lemonparty - 019: Carlton Class Warfare

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

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I Think they get I think they get anxious when you guys are moving Yeah, Ben was doing a lot of dancing earlier. Right. Okay, come on. Come on. Well, imagine you lived here and just randomly somebody started moving shit out of the... And you have no idea what's going to happen.

You're like, are we being killed? Hey! Hey! Oh! Oh! It's time to start the show. Here we go Some good old fashioned visor soy face

All types of soy face We're going with the visor Okay alright Wow She's so angry I love you so much, Emma. I saw her. Her fangs come out.

That was crazy. She does that, but she doesn't. She only does that at the Museum of Tolerance. Emma, it's okay. These dogs are really embarrassing themselves on the podcast. Is this how the whole show ends? Like some Lord of the Flies moment? Where Emma kills everybody?

Yeah, where we're just being eaten alive by dogs on a live stream? Yeah, Emma pushes a big rock under your head like Piggy. Just explodes. Oh, man. That'd be a glorious death. To be killed by your dogs. Yeah, specifically pushing a giant boulder on top of your head.

Yeah, like it's an elaborate scheme. They somehow developed opposable thoughts. Oh, no. Okay, we're rolling here now. Okay. All right, great. No, we were rolling, though. We're good.

They got the soy face, right? Yeah. I have two recordings going, folks. It's very complicated. Worst case scenario scenario we put the soy face in in post yeah we'll add it in post we'll add it in post oh man i was at a uh where were you at today what happened today i want to tell you guys about something that happened yesterday i was i went to a uh you guys know i don't like really leave the house anymore

sure but i've been moving stuff from here to the new place so uh i i had to eat at like a bar and grill like a corporate bar and grill yeah like a like a no just like a bar and grill that like have you ever ate at a place and you you go you're like biting into like a mozzarella stick or a burger and you're looking around and you realize that the place has like six months left yeah yeah and everyone working there kind of knows that like the managers called them in they're like the owner says we're not making any money no one's coming in yeah i love that you buy it into your burger there's like a suicide note in it yeah yeah yeah uh and uh the tvs are playing sports which everybody's super into at the Bar and Grill. Sure.

But one of the TVs was playing, which I didn't know was still on, America's Funniest Home Videos. What? Do you guys know it's still on? Yeah, I assumed Rob Dyrdek killed everyone at that program. Like, he went in with a gun and slaughtered. Does Dyrdek do it now? I thought, I don't, that guy I thought was on. Ridiculous.

I assumed ridiculousness just stomped out all, like he's the cartel. They just became. Right. Like he hired a little kid like Breaking Bad to just shoot the guy from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Oh, so that guy is hosting it now. Yeah. What's his name?

Carlton guy. Yeah. What's Carlton's name? I don't know. Devin Hollywood, Big Mr. Hollywood. I don't know. It's like, it's a three, he's three names. It it's one of those three it's like Ruben Stefan or something like Ruben stuttered so uh yeah Stefan Molyneux comes out and he's hosting America's Funniest Home

Videos and everyone who is sitting at like these high cocktail tables in these like girls are wearing like these dresses with like the spaghetti strap strings and it's it's women that want to be actresses and this so this is how the the it works for all these shows you make 60 cash or about 80 cash to show up to these tapings you show up in the morning and they bus you from like you park in a whole foods and then they bus you to the thing and then you watch Steve Harvey give a sermon. Yeah. Like he keeps you late for like five hours

and he's just preaching about like Ecclesiastes and Joe and whatnot. And the audience is people one step away from like homelessness. Yeah. One step away and they're doing this and they're like, Steve, can you get off stage? I need to go sell plasma.

Yeah. And it closes soon. I got to get to. People signing up to go be in a studio audience for the shelter. Right. Yeah, just for that AC. They're just praying that real time with Bill Maher lasts 24 hours. Yeah, they keep asking Bill questions.

Open it up to the crowd. Bill, Bill, tell us about God. Is God real? They're setting up pillows to the crowd. Bill, Bill, tell us about God. Is God real? They're setting up pillows in the studio. Yes, they're just shoving bagels into the giant overcoat. Yeah, people are stealing chairs. Oh, I knew a guy who used to, he was like a poor comic in New York, and he would go to Steve Wilko's tapings.

Who's that guy again? He was the bouncer on Jerry Springer, and he fought trailer trash whores so well that they're like let's just give steve his own show oh so he was like the daily show he was like the steve carell of the daily show but yeah jerry springer yeah he looked like stone cold if he had an actual drinking problem he's like if they gave like a bailiff a show yeah exactly yeah oh and wow so you got 16 seasons of this show. Oh, it's still going, I think. He looks like a used

car. Yeah, that's all Highway Mile. He's a tattoo of a sticker price on his ass. Dude, he looks like Shoenice's dad. Yeah, he does, dude. That guy who you see like tins of tobacco and soap and shit.

Man, his head is like a perfect egg shape yeah it's a perfect like humpty dumpty type of dude it's like his head's made out of tungsten or something it's like a perfect sphere you know how with dog costumes how like it's always the head and then that's part of like the dog halloween costume where like there's arms coming out like if he i don't know if this makes sense to anybody but if you put like an arm here and a leg here and like he'd be humpty dumpty from the fairy tale he's like a mother goose type of yeah he does look like he could have like a foot sticking out of his head yeah you figure out his like the roots of his teeth go into his brain i'm just gonna leave him up for a while you leave him up i like him him. The guy from Happy Gilmore with the nail on his head.

He gets the scleras of his eyes. He gets them bleached white, it looks like, in a place. Yeah, because they can't be too black. He even bleaches his eyes. Yeah, he goes to the doctor. He's like, you got to get rid of these pupils, man. He goes, those are technically holes. That's why they're black

he goes can you just fill them up like he maybe spray some cock in them or something when he gets recognized people go joe rogan yeah he goes no and then they go uh who's the other guy from ufc what's his name um dana dana white anyway god i wish i knew his name i wish i knew you got some time you should start watching some. I know. You need to put the typewriter down. Pick up Wikipedia. For a second, put the typewriter down.

Just like figure out who any guy is. The Ying Yang twins are not Asian. I listened to that last week and it pissed me off. Okay, hold on. Here's the thing. So the patron, I thought that Ying Yang twins were two Asian gentlemen. Right. But a lot of the comments said

that they thought they were Asian wiggers also. If that's a term, I guess. Yeah. Well, everybody on our Patreon is also racist. So that's not a good argument. You're like, David Duke thought they were Asian. That is, that's not the most racist thing I thought. For like three years i thought the

uh the guy in charlottesville that drove over uh helena hutchins yeah i thought that was an asian person right we've talked about this yeah and he doesn't even like look asian i didn't i didn't bother looking into it you just i got an asian guy you just heard a guy who drove over some people like Like crazily. I'm using that Asian mansion. You're passing a wreck on the highway. You go, two Asian guys in that car. I'm past people that just read

the headlines and stuff and then assume. I don't even read the headlines. I just see a picture and I go, an Asian guy's inside that car. At that Nazi rally. You heard about it. You go, yeah, that's why you don't drift you you know that riddle where it's like a doctor and their son get in a car wreck and the son goes to the hot dad the doctor dies on uh the doctor dies on impact the son goes to the hospital and then the the doctor walks a doctor walks in to operate on the son they go i can't operate on this i'm uh they're my son how is that possible and the answer

is just that they're a woman oh yeah yeah but you're like oh your answer to the riddle is like they were asian because he got in a car i'm like the answer to the riddle is the mother is asian right and they're like well they could be but answer is, it's more about female bias. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, what if the mother who's an Asian doctor, then that means

the husband was a white guy? But then how did he get in a wreck because he has to be Chinese too? Right. You're like, everyone has to be Chinese. You're like, the mom and the dad are Asian

and they are the yin yang twins. Okay, so let me get this, let me get this straight. The dad was pulling the son along in a rickshaw or something like that where was this what's going on yeah you've gone blind oh so uh before i forget about the america's funniest home videos oh can i before i forget we did a couple segues off my friend please every two weeks he made he he did sell like common plasma that was how he made a living sure and every two weeks he made he he did sell like common plasma that was how he

made a living sure and every two weeks he would go to steve wilko show with like a matrix trench coat and he would they i think they banned him from going because he stole so many bagels that like steve was like hey fucking guy stole 20 bagels it was cutting into the budget yeah i don't think like fred him on the way out. It's a weird tax loophole because they just give you an envelope with three $20 bills in it and change or whatever is your day rate for that. I don't know how they can legally pay people like that. That's kind of a thing in the US tax.

