lemonparty - 029: John Travolta's Gym Adventures

Episode Date: May 16, 2023

join: patreon.com/lemonparty www.displate.com/lemonparty use code lemon https://www.magicmind.com/lemon use code lemon www.manscaped.com promo code lemonparty for 20% off ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's friend, every time I talk You say you're a pretty woman, but you can't get to where I tell you what's wrong I'm never too hard on you, to tell a thing You may look at me in that way Am I getting a weird ringing noise? Yeah, it's like an echo. It's like I have tinnitus or something. noise yeah there's like it's like a echo or it doesn't sound like i have tinnitus or something oh i guess i think it's because it's up to your laptop is it hold on oh check one one two yeah they went away but it still sounds i still sound yeah that's fucking electromagnetic uh i'm like chuck mcgill over here yeah look at that

oh shit i don't know if the camera's rolling yet. Let me go see. This is still the episode though. Hello? Oh, now I sound good. It takes a while to warm up to my bullshit. There's a bunch of comments that are like, there's no video.

There's no video. Yeah, just put Vincent Ambrosia on the main screen again before the video starts. Yeah. Make sure they can see that I'm drinking Katie's Rosé. Hold on. Yeah, Devin's going all fancy mode. I'm like in eat, pray, love right now.

I'm like getting my life together. Okay, now it's rolling. Yeah. Devin's drinking Rosé. He might meet you, one of us, pretty soon. I might go down to Pier 1 Imports and give them a piece of my mind. I might buy a vase that costs $900 and get really upset at you if you don't understand why

I'm getting it. I might buy one of those big jars full of pickled peppers that no one ever uses and they just sit on your counter. I might buy a bunch of rocks that look like glass that you put in a bigger glass thing. And it costs $500. This is what I was doing.

Yeah, that sucks. Don't do that. It's annoying. This is what I was doing. Yeah, that sucks. Don't do that. Yeah, it's annoying. It's not doing it anymore. Damn, dude, you broke my Chromebook. Oh, yeah, it went away. We figured it out. You broke my Chromebook, dude.

The electro. That cost me $35. Buying a Chromebook, it feels like you're buying something from a prison commissary. Like, you should buy a Chromebook with cigarettes. And 15 years ago, you'd be amazing for having that. I bought the Chromebook because my laptop fucking crapped out. And then it cost me $85. And then I was all pissed that it was shitty when I got it.

Yeah, you're like, what the fuck? This thing sucks. I can't even, like, the porn's all fucking shitty on it. Can't even jack off right there we go thank you Benjamin can't have you going all alpha no I mean I got a big trans kid rant

coming up no that's because I handed you the slightly louder mic by three decibels and that's why you went off felt a little piercing but when you buy a chromebook it should just come with a pack of gum or something yeah like a pack of gum and like some uh lucys if you get a chromebook they should give you it should have bus tickets inside it should

come with like a harmonica and some old playboys some gum yeah chromebook you should be opening like near a campfire under a bridge while you're cooking beans in a can. That's a Chromebook for you. Yeah. And it looks like something you'd be hacking into the Pentagon with in 1987. No, exactly. It's such a great technology that we don't give a shit at all about

because, I don't know, you can't play Counter-Strike on it. See, but when you open this thing, it just starts blaring porn immediately. Yeah, don't play Counter-Strike on it. See, but when you open this thing, doesn't it just start blaring porn immediately? Yeah, don't play all my... Yeah. It starts... Oh, this is a gay porn!

Oh, it's a gay Japanese pornography! That's what they say the whole time. But I always hate it when you... Sorry, go ahead. No, no, go ahead, Jace. Go ahead. When you pull up the porn for the first time that day, you get on your laptop,

but you forget to turn the volume down. Yeah. But it'll be the ad before the porn. You immediately hear like, hey, baby, are you jerking off alone again? That's so sad. Do your neighbors hear me right now, you fucking retarded idiot retard?

It'll be like, do you have a small little cock you're jerking off? You little pussy boy. Oh my God. Stop jacking off at home and come to Camp Soda. Is this Chase Avery with the little cock at VPN number 11501? Oh, is that little bitch boy Chase Avery? Social security number 61515 42998?

That was way too close. That really freaked me out. Really? Wow. Oh my god. I've been siphoning money from you for years. I've been using your name on my taxes. Oh, that's kind of close to mine too. I think I said it because it's kind of close to mine as well.

Maybe because we were all born in the same year. Fill in the blanks, criminals at home. Yeah, we're going to have Fed Smoker 69 stolen all of our identities. What was I going to say about this damn thing? The Chromebook? Oh yeah, just opening this damn thing.

It feels like you're opening a sandwich. There's no... It's just going to come apart at any any moment it should come in a wrapper like every time you open it should be like you're getting a mcchicken right you should charge it by plugging it into like one of those duracell battery renewer things yeah your mom used to have yeah yeah oh yeah yeah those things you get and you get the renewable batteries and then it never pans out as a thing you actually follow through with. Yeah, it's the ultimate dad thing of like,

would you like to pay $35 to charge your fucking shitty old batteries? Yeah. Instead of going to the store like one goddamn time in your life. But also no one... Have you ever been at someone's house and they have a pack of batteries charging in a wall outlet? Yeah. I've never seen that in my...

Oh, you have? Back in the day. I mean, like photographers and shit always do that because photographers have to keep up the illusion that they do outlet. Yeah. I've never seen that in my... Oh, you have? Back in the day. I mean, like, photographers and shit always do that. Because photographers have to keep up the illusion that they do anything, right? Sure, sure. That it's not all the camera. Yeah, they have to bring, like, a sniper case

to whatever they're going to. They always have to... It's always about, like, the look. Like, I know I'm screwing things in, and then I just kind of press a button, and then I look like I made that picture right because there's only like three things and it's like iso and then like aperture and it's just opening and closing an eye basically like how much light you want to let in and then how sensitive

the sensor is on the inside that's all that's pretty much all you're doing yeah photographers should have to build the camera first and then get credit for it. I don't like people that get credit for the thing that a genius had to make that helps them. I'd only give a photographer credit if they were standing behind the black curtain and then there was gunpowder that they were lighting on fire. Yeah, exactly. It exploded. You better be taking a picture of fucking Jesse James. That's a great photographer. Yeah, running away from the police.

Because there was fear in that picture. You're taking a picture of a murderer and you have to break a giant window just to take the picture. And he's miserable in it. Every guy in those days taking every picture with their whole family and they love them so much and they're just like this. Stone face staring at the camera. Right.

Now I want you to think about murdering your family later in your small little farm community. They're just all pissed off because they think the photographer is a Jew getting married. I think if you gave them sugar, like if you went back to 1820 and gave them a can of Coke, they would smile, right? They just have no serotonin or dopamine or whatever. They would drink

and they'd be like, where's the heroin? That is true. They'd be like, where's the heroin? That is true. They'd be like, where's the cocaine? They had pop. Cowboys could come into town and get a pop or they could go to a general store and get the guy got a chocolate bar from

Belgium. Once again, I'm revealing myself as a huge retard. They got fucked up all the time they had alcohol they also were drunk what a life yeah they had absinthe you could do that they had stronger shit than we have now

they could drink probably they could do a whole case race and just get right back on their horse and go home that's the joke of like if you gave a medieval like child a Baja blast like his head would explode but it was like he was drinking like heroin out of a well right yeah yeah he they were making uh like uh like fentanyl and stuff and just injecting it yeah well that was like back in the in the middle ages you couldn't

drink water because it's all just like their water was full of shit and like piss and so they all drank like kids drank beer so you'd wake up in the morning you like crack your kid like a fucking budweiser and just hand it to them and then you just like down and then go to school to get beat or whatever they did back then what was school back then uh just i imagine like uh metal tins at lunch like metal tins with the turds on them. Teachers just telling you how to beg for porridge. It's the class of the day. Period one, pickpocketing. Period two, getting your skull

beaten in by the cops. Period three, begging. And then period four, getting molested by the king. Yep. You knew there was a couple like really pimping out their kids just hoping they'd get a pedophile king to notice them yeah you know yeah it'd be like those like uh in in uh mrs universe when they have like that one hot lady and they're just random village in like columbia and they're like we're gonna get you out of this

tin shack yeah yeah you're gonna get fucked by the guys from taken we're gonna take you to america you're gonna get fucked your pussy was your one shot back then huh yeah that was your one ticket to see if it would yeah but everyone's you know everyone had it was probably so dirty down there nobody cleaned their twat these ladies back then their pussy was like probably bacon bread probably loaves of bread coming out of those women's pussies. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. Have you seen what chastity belts looked like back then? No.

I looked it up the other day. It's been making me laugh so hard ever since I discovered it. You want to see it? Yeah, what do they look like? Dude, I didn't think it was a real thing. I thought it was like some E-bombs world prank. Hold on. Medieval. Well, I've seen like the cock cages that like bdsm guys do now it's like a cage cage yeah this is like

modern times like they put your tiny little white cock in a cage so it can't if it gets hard it'll just snap in half oh and then your wife like fucks a big black guy in front of you that's typically how it goes yeah yeah i think it's on the Wikipedia. Oh, yeah, this one. This is the one, the Venetian one. So, dude, literally, that one thing is on your asshole? Shit. Fuck.

