lemonparty - 024: Brokeback Mountain 2

Episode Date: April 11, 2023

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what i do every morning is I wake up. There's a soy face, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, Patreon soy face. The more racist soy face. Or regular. Or regular. We never know. We never know.

It really is. We just were like, how many times did we say fake? Yeah, I mean, it's pretty much about that. Yeah. I've never said that word. But anyway, every time I wake, what I do every day is i wake up in the morning make a coffee and then around 9 30 i put a zen in and kind of have a panic attack and have to throw it out immediately it makes you it's really great because it's uh it makes you feel like your heart is beating in the future like your heart is outracing your blood yes yeah and it's you somehow become addicted to

that feeling it's like when a drummer, when his playback goes out, and then he's just not in beat anymore. Yep. I think my microphone. No, no, no. There we go. It was a little loud for me. I turned it down.

A little loud for your ears. Oh, your little ears. A little loud for Ben. I'm an audio engineer. Okay. Boy, you ain't tough enough for podcast work. You got soft hands. An old cowpoke on the range.

On the range, just... Dude, I've read a couple books now about guys in the 1850s that are being hunted by Indians and stuff. Like Revenant guys. Yeah, like... Fur trappers and shit. Yeah, like Red Dead Redemption and stuff. Like Revenant guys. Yeah, like... Fur trappers and shit. Yeah, like Red Dead Redemption type shit. Hell yeah.

I don't know, man. Look, it was scary because in the middle of the night, your whole family could be disemboweled by a bunch of Comanches. I don't know. It seems like things were kind of better then still. Still, even with all the blood. Yeah, I mean, I'm a huge fan of the Old West.

I love any, you know, I love the idea of like, if you have a problem with them, you can just kill them. At the local saloon. At the saloon in front of everybody. In front of the sheriff. Walk right home. Yeah, and the sheriff's like, all right. He shouldn't have challenged him.

You all saw it. You all saw it. He whistled at the man's wife. That's why he had to turn his head into a canoe. You're all set. He molested his boy. The idea of like, okay, you're broke and you get a parking ticket, right? In the Old West, if somebody tried to stop you while you're in the middle of nowhere

riding into a town, you'd shoot them and leave them next to a tumbleweed and you wouldn't feel guilty because you go, you're trying to stop my life. You're trying to hurt my life. Right. Like a park enforcement officer.

I'm one gold coin away from dying at all times. But on the other hand, you could be shot in the head by a child. Like a seven-year-old could have come up to you with a double barrel shotgun

and you'd be like, you killed my daddy. Right. And then blow the back of your head off. You killed my pop. Yeah. Now that I'm a grown man at seven, I've come here to beat you. That is true.

There's always that little precocious fuck out front of the ranch. He's like, my daddy taught me how to use a rifle. Right. Yeah. Every posse had one, the kid. Yeah. He's just a 12-year-old boy. Yep.

Yeah. I love the Old West, though. Love saloons. I wish I could live then, man. I'm obsessed with them. I love that shit. Like, I don't know. Like, okay, think of it this way, right?

Nowadays, you have to have car insurance and a car payment and the whole thing yeah then you could just go out in a field and kind of wrangle a horse and just like sweet uh whisper sweet nothings into its ear and then now you have you have a transportation vehicle and it's free it just eats grass yeah all you needed no permit no nothing oats and that's it yeah i love fucking i love what anytime i've ever had like like, in my worst, brokest moments, eating just beans and shit, you know, I always would just, I would comfort myself thinking about Westerns, and they're all sitting around a campfire, and they're just happy to have that tin plate full of beans.

A warm belly. Yeah. And you just go, oh, I don't know, I'm like John Wayne right now, eating my worthless meal. You know? They try to convince you that people were more racist then, but I don't think that's the case. I think like- Not according to Netflix.

All these black cowboys. Wait, is that a thing? There's like black Westerns all over Netflix. You tell me those are the magnificent seven? More like the subpar seven to me, Buster Brown. Yes, sir. You tell me the guy from Training Day who makes nothing but shit movies now is going to do Denzel Washington cowboy movie?

You tell me that? Idris Elba's in a cowboy movie? Bullshit. Bullshit. He would have been building the railroads back then. They're not even holding the gun, Chadwage. You guys want to hear a funny story? I have a retarded uncle.

Not blood, but... Oh, legitimately retarded. No, no, no. No, I just meant it in that way. We speak here on Lemon Party. No, no, no. There's nobody in my life who's been affected by mental illness. just an uncle that

most of my family hates and he moved um my uh mom's uh one of my mom's sisters he's obsessed with like westerns and cowboys and and he moved them when she was pregnant to the middle of nowhere arizona raised the kid in the middle of nowhere, Arizona. She hated it. They hated it. But he loved it. And all he would do is just watch Anaconda and Tombstone in the middle of nowhere in this desert town. And we'd visit.

We'd always like, why the fuck are you guys wasting her life here in the middle of nowhere? He loves Western so much. Anyway, she grows up and then he's anytime we went there he would always take me like rattlesnake hunting or we'd go to tombstone which is like an hour away the and it's tombstone's like a fake town right you know like there's reenactments in the town it's where they filmed tombstone and the gunfight at ok corral and shit wyatt erp doc holiday all

that shit so they built the set and then people moved in and then there's like yeah i don't know but there's like but you can live there technically, right? So a couple years ago we find out that this uncle of mine, he moved with his wife to Tombstone. He lives in a... Can you imagine living in a fake... No, come on, man.

He lives... Every morning he wakes up to like, there's a snake in my boot! Guys are having a fake gunfight. Yeah, yeah. He wakes up to a guy playing the piano all fast. Yeah. Incredible. Man, that really sucks. Yeah.

Yeah. You kind of want to, when you hear something like that, there's a small sliver of you that wants to look and go, wow, you know what? Actually, a guy like that, I really love that. You know, that's his passion and and he just, like, really went for it. But immediately you go, no, fuck that guy. Yeah, it's just...

Fuck him. It's like moving into, like, Toontown. You know? Yeah, because you know in Who Framed Roger Rabbit there was one sick bastard who lived in Toontown? And they're like, what the fuck is he doing there? What is with him? Yeah. It's like being a big fan of the Grinch.

You're like, is there a Whoville? I want to move my family there. I know. Is it Switzerland? That's like a diagnosable level of depression. It's like, I have depression so bad,

I'm going to live in 1835. Yep. I just want my F-150 and I want to drive through town pretending I'm like fucking Doc Holliday. Now, is that like a lost, a guy like, do you guys believe Now, is that like a lost guy?

Do you guys believe in reincarnation? Sure, why not? Well, yeah, some days. Is that a guy who was like one of the greatest sheriffs the country's ever seen? And like his spirit is trying to go back. Like he's the ghost of Wyatt Earp reincarnated. Yeah, but he's just like in this life, he just works at Kinko's. And he's like he, in this life, he just works at Kinko's and he's like, he has AIDS

or whatever. It's just Kinko's with AIDS. Sir, you can't work at this Kinko's. You have AIDS. It's really just people loving movies and shit too much. Life is such a hell. You just like watch

like, you know yeah behind enemy lines you're like i want to be him yeah yeah that is yeah you're so depressed you go it's me yeah that's me that's me yeah like america's full of like old basketball coaches being like i'm just like you know when the school board comes at me i'm just like owen wilson and behind enemy lines you know and i need my gene hackman to come because they can't they can't process this is just my shitty boring life and i'm gonna turn into dust and bone they make it more interesting if they pretend they're a they're a famous character you know but i mean people write their own narratives like these grand narratives in their life

just because that's so it's hard to just be I'm just a bug you know on earth I'm a bug yeah I'm a worthless bug so they're like no there's this grand I'm overcoming or I'm fighting or I'm cursed or like there's all these stories we tell ourselves to pretend we're not just a stupid little bug yes exactly people live with people hear music playing

when they have moments in their lives and stuff from their favorite shit like anytime like a feminist like posts on Twitter, I always imagine, like, they hear, like, you're gonna hear me roar. Like, that's always playing in their head. Like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. As they, like, write, like, a worthless tweet.

