lemonparty - 028: to catch a predator

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh Are you guys ready? Yeah. Okay, I'm rolling. Everything's rolling. Hold up. I'm going to do a little bit of soy face, and then we're going to get right into the show. Do the soy.

All right. More Josh Gad pictures. I know. It's infuriating. He looks annoying in a different way every picture. Yeah. Yeah. Like this one he has enlarged.

This is like the fratty douchebag Josh Gad. Yeah. This is like the Duke football player Josh Gad. Yeah. Truly horrific. Gad. What are you going to do about him? yeah truly horrific gad what are you gonna do about him old gad you wonder why stuff like the Salem

witch trials happened where they killed a bunch of people that sucked ass in the town because by the way no one was got accused of being a witch if they were like a really cool guy who like always had beer in his fridge like those people never got they accused the shittiest women of being witches and they killed them if we if these guys lived back then they would have round up uh chuck wendig josh gad jeff teedrick stephen king they would have rounded up all of them and just burned them at the stake and the

you know right in the town square they would have have done those witch's tests where they're like, we're going to tie you up, dunk you in a lake. If you float, you're not gay. If you sink, you were gay. So we were right in doing this. A test you fail no matter what. Yeah. Josh Gett, I also feel like, would be the guy in fucking Salem who would go and try it and get his dick sucked. And then she'd be like, no, you're fucking gross.

And then she'd be like, well, that's a witch. We should kill her. That's a witch. He looks like he ate a witch. I really dislike Josh Gad. Was he in The Little Mermaid? I mean... Did he play The Sea?

Oh, no, no. Josh Gad defends The Little Mermaid and called those who criticized the film pathetic. Thank God. Thank God he did that. Yeah, because the Little Mermaid was black, remember? People got mad about that. He's a regular MLK.

Like the Writers Guild shit. He's MLK, but with a little I between the M and the L. Sorry, Devin, I think I got you slightly out of the shot. Let me go refocus. Or you can move. I'll just move. Whatever. Who cares? Fuck these people. They need to see shot. Let me go refocus. Or you can move. I'll just move. Whatever. Who cares?

Fuck these people. They need to see me. You'll never be able to jack off to me. I mean, look at this guy. I mean, is that a man's success? You don't like that guy wearing a Dick Tracy hat? Yeah. Look at his smile.

It looks like he's being poured out of that hat. He looks like he's investigating his own personality. He goes, case number one, why do i have no friends he hired himself to be a private eye to find his identity he's a he's a pi for just being a huge huge white loser oh you know he's one of those guys that keeps going down to the writer's strike and handing out pizzas and shit. All those retards. Yeah, they're booing him. They're hitting him with the signs. They're like, get out of here, Gad.

We want Jay Leno's burned face to bring us donuts. I'm so sick of having to fake give a shit about the writer's strike. I know. It's so annoying. I have to watch some writer for the show Velma act like they're Cesar Chavez. I know. These people shouldn't be allowed to eat food, let alone make money. Literally. There's like four shows

that anyone likes and they've already been written. So fuck you. You think we give a shit? There's some guy, it's like Rod Steiger. It's on the waterfront and he's like,

you're trying to, he's like, you're gonna, you know, we're not writing the third season of Abbott Elementary until you pay us a fair wage,

you fucking mutt. Right. We're not holding your mental taste and ability to appreciate good art hostage unless we make

300 grand this year. You think we're replaceable, huh? People that write the equivalent of popsicle stick jokes for ABC? Yeah.

You think I'm replaceable? You know how many people I fake me too to get this job, pal? You think you could do that? You know how many people I fake me to to get this job, pal? You think you could do that? Yeah, they're fucking dock workers on Long Island. Exactly. Enough.

Shut up. It'll be over soon. You'll all be back to living in your fucking snack rooms and Nespresso's and fucking all the goodies you want. Right. Going up to like the two black writers you hired and be like, hey, what's up, soul brothers? Right. Going up to the two black writers you hired and be like, hey, what's up, soul brothers? Just

because my dad is the president of Inventing TV doesn't mean I ain't down with the new brothers. So are they really not getting paid? All the things say, fuck you, pay it. Are they working for free? I don't know what it is. They do this every once in a while to feel like they're

working class people that don't get paid an obscene amount of money to do something that also no one ever knows whether even if it says written by that person you never know the creator who made it is always vetting everything and that that guy could have changed everything by the time it comes out so it's like you never know what they and also, the writer's strike is over. All they ever do is ruin our favorite shows. Two seasons in of every show, you're always, like, really into it.

And then they start hiring all the hip people that are on lists that, like, their agents are like, you know, this guy's got heat behind him. They hire all these hip people that have no fucking context for the show. They're not meant to really work on it. And they just start, like, deviating from what it means. And, Devin, you forgot you left out. The best shows are unscripted anyway.

Like, To Catch a Predator. Oh. Hell yeah. Oh, this seems like you had it queued up, Ben. I've been dying to show you guys this. Okay, what is this? This is another gem I forgot I had. This is you going up to the attic and dusting off

an old piece of retarded media yeah and by the way i am eating oranges like bernie mac and bad santa right now before you guys you're metamucil you got to take a shit yeah you're chewing them but you're letting them hang out of your mouth a little bit letting juices flow out. Fuck him in the ass. This is I think this is the only video of it that exists. But what's amazing about this episode of To Catch a Predator Chris Hansen said it was the guy was so

sad and pathetic he didn't want to air it. Out of respect for this pedophile. Not that the case was so gruesome. This guy was just such a big loser. Could you ever, do you think any of these guys, could you ever have gotten at it

to catch a predator if you were on it and you were like, no, I'm just, I knew this was the pedophile show. I wanted to meet you, dude. Dude, huge fan. Huge fan.

Dude, that was not my cockeyed center. That was Google Images, dude. Yeah, dude. He goes, I'm just playing the game. I knew you were baiting me. I remember when I was a kid, and I don't want to say when I was a kid. I was planning on how to get out of it.

That's a rough sentence to say. I remember when I was a kid, too. I would watch this show and I didn't understand what they actually were getting caught doing. So I was like, oh, man, that must suck for that guy. How would I get out of that? Yeah, I know. It's like you see a magician, you that guy like how would i get out of yeah yeah no it's like you see a magician you want to know how to do the trick you know yeah so my my plan was always and

i had this for years was i was like if you're ever on that show what you should do i don't want to say my plan that sounds too personal again i was like what some guys should do so here when i grow up right devin here's how i got out of that episode that would have ruined this podcast in my entire life and career um no i always was like what they should do is they should bring like if you're a pedophile and you're going over to like fuck a kid and you think it might be catch a predator you should have like a signed statement like saying i am actually doing this to teach the kid that it's dangerous to talk to strangers online and i have it signed by like a friend and that's like proof that i wasn't going over there to have sex with them right and for years i was like this is i'm

fucking foolproof yeah you want to videotape yeah where it's my name is walter hartwell white i do not want to fuck children. I want to teach them lessons. Over the years, Hank Schrader made me fuck kids. Him and his bitch wife made me fuck them with those rocks that they call minerals. No, I legitimately thought I was like Kaiser Sose. This is the perfect plan. And then I finally watched an episode where a guy did that

and Chris Hansen. Really? Yeah, a guy like Chris Hansen. And he goes, well, an episode where a guy did that. And Chris Hansen, like. Really? Yeah, a guy like Chris Hansen. He goes, well, I actually have a surprise for you, Mr. Hansen. And he, like, pulled the thing out. And he showed it to me. He goes, signed by my friend on this date. And Chris Hansen was like, okay, well, not only are you going to jail, now your friend

is also going to jail. As an accomplice? As an accomplice. And him and the friend got around. And I was like, guys. See, that's because he didn't pull out the whole, I'm just here for you, dude. I knew the cameras were coming out. You got to flatter him.

You got to flatter him. He's a huge ego. He's on Cameo now. He does $5 Cameos. Yeah. He did one for me for my birthday. Oh, that's nice. Somebody bought one for me.

He seems like a nice guy. He seems like a really good person. Yeah. Didn't he get me to'd off his pedophile show? Did he? Oh, really? For what? What was he doing?

I think he tried to fuck the model that they had at the house. He tried to fuck the woman that pretends to be the kid? Yeah. He went up to the girl, pretends to be the kid, and goes, why don't you have a seat on my lap, right here on my big fat cock? Who the fuck is that? What is Doc Holliday coming to fuck a kid? Why is that guy in a cowboy hat?