Yeah, it covers your ass and your pussy. So, when you take a shit, it comes out like a star? Oh, my God. Like those Play-Doh things. You have to take like a mortal combat shit finish him it's like a turd getting stabbed oh yeah it sucked that you have to shit through that and that's for a pussy yeah so that's for the pussy and that's for the asshole like you're trying to leave a parking lot without paying. It just rips your cock.

Yeah. If you fucked back, then we're going to put a boot on your pussy. You have to go downtown and get it taken off. Wait, are we looking at it wrong? Is that for the pussy? Because that's the penis kick. No, that's got to be for the poop shoes.

But this is like an ass crack, but it's in the shape of a vagina. Yeah, but that's what a pussy is shaped like. That's got to be the pussy and it's to prevent like if you fuck me, your cock will be like deflated and ripped to shreds coming out do you think there's some guys that just like said yolo and risked it all yeah probably still suck it in i bet there's one guy if you look at the design there's like spikes coming in on the outside of the pussy if you're wearing it i bet there was like one macgyver guy who stuck his dick in soft

let it get hard and then just like made himself came through just yeah yeah yeah like what is it called the mormons did like soaking yeah they just don't move what is that where it's like a wick i think they just keep the dick in the pussy and don't move and if they don't move it's not sad yeah so the ferments it just yeah you just kind of make like a kombucha cum you make a scoby yeah no what they do it like like their colleges like byu another component of soaking is you get on the top bunk you soak so you dock your penis and then you just lay on the woman flat you know like you're doing like you're planking yeah and then somebody gets on the bunk underneath you and they put their feet up and they kick the mattress underneath you so they're kicking makes you makes the dick go in and out of the pussy oh

yeah they have to have all these loopholes so you're because you can't actually thrust yeah so it's like you're not thrusting you just you're sticking your dick in and then you know it's like being on an ocean cruise liner and the the ocean is making you fuck the person yeah i have the hardest time contemplating that at all you know it's like jews on the sabbath where they're like i can't turn the oven on but i can you know pay somebody to go right right right do the exact same thing for me yeah but you're doing that with like coming so you're so you have your buddy on the bottom bunk like a kangaroo on its back just sort of

like a fucking just going to town where your ass is like one of those Chinese ladies on America's Got Town like spinning chairs on her feet you have your mom come in your mom comes in and pushes you like you're on a swing set and you go higher

higher mom but I'm not fucking you it's her yeah god man pathetic everyone should just do whatever they want at any time yeah mormons are really weird about i've been reading that's a cock cage right there that's a cock cage yeah yeah yeah that's your classic cock that's a guy that's a peanut okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's your classic cock cage. That's a cock cage. That's a peanut. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Are these allowed on YouTube? I don't know. I really don't know. You might have to blur.

Yeah. Maybe. Good advice. Don't Google cock cage and just randomly go through images. Dude, I'm literally on a government website. There's a lot of stuff on Wikipedia that's got like cocks on it. Of course the government came up with cock cages. This is the Reagan administration.

We're going to flood the hood with cock cages. First up, we got them on cocaine, so they're docile. Second, we get those big cocks. Nancy's going to suck them. We got to get them caged. That was the whole point of the prison industrial complex, is to get black cocks behind bars. Get black cocks behind bars, but they're like,

God, they're attached to the body. Cock. Yeah, ask Henry Kissinger if we can remove the black dicks and put those behind bars. Nancy Reagan just has Mr. T's cock in like a big cage. Yeah, she breaks into the warehouse

where they're keeping all the black cocks and just sucks them. It's like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Like Sunflower Seas. Yeah, she's just picking them out. Yeah, sucks them like it's like willy wonka's chocolate factory like sunflower seeds yeah sucking them like they're like like oysters just and then just throwing them yeah treating them like crawfish put them on a cracker and just wearing a bib wearing a wearing a dare bib she has a lobster bib but it just has a black cock across the front of it. Just dip it in

and cum like it's butter. Say no to drugs. Say no to AIDS drugs, specifically, kids. Exactly. I'm looking at the patent, the US patent for a cock cage. Jonas E. Heiser in 1911.

That would have been way cooler if it was Jonas Salk. He's like, I've done a bunch of things. And people keep being like, dude, polio. He's like, I'm more of a fan of the cock cage. He's like an artist who resents his big hit song. He's like, no, but the cock cage is where it's at. Yeah, enough of that radio shit. The polio vaccine, Who gives a shit?

I thought they looked funny when they walked. He's all annoyed he invented the cure for polio because he was like getting he was like laughing his ass off and everyone fucking falling over. Have you seen a kid

in an iron lung? It's hilarious. They get blown all over the fucking place. They're not big enough for it. Their legs die. It's fucking hilarious hilarious the iron lung itself was very funny they're like we have no cure but we can put you in a giant steel lung yeah

that i think just like crushes and expands your body yeah it kills you right it doesn't really does an iron lung keep you actually alive for that long is that what you look like in an iron lung yeah it's a big tube that you lay in oh hell yeah yeah and you just are supposed to like have people come into the room and just talk to you about life is that guy a dallas attorney it's a yes it's dallas attorney 72 who survived polio lives in iron that's larry hackman dude can you imagine you're pulling up that's your public defender yeah you're just like a black teenager you're like I want my lawyer they wheel this guy in and set his head on a little desk pillow

he's drinking out of a straw so this thing he uses to change the channel he grabs the tube with his mouth and then I think he yeah he tries to write with it yeah he grabs the tube and tries to push the trigger of a gun. Yeah.

Aim directly at his head. So when you're in an iron lung you're you basically live in an egg and you've just had you've barely hatched your head is just out of it and you're stuck in an egg for the rest of your life. Yeah it's an incubator for Dallas attorneys like this man.

This fucking Chuck McGill guy yeah yeah man that sucks what's the point of life if you're in that thing if you live in an egg it's like bubble boy i think it'd be cool to be an egg i mean like also like the amount of people who have to like fuck with you you know okay now i'm kind of into it because Because look. Feeding them? Yeah, you got to have a bitch. First of all. An old, yeah. You know she hasn't been getting any. Because his dick is inside this thing.

She probably gets on the fucking tube and rides that shit. She like fucks the tube. Dude, that rules. He shouldn't be doing carbs. He can't get any exercise. He should be doing strictly keto. She'd be doing strictly keto. Yeah. He should be doing proteins only.

Yeah, yeah. There is part of me where there's always, like, that story where it's like, here's the fucking human body pillow guy with no arms or legs. And then, like, here's this beautiful bride. And it's like... Who's staying with these people? Yeah, you're like... There is kind of part of me that's like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, I mean, like, that lady's insane.

Like, was he that charming? He lives inside of a submarine. His body is kept preserved in a weird submarine. He looks like he's about to get shot out like a torpedo. You might as well just marry a human head. Look at that. He looks like a deranged pool toy. Do you think she sets her pussy on top of him?

She probably lets him. She sits on his face and he hates it. But it's the only spark that they have left. He can't even get out of the house. He can't get away from her. She's still asking him to build a bookshelf.

She's pissed off. She's like, it's been in the box for like two months. They'll do it no matter how long. My grandfather had emphysema. He was he had an oxygen tank. He could barely walk five steps without gasping for air, needing to sit down. And my grandma made him like fix

the TV contrast one time and he was like on his knees with his like with his inhaler. And he's like, he's like, honey, I I'm trying and she's just screaming at him god I know to the grave to the grave to the grave never I remember I watched him get like a massive fight with her one time and I'm like he can't walk like what's your problem I know I think that's when they double down because they know you can't escape yeah yeah I mean like get like play a round of golf or something.

So what's happening in there? What's going on? So I think it's a pressurized tube. Is he just jacking off the whole time? There's actually a smaller guy in there who's sucking him off. It's actually just a giant flashlight. Yeah. He's inside a giant pussy.

Dude, that would rule to be a little tiny and like crawl inside a big pussy. Crawl inside a big pussy? I know, God. Be like a fucking wet, you know, fucking sleeping bag. That would be, that's probably the pinnacle of life.

I bet you, I will say in terms of cons of living in an iron lung, I bet plenty of doctors have molested this chap. How do you molest? What are you like? Fuck his nostrils? Like his head. You just rub your cock over his face.

Yeah. What are you going to do about it, bitch? You drag your balls across his head. Yeah. They don't even molest him. They're like, this is kind of gay, but I'm going to stick my cock on your head. This does look like a machine designed by a Jamaican nurse that just wanted to fucking brutalize her patient.

