lemonparty - 030: John Madden’s Operation Iraqi Freedom

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

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I had a friend of the modern ones like NBA NBA Live, he would make a whole team full of all his favorite rappers. And they'd all be like 99. And then I would play him with the Lakers and try and beat him with Kobe. So it was Kobe against Christopher Wallace and Tupac and Marshall Mathers. I know, but you're such a basketball integratist. Yeah, no, it would bother me. I'd be like, this would never happen. I can't do this.

Sorry. Tupac did not have a jump shot. This is not factual. I saw that movie where he did basketball. Yeah. Juice? He had a gun. He didn't play.

He intimidated people on the court. He didn't shoot. He got shot, ladies and gentlemen. Not my Tupac. I guess John Morant is the new Tupac of the mba that is true what an idiot that guy yeah he threw his just throwing an entire just can't yeah just just he's he's in some sort of weird like tlc relationship with his gun he's trying to fuck his gun i said like he should just claim he has like objectophilia and like he like is in a relationship relationship with his grandfather's pistol or something.

Yeah, like the guy who wants to fuck his car. Yeah. Like he's rubbing the barrel tip. At this point, it's like the guy can't. He's always with that damn gun. That damn gun. It's like Lars and the Real Girl. His gun is easy.

He's fucking his gun. Trying to suck it off. Trying to put calm in the chamber it never shoots because it's full of jizz that guy definitely fucks his gun 100 he only flashed it for like 0.1 seconds it's ridiculous he's in that much trouble for it but it's like you get paid 200 million dollars to just literally the one thing you don't do is that yeah imagine somebody it was more like it's the fifth time they're like hey stop being so black in front of everybody he's also like he's not a ghetto guy he like grew up well like he's like the papa doc of the nba

like he's pretending to be a gangster but he's like lived a normal like memphis is most wanted yeah yeah so it's just what if he bought that gun from China? Well, that's an even bigger issue, because now he's working with our enemies. Oh, I thought LeBron and those guys love China. I'm out of the loop on that. No, you're right. You're right. But that would get him...

He'd get a lot of people like... A lot of conservatives online would be upset at that. You never want to upset the conservatives online. That is always my favorite one. Like John Morant gets suspended for a gun and then the NRA is like, we're going to let this one pass. That's fine with us.

Oh, I guess we like black people. They're not into that one. They loved when, didn't Killer Mike defend the NRA at one point? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. They jumped all over that one real quick. Liberals don't know what to do when a black dude supports supports the nra they're like they just don't know better guns were banned in uh open carry was banned in california because of the black panthers

a bunch of panthers in oh right i heard this from a woman i was getting pussy from so this might be fake yeah yeah you heard this from a phoenix occur i was fucking erica badu and she told me this meme between sticking her dreads up my ass like avatar i fuck erica badu like avatar she wraps her dreads around my penis and we fuck but no i heard that in like the 70s a bunch of black panthers because open carry was legal in california they went to in sacramento they went to the state capitol and then like the next day they're like,

okay, we're. Yeah, I think you're right about that. Yeah, just bang. Yeah, they're fighting over the gavel and just smashing it. No, I think like within the next day they're like, I think like literally

somebody went to them and was like, can we ban it just for black people? And they're like, not technically. He's like, all right, nobody gets open carry anymore.

Yeah. It's such a tired argument, but then you see videos in england do you see where guys just like they get pissed off at some bloke and they go into their flat i'm using all the terms correctly i think so yeah they get in a queue to go to their flat yeah yeah and they say hi to their cunt. Say hello to the little cunt. They eat some eggs and beans real quick. Get their meat pie. Yeah.

Yeah. They rub grease on their hands as they do to start every morning. Yeah. Yeah. And a guy will come out and he's just wielding two machetes. Yeah. And then the other guy, like his buddy will toss him. Because I think they all carry swords with them. If they're hoodlums. They just have swords.

Everyone has a shank. Everyone's getting poked up. They fight like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They have those little three-pronged things. They have scimitars. Like Arabian swords. Like ones you would find in a treasure chest. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think something like... Once crossed over a pirate skull. Somebody in England gets stabbed once every minute. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah. So there was like, well, at least, you know, all schools aren't shooting. And then they get stabbed in the throat. Yeah, yeah.

They have like maces, the thing you swing on the... Like all the things from Kill Bill Volume 1. Yeah, yeah. Like they have all those things. They're going to find a pub and like wheel out a trebuchet and just like swing. They're firing cannons at each other. Yeah. Lighting big arrows and then shooting them like

Robin Hood. Doing a drive by a guy's in a trunk with a cannon driving by and it just blows up. Yeah. The car flips out of the back of a gay Mini Cooper. That's all they're allowed to own over there. The guy's dressed like Austin Powers. And I'll show the car flips out of the back of a gay mini cooper cause that's all they're allowed to own over there the guy's dressed like Austin Powers

he disrespected my cunt wife by saying her beans weren't as good as the local shoppy shops he's a Manchester fan yeah and the like soccer hooligans in the crowd at a game pulling out a big cannon. Imagine dying over a game where one point was scored.

Oh, right. Dying over a 0-0 game. That's one of my takes nobody is down with. So I just keep it to myself. That's because the rest of the world has to keep pretending that soccer is actually good. I get it. On one hand, because it's so few points, the game's always technically close, right?

But on the other hand, there's so little excitement. It just moves a little too slow for me. It doesn't matter. Yeah. It sucks ass. It's also... Soccer sucks my fucking ass.

They literally say it's good because it's all they can afford to do in most of the world. It's because it's soccer. It's the most popular sport because the most popular thing is poverty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all there.

It would be like Haiti being like, no, actually mud pies are tastier than food. Exactly. No, it looks like beef, the mud, when it hardens. It's what it is. We put a little straw in it. It's better.

I'm not going to listen to people that, you know, they started playing a game with their grandfather's severed head and a mosquito net. It sucks. It's their zero zero games.

They have they do they have highlights of what? Of a zero zero game? You will see I have watched highlights of a zero zero game

and it just misses. It's just a lot of people it's a the announcer this is the announcer for three straight hours almost there. And here he is, Ronald.

Oh, Ronaldinho from the side. Almost. What? Almost. Only missed it by 90 meters. Only missed it. Here we are. A bunch of people dressed like fags doing cardio in a place called Bricksbury or some fantastical land that they have in England.

A bunch of men running around who look like they're about to fuck your girlfriend at a nightclub. Oh, what a game we have here. The milk churners versus the stabbers. Oh, an unfortunate incident. A bunch of fat British retards fell onto each other, which actually happens, and die.

Yep, fall on each other. No, they get the hooligans because they're so retarded they just get they drink like 19 guinnesses and then just heads explode there was like a famous incident in like germany or something where they all they ran into a fence and then the fence collapsed and then all these fat retards fell on each other and like 30 of them got crushed oh like livestock yeah yeah it's like the walking dead. Yeah. Like people are getting squeezed through the chain iron fence. Like a geopend. Like Resident Evil in that laser scene.

And just coming apart and just beans and fish and tallows going everywhere. Yeah, just rotted teeth. Yeah, exactly. No, that sounds like a real fun night to me. You know, go watch a game where it was 1-0, then I get hammered on Guinness, and then I get killed like Elliot Smith. That's the thing.

If it's so interesting, why do you have to get absolutely hammered to watch it? You go have 20 pints before you go to the game. It's so frustrating. You can't be sober at a soccer game. They all fight each other because they can't believe nothing happened. Yeah, it's like boredom. It's like if you left two dogs alone in a room for a week,

they'd eventually kill each other. They're just bored. It's insane. It sucks ass, and it's only popular now in America because of FIFA because a bunch of fucking frat kids started playing FIFA and then they like started liking the video games. The jerseys and stuff. Frat kids do love FIFA.

They love FIFA. The most racist guys I knew at college like loved FIFA. Well, soccer. One of the most racist sports. That's how it goes. It's all country based. Yeah. It's like Axis of Allies but like with like a gay game.