I never forgot his name because his name is Vincent Ambrosia. And I've never, I forget the names of my neighbors. But that's a great name. I don't know my dad's birthday. That's a great name. I know, which I think it's like October something, but who cares? Don't give him the exact date. And my mother's maiden name is.

But this guy's name is Vincent Ambrosia with A apostrophe Ambrosia. Yeah. And my mother's maiden name is. But this guy's name is Vincent Ambrosia with A apostrophe Ambrosia. Yeah. That guy didn't even want to be a pedophile. His name made him be one. This is amazing. Chris Hansen, because he has no, he clearly has no respect for pedophiles. This guy tucked in his heartstrings and he goes, we are not airing this. We have a moral obligation to

not embarrass this man in front of the United States of America. We have to. We can't let this air. How is it more embarrassing than being a pedophile? Dude, I'd rather get caught fucking... I don't even know. I'd get caught

with way worse stuff than be this guy it's embarrassing to not have the game to fuck a kid you know what i mean like this is probably and i haven't seen the video yet but this is probably like he's tried 85 times couldn't close the deal and then this just because it is a police sting operation they're like totally come over he's like finally vincent ambrosio will taste illegal child pussy. Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

Here's how it opens. The Undertaker's here. Yeah. You're Jenna? Yeah. You look different than the pictures. He goes, have you seen Bill Hicks? I don't want to say that.

I don't know why. He goes, you ever heard of Bill Hicks? Oh, shit. I forgot he hugs. You ever heard of Revelations? With Bill Hicks? You know, Bill Hicks, he comes to the door. He wasn't appreciated in America, but he was huge in England at the time.

So that special was filmed in an amphitheater in England, and that was his final testimony to his greatness. He shows his it's all a ride tattoo. Yeah. Much like age. It goes up and down and round and round. That's his idea on pedophilia. He goes, buy a ticket.

Ride the ride. It's all a ride. It goes in like Hicks thing. He goes, I mean, what is age? If you think about it, other than these monikers the government wants to place on you so they can tell you what to be, man. He's like, those guys are in pedophile heaven, man.

This guy, I feel so bad for a man and if I ever ran into him, I'd be like, hey man, look, I know who you are. Where would you run into him? At the gunfight at okay corral I go to tombstone he's just hanging out where'd you meet him sundown you know like they searched his google history after this and then they

like the last one they found was like best trench coat for fat guys fat kings.com yeah fat fat cowboys kings.com watch his hug do you want a cupcake i like your hat i'm sorry jesus christ i'm okay he's taking his jacket up he's really making the places his own Oh he's making himself at home He goes are these chairs steel reinforced I don't know Mom wants to go to the beach So you're not a Four Seasons person

Not really I want to do Tri-Alaska Me and my friend want to go to the beach. So you're not a Four Seasons person? Not really. No. I don't. I want to do try Alaska. Me and my friend want to go try a little up there. I heard it's beautiful up there. Yeah, he likes to... Yeah, what I love about Alaska, it's just so solitary. Yeah, solitary.

It's just, you know, you cannot see another human being for miles. They want to find me. It's by helicopter. It might take them a while. That's why I love Alaska. He's like, yeah, have you ever seen that Robin Williams Al Pacino movie? I just feel like, you know, you could do a lot of good in Alaska. I want to move to Alaska so I have more daylight to fuck kids in.

Anyway, so I made a turkey out of this hospital glove. Would you like it? Dude, it's crazy when he makes you cringe. I know. For being like, it's embarrassing. He's already a pedophile, and then you're judging him on top of that. It's more cringeworthy than being a pedophile.

Yes. No, it's like cringeworthy when you see a guy go to kiss a girl, and she does like that. Yeah. It's like that, but he's... It's so cringey, you forget he's a pedophile for a second. You keep just being like, he's just a loser. You go, oh, that guy's... It's so cringy, you forget he's a pedophile for a second.

You keep just being like, he's just a loser. You go, oh, that guy's not going to get any pussy. Man. You almost want to go to Chris and be like, come on, one time. You want to have a Hitch-style movie, that Will Smith, Kevin James movie. You want to do that with Vincent Ambrosio. Yeah, yeah. He's teaching him how to dance. Yeah. He's teaching him how to dance.

He's teaching him how to do the Wiggles dance to Fruit Salad. Instead of Lil Johnny's putting on the Wiggles. Yummy, yummy, Fruit Salad. He's like, come on, move your hips a little. He's like, well, I don't know. I'm too white to move those hips.

Oh, shit. Dude, he's He's like, well, I don't know. I'm too white to move those hips. Dude, he's also got like, he looks like, you know that episode of Spongebob where that guy with glasses tries to get, he looks like Bubble Bass from Spongebob.

I mean, look at this shit. That kind of build. Yeah, he does. Him going for the hug just one more time. Yeah.

I don't know why. Do you want a cupcake? I like your hat. I'm sorry. He's about to kill her. He puts his arm out like it's a claw. Like a zombie. He looks like Frankenstein.

He's a Frankenstein, but he's made out of other dead pedophiles. Yes. And then him getting on the school. It's so bad. The moment he takes the trench coat off, like the smell that must have entered that room. Dude, like he opens that trench.

He opens that trench coat and then it goes. He's never been. He is. That explains the cowboy hat Yeah I like the one Did he buy Jared's pants?

I don't know Mom wants to go to the beach So you're not a Four Seasons person? Not really No I don't I want to do Tri-Alaska Me and my friend want to go Tri-Ala up there

I heard it's beautiful up there Yeah he likes to Yeah we heard it's not a state I've heard of stuff We heard they're pretty lax with the laws up there we're just gonna go live in a school bus out there like that other guy it's

into the child there's still that Eddie Vedder song in the whole thing gonna rise up and get over my fears of pedoph. Gonna rise up and get over my fears of pedophilia. Gonna rise up and embrace social anxiety when I

fuck a kid. Good God, Vincent. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Jill, would you make these? I'm not that good. He's like, you know, religion's a lie, right? What, you believe in this

flying spaghetti monster he pulls out a cigarette she's like you can't smoke in here yeah he lights it backwards she's like I know you're a pedophile but it's illegally

it's a fire hazard yeah and he's such a loser he keeps lighting the cigarettes backwards like one after the other can't figure it out this is the...

He kind of looks like Chris Penn at the end of Reservoir Dogs when he comes in. First things fucking last. He looks like if Chris Penn ate Lawrence Tierney. That's what he looks like. Yeah, he goes, you're Mr. Pink, you're Mr. Blue, you're Mr. Gay. That's your name, Mr. Gay. He's like, well, I have to be Mr. Gay because you're a retarded pedophile.

Who thinks he's a cowboy. Who thinks he's a cowboy. That's what he says. Oh, shit. Yeah. You know if a cow saw him, they would just trample him to death out of instinct. Oh, yeah.

This is AI if you put John Wayne and Jared Fogle and it just blurs into Vincent Ambrosio. Yeah, yeah. That's all he is. Those two people exactly. Yeah, this would be the judge if Judd Apatow made Blood Meridian. Some people say he'll never fuck.

That's a joke for Aaron Gwinn only. There you go, Aaron. You got one. There you go, Aaron. I gave you a Blood Meridian joke. Look at that. Do you want a water or anything? Oh, some milk.

Well, also, I couldn't think of one because the judge literally fucks kids in Blood Meridian. He fucks little retarded kids. I know he's done this before, but he's the fudge. Yeah, there we go. I have a lot less fudge. He would be the judge, except he never gets to fuck that retarded boy. Even the little retarded boy eating his own shit? In the cage would be like, I mean, I, you know, I have a boyfriend.

I'm seeing somebody. Yeah, I'm getting molested by somebody else right now. He'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. I just you're really pretty. And I just, you know, I get nervous. Can I kiss you? He's that guy where he goes up to a kid and he goes, can I kiss you right now? The kid's like,

oh my god. Woo! Look at his big ass. Those giant pants. Oh, I think he said... Wait, wait, here. So what do you want to do? You want to just hang out here? Yeah, you got a TV?

You got a TV? You got a TV? Because you want to do? You want to just hang out here? Yeah, you got a TV? Mm-hmm. You got a TV? You guys got a TV? You guys want to watch my food review channel? Oh, God. Sure. He goes, this is delicious water. Do you want to, like, watch a movie or a TV? Yeah, movies.

Mm-hmm. What movies you got? I mean, we can just get something on that i'm i'm i'm kind of not kidding you can tell by how he's talking even if this was a real situation he wouldn't be able to close the deal he wouldn't close it like they would they would watch three movies and then he'd be too nervous to make a move and then go like all right well i'll see you dusting off his old his cowboy cap yeah yeah dusting it off. Gotta hit the old trail, huh?