If your life sucks enough, you don't have to pay taxes. Yeah, because someone just hands you an envelope with $5 in it. Yeah. If your income is supplemented by gifts from your your uncle then you don't have to pay taxes right right if you're factoring in paying rent based on the gift cards you're going to receive for your birthday that month yeah if you open a card from your mom and you shake it in order to eat that night yeah you don't have to pay taxes congrats you've you've you've scammed the system i told i told last time i saw my uncle our uncle art i told him i go you sent sent me and jay's 20 for our

birthday every year and that got me through like so and he was like jesus christ he's like how bad were things in la for a while i was like they're pretty bad. Yeah. Oh, I remember. He's like $20. Yeah, I remember a couple of years on my birthday being like, oh, I hope. Grandma, come on. Grandma. Come on. Sending a couple nice texts to everybody in your family. Give me 200 bucks. Come on.

One time. I used to work in my uncle Stan's yard for like eight hours and he'd write me a check for like $38. He'd literally write a check. He'd calculate it. He'd calculate it and then he'd hit me up a few days later and be like, you haven't deposited it yet. He goes, I need to deposit it for my taxes.

He writes it off on his taxes. Slave labor. It's just Stan, just like old timey calculator, being like, all right, 32 hours times $3 an hour. All right, that equals $38. Oh, the thing where you do that? He has a big green visor. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. He's like, you better deposit that, cocksucker. I could see him calculating everything on one of those thermal typewriters where it's the long, thin thermal paper. Yeah. That only racist people use.

Let me tell you. Let me tell you. What? You're right. He literally does. Yeah, he had it on an old-timey... The thing where you have to buy a big roll of... Buys a big roll of...

Toilet paper. Yeah. You put toilet paper in it, an old timey. The thing where you have to buy a big roll of toilet paper. You put toilet paper in it and you be racist. His whole dining room table is just a pyramid of those types of bills. Because he charges everybody for everything. He'll pick up a homeless guy and be like, I'll give you some work. I'll give you some food. You can have some cottage cheese, some peaches. He treats people like he's Tom Joad.

Like it's holes. He saw holes. He's like, that's what I'll do. That's what I'll do. That's what I'll do. I'll give him an onion. He can have a full onion and a bottle of relish. Here's a mason jar of peach sugar. No, he's paying people with sweet and low.

He's like, here's four sweet and low packets for you. He's like, I'll make a deal. You can eat all the bugs you find in the garden. Have you seen The Lion King Have that And then the guy finds a big bug He goes oh no no no Not that guy Not that one

He goes by the way my cat's sick He's yours You can roast him Now if you find a dead bird That's mine Hands off Hands off any dead birds in the backyard Yeah also living in like the most beautiful place

i've ever seen absolutely gorgeous and it's just full of people that for some reason never bludgeon him to death and take everything because he'll he will just pick up like random people to help him he just uses like you know poor people doesn't he have like evil cats that guard his uh yeah mansion though he has like a really discuss all his animals are all fucked up they all have some weird ailment like one of his dogs i can't i if i hand stan like his laptop too quickly the dog like freaks out and then stan goes david you know he was beaten with laptops and i'm like i guess the chuck mc. Yeah, the dog is afraid to go outside. You know my dog hates electromagnetic fields. The dog is covered in like an aluminum foil blanket.

Yeah, Devin, take the battery out of that phone before you go around my dog, you cocksucker. You know Rusty's allergic to electricity. Devin, you know Rusty has ALS. They're all named after old Hollywood actresses. Like one dog's Bridget after Bridget Bardot. Oh, sure. And they're all named after old Hollywood actresses. One dog's Bridget after Bridget Bardot. They're all fucked up.

He has a cat that's actually suicidal. The cat hates its life and wants to die. I took care of it five or six years ago and it legitimately tried to jump off his roof. I was there. You were there. I was there. We were watching UFC or something and then we were all like, hey, look at the cat. It just freaked out. You know how cats go crazy in the middle of the night? Just out of nowhere let's get a bunch of energy

and they start running around it's like they can see ghosts in the witching hour and it's very weird so this cat just went insane in the middle of the night jason are just watching tv and it he it's a it's like a duplex and it ran up the spiral staircase and then it like it just freaked out and fell off and we were watching it just like scratch and crawl, like trying to hang on. Yeah. Like an action movie. Like Mission Impossible. Yeah.

It's just climbing. And then all of us were like, Devin, what are you going to do? Like it could die. And I go, I don't fucking know. And then it just fell and hit the table, broke the table, everything. Right. That's how you know it wanted to die because it didn't land on its feet. Yeah.

It like landed on its like neck, like folded. Exactly. It had a gun in its hand. It was. Did your uncle, I could see him putting it in one of those like Sam Hyde neck braces like one of those what are those called uh yeah yeah I know what you mean yeah no I never told him about

it cause he would have killed me oh sure he would have said like I was the reason that it tried to that it hurt itself you didn't give him enough love and then he threw himself off the damn house he used to have me stay over at his place while he would go to New York for a week. And he'd call me New York time, 8 a.m. He'd call me at 5 a.m. over and over again until I woke up just to ask me.

He goes, how are the animals? Oh, man. 5 a.m. What is he doing in another city? He goes to New York and he goes to plays and shit. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, he goes to New York to yell at a new set of people in a different city. He goes, I heard they have new

people to torture. Out east. Out east, there's new people I could torture. I wonder what Broadway plays he really goes to. Does he go to Phantom of the Opera? Yeah, he's like, you bunch of faggots! Fuck her!

Fuck her, you gay maniac! Does he go nuts and heckle Broadway plays? No, but he goes and he looks over at you after every line, and he goes, how's that? Oh, interesting. Like, anything they say, he elbows you, and he goes, how? He goes, you see that? And I go, yes, I'm watching the fucking play.

Yes, I see it. I saw him. elbows you and he goes ha he goes you see that and i go yes i'm watching the fucking play yes i see it he's i saw him he we went to a movie one time like 10 years ago and he took his shoes off at the movie and he put his disgusting diabetes riddled feet next to this guy's head i'm not kidding his toenails are like nosferatu level like you could kill somebody they're freedos and the guy wanted to start a he got really angry we had to like escort him out it looks intentional if you put your foot on a person and he's gay

and then he just calls everyone a faggot I know he goes oh really faggot no that's why I let it fly he uses it very willingly he uses it like a rapper uses the n-word all he does is say the F word. Faggot, I mean. Of course.

Of course. I don't know why I censored myself for a second. As you all know, we mean faggot. You're confused. It's like Infinite Jest where we have footnotes, and you flip back. It says F, the F word. You flip back 800 pages, and it says faggot,

and then you keep reading, and it says the F word f word you flip back 800 pages and it's just this faggot and then you keep reading and it says the f word again you keep you flip back it's just all the footnotes just say faggot yeah your book you would write a book and then have a footnote and you have to flip all the way or an end note you have to flip all the way the back it just says fuck you and you just go back fuck you retard you thought there was more information here? There's not. There's not. There's not, actually.

So eat shit. I was watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Right, at the bar. At a terrible bar and grill. And you were eating a mozzarella stick, apparently like a burger. That's how you were acting it out earlier. You know, you're just eating a mozzarella stick

with both hands. I picked them up. You know how in the cone heads how they smoke a whole pack of cigarettes at once sure that's how i eat mozzarella sticks right i have them all like this and then take one big bite of them yeah yeah like your kobayashi yeah you're dipping them in water throwing them down yeah yeah yeah i'm i'm the uh the the uh that would that is a strange autist to be where i have to make a food competition out of going out to eat. I'm dipping everything in it.

I'm like, can you bring me three glasses of water and a headband? I'd like to order 55 hot dogs, nine glasses of water. And the hot dogs bring out a plate of just the wieners and then a plate of the buns. Because I eat those separately. They go, the lemon party guys's here. Get the helmet. They ring a gong. It just says, gay! I know you're Filipino, but just bow to him.