You're kind of right. Everyone like hates each other. Oh, hey, you fuck him up. We prance around on the field for three and a half hours. Right. They're like, we're not like you racist Americans. And then they just throw a banana at a black player. Yeah, that's like it's remember the Titans.

That's literally like what they do. That happens in 2023. Yep. They're like, we're a civilized country. I did beat a black man to death with a banana outside a soccer game. This is how boring it is. I've noticed highlights of certain football or soccer games or whatever. They actually don't show anything on the field.

It's the reversed cam of the announcer saying goal. That's how boring the game is. You can't even show them. Yeah. that's how boring the game is you can't even show them yeah it's about a mexican guy that also does uh the telemundo and he dresses up like a bumblebee it's that guy that same guy goes for like an hour straight but they also they were offside so it didn't count it's still zero to zero exactly and he's going no go just a guy in the Saul Goodman suit. That's why they always go crazy when they score, too, because they can't believe it. They can't believe anything happened.

They literally lose their minds because they can't fucking believe they finally scored. The announcer has to dust spider webs off of his microphone to announce a goal. Do you guys try to get into it when the World Cup comes around? No, never. I try to, and I can't do it. I was living in Austin when I was 23. no never i tried to i can't i can't do it i true when i was living in austin when i was like 23 i tried and i was like i'm like i can't do this i can't so you just gave up i went to like one bar and then i was like america lost or no they tied a game zero to zero i'm like i just wasted my whole day it's like nine hours yeah i could

be at home watching pornography right now instead i'm getting baked in the austin heat drank like nine shiners and just watched us tie japan yep it's such a bad sport us the u.s can't beat japan in it exactly yeah it always makes me feel like i'm just not smart enough to get it because it's so slow like it's like a it's like a charles dickens but it's like an old it's like old literature that i just can't possibly like wrap my head around yeah but if you like that you're also retarded you suck yeah yeah yeah somebody's like i like great expectations yeah that that's to me that's like retarded yes reading books about a guy who just held a candle like this and just like walked around through a to an old house that's all of his books yeah and then the kids are hungry yeah reading a book like book like, will this 17-year-old girl get raped or not?

Emma Dickinson had grown to the ripe age of 17 and not been raped by her husband yet. She was out without a hope in the world. And then you read the book, you're like, ah, I hope that guy rapes her. I hope Mr. Darcy Pink Socks Emily whatever name is. She's just visited by ghosts that are trying to rape her. Like the 1400s.

Yeah, those books suck the dick. It is. It's like the Shakespeare of sports. Well, you know those guys got paid by the penny back then. It was like a penny a word or some shit. So they just tried to write as much bullshit as possible. Yeah, just never keep it going. Like if you were a filmmaker and you got paid a thousand dollars per second of film you'd put out lord of the rings every time you made a movie every time like even if it was like happy gilmore

it would somehow be seven hours long that's all you would do yeah that's soccer but they get paid for every minute they don't score it's's the soccer of sports. Reading is soccer. You know soccer sucks because Ryan Reynolds infiltrated that world. Exactly. He did. He became a Ted Lasso guy. The most Reddit celebrity we have in America is now their god. Besides Elon.

Besides Elon, yeah. But Elon's cool. Ryan Reynolds is really funny, dude. Who? Elon's really funny online. He's a very funny comedian. He's really funny, dude. Who? Elon's really funny online. He's a very funny comedian. He's a comic. Yeah.

Uh-huh. He's got comic tendencies. An expert troll, as always. He should come to Kill Tony. Dude, I would love if Elon hosted Kill Tony. Me too. That'd be awesome. Yeah, it'd be great if he hosted it and then he had everyone executed.

By robots. Yeah. I think Brian Redman should be the CEO of Twitter, the next CEO. That'd be awesome. Yeah, it'd be great if he hosted it and then he had everyone executed. By robots. I think Brian Redband should be the CEO of Twitter, the next CEO. If Elon ever met Brian Redband, he'd probably put him in charge or something. You're probably right. Yeah, but then he turned it into X videos. Yeah, it looks like E-bombs world immediately. Yeah, you'd walk on Twitter and i can't i want something other than pussy close-ups because red band is the guy who watches porn and like looks at a close-up picture of a pussy like it's a diamond like he puts a jeweler's loop up to his eye yeah yeah he's like yep that's

wet yeah that's a wet pussy like a diamond district guy yeah yeah holding a pussy up to the line he goes yep i want to fuck that hypothetically. But I'm glad, Devin, you spoke for me on the soccer thing because every time I've tried to bring this up, people act like I'm a complete dunce who just doesn't get it when it comes to soccer. And they also, they treat you like you're uncultured if you don't think soccer's interesting. No, we're not uncultured.

It's fucking, it's baked beans and eggs in the morning. It's blood cock or whatever they eat. Yep. I feel like I'm too, I'm too cultured. Once again. I'm too cultured to enjoy soccer. It's an outdated game. Yeah.

I've also like, I've known. It's for savages. Yeah. Because I've also known. Soccer was invented after a village was raided by a militia. They chopped everyone's arms off. And then the only thing they could do was play with their uncle's head. The Mayans did that.

They were in a big pit, right? And they would just kick a guy's head through a big circle and a hole. They did hip soccer. They did it with their hip. And there was a big hoop up on the wall. That actually kind of sounds somewhat interesting. Because don't people get killed at the end of it? Yeah, if you lost, they would cut your head off.

Yeah, that's the thing. At least something, well, at least something happens in that. Also, soccer is weird because it gets racist because it's all countries versus each other. It's all like regional. It's a nationality thing. So it gets really, it makes people very weird and nationalistic you know it's like you're not just like a guy that's like I like the cheetahs

and you're a panther fan like that we have like dumb like there's no meaning behind it it's like your country invaded mine and a rocket went through my bedroom when I was a kid exactly they're getting out all this like civil war anger through like the shittiest

game ever. So football is their paintbrush for expression, so to speak. Yeah. So I'll let them have it then. It's a hmm. It's an unsophisticated form of expression. They come here, they go, that's actually not football. No, this is football. We're changing everything around here.

Is your sport so awesome your players have to shoot themselves in the heart afterwards? Right. No? Okay. Do your family... Oh, interesting. So no soccer players

have ever killed their whole family? Never. That's kind of pathetic. Pathetic. I guess they really don't try that hard. Our players get so much

brain damage they would like join the war in Afghanistan, right? When guys retire to become Marines and then go get killed pat tillman had so much ctes like i'm gonna get shot by my own military i'm gonna go commit war crimes yeah yeah he tried to catch a bullet like it was an interception and he tried to catch catch an rpg that was whistlinging by. Yeah, you saw Rocky's like, ooh, ooh, ooh.

And it's like the NFL films, like, da-na-na-na. He was probably sniped by George Bush. No, he actually was, yeah. From a helicopter. George W. Bush, yeah, like hog hunting. He helicoptered him in, and he was like, is that the hero? Let me kill him. Like the Apocalypse Now scene. Or Full Metal Jack. Yeah, Rick Perry's just driving the helicopter. him in and he was like is that the hero kill him like the apocalypse now scene

our full metal jacket yeah Rick Perry's just driving the helicopter blasting the doors yeah fucking George Bush is like get some yeah what the fuck oh and then they bring Pat Tillman up at every event like he was an American hero

and he loved the army yeah like the guy was speaking out against the fake war. Really? By joining? I fully believe he was executed by the military. He was executed. He was executed.

You can look into it a little bit. It's pretty hairy. He was actually great. He was an awesome guy. I kind of feel bad for saying he was retarded. He joined because he was a hero. He was like, this is a bullshit war. It was like Restrepo.

He's like, the fuck are we doing? Oh, so then they killed him because... He thought it was a just war. He's like, this is a bullshit war. It was like Restrepo. He's like, the fuck are we doing? Yeah. Oh, so then they killed him because... He thought it was a just war. He was like, he's like, I love the concept of America, this country. I love the idea of duty. He went over there. This is like bullshit.

