lemonparty - 026: nuclear piany-man

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

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remember we've already got two in the can, so no pressure on this guy. Yeah, no presh. We've already got a perfect public and a perfect Patreon. Which we cannot publish. Which we cannot publish, or our careers will be taken away from us in a blink of an eye. Our ability to own money and banks and land. Our ability to have any freedom in our life whatsoever. The goal of this podcast was to one day be able to own a bank.

Yeah, that's probably the banking community will get so fucked up. We have like a lemon party national. Is it working? Yeah. I can hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Is the thing recording?

Yeah. Sounds good. There's an orange peel right by your feet. Oh, yeah. Man. I kind of live like a guy at the park because I'm home all recording? Yeah. Sounds good. There's an orange peel right by your feet. Oh, yeah. Man. I kind of live like a guy at the park because I'm home all day. Yeah. So I just like I watch birds and I just eat things and I just drop them.

You go and sleep in your bed, but you pull newspapers over you. You're a homeless guy with a roof. Yeah. I'm a homeless guy who's been domesticated. You're like, yeah, you're a pet husband, basically. Yeah. I go outside to shave. guy who's been domesticated yeah yeah you're like yeah you're a pet husband basically yeah i go outside to shave i have to be shaving in the sunlight katie wakes up your wife wakes up and she's like all right gotta let ben out so he can go shave and brush his teeth and shit

you know you're becoming the pigeon lady from home Alone. I did send you that GIF. It's funny you say this. I was watching Bo is Afraid. Sure. Oh, you saw that? Yeah, and as soon as I heard a bird calling it, I go, that's a California toey. I know the bird calls now.

I know the calls and the songs. And there's a line in the movie where she goes, you'll become so self-actualized, you will know all the things in nature and you will know all the birds and know them by their call. And I was like, and then Katie just started laughing her ass off because I can be sitting in the backyard and me and Katie are just like, you know, just trying to relax, enjoy the sunshine.

And I hear, and I go, it's a common red house finch. And I just turn back I've taken the wonder of nature away from you you know exactly what it is I can hear I hear like a little sound way off and I go Katie please and I took her and I stepped her to the side

and I go watch and I pointed at the hummingbird feeder without looking like when Kobe would shoot a three but like not even be looking at the hoop and I was like look and then a hummingbird came up around the house and flew and went right into the to your bird to the nectar and she goes how'd you know that i go i could hurt i could hear it calling warning the other birds because it's a very vicious bird it's called a rufus hummingbird it migrates up through here during the spring for like a month and a half and it tells all the birds to get away so i can hear it on the other side of the house coming from across the street

yeah i was like katie make a path for the rufus and then it just like whizzed right i was like your version your version of like like people who shoot a basket and go kobe your version is just going autism the powers of autism i'm unit unite i'm learning their diets i'm i'm knowing by name now when you learn their diet i'm naming them because i know uh i didn't realize i thought birds i thought it was like people uh at a restaurant where they just sort of come and go and it's just different people are in and out like the waves in the ocean like on a beach sure the birds live in your in your yard and in your trees and it's the you see this you don't know this you don't know this listener at home you see the same birds all the time they live i know the birds that live i know

how many stick around i got california toeies yeah i got spotted toeies i got uh i got the rufus hummingbird. I got red house finches. I know the number of them that I have. I know the dove. I have the morning dove. And I know when I have a new bird. They're unfortunately very smart.

The birds? Yeah, birds are very smart. And if you feed them, they'll stick around and they'll become almost domesticated to the point where you can't get them to leave. I saw a video of a guy. I realize they're like cats. He couldn't get a crow to get off his roof of his car. And he's like, get the fuck out of here.

He's like poking it. He then, it's going like, he grabs its beak and shuts it. He goes, shut the fuck up, mate. And it keeps going like, and then he like, and he's like being all mean to it but you could tell the only reason that bird is comfortable with him because he's been feeding it and it's like very okay but like yeah they're creepy you're gonna become like the bird man of alcatraz or something well i now i'm wondering instead of text i'm gonna have like a like a raven drop a note on my balcony or something they're gonna kill you all one day like in birds you think so like an alfred hitchcock movie oh yeah yeah they'll be holding

blm signs and shit just burn your house down a baby so this is interesting yesterday a baby hummingbird flew into my home how do you know a baby humber versus a humber they're all tiny because it's a male rufous hummingbird, which looks like a female, and when it's not mature, it has a little patch on its throat, but it doesn't fully have the perched throat. It's iridescent. It looks like a hologram.

It looks like a fucking Daft Punk helmet. You sound like a bird pedophile right now. The fact that you know baby birds, I'm like, what are you doing to these fucking birds dude no no this one was a baby yeah this i like them fresh when they're fresh out of the egg it was an it was an immature uh rufus hummingbird and um it flew into my home and it took me about 10 minutes to get it out and i finally put the hummingbird on a on a towel on my finger and i walked him out and i got to stare at it in the sun.

And I was, it was so beautiful, I almost like cried. I was holding it up like this and the sun was striking it and it was still too scared to leave. And it finally went off. And then Katie got a notification on Google Photos right after that happened. Two years previous, a baby bird flew into our home and was stuck inside our

house on april 22nd 2021 so i don't know what that you think it was the same baby bird no it was just a coincidence this house just has because the other one was in austin yeah two years ago oh okay got you oh like a facebook notification like two years ago today yeah she immediately got one that also a bird was it just make i don't know that is i don't know what that means i don't know i think it means you're about to get made and something terrible is going to happen to you yeah you're like chris maltisanti yeah yeah you saw a raven during a pivotal moment it's a really bad sign that means your uncle's gonna choke you to death one day oh shit it might be a really bad sign you don't want anything to do with birds ben They just are known for cursing people and everything. They're real sick freaks, birds.

Yeah, they're sick bastards, frankly. They're weird. They don't really matter, you know? We don't need them. They eat bugs. They say that about daddy long legs, too. And you ever see those cocksuckers doing anything? Very true.

One walked, while I was at my writing desk, one walked between my legs and then just went up the wall and i was like i was like am i supposed to nothing what am i supposed to do nothing's creepier than when a bird is okay with people like it's like not flying away when you're coming close to it you're like that yeah it's really uh it's an it's like the ghost of your granddaddy or something yeah like why is this bird so racist something something's weird is weird happening to me because uh i'm starting to get like an emotional attachment to the birds because i'm alone all day yeah and i put out the wrong food for the house finches and i was really sad

because they stopped coming around and i think i made the nectar like wrong or the nectar was too fermented so the hummingbird stopped coming around and they were also scared of the hummingbird and for a full day i did the hummingbird didn't come and the house finches were gone and i kept doing the calls on my phone to get them to come but they wouldn't turns out they like black oil sunflower seeds in their mix and their mix was too dirty so they stopped coming by and i was like profoundly depressed the whole day that they weren't coming by my window that is a sign really sad that's a sign you need to get out a lot more. Yeah, man. You're turning into Brooks from Shawshank.

You're the... I'm going to come over, you're going to be like, you have food for Jake? The crow in my pocket. I'm like, Ben, you live here. You have all the food. But to me, the birds, it contains the whole universe in that bird. In a bird? Not really.

The birds are being told by their parents, like, don't go close to strangers like Ben. Yeah, they're saying that. He's going to lure you. They're like, see that guy with sweets. They go, go eat the feed, but just be wary. Be wary. None of the sugar water.

He likes to lure them with that he's a freak yeah yeah you're dropping a little rohafnol pill in a hummingbird feeder yeah yeah you gotta watch for the young guys who walk like elderly people around their home be wary young one be wary they go that guy's bird feeder is full of full of spanish fly don't get close to him oh man but i mean when you if you guys get into i hope we're not don't worry it's gonna not getting into birds i'm busy master the last thing i think about to the day i die i don't care at all if i was on my deathbed i saw a bird i'd be like get the fuck out of here i'm dying they're just a sign of cursing yeah exactly like see but this is the thing you guys haven't you guys don't know the names you don't know the calls or the songs which I'm dying. They're just a sign of cursing. Yeah, exactly. But this is the thing.

You guys don't know the names. You don't know the calls or the songs, which is different. They have calls and songs. Sure. So my entire world was changed by this because now when I see a bird, I don't see bird. I see a spotted toey. I see a California toey. Right.

I see a red house finch. Right. I see a song sparrow. I see a rufous hummingbird. I see a red house finch. Right. I see a song sparrow. I see a rufous hummingbird. I see an anus hummingbird. You two. Yeah. You see birds.

Oh. You see shapes. At least you respect them by their individuality. I was going to say. Unlike humans. I don't know. It's a Peruvian.

Right, right. You know what's so funny? I have neighbors. I'm like, they could be Armenian, Persian, Jewish. I don't know. Right, right. You know what's so funny? I have neighbors. I'm like, they could be Armenian, Persian, Jewish. You go whatever, they're all the fucking same.

Anyway, that's a blue-blasted finch. That's really the last sign of a racist is caring more about birds and the fucking, you know, the patch on their neck.

Yeah, we're going to get you a bird book, but it's just minorities of America with identification calls so you can recognize them. When you hear a guy go, hey, yo, you're like, that's an African American.

Hey, yo. Hey, yo, Katie, that's an African. You have a bird feeder that you're just putting dice in. Dice and Newport cigarettes. Yeah. Oh, man. You got to have. This is a form of depression.

But it actually makes me really happy. Yeah. The fact that you think that means you're even more depressed. A lot of people that are depressed, they're like're like yeah like jacking off seven times a day and eating mcdonald's makes me yeah really depressed people like i'm getting into like claymation you know they like that type of thing right yeah yeah i kind of have to rube you're trying to rube goldberg happiness yeah yeah have you guys realized you have um really no uh sense of how you're doing no or like who or who you are really yes i realized really late after

the fact how badly i'm doing sometimes yeah yeah i i can convince myself in the worst situations in life that i'm this is the happiest i've ever been and then like later i was like why do i think like in that uh a prisoner of war camp that i was in when my plane went down and uh lay house yeah why did i think uh why was I convincing myself? But it's just to like survive, just keep going. So now I never know if I'm really happy at all. I figured that out during the- Because I can lie to myself.

