'll go back to it. To quote Janusz Pocha from Ghostbusters 2. I keep thinking you're about To quote Janusz Pocha from Ghostbusters 2. I keep thinking you're about to quote Janusz Pop. I keep thinking that you're obsessed with Janusz. It's just a Greek guy.

To quote our god, Janusz Pop. The thing is, if you wear a suit now, you got to do with that rape guy, the Channel 5 guy. You got to wear a suit that guy would wear. Raped Callahan. Andrew Callahan. Andrew Callahan, the big rapist. Yeah, the star of Last of Us.

Yeah. The kid. Yeah. If you wear a suit now, you need to wear a suit where the tie is all weird and fucked up and there's stains all over it and mismatched. Yeah, at what point do I add teenage acne to my face? No wonder you had to rape. His face looks like the moon. You know what? He probably hasn't felt bad, but if he listens to this, that's going to my face. No wonder he had to rape. His face looks like the moon.

You know what? He probably hasn't felt bad, but if he listens to this, that's going to get him. That's going to do it. Why? Because a literal bridge troll? That guy has acne.

Meanwhile, my forehead's 20 feet behind me. You're an Easter Island head. Jesus Christ. I mean, my God. You should wear a suig where the bow tie just spins and there's a flower that shoots water out of it.

Well, that's where we're really fucked, though, is that something like that happens and people are so desperate to attack anybody they think you are responsible for capitalism. We've ever been a part of any discussion on how the country's run or economic. Don't those people know I can't read? If they implemented communism tomorrow, you'd be like, all right, I guess.

I don't know. I'm a pawn. I'm a small pawn. The only reason Ian's been able to start his own podcast is because he's in a rent-controlled place where he can use his basement to turn it into a studio to have a Patreon. The idea that you're part of the problem is, like, completely insane. It's insane. Yeah, right.

And also, it's a fucking... Like, you're some cog in the wheel of... Like, I don't... I just don't get, like, that whole stuff or, like, getting angry at people online

or, like, being mean. Like, it's just so dumb, you know? I like being mean on the internet. I can't do it. I hate it. I like being mean on this show. Well, you're pretty good at clapbacks.

Really? I mean, you wrote a whole tweet to the guy. Oh, I got that. You called him like a, you said like, you broke down his character. Oh, I stomped that roach good. That's the thing. If you deserve it, if you deserve it, if you deserve it and you come after one of my friends, I'll fucking tear you apart.

Wait, did he come after Jay? No, but did they come after my baby boy? He came after Nick Bolin. Yeah. What is that guy's history with Nick? I don't know. What is that? Well, dude, that guy,

we were all friends with him, and then he went off the deep end and fucking, you know. Cut his mom's head off. He cut his mom's head off. And he would just go up on stage and yell, hot cum. And we're like, hey, man, cool it. Oh, he's the guy that ate his cum too right that was a big thing oh yeah in a video yeah i

don't even know i don't look if you're coming to me for your political fucking advice you i mean you've already lost what are you doing that's what i'm saying though yeah that we're so desperate to just be angry at anybody yeah you became i i think it's fun. Like, I get a kick out of it. So, Matt Stone and, like, Trey Parker get dragged on Twitter, like, every week. Because a clip will just surface of Trey Parker doing Chinese voice. Oh, yeah. And it gets, like, three million views. And people go, this is the most cringe as fuck thing.

Like, they don't know what South Park is. Yeah, and they're like, you shouldn't do this. And it's like, when people go, it's cringe or quit your thing it's like you're so out of touch yeah but unfortunately gen z is like driving the uh the whole like they're kind of setting the standard for like the zeitgeist technically in terms of places directions so the thing i see that come is coming back with gen z comedy because i'm just interested in this i just happen to observe it. I'm not obsessed with people who are in their early 20s.

Right. Or their late teens. You're dressed like you watch them from afar. Well, let me tell you. You know, in my observations, I've been... The new comedy for them

is stuff that's really wacky. Especially if you go on TikTok, it has to be like the most absurd where they're just like, hey dude, what's up? And then a guy, and they go, hold on, my phone's ringing.

And they're at a gas pump and then they pick up the gas pump. They go, hello? And then it goes, it's your father. And then they turn, they go, whoa, it's my dad. And they turn back

and they go, whoa, dad? And it's the other guy that was just there was wearing a wig. And then like the phone flips and then they're like in their closet all of a sudden. And it's like two minutes of that it's completely nauseating it has like 40 million views but it's so fast that you can't click off of it because

it's it's this nauseating like you have like vertigo after watching a two-minute comedy thing but those that type of comedy none of it is at anybody's expense it's not um it's not creative in terms of like the way um math can be creative you know like in terms of critical thing like it's just like one nonsensical thing after they don't like it's like if you only spoke in non-sequiturs it's a million left turns yeah yeah you just keep doing so you just sort of screw into the earth there's no victim right if you just keep doing so you just sort of corkscrew into the earth. There's no victim. Right.

If you can't be racist, you just like turn into a NASCAR track. It turns this weird thing where someone's handing you a glass of milk out of the dark. That's us on stage

some days we're being handcuffed. It was all turning into a NASCAR track. More like the Gaytona 500. Quiz. But like if you make a joke to to a lot of gen z people if you make a joke at somebody's expense they don't know it's a joke i think they think you're just being

mean i think they meet think you're being a bully but which is crazy because they they can't understand the context and then that gives them car blanche to be evil so like for a generation of people that are like oh that's jokes can't be me you can't use jokes for blah blah but then they have permission to say the most vile shit of all time in the uh pursuit of writing that wrong so it doesn't make sense and then what sucks about that is they're hurting my feelings. Yeah. I don't, I'm a 30 year old man.

I'm getting my feelings hurt reading the things people are sending to me. Well, I'm crying. I was reading them and then I gave myself a gift.