And like the second he started talking about like, this is kind of fucked up. They just... They're fucking kids. Friendly fire happened all of a sudden. The minute he started speaking a little bit about it. Friendly fire. So he got Chris Kyle'd?

I don't know. I mean, he was killed a little bit about it. Friendly Fire. So he got Chris Kyle'd? I don't know. I mean, he was killed by Friendly Fire. Wow. And it's like a lot of these guys, anyone with a brain during the Iraq war and shit, they thought they were going to bring democracy. And then they realized they're walking through villages and they're talking to a goat. And they're like, we're going to bring democracy to your village. And a goat's just like, nah, nah.

Yeah, they're like, well, I thought I was five or freedom. And then I shot a four year old in the head. Yeah. I don't know. Was that four year old? Was he the dictator of this village? I thought he was carrying a rocket,

but it was a piece of bread to feed his family. And now his head looks like soup. So am I fighting for freedom? Also, there's a Halliburton truck following my every move. Siphoning gas out of mountains. Just a bunch of boar rats are trying to blow me up with RPGs. Yeah, exactly.

What's going on? You have a tank and there's a guy going like, like shooting a slingshot at you. And then you just, you turn him into, yeah, like fucking avocado toast. Yeah, a guy calling me a Jew. I just riddled with boys

i turned him into chewing gum yeah fucking turning people into lentil soup yeah so he yeah he got friendly fired and then they said they announced on the news they go he like was in a village yeah like saving a child and some like dirty arab shot him in the head yep they completely lied about it for like three weeks. It's probably one of those kids they had chained up that they were molesting and stuff. Probably. They put the finger up to his...

Yeah. Put it in his hands. They announced he was killed by Aaron Hernandez. Yep. We didn't know. Aaron flew out there, actually, to the Middle East. No, unfortunately, he intercepted an RPG and he fell.

Yeah, he split the gap. A little too hard. Pat Tillman friendly fired into his own heart, ladies and gentlemen. Now, it's really fucking bullshit what happened to that guy.

They should have NFL announcers be like generals in wars, though. Like, if John Madden was my general over in Afghanistan and he was talking to me in a headset,

I could get the most confirmed kills ever. If he's doing play-by-plays and telling me what to do. That's true. If Bill Parcells ran your platoon. I wouldn't do that.

Guys like Mike Dicca and people like that should be generals. Joe Buck's just like, to the children, to the women, to the men. They raped them all. Touchdown. Democracy has been preserved. Yeah. John Madden's just like, all right, so what you're going to do is you're going to take out the kid. You're going to go in.

And then when you do that, the dad's going to start crying. And that's when you blow his fucking brains out. And then the wife's right there that's her pussy right there and then we just jam up in a y formation right up into her sand pussy you're like oh my god john madden jesus christ but so what so what what also happened was like john mccain and mitt romney and all these fucking retards were trying to be like no he supported the war he's a hero I think they like faked diary entries where they're like he's

he said war is good sign Pat yeah yeah and they're like showing it may forever there be a war that never ends rid him like crown with your left hand just be like we need to get this oil sign Pat peace and love and then at his funeral

I might be getting this really wrong I think like John McCain or somebody showed up with his stupid crippled arms and tried to like

yeah tried to be like no let me talk a little bit with this guy I don't know and I basically sent to die because I'm a piece of shit

yeah and that tumor should have come 30 years earlier even though I'm a war hero I'm also a piece of shit I killed a lot of young men you know he tried to speak and then they like wouldn't let him That tumor should have come 30 years earlier. Even though I'm a war hero, I'm also a piece of shit. I killed a lot of young men.

He tried to speak, and then they wouldn't let him. And then Pat Tillman's brother got fucking hammered. Because everybody was going up and being like, Pat was a hero. He loved this country. And his brother got hammered, and he went up, and he was like, Pat fucking hated you fucking guys. He had an amazing speech. That's right. Is it recorded at all? I think it's on YouTube, probably.

Is it really? I remember this a long time ago. It was an amazing speech. Yeah. He goes up it recorded at all? I think it's on YouTube. Is it really? I remember this a long time ago. It was an amazing speech. Yeah. He goes up like Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer. He's like, no lessons self-taught. Thank you very much, Pop. Thanks very much, John McCain.

John McCain. Was that his funeral? Yeah, Pat Tillman's brother funeral. Oh, brother eulogy Yeah, there you go Oh, shit Yeah Oh, this is gonna kick ass He kills it

We'll see him again Is it playing? Yep When a loving God reunites us Oh, I think I was right That's John McCain Yeah, look at him with his He got spring rolls, his hands

His fucking Wonton shoulders His fucking vermicelli body The ring rolls his hands. His fucking Wonton shoulders. His fucking Vermicelli body. I can barely lift my arms above my head to send men to die in wars. Yeah, you won't be my pallbearer. And you will see him again when a loving God reunites us just looks like a bunch of golfers

it's Augusta National they buried him behind the seventh green the memorial service should have hit a warning shot to the military you got people out there sort of speaking in these glittering generalities Pat your family doesn't have to worry anymore

because you are dead You are safe And you don't exist anymore Because heaven isn't real Pat, you are merely a pawn In our game Pat, you gave your life So that the CEO of Halliburton

Could get sucked off by another child in Thailand Is that the bitch that was married to Schwarzenegger? Yeah, Marie Shriver Marie Shriver, yeah. She's technically a Kennedy. Yeah, Kennedy. She sounds like a Kennedy. Yeah.

She's got the same face as the Terminator. I know. Can you imagine them fucking? Even trying to kiss, they're just cutting their faces up. I mean, unless that maid's in the bedroom, I don't think Schwarzenegger was ever fucking her. Schwarzenegger fucked her with a laser beam. Not be forgotten so he's about to get all fucked up

and look at him climb on stage the brutality he's like dazed and confused is that a beard? he was always giving gifts thanks Pat some Guinness I didn't write shit cause because I'm not a writer.

Fuck yeah, dude. And I just want to say it was... There's a lot of people here, thanks. It was really amazing to be his little baby brother. Yeah, I'm not just going to sit up here and break down on you, but thank you for coming. Pat's a fucking champion and always will be. Just make no mistake, he wanted me to say this.

He's not with God. He's fucking dead. He's not religious. So thanks for your thoughts, but he's fucking dead. This guy kicks ass. I don't regret any of that. I wish he was my brother. As far as what I was thinking, I was just simply miserable.

I was sad for my whole family. I was sad for my mom, my dad, Marie, Kevin. What, they cut out the part where he tells Condoleezza Rice to suck his cock? Yeah, even NFL films is like, all right, we are still CIA. All right, we're moving on. We sell a lot of beer here. This is not what these people wish to hear.

Most of our fans died in the war, so. I think he did edit out some shit he said. I think right here he might have said something. Saying that. Sad for my whole family. I was sad for my mom, my dad, Marie, Kevin. This isn't a production. It's my brother's service.

I didn't plan on saying that. It just... He's not what these people wished he was. Mm-hmm. Yep. Everyone grabbed at Pat's death. he's not what these people wished he was. Mm-hmm. Mm, yep. Everyone grabbed at Pat's death. Not necessarily just the military. Everybody grabbed at him.

They just chose the wrong family to try to do it in front of. Ah. They cut out some of his speech, I think. But yeah, that's the gist. You could tell he was ramping up. Yeah, I mean, that does rule. Yep.

Like Stanhope or something. Yeah, it's like a beautiful... Yeah, he went up there, he did no refunds. Oh, that rules. Yeah, that rules. Good for little Richard Tillman. Yeah. Richard Tillman, we love you here.

Yeah. Truly. Respect. That's amazing, man. I couldn't imagine. Couldn't imagine. To get up in front of stupid John McCain's face. Yeah. Richard Tillman, we love you here. Truly. That's amazing, man. I couldn't imagine. Couldn't imagine. To get up in front of stupid John McCain's face. Yeah.