Put him in the torture machine. Put him in the torture machine, man. Holy shit. White bitch. Alright, I just got called down to beat the shit out of an Alzheimer's patient. Oh, look, if it isn't Ed Dazner. Oh, you're stuck in your little machine, man. Well, I'm gonna beat you to

death with my titties. I'm gonna I'm going to beat you to death with my titties. I'm going to put on Up and beat you to death. I might put on some Gurt Link and beat you to death with my titties, man. You fucking racist old white fuck. My family hired me to whip you with my hair. Look at him with his fucking straws. He's fucking logged in. Look, he's fucking logged in he's posting the gamer words he's listening to lemon party right now can't they flip him over so we could see the tv not from upside down

i know that is pretty cruel yeah it's like a like if General Patton was a bat. I will say if I had severe body dysmorphia, I would love to live in an iron lung. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just imagine them taking him to the beach, just pushing him into the water with their foot. When I was a kid, remember that movie Bubble Boy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I used to kind of be like, man, I wish I was living in a bubble. Now people are too fat for the bubble. yeah yeah i used to kind of be like man i wish i was like living in a bubble now they can't now

people are too fat for the bubble no now they people have made themselves into bubble boy now now the fda has been like we're just gonna we'll put we'll put bubble boy ingredients in the food he'll turn all of you right so he can bounce down the road and land in a big train yeah yeah you all live in a prison of your own making. You're going to try and buy a ticket from Zach Galifianakis and get hit by a car and bounce down the road. Your body is technically a Rikers Island.

That's not a real thing, though, living in a bubble. No, it's a real thing. I think it is. There's some weird people doing it somewhere. Really? Pretty much everything you think couldn't happen is somewhat happening somewhere. Someone's trying.

You can't make up a new disease, really. Yeah. Even if you're like, a guy turns into a tree. It's like India's got like 18 of those guys. And then there's also people that can just be so dead set in having an ailment that is not diagnosable, but they've come up with their own diagnosis that like

doctors and shit will just be like, I guess you you have that yeah like you know there's my like it like in better call saw like like his brother who's like allergic to electricity or whatever you know like my dad said he like like i think i've said before he said he knows the guy that invented iphones he met him right and the guy like campy around electricity he like lives in a holiday inn like in like palmdale like away from like electrical wires or whatever i'm like that guy's just like a neurotic asshole that's fucking making everyone pretend he has a real disease that is not in any doctor like no one would ever diagnose this yeah i saw i saw the outlandish things i saw a lady going by her on tiktok she was like a she just looked like a real estate agent in her mid-50s and she's posting on her phone she's like

i went over to a friend's house they refused to turn the wi-fi off even though i have i have like fake electronic this i think she called it fake electronic even though i have this fake disease i pretend to have because i was molested so many times. Right. And she's filming herself on her phone. Yeah. Yeah, right. Oh, right.

She can't hold the battery. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen Better Call Saul. Yeah, you get it. Yeah. You're up to that episode. I am. Chicanery.

Season four. Hey, guys. If you know me, I've been trying to find a way to keep my energy level steady throughout the day, and coffee on its own just wasn't cutting it. Thankfully, I found this little shot. I've started using Magic Mine, and it became my best friend. It helps me so much getting through the day with, like, that 2 p.m. groggy feeling that you get.

Yes. It helps you, like, burst right through that. Yep, that midday. So instead of reaching for, like, a second or third or fourth cup of coffee to keep my energy levels now i just take this little shot every morning alongside my first cup of coffee and i'm good for to go for the rest of the day it allows me to drink less coffee reduces my need for additional caffeine by extending the benefits of caffeine and by making my less caffeine do more and less last longer. It makes me more productive and more focused. I get more done in less time thanks to the nootropics inside that

improve attention, concentration, and cognition. It also allows me to sleep better. It's not heavy on caffeine, so you can take it in the afternoon without worrying about not being able to fall asleep at night. So you can avoid that cup of coffee at 5 p.m. that keeps you up and triggers this whole cycle. It also has ashwagandha root in it, which is an adaptogen that reduces stress and anxiety. Seeing how well it works for me, I would really encourage you to try it out as well

if you're having trouble not being at 100% some days. It's a total game changer. So I totally recommend you go check them out at magicmind.com slash lemon and join a community of go-getters. You can also use my discount code lemon to get up to 56% off your first subscription or 20% off your first one-time purchase. My 56% off code only lasts 10 days. So hurry up. Display is a one-of-a-kind metal poster designed to capture your unique passions. Display created a 21st century canvas that's sturdy,

magnet-mounted, and durable enough to withstand a lifetime of intense staring. But staring is only half the fun. You can customize, collect, and rearrange them at will. Displate has both branded and artistic work. They have over one million designs available for everyone, including official designs

from brands like Marvel, DC, Star Wars, Netflix, and NASA, plenty of games and movies. If you like something, they most likely have the design for it. I've been on his website. They got almost everything you can think of. Devin, in fact, that South Park

poster right there? Oh, yeah. You should hold that up for the folks at home. Yay! Isn't that epic? Isn't that an epic win? As long as you don't do the voice, retard. See, this play is about Brandon branded an artistic artwork. Don't do the voice.

It's cringe. Is this cringe? Ben, you're being very cringe right now. You do the voice. It's cringe. All right. The sponsors keep emailing and saying, Ben is cringe for doing the South Park. They're pulling all advertisements because I'm too cringe.

The sponsors think you're cringe. So just so you know. Okay. Fine. You're cringe. Oh, so the ones I like were the South Park ones a lot. And I also got a Lord of the Rings one that was very sick. And I also got one for Katie of that little bunny that's cute holding the chick.

And it says different is beautiful. Yeah, it's like for like a gay teenager's like room that you got. It's for a 14-year-old yes yeah exactly uh each product is a high quality design printed on metal in europe and hand signed by their master of production this plate created a unique easy safe magnet mounting system that only takes 20 seconds no need for drilling your walls all you need to do is wipe your wall with a cleaning wipe, stick a protective leaf, place a magnet, and put the display on your wall.

It's that easy. Display delivers its products worldwide in only four to five business days. It's a perfect alternative for standard paper posters that often get damaged and doesn't leave marks on the wall. They're also eco-friendly. For every design sold, they are planting one tree.

That's awesome. Use the link in the description or go to display.com slash lemon party and use code lemon at checkout to get 20 off for one to two displays or 30 off for three and more displays 30 that's that's a heck that's a lot of's a lot of money. You put a period before it and times it by something, and that's a lot. That's a lot of money. Imagine that. I do 20% tip at places, and I'm always really annoyed at what I have to give to the piece of shit that served me. But 30%, that's so much more, and I'd be even more annoyed. And you get it off.

But this is for a good thing. I'm not tipping a server. It's like you're tipping yourself. Exactly. This isn't some CPK waiter. Well, display. Collect your passions. Yo, bleep it up!

What is that? I don't know. Summer's coming. Are you ready to unveil your beach bod? Manscaped is here to ensure your body is ready for the wild with their game changing full body grooming and hygiene products don't be the guy at the beach with austin powers chest hair and if you grew some winter man tits the least you can do is make sure they're hairless it's time to get ready for hot guy summer by going to manscaped.com for 20% off plus free shipping with code lemon party

uh manscaped is dedicated to helping you increase your confidence and level up your full body grooming game with the performance package 4.0 the kit comes with the essential lawnmower 4.0 waterproof cordless body trimmer and a ton of other liquid formulations to round out your grooming routine i i personally use the lawnmower it really kicks ass love that little guy but whether you're trimming your chest or the treasure chest in your pants this is the best trimmer on the market their trimmer features a ceramic blade designed to cut hair on loose skin and to reduce grooming accidents thanks to advanced skin-safe technology. You can even trim an arrow pointing to the promised land if you're bold enough. Inside the performance package, you'll also find the Manscaped Crop Preserver, Ball Deodorant, and Cop Reviver Ball Toner.

Those are great. I've used them. They're good. Very good. Yeah, I've used them on my dick and ass. good. Yeah, I've used them on my dick and ass. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've used them on my pussy.

An anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer because we know how painful chafing can be when you're wearing your bangs all day. Especially when you're fat as shit. Yeah, which I am. No One Likes Nose Hair, so their package also comes with the Weed Wagger 2.0. Those are great. Use those, too. Yeah.

You can also get two free gifts, the Shed Travel Bag, which is a $39 value, man, and the patented high-performance reduced chafing Manscaped boxers. If you're wearing sandals, you need to get the Manscaped Shears 2.0 nail kit. Folks, they have it all. Go get all your grooming needs settled. Having the right tools for grooming is essential. Do yourself a favor and always use the right tools for the job. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code lemon party at manscaped.com.

That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code lemon party at manscaped.com. Trim your chesticles with the besticles. By the way, there was one boy who lived in a bubble in like the 70s really but other than that i have not shown anything john people live john travolta played him in a movie that was john travolta's first big movie it was called like the boy in the bubble really yeah and he was like in the bubble he's like i can't i can't fuck the girl i like oh fuck i'm gay i'm secretly gay it's kind of crazy John Travolta got his kid killed Because he just wouldn't give him an Advil I know his son like

Jet airplane Yeah his son was like literally dying And they could have saved him if they gave him any medicine But they're signed They believe in aliens or whatever Man this movie must really suck dick He's like yo you guys Disco night in the bubble

Come on I'm in a bubble i can't sneak down to la fitness and suck off guys oh come on guys do you remember that that went viral like maybe five years ago where it was like john travolta meets a lucky fan and it was like the story it was like in fucking the today show it was like a local man was working out at the la fitness at 4 a.m. in the morning. And who would happen to walk up and strike a conversation but John Travolta. John Travolta, the reason that L.A. has no cruising signs. The reason they took the shower curtains off of the restrooms at L.A. Fitness.