Yeah, getting to the door, kind of staring at her for a second, like giving her a chance to make a move. Yeah. Because he's too much of a pussy to go for it. He's like, all right, well, I had a really good time tonight. I don't know if you,

I'll see you again. Texting her the second he's in his car. Oh, dude. He's just, he's the world shittiest he's a wee blow probably what's a wee blow a boy a boy scout that makes it to the end he's like an eagle scout oh yeah he never closes the deal yeah he's a boy scout that does it for tilba right uh this was these were all the guys that made it and there were boy scouts when they were still like 24 years old i'm not kidding i was i made it up to the Boy Scouts when they were still like 24 years old. I'm not kidding. I made it up to the Weeblow Scouts. Every Boy Scout I was with at that point looked like this.

I know. I remember. There was a guy who looked like this. And I remember we were on a camping trip. And his dad looked like just an older version of this. Just two fucking anvil-shaped people. Yep. And his dad came.

His dad had like a mustache. He was like an older guy. And he's like, yeah dad had like a mustache. He's like an older guy and he's like, yeah, sorry we're late. Frederick goes too nervous to take a crap in the gas station. And his little shitty bubble baths brace

his son goes, Dad! And that's that's burning in my memory just because it was so. That is a far side cartoon. A single panel.

He literally he was shaped like a fucking top. And he was just, he's like that grease where if he was near a fire, it would just like light up. Yes, yeah. Pimples all over, had a flat top like a police officer. No, where if he catches on fire, they know not to put water on him because it makes it worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's full of oil.

Yeah. You have to like spray him with like powder like from a kitchen like Ansel system if you know firearms. Yeah, and he just was like the shittiest fucking guy

who ever existed. Like a guy when he runs, you know, his ass, like his huge ass just jiggles back and forth. Like he moves by jiggling his ass yeah yeah yeah it gets like wind yeah

and he had big pedophile glasses I forgetting that yeah and he'd just be like dad can we make a fire his dad would be like not you gotta go take a crap before you can make a fire dad fire. Dude. I is that I remember he called the crapper.

He was one of those guys like go to the crapper. Take a crack. I missed you so much when we lived in Big Spring, Texas for those four years. I missed you so much because mom sent you to Boy Scout camp and I was like so sad that you're even though you hated me i was so sad you were gone and like must have been first grade yeah and i couldn't wait to get the letter from you we were getting a letter oh god this letter can i talk about it go for it yeah yeah so we were me and mom were i

was really excited because we were finally going to hear from Jace because he was like up in the mountains in the middle of nowhere. Where the hell were you? I was up by big, so I went on this big Boy Scout trip. Did you get molested? Honestly, maybe. Where were you? Dude, I don't know. Everything looked like Breaking Bad.

It was all yellow. I slept in a shipping container and I met this guy called the toy box killer he played this audio recording of how he was gonna fuck me but i don't think i got a lesson um now can i say real quick before you read because the letter it's like a real fucking pathetic kid thing i went to this insane like i was into the boy scouts just because i was like you know fucking got this weird empty home life i'm searching for something like i'd rather whittle in the woods and sleep in a bunk bed yeah yeah and so i went to like these guys talked me into the like let's go to the boy scout camp the crapper guy was one of them and so we went to this fucking place out and this is how terrible the boy by the

way the boy scouts has like 80 000 molestation charges did you know that yeah i saw that it's like four times what the catholic church ever had that's why they don't want girls in the boy scouts and shit yeah because they gotta you know yeah fucking you know no wives yeah yeah um but we they took us out to like this no hands yeah they took us out to like this big ben national park and it was like literally like the most retarded people i've ever met in my life. And I, they were in charge of me and we slept in a tent. The place where we stayed was in a notorious tornado Canyon. So they, because of the build of the land,

tornadoes form there like once every two weeks. Right. We almost died in a tornado. They're just hoping all half the class gets like sucked into the sky. Yeah. Looking back, I think my parents sent me there to die. Yeah.

Like hopefully I get sucked into heaven. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And God takes me back home. Before you go, you have to look over your will. You're like nine. You have a lawyer. My mom's making me sign a life insurance policy for a fucking 11-year-old. What is the whole thing?

You can't be gay in the Boy Scouts or you can't be a girl in the Boy Scouts? You can't be not gay in the Boy Scouts. That never made sense because if you're a Boy Scout, you're just gay. You can't be a girl in the boy scouts you can't be not gay in the boy scouts that's what i that's that i never never made sense because if you're a boy scout you're just gay you can't be a girl i think they allow you to be gay now oh it's like a don't ask don't tell type of thing yeah but so anyway so the first night almost die in a tornado and i remember because we had so many tornadoes growing up i was looking at the clouds i go those look like tornado clouds and lightning was striking around us and i remember the guy who was in charge of just like wrote it off it was like a 24 year

old guy not even that he goes oh look at the fucking pussy thanks for gonna die in a tornado and then he picked up a big piece of metal rebar he's like and he was running around with it on top of his head he goes oh i'm gonna die from lightning that'd be so great if he was killed i know i know fucking the second day i remember they were they were teaching us how to like rescue somebody in the wilderness and like they're like here's how you brace a splint and you put them on the board and then you carry them off on the like that emergency board yeah and i remember that same guy he got it there was a kid he didn't like he was like talking back to him a little bit and he was the he was the guy like the guy who got injured in the demonstration he's like all right lay down on the board and now you carry him off and the two of the kids picked him up

and as they were carrying him off the counselor went over and he just fucking he slammed the side of the board and the kid fell onto his face he fucking checked him he fucking checked him while he was lying tied to a board and then like the board and him fell like face first into like some rocks and shit and he started crying and then um fucking there was a lot of weird shit i remember uh there's fucking at one point that we all ate in a big mess hole oh and then i forgot this was there was like one giant crapper is it called? Latrine. Some kids had gone in there and they'd shit in on the lids of the toilet. So you couldn't take a shit?

You couldn't take a shit. You couldn't take a shit. Like they were laying bricks for a well? Yeah, literally. Like when you see those 3D houses where they're like laying an inch of fucking mortar at a time. Somebody had like fucking donut wind all the toilet so you couldn't take a shit so nobody took a shit the entire week and we'd go to the like mess hall to eat and people would just like be farting like like a thousand kids farting loudly yeah and i

remember there was like this little fucking seven-year-old kid and he was like like he went to go make a peanut butter sandwich and a counselor walked over and he's like what are you doing he goes my mom she puts the jelly in his smiley what are you doing? And he goes, my mom, she puts the jelly in his smiley face, so I'm putting it in a jelly face like my mom. And then he goes, Chair Hall, all right, listen, little Billy here, thanks for making peanut butter sandwiches

like your mama makes them. We're not, we get the jelly, and he swooshed it onto a fucking thing of bread. We get the peanut butter, we swoosh it on there, and then we slam it together and then he like dumped the fucking thing on the tray and like the kid was just bawling and crying dude kids were crying dude it was like it's like i was in boys torture yeah it was boys town these guys wanted to be war heroes they wanted to be like they come back from a war with like 100 confirmed kills

and they failed boot camp immediately. Dude, they failed boot camp and then they failed like the ROTC. Like they couldn't even get into like, they probably got kicked out of paintball leagues for being too gay. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, all right,

youth minister or Weeblow scout, I guess. And they're like, okay, here's 5,000 12-year-olds. Right. There's Tornado Alley. Who do I have ultimate control over? Yeah. Children.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, my God. This is crazy. Sorry, but the letter was still kind of pathetic that I sent. Yeah, so we open up the mailbox, and it's like, we open it, and it's like Paradise Lost. It's like 1,000 pages.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, dearest, dearest mother, surely I will take my own life very soon if i haven't already by the time you've read this if you don't come pick me yeah i think i was literally like if you don't pick me up i'm gonna kill myself jace was nine he was fucking nine years old my mom was reading and i remember her like crying i was like i was like terrible because they, wouldn't make you, they wouldn't let your pros was like a maze. She was like, who wrote this? Yeah. It was like fucking, yeah, it was like, like fucking, um, the civil war documentary. No, it was like Ulysses S. Grant's

like memoirs, like your tales from the civil war. They were like, our son is gay. Yeah. I remember I wrote this long letter and then I drew a picture of me with like tears. It tales from the Civil War. They were like, our son is gay. I remember I wrote this long letter and then I drew a picture of me with tears. It was a little stick figure and I go, me, crying here. This was like a plea to be like, it's your one note out of prison. I hope this gets to them. They wouldn't let

you make a phone call unless somebody was listening right next to you on the line so I couldn't get on the phone and be like bitch you're trying to fucking kill me get over here like hang up so I had to like write this long letter it's like visitation with codes and shit

you're like the you have like meaning it's the zodiac killer you leave them a bunch of meanings for words I'm blinking torture like that Vietnam veteran getting interviewed. And yeah, mom came and picked me up a day earlier. And I remember I saw her and I started like fucking bawling because I was like, I hate this place.