That fucking... And say your brother's gone. He's not in heaven. He's fucking dead. Tell them all that. That's ballsy. I also do love... I know we played it a couple episodes back

because I asked for the bagpipe stuff. I love a bagpipe funeral. Me too, dude. I kept laughing during the thing because bagpipe funeral makes me laugh so much. It's always funny. It makes your death kind of just like a silly thing. I know. I love it. It's like, did he work

for the Boston Police Department? Why is this happening? It's a huge diaper with a bunch of dicks coming out of it that Scottish guys are sucking on. It sounds like shit. And it's the only thing that can make a man cry. Yeah. And they wear a skirt when they do it.

Yeah, with their dick and balls hanging out. When I die in a couple years, please have a bagpipe funeral. When I inevitably, when the view count gets too high and I can't take the pressure anymore and blow my brains out, or crash into a tree like Michael Hastings, because one too many guys called me fat on YouTube, please play bagpipes at my funeral. We will. Yeah. And then blow me up.

We will do that. Well, that was already, we were going to do that already. We already talked. We already had to talk about that. We talked with, we have life insurance on. we were going to do that already. We already talked. We already had to talk about that. We talked with, we have life insurance on him. We're going to blow you to smithereens. We've also taken out life insurance on you.

No, we've met a lawyer and made a will for you. I also love hiring a soldier of fortune guy and being like, listen, my brother, I want you to, can you blow him to smithereens?

He's like, well, normally I just, you know, sniper shot. It's quick. It's easy. He's like, no, I want a big kabo blow them To smithereens He's like well normally I just you know Sniper shot It's quick It's easy He's like no I want a big kaboom

Pieces everywhere You can do that For like five G's That's why I've heard Five grand to like Kill somebody Five is the And you can probably

Get it knocked down A little bit If you barter with them You can barter Yeah it's easy I watch true crime shit On YouTube all the time It's very easy

To have somebody killed Apparently I mean you get caught Everyone gets caught yeah they're always talking to an undercover cop yeah but yeah it's a lot of all these only fans women that keep killing their husbands or their boyfriends or whatever oh that happens all the time all the time that's what happens when you give a woman money they just can't handle it just an only fans chick that she kills like her boyfriend who's a failed running back. Yeah. That's kind of a thing where it's like prostitution where I wonder if it should just be legal.

It should. It should be behind closed doors. It's what they do. It should be government regulated. You mean killing people or the- Hiring people to kill people you don't like. Oh, yeah. That should be legal.

There should be private firms that you can go... It's like going to H&R Block to do your taxes. You can go meet with someone. I mean, that kind of is already legal, isn't it? Yeah, it already kind of is government regulated.

I realized that as I was saying. Yeah, you just need to pay $400,000. Yeah. Well, you need to be above the law. You just can't do it. Can you go on Silk Road and hire the Clintons to kill somebody for000. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you need to be above the law. Can you go and do it? Can you go on like Silk Road and like hire like the Clintons to kill somebody? Yeah. Yeah.

Hillary has a profile. It's like a task rabbit. Yeah. It's Hillary. Yeah. She shows up at a motel with like dreads. It's a fucking $5,000. She shows up to the house in the Batmobile in a tank.

She's like, alright, pimp. Who you want me to kill? Shit, you must hate him. I would kill my husband. I just made him retarded through food poisoning. Damn. My husband looks like a little ice creature with his red nose and his fucked up retard brain.

I killed so many people, my husband started raping bitches. My husband's not gonna get pussy that he raped because I killed too many bitches he fucked. It's me, Hillary Rodham ass Clint. And you know I got hot sauce in my bag, baby. That was her when she was campaigning speaking in front of like a black crowd it's weird that

charlemagne the god is the only guy in media that will ask the tough questions and make these guys uncomfortable he's the only person i've ever seen like make a politician actually uncomfortable what did he ask hillary in that thing he goes you doing that just because we're black right like he says the thing? He says the thing. He always says the thing. He pissed off Rush Limbaugh. I remember when Rush came on Charlemagne. He just asked very bluntly.

Yeah. So do you feel bad about being a racist? Yeah. Or she's like, no, I actually feel very good about it. Could I use one of your blunt lighters for the cigar? This is not a black and mild. This is a Cuban. I'm Rush. I do miss Rush Limbaugh. Yeah, I

miss how hated he was. The goat. I know. It's great when those worlds meet. It's amazing. Like when Moe Steph and Christopher Hitchens debated. What a time. What the hell? Moe Steph and Christopher Hitchens had a big like when like most deaf and christopher hitchens debated what what a time yeah yeah yeah most deaf and christopher hitchens had like a real time with bill maher most deaf looked so bad and they're talking about uh christopher hitchens country having access to nuclear weapons

yeah it was iran yeah something like that and he starts going most deaf starts it gets to that point where you've lost when you go like i I'll take that shit. I'm from Brooklyn. And then Christopher Hitchens is like, well, I'm from Cadbury, Mr. Definitely. He keeps calling him Mr. Definitely. It kicks ass. That rules you. It's very good. And he's like drinking himself to death.

He's like pickled. He has like a tumor like popping out of his fucking suit. He's like a Justin Roiland character. Yeah. He keeps pushing his liver back in. Mr. Definitely. Yeah. He has a liver hernia. Yeah. Most stuff's just getting to that point where he just starts rapping out of panicking.

He's like definitely, tragically, especially, necessary. Yeah. That was a funny moment. Well, there's just so many like those old conservative guys like Limbaugh and shit that like, you know, they used to, I don't know what they are. They're like tabloid level, you know.

Sensationalists. There's so much more to sensationalize now. Like it's like, man, what would he have done now? I know. Because every fucking day there's like a new thing conservatives are acting like is gonna ruin everything oh he would yeah hitchens would be like 2003 barry bonds right now hitchens and limbaugh like all those old guys like their brains were like built to take on how retarded everything is now but they all they're all gone now we get all these new news new dips

yeah hitchens was brilliant though yeah but he was also he was a troll because i remember he released that article where he's he released an article where he's like women aren't funny like it was the headline yeah and like literally the article was just like they're not funny sorry he's like i don't have yeah that was it it was like and this is a sign of a scientific study that's so funny yeah yeah he's like i don't have any there's no conversation he's like just he like, think of a woman. Is she funny? No. And that's it. Anyway, I'll be dying in a week.

I'm like, I'll show you. I'll write the worst article you've ever seen. Oh, Jace, by the way, what are these? Did you want to watch a Tommy Lee Jones Japanese commercial? Yeah, I saw these on Twitter. I figured these would be right up your alley. I've been dying to see this since you talked about it. Apparently, Tommy Lee Jones has done 8,000 commercials in

Japan. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. It's like Lost in Translation. Can you do the second one? The second one was the one I saw. Yeah, yeah. And that was pretty good. I'm using these headphones so I can turn a little bit easier and they keep coming out. There we go. Okay. He's like, for relaxing

times. The second one was the one I... I don't know about this one. Oh, the second one. Sorry, I'm retarded. The second one's very retarded in that Japanese way. I love this matchup. This is incredible. Hell yeah, Boss Coffee.

Tom Ille Jones. Yeah, I just love the idea of him just like, you could tell calling his wife and being like, we can buy those 300 head of cattle now. Those little yellow fellers paid me all the money. We have enough money to pay the guy to help Brett Favre saffing money from the state. Big time alcoholic, that guy. Tommy? Yeah, that guy. Tommy?