Yeah, I figured that out when I'm doing like the deep clean of my apartment, you know, every once in a blue moon. When I'm carrying my ninth trash bag out to the dumpster and I'm like, God, I was not doing good. I did not realize that. Yeah, so because you can see see the rings in a tree. You can see your life from that week in your trash bag. Yeah, exactly.

It's like limestone. I'm going, okay, those chicken wing bones, those are from March. It really is. You're going through when you drive on a highway through a mountain and you're like, that's the shell that's from the peyote. You ever leave a pan in your in your sink and you come back to it three months later

and it's a science experiment and at that point you almost feel bad about washing it because a whole it's an organism now and you're like i'm killing a community this might be the cure for cancer for all i know it's like i've created penicillin in my sink. Yeah. You're like, why did an onion slice grow into my old coffee pot? I kept like a big bag of potatoes

that I forgot about for a while because I just thought it was cool. They were like blossoming and shit. And I was like, that's crazy.

It's life. I'm not going to throw that away. It's life. You find them and you're like, this bag of fetuses in the back of my cupboard. Who would have known?

I could have, by the way i could see you if podcasting didn't work out i could see you in your late mid to late 30s maybe early 40s becoming a guy who grows his own mushrooms not psilocybin mushrooms sure but mushrooms like in his garage hundred percent and you sell in the local grocery stores and you make like two grand a month hundred percent i become like an oyster mushroom salesman, those people. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I went one time a few years ago

when I was really depressed. I made Hollandaise sauce from scratch. I made like Eggs Benedict. It took me like four hours. I made like a perfect Eggs Benedict with like asparagus and the whole nine, and I made the Hollandaise sauce, and I was so proud of myself. I ate it, and then afterwards I realized, oh, I'm insanely depressed because I hollandaise sauce and I was so proud of myself. I ate it and then afterwards I realized, oh, I'm

insanely depressed because I made hollandaise sauce. You're not supposed to have the time to cook. I did that once in college in the middle of a brutal depression. One day out of nowhere, I was like, you know what? I'm making seafood gumbo. And I was three hours into making a roux

and I was like, God, I really want to end it all. God, I am not doing well. When you realize a roux takes two and a half hours to make. When you find yourself having the same night as a white housewife that's just listening to jazz music and she's drinking white wine. She's like, ooh. She's just walking around the kitchen. You're like, what am I doing?

I'm back. You're a housewife from the fifties. You're vacuuming and you have a martini and you're like, Ooh, look at me. My husband's not gay. My husband's landing on the moon. There's no pussy up there.

My husband's landing on the moon, which means he can't hit me for another four days. Cause he's in space, sweetheart. That's why everyone wanted to fuck astronauts and marry astronauts then. Yeah, they're like... They were the time off. Can you imagine a husband so far away

he can't violently abuse you at the drop of a hat? All the astronauts in the... Was it the 50s? Sure, 60s. Okay, 60s, whatever. Yeah. Jesus.

When they came back to Earth, they hopped out of the thing and they parachuted into their backyard through the window of their living room and fucking knocked the shit out of their wife. Yeah. Before they even touched the ground. Oh, yeah. You know Neil Armstrong right before that first step, he's like, I bet my wife's cooking

the shit out of some fucking burnt ass meatloaf right now. That stupid bitch. God damn it. He takes a moon rock back so he can hit his wife with it. Even if those guys, let's say those guys went to space, right? Sure. Which I think they did. I think they did too.

You never know. and then they had to take like their like their wives and their kids with them to space to space in zero gravity i think they'd still you know you're floating and you can't even like brush your teeth they'd still find a way to like get it suck a few blows in on their oh yeah they'd have to like call them they're like houston we have to know there's a lot of blood in the cockpit right now and it's floating around what's the best way to get rid of all and they then like you it's like apollo 13 like guys and cigarettes and black bow ties like all right we've got this equipment we've got to figure out how to hit his wife better in space we've got 45 minutes before these men go down we have

the best nazi scientists on this right now trying to figure this out in real time yeah houston can we get a warner von braun on here tell me how to beat my wife like she's in a fucking camp? I don't know. I really don't respect astronauts, to be honest with you guys. I think it's a waste of our money and I don't care. Whenever they get

really into it, it reminds me of a kid in a bathtub being like, you're really excited about playing like cowboys and Indians, and you want all of our taxpayer money to go to your little fucking fantasy where you fly into the sky. Yeah, you carry it from age six all the way. They keep doing it, and I'm like,

well, have you built a Chipotle yet on another planet, retard? Where's the fuck? I thought they always act like they're building a community for us. You know what they do? It's just for them. They bring back specimens from the moon. They bring back moon rocks and stuff, and we test it. Cool them they bring back like specimens from the moon they bring back

like moon rocks and stuff right like test it cool and they go turns out the moon is a part of the earth something hit the earth and a chunk of the moon came uh came off the earth it's like okay so we need to keep going back constantly so we're a planet that's a planet great work yeah we we we spent nine billion dollars to figure out the moon is gay. So you guys are welcome. I knew being an astronaut was gay when I finally watched that movie Armageddon. I was like, this is really gay. Yeah, yeah.

Because it's retarded. You can't land on a meteor. No. And that's what made me realize, oh, being an astronaut is so gay. Yeah. That they have to be like, no, actually, they land on comets. It's like, that's not possible. It's literally impossible.

Well, I mean, being an astronaut is literally like, all you do is sit in a thing. That's it. Yeah, yeah. It's like taking an Uber. It's like, he's a celebrity. It's like, oh, he sat in a dentist's office for three days. Who gives a shit? It's basically like, oh, you can shit yourself for a month on end.

Cool. The hardest part about being an astronaut is not jerking off for the three days to get to the moon. That's it. And they probably still do that. It's probably a great jack off. It's all in slow motion and shit. You can't really go that hard, but you're like, oh man, that was a great stroke. I guess

it's good if you're a dribbler, like if you don't shoot loads. What's nice about space is everybody's the same. It would be really cool to come in space. You get like a pocket pussy and just spin it and zero gravity and just slide your dick into it. Yeah, that's really satisfying sounding. You could probably fucking take

a little port, open it on the space capsule and just stick your dick out and the suction of space. Yes! Let space suck you up! Let space would be sucking you up. Like an infinite suck machine. It's like a Rube Goldberg machine for getting sucked off. Yeah, exactly.

I got blown by the universe. I knew a guy growing up who the way he masturbated was he had a vacuum. Oh, yeah. And he put the tube of the vacuum. Yeah, he stuck it up his ass and sucked the shit out of it. He put the tentacle part. I don't know how they work. Listen, I think everybody gets where you're going.

We've done it. He would put it on and then masturbate into the tube. I just tried it a couple times as a kid. I was like, well, that could be cool. That's how he came. When his mom left, he would go downstairs into the closet and get the vacuum and go upstairs like in his bed yeah yeah and like fuck it that's not that crazy my mom you know they would leave my parents would leave the house it looked like i was making a bomb i'd have like scissors like a glue gun

rubber bands plastic bags vaseline banana peel grapefruits. They thought you were Ted Kaczynski. Oh, yeah. I would fuck my couch all the time. My first love, my couch. Fuck the shit out of that thing. Because you would make the science pussy out of homemade. I'd make a fake pussy. You're like MacGyver.

Yep. I remember I'd be on the bus from school. I'd be looking up how to make a fake pussy. And then I'd get home and I'd time it because we already talked about this in the other episode, jacking off eating. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You jack off. I'd go to Wong's Walk. I'd buy like real shitty Chinese food. Love Wong's Walk. Great place. Great place. One of those places

where it's like, you know, you're just eating styrofoam but it's like fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. You would get the container and they'd go,

all right, have a good jack off, Mr. Costa. Oh, Mr. Costa, horny again. I'd set the plate of food, I'd set the styrofoam box of food aside, and then I'd make my jack-off machine. And I'd come, and then I'd walk out like I was a man,

and I'd eat my food. Yeah, you fucked your sex thing like a real like madman type guy. Yeah, I would like candles and shit. Right. I'd give it a ring. Right. You were just giving it like back shots like it's your wedding night.

You're spanking it and shit. You spit on it. And then smoke a cigarette as a little 12 year old. See, the vacuum thing's not that crazy. You could have. I like to imagine like if you didn't have a computer in your home, you would have learned how to build your own computer. Like that guy in like Michigan who like built a radio with like parts from his farm or whatever

in like 1932 or whatever. You'd be that guy, but you'd build a supercomputer in your basement to just watch like Asa Akira just jerk somebody off in the back of a taxi cab. I'd figure it out. But you'd still fail all your classes. People would try to talk to you and you'd be like, what?

You'd still be very dumb. He's like an idiot. He doesn't know how to do anything. Meanwhile, I've created a computer. You invented a new type of computer that didn't exist yet. You'd have the whole basement full an IBM like card computer that you have to slide shit in.

Yes. Just to get a print out of a vagina. No, Devin's like stolen ATM and he just is using the ATM like as a computer that he like doesn't even care about the money or anything. Yeah. He's hot wired an ATM to look at boobs. He's doing like one piece at a time that Johnny Cash song where he steals one piece of the Cadillac. He just does that with like

different... You should do a version of that song, One Piece at a Time, but he's working at a sex doll factory and he just steals one body part of the... Putting a body together? Yeah. One piece at a time working at the Japanese $9,000 sex robot factory.

One piece of damn. Didn't cost me a damn. Didn't cost me a damn. Then I got this weird Japanese octopus lady to fuck. I'm Johnny. Hello, I'm Johnny Cash. Hello. I'm Johnny Cash. I'm Johnny Cash and I'm addicted to robot pussy.

Who is he? Was he flipping off a black guy in that famous photo? I mean, that's what you've been telling yourself. I think that was like the system, you know? Yeah, yeah. He's flipping off the man, Johnny Cash. That's what they do say. Yeah, it's from his first American record,

the American recording. It says, Johnny Cash would like to thank the recording industry for its support of him over the years since him. But who knows? Maybe it's a Chinese guy he's thinking of. Oh, I'm saying, we don't know. Maybe he's flipping off like Sammy Davis Jr. in that photo.

