lemonparty - 022: lil burp

Episode Date: March 28, 2023

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but uh yeah i think pretty much i think we're rolling man who are these guys this is great nice really this is giving me like a stroke yeah this is i feel like i'm in a charlie kaufman movie this is you've got it too easy to cut the intro in so you just play it on the podcast everybody uh on the patreon when i did soy face twice they thought it on the podcast. Everybody on the Patreon, when I did Soy Face twice, they thought it was the episode from last week. They're in memento now. They have no idea what's going on. We're simply a bunch of broken pieces of glass

and everyone's looking at themselves. Oh, shit, on the last episode, I forgot. Oh, you know what? Guys, I forgot to do Soy Face on this episode. All right, can we turn this off? Because my head's about to explode. Right now, you're watching the first episode. Are you trying to give me an aneurysm?

No, but hold on. I got it. I'm going to do soy face. All right. This is how Bob Saget died. Oh, and then it's going to jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it.

Okay, do soy face real quick. Then that means I'm going to have to do soy face again for the Patriots. Wait, are you doing soy face over? You got to do two soy faces. Jesus Christ. Whoa, new studio. Oh, new. Wow.

Can't believe we're about to record the main app right now. New era. Bit. New era. New era. Watch us adjust to a new era. I'm getting pissed off getting cut off by myself. Ben Sohn's saying he's going to copyright this episode from last week's episode. Yeah, we get copyrighted by ourselves. All right.

There. There was some audio disruptions there. Go to the Clips channel and subscribe if you haven't already. Yeah. Get some bangers on there. And we're going live. That thumbnail kicks out. I've not seen that until right now.

All right. We're in. We're in. That was like Inception. Is Christopher Nolan writing this episode? That was amazing. I feel like I'm washed up on a beach right now. Watch out, Jace.

You're on your headphones. Oh, sorry. We got it. All right. We got Majors. Jonathan Majors is taken down shortly after our episode aired. Ladies and gentlemen, we got Majors. We got Majors. Jonathan Majors was taken down shortly after our episode aired. Ladies and gentlemen, we got Majors. His girlfriend broke his cup.

And he got pretty pissed. Just beat her to death with the handle. What was he doing? He was punching and choking. That's what they say. A little punching, a little choking. But then today they said she recanted everything. But that just kind of means that she probably got a bunch of money or something. Kevin Feig gave her a fucking choking. But then today they said she recanted everything. But that just kind of means that she probably got

a bunch of money or something. Kevin Feig gave her a fucking suitcase. Yeah. That says shut the fuck up on it. Yeah. A suitcase full of Vaseline and body armor hopefully.

This maniac. This woman beating maniac. Yeah. Who would have guessed the guy who carries a tiny mug to press events would beat a woman. You think he's going to go on the Cumia network to clear his name?

Probably. I see him, yeah. Yeah, if there's anybody Anthony Cumia would like, it's Jonathan Majors. Jonathan Majors. Anthony Cumia is a big fan of Jonathan Majors because he heard about the last black man in San Francisco. And he says, that sounds like a great idea.

I was telling Ben, like, Anthony is back on Twitter and his tweets are just, I can't keep looking at them. It's like he's trying to get re-fired from Sirius. They're so racist. It makes you wonder how he ever even let Patrice in the studio. I know. Did he think Patrice in the studio. I know. Did he think Patrice had like frostbite? Yeah.

Is he going to pull out like an elephant gun at Patrice or something? It's violently racist. Dude, he's writing like acronyms that mean the N word. No, and we're not being like cucks. He writes MFN, meaning like mother effing ends. Yeah. Like he writes mfn meaning like mother effing ends yeah like he writes that out and look he retweets anti-white watch but but but hold on i mean look i guess you cannot be racist and maybe retweet that if you know they made a good point sure but uh but yet sis is like the n-word for straight people it's degrad degrading, demeaning, and feminizing.

Sister or sissy comes to mind. Straight people didn't come up with this nonsense. I'm offended by this tag, and we'll use the dreaded F-word for gay people if I'm addressed with cis. Are people getting banned from Twitter under Elon? No, I think Elon lifted the gate. People like Kamiya can just go crazy. Nice. I do imagine Anthony just in that mansion in Long Island like Daniel Plainview

at the end of their world. He's shooting a stuffed moose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like yelling at a deaf kid. I'm finished! And he's bludgeoned Opie to death. Look at this. This was amazing. He saw Opie at a bludgeoned Opie to death. Look at this. This was amazing.

He saw Opie at a restaurant. He filmed Opie yesterday. Opie sees him, too. Look at that. You can see Opie look up and see him. Oh, he does. Look at that. And he goes, oh, man, he's filming me.

Opie's like, why do I dress like I have AIDS in 1993? Opie's telling the waiter to hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, he's saying, Jonathan in Buffalo, New York says I should get the steak. Let's go to Whack Bag for my order. Yeah.

Anthony's amazing because he will just take a picture of a black person who's like a mailman or something. And he'll just be like, well, there goes the neighborhood. Caught this guy stuffing envelopes in my mailbox again.

It's like a damn menace. Yeah, Kamiya's crazy. Did he get fired from Sirius for being racist? He got fired for taking pictures of a black prostitute in Times Square. And then she supposedly hit him. And then a bunch of other black dudes were like getting into it and gonna beat him up and then he went on Twitter and just called them

like animals. This sounds like the plot of John Wick 5. Yeah, it probably will be. I just saw John Wick 4 I saw like 30 minutes of it and then we walked out. You walked out of John Wick 4? It was, I don't know, we just all got too drunk before. And then Joey paid for like IMAX tickets.

So they were like $30. And then we show up and it's just like a normal theater. It was not an IMAX. And then we were so drunk that we like couldn't sit. Like Joey just kept getting up every 10 minutes and like walking out. Remember when I tried to go to the Terminator 2 screening? We all went. At the Vista?

Yeah, at the Vista. With you guys and Joey? And the entire movie, Joey would, Joey's sitting behind me and would go, and just hit me in the back of the head with his foot. Right. Well, I was sitting, it was because we couldn't get seats together

because there was like six of us. You guys were in front and I was with Joey behind you guys. And Joey would come, and he was hammered and he would he would come to me sorry he got to me he goes hey you're gonna play a prank on your brother you're gonna play a prank on him and then he would just like he was just hitting glasses over ben's head yeah yeah i remember that and then he chased you around the movie theater, right? They were literally running around in circles in a theater while the movie's playing. Joey saw T2 and he thought he was the liquid Terminator. And he looked at Ben, he's like, that's John Connor.

He did some Walls of Jericho shit with me where he chased me around the theater like three or four times. And then he ran back in the theater and locked me out. Yeah. Yeah. And he's just like, he went to the front. He's like, sir, that man, he's being insane. He's trying to break in. He's stealing.

He's a pedophile. He's a pedophile. He's convicted. Right. In front of a court. A jury convicted him, sir, of molestation. Right. Everybody in the theater is assuming that like you both are trying to do a shoot.

Like you guys are fighting over who gets to shoot up the theater. You guys meet outside and you're like, all right, we'll flip for it. Cock sucker. Yep. I remember that. Yeah, but Joey gave me like a concussion that night in the theater. He wouldn't stop hitting me in the back of the head. It was the most aggressive he's ever been.

Yeah. Yeah, that was a wild night. It was a midnight showing. He was hammered. I kind of stopped hanging out with Joey. aggressive he's ever been. Yeah. Yeah. That was a wild night. It was a midnight showing. That was... He was hammered. I kind of stopped hanging out with Joey as I go... I got to hang out with Joey every three to four months or something bad's going to happen to me.

Like, I'm going to have to start showing up to hang out with Joey and I'm going to be dressed like the water boy. Like, football helmet. Oh, I guess a football player. Not the water boy. That's my reference for football. The water boy. Sure.

That's how retarded I am. You understand the world through Adam Sandler movies. Yeah. You're watching The Masters. You're like, man, this is just like Happy Gilmore. You see Firefighters. You're like, that's Chuck and Larry. Ben's at a wedding.

He's like, when is the trans person saying, boy, George? I meet two twins. I'm like, oh, just like jack and joe the only adam sandler movie i've seen you on vacation in hawaii going like so where do they film 50 first dates that's got to be a thing people do they they go to hawaii and they go where's the place where you can make the waffles right they're like i want a house i want to see rob schneider's coconut bra can i see that here speaking to people that do that man in two two nights ago in this room and by the way i i do want to point out i

have a what is that i got a new soda it just looks like black it's uh i'm doing my part in the war this is uh it says number one in russia oh that's russian it's russian coca-cola i think how'd you get it i have a little mart It says number one in Russia. Oh, that's Russian. It's Russian Coca-Cola, I think. How'd you get it? I have a little mart down the street that I think they're Russian, and they hung a Ukrainian flag in the front, but I don't think they... I think they're just trying to get business.

