lemonparty - 032: Chipotle Heist

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

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🎵 Chesting check. Okay, we're recording now. I have the... Is it okay that I just have the masters on? Yeah, that's fine. Should I change it to something else? Sure. Yeah. You still have the white masters, so it's okay.

Yeah, good. I love how they do call it the masters. You have the masters where everybody still looks like they pre-com when they fuck their wife. Just a bunch of virgins. We are the masters. You have like Davis Love III and Ben Crenshaw. Okay, I did a sweet face. Do it.

We're going to watch Ben Crenshaw. This is the year Ben Crenshaw won. This is 95. This is when Ben Crenshaw won after Harvey Pienik passed. Ben Crenshaw was like one of the best golfers in the world and he looked like he collected those little figurines of the kids playing naked. You know what I'm talking about? The Hommels?

Hommels, yeah, exactly. He had little tchotchkes that he bought his wife and just sat on a table. Maybe I'm just describing my grandnanny. I don't know. Devin, you know my grandnanny. Oh, yes, all of her tchotchkes. That's me. Hey.

Hey, it's Devin. Look at that. Look at him go. Never gets old. That's me. Hey. Hey, it's Devin. Look at that. Look at him go. Never gets old. That's me. I'm Jace. How long are they going to expect bad to do that every episode? How long you think?

How long you got? I hated doing it after like the third one. You know, if you were to post just the soy face like just on Instagram, you'd have like

a billion followers overnight. Those would go viral. Yeah, probably. Testing check. Alright, we're good. What does this guy do in golf where he just wears like a white outfit and holds that up? That's all he does?

Yeah, he's the slave. They do have to. It's such a slave-driven sport. You have a guy carrying all your shit. Interesting. Yeah, I i mean you get it that's yeah that's why i ruled devon's got it i think devon would have been uh great at golf he already understands the ethos yeah i get it of it at its at its core you get it it's it's about slavery yeah it does it's a big yeah it's a scots irish game and it's about slavery. Yeah, it does. It's a big, yeah. It's a Scots-Irish game, and it's about slavery.

You tell me you wouldn't love having a middle-aged man to just be like, pick that up. I would. I wish I was a fucking golfing slave owner. Be like, give me a candy bar. Make it snappy. So what did Chick-fil-A do today, Ben? Do you know about this? Chick-fil-A? Well, yeah, I saw...

Okay, let me pull up on my Twitter, because this... Do you see the thing about... Oh, fuck. The tranny semen? Hold the fuck up. Oh, sorry. I don't know if this is going to be on YouTube or not, so I don't know if we can say that word. What, about an engine part very good devin very good i don't have to bleep it there's always a way out

there's always a way out i'm every race and i'll fucking say anything to get out of it fuck you all we're we're talking engines here so what happened with that stupid tranny? This is a Car Talk podcast. Here, I shared it. Is this how you saw it? It was pretty good. No, I just saw it randomly on Twitter. He's like the owner of Chick-fil-A's like renouncing white people or something? Chick-fil-A just hired a VP of diversity, equity, and inclusion.

This is bad. Very bad. I don't want to have to boycott. Are we going to have to boycott? It's only a matter of time until they start putting tranny semen in the frosted lemonade at this point. So I guess someone was on Chick-fil-A's website

for some reason. Kill that man. Who the fuck goes to Chick-fil-A's website? Imagine reading that. You're just like committed to be on. Okay, maybe I'll try Chick-fil-A's website? Imagine reading that. You're just like committed to be, okay, maybe I'll try Chick-fil-A someday. Yeah, so they hired a diversity guy.

Is this him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eric McReynolds. Are we at the point where if a company hires a black guy, it's immediately like a diversity hire? It's kind of going full circle now where they're just not going to hire black people because people will be like,

you're just forcing it. You're woke. Yeah, it's not merit-based. This guy's like, I thought I was the CPA. I mean... They're like, you're the diversity guy. Yeah. He looks like a Gus Fring type of guy.

I would trust him with my business. He looks like an AI black guy to put on a website. I'll be honest with you, okay? I like knowing black people are involved in my chicken sandwich. Is that a wrong thing? Devin, that's fair. Is this, we have to throw a big fit over this? He's there to make the chicken better.

Oh, no. It makes me wonder if something was actually afoot at Chick-fil-A. Because people are up in arms about this, right? People are bringing their AR-15s to Chick-fil-A. They're standing outside. They're in their Broncos with their rebel flags circling. It's the walls of Jericho. They're eating their wife's pussies outside Chick-fil-A.