There's always, like, a Marc Maron, like, you know, retarded post, like, actually, if you like Trump like trump fuck you and then they hit tweet it in their head it's like yep they hear like a black keys like fucking solo playing i know yeah yeah i've caught myself doing that hack shit in the moment though yeah where you're like driving away from a breakup and you like but you purposely like keep skipping songs so you get to a sad one yep i'm just like all right then i just tell siri i'm like play angelus by elliot smith so i can be a sad retard right now yep driving around that's why i think that's why people love american beauty so much because that guy like him kevin spacey reinventing himself in that movie that's the only

thing you can actually do in terms of uh like the guy who's the hero you can actually do what he does is just burn your life to the ground yeah burn your life to the ground and start molesting a 16 year old yeah yeah that's that's really the hero's journey in modern america yeah yep is to become a pedophile yeah yeah is to get really high and right and fuck children yeah i do want the idea of the pedoph who's like, I don't follow society's rules, man. You guys are all weird about sex. I'm gonna smoke dope and listen to Zep

in the garage and I'm gonna try and fuck my daughter's sexually advanced friend. Sorry if you can't handle me fucking a preschooler. I didn't know I'm dealing with a bunch of Puritans. That's how you know if you're really depressed. If you're like god i wish i was like working out in my garage yeah like on a daily basis when you start planning stuff for your garage that's a real symptom of depression

been there yeah american beauty is really just about how violent gay people are it kind of is holy shit yeah holding it in so long they'll kill you in your garage. It's really, that's really, I think the message Sam Mendes was trying to send. I like breaking down movies like that in a really simplified, obnoxious way.

Like, Call Me By Your Name is just about a gay statutory rapist. What, now what's that? It's a movie. It's an army hammering. Oh,

right, right. And he's trying to fuck this like 16 year old kid, but they are in love and it's a beautiful love story but at the end of the day yeah you're gay pedophile at the end of the day we're kind of like they're gay so it's not it's fine it's italy you know listen i already think it's gross so who cares if they're a pedophile age doesn't exist with sun like this

you tell with this olive oil you think i can go to jail come on 12 year old drink wine here fuck a kid listen they put seafood in the pasta i can come in his ass yeah the movie really is like we're we are um so smart and we're so into literature that like like you don't even get it like we're okay with our kid having sex with like a grown man yeah and even at the end of the movie michael stuhlberg is like listen you know i've always wanted to be a rape child myself yeah it's like a beautiful scene yeah he has the scene he has the scene where he sits there he goes listen you're gonna get raped by a lot of men in your life and hopefully you'll fall in love with one of those men but the thing two people have between a pedophile and his victim that's your replacement or whatever dumb thing

he says and it's beautiful i cry so you're saying it's the only way uh like the american people can suspend their like uh disbelief is uh having him because they already think gay sex is so gross that they have to be pedophiles in the movie for people to make that jump. Well, it's the only way that that movie could exist is them being gay. Right. If it was Michael Stuhlbarg's daughter

and there's a foreign exchange student who's like 28 trying to fuck their 16-year-old daughter. It turns into a Liam Neeson movie. The family would not be like, it's love, you gotta go with it. They'd be like, he did what? Yeah, exactly. I'll bash his fucking head in with that statue he found. Exactly. It turns into Taken. Yeah, exactly. The family would not be like, it's love. You gotta go with it. They'd be like, he did what? I'll bash his fucking head in with that statue we found.

It turns into Taken. The family would be like, enough of the bike rides. Listen, we found a peach in your room with cum all over it. What the fuck is that about? Wait, did they fuck a peach in the... Timothy Chalamet fucks a peach in an attic. Spoiler alert. It is funny.

It is a really good movie and then they start like fucking you're like oh my god. Yeah. Yeah it's a bit much but that and Brokeback Mountain are still the best love stories ever made. Brokeback is one of the greatest movies that's ever been made. Men even do love stories better baby.

Wow we do everything better. That's how misogynistic we are. The only love stories I like are Brokeback Mountain. I'm like, get these annoying women out of here. The notebook sucks. My favorite thing about Brokeback, though, I think I've said to you before. Again, never have seen it.

I've never seen any gay films. Damn, dude. It's really cool and good. It's a beautiful movie written by Larry McMurtry, by the way. A great writer. The Poet Laureate of Texas wrote this? Yeah. He was a very, if you look him up, he looks like Rick Moranis, like a huge fucking nerd.

Yeah. Like loser. He looks like the deacon of a church. And it's funny to imagine him as a typewriter being like, and then he sticks his big fat cock in his wet ass. Well, you can tell what I was what I was gonna bring this big fat cock in his mouth

and he come bring but what I was gonna say you can tell he's not gay because the scene where they do fuck for the first time it's

it's literally just he bends Jake Gyllenhaal over and just shoves yeah his dry cock into an unlubricated asshole it's really violent

it's more so like just like two men, like it's like prison sex kind of. They're just like, hey, listen, there's nothing out here. Let's just, come on. Sure. Let me fuck you. Right. I already tried to fuck these sheep.

They won't let me. The movie got such a bad rap because it's like, it shouldn't have been called Brokeback Mountain. I know maybe that was the real place and that's what it's really based on, blah, blah, blah. But like, it's just, it's okay. Come on.

It's too many jokes. Brokeback. It's like, come on. It's, it made too many jokes. Broke, bad, it's like, come on. I never even thought about that. It's called, you might as well make a movie

with two gay cowboys called like, AIDS Mountain. Of course, people are gonna be like that. Yeah, Asward Junction, the great cowboy movie.

Yeah. Polyps Creek, coming this fall. Oh, yeah. I hope I'm glad by the way, when I took dad to see The Whale, I thought he'd walk out of the movie and he'd just be like,

I mean, just disgusting. I mean, just to have a gay guy just being gay like that. He just looked past his entire life. Dad saw the opening scene with him watching Gay Porn. He gay like that he just looked past his entire dad saw the opening scene with him watching gay porn he's like he folded his newspaper like i'll meet you i'll be at the the puss and boots movie it just walks across the i ain't gotta watch these sick gay bastards dad walks into that uh movie what's the what's the indian movie that made like 400

900 billion dollars yeah he walks into that and he's like god damn it yeah he just walks out he was like can i get a ticket for your only non-trans movie here yeah he's he's sitting in avatar he's like wait this is a metaphor for he keeps going from movie to movie to movie yeah oh god uh but uh the whale is the first movie i've ever been to with dad where he didn't fall asleep yeah just because he thought it was so funny he's laughing like cape fear when he was squirting the uh ranch on the pizza dad like nudged me like this like with his elbow yeah completely missing the point of the whole thing yeah there's a i want to go back to broke back real quick same there's a scene i love in that where michelle williams is you know she knows that they're yeah fucking gay

that's what she says she comes she confronts me because i know you're fucking gay. That's what she says. She confronts me and goes, I know you're fucking gay. She goes, I checked your fishy line. He wasn't even you. You fucking queer. She's like, you're fucking queer. This isn't bait, it's prep. You're sticking those worms up your ass.

You trying to protect fish from aids what are you bobbing for cum you sick bastard super insensitive montana housewife gone fishing i know she curb stomps them on the patio no sorry it's not michelle it's anne hathaway's wife where she's confronting uh she goes you guys ain't doing nothing up there, but sucking and fucking. She's like, Jack Twist, more like Jack Nasty. She says that? I forgot that. She says, Jack Twist, more like Jack Nasty.

What? It cracks me up. That's so bad. What if that's in the book? Or if she just ad-libbed that? I don't know. That's probably her going off the dome. Yeah, probably.

That was off top. I love that everything comes back to cow pokes, by the way. We're just stuck on cowboys this movie. There is a really funny scene, too, when they're trying to get hired back the next year, like Ennis Del Mar is. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes to Randy Quaid, and he's like, I ain't hiring you back.

