lemonparty - 021: Yoko Oh No

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

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are we recording over there yeah we are oh shit. Oh, shit. On the last episode, I forgot to do soy face. You did forget to do. We can record soy face after and cut it in. Okay, so right now you're watching the first episode, actually. And I'm going to do soy face. And then it's going to jump into. Oh, and then it's going to jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do it. Okay, do soy face real quick. But then that means I'm going to have to do soy face again for the Patreon. You got to do two soy faces in a row. Just do them right now. Just double them up. Which if do two soy faces in a row. Just do them right now. Just double them up. Which if you do them twice in a row, you might die from shame. Whoa, new studio.

Oh, new. Wow. Can't believe we're about to record the main app right now. New era. New era. Watch us adjust to a new studio. We're adjusting. We're adjusting.

Kind of nervous about it. Not sure how this is going to go. studio. We're adjusting. We're adjusting. Kind of nervous about it. Not sure how this is going to go. I think that sounds good. I need to get those covered somehow, and then I'm going to put something over that, and then I'm going to get a light for Jace. But yeah, this is pretty much it. And then we're going to get a Chris Dorner poster, I think. Yep.

Nice. Really? Yeah. That should be good. Sorry, I'm opening my Peruvian soda. Your Inca Cola? Yeah. That is...

Did you hear that fizz? That's the Latin in it. You hear that? That's an r being rolled out of there yeah there's that pp look at that that parkinson's pour that is the the wrist mobility of somebody drinking that soda yeah you got the you got the cane sugar jitters yeah that that soda comes with a free wrist brace so you can pour it. Remember that period of time when Coke started

releasing their Mexican Cokes where it's like with cane sugar in it? And people kind of started acting like it was healthy. They were like, no, it's the good Coke. Because it's pure. They're like, it's from the earth. Yeah, cane is a plant. Look at that.

That is disgusting. That really is. I said that looks is a plant. Look at that. That is disgusting. That really is. I said that looks like a train crashing into some water. That looks like the Ohio spill. You're just drinking the water. You're going to grow an extra eye. The only way I can describe its taste

is yellow. That's the only way to describe it. It looks like you drink it and it's going to rot through you. It's like a way to describe it. It looks like you drink it and it's going to rot through you. It's like a pineapple Mountain Dew, I guess. Yeah, it's like the blood in Alien. It'll just rot through your whole body. Yeah, it is. It's just kind of yellow.

I don't really know what it is. It's the food dye. Sweet food dye. It's great. I would love if this was some elaborate point. Ben carbonated his own piss to get us both to drink it. I'm about to do something called, well, we got to invent a word for it. What?

It's like a retards beverage. I'm about to. Oh, instead of an Arnold Palmer? Oh, yeah. It has to be like, it's a Gary Busey. You're doing a Busey. It's half Coke Zero, half Inca Cola like it's a gary bucey you're doing a bucey it's half coke zero half inca cola it's a suicide it's when you get every flavor of soda at the fountain and then you kill yourself one of these a day and you won't hit the age of 35 my friend who doesn't love tumors

yeah you but this gives you tumors. You know how old dogs get hunchbacks? Lumps, yeah, yeah. That are squishy? Yeah. You get one of those tumors, you're saying. That turns the insides of your body into a basketball that's been sitting out in the sun,

and it gets all those lumps. Yeah, that gives you a tumor so big, TLC starts giving you phone calls, and they go, how would you like your name up in lights? Yeah, that sun will make you a star, kid. Yeah, TLC's giving you phone calls. And they go, how would you like your name up in lights? Yeah, that's subtle. It'll make you a star, kid. Yeah.

TLC is measuring your tumor like it's a high school basketball recruit. They're like, Ben Avery out in the West Valley, he's got a five-star tumor. 40-centi-inch wingspan. He's refusing chemo. Yeah, and you are like the dog at a party, bumming everybody out. You kind of float into the room with this giant volleyball on the side of you, and you're like, hey, guys.

And everyone's like, he looks pretty fat. They're like, no, no, no. When he's wet, he's a lot skinnier looking. Those dogs, they walk in rooms people go oh my god what a cute and then it turns and they go oh no yeah oh what happened it's it's like a warner's brothers reveal like it turns and then you just yeah like the fish and spongebob when they're really skinny and they turn one way and they're fat yeah and then people try to go oh no but it's it doesn't it's not weird at all and then they pet they like they're really skinny and they turn one way and they're fat. Yeah. And then people try to go, oh, no, but it's not weird at all.

And then they pet. You're like, you're hovering your hand over the fur. You're not even touching the dog. No, no, no. Because you're afraid your nail will pop it. And then a bunch of like radioactive cancer goo will fly out of your dog. Spiders come out of it. Yeah.

Now, I remember one of our relatives, like went over for christmas and they had like they have a bunch of dogs and we were like hey rusty you know patches and they were like oh my god and there came a dog like literally another dog yeah yeah on the side of its back and the whole time it's mitotically like uh making another one yeah it looks like two cells dividing it's like stuck on you yes yeah i forgot about that and then you have to be like hey wow that's not fucked up at all keep it alive yeah you turn to them you go that should not be put down i think well then they go they go oh it's it's it's fine it's middle it's mal no, wait, what's the one that's good? What's the one that's good?

Benign? They go, it's benign, it's fine. I'm like, okay, well, this has to hurt. Yeah. And the dog tries to go through the doggy door and like rips half of it off. Yeah, Emma had one of those on her ass and I got it removed, but it was small and I

said if it's this size it's fine. Because it was like this big. And as soon as it grew in twice its size I did the right thing. You gave yourself a limit. Like how gamblers do. Yeah because it's

rude to guess. It's just not okay to let people look at it. If it gets too big. I don't even care for the dog. It's just not okay to let people look at if it gets too big. That's why I don't even care for the dog. It's more about the optics. I'm like, stop bumming me. It's like if you have money and you still have a big mole, get that thing removed. Yeah. Jesus.

And I'm kidding, but not really. No, I know what you mean. You are right. By the way, I didn't know the tumor on Emma was benign. But that's just what I told everybody. Right. I said it's benign. It's fine.

Just so they don't get all bummed out. You did one of those surgeries where you go to the doctor, you go, I don't care what it is. Don't spend the extra money to test it. Just cut it out. If it grows back, we'll shoot her. I don't know. But I did the right. It's expensive, though, because you don't have insurance on your

dog it's like 700 to get this thing taken out can you take out life insurance on your animal and then kill it and then like reap the reward i think i think if it's famous right can you do like an alec murdoch thing and like kill all your dogs is that what that guy did he killed his whole family killed his whole family yeah To get the insurance policy. Yeah, something like that. Killed his maid, too. I started following it, like, four years ago, and he just kept killing people, and I just got bored because he

never, like, threw in a curveball. He just kept killing people. It's a never-ending saga. Like, the last 40 years, it's just, like, if you're around him, it's like Anton Chigurh. Like, you're just in trouble. And he's getting a little too like southern cocky about it too he's like i can kill anybody in this damn town i don't give a shit it was all killed a maid too who cares goddamn maid he's like all right i killed my family the maid doesn't count yeah your honor i'll admit it but do not fucking

send me to jail for a Mexican woman. Do not charge me for the maid. No, no, that was, they were, it was the type of southern poverty where, like, the maid was just like a hillbilly. It counted as a third. It was like the water boys, like, mom was their maid. Oh, that maybe. They identified her body by her tooth. Oh, Devin, can you lean a little bit forward?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not used to the new chair I got yet in the state sale. I like leaning back. We got a smaller space and a much bigger TV, which I think is very funny. Oh, yeah, yeah. Look at that beauty. Which we will be using on the Patreon to cover the Will and Don European extravaganza. Yeah, we were going to do it on the main, but then we Googled the word targeted harassment.

And we realized what we're going to do on the Patreon is technically maybe illegal. To do it a third time. We're going on like Google Maps Street View. We're like, there he is. Get him! Yeah, Devin, what'd you say? This is like, it looks like the room

where people get swatted from. Yeah, this looks like Ben just sits here and calls the cops on people. Yeah, like a 911 operator. He's like, yeah, we got a retard in Virginia. He's playing Call of Duty right now. If you could go in. Yeah, I'm just swirling my Gary Busey. It looks somehow less healthy now, now that it's beet red.

It looks like the original soda got cancer. Now that it's beet red. It looks like the original soda got cancer. But it looks healthy through the green glow. Look at that. Just a big glass of metastasized. You've made DDT somehow. That would make eagle eggs too thin.

Yeah, you can kill weeds with this. You can spray this on your yard. My Uncle Stan had this guy that helped him this big big fat guy inca cola everybody peruvian drink and i remember he told me he had he just had a giant tumor removed from his like like kidney and i was like oh that's horrible he was like he was all shocked he was like 35 and and i was like man that's crazy and then we started talking about soda and he goes yeah i used to drink two two liters of coke every night i was like well i think you found the culprit there buddy yeah like in bed he's like a smoker yeah where it's like you can't even comprehend how he was drinking that much soda you go you had to take a sip every 10

seconds he was awake yeah it's like a vape yeah like if you told me i had to do that for two years and get a million dollars like i don't know if i could do it dude you can't do it man you couldn't do it i genuinely think like this is worse for you than a pack of cigarettes you'd destroy your gut biome so you'd have you'd have chronic depression you'd have crazy mood swings your estrogen would be like insane You'd be like a pregnant woman. You'd be flying off the handle all the time. Smothering your children. At least a pack of cigarettes, somebody will fuck you. No one's ever drinking two liters of soda

in a day and then came in a woman. No one's ever said, I drink two liters of Pepsi because it looks cool. Like a Ryan Gosling in Drive, but he's just drinking. Just outside of a concert with a leather jacket on, just downing a giant Mountain Dew. Doing that fat guy move where he's just drinking out of the bottle, where he's gotten so disgusting he's moved past cups. He's like, I ain't used a cup since 08.

Since 08. Stop using cups after Obama Made them illegal Obama made it illegal For white people to use utensils It's also with They go with this soda You can't pour it in a cup It'll eat through it

It's like lean When you gotta two cup it They go you only pour soda in a cup You wanna clean the cup They're putting it in their dishwasher They go, you only pour soda in a cup. You want to clean the cup. They're putting it in their dishwasher, like where the stuff's supposed to go. You probably could. People would clean their toilets with Coke. That's actually true.