In protest. To show them what cool sex is like. It keeps happening, this type of shit. Imagine though, if they're mad about that, imagine if Chick-fil-A is like,

hey, we crunched some numbers this year, we're gonna have to do away with Chick-fil-A sauce. We're disbanding the Chick-fil-A sauce.

It's too, I mean, they would start burning them to the ground. It would look like George Floyd 2020 Minneapolis.

Yeah. They would burn every Chick-fil-A to the goddamn ground. They have another thing coming if they think people are actually going to boycott Chick-fil-A.

That too. It's never going to happen. It's too good. Nobody cares. I mean, didn't they like kill a gay, they hate gay people and people kept eating them

they still they made matthew shepherd into a sandwich and people were fine with it every fucking week it's like a new conservative thing of people being like pissed off about a diversity hire conservatives think like planes are just crashing because they like started hiring like black pilots like they think there's like all these diversity hires and so like planes are just crashing now because like the city girls are flying it sure you know they think like cardi b's up there no the the i'm i'm okay with having a black pilot i mean they never take off on time but i mean you know they always have to stop at their cousins for gas yeah yeah we gotta stop at ray rays real quick all right we're landing in uh birmingham quick. We got a layover at Ray Ray's.

Yeah, you're putting a pitbull into the overhead compartment. Sir, that pitbull will that fighting dog will not fit in there. Yeah, you might have seen that the neon has been ripped out from under the bottom of our plane. Well, now I haven't seen Soul Plane, so now I don't know if we're just doing

that movie. We're writing Soul Plane right now. We're writing Soul Plane so now I don't know if we're just doing that movie we're writing Soul Plane right now we're writing Soul Plane 2 the pilot's just like got her she's playing music on her phone in a cup they're doing show time on the plane knocking out just Asian doctors

who they're having to drag out of the plane this is not gonna go anywhere this Chick-fil-A bullshit. Nobody cares. No. The sandwiches are too good. Like I said, they were hating gay people in like 2022, so they can get away with anything they want. They're good. Yeah, but did you see the guy who tweeted, I was telling you earlier, the guy who tweeted the tranny semen

thing. Oh, this guy? Yeah. Yeah, go to his page. A bunch of people. Joey Manorino? Yeah. He's like, they're putting tranny semen and page a bunch of joey manorino yeah he's like they're putting tranny semen and then a bunch of people i mean i don't know he looks like he fucks george santos that's what he looks like this is him you you know like liberace had that gay guy that he made surgically look like him that's him for george he does look like george santos exactly yeah um he tweeted they're gonna put tranny semen in the...

And then somebody went through his Twitter. And you can search by a word. And they searched just tranny semen. And he tweeted about... He can't stop with the tranny semen. With the Bud Light stuff. He's like, I guess they're going to put tranny semen in the Bud Light. It's like, dude, what are you up to?

He tweeted it like 80 times. So if you go to his apartment, there's just buckets labeled tranny semen. That he's just eating like glue. He can't stop talking about tranny semen. See, just eating like glue he can't stop talking about tranny semen exactly this is literally every single day though yeah wow the burlington coat factory has tranny semen and the burlington sales of tranny semen are down oh this is this is very strange it's still made but tranny semen tranny semen tranny they've only gone back like four or five days here.

Yeah, you know, if this guy farts, it looks like the hallway scene in The Shining, but with cum. This guy farts and he has to change his diaper. It's a cum flood. Yeah, this guy farts. Classic cum flood. You have to build an arc if this guy takes a shit.

There's a storm coming like you've like you've never seen there's a gay guy gonna shit a bunch of cum out of his ass i tell you yeah yeah it's just very funny the guy it just never fucking stops it never stops dude he has a picture with trump it's like hilarious everyone gets a picture oh jesus christ that you're Everyone gets a picture with Trump. Jesus Christ. I'm going to have to timestamp that. Was that trans versus penis? To find this, I typed in tranny semen on Twitter. Took you to a bunch of

Ian Fidance videos. That was... I'm going to have to remember to edit that out or we're gonna be in big time trouble. It's amazing how accessible Trump is. Like, every single person has a picture with him. He's like a mall Santa. Did you see him after DeSantis announced

that he was running on Twitter Spaces? Yeah, he posted that video that was like making fun of the Spaces. Yeah, yeah. You're just like, he's the goat, dude. He're just like he's just he's the goat. He's just unbelievable. He just rules. It's just nonsense.