He'll tip you more. Just pretend you're a geisha. When the lemon party comes, there's this bucket in the back. That's for him. Put him under the bucket. He's not good at the fast eating he just keeps throwing up like he's not he doesn't practice it he comes to vomit i eat one hot dog and vomit but you do the vomit where you don't bend over you just you do the vomit where you're just up

the whole time and it doesn't come out it just kind of falls like how babies vomit yeah like a curtain just fell out of my mouth i just saw a baby vomit this week it pissed me off yeah they don't put any effort to making it go somewhere yeah they don't yeah they don't care about the humor behind it i'm like yeah put some fucking gum shit in it you just go and then you like die yeah you die on your own vomit sitting up fucking retard baby stupid babies with that stupid head that I could kill them with. What is that thing in the back of their head? What does that finally form? I want to know.

Anytime somebody hands me a baby, I'm like, are you hoping I kill it? Like I heard about the head thing. It's just a button you push. It's like a little death button. It's an off button. You just press off. It's a baby with the red ring of death. It's very similar to like if a human being had a switch where I just go and you're dead.

And you're dead forever. If there's one spot in a human where you could just crush their brain by just pushing it. Because the only thing you have to put, it's like just open skin. It's just, can't you touch their brain basically?

Like on the back of their head? Yeah, you could put your hand through their head out their mouth. Just like, but very slowly. You could just do it like this. And then it would just come out of their mouth like alien or something.

And then here's this red starfish. Yeah. Their brains, their heads are so stupid that if you leave them on the crib, they get little fucking eraser heads. Yeah. Yeah, if you don't pick them up. They'll turn into John Wilco or Steve Wilco. Steve Wilco does have, but he was laid on every part of his head. So it's perfectly cylindrical. He was neglected in a very balanced way.

Yeah. Where they kept turning him over like the hot dogs at 7-Eleven. Yeah, that's why he slept on a big roller. They're like, we're going to neglect this child. So we're going to, he's going to sleep on a thing that just tumbles him every so often. We need to raise a junkyard dog of a human to fight pregnant trailer whores on Prime TV. Steve, you did such a good job

finding that last whore. We're going to give you your own show where you have a segment where it's like a trans woman comes on and massages a guy and everybody goes, you're fucking gay! Steve, the way you really dug into that 15-year-old pregnant girl's sciatica last night, we want to give you a promotion.

Steve, the way you pistol whipped a meth addict midget, great stuff. So, Ben, what was this bar and grill you were at? It sounds like the type of place that serves hot dogs on a plate. That's correct. One of the saddest bar and grill experiences. No, it's sad. I go on Yelp. Oh, what were you saying? Oh, like if Thousand Oaks was a place, it woulddest like bar and grill no it's sad where i i go on yelp oh what were you saying oh like if thousand oaks was a place it would be that bar and grill yeah it's

the only bar and grill in thousand oaks that hasn't been shot up and it's going out of business for that reason there's oh it's a it always has one drunk sales rep in it at one moment there's always a guy from like state farm and a blue oxford shirt yeah just trash going like that my fucking wife's gonna kill me he's just he's waving a gun he's like i'm everybody in thousand oaks my wife's gonna fucking kill me he's like he's his fingers falling off because his wedding ring got too tight. It just like, the finger went black and then just fell off. So he just has, he has a nub with a metal band at the end of it. Like how they castrate sheep.

Yeah. Ethically. Oh, God. Yeah, like Mr. Deed's foot. His wedding figure. It's like how a turtle will get its head stuck in those soda can rings. And then it just, it grows all fucked up and weird. It's where the shell grows like it looks like an hourglass.

Yeah, it's like when a watermelon grows in a fucking cinder block. Just turns square. Yeah. He's got a goatee that's just a circle inside another perfect circle. His face looks like a bullseye. He goes, I'm going to fucking. It's the guy that goes, I'm going to fucking... It's the guy that goes, I'm going to drink your drive.

I'm letting you know right now. I'm going to let you know, I'm going to get him a Ford F950. Cost me $900,000. See that Ford Raptor out there? See that out there? It ain't mine, but it's nice. $1,200 a month.

$1,200 a month. I am unemployed. I got fired for drunk driving too much. I just wear Oxford shirts and sit here just waiting for things to happen. Yeah, my face looks like a negative of a scrambled egg. Or a side-side-out egg. Fuck. No, it's okay.

And take one, two, three. Three. There we go. So what happened at the- So I was watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Well, I was watching that Celtics game, two, three. Three. There we go. So what happened at the- So I was watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Well, I was watching that Celtics game, which was interesting. Went into overtime. Alfonso Cuaron, I think is his name.

Oh. It's not Cuaron. That's not it. The director of- The guy Carlton. No, he's thinking- No, that's- You're thinking of the Birdman director.

It's Alfonso Riviera. Alfonso Riviera. Thank you. Yeah. Alfonso Cuaron, I think, directed movies. Yeah. So, wait, is this guy not African American? He's black. He's black. Alfonso Rivaron I think directed movies Wait is this guy not African American? He's black

Alfonso Riviera is black The only black guy I know with a name like that is Alfonso Soriano I used to love Alfonso Soriano He was great He played for the Yankees and I really loved him He was my favorite player and then I heard him speak and I go you're not a cool black guy

He was like And I go what the you're not black Mexicans yeah just the guy's like I just Jesus Christ Jesus Christ I was waiting for his post game interview to be like man I hit that motherfucking ball so fucking

hard instead he's like we hit the ball and we don't get killed you're picturing him listening to MF Doom in the gym. Yeah, yeah. No, I just thought he was like super cool black dude and then I found out he was like those Dominicans that they have. I was the same way with Mariano Rivera.

Mariano Rivera. Mariano Rivera too. Yeah, because he looks cool. That and Tony Parker too. That fucking threw me. I know. He's French, right? I didn't even know you could be French and black at the same time.

Me neither. It blew my brain. No idea about it. See, I can hang. Keep it pre-2011. I the same time. Me neither. It blew my brain. No idea about it. I can hang. Keep it pre-2011. I can keep up with all this. Tony Parker. Tony Parker.

Alfonso Soriano. Okay. I hit my head. Okay. You're going to make a killer Gilbert Arenas reference at some point. But okay. So that guy, he hosts America's Funniest Home. Movies or videos or whatever. I guess Bob Saget at some point stopped hosting it.

Yeah, well, he hit his head on that. Yeah, he died. I imagine they didn't call him on the next day. It would be funny if they put the video of him hitting his head on America's Funniest Home. They just show him getting vaccinated and they're all laughing. Yeah, Craig Bergeron's like, talk about a yikes. Just him lying down and closing his eyes for the last time. RIP Bob Saget.

We love you, Bob Saget. Love you, Bob. We're sorry. We pretend like we know him. Sorry, Bob. We love you, Bobby. RIP, Bob. Wish I could have been there that night.

Robert. I call him Robert. Oh, right. Well, you met him a few times. Oh, yeah. We love you, Bobby. Wish I could have been there that night. Robert. I call him Robert. Oh, right. Well, you met him a few times. Oh, yeah. No, I used to tune his guitar for him. We'd sit around for hours just telling the aristocrats joke. Yep.

Yeah. Like all comics do. Yep. It wasn't a contrived idea for a shitty movie. Yeah. I used to flick his syringe for him. shitty movie yeah um i used to flick his syringe for him uh when i found out he died in like a four seasons in orlando florida i was like well could it have been an accident no yeah like that wasn't that wasn't like you just die in your sleep

randomly right something happened if you go to orlando and don't come back it's because something horrific happened it was something at your hand, at your peril. It was one of those deaths that you find out that senators that had Epstein info, they're found dead. It's ruled a suicide, but they were rolled up in a carpet and shot in the head five times. They're like, it's a suicide. All those people that roll themselves up in carpets and shoot themselves in the head. It's some elderly couple that you're talking about in like alabama that's like looking into human trafficking that they they murder suicide immediately boom their audi just explodes yeah yeah they're killed

like the mob really yeah yeah no they're put they're loaded into a cannon and then shot to the moon people go wow they they shot themselves to the moon i guess guess. Yeah, it's about Howard Johnson. All the comments, nobody's questioning it. They go, yeah, same thing happened to my grandfather, brother. Yeah, I can't believe he killed himself by putting concrete around his feet and throwing himself into the ocean. So I'm watching

America's Funniest Home. It'd be funny if this is the whole episode, Ben keeps re-explaining this story. Well, now I don't even know if it's going to be worth it. But I was dying laughing at the... So what's funny is they try to keep it wholesome because it's America's Funniest Home Videos. Obviously, anybody who turns on this show now goes,

this isn't anywhere near as entertaining as if I open up Twitter, I see people throwing each other through the glass door of a W entertaining as if i open up twitter i see people throwing each other through the glass door of a waffle house yeah i open up tiktok i discover a new species of human being i see new diseases i see insane things so they have to compete with the internet they have to compete they go wholesome because they're like well we'll get moms who don't like know what phones are yet yeah because It has to play in airports. It has to play at bars that are going out of business. It might be the only places it's on at

other than people that are tied up. That's the only other people that are watching America's Home videos is people that are still tied up and they're captured left. They're just in their chair. It's people who are tied up or dogs who have separation anxiety when their owners aren't home

and the dogs even trying to turn the remote bashing its head into the TV and Alfonso just going West Philadelphia born and raised does he do that a lot does he make references to Fresh Prince thank god the volume was off did he do the Carlton

dance at any point? He was coming out doing shimmies between these cocktail tables, and I saw people turning that are like, I haven't ate in three days. And they're just like, look, he's the guy from the show from 65 years ago. Oh, wow. And they're like, I'm so hungry. I remember we used to watch his show back before my CPAP virus rot in my brain.