Yep. And he's like, why not? He's like, I know what you're doing on that mountain. I know what you sick fucks did up on that mountain. Yeah. Randy Quaid's like, I know the mafia's after me and my wife. Listen, whatever a man in a devil mask and his wife want to do on a webcam, it's their own goddamn business, but you don't fuck around my shit, boy.

There's a scene where Randy Quaid goes to check on them, and he doesn't even see them really do anything gay. They're just kind of horsing around. I know. What do you mean? They're just kind of fucking with each other, like wrestling on a mountain, having fun, because they're bored and gay.

They're staying up on a mountain. They're watching a herd of sheep on a mountain for the winter. Oh, I get it. And it's just two guys, one for the night shift, one for the day shift. Randy Quaid goes up to check on them, and you just see them throwing a Frisbee back back and forth yeah they're just like having fun and you know doing kind of gay like fun and stuff but they're still not they're not kissing nobody

there's nobody's cocks out randy quaid just looks at it he's like oh face he's like he's through a telescope and he like collapses the telescope he's like god damn so is he playing like an old timey prospector but he just hates gay people he's just playing a guy who runs like a cattle yeah yeah randy quaid rules i bet he's great in that role and he's great he's great yeah because i don't even think he knows he's acting he just even though it's going on they told him like there's some gay people coming into town they want jobs and he's like yeah i got it he's like all right what's this camera doing here well it's the way they film like wildlife where they film it from really far away so it doesn't know it's being filmed yeah it's like an eagle giving birth yeah it's like planet earth but for gay guys just out in

the woods yeah randy wandered off of set to hunt gay people and they're filming them on these like huge lenses from space. Yeah, it's just like fucking Bear Grylls. Yeah, being narrated by David Attenborough.

The homo on the mountain fucks all winter. Watch as this one homo takes poppers in order to loosen this asshole. Sometimes the gay cowboy will fuck for warmth.

So when he fucks, when he fucks, it's Heath Ledger fucks Jake Gyllenhaal, who's the top? Heath Ledger's the top. They might, yeah, of course. It's also funny the way he acts in it like so

close, like that closed mouth. Like he's trying to keep calm out of his mouth while he's talking. I ain't into none of that funny stuff. I ain't no queer. I ain't no queer. I just shove my cock in your ass dry. Which would rip your dick skin right off your fucking penis. Wish I could quit you.

That's what we're good for. A couple of high altitude fucks once a year. Wish I could quit you. Like it's gay heroin. Tying off his dick and slapping it. Slapping his dick before shoving it in. God, I love that movie. The rape movie. The whale is kind of like

modern Brokeback Mountain. That's what happens to gay people now. Yeah. It is. It's Brokeback Mountain, but it takes place modern day in the Midwest. You're saying if Brendan Fraser had repressed his homosexuality in the movie, he would have just been on a horse somewhere

just sucking off a guy yeah yeah yeah it's funny because like Brendan Fraser would have had a better life in the whale if he just like just like repressed all that shit oh sorry I heard the yelling the kids are going off keep it down Elijah

Ezekiel knock it off sorry my son threw the Jewish football into your yard I mean I guess they're trying to find two coyotes to put on the fucking boat old racism against Jewish guy why don't you go build a fucking ark? Why don't you go build an ark?

Devin's racism spans like 6,000 years. I love antiquated racism. Why don't you get a couple tablets to put some rules on? Fuck face. Devin's learning like ancient languages like Aramaic and Coptic just to be like more racist. I'm learning Hebrew so I can hate Jewish

people more accurately yeah what are other great gay films well i was gonna say uh i think brookbank mountain would have been better if uh both guys were as fat as brennan fraser in the whale they're breaking the horses the horses are just flattened yeah the horse grabs the gun out of his belt and blows its brains out yeah you just see you see a tent

that's shaped like a circle yeah because they're filling it up oh my god I guess the third best gay movie has got to be Bros yeah Bros is pretty great

I didn't see that either I didn't see it either but apparently nobody saw it because people are super homophobic. According to what Billy, what's his name? Billy Eichner.

You said Billy Crystal. I was like, whatever. Might as well put Billy Crystal in there. Billy Crystal Eichner. Billy Third Reichner. Which is so funny that they pretended that that movie was bad. Nobody saw it because they hate gays. When Brokeback Mountain won all these Oscars and everyone accepted it.

14 years beforehand. I'm surprised no one saw bros considering Bowen Yang makes a cameo appearance. You'd think there'd be lines around the block. Right. Yeah. Because it's not like Bowen Yang just exists. He could be like a club that you can't get into. Yeah, he doesn't exist just to sell Verizon

commercials. That's not his whole purpose of being. Yeah, he's basically just like a guy that does commercials for Equinox. You're like Lululemon. If he's a comedian, how does he have so much time to work out? Well, I've seen his body. He doesn't look like he's working out too much.

Yeah, I don't think he's doing a lot. He's fat for an Asian guy. Is he fat? He's thin for a white guy, fat for an Asian guy. Thin for a white guy, fat for an Asian guy. Hey, everybody. MLBb we're doing an ad mlb is finally back in full swing and my bookie is going to be your one-stop shop for all your betting needs lock in futures on your favorite club to win the world series or take advantage

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All right. And now back to the fucking show. Goodbye. Fuck you. Suck my dick. Suck my fucking dick. Eat my ass. Goodbye.

Speaking of, we were talking about cow pokes and stuff. Yeah. This guy is the coolest. He was a black rancher. He born into slavery oh wow and when he got out of slavery he uh his name is robert lemons and his name is robert lemons which is awesome too but you never hear when you talk about like the great uh you know like black americans and stuff guys like this are always like left out damn he lived till he was 99 years old yeah this guy right here i'm gonna zoom in on him because this guy's black yeah he was uh he was born into slavery and he was one of the wealthiest people uh in texas when he died so

what he did is he was uh he would sell mustangs to people and the way he would do it is he would strip down naked i'm so retired i thought you meant like cars for a second like he was a car you were like he sold mustangs he was born to slavery i was like in a car lot he was a used car salesman in 1855 yeah he just comes up he's like you kicked a town this won't see how strong it is this guy looks like he gave Mark Twain permission to use the N-word. He gave him the first N-word pass. Yeah, he wrote the N-word. Huckleberry Finn. Doesn't he look like black Mark Twain?

Yeah. I was going to say he looks like old Eric Andre, but you're right. What this guy did is he learned how to... He became so wealthy by... He would strip down naked and go out into a field where there are like thousands of wild mustangs and uh compare cock size yeah yeah it's just right the horse is like he's our leader now he's popping him with a towel calling him gay right because you know there are like those white cowboys are like, I've got to run these horse cocks all day.

How am I supposed to fuck my wife if I'm standing next to a three-foot cock all day long? It must make you feel less than. It probably does. Seeing a cock that's like four feet long. Yeah, back in the old west, cuckolds just brought in a horse. For sure.

They're like, fuck Margaret. Popcorn. Could you imagine? Popcorn. Popcorn. Could you imagine? Popcorn. That's my BBC popcorn. Just a lethal penis.

My BBC. My wife got her anus prolapsed by popcorn. We got to bring in a BBC. Tonto. Yeah, doing like the two finger whistle noise there's a horse with an engorged dripping cock comes out and fucks your wife yeah cock that could kill you yeah literally like mr hands yeah in seattle yeah mr balloon hands isn't that his name or whatever i think it was just mr mr hands what is the lone ranger's horse called again tonto tonto yeah oh no that's his sidekick yeah tonto's i think i got it wrong silver silver something silver something hi ho silver hi ho silver yeah yeah whatever hi

so hi ho silver i'm gay to brook back mountain yeah hi ho silver fuck my wife uh but this this guy robert lemons he would uh it would take him uh as he would it would take him it would take him so long to eventually the horse I was just thinking the horse just kicks his wife in the head accidentally yeah she's dead just retarded just fucking gives her a

dented in face well that was all I loved retarded guys in the old west were just like yeah a horse kicked him in the head so now his head looks like a soap dish That was all. I loved retarded guys in the old west were just like, yeah, a horse kicked him in the head. Now his head looks like a soap dish and he would just live on. He was like the banker. And then he's just like, nah.