All he does is win. Because that's when he loses. He caught. Which he won. Which he won though. The Dominion voting. Don't even get me started

on the Phoenix voting system. Oh I know. Okay. It's fine. Shh Devin. I don't want to have another big rant on my hand.

Take your blood pressure medicine. They're going to start putting tranny semen in the voting machines. You know about this ballot harvesting? They're harvesting the ballots. Anybody that takes blood pressure medication, they take it with liquor, right? Anyone that has to take stuff like that.

You have to, yeah. You have a little water glass like Devin has, but it's filled with Jameson. You open up your Lipitor and you pour it in your drink like bitters. Right, right. If you take it without hard liquor, it just passes through you like corn. You just

shit out a pill shaped like a triangle. Yeah. I think the last time I was in, one of the last times I was in Texas, I went to a Chick-fil-A, and everyone was so goddamn nice. They're the nicest people ever. They're nice here. They're great here, but especially in the conservative states, it's like the Freemasons.

They have some silent, unspoken thing. Because I guarantee you the whole equity thing with Chick-fil-A, there's probably an asterisk at the bottom about everything about equality and everything. At the bottom it says we're absolutely excluding gay people from this thing. Yeah, yeah. Everybody except gay. If you read

the fine print, it's like it's a white equity officer. Yes. I've also, by the way, I've never been to a Chick-fil-A and someone's like,'s a white equity uh officer yes i've also by the way i've never been to a chick-fil-a and someone's like do you want extra potty no and gay people are excellent uh customer service people you think i i'd have one gay guy on rollerblades slinging chicken sandwiches out there they are sometimes they like let the gayness they think like it's a shield and they can get away with more because they're gay I've seen Theater Kid gay

you ever had like a gay flight attendant oh sure I mean every time I've flown a plane yeah I mean they're great but there's something they're a little too free

for me I'm like alright but you're at work here okay let's act professional just like don't sass me you know

in a funny way yeah yeah they start a conversation with you they're just like me and my husband you know he loves that movie and I'm like alright I i don't want to get your hands away from me

you're dirty don't touch my leg i hate that i'm breathing your air right now i know this is recycled gay hair i hate you uh yeah just being gay is just you already you're kind of funny like if you act gay people just say people know people just say you're funny yeah and he's like not a trope in film but a lot of times they're not even a funny person they're just literally gay but then you're an out you're like a homophobe if you say like yeah gay people are funny right they're fucking weird and funny right because to identify yourself as gay, you are a comedic character.

Yeah. Like if you decide to be that type of gay. It's like if you had to be gay, you started talking like Todd Berry all of a sudden. Right. You'd be like, oh, that's a funny way to say things.

Yeah. And I'm gonna suck a cock. I like stoic. When I'm done sucking it, I'm gonna. And I'm an air steward so I can suck cock in other cities unanimously.

Yep. That's why AIDS just ravaged the gay community. That's part of one of the reasons. Todd Berry. It's because of Todd Berry. What if I fucked a monkey and then a guy? What if I had HIV, the virus that causes AIDS?

No, it was like the patient zero for America. He was a flight attendant and he was just fucking and sucking that is true actually all over the country and they literally they when they were discovering what aids was and they called it grid they first they called it the gay flu that's what scientists were calling it which is very funny right and then they called it grid which is gay related immune deficiency or gay related immune deficiency disorder and they went to this pond they go hey, hey, you have this gay disease that's killing every gay person you fuck.

And he was like, well, I really like fucking, so I'm gonna keep doing that. And then he just kept fucking his way around the nation for like three years. If you wanna write a complaint letter. His name is even gay? Gayden Dugas? It's Doug Ass.

The gayest name of all time oh man yeah he's a was he like a french canadian yeah yeah yeah and uh he was misdescribed as patient zero accusing him of introducing hiv to the united states yeah he was an early spreader okay of hiv by the way here's like the cbc writing about him it is funny that even when they describe this guy who like caused States. Yeah, he was an early spreader of HIV. By the way, here's the CBC writing about him. It is funny that even when they describe this guy who caused the deaths of thousands and thousands of young men, they start this article

with saying, Dugas was a handsome Air Canada flight attendant who passed away at the age of 31. They have to even say he was a beautiful, brave man. Yeah, they have to be like, listen, he was, come on. People wanted to fuck him. Yeah.