And you hear it like fizz and it's eating away the shit. You can clean. It's stronger than shit. Wait, so if you clog your toilet, you could pour Cocacola in it and it'll eat up the turd and i would flush i would definitely try that i'd give it a shot i'd love to be at a party accidentally clog the toilet and then just be like well i'm just gonna grab a coke out of the fridge and see if this works so now you've got a clogged toilet that's completely black in the bowl and everybody's confused dude never have i been happier, when we went out to eat and we ordered a bottle

of soda for the table. For the table? Ben, literally, we were at a Peruvian restaurant, which I didn't know there was Peruvian food, to be honest with you. And I didn't know what that was. Yeah. I didn't know what Peruvian food was going to be. It's like, it's just meat and potatoes, basically, right?

Yeah. Yeah. And they have like a different type of sauce, right? Yeah, they'd bring out sauce. One was green. It's kind of like, what if like red lobster was in Cuba? Right. Like that's Peruvian food.

I think, was there stuff on the menu called like Lomo Saltado? Stuff like that? Stuff like that. Yucca. Cactus. There was octopuses. Yeah. They're selling like you can eat like aopuses. Yeah. They're selling like you can eat a tapestry.

Yeah. They sell those weed smoker hoodies. Yeah. The llama hoodies. Yeah. You just eat a Che Guevara hoodie. We got a picture of a mountain you can eat. We're eating a deep fried loot.

One of those things. The guys play at the mall. I'm going to go on a limb. The only Peruvian thing I know, I think, is Machu Picchu. Yeah. Which is a thing with steps. I was 50-50 on whether Peruvian means from Peru or not. I'm like, it's like Persian.

If you both confidently were like, no, it's from Peruvia, I'd be like, oh, fuck. Damn it. I didn't know. But it is Peru, right? Yes. I know Machu Picchu just from women I've wanted to fuck in the past have Instagram photos where they visited Machu Picchu. They go to Machu Picchu and there's like

rainbows and from what I can tell you, you gotta climb up it. It seems like a bunch of bullshit. It's a big staircase. I have no interest. It's a big mountain and there's the characters from Rocket power like walking around there's like squished brown people they look like they're they're in rocket power and they have the hats with the little tassels that come on either side um but we go we go to the place and this lady the waitress comes over ben texts ben goes to take a shed and then he texts But we go to the place and this lady, the waitress, comes over. Ben texts.

Ben goes to take a shit and then he texts me. I'm like, yeah, I got to take a shit real quick. And I turn to the waitress. I'm like, what's y'all's Wi-Fi? I got to take a shit. Yeah. Ben walks in like a used car salesman from Texas. Ben's like, I got to make a floater.

Y'all got Wi-Fi? Tell me it doesn't walk it, sister, because it's coming out. Ben's walking to the bathroom and he's taking his rings off, preparing for what's about to happen. So I don't lose a ring? What is that? You don't lose a ring in the toilet? Yeah, you hand Katie your wallet. You go, if I'm not adding 50, you give me a call.

Ma'am, miss you. What's the password? Come on, tell it as I'm walking. Come on, tell me. You're taking your belt off walking through my dick's out my dick involved i'm already i'm already pissing come on you're you're an lbj texas guy where you're just like come on it's coming out of my bunghole miss him miss him you give me that wi-fi password there's gonna be how to pay i love ordering a two liter

of soda for the table like you're Tony Soprano. Well, that's what he texted. I wanted them to bring it out on ice like it's champagne. Like in one of those little metal tubs. Yeah, your gay soda, sir. For the table. But Ben texts us, he's like, order it for the table. I said, order a bottle of soda for the table and please say it that way.

Right. And the lady didn't. I also wasn't going to do that but the lady didn't come and then she came up to you and was just like what are you like what do you want and then ben was like can i get a a soda for the table and she's like what she's like what the fuck i think she literally went like so like coke and he goes uh the the soda the big soda. I pointed to another, I think a Peruvian family. And I go, no, you know, like, I wasn't going to be like, you know, like the natives. Like how they do it.

So then she finally, she goes, oh, but you, but she's looking at me up and down like, oh, you mayo ass cracker like she was like she turned into a a black woman yeah she turned into Tiffany Haddish

all of a sudden yeah she she finally understood I wanted the the Inca Cola I didn't want a Coca Cola yeah

you should have just said your most retarded soda please Inca Cola made out of the grinded hearts of Mayans. Yeah, and she brought it over and had glasses and everything. That's lovely. I took one of the worst shits of my life after drinking it. Yeah.

Truly one of the worst. Because I drank like half of it. I drank half a cup and then drove home and I was getting like heart pains on the way back. I was like stuck in traffic on the 134. I was like, I might have to like get off the highway. This is like, it's so bad for you. It's like anti-venom where I feel like if you drink enough of this, you become an athlete.

Yeah. If you drink that, you don't have asthma anymore. Yeah. They're better than American soda though. This is, this is,. This is like chemo. You keep handing this around like it's the ring from the Lord of the Rings. It's insane. I mean, look at it.

It's like soda. It's the golden cola. Right. It's also, you have to realize, Ben brought that from the restaurant. Oh, and I brought it home with me. It's very funny to put down a metallic Amex card and then be like, let's get out of here. And then just tuck a soda under your arm. Look them in the eye and go,

I just moved into the neighborhood. I'll be here often. To go cling and then the metal hitting and then be like, I'll be in the car. Sir, did you bring that soda? We charge an uncorking fee for all sodas brought from outside the establishment.

That should be your next movie. You should go to regular restaurants and bring your own Inca Cola. Oh, dude, I mean, I don't know if there is such thing as a soda sommelier, but I imagine it's like the review bra. Do you know that guy? No, but I was about to say it's one

of many retards you watch. There's plenty of soda Somalias. Pull him up on the 85 inch TV screen. The review. This guy's awesome. The review bra. Oh, this guy. Yeah.

Report of the week. I love this guy. He's a genius. Yeah. No one has a work ethic like him. He has. He has a really rough case of autism. I think the internet's just kind of exploiting it. Yeah.

He does have so much autism, he looks like Steve Buscemi. When you get so autistic, you look like a great character actor. Yeah. Yeah. He's got those Anya Joy Taylor fucking eyes. I know where they're 18 inches away. Yeah, yeah. But then she's hot.

The hottest woman on earth. Her eye is on the back of her head. Yeah, she can't see if you come right in front of her like a cow. You can sneak right up on her just walking straight at her. My favorite review of his is he had one, it was he reviewed waters. So he had two waters and he compared the two. And I think it was distilled water versus alkaline.

And then he just poured them into huge wine glasses with really tall wine stems. And then he was like swirling the water. And I think the review was like 47 minutes long. Yeah. And just like, yeah, in some empty mansion that he's been abandoned in and and somehow somehow it's like it was like everyone was like skipped a minute 27 if you want to see him finally try the water like he comes at it from every angle like is like okay so here's the backstory about when i went to the store to get the water first he's by the way you know what he also does he's like

a shortwave radio king so he has his own own shortwave radio station where if you're within 40 miles of his home, he's like that guy, Bill Cooper, the guy who got shot by the IRS, who was a shortwave radio guy in Arizona. Okay. Who wrote Behold the Pale Horse. The guy who talked about Kennedy being killed and that he saw UFOs in the Navy. Oh, yeah. Vaguely. Yeah, I remember that guy. So he would just record from his home and that he saw UFOs in the Navy. Oh, yeah, vaguely.

Yeah, I remember that guy. So he would just record from his home and you could hear it if you're driving, if you're trying to escape the town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of those like pirate radio stations. Right, okay. Where literally like he had a thing in his home where he would broadcast from his little like,

he had the coolest little incel lab too. I'll show you his setup because it was like super based. But you are right. If you were driving from Texas to California, you'd get 45 minutes of schizophrenic rambling that would just disappear. Right. Okay.

Just saying, I know who killed John F. Kennedy. And then just... Yeah, he was... Let me see if I can find his room, though. He looks like Bud Dwyer. A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. He was awesome, dude.

He is great. he was kind of like alex jones before alex jones oh oh dude this was wait there's the photo here this is kick so much ass he got shot by the by like a sheriff they they cornered his home because he wouldn't pay his taxes and he died in some weird way they all shot it that's awesome i didn't know the irs just unloads on you if you owe them. Yeah, the IRS does a drive-by. He looks like a guy that's supposed to be killed in a Scorsese movie. Yeah, he looks

like the schmuck they like strangle out of the back of a car. Yeah, he looks like the Maury's wig guy. He looks like Joe Pesci's gonna be like, I thought he never shut the fuck up. Yeah, his whole role in the movie is just to go, I need my money. De Niro's like,

he's been spreading disinformation. But yeah, that's him. But they killed him because he knew the truth and he was becoming too powerful, frankly. So a fat sheriff in Arizona, probably Joe Arpaio's dad killed him. That is also,

I was going to say how great the 80s were, is that everybody who either killed themselves on TV or got killed by the cops looked like that guy. Yeah, that is. That's every guy in the 80s that died. And he was 25. You know, our day and age, we have like Adam Lanzas, Dylan Clable, like these young twinks doing killings. Yeah, guys that didn't even own

belts this guy had a belt had to guys who get it guys who are doing public shootings who have high blood pressure guys popping a Lipitor and then going and blowing a woman's hat off in public this looks like a gamer setup but for a child porn

this looks like he that he tried downloading child porn on steam yeah he was uh he was so og he was downloading child porn with the punch cards he had the big computer that's filling up the room but just to do child pornography he uh it's it's funny to look at that photo because you realize he so that's if you look at the uh like the podcasting ancestral tree that's like 19 like early 1980s i think he's at the top i was just thinking that buds all the like that's us it's depressing because i'm like man if he only lived 25 more years he'd be making so much money on a podcast. Yeah. Poor guy.

Yeah, I know. And he's dead now. Dead? Yeah, he's dead. They shot him and killed him, and he's dead. The IRS. Yeah. Well, the sheriffs went after him. He didn't believe in paying taxes and stuff like that.