Yeah, yeah. They didn't seem like they... If you buy the Ukrainian version of that soda, it's just liquid money. It goes to $900. Yeah, it's just liquid money. It costs $900. Yeah, it's a $100 billion soda. That looks like something you would get off the back of a cart in the Old West. That looks like something that cures toothaches. It somehow looks worse than Coke.

It really does. Why is it so dark? Dude, it looks like Guinness. It does. It looks like my Guinness. Nice. Maybe it's booze. What does it taste like, Coke? It, it looks like Guinness. It does. It looks like my Guinness. Nice. Maybe it's booze. What does it taste like?

Coke? It kind of smells like alcohol, actually. It smells fermented. Well, it's Russian. I'm sure it was sitting in a basement for 40 years. Oh, that is awful. Really? What does it taste like?

Oh, that is very bad. Like licorice? Can I try a taste? Yeah, man. Like a licorice-y thing or what? It kind of tastes like when you lick your mustache. Oh, my God. That tastes like a beer. Really? my God. That tastes like a beer.

Really? Kind of. Tastes like woman beating? Is there alcohol in this? It tastes like living in Russia. Oh, that smells awful. Oh, God. It's called Ochak...

Oh, God. It's like dip spit. Ochakovsky? There. God, fuck them. That sucks. That sucks ass. That's the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

And that's a treat there? That's considered a treat. This is the stuff in, it's spittoon cum. It's the stuff in the, it's like a, this would be in a bedpan that like Lieutenant Dan shit in. Yeah. It literally tastes like I sucked on candy and then spit in a cup while I was sucking candy and you drank that. All right. That is truly vile. Well, that's cup while I was sucking candy and you drank that. All right. That's truly vile.

Well, that's my... I always wanted to be a soda reviewer on YouTube. I really did growing up. And my dream is coming true. And I give this a one out of ten. That's the worst soda I've ever had. And that explains a lot of Russian behavior. That's why they fucking for fun, they climb skyscrapers and shit.

Yeah. And they do a fucking torture streams and shit. Yeah. Trash streamers. You know what? Trash streamers shit yeah and they do a fucking uh torture streams and shit yeah trash streamers you know what trash streamers what do they do trash streamers are like the big the big uh trash streamers is homeless guy and what people do is they uh send people that are destitute on live streams uh money to like uh cut their fingers off and to eat metal and coins and things like that. So the more money people go, I'll give you, you know,

it says someone sent you $10,000. You have to cut your hand off. And the homeless guy just goes, he just shrugs and just starts. He just needs the money. Right. And what's he going to do with his hand? Yeah.

And he just cuts it off. This may explain why they're losing ground in the war. Because all the soldiers have chopped their hands off for money well the homeless guys at least yeah there was one big guy who uh he was a huge trash streamer and someone sent him a bunch of money to leave his girlfriend out on the balcony which in russia it oh i've heard of this yeah it gets to like negative you know 50 degrees there it gets. But in Russia, that's like a Sunday night. Yeah, that's summer. Just leave her out. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Right, right. He's like, she's already locked her outside. She's not allowed inside. The women have fur, so we're fine. These are Russian women. Oh, she's an outside girlfriend. She's not an inside girlfriend.

She's a wolf. She's a wolf. He put her outside for like four minutes, and she died. And then the cops just came and arrested him on live stream. That was a huge... Trash streaming was a huge thing, especially during COVID. They told the cops to give him $500 if you shoot that guy in the eyes right now. No, then the cop just sits down.

Right, cop sits down. He goes, all right, welcome back to stream. Who wants me to butt butt fuck this man? Man, Russians are really just miserable. Well, this sucks ass, and it kind of tastes like, you know that stuff that Tom Hanks really likes that people put on bread? It's from England.

Vegemite? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a Vegemite type of vibe that the Aussies like. Yeah. Australians. Yeah. It's kind of like a Vegemite. Vegemite. Type of vibe. That the Aussies like. Yeah. Australians. Yeah.

You do think like if Russians could get like a Fanta where they'd just be like, God, my life sucks. I know. They would finally realize it. Right. If they had a Pepsi. Yeah. They had McDonald's until they fucking did this thing.

And then we had to take all their fun away. Will and Don posted in their final Europe recap. Will was in a convenience store and he zoomed in on an orange Fanta. And he said, that is, he goes, I've been drinking that all trip. And I think he thinks. He thinks it's got fruit in it. Yeah. Because it says it works. He thinks he's being healthy. He thinks it's got fruit in it. Yeah. Because it says it works.

He thinks he's being healthy. Yeah, yeah. He thinks it's got pulp, but that's just his own gums. I think he thinks Fanta is a European beverage. I don't think he's aware they have Fanta here. Right. That's probably it. He was like, I've been drinking this all trip.

Like it was a, yeah. He's like, well, when in Rome, he's drinking Fanta. He probably vapes for like the vitamins.

He thinks there's vitamins like in the watermelon vapor. It'll say like aloe. He's like, oh good, it coats the lungs. Oh man.

Yeah. He's probably walking around England just being like, they have great teeth here. Best teeth I've seen in my life. But he probably, back to the Hawaii thing. Sure. He probably, if Will and Don ever go to Hawaii, they're going to do that.

They're going to ask for the waffles. Oh, shit. Make sure to play that. The Opie video. Is this deranged footage of anthony cumia filming op eat at a steakhouse that can't be legal to do that no it's legal first amendment and you also said you're like that's a sign just like go shake his hand i know i saw it i go just guys stop just stop look at him looking straight at him. He's looking right at Anthony.

Right down the barrel. Yeah. You know, he's like, can I get a cake to step on? That's what he orders. We'll say Anthony trashing him, though, is hilarious. I love it. Him and Gavin shitting on Opie is very funny. It's very funny.

And then Opie's response filmed in a sewer somewhere in New York. Yep. Yeah. Opie's like podcast. Yeah, he's having Donatello hold the camera. His podcast setup is like a Batman villain. Yeah. He just lives in a gutter somewhere.

He does it like on an island, it seems like. Mm-hmm. On his phone. And his co-host is like a volleyball. Or it's like Sherrod Small, but the volleyball might be better. Yeah, Sherrod and the volleyball have beef. I think all of his hosts, besides Sherrod,

I think everyone else that he went on to do his show with, the Opie show or Opie Radio, they all died. Is that true? One by one, they were just dropping like flies. Really? Yeah, just from Opie. It's like in that Shyamalan movie, The Happening, they all start killing themselves one by one. They were just dropping like flies. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Just from Opie. Yeah, it's like that M. Night Shyamalan movie, The Happening.

They all start killing themselves one by one. You know, you take too many callers. Put their head inside a lawnmower. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wait, so is that all of his movies now? Because we went to see The Knock at the Cabin, or what was it called? Knocking at the Cabin?

Yeah, Knocking at the Cabin. What was it called? It was called The Knock at the Cabin. The Knock at the Cabin. A Knock at the Cabin. Who's movie? A Knock at the Cabin. Yeah, Knocking at the Cabin. What was it called? It was called The Knock at the Cabin. The Knock at the Cabin. A Knock at the Cabin. Who's movie? A Knock at the Cabin. M. Night Shyamalan.

M. Night Shyamalan came out with a new movie called A Knock at the Cabin. Was that really him? Mm-hmm. I thought people liked that. Oh, that was Cabin in the Woods. Enough of these cabins. Enough of the in the. Yeah.

No more. I'm more of a heaven is for real guy. Do you know I have a post, I have a heaven is for real poster in that closet. Would you be shocked if I unveiled it right now? No, absolutely not. I thought you were referencing that. Ben just broke, when they moved, Ben broke that out of storage. Is it heaven is for real?

I had a public storage unit just with this poster. Oh my God. The best movie ever made. Colton Burpo represented it. Colton Burpo, baby. The trailer for this movie makes me laugh harder than anything on earth

because it's about it's about a kid that like dies and then apparently goes to heaven and then comes back and lives I have the book

and then he tells his parents like I saw heaven heaven is real and they kind of don't believe him but Greg there's a scene

in the trailer where Greg Kinnear is like pissed off in the kitchen with Greg Kinnear's like pissed off in the kitchen with his wife and he's like, honey, he said it was real. Talking about Evan. In that specific Greg Kinnear way. Yeah.