He had an eight pack and a nine inch dick. Yeah. All right, come on. His ass was a Petri dish. His balls looked like a tight knapsack. You wanted to fuck this guy. Always drained. I mean, not bad.

If you were going to get AIDS from a guy and die, it might as well be the Jeffrey Dahmer type guy. Always drained. I mean, not bad. If you were going to get AIDS from a guy and die, it might as well be the Jeffrey Dahl attack guy. I'd let gay-ass Douglas fuck me with AIDS. Yeah, I'd fuck him right now. What's his name? If it was 1981, I'd fuck him right now and die of OG, really sad AIDS. You're telling me this guy

had AIDS? This guy? This guy? You're telling me this guy had AIDS? I know. Wild guy? Yeah. You're telling me this guy had AIDS? I know. Wild to believe. I'm not buying it. I'm going to need

to see some papers. And that little ascot is just to wipe cum off of his face. He just kept it. He's like a southern dandy,

but gay guy. Well, I do declare. Well, I declare. I have cum all across my brow. Like a little fucking with his initials in it. Yeah, yeah, declare. Well, I declare. I have come all across my brow. Like a little fucking with his initials in it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, this is kind of, okay. I know we're doing a bit here, but this is kind of fucked. Can I clarify? Sure. Because we don't want to speak ill of the dead here. Even though that is kind of the whole show. This country doesn't do that.

Yeah. No one in this country speaks ill of the dead. We don't want to speak ill of gay Hitler over here. Yeah, no. God forbid we speak ill of the dead. The don't want to speak ill of gay Hitler over here. God forbid we speak ill of the dead. The only people that we have literally no respect for. The minute you die, we come up with anything about why it doesn't

matter. We should move on with our lives. Oh, 40 years after the fact. Anybody that dies, it's like, oh, well, there was a time. People don't know though about what he actually was like. The falling man was ableist. Yeah. They'd be like, did you guys, I mean, remember when the playboy guy Hugh Hefner died? Then all these articles came out. They were like, did you guys... I mean, remember when the Playboy guy, Hugh Hefner, died? Oh, yeah.

Then all these articles came out where it was like, did you guys know he was running Playboy? Like, it was... Little did the public know he was running Playboy. Many of you may think of him as a social leader, but he was actually running Playboy. I thought it was all above board. I'm reading that and I'm like, well, I'm going to take off my fucking captain's hat.

Well, many of you thought Hugh Hefner was an activist. He was actually a pussy hat. You're like, I saw him hang out with, he hung out with Harry Belafonte That one time You're telling me This guy was creepy Towards women

Dude fuck it I thought he was just like A guy who like Wore a robe And like Had like a pipe That like bubbles Came out of the pipe

And like a big captain's hat Yeah Like a big captain's hat Who Who would think The guy who ran A place called the grotto Where just hot women

Hot dead women Would wash out of it During the winter Like a monsoon Who would think the guy who ran a place called the Grotto, where just hot women, hot dead women would wash out of it during the winter like a monsoon. Yeah, like dead carp. Yeah. Like there's a- Yeah, there's a fucking- Like there's algae. Yeah, there's a lawnskeeper having to dig them out with a fucking wooden pole.

Just dead hot women. Like they're logging. Yeah. Like they're French Canadians. He's on top of them and he's running on them like a lumberjack. Who would have thought that guy would be a creep? Yeah, who would have thought? A 90-year-old man wearing a captain's hat.

I thought he was a gentleman. We're allowed to speak ill of the dead, okay? The guy that started AIDS. Okay, listen. Rest in piss, bozo. Rest in piss, Dougass. I have a lot of gay friends that are dead because of you. My gay friends have to take prep now, Doug-ass. I have a lot of gay friends that are dead because of you. My gay friends have to take prep now, Doug-ass. God.

Well, he would like it if he rested in piss. Very good. Fuck yeah, dude. I want to piss on his grave, but he'd drink it all. He'd drink it all like candy soup. Yeah. Dude, he's in hell right now Just being like This fucking rocks Dude I get to fuck the devil all day

He loves hell I live in a house made out of piss And I fuck the devil This rules Hell Or as I call it Gay guy heaven Yeah regular guy hell

Yeah Oh yeah I was gonna clarify Cause I didn't wanna Cause I know all we do is we talk shit about people that have died Or are about to die Yeah we run a very mean show we feel bad about And we have conversations sometimes Where we're like are we good people

And we don't know I would like to save this good man's name Gay guy dumbass. Yeah, gay dad dumbass that started AIDS. Yeah, what were you saying about gay guy dumbass? Gay dad dumbass.