Yeah, of course. And when he met Cormac McCarthy for the first time, he said that man is a homosexual. Yeah. I love that. He said that's like everybody's story of meeting Cormac. Yeah, they just call him a big fat. Because Cormac thinks he's a cowboy,

so he's like, I'm going to hang out with Sam Shepard. And then he meets Sam Shepard. He's like, little faggot ass bitch. Because Cormac's like this'm gonna hang out With Sam Shepard And then He meets Sam Shepard He's like Little faggot ass bitch Cause Cormac's like This weird little baby Who's carrying around A typewriter And talking about death

Yeah he's like He's very strange He's 5'3 And he looks like He has progeria Yeah He looks like He's a 12 year old

Who looks 90 And he's just going Well that's a thing You know When you ride You're gonna think About death You know like

Fucking gay bitch He's the sibling In the old west That had polio Right Yes And they were like He can't even walk He's gay ride you're gonna think about death you know like fucking gay he's the sibling in the old west that had polio right yes and they were like he can't even walk he's gay he got bit by a bunch of snakes he fell in a rattlesnake den and he was down there for a few days before he crawled up out of there when he was a kid horse ate his spine so he's all fucked up cormac well word in the streets is he's been sucking off rooster cockburn. Apparently he's like super effeminate.

He can like play the guitar and he's a really good storyteller. And he's very like. He can't have any skills when you're from where he's from. But he should be hanging out with like George Saunders and like, you know, Jonathan Franzen and stuff. Jonathan Franzen and stuff. And everybody's surprised because he writes these books about these legendary great men of grit and of character that are

riding horses and traveling across the country. And he's just this huge queen. He's this huge old gay man. He's a nerd and that's his version. He's doing Dungeons and Dragons. But with cowboys and Indians. Yeah, he really is. And then the mage saw the Indian and he fucked him. Yeah, he really is. He's like, and then the mage saw the Indian

and he fucked him even though he was dead. And that's me. And that's me, I'm Kermit. I'm Kermit McCarthy, I'm gay. He's like, he walked into the saloon. His chaps were fantastic. Just seeing Tommy Lee Jones here in Japan, I would love to see a Japanese no country for old men now.

That's all I can think about. Yeah. Is he a sheriff of some county in rural Japan? No country for young women. Yeah. Yeah. He's just like he's like my daddy threw my sister into the ocean when she was only one. I think he's pretty proud of that.

I know I was. to the ocean when she was only one. I think he was pretty proud of that. I know I was. Yeah, it's just Anton going around and just killing baby female fetuses with a cattle gun. Yeah. Holding it up to a Japanese lady's belly.

Well, she goes, what the? Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I'm too embarrassed to have my little baby girl. I'm cute with a cattle gun. He's on the end of his shotgun. It's a big sushi roll instead of a silencer.

Yeah, it's a California roll. He's shooting through a California roll. It's just rice and nori. And by the way, that Anton Sugar character unchanged. Ah, Sheriff,

they ate the dog. Anton Sugar does kind of have a Japanese haircut. That's true. Llewellyn Moss wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to bring the guy a big jug of pee to drink. He drinks him a big gallon of piss. The man goes, piss-a-roo. Piss-a-roo.

I ain't got no damn piss-a-roo. Piss-a-roo. I ain't got no damn pissery I don't even want to do it but it's like you know it's like giving a kid candy I just know it makes his day the briefcase is full of shit it's just full of tentacles

human feces and tentacles. Yep. He had some sort of device on him, Sheriff. It was a big California roll on the end of a shotgun or something like that. You know, they all say that to please the don't do this. You cannot rat me go. They all say that. Please don't do this. You cannot write me code.

They all say this. Do you know what this... I don't even know what their stupid coins are in Japan. Oh, it's a... Isn't it a... I feel like it is pieces of rice that they just put on a counter. And that's their change. I don't know.

I don't know either. It's not... I was going to say yen, but that's Chinese. Yeah, that's their challenge. I don't know. I don't know either. It's not, I was going to say yen, but that's Chinese. Yeah, that's China though. Yeah, what is Japanese money? Shit.

It's probably Chuck E. Cheese. I got to look it up now. It's driving me nuts. They just trade their work hours. They go, I give you nine to five and you give me five to eight. Right.

I was going to kill myself in 30 years. I will bet you one year. It's like that shitty Justin Timberlake movie. Yeah, it's just they're over under on their suicide. That movie sucks dick. So they pay. Yeah, the About Time movie.

And they just put their Japanese hands together and transfer their suicide dates. It's called Japanese Yen. What a shitty name for a currency. But the actual coin itself. Oh, a Japanese. What is a Japanese coin called? Yeah. But the actual coin itself. Oh, a Japanese... What is a Japanese coin called? Yeah, what is Japanese coin called? Okay, this is very autistic of me

that I'm typing this in. Let me see. I was watching Japanese game shows. Oh, all right. What are Japanese coins called? Shishushin. Shishushin. Shishushin. Yeah.

That sounds about right. Yeah, that sounds... Batasin? Hmm. Yeah, they're better than shitty Canadian money. Yeah. They have like birds on it and shit. Yeah.

Tom Ridley Jones is watching. He's like, I was watching Japanese game shows. And I said, I'll be a part of this world. We went to the blowjob bar. Got sucked off with all the businessmen. You told me that's a thing. You just go to a bar and women, like you put money down on a table and then waitresses come out and just start sucking you off under the table. They're very weird, like prostitution and stuff, but they're okay with blowjobs.

So there's blowjob bars. Blowjob bars? You can get sucked off and it's legal. Does a woman put on a rubber dam or something to keep her mouth open? I'm sure it's all medical. I'm sure they, yeah. I'm sure it's like that. Some sort of like she just puts a condom around her lips

and goes down her throat? I don't know. She puts on a grill like Paul Wall. Like a football helmet? I don't know how they do it a grill like Paul Wall. Yeah. Like a football helmet. I don't know how they do it, but I've heard that they do have blowjob bars there. There you go. Knowing,

you probably pet a cat. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Their regular bars I always feel like are weird as hell. Any video I've seen of a Japanese bar,

it's a guy with his, he's got a pompadour this tall. He looks like Doug Dimmadum. He's always cutting a diamond out of a piece of ice and just spraying ice shards everywhere yeah yeah and then he drops into guys he goes if i supposedly by the way if you live in japan to conduct business you have to prep your liver for business meetings because they drink so hard you really have to hang with those guys

you'll just yeah you'll die you literally die. You'll get alcohol poisoning. We had... At our university, there were foreign exchange students. Is that what you call them? Foreign exchange? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Foreign exchange.

I don't know if that's offensive or not. Why are they called exchange? Like, we, like, trade somebody for them? Like, it's Brittany Griner for the Russian guy. Yeah. I never quite got that. I'm not sure either. I think it is a trade thing.

I think we send, like, a shitty white guy to Japan. Oh, guy we say oh we have like a limit yeah and he gets murdered by whatever host family he has yeah yeah yeah and then we're like okay well he sucked he wanted to go to japan at 16 so clearly he was desperately trying to get pussy from a tiny japanese girl yeah and so we don't care you killed him we'll send back your your guy who became the mascot of the school but they don't treat him like a person right i had i had a white friend who went to japan for a two-week vacation and he tried to get pussy the whole time and he failed yeah he actually failed that's yeah really that's really sad yeah i thought all you had to do to get pussy in other countries just like not beat the women or like all you do is like smile and they're like oh wow yeah i don't have that

here there i guess they're conditioned oh wow I don't have that here I guess they're conditioned I don't know it might be weird it might be like trying to get a bird to eat out of your hand it's just terrified of you they're too scared maybe but what were we talking about Japan the exchange student oh yeah so the

Japanese and just the Asian students in particular they all stuck together, obviously, because it's hard for them to speak. And it's just, you know, people stick together. Yeah. It's not like... And also, it's a very racist place that we lived.

Yeah. You know, they're in West Texas. Yeah, it was for comfort, but also safety a little bit. Yeah, sure. Yeah. But they... I didn't expect them to have friends named Cletus their first week. Sure.

No, they stuck together. They formed a big Megatron to walk from class to class. Literally, we saw trucks going around campus that had huge Confederate flags waving out the... Like the stars and bars fucking... Yeah, yeah. There was a guy in our high school who had the rebel anthem.