Right. And the IRS is like, we need to get our $2,000 a year that this guy was clearly earning. And the thing about him is, is he claimed to know, so he claimed to have, he saw UFOs in the Navy and talked to people who saw UFOs and then weren't allowed to talk about it. So he was correct. Yeah. We've all found out that's true

basically. And he has people, so this is an interesting thing about guys like this too is he claims a couple people on the inside told him who really killed John F. Kennedy and he couldn't discuss it did he ever say who who it was so guys like this are often by intelligence agencies fed false information from a guy on the inside well so they have sources that are working against them or for them or you to the whistleblowers who might be pretending to be whistle whistleblowers right

are we sure this isn't Jack Ruby? Kind of looks similar. Yeah, he does. I think there might even be a theory that he's like Alex Jones' dad or something. He looks like Alex Jones, too. But Bill Hicks is really his son. I mean, you go on 4chan, there's all these schizo posts.

I do also like all these guys. I feel like there's always a kind of a thing where it's a bob laser where they're like this guy worked for the Pentagon he knows about the aliens also he got arrested a lot because he'd go to gay like ballrooms and beat the shit out of himself in the bathroom like

liar liar yeah there's always yeah I'm kicking my gay ass there's always like some weird like one I do think like there's like a 50 50 where they are being truthful There's always like some weird, like one, I do think like there's like a 50-50 where they are being truthful, but there is like some insidious like, yeah, he beat a lot lizard to death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now he's in jail. I have to admit, this is the funniest aspect of this whole thing is that this is on a website called Celebrating Being Zimbabwean. Was he, did he claim Zimbabwean roots?

I really have no idea what that means. What if that's somehow the only place his show was big? Somehow it was getting brought to. He's like the sugar man. He's like Alex Jones sugar man. Yeah, just somewhere in Zimbabwe, there's guys with like just a hubcap pointed at the sky being like, I love this show.

He told us who shot JFK. R.I.P. Bill Cooper. He told me who shot JFK and who JFK was. So this all talks about Bill Cooper demystifying the 9-11 bombings. Hold on. Am I way off here about when he died? Demystifying. I wonder when did Bill Cooper die?

Bill Cooper death. I wonder if I'm completely wrong about when this guy died. He died in 2001. Oh, so he died right after 9-11. That's interesting. I thought he died in the 90s. That's amazing. Yeah, interesting. So he got to see The Matrix. That's pretty cool. That's interesting. I thought he died in the 90s. That's amazing. Yeah,

interesting. So he got to see The Matrix. That's pretty cool. That is awesome, yeah. He got to see, mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, he saw The Matrix and he goes, you know what? I'm gonna die like that. Yeah. I'm gonna get shot by a bunch of federal agents.

He, Ben, when the sheriff came to his town and he held up the gun, Bill Cooper went like this and then just blew through his hand and his head. He's in leather trying to do a flip

and breaks his neck. Yeah, at least he got to see Can't Hardly Wait, American Pie. You get to see all the classics. And then the IRS just shot him to death. Yep. I did not know the IRS shows up armed. Yeah.

Well, they sent the sheriff's department. That's right, the sheriff's. He was killed by Tommy Lee Jones. So this website is called The Patriot. And under that, the log line for it or whatever, it says celebrating being zimbabwean i have no idea what this means i don't know this seems like a perfect site for you though yeah i mean i'm clicking on the header to see if like anything happens yeah it's like a

magga guy living in zimbabwe it's like john candy and cool runnings yeah he's got a he's got to train the first jamaican racist broadcast team i'm training the first jamaican conspiracy theory team right he's like i train him and i ship him right to ben shapiro we've run out of conservative black guys in america so i've gone overseas to scout new black guys to be conservative pundits. Ben, scroll up. Extremely cool runnings. Jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. The water is making the frogs gay. They're putting sandboxes in kids' classrooms because they identify as cuts.

We need to kill Dylan Mulvaney. I love how wacky Zimbabwean guys will dress. They really go for it. They look good. I like that yellow. They look great. They look like they're cheering for Lemon Party right now. They're cheering us on, yeah. Yeah, like we're doing a live broadcast and the Patriot guys show up.

These are the Patriot editors. Professor Pufukwa. Pufukwa. Pufukwa. And then Christian Mutsukowika. It looks like Morpheus and then Neo. It's amazing. Look at these guys. They've been trained in castration.

Right. He offers you two pills, but they're both for HIV. Mm-hmm. They're both Pilano's pill. One of them's for HIV. They're both Bono's pill. One of them's for HIV. The other one filters your water.

These guys are awesome, man. Oh, they have reporters, too. Patience Roussari. I don't know if you guys have read a Ugandan newspaper online or something like that. No.

Have you ever like read the news? You know, I recently stopped doing that. Yeah, it's just bad for my mental health. It just was not good for me. The news is just so depressing, especially in Uganda. Right, Uganda. You're like, ah, another virgin baby raped. Another roof made of severed arms.

Like, I can't believe General Buck Naked won the Senate of Uganda. I used to go to these Uganda websites because they're digitized now. You don't have to get it delivered to your front door. Yeah, they got the internet a couple years ago. You don't if the mailman doesn't come up with your milk and your Ugandan times. A guy riding a bicycle from Africa. He comes out of the ocean on a bicycle. Oh, covered in starfishes and seaweed and stuff.

Covered in kelp and shit. Like the ants from James and the Giant Peach. No, he had to like that Afghani airport thing when people are holding on to the airplane he like held on to an airplane with one copy with one copy of the newspaper just over the ocean just holding on the whole time right and he goes it's worth it i made four dollars which will yeah he doesn't have to work for for 40 years. I'm not the richest man in Uganda. The Ugandan newspapers are crazy because the front page, it'll say that there are witches on the loose. And then I'll read the story.

And I swear to God, it'll say a witch stole a local man's penis. And it's gone and he's looking for it. And it'll show a guy like this. And it'll say, so be on the lookout for witches because they're out and they're stealing men's penises right now. That's the whole story. Yeah, it's on the news. They have their Brian Williams like a new show but that's that's really not even that far from what we have right i mean people are now saying there's litter boxes and classrooms and kids are like going poop and pee in them yeah it's it's just as insane yeah

none no no news is real anywhere no uganda walked so we could crawl, or Uganda crawled so we could walk. That's right. Yeah, like they're doing one story that's like Alvin Madan Zambara is gay. And that's the front page of the Ugandan Times. And then Trump models his, how he gives people news based on Uganda Times. He's running on Ron DeSantis being Lil D.

Right, yeah, he's like, he's like,onnie he stole a man's penis he's he did witchcraft and he stole a penis he's a witch he's a witch he ate the penis do you really want to elect a man that can make your peepee go bye-bye peepee go bye-bye i wonder if i could find the uganda times now I think it was Uganda. It was one of them. Which, by the way, I'm not like... Do you remember when Netflix said, here are the top comedians in every country in the world?

And then they had a... They put like... For like United States of America, it was like four. Canada, it was four people. They would do four people for each country in the world. And then one country Netflix just listed was Africa. And then they put four people. They didn't put a comic? Africa. And then they put four people.

They didn't put a comic? Well, no, they put four people, but they put the country of Africa. They just put Africa. And their comics were like, number one, Trevor Noah, number two, The Crow. Well, you have to wonder why their logo's a big N. That one's just for you, bud. you that was that was just for you right right into your veins ben i'm gonna type in just like that cola which which penis uh i'm gonna have to find what country it was because i think it was because some of them are more some of the countries are more uh developed than like they don't believe in they don't believe like little like homunculi or like running around and like

crawling up your asshole and turning you gay and stuff they're like much more they're much smarter than that yeah in south africa they're not into the i think like sir there's other like senegal i think there's like there there's there's decent places in africa besides south africa no senegal is awesome. I think you just go swimming all day in the ocean. Yeah, it's just nice. Isn't that Senegalese food? That's the one where they slap that wet thing of dough, and that's how they eat?

I think that's Somalian food, where they give you bread that looks like a burn victim's skin. And you have to put your hand in water and slap it? Yeah, or something like that. You have to pretend it's gay and hit it. Mm-hmm. Every episode, I'm like, man, we were really racy that one. And then Ben's like, all right, we're going to do Africa today. We're doing Africa today. We're doing Africa.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess I have some sort of filter on now. But I used to, I read it for a few months, and I was like, this is amazing. And I just can't. Unfortunately, I guess I'm too insensitive to remember the exact country it was. Katie, put a filter on your computer to make you less retarded. Yeah. To stop reading the Uganda Times.

There's a filter specifically for if you see your kid becoming an incel, like a 4chan guy, you can put it on. Oh, I don't know. I'm, like, in kids mode right now on my computer. I have no idea. Right. You try to look up boobs and a big skull with bones comes across the screen. Oh, man. But that's what they think over there. And hey, if you think,

if you don't like it, then you can leave. Then you can marginalize them here and you can shame them for being where they're from. I like it. I'm with it. I do too. I support it.

Keep it up. I mean, what are they supposed, are they supposed to be like the- Have some fun with the news. What are they, what is the news supposed to be, real? Well, it seems they have two options. It's either that or they come over here and they fake hate crime the guy from, you know, that TV show.

They did not fake hate crime him. They just wanted some work. Jesse found them on Upwork. What's his name again? Jesse Smollett. And somehow he got away with it. He never went to prison or anything. Yeah, he got away with the whole thing.

Faked a huge hate crime. Remarkable. You got to give it up, actually. Respect. Respect to him. Yeah, yeah. I also love that he faked it around getting Subway, which is pretty funny. The most deranged part of the story was that he was at a Subway at 3 a.m.

Most unbelievable part of the story. Yeah, he's like, I'm a famous actor. You know us. We go to Subway at 3 a.m. Yeah, of the story yeah he's like i'm a famous actor you know us we go to subway at 3 a.m yeah that's what we do yeah yeah we eat the worst food in the world at the most despicable time of the night what was the show he was on he's on one of those like black shows where it's higher empire power it's just called like strong empire power it's called not gay it's called big yeah we're not gay don't worry about it it's called capital letters yeah yeah the whole the whole show is just about a guy wearing a suit and going like that yeah just buff just

getting out of his suit that's the whole show's a guy being like i gotta get out of this hurts rent a car i gotta start my own beeper business so it's like that i gotta i gotta start my own bluetooth headset business i gotta start my own t-shirt company and the t-shirts they all say hands up don't shoot that is the biggest fans of guys like like 50 cent and jay-z or guys like that is what like like jay-z's like like jay-z's great but the people that like worship jay-z are guys that like frame their bachelor's degree and they like think they're an entrepreneur because they work at like men's warehouse and they have to like wear

a suit and they do and they have a bluetooth still right yeah and they do say they're like see i'm in the empire building business it's like you make 45 000 a year i'm in the empire business it's guys it's guys that wear their suits to gold's gym and then change and work out and then change back into a suit and it smells like shit. They change back into a suit to go to sleep at night. And you hear their phone buzz with the Postmates alert and they accept

an order. And when they accept an order, they go, see, that's another chunk in my empire. That's another brick in my castle right there. Have you ever had a guy that looks like he's doing way too well to deliver food or drive uber like a guy where he's like driving a really nice really nice car he's got really nice clothes on but he's just picking up sushi for you usually armenian yeah well yeah yeah i've had that i've had that a lot of course

i'm fine we all knew who i was thinking of. I'm Armenian. Yeah. We're fine shitting on Armenians. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. I have that with Uber drivers a lot. I had a guy pick me up from, like, I was going to LAX, and the guy picked me up, and he was like, he was from England, black guy from England, like, wearing a fancy, like, tie

and everything. Like Don Cheadle style? Don Cheadle style type. Yeah, exactly. It was slow tie. He's a British rapper. He was in the grime scene. And he goes, pick it up.