It could be. He's flipping off Martin Luther King. That's the night he met Sidney Poitier. Yeah, that's on the cutting room floor of Walk the Line. Is him meaning Sidney Poitier played by Keegan-Michael Key? The man in black. He's actually just wearing a guy's skin.

Yeah, the original title he went for was The Man Who Hates Black. Yeah. He was so obsessed with prisons because he was trying to hunt them. He, uh... That was really bad. People always wonder why he did so many drugs. And, uh... I wasn't done. I don't know. You're just-hmm. And then... What?

I wasn't done. I don't know. You're just the pause. Funny pause. What? I'm trying to go slower. People say we go too fast. Oh, right.

Yeah. Sure, slow it down. I'm trying to be like the other podcasts. I get it. Make it worse. Go ahead. And would you guys stop laughing at funny things? Sorry.

My apologies. It's like cringe when you guys enjoy yourselves. You know how you guys have conversations that I can't have with anybody on earth? It's like cringe because I can't fathom doing that. I cannot fathom people laughing at what their friends say. No one's ever enjoyed anything I've said, so it's like when I see it happening to you, it's like cringe.

If you guys were funny, you would talk about Will Ferrell movie scenes. That's how me and my friends are funny. How come you guys don't sound like you're on Benzos for an hour? And then we all just like you because it's already an established thing. How come you guys are like... My favorite things are things that have already been established

and then the quality doesn't matter, but I'm still tricked. Devin, there has to be a wave of support behind the thing that I decide I like. Exactly. I don't know how to like things unless other people have already told me to like it. They're telling me. Yeah. It's like Nike or anything. Anyway, you're cringe.

You're cringe faggot. That voice. The useless guy. He's like didactic. It's literally a head popping out of a shirt like a turtle. He's like, you're a cringe faggot. Going back into his shirt.

Just a human YouTube comment. A guy that pops out of his shirt he lives in and then pecks at a button that says cringe on his computer. Yeah, cringe. Hits it like a chicken. Cringe. Yeah. I was going to say about Johnny Cash. People are like, why do you do so many drugs

it's like okay first of all he was a rock star that's why he did tons of drugs second off do you ever see any footage of him going back to seeing where he grew up yeah yeah yeah he has to take like a train

to like get to like he lived on a railroad track he has to pump himself there on a self drive of the train where you pump yourself on it. Yeah. There's no road. He's like singing like I am a man of constant sorrow. He grew up in like a shed and now you can only get to it by riding a basset hound there. That's the only. Now this place only exists if you got a bloodhound with you.

Using the ears like reins. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's yeah. it's like a it's yeah it's it's like the village in the in the mummy where it can only you can only see it at a certain time of day yeah yeah you have to hope a dog smells a prisoner where you used to live well we come to this old tree in the swamp swamp and we sing wade in the water and no city will come out of the swamp yeah he lived in like like there's like documentary footage of like johnny

cash like this is where i grew up and he's in a he's just in a field and he just points behind him and it's a it's a dirt field and there's just a toilet yeah yeah he's like i we yeah we uh we slept in the toilet right just in the middle of this yeah there's like a bird pecking he's walking around in like a black like studded suit he He's like, that's the, that chicken killed my brother when I was five. Yeah, it's pretty great. Yeah. Yeah, he, but like obviously as soon as, imagine a guy like that. Yeah, yeah.

Who was eating like, like a guy who'd be like, well, an onion grew today. So that's what I'm eating. Yeah. I'm eating a onion like you're so they rained so i i looked up and i got to drink water yeah yeah like if you give me vikadin yeah i'm gonna be like can i have more please yeah you grew up like so poor you had to eat soul food out of like necessity the type of people that were so poor that escaped slaves would show up and then they'd serve them dinner and the escaped slaves would be like,

the fuck is this shit? You guys eat pig nails? They're like, what the fuck is this, holes? You fed me a hole in the ground. Motherfucking peaches and onions and shit. White people ain't got no spice

they go back to prison but Johnny Cash regardless and no disrespect to the Cash family or the Carter family I love June Carter a little bit of

disrespect to June Carter Cash for no reason what did she do I don't know just fuck her she's a homewrecker. Yeah.

I'm still pissed about that. I'm still pissed, man. That was America's Couple. I don't even know who his first wife was, but they were America's Couple. It was Reese Witherspoon. No, it was another bitch in the other movie. Oh, another bitch? He had a first life.

Yeah. And then left when he got big. Oh. Was he fat? Those movies, they always have... Yeah, that was... That was the whole movie she was really supportive of. Yeah. left when he got big oh those movies fat those movies they always have yeah that was that was the whole movie she was really supportive yeah she gained like 35 pounds fucking bitch yeah

no those movies always have like i mean it's like fucking walk hard there's always like the wife who has 19 kids and she's like you gotta quit making millions of dollars doing country music yep yep he's like baby but it's my. They're always with an adjacent fat woman. They're always with a woman that looks like she's on the verge of being fat. She's not quite there, but you could tell one biscuit and it's all over. It's kind of like when you pour a bunch of water

in a cup and it's technically spilled over. It's like a bubble on top, but the dam hasn't burst. She's one Thanksgiving away. That's the only thing separating her yeah i think i guess back then you actually maybe had to hit women so they'd stop eating yeah you had to hit them so they'd throw up no you want their jaw to be sore so they stop eating oh i'm sorry i couldn't get that one out that's why they have mommy's little helper

they're like this will help you do the chores it's meth so you won't eat food anymore you won't eat and you'll just vacuum here's meth and cigarettes you stay 95 pounds until the day I kill you by the way shame on you if you're smoking that much all day the way those ladies did and got fat

you can't do that you're eating home cooked meals and you're smoking all day the way those ladies did and got fat. You can't do that. You're eating home-cooked meals and you're smoking all day. You should be skinny fat at the worst. Yes. At the very worst. There's really no excuse for fat women from the old days. No. The only thing you could eat is a marshmallow

and a turnip. That was it. It turns with dessert. There was Pop-Tarts and Doritos, Locos, Tacos, and shit right right no gmos that's all like natural fat no that's disgusting that's that good old-fashioned hard-working americana that that elbow grease fat the put your back into it yeah do you guys think if you lived in the 1950s you would be the guy that comes home and loosens your suit and tie

and demands that the vodka and ice be handed to you and you just ignore and sit down and read the paper? Or are you like the progressive guy in the 50s? Oh, no, no, no. That power would go to my head so quickly. I don't think I'd hit my wife that much

but I would a little bit. I think I'd be the guy who demands to get sucked off too many times. I wouldn't ever hit my wife, but I do a lot of shoves. Like a lot of like, you know like when people tell like a kid to get into a room,

like go, like that type of shit. I would just be like a lot of pushing. Like get in, go. I could see myself charging at my wife and maybe knocking her into the wall. Like, kind of having a running start and going, bam! Like that, you know?

I would do a lot of, like, punches where I don't hit them, but they think, and I'm like, and they're like, and then you flick their nose. And I flick them and I go, yeah, you think I'd ever do that, you dumb fuck?

Get back to cooking. Get back to cooking. Sugar tits. And then I'm and I go, yeah, you think I'd ever do that, you dumb fuck? I can get back to cooking. Get back to cooking. Sugar tits. And then I'm just killed by my son. Your son comes up behind you with a double barrel shotgun. My son just blows my head off with a shotgun. He runs off to go live with his teacher, who sees a lot of writing potential in him.

It's like Hawk Finn. You would be the guy. You'd be the 50s dad whose son kills him. I think I'd be the... A classic tale. Classic tales all the time. I think I'd be the drunk guy who constantly threatens to kill all the kids. I'm like, I'll fucking...

I'll kill every one of you. I'll kill the kids. I'll plan it on you. There were never any... You don't hear about old-timey shootings. Like the kids bring it. Like kids didn't want to kill each other in school. Yeah, back in the good old days.

Back in the good old days. Huh, I guess you're right. You ever think about that? Never heard of a school... They would do like truckings. They would just tie somebody behind a truck if they were gay and drag them for 50 miles. Yeah, exactly.

That was about it. Weren't school shooting... But couldn't you just like have a duel in the hallway? Couldn't you challenge the principal to a duel in 1920? Yeah. And you guys have to pace it off.

I think you had like a switchblade fight in the parking lot, like the sharks and the jets. Yeah. Yeah, that was about it. You just had to hope somebody recommended

going and getting like taffy and then everyone's like, all right, we'll go get taffy. We'll go get taffy. Well, I won't blow everyone's brains. I guess we won't kill everybody. Dude, I just fucking remembered. Dad was in one of the first school shootings ever in like 1963.

Our dad was in a school shooting. I've tried to look it up. There's no historical record of this besides. I know the guy is in a mental institution, but I can't find any story on it because they didn't have like a newspaper. Yeah. In the very, very tiny town they lived in. There's like six people in

his class and one of them was a school shooter how did it go like what happened i don't know but i want can that be like past it's my since dad was in the class with them can that be like passed down to like is that why i'm autistic is because your dad saw the school shooting because he was like the first it's like prometheus it's like the first school shooting and like it was it was like in the water something was in the water dad knew a guy so autistic back in the 50s that you now are autistic yourself. Yeah. What year was this?

It was 1967 or 8. Probably, no. It was probably like 1970 or something like that. Okay, interesting. The kid went into the school and the principal saw him. Stop me if I'm telling it wrong. The principal saw him and said why aren't you in class and he just reached up with the gun and just shot the principal right

through the heart and he was like dead immediately and then he went across the school to the little across the street to the soda fountain to the little like soda fountain gas like a gas station he plays got himself a float yeah literally got himself like a root beer. He got a big red. Yeah. Yeah, you got it. He got a big gulp. He went across the street to the soda fountain. He watched the Matrix. He went across the street and he set the gun on the

counter and said I just shot the principal. You need to call the police and then he sat down and he just waited. He just stared straight ahead before the cops came and got in the cops came and got him or the sheriff. And then he sat down and he just waited. He just stared straight ahead. Before the cops came and got him. And then the cops came and got him, or the sheriff or whatever. Well, that was a targeted attack. He just hated the principal.