Yeah, he just stares at the sun all day. Yeah. He eats all the town shit now. Yeah. Sorry, I cut you off about Robert. Yeah. Black Mark Twain. Oh, so would uh go in a field with a bunch of mustangs stripped down completely naked and i think reports said it could take months

sometimes where he would gain the trust of all the horses and establish himself as the alpha of the group then once all the horses trusted him he would walk them into his land uh in an enclosed fence and then he would sell like thousands of mustangs and he did this constantly and he was like incredibly wealthy and had an amazing like a black story i'm surprised there hasn't been like a tv show about this guy or a movie made because yeah it's just incredible but uh if we were if we were in the tv uh show pitching game in this town boys which we most certainly are not. This, I mean, we could sell like hotcakes. Oh, yeah.

But they'd still make it gay or somehow. They'd make, they'd price them with like a black lesbian. Yeah, he'd be played by Zendaya. Yeah, they'd get the lady from Master of None in there. They're like, he was, Robert Lemons was a stud actually. The story of Robert Lemons starring Leslie Jones.

And somehow he's just like an angry MTA worker. In the old west. He has the vest and everything. He goes, the L train is shut to a horse. The L train is shut down. Did you not see the sign? Just clapping back at livestock.

You know there had to be like one, like fucking, at least one racist guy who's like, you see what happens? We don't make them slaves anymore. They're naked with the horses running around and shit. Like animals, yeah. Probably. But this guy, imagine getting out. You're born into slavery and then you get out of slavery, and then you become the richest guy ever.

That's insane. Yeah. And you have to do it by humbling yourself and living. By the way, I know the guy was worth millions and millions of dollars by today's standards. I don't think I could do some shit like that, where I live outside and poop and pee on the ground for four months yeah i'm not doing that i don't know about you guys there's no way i'm fucking doing stuff like that oh yeah i'm not

sleeping outside on the ground if i was in the os i get the laziest job there was possible which is what that'd be like a whore or something i'd be the one gay whore right but i'd still wear that dress and i go you you boys you still have a big beard yeah i lay it on top of a piano and one giant retarded cowboy comes he's like i'll take the bigger well it's funny he went through slavery and then at the in the twilight of his life he started acting like a lame white guy like obsessed with nature getting naked lighting incense running with animals. He had an into the wild type of thing. Yeah exactly. He's like Alexander

Supertramp. All the other black guys are like God he's fucking he might as well be white. What a fucking loser. It burned his social security. Burned his free man papers. Burned his papers. Died out in a bus

which isn't invented yet. Yeah just like he turned into like Henry David Thoreau yeah just prancing around what's wait like a fairy what's like Viggo Mortensen Fantastic something Captain Fantastic where he makes the whole family live on a bus

yeah and just read gay literature yeah I love that movie actually it's good movie it's funny to shit on oh very funny he's a retard no he's 100% that's the whole I mean that's my favorite part of the movie is it sets up like look at this hero and then by the end they're like

no his kids are dying you ruined your kids it doesn't matter that they read a lot like they suck ass tell them about Chipotle and like fucking South Park so they could fit in your oldest son is a virgin and your daughter has a bone sticking out of her leg you're mentally retarded yeah you're an idiot it's kind of your kids are like doing break-ins like they're falling off roofs like it's kind of a nihilistic uh message i think

in that movie because they're saying like okay this kid knows all the amendments and he's six and this kid doesn't know like what country he lives in and it's his retarded cousin and yet uh they're both gonna do like this like what's the lives in and it's his retarded cousin and yet uh they're both gonna do like this like what's the fucking difference basically why do you have to know all the amendments why do you have to read the gay science by the time you're seven what do you have to read all this literature it's not doing anything the scene it's making you retarded you can't date a woman you can't talk to a girl you can't be social you can't live in society and then you also can't live in the woods what's the point yeah yeah like pump your kids full of outdated

information that like we don't keep up with like it in essence it seems like oh no they're much smarter but you actually just know a bunch of shit that we don't even abide by anymore yeah you're like one of those parents who's like my kid doesn't have an iphone it's like well your kid's not gonna have any friends throughout his entire life congrats you gave your kid autism because he's not gonna make a friend till he's 25 yep he's gonna grow up to hunt people families that like don't have tvs for their kids it's like i'm sorry you're just you might as well just kill him because you might as well bottomize your kid in 2023 is going into into like third grade he's like have you guys read bridge to terabithian they're like shut up

yeah shut the fuck up aren Aren't you watching Euphoria? Beating the shit out of him. Yeah. Your kid's getting squirrelys at school because he doesn't know what Breaking Bad is. Your kid doesn't know

to pretend to be gay yet. How's he gonna make friends? Yeah, your kid's not a psychopath yet. He's gonna get eaten alive. Yeah, your kid's voting for DeSantis. Do you think he's

gonna make friends? Man, if I have a kid, do I give it a computer? If I have a child? Here's the thing. Whatever your kid is going to have autism no matter what you do. So I think you just bite the bullet on that. Yeah, I just give him fluoride tablets and stuff. Because if you don't give him a computer, he's going to become like a Leonardo da Vinci autistic guy.

Your kid's going have like no acls yeah your kid's gonna be born with your kid's gonna be born with al's Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, man. Yeah, I think I'll give my kid a computer, though. Might as well. You just got to give him a computer. And then you block a bunch of the sites that he shouldn't go on. And then he'll find ways around those.

Or she. You got to throw him in the deep end. You got to let him have access to everything. But you just have to be in their lives. And talks with them yeah and lead them you have to actually be like a good parent just be an iron i will protect them right you can't be like that parent who like just never tells their kid about sex or the internet or anything and then you know you're just really hurting them a lot yes but i think every kid at some point gets radicalized now and i think we kind of miss that era a little lot more. But I think every kid at some point gets radicalized now. And I think we kind of miss that era a little bit. I think now every kid goes through a few years where they're a militant feminist or a hardcore guy who's just super into taking apart guns and then putting them back together.

I think everybody has those phases now. Yeah, kids. I had that phase when I was like 21. I just got super into like weaponry. Yeah, that's the thing. We were weird little fucked up Christian kids. And then at like 25, we were getting into stand-up comedy. I was literally.

Those are the consequences. I was the kid in Fantastic Mr. Whatever. Fox. What was it? Captain Fantastic. Yeah, you're like Fantastic Four. I was that kid where he's like, fuck, I was supposed to marry that girl. Like, the way you're raised. Remember when he was talking to the chick and he's like, fuck, I was supposed to marry that girl. The way you're raised...

Remember when he was talking to the chick and he's like, we're going to get married and we're going to have kids. But he literally just met her 30 minutes prior. I was that kid where I was like, well, my first girlfriend when I'm 14, I'm supposed to marry her when I'm 18. And we're supposed to have kids by the time we're 19. I had all that pressure in my head where the only person I've ever had interest in, I have to marry them.

Like crazy shit. And you should just be thinking about fingering a girl. That's about it. Yeah, you should be thinking about going to the roller rink and getting high without mom and dad knowing. You shouldn't be thinking about your wedding when you're 13. No. Like a queen.

Like a gay queen. That's right. Yeah. You should be thinking about tricking a 13- a gay queen. That's right. Yeah. You should be thinking about tricking a 13-year-old into touching your penis. Yeah. During the last few years

where you can do that. Don't raise your kids like they're gonna die at like 33. Like it's the old days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You shouldn't raise a kid where like when they're 17

they're like, I don't know what a vagina is. I'm pretty sure if a girl takes her pants off there's nothing down there. Yeah, I get jealous because we were raised Christian. I get jealous I never got to what a vagina is. I'm pretty sure if a girl takes her pants off, there's nothing down there. Yeah, I get jealous because we were raised Christian. I get jealous I never got to fuck a kid legally. You know?