Oh, like Skepta? All that shitty grimes rap. You get in this car, it's like, oi, hey, what's up, hey. Kwonakofa. That guy, that's a new archetype that's not really exercised as much, but then I saw Bullet Train and I was like, oh, those guys are making a comeback which guys the guys they're like oh I'm I'm black right oh everything I say is funny yeah yeah like cockney like the

wild man yeah yeah yeah British people stink they have no fucking identity they had the whole fucking country they had this whole country and they lost it yeah they couldn't hide behind a tree the whole world the whole fucking world you lost it because they don't know how to hide behind a tree we just killed them with like pots and pans you know mel gibson and like yeah mel gibson was just throwing like knives at him yeah like oi mate they go that's not how you fought a war they're australian they go hey they basically are though because they came from there yeah australians are just british people that fermented yeah yeah they're like uh scoba english people you can put them in a jar and make kombucha

they're they're the inbred hopeless bastards of britain yeah essentially yeah and uh some other countries which is hilarious to say inbred like there's a distinction between british and australian right yeah yeah well well what happened was is they from what i understand the british government uh was really racist and wanted to colonize australia and they wanted to colonize australia but they wanted to make it a white place sure and they didn't like that there were black people on the continent there so they uh so i believe the term is an ethno state so they sent they would go to families and they would go you have a nine-year-old and a one-year-old this nine-year-old and this

one-year-old is never going to get along yeah uh because of the age gap so we're gonna take your nine year old from you and we're gonna take him to a place thousands of miles away and we're gonna molest him a bunch and then when he's 18 he's gonna get out of this boy's home and he's gonna drink so much he goes insane and he just like climbs a tree and learns how to make his own liquor and and eat uh poisonous fish and that british guy was gandhi yeah uh australia is like they're like what if we made england more retarded just in the middle of the ocean i like australia more than like i like australian media more

than all british shit it's they're just more americanized they they're just they seem cooler to me yeah they're fun they're just fun yeah british people i just don't get the gloom and the the boring green hills and the just it just sucks to me yeah yeah they got a hell of a mcdonald's over there sure yeah they go over there and they're like yeah you know all fast food it's like you know eel in a sauce they're like fast they like they love you in a sauce with like mashed potatoes british people yeah yeah they like boil pizza i think they do like very strange shit they're hillbillies they call it takeaway food they don't call it fast food yeah right they always have to

do some dumb garage it's garage yeah in the queue it the queue, it's a line. It's a line. God damn it. It's the friend that always has to put a spin on something. They're hillbillies. Like, if you watch Deliverance, the scene when they get raped, if you just gave them British accents, it would make just as much sense. Yeah.

Their royal family, it's like it's a known thing that they all just bang each other. Yeah. If you threw Ned Beatty over there, they'd be like, this is the prettiest their royal family, it's like it's a known thing that they all just bang each other. Yeah, yeah. If you threw Ned Beatty over there, they'd be like, this is the prettiest woman we've ever seen. They'd make Ned Beatty queen.

Yeah, they'd be like, this is like a supermodel. You guys have these everywhere? We all had to pretend Princess Diana was like fucking amazing looking. Yeah. That bull dyke. She looked like a humanized big bird, kind of. Yeah. That bull dyke. She looked like a humanized

big bird, kind of. Yeah, she did. Princess Diana kind of looked like she drank water by pecking at it. Yeah. You could tell she was going to get really fat, too. And that's why she married a non-white. So it would work out in the long term. That is true. Hey, they come from a racist

family. It's not me saying that. Diana was having an affair with like Riz Ahmed or something, right? Yeah. Yep, that's right. Princess Diana was saying goodbye to Aziz Ansari. Yeah. They crashed because Riz went deaf in that tunnel. Couldn't hear all the horns.

Yeah, then what was the lie they said? Because they killed her, but then they told, it was like, oh, Perez Hilton killed her. They said there was like, they're like, oh, Perez Hilton killed her. They said there was like, oh, there was a cat that ran in front of the car and exploded. The cat blew up and the car flipped a bunch. They're like, there was an Irish leprechaun

that got her. Those damn Irish. But somehow it looked like the opening scene in Punch Trunk Love when the car just flips down. They got in a simple accident. Somehow flipped the car 85 times. Yeah.

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Oh, my God, they just bombed the Ho Chi Minh Trail. British people do kind of rock. Like, I was watching... I've been trying to get into... I've been trying to open my third eye a little bit. I've been trying to, like... You know, I'm trying to be more cultured. Yeah.

So, I'm getting into international muck banging. Okay. So... International. So, I've been watching, like, fat muck bangers okay so so i've been watching like uh fat muckbangers in britain right what's interesting is we're accustomed in here in america to a certain there's a certain threshold here to being a retard there it's it's much much much higher. Or I guess lower. Lower.

They don't have as much tolerance. That's right. Because the retards over there, they go, all right, we're going to do a mukbang. And they're like, it's a guy like maybe 90 pounds overweight, which I can't work with that. No, it's not funny enough. I can look out my window and see someone fatter than you.

Commit. Commit to the bit, you limey fuck. But there, that's a biggin'. Right. That's a monster over there. And then before, they go, all right, we got all this Tony's takeaway. And they're breathing like that.

So I'm like, okay, I got the breaths a little bit, like the heavy stuff. But then their friend that they're eating with is like kind of skinny, and he breathes like that too. They just all have fucked up nasal things over there. So then I'm like- It's from all the headbutting.

They've all been headbutted at least like 30 times. They all punch each other in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before they eat for the mukbanging, they had like a 30- minute conversation going around the table because they were like eating is about like family and like community and stuff and then they had like a pretty decent like thoughtful just discussion about like life and friendship for 30 minutes and then they're like all right let's eat and then they just the guy ate like three plates of Chinese food.

And people were like, in the comments, people were like, I've never seen someone eat this much food. This is crazy. This is nuts. And you as an American, you're like, I see this anytime I go to a Golden Corral. Yeah. This is pretty much it. This is not as worse as a Golden Corral, but also like this, what you guys call mukbangs over there could over here be an intellectual

podcast. Right. This could be a dark web, like an intellectual dark web podcast. Yeah, like a Sam Harris sit down, you know. They're just a little smarter. Their retards over there are actually thoughtful. Just a guy stuffing his face with crab rangoon has more to say than like, you know, the average like red pill show.

They're more inquisitive. They like want to know why they're retarded. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do love how all those English people, they get fat in only one way, which is you took a normal fat person and roller pinned his legs up. So it's just a fucking...

They look like a sperm cell. They get really fat in their neck. Yeah, they get more fat in their head than their ass. The skinnier legs though, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The skinny legs, no ass, and then just a fucking swelling like turkey leg type of look. There's something, some chemical they don't allow in the food over there that we do that

makes, it gives these people these like huge legs. It seems like the fat people there sleep upside down. Yeah. Like bats. Yeah, and it all goes to their head. Fat people there have fat ears. They have fat eyelids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They have fat teeth. They have fat everything. Their ears have psoriasis. Their head got so fat it pushed all the hair out. That's why they're all bald. Yeah. They're stab proof. They do.

They kind of look like that. Remember when they were like, we've designed a human that can survive a car wreck? And it was that fucked up big guy with the big head and neck. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what English people look like. But here in the States. Right.

And they just go, go oh i love me i love me family i got the missus and it's it's a woman from a roll doll but he's like oh i love you dear and then they go my little daughter my queen and it's like a fucking it's like jersey shore girl but she's in blackface from all the self-tanner that she's doing. And he's like my son, and it's like a little fucked up retarded kid. Yeah, it's like a French bulldog. Yeah, he's got like gecko eyes just kind of like swirling around his head.

They live in like a mossy shed at the top of a hill. Yeah, and they're like, you racist Americans are all uncivilized, and they're like beating the shit out of like, packies and shit like that. And it's like, you guys, you guys fucking wanted an ethnostate. You wanted like a whole, you wanted a whole continent to be white people.

They started the whole thing. Yeah. Imagine a bunch of dominoes as racism. They were the ones that were like, let's just hit this over. And they did, and it started everything. And they're kind of worse because they were doing what we're doing now, but with

ships. It took 15 years. That was the Jews, actually. They're devotion. This is the YouTube ad. Take it a little easy on the YouTube. I've been watching some black Israelite videos on the YouTube. I've been watching some black Israelite videos and some websites.

Yeah, you really, we are going to curtail whatever you're watching so we don't get demonetized. Because unfortunately it's a cable. If you consume something, it's coming out of your mouth the minute we hit record. I like how their racism was so steadfast.

They were like, all we got to do is make it over this Indian Ocean. It'll take maybe a year. But once we get there, we can really put our knees on the necks, you know? Yeah, they're like, I just, you know what? I think I'm going to dedicate a quarter of my life

to go being racist somewhere. They're like, I know it's the 1650s and I only live to 45, but what if I spent half of that just abducting 500 people? You know how you know they're way more racist than Americans? They have two N-words there

because they have the A-word also. What is the A? Oh, for Aboriginal people. Oh, you're talking about Australia, right? Yeah, but they sent them there and started, they're fucking British. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They are British. Yeah.

I think people in Britain claim Australia as like their country, right? Yeah, well, just because they want like one hot person. So they're like Australia counts. Yeah, yeah. They're like, it's the only country that like allowed other people in. So they have like really cool mixed people.