I wrote myself a check. Reality check. And that reality check was that good enough to not make fun of anyone? You little fucking monosyllabic queers. You guys soy into that one? Huh?

You soy into that one? Because yo soy, Ian. Cringe, Ian. Cringe. Ian, that's like cringe. That's cringe. No, but I took a step back and like, I just had to like be present in the moment and go,

I'm in McAllister, Oklahoma. I'm my childhood best friend is here with his wife. He's like driving me around for this like run of gigs. I just sold out the Hollywood improv like I'm doing OK. You got to gas yourself up. This isn't real. What is real is this that and the other. This is just insane.

Buzzing of flies to me when i look at it it always feels like people uh trying to speak for for hundreds of years of existence with with like zero sense of history yeah or like it's just very it's very uh they they they act like they don't have they don't look into anything beyond what they grew up with. 2016 to now. But then they want to tell everybody that's lived beyond. It's like they don't understand that people have lived longer than them. But I can say the same thing about my generation, I guess.

But I don't know. I grew up like Carrie. I didn't want to look like an out-of-touch asshole, so I looked into old shit. Well, that's what a lot of that is. They just read these old theory and this and that, which is like what a lot of that is is like they just read these old theory and this and that which is like all right let's do whatever you want but like it to be honest i don't know much about any of that stuff i've i've couldn't continually vote

for bernie and i write him in like i just you know like i'm at the end of the day if i could build a system it'd be democratic socialism but not what the dsa is in brooklyn where they can't even get through their fucking 10 amendments because they're like privilege i'm gay and those still exist yeah i don't know i don't know but that video is hilarious yeah when they're like stop the hissing it is like it is like a competition to see who's the most retarded person in the world yeah but i will say the funniest part is that that became this huge discourse and dialogue on communism and socialism and people are like learning and sharing books like did i really just start this fucking dialogue that's interesting and you're like you're like bo burnham i am bo burnham yeah because i'm a depressed fucking faggot and um

guys we're joking on the show! The man's gotta breathe. He's gotta come up for air. He's gotta drop an F slur. It's his gills! You don't want me to turn to stone? Don't you want Free Willy

to make the jump? How's he supposed to breathe underwater? Yeah. Uh, so, I fucking... I was reading some of the stuff and I was like, oh, that's a pretty good point. So it did, I was reading some of this stuff and I was like, oh, that's a pretty good point.

So it did. I do. I am open to understanding things in a different way. I wasn't doubling down like, I'm a capitalist. You're a commie. I was just doubling down like, no, I'm funny. You're not. And it like, and then people are like, you're not willing to engage.

And I'm like, I didn't come here to engage because anything i say is going to get piled on no matter what right and you're fucking insane person if you think you can have any sort of good faith conversation on twitter well that's i mean ultimately at the end of the day anybody arguing online it's like the the dust of your life is evaporating and yeah you know we're all just dying. Yeah. Yeah, it's a distraction. We're all dust in the wind. Well, they all act like we can get here. Dust in the wind. Folks, for audio listeners, he's playing his cane.

He's playing the cane. He's doing air guitar with his cane. He's playing the cane. I mean, he's just the mascot of Portland, Oregon right there. Yeah. Just a man playing air guitar in his cane. Aw, little cutie. And then kissing a dog on the lips.

Oh, Gracie fell out of a car yesterday. Oh, we're going to talk about that? What happened? Can we talk about that or no? Gracie fell out of a car. Gracie? Gracie fell out of the car. How?

What happened? I don't want to worry people. She's fine. She's fine. She jumped out of my car. She pushed her wife. While I was driving. She accidentally pressed the window down and she jumped out. And then her fat ass carried jumped out of my car. She pushed her while I was driving. She accidentally pressed the window down and she

jumped out and then her fat ass carried her out of the car. Your company is that bad? Ben was playing the podcast and then she jumped out of the car. She tried to kill herself on La Cienega. Gracie, Gracie, quit barking. Here, I'll rewind it. This part's really funny.

Yeah, she she's so fat. She just sort of fell out of the, you're not the young pup you used to be. And it stopped traffic completely at a very busy intersection, and I had to park and get out and run again. Thank God. Thank God nothing bad happened. Yeah, no, she could have been killed.

She was running in between traffic. People are honking. They're screaming at me. People are judging me. They're no, she could have been killed. She was running in between traffic. People are honking. They're screaming at me. People are judging me. They're like, you should have run, Elise. How could you? Like, scolding me. You're close to Koreatown, so you're worried about that.

Yeah, yeah. Wait, why? Some guy drives by with a big net and just scoops her out. Wait, why would he be worried about that, Jake? Well, you know, she might end up in a little barbecue or something. Why? Is she like ribs? Looks like you're the one in need of a history lesson, Ian.

Actually. Well, I'm here to learn. That's what I'm here for. I have video of her falling out because my car records it. Oh. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I'm just saying. I hope your dog dies. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Are you okay? you okay? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I hope your dog dies. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Are you okay? Did she bite you? I think she just bit me.

I've never seen Gracie bite anybody. Oh, my God. Gracie's like, I'm not- Gracie, relax. I've never seen that happen in my life. Woo! What was happening? I wasn't paying attention.

Gracie's like, enough with the politics talk. Yeah, Gracie turned into Jake Flores. I went to give her, all right, well, I'm going to clap back. I went to give her a kiss and she No. You put her your head right not to victim.

No no no it's not yeah it's nothing you did. That was joy. I'm so sorry. I think it's because I have a cane and I keep tapping it.

Maybe. Oh yeah it might be a sensory thing she thinks you're gonna hit us. She feels a little bad now. Yeah she knows she is so bad.

That would be great for reviews if you get killed by one of the dogs on the podcast. It's a dog fight with Ian versus Gracie. And we would have to quit that for Instagram. That stupid fat bitch fucking bit me. You should have died yesterday, you fucking pig. I will say she's a listener favorite, so they're definitely on her side. They want you to apologize to her right now in the comments section.