Honey, we gotta believe him. He's five and he almost died. It's like literally a kid with like brain damage. Yes, the kid had DMT released into his brain and he thinks heaven's real. Right. Well, I think also in the story where they shaped his, he's like, I was in the sky with clouds,

and they go, and you said there was no Jews there, right? Colton Burpo? He's like, that's right. There's no Jews there when I went. It's a paradise. How the fuck do I get to this monitor and his name is colton burpo come on what what oh it's amazing yeah that's a that's a kid at a at a at like a southern barbecue who's like you know choking on a rib yeah colton burpo burpo that's greg kinnear loves picking

weird movies he's in another movie about the guy that invented windshield wipers it's like two hours of a guy in court being like no they go like this he's also in that movie about people writing letters to God

that's similar he must be he's a big Christian he must be a closet Christian I don't think he is I think he just wasn't really getting work at that point

I bet you those sets are fun everyone's nice sure you know I don't think he is. I think he just wasn't really getting work at that point. I bet you those sets are fun. Everyone's nice. Sure. You know? God-fearing people. You can fuck the kids. Sundays are off.

Yeah. There was this... Fuck, I wish I could find this other book. There was another book, Like Heaven Is For Real, where the kid came out later, because it was a bestseller. The kid came out and said it was all bullshit, and he made it up. I think that's Heaven Is For Real.

No, not... Because Colton Burpo, I used to follow him on Twitter. I don't know if he's still active on social media. He became... A lot of people don't know this. Colton Burpo became Kyle Rittenhouse. That makes sense. That makes sense.

Trying to find the one book besides Heaven is for Real made up. Because the kid came out and he goes, yeah, I feel bad about it. And he made a bunch of money. The boy who didn't go to heaven. Hmm. Yeah, I can't remember. I don't even know what I would type in to figure out what that is.

But Heaven is for Real was, it was this shit where he goes, they go, Colton said, Daddy, why does Grandpa have a tattoo right here? And he goes, Colton, you didn't ever meet Grandpa. How'd you know he has a tattoo? And he goes, well, when I went to the place in the clouds, he had a tattoo right, he had a tattoo on when I went to the place in the clouds, he had a tattoo, right?

He had a tattoo on his arm, and he said he was your daddy. And he goes, honey, how could he, how could he have, he never met my grandpa. Right. But it's clearly like he's just putting.

He's putting shit out there. Yeah, he's tattooing. He's implanting shit in him. It was a swastika. He had a, it said 1488 he had it across his back honey how was he supposed to know grandpa was racist

honey how does he know about racism he's five and we teach him that every day oh I found it fuck yes I found it boy says he didn't go to heaven publisher says it will pull book oh no is that him I didn't go to heaven. It's on NPR. Publisher says it will pull book. Oh, no. And it's a fucked up kid.

I didn't mean fucked up. You know what I mean? Yeah, he's fucked up. You don't mean he's fucked up. It's just his body is fucked. Yeah. He's not fucked up. He's just incredibly botched.

His life is just much worse than all of ours. And he's a little liar. Well, no, no, no. I want to say it's kind of awesome that he came out and said, yeah, it was all bullshit. I didn't see anything. That's kind of awesome. His defense in court should just be like, they're adults. Yeah.

I was five. I was five and they're adults. And I was underneath an ice sheet in a river for 12 minutes. Of course, I'm going to think I saw heaven. My brain doesn't work anymore. Yeah. What do you want out of me? Of course, I made this shit up. Yeah. I got a hole in my to think I saw heaven. My brain doesn't work anymore. Yeah, what do you want out of me? Of course I made this shit up.

Yeah, I got a hole in my neck and I was five. I'm going to make some stuff up. It's amazing. This kid's name is literally Alex Malarkey. Malarkey. The boy who came back from heaven by Alex Malarkey. It's like Joe Biden's nephew. It's my nephew Marky.

Oh, man. Yeah. They promoted it as a supernatural encounter that will give you new insights on heaven, angels, and hearing the voice of God. I want to see his statement, though. Oh, he goes, oh, oh, my God. This is amazing. He said, I did not die.

I did not go to heaven. I said I went to heaven because I thought it would get me attention. When I made the claims that I did, I had never read the Bible. People have profited from lies and continue to. They should read the Bible, which is enough. The Bible is the only source of truth. Anything written by man cannot be infallible. He concluded those who market these materials must be called to repent and hold the Bible as enough.

Well, so what, did they kill the kid? I mean, is he like giving himself up? I think he should go to prison. For sacrifice? Yeah, put him away. Yeah, for life. This little white Jussie Smollett. This little lion piece of shit. He's like, I saw a god outside of Subway. Yeah.

I saw two gods and they said, this is heaven country. I was in the south side of Chicago when I saw heaven. And they put a halo around my neck. This kid, it would be funny if they put him in federal prison. Yeah. Oh, they prosecute him harder than they've ever prosecuted a civilian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't tolerate liars in the US judicial system. They sent him to Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. They strip him of his citizenship, so they never have to send him to trial and put him to Guantanamo Bay. They strip him of his citizenship so they never have to send him to trial and put him in Guantanamo Bay. Sentence him to hell.

They keep flipping the switch on the chair and they go, is it real yet? Is it malarkey? We're turning you into a hush puppy, malarkey. Your name's John Coffey, malarkeykey they're just doing the green model with the kid uh colton burpo twitter so colton stayed strong though with heaven oh i've been keeping up with him for a while colton fully believes in heaven he saw it it's true oh yeah why is his doing stand up now he's at the laugh factory yeah wait why is his his uh header picture like like bricks of cocaine what is that i don't know

that's the white room they put him in now yeah this is he works for the cia he smuggles drugs in uh oh that way hold on this one's a this one's a parody. Oh, in recovery. Yeah. Yes, I'm in recovery. Wait, that might be him, though. I love Twitter, dude. It says parody. It says parody, Jace. I don't know. It could be him still.

He could be a tricky, tricky man. Hold on. Wait, hold on. I got to find it, though. Oh, is he private? I used to follow him. The boy who lived. See, heaven is for real movie on demand now. That's Bolton Kerpo? I used to follow him. The boy who lived. See Heaven is for Real movie on demand now. That's Bolton Kerpo. No way

that's him. Let's see here. God killed the dinosaurs for doing premarital. Yeah, this is... I mean, it could be him. This is a Phil Wherrell type account. But, okay, what is great though is he sings now. And he's not bad. i want to pull him up

he sings worship music now it's it's really not are you into worship music at all devon you ever you ever turn it on and just here we go i don't listen to any religious music that's not done by black people truly it would be funny if Colton Burpo's in a black Kanye church. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To sing an ultralight beam. Kanye's holding them up to the sky. Kanye's like, we're gonna bring Colton out to say

something about the Jews real quick. Colton has chanced the rapper's whole verse. This is my partner, but he doesn't speak. I saw heaven, I saw heaven, heaven is for real. I want to be in a Kit Kat convention. What if I made the gayest album about getting married?

I hate the Jews, I hate the Jews. Hey, I really wanted to have hate the Jews on the album, but Spotify wouldn't. We don't have the sampling rights for my song, Jews. Just sampling like Hitler's speech.

What's the three on his hat mean? What's the three on his hat mean? What's the three on his hat mean? That's the amount of people who died in the Holocaust. It has something to do with his coloring book thing. I don't know. The number of good albums he made. To be frank, I think Colton

kind of killed this. And I think he was selling out some shows. I would like for you to welcome me to my great friend. Yeah, Colton's opening for Bert Kreischer. He's opening for the machine. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, how does he start the machine joke? Ladies and gentlemen, when I was 13, when I was 21.

I don't know, when I was 21, I did a study abroad. I got involved with the Russian mafia. And then people with arrows through their head go, It's like a crowd. It's a crowd full of people in like cattle guards. Yeah. Trashing about going... People that have been injured in hunting accidents

that made their way to the show. He took his shirt off again. It's like the movie. Here's the machine. Tell the story again. My favorite things are things I already know Because it's hard for me to know new things So just repeat the thing I know already

Yeah it is like the stand up in Idiocracy Just like a Should be a guy getting whacked in the nuts. And then going, hi, fucking retard. Guy's fucking nuts whacked. It's knocking butts. Man, you know Colton has to be getting just the worst pussy of all time. Off of this shit shit is he allowed to

I bet he is I think there's a lot of sucking and fucking yeah that goes on in these scenes I mean when you guys are gonna see like what he's capable of I think people stay fully religious like this so the sex feels better yeah cause it's dirty it's dirtier

it's freaky and by the way I forgot to preface this this isn't like some of the shit from it's like from the studio you know and that's a music like this isn't auto-tune shit no this is raw no he's not doing t-pain right now no like you know those videos where Whitney Houston is like you know is hitting the notes and stuff yeah Yeah, like the National Anthem. This is raw, unfiltered. Imagine if he had the enterprise Adele has.