You know, that's just what I'm saying. I don't want to, but, you know, there's guys who are fucking 16-year-olds at 16. I know. I could have been fucking doing that. No, I regret that, too. I have the same thing. I'm like, God damn it, I could have.

The only legal time. The loophole. And then I could have just been masturbating to that this whole time. When I have the same thing. Yeah. God damn it. I could have the only legal time. The loophole. And then I could have just been masturbating to that. When I was the same age. Yeah. Yeah. My friends, I got like handjobs at 13. I'm like, God damn it.

Yeah. Because you can't get arrested for a memory. Right. Exactly. Also, I was not. They will start charging like grown adult men with pedophilia for having a hand, like having sex at 14 with like with another 14. That'll happen soon.

It'll be a crime. Yeah, it'll be a 14 year old being like that 15 year old groomed me. So yeah, because we're already at the stage where like 35 year old women are being like I was groomed by him. Yeah. I have no autonomy. I'm a retarded bro. We were both 12 together and he yeah, it was a vicious a vicious long

con. I'm weirdly thinking though if I have a kid, I think it'd probably be good, with everything being so insane, Gracie, stop breakdancing. What are you doing? It's insane. She's like a jabberwocky. She's crazy.

I was thinking religion would probably be good for a kid now, I think. Like a mild go to church kind of touch and go, probably. You're turning into Red Scare now. You don't think so? You're going trad-c trad cath no i think like a little bit of like symbolism that like any because like look yeah but you'll be the guy who like is like i want him to have a little church you take him to and then he just gets raped by a priest it's a monkey's paw situation they're gonna get fucked up no matter what you do yeah i guess you're right it's just you got to choose how they're gonna get fucked up pick your poison yeah so how would i let my kid get fucked up do i just

make him a weird psychopathic like military kid i think you just relapse when he's eight and then you know that just let that carry the course right but it's a planned relapse you guys are like you guys are like at couples counseling so ben has a planned relapse when he's eight yeah and that's gonna make you're trying to make him an artist basically yeah yeah yeah good idea that's the thing you don't want to give someone too good of a childhood because then they won't because that's what the shining is right the shining is about a kid who got if a kid gets molested or experiences a high dose of uh trauma then they have to create a crazy creative mechanism in their head to

right to the survival mechanisms that you get through childhood make you interesting when you're an adult. And if you suffer something severely traumatic, that's what the shining is. He develops a thing right that makes him like brilliant. Yeah, I can do this podcast. I

can't confront somebody without crying. That's like the trade-off. But because of that, I can do this podcast. You can do a podcast called Lemon Party. Yeah, I can do a podcast called Lemon Party. If I'm trying to return something at a store, I might start crying. So that's the trade-off.

Anytime I'm having a serious conversation with my girlfriend, I start weeping openly and look embarrassing. But that's a trade-off. It's a great trade-off. So in The in the shining are you saying that it's supposed to be like the kid has those powers and he's a weirdo because his dad like sucks he would know that he was molested that's the undertone of the whole thing he was fucking really held down and fucked i never put that together i don't think so that's what the book's about no the book's not about that all of stephen king's books are about a kid getting fucked in its ass because he wants to fuck kids.

He's a freak. I love that you're explaining it to me like that. You're like, yeah, because he wants to fuck kids. I'm a big Stephen King fan. I've read three of his books. He's a sick fuck and should be in jail. For the amount of kid orgies and there's two bullies in a woods and they're 12 and they suck each other off. It is just about like a clown pedophile living in the sewers. He fucks kids.

There's literally like eight pages in It where there's two bullies in a woods. One of them's retarded and he starts sucking off the other boy. And they're both 13 years old. There's also a reference in that book where they start talking about a time they all took their clothes off and started touching each other and they're like 11 or 12. To beat the clown they had to have an orgy

in a sewer when they were like nine spoiler alert okay there's one girl in the group and they all run a train on her when they're nine and that somehow bonds them and jesus christ i had no idea about stephen king and all this shit oh he was like a huge he was just doing massive amounts of coke and like cough medicine and shit and just like cranking these books out. He's a sick fuck. Jesus. I thought it was about a kid getting fucked. I didn't know there was any molestation angle in the show. Well, I'll say this.

I've never gotten that kind of view. It's about abuse, but nobody's getting fucked. I think everything about kids getting fucked. You know me. The dad does not care about his family at all. Jack Nicholson hates his kid and his wife in that movie. I don't think he has any care to fuck him. That's why he's sitting at a typewriter all day.

Yeah. He's like, I'm writing my novel. Do you think that's what the no play means, is no fucking my kids? Yeah. Oh, probably. No play. Oh, it says. Your kid has been very bad, Mr. Torrance.

Okay. You need to fuck him. So The Shining is about about trauma specifically sexual abuse according to a taxi driver thank god on reddit on r slash changing my view okay well yeah so you checkmate devon you got us yeah ben went to google ben went to google and said am i right right and scrolled two pages you found the one guy that agrees with Yeah, that guy probably died in a shootout with the cops or something because he was fucking kids. Do you know why that?

Yeah, probably. Is the blood in the holes in The Shining like a metaphor for his wife's period? Probably, yeah. That it's like reeking. That it's that time of the month. It's that time of the month. You hate women so much,

you're reading of The Shining, it's like, women just suck. And they won't let you do your art. She's making him crazy. The Shining is really just a movie about your average American man. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. It's a movie about every dad when COVID hit.

Yeah. Like, two months in. Yeah. They're like, alright, I gotta get into QAnon or I'm gonna slaughter my family. I'm terrified about maybe one day having a family like who i already am i'm like what if i become the jack nicholson shining guy what if i have a fucking like mental break what if i can't handle it boys what if i can't handle it i go fucking i'll be fine your shitty dad did it and my did everybody's shitty dad did it they all did it you know how do you not how do you raise a kid though and not go completely insane?

I don't think you don't. You just do. You just go crazy? Yeah, you kind of become a retarded older version of yourself. And you wake up at 60 when your kid's gone. You go, I guess I'll golf until I'm dead. Well, that's probably the good thing about having a kid is then you can finally forgive your own father. You have a child and you go oh i get it

this makes you insane i've actually heard it's if you have a bad dad it's the opposite ah okay well you go i love this person so much how could i i would ever yeah i would never fuck it up right how could i how could i punch him yeah i don't think they go like well my dad was shitty i'll just be shitty too yeah if you're an evolved human being it was like you know yeah i do that i do meet some parents that they go no it's like everybody talks about how it's the hardest thing in the world and it's totally there's so many things that are so much harder and it's they go it's very rewarding and i love that i did it but people act like you know they're like you can never you can never go to like a bar again or you could never go out to get pizza with your friends

or you could never and then none of that's true none of that's true it's like a you know you just um i think for three years it's like that and then you can kind of leave them in a room if you give them a screen nowadays they kind of just sit in one place and then you back up yeah like when you tell a dog to sit right you back up out of the room and you see that it's gonna be fine you close the door they're like birds you just put a towel over them, let them go to sleep. Yeah, exactly. I don't know why people ever have birthdays for their one-year-old. Just fucking leave them. Who cares?

He doesn't even have any memory. I've been at a one-year-old's birthday party recently. I was like, this is fucking wasted. Yeah, it's a fucking waste. Like people that take their infant to Italy. You're a retard. Yeah. They're celebrating a one month

it's like the baby can't even eat yet. Yeah. What's the point? The same people that get their dogs cakes on their birthday. I will say this. I love my dogs. I'll be devastated when they pass. I've never once

remembered when Emma's birthday comes around. Not once. You shouldn't. You shouldn't. And you want to know something else? I always forget Gracie's birthday, too. And you know when her birthday is?