So it says, the same month Dugas died, a study in the American Journal of Medicine traced many early HIV infections to him. He was not named in the study, but instead listed as patient O, which stood for outside California, where one of the researchers was studying the case. This was ultimately misread as patient zero leading many people reading and discussing the studying to refer it to as patient zero and then in 1987 journalist randy schiltz identified patient zero as dugas while also depicting him as something of a sociopath who intentionally infected his sexual partners a move which received instant intense media coverage

in the mainstream press. Oh, like the bug chaser shit? I guess so, yeah. Yeah. So I think that's what I read because that's how they painted him. So he was into it and he was trying

to give people AIDS? That's what I... I got this from And the Band Played On which was a book and then an HBO series and that's how they talk about him presented as like

a documentary type thing. Well, they also like to do this where they rewrite him. Remember? That's him getting AIDS. Yeah, you just him getting AIDS you ride a swing that's him swinging into an ass yeah any adult man that rides a swing set that happy gets AIDS but by the way they also this is what they do now is they rewrite history remember the guy on the subway who they're like the Michael Jackson Michael

Jackson yeah he was just your friendly crazy michael jackson guy who's threading women all day yeah like uh knives for fingers yeah he was just doing crazy shit on the subway he was a lovely freddy krueger impersonator every morning in the afternoon you'd have to run's he replaced his feet with knives so he could dance better there and then video service of him like uh it was like a scene in ghost with patrick swasey but it's just a big ball of crack like he's just molding he's just molding a crack ball on a kiln and just like just like huffing it and smoking it i saw you know how many times i saw that guy's penis on my timeline where someone goes oh yeah, he pulled his penis and balls out and squeezed him really hard at me. The Jordan Neely?

Yeah. By the way, this is like- Before anyone even knew him. People go, for like 12 years, this guy- And that doesn't mean he should be choked out, obviously. He shouldn't be killed. But everything I saw for days after he died was he was- But that's what they-

So I don't even know if I can trust this now. Maybe this guy was a sociopath. I don't know. And they just found one photo of him on a swing. He kind of does look like the guy that killed him. He looks like Daniel Penny.

Yeah, he does. He does look like he's about to choke out Michael Jackson. He looks like he's about to choke out a Michael Jackson impersonator for not looking fabulous enough.

I do like... Nice package. Dude, he's got a big old dick. Look at his fucking dick, dude. Man. Oh, wow. That was shooting the AIDS right into your heart.

That's fucking rules. Yeah, they're like, his big dick gave you AIDS better. They injected it in the middle of you. I do like to imagine the Michael... I didn't really read about that, but I like to imagine

just like an Asian tourist in New York when that's happening and they think it's the real Michael Jackson Michael Jackson's being killed getting choked to death they don't know about impersonators damn

he was a very attractive guy handsome guy yeah also a sick individual that gave the world his novel disease he's a depraved man he's depraved

he kind of looks like a hot cat a little bit. Yeah. He looks like he likes to fuck men in the ass. Then I explained to you what a gay guy is. I go, wait, what? Wait, that's what they do? That's a thing? Oh, fuck.

We got to get to Chick-fil-A right now. This says here, it says, At a time when 600 men were dead or dying, the news of a gay plague was greeted with derisive laughter. The complete disregard evidence for the lives of gay men still leaves me speechless. Apparently, that was leaked in a White House press conference from October 1982, which is in this film.

So that was like Ronald Reagan's people saying that? So I guess that, yeah, they learned about... Someone had to come to them and they're like, there's this plague, but it's gay. Right. And someone was like... Yeah. Yeah, they're like, Mr. Reagan,

there's a disease that's attacking gay men. And he's like, oh, dude. That fucking kicks ass. Mr. Reagan, wake up. No, trust me, you're going to want to see this. Mr. Reagan, put the bong down. It's fucking kid and gay people. Dude, that fucking rocks.

His wife walks out wiping cum off of him. Reagan's just falling asleep in a chair watching Nancy suck off Mr. T. Reagan's just like, dude, God is so good. He sent a plague to take him all to hell. Reagan's like, oh yeah, I prayed for this last night. Yeah, I prayed God is so good. God is so... He sent a plague to take them all to hell. Reagan's like, oh, yeah, I prayed for this last night. Yeah. I prayed that this would happen.