He had like Dixie as a horn on his big truck. Like Dukes of Hazzard? More like American History X. Oh, that song. I remember he was running after kids in P.E. and chasing them with his truck. And they're in school

and he's chasing them down with this huge fucking rolling coal and kids are getting sucked under and shit. But he's just going Guys so racist, he listens to rap music because he thinks black people are calling themselves the N-word. I don't know what everyone's problem with this shit

is. They say it to themselves, brother. That fucking rules. Because they say it with like an A, but I get it. I imagine the R. I imagine the R. I say the ER in my brain.

It's my favorite music. They keep saying it. They call themselves that when they get a new car, go to the club. They know what's up. They know what's up. They don't know the R yet.

They ain't that far in the alphabet. They ain't as smart as me. They don't know the R. Their tongues, because they can't, from the clicking noises, they can't make the R sound on the end. They think it's between you and me. Yeah, they think it's like. But, I mean, I was drunk every night, and I drunk and drove, and I'd go to class drunk,

and I was the top 0.1% of heavy, heavy, heavy, heavy party drinkers at my school. Yeah. I was going to go to an Asian party one night after I had already been at like three parties. And some dude like stopped me. He's like, bro, you don't want to go there. He's like, it's fucked up. I was like, what do they do there? He's like, you can't hang with them.

Like you're going to get, you're going to leave immediately. Because apparently what he described to me what they do i don't know if this is true but they uh they would like just be in a room kind of with a big trash can and they would drink so hard to the point that they would all projectile vomit into the trash can and then immediately just keep drinking and keep throwing up over and over again that was the idea of a house party is they and this guy might have been i want to say i've never heard xenophobia more in a story yeah in my life you could also go that guy go hey how many holes are in a woman's pussy and he's like i don't know

so you thought of the jap that they were gonna everyone was gonna vomit i've heard i've heard asian students the the way they drank especially in college they drink to the point where they throw which i've drank to the point where i would do edward 40 hands where i would chug i would try to chug two 40s and like probably my record time was probably around 10 or 11 minutes which isn't great i know everybody's judging me in the comments now, but I can get 80 ounces of malt liquor in my stomach within 10 or 11 minutes. If you do it that quick, you are going to throw up. If you don't throw up,

which you can learn to hold it down, you are going to feel very, very shitty. The thing you do is you take two fingers and you stick them all the way in the back of your throat and you start wiggling them this, like this, like a dancing man with your throat and you start wiggling them this, like this, like a dancing man with your fingers and you just

hold it in the back of your throat. You keep going. You throw up on your hand and the reason you throw up on your hand is you don't take it out. You got to leave it

so you keep going and projectile vomit everything. But apparently, what I have been told is that the Asian students would just keep and then I would keep

drinking after that but they would do drinking after that. But they would do it constantly. That was their idea of, let's drink 80 beers somehow. And then we're just going to... You drink to throw up was the concept. Got you. Right. But from what I've heard about being in Japan, they go so hard, we can't even comprehend

how hard they drink. Their company men do go hard. We know that because I've seen pictures of them just like crumpled up. Yeah. Like it's like the like the head of like Viacom Japan. And he's just like in the subway tracks like fucking. Yeah. Like a family guy falling out of a tree guy.

Like Peter after he was killed like beaten by the chicken. Yeah. Like arms like that and fall fucked up and shit. Yeah. It's Peter when he fell down the stairs and bit the guy. Yeah, Asian business guys are just, like, paper bags in, like, you know, cities. They're just blowing around. Getting caught in, like, car windshield wipers and shit. I imagine on the subway, it's like you just step over them like a dead spider.

Oh, there's a guy sweeping them with a broom into a big pile. They sleep in webs. They just stick them. They go, here you go. You sleep it off. I think I could fucking, in my prime though, I like to think I could hang with one of the Japanese businessmen. But the reality is I probably would just wake up in a really cold river somewhere. Yeah, both of your kidneys are gone.

Yeah, your body's shutting down. Yeah, I would come to and I'm floating down a river, like approaching a waterfall in Japan. Like you're Moses. You're in Egypt somehow. Yeah, you just hear guys go, there's people

running down the shore, like there's people on the side just beating you with sticks. Just like swinging as hard as they can. Oh, God. That's another weird thing, an unspoken thing I feel about. I feel like if I went over a waterfall, I would survive. Yeah, I totally get that.

I've told you this. I think we all have that ego. Yeah. I told you this I think we all have that like ego yeah I told you that before like if I'm like in a I do have this kind of belief if I'm in a shooting

I'm like I just wouldn't get shot in a mass shooting in a mass shooting I have those thoughts when people die you have to tell yourself you know

like anxiety based like well that wouldn't I would not come on well he must have said something yesterday when somebody dies he must have had a weird thought.

I don't have those thoughts. Like he did it to himself. Yeah, when I see on the news like 40 bodies piled at the mall, I have to tell myself in my head that they're just going, and I would simply duck. I mean, in reality, the guy would walk up behind me and blow. In reality, we'd be the first to die. Yeah, exactly.

He'd pick me to start his shoot. In reality, we'd be the first to die. Yeah, exactly. He'd pick me to start his shooting. In reality, we'd be sitting at a Cheesecake Factory balcony, and we'd be saying, dude, that's not me, though. Those people died because they were thinking wrong, and then I get shot right in the head. Shot three in a row, like a Three Stooges thing. He uses my head as a silencer for the rest of his massacre.

That's how embarrassing my death was. You'd be the human shield against the police. My body saved him. He's holding you up. He holds me up and I'm riddled with bullets. You're still alive somehow. And you're just screaming. I'm alive for the whole thing.

And then at the end he walks up to me, calls me a faggot, and finally executes me. Yeah you're dying like RoboCop in the first 20 minutes. Just blowing your hand off and explodes. I actually I think I know how I would survive mass shootings. I think every time I go out now I'm gonna

look like I've already been shot. Like I'm gonna dress really shitty and cover myself in blood. Yeah like just nurse a wound. Yeah. Yeah. So like they don't. So as soon as firing happens, I just drop on the floor and I look like one of the casualties. And then once the cops show up, I just stand up and just like, hey, brush my clothes off.

Like who? Yeah. So I have another. Or, you know, and then they're immediately shooting starts again. You walk you going around the mall with a ghillie suit on. Yeah. So you can turn into a bush. Yeah.

I'd, it'd be like one of those Acme things though, where you'd have to have button and it like envelops you. Well, no, I have to have like, you know, the Acme tunnel where they think they're running into a tunnel on the side of the mountain.

Do I know about the Acme tunnel? You know, you know about the, in the, in like a Wiley coyote, he thinks he's running through a tunnel, the side of the mountain. Do I know about the Acme Tunnel? You know about the... In like Wile E. Coyote, he thinks he's running through a tunnel, but it's a painting of a tunnel. I'd have to do that with bullet holes where from a certain angle,

it looks like you can see my beating heart and stuff. You would... Or I'd paint them on. Or you would have to... You'd see a shooting starting, and you'd be like, fuck. And then you'd pull it down and shoot yourself in the ribs.