Well, give me a second because I'm heated. Let me process. If you pet her ass, she'll really like you. No, she emasculated you in front of everybody. Did she get you? I got got. Are you bleeding? Am I bleeding?

No, you seem fine. Did she get you on the nose? Like an uncle. You look okay. She got your nose. I'm so sorry sorry She bit your face She bit my dog Oh shit

Is it bleeding? Is it? Yeah dude you look like shit No You look fine No you look fine It doesn't look like she did anything She didn't get you

I know she did You just gotta start paying your fair share in taxes It's okay It's our friend It's our friend. It's our friend. Is Gracie a communist? Gracie voted for Karen Bash.

She's a little upset. She heard the homeless jokes at the beginning, Ian. Oh, fuck. You would never bite me, though, because you love me. I hope she fucking bites you. I really do. Get in her face again. See what happens. I've never seen that.

It is funny. Through comedy, you're like an old football player now. You've got really do. Get your face again. See what happens. I've never seen that. It is funny through comedy. You're like an old football player now. You've got a cane. You've got scars. I clearly have CTE. I clearly have had injuries. It's like Raging Bull.

It's insane. You turned into like Herschel Walker. Really? I don't even know what a pronoun is. Yes, I'm not like another bullshit. Right, yeah. You're in a dumpster somewhere. Like, Ian, it's okay. You don't have to shoot yourself

in the heart. The dog fucking bit me. I'm sorry. Do I need a rabies shot? No. No, no. No, you're fine. You sure? No, no. It's just one of your little podcast bits. Hey, everybody.

The sponsor on the show this week is GreekGlassShop.com. GreekGlassShop.com is run by this guy named Augustus, who is just a really big fan of Lemon Party. He reached out to us. He wanted to advertise on the show, help support us. So support him by going to GreekGlassShop.com and buying some of his great products. What they are, it's it's an online tobacco shop and ladies and gentlemen i think wink wink i think we know what i mean when

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My name's Joey. You may know me from such hits as Trying to Break into Danzig's House, Casual Bomb Threat threats, and things of this nature. Unfortunately, I've been diagnosed with inoperable cancer, and I've been told by my doctor that I only have three months to live. My last wish is to have sex with hot women from Instagram. I've used some money that I had pooled up to pay for this announcement. Just contact me on my Instagram if you're a hot chick and you would like to have sex with me as a dying man's last wish. Thank you so much. It's Joey R. LaFleur on Instagram.

Just contact me for sex, and we will work out the details in the DMs. Thank you. Thank you. Don't look at me. She's going back. This fucking thing. Where's the old three-legged fucking soldier well Emma everybody loves Emma Emma's an angel

she's over there minding her business this one's fucking looking for more food because they're a fat sack of shit I wonder if she has CTE from falling out of my moving she might

yeah she might have CTE yeah she thought Ian was her wife dude she's look at her bringing me the ball again we've been having fetch this whole fucking time

and then I go down and go I love you and she fucking yanks at my face. She wants you to throw it to her like Aaron Hernandez. Oh, okay,

here we go. Gracie's rubbing soap on the bottom of her cage so she can hang herself later. She's having sex with other female dogs. I mean,

you'll play fetch with me and then you'll fucking eat my face off? Well, you fucking cunt. Ian's so sensitive, Gracie hurt his feelings by biting him. I mean you'll play fetch with me and then you'll fucking eat my face off well you fucking cunt Ian's so sensitive Gracie hurt his feelings by biting him

now she's looking at me like this yeah she's gonna start mounting you pretty soon you know how much of a good guy I am what I didn't hit her with the cane I could have you could have

at war what the fuck is it hit the dog how much of a good guy I am. What? I didn't hit her with a cane. I could have. You could have. Yeah, you could have. At warrants, at a hit. Go in the buckets and hit the dog. That would be amazing. Leave me alone, Jace. Leave me alone.

We're having to, like, pull you off. Tenderizing the dog. It's a bit. It's a bit. You're beating her like that bar scene

in Goodfellas. You just keep going. We're like, Ian, she's had enough. Gracie is a hazard around comedians that do too many acts. I should have warned you. You should have warned her.

I should have warned her. That was great. She might have CTE, honestly. Yeah, she might. Who knows? She might have to put her down now. She has been not able to walk in a straight line. That is true.

Yeah. That is true. Yeah. That is true. Her ass is so fat that I don't know what's going on with her anymore. Yeah, girl. Well, I don't know. Well, it's probably the clip. Is you getting bit by a dog? That'll be the clip. The clip on Hate Watch was Ian falling out of his fucking chair.

It's always some sort of cartoonish What the fuck? There's so many physical gags What the fuck? Remember you falling out of his fucking chair. It's always some sort of cartoonish. There's so many physical gags. What the fuck? Remember you fell out of that chair? It was like 100 degrees. We did it in the dead of summer. Oh, that's right.

I was sweating through my clothes. I fell out of a chair. This time I got bit. What the fuck's going to happen next time? The clip is just my feet dangling six inches above the ground

swinging back and forth. I hung myself in fucking Ben's closet. Next episode's gonna be like Deer Hunter. We're gonna have you playing Russian Roulette. Ro, you're wearing a red bandana. We're just slapping you. We're going, Dingo!

Dingo! Hey, man. I don't like this game, man. Hey, man, I don't like this game, man. Hey, man, this sucks. Well, I dare you to quote that Giannis guy a third time now after getting bit. Who is the Giannis guy? Giannis Poja from Ghostbusters 2. I didn't even know there was a second one.