Every night I put on my cowboy hat and pray while Nancy sucks off Mr. T. What the fuck does he sound like again? Doesn't he sound like kind of an asshole? He's like, well... Well, my wife fucks big black guys. I'm Ronald Reagan. Well, I'm Ronnie Reagan. I'm Ronnie Reagan, and my wife cans big black guys. I'm Ronald Reagan. Well. I'm Ronnie Reagan.

I'm Ronnie Reagan, and my wife can unhinge your jaw if a black guy. Well. No, I mean, Rock Hudson wrote a letter. You guys know about that? Rock Hudson was dying of AIDS, and he was best friends. You laugh. Why do you laugh? That was the one serious thing I said. That was the only time you shouldn't have.

I'm sorry. Ben. I do that was the only time you shouldn't I'm sorry I do that God what are you gay man dug app dumbass or what was this guy gay man gay guy dumbass

gay guy dumbass huge cock huge cock yeah real nice fag maybe that's why they called him gay guy who knows but no Rock Hudson was like best friends with...

Don't start laughing. I'm not. He was a great actor and he died of AIDS. I know. It's so sad that Rock Hudson died of HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. Yeah, the novel coronavirus. You're like those people who in 2022 were saying the novel coronavirus yeah no rock hudson fell to the uh aids 19 you still call it grid yeah what's wait what is grid gay related immune disorder that's what i just told you that the first scientist

studying like literally like dr fauci i swear to swear to God, where first they called it gay flu, and then gave people like, all right, don't fucking call it that. And he goes, hold on, hold on. We haven't tested it on enough beagles yet and killed them and tortured them. So we're not exactly sure. COVID was really just like China's AIDS.

It was like, because Chinese people are such freaks, they fucked a pangolin and gave the world you know yeah they i they eiffel towered weird rats yeah it was just a bunch of ladies like you know drenched in gutter oil having sex with bats yeah yeah for sure women with the mouse traps on their tits and weird uh old sour milk squirting out of them into a bowl yeah and then a dog's licking that and then that shit's onto a baby's head and then the baby dies and it goes in the earth and a flower comes out yeah and then a dog's licking that and then that shit's onto a baby's head and then the baby dies and it goes in the earth and a flower comes out yeah and then an old chinese guy bends over and eats the plant and then that's how covid started and then that guy fucks them that's true

yeah the french canadian guy fuck that guy and then that's how we got covid yeah when people were like can you believe covid started in china i, oh, the place where they throw all their babies in a river and they just wash up on a shore. Right. And have a hard time. Yeah. Have a fucking hard time believing in that one. It started at a place called a wet market.

That sounds really clean. Wow. A wet market. That sounds really clean. In China, you say? Who would have thought? Interesting. Yeah.

The people barbecuing chimpanzee ass. Enough. yeah the people barbecuing chimpanzee ass i'm so sick of having to like keep quiet during that it was like of course they started that shit yeah are we allowed to do this by the way we might just make this one the patreon yeah we don't know yeah my favorite was like the first couple weeks of covid people were like you see how it happened and then they're like it's the bat soup. And then they would show a picture of a bowl of soup and then a bat. Literally. Like with sunglasses and like Corona. Like the Raisin Bran sun.

Yeah. Like the bat just got back from a Jimmy Buffett concert. And it's trying to like get his wife to fuck somebody at the hotel. He has a Dave Matthews shirt on. Just chilling in the hot tub. Yeah. Just a bat that's like, I smoke too much fucking weed, dude. I got to stay in the hotel. It has a Dave Matthews shirt on, just chilling in the hot tub. Yeah, just a bad, it's like, I smoke too much fucking weed, dude.

I gotta stay in the tub. No, but so they changed, I have to tell you, so they changed it from gay flu to gay-related immune disorder, and then eventually to AIDS. Okay. Because AIDS, they knew AIDS was a better punchline yeah like it sounds really funny like dude a lot of comics gonna have great jokes with that yeah yeah the boston comedy scene really

needs this in 1987 um and uh oh god what was that good so rock hudson wrote a letter he was begging to get on all these experimental drugs that like fau, like literally like Fauci, I think, or other people at the CDC were like blocking the drugs from like Dallas Buyers Club and shit. Was Fauci the villain in Dallas Buyers Club that's actually stopping them from getting? That's what I'm... I don't know if that's true, but I'm going to say it is. We're going to run with it. Yeah.