Right. You know. Teeth that are like lined up. Yeah, like Australia is cool because there are, they have all really cool mixed people right you know teams that are like lined up yeah like Australia is cool cuz there are they have all the types of people America has there's like a hot this person mixed with a bunch you know what I mean Britain I don't feel like you have that as much he's got like black British people Indian British people and then just just disgusting pale white guys just monsters yeah yeah monsters. Yeah. But the fake taxi is good. I'm a fan of the fake taxi.

Fake taxi is great. What's fake taxi? It's a porn website. Nice. We referenced it on the last episode. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the classic case where, you know, she's in the taxi and then... It is fun because they'll show a little bit of footage of them just talking in the taxi. You think it's... You're like,

this could be a real ride. Oh, does he have the beaded seat? It's just like a lady gets in and he's driving and he just asks her where she's from, how's it going? And they take their time because British people love, you know, monotony and being boring. Sure. It kind of worked for the porn because it kind of tricks you into thinking, oh, this is real amateur shit. And then he goes like, we like a little tradition here love where you know if you get in a taxi for the first time in anything if you show me your knockers it's the whole ride's

free and then she's like all like bashful like and then she eventually does and then it turns into him her like eating his ass and it's it's really good like like fucking her into the seat and it's great because it's just like, it's not like a porn video where it's like some like hunk guy. No, it's just, yeah, it's just like somebody's dad. It's just like a guy that runs a pub. He just looks like your average guy.

Yeah, and they like pull off in the woods and they stop. He's like, all right, we're going to have a bit of a fucking tug. And then he just pulls out like a normal guy's like a stomach and everything he's like all right suck my four and a half inch penis it's really the everyman's board nice he plants a flag and her pussy at the end that rocks yeah that's good yeah he goes for the queen

that's every guy in england before they come they go for the queen for the queen her majesty I like that I like that they make stuff people can relate to they don't want to suspend their what is it called disbelief or they don't want to they don't want it to be too nuts they want it to just be they just want to

wank because that's what they call it they call it wanking they want to wank because they have to change everything it. They call it wanking. Yeah, they call it wanking. They want to wank because they have to change everything. Which is what you call it if you have a systematically small penis. Yeah, if you look down

and it looks like the head of a bullfrog. You say I'm a wanker. Yeah, they might as well call it, oh, let me suck your itty bitty. It just sounds pathetic. Wank sounds like you're trying to pull more penis out of your body. You're stretching it.

You're like, I'm trying to yank it. I'm trying to wank it out. Not like me, dog. I stroke my shit. We stroke our shit. We stroke our shit in America. Motherfucker. And then over there, it's just like, oh, I just want

to wank on me. We did a part here to some fat bloke getting his wanker walked off. The English guys are built like that way where they have to like angle their stomach out of the way to jack off. Yeah. You feel like they just take their wedding ring off

and they fuck it. Yeah. What wedding ring off did you make? They have to two hand. They have to one hand. They have to push their pubic bone fat down and the other hand fucking jerk off their tiny little. Yeah, yeah. Their wedding ring doubles as a cock ring.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. That's why John Lennon had married Yoko. Is because she was Asian? Yeah. It's because he's a white loser and white losers love annoying Asian women. They're the only ones that'll fuck them. It's so funny. He had so much money, but still was a white loser and white losers love annoying Asian women. They're the only ones that'll fuck them. It's so funny. He had so much money but still was a white loser.

At the end of the day, big white loser. He was worth like a hundred million. He's like, give me the woman with the worst ass ever made. Give me the ugliest woman and most untalented woman in America who will break up the best band of all time. Give me the only ugly

Asian woman in America. Just like the LeBron of all time. Give me the only ugly Asian woman in America. Just like the LeBron of destroying greatness. I thought she was more talented than all four of the Beatles, actually. The way she did this at the side of John Lennon like that.

The way she did that where she's kissing him. Oh, in the... In the Anne Leibovitz photo that they took. The way she did that, where she's kissing him. Oh, in the... In the Anne Lebowitz photo that they took. I think they took that the day before he got shot. Here's how untalented she is. In that photo, John Lennon's doing that pose. Yeah, John Lennon's doing that. You tried to pretend to like Yoko

and give her credit for something. Oh, shit, that's right. It's John. Oh, my God. This is how untalented she is. You tried to pretend she was good and still couldn't think of a thing. You still failed with it.

To make up. Because that's a genius thing to do. It's like a weird fetus-y, primate-y, moomy thing. He knows what he's doing. Yeah. She just sat there like a cadaver. She's like a game of backgammon. Yeah.

Yeah, just laying there. What were they doing? Wasn't that when they were just going to sit in bed to protest or something? It was the sleep-in for world peace. That's right. They were sleeping in the bed to end war. And that's because they're big Sam Hyde fans. They're like, we're sleeping in bed until Sam makes world peace, too.

They're like, until they let Mr. Hyde back on a dog swim, we are going to protest. Yeah. Yoko's like, we hate Tim Hyde-ecker. I don't know why I'm making her. I'm all over the place with accents. With the accents, yeah. It's me, Yoko's like, we hate Tim Heidecker. I don't know why I'm making her. I'm all over the place with accents. It's me, Yoko Ono. We just start doing Asian voice. Mark David Chapman was trying to kill Judd Apatow.

And Brett Gelman. He's on his way to kill Brett Gelman. He shot John Lennon and then sat down and read that Sam Hyde. How to Bomb the US Government. He read that uh sam hyde like how to bomb the u.s government yeah he read that get a copy of that oh yeah there's a there's a photo i saw the other day of them doing the sleep in for world peace and there's a photo of them standing on the side of the room so the maids can like clean the bed and change the sheets and everything while they're doing while they're saving the world.

That's a funny, funny thing. Yeah. So, yes. Well, you know, he got he got what was coming to him. Yeah. Maybe he was shot by his mate. It is. I mean, he was he destroyed Harry Nielsen's career.

Did you know that? No. How? Harry Nielsen. What? You know, great singer, songwriter. John Lennon became really big friends with him, basically encouraged him to really up his binge drinking. Why?

Because he's a fucking asshole. Yeah. That's awful. He also beat his wife. He neglected his first kid. He was a huge woman beater, and he couldn't drive. He almost killed multiple people in car crashes a few times. So he identified with Asians.

He was... God damn it. Yeah, that's why he married Yoko. He married her so she could drive. But yeah, no, he was... One of those guys was like so... Just such a genius, couldn't do anything else right but do music.

Sure, sure. But sucked at every other aspect of life. The song Beautiful Boy, he wrote it about his first son. He just didn't give a fuck about him, basically abandoned him. And then Paul McCartney wrote Hey Jude about him, about his son. Sean? One of them. The one that is known now that does the fracking anthems and stuff?

I could not tell you. Is he half Asian and half white? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, this is the other one. The other one, the first son. So Paul was like trying to raise John's kids through music. I'll just play the bass at him.

That'll make up for the abandonment issues. And then John Lennon wrote the song beautiful boy for his next song because he was not because he loved his son but he was like fuck paul like you're gonna write a song for my son i don't take care of and then he wrote a beautiful boy okay oh interesting but harry what he did with harry nielsen was he they were doing a recording and then he told harry he goes you can't do the scratchy voice as good as i can like the twist and shout like that type of voice and he made nielsen keep going again and again and it basically fucked up his vocal cords for

the rest of his life and he like he lost that like angelic um singing voice that he had yeah interesting damn that is like some subtle sabotage like he kind of knew what he was doing yeah interesting why was john lennon was such a white loser like a white loser had to kill him it's interesting like a white loser was like no i'm the king i'm the king of being a white loser yeah it is kind of true yeah he got like killed by himself yeah yeah he got killed by he got like uh he got like uh assassination of uh jesse james Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford a little bit. It was kind of like that, yeah. Like Selena's, you know,

the friend that started running her fan club killed her. It was kind of one of those. But I think John Lennon was killed. I think that guy was taken by the CIA. Oh, you think it was like an MK thing? I do, actually, yeah. There's a really good book on it that I don't remember the name of

and I've never read, but I've heard people talk about it. And it's really good, yeah. I pass it off as if I've done a lot of research on it. No, sure. I have those opinions, too. Yeah, of course. I go, chaos, but the Manson,

I'm like, it's great, never read it. Don't know anything about it. The 70s, right? It's called adulthood, bub. It's the only way to get by. No, what's a pun in time in Hollywood? Yeah, I know what you're talking about with Manson. But what I do know is in the book,

the guy went missing for like a week. Mark David Chapman did? There's no record of him for like a week and then just showed up and killed John Lennon. One of those. So he's a time traveler. And that was the heyday. That was the heyday of them taking people off the streets

and doing like programs. John Hinckley Jr. Yeah, that was when they loved that shit. They don't do that anymore. I really felt like Trump would have gotten an assassination attempt or something just because everyone thought he was so bad, according to everybody. So I was like, if he's so bad, why wouldn't he get killed?

He went after the CIA. I've never heard a president go after the CIA. They still didn't do anything. They would have killed him with Guy Fieri or something like that. He would have been assassinated by a guy in a Salt Life t-shirt. Exactly. Guy Fieri poisons his bourbon ribs they really would have just hired a guy

like a 22 year old community college dropout who looks like the Hawaiian punch mascot yeah that's who would assassinate Donald Trump a guy saving up enough money to become homeless in Hawaii he goes once I get 4k brother would assassinate Donald Trump. A guy saving up enough money to become homeless in Hawaii. He goes, once I get 4K, brother,

I'm going to be sleeping on beaches all night. That is a guy, too. There's so many guys that think moving to Hawaii will just solve it all. They think you could just live on the beach. I don't think that's how it works. They beat you. They hate you. They hate you.

Yeah, they send like Moana to like kick your ass. Lilo and Stitch just fucking curb stop you. Yeah, Stitch is just like fucking just ripping necks out of homeless people on the beach.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. They send a guy, I know this is a completely different country, but they send a guy just going to hotata, hotata. Don't give a qualifier. Just do it.

They know we're fucking retards anyway. Yeah, they send like the Rock's dad to go kick your ass. There they probably do throw you like in a volcano if you're homeless. There's a law in Hawaii that you can't lie down on the sidewalks. I know they hate homeless people that much. Wow. How's my wife going to get laid?

What were you saying? That doesn't make sense. Or she lays on her back and just waits for someone to trip. How does your gal go get dick? she ties herself to a street pole retard sorry devin that was cringe you're cringe this podcast is like cringe she ties herself to it is funny if you're a woman and you want to get laid, just go bury your head in this ground and pull your pants down and wait five minutes.