I thought there was a lady one. Yeah, I'm a fan of the lady Ghostbusters 2. I didn't even know there was a second one. I thought there was a lady one. Yeah, I'm a fan of the lady Ghostbusters. That's the only one I've seen. That's what I call Ghostbusters 1, is the lady Ghostbusters. I call the original Ghostbusters Ghostbusters 2. So frankly, I have no idea what you're talking about. Yeah, what did they name it? Did they call it Bridesmaids?

What was that movie called? You know what? It was called Bridesmaids again. By the way, I heard something about that Ghostbusters is that no one was hyped for it at all with a, because I think Sony did it, right?

It was Sony, yeah. No one was hyped for it and they like recut the trailer to make it look like it was a girl boss movie and then like people started getting behind it. Sony created like a fake like Twitter campaign like people don't want you to have a lady ghost. Yeah, yeah, stuff like that.

People think a ghost bastard can't have a pussy in this America. And it was like a complete fake, like Tucker, all these places picked it up. Yeah, it's just completely like fake. Fabricated so that people talk about it to go see it. Yeah, exactly. And then everybody falls for it hook, line, and sinker.

You have like Jim Bob's in Texas just being like, I fucking fucking no daughter of mine's gonna bust ghost it's like you're being you're being tricked by just evil people in hollywood oh fuck i dude it was i as a standalone film whatever the lady ghostbusters yeah it was fluff whatever but as a ghostbusters movie and i hated it. Did Leslie Jones get some zingers in there? Dude, it's like... I never saw it. When did it come out?

I don't... 2016. I thought it was hilarious and offensive, honestly, because it was a progressive, all-female Ghostbusters, and then they just made Leslie Jones, like, she, like... Yes! Runs the MTA. Yes!

They were like, here's... Yeah, she works at the Ghost DMV. Slimer, you gonna get back in the motherfucking line. She doesn't take the ectomobile, she waits for the bus to get there. Y'all motherfuckers making me late to bus, ghosts, y'all. She defeats the ghost by saying,

that is not my job. She thinks the Michelin man is made of Crisco. She gets done trapping the ghost. She goes, I guess I understood the assignment. Oh, shit. But yeah, I didn't see that Ghostbusters. Did you see Afterlife? Ghostbusters Afterlife?

What's that one? With the kids? What's that one? I watched it on a plane. It wasn't bad. It was fine. Oh, it's a kid Ghostbusters. Right. Yeah. So Egon's grand kids become like the new Ghostbusters.

It's incredible. It's amazing. Is that Harold Ramis? Yeah. Interesting. But he was dead. They did CGI to bring him back. There's a clip of Bill Murray in the movie standing next to CGI Harold Ramis and he looks like he just wants to put a bullet in his brain. That all these old celebrities are forced to relive,

like, when they used to do coke and fuck whores all day. Yeah, Alicia Silverstone's like, do I have to do this commercial? I have to chew up food and put it in my son's mouth. Remember that? Remember that? Is her kid a bird? She did that.

She did that. Oh, she really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She talked years ago About like chewing up her food And putting it in her son's mouth And like kissing her baby Alicia Silverstone

Is her son like retarded Or something? No Is he a bird? No No she was just He's just the son Of Alicia Silverstone

Yeah Yeah Well I was just thinking A very Harrison Ford interview They do now Where they're making like You know Indiana Jones 9 And they're like like, you know, Indiana Jones 9. And they're like, Harrison, are you excited?

He's like, I want it every day. I wish for death. And me. Yeah, they're all jealous of Bruce Willis. Like, God, please, when will my mind just forget? Because like, well, the drugs rotted his brain. Why am I so damn resilient? Harrison Ford's crashing planes over L.A.

He's like planes over LA. He's crashed three planes. He smokes a gravity bong all day and hopes he'll forget everything. That's why Bruce Willis got dementia. He read the script for The Seventh Sense and goes, I just erase it. Delete my brain. He just smoked opium until he died.

His brainstem went control, alt, delete, just wipe. his brainstem went control alt delete just wipe it's like it's the if he by the way if M. Night Shyamalan wrote the seven cents

he'd be like the whole movie everybody thinks you're dead but you're actually alive that's a twist at the end and it's like a metaphor for like loneliness in the digital age

I just wrote your next shitty movie M. Night Shyamalan shitty you're welcome he'd be like no that's good that sounds better

than anything he's made. Going the first day it opens. It actually kind of does. It does. Every movie of M. Night Shyamalan's now is just like, so they're like aging. Did you watch old?

And then they're old. Did you see that And we all know what happens when you're old. You fucking die. Isn't that sick and twisted? Isn't that sick? But what if they died

as old people on a fucking beach? And it looks like you're not supposed to be old there. What if the village, it's in modern times, but they don't know that? Isn't that fucked up?

Isn't that fucking crazy? Isn't that sick and twisted? Anyway, my name's M. Night Shyamalan. I just realized he just did like the shittiest version of that Boone Well film, Exterminating Angel,

where they're all stuck in the room and they can't leave. I don't know that movie. Well, looks like I've exposed myself as a huge asshole. Everybody. Boone Well. I don't know. Anyway. Boone Well. What is that? Louie told

me to watch it. I've had his ramen. Louie Anderson? Yeah, Louie Anderson. Before he died. I want to watch Exterminating Angel. Hey, it's me. I want you to watch the movie. Also, I'm going to fuck you. Why don't you come over, sit on my lap,

and watch the movie, Ben? Shave off your body hair first. Make some movie matter. My last wish before I die is to fuck life with Louie, the little cartoon me. I love every story about Louie Anderson

is him chasing someone around like he's Pepe Le Pew or something. Like it's a cartoon. He chased me from Vine down to he's like gay Pac-Man. He's just chasing little blue boys around

Sac-Man. Yeah around West Hollywood. Suck my ass man. Speaking of hey Pac-Man speaking of Pac-Man Ghost Ghostbusters folks I'm performing at the Comedy Cellar tomorrow night. We're back. Don't forget your suit Oh man

I should have Looking back I should have defended you On Twitter Oh stop I should have Stepped in the line of fire Fuck it

Who cares I should have responded To every single person Which there were Thousands and thousands So many So many. So many. I see you kind of twisting a knife,

and I don't like that. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. Oh, no, it's cathartic for you. I don't care about those people. I care about this. No, think of me as your therapist. Get it out of here.