Okay. So Fauci was evil and he hated gays. So Fauci killed gay people. Killed gay people. And Rock Hudson like wrote, like he kept trying to call nancy and she'd be like hello and he'd be like it's rock and they just hang up the phone and he'd be like fuck she's like can you get can you get this disease through the phone i'm hanging up we don't know i have a busy day sucking cock excuse me and then uh he wrote like this big letter to ron

reagan and nancy being like please i'm begging you i'm dying i weigh 95 pounds and they're just like where do you fucking get this like put it in a paper shredder and he died like a couple weeks fucking ronnie darko jesus yeah i'm ronnie darko he did go he did go uh like you know how they say biden goes uh dark uh dark biden dark dark brandon dark brandon yeah he was uh ronnie reagan had his own moment where he was ronnie dark ronnie dark oh yeah he was involved in a shooting so oh kind of like ronnie dark he did get yeah he got popped but nothing happened yeah he got like shot in his liver too yeah he got shot in like the belly and then one of his uh his like uh the members of his cabinets got like domed right in the fucking head and was paralyzed for the rest of his life and there was in a way he was like a republican guy he was in a wheelchair and then he found he

founded a lot of gun reform based around that and nothing bad has happened with guns ever since then nope and it all worked out i'm ronnie darko and my wife sucks black dick. I had Alzheimer's for the last four years as president, but also we had Top Gun. So it was a fun time for everybody. Who cares if the guy's in charge of the blood and his brain is melted? We got Top Gun. Probably the only first lady to sleep around, by the way. Oh, no. Eleanor Roosevelt. You guys think other first ladies were sleeping around by the way oh no eleanor roosevelt you guys think other first

ladies were sleeping around definitely eleanor roosevelt was eating like mad pussy in the white house but that's because her husband was in a wheelchair right yeah true i mean she was also just a lesbian wait who who was eleanor roosevelt married to because we had two rose franklin delano okay so i was not a retard i was right yeah you were not retarded in that so her husband went into a wheelchair and she became a lesbian. Of course. That makes a lot of sense. What, she's supposed to fuck his limp, paralyzed dick?

Or his polio? What did he have? He had polio. Polio, yeah. You don't need blankets. She would have to pull off just to suck that thing. Feeling his weird bone legs clank against her. You know, you're married to Hector Salamanca, the president.

He's just ringing a bell. Yeah. Yeah. Pearl Harbor. Yeah. His dicks and an iron lung. He's an iron lung is a penis pump to get his dick hard. Yeah.

I mean, if I was FDR's wife. Sure. His knees look sharp. I can stick his knee bone right up my pussy yeah you just grind that his kneecap i just sit on it and just kind of wiggle around like this grind come on baby can you fuck limp like can you just stop stuff your limp balls in a woman's pussy you can do that you can do it right yeah i've done that i've thought about how you could do this if you were a lady and your husband was paralyzed you sit him up right there on the uh the washing machine or the dryer right and you ride them with their limp little wee wee

up your pussy sure and you set the dryer at... You could be doing a load, too. You throw a load in. Oh, yeah. Set it on. Kill two birds with one stone. Sure, you might as well be doing... It's a lazy Sunday.

Waste electricity. Yeah. Sure. Get something done. Also, I think it's like a microwave where you can't leave a dryer going if there's no clothes in it, right? It'll blow up.

Sure. I don't think that's true at all. I don't think a microwave works like that either. Yeah, no, I think you can turn a microwave on and nothing. Why would you think that? Because then the microwave's like cooking itself. Yeah, they're like... The microwave goes, I don't know, dude, just fucking...

Blow up! Just, we gotta blow up. We gotta explode, dude! Right. They're like, by the way, if you don't put pizza in this, it will kill everyone in your family it costs 40 dollars uh but yeah that's how you fuck your paralyzed president husband sure franklin delano roosevelt yeah yeah you have his soft penis in inside of

you and it just keeps wiggling and then you come and he probably doesn't jizz but who cares who gives a shit he probably jizzes like just martini liquid that he had left over drank a lot of martinis oh he did fdr and you know how he lied about being able to walk because he nobody knew he couldn't walk until he was like out of office and that was only what a year the last year no he was president for like 16 years and he couldn't fuck no but like the last year i think like the last eight years he couldn't walk wow the whole last half like the whole last half crazy what he would do they would just like they would just tie metal around his fucking legs like put them in braces so they were straight like that and then they would just like open a curtain and he would be at a podium and then he'd give his speech he'd be like all right

i'll see you everybody and then like two secret service aides would come up and he would just grab on either side of them and then just like rock his fucking like strapped up body back and forth and pretend he was like walking fuck yeah i totally buy that biden is dead yeah if they did that with fdr i totally buy that biden is not alive and it's a it's 100 of body double 100 and kamala has a drone in her head driving her body. Oh, the little men in black alien? Yeah. It feels like the third day they just put a pickaxe in the back of her skull. It's crazy.