He told the sheriff that he had voices in his head and the devil told him to do it. Hack. He was like, I guess, he's a son of Sam type guy. Yeah, sure. But he said the voices kept telling him to kill the principal and he finally did it.

And then he's been in a mental institution ever since. Weirdly ahead of his time though, for 1970, you know, truly. I like to think of it like a back to the future thing where he's like, that's a bit ahead of your time, but your kids are going to love that.

You know that new sound you're looking for? Yeah. It's your, it's your brother, Marvin Claybold. Yeah. You know, I found you're looking for? Yeah. It's your brother, Marvin Claybold. Yeah. Okay, I found this on the web. For your brother, Bob Van Quavo.

Check it out. Hey, shut up. Shut the fuck up, Siri. Dumb bitch. Dumb whore. Why does that go off randomly? I don't know. Fucking sicko.

Sick bastard. How dare you invade our fucking podcast where we talk about beating our 50s wives we'll kill you too Alexa anyway god I hate

I hate Siri Siri oh that was Siri that was fucking Siri Siri can you imagine being one of those idiots even a woman's voice

that's AI that's digital I still want to hit I want to hit a woman that's not even it just exists in a computer no even

when they give you directions it's wrong i know i just really i hate women i guess we should just say it where are we going with this yeah yeah oh that's the title of the episode oh yeah yeah i hate women oh i'm kidding i'm kidding i hate women in the 50s the uh were we talking about the guy who shot the principal the school shooter in the set your dad's school shooter yeah yeah and that's like a thing like there's something about your dad where you'll just hear a story like that when you're 25 like he'll never tell you that yeah he's like oh yeah i've shot and killed you my first wife you know just out of nowhere people that like yeah people that were born in like night like it was like normal

to like have killed a guy right like if you were from in the old west the old times yeah for sure even like born in like the 20s like my grandfather might have killed somebody who knows probably did probably did you know like you'd always hear stories like yeah yeah, like, you know, he saw his dad, like, you know, they got in a, he got in a fight with a guy

at a parking lot, like getting a Christmas tree in 1949 and he just beat the guy to death in front of the car. They drove home. And the cops showed up,

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It's simple. Deposit $200 and play with $300 instantly. Just use promo code LEMON to claim your bonus. We always used to pass. We were talking about this today. I sent you a picture. Yeah, I forgot about this. I found out on Interstate 20, I-20.

Abilene, Texas. In Texas, you call it I-20. And right there on the hill there, I think it's still there to this day because I pulled it up on Google Images. It's the silhouette of the cowboy kneeling at the cross with his hat off. Oh, yeah.

So it's a cross, it's a cowboy, and behind him is his trusty steed his horse and he's bowing before he's humbling himself even though he's just a weary cowboy of he's just a man of the plage and he's bound before the cross showing his his humble you know it's a big metal statue depicting a cowboy getting off his horse and like kneeling in front of a in front of a cross and then his horse is behind him it's the funniest thing I mean it's a terrible

piece of art it's the same it's like Texas' LACMA well I told you I texted you guys it's very funny to imagine oh yes the very Christian cowboy like a guy straight out of Blood Meridian he killed somebody because he shitted too loud on you next to camp.

And he's like, I'm a rune-tuned man of God. He just violated a prostitute with his boot. And now he's like praying in front of his brother's grave. Yeah, he kicked a horde of deaths because he couldn't get hard and embarrassed him. Just a guy who pointed like a Comanche baby off of a cliff into a ravine. Like a fucking football. A guy wearing an Indian's face like Hannibal Lecter.

And he's like, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Yeah, the very Christian religious cowboy. Yeah. They had they had

vests of scalps. They would scalp so many uh native americans well they started it well devin has a point you're the you're the ben shapiro of the old sass here's what people don't want to hear about the native americans i can lay it down for you real quick do it okay do it they it kind of had to be done and here's why it had to be done. Because America kicks ass. Because we were building a Starbucks and they had to go. That's why, yeah,

Custer went to Sitting Bull, he goes, one day this will all be Panera Breads. Sorry, Littlefoot. How else would I be guac mode verified by Chipotle if we didn't kill you? And by the way, what I'm about to tell you, you ain't going to learn this from Josh Gad.

You ain't going to learn this in any non-racist history book. Unverified user Josh Gad. You're not going to learn this from frozen co-star unverified Josh Gad. A man who looks like a 7-Eleven hot dog calling people Nazis on Twitter all day. A man who looks like a Jewish fetus. Josh Gad. Here's the thing.

The Comanches were ruthless, amazing... Savages. But they were amazing at what they did. ruthless, amazing... Savages. But they were amazing at what they did. And they knew the land better than white people did. They knew every plant, every animal. I know. They respected the land in a way that they wanted to deplete their resources.

Yeah. You know, people... White people come in, they shit in the rivers, and they give each other sepsis, and all these. They don't know how to respect the land. They don't know how to take care of it.

They don't know how to survive the way the Comanches did, but the Comanches were just outnumbered. The Comanches also killed a bunch of different tribes, and they were ruthless. They were killing tons of Native Americans. Right, right. So Comancheria, which existed in Texas, which was this big strip, we finally took it over.

It took a long time. And by the way, I want to say this too. Native Americans fought in the Civil War for the South. So when everybody talks about how woke Native Americans are... Why did they do that? Because they thought then they could get land and all the bullshit.

They just thought it would be really cool to own black people. They were like, well, we don't like the white man's way, but this slavery shit sounds pretty tight. Imagine not having to make your own teepee. We could grow corn for days. By the way, I want to say the Comanches, they raped women,

and they were great. Dude, they were amazing at torturing people. Do you know they torture people? Yeah, well, all the cartel shit was old Indian torture techniques. They tie you up, leave you in the desert. You get eaten alive by buzzards and shit. Dude, get this. This is worse than the Romans.

Comanche captures a nice white guy. They regarded Mexicans as bugs. They would just kill them. They regarded Mexicans as like bugs. They would just like kill them. They regarded like black people as like animals but if they got a white, they hated white people more than anything.

Right, right, right. And they would spread eagle over a fire with like small kindling underneath. Oh, and you just slowly burn. Worse. Oh, no. Worse.

They would make it hot enough that you're an excruciating amount of pain because you're being burned alive and once your screams stop that's when they know all the nerves have died so they add another stick and then they burn another leg and they keep going deeper and deeper and they keep doing that they eventually they're they've cut your hands off they've cut your feet off they They've put flame to them to, Jesus. To like,

I guess, what is it? Sod them off? Like basically, Cauterize. Cauterize them off. Yeah. And they just,

they keep, they can keep you alive for days and days and days. Fuck. Just with like a flame going, just you're burning. It's the worst. I can't imagine something worse than that. I mean,

I hope we got payback for this. Did we punish them? Did anything happen to them? I haven't heard about this. That's crazy. Yeah, they would do... That's what I'm saying. Is there a...

That person, you could never... I think they captured a lot of Native Americans and they tried to train them back into re-education camps. It just didn't work. And so they just had to go yeah because they didn't know how to not live without killing us but we're being bad too like i'm not saying like we're good but like they didn't they didn't know how to live in a world where you're not you don't murder people if you want their stuff or you want their land or their territory i think they were just so initially you know consumed by like

fuck these people trying to take everything from us that that was their main goal and they got consumed with that and forgot about the big picture which is like hey there's enough golden corrals for all of us but instead we had we had to wipe them out and now we're the only ones that golden grow i think they they really looked at the land as like there's a quote from The Sun where it's like there's too many pigs for the teat. Too many pigs for the teat. They wanted to see land, and they didn't want to see anybody when they saw the land.

Yeah. Because if they saw too many people, they got worried. They go, there's not enough resources here. There's not enough water. There's not enough animals. You're going to kill off everything. There's simply too much respect for Earth. And they didn't have respect for people.

It's like people that supposedly really love dogs or psychopaths because then they don't have empathy for humans. Yeah. Probably a similar thing. Yeah. It's like showing Indian a five lane highway. Let him complain. You know?

You see what we're doing now? Fucking five lanes, asshole. See that, scumbag? Huh? I'm going 85 in the valley right now asshole you paid four bucks a month you can do a fast track to lax retard they would have given us command charia if we could time travel with them and just show them a day of embusters they'd be like no i i get it this is a better way of living yeah just give them a youtube account. Let them go crazy. Let them go live. Let them start watching Will and Don videos.

Well, it really... I'd let them kill Will and Don. Yeah, of course. It's really a lesson in you need to let things go. Devin actually has a really good... They kind of just brought it all back together. They just kind of kept... You get a grudge. I get it. We all have grudges.

You gotta let it go or else everybody dies. You gotta go to the gym. You got to let it go or else everybody dies. You got to go to the gym. You got to get into watching birds. I thought they had saunas. Sweat it out, chief. We had to give you smallpox because you were being really lame about it. Sorry. We gave you the syphilitic blankets.

My apologies. There were smallpox all over the shoes we gave you. My apologies. But we wanted Boston. You wouldn't give it to us. Not my fault. Listen, honestly, the turkey you brought us on Thanksgiving sucked. We're pretty sure it was like a kid that you killed.

So, you know. I'm kidding. They're great people. I never see them. I don't know where they are. That whole period of... That whole period of time in space was really like sociopath like disneyland like that was just a free-for-all for you know megalomaniacs and you know killers basically oh yeah that was their like i was i was reading about the area of like that is america i was reading up on like the history of behind a blood meridian and they talk about the time that the book takes place like texas is unsettled and basically the indians are going to war with the whites who are going to war with the mexicans who are going to war with the indians we also have the

army rangers it's it's strange but it was it was it was indians versus whites versus mexicans and they're all three of them are fighting each other and And the Mexicans hated Indians so much that they started paying white man, Indian or Mexican, $100 a scalp for Indian scalps. And then so there was like a lot of, and that's the Blood Meridian book. Yeah. There's a lot of people.