Yeah, they changed like zoning laws in gyms. Because John Travolta was so gay. There's a bunch of deleted scenes from Grease of him just getting massages. I'm literally typing in John Travolta, gym gay and nothing is coming up. Oh, they've wiped. I mean, his team has done a great job with him,

but he's gay as hell. Yeah. And he won't take it anymore. He's gay as hell and he won't take it anymore. I'm gay as hell and I won't take it anymore. I'm sucking everyone's cock at the network. Oh,

here we go. Do me a favor, go to your window, stick your ass out and let me fuck it. Succession, but it's all about being gay. You have to be a sucker.

You have to suck. Yeah. Okay, well, maybe. I don't, he goes, you don't suck balls. You don't suck. Yeah, okay, well, maybe... He goes, you don't suck balls. You don't tickle the balls while you suck the shaft. You don't actually suck on the balls.

It hurts. Women think we like it. We don't. It hurts a lot. You're unserious cum guzzlers. Well, okay, maybe I'm just soft right now, but if you suck it for a little bit Shiv's like dad's just like been sucking cock his whole life

like who gives a shit yeah there was suck session hell yeah Ben yeah with Brian Cox fuck yeah Brian sucks Cox right sweet what about if it was Logan Boy Cox. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Brian sucks Cox. Woo. Woo.

Right? Sweet. What about if it was Logan Boy? That's so fucking sick dude.

Because he's a pedophile. Fuck yeah dude. Donate to the Patreon folks. Yeah us in five years. What if it's

like fucking fucking Logan Gay. Fucking. What is this? This website is consumed by ants. I know. This is every website now, though.

Is this actually what I think it is? Who are these retards? Oh, yeah. This is the photo, yeah. I think this is it. Is this him meeting people in prison? We've all had our celebrity sightings, but how many can say that it was the celebrity

that actually wanted to chat us up? Not very many. That's what reportedly happened to one fan working out at a Planet Fitness in Florida at 3 a.m. John Travolta said you have a coach for this unidentified man. Wait, pause it.

Strike up a friendly conversation. Planet Fitness also? Yeah. Planet Fitness is where homeless people go to like shower and stuff. That's where the bottom of the barrel. For truckers. That's where, we know a ton of comics

that used to like do road dates and they would just get a Planet Fitness membership, and they would live there. Yeah. Half of the people at Planet Fitness are there for their own survival. It's people who have a whole scheme based around surviving. Yeah. If you have a Planet Fitness membership, it's for the shelter.

Yeah. It's for people who are like, I'm a hustler, but for my teeth not falling out because i need a place to brush yeah i mean like even like if you tried to like have gay sex in a planet fitness the homeless people would start yelling at you yeah i mean this is so funny this guy also looks kind of like an m it's like i i love the idea like john travolta like just keeps visiting prisons and his whole team is like what he says the prisons i don't know yeah like he's like johnny cash yeah he just keeps getting fucked in the showers he's like i'll shower with them i'm a man of the people yeah i gotta do we're doing um face off too so i gotta spend a year in

prison he's like you guys i just i met a guy he has a squirrel he's really cool there's an old guy owns a bird he feeds he fucks me in the ass. Yeah, it rules. He's got to talk this guy into it. He's like, you got to come out to my car. He talks really quietly. Yeah, come out to my car. I got the bubble from 1976.

I still got the bubble. I get in the bubble. No questions asked. I still got the bubble. I'll put the money in cash on the dash. I'm going to get in. I'm going to get in the bubble. And you just do your thing, man. All over the bubble, cash on the dash. I'm going to get in the bubble and you just do your thing, man. All over the bubble, man.

He's like, you know what they call gay sex in Holland? He's like, nah. No. Strike me up a friendly conversation. By the way, you think he's yacked out at 3 a.m.? He's desperate. He's desperate and horny.

He's on poppers. He doesn't strike me as the guy who takes coke with that blank face. He's on poppers. Yeah, he looks like he has keyboard cleaner or something. Yeah, there's just shit falling out of him. Sure. Everything is relaxed. Sure.

When he's at the Planet Fitness at 3 a.m. His ass looks like the tube. He's at a Planet Fitness in Albuquerque. Yeah, it's like a water slide. Yeah, it's like a water slide. Yeah, it's like Slitterbond. Yeah. Little families are going up inside of his ass, getting shot around a loop to loop.

Yeah, he calls his asshole Raging Waters. Yeah, it's a fucking splash mountain. There's little black bears and rabbits inside his ass. It looks like Saga the South. There's a little rabbit going like, well, it looks like we're in John Travolta's ass again. You just going by on a shit intertube?

Ladies and folks, why ain't there never been such a gay ass in my life? I'm going to see what happens after this. The Hairspray star, known for his hairspray. We're going with the hairspray? That's how we're going to the hairspray that's how we're gonna talk about okay we got the clip of it uh he's been known for his friendly encounters uh he

chatted up an engaged couple in a bar he showed up at their wedding the next day so just a guy maybe had a heck of an experience with jonathan bolton i forgot he was in hairspray i didn't know he was a real fan a Walt Disney World thrill film? Fuck you! I hate these websites now. I do love the idea of imagining you trying to get pussy at 3 a.m. and then it ends up on the news. Yeah. Like you texting a girl

who lives an hour and a half away and then you drive there and then all of a sudden you're on ABC Monday morning. Yeah, the next morning it's on Good Morning America. Yeah, it's like Jace Avery drove to Ventura County to try and get pussy

and did not. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. He's cruising. He's cruising all around LA. He's cruising. He's cruising for a brosom. No, Reddit blew this story wide open. Oh, yeah. More stories of John Travolta meeting late night

gym goers emerge on Reddit. Oh, yeah. More stories of John Travolta meeting late night gym goers emerge on Reddit. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, Johnny. Yeah, and the LA gyms are notorious for... They're brothels. Yeah. Why does he keep taking pictures with them? I know, that's the thing.

Some guys... So this guy on Reddit said, I thought I was at the gym by myself at 3 a.m. Then this guy comes up to me and thought i was at the gym by myself at 3 a.m then this guy comes up to me and introduces himself including the photo attached of him with the grease star he says uh reddit yeah so apparently he comes up to a lot of people like three in the morning at gyms yeah someone says happened to me too a while back. Super nice guy. Huh. Then things took a turn. What turn?

What turn did it take? Wait, where? The second when you're over. Then things took a turn. The next Reddit user to come forward, user Michelangelo, wrote of an alleged encounter that proved to be quite steamy, though he did not include a photo to verify his claim. I want to know. Let me scroll past these ads of someone who looks like Kim Kardashian, who's Mexican.

It was a warm summer night in the year 2000. Although the 24 fitness sport in Santa Monica is certainly the busiest gym I've ever seen, it was normally as empty as the streets at 3 a.m. Santa Monica at 3 a.m. is dead quiet. On this particular night however I wasn't alone uh he claimed Travolta followed him around the gym as he worked out man he is really John Travolta's for the streets I know well it's funny as he's he has like every gym membership apparently yeah planet fitness he's at 24 hour fitness he hits them all

night like they're brothels. He hits each one. He hits 24, Planet, he hits Equinox. Yeah, imagine him trying to cancel Planet Fitness because he's just not getting laid there. But he doesn't realize you have to take the letter in person to cancel. He's so pissed off about his $10. Has to fly his shitty plane that his son died on to Florida and go in and be like,

here, I'm canceling because I didn't get any dick at these gyms. You know what's even more sad is if he's not a gay guy and he's in fact just a regular guy and he's really lonely and at three in the

morning he just realizes he has no real friends in his life because he's so famous and has so much money everybody's friends with him to just get something from him and he feels really alone and that would be worse so he goes to see if someone will go hey aren't you john travolta or maybe he wants to see if people don't recognize him and don't know who he is it's like when chapelle went to africa because he said no one knew who he was when he was there yeah travolta's trying to find someone who doesn't know who he is. It's like when Chappelle went to Africa because he said no one knew who he was when he was there. Travolta's trying to find someone who doesn't know who he is so he can make a dear

friend. They can go to swingers together and talk about some screenplay this guy's trying to sell. Unfortunately, that's not the case. He's gay as hell. He's been hiding it for his whole life. I'm completely wrong here.

I mean, the massage therapy, like all those accounts, like there's so many. Oh, yeah, he kept trying to get jerked off at massage places. He's constantly, always hiring male masseurs. But he's never getting jerked off.

No. He's always failing. I mean, he can't even give his kid Advil when he's dying, so, you know, he doesn't go through with a lot. God, how pathetic are you that you're uh

an in-shape gay guy in la and you can't get gay pussy you can't get laid yeah not not getting dick as a gay guy seems almost impossible you know how do you not like i'm not gay i've almost like had gay guys fuck me i'm not even kidding i was you remember we were at dude you remember we were at swingers dude yeah fucking crazy we were at swingers which is not a gay sex place it's a diner it's a diner at like maybe 2 a.m packed yeah packed yeah we were there like 12 we were there like midnight and I walk to the it's like one of those big single occupancy bathrooms and I walk in there's a guy who comes like he looks like fucking an Armenian wolf man like he's like 50 and yeah looks like one of those guys from mexico with the hair all over his bodies and he like i

open the door and he's just standing in front of the door looking at me i go oh sorry and then like i let the door close on him and then eventually like minutes later he comes out and he goes out the door like holds it open for me and i go in and then he follows me into the fucking bathroom like closes the door and like looks and we're just facing each other in a single and i'm just like i'm like dude get the fuck out of here and like i push him uh-huh just because i i don't know he's like oh i like it rough let's do that again yeah i push i go what the fuck and then he comes immediately he's like all right i got what i want he's like, all right, I got what I want. He's like, I got it. And then he throws two 20s at me. Do you remember

there was a guy in a booth in a gimp outfit? Like the Pulp Fiction gimp outfit. Yeah. It's West Hollywood, so it wasn't that crazy.