Anything. If you're a woman and you want to get laid, take a walk alone at night. Jesus. No, that's what I'm saying. It's so easy for women to get laid. Sometimes they get laid when they don't want to at all. It is true. And back in the day, they get laid when they don't want to at all

And back in the day they made songs about like what's that song by Patsy Cline where it's like walking after midnight I go out walking after that's a song about a woman wanting to get raped I'm walking through alleys in the darkness Cuz I got a man staring at me cause I got a rape king don't want it to happen but I kinda do I can't be open and honest about my

rape king it's 1958 I'm going walking after midnight man it really sucks cause everybody

you had to live behind a wall then but imagine but I'm saying like imagine you were so like your life you were so good at like getting laid that you're just like walking to get groceries and all of a sudden somebody's fucking you yeah you just you you drop an orange and you bend over to pick it up and a penis is inside me okay just gonna wait here a couple minutes. All right. And I'm back on my way.

Sorry, what were you going to say? Oh, well, the 50s is interesting to me because it's like men were, their dads were like World War II veterans who saw their friends get their heads torn in half with like vices and gassed by chemical weapons. Crazy stuff. World War II.

They saw a guy holding all his guts and going like, I don't think I'm going to be okay. Doing that stuff where how people actually die where they're like, I can't put it back in. Yeah, mommy.

In the movies, it's all like, tell mom I love her. But in real life, it's all, you know, it's all like, oh, tell mom I love her. But in real life, it's like, stick it in me. It's just a guy going, eh,

shove a grenade in my mouth. Just shove a grenade in my mouth. Get it over with. Yeah. Because you know, they all like went home. They're like, your son died on Normandy.

And they're like, what were his final words? And they're like, they're like in their head. It was just him going like, eh, it feels like I got shit in my pussy.

I have to pee. I'm sorry. I've been holding it in. That's so fucked. It's from the Inca call. Because you're drinking pee. His brain is shutting down. Oh, sure.

It's like turning off. Uh, I feel like I have shit in my pussy. And then they're like, he said he loved you he died with no fear in his heart and he said that

his kingdom was not of this earth but in heaven and then actually he's like oh there's poop coming out of my mouth for some reason cause I was shot in the dick and now poop's coming out of my mouth and it tastes like shit and there's blood in it he said he loved you Edna and he wanted you to have a great life and

remember him. And in reality, it's just him holding his guts going like, it looks like spaghetti. Dude, if I was in that movie, Tarantino's first film, Reservoir Dogs, would have went totally different if I was Mr. Orange. Yeah. If I got shot, I'd be crying the whole movie. Yeah, the Tim Roth character. Wait, it's Mr. Orange, right?

I think so. That's Tim Roth. Yeah, yeah. Laying there, I'd be crying the whole movie. Like, it's freaking sick! I'm in pain! Eh! Yeah.

It's just them trying to have these great lines of dialogue with Mr mr pink and mr blonde right i'm just like my tummy my fucking tummy dude yeah it's mr pink going like stay cool jack because we got to figure out what happened so we know who we're going to and you're just Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I got blood on my... I got blood on my dick. Fuck. It's, like, all dry and sticky now. I want to, like, take a shower or something. Does anybody have, like, wet wipes?

Because I think the blood is in my ass. Yeah. There would be... I'd be shouting over that guy getting his... That guy would ask Mr. Blonde to get his ears cut off so he could stop hearing me bitch about being shot. He'd be like... Yeah, because the guy does kind of talk like that in the movie.

The guy gets his ear cut off. He does. And you think, You fucked that guy. He'd be like, Cut it off. I can't hear him. I was saying in Reservoir Dogs, if I was Mr. Orange, I'd be crying like a bitch the whole time if I was shot.

And then no one could get out any of these amazing lines of dialogue. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give it up, fuck! Fuck! The part where we are in the bit now is we said the guy would want to get his ears cut off because I'm bitching so loud. He would ask Mr. Bln to cut his ears off. Yeah, Michael Madsen goes,

cut the other one off too. Yeah, Michael Madsen cuts his own ears off. You're in the car, Harvey Keitel just starts going like, you're really gay. You're gonna be real gay. You're really gay. Say the goddamn words,

I am gay. That's one of the most amazing scenes. By the way, you know that scene where he's, I don't know why I'm saying this, but when Mr. Pink is running, because you never see the bank robbery in that movie. Yeah. When Mr. Pink's running down that street, that's right there, that main strip in Highland Park, which is funny to think about now, because he's running from the cops in that scene, and he gets hit by the cop car

and goes into the windshield and falls and empties a clip into the cops. Yeah, while the camera comes around him from behind. It's cool. It's just cool to see Tarantino get to be Tarantino for the first time and you can imagine how excited he is and stuff. It's just cool.

It's like he's running in like gritty LA, but now he would be running by like my pink pussy pen shop and like typewriter repair store running past like a home state and yeah sweet green where people are just waiting in line with like a nine dollar yeah it's a it's a record store slash pho shop no no mr pink would run would push mark maron out of the way to get away from the cops. Hey, man, are we cool? He runs by him and goes, do we have a thing?

Just pushing Jason Segel and his Tinder date with huge tits out of the way. I saw that a couple times. He always was on dates with ladies with huge cans. Jason Segel? Yeah, it would be like, I'd be in a coffee shop in Highland Park, Jason Segel would be next to me. Lady with huge cans jason siegel yeah it would be like i'd be in a coffee shop in highland park jason siegel would be next to me uh lady with huge cans i mean some of the biggest

canes you've ever seen that's awesome and then like bobcat goldthwait would walk in wearing a cowboy hat bobcat goldthwait would like you'd see him in a highland park dress like doug demidome wearing the biggest cowboy i swear to god you would see him in a cowboy hat this fucking tall where like dude like like he looks like lloyd christmas walking out of a gas station yeah like if you wore that hat in the old West, they'd be like, you're kind of gay, Pilgrim. Hat's a little too big for the Old West.

I never made fun, because I liked his writing routine. He goes in a hotel room, so he knows he's on the clock. He's paying for the hotel room, so he has to finish a script. But then he'll write a script in like three days. I'm like, I think that's too quick. Who? Bobcat.

Oh, okay. Because he makes films. But he made that movie where that guy kills a bunch of people and it's really funny. God Bless America? Yeah, I liked that.

World's Greatest Dad, I think, is even better than God Bless America. God Bless America is not a very good movie. It's a great concept, though. But it's awesome

just to see him killing people on America's Got Talent. There's a lot of people like us that we saw that we go god damn it i've wanted to do this i've wanted to make something like this exactly yeah yeah bobcat's one of those guys where you agree with the premise maybe not so much like the execution sure yeah a lot of the movies like 45 minutes and i'm like i get it great idea but i don't really care anymore about the you know the relationships or anything right i like that he like shits on seinfeld but at the same time he's the you know the guy who did the retard voice yeah wasn't it from police academy police

academy basically his career was like doing derpa derpa yeah basically yeah he went on stage hey you guys it's me i'm retarded i got hit by a train and it was 1984 so they're like, here's $500,000. Yeah. You know. Literally like you're a person with a microphone. I went pee-pee in my pants. And then he would do, wouldn't he do impressions of people? And then all of a sudden he would do like a perfect impression of somebody or something? Or is that too sophisticated? You're thinking of Andy Kaufman. No, no, no. But didn't Bobcat,

wouldn't he go into like an amazing impression or something? Or i don't know i think he just did the retard guy thing they were the only two guys then doing retard guy thing except well i guess yakov smirnoff was a retard guy too he's a retarded russian guy well but he was pretending to be he's like in my country i'm a fucking retard and here i am too that was the whole that was his thing that was the whole thing but now what's interesting yakov has gone back to school. He went to, he like went back to school to Pepperdine. Okay. And for the last 30 years, he's been getting like every master's degree you can get.

He has like nine master's degrees. I think he's trying to prove to everybody he's not an idiot. Right. Like, yeah, no one. No one thought you doing comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, good for... No one thought you doing comedy, man. Yeah. Well, good for him.

I think his license plate... I saw him once. His license plate says Yakov. You sure that's him or a fan? That's me. Wait, what? You're just that? That's you? That's my black guy.

Sorry, that's my car. Yeah. Big fan. Yeah, Yakov fan one. My custom car. I guess he's still getting those Yeah. Big fan. Yeah, Yakov fan one. My custom car. I guess he's still getting those residual checks from Dangerfields. What would he do? He would just go up and be like, Mother Russia.

What was his thing? I remember one joke of his. He goes, you know, America, what a country. He always said, what a country. He goes, what a country. In America, you watch TV. In Russia, TV watch you. It's always those type

of jokes that's good yeah in America you molest baby in Russia baby fuck you his comedy so bad that's why we're sending money to Ukraine yeah it would be great to turn on the news and just like Yakov's on the front lines yeah just

bombing bombing Zelensky Zelensky's gonna be the new yakov he'll be here in like three years oh sure he'll be performing at the mothership that's uh but see you had you had talent back then at the comedy store like yakov smirnoff due to uh mitzi shore and her incredible eye for comedy. Yeah, who definitely wasn't just a cocaine addict with way too much power. I swear to God, you go to,

we've talked about this, you go to the comedy store and they have all the names of people who passed. And they will have like Rodney Dangerfield and Sam Kinison, but they also have a guy called the Fat Doctor who you look up and he exploded on stage one day in 1987 yeah there's pictures of guys where they're it's just their head sticking out of a cannon like who's that guy it's like

that guy was just a head they'd place him on the tip of a cannon they'd wheel him up there yeah that was his whole act the fat doctor was literally a guy who's a really fat guy who went up in a doctor's outfit and he goes i'm the i'm a doctor but i'm fat and that was like his whole act. The fat doctor was literally a guy who was a really fat guy who went up in a doctor's outfit. And he goes, I'm a doctor, but I'm fat. And that was like his whole routine. And Mitzi saw that guy and goes, you're passed. Louie, no. They always, they go, you know, Mitzi had a great eye for comedy.

She would like tell comedians like, don't wear a sweater on stage. You're not a sweater comic. That's what I, whatever. Listen, I wasn't around, but all the stories i hear i'm always like what that was it she sounds like some fucking ozark character that just ran a comedy club with bad taste yeah it was basically she ran it like one of those uh gambling casino ships that would go up and down like rivers in tennessee yeah yeah yeah and she like comes out she's like a fucking uh what's that lady? I forget her name. But yeah, just run it like it.