And then just lay down and be like... He's he's like oh i guess i fucking got that guy already shit or you could just dress up like you're gonna do a mass shooting but you never do and it's like an open carry state and then when it does start the guy looks over he's like oh i just back up kate like he thinks yeah you're helping dude hell yeah hell yeah like it's an online video game he's like dude he just spawned right here but you're helping dude hell yeah hell yeah like it's an online video game he's like dude he just spawned right here but you're just like shooting blanks yeah yeah my favorite is um the clips of a shooter getting shot immediately is my favorite have you seen that church in texas no yeah there's one it's like a shooting it's like gun taxes or something

and this guy this guy walks into a church that looks like it's for slugs like slugs go to the church and he opens up he shoots one guy and then a guy from across the church like an 80 year old man pulls out his fucking side piece and just across the top of like 80 year old woman he just don't and you see the guy's like head explode jesus really and he just falls down yeah that that's great i bullet these are actual bulletproof clothes yeah you can just wear bulletproof clothes now it's illegal i just looked it up they have hoodies that are bulletproof yeah dude yeah i mean they cost like six hundred dollars it must weigh a lot right like it's yeah i might just get one of these get an eleven hundred dollar hoodie just you're

sweating constantly just so you can survive in america for when you want to live to be called fashionable okay anyone that gets this one the leather jacket one if you buy this you're getting put on a list yeah that is pretty cool though yeah it kicks out that's one review very average my vest is less bulky yeah that's that's for the the guy that that's for the pickup artist that also is afraid to die in a mass shooting i'm like do you do you have a bulletproof top hat yeah with big goggles on it i can wear this is the three-piece suit yeah so you can go to a jordan peterson show exactly yeah exactly you want to go see jpb live but you don't want to risk being in

the next uh you don't want to risk being another number i gotta piss my dick off i'm gonna go to the bathroom oh yeah go take a wow I had no idea they sold regular looking clothes that are bulletproof and they come in red it's like a bulletproof thong man you got everything here the shooting Jace was talking about it was literally in Texas it was literally like in

cut and shoot Texas it's called like a town it's called like fatality Texas I think there's literally a town it's called like like fatality texas yes i think it's i think there's literally a town called cut and shoot hold on cut and shoot yeah i'm not wrong cut and shoot texas you know that verner herzog documentary into the abyss the one about the death penalty about the kids doing the murders i think it i think uh cut and shoot is involved this is actually the town is called cut and shoot or it's a it's an area that they've just named Cut and Shoot,

kind of like the killing fields of Texas. I'm looking at the Google Maps to see. Because there's the Texas killing fields, but that's just the name. It's not like they named it the killing fields. No, it's outside Conroe, Texas. Yeah, it's called. Wow.

I think that's where the kids dumped the bodies in that Werner Herzog documentary. It's near like Austin? It's outside Conroe, which is like if you go north of Houston, you go through the woodlands and shit, and then you go through Conroe. Houston's so dark. So much sex trafficking in Houston. Houston is such a bad place.

God, there's always just like giant ships pulling up full of like shrimp and women. Dude, do you think we can, Jace, do you think we can actually watch the... You think we can watch the Texas church shooting? I don't see why not. Obviously, we can't watch the really bad one. It's not actually that graphic because it's kind of far away.

Also, while he's looking that up, Houston, I think, has the highest sex trafficking capita. In the country, I think. After, I think, Washington, yeah. After, I think, Washington, D.C., which is very funny. Oh, of course. Yeah, well, they're not going to let... They've got to still try.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's Newt Gingrich and Big Lurch. Those are the people fucking kids. This is it? Yeah, it's fucking Mike Jones. Oh, this is great footage. Church's livestream, you know. funny this is like this looks exactly like what we grew up going exactly this was our type of yeah you just go to you for nine hours a week you go to a place for old people

like i wonder if i can get that kid to stop masturbating by making him think his head's gonna explode isn't it funny this is what churches look like now. Everybody's over the age of 80. Yeah, because you have to have dementia to believe in God anymore. Your brain has to be full of tumors. Yeah. Okay, let's see this. I think it's top left, Jace, right? Yeah, it's top left.

An armed gunman is seen standing up and speaking to a nearby churchgoer here suddenly he pulls out a weapon and opens fire on two men boom hell yeah that guy kicked ass immediately takes him down that rules yeah that kicks ass

dude you know that guy was like yeah finally they're all pulling their guns out now gun gun gun oh every pew has a gun underneath it you can just pull out that i think that uh lady has a gun there yeah the preacher pulled out a gun like out of the bible that he's reading from somebody yeah a fucking navy seal rose out of the baptismal pit out of the water like it's apocalypse now. So he's literally talking. He gets one shot off two, and then that guy immediately domes him. Dude, yeah, from like 40 feet away.

From across the fucking church. Across the heads of people. It was so cool. A great shot. Nobody's even going up to the injured person. They're just all going up to the guy with the gun. They're like, what a shot. Yeah, they're like, can I shake your gun, Sam?

Shake your gun. Can I just, what a shot. Yeah, they're like, can I shake your gun, Sam? Shake your gun. Can I just hold your gun for a second? Can your gun sign this vest? Right. And they go, all right, now we're all going to get a chance to shoot the gunman. Just form a line. We ask you let the old people go first. Can I shake your gun?

Can I shake your gun, sir? God. That was great. You know they definitely returned the service right after. Oh, yeah. The cop dragged the body out like it was a bear they killed. Right. And the preacher's like, he's like, and you know, James 316 says, and the Lord shall smite thee who is gay and retarded.

Much like the gentleman that we just dome shot it. By the way, you know if a woman had killed them they would have shamed her a woman is supposed to be silent in the church it says leviticus a woman cannot shoot in church that is a man's role marianne shot her before we had we got to hear what he had to say and that is a sin yeah marianne got lucky she accidentally dropped the gun or something i guess there's no way she just domed him yeah he was killed but we're gonna we're gonna And that is a sin. Yeah. Marianne got lucky. She accidentally dropped the gun or something, I guess. There's no way she just domed him. Yeah, he was killed, but we're going to give this murder to the floor.

Her gun fell. We're going to turn it to the floor. Oh, it was in New Brunsville. He was killed, but at what cost? At what cost? We hadn't heard what he was about to say. Yeah, New Brunsville's Texas. Outside. Yeah, New Bronzeville, Texas. Outside of

Austin, right? Austin, yeah. Interesting. We used to go floating on the river down there. This is the one where the mass shooter killed like 27 people. We're thinking of a different Texas shooting where the guy was super successful. There was a shooting in New Bronzeville that killed 27 people. Oh, you don't remember that one? The guy went through and he killed the entire small congregation

at this place. What, was Homestate closed? I mean, I know they have a long way. He's like, Bucky's every pump was full. You can always get a breakfast taco in the next day. This one, worshippers in the... Why do they do a... YouTube is trying to do this where they police everything.

No, they... And they do a content youtube is trying to do this where they police everything they do context there's context there's everyone has to have the fact the real the truth and then it's like from fake truth.com yeah i don't know where this is it doesn't say and then i guess it thinks it's the sutherland springs one which it's not, but whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's just, you know. Some dumb old church in Texas. But it was in like, you know, white man Texas or something. Yeah, yeah. I get it. There's always those cases where two guys try to rob a gun store and get turned into a band-aid.

You probably have a better chance of infiltrating a police station than you do a West Texas church. You walk into a police station brandishing a gun, they'll give do a West Texas church. You walk into a police station brandishing a gun, they'll give you a job. Yeah. They'll grab the gun and go, alright, let's point this at this fellow over here in the handcuffs. Son, you're brash and we like it. They just kind of gently

move your gun. They go, now son, son, son, here you go, right to Jamal's head there. Alright, I get what you're doing now you got our attention you want to fill out some paperwork to join the force you just pull a gun on a cop and he goes great form love the way you're holding that

thing great trigger discipline the little targets they shoot on they've added afros to them you pull a gun on a like an afro and a pic. Yeah, it's a silhouette, but clearly the pants are sagging. It's a 1970s black person.

Yeah. Like a pimp from Taxi Driver. Sure. Yeah, the gun is a lollipop hanging out of the barrel. It looks like a jaded pimp. Do you guys feel... I guess we can kind of end on this because...

Yeah, I think the Lakers game is about to start pretty soon. We're past the hour. Oh, that's okay. That's not... I mean, I just wanted to catch the main chunk. Yeah, the NBA doesn't matter anymore. If I miss the tip off, I don't watch personally.

Not one of those fair weather fans. Uh, fucking, do you guys feel safe at all around female cops? No, not at all. No, no.