You can see people that are being paid $60 to be at the TV taping. They're dipping their cocktail napkins in the fake water and then eating it, pretending it's a cracker. If they don't give him free bagels, they'll all tear Alfonso to pieces and eat him like the Walking Dead. You see his guts getting ripped open while he's screaming. They're just rifling through his stomach like it's spaghetti. Yeah, if they find a quarter in his pocket and start killing each other over it. Yeah, you see just a guy thumbing a child's eyeballs out. Yeah, you see just a guy Thumbing a child's eyeballs out

There's guys in the studio In the towers with snipers Like it's the Shawshank Redemption Just taking guys out Just bolt action rifles Like it's World War II As they're like climbing They're scaling a wall

And he's just picking them off yeah they get too they get too high up and one guy just blows his brain sound before they descend on him he kills himself he just goes he salutes

the guy at the tower next to him he salutes the AFV logo I'm coming soon Bob and then just AFV logo. I'm coming soon, Bob. Shh. Doof. And he just tilts over and falls. He just tilts over and

and then they're Yeah. Shoots himself. His brains fly out into somebody's open mouth. They catch you like at a hibachi grill. They're eating. They're crumpling up the $60 and just eating it. They're so hungry.

We were told there was insulin here. He's just shimmying through these cocktail tables like this. And the volume's off, but he's going. And I just look up from my thing that's been fried like three times for some reason. And I'm like, holy mother of God. And they clearly. So here's how the deal. Here's the deal with America's Funniest Home Videos

It is the funniest Well it is very funny But it's thematic So there's a segment on let's say A dog something Dog at Pipple attacks a child Rips its head off Sure

Yeah it's from a ring camera Of a child getting murdered by a Pipple So now what's funny is like America's become so bad it's such a bad place to live for middle cause they're not no one's gonna submit videos from like nice areas it's all like

it's all like East Palestine Ohio so everybody Alfonso Rivera's like look at my parents in Flint check this video out they're all eating each other like the Donner family drinking water and turning on fire

and just running through the street people wearing like severed ears as like a necklace yeah a guy getting crushed by a tank

just the militias taking out a whole town that should they really should update it for what America currently is I know it kind of is though

because like there was one segment on like it's because like climate change has got so bad it's not even really like funny or cute anymore so they just cut from video to video it's like old ladies getting sucked out of their windows like up into like tornadoes and hurricanes and stuff and it cuts to people that have any like people that live in a one-bedroom in north hollywood they're like and they're all they're all terrified they're all so scared there's probably like shockers in their seat or something like they're electrified cattle prods just electrocuting oh all the segments like one after the other was it was horrifying i mean completely terrifying yeah yeah yeah they do segments like that yeah they have to stick the themes and god bless the interns that are going through like just beheading videos and you know

people people drinking from rivers and then falling into them and dying one guy with rabies can't drinks water i was like what what a dumb retard oh so this is water one of the big segments jace was uh people that are too fat to do stuff because everybody's got so fat so a video that kept happening is a guy's just really fat and he drops like his wallet and he it's that fat guy thing where like like they they bend over to pick it up and they're doing this right yeah they trip on their thigh they literally fall on their face just because they tried to do this for a second yeah because fat people they have to keep their yeah yeah well i'm glad that's being promoted still we need to make fun of fat

people more yeah of course you know well to but to the the viewers at home it's just people it's not a fat person yeah you know just oh look at these people tripping and falling not these people are so fat they can't stand right no they're going that's is that me they go phil you're on the tv yeah i was re i re-watched wally this week and i was you get you know great movie you do the whole thing and then it gets to the ship with all the fat people and i was like legitimately like oh these people like aren't that really that fat anymore in my brain right like you looked at me like oh they're like 350 400 like that seems like it was literally like i was like what did they film this inside of a cheesecake factory what's going on yeah they got they got they got it together yeah they're reigning it in they're

doing all right every no everybody looks in that video like nick acato who's really not that fat comparatively right uh i mean i see motherfuckers way bigger than that all the time than wall and by the way if we're gonna talk about wally Wally, we got to mention Jeff Garlin. Sure. Shout out to Jeff Garlin, RIP. Shout out to... Wait, did Jeff Garlin die? No, no.

We're just... We're all waiting for his... Oh, God. I was like, I'm like emotionally affected. No, no, no. No, he just got like me too'd a hundred times in one day for some reason. Oh, did he? Again? By what? Yeah. Did you not see that with the Goldbergs? What, did got like me too'd a hundred times in one day for some reason. Oh, did he? Again?

By what? Yeah, did you not see that with the Goldbergs? What, did he get me too'd by a piece of cheese? Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, it's okay. Great minds. By the way, before... No, Jace, tip of the old visor. We're in the visor era, folks.

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Thank you. Ben, a plane just hit the World Trade Center. Oh my God. Oh my God. This looks... This is going to be bad. Oh my God. Steve Ranazzisi's there right now.

Are we sure someone... Are we sure Joe Rogan's just not doing a podcast at the top of the world trade center folks i mean look at those clouds yeah he's blowing fat clouds he's been blowing fatties dude oh my god i'm gonna fucking cross-eyed from how bad this bit is oh my, another plane's coming! Dude, what? Oh no! Look out! Get out of there! Get out of there! Oh my god, these are two bad pilots.

Oh my god, they must be Chinese. The pilot's name is something wrong. This must be because of the new diversity program with the pilots. Anyway, thanks, Metapisius. Thanks, Metapisius. Now back to the show. Now back to the show. Devin, you take Blue Chew. Okay.

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You'll have sex with any Tom, Dick, or Harry. Damn right. Yeah. And only fellas by those names. Those names. In particular. Could you get. You could keep yourself rock hard despite the smell of the garbage juice in the alleyway.

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That's the promo code to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluechew for sponsoring the podcast thank you bluechew thank you this is what i do with my life now mom i don't know if you remember this about jeff garland uh but he went on wtf with mark maron and he told like a 45 minute story about how he got really mad at that ride aid on sunset by the laugh factory because a woman took his parking spot and he got out of his car and he punched through the glass and the cops had to be called. He thought it was sugar cane.

Yeah. He saw the Snickers on the dash. Reaching a whole bloody handout handout i didn't know that he told a whole story about how the woman was terrified and he felt really bad about it but i mean now you couldn't do that but that being said if he if back then he was honest and open about like you know ripping a woman's car in half because she took a parking spot yeah god knows what he did behind closed doors so what he got me too me too like what? He got me too'd me too'd? Like sexual shit?

No, no, no. So he got like me too'd on the Goldbergs because I think he was doing a bit... I'll have to look this up because I don't want to defame him. I know what it is. He got fired from the Goldbergs because he kept...