Let's relive all your trauma. I see what you're doing. Let's relive all your trauma. So he starts with the dog. I see what you're doing. You fight both Gracie and the. So he starts with the dog. I see what you're doing. You fight both Gracie and Ben. Yeah, really. I'm getting fucking bit in the face by that.

I'm getting dicked down by Ben. What the fuck is happening? Oh, yeah, bitch. Coke zero. I'm going to set your house on fire. I'm moving in a month. Fuck it. Go ahead.

All right. Go ahead. I basically don't live here anymore. It would be great. We end. You're like, that was great. Thanks for having me. And then you walk out of your car and you bazooka right at the house.

RPG my home. I'm like, hey, guys, so good. I mean, yeah, next time I'm making a Molotov cocktail. That cane has a little rice and tip needle at the end of it. You keep hitting me with it. I am going to kill your dog. I am going to beat that thing to death. I am going to stomp it out.

Right. Ian's going to go buy some steak and a piece of glass real quick. Give a little over the fence treat. Here comes some chocolate, retard. Did you think about picking up that big red phone, calling Dave Attell or somebody and be like, hey, can you fucking... Yeah, they're going at it right now.

Dave, I need that one favor. Shut up. Get on him. Say he looks like he fishes at a ball pit. Say I look like a Boy Scout that molested himself. Have you been watching my act? No.

Ian, we love you you guys kind of do look like each other's dads a little bit you look like you look like a dad and son that Freaky Friday'd

but you both have you both have the exact same body we also look like two guys in AA that don't get along right oh yeah

like I have a weird silent vindictive thing like I was like the real alcoholic and you were like I just would have sometimes I'd get too much, you know. I missed the ball game. Ben's the guy goes up and goes,

I almost lost my boating company for 100 employees. Like, I shoved my wife off a boat. I saw her get chopped up at the propellers, man. I'm like, I'm not a loser like you. I reeled it in before. Ben's the guy who's like, sometimes I'd have two, maybe three beers a night. I was out of control. And I'm like, hey, brother, you left beer on the table?

That's alcohol abuse. You're like, I drilled a hole in my head once. I still have to get fucked up. Let me turn the mirror back on myself. I was steaming yesterday because of a guy tweeting at me. Really? Steaming. I get so mad. Do you? I was mad because I went to the Apple store and then they

told me that they didn't have my MacBook that they were supposed to repair. I went in. It's protocol. No, it's protocol. They go, we don't know where your laptop is. Oh, that's frustrating. Yeah, I tweeted a joke about it. I tried to make it funny even though I was pissed because everybody the Apple geniuses in there are wearing crocodile dundee hats.

What? That's crazy shit. Right. What? That's awful. What? Why? Like man boobs, and then they just have a big-

Is that a day? Was it a day for them? Yeah, was it a specific day? No, just like they all have a different, like one has like a pirate hat. Oh, they're letting them do shit now because of this fucking country we live in. They're fucking, it's like you go to the starbucks reserve yeah go to paloma there's a different starbucks now called a reserve where it's like the starbucks that like went to like art school and they let they let everyone wear different silly hats you get to wear your identity we used to be a country

exactly and get back to work yeah Take off your hat and be a drone. Turn on the app and start picking people up. The guy with the Crocodile Dundee hat, he turned and he was like, he goes, when's the last time you reset this video card here? I was like, I don't know what that is. He goes, you use this computer a lot? I'm like, I don't know what that, I don't know what that is. He goes, you use this computer a lot? I'm like,

yeah, it's my job. Like, it's my job to have a computer. He's like, yeah, okay. And he just started like,

making these little like, inside jokes to the guy. He's like, you want to control all this? And he goes, let me know in three to eight weeks when it resets. And the other guy was like,

like, nervously laughing because it's clearly like his manager. Cause there's like lead geniuses. Someone's messaged me about this. Cause I was so mad about it. There's like lead geniuses. And then there's like lower,

you know, a trader Joe's how it goes. There's the sailor and the skipper. Ian knows about that. Ian seems like a trader Joe's captain gone rogue. What did I do? I don't know. You just have a,

if you have a, leave him alone. I'm listening intently to this pedophile story. We're fucking shitting on each other or something. And that's not even his fault. Have you seen Paul Provenza's Green Room? God damn it. Remember when Patrice said that thing to Bob Saget?

Oh, and then Bob Saget said... Oh, Ian. Oh, come on. Oh, Ian. Bip, bip, bip, bip, Ian. Oh, come on. Oh, Ian. Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip. Oh, that's so sad. I did Bob Saget. He was tackled, right?

By a bed frame. He was hit in the chest. He fell down a flight of stairs and went through a window and out a building. Yeah. Rest in peace. I love Bob Saget.

Actually, I never cared about his comedy much, but he was a cool figure and I liked him. The fact that he's dead, I don't wish that that happened. I don't wish that on anybody. He didn't specifically

like Bob Saget. He shouldn't have got the vaccine. We all know that. But we all know he chose. He made a choice. That's what we all know. You take the waxing

vaccine. You get what you get. The vaccine took Norm. It took Bob Saget. Killed a lot of people. Hank Aaron. It was funny. Alan Shane.