Yeah. So much. I think you smelled like shit too because you weren't able to shit. Nobody could take it. Dude, everybody. My mom said she walked into the chow hall. Dude, you smell bad. And she's like, you hit like a wall of shit.

Yeah. Like you walked in and it was, you hit like a wall of shit. Yeah. Like you walked in and it was like flies and like maggots and shit. It was a bunch of constipated, constipated children. It was a bunch of nine-year-olds who had like the colon

of like a cab driver from Brooklyn. Just cannot take a shit whatsoever. Dude, I have like fucking nightmares about that because I was in a tent. I remember being in a tent and then my tent getting ripped out of the ground at night because a tornado fucking came and we all had to like run into another tent with like the crap and i'm like

i'm gonna die next to the crapper guy so they treated you guys like uh cattle in a great field yeah basically yeah there should have been a dog just hitting us so we get into a big group. Like it should have been Gracie running into the sides of us like a sheepdog. Dude, it was fucking brutal. But anyway, that that's this guy. That's him. That is that's literally this guy. Yeah.

Vincent Ambrosia. This guy looked like every fucking leader on any retreat I went to in Catholic school. Just he's there to have some control before he's arrested at 23. Every fucking leader on any retreat I went to in Catholic school, he's there to have some control before he's arrested at 23. Yeah, trying to give you directions about how to do the rosary. I've read from, I've seen from, I think Chris Hansen talked about this. I think Chris Hansen was in the cold control room like, do we just let him fuck? Do we let this one, just turn the cameras off and let's

just let it play out? This is really sad. You know that actress has an earpiece in and they're like we've advised you to let him fuck if you're down for that. We know you're 24 years old. He could just really, I feel like we could stop a mass shooting if you fuck him right now. If I was his defense attorney

I would say your honor, my man was never going to get it in. Not for a second. You saw his game. I go, I asked the good people of the jury, in good faith, was this man going to fuck tonight? Ask yourself that. Have you ever been fucked? Have you ever fucked someone? Did it look like that beforehand no then you know

fuck all right let's see this play out for a little bit we only watched like three minutes of it it's so fucking sad this man's dick is drier than the sahara he is not getting it in this is i feel like he if he had been allowed in polite society any longer, he would evolve into dressing up like the mask. Yeah, probably. That's what I think he'd do. Hey, Tex, how you doing? How you doing?

What? He called him Tex. He called Chris Hansen Tex? No, Chris Hansen came in and said hey text how you doing oh gotcha okay that's wacky that's funny he seems to be playing it pretty cool he's doing fine yeah well he said he goes yeah i figured which means i think he knows the fact that they were gonna fuck him means yeah yeah yeah he goes he goes wow this woman hasn't maced me in the face that must mean i'm on to catch up he's like to be honest i showed

up for the like therapy i just need someone to talk to somebody to help me yeah it feels good to have somebody listen even if for three minutes before i get arrested by a man in a ghillie suit have you seen those episodes where a cop would come out in a ghillie suit yeah yeah yeah where they own to catch a predator? Yeah, because they always, you know, they're like, Chris Hansen's like, you're free to go. And then they like, they walk out, the cop just blows his head off at the front door. But there was one where they're just like in a house in like Venice Beach. Yeah.

And a cop runs up in a full ghillie suit. Like he's like a sniper in the woods or something. Yeah, because they'll let them like fake leave sometimes. And then they always get tackled. Well, you know, I always thought this show was scripted. I thought there might even be hired actors for this stuff until I saw this one. And they're like, we're not airing this.

Dude, because... Well, I always thought it was fake because no pedophile ever pulls out ninja stars or nunchucks to fend away Chris Hansen. They never have a weapon on them. This guy's weapon is his personality. It keeps attackers away. He has a permit.

He's like a superhero. There have been ones... One of my favorite things about the show, and I don't want to ever get through this clip, is that they would have legitimately retarded people on the show sometimes. I remember there was one guy where he was like a skinny

white guy and he's like, am I gonna be arrested? And he says it like that. Am I gonna be arrested? Like Scooby-Doo? He's like excited about it. It's like it's a new thing that's never happened. And then Chris Hansen goes, most probably, he goes, oh, crap. And he has like the, you know, the magic eight ball eyes where they shake and move around.

These guys, they all need, and I might just be the man to do it if things start going south for me. I'll become the Andrew Tate top G for these sad pedophile guys. I think I could pull it off. Yeah. That's a good route for you. I think there'd be a lot of money in it. There's honor in it, too. And Andrew Tate and Ambly guy. Yeah. There's a good route for you. I think there'd be a lot of money in it. There's honor in it, too. And Andrew Tate and Ambly guy.

Yeah. There's a void in the market. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you walking around shirtless. There's money to be made. These kids expect to be carried everywhere they go. They should have sex, and then they should drive me to dinner. I have a harem of 12-year-olds who will do my bidding.

You shirtless, smoking a cigar, pretending Gracie's a wolf. Okay, let's watch a little bit of this retard. I love the way he slides into a chair, by the way. Oh, he can't wait to sit. He can't actually fully, he can't just plop down on anything. He has to slide in.

He has to push his ass on top of the chair. Yes. Every chair he gets on, it's like getting into a hot bath. It's like he's getting on a horse. Yeah. You know what? I have nothing to look for anyway. Fuck. Life's a mess.

Oh, God. I failed high school. I have no motivation to finish it. I'm the pills. I'm out of work. What are you doing? I'm not a child. I'm a fuck up. Dude, you see Chris Hansen be like,

what the fuck? Yeah, Chris Hansen's like, you're ruining my fucking bit. You sad asshole. You're supposed to be lying. Why aren't you defending yourself and lying, you fat piece of shit pedophile? You can literally see Chris Hansen be like, I should be in

Fallujah. I could have been a war correspondent. Talking to the saddest man who ever lived. Oh my god. Look, I can understand how tough that is. But why does it make it okay? I wasn't going to do anything.

She said she... I know. I want to be a cop. I wasn't going to do anything. But that's not what you said. I know. I want to be a cop. I wasn't going to do anything. You want to be a cop? I want to be a cop. I heard it's easier to fuck them that way. I thought maybe if I had a gun and the kind of vague idea they would avoid jail time. You know, we all saw the case of an Asian cop.

He got like 500 years. We're fucking all those adults. I was like, I could have gotten more time than him. I figured they got the handcuffs. It's kind of sexy. He comes with handcuffs. It's like dressing up like a BDSM guy. It would be funny if Chris Hansen's like,

still not too late to become a police officer, by the way. He lets him. He goes, you have two options. Go to jail or become the sergeant what if to catch a predator what if to catch a predator is just a show where they're trying to vet

police officers where he's like meeting up with like a black teen it's just a guy a guy answering the door and it's like a guy in a hoodie eating skittles he's like come in come in my parents are gone

the guy's like fucking you're not the type of kid I wanted and they're like you're hired you're hired why don't you go join the police academy I'm fat I can't do anything.

Look, I had a father who was overweight. I get it. I had a father who was overweight. He goes, listen, I'm not fat like you. But I can relate to it through other losers I know. Yeah, I've known other losers like you. Take a seat. Take a seat. But still, that doesn't make it okay what was that i don't know a twist bar he has a bunch of like key fobs he keeps taking out i don't

know i think it's like um i think guys like him always have like tic tacs they just have tons of things yeah they always have they always have the the fucking pair of pliers that turns into five knives. Yes, the Swiss Army knife thing. Just on the idea that somebody might need that at some point so they could be vaguely... Somebody will have to talk to them. Man, Ben, this is brutal than I could have imagined.

Oh, it's sad. Social chat sites and talk to a girl who's 12 years old. What grade are you in? Seven. Cool, could I see a pic of you? You like older guys.

You said all this, right? Dude, I'm fat, man. He just thinks being fat is like you get carte blanche to do anything. He's like, I'm not getting regular pussy, man. I'm fat. I'm fucking fat, man. The'm fat. You're fucking fat, man. The fat defense.