July 4th. And every year on July 5th, I go, oh, it was fucking Gracie's birthday yesterday. Wow, what a fun birthday for a dog. July 4th. She hates fireworks. Yeah, it's an apocalypse now. Every now every birthday yeah my birthday's on 9 11 2001 every year dude we're pretty sure she was born on july 4th like at night like as fireworks were exploding and she's she goes nuts the night of july 4th she climbs she's on the ceiling like the thing in uh fucking hereditary yeah hereditary yeah

she turns into an ari aster like a fucking shadow demon yeah hell yeah yeah speaking of hereditary i saw a death that really made me laugh recently online a death a death love love the death scene but there's literally it's this it's this 37-year-old Russian model with huge tits. She's in the Dominican Republic, right? And it's raining and the guy driving is filming her in the passenger seat and she's got her top off. Great

rack. And she's sticking her head out the window, doing this sultry dance and just putting her head in the sky and the rain is falling and then she hits a light pole and she was killed instantly is it real it's real it's a real video like rip her hat off what do i type in hereditary level i don't know if we want to watch it's really not that funny but i don't want to be the second people ever taken off patreon

but i just thought it was interesting like you know the the spectrum of life like the retard and hereditary and this hot bitch. And that's the funny thing. It's like, you know the guy's like, he stops. He's like, well, her tits are right there. Her tits didn't get chopped off. No, exactly. It is always weird when attractive women die.

I know. You're like, oh, so sad. It just doesn't make sense to me. You're like, what? It's like when Kobe died. You're like, you were bulletproof. It just doesn't make sense. Yeah. You just think like, no It's like when Kobe died. You're like, you were bulletproof. It just doesn't make sense. Yeah, you just think like, no, no, no, no.

You have to die when you're like old and ugly. No woman that's attractive. You can't die. I still care about you. Yeah, you'd think God would be like, you're still fuckable. I won't kill you. Yeah, like her head pops off and God's like, oh, no, go back. Go back.

Go back. Put it back on. We'll do a Chris Rock thing down to earth. Yeah, I've been jacking it to her. She can't die. She's still getting fucked. Did she get beheaded, by the way? I don't know if she got beheaded, but her whole torso, you know, went sideways.

The car was going like 50 miles per hour. You really hate to hear it because it's a Russian with nice knockers on her. You hate to hear it. You know, part of more of Putin's regime. Yeah. You know? Yep. It could be like God's an incel.

Like, he's mad. He gets no pussy. It might have been that. So he just has to kill hot women. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.

I just thought it was a fascinating epic kill. Hell's janitor. Matt Kilimanjaro you know I saw that really quickly off Twitter Twitter's just like live like live leak now I just saw that on Twitter you told me that it's completely lawless

yeah I kind of like it a little bit I know the little suspense of it it's a little more like a slot machine I like what Elon's doing a lot I got a little angry when I saw there was a doge instead of a Twitter bird. That's annoying. That really

fucking pissed me off. He really thinks he's a little too funny. He's got to stop with that. He's just a little too retarded. It's annoying. I really hope he doesn't start doing stand-up and selling out arenas. Oh, he will. I bet he's on stage at the Mothership right now. Yeah.

I almost can guarantee. Right. He will go. And you know, given his Twitter presence, he would just be stealing full bits from comics. Yep. Oh, sure. He would go Michael Scott and just be doing

N-Words versus black people on stage. Smoking a cigarette like Chappelle, banging the mic on his knee. I really hope Joe doesn't convince him to start doing stand-up comedy. I really hope that doesn't happen I really hope Joe doesn't convince him to start doing stand-up comedy. That's Joe's mission in life is to ruin stand-up comedy with telling people to do it on his podcast. I love Joe, but he's great. But yeah, Joe will have Kofi and on on it.

You should try stand-up. Anybody. He really should be held in like a comedy Nuremberg trial for what he's done. And they're just, you know, Brendan Schaub. Right. He's like, what has ruined comedy more? It's like, well, there was the evening at the Improv in 1988 and then Joe Rogan's podcast. Yep.

We like Joe, but just. Love Joe Rogan, but just, you know, stop telling scientists to do stand up. Well, you know what, though? It kind of doesn't. It doesn't It kind of doesn't mean anything anymore. It's true. He's also Johnny Carson for people whose fans hate them eventually. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. He should start having all the Fighter and the Kid guys that cut documentaries about Brendan Chobb. They should start doing JRE, I think. I would love Porcelain to go on JRE. beige frequency yeah shout out to all those guys yeah some great work so you made the worm turns man that was your big break joe knows every single thing he knows about the worm turns jim norton documentary on youtube the The Burt Kreischer doc, man.

Try hard. He does try too hard, man. He tries way too hard, man. Oh, Devin, I think you might be only slightly out of the shot, I think. I can't really tell.

Devin, they can't see you. Yeah, now you're fine. They can't see you say return. They can't. God. Bring it back in. It's going to ruin everything. Anyway.

Yeah, imagine having to see video of this, like needing to see like just this. Yeah, imagine having to see video of this, like needing to see like just this. I think it's great. I think people should keep doing it. Yeah, I love it. Get our views in. If you're audio only,

we've added Family Guy clips, so more incentive to watch. I mean, I look so shitty like this. With your Shrek 2 shirt on? Yeah, and my corduroy pants. Shrek 2 was good, right? I think. Oh, is this Shrek 2?

Shrek 2 is great. Shrek 2 is great, right? Shrek 2's great. Now, Shrek 3, I'm Roger Ebert. Shrek 3 was pedantic. The third act just really dwindled. It was an exercise in itself. Yes. Puss in Boots,

on the other hand. Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Devin. I heard Puss in Boots was amazing, actually, or something. It taught me that it's okay to have panic attacks. Okay, nice. I think I brought that up. I saw somebody, some gay one on Twitter. Say that.

Just be like, Puss in Boots taught me it's okay to have panic attacks. It's like, okay, either stop taking Zoloft or take too much of it. Make a choice. Oh, this is the weird part of Family Guy where they go into the side room for one of the occasional times. That's a room they never go in in the Family Guy house. Oh, okay. Dude, I kind of want to start playing the whale right now behind me.

I kind of want to buy it for like five bucks and just let the whale play. Let it play? I don't know. I'm kind of, Ernest Goes to School is kind of really doing it for me right now. Yeah, dude. This is bringing me back. I look back every now and then I go, oh yeah, I remember that scene. Yeah, Ernest Goes to School is kind of really doing it for me right now. Yeah, dude, this is bringing me back. I look back every now and then and I go, oh, yeah, I remember that scene. Yeah, Ernest Goes to Columbine.

These were the movies we would watch on a little TV in our room as just our parents threw like a fucking, you know, bowling pin at each other. And we're just disassociating imagining Ernest as our dad. What do you think ever happened to that bowling pin we had?

Remember we had a bowling pin for some reason. Because I think Jace at some point was encouraged to be a bowler. I don't know why that was encouraged of you. I think it was literally because I was the oldest and they couldn't afford daycare. So they dropped me off at a bowling alley. Is that true? They would drop us off there? I think me.

No, but we both had bowling balls. And I remember I had a red one and you had a green one. Yours had the initials JWA and mine was BAA on it. I remember I was given bowling classes. I don't remember being interested in this and I think I was dropped off there every day. What was that?

I was dropped off there every day as like a safe environment for a kid and there's just old women chain smoking indoors and stuff. I remember this, yeah. Yeah. I was really into bowling. That is interesting. I think Jace was wearing bowling indoors and stuff i remember this yeah yeah i was really into bowling that is interesting i think jace was wearing bowling shirts and stuff and uh yeah we had our own

bowling balls in our bag we had bowling ball we were like the big lebowski when we were six it was really like our parents were trying to make sure we never got pussy and i think we got bored of that and then mom started putting us in art classes where we draw. I know. I drew a frog. I asked to go to art class because I was really interested in art at a young age. I was drawing a lot. Okay.

Yeah. And then we, after that, we got in golf just so we could spend time with our dad. Yeah. Which I didn't know at the time. Yeah. So really three things in a row of making sure we get no pussy. Right. Bowling, art, and then golf.