Alan Shane, yeah. Hank Aaron did die like five days after getting the vaccine, which is pretty weird. I'm not like an anti-vax guy. Well, I hope not for YouTube. For YouTube, let YouTube know. I'm taking a vaccine right now um jace got the fifth booster yeah i have like the diabetes patch that constantly

insulin no no no no um but jace can't even find a vein he's been vaccinated so many times yeah i'm going in the bathroom i'm tying one off just to shoot pf. I'm like Ray Charles. Right in your fucking neck. Between my toes. Right in the webbing. But Hank Aaron got vaccinated specifically to prove to black Americans that the vaccine was safe and then five days later he died. Oh my god. Which is a

very funny coincidence. That's amazing. That rocks so fast. I know it was really funny. Anybody that went out you you got to get... They immediately fell. They fainted. They're like, I'll show you. And then their head just exploded.

No. They would die like Million Dollar Baby. Where they fall in slow motion while people are taking their picture. Right. He hit their head on the side. He fell onto a bat and broke his spine. It's amazing. They're like, can't go to shoot through his own tongue.

He lived through white people in the 50s and the vaccine killed him. It is kind of amazing. White people got him seven years later. They got him eventually. We'll get you. Now or tomorrow, we're going to get you. We'll give your heart a home run.

Just a seven-year-old Dr. Fauci in 1972. Seeing him break Hank Aaron's record. He's like, he'll pay for that one day. For the sake of the channel, Ben, what happened at the Genius? We're all pro. We all have the Fauci ouchie. Anyway, we've all gotten it. We love it.

Fauci ouchie. It's good stuff. Oh, wait. Go on. What were you saying? Loved the Colbert vaccine dance. Yeah. We did, too.

And that's why we all connect. Yeah. It was good. It was good. A vaccine shimmy. Yeah. Love it. Love it.

Good. Not at all indicative of us collapsing. It's not indicative of a CIA-controlled media. No, not at all not at all no not just shill shilling and fucking the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life

Stephen Gobert used to have values watching a hero of mine be like hollowed raw and then stuffed with cotton surely one of the voices of an uprising subculture and now he just does things for a check no no no also he's not even there when stand-ups do their act for his show

Ian please and one time I saw someone use him as a joke as if he were there and it was the worst thing I've ever seen oh wow

he's really not there he's not there for tapings he's not there for tapings yeah they fake that he throws to people and then they film it

like way they film it out of the country and dude Stephen Colbert's like I don't want comedians even near me I don't want them in this stand Colbert's like excuse me I gotta go read Lord of the country. And dude. Stephen Colbert is like, I don't want comedians even near me. I don't want them in this stand.

Colbert is like, excuse me, I got to go read Lord of the Rings and talk about it. Dude. I have to go listen to Neutral Milk Hotel. Excuse me. I'll be right,

the Avery Island. I've got to go talk about my family dying in another interview. And pretend I was never funny once in my life. I was there for a taping and this comic went out and she goes, thanks, Stephen. And also, thanks for pronouncing my name correctly.

You know, and I was like, oh, no. Oh, God. And he's not there. Not there. He's just getting vaccinated. He's standing in line to get vaccinated. He's a CVS. He's at the backstage

looking like Hellraiser he's in the rafter like staying about to come down anyway you're at the Apple bar yeah oh yeah

so then they tell me they call my wife my wife calls because she kind of handles all my affairs she's very on top of it. Yeah. Because I had to get the computer.

I'm running. I'm recording on this piece of shit. This is a $3,000 piece of machinery I can't use because this goes through my MacBook. He's pointing to his cock. I can't use it. Dude, nice. Nice. Fuck yeah, dude.

Nice, dude. Fuck yeah. Dude, Ian rules again. It is weird because I said it was $3,000, which is dude. Fuck yeah, dude. Nice, dude. Fuck yeah. Ian rules again. It is weird because I said it was $3,000, which is kind of a lot of money. It's kind of a compliment. He's saying, yeah. You got a nice piece of equipment. You got a nice piece.

It just sucks you can't use it. So I go there. He got a dick install that doesn't work. He's like, give me the biggest one you got. What are you, female to male? You got a lemon. You got a lemon. you got female to male you got a lemon you got a lemon you got a lemon so i'm there because i'm like oh you my wife called and you said to come pick up the computer and they go we have no record of like your lap we have no idea

where it is we have no idea what's going on oh my god uh they finally emailed me today that it got to a factory so it's going to take them like two weeks to give me my computer back. Luckily, we recorded a Patreon last week. But we're recording this. You don't sound as good as usual. The listeners will notice. We put a lot of care. But anyways, regardless.

We're recording it on a recorder I bought last year when I was about to kill myself. I was literally like, I can kill myself or I can spend $600 and try to start a podcast that no one will listen to. So I bought that. That's the origin story of WTF, by the way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I was just in the garage with my cats, man.

And I go, man, I got a lot of problems with people, man. Are we cool? Yeah, me talking to a cat, being like, are we all right? Are we good? That's me in my apartment. That is me. That's me in my apartment. That is me. That's me with my cat.

I like your cat. You're an East Coast Marin. I love him. Thank you. You have two cats, right? Samson and DeLisle? Nah, the old ex-wife took the other one, brother. Sorry about that.

You know what I mean? Sorry about that. Hey, it's all right. Reconciliation's on the horizon. You know what I mean? You get to see him on the weekends? Yeah. Do you exchange him in a Burger King parking lot. We legitimately talked about separating and having custody days.

Over cats. I'm almost 40. You taking your cat to play fetch in the park. But it's supervised. Some guy's wearing my comedy suit. He's like, hey, hey. You're hugging too long. Yeah, they go to take the cat back.

You're like, that was 58 minutes, man. I timed that shit. They go, Mr. Finance, please. I dress up like an old English woman to clean her apartment just so I can be with the cat. Oh, you're doing like a Miss Doubtfire thing? Uh-huh. I like that. Hello.

Hello. You don't have the money or the experience for makeup so it looks like shit. Hello, Mr. Kitty. Your nose falls off. You still have the mustache. Hello! My name's Mrs. Ian Fire. Hello!