I just read a great book called The Sun by Philip Meyer, which is also about this too. About like, they're basically, they're like, hey, you can have as much land as you want

west of like the Colorado River or whatever in Comancheria. You can take as much, like please want west of like the colorado river or whatever in command charia you can take as much like please take the land please go settle there but your family's probably going to get like disemboweled and raped your wife is going to get raped in front of you and like killed their eyes are going to get gouged out yeah because people are going to show up in the middle of the night and uh torture you and your children in ways that you you you haven't even seen in nightmares. Because they're vicious. There's like a bunch of Jocko liquid death guys

in the old timey days who were like, fuck yeah, dude, I'll go fucking Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ex-criminals, guys that didn't give a shit, people that liked the old ways of life in the old west that wanted to. General Custer was like the first Chris Kyle. That's right. Sitting Bull was amazing. I went Kyle. That's right, yeah.

Sitting Bull was amazing. I went to the battle of whatever the fuck. The Bulls. Little Bighorn or whatever. A little Bighorn, yes. In Montana.

It's fucking crazy. I don't know anything about it. Don't know the specifics. I bet we won. I'm pretty sure we did. Hell yeah, brother. Wish I could have been there. Hell yeah, brother.

AMC Movie Pass. Only 14 bucks a month. You get to see six movies. They don't have that. Hey, Native Americans, do you have the Super Mario Brothers movie? What do you know about the 2468 deal at Denny's, retard? That's why you're out of here.

Beat it! Yeah, you know on your birthday you get free breakfast at Denny's? Yeah, I thought not. You don't even have a birth certificate. We don't even know what their fucking food is. What is it?

Corn? Corn? A tortilla? Masa? What even is a Native American meal? Is there any Native American restaurants?

I've traveled through this country. I go through Native American places and they go, oh, there's a reservation. What is the food? I do know they love- Wendy's? No, no, I think it was

just Wild Game. It's just, yeah. They just was just wild game. Yeah, they just cook a pheasant and then they all smoke dope. They also lost because they're all high. How about that? Fucking hippies. You know what they loved trading for? Coffee. They loved coffee. Yeah, because it gave them

the energy to kill white people. They just circle wagons. All we were trying to do was just do a wagon. We were just having a nice wagon time and they circle us and then John Wayne and Glenn Campbell had to kill him.

And I'm sorry. I watched the movies and I think John Ford's right. I know exactly what happened. They stole Natalie Wood and they must pay for that. They kidnapped sweet Italian princess

Natalie Wood. And they made her into a damn redneck. I guess this is also the thing that America always does, where we go, well, you know we had to drop the bomb during World War II. But I think we actually had to kill the Comanches. They wouldn't stop.

Even when there were 12 of them left, they were like, we're going to kill everyone. We're going to kill as many people as we can before extinct. Whenever your enemy has a... They weren't religious, but they were very spiritual, and they always felt like this is just one of, I don't know, one of many lives that they're living, I imagine.

They had a real connection to whatever the afterlife is to them and all that. That's an unbeatable force. So the only thing you can do is genocide. Right. Devin has a good point. Islam, I mean, mean like radical extremist uh you know muslims they'll never stop because they think that when they die and you know that they'll be fine we are afraid of death we're very aware of like they how how you know impermanent

they really did not fear death at all when i when i read these books they didn't they would just like gladly go die for their tribe and fight for their people. I know. Preserve them. How do you handle a problem like that? We need Ross. We need Marshalls. But I think they would have wanted to live

if they didn't have anything to live for, Devin, damn it. Thank you. Damn it, they didn't have anything to live for. They didn't have a Starbucks. They didn't have it. They didn't have Frappuccinos. They didn't know the visions we had. They didn't have a Starbucks. They didn't have it. They didn't have Frappuccinos. They didn't know the visions we had.

Cake pops. Little teasers. Thank you. Roller coasters. For the love of God. Disneyland. Liquor stores. For what then?

I'd love to take the last remaining Native Americans to a Dippin' Dots and just be like, you see this? Imagine. It was worth it. Yeah, show them a head shop. Show them vapes. We'll take the chief to Cold Stone and they'll sing him happy birthday while they roll some bullshit up in his horseshit.

Yes. If you love Native Americans so much, go to Santa Fe. Watch all the white women pretending to be Native Americans. You know, go hang out with Bill Walton. He's the only Native American left. He's not even Native American. He just has that goofy Arizona tattoo, his Luke. Go hang out with Bill Walton. He's the only Native American left. He's not even Native American.

He just has that goofy Arizona tattoo. His Luke. Go hang out with white guys that think they're Native American. It was also funny. We knew Native Americans. We went to our high school, and it was just a guy who drank Code Red, Mountain Dew. Yeah. And wore DC shoes and shit.

Yeah, and he had colored contacts. Yeah. You have snake eye contacts. Yeah. They're just kind of like fucking like like you know hardcore rock and roll fans they just all have the long hair and they're you know they're all sad about something kidding obviously uh it's really bad what we did very bad i can i can segue us out of this devon we had to do it i'm just saying we had to drop

the bomb we had to kill them they wouldn't stop saying. We had to drop the bomb. The Comanches were, they wouldn't stop. Right. And frankly, the Native Americans needed to be taken down a peg. So that's why we did this whole rant. They were cocky. There was a thing about, that went viral recently

because you know they're making the Oppenheimer movie. Yeah. And apparently there was a story where Oppenheimer like went after the bombs were dropped

and the war was over. He went to go meet Harry Truman in the White House. And Harry Truman's like, hey, great job. You really showed those Japanese what's what. And then Oppenheimer goes, I have blood on my hands. I'm a wretched soul and I'm cursed for all damnation.

And then when he left, apparently Oppenheimer turned his head. He goes, get that fucking nerd out of here. He goes, I never want to hear. I think the quote is literally, he goes, he didn't drop the bomb. I did. I hate that self-pitying bullshit. Never invite that vermin back here. Holy shit.

Yeah. He just thought Oppenheimer was like this weird incel fucking loser. Yeah. Like, get him the hell out of here. He was. Yeah. I wish we could have. Dude, imagine this.

Albert Einstein lives in the 1800s.s sure and oppenheimer and all them the manhattan project takes place in like 1840 okay we drop bombs on all the native americans and blow them all away now that that is uh what is it called when like you know like a historical uh what is it called when like you know people write a book but jfk wasn't killed yeah like a man in the high castle type thing yeah it's historical what it's uh i got no fucking idea who cares but what is your point what's the point well yeah i someone needs to make that where we have that it needs to be where america has an atom bomb in like 1777 that's how we win the war with the Revolutionary War.

And we just keep going through history using it. Like no one has any idea what we have. They just think we're God. It's just a finger of God. And we go through, we kill all the Native Americans. We take over the whole world. I would love to see a cowboy with an H-bomb, honestly. Yeah, just like on the ramp, like with a horse with an atom bomb on the side.

He's riding the bomb like it's Dr. Strangelove and he's just got his cowboy hat. We're just dropping little boy. Yeah, yeah. And they go. Yeah. And they just watch an atom bomb just sail over just the most beautiful sunset you've ever seen.

And they start praying to it because they think it's like God. Yeah, they probably start doing it like a, Hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya. Right, they're doing it. They're going, hi-ya. And then you just see a wave that turns them into skeletons standing up.

Yeah, Quanah Parker just evapor evaporates immediately it would be even funnier if we didn't calculate the the level of destruction the bomb would would commit so we drop it we just we all die too well that's what i'm saying all right he throws it at a bomb like it's a grenade he's just like oh we won right everyone just died yeah yeah that's what i'm saying i would love a cowboy with a bomb like he's just at, oh, we won. And everyone just died. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. I would love a cowboy with a bomb. Like, he's just at a saloon and somebody bumps into him. He's like, I'll show you, mister. And then just...

The whole town is vapor. I'll show you, mister. I'll show you out in the street. And then just throws it down. Yeah. Dang, damn it. Dang, damn it. I'm going to turn 100 miles into glass.

I've been talking to this Jew called Einstein. Taught me a thing or two. You do? This old Jew fella invented lightning from the sky. In the tip of my hands, I'm like a guy. I'll destroy all life. I'm dead. Just nuking his wife.

I'm entropy, bitch. She's nagging. He just throws a diamond bomb into the next room. Yeah. Fucking panhandler looking for uranium in a stream. God damn it, there's unstable elements in them mountains. And only we can get to it, I tell you.

I tell you. I was thinking about this the other day. The guy at the peony, the like the... Yeah, the rolled up sleeves and everything. The little tiny bowler cap. How can you be like, you had to dress like Allen Iverson

if you played piano in the old west? You have the fucking arm sleeves. He had like armbands on and shit. He goes, I can't play piano unless I got my tiny little cigar at you on. That's not lit. Yeah. Hey, Bruce, play us a song that goes...

Okay, Bruce, can you play us the most annoying fucking song anyone's ever written? On that old piano there. I love how Bruce plays a song that sounds like a Rube Goldberg machine going off in Pee Wee's Playhouse. Yeah, I was just thinking the other day. I started thinking like literally yesterday. I started thinking about the peony guy in saloons and I started getting really pissed off.

And I was just like, I was walking around the house. I was like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. What the fuck is that bullshit? Yeah. Just a guy at a peony just going crazy for nine hours, just drunk out of his mind. He looks like a marionette doll in Team America.

And his job is anytime a fight starts, he just goes. Slowly turns. We hired you to, you're going to play piano, as we said, and then if someone picks a fight with someone at the bar, you stop playing for suspense and you turn around. And you just keep on going. You just keep on playing that stupid-ass piano. And, of course, there's a bunch of whores upstairs.

Once they're done flushing all the man juice out of their pussies for the night, we'll let you have a go at them. You can take the lube-up, cummed-up whores upstairs and fuck them to your heart's content. Once you pay that little piano. God, I'd rather fuck a horse than be a piano guy.

No, no, no. Then fuck one of those ladies. Oh, yeah. After like a Jesus. God, I had hiccups. That's the diner. Fuck. Because we went to Black Bear Diner. Black Bear Diner.

Which, by the way, that was like a really weird... That was like a figment of our imagination. Yeah, that was so weird. There was like nobody there. Nobody there. The waiter kept coming up. He was like, is this sesame seed bun okay? He literally showed you the bun.

He showed me the bun like it was an old bottle of wine. Right. And you're like, yeah, it's a hamburger. Just make it. I'll give you a metal rectangle to pay for it. Looks like bread. Bring it to me. Man, if I was a whore back in the old west, I'd kill myself.