Millions of dollars in the studio. The best producers on the planet. Millions of dollars worth of equipment in the studio. Imagine what Colton could really do. Oh, that's true. If he had Rick Rubin and all these people on his side. what Colton could really do. Oh, that's true.

If he had Rick Rubin and all these people on his side. Rick Rubin just being like, what do you, when you lie about heaven, what is the antithesis of what you feel? Can we try to work on the antithesis?

Everybody's like, why are you here? Why do you contribute to this at all? And he goes, I just, I crossed my legs, man. How about we just take another album and we use all their beats? what do you contribute to this at all? And he goes, I just, I crossed my legs, man.

How about we just take another album, we use all their beats? Rick Rubin writes music by saying, you should sing a song someone wrote. Yeah. Because I'm a musician. Rick Rubin's just like, well, my career's mostly based around Jay-Z thinking I'm Yoda.

So that's what I do. Why don't you sing about heaven over the Californication beat? By the way, I'm pretty sure if that guy shaved, I think he's very talented and amazing, but I'm pretty sure if that guy shaved his head, like shaved his crazy hair off and his beard, I don't

I think he'd be out of work in like a week. Oh, I want to hire him as a CDA. No, he'd look like Mike Buschetti if he shaved. He'd look like some loser that calls in used to call in to help you today yeah yeah have you told him he's not allowed to be barefoot anymore and he just has to wear like jeans yeah he looked like in a t-shirt you think he's kyle gas from tenacious why is the ugliest man at a jaguars game here look at that white stevie wonder behind him game here.

Look at that white Stevie Wonder behind him. He could tell you stories that would change your life, Devin, if you just listen. I love any organization that lets a kid run everything. A room full of adults, hundreds of adults standing for a child. You know back in the day when a king died

of, he had nine types of syphilis and he died because he had sex with 40,000 people and it was like the 1400s and then his kid was like seven and he became king and he started killing people. Colton Burpo is the last emperor. This is like China. Yeah, he's in

Dunkirk. Heaven is for real. I liked it. Hey dunker heaven is for real i liked it hey marty heaven is for real i fucking liked it he's got a little i like his swag too he's got the little sports sports coat yeah yeah sometimes he'll sway back and forth carmine carmine's like that's right colton he goes the sacred and the propane. Very good. He really, really loves you. He really, really loves you. Yeah. He wants you to know.

He really, really loves you. He really, really loves you. That's why your kid has a tumor. That's why your family is a cycle of abuse. Can't afford medicine. Can't afford the mortgage. Man. That's why the best person you ever knew got cancer.

That's why I'm with a good guy, young. All the best people you know are dead. It's a curse to be awesome. This, a benefit concert in East Palestine Ohio right here though right in front of the river where all the it's just dead fish

there's no water anymore yeah he's just he's on stage with Trump and Trump's just whipping out

he's shooting whoppers out of a t-shirt cannon at the East Palestine Ohio people Trump's whipping guns into the crowd Trump's got a t-shirt. Trump's whipping guns into the crowd. Trump's got a t-shirt

Trump's got a gun and a t-shirt cannon firing at people. Imagine that. And just this. No. Just the people in East Palestine

they have nubs. Like they have bones sticking out of their flesh. They look they look like the guy from Robocop who's melting and gets hit by the car

they try to do the thing where they raise their arm but the arm snap falls like folds off like oh yeah like like uh something that's been in the slow cooker for a while. Sure, yeah, yeah. Old pork arms. Hello, me. His jaw falls off. God, I miss church, dude. Here's Colton Burple describing. Hell yeah, dude. It's been a while since I read the book.

Yeah, I want to see him at his prime at four years old. By the way, well, everybody asks, they go, is the book really better than the movie and it is yeah walking walking out of heaven is real it's like i mean it just doesn't you know the narrative of the book it's much like white noise i mean it's like trying to adapt confederacy of dunces do you do it Yeah yeah yeah Who's Natalie Tizzle Was it colorful or black and white It was colorful And they're like Colton

Colton it was white Colton we talked about this What color blue the blue skies The green grass And that's it right Those are the colors Colton What color were Blue, the blue skies. The green grass. And that's it, right? Those are the colors, Colton. What color were your shoes, Colton? What kind of shoes did you have on?

What kind of shoes did you have on, Colton? I was wearing Air Force... No, you were not. No, you weren't. You were penny loafers. You were not wearing black Air Force Ones. Who do you think you are? Patrick Beverly?

Man, I thought... I try to go into this stuff with an open mind, but looking at this interview, it kind of seems like he's lying about the whole thing. I'm starting to get that feeling. They're in an all-white room, like they're in heaven right now. Like, this is heaven.

You get interviewed by whatever this Liz... Cum guzzler, whatever her name was. No, she's got cum on her lips. Liz Tisley. You tell me what you remember about Natalie Tizzle. Yeah. She was like a Republican senator and murders her for money. There's something about Christians. They just always upload in 360p. What is that?

240p, 360. That's where they exist. That's their sweet spot. They think technology was created by the Jews. Was it colorful? They don't want to use it too much. It was colorful. See, that's where they exist. That's their sweet spot. They think technology was created by the Jews. I haven't, okay? Was it colorful? They don't want to use it too much. It was colorful. What kinds of colors?

Well, it's all the colors we have here on Earth, and then some more. Oh, what are the other ones, Colton? Get into it, you little four-year-old fucking shyster. You little fucking snake oil salesman. You little mini fucking crazy man he looks scared he looks very he looks like he's in a like a stockholm syndrome kind of relationship with this crazy dad yeah which is todd burpo by the way todd burpo his name is yeah he goes we're

not lying god damn it we're the burpos the burpos god damn it my name is my burpo name is my bond mr and mrs burpo right they probably changed it from whether whatever nazi name they had before their grandparents moved to america wow are there many people in heaven? Yes, there are a lot of people. Does heaven look like earth? It does have a little bit of the same texture, except it's a place where there is no sin. So grass and clouds and sky. So what did you do there, Colton? He goes, I raped.

I raped everyone. God gives you automatons that can't feel anything? There's no sin. There's no whistles. There's no cops. It's what Antifa wants to turn this country into. It's interesting. Yeah, it is kind of like a block party thing.

It's like a lawless thing. It's a, what was that thing in Seattle? Chaz. Yeah, it is kind of like a block party thing. It's like a lawless thing. It's a, what was that thing in Seattle? Chaz. Yeah, Chaz. Yeah, heaven's run by like a failing rapper. Who immediately shoots four kids. Everyone in heaven is a sovereign citizen. In heaven, everyone has GoFundMes.

In heaven, you don't need a green card. You get sent straight to hell. High in mountains. How about that? Things like that? Just like it looks on there? By the way, what kid knows the word texture? What four-year-old knows texture?

Oh, yeah. He's been given notes. He's been coached. Yeah. He's better at speaking than Kamala Harris, though. Yeah. Which is insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you try to put Kamala Harris, and she'd be like, well, heaven is heaven and I'm the vice president and I died and now I'm not dead. So it's heaven. And I'm a clone of a lady that died seven years ago. DARPA has a lot of this technology

that people don't know about. DARPA has my brain in a cage and now I'm doing this interview about heaven because I died. My brain has a big padlock on it. She's like, I'm sorry, I'm a hologram. What was that? Say that to this here, I'm doing this interview about heaven because I die. My brain has a big padlock on it. She's like, I'm sorry, I'm a hologram. What was that?

Say that to this ear. I'm a hologram. What was that? I can't hear you. I'm a hologram. I am an extension of an extension. Okay. So when you talk about heaven, it's an extension.

Okay. All right. Sorry, what were you saying? I was going to say, sorry, I can't hear you. There's a mind-controlling slug in my ear. There's a big slug that controls my brain in my ear. Yeah, there's worms in my head. Say that one more time.

Worms in my head. Those videos where people were saying Biden looks like he was green screened. Remember during the pandemic he was walking and it looked weird like he's walking on a treadmill, but behind him is like a helicopter landing and stuff. And then people go, oh no, it's not weird. If you look at it from all these,

I'm pretty sure that was all green screen. And then we just had to pretend it wasn't. Probably. There's always footage of these guys coming out of the plane and it just doesn't look like them. And Biden always looks different every six months if you look at photos of him. I don't know,

maybe I'm getting tricked like a boomer by stuff, but I don't know. I see weird photos of him. I feel like, I think he's dead. I think he's, I don't think he's alive.