Ian just starts doing a Robin Williams impression. He's not even doing Mr. Fire anymore. Oh, hello. What if I was a black guy? Hey, it's me, Ian. You never had a friend like me. Bum-ba-da-bum-ba-da-bum-bum-ba-da. My name's Jack. I'm a child that's dying.

Oh, my God, Ian. Ian sets his breasts on fire, but he just goes fully aflame. He's running through the house. Mrs. Ian fires. He fires. Easy, you're going to throw another vertebrae out. through the house. Mrs. Ian fires. Easy. You're going to throw another vertebrae out. Oh, hello.

You go. Oh, Ian. You go to put your face in the cake because you're not wearing your makeup, but it's chocolate and you come up in perfect blackface. Yeah, there we go. There we go. Yeah, yeah. And you go, oh, hello.

He attacks Harvey Fierstein with a cane. He hate crimes him. Is that his name, Harvey Fierstein? He goes, oh, my God, Ian, you look like shit. Oh, my God. Yeah, great move. Oh, my God, you got dragged on Twitter so hard. I mean, even the biggest retards in the world

were dunking on your ass, Ian. I know, I know, I know. It was just like you said. Oh, no, I think that's the... Brandon, he's got one over on me. That's the plot of the movie. I'll get mine, kids. Yeah, you're turning into Jimmy Durante.

You're an old prospector I think that's the plot Of the movies You get owned so bad On Twitter You have to do A Juana man And come back

As a female comedian Yeah you have to do Like white girls But for comedy Basically Hi guys My pussy Well then your career

Takes off What's it called White chicks White chicks Yeah yeah yeah Yeah you know hi guys my pussy well then your career takes off what's it called white chicks yeah you know I saw that and I was like huh they can't make that movie today by the way you know what's funny you know how the trope is black comics in like the 90s early 2000s

they always had to like put on a fat suit like they should have done that with white chicks where they play fat white girls they put on a white suit and they're white so they can try to put on a fat suit. They should have done that with white chicks where they play fat white girls. They put on a white suit and they're white. Why? So they can try to have sex with themselves? Woo! Hell yeah.

You beat me to it, brother. Yeah. Yeah. Easy, easy. Gracie might pop up. Fuck you. I mean, no one's ever looked like they're faking a back injury more than you.

Dude, I... The amount you move. I know. I know. Well, no. I mean, no one's ever looked like they're faking a back injury more. Dude, I... It's the amount you move. I know. I know. Well, no, it's... I mean, right now... You're one of those Twitch streamers in a wheelchair who gets up at the end of the video, forgets to turn it off.

Gotta let the cops in. Next podcast, Ian comes in in the Walt Jr. braces from Breaking Bad. He's talking like Walt Jr.? You're the fuck I got Earned on Twitter Open the door It's Grinky now I'm scared Can we have breakfast

After the podcast Ian killed Uncle Jake? It's bullshit. Oh my God. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit.

It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. This is really, in three years, the podcast will just be For an hour it's going Yeah we're all just playing patty cake On the floor like covering our own shit

But we're like dude that's punk rock comedy Yeah we're just Cosplaying as babies We've boiled it down to the basics. And it's going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, cellar. I got polio, man. You're going to get like typhoid fever. You're going to get insane shit. I have a mobile CPAP mask on. You're in the Wild Wild West machine with the big spider. You've got no lower body.

You have that disease that guy had in Thinner. You just turn into a lizard. You have some weird, you're like scurvy. You have that disease that guy had in Thinner. You just turn into a lizard. You have some weird... You're like scurvy. You have pirate sickness. Oh, no. Did you get that thing where people turn into tree bark all over their body? Oh, that weirds me out. Yeah.

Oh, that stuff's gross. The warts everywhere. What is that, by the way? What is that when you turn into a tree? I think they're just living in Africa or something. One random person turns into a tree because it sucks so much to live there. Yeah,

they got bit by the wrong mosquito. It's just one of those. There's stuff in the water in India where people, like, they look like Krishna. Yeah, yeah. They're blue

and they have nine hands. Yeah. Have you ever looked at, like, have you ever seen a person who looks... No, I'm too busy reading theory. Sometimes you see someone

on TikTok, their head is a Rubik's Cube. Right. Or you can just, like, and they're always in India. No, there's on TikTok, their head is a Rubik's cube. Or you can just like, and they're always in India. There's like wolf people and stuff out there. Like on TikTok. Yeah.

There's babies. They're like urban legends. Sometimes my Instagram explore page is just a baby with a head the size of this room. And it's like, what is happening? I screenshotted it today because I didn't want to forget it. Why does this exist?

Ben loves that guy. Why are these creeps and freaks all over my- We made a sketch about that kid. We're having him on the podcast, that kid. He's like famous. Look, I literally, I'll show you right now. I screenshotted this baby. Is this the one you're talking about?

Hold on. Let me find it. Oh, this baby right here. Is that the baby? Is that him? I'll put it on the screen for all you freaks. That's so sad. Yeah, but they live streamed that baby with the really...

Jace, this isn't the one with the really big head. This is the one with like... You're like, I know you're thinking big head. Go bigger. No, that's the one who's... It's a 40-year-old guy and his head's super flat. And they just pick him up like a trophy fish, and they show him to people and then put him back down.

Yeah, yeah. This guy goes live on TikTok all the time. Oh, my God, dude. You did the voices. Why are you showing Jace a baby picture of himself? Gracie? Yeah, I just go, Gracie. Gracie Yeah I just go Gracie Go

Gracie It's the once upon a time In Hollywood Where you just click your tongue Like the Brad Pitt thing We blow Into blow torching Ian in the fucking

In the fucking backyard I'm on fire Be an Ian Patreon With Jordan Subscribe That's a That's a great way

To outro the episode. Unless you want to do longer. Be an Ian. No, you just plugged everything. It was a perfect wrap-up. Be an Ian with Jordan. We're at hour 15 if you want to do longer. I mean, or you can go to get food, too, if you want.