Because they have to fuck guys with no legs and arms and stuff. Like guys that are just swaddled in old linens covered in blood and stuff. And they lay there like they look like a starfish in bed. Yeah. Just covered in soot. Just a guy wanting to finger like fist you with his nub. That was chopped off by sitting bull. Your pussy's so infected from the cowboys.

It's like can make bread. It's like a sourdough starter. It'd be safer to like fuck a beehive. Yeah. Your pussy looks like a lobster that's been on the shore for four days. Your pussy's brewing a pale ale.

You eat your pussy and get fucked up. Yeah, you pull a mushroom out of it and get fucking high. The Old West kicks ass though. Canonically, we love the Old and i and i do wish that like the natives america i i do wish we didn't i you know obviously i wish that that none of that happened but it would be cool if they were still

around like at the same level and like when we went on a road trip you'd have to like you're in the prius you'd be like there's this comanche territory like you have like it's a cartel yeah yeah you're dry you're doing like a cross-country trip in your prius you're to be like there's this Comanche territory like you have like a cartel yeah you're dry you're doing like a cross country trip in your Prius you're like alright honey get that hand cannon ready we're in Arizona your wife's just hanging out the window with an AR-15 yeah it's suddenly Mad Max

on a family road trip I mean when I was a kid my favorite shit was like wagon train gets fucked up and then like Indians circle it yeah and then the wagon train has to make a circle and then you're just in kind of a fort and it's just a big battle all day. It's great. It's a fun time. Yeah, whooping and

hollering, running around. Sounds like a gay old time. It was so cool. I mean, I used to want to be an Indian when I was a kid. Well, no, the Comanches are superior to the white man and they're incredibly badass the more you learn about them. They're insanely cool and way more intelligent and have respect for the universe and life.

And it was honestly a better way of living without all the raping and killing. I did figure out the barter system. You're never going to get rid of that. I'm like soda drunk. I start hiccuping like Dumbo. I start flying around the room. You were the drunk where you saw actual pink elephants walking around.

Like you get drunk like you're in the fucking Andy Griffith show. You're the guy who sleeps in the prison. Just nameless green bottles laying around me with like XXX on them. Yeah, you're drinking... And they're clinking together. You're drinking tinctures that you bought off a mule. You really are just, you're just a farm boy. You're the type of guy that puts like maple syrup on his steak.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you need the sugar. If I'm your son, you put hay down everywhere in the house because you're like, he's going to hit his head on something. You should be wearing a pork pie hat with the top just coming off of it. It's open, yeah. A big straw hat.

Yep. With an opening right above the head. Exactly. Because it blew off in an explosion that he was around. But he's so dumb, he never dies in the explosion somehow. You need a top hat with a bunch of dirt in it and a flower growing out of the top of the top hat. I'd be the town drunk that I just walk into the bar and i'm just i'm holding a match and i'm holding a stick of dynamite and i'm just looking at everybody just

with a shit-eating grin like all right ben now i see you had a lot of those uh zevias and vodkas tonight have you go on ahead and put that dynamite in the toilet and why don't you flush it? Go on over there. Take that dynamite. Put it over there. Yeah, you are robbing bars. So you're robbing saloons with TNT.

No, so I can get more beer. You're like the guy. So I can get more like free shots and stuff. Wasn't there a guy in LA who was robbing places with a grenade that he just walked

into places? That kicks ass. Yeah, yeah. So he pulled a pin on a grenade i think it was danny trejo danny trejo like went to prison because he's a criminal i think he used to rob places with a grenade oh my god like he walked in and he pulled a pin out and be like give me all the fucking lake give me like all the salt you have and then um he'd walk out and put the pen back in the grenade yeah and the korean owner would put on the hurt locker suit and be like pull it bitch ben walks in holding a stick of dynamite and like a couple of the customers are like just give him everything you got and the bartender's like he doesn't want your money he just wants to say it. You threaten the local bar every night. I'll blow it up if you don't let me scream it.

And they're like, Ben, it's goddamn 1842. Ben, we all say it. We've been saying it all night. Did you read the name of the bar before you walked in? It's on the damn set but you'd be you'd be the guy in the old west who's somehow working for like the chinese railroad company

but that's what i'm saying yeah you'd be like with the fucking guys with the box tails like building the railway yes keeling over yeah you'd be running it you know what's pissing pissing me off too about saloons when i think about them yeah why even have those doors it does nothing they're two little flaps yeah yeah just have it open it makes no it's like having one little string over your balls in your dick it's like

i can see totally what's going on it was it's keeping no one out what's it doing it was to have moments they were all fucking romantic retards back then they wanted to like walk in with their six-shooter and open it. I bet you there was a gay designer of saloons that was like, no, they really feel really cool if they open it like that. It had to be a

feeling thing. Yeah, probably. That's their version of going to any bar in East LA and there's just neon. There's a neon sign on the bar. Oh, sure yeah that says like mimosas or some bullshit like that no reason for it yeah yeah but i bet it did kick ass though oh man knowing you're about to die in a gunfight you challenged a guy with to just swing those doors oh god i love it i fucking love saloons right you go you fucking disrespected my horse

come out in the street and fucking kill me. Put a bullet in my head. I'm really bad at gunfighting. You guys were really ready to die then. They just put their drink back on the bar. They're like, well, I might go die right now. Don't know if I'm going to come back and finish the drink or not, but let's see if God shines upon me. They turn to their partner and go, now if I don't come back,

you make sure to beat my wife for me. I wonder if they even thought they died then. I don't know. Did they view life as a video game because they lived in Call of Duty, basically? Because everybody died constantly. The way Westerns depicted it, it literally seems as if they don't know

about the concept of death. They're too stupid. Because they're just shooting each other over anything all the time. And then everyone in the town is just like, oh, they just clean it up and keep moving on. Yeah, if you died, wouldn't a guy come out with a broom and just rush you away? Yeah, if you died in a gunfight, they'd be like,

save him, we can hang him for entertainment. They'd hang a dead body. For fun. And everyone in the town square is eating popcorn and taffy and shit. Yeah. Watching a dead man shit himself. I think they had like bears as entertainment then, by the way. Yeah, yeah.

Like dancing bears and shit. Yeah, I know they had pit bulls were like bred to attack bears on like ropes. That was like the movies back then. Oh, that was like you're going out. Your version of both is afraid is to watch a bear fight 15 pit bulls. Yeah. Hmm. The version of Beau is afraid is to watch a bear fight 15 pit bulls.

Yeah. Hmm. You'd be like, hot damn. I just saw carnage beyond my wildest imagination. I think I told you that the belt choke sex thing came from public hangings in the Old West because when people get hung, there's a nerve in your neck. It gives you an erection and you would come in your pants as you're just swinging in the air. So a lot of people watching a hanging would be like watching a guy like come

right while dying yeah with like a boner there's probably an old guy who went up he's like let me get my jar and you drop it collecting it he goes this is great for beach by the way you probably just killed somebody talking about that because i was gonna try that at home now hey if you die from the belt choke sex thing good for you you know yeah i mean you're an idiot yeah you're fucking idiot i guess it's not a big deal because whoever finds you like that is just gonna lie and tell everyone you killed yourself yeah and cover it up i always want parents always do right i always wanted to write a skit that's a guy's really sad and he hangs himself uh-huh and then it's like his ghost exits his body and before anybody finds him his pants down, so they think he's just a sick fucking bastard.

But they have no idea. He was just really sad. And the ghost is like panicking and freaking out. The ghost is like, no, I hated life. And they're like, oh, this sick fucking retard. Instead, they show up, they're like, he just really liked to cum. Liked it a little too much, I guess.

At his funeral, like, well, we all know Jace loved to cum, and he was a sick freak bastard god really has such a sick sense of humor he's like when you die they're gonna when they die they shit themselves and boners too and boners add boners to the boners and they come a little and they come a little bit i think you pee your pants too right yeah you piss oh yeah he yeah god made sure of it all yeah oh that is fine funny. Yeah, because you piss. So you shit yourself first. Yeah. Get an erection.

Then you cum. And then your piss shoots all the cum out. Yeah. To clean out the hole. You always have to piss after cumming. I always thought when you die, your balls should come out of your penis, by the way. That it gives up its fruit, basically, of your loins. It's like giving birth. It comes out of your loins. It's like giving birth.

It comes out of your piss hole. It slides out of your penis, and then it evaporates with all sparkly. It's kind of magical. I think when a woman dies, if she falls back and she dies, all of her eggs should shoot out of her pussy, too. Like caviar. Yeah, like sturgeon's eggs. Or like those little soft those little soft squishy things that

shoot out at like kids guns or whatever oh yeah yeah they should just shoot out like a bunch of boba yeah a base basically yeah and then someone could and then a chinese guy eats it a chinese guy scoops it up and puts it in a thing and then serves it to me is that a dim someplace yeah is it you want to be want matcha boba Yeah He puts it on that That metal thing With the scoops Yeah yeah

What are you talking about With a tan over it What are you talking about When you get dim sum Yeah And you get little tiny plates everywhere You never had dim sum before The hell are you talking about

What the hell man Devin's speaking Chinese over here Once again you know more about birds Than Asian people so You've never had Jace, you know dim sums. I know dim sums. Yeah, dumplings, pot stickers,

fortune cookies. Yeah, I've been outside, Devin. Fortune cookies. I don't know what the hell it is you speak of. Man. Devin thinks I don't know about boba and things like this. It's crazy. I know you know about boba. I literally have watched YouTube videos about how to create my own

tapioca starch eggs. Yeah. And step one, it's like, go buy a gun. Step two, buy bullets. Step three, make sure your family members won't be home for a long time. If you do type in how to make my own Boba at home, it should the suicide hotline number should just come up. Yeah.

That logic song should start playing. I don't want to be alive. If you look up how to make your own boba, Charizard should be sent to your home and kill you. You should be killed by Lilo and Stitch. I love Lilo and Stitch so much. I would be honored if they killed me. I've always wondered about your love of Lilo and Stitch.