Oh, and then I was obsessed with fishing for maybe 10 years. And then I transferred that onto, I would fish on the golf course with my dad. So I'd go to my dad and just like fish. And I'd catch like a huge bass and just like run. I'd be like, just like run up the 18th fairway and then just show my dad a huge fish. And he'd turn around and he'd be like, that's nice, son. Throw it back in the lake. And then just like my dad a huge fish. And he'd turn around and he'd be like, that's nice, son. Throw it back in the lake. And then just like go over his butt.

I probably look like such a freak running around with just a huge fish. People probably thought I had Down syndrome. I'm running through a parking lot trying to show my dad a fish. I mean, you know. But I was like 12. I'm too old to be doing it.

No, when you're 12, you can't be running around with a fish. Oh, you can't do that? Then you're a freak. Right. Then it's like, look at that freak go. Right. I'm sure a bunch of people saw me and they go, I'm totally going to abduct that child.

I'm going to abduct that child given the right moment. Right. They probably thought you caught it with your hands. Probably. Some creek boy lives in the creek. I had that weird period where I would like i would be i would just fish for like seven hours while dad was playing golf and like i'd have to like move locations because geese would try to like fuck me up and kill me yeah i'm just running from giant birds i think they were giving

us stuff to do so they didn't have to hire a babysitter yeah i think that was like it was really like the equivalent of cousin eddie pouring out a box of snakes right telling the kids to round them up the bowling alley thing makes a lot of sense. Right. Telling the kids to round them up. The bowling alley thing makes a lot of sense. Yeah. It's just kind of like a daycare. Like, I don't know. The employees will make sure they're okay.

Go hang out with World War II vets who are dying. Go hang out with those kids in trench coats. You know what my favorite thing to do as a kid was? My favorite thing to do was in Big Spring, I would go out in the, because we lived by that state park, and I would just leave without telling anybody, and I would get lost in the woods for like three hours and try to find my way back and that was like a good time to me yeah yeah you were daring to get raped honestly yeah it was like a little baby like bear grills drinking your own piss yeah i was basically i was trying i think i was trying to get abducted now that i think about it. And I may have.

Who knows? It might have turned out better for you if you were. Who knows? You think so? Maybe that's my shining is just producing podcasts. You could have been like that kid that was abducted who he was abducted by that gay couple because they couldn't have a kid. This actually is a very famous case. It was like outside of Yosemite, this town outside of Yosemite.

And this kid was abducted by this gay couple that just couldn't have a kid and they took him and uh the kid intertwined pretty well with them and he was just like i don't know you guys are cool and just just hung out hung it like liked being raised by the gay couple then he came back into town he was found and it was like fine but he kind of was like indifferent he was like i don't know those they were cool right treated me right you mean like when wolves like a uh like raise a different baby that finds you yeah his parents are pissed because he's like into will and grace and like the opera now right like they made him too classy well what was crazy about this case is that it was super famous when he came back into town it was a national news story um they made a movie about it, or they made a miniseries about it on TV, and all these famous

actors were in it. Steve Zahn's in it, I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure. It was like the 80s or something. Oh, okay, okay. But he was very famous, and then the real life kid ended up, when he was like 24, dying in a motorcycle accident. Really?

I have heard of this. And then his, and then, flash forward about 15, 20 years, there's all these women that keep going missing in Yosemite. These women were slaughtered, killed, like four or five of them.

And the kid who was originally kidnapped who died on the motorcycle, his brother was working at the hotel in town as like a fucking janitor or whatever and it turned out to be him and he was the serial killer because he wanted to be famous because he was pissed off about his brother getting all the fame for getting

kidnapped because his brother became like a famous figure yep they made like a huge tv movie about him i think like jason bateman played him when he was like a teenager might have yeah something like that yeah you just like i just remembered this yeah yeah yeah and uh just imagine being that mom yeah they're like why couldn't you be more like your brother who got abducted by gays and then died in a motorcycle accident yeah he's the golden child well the funniest part is in the doc they cut to the the initial pictures of when the kid came back into town it was a huge news story and the brothers in the back like They cut to the initial pictures of when the kid came back into town. It was a huge news story. And the brother's in the back like, God damn it.

There's all these pictures of the brothers like. Like a cartoon case. Yeah, cartoon villain. He's like, in 20 years, I'll kill five women and get famed too. I really think you could be surprised with like what you can live with. As a person? Yeah, because I think sometimes like. Yeah, I mean mean go to a gas

station and look at people you know uh well i mean just kind of like uh like just doing some like incredibly evil shit and i think you can kind of just brush that off is what i mean like i think the human spirit endure endures the deepest and darkest uh phantoms yeah i mean i think you could kind of like do almost anything and then live with yourself. Get that bone out of her mouth. Give me the bone. She's being insane. I think you could like... Have you guys ever been driving along in a suburb and you go,

I'm probably going a little too fast. I've heard stories of a kid comes out of the driveway and the person runs in and they can't live with themselves and they run over this kid. I like to think I'm the kind of guy that like you know i'd i'd have to go to support groups that happened to me and this but like i wonder if like in a few years you'd kind of i had a i had a dog once no you didn't oh my god i told you all right calm down he's fucking gay about it that's so fuck i ran over a bunny once and i still feel bad about it yeah i mean i feel kind of, but I'm like over it.

What happened? You killed the dog? I fell legitimately bad. I mean, this dog exploded. Dude, I hit this dog. Oh, no. Dude, I was driving back from like Austin. I was driving back from Austin.

I think I was moving down there. I was like 24. And I was like, I think I'm driving the suburban back so I could drive my Toyota back to Austin because I was moving all my shit. And I was like backwards. I was going like fucking 85 and this dog, it's, it's like maybe midnight and this dog just like just ran just right. Nothing, nothing I could do. And it just like a pinata just unfolded.

Oh, no. Unfolded middle of nowhere. And I stopped and I looked back and I go, yeah. And I just kept trying. The dog was dead on impact and I'm like, I can't. I'm not going to get out and look at it. I don't mentally want to have that in the nightmares I'm going to have about this. Yeah, trying to like grab its head and reattach it. Jason's looking in the rear view.

He's like, pretty sure it was pregnant too. And now there's things like maggots all over the road jiggling. You saw puppies come out like candy out of a pinata. Was it like a mid-sized dog? It was a Labrador. Oh, man. Not Marshall Rogan. Yeah.

It was brutal i remember i legitimately i was driving and like 30 seconds later i want to be clear the dog was liquid there was no point in like going yeah yeah i had nightmares this is my fucking moment it comes back to bite me all right don't talk about that don't talk about that anymore sorry sorry i about that anymore. Sorry, sorry, I brought it up. Don't even know what you're talking about. Don't know what I'm talking about. You meant Bobby Kelly. Yeah, I meant Bobby Kelly. You power killed that dog.

Porcelain, put us in a documentary. Put us in a dog porcelain. Anyways, I was driving like 30 seconds later and i i felt so i started screaming while i was driving like literally like like end of breaking back like jesse driving away from the yeah well that's tense as fuck yeah it was horrible i still occasionally will have a dream about it it's pretty fucked up you know we know someone uh who we grew up with who uh ran over a kid on his bike and killed him. It was like his next door neighbor.

Jesus. He was like, this truck, you fucking killed him. It was John Gotti's kid. Yeah, he got whacked. You know how I know that? That's also driving those F950s where you can't see a kid for a thousand yards in front of you. Have you seen those videos on YouTube where they show you all the blind spots? Like you're driving a death machine.

You literally can't see a line of 45 kids in front of you. You're like, well, I gotta get back from my accounting job. All the trucks in Texas are named after featured items at fast food restaurants. It's always like a King Ranch F-350. It's the biggest thing.