I was wondering, where the fuck were you guys? Now you're like, we're the gayest part of America. It was probably the mayor of West Hollywood. Yeah.

The mayor of West Hollywood is a guy in a suit with a full gimp outfit under the suit. Yeah. Dude, it literally could have just been Joe Buck. Probably. Was that his name, Joe Buck? The mayor of West Hollywood is a guy in a suit With a full gimp outfit under the suit Yeah Dude it literally could have just been Joe Buck Probably Was that his name Joe Buck?

Ed Buck Joe Buck does a play by play for Fox Right He's just like to the balls To the dick And he's dead To the shaft he's working it He's working it and he came Wow Antonio Brown taken down to the shaft he's working it oh he's working it and he came wow i think antonio brown taken down

to the dumpster that is a disgusting ass by randy moss absolutely disgusting ass i think we've already talked about ed buck on here haven't we yeah i think so yeah but for the people that haven't heard that episode he's a guy who donates money to democratic organizations and his good friends with hillary clinton and he would fuck homeless black guys yeah in west hollywood and inject them with tons of drugs yeah and kill them inject them with like uh torpedo oil like stuff that the uh joaquin phoenix and the master drinks he would like inject them with crazy stuff after fucking them under on a mattress and there were a bunch of skulls on the wall on a red light it was like weirdly satanic

and then he would just uh like leave them on like on the like they were trash like you'd like take them out to the trash cans and they'd be like he did this for years apparently years he did this yeah and that's the most normal Hillary Clinton friend, honestly. Right. How does that guy not get killed? He's just a rich gay guy in Beverly Hills. Yeah. I guess that's her rule.

She's like, I don't kill gays. I only assassinate straights. Yeah. That's where she draws the line. I only kill women who sucked off bail. Those are the women I kill. That's where I draw the line. And all the children I murdered. The whole thing with the Clinton body count, women who sucked off bill those are the women i killed that's why that's why i travel and all

the children i murdered that is the the whole thing with the clinton body count the only hole in it is uh why didn't monica lewinsky like fall down a stairwell in a parking garage too fat couldn't do it wow i wonder if they tried to kill her a bunch of times but she was too fat they kept the like poisoning her yeah but it was it wasn't a high enough dosage. They give her a whole gram of niacin. But it just gets wrapped in high fructose corn syrup. Passes right through her body. Yeah, it just goes into the outer membrane. It gets swallowed by corn like a big orb.

It just floats through her body. One of those things that's designed to help old people if they fall down. Those full body parachutes. What are those? Have those have you seen that no i don't think so that's like a thing they have in japan where if there's like really old people they give them like just a suit that just like if they start to fall the whole suit turns into a big bubble help me out with the search words here buddy japanese bubble suit um yeah japanese parachute for old people Elderly parachute No that's just a bunch of Kamikazes These are just suicidal

Bubble? Maybe airbag suit Just airbag suit Is that it for the head? This is it right here that thing? what the fuck why doesn't it let me zoom in

yeah Japanese company makes airbags for the elderly this is for like this is for if you want to like do Pearl Harbor but like on the moon that's crazy to safely be a kamikaze yeah that's insane

wow so if you fall it it pops open? yeah it just like expands like an actual air bag it just like wraps around you oh shit you can get them on ebay yeah we should get joey one of these honestly yeah jelly should have a night when he's too drunk even if he doesn't fall we can just disable him by like just punching the thing. Joey's a little too drunk. Get his elderly airbag on. So it's in a black leather, so it's like a biker gang leather vest.

It looks less gay with it ejected. A little black leather vest. With it ejected, it almost looks like a Balenciaga outfit. I could see Kanye wearing this last year. I could see Sam Smith singing with this on with devil horns and stuff. Yeah, that sucks ass. Have you guys seen videos of him

all fat and he's dressed up like the devil and he's rubbing his man pussy? Yeah, he's obsessed with that. He's in fat Moulin Rouge now. He's in fat gay Moulin Rouge now. Yeah. He's in like fat gay Moulin Rouge. Yeah. Look, he's like, I'm the fat devil. Look at that.

God, he looks like utter shit. I've seen so many videos of fans in the front row taking video of him, and everyone in the comments is like, Jesus Christ, buddy, you look disgusting. Well, he is. Because he takes his shirt off. He is that type of thing where you can you zoom in on that picture, the one with his face right there in that interview. This one?

He is like that thing where he gains weight and he looks like he has mold on him a little bit. Like his neck turns into like Beetlejuice skin a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. He's like moss and shit. I feel that. Yeah.

Mental illness kicks ass. It's so funny what it does to people I know he was the one during the beginning of COVID remember he was like crying and he's like I just feel like

I can't go anywhere and he was like literally like the Taj Mahal is behind him yeah exactly he's in Venice he's like I just feel like I haven't seen any sites

oh god yeah that looks like absolute shit he looks like he has a pussy do they get pussies he might you know he's rich enough he he's rich enough he could get he could get a he looks like he designed the pitchfork because he needed to he want it was a fork for the biggest food that's right he i i think people by the way i think people like him like when you're this when you

are this wealthy and well-known, you might just get a pussy as a flex. Yeah, yeah. Just to show that you can afford it. Yeah. It's like having the fifth McLaren. You don't need it, but you just want every color. They get a pussy like a second phone.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You show up at some millionaire's party. You're like, check it out. New huge pussy. And he goes to the doctor, and he specifically goes, how big can you make my pussy? They go, well, how big is your dick?

And he goes, well, it's tiny. He goes, I want it to be like a cooler. I want to be able to fit like sandwiches and lots of stuff. I never fucking realized if you're trans, you get to choose and you get the post-op surgery. You get to choose what kind of pussy you have. Do you? Do you get to do it like when you buy like a flashlight and it's like modeled after the porn star's pussy? Be like, give me the Asakira.

Yeah, can I get the Bailey Jack, please? You can also do that with the fucking... When you become a man, you can pick your dick piece. Pick your type of penis. I've heard they can give them huge dicks, by the way. Can you get like, give me the Lexington Steel? I think so. That's crazy.

That's enough of a reason to become. I'm going to become a woman so I can become a guy. Can I be a man that is a trans man? That becomes trans. I just want a new dick. I want a big floppy dick that doesn't really work. Yeah. Well, because it's like a mound.

I think it looks like, you know those toys you have when you're a kid that's like the gel thing, the tube that you'd stick your finger in? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I like the glitter. Like, it kind those toys you have when you're a kid that's like the gel thing, the tube that you'd stick your finger in? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I like the glitter. Like, it kind of looks like that. And then to get it hard, there's like a tube inside of it.

And you have to like blow it up by like squeezing the balls, I think. And it's like, it's literally like those shoes from the 90s where you would blow them up. Yeah, from the sandlot? Yeah. Or whatever? And that's how you would get, like from Like Mike. And that's how you would get an erection. Yeah, from the sandlot or whatever. From Like Mike. That's how you would get an erection. Yeah.

I think unconditional love just goes out the window. I think being transracial is way cooler. That's true. Than being transgender. We should, another Patreon goal, if we hit 200k, we'll all become transracial. Yes. I think that's okay.

Yeah, that's fine. It's supported, right? It's totally fine. That's like the right thing to believe in? Yes. Yeah. 100%. Like we just become...

We can do whatever we want. I stand with Miss Dolezal. But she didn't really do any surgeries though. She just kind of like... Oh, that's right. She just like kind of started drinking lemonade. Braiding her hair. What kind of sucks is you don't have to...

Drinking lemonade? It's really no different. She just became black by going like, okay, baby. Yeah, she just kind of said, yeah, you just said baby. She started drinking Sprite. Well, sorry.

Sorry, my bad. That's racist. What I was saying, saying i know but what i was saying was it's it's just it's like the transhumanist argument people make where they say if you can control the genetic outcome of your child unconditional love goes out the window because then you don't have to love it in spite of its flaws you can make it you go i want it to look like this and it's gonna look like brad p make it. You go, I want it to look like this. And it's going to look like Brad Pitt. It's really good at math. And it doesn't annoy the shit out of you.

Right. And it's handsome. So you can do the same thing as with being transracial or transgender. You get to choose what type of, like you get to choose the size of your pussy or the size of your penis. You don't have to like learn. You don't have to overcome something in order to figure out how to love yourself. Like all of us who were born with small dicks.