I've never seen it. Is it really that good? It's the greatest Disney film. It's pretty good. it really that good? It's the greatest Disney film. It's pretty good. It's pretty good? It's the greatest one. They're making a live action remake. Did you know this?

I've heard they're making a remake. Did you hear about this, folks? I saw they whitewashed Lilo's older sister. How'd they whitewash her? Wait, wait. They're making them white? I thought it was already a diverse... Yeah, but they're casting...

It's like a white Hawaiian person. It's like Anya Taylor-Joy or whatever. Probably. Yeah, with just like a tan. Yeah. Yeah. It's probably just going to be like... What's that show called everybody liked about the white people in Hawaii?

White Lotus? Yeah, it's going to be that. It's probably just going to be that. It doesn't make any sense, though. You'd think they would want to... They already have a movie. They're basing a movie on it. It was a divert, like a Hawaiian animated.

Right, but they called The Rock, and they're like, well, he's busy, so I don't know. Get some TikTok people in there. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. I still think that they should make another. They've made like five Lilo and Stitches, but they should make Lilo and Stitch where Stitch, instead of landing in Hawaii, because his alien ship crash lands. crash land what is it i don't know what lilo stitch is i just it's like a hawaiian lady and a sometimes i forget who i'm talking to like a bunny so no sorry you don't know what

dim sum is i don't know what lilo and stitches ben's doing the thing where he rubs under his glasses and he goes so first off... No, but explain Lilo and Stitch. Explain Lilo and Stitch. An alien crash lands in Hawaii. And there's more backstory to that. It's an experiment that went fucked up on this planet by this guy named Jumba. And Stitch gets away.

And he's supposed to be this experiment that can, like, you know... It's like a super weapon thing. What is he? He's like a rabbit? No, he's like a... He's like a super weapon thing what is he he's like a rabbit or no he's like a little blue dog rabbit thing blue alien he's cute and he says like stuff like that it's awesome and he loves Elvis Presley

why because he learns from Lilo how to be a human he hates black people because he's a pedophile Stitch is just like, he did it so much better, even though they were covens. He brought soul to the music. It's just like every foreigner

loves Elvis, and I guess they racially decided that Stitch should love Elvis Presley. Sure, okay. That's a good idea. They tried to show him a Big Mama Thorin record, and he freaked out. So Stitch crash lands in hawaii and uh lilo is wanting to adopt a dog at an animal shelter with their older sister and their parents are dead so the older sister like every disney movie just loves dead parents it's every single fucking movie yeah but it's true yeah isn't that weird are they gonna start having them where like the parents have died in 9-11 and stuff i guess with loves dead parents. It's every single fucking movie. Yeah. That is true. Yeah. Isn't that weird?

Are they going to start having them where like the parents have died in 9-11 and stuff? I guess with the new Disney films. Oh, there's definitely. I think that's already happened. That should have happened by now. They ever give Pete Davidson a Pixar movie. That's coming. They're already making like casual movies about school shootings and shit. No.

Two friends that like, you know, they find love in the summer where they're off because there's everyone was killed at their school. so it's those like adult novel like that like the young adult novel shit yeah yeah yeah where it's like they got boyfriends dying of cancer and the it's which is like the fault beyond our stars in our stars but it's like a shooting and they're like we fell in worse they are i saw him from across the room while I was ducking. We locked eyes. Oh, God. Yeah.

I'd fucking, if I had to do school shooter drills all the time, I'd go under the desk and probably start jacking off. I, the school thing. Can I say, you just unlocked a memory for me. I remember it wasn't a school. We didn't have, like, Texas has tornadoes that hit the school. didn't have like texas it has tornadoes like that hit the school so that was like our version of shooting is god trying to kill us and there was like a big tornado like hit the school and fucked it up and we all had to like hide in a

classroom i remember there was like the two like south park kids like the two kids who like literally just talking like beavis and butthead guys the beavis and butthead type guys they're like let's go fucking brand ourselves an ag class. Guys that smell like shit because their water got turned off at their house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kids that just sit around all day riding the S. Right. Just doing the graffiti S.

Because they think it's a Nazi thing. Literally, we would go to ag shop and they would take a piece of wire hanger and they'd mold it into their initials and then heat it up in a flame torch and then just press it into their ass. And then you grow up and a flame torch and then just press it into their ass and then you grew up and you was like oh that person was that kid was being raped every single day i remember i remember those kids they made a pipe bomb in shop class and they blew it up yeah like and it was a really big explosion and it was on the news yeah we got on the news because a bunch of kids made a pipe bomb hell yeah yeah it was pretty cool anyway we're hiding in class and like

i i think it was like an eighth grader I was there with fucking Colt McCoy. He was in this story. Oh, okay. We went to high school with Colt McCoy. That's awesome. I've never heard this. We went to church with him. Yeah.

Yeah, nice. I go over to McCoy's house and play Spyro and Crash Bandicoot. Didn't help him with his throw, but I'm glad. You know. Yeah, we said, Colt, whatever happens, don't pretend to be hurt during the national championship game your stock might plummet um anyway but we were in the class and they were just trapped by a tornado and those kids like kept like being like do you check out the fucking chick over there fucking tits are so fucking huge dude and they were just like getting

horny at people and then colt stood up he's like hey knock it off and then they were like hey fuck you dude and then that was like the end to colt mccoy though that's so funny and knock it off knock it off those tits are mine i get to fuck everyone in this school and then be a bitch in the national football league for 12 years did he i he was he was National Football League for 12 years. He was in the league for 12 years? I thought he was one of those guys that just kind of faded real quick. No, he's still in the league. Oh, shit.

He's just the backup. He's been a backup for 12 years now or something. I finally found out what kind of Indian Jim Ned was because we went to Jim Ned High School. What type of Indian was he? A Delaware Indian. Delaware? Yeah, it's kind of gay, right? Jesus. I thought it was going to be something school. What type of Indian was he? A Delaware Indian. Delaware? Yeah. It's kind of gay, right?

Jesus. I thought it was going to be like something cool. What does that mean? I think the Delaware, look, I don't know anything about anything I've talked about about Indians so far. Like, I'm just kind of making it up as I go. Yeah, sure. But I'm pretty sure the Delaware Indians were just like, yeah, I'll be on the white guys

team. Right. They're like, I'll just. the white guy's team. Right. It just sounds like that. I think the Delaware guy, I'm pretty sure a lot of them sold out their tribe for coffee and tobacco and stuff. They were right over there. Yeah. They're over that hill.

They were like the Mussolini of the Indian-American War. They're just like, all right, scoreboard. We see who's winning this one. By the way, we don't have Comanche blood. We have Cherokee. And Cherokee are the from oklahoma and they're kind of gay and they were really into like arts and music and stuff like that and they weren't like good like i also don't believe we have indian blood because everybody says that well granddaddy was 1 8th which makes dad 1 16th which makes us 132nd yeah so we don't don't have it. Yeah, what does that even mean? What's the actual percentage? How does that work? That's like 3%.

I mean, I don't know. You're not Indian. Well, it's the gay kind anyway. It's the kind that like painted in caves. You shouldn't be able to look into your history. It should be not allowed. But if you're white, you should not be able to trace what happened.

It's bullshit. But what do you have besides your family name? That's the Scots-Irish in us, Devin. Where we go, what's it's bullshit but what do you have besides your family name that's the scots irish in us devon where we go what's the family name where are you from caring about people's ethnicity and like cultural pride is only it only exists for dipshits that have nothing going on so they need to attach something they had nothing to do with to their like pride that's why i say I'm anything on this show because I don't give a shit. I'd kill each and every member of any race that I was.

I don't care. It's meaningless. I had nothing to do with it. Two strangers fucked and I'm here and I'm serving a life sentence. Yeah, you're not gonna be like the Chicago, you're not gonna be like the Chicago Bulls but for Ireland.

Yeah, that only cultural pride only exists for complete losers that have nothing. So they have to like attach their meaning to something they have nothing to do with. I genuinely think if you constantly talk about your ethnicity for any sort of like comedic point or whatsoever, like you're kind of a huge loser. I think you're a massive idiot and I don't care at all. Yeah. Huge

idiot. If you open with what you are. Okay, how about you though? What do you have to say yeah yeah when people go like as a greek or yeah they're like i'm half greek i'm half italian it's like you eat at chipotle every day it's also people you're in america you're a number at chase bank you have a social security number that's also it's also under this guise of like hey guys i'm definitely not racist anyway let me tell you i'm half greek half italian just so you don't kill me like It's always like the

progressive people that always have to say what the fuck they are. That's weird. I didn't ask. Where they say there's no box and then here's the box. Here's now my box. There's no boxes. Everyone's equal, but I'm gonna lead with what I am. No one's anything, but here's what I am exactly. Yeah.

And you'll refer to me as such. Exactly. Yeah. And I don't believe in stereotypes, but my next seven jokes will be about stereotypes of what I am exactly. Yeah. And what you will, you will refer to me as such. Exactly. Yeah. And I don't believe in stereotypes, but my next seven jokes will be about stereotypes of what I just said. I am anyway. Die. Well, Hey, you won't be seeing any standup set soon from the Cherokee nation.

So. Very true. I don't know about that. There was a native American, like blue collar tour that I saw. No. Yeah. Yeah. It's like literally a guy walks out. He's like, Hey, my name's runs with feather, you tour that I saw. No. Yeah, yeah.

It's like literally a guy walks in. He's like, hey, my name runs with feather. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. I swear to God. Is there a trailer for this? Can we close the show? Yes, please.

I've never heard of this. It sounds amazing. Native American blue collar tour. They do stand up and then, yeah. Yeah. They just die of smallpox at the end. They're like, we kill ourselves. We gave ourselves disease.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck Indians. Do they have like a Larry the Cable Guy one? Yeah. What did I type in? Native American Comedy Tour. Something like that. I remember seeing this. Oh, yeah. Native American

Comedy Slam. There you go. Is there a trailer for this jd redwater vaughn eaglebear type in larry oma yeah type in native american comedy slam trailer see if that comes up oh no yeah comedy there's a larry the casino guy uh there's a reservation dogs uh trailer no that's a terrible show i like facts i like that guy in reservation dogs the native american actor he's really good but uh yeah i don't care at all about the show uh should i click on howie miller because he has a regular name it has a lot it has a lot of views he seems like he like he's like the bernie mack of the native american comedy

he's also very homophobic. He's like, my son's gay. I tied him over a fire and burned him layer by layer. Put on Von Eagle Bear. What a name. Okay, here we go. Von Eagle Bear.