I do think they, I agree with you. They save like this. Yeah, I agree, man. Have you seen him talk? What else, what else could it be? Don't have a lot of stake

in this game, so. Don't quite care. Pretty sure the president's dead. Yeah, don't care if he dies, don't care if Trump dies. Don't have a lot of stake in this game. Don't quite care. Pretty sure the president's dead. Yeah, don't care if he dies. Don't care if Trump dies. Don't care if the White House was, never mind. It's the YouTube app.

God damn it. YouTube. No, I do think there was like a period, like a year before the election, where they're like, we're just gonna lock Biden in a room for like nine months. And then they just shot him through

like whatever like soldier super serum yeah like the nazis used yeah he he sleeps in like those wax vats that are in like that movie wanted where like oh yeah yeah he's got to have something like that set up yeah he's like a pre cog for minority report and i think they like jack him up full of like cocaine before speeches and stuff because every once in a while when he does like a state of the union like every nine months people will be like oh he's speaking pretty well when he does a State of the Union, like every nine months, people will be like, oh, he's speaking pretty well, but he always seems jacked. Right.

He's like grabbing at his nose. Yeah. He's like, we should open a bar. We should do that. We should go to Vegas right now. We could go to Vegas. We could be in Vegas four hours from now. Okay.

Back to Colton. I do. I kind of feel bad. I'm kind of feeling bad for him here. I don't know about you guys. Devin's very... Devin hates... Devin's like an atheist or something.

No. I did mushrooms and something happened. I saw something. Devin's never read the Nag Hammadi. Right. Okay. He's never read any of the Gnostic Gnostic. Devin owns a bunch of Richard Dawkins t-shirts.

So we know where he stands. Devin owns a bunch of Richard Dawkins t-shirts. We know where he stands. Devin has a flying spaghetti monster tattoo. You know someone on the Discord, by the way, has a coexist tattoo. Man, that sucks. Really? That they got when they were a teen. Like a bumper sticker tattoo? Yeah, and they were like, this is the most embarrassing.

Where it's the coexist where the C is the communist and then shows all the different religions. It's like getting Keep Tahoe Blue tattooed on your back yeah get a get a honk if you're horny tattoo right save the whales like an npr tattoo kpfk just put a license plate on your own back at that point big one i know you get this question a lot. Are there animals in heaven? Did you see animals? What a bullshit question. You don't want to know. Animals? You don't want to know what I'm about to say, Lord Natalie Tizzy.

He turns to his dad. He goes, dad, may I? May I? I could unleash some unknowable horrors that would fry your brain. Like a Lovecraftian short story. There are animals in heaven, but Anthony Camille is up there too

with a Behringer rifle. In heaven, there's a big sign. It says, no jerseys. No sacking pants. No flat deals. By the way, there's so many restaurants in LA that say that on the front when you walk in. Really?

Oh, you guys haven't seen it? Like, if you walk into, like, the South Beverly Grill, I don't know, I'm trying to put them on the spot. Say no. In Beverly Hills? No flat brims. It says, like, no jerseys, no. It's saying, hey, if you dress like a black person, you're not allowed in the establishment. That's because they had a bad experience with TI.

I'm not kidding. Oh, at that restaurant specifically? South Beverly Grill is Houston's, and Houston's occasionally gets in trouble for being racist because a rapper comes in with his crew. Oh, yeah, yeah. They have rules, and they then claim it's racist. They should just have a sign that says,

Dennis Rodman not welcome. They should just name the specific people they're trying to talk about. Yeah. They should make a sign that says no scaring the customers because the customers are the racist ones yeah yeah not Houston's which is a great great play I could see the look on Devon's face said throw him a little animals? Yeah, I saw animals and one of the animals that I enjoyed playing with was the lions. And they were tame?

He's like, there are animals. They do have gay people there. They keep them in cages. Like animals. Go back a second, Ben. I hate this lady. I mean, what a retarded question to ask if you actually met someone that went to heaven why would you ask if there's animals and she goes colton i know you get this question all the time but are there animals like i know this is the first question

everyone asks right she's just a freak she's like i fuck animals go play it one more time because she says something weird that I'm not sure I heard right. Okay. Things like that, just like it looks on Earth? Yep. I know this is a big one. I know you get this question a lot.

Are there animals in heaven? Did you see animals? Yeah, I saw animals and one of the animals that I enjoyed playing with was the lions. And they were tame? Oh, tame. They didn't didn't hurt what did you think she said and you came and they were fine colton you came in the line you came in the line right

colton colton can you fuck the animals in heaven i know you get this question a lot can you fuck them are you familiar with uh mr balloon hands have you seen that video, Colton? Can I do that in heaven? Can I get fucked to death by a horse, Colton? Look at his catatonic parents. Just sitting there. Fucking virgins. Haven't spoken up once. Yeah, how'd they even make Colton? Yeah.

How do you? Right. When did they have sex? The wife gathered up a wet dream cum and just shoved it in her pussy. They look like they did some raising Arizona shit and they just stole a baby from an orphanage or something. Colton's pure pre-cum. He's just

a pre-cum baby. He's a handjob baby. He's old cum. She found a used sock and shoved it in her pussy. Colton is eight day old cum. He's four years old. We're brutalizing him. They asked for project the fuck.

He asked for this, man. He did. Fucking liar. Fucking retard. Yes. Everyone was. Was there bad weather? No.

It was always sunny. Was there night and day? That's another part that sort of faded, but I'm not really sure. I think it's just day. Was there music? Yes. The music that you hear at church, trumpets, symphonies, what kind of music? The music that you hear at church?

Trumpets? Symphonies? What kind of music? It's hard to describe what sort of music when I was four at the time. Oh, he's not far right, of course. Yeah, I heard a lot of stuff. Here's the thing. If I die and go to heaven, he's fucking wrong. I'm going to kick his ass.

I'm going to be pissed. Is that him now? Yeah. Okay, so do you know about pure flicks it's netflix but for christians oh hell yeah it's uh there's all these uh you know movie studios that just make christian movies that are starring like greg kinnear and kurt cameron and things like that okay uh this is pure flicks i guess they did an interview with our very own billy hollowell sat down with real life heaven is for real son Colton Burpo to

talk about his experience has shaped his life and faith telling others about Jesus and where he's at now because pure flicks acquired heaven is for real I don't know who Billy Halliwell is I bet you anything he fucks men I would bet my life on that okay yeah

yeah okay let's see if he has sex with guys that are gay. Colton, how's it going today? It's going well. How's it going for you? Yeah. Yeah. That's Joey Fatone.

He looks like Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. Yeah. Colton's looking like Ted Kaczynski. Colton looks like he's sending bombs to God. Colton looks like he's sending bombs to God He does have a fucking Backwoods look to him God loves Tannerite He looks like the lawyers for the guys from Deliverance

The guys who raped Ned Beatty He looks like the guy that gave up in Deliverance That just jumps off the boat And they're like did he get shot He was a pussy He thinks heaven's real interference that just jumps off the boat. And they're like, did he get shot? Yeah, he's like, he just died. He was a pussy. He thinks heaven's real.

He wanted to die quick. He could be, this might be his, like, his southern. This is a Christian version of, like, an Aaron Carter face. He's having. Yeah. He might be secretly, like, on a bunch. He might be on lean. He could be.

And oxys and stuff. He kind of looks like Bo burnham a little bit kind of yeah this is what they do to child stars i mean he's like this is this is the christian amanda binds you know he's gonna get face tattoos yeah the fucking the what is this pure flicks they're you know the dan schneider of pure flicks like you kept him in a cage and who knows what happened you know what they say about uh you know what they say about you like when people are sober they're like but if i met this one person i'd have a beer with them i'd break my sprite i'd break if i went into a bar and colton and colton asked me

to have a beer with him i might break it for him and just be like i'd kind of want to get it out of him to see if it really happened or not. I'd like if you had that one beer and you get sucked back into the church. You're like, guys, can't do the podcast anymore. And you're just the AV guy at some Southern Baptist church making like $10,000 a year. Yeah, Colton Burpo baptizes me in front of the congregation.

I come down crying. I had a podcast that was weirdly kind of vaguely racist. baptized me in front of the congregation I come down crying and just like rubbing my back in front of the congregation tell the congregation your sins you like we said stairs well then we knew we could get away with, and we didn't say the ones we couldn't, but we would if we could. I said, f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fag. And the preacher leans in and he goes, that one's actually okay. Yeah, that's fine.