They don't have to learn how to love ourselves. That's why I think the post-op surgery should be free, but only for small dicks. And big pussies. I like that. We're against trans surgery, but only because we figured out they give them huge dicks. Yeah, I don't like that. We're the guys. I like that. We're against trans surgery, but only because we figured out they give them huge

dicks. Yeah, I don't like that. They're beating us. That's really upsetting. Yeah. I mean, that seems fair. I think the government should fund any sort of very, like, if you want a small, if you want to go from a pussy to a very tiny

penis. I mean, like, not a micro. That's fucked up. Not one that's like the size of a clit. I mean, like a four inch or three, three and a half. No, like that. Like that, too. That's like a two. I think that's technically micro.

Yeah. No, no, no, no. That's my I've seen micro. I think under three is technically micro. Jack, I've seen micro. Yeah. Micro. We've both seen micro.

Like a mushroom. Dude, I'm a fucking expert on this topic. We knew a guy in high school. We knew a penis yeah penis yeah you guys kill him you kind of want to right i mean just for his own good what is your purpose here you do kind of want to ask you want to pull him aside and be like you doing okay because i saw i saw that i saw that you're doing all right not how was that not a conversation starter like about your the the well-being of yourself are you okay what was it like you don't really know what you're missing because i saw that thing that like the whole world like pretty much judges everyone off of and uh you have the worst

one that i've ever seen i saw Yeah. You have the lowest amount of money you could possibly have in the universe. You have no money in terms of your body. Yeah. You know that thing I view as a representation of my soul?

Yours is the worst version of that. You know that thing, like women lie to us and pretend it doesn't matter because literally we'd all kill ourselves if it did? Yeah.

Yours is even worse than that how do you guys think you'd be different if you were born with a micro penis i would have died at 17 i would have i would have taken dad's shotgun and i would have fucking painted the wall of the garage oh just next to the family car Just blowing blood all over the fucking garage. Yeah, dude. I mean, like, and then my suicide note would say, you know why I did it. You know why. You know why.

You did this to me. If you have a Sharpie, you have it with an arrow pointed saying, this is why I blew my head off. With it pointing to your very small penis. And you've circled it in a black Sharpie. And then the paramedics get there. They're like, he cut his dick off and blew his head off with it pointing to your very small penis and you've circled it in a black sharpie. And then the paramedics get there, they're like, he cut his dick off

and blew his head off. Oh my God. And he like shrunk his balls in ice or something, you put them in salt? The only thing anyone says

is like, oh, the arrow's bigger than his dick. Yeah, there's like a magnifying, they have a magnifying glass i'm like oh they killed the dog too sheriff they killed his dick they killed his dick too sure that's a micro penis

yep fixing to do something crazier than ever yeah i i mean legitimately i don't know what i would do we knew two there was two guys who went to my high school who both had micro penises who was the other guy i mean i don't want to say his name i mean he's like i said he's probably died in some his name was mac micro penis yeah his name was fucking um dylan claybold um no there two guys and I just knew it from like, you know, you'd shower and shit. And one guy had he had a micropenis, but he had like regular balls, which is kind of almost worse

because it just looked like a sack with nothing like above it. It looked like a hole. It looked like when those people get in really bad car accidents, they don't have a nose anymore. Like that's kind of what his dick looked like. Yeah, it looked like a balloon. Yeah. It just looked like a hole. And then another guy, he had a nose anymore. Like, that's kind of what his dick looked like. Yeah, it looked like a balloon. Yeah, it just looked like a hole. And then another guy, he had a micro penis,

but he had little, like, the tiniest little balls I've ever seen. And I can't remember, you kept thinking, like, you could walk up to him and just, like, crush him. Yeah, yeah, you could just, yeah, destroy them. Oh, man, so fucked up for a human to have. I mean, if I had that, I'd kill myself. I legitimately, I don't know what I did if my fucking dick and balls look like you know those balloons at

carnival games where they're like pinned to it yeah you gotta pop it with a dart where that's just a bull it's a big balloon and then just a little nozzle poked yeah yeah that's your cock and there's a little knot in it in the shaft god damn it. I don't know if... In terms of how a micropenis would change the trajectory of my life, I mean, I already hate myself so much now. And loathe myself so much now.

Yeah, you'd be, like, working at, like, 7-Eleven or something. Yeah, I probably would just be some... I'm those shooters where, you know, they go outside of a government building and with like they have like an airsoft sniper laser on an ar-15 that they somehow got for like 400 and they have bullshit safety vest stuff and they they're like running in and that they immediately get sniped by like 30 police officers yeah i'm that i'm that guy that didn't even get in the building. You'd be one of those guys who somehow tries to

fucking go-kart plane into the White House lawn. Oh, yeah. I drive like a little crop duster. Yeah, you drive like the things from Fly Away Home. I don't know what those are called. Remember there's a guy who got in one of those

and tried to fly into the White House and they just shot him with a cannon yeah yeah just turned him into like fucking swiss cheese yeah i'm just in the little stewart little plane i just fucking you do that it'd be like it's saying like you'd fucking try to hold hostages at a wmba game and get killed because you would here's the thing you would hate yourself so much you wouldn't even do a good shooting no no no i wouldn't have the ability i don't i don't believe that version of me would have the ability to uh really do i'd be forgotten yeah you try to be forgotten immediately you try to rob like an ally bank like a a bank that doesn't even... Try to rob an online bank? An online bank. You just be outside of an ATM with a gun.

And then get fucking sniped. Yeah, I don't know. God. I guess I... Or maybe I just work at like a car dealership or something. Maybe it would have the opposite effect and you'd be like a tie-in of industry. Because you're always, you know... I'm overcompensating.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, interesting. Yeah, you're like the Isaiah Thomas of having a penis. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. You would definitely kill yourself, though. Yeah, I would 100% kill myself. Make no mistake.

I'd live with it, and I'd convince everybody that they're gay for not having one. Yeah, I could see you just becoming like a lonely stoner guy. I'd be like, you guys don't just becoming like a lonely stoner guy. I'd be like, you guys don't even fucking get the level I'm on. I'm like one of so many on earth. You guys are like, it looks weird to me, that big dick. Fucking pathetic.

Devin would form a committee, like an AA group where they all meet. Like it's Nambla, but for guys that think having micropenises is better. Yeah, and I'd be like, you know what girls love is soda. Not huge cops. You're a huge cop. Dude, I've been talking to

the girls. They love like Pepsi and they love like video games. They love when you list off every flavor of Mountain Dew. Yeah. Live wire, fucking voltage, Baja Red, regular. Be like me and my chick, but we were the downloading show on LimeWire. We're fucking...

You fag. We'd be like, look at you. You like fuck? You have a big dick and you fuck them? They don't really like that. They find it aggressive. What do you do? You fucking pound their cervix? Dude, that's weird. You're hurting them. That's really bizarre

of you to do. Hey, you're hurting her. You're hurting her, asshole. You know what she likes? Soda and Lunchables. Retard. She likes a dick that just, like, just boxes her clit like it's a speed bag at a gym. Yeah, she likes to be jabbed. She likes it when I put my tiny dick under her clitoral hood and then fucks the hood.

Jack. I'm pretty sure guys with micro penises, they just finger themselves like a woman. Yeah, that's how they hang off. They just do that. Yeah, I think so. I think so. They just rub it. Yeah, they finger themselves like they're doing a DJ set.

Yeah. They're doing a boy room set. Yeah, they cum like it's Gangnam Style. They grab their dick and they go, woo. Yeah, they cum like it's Gangnam Style. They grab their dick and they go, Woo! Does the cum just sort of fall out like when someone spits?

I think it just drops out, yeah. So it comes out and it immediately goes to the earth? It just drops. Into the dust? Right down, yeah. And their cum is probably so sad, too. God. Yeah.

The cum probably is much smaller as well, right? Because the penis is so small yeah that would be funny though if it was bigger though you know yeah they come huge yeah yeah so they look like they look like spider-man you know yeah and i guess when they come maybe their penis because the because to make room for the cum it has to expand so maybe when they come it kind of it's like inflating one of those doctor's gloves yeah it just gets bigger and so the woman can fill him being inside of her for like maybe three or four seconds as he's jizzing I just want to really like I want to like thank you for your retarded curiosity with any

idiotic thing we're talking about here it's like unbelievable what we explore and be called because of you. You think of it like Einstein. You're like, that's interesting. So the dick is under the balls. I think of everything like I'm learning about things for the first

time. Like I'm four years old. It's like watching a guy figure out math. Like the first guy to figure math out but it's with the dumbest thing of all time. It's just beautiful, and I thank you for that. Well, I told you guys, I drive, you shoot. But we're shooting at you. We're trying to get the machine gun

down into the tank to kill you. You guys are two Bunsen burners, and I'm a teapot. You guys are trying to make me boil and blow up. I like that. That's a good analogy. I like that.

Devin does make a good point. You're like a philosopher. But if you're like, you know what? Like Camus, Nietzsche, they left a lot of stones unturned. What if you have really big balls and a tiny dick? Exactly. And it's like maybe there's secrets to reality underneath those. But what if hitler was

500 pounds yeah but just think but it's like what if the stones were gay you're like a guy you get to everest and everest is you know the human experience and you're like i'm gonna climb that and you start digging down into the earth Yeah, you're like a spelunker of retardation. What's a spelunker? Spelunkers, they go deep into caves and they've searched to the center. They go to the center of the earth. I'm gonna start using that.