Von Eagle Bear. You might know his work in the movie Smoke Signals. He wrote, composed a song, John Wayne's Teeth. It's a big favorite for us. Smoke Signals. really good movie. I haven't seen that one.

You haven't seen that? You didn't watch that in school? Writer, actor, and he... Dude, Native Americans really kick ass, man. ...on his dad's side, so let's welcome, please, Vaughn Eaglebear coming to the stage. My dad's a rosebud Sioux from South Dakota. He's like, my dad's a coyote.

He's getting heckled and he just cuts a woman's scalp off. He scalps a white woman in the crowd. For being like, you're not funny. And he just grabs her hair and cuts her whole head off. My mom's a Colville from Omak, Washington. I always got a kick out of my dad because my dad, he speaks the Lakota language, and he'd have them laughing in our language. And I always knew that laughter was really powerful to him and my relatives back there.

But I've been singing at Apollo's for years, and Sherman Alexie called me up, and he said, I need you to make a song. I'm making a movie, and I need you to make a song. It's called John Wayne's Teeth. And I thought he was pulling my leg and he goes, no, man, for real, I want this song.

Why is he dressed like Lloyd Christmas? This is so strange. I guess let's just get to his act because I don't even know what he's talking about. I don't want to listen to him. He's dressed like a rapper trying to make a good impression.

Like at his court date. Yeah, like at his court date. He's dressed like Tekashi69 in Trial. It really is just a SoundCloud rapper at a job interview. Yeah. Where he's just like, music's not going to work out for me. Here we go. Vaughn Eaglebear. Way-a-hey-a-hey-a Way-a-yo

Way-a-hey-a-hey-a Way-a-hey-a-yo Long black hair Greasy forehead too Skinny chicken legs But she knows how to make stew That's better than The Laugh Factory. I'm not kidding.

I was like, this is better than the comedy we are told is good. I mean, I'm confused, though. He's doing a Louis Armstrong. No, I know what he's doing. But that's the charm of it. Berry lips

Choked cherry eyes. Skinny flat butt. Fried bread thighs. All these people in the crowd are on missing flyers. They're missing 411 cases. I'm literally pretty sure we saw half those people on flyers at the Black Bear Diner. These people were all taken by cryptids

and then just dropped off here. He's like, you might know me. My dad was a skinwalker and my mother was a moccasin. All right. all right. All right, enough of this singing bullshit. Enough of your fucking jig. Get to the jokes.

Big, can you skip forward a minute or two and see if he stops this bullshit? Get to his opener. Wait, wait, hold on. I think he said something about hecklers. We had a really bad wildfire this past summer on the res, and it burned down like 20 houses and 250 broken down cars. All right.

Nice. There you go. But we managed to save all the beer coolers. Hell yeah. You guys are alcoholics. Three Indians got out of a bar sober we've completely ruined your lives sick but how do like how do we know this guy doesn't like like this guy doesn't work at like jolly b or something he could be filipino like how do we

know he's not filipino like how do we know he's not eating like spaghetti and syrup he does look like he likes ketchup yeah to be on the show they ask if you can talk to a tree real quick. Verify you're native. All you have to do is show up with a necklace with a tooth on it. Like a wolf teeth. You have to dress like an old-timey billabong store. When I watch stand-up now now i kind of just black out like it doesn't really exist like i just my vision my vision goes and my brain just goes fucking

stop recording don't record any of this yeah and i just i just sort of just stare into kind of an abyss of it's like just watching a car pass really quickly. But it's 20 minutes of my life. I think that was an orange car. It's like being underwater. You're like, I can do two minutes of this tops. And I gotta come up for air. It's kind of equivalent to on a road trip, putting your hand

out the window and you kind of soar with the air for a little bit. But it's like if you thought that was entertaining for like an hour. And you're just doing this. Yeah, that's watching stand-up. Yeah. Whatever. I'm happy they're having fun. We're ending the episode, but I hope we don't...

Sometimes you do this and then you hear about people where they make fun of Armenians and then they end up in an Armenian Facebook group and they get tons of death threats because they made jokes about since we said do we i guess i take back everything i said who even knows if we're gonna release this publicly yeah yeah like we don't release it at all it could eat no i mean it could be on patreon or whatever

oh yeah it could it could yeah but i would love to just we're getting they're like talking about us through smoke signals about how we need to be canceled. There's just big plumes everywhere. Yeah, we recorded three episodes tonight because the first two were both too racist. So we don't know what we can post. We don't really know what's going on.

They weren't even racist. They're just insane. The first one was insane. Devin was legendary. Very proud of Devin. He's like a dog when a dog does the right thing but is very violent. Yeah. He's like the dog

attacks someone who's being really weird that came up to you on a walk. Yeah, he's like a police dog. Where you've trained him and then he attacks you in a big suit and you're like, that was terrifying but great job. Great job. And then the second episode, I don't know. I don't even know what the second episode was. We did two hours.

And we thought it might be bad, so then we recorded it. We went in and recorded this one, too. We're also mentally ill. We'll listen to them soon. Not me. No. I got the birds. I got my books.

You're good. You're living a real weird Unabomber life with a home. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You're okay. It doesn't matter if we wind up on a fucking thing who cares i didn't mean it it doesn't matter i've already wound up on tons of

things have you i was gonna stand up i would wind up on like women in comedy things all the time this guy is he's horrible because i like yeah i don't even know i got a nine to a 9-11 first responders group mad at me once back when i did that i remember't even know i got a 9-9-11 first responders group mad at me once back when i did that i remember i did that show called aids 11 oh right right i did a show i called it aids 11 and then a first uh responders group found it and got really mad at us damn but i thought that was funny you'd think they'd have more to worry about yeah yeah john stewart was screaming at me john stewart's like let me put on my oldest dirtiest baseball cap to scream at jay savery right now remember when i stuck my way into that 9-11 first responders group on facebook

oh way back in the day that's when i was trying to find them a good memes yeah yeah i was trying to see what memes they had and just like i was gonna just try to talk to them about 9-11 yeah you were pretending you were in 9-11 you were such a good troll yeah um and uh i remember i found uh some memes they were sharing of like minions yeah being like i will never forget the and like it had their their ladder number on the little fire hat the minion had of like all the for their friends that died at 9-11 it's a very weird way to process like being a hero of 9-11 is seeing yourself as a little man it is it's a weird way to process a false flag event it's strange it's strange i couldn't imagine having a fake family member die in that no i mean either man what i'm saying is nobody died 9-11 that's what i believe no

no no that's how you just no one No, no, no. No one real died. Nope. You show me the parents. You show me the family members. You show me. You show me. I'm gonna be like the Alex Jones of 9-11. But way, way too late. But like Sandy Hook 9-11. I'm like, none of them even existed. The towers were never even there. Have you even been to New York City?

It's not real. You're the guy who says the buildings were holograms. The buildings were just... The buildings didn't even exist. Yeah, Devin says planes It's not real. You're the guy who says the buildings were holograms. The buildings were just... Like, the buildings didn't even exist. Yeah, Devin says, like, planes aren't even real. It's just like, no, dude, it's like a big LCD screen, and they just make you think stuff's flying. Yeah.

Devin's like, those are just birds, actually. I'm not kidding. You said this, like, a long time ago on the podcast. You go, I'm not even sure if I'm alive half the time. Oh, yeah. You're like, I'm not even sure if what is in half the time. I'm not even sure if what is in front of me is actually happening. I genuinely feel that way a lot.

I really don't know if anything's even... I've actually come to a conclusion about this. It's not. It feels like the Truman Show a lot. No, it's not even that. It's just like none of it. All this is fake. This was all made by the devil and we're stuck in a thing. We have like meditate and evolve out of it and become like

pure consciousness yeah like this is all like to get upset about anything is like you're a complete fool none of this it's all smoke none of it's real i really think i think when we dream we get closer to like what's really happening what's really like closer to the truth it's like going to bed that's why it's great to get eight or nine hours of sleep a night yeah it's a little too much to me i don't know i don't know you're kind of a lazy sleepy bozo i also hope that's not true because i only dream about fist fighting my dad so i hope that's not my real life and this is a dream yeah i've been having weird dreams lately too yeah i have dreams that are like out of a cartoon therapist like discussion it's like me fist fighting my dad or i'm trapped in like an old haunted house with all like

my childhood memories inside of it. Oh, man. Yeah. That's awful. I'm sorry. No, it's fine. I wake up screaming. It's okay.

I'll very randomly have like extremely strange dreams, but then I want to have one for fucking half a year. Like nothing. Are you taking magnesium? I take magnesium here and there, but I also nuke my brain with marijuana. Yeah. Anyway, we should probably,

we're on hour five of talking. I've been trying to end it. We're going back to the quality of the podcast we had to rerecord. No, people love this stuff because we sound like people at the bus stop who are slowly losing grasp with everything real in the world yeah

that's what people like yeah it's you're tired and you sound completely insane if you're forced to podcast for too long you stop like believing in reality yeah kind of breaks it's like advanced mathematics breaks your brain anyway in the show anyway follow me on twitter at Dylan Mulvaney. Follow Devin at Josh Gad. Follow Jace at fucking Stephen King. We're verified and we're boosted and we're here to kick ass. Oh, have you guys gotten your booster yet? We're here to kill the devil and go to heaven. What did you say? You guys got your booster, right?

Yeah, I just got number six. I haven't got my sixth one yet. Sixth? Yeah, I've got my seventh. I'm on my ninth. Oh, shit number six. I haven't got my sixth one yet, but I'm six. Yeah, I've got my seventh. I'm on my ninth. Oh, shit. It's a little weird.

Anyway, patreon.com slash lemon party live streams every Wednesday at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Go subscribe to the lemon party clips channel. Go to the live thing so you can find the live broadcast. We'll start putting those on Patreon, too, after we do them. All right. Peace. Thank you.