The Twinkie defense. He's like, fucking the kids. I'm fat. It's like the sweet even out. It turns into Ralphie, man. Yeah. We both have no discipline. You think I'm going to not fuck a kid when I can? I can't

stop shuffling burrito bowls into my mouth oh man pulling up like really stiff blue denim jeans up to your tits that's fucking insane that's brutal that's crazy absolutely brutal insane yeah like a cowboy belt yeah with like a hand carved leather belt yep you know he went to a leather shop and he's like, can you carve don't kill yourself into a belt? Over and over for me. By the way, I think you guys missed he has a pill addiction too. Oh, that's the way.

Are you sure they're not Tic Tacs? I have a pill addiction. I have Mentos. I'm into naughty pic. You send a picture of yourself. I know. Don't remind me. I know. I'm fat. I'm not that big, but I could fit inside you. Oh!

Oh! I forgot he told her he has a tiny dick. He even told a kid he has a small penis. He's like, don't laugh. Jesus Christ. Even for a kid, his dick is tiny. Oh my God.

Jesus Christ. Even for a kid, his dick is tiny. Oh, my God. Fucking Christ. Replace yourself. I mean, you see how this looks. Oh, my God. How did you get to this? He's about to point at the cupcakes.

He's like, I mean, I didn't eat one. Then he eat one. I didn't eat one. He thinks he's there because he thinks he's being accused of eating the cupcakes. He goes, I swear. He goes, are you from Weight Watchers? He goes, I swear I only licked one. I licked it. I just imagine the cops like arresting him and they're like, do you have anything

we don't know about? And they're just pulling sandwiches out of his... Like they're knives. It's that scene in Heavyweights where they're pulling out all the candy. Yeah, they're rolling down his sock and pulling out a Slim Jim. He has those Steve McQueen gun holsters, but just to hold

a fucking... Just to hold jerky. Yeah, reaches into his vest and pulls out a fucking Coke. How did you get to this place? Which place? This or just me? Everybody's got personal problems, right? But that doesn't mean it's okay to do this. You get that, right? But that doesn't mean it's okay to do this. You get that, right?

Yeah. Oh, God. How far did you drive today? An hour, an hour and a half. Man, can't even fuck kids around his area. Jesus, I know. Jesus Christ. He's got to travel.

He's traveling. He has a travel agent for his pedophilia. Yeah, he's like those guys who never get laid and they're like, well, there's a woman in North Dakota who has to get on a plane to get his dick sucked. He's got his tenders on a thousand mile radius. Man.

You need a connecting flight to get pussy. You can't even get it direct. Good lord. You need a checkup bag to get pussy. Other times have you done this? Never. Well, that's hard for me to believe. She said she wanted a friend.

I'm stupid. But there's no friends 19, 20? I have one friend. He's always working. Nobody else. Look at the way I dress and stuff. Don't be so weird. He knows he's an idiot. He's making fun of his outfit already.

He's trying to plead loser. Yeah, exactly. The loser defense. He's like, you see how I dress? Fucking cowboy hats. I'm bad as shit. I'm Peter Griffin in Tombstone. What do you think?

I tried to ride a horse at a ranch there to put it down can't even be a cowboy look at where i dress and stuff everybody thinks i'm weird well the only weird thing i see he goes the only weird thing i see is you want to also everything else about you. I got also that. And then he goes, also, are you the governor of New Jersey? This does look like one of his big Chris Christie's. No, I'm sorry. Mike Huckabee.

Mike Huckabee's deformed children. It does. It looks like they're very fat and tortured dog. It looks like one of his big kids. Mike Huckabee's kids he got by shoving a rib up his wife's pussy. Yeah, those fucking mountain dogs that his wife gave birth to. Yeah, Burmese.

Those Burmese mountain dogs. These are my Burmese children, Chud and Fuck. The only men Fuck Huckabee. This is Chud Huckabee and this is his brother, Fuck Huckabee. This is Chud Huckabee and this is his brother. Fuck Huckabee.

And this is my daughter, Colonel Elizabeth Sanders. The only people in the public eye that got canceled for lynching animals. Yeah. They were doing hate crimes to like golden retrievers. They were like,

we thought he had a problem. He would hang frogs and do a ritual in a cloak. They would do like true detective shit to like bugs. He kept putting burning crosses outside the creek. Said that was for the crickets. In his defense,

he would look over at the dog, start to lick his lips, and then imagine a big turkey in place of the dog. Shit. Oh, wait, let me rewind it. I mean, have you tried to get some help? He's looking at the water bottle.

Yeah. He turns to him and he goes, do you have like a Kool-Aid jammer he goes he's looking at the water bottle he's like is this soybean oil he goes I have to apologize the water hurt me and that's the main reason I'm crying so much

I feel like I just got my wisdom teeth taken out. Man, that sucks. It sucks he can't just be a lizard. When he, when, yeah. I'm not kidding. When he read off the my dick is too small to fuck a kid, I got like a migraine

in the back of my head. Yeah, I know. That's painful. How often do you go on the internet? To do this stuff. Not with girls. Not little girls. What made you do this?

Just help me understand what's going on. She responded, man. You kind of know, Vincent. You're an adult now. So you're what? 1920s? I'm 35. Chris Hansen is looking for anything to make it look like it's not so bad. Chris Hansen is trying looking for anything to make it look like it's not so bad

Chris Hansen is trying to make this pedophile look on the brighter side And this guy's just like man I'm 58 He's like I was in Grenada What are you gonna do about this situation? Is he wearing like a steakhouse shirt? Yeah, he's wearing a shirt for wherever he works, but he thinks it looks slick. No one will notice. Yeah, he's wearing like a corporate button-down shirt that they gave him.

Where'd you go to school? Ketchum. Where? Ketchum and Wappinger's. Ketchum and Wappinger's. That's like a school for fat people. Ketchum and Wappiner's? What is it called? It's called Ketchum and Whoppers That's like a school For fat people Ketchup Ketchup and Whoppers What is it called

Ketchup Whoppers It's called Ketchup and Whoppers Yeah it's called I went to Baboom High Oh shit I failed English

Participation in government economics Can't even be a nerd Like I know I never I don't have any motivation Chris Hansen's like Alright shut up faggot. Just this depression

is so crippling. Did you go see somebody? A doctor? I'm seeing... He's like, I see a kid. I see a kid who plays doctor. Damn! Damn you, Ben!

Damn you to hell. He talks to me about it. Why is he going to Brooklyn? Is he from New York? I think he's just from a town with no name. His name's like Italian. In the Midwest. His name's like Vincent Ambrosio.

Yeah. Comes from Mayonnaise, Virginia or something. Oh, no. Yeah, Devin, he's Sicilian. He's like, yeah. He's definitely like a... Yeah. What part of the boot did you have family fuck kids on?

Jesus Christ. I kind of now hate this guy because he's just going for the sympathy thing. It's like, you did. You were trying to fuck him. No, he knows what he's doing. This is all like... No, it's when a retarded person pretends to not know they're retarded.

Yes, exactly. He's well aware. Hi, Gracie. Why are you looking at my neck? You're sweet. Gracie's like, please stop playing it. Stop playing the video.

I love you so much. I'll take you out after we watch the big fat retired pedophile. Okay, Gracie. Very good. We're watching the big retarded cowboy pedophile this week. Gracie, go die. All right, Gracie.

Now get the fuck out of here. Leave and die, please. Stop licking my leg. Gracie, come on. Gracie, come over here and face the wall. She also licks your leg. You know the way a hamster gets water out of that little pipe? She sucks your skin a little bit. Yeah. It's like a slug. Now she's licks your leg. You know the way a hamster gets water out of that little pipe? She sucks your skin a little bit.

Yeah. It's like a slug. Now she's licking your arm. Don't lick my elbow. I hate that. All right. Back to the... Enough.

Your dogs are so annoying. I'd rather watch a pedophile. I'm not a big talker about my feelings. Oh, wait, wait. No, this part I actually relate to. I don't want to go. I haven't been to therapy. I relate to.

I'm not a big talker about my feelings. So he talks to me about it when I go. Yeah, real Tony Soprano you are. Yeah. You know, he talks, you know. My bipolar depression.

My bipolar. He's like, instead of whatever happened to Gary Cooper, he's like, whatever happened to Gary Glitter? Gary Cooper. He's like,

whatever happened to Gary Glitter? You know, the strong, silent type, how they do it. What do you take for that? That would be the title of the episode. That's great.

Whatever happened to Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter. Yeah. Hey, that's Devin's Twitter bio still, right? Whatever happened to Gary Cooper? Oh, no, that was a long time ago. Yeah. Hey, that's Devin's Twitter bio still, right? Whatever happened to Gary Cooper? Oh, no.