The main bad woman in Ozark. Yeah. Never watched it. Bad show. Yeah. Ozark is Breaking Bad. I knew it was bad. It's Breaking Bad with Down syndrome. It's like we try to write Breaking Bad from memory.

Yes. Yeah, in like a day. I think the first episode is the only good episode i saw of it yeah the first episode is literally like i think jason bateman just going like so we're doing breaking bad right yeah the whole show is is is the cartel telling jason bateman they go you have till noon to get us our money or we're gonna slaughter your whole family and he's just going okay well all right yeah okay till noon slaughter my Slaughter my family. Those shows, family. Interesting.

Okay, interesting. Those shows kind of seem like the screenwriters are going, guys, have you ever heard of this concept called the ticking clock? Because I went to a Yale school of being a retard for creative writing. 24 really fucked all that up, where every show now, like- Oh, the Jack-

Yeah, because it wasn't, people love 24 because it's like, they have 24 hours to fucking solve a thing. There's a timeline. Like, there's a beginning... People love 24 because it's like, they have 24 hours to fucking solve a thing. There's a timeline. There's a beginning, middle, and end that's already set up because of the name of the fucking show. Oh, right. So if you make... Breaking Bad was the best show ever about

what's around the corner, what's next, what are they going to do next? And now almost every show seems to be like that. That show seemed to me like if there was a Breaking Bad coloring book, they were just trying to just color inside the lines, and they were just fucking up so bad. And by the way, I don't know what happened to me, but at some point, I said I had enough of Jason Bateman.

And I go, I'm tapping out. So anything with Jason Bateman, I just don't click on it. I just said I was done. I don't know why. I don't hate him. I think he's a good actor. I've never hated him. I think he's good, too.

But I'm sick of the way he reacts and everything just like okay well yeah you know who else i'm sick of i'm sick of paul redd too tapped out on that guy too yeah i love paul redd but yeah fuck him and his ant-man bullshit oh ant-man in the quantum whatever there's a new one every thursday yeah yeah and it is there is a thing of him like i do like him but there is something there's a new i'm. Like I do like him, but there is something. It's like episodes of Seinfeld. I can't keep up. There's so many of those stupid movies. I love that they interviewed the guy who played a Kang.

The what's the like Jonathan majors. Yeah. Yeah. He's on like talk shows. He's the guy from Creed. The black dude from Creed three. Who's been going around town. He like dresses like,

like, uh, like Frederick Douglas. Oh yeah. He's buff, around town. He dresses like Frederick Douglass. He's buff, but he has Morgan Freeman face somehow. He dresses like he runs the Underground Railroad. He always carries a little mug with him everywhere. Have you seen that? No, he has his own personalized little mug.

He has a little shitty mug he made out of like ceramics. But he doesn't drink anything out. He just like holds it with him. That's obnoxious. That's an actor bullshit thing to do. Wait, just what do I type in? He's a great actor though. Type in Jonathan Major's mug.

He is a great actor. He's like all of our great actors being wasted on stupid bullshit. Exactly. That's what's so sad. Like he should, you know, these guys should be in like Dog Day Afternoon. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. They should be in a Polanski film they're in like the big dogs afternoon that's

yeah they're in wild hogs wild hogs they're in are are we that's not the that's not the mug if you could go back please okay if you could go to the first the first picture no the very first no that's not that's a it's a is that the clayton pigsby edition is this it yeah that's it right there he always carries that little guy around is that like his it must be like luck or something or or just some performative bullshit that you have to do when you become an actor of his level yeah just some weird autistic wearing a parachute i mean what is that yeah that's what i thought i literally thought it was that he just jumped out of a plane he looks into manhattan He looks like D.B. Cooper.

So wait, he goes on talk shows and drinks from that mug? Yeah, he talks about the mug and everything. So this is like his little passy? What is it? Was this like Harriet Tubman's mug or something? Is it like a statement? I'm not trying to be offensive. Look it up.

Type it in. Why does Jonathan Majors carry a mug with him everywhere? I'll watch it right here, damn it. Oh, he's going to speak on it. Popsugar.com slash celebrity slash Jonathan Majors. Oh, late night with...

Put the interview of him on. That'll be the funniest part of the episode. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to The Late Show. Oh, please turn it up. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight stars...

See if we get copyrighted by having this big. ...in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Because we'll find out. We'll see. ...in the Wasp Quantumania. You'll also see him next month opposite Michael B. Jordan in Creed 3. Please welcome to The Late Show, Jonathan Majors. Just holding a mug.

Oh, here we go. You know what pisses me off? It's too small of a mug. Yeah, it doesn't even make sense. That's what makes me really fucking upset. Same here, Jace. Yeah, it's like a seven and a half ounce mug. It's some weird European shit.

It's like not a tiny mug. It's not a big mug. Yeah. But it's not proper size. It's not a proper size mug. Yep. Fuck him. Why do guys like him try to go through this wyatt scenic mode where they get the little red uh beanie where they start dressing like steve's because there's a lot of levels to this you got to do that so you're like

accepted by all your fucking east side loser friends oh sure enough and then you make it so big that you get to just become a republican yeah which and that moves into Farrakhan-level stuff, which it seems like Lakeith Stanfield and those guys are into. Possibly. Who are awesome. I love Lakeith Stanfield. I don't think they like the Jews, though. Those guys could have whatever fake knowledge of history

that they want to have. I think Yacoub was a real person. That's a war between them. Ben, do not get a SNA. Goddamn a war between them. Yeah. Ben, Ben, do not get us in a... God damn, I'm an isolationist here. Ben,

do not get us in an ancient blood feud. I'm fucking, I'm Switzerland. I'm not trying to get involved with like black people and Jews and their aliens

that fight each other or whatever they think. Ben wants us to get in the black versus Jews battle, which is one of the greatest wars of all time. It's an amazing war. That's because I'm drinking

Inca Cola. You're damn right. It's almost like Lord of the greatest wars of all time. It's an amazing war. That's because I'm drinking Inca Cola. It's almost like Lord of the Rings. We're just three South Americans that we don't have anything to do with black on Jew crime. Jew on black crime. Black on Jew hate goes to like, they start talking about like wizards and stuff like

that. Yeah, it gets silly. It's like a prog rock album. Yeah, where I don't even know how people take it like, that's offensive, you're racist. The guy's talking about Gandalf in his racist theory. Yeah. It is like Led Zeppelin, they're like, there was a man who lived in a hill, and he controlled the entire land.

And it's a guy guitar going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's like Robert Plant wrote Black Israelites. King Crimson came up with Black Israelites. Where do they get all the Black Israelites? Where do they get all the knight gear? Where do they buy that? They dress up like knights.

They have armor and stuff. Where do they get that? They probably go to the parks and they hang out with Christopher Mintz Patsy and they steal his stuff. Sure. Yeah, they walk up to a white guy. They're like, where do you get all the samurai shit? Yeah. And then they just go

to that store. Black people do love medieval times. Maybe they go to... I didn't know that. I think they do. Maybe I just made that up. The restaurant? The restaurant. Yeah. Everyone loves medieval times. You do get the big chicken leg. Yeah. Well, okay. I don't.

I've never been. All right, well. You know that's boxed. Ben, I'm going to be like Rodman tonight. And sir, welcome to Medieval Times. Will it be magic or non-magic for you tonight? By the way, also, it's a fucking turkey leg. Oh, is it?

When have you ever seen a giant chicken leg? I don't know. I thought they combined two into one and sucked the... I don't know. I thought they taped them together and painted brown. You're just determined to have trouble. No. No.

I thought it was a chicken leg. Magic or... It will be magic or non-magic for you tonight, sir. Fucking... It will be magic or non-magic for you tonight, sir. By the way, if I was an alchemist, if I was a modern alchemist, I would be convinced if I combined Inca Cola and Coke Zero that it makes Jim Beam. This just makes alcohol if these two elements combined.

Pissed a lot of people off with a nothing Coke Zero tweet, by the way. What'd you say? I tweeted they'd call it Coke Zero because when you drink it, that's how many brain cells you have after drinking it. Oh, it's like a... And people love Coke Zero, I guess. Some people were mad at me, it seems.

Well, it's also just like a joke book joke. Yeah, it's like, come on. Yeah. It's retarded. I don't know. know anyway you're pissing people off all of this country okay so it's behind this card right here don't look at the screen is that the mug okay all right yeah oh yeah yeah yeah ready ready oh anybody know what's going on that's his uh his character from ant-man wow what do you what do you what do you think of yourself well he's a little uh wow would you have played with you look Look at this. Pause it. Actors suck so much ass. He's like waiting for somebody to write him what to say. He doesn't even, he's just been stalling. He's like, wow, wow.

Line. Line. Yeah. I don't know. There's something about his face that really pisses me off. It seems like he's method acting to be a boxer. Like he beat the shit out of his own face. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. He does have kind of like Brendan Schaub face a little bit. Just like the puffy cheeks of a man that's been beaten down by, by fighting and comedy. A man who got concussed and then just destroyed by the internet for 12 years. It's the only way you get that face.

A man who got CTE from the echoes of his own jokes bombing. The silence was so deafening. The reverberation at the Addison improv of his jokes just coming right back at him. His terrible Asian lie impression bouncing

off a wall and destroying his own brain. That Asian lie impression bouncing off a wall and destroying his own brain. That Asian lie is just... Is it the Asian one about Brendan going to the Asian barber? The UFC doctor. He goes to the UFC doctor and in Brendan's bit he's like the UFC doctor comes up to me and he's like

and then if you watch an interview with the guy the guy is like totally Americanized. The guy is literally like my name is Brian Johnson. I work for the MMA. I'm a proud doctor, surgeon for seven years. Oh, man. And every time he did the joke, he did it that way.

Yeah. Every time. Yeah. Oof. No, anyway. Oof. That guy's comedy, man. God bless him.

Hope I never run into him out here at a thing. Like getting coffee or something. I just turn and I'm like, hey. Oh, hey. Hey, big guy. Thick boy. How's the shoe wearing going? He's still wearing shoes? He's still wearing shoes.

Brendan, how's the jackets, man? He is the guy where you have to go, you have to like, you're going to people, you're like, hey, good set, good set. And you go, those sunglasses are crazy. You see, Brendan has little sunglasses that are shaped like little crescent moons. Isn't that fun?