There was like an intern who was like... He said a joke that had vagina as the punchline. The punchline was him going, vagina! And then she was like, I don't like that. So he followed her around for two weeks and just kept saying,

vagina, vagina, vagina, over and over again. I don't agree with him being canceled for that. They wrote him out of the season and they even CGI'd him. Did you see that scene where he was CGI'd? Yeah, they literally borrowed a framing from Shrek to put him in the Goldbergs. It looks terrible they cgi jeff garland there's like

one big scene where they're like oh there was nothing physical physical by the way sorry just go on yeah i mean the guy like that you can't rape you know you don't have like the blood pressure ability to rape he had a stroke in the early 2000s yeah there's scenes in curb where he's using a golf club as a cane to hide his stroke so good oh i didn't know he had a stroke in the early 2000s. Yeah, there's scenes in Curb where he's using a golf club as a cane to hide his stroke. So good on Curb. Oh, I didn't know he had a stroke. Yeah, he had a stroke in like 2003 and then lost a bunch of weight. So yeah, he said like vagina or something.

He thought it was funny. Well, you know, he should have everything taken from him for that. I think something else happened with his wife too but what okay check this out yeah it looks for a dude is great oh my god apparently it's like. This is the Goldbergs? Apparently, yeah. It's like a melodramatic show. I thought it was like a dumb, wacky show. I think it usually is.

This was like a big... Look at him! Okay, I think that picture's real. It's like 20 seasons in. I think they kept him out of the thing for a while. They're just like, Jeff died of a heart attack. And then they had a big moment where she goes to prom, so they needed him for a while. They're just like, Jeff died of a heart attack. And then they had a big moment where she goes to prom, so they needed him

for a big moment. And they CGI'd him in. Yeah, that was it. I thought it looked funnier, honestly, than what I remembered. They moved him to the Connors. He's playing Roseanne now. That's right. But RIP to him. It's a shame he's not going to come back because he's

so damn funny. Yeah, he's pretty... come back because he's so damn funny yeah he's pretty he's he's i mean he's good and uh he's great and curb serviceable does his job he uh i'll never forget when patrice just couldn't believe how unfunny and not quick he was as a stand-up on tough crowd oh yeah patrice went at him really hard on tough crowd and then i think they had like a i think garland like had a big beef with him for a while. But then when Patrice died, he was like, you know, Garland was like, oh,

it's fine. And blah, blah, blah. But he got, I remember, I think Patrice goes like, you're supposed to,

he goes, you're on a comedy show? He goes, that's the worst shit I've ever heard. Oh, that rules. Yeah,

just really embarrassed him. That's great. Everyone on Tough Crowd just thought they were just there to be there. And then like Patrice and Norton and all the, you know,

the gangsters were like, you know, showing up. Come on. And everyone got really exposed. Yeah, there was a couple like Dennis Leary, I think, tried to fight Greg Giraldo on the show.

I think he even goes, this guy comes in with his own writers or something. He goes, maybe if you thought about writing your shows, they'll be out there.

Great. Yeah, legend. Then he put a bunch of heroin in his arm, and he died. Was it heroin that did old Geraldo in? It was drugs of some kind. I don't know. Yeah, I never got the deets on that one.

Some would call it comedy. It was he OD'd on Whippets. That's how he went. Yeah, he bought a bunch of Ready Whip. Yeah, he OD'd like a 17-year-old. At a Toluca Lake. At like Juice World. Off sandbars.

So, uh... Oh, sorry. No, no, go, go. Oh, I was gonna say, what was your big takeaway from WALL-E? Because I am fascinated by WALL-E. Because it's pretty much the only film, and this was at a certain... It only could come out at a certain time. It's the only film and this was at a certain it only could come

out at a certain time it's the only film that where every single person in the film is either a robot or a 400 pound man right well it's it's funny because you're watching 400 pound man jeff garland is the voice of the captain and it's funny because he's the fattest one yeah he looks kind of better in wally than he does in real life yeah and uh the only person who's a human that is fred willard who got caught jacking off in a movie theater. Oh, right. There's some scenes with him like giving a little speech or just fucking ripping his

dick off. I hated when they got on him about that. Isn't that where you're supposed to do it? Yeah. It was at like a porn theater, wasn't it? It was at a porn theater. Smut, smut, smut shop. He's from the old days.

He thinks that's like what you do. I think that is what you're supposed to do. That's what I always heard. I don't see what the big deal is. Paul Rubens did that, the Pee Wee Herman guy, and I think he got in trouble, too. Yeah, like ruined his career. Yeah. Which is a damn shame.

You're supposed to go into a porn theater and just be like- You just watch it for recreation? That's worse. That's insane. That's worse to not jack off. Kill everybody that's not jacking off at porn theaters. Right. If I was running one and there was a guy not jacking off, I'd be like, get the fuck out

of here. Fucking sick creep. Dude, I want to be- You go up to him, you go, stroke it. You better fucking stroke it. If I don't see at least four strokes in the next minute, you're out. A guy with a shine in the flashlight like that. Right.

Shine in the flashlight, he goes, I'm good. I don't need it. See like popcorn and jujubes. Yeah. You're like, you're a sick fuck. Do you think at those porn theaters when the credits roll,

there's any guys that like clap? Well, dude, what I was about to say is literally like, I want to be like a Marvel tard at a porn theater. We're like a certain,

you know how in the Star Wars movies when like baby Chewbacca or whatever the hell goes on now. Sure. There's just like a red Chewbacca and they go, it's the red Chewbacca. Right. Or whatever it is. And it walks on screen and everybody's like, woo!

Yeah. But they've run out of, they've like run out of characters. I know. So they have to go, it's Fleab Gorbin from the tavern on Tatooine. Yeah. But they've run out of, they've like run out of characters from the original. So they have to go, it's Fleab Gorbin from the tavern on Tatooine. Yeah.

And like just retards with no dicks or pussies. Yeah. And just go, Fleab Gorbin. Just crying. Yeah, guys wearing a Fleab Gorbin shirt.

Guys standing up that have to pull their shirts down every time they stand up. Mm-hmm. Just over their bellies. Woo-hoo. Woo. And then just sitting back down guys who when they shave their neck have to like go out like this yeah like they're shoveling snow

they have to pull out a ruler to figure out where their chest separates from their neck in order to shave their beard in yeah guys that have to vacuum their face they need a bowl to cut their beard like it's a emma's on your fucking emma come on the core we love you emma come on we're trying to riff over they need a cord to what oh they stop growling she growls at you she's known you forever it's because we're moving it's a whole thing she's all stressed yeah the dogs are tense about the move and everything oh but i so i would do that in a theater i would start cheering when like a like a gay guy walked on screen or something i'd be like yeah you'd be like gianna michaels it's like when a band starts playing a couple a couple strings from like a familiar song you hear those claps in the woods some guy starts

unzipping his pants like i know that cock I know that cock. I know that cock anywhere. It's like the beginning of Leonard Skinner's Tuesday's Gone. You know what's coming. It's like the scene in Avengers where all the Avengers show up and people just like lose their fucking minds.

Yeah, and they say it's like the greatest movie ever made. But Devin, it is. It is. I don't want to argue with anybody anymore. It's a hunk of shit and I think you're like

a mentally retarded person if you really think it's great but a hundred I think less of people they enjoy them in any way if you're able to find

any satisfaction in what I don't I can't even can't it's kind of like it's kind of on par of like figuring out you're like a pedophile

or something like you fucked a kid that you're a map yeah no it's unsettling I had a co-worker once who pulled out a Rick and Morty poster of figuring out you're a pedophile or something. Like you fucked a kid. That you're a map. Yeah. No, it's unsettling. I had a coworker once who pulled out a Rick and Morty poster and put it on his cubicle

and I never talked to him. He just slapped it up. Yeah, we were actually kind of friendly and then he slapped that up and I was like, you're dead to me. I'm never going to talk to you again. Where he's like, hey, Jace, remember we were going to go to lunch

and you're just like, just looking up from your computer, like, something yeah i'm a i'm a 31 year old man going like hmm sounds like the wind just blew really hard must be a draft in here or something leaving uh notes in his uh desk like i'm trying to bully him oh you do a jim and dwight thing yeah yeah yeah i do classic jim and dwight man i wonder how many dudes like wanted to grow up to work in an office because they love jim helper yeah they're like jim so and it's like jim would be fucking arrested for like harassment yeah well also dwight would kill himself and there'd be an investigation yeah the whole show is insane bullying of a mentally

challenged man i thought the end of that show was always going to be Dwight comes in with a gun and kills everyone. Yeah. Like he takes out Jim first. Right. And then he rapes Pam in front of everybody. Should have been the finale. With a gun.

He's like, shut up, you racist asshole. Like holding it at Michael Scott. Shoving beats up her pussy. Just butt fucking Pam over her. The Office is one of those shows that I know is great, but I also have no respect for anybody that likes it.