That was a long time ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The Lexapro, Gabapentin, and Adderall are supposed to give me energy to want to do things. You know, I'm on a thousand milligrams of Chuck E. Cheese. Adderall are supposed to give me energy to want to do things, but I had fucked that up. I didn't realize. Can you imagine being that fat on Adderall was supposed to give me energy to want to do things but I had fucked that up I didn't realize can you imagine being that fat on Adderall

I know on meth it makes it so hard to care about eating it's the best it's like an amazing drug it's incredible and obviously people are abusing it anytime I've just casually done it I'm like this is amazing I could turn my whole life around

I don't because I'm not like that and then it's 4am you haven't eaten all day anytime i've just casually done it i'm like this is amazing i could turn my whole life around i don't because i don't i just i'm not like that but and then it's 4 a.m you haven't eaten all day you have an insane headache yes and you have a headache but like this guy's on adderall and he just can't stop doesn't even suppress his appetite for children yeah it's like the adderall gives him more energy to eat food yeah right like now i can move quicker he's like look at me cooking making fried bologna sandwiches by the way we had a pedophile at our school that got arrested at lunch yeah i remember that and he looked like this guy he's a big fat uh weird looking guy yeah he had the the fanny pack yeah yeah pictures of kids no a lot of pedophiles are obese i wonder if there's something where they don't look at themselves like they're viewed on

an adult spectrum because they're fat. Oh, because they still eat like kids types of lunches? Yeah, and they're also grouped in mentally by other people with like- As being juvenile? A lack of respect and juvenile. Yeah, and maybe it allows them to feel more comfortable with their urges. I don't know. You might be right.

He gave me 10 milligram tablets to start with 10 twice a day. He said, that doesn't want to pump it up a dose to two tens. So 20 twice a day. It's the pharmaceutical company's fault, really, that this guy is a big fat cowboy pedophile yeah not his own moral failing in every moment of his life no i blame the sacklers or his family to people that are pedophiles that never got molested do they feel like uh like like they were like gifted by god like they're just like the chosen one do they feel like lebron yeah but they just had a genetic yeah genetically like it's just like i'm born

yeah they're like i don't even have to get jumped in yeah yeah i could just naturally because i've always been under the assumption that if you are this it's because something happened to you i've heard i've heard those numbers are skewed because a lot of pedophiles lie about that right to get away to get sympathy sympathy yeah so i've heard those numbers are skewed because a lot of pedophiles lie about that. Right, to get away with sympathy. So I've heard those numbers are skewed. Also, if you fuck a kid, they should put a bolt in your head and just throw you in a hole. Yeah, we should just move right on. I was taking 330,

so I was taking 180. Jesus. And Chris Hansen's like, alright. Jesus. Yeah, he's like, oh my God. And you're still fat? 180 milligrams of Adderall a day is a lot. That's insane. That's insane. What did that do to you?

I was so antsy. I was angry at my dad. I was angry at everybody. I picked my fingernails to nothing. Who gives a shit? I've had withdrawal down for the last couple days because he can't refill it because it's not October.

One of the symptoms of withdrawal is fucking a kid. We all know that. And the worst part is, Chris, I'm fucking Italian. That would be a better defense. He's like, listen, I'm an animal. Just come in and be like,

Chris, I come from a primitive ape-like family. Chris, listen, we're so retarded. We love the cops and organized crime. I come from a small community of a bunch of bricklaying, pea-brained pieces of shit. My dad wears that Remember 9-11 Eminem shirt with the Eminem police officer on it. I'm fucking retarded. police officer on it.

I'm fucking retarded. Refill 30 twice a day extended release because they say it's too high of a dose, but I'm fat, so the 30 didn't bother me. Did you ever try to diet? I've actually lost weight. I lost about 20 pounds, and I've lost

40 pounds since January. That's pretty good. It seems like in that respect, you were heading in the right direction, but here you headed in the wrong direction. How are you going to get back on track here? He says he wants to try now a month with this Adderall to see if it works.

I just want to get shot therapy. It's that bad. Jesus Christ. I sat on the floor and I cried last night, the other night, to my mom. I said, I don't want to feel like this anymore. Oh, God. I don't want to get up. I don't want to get out of bed.

He wants to electrocute the pedophilia out of him. Like a brush fire where you can burn a certain area. It's good for crop rotation. It puts nitrogen into the soil. Like when they're in a swamp and they're just lighting the fucking weeds on fire. She cries.

She feels horrible for me. And you live at home. Yeah, obviously. I do take care of my grandfather. He goes, no, Chris, I live in a penthouse, you fucking at home. Yeah, obviously. And I do take care of my grandfather. He goes, no, Chris, I live in a penthouse, you fucking mutt. You fucking retard. Oh, God, I think he is wearing a shirt

he got at a steakhouse. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it says like Bourbon Street or something. They gave him that so he would stop coming back to the steakhouse. They go, in exchange for not running off our clientele. Oh, God. Our chef threw his back out cooking for you.

So we'll give you this, the only shirt you'll ever wear now. Chef threw his back out. He's gotten worse. Listen, I can empathize with him. Yeah, he just, like, McConaughey, he just turns to him and goes, if you get a chance, you should take your own life. Except this. How long is this?

They, it's, you got to wait until he goes, he's going to go to jail here real soon. Keep it, keep it going. This is what, I mean, we've done, we've gone too far at this point. It's pretty graphic. You know better, Vincent. I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot, man.

That's just what T was saying. What's crazy is he's doing the Philip Seymour Hoffman Boogie Nights thing. That's exactly what I was thinking. I'm an idiot. I bought a little toy car. I thought you would like it.

Like an idiot. Then Chris Hansen walks into another room and shoots his wife having sex with another guy. I fucked up again. There's nothing else I can say, but I fucked up again. How else have you effed up? Out of school, my life, everything.

Do you have any hobbies? Not really. I like driving and smoking cigars. His hobby is smoking cigars. Smoking cigars. I think it was something in... Hold on. Not really.

I like driving and I like smoking cigars. Wow. So he likes pretending to be Tony Soprano. Yes. He likes pretending to be a man. I like to drive and smoke cigars. Jesus. You know the day

he went to prison was just like the first ten minutes of Shawshank Redemption. Oh yeah. Where they're all batting on him. Utterly brutal.

Fresh fish! He's been deloused. He's walking through naked holding stuff over his really he's holding one finger over his tiny dick and balls.

The voice of Mr. Krabs is beating him to death for crying. Bet he doesn't even have a dick. It's like a chicken fry. Yeah, it's a hole you can shove french fries in. That's how he was going to try and fuck.

His dick is a McFlurry straw. Oh, that's so funny. That's my life. What? Did I need to get a job? Did I need to get structured in my life. What are you going to go from here? This is not a good day for you. What else is new?

It's never a good day. When did this start for you? When did it get off the tracks for you? The depression? Yeah. Since I'm 12, 13. This is Steven Crowder in 20 years. He kind of looks like Steven Crowder.

A little bit. Knowing his different build combinations, that's why I wanted shock therapy. I posted on the Whisper app last week. He's trying to get independent shock therapy. He's on Nextdoor. Like, hey, does anyone have any electrical wires? He's going to a body shop,

and they're just plugging him into a car battery. You see him. It looks like his car battery died in a parking lot and you pull up you go you need some help he's like yeah just can you put these up to my ears yeah can you put this wooden tongue depressor in my mouth oh shit oh fuck so i think okay let me rewind here i posted on the whisper app you guys remember whisper he what is whisper whispers where you anonymously post a thing in your area i thought he said westboro baptist church oh no that would be that would be way too cool for what's what's whisper ben you just like post a status but it's not linked to anything right yeah you were like yik yak and

all that stuff not really whisper is that thing where you see a picture of something and there's just text over it and it's like has anybody ever got sucked off behind the whataburger is it just me somebody posts i killed my dad yeah whatever yeah but it's not it's not like it just goes out to a public feed and there's no profile or name attached to it yeah and it's like i just fuck fucked my grandma. And then it's like, damn, that's crazy. Jesus Christ. Last week, because I've been having the withdrawal and stuff, I said I just want to

tell myself and the nurse from... And everybody told me to do it on the app. They said that'd be a good idea. And I looked it up and I told my doctor about it but he doesn't want to do it and he wants to wait and see if the pills work. I'm tired of seeing if the pills work. He thinks shock therapy and see if the pills work. I'm tired of seeing if the pills work. He thinks shock therapy is like

Baja Blast. He thinks it's like McDonald's. McDonald's Sprite isn't strong enough for him anymore. So he needs fucking 20... He needs fucking lightning through his brain. He needs a sham shock shake. Sham shock shake therapy.