What do you see? A fat woman with like a short haircut who's like supposed to be protecting your life. I never feel like I never feel good about that at all I'd rather have a guy I'd rather have the most racist guy I'd rather have a 5,000 pound man than like a because also the best female

cop of all time I'd rather have a cop in a rascal scooter also when the female cops are attractive they're just killing machines they just they kill everybody in their way that girl in LA who's like a playboyboy model there's just all these hot cops in l.a that just like they come to like shooting like a immigrant in the street you can't trust them because they're protecting they have goods like they're too they know they're valuable to society as a hot woman they're also doing it for not genuine reasons

like unless they're just this unless they look like francis mcdormand right you know like they need to look like fucking they need to have like a weathered face look like a woman who shits in a bucket in a van yes you make a good point because it's like if a cop was a brink security truck like it had eight eighty thousand dollars on you know because you're hot and people, you know, criminals want to rape you. It's like, you know, would you be comfortable if you were in a war and you looked over and there was a PT cruiser next to you as a tank? That's a woman cop. Okay, well, this brings me to my next question. Would you feel comfortable with a very gay man who's a police officer?

100%. They're very spiteful. They're catty. They want to get nothing more done than to kill their enemy. They hate enemies. Gay guys are insane. Gay guys are absolutely insane. The police should just be gay guys. They wouldn't even kill the suspect.

They would get the suspect to kill themselves. Yes, exactly. They'd just be like, I mean, where your life is heading, I just don't know. It seems like you're a mess. You don't look good. You don't have anything going on. Yep. And they just slide the gun over you. They just call him, yeah, just call him Drab, and he'd just kill himself.

You're honeying someone to die. Exactly. Honey. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's kind of a miracle the queer eye guys like help people's lives randy rainbow should be the chief of police in lapd it would fix everything yeah if he was just doing show tunes every day problem women cops would be a lot better if they didn't think of themselves as cops and they just thought of themselves as regular women that showed up and

then they they would neutralize the situation better, because people would be like, what the fuck? This is a man's date. Like, a guy, like, holding people hostage would be like, what's this bitch yapping? And then he'd get in an argument with her, just like his wife, and then you could come in and take them, but instead the female cop pretends that they're, like, a real person, a part of all this. So female cops should only be undercover cops. They should show up and just nag you to death.

Oh, yeah. Like, a female cop, they're not even assigned weapons. be undercover cops. They should show up and just nag you to death. Oh yeah, like a female cop, they're not even assigned weapons. They're like, oh, they don't need a gun. It's a waste of taxpayer dollars. It's their memory. They just remember everything you said the last three weeks. What you agreed to. In a state of cognitive dissonance.

Just in a dissociative state. They get you in an argument where you approach them asking for an apology and somehow you're apologizing. Yeah, the criminal will be like, this bitch has pivoted the argument 40 times. Yeah. It's not about that.

She's like, well, it has to be about it. It has to. He goes, he puts the gun down. He's like, let me think. He's like, all right, time out, time out. Time out, time out. Then you swarm. Then you arrest them.

Because he's just going like, all right, so last Christmas we were at a mom's house. So before I paid for the rental and then like, I mean, it's a serious thing. What's your fucking. Because he's just going like, all right, so last Christmas we were at a mom's house. So before I paid for the rental. And then like, I mean, it's a serious thing. What's your fucking co-worker's name again? Yeah. Shit.

No, that's an old co-worker's name. Fuck. That's her assistant manager. The criminal's like, I never said I would agree to that. When did I agree to go to the swap meet? Sir, come with me. Sir, come with me. And he's like, fuck, I was just about to do a mass shoot and this bitch showed up.

They wouldn't even need handcuffs. They can make a man do anything they want. They're in complete control. Yeah. Women cops aren't trying to save the day because if they were, they'd be showing their pussy. Yeah. They'd show up and literally use all.

Flash the guy. They would use what they have. Flash him. But they don't care if they save the day. They should lay in the cruiser with their pussy out and allow criminals to just get in like a lobster cage. Just like lowering in. They should be the bait, basically.

Like a raccoon trap. Also, what is the percentage of cops that really save the day anyway? Even men. Here and there. We have great footage of shooters getting taken down here and there but it's like for the most part cops show up after a tragedy and they provide like the victim's mother paperwork but like sorry about your son man but can you do this book report for me yeah they kind of just harass traumatized people they show up after the fact and they provide paperwork to a bunch of people that are like well we wish you were here there's

always those clips of like that guy it's like look at the cop like he crossed up a three-year-old on the playground then it's like i think there was one where was a cop going like look at he shot a jay with the three-year-olds and they cheered yeah and then like two months later he shot that three i think i saw that yeah they're like he killed little jamal he is gone well yeah well yeah what are you gonna do patreon.com slash lemon party that's what you're gonna do

that's where we go we go pro cop on the patreon yeah all the blue lives matter stuff that's paywall yeah you gotta pay for that type of shit

yeah yeah all the guys from the south we made fun of we talk about how great they are but not paywall.

How cool. That is true. How cool we think they are. Sometimes I do feel like a cuck for making fun of people from the South because it's easy or whatever. And there's also cool things about people from the South, but I guess we just make fun of everybody. We also make fun of trans people in LA.

Also, when we do the Southern thing, that's a highly specific subsect. Not the subsect, the majority. But there's people that are cool, of course. I've met a ton of and I love those retards. Everything we say, we don't really mean. Once again here, keep this in mind. Everything we say means nothing.

We're not leaving this like, yeah, I fucking hate this. I don't care. I say everything all day. Yeah, Devin's right. I start the morning. I do hate soccer, though. I end every day with a new,

I'm like, I have a new ideology. Kind of, yeah, honestly. I've gotten into arguments. I'm like, oh, I guess this is my ideology now. We'll go with that. You made some good points. Anyway, I'm going to eat. I like food and TV. I don't give

a shit. Oh, the five people are conservative? I guess I'm the fucking liberal gay guy now. Guess so. Or vice versa. I have a very strict dogma unlike you two. You live by the Bushida code. The samurai code.

I read The Art of War. The only book I've ever read is The Art of War, and I talk about it all the time. You're the guy who goes, this reminds me just of The Art of War, and it's like you've ruined yet another social situation in your life. You've destroyed yet another bridge in friendship,

and you're like, I have the high ground. You're really just Paulie Walnuts. Yeah. I don't know again. Son to Zeus said. That's Son Zoo, Paulie.nuts. I don't know. Sun to Zeus and that's Sun Zoo, Paul. Sun Zoo, you fuck. Okay.

Devin, hate watch pod. Jace at Sad Drawings by Jace. We were going to make a sketch last week, but unfortunately had to cancel. Our legendary director of photography, Kevin Daly, unfortunately fell ill. Yeah. He had COVID. So what are you going to do? It's not like we didn't do it

because we care about COVID, but it was like he was sick sick. He was actually sick. He texts us, he's like, we have COVID, and we're like, so you're coming, right? We were like, yeah, so what, you believe in the plandemic? Yeah. That's what I said to him. He's like, no, I'm actually sick. I'm like, alright, fake or whatever. Yeah, sure. Get well soon,

I guess. I texted him, rest in piss, bozo. Yeah, the James Worthy gif. Which I send anytime somebody dies. Somebody I know personally. Yeah. I have to send the James Worthy rest in piss bozo gif. Yep.

Okay. So patreon.com slash lemon party. All the paywalled content is there yeah get behind the live streams too ben and i having some fun jace is probably going to come on next week i'll probably i'll probably join in a couple months who knows you know jace might be there three four months from now yep uh we put all the live streams after a day we do them every wednesday 4 p.m pacific standard time 7 p.m eastern standard time We go about 4 hours And then we put that behind After a day we put that on the Patreon

So then you get those there too So alright everybody God bless good luck and good night Good night and good luck I don't know what do you think I fucking look into things Also fuck Pat Tillman And also at the end of the day He was a fucking coward