Yeah, we're going to do a big dinner after this. Food sounds cool. I do want to plug this as you fart. That kind of rolls. You're all all gonna give us pink guy we're like a knocked up we got pink guy cuz he didn't

sprayed calm all over the microphone fuck man that's the one that went over the line nobody's ever made that joke about me man oh man it should be illegal to give somebody as cartoonish as you a cane

it's too much yeah cause you move like the honeycomb guy you already are a cartoon character now they give you a cane I know what's next the squeaky nose yeah the doctor's just giving you a fucking bow tie that's worth constantly

shocking people with a handshake hey shake my hand hey damn glad to meet you hey you know there's a real buzz around me it is weird we've grafted an umbrella to the top of your head if you believe in like multiple worlds theory there is

a there is a split off where you go the direct you're totally a ventriloquist act you're totally you have a guy with a weird fucked up puppet and you talk to it oh that'll be my third and in like one of like an infinite amount of worlds that world definitely exists yeah you should start stealing from jeff donovan but go like way more racist with the puppets. Yeah, yeah. And sell out twice the arenas. You just sell out states when you stand in the middle of it and everybody faces you.

You tour as Jeff Dunham with them. There we go. You pull out the jalapeno on a stick and you just blow its words out. On stage you go, they're coming into our country. Yeah, just you selling, Ian's selling out whole walmart's at a time you know he performs at the top of the walmart and everybody's just looking at him he's performing for the wall family oh fuck ian got an incredible and that i saw that

louis louis talked about you really oh yeah that was cool that Louie said that. Louie Anderson talked about you? Louie Anderson again. He put me on his lap. What did Louie say about you? Yeah, that was cool. Louie Black. That's what I call him. I don't call him Louis Black.

Go on, Ian. Louie Black. Louie said he was like a capitalist pig. I can't leave that. The thing about Ian, dogs hate him. capitalist pig. Can't leave that for the dog. The thing about Ian that dogs hate him. My daughters hate Ian.

But they're assholes. Yeah. My daughters think Ian's a cunt. I'm Louie. No, that was really cool. I kept getting calls and text messages

like, dude, did you hear? Oh my God. And I'm like, did somebody die? Like I thought something terrible happened and Louie mentioned me in her podcast and'm like, did somebody die? I thought something terrible happened. And Louie mentioned me in her podcast.

I was like, I love him. I want to see him in a movie. And he said he liked my comedic voice, which is like really cool. That's awesome. That was fucking cool. That rules.

That's awesome. That's amazing. That's so cool, dude. It's a shame he's a sexual abuse. It's a shame he's actually a hack. And I've never found him funny. And that's the clip and we're only going to show you I will take a million dog bites over that

no but thanks for coming on we're sorry the dog attacked you I love you Ian I love you thank you guys this was so fun and plug your thing and let everybody know because you do a very funny show with Jordan Jensen. Yes.

She's the best. She's great. B&E with Jordan. Patreon.com slash B&E and pod. It's out every Wednesday on YouTube. And you're a funny touring act, too. I've seen you live at the Comedy Cellar. I went down.

You're very funny. Oh, thank you, Chase. I appreciate that. Are you being sarcastic? No. Oh, we were there that night right no i literally i went i slept on your podcast that we talked till five in the morning i went to the comedy so i had a whole night with you yeah sorry it's the night you threw your back out

uh yeah thank you yeah ianfinance.com dude i'm fucking on the road until june i'm so excited every weekend i'm headlining. I'm having a blast. People are coming out. I sold out the Hollywood Improv. At the end I got a standing ovation and we did a sing-along. That's awesome. It's one of my favorite songs. What did you sing? Mystery by Turnstile.

I don't know. I don't know. I feel like you're into like fish taco music. What? Isn't like ska like fish taco? Like you go get a fish taco and you listen to it? No. Yeah, you had a dry taco.

I thought it was. No, it's not what I listen to. It's what I like to eat. I love pussy, everybody. Pussy, Chase. Pussy. You're a maniac. You're insane.

You hit me in my ACL. All right, I got the fish taco joke back. Jesus Christ. Sorry, sorry, sorry. We'll, I got the fish taco joke back. Jesus Christ. Sorry, sorry, sorry. We'll get you dinner after this. Just hit the dog. Oh, look at her with her little arms crossed. She sits all regally.

Oh, look at her try to- It's beautiful. I forgive you. And she has googly eyes. You guys have to make up. She can't help it. She's a retard. Yeah, I get it.

I mean, look at her. She just got- She flew out of a car. Aw, baby. you guys have to make up she can't help but she's a retard yeah i get it look at her she's she just got she flew out of a car she flew out of a car no no look at her i just activated her oh here we go all right all right all right i dare you to bend down to kiss her she'll she'll bite you well you can't you can't just like lunge at her i'm not trying to victim blame me no no she's a very... She gets scared easily. No, no. That's just something you should probably tell people

when they come into your home. But, you know. But instead you have a doormat that says, I hope you like dogs. Where's the warning? I hope you like your face. Don't fucking move it towards my dog. I should let everybody know,

like, hey, when you're around Gracie, don't go... Hey! Hey, hey, hey, when you're around Gracie, don't go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry,

we've never had anybody do crowd work at the dog, so we didn't know that would happen. What are you here alone tonight? All right, all right, all right,

now she's near my crotch. You're doing crowd work to the dog. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Yeah.

Okay, well, Ian, thank you so much, buddy. Thank you, Well Ian Thank you so much buddy Thank you guys Coming on We love you a lot Love you guys Let's get some food Yes

I gotta pee Thank you This was so fun You guys are the fucking best Thanks buddy Thanks Love you Hey