What you did here is hard to excuse. But I hope you get help with all your other stuff. That being said, we will be ruining your life now. Nobody wants you to die. That being said, we will be ruining your life now. Now, these men are going to come in the room, and I want you to know they're not putting donuts over your wrists. Yeah, he goes, can we have him bring in about four extra pair of handcuffs? Yeah, he's not going to be able to fit his arms behind his back. Wheel him out like King Kong.

I have seen pictures of a really, really fat person getting arrested, and what they had to do because they couldn't get their arms is they did handcuffs, handcuff, handcuff around. Like they handcuffed the two pairs of handcuffs together. Oh, my God. Yeah. handcuffs around. Like they handcuff the two pairs of handcuffs together. What if they do if their wrists are too fat for the actual...

I guess if they're too fat for handcuffs you don't have to worry about them getting away. Yeah, yeah. So then they just follow me, I guess. Can you get in your car and follow me to the station? Yeah, they roll him to the station.

Or I guess they could put you in one of those things you have horses in. They put you in a hamburger patty wagon. Wait, look at that. You promised to get some help. Have horses in? They put you in a hamburger paddy wagon. Mm-hmm. Well, this will be on your permanent record for the rest of your life. Do you promise to get some help after you're anally penetrated by an extremely buff man full of tattoos on his face? Would you get help after that?

No, I don't even think... I think people even in jail... Charles Manson would be like, I have much pity for you, sir. Yeah, yeah. He would turn the cold as hearts. Pharaoh himself would take him in and raise him. Yeah, he'd turn people's lives around.

Because they're like, I ended up in a cell with this guy. I need to convert to Islam. He promised me. I wish I just had a heart attack, but I must overdose to get the animal. Look at me. Look at me. No one cares if you overdose. So don't do it for attention.

Man, he's so sad now he's still he knows he's going to prison but he just wants Chris Hansen to make him feel better. It's really sad. He wants Chris Hansen to just wipe his ass. Yeah. Look at me. Look at me.

Do you promise me you will get it? Look at me. I'm the fat man now. Okay. So can we make this a turning point for you? He goes, look at me. I'm the fat man now. He goes, look at me. I'm the GMO. He goes, you look like you're full of mega plastics. Okay. Wow. Do me a favor favor Get the fuck out of here

Get the fuck out of my house I'll take him to jail Jesus Christ I'll get the coat He's like this is really greasy. Man. He goes, you like what you see? Now all the cameras come out.

They're all filming his gunt. Look at that. He's concealed carrying a stomach. He's like, listen, I can't. Listen, I have a lot of fibroids in my uterus right now. This, fuck this cameraman. And I'm laughing at it, but this is a fucked up thing. It's like from The Revenant.

It's like if she was a chick with a great ass and they only keep showing the ass. What? They keep filming his guns. Watch this. Watch how he comes in and then goes over. And then they go back down. He's changing the lens to get all of it. Oh, shit.

Sorry. He goes, all right, so here's a gun. We don't normally do this, but the garage has been lined with plastic. All right. Now get in that car. We want to watch the whole left side go down. He goes, get in that car. We want to watch the whole left side go down. Sorry, there, sir, please.

Turn around. Get behind your back. It was get in the car. We're going to turn it on. Close this door. Okay, someone put the garden hose in the exhaust pipe. Let's do this thing. Anything in your pockets? Anything sticking to the skirts?

Phone was touched in the air. It said nothing in your pocket. Man. The cops said attaboy Like an old dog That you're getting to go to bed Like a dog with a tumor that you're trying to get Up the stairs You go, there you go. Yay.

Right before you put it down. What was your knife? You got it? Oh, yeah. He had a pocket knife. That knife was to spread jelly. He goes, that's for steak. Do you think he sometimes carries a straight razor in his cowboy boots?

Look at those boots, man. They didn't have to. By the way, they did not have to do that. They did not have to zoom in on his... They're showing his shitty boots. They're showing all the things he got. He gets his boots at TJ Maxx. This is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

He's wearing boy cow boots. Truly one of the most brutal videos. And now they're arresting him in just some random car in the garage. Just a Nissan Altima. Just throw him in the Altima. Chris goes, you can take mine. Fuck it. Chris goes, I'm staying here tonight.

Just opens a bottle of vodka. Yeah, Chris just starts fucking the actress. What's up? What's up? I can't answer all that stuff. I know what you should do. I know what you should do. Try to relax, alright?

He really looks like a larva in that position. He has segments. He looks like he's about to turn into a beautiful creature. Yeah, he's about to turn into that girl he was trying to fuck. They literally...

Look, they even sit next to him. They sit next to him. That's right. If you lean maybe a little bit forward, are you leaning on him? That's going to hurt you. You can almost turn sideways if you want. Oh, he did it during the day? Yeah. Look at him.

God, he looks like a fish out of water. They take his fingerprints by just rubbing the fudge on his hands. Like chocolate syrup. Like, oh, we don't need the ink block. Oh my god. Yeah, pretty much. What did he say? Let me go back.

I take care of my friend. Is that like a full-time job? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, we put an additional on last year. For me to sleep they put an addition on for so he could fit so he said his job is he takes care of his grandfather full-time yeah i hope that's a lie i hope that's a i live with my grandparents because my parents think i suck i think best best case scenario that's like the the grandpa where they're like we don't have enough money to put him in a home and he's paid off this house so like let's just stick they go vincent knows how

to use a can opener so he can live with pop pop yeah if anybody knows how to get food open it's Vincent so he can help pop pop when pop pops brain is orange juice yeah there you go he's going to booking we're gonna process you what does a guy like this get sentence like does he does he he get a long sentence or just a slap on the wrist type thing? You gotta wonder what the judge does in this situation. Right. What does the judge do? After he sees the tape and all the evidence, I mean...

Is the jury weeping? Are they crying? The jury is trying to adopt him. Right. You know the judge gives one of those final, like, I don't know what the thing is, like in his final verdict, he goes, I've been a judge in this county for 35 years.

I once saw a couple kill their baby by throwing it in a river. And I thought that was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. Until you, Vincent Ambrosia Salad grace this courtroom. He just gives him the whole may God have mercy

on your soul type speech. He goes, this is not a death penalty state, but now it is. Bailiff, shoot this man oh Jesus Christ the judge orders the bailiff to kill him yeah

kill his ass and get him out of my courtroom he goes my dad was a cop said his dad was a cop oh really oh no he goes that's where I learned this whole thing. Oh, no.

Oh, no. My daddy was a pedophile. My great granddaddy was a pedophile. I come from a long line of kid fuckers. Long line of pedophiles. What would you like to tell me? We got a win state. Oh, man.

The way he's leaned over the desk like that. Oh that oh god you know he's kind of got to love this because it's the most he's ever talked to somebody yeah years yeah and the cops don't care because they're like yeah keep telling us how your life's a mess like you're still going into a cell we don't care he's probably looking forward to it because he's like you get a cellmate right right and they like have to talk to you yeah yeah they have to hang out they have to hang that's what i was thinking i'm like i wonder if there's like if there's certain types of pedophiles where it's like they it's they don't even have that as an actual uh urge like naturally they're just such losers they start they work themselves into a panic that the only people that would ever speak to them are people with the brains of children and that's the only person that would

hang out with them well i mean i mean there's part of me that's wondering if this this is like literally a guy where he's like i'm so desperate to get to have a friend yeah yeah that he started he was like well i guess 12 year olds i kind of believe him that he wasn't going to do anything. But I don't think that was his choice. Yeah, that's bullshit, dude. He had such a cocky vibe when he walked in. He walked in like he was the fucking sheriff in town. He walked out.

He put his fucking hat on the table. He tried to hug her all aggressively. If they didn't show up. He pulled out his pocket knife and threw it in his cowboy hat. Yeah. He had all this confidence when he walked in. He walked in like fucking... I don't know, but I kind of feel like he's the kind of guy who doesn't fuck on the first date.

So if she tried to instigate sexual intercourse, he would have said, hey, let's take things a little bit slower. Maybe. I feel like he would have made out with the kid. Maybe. Yeah, I mean, this is not your typical... He's just so fucked up and sad it's just so pathetic this is not your typical pedophile this isn't even like yeah this is like this ain't your mama's pedophile he he he definitely seems like there's a lot more going on in the loser department oh yeah the pedophilia oh there's a new kid in town yeah step aside

make room for vincent ambrosia of types of people that exist can you look him up what happened to him oh no we're gonna look him up real quick and i think there's i think this goes on for like 30 minutes but obviously we can't watch it all but this video is over in a minute so let's see the uh okay he's talking to a woman who looks like hitler and crossed in a dress like i told the, my life's just a mess. I understand. You're dealing with some medical stuff and getting your medication balanced out correctly. I know you said bipolar.