It's like, oh yeah, I got a new 2023 Hunger Buster outside. Yeah, I got the 2019 uh southwest egg roll there's a soup there's a subaru baja which is like a truck car it looks really stupid oh okay nice i've ordered that before like a baja blast yep super is just kind of gay yeah they're kind of what lesbians it's a yeah lesbian car it's hikers you know they're supposed to be good vehicles though yeah they are they're really good they're just they're just something about them that's gay i don't know i get it you know what i mean yeah

yeah i don't make the rules man whatever what am i trying to go down the outback yeah what the fuck you know if we give subaru you know super the official car of like mountain climbers which I'll never get into I was hanging out with my girlfriend's family and her mom was like I bought a new car and I jokingly said oh how's the new Subaru and she was like how did you know I bought a Subaru and she's gay ah there you go got a whole big

laugh big pop from the family it's that type of lesbian where they wear beanies and shit you know you can't quite tell if they're a lesbian or a snowboarder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a 50-year-old lesbian or Sean White. I don't know. Yep. How you doing, Ben? You seem like you're

thinking about a lot right now. Yeah, I just remembered a lot of stuff Mom unloaded on me the last time I saw her. She told me, like, because I like the guy running over the kid. Like she just sometimes she's like, I have lunch with her because I just see her once a year. Because that's what you do with moms, you know. And she's just like, yeah. And then she's one thing after another.

And I was like, I had no idea any of this was going on when I was a child. Moms are famous for just bringing out note cards and being like, your science teacher's kid had cancer and died. The guy from church, he raped his family and killed himself. Just like flashing through all of it. Dude, it's like, sometimes it feels like a bad tarot card reading where she's just telling

me how I'm going to die and in what way and the date. Talking to a mom is like reading like usa today or something post headline yeah it's nancy grace uh but yeah i mean mom loves to sometimes she just brings up she goes yeah remember remember uh so and so and i'm like yes i do and you don't have to like if i say yes i do you don't have to elaborate but i say yes i do and she goes you know he's the guy remember he he he you know he had anger problems but you know also like he ran over a kid like when he i'm like yes mom i know like yes i do yes please move on she's like anyway he ran over another kid like it's always just one tragedy after after the next yeah well moms that, that's really all they have, you know?

They'll wake up, they like read the obituaries. Then they call you and tell you, do you know you could die from the water in town? His head exploded. It blew right off. Blew right off. Mom recently ruined something for me because I said, oh, you know who I really loved growing up

was my best friend. I loved his mom and this and that. And mom goes, well, you know, she was having an affair with the librarian. And then she told me all this stuff. I was like, oh, I had no idea any of this was going on. And it ruined all of my memories of these nice people that I would go over their homes. I didn't know they were trapped in a web of lies that was driving them to the brink of suicide suicide yeah but every time i hear that i'm like i get it i get it the wife was a bit much you know yeah yeah sometimes it does make sense i've i've been judging a guy that i knew you've

been guilting of guilting of judging a guy have you been judging people i dude i feel actually bad about this because i've been judging this guy who i was good friends with his son and like i knew him i'd go over you know he's like he's like one of my best friend's dads you know and i thought he was cool and shit come to find out he's like uh way after i graduate and i'm gone i hear you know through the grapevine that he's he cheated and broke up the whole family and this that and the other and i was like what the fuck like that this, that, and the other. And I was like, what the fuck? That's so fucked up and ruined everything. Now he's dating a younger lady and all this stuff.

Then come to find out another guy that knew him calls me up and tells me, he goes, yep, I heard from so-and-so that his wife hadn't put out in 15 years. And I was like, oh, well. I'm like, yeah. Now I'm like, because in my head I'm stewing. I'm like, fuck him. Why would he do that?

Why would he break up his family? Meanwhile, his wife wasn't, like, you don't know the fucking story. A bit of knowledge, yeah. You should cheat on your wife if she doesn't touch your penis anymore for like 15 years. You are allowed to fuck other people.

Case closed, I think. I agree. And I feel bad. Now I'm never going to judge people now for breaking up the family. You never know what's going on. Never know what's going on. You never know.

He might have had a really hot secretary. Yeah. The wife was still blowing him every night. He's like, but the secretary. He's like, no, no, I'm sufficiently sucked, but she's way hotter, my secretary. So, Ben, you don't know the full story. Huge tits on my secretary. Huge tits. So, what I had to do was tell my wife I was sick

So I couldn't get sucked off Three nights in a row So I could save up my cum and then go fuck my hot secretary You don't understand the whole story You can't judge a book by it's cover There's nuance to this She had a Brazilian butt lift I mean come on guys

They don't have those in Abilene I had to try it You know BBLs are outlawed in abilene texas dude you know it's so funny i felt i felt so bad about me fucking judging this guy for years now and like kind of being like man like that's so wrong i can't believe he did that and all this shit because she was so sweet yeah i loved her so much that i even like messaged i messaged him on instagram and i was like hey i hope like you're doing well and all this stuff. And I hope like things are good. And you know,

cause I haven't talked to him in like probably like 14 years or something. He's just sending you a video of him getting sucked off. Him just getting his shit domed off. I think he responded to me like, I'm good, man. Like he was just like, yeah, dude, I, you're my son's friend from 20 years ago. Please, why do we even follow each other?

You fucking freak. If somebody from 20 years ago messaged me, I would get a new phone. I'd break my phone like Breaking Bad and throw it in a river. Oh, God. Yeah. Well, he has a better life now i looked at his instagram he's getting fucking he's always like on a boat with her and stuff with his secretary and shit good for him he's getting fucking he's lost weight too good right which i think that happens when like you

go 15 years without getting sucked off and you start getting sucked off all the cum comes down you lose a bunch of weight yeah he's just fat from backed up cum yeah it's like bleeding an eye in a boxing match uh yeah fucking shout out to that guy for finally getting his nuts fucking sucked off because every man has to get sucked off and if your wife stops i mean if your wife stopped putting out for 10 years if your wife stopped putting out how long would you guys go before you cheat on her honestly maybe like a couple hours or something the next day yeah i think if my wife goes on a sex strike i don't know i

think i make it well that apparently happens when you have a kid is your wife can't like fuck for a year because her pussy gets all blown out and shit and then she also gets post-mortem depression so yeah doesn't want to have sex yep and then you're not even important to her anymore that's all about the kid you're not important and you're both also sleep deprived so even if you fuck it's going to be like you can't get hard you know you're blowing clear clear cum only pretty calm yeah it's a whole nut of pre-com yeah it's not even a good load yeah so you better prepare for that maybe ask that guy but woman he's with god damn it so really like it just ruins the it's like a snake shedding its skin you just you don't have the snake anymore you just have this exoskeleton you're walking

around i've heard a lot of couples like go through the like two three years of raising like getting their kids a little grown up and then have to like reignite their sex life yeah yeah they have to start doing anal yeah why can't the fucking baby come out of its mouth or something like that rip a woman's head in half yeah it would work why didn't god make it like smaller where you just like you're at dinner and you cough up the baby? We actually talked about this last week because of it. I'm so autistic. We were talking about babies should come out of eggs.

Yeah. Yeah. It's because we walk upright and our hip bones are too narrow. We got to evolve. Right. Kardashian hip bones. You can just, you know, shoot them out. Shoot them right out your cooter.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're're cutie you're cuter uh patreon is it the patreon probably probably yeah patreon.com slash lemon party to the patrons in case you don't know where you are in case this isn't the patreon yeah devon.com devon cost a hate watch pod yep uh we got to wake up early in the morning, boys, because we're going to shoot a sketch that hopefully is funny and good. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see. Thank you for everyone for supporting so we can make funny stuff. Yeah.

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Central time, do the math. Mountain time, do the math. You figure it out. You figure it out. Yeah, it's your fault for living in the middle of the country. Yeah, it's your fault. Choose a coast.

You don't exist unless you choose a coast. Exactly. Or unless you live in, unless you're opening a second comedy club in Austin. Yeah, the only place, you better be three hours ahead otherwise we don't give a shit about you. Austin. You better be three hours ahead, otherwise we don't give a shit

about you. You gotta be three hours ahead. Those places where it's an hour ahead, fuck off. Shut up. Are you an hour ahead? It should just skip where time doesn't even happen. You shouldn't even be allowed to have a watch. Mountain time?

Is that real? The mountains have a time? Fuck you. Do they? Suck my cock. Shut up. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Fuck you. All right, goodbye everyone. Bye. Bye.