That one's fine, son. Ain't nothing wrong with that, boy. Ain't nothing wrong with it. That'd be great. The podcast was named about old guys having sex. that'd be great the podcast was named about old guy guys having sex

our family all of our family members would be so happy if we went back hard Christian they tell us just to do lemon party at the church we'd make more money

we had we could have Kanye on yeah one old guy went before our congregation once and he was just yeah i can't even get this out so they i thought we talked about we probably did it they would at the end of every sermon they would always have them we may have told devon before i don't think we've said on the show

yeah somewhere but they would have like a'd do the sermon and they'd be like, now, if anybody's struggling with sins or wants to repent in front of the congregation, come down now. You talk to me. Or you get baptized. Or you get baptized if you ain't been baptized yet, but no double baptisms. Come on down. No double baptisms. No double baptisms.

That makes you Jew. Come on down. And there was like, there was one time like an old guy in his mid-50s came down. He's like weeping. And he's fucking dressed like the dad from Calvin and Hobbes. Just big, I don't get my dick sucked glasses anymore. And a bun up. And just like his penis tucked into his ass.

And he waddles down and he's crying and they're like okay brother larry has some things he wants to say for the congregation and it's like old guys in suits he just gets up and he's crying goes i've been i've been watching internet pornography and i can't stop watching internet pornography and masturbating to And it's dead silent. It's just dead sour watching this. Like, grown man weep just because he's fucking, he's just stroking his dick. When, like, preacher conventions would come to town people would monitor uh web activity for certain hotels supposedly i don't know i heard this from somebody in in church i heard this when we went to christian they told me about this thing someone

found out where when the pastors came to town for this big comp for this big preachers conference the pornography usage in the hotel spiked like crazy yeah like it went off it didn't even touch the crap the marriott's like we gotta prep for the preachers they're like putting new servers in they're putting a satellite above the in aerospace they're like shooting another one up yeah yeah they're like we need to get this on a private server the marriott cannot go down because of these sick fucks. It's like power generators. Yeah, yeah.

Like, it's worse than having a furry convention, having a bunch of southern pastors come over. It's just guys with, like, spina bifida from jacking off. Yeah, yeah. They have, like, scoliosis from beating off too much. Guys who jerked off so much, it took the marrow out of their bones because they ran out of cum. Imagine what those preachers do

in those hotel rooms as soon as they get in there. Yeah, a lot of sick. I imagine as soon as the door is shut, they immediately start undressing. As soon as the jacket rips off, the shoes fly against the wall they're naked in a matter of four they take a suit off and they're dressed like sam smith at the emmys

they just have like chains and whips all over and they're like i need a woman to come in and rip one of my balls off so i can come hey just calling the front desk like hey could you guys send a locksmith up to my room my uh cock cage Can't seem to find the key to my cock cage. Calling the front desk. Can you send your meanest maid up so she can just whip me in the ball? Whip me in the ball? Whip me in one ball. I was coaching an early pornography.

Incastigating to an early pornography. A guy who runs his own chainsaw business. He's in front of his kids and his wife. I remember him walking down the aisle like a duck. Just sort of flat-footed. And just like he has some sort of... Like me, kind of. The people you see in church are some of the sickest looking individuals you've ever seen in your life.

It's just the worst open mic ever. Yeah, except instead of buying a drink, you have to just state what autoimmune disease you have as you walk in the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, my feet are eating me. You see people at church where you think they might have an eye in their hand. Yeah, their hands labyrinth characters. They hold up. I remember him

as he's approaching the podium. He just started turning like mega red. He started turning make America great again red as he's approaching. He turned into like the devil.

Yeah. It's like a bunch of guys that look like Mitch McConnell going up and just saying like, I keep lubricate with my cum. Right. There's like, I can't, I can't stop raping kids y'all i raped all these kids here lord knows and the church would be like oh you know that's the devil devil made him do it one of the professors from our private christian university

this week got arrested for, did you see this? Yeah, he sent it to me. Okay. Yeah. He adopted three kids and then he raped all of them. He was a Christian professor at our private Christian university. It's one of the most popular Christian universities in the nation.

Not the biggest. Are they giving him like a paid leave? What's the punishment there? Yeah, they're giving him a desk job. Yeah. They promote him to make him pope. I think they're just taking away his gun. Taking away his gun.

He's losing gun privileges. Now, you can write, but not at gunpoint. You gotta do it by knife like the Europeans. Now, it's a man's honor to force somebody to have sex with you. Not be all weak and use a gun like a pussy. You gotta be chivalrous. That's how... You gotta be chivalrous.

That's how pussies rape. Did you know this guy, Ben? I don't remember him. Did you know him? I raped him. I don't know. I didn't know him. Same campus where they decided you're not allowed to have no open same-sex relationships. Relationships.

Not in the open. You have to be private about that. They can't find out about it. Yeah, you can't be openly gay. Can't be an openly homosexual person in a homosexual relationship. This is where? In Abilene? In Abilene, Texas.

In Abilene. Where we're kind of from. Yeah. Well, hey, you know, everyone, if that's the majority of the town. But I think that's the Vietnam thing. Remember the guys in college where they, back in the 70s, they tried to have like a black wristband. And then they went before the Supreme Court because the school banned the black wristband

which protested the vietnam war and then they decided that private institutions can control the political speech like that so then it was oh after that so then they got to pass laws like you can't be gay on campus so i think then they're like yeah if you go here you're not allowed to be a gay person yeah it's a private school, right? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's private. You can do whatever you want.

Yeah, yeah. But the high school I went to was private, and it was like Lord of the Flies. They just hire... We literally had teachers that were in high school like two years earlier. They were teaching us. It's a self-sustaining system of shit. Fucking awful. God, that looks like...

I forgot it was bad. I'm not going to drink it anymore. I was excited, too. It was like $6. Oh, that sucks. Eastern European food and everything is just horrific. It's made out of cabbage, I'm sure. It's awful.

Sweet cabbage. No. I wonder Hitler tried to invade all those countries. It's awful. I am hoping a listener writes in who's Russian. He's like, that's for cars. That's not soda. Ben was in a Russian auto zone.

Ben, you bought coolant. Man. Can we get a little more Colton as a man? Can we get a little... Man Colton. Can we get man Burpo? Can I get some man Burpo? I think he did like a Barstool Sports type podcast down here I saw.

He did? Yeah, look. It's like... Oh, hell yeah. Colton and Sarah J. Yeah. The author of Division at all times is Satan. Yeah. the author of division at all times is satan and for me i do recognize that sometimes when

divisions come it's because satan's trying to have people like come at blows with each other however sometimes there's divisions just because we're all very different human beings yeah very true so we can have different viewpoints, different perspectives. It's really cool because even though we might have different opinions, if we can come back to the main focus of who is God, who is Jesus, who is the Holy Spirit, how do you become saved? Little burp. Little burp.

Little burp. Then, at the end of the day, I think it just becomes a little bit more like ironing sharp he looks like how hayley joel osment should have ended up what happened to hayley joel osment i met him a few years ago he loves golf okay flies back and forth from new york to la and he uh i think he does like a broadway and stuff but he still acts right really nice guy like really short though yeah and he just like he just he was Right. Really nice guy. Like really short though. Yeah, and he just like, he just,

he was, his cute heyday was as a kid. He's just like. It's almost like they tried to remove his pituitary gland or something to like keep him younger. Yeah, it seems like

a botched surgery or something happened to him. Because his sister looks pretty normal. Yeah, he just has, I don't know, like he was just meant to be a cute child

and now he just, he looks. Now he looks like the guy who raped him like he was just meant to be a cute child and now he just yeah It looks now he looks like the guy who raped him when he was a child Yeah, he looks like he was his own manager What's interesting is I was it's like a time machine stories like I raped myself in the past It's like that God, I forget the name of that science fiction movie i know what you're talking about but i can't think of it where the guy goes back in time gets a sex change and he's his own

mom dad and son oh is that tootsie yeah uh jays by the way i didn't realize this is this a is this from our home video footage that looks like your guys you guys have like a baby in the family that you guys showed me that looks like this guy. Oh, yeah. My sister gave birth to a big mouth Billy Bass. Yeah. Your sister gave birth to Butterbean. Beautiful child, but he is... Beautiful. Oh, I love him.

He's Avery, so he's just huge. He's 100 pounds. He looks like he has a CDL. Yeah. He already plays for the Cowboys. He's a grain fed baby. Yeah. Pure grain. he's a grain fed baby yeah pure grain yep uh that was the with the we uh i was the first child born this will surprise nobody got stuck and they had to like they tried to do natural birth and they

had to push me back up and then do a c and then do a c yeah you big as shit boy yeah the doctor goes boy there was an offensive line coach while you were being born. Like, yeah, we signed him. I told him, get out of that pussy, boy. Get up out there. This baby's now the property of Abilene Christian University. It's slavery with giant white children. We think we can get him out there in the fall with Winchell and Boobie Miles and Winstate.