Is it bipolar depression? Yeah, bipolar depression. Well, we've been communicating with this young girl. What did you think her name was? Janet. And how old did you think she was? Twelve, she said. Did she send you pictures too? Just confessing everything.

No lawyer, just saying like, yeah. See, I kind of believe it. I didn't want to do anything to her. You didn't want to do anything to her, or you knew you shouldn't have done anything to her. You were talking to her, I think this past Friday, saying... No, fuck. Oh, no, why did that end? This is a bad guy. He keeps coming.

Hold on. So this whole thing, though, is... Hold on, right here. I think... You're, like, is, hold on, right here. I think. You're, like, waiting to tell me. We haven't discussed it. It's like if Will from Will and Don got arrested.

See, like, this whole thing is 30 minutes of him talking to the lady. I know you said bipolar. Is it bipolar depression? Let me fast forward to here. And did you guys stay on a kick then? Did you ever go back to Whisper? No. When did... I mean, the name of the town sounds like it's made for pedophiles to coordinate.

It's called Whisper? Yeah. Oh, the app. The app. That's that app we were talking about. Right, okay. Well, you've been communicating with this young girl. What did you think her name was?

Jenna. Okay. And how old did you think she was? 12, she said. Okay. And what is your waist measurement, real quick? Your waist is 12 times 12. So tell me, how do you get into this kind of conversation?

Where you met her? Yeah, he goes, I've never seen... I didn't know jeans came in three measurements. Did you guys stay out of this for a while? Are those jeans patched together? Is that a home job? Yeah, it's a 48 times 48 times 12. You have to do long division.

There's variables in it. That's right. It has an X in it. You have to do Pythagorean's theorem. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever. You need to do a log chart. A bell curve.

By the way, why is there a roll of toilet paper right there? I was wondering the same thing. I mean, I think you know why. Regardless, this just goes on forever, but let's just see what happened to Vincent Ambrosia real quick. Yeah, look him up. Yeah. Because I looked him up the other day. It's like Vincent Ambrosia set record for killing self most times. Vincent Ambrosia real quick. Yeah, look him up.

It's like Vincent Ambrosia set record for killing self most times. Vincent Ambrosia, he's a member of Congress. So here it is. Does anyone know what happened to Vincent Ambrosia? On the fandom. Oh, new episodes of South Park. Nice. I already watched them all. They were really good, but they only made six this season.

But they were really good. Yeah, they're doing all those movies. Vincent Ambrosian was a predator caught in Fairfield, Connecticut. He's notable for having his respective episode of Hanson vs. Predator unreleased, likely due to fears regarding his mental health, likely due to network wanting to avoid another incident similar to that of Louis Con... I don't know what that guy is. So that guy obviously killed himself or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. I mean, I'll just click on the Louis guy guy real quick see if he killed himself oh my god he shot himself before the police could apprehend him i forgot about that guy like in the home yeah he shot himself and then they never released him what a baller that's pretty sick honestly good he got i mean honestly well he got away with it all uh yeah they confronted him at his home i guess and then he shot he killed himself hmm huh interesting why would he want to do that

he yeah they were just trying to take him to camp yeah he looks like pedophile andy warhol god bless whoever runs this website by the way so what's the aftermath yeah aftermath uh so he drove 65 miles from his home and Wappinger Falls, New York. That's what I'm saying. It's like the fattest town in the world. Wappinger. Wappinger Falls. Yeah.

Yeah, he went to fucking In-N-Out University. Well, I think that's the confrontation. I think there's an aftermath section after that. Well, I kind of wanted more details, but he made sexual comments oh he sent pictures of his penis so they got to see how small it was yeah who took those pictures of like a black hole they like have to recreate oh so at one point ambrosia pulls a knife from his pocket and tosses in his hat yeah it's hard to see but he does pull out a knife at one

point uh hansen half-heartedly claims defying the interview that he took no glee in the encounter ambrosia was arrested while begging the officers to shoot him and he was charged and convicted with attempt to entice a minor through a computer attempted second degree sexual assault of a minor and possession of child pornography okay so he was a pedophile well i think technically that possession can be the nudes that they sent him in the investigation probably so he might not be a pedophile 30 months of a 10 year he only served 30 months of a 10 year suspended prison sentence man the judge really had a like a big heart for him unless that's normal so hansen claimed that he last

heard vincent was living in a halfway house most likely for sex offender or child what is that like it's like a bunch of people in like a like a broken down shack like instead of doing heroin they're all just like looking at child porn like what the fuck is a halfway house it's cp it's cp rehab cp rehab they're going to AA meetings. Yeah. Drinking the coffee, sitting around in a circle. Yeah. They're going to Pedophiles Anonymous. Oh, he's a trucker in Texas.

Meaning he somewhat achieved what he always wanted to do. Interesting. Wow. So he's still on the sex offender registry, but he's living... He makes fucking 60K a year probably. He probably makes more money than us. I mean, let that be a lesson. No matter what you can do, you can still drive 18 tons of steel down the highway. Exactly.

There's not as many cops at road stops. Notable quotes. I don't have a job. I'm a fuck up. I just want to die. My life is miserable. He said, I want to be a cop. I wasn't going to do anything.

I'm fat. I can't do anything. Some great... Everything that's too... These couldn't be epitaphs. No, those are great quotes. Those are great quotes. Those are historical quotes. Put those on a t-shirt.

Apparently, he's the second pedophile, by the way, on that show to be wearing a cowboy hat. First was Billy Bush. Oh, man. Here's his mugshot here. He somehow looks worse without the hair. Oh, so is this him now? Oh, well. Looks like he's lost a little weight, actually.

Huh. Let me zoom in on this so people can see what he's done with himself. He doesn't look half bad. I bet he's getting some pussy now. You know, I think he's not. I don't mean kid don't mean kid i mean like well that's all he wants yeah exactly we don't know that again we don't know if he's a pedophile it's his fight he looks like the fuck like the fat kid in every judd apatow movie from like 2007 yeah he really he looks like uh rebel wilson someone drew him as peter griffin oh shit no one's safe do you think he's getting his ass beat in uh in prison i don't think he

made enough friends to get his ass beat i mean that, that's the thing. I think he got upset that nobody raped him in prison. Yeah, I would say that he's once again, he's looking at that like he feels bad that nobody raped him. Okay, so closing thoughts on this man. Because this episode, you know how at the end of certain episodes of TV it says dedicated to our

dear friend, whatever, someone who died? At the end of this episode it's going to fade out and it'll say dedicated to our dear friend. It says yeah, it says R.I.P. Vincent Ambrosia. I'm fat. What the fuck? In quotes.

I'm fat. I can't do anything. I'm fat. Oh God. Any parting thoughts before we uh end this episode about uh about dear vincent parting thoughts i mean i think we kind of said everything there was to say yeah i mean he's a as usual the summation of most lemon party episodes is he's a fat worthless retard well everybody i apologize for not doing an episode where we just talk about... The news.

The news. The fucking... Yeah, no. Putin and stuff like that. We could have got into a lot of things. We could have done a lot of stuff everyone does. But everyone's done. But we're...

Vincent Ambrosia, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, Vincent Ambrosia, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, Vincent Ambrosia! On SNL, Don Pardo. And Vincent Ambrosia! Convicted pedophile! The one thing you can take from this that's positive is, you know how Joseph Campbell said, follow your bliss? Sure. When he gave advice to his college college students like one piece of advice

follow your bliss you know go where the sun is shining sure vincent ambrosia is now driving and smoking cigars the two things he said he genuinely loves to do in life so i like driving i like cigars he's doing that he's a trucker in texas and he. Honestly, this country gives people a lot of chances. What was that? I don't know. The computer said something. The computer's like, stop recording. No, I believe in second chances.

Yeah. Yeah, this guy believes in second helpings. And second graders. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party. The live streams are on the $10 tier. All the backlogs for those. Lemon Party Clips channel every Wednesday at 7 p.m. Eastern

Standard Time is when we do the live live streams. So it's every Wednesday. Then after a day or two those go behind the paywall on Patreon. Devin Hatewatchpod. Jace Avery. Jace avery uh that's been the show folks and uh we love you we'll be back next week the train never stops and never stops never stops no no uh comedy never takes a holiday never takes a day off. Comedy. All right.

Bye, everybody. Bye. And now it's just fading out, and it says dedicated to our dear friend Vincent Ambrose. Can you play, like, Amazing Grace on bagpipes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank you.