The first season, the pranks are like, oh, we put a... I'm picturing Stanley coming up with the gat. He just goes... Just firing into... Right, he kills Oscar because he's gay. He just goes, just firing into. Right. He kills Oscar because he's gay.

Because there's no way Dwight didn't have like super racist like ideas. Well, no. Yeah. Because he clearly, there was this, I think there's an episode where he went to like an Amish farm. He lives on an Amish farm. You met all of his brothers. He like lives in a barn or something.

Like he clearly was insanely racist. Yeah, the real version of Dwight is like, well, if you know anything about skull sizes, you'll understand. He's a phrenologist. How obedience works. It makes no sense. Like it's like it might as well be Dylann Roof.

It's not. Dwight doesn't exist. He does. He's on the news. There's a mugshot of him. He does horrible things to people. Yeah. Supermarkets. Well exist. Yeah. He does. He's on the news. There's a mugshot of him. He does horrible things to people. Yeah. Supermarkets.

Well, I've always wanted the things that I hate. I've always wanted horrific people that commit horrific crimes to then say it was because of them just to hurt the thing that I hate. Yeah. You know, what do you mean? Like if Dylan Roof shot up when he shot up that church for all the black people, he goes like, yeah, I just love Dwight from the office. And then it ruins everybody. Like everybody has to feel weird about ever loving the black people. He goes like, yeah, I just love Dwight from The Office. And then it ruins everybody.

Like everybody has to feel weird about ever loving The Office again. The Christchurch shooter did that with PewDiePie. Before he went in the mosque in New Zealand, he said subscribe to PewDiePie when he went live from his GoPro. And then he went Call of Duty mode. There you go.

You could just ruin, you could kill one more person. You could always kill one more. One more. And you go, I'm doing this because of Rainn Wilson. Yeah, I'm doing this because of Abbott. Exactly. Abbott, whatever it's called.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go like, this is for Harry Styles. And you just kill everybody. And then now it's a little weird to make Harry Styles a god. I love that. Yeah. These guys need to think a little longer about their plans you know to make harry styles a god i love that yeah these guys need to think a little longer about their plans yeah they really do because they could also help the the they could help like you know the media yeah they could help things the quality of art yeah overall yeah yeah you know put on a lizzo shirt and just shoot up exactly yeah exactly shoot up a hot dog

on a stick or whatever and blame lizzo and now it's a little weird to say how much you love lizzo i want to shoot a whole sketch now where like one of like i'm playing dwight and your jim jace's maybe michael scott and then like i open my drawer and this like the stapler is in jello and then you're just looking at the camera and smirking and i just back away from the desk and I just pull a gun out of my back pocket and I just shoot you through the head. It's you getting up from the desk. Everybody's laughing at you.

You calmly walk to the parking lot. Open the trunk of the car. Open the trunk of the car. Just... Open it. Take out the machine gun from Breaking Bad and just slowly walk back in yeah you just see you see kevin just cut in half by bullets that guy yeah dude that guy's name is

brian bomb gardner and one time i was really drunk and i was at a bar in hollywood and i saw him like he's like he's a he looks like a fat retard he looks like kevin from the office yeah he looks like a guy who just eats chili he looks like he eats things that come in cans that's the really fat white guy on the show right yeah the bald the bald really fat one who like he just his whole thing is he like drops cups of mustard sure sure sure and they go kevin why'd you have that cup of mustard and he's like uh i thought it was ketchup yeah i think there's an episode where everybody literally debates whether or not he's mentally retarded because it's 2007 yeah it's 2007 so michael scott's standing up goes, he's a retard and I hate black people.

And Michael's in blackface. The Office is actually funny though, right? Or am I wrong? Because The Office, the early seasons are very funny. They're very funny, right?

Because I'll see people, I can't tell if they just like, if they say it's funny just because they were saying like retard and doing like racist jokes on it. I don't think they even ever said retard. I'm sure they did at one point. There is a point where,

like the first six episodes where Steve Carell's character does start doing the chris rock n words versus black people bit and they're like bleeping out the n words and stuff so and also patrice stopped being in it because he didn't want to fly to be in it so chris robinson took over his role so that's how you know it was racist was patrice worked on it. Yeah. Okay. So it's actually good. It's funny because back then a character was allowed to, one of their flaws that was funny was like, look, he's racist.

Isn't that wrong and bad? Right. When we had funny, when we had to like, yeah, common sense. I mean, there's this one episode where I think Patrice is in the warehouse and he's,

he's eating. Michael Scott goes, does, does black, do black people like pizza? And it cuts to Michael Scott staring at Patrice. And Patrice is just like Bob in his head, like, just ripping apart a pepperoni pizza and putting it in his mouth.

And then Michael just looks at the camera and just like nods. Like, hmm, okay. I guess black people do like pizza. Yeah. But we're talking more like, you know, season 18 when they run out of stuff. And they're like, Angela's going to space this episode. Sure, sure. Or whatever.

I hated the everyone really made it like a thing Pam and that guy, Jim, are together. I just wish it was a meme. I wish I had a relationship like them. That type of shit. Right? Yeah, yeah. I think the show got bad when BJ Novak was on the cover of GQ or whatever was going on. And people were like, but Mindy Kaling, she's not a side character on The Office.

She's the star. You're like, wait, no, no, no The Office. She's the star. You're like, wait, no, no, no, no. She's in the background and she says something Indian every now and then. We're not doing this. She says something Indian.

She's like, she's so white that Indian people have like, they've disowned her. She's so white that her brother pretended to be black. That's how white she is.

Did you know about this? No. Her brother pretended to be black. That's how white she is. Did you know about this? No. Her brother pretended to be black to get into like Yale med school. He shaved his head grew a beard. I think he changed his name to like some like Mike Jones or whatever. Vijay Chokal Ingham who is of Indian descent is pitching

a book about his experiences as a hard partying college frat boy who discovered the seriousness and complexity of America's racial problems while posing as a black man. That was in 2015. He's like racist fan Wilder. Yeah, I'll show you a picture of him. So he tried to do like a black like me thing?

See, he said I faked being black to like get into med school. This is her brother? This guy's like a famous meme. Yeah, he's like Deepak Chopra yeah oh my god yeah so call me racist people look at this I never pretend I never shaved my head and pretended to be a black guy man yeah Mindy Kaling real real vanilla so like he rejected he got rejected as an Indian guy but then shaved his head and pretended to be black and got accepted.

I mean, he looks more black with the hair. Yeah. He honestly does. He does. Well, what are you going to do? I mean, God bless her, you know. I mean, I'm sure she's very good at what she does. Mindy?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. You know, she fucking, she exists. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. You know, she fucking she exists. She is carbon. I think it's like she is alive and makes things. I think it's like a

Mel Brooks level thing to me. When I think of like the greats I think. Yeah, it's like Lucille Ball Kaling. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. We're talking Carl Reiner. Mm-hmm. We're talking Mel Brooks.

Mm-hmm. We're talking Gene Wilder. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mindy Kaling. Mindy Kaling. Mm-hmm. Mindy Kaling.

Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer. The best of the best. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm into it. I don't know. She puts out a movie once every year.

It's great. It's uploaded straight to Netflix. From her computer, she has free access to upload whatever she wants on Netflix. She's in bed eating yogurt, and she's like, let me just upload this $4 million film. No, it's a movie she edited on her iPhone. Yeah. She gets movies that are no-show jobs, basically. Yeah.

They send their movies to the guy that does our clips and then people in the comments are like this looks a lot like stoner dads oh man you know i hope stoner dads doesn't think we were doing we had no idea i had no idea yeah he's the guy he made he made clip. I didn't know it looked like Stoner Dads, but I apologize to Stoner Dads. We apologize. The timing was weird because we just had Matt on. Just had McCusker on, yeah. What are you gonna do, though? Right, we are cutting a Being Ian promo that's going out this week.

We got the Lumineers to do our theme song. We all have canes and we're just going, hey, man. I have a wig on. I'm talking about fucking my stepbrother. That's Jordan. I'm doing Jordan. Oh, that's Jordan. That could have been Ian.