We're going to get this baby running tires. Oh, yeah. Don't you worry. Their heads are built for contact. If you don't mind, man, let's put him in a football helmet now so he grows into it perfect. Jason, tell the story about when the guy just wanted to shake your hand. Oh, yeah. This is an old stand-up that I used to do,

but it was literally like, guys, I would go visit my family back in Texas because I'm 6'5", and guys would be out to eat at some... It's called like Ranch Fucks. Ranch Fucks, retard steakhouse for big old boys. Sherry Allen's butt fucking buck. Yeah, come to the big fuckers.

We'll feed you out of a toilet. Come to dead fatties. Come on down to neglected kids and get yourself... Come on down to Shovel Town. Bring yourself your death certificate and you eat half off.

Has the government declared you legally dead? We'll fill your boot up with grease. You can drink it all you want for a nickel, boy. Come on down to Bucket of Slop. So you go to these places and these old

taxes guys who just like, I remember. You know, guys like, I killed 85 Japanese people in the war and they like guys are just coming to you they go they literally like walk up to you you don't even know and they just go goddamn boy you big as shit and they'd be like how big are you and i go i'm six five and they go how much do you weigh and i'm like two seven they go can I let me shake your hand you like you don't play for anything

yeah I don't play for anything you just are big just are big it's like I want to shake your hand it's like it's very tribal to them

you're like a demigod or something yes you have some sort of supernatural power yeah right like they think

my photo should be on the wall like a Benihana or something. Yeah, yeah. And you sign it? Yeah. Jay's big as shit, Avery. Jay's big as shit.

They go, who'd he play for? Nobody. Cartoonist. Cartoonist. He was a bit of an emotional boy, kind of what we called a fag back in the day. Didn't really like contact sports. That being said, he was big as shit. So he's on the wall.

He was big as shit. He would knock boys out and just cry afterwards because he felt bad. And then we'd call him a big gay retard and he'd cry some more. I remember you getting chewed out in football because the guy, the ref, threw a flag. And then you went and picked up the flag and ran back over and handed it to him. It was just basic politeness. God damn that fucking shit. Don't you be gay.

No time for this game. I remember we had, we might be talking about this too long, but I, there was a play, there's a counter play in football where I was the right guard. So you're one off the center and the play is your right guard. Everybody on the left side of the line pushes really quick and they let the end go. The defensive end. I, as a right guard, turn, go down the line. The defensive end doesn't see me.

He thinks he has a free pass to the quarterback. And I come and just hit him in the ear hole. And I would just fuck guys up. And I felt so bad because you're hitting a guy who doesn't know. Right, yeah. He's about to get hit, but they call counter nine. And I'd see like 45-year-old men be like, Dick and Tom! What? know right yeah he's about to get hit but they call counter nine i'd see like 45 year old man and i'm like i'm like i'm like 14 and i'm like this is cte brain damage yeah it's those guys are so interesting too because it's itocko Willink's brain and a 500 pound man

who can't see his penis it's Jocko Willink's brain and a man who does no hard work whatsoever it's a guy who thinks he's a slave owner for children that just live around his community it's some really sick shit it is actually

why is all those towns have? I know. When did that start? Like, how did football become the only thing anyone gives a shit about in Texas? Because there's nothing to do. High school football. Children. There's no economy or anything.

So it's just... Everybody makes 40 grand a year. I'm not kidding. I love it so much. I want to fly to Texas sometimes and go to local football games. Because the environment looks amazing. We could do that. I'm obsessed with high school football.

Not high school football. But I love those towns where they care and the idea of that big Friday night. You just love Friday night lights. I love Friday night lights. I saw some crazy stuff at football games. I saw a Texas Ranger arrest a pedophile who was going in a bathroom trying to take pictures of little girls. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah.

Jesus. And the Texas Ranger guy I knew was badass. He's fucking awesome. He got promoted to the level of Texas Ranger where you can just shoot people and not do paperwork. Yeah. You're completely lawless. And he wore a cowboy hat and he had a big fucking gun on his hip. He looked like, who's that country singer that's really popular?

Kenny Chesney? One of them. George Strait. He looked like that guy. He looked like George Strait a little bit. He was bad. He was awesome. He was my baseball coach.

He was really cool. And he caught a pedophile. Yeah, he caught a pedophile. Arrested him and walked him to the... Wow. Yeah, he had one. He just walked him out when someone gets a cat like out of their garage.

He just like had a pedophile. He's like, I got one here. Got one. Just threw it in the back of his truck. We're going to throw him in the pedophile tank for the night. He's got the crazies. Let him get the fever out.

Like Andy Griffith when that guy would come in really drunk on the cow. Yeah. The town drunk. But it's just a guy who's a pedophile. The guy's a pedophile. He's like, lock me up, Andy. I'm going to rape again. I didn't know a guy like that existed.

Did you ever see Andy Griffith? My dad watched a lot growing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a big fat guy that rides a cow through the town. And they go, alright, and they go sleep here in the jail. He just opens the jail song and goes to bed. That's the only guy I've ever met

or I've ever seen, excuse me, the only guy I've ever seen that talks like Joey. Is in the Andy Griffith show? Is in the Andy Griffith show. Joey is like a 1940s milkman that somehow just exists now. Joey is like a prizes milkman that somehow just exists now. I know, he's like a time traveler.

Joey is like a prize fighter from the 50s. He somehow walked out of Perry Mason into just art. So it's funny, because he does talk like that, but he'll just be like, yeah, did you hear the new, I don't know, whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you hear the new Danzig, buddy? Yeah, so you hear him like a gumshoe. Be like, Danzig buddy yeah so you hear like a like a gumshoe be like Danzig's crazy this year but then he'll say modern terms so it's even funnier he'll be like word buddy bruh

word bruh yeah it's lit it would be weird if you watched old black and white footage of like a World War I veteran in war and he's like oh snap buddy just like running from the enemy i i saw a video i i don't think i would be able to find this um but it was it was a somebody posted on twitter it was like a hundred year old man complaining about today's generation yeah and they go they go what's wrong

with today's society and he does he's like this he goes hey just they don't and he never names it he doesn't say anything he can't think of anything he just goes the way they're just walking around it's just to thank our boys dad for that that our boys died for that that's on twitter bet i think you can find it yeah let me see i think it's in my like tweets let me see if i can find it. Let me see. I think it's in my like tweets. Let me see if I can pull it up real quick. It's so funny. It's just like, God, what an old fucking loser.

I think it's from yesterday. Go to top. Go to top. I'll see if I can find it. There it is. No, no, that's... Oh, they're trying to talk about how a hundred year old man died of the vaccine world war ii fat died of the vaccine that's that's good or didn't die

i don't know whatever youtube thinks is that's what i think um yeah i'm not seeing this guy let me just go to jace's thing i want you to see how many fucking people I hate that I like tweets from so I can send to people later. By the way, Jace, what's his face went on? I don't think. Colton Burple went on the 700 Club, which kicks ass. Did you not like it? What if I go through Jace's likes and it's just porn stars? I mean, that's what I'm worried about.

It's just OnlyFans girls. I don't see. Oh, here it is. Google 100-year-old veteran. I mean, look it up on Twitter. 100-year-old veteran? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. God, I can't wait for you guys to see this guy. By the way, Jace, Colton Burpo went on the 700 Club, which I bet is a banger. We'll pull it up. Oh, look at this guy. Oh, my God. This guy invented racism.

The things we did. People don't realize what they have. They bitch about it. I am so upset that the things we did and the things we fought for and the boys that died for it, it's all gone down the drain. Our country's gone to hell.

This is just not the same. That's not what our boys, that's not what they died for. I just... And people don't realize what they hear. But he never says a thing. He never says a thing. But what is wrong? He never says a thing.

He goes, they're just, they're mixed. That's kind of what he said. He's like, it's not. We had it in the palm of our hand, and we gave it away. They're falling asleep in the drive-thrus at Wendy's, and they're saying, hands up, don't shoot. Just crying like a fucking old bitch. What a fucking old loser.

An old loser. Can you imagine being that close to death and you're just like, They won't pull their damn pants up. Just being like a men going their own way guy. Dude, he's mad at black people from 2002. They won't pull their damn pants up. Just being like a men going their own way guy. Dude, he's mad at black people from 2002. He doesn't even know about modern black people. He doesn't know.