But in all honesty, the internet has really got to him. Oh, sure. It made him worse than he was. He's like spiraling. I feel like at the beginning he was kind of like normal. I kind of feel bad now. Normal bad at comedy. One of his, I think I've muted him on things,

but like one of his videos came up like just like, hey guys, like thank you for the birthday wishes. And he was like hiking. But he ends the video like, it's like, I'm like, man, you might jump off this cliff. Like he's very sad. Yeah. He's drinking a lot.

It's one of those, yeah, his face is all like burned and like bloated from the drinking. And then it's like those videos where it's like, thanks for the love, everybody. Just know whatever happens to us, we're going to make it.

Yeah. It's like ending with that like ominous. It's just very ominous. And he goes like, because he also doesn't speak right. So you can't quite follow him. But he's's like, end it with that, like, ominous. It's just very ominous and he goes like, that's, because he also doesn't speak right, so you're not quite, can't quite follow him,

but he's just like, that's me, just, the Baba, just doing, from, see, from fighting

to stand-up comedy. Both have, and then he just like, kind of ends the, he ends the video. You're like, this is like, literally the last scene

in Raging Bull. He's just looking at himself in the mirror. Weirdly, he'll be, he he sounds like that sometimes but he's dead sober and like it's like this sounds like trevor moore at 3 a.m on his last his final twitch stream this sounds like trevor moore fixing his deck and i love trevor moore with all my heart he's one of my favorite people very sad that he died and not many other people that he met that's what's annoying I know it's really the worst yeah there is something

if I like you you are retarded enough to die falling off your own porch if I think you're creatively important enough what do you guys think that was real quick

him falling him dying just drunk fell off his I think that's literally like he was drunk he had a tall porch and it was that thing

where he fell and like just landed like literally like on top of his head, upside down. After decades of hard drinking, too, it just destroys your prefrontal cortex. So eventually, you just become kind of a drunk where you're not conscious anymore. It's just kind of instinctual and stuff. You've seen people that have been drinking for a while when they get drunk. They're just sort of... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're like a pinball in a room they just keep kind of there's weird when you get like drunk enough for long enough there's like weird stuff that like some drunk people fall asleep on their arm wrong but they're so drunk they don't realize it and then they have to get their arm amputated just because they literally cut off the blood supply to their arm for like 12 hours because they've destroyed they've destroyed all the neurological system they've made it dead their neurological system over years and years and years of hard drinking so like then they get drunk and then they could like place their hand on like a like a burner or something they could like right they could like put their foot in a microwave just watching go they're in like they're in like a human not really but yeah they're in like a human

mech suit. Yeah. It becomes the hurt locker. Yeah. But then you're going to diffuse your child's hopes and dreams. Right. Just going into it. It's the hurt locker, but you're trying to fix your mess of a life. Without blowing it up more.

It's you trying to pay 12 years of back taxes and then realize you owe $100 million and then run away and explode. By the way, this Stephen Colbert thing, do you think Americans still watch it and they go, wow, he must have the tallest building in all of New York City? I wonder if they do think that, for real. I wonder if they think this is real

and they don't know this is filmed at 9 a.m. People definitely do. When I was a kid, I thought this shit was real. Yeah, I think I did too for a period of time. Yeah. We've got to find out about this mug. The mug. Let's get to this goddamn mug.

I hate that I'm curious. Actors and their bullshit. Can you scroll through to see if the mug is a winner? Yeah, I absolutely would get this guy. I also definitely would be at Toys R Us and be like, hey, Ma, come on. How many yards do I have to cut to get this guy? Yeah.

That's a significant moment in American culture. That's pretty deep, isn't it? You're a toy. I'm a toy. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You're right. He's so retarded. He's just repeating.

He's just repeating what Stephen says. I think it's earlier, Ben, if you go back. This is the reveal. That's the reveal of his stupid fucking toy that he shoves up his ass. But also, what that meant. What does that mean? Now it means, you know,

mind your cup. You're a vessel. Nobody can fill you up. Nobody can fill you up. Nobody can pour you out. Go back. Go back. We need to go to work. This is maybe the stupidest thing I've ever seen anyone reveal.

Show business. Show business. In the circus. Sure. You haven't heard about this. Did you join a circus? Stay tuned. No.

Boy. Just truly just empty vessels. Just actors are just unbelievably worthless human beings. They were trying to left the house. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. To get on the plane to go to college, I had to say no drinking, no drugs, no sex before I went through security.

This has happened my entire life. But the drinking was a thing. And she always said, you know, baby, just make sure you know, you don't think about, watch your cup, watch your glass. And I kept that in mind. And you know, for safety, but also, you know, what that meant. You know, what does that mean? He thought he was going to get day-raised?

Now it means, mind your cup. Mind your cup. You're a vessel. Nobody can fill you up. Nobody can pour you out. You do that yourself. Right. and so holding on to this is a reminder that you know it's a reading this craziness is happening you know

my self-esteem is my self-esteem right he's like he's like it's a it's a reminder that i have nothing inside of me exactly i am literally a an empty thing for other people to pour stuff he's the louis of that louis o and a thing when he's talking about actors yeah he says they're empty cups just waiting to be filled with something god i'd love to just smash that in front of him like stalker paddy's guitar yeah and be like what are you now john yeah what are you now you're gonna die you're gonna shrivel up oh is jonathan in a million pieces now god that sucks ass and now he has to keep bringing that everywhere he goes to play along with the with this fucking lame you guys said he was talented right they all yes actors are very talented i mean they are good in the thing how does he memorize lines that's what i've always

wondered when because they are they they all seem pretty dumb and then i'm like well they memorize they're good at just that but like even like like Brando, who's an incredibly talented guy, he would eat like 15 pies and a whole chicken and then shit his pants on set. They're retarded people. Even De Niro, dude. I mean, De Niro, greatest actor probably ever, and in interviews has nothing to offer about anything whatsoever. Doesn't say anything about anything. Doesn't offer a thing.

How do we know he's just not on a bunch of drugs? Because I'm sick of that excuse for everybody. It't offer a thing. How do we know he's just not on a bunch of drugs? Because I'm sick of that excuse for everybody. It's just too easy. I think some people are just boring. I don't think De Niro's like little Zan. If he was, he would be more

interesting. Yeah, I think he'd probably have more to say. What happened to all the Robert Shaw's of the world? What happened to these guys that would go on set and they go up to the DP and cut off one of his toes? You just answered the question. Well, those guys were all in. They all raped their way out of Hollywood.

Actors used to be real men. Raped their way out of Hollywood. Because those same guys, you'd be like, he's a genius, but he did kill a DP. All right. you'd be like he's a genius but he did yeah he did um kill a dp yeah all right well i i have been it's been like i feel like i'm holding in a shit because i can't wait to dig a little bit into the will and on stuff in the patreon yeah i gotta get to it we've done an hour 33 here hell yeah in the new studio which will keep changing i want to get posters and stuff and but we got a bigger tv now so you guys can get mad. I'm never going to

do a picture in picture thing. Because I don't want to get copyrighted by YouTube and stuff. This kind of prevents a lot of that. It does, definitely. So leave me alone about that stuff. They're like, I recommend you just get the channel taken down. Why don't they

want their channel to get erased? Pull up the videos clearly clearly uh uh patreon.com slash lemon party devon also has the hate watch pod as well and he has a new channel for that yes hate watch pod youtube.com slash hate watch pod but on the patreon we also do extra video and extra audio every week all right which is it's basically this show except they're uh we kind of devon and jace don't get uncomfortable when i start talking basically it's a different kind of show if you know what i mean yeah we can really let it fly no they really they become my hype men yeah on the patreon they like uh when i start getting into troubled waters they instead

of uh you know telling me to sit you know they they they throw me a treat yeah don't mean they have a little doggy treat bags it's that and every time i say a certain word they they toss me a little baggage trip yeah in my mouth it's the episode where we don't start looking for the exits when ben says something yeah yeah yeah There were several times this episode I thought about jumping out that window. I'm always trying to kind of do a fine line and then Ben's just like, I only can

go in straight lines, buddy. It's like you're doing improv with Michael Richards. I'm like Ricky Bobby, how he can only turn left. That's me. I can only go straight. Is that Zoolander or Ricky Bobby? he can only turn left that's me I can only go straight is that Zoolander or Ricky Bobby

that's Zoolander oh I thought that yeah wait wasn't Ricky Bobby saying he can't turn left I think it was Zoolander I think Ricky Bobby's thing was like

no when he's driving he can never turn right remember oh because of NASCAR so when he's in the car if he misses a turn he has to turn left

left left and left to get back I guess it's both movies maybe they stole that from Sue Lester stole that probably funny hilarious movie

by the way Talladega Nights very funny yeah I didn't appreciate it when it first came out no I didn't either but that's because the standard for comedy

was higher much higher but now we have Don't Look Up now that I'm completely desperate for any content at all I'll go back and start

being like hey Girls is pretty good I'm not kidding I'll watch Paul Feig got a couple of all. I'll go back and start being like, hey, Girls is pretty good. I'm not kidding. I'll watch like... Paul Feig had a couple of hits, huh? I'll watch like I Spy with Owen Wilson and Eddie Murphy and I'm like, they just don't make them like they used to. Yeah.

You'll watch like old mad TV sketches. You're like, ah, Miss Kwan, what an Asian bitch. Just because you're so desperate. So desperate. But if you are desperate for more content, go over to patreon.com slash lemon party. And real quick, subscribe to the Clips channel. Yes, Jace.

On YouTube. You can go. We've been going live on there. Yeah. Ben and Devin went live the other day. And so it's also if we ever get the channel taken down, it's a good like back. Yeah. To get back up. And I went live on there the other day.

Did you guys know this? And Gracie fell in the pool while I was on YouTube live. I did not know that. She's fallen in the pool three times now. And I'm literally saying on the stream, I'm like, Gracie's never. She would never jump in the pool. And then she was throwing the ball like this. And she does this thing where she runs and then she slips but then she keeps

tumbling like cartoonishly over until she just like does a front flip into the water. She's got suicidal tendencies. I don't know what's getting into her. Gracie's like Sylvia Plath. Gracie's putting her head in an oven.

I can't find the dogs anywhere and I open up the oven. She's just inside of it like... Just raising one paw, signaling me to turn the ovens on, turn the gas on. All right. We're going to go over the Patreon now and have a blast. Thank you.