I don't know. Oh, it could have actually, yeah. This time of year, everyone's talking about making big changes, which is all well and good, but most of the time, pretty unrealistic. Guys, have you given up on a New Year's resolution? Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too. Plenty of times. Oh, yeah. I've given up on diet fads and all sorts of wacky stuff. I get my head wrapped around. But I've actually found the smallest changes to your routine can make your biggest impact so true i agree that's how i feel about meditation in the same way you don't have to break the bank to make a big deal

purchase even the smallest things can be a part of a big change if it's something you use every day like my raycons i use my raycons earlier today they're great so does my uh my wife uses raycons too she loves them they're really good they fit in your ear perfect. They never fall out. Yeah. I use my Raycons. I call my parents, scream at them. It works great. Yeah.

For audio and voice. Yep. I wear my Raycons too and I do stuff in them. I do a lot. At the park. I put them in at the park and I go to the park and I just sort of look at people for a really long time until they get up and leave. Like if i want a seat at the bench i just stare at them and they try to talk to me and i go i can't hear what you're saying i got raycons in

they go do you got a fucking problem you go i don't know if i do because i have my raycons and they're noise canceling so i can't hear you as you scream at me and hide your child behind you yeah and they're like dude do we have a problem i'm like i don't know if we do because i got my raycons in can't can't can't tell i don't have any problems because i got raycons my only problem is that i haven't been staring at you long enough at this park well did you know jace raycon is premium audio at the perfect price point so you could build great habits without breaking the bank. I didn't know that. Well, you know, my routine has changed since I got Raycons, you know, because my gym routine,

I want to stay at the gym so much longer because I'm listening to so much Bob Dylan, which is I'm going through his discography while doing squats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing PRs and you're listening to like early Dylan. Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm. I'm listening to Highway 61 Revisited or whatever.

You're squatting 650, chalking up, and it's just like, how many rows must a man walk down? Mm-hmm. Mr. Jones. Yeah. I'm listening to that song. As one of your knees shifts behind your leg. Yep. Listening to Song for Woody. You pop your blue shoe in, put your r shifts behind your leg. Yep. Listen to a song for Woody.

Pop your blue shoe in, put your Raycons in. That's right. Well, whether you're looking for a pair of everyday buds, low-latency gaming headphones, or a speaker with a battery that will last all night at your next party, Raycons got you covered. And yet, Raycons start at half the price of other premium audio brands. So you don't even have to choose between products.

You can get one of each or a pair and a spare and still pay less than you would with some of the other guys. I keep one of mine at the gym in my locker, and I keep one at home at my desk. So even if you know you love your Raycons as much as I do, Raycon wants to make sure you feel great about your purchase. They offer buy now, pay later options which i prefer every purchase has an easy and free return guarantee they have three customizable sound

profiles earbud tap functions and noise isolation my favorite is probably the uh crystal clear call quality though because i have a hard time understanding what people are saying to me if i can't see their lips moving it It's a neurodivergent thing. Yeah, you're getting calls. It's like 10 to 15 years maximum. I'm like, are they mad? Are they sad? All thanks to Raycon.

All thanks to Raycon, you can hear your third strike. Crystal clear. And they're water and sweat resistant. Wow, 11 hours of play time. That's pretty crazy. Water and sweat resistant. Wow. Eight, 11 everyday, wow, 11 hours of play time.

That's pretty crazy. Anyway, are you ready to buy something small with a big impact? Go to buyraycon.com slash lemon party today to get 15% off your Raycon order. That's buyraycon.com slash lemon party

to score 15% off. Buyraycon.com slash lemon party. Thank you, Raycon. Thank you, Raycon. Thank you. party thank you Raycon thank you Raycon thank you just wait till we get Nicky P on the show

my new friend Nick Pizzolatto who's that creator of True Detective buddy from the dusty we made one season and then left. The creator of True Detective said he would come on Lemon Party.

The creator of True Detective, yeah, responded to it. The creator of True Detective season two said he would come on Lemon Party. Season two. Only season two and three. I don't know who did season one. Yeah. I haven't seen season one. I jumped straight to two. I thought it just started at season two. I didn don't know who did season one yeah i haven't seen season one i jumped straight to two i thought it just started at season two i didn't know there was a season one

yeah that was like a weird like i called it season one but it was season two i thought it was season two because it was about those two guys i thought season one i thought that i thought season one i'd seen clips from that i thought that was dallas byers i had no idea what season one was yeah i thought season one, I'd seen clips from that. I thought that was Dallas Byers. I had no idea what season one was. Yeah, I thought season one was the Lincoln lawyer. But yeah, no, he responded to, I don't know. I'm not even going to say it was a joke.

It was a sincere tweet. From the Dusty Mesa. What do we do about that? If he actually comes on, do we have to pretend we loved season two? I mean, I was obviously kidding. I'm not pretending anything. I think what we do, if he does come on, we all dress like Russ Cole at the end of season one. With the ponytail? We all have long ponytails, and we're just carving Lone Star beer cans.

And he'll be like, yeah, so that script was in production. Hell, and we're're like it kind of thinks we're all in hell just kind of walking through this life with no purpose nowhere to go that should be

episode 7 of True Detective where he finds Marty when he's older and they go to the storage shed and he opens it and it's just a podcast studio that he built

it should be him like recording Lemon Party yeah and it's Marty a podcast studio that he built. It should be him recording Lemon Party. It's Marty watching Lemon Party. He's like, turn it off, man. Turn it off. Fuck, man. You watch all that shit?

Just doing a podcast under a dead tree. Just a carcosa. We have that retarded guy with the burned off dick from the revival tent on the podcast that guy's awesome the guy that guy who just holds his hands up the guy that looks like me kind of right the guy where they go he couldn't molest them kids his dick got burned off in a corn machine and then rust looked at his penis yeah he made him drop his pants and look yeah showed him his

burned off penis yeah so and then the guy was crying i need to re-watch that i literally was about to re-watch season one the other day after i was excited about nicky p yeah by the way i respect heavily i'm just you know it was just it was funny that i got his attention but i was like by pretending to like pretending to like season two. Pretending to like season two. He called me a prophet. Then I go, maybe it is great. I don't know.

Maybe I'll support it forever. What's his name? Nikolai? Nick Pizzolatto. Nick Pizzolatto. I will fly us all to Austin on the business card. On the company card, which is also coming out of your pocket. Sure.

But you get to say you'll fly us out. Right, exactly. We're paying our own way. We pay our own way. No, you get to act like it's true. You're paying mine, too. Right. And you get tax breaks on all of them.

Well, I wouldn't say. But I also edit the show. That's true. No, it's very true. It's very true. Okay. But we are going first class. We's true. No, it's very true. It's very true. Okay. But we are going first class. We're literally blowing an entire Patreon month.

We're going to do- On a one-way ticket. And then we're going to- Oh, none of us are going to be able to pay rent next month. Not a single one of us. And then we're going to do a live comedy podcast at Comedy Mothership. Hell yeah. Yeah. Rog yeah. Yeah.

Rogan's Club. Hopefully his dad's there. Who, Nick Pizzolatto? No, Rogan's dad. His dad went viral this week. Did you see his dad going viral? No, what'd he do? Joe Rogan's biological dad is apparently like Lawrence Tierney from Reservoir Dogs.

He's just this old piece of shit. Right. He's filming like a wrestling promo. Yeah, he films like a promo with like, I guess, Rogan's brother or somebody piece of shit. Right. And he's like... He's filming like a wrestling promo. Yeah. He films like a promo with like, I guess, Rogan's brother or somebody? Like stepbrother. Stepbrother. And then just some other fucking Italian mongoloids are in the video.

And he's literally like, I'll see you in the octagon. He goes, you punk ass. You got no heart. You're Mr. Pink. It's really... There's all these like like Jerrogan comments about his abusive father. Yeah.

Yeah. He talked a lot about how his dad was abusive and shit. And now his dad's like finally being like, Joe, you don't know what you're talking about.

I'm going to convince everybody I'm saying by filming the most insane thing you've ever seen in your life. He goes, you call me a psychopath? He goes,

I'll fucking kill you. It's like literally that good it's literally like the uh a vega vegas uh well when the two went to the two vegas yeah yeah yeah it's it's chris penn and michael madsen come in and talk to him and reservoir dogs that is a very funny scene i forgot about that i've just re-watched reservoir dogs you forget that chris penn is in there with his dad laurence tierney and then Vince Vega, not Vince Vega, the other Vega brother. Well, okay, so that's part of the lore of Tarantino, though, that he uses Vega as a...