Spelunking. I always called them guys that climb down in holes. Guy that climbs down in holes. I always sounded like a goddamn retard. But they're called spelunkers, which is a weird sexual, it almost sounds like they come on faces or something. It sounds like a guy who's in charge of drilling all the glory holes it does sound like that guy

like a guy who has a drill and he's like he's like mike ermantrout just going from but he's just like going from city to city getting out with the drill yeah yeah this is a five inch width walter walter you don't want to see there's a fucking bell curve almost no people are over 6.5 girth Walter this is for ones curved to the left Walter we have two holes Walter one's for the balls one's for

the dick it's how we've been doing it for a long time I've never by the way I just want to say real quick never seen a glory hole really me neither I've never been to the way, I just want to say real quick, never seen a glory hole. Really? Me neither. I've never been to a bathroom and seen one. I've been to plenty of truck stops.

Never seen one. I've been to my fair share. Have you ever seen? I've never seen like a professional glory hole. You know, like you walk in, you're like, that's a fucking glory hole. You've seen a hole, something like crudely tried to make. I've seen like a vague hole and I'm like, I think you're supposed to stick your fucking cock in that. And is it like pitch black

or are there colors on the other side? What's going on? Is there like some iridescence? There's a hot lady's mouth. What are you talking about? Yeah, hopefully. But the best part of the glory hole is it doesn't have to be a lady.

You can just kind of convince yourself of anything as long as you leave the bathroom before they open up their stall. Oh, interesting. Yeah, even though you just feel beard and like a man's fucking cab driver's hand. Yeah, you're like, oh man. anything as long as you leave the bathroom before they open up their stall oh interesting well even though you just feel beard and like a man's yeah you're like oh man is that a new thing you have yeah that's a beautiful lady who can palm a basketball behind that wall is that joanna man no i've been there but i've never seen like somebody where it's like clearly they like

fucking board it out and then like sanded down yeah i've never seen one where it's like in form and then there's duct tape around it so it doesn't hurt your cock i would really fuck with them if i ever found a glory hole i'd take his shit through it yeah and as the turd starts coming out of my ass and it gets pushed through in the perfect glory hole size shape they they're just trying to suck on it and it takes them a kind of a moment to realize they're sucking yeah they think it's a black guy's dick yeah because it's head it's like a baby right coming out of a pussy it'd be funny to come out put like a stick of dynamite through the guy's head explodes his eyes are closed because he's all into it he's like super gay and he like can't wait to suck it

his whole head explodes that'd be funny dude these are these are like the new the new tiktok pranks we need to do is we need to fuck with people who venture out to glory holes. Yeah, they're doing that. TikTokers are doing all types of pranks. TikTokers are now going to stores and they're just saying, this guy's a pedophile. He was sending me messages online. Really? Yeah, because like pedophile catchers, they're now pretending that they're just falsely accusing people at the store of it.

That's awful. There's now TikTokers also in restaurants and they're going, he's got a gun, he's got a gun and everyone rushes out and they think there's

a mass shooting going on. Oh my God, they're all Joey LaFleur now. Yeah. I mean, you gotta give it up though. I mean, I would do that.

If I was living in this day and age where they've added so many new things. I'd be calling in bomb threats to my school. There's so many fun new things to fuck with the system over.

It's like I would use it all to my advantage. I was a terrible kid. You'd be at school, you'd be creating fake Twitter accounts about specific people. Yeah. Dude, I wouldn't take care of my body at all growing up. I would be the fattest guy on the FBI's most wanted

list to ever live. Where like a 400 pound student keeps calling in bomb threats all over the united states yeah into every school it's so funny we can't just like do anything to fat people you can't just like what do you mean just arrest them we could do anything you want to them and just run away just get them off the streets right officer yeah do you know why i pulled you over today your tits that's why i kind of feel like the vegas shooting he had the highest count because they're the fattest people they're in vegas at a country rock show so steven paddock like it's one of the biggest possible targets. It's like shooting a house. How are you going to miss? Yeah. He actually only

killed one guy. They counted it as 75 people. Just him firing into a crowd of people and it just takes him like four minutes to disperse. It was like, I know I made this joke, but it's like turkeys looking at the rain.

I mean, I've seen the footage from the concert. You see like the fucking, like the fire starts and Jason Aldean's like, who's playing that trap music? Who's playing that hip hop shit? And then yeah, people like literally just like they're turning. They're like, it's there. And then it's like... Everyone at the concert just thought it was like

an intro. Yeah. And then you had Dan Blazeri in my favorite part of the Mandalay Bay shooting was him sprinting away with his phone. He's like, holy shit, I just saw a fucking lady's head get blown off.

Just fucking crazy, dude. He's got like a huge cowboy hat on. Huge cowboy hat on. He's like, dude, it's fucking crazy. And then he yells at a cop. He's like, give me your gun.

The cop tells him no. Give me your gun. They're like, no. They're like, what are you? What are you? He's like,

I'm tactically trained. Give me your gun. Yeah. Yeah. Tactically trained. Yeah, Dan Blazerian rules though though did you see what they said about the mandalay bay shooting oh the motive they finally released the motive yeah what was the

motive that he like lost at the slot machines and he was pissed he was really pissed at the casino he lost at a slot machine that he was losing and he was angry at the casino employees so he killed a bunch of j Aldea fans. Yeah. I mean, we've all been there. It's all fake. Yeah. Huh.

The amount of times I've torn up a racing form and then just grabbed a shotgun out of my car. Yeah. And I go, I'm going to shoot 575 people. You know what? I'm going to take my assault rifles up to my room. I didn't hit three bananas this time. Time to go buy 45 guns. I think I'm gonna take out

a small village. Because I'm pissed off at, you know, at Dottie that works at Harris. I got fucking, I hit 22, so now I'm gonna do a shooting that takes five days to set up. You fuck

Circus Circus. Fuck them. I will say about the Vegas shooting, fuck, I just forgot what I was going to say. But you will say it. According to you, you will. Hey guys, I forgot my thought, but I will

say this. Shit, I literally, someone unplugged the computer or something the way you're the way you're holding that water ball is really why are you holding it you look like a japanese girl at a movie theater my head hurts your head hurts right now i have inflammation oh no oh you're right i have cellulitis the bugs got a bug bit me and i have inflammation the mummy beetle got inside you yeah and now I'm on antibiotics and it sucks Because my stomach is always really fucked up You have no immune system because of those antibiotics

It makes me so tired Yeah Ben got a big bug bite on his head And he got a lot of inflammation Although who knows maybe it could be something crawling out of your brain Oh interesting Yeah what if your brain's trying to escape? It's like, I can't take anymore of the internet. It's his prefrontal cortex making a break for it.

Trying to make a run for it. His prefrontal cortex is just chiseling through his skull. Like Andy Dufresne in the Shotgun Reduction. Yeah, it's got a little poster of a hot lady brain on the inside of your skull. And then every night it's just... Yeah, your prefrontal cortex has like a pet canary. Yeah, it got raped by your fucking

another part, a dual oblongata. What are you saying? I wish I could remember what I was going to say about the Vegas shooting because it was poignant. Damn, I wish I could fucking hear it. It was fucking brilliant. You have no idea. God damn you, Ben. You're probably just going to be like, I'll say this It was poignant. Damn. I wish I could fucking... It was fucking brilliant....hear it.

You have no idea. God damn you, Ben. You're probably just going to be like, I'll say this about the Mandalay shooting. It was really funny. It was really funny that that happened and all those people died. And we don't care. No, we don't care.

Yeah. No one looks into it. If you Google it, there's no results. Nothing comes up. Yeah. They're just like, there was a mish it, there's no results. Nothing comes up. There was a mishap. There's no memorial there either. Last time I went to Vegas, I walked up and down to see where he did it.

No memorial, no nothing. They put up fences. It's really eerie. There's just weird chain link fences and there's no flowers. Nothing. It's because nobody died. Yeah, I mean. There's just like weird chain link fences and there's no flowers, nothing. It's because nobody died. Yeah, I mean. Yeah.

Those people are holograms. I know a lot of people lived and then died in another shooting later on or something. But how do we know anything happened? I don't know. I really don't know. I don't believe in anything. Well, Devin, you're being very ignorant. I know someone personally who died in the Vegas shooting,

and you're really offending me right now. Really? Yeah, I do. How'd they die? What do you mean? They died in the Vegas shooting. But how? They took their own life after the police corner. They killed themselves because they had weed in their pockets.

No, he knew Steven Paddock. Devin's being, he's really offending me right now. I was good friends with Steven Paddock. You know what else died in the Vegas shooting? What's that? Truth. Yeah, I think that's the real casualty here.

You know what else died? It's truth. You know what else died in the Vegas shooting? Journalism. That's what I say. And you can subscribe to me on Substack. I've been talking about it for 17 years. Dude, speaking of like, what is it called? Yellow journalism or whatever the hell. You know, everything's just fucking, there's like an opinion.

You know, yellow journalism, it's like when journalism came out and it started becoming like opinionated. I really wanted to make a bad racist joke so bad. Okay, let me look it up to make sure I'm not retarded. That's what Ben calls the Chinese Times. That damn yellow journalism. Well, you did it. Am I fucking retarded?