He's still pissed. That's when he stops storing new thoughts and memories in his head. No, literally. He's like, pull your damn pants. It's like they're wearing skinny jeans now. You don't even, you're two decades behind. He's mad about Allen Iverson still. I see Allen Iverson. Yeah, he's like, I see Allen Iverson.

That's not what our boys die for. They made Eminem eat booty at the MTV Music Awards and that ain't right. You telling me Tom Green can hump a dead moose? Oh man, he looks like an old SS officer too.

He looks like they just found him and he used to be called the Merchant of Death or some shit. He looks like a Nazi scientist. He looks like a Nazi. This is like Joseph Mengele. He looks like Hitler. This is if Hitler lived. He'd look like this guy.

That's the boys he's talking about died for as the German soldiers in World War German soldiers We used the things we did We used to take body parts And put them in different places We used to play Mr. Potato Head With a Jewish lady And now You see them

As an interracial couple Listening to their jazz music Much worse Harlem Renaissance my ass intertwining R&B with hip hop he's mad at Ray Charles for mixing gospel and soul

it's not even traditional hip hop now they're all singing like fairies wow did we let Drake become popular? I mean, Kanye was doing some interesting stuff on 808s, but that shouldn't be the whole game. He did. Drake. He didn't start from the bottom.

He's a fucking nepo, baby. I guess if you're insanely racist, if you're racist to the point where you're like a German idealist or something like that sure like this this this young man is he wearing a military uniform by the way yeah I think he's wearing the I've seen guys on Joe Rogan wear stuff like this so I think it's Marines yeah that's what a guy that sells coffee on joe rogan also wears yeah this is if you're a barista yeah at guantanamo bay this is the uniform you wear if you're making the uh the uh americanos yeah yeah for uh united states uh marines at guantanamo bay yeah whoever's there yeah you're selling the skull fuck brew at guantanamo Bay. Yeah. Whoever's there. Yeah. You're selling the Skull Fuck Brew at Guantanamo. You're drinking Black Rifle coffee while you're sicking a Doberman on an Afghani child.

And then you wash down some liquid death. You go, I need water that ain't gay. This Dishani sounds gay to me. This guy probably also was like You know he was at D-Day Just hiding on a boat somewhere Like a coward Right it's like yeah

The boys that I watched That I was supposed to be leading All die When I ran away from my platoon That's not the boys We got ambushed And I shot them in the leg So I could get away

That's not what they died for They were all dying While I was banging a French milk woman in a barn. It would be funny if he was just like mad about the state of comedy. They all died so the fighter and the kid could go on for eight or nine years. I mean, what the hell is the gringo poppy? I mean, what the hell is the Gringo Poppy? I mean, what the hell? It wasn't even a special. It was 28 minutes long.

You tell me when the bubble's gonna fucking burst. Stop selling podcast equipment to people. It's a vacuum. The Lemon Party boys are taking advantage of it. Yeah, he's commenting. The Lemon Party's a cringe. I don't like South Park boys. No more South Park.

He's the guy commenting on our YouTube. Knock it off with the key and peel stuff. That guy's awesome. I love that guy. Love a Gonda hater. He hates us so much. He hates us from Uganda. His name is Uganda hater? It's something like that. I love that guy. I love Uganda Hater. He hates us so much. He hates us from Uganda. His name is Uganda Hater?

It's something like that. Something like that. Oh, we made fun of Uganda on the... Yeah, but he's been upset at us since we started. I think he watches only a few seconds, and then he makes that typical Key and Peele comment every episode. Because I said it's the only thing he has is Key and Peele. He only thinks Key and Peele is the only thing that ever existed.

Because I said it's the only thing he has. He only thinks Key & Peele is the only thing that ever existed. Like a Key & Peele VHS washed on shore in whatever little thing he lives in. And it is good. Yeah, it is good. But stop comparing our podcast to Key & Peele. Well, I don't think he likes it. I think he thinks Key & Peele is like woke or something.

I don't know what. I don't know. He doesn't speak right. I respect the consistency of the hate. He hates us, though, and it's great. Helps the algorithm, Uganda hater. Keep it up, Uganda hater. It's kind of like just showing up like, you know, it's like one of those where you get annoyed at him

and then one that you don't see the comment anymore and you're like, aw. Where'd he go? Uganda hater. Where'd Uganda hater go? You imagine him washing up on a beach somewhere like it's Inception, and he just like, he reaches over and grabs his phone

and goes not as good as the new Kean Phil and then posts and then just passes back yeah

yeah he's on a he's on a steam liner that's going under the ocean that's sinking he's like one last time let me post a comment

oh man I love that guy though yeah I love you guy in the hater uh uh patreon.com slash living party i'm glad we talked about this old racist fuck he just has to be racist his wife's probably black can you play the the end just one last time just so i can get the him

crying like the last 15 seconds yeah wait why does it say readers out of context they thought people might want to know? For context, the veteran in the video is specifically distressed over the fact that people today won't have the opportunities he has when he was young. Oh, they have to tell us

that it's not because he hates the new generation. He's upset we don't have the opportunities. That is not true. He's obviously just pissed for no reason. Are you kidding me?

There's no way that's what he thinks. No. There's no way to help. Not at all. And I'm not going to watch the full video to be proven completely wrong right now. No.

I mean, this guy hates Steph Curry. He saw... What was it? This is really... If you went inside my brain, it would look like that. It looks like a drawing of yours. Just an old guy saying, they died. Wait, wait, you want to see him cry?

Yeah, just like that. He makes the, you know the, Jason, you know the in Liar Liar when the lady with really big tits gets on the elevator and he starts making the mommy. Yeah. He starts making those lips. Look. That's not what they died for. He starts making the I want to suck on the titties lips because he's so sad. Well, he's trying to keep his teeth from falling out.

Yeah. Anyway, fuck that guy. Fuck you. You flip off a 100-year-old veteran. Fucking war criminal. The last World War II veteran. Eat my shorts, dickhead. Suck my ass, you old fag.

God, we're just going straight to hell. This is the meanest show. Straight to hell. Oh man. Yeah. The horrible things he's seen. He was probably one of the guys that like started feeding like all the jews like in the in the concentration camps like immediately they all exploded like fucking when you give like a pigeon alka-seltzer oh yeah yeah like at weddings when pigeons eat rice and then they their heads blow off he probably was the fucking just this dunce just stepping into rakes in World War II

they're liberating like Dachau and then he just starts feeding them and all these Jews just exploding he's giving them Mentos and Pepsi

it's good to liberate Dachau here make sure you take your Mentos and your Pepsi at the same time we all fall into out here is make sure you take your Mentos and your Pepsi at the same time. We all flipped him off. I know. So mean for no reason.

Fucking bitch. It's so fun. It's so fun to be mean to somebody you have no reason to be mean to. Well, that's your shadow is everybody is like pure like evil supposedly. Don't put some science on it. I just want to enjoy it.

Man, poor guy. Well, anyway. So should we go to the patron? Also, old guys are just emotional. That's why he doesn't have any specifics. He doesn't know. Like my grandfather, when he was getting this old, they just start crying,

and they look at a rose in their backyard. Tomatoes, I'm coming in. Your mother's a jello's mother. You just don't even know what they're going through. They're like pregnant women. The death is just coming for me. Every day the atmosphere caves in. They're pregnant with death.

Yeah. They're like a pregnant, they're pushing out the Grim Reaper and he's gonna come out of him one night and kill him. And take him to hell. That is the amazing thing when you talk to like really old people and they're like,

you're just like, Gam Gam, how are you doing? They're like, I'm going to die today. Yeah, this guy, man. Well, I hope. Well, he's dead now. Oh, this guy, man. Well, I hope... Well, he's dead now. Oh, this guy died?

I mean, if this was shot in the past, he's dead now. Yes. This was shot earlier today. If this was shot two days ago, he's dead. So I think we're fine. What sucks is I don't have any caffeine or anything to drink, so I have a headache. I've had a splitting headache this whole episode. Well, let's take a break.

Wait, give me one of those beers. Oh, no, I can't. Well, take a break. We'll give you an aspirin and some coffee. That shit's amazing. Shug-free Red? Shug-free Red Bull. It's amazing.

It's incredible stuff. Does good work. That is good. Are your dogs being killed by a pack of coyotes right now? We just heard them wail. Potentially. We will get into that on the uh okay on the page on the patreon patreon.com slash lemon party uh unless this is the patreon who knows because we never know yeah sad drawings by jace devin costa hate watch pod patreon.com slash lemon party subscribe to the lips uh the clips channel lemonips. I've been going live on there.

Lock the gates. Субтитры создавал DimaTorzok Thank you.