Well, they are brothers in the universe. In the universe, they are brothers, yeah. But it's the one played by Michael Madsen, that Vega. Mr. Blonde. Mr. Blonde, he comes in, he just got out of prison, and then they start wrestling.

He goes, see that, daddy? This retard tried to fuck me. Tried to fuck me right on my gay ass. I didn't know you were into that, you gay retard. And they're just like doing. But doesn't he say that, doesn't that make you, you got so much N-word penis come pumped into your ass because you're like N-word penis. Yeah, in jail.

Yeah. But now he tries to fuck me in your office. Yeah. That's also what Joe Rogan's dad said. You think you're a big tough guy, Joe? You got Edward, come up your ass. You know there's somebody at a laptop right now like, say it! Come on!

You're right there! Come on, Rock! Come on, Rock! Come on, Rock. You can say it. You can say it, Rock. They made a bet with their bookie that like 900 to one that we're going to say the N-word. And they're walking around with their ticket like, come on. Say it, damn it.

You're slapping a pamphlet on his leg. Come on, you cock. Yeah, a racy pamphlet. Come on, you cocksucker. End it all, you retards! Going into a meat freezer just to practice the N-word? Yeah. Come on, you're gonna eat nails and shit N-words.

Oh, man. Oh, that's so retarded. But yeah. I hope that video actually helpse with the people that hate him and want every time his name pops up they act like he's like a horrible you know person and a nazi and all that shit i hope people see that video and they start going like uh i don't know i just hope it helps him a little bit right yeah me too i love joe i love him i love him and and uh yeah it's i don't know

i thought that was like perfect i'm like good do people get to see like yeah you're like a real human being right like a wife and everything you had to escape like your dad jake lamotta you didn't appear at a wooden table and start recording podcasts you know exactly if his dad is a piece of shit it's amazing he's like the literally the nicest person i've ever met yeah well he escaped he went and lived with hippies in like San Francisco and his dad is just like a pea brain,

like brick laying piece of shit. Yeah. Out in North Jersey, just like making videos on TikTok with his family, threatening his biological son. With like his like Native American family

or something. Yeah, his weird family. His stepbrother looks like he like rides a carpet and like owns a tiger. He's like a curly monster. Curly, weird. He looks like Captain Hook.

They're all just like threatening to kick Joe's ass. Yeah, they're all just like, yeah. They go, we're not psychos, Joe. They're like holding weapons. There's like a baby on the floor in the background. You think we're psychos? It looks like a rap video. They're all throwing up gang signs and shit.

It looks like a Tech N9ne video. All of his family look like the evil toys from Toy Story under Sid's bed. Yeah, pretty much. Behind them, just like a baby head with a spider robot arms. There's a fishing pole with hot lady legs coming off of it.

They're all just screaming at Joe. Duck with a slinky. Yeah, ladies with one eye oh man yeah that rules i'm laughing very hard about the guy that has is with his made a bet with his bookie we're gonna say hard r oh yeah yeah and just screaming well i was laughing we didn't get to get to it but i was laughing at just burgess just training that was the reason he was training rocky burgess meredith in rocky oh he's just training. He's like, come on, Rock. Call him it.

Say it. Say it. Say it, Rock. It's the only way you're going to make Apollo worse than you. Rocky comes over to him in the corner in the middle of the fight. And he goes, you got to say it, kid. Is he fighting a black guy in that one? He's fighting Apollo Creed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's even better. Just Rocky's like, I don't know. i can't say you gotta cut me the end of rocky he just calls the cops on apollo creed and wins everyone raises him in the air that rules yeah um do you want to go over to the Patreon now? Just because... Yeah, I guess I got to upload this episode tonight. I know, it's a little late. We're going to... Plus, we give them a hot N-word bit to end the podcast.

Yeah, I mean, we actually... Guys, folks, we're dog whistling, as they say. We're literally dog whistling. People go, oh, they're not really dog whistling. You're trying to defend us. No, we're actually racist. Doing that bit is like giving Oliver his porridge. Please, sir.

Please, sir. More N-word. And he finally gets it. Please, allude to the N-word, sir. And we go, just give us some time. Give us some time, son. Wait until the Patreon gets high enough we can't not. This chef's like, I haven't even gotten the soft egg ready yet.

I haven't even started on the hard art. Please, son. Please, son. I haven't even put flour in it yet, kid. We've still got juicers we need to get to. There's a whole pot of juicers we haven't made it to. We've still got juice slurs we need to get to. There's a whole pot of juice slurs we haven't made it to.

Patreon.com slash Lemon Party. Join the Patreon to get the private feed of episodes. We're going to make merch at some point, I think. We're figuring out live shows. We're going to get you moved in. We're going to, yeah. By the way, if you join the Patreon. We're trying to make sketches, We're going to get you moved in. We're going to, yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, if you join the Patreon. We're trying to make sketches, but I've been moving.

It's been. Yeah, we've got a lot of live stuff going on. And to let people know, if you join the Patreon, you don't get like that double charge thing. I think people are confused. That is true. We don't do that. We don't do that. We could have chose to double charge.

You get charged when you sign up, and then 30 days later, you get charged again. It's not a first of the month thing. So it keeps track of your thing. And also when people check the Patreon it doesn't dip every month. It just sort of stays steady. Join youtube.com slash hatewatchpod join the hatewatch podcast

Patreon. I double charge. Devin does double charge. They didn't even have this thing in place when I started the Patreon. I guess I could change it but I don't really care. I actually don't think you can change it once you start it, though. That's exactly what I tell the people. I literally don't think you can, though.

Okay. Well, there you go. No, wait. No, you can. Now that we've done it this way, we can never switch back to be making more money. We make another five grand a month. I kind of regret not doing it. What?

Really? Yeah, I think so. How is that? I don't even understand. If we did the double charge. I still don't not doing it. What? Really? Yeah, I think so. How is that? I don't even understand. If we did the double charge. I still don't understand how this works. But it's not right to do to people. So people literally get charged twice?

Yeah, so if someone charges on the 26th, they get charged again on the 1st to like get their billing cycle the same. It's like the fact, if I turned it on, I couldn't sleep at night if I did something. It's really fucked up. If someone,

if HBO charged me four days later after me paying, I'd go into the headquarters with an M16. No, it's really annoying. if someone if HBO charged me four days later after me paying I'd go into the headquarters with an M16 no it's really annoying I just didn't even I'd strap a beeping vest to myself and walk into HBO I didn't even know that was a thing I thought I would hear more people complaining about that on Patreon I just never even knew that was happening

um I wanted to so this email real quick da da da I gotta find this um I got to find this. I was emailing this guy. Oh, Mark Maron's with Ronnie Chang tonight. I don't know why I get those emails where they're like, hey, you know how you've never opened one of these in 15 years?

It's always like the subject line is like, worst comedians you've ever seen are performing at the Hollywood Improv tonight. Yeah, they're like like special today at the hollywood improv you'll get murdered in the room executed uh so this go fund me i'll put a link in the um description for this they still need help i tweeted it out but i said i was gonna put it on the episode too i emailed him to check in how they're doing. They still need more money so I'm going to put this again. But this is his, his wife is really cool.

She has a rare blood cancer and so they need help. So go, if you can, if you do have bucks to throw around. If you have extra money after subscribing

to the Patreon, of course. At the highest tier. At the highest tier. Give it, after that, give it to this. If you have the choice,

do not save this one. So this is, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Please help this person out. Howl's Purpose, give it after that after that give it to this if you have the choice do not save this one so this is uh no i'm kidding i'm kidding please help this powerless purpose 33 year old fighting rare blood cancer just all of a sudden had a rare blood cancer thing and the people go people are treating me just it is funny when you fucking fucking magg maggot sitting at home in a gamer chair. You show me when you share at a charity, people will tweet, fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's real. Just a larva in a gamer chair just caking their own urine, just hating everything. Yeah. God, I want to go after everybody that tweets at me shit like that in my midget. I want to drive. I literally want to find... I want to pay someone to figure out their longitude and latitude and then go to where

they are and then pull out a gun and blow their head off. Well, easy with the targeted harassment on the public episode. But you might have to cut that because this is on YouTube. But in other news, support Paola yeah give

you're gonna have the link in the description right because they can't see it and just so you know they do double charge

yeah there go fun we does double charge but help them out no it's fucking horrible

yeah terrible god damn it anyway okay patreon.com slash limit party all right that's the episode

goodbye everybody bye bye