Journalism that is based upon sensationalism and crude exaggeration. It came about in... So journalism then. Right, but it used to not be that way. But... Well, now it's all yellow journalism. But regardless, so back in the late 1800s and stuff, way but well now it's all yellow journalism but regardless so back in back in like the uh like the late 1800s and stuff when senators and people like that were running against each other

there's a i forget the specific story i was talking to my friend aaron guinn at american guinn on the phone about it he told me like some senator. We've given him too many plugs. He was telling me it was some, I believe it was two senators or something. I'm not going to look it up right now because who gives a shit, but they were running against each other politically. And one of them started running ads that the other one died because he was fat. So they said he died. And then you can't like, you can't tweet out like no i'm still here so so they go since he died you might as well just vote for me and then uh the

other guy had to like then publish uh news stories going it's not real i'm actually alive and then people were like yeah but that's this is a counter campaign to like elect the guy who's dead for this yeah that's like what a perfect thing but that's so this what's happening right now is always been going on that's like 1940s trump that's kind of like brilliant yeah did you guys know there was you did you guys ever see that old there was an old movie that came out in like the 50s about a rancher like a ranch kingpin that comes into town his name is trump really the whole movie is everyone in the town hating him wanting him out of there because he's kicking out him like he's like racist he's vaguely remember it's very weird interesting i watched like an eight minute clip from the movie and this could be like a fake like i was living in a matrix the man who shot stormy daniels yeah yeah

yeah the man who come shot stormy daniels yeah it's just john wayne being like well what if i fuck you in the ass pilgrim it was like a real i i don't think i'm having a fever dream i remember watching a clip from this movie and it was very extremely bizarre i remember and there was like a real i i don't think i'm having a fever dream i remember watching a clip from this movie and it was very extremely bizarre remember and there was like a couple other details that like matched up they all matched up really well trump's campaign yeah i know they did about um fatty arbuckle it was like the first film star they just um a newspaper like made up a rumor that he he was so fat he fucked a girl to death and she died and it like ruined his career oh really yeah they said um he fucked her and then he shoved like a fucked a girl to death and she died and it like ruined his career. Oh, really?

Yeah, they said he fucked her and then he shoved like a Coke bottle up her pussy and she died. And it just wasn't true at all, but it like... But it still lasts. But it could have been. It could have been because he's really fat

so he would have had a Coke bottle there. We live in a day and age where no matter what, if somebody says something about you, that's you forever. Yeah. Well, yeah, he was the first guy to get canceled, but it was like the 1910s. He like duke lacrosse team yeah yeah yeah exactly those piece of shit rapists who i saw the doc you didn't do it you fucking rapists

what does the burr hamilton do oh this is amazing this is about when bill burr is he's gonna be in hamilton next year yeah yeah yeah dude i was. Yeah, dude, I was in Hamilton. It was great. All right, yeah. Hey, Thomas Jefferson. He's like black or whatever. George Washington looks like my wife. Ah, George Washington. He's over there.

He's like a Filipino. Ah, you know? The duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, the third vice president of the United States, and then Alexander Hamilton was the first and former secretary of the treasury. At dawn on July 11th, 1804, they had a duel. Duels are so cool. It was the culmination of a bitter rivalry that had developed between the men who had become high-profile politicians in post-colonial America. Oh, in the duel, Burr fatally shot Hamilton in the abdomen while Hamilton fired into a tree branch.

What a fucking loser. Yeah, he sucks. Well, that's the story that Hamilton told, is that because he was a man of honor, he was going to fire above. Right, he wasn't actually going to try and kill him. Really? Burr's head. That's the story. Who knows how much of it is true?

Huh. And he thought because Burr was also a gentleman that he would, and then Burr just shot him in the belly. So here's what's interesting, though. It effectively ended the political career of Burr, who was vilified for shooting Hamilton. He never held another office

after his tenure of vice president ended in 1805. He wasn't really supposed to do it. It was for a show and he was supposed to choose honor. Instead, he actually shot him. Damn. Alexander Hamilton's son also died in a duel before Alexander Hamilton.

Damn. Imagine signing up for your death. We'll do a duel. Because a guy knocked over your drink at the bar. We're going to both walk 10 paces that way and then kill each other. Right. Idiots. Then we're going to shoot a gun that could explode in our face.

Yeah, we're going to shoot a hand cannon. Yeah, apparently they used to accuse each other of being gay all the time. Yeah, in the 50s. Is that where you're looking at? Yeah, it says... Oh, Davy Crockett was calling Martin Van Buren gay. Gay. Dude, everybody's been doing every people stopped for a while doing the the trump technique and now they're now trump brought he brought it back he brought it back he's like davy crockett

it's amazing yeah yeah well it's because it was i think mccarthy kind of made it hack you know in the 50s right and it was kind of like old hack, you know, in the 50s. Right. And it was kind of like old hat. Right. And then Trump brought back the muck raking. He revived the art form. Exactly. This says that he accused Van Buren of being laced up in corsets such as women in town wear and, if possible, tighter than the rest of them. You could hear Trump saying that. Yeah.

Laced up in a corset. Women wear it. Much tighter than the way women wear them. Much tighter than the way women wear them. Much tighter than the way women wear them. It's me, Davy Crockett. I wear a coonskin cap. Don't look at me. You know what that word means. The press knew what it

meant and they took it out of context. We all know the double meaning. It's hilarious. That's why I wear it, because it's hilarious. I wear it. It's a prop. I'm making fun of a whole race good skin cap what is that an afro wig

it's hilarious sorry sorry sorry my apologies Jace look in the camera and apologize sorry

man this is amazing I didn't know they used to just call the whole American politics it's just calling the other guy gay and whoever calls the other guy gay the most times he wins yeah yeah yeah william f buckley famously did that in a debate with gore vidal um it was like i think

the 68 presidential um election and they would have debates after every debate and then gore vidal who's like this you know big fucking flaming gay guy yeah and william buckley who's this famous conservative who talked you know with kind of a new england right yeah yeah yeah type accent this guy um yeah that's gore vidal and then the other guy was william f buckley um gore vidal goes oh shut up you crypto nazi and he kept calling him a crypto nazi and then william f buckley famously said, he goes, if you call me a crypto Nazi one more time, I'll suck a punch of you goddamn queer. Oh, hell yeah. And he called him a queer on TV.

Really? And it was like this big. Wow. And then Gore Vidal sat down just like a sassy queen. He goes, well, I don't know. He called me a goddamn queer. Has Trump ever called someone a fag? No, not yet.

It's been like you're being a huge fag right now. Frankly. He'd immediately be fag right now. Frankly. He'd immediately be catapulted. Yeah. He would win the gamer vote. Yeah. Yeah, easily. I'm going to see, dude, I'm going to see if Trump, I think he's got to break out the gamer word.

He wins. To win 2024. He wins Xbox 360, president of the fucking. Yeah, they put him into Fortnite. Yeah. Like that Travis Scott thing. He's 800 feet big. I'm typing,

has Donald Trump ever said the N-word? Well, there's that famous tape that they claim they have. They claim there's a tape of him saying it a bunch. From The Apprentice, yeah. Well, The Hollywood Reporter said they don't exist. Yeah, so... There's also, I mean, there's so many claims.

There's like the claim that like two russian hookers were pissing on him yeah none of them i mean they want these to come out so badly and they never have so it's kind of like well it probably didn't happen i've read an in-depth thing about the p-tape where they can like uh look to see what rooms they were in and everything and what they kind of deduce and it's a really long thing i it's kind of hazy on the details but basically they go so someone definitely filmed someone that looks like trump in that room in russia when he's doing the p but then they they pieced things together how it couldn't happen so they they think someone uh basically made a video to look like Trump was. That's possible.

But they actually went to the extent to go to Russia to make. Or I guess if they're in Russia, they could have made it. That's believable. You see it and they just CGI'd his head onto the Hulk Hogan sex tape. It's just Trump being like, oh, I shouldn't have dated Chinese. They knew it was his piss because it was so dehydrated. It was so dark. It'srated. It was like super yellow. It's black.

It looks like Guinness. You put it in a glass and it goes down the side. It's nitro. Yeah, it's got nitro. Yeah, so he's like, you know Trump's piss. It's got the nitrogen thing in the bottom of it. He has to wait like five minutes for the toilet bowl to like lower. When he shakes his dick, it sounds like a can of spray paint. Because it has that little ball in it.

You hear the little ball, yeah. There's an Irish guy being like, that's not proper piss, mate. Oh, you call that piss? My grandmother makes better piss than that. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party. I think this is the regular.'ll see we'll see yeah uh live streams every 4 p.m wednesday uh 4 p.m pacific standard time that's 7 p.m eastern

standard time make sure you subscribe to the lemon party clips channel and then those go behind a paywall on the patreon as well and then we do patreon episodes every friday as well and i think we have like 30 something episodes on the Patreon at this point, like 31 or 32. Yeah, I think we just had 30. You could really binge a bunch of episodes. There's audio and video on there. It's a fun time. Devin Hatewatch Podcast, as always.

Jace at Sad Drawings by Jace. And I've been gay, and I will see you next week. Good night. I've been gay and I will see you next week goodnight Thank you.