And just squished it around. She's worse than him. Yes. She has worse faculties than Joe Biden. It's unbelievable every time she speaks how retarded it is. She reminds me of the first time I met a mom who takes Xanax. It's always that type of vibe. The vibe of a woman that has to take two Xanax just to get on the freeway.

Like just to drive 50 miles per hour. Yeah, that vibe of you're hanging out with your friends, the mom comes over. She's like kind of... You get the vague thing. It's like, is she going to fuck us right now? Yes, one of those. She's always got a glass of Pinot. She's slopping like one of her titties is kind of falling out a little bit she's like you're such a big strong man did you help me remove some furniture you're like well i'm gonna

go jack off in the bathroom well uh we want to work on this country because it's the country we all live in. And I think as vice president that I'm starting to think I'm vice president. That's like every speech. She almost starts to talk like Don Knotts a little bit. It's so weird. She's like, well, well, well, you want me to run what?

The capital of what? I can't be the vice president I'm retarded do you guys ever get mad when you think of the we did it Joe sometimes I just I'm doing something I think of that I go fucking god damn it

yeah I just like go back into my body just like did it yeah it's like she's riding a dick or something we did it Joe oh we did it Joe we did it yeah it's like she's riding a dick or something just like we did it oh we did it joe we did it joe i felt your pre-cum you i what i do like about biden he's one of my favorite presidents ever because he looks the most retarded out of all of them somehow yeah and it's literally because he looks his head uh you can see the craters in it like you can see the big soft spot on the side of his head. I thought only babies had those.

He's, like, regrowing the baby thing that you can push in. Yeah, he's regrowing it. His skull's growing apart. He's also that old. It's like Pangea. Yeah, exactly. He's that level of elderly when they lose a ton of weight, and you're like, oh, grandpa, you look great. And then your grandpa, like, dies two weeks later. Yeah. Because it's definitely a bad you're like, oh, grandpa, you look great. Then your grandpa dies two weeks later

because it's definitely a bad sign. Grandpa, you look great. He's like, I'm wasting. Yeah. He's that. He kind of looks skinny for an old guy. He doesn't have old person fat, but that's just because his body's living off of his fat.

You lost five pounds because it's your vertebrae melted. Yes. Exactly. Because his body's going to start eating his bones soon eats it goes to the bones and the bones marrow and then yeah they're the bone marrow and then eventually then you're just done then you drop he's a fall away from dying like i mean if he it's you know he's at that age when like an old person falls and it's that's it that's what made me think also it was a stunt double guy that they had because he fell over on a bike six months ago yeah that's pretty hard yeah he did and he got up like it was he got up like it was a johnny

knoxville bad grandpa or what is it called the whatever he pretends to be something you had it bad grandpa you're overthinking it well i didn't know what's the robert de niro one evil grandpa that's called gay grandpa yeah hey it's me Bobby De Niro I owe 10 million dollars in back taxes you did you told me that

I just told you that he does he's broke so I Robert De Niro is broke I saw it online Robert De Niro in 2015 he got hit with a

an 8.5 million dollar like you owe this in taxes from the government and then his wife who's been married to his black wife who's been married to for like 20 years he had another kid i'm sorry right yeah he's got seven fucking kids yeah and his wife he literally like hired a lawyer to try and get his wife's credit card like shut like reduced yeah because their credit card was like 500 grand a month he's like i wanted a 250 250 is reasonable so they're getting divorced he owes

a million a year in alimony so this this lady's just like bleeding him he has like literally and then in during covid covid hit and all his stupid bullshit restaurants went under he owns no boo and all that stuff and then during covid they didn't make any money so they were all deep deep deep in the red right i love how robert de niro is like the same as like a guy at the nba all-star game like getting tricked by a like a hoe he's like the sean kemp of actors yeah he's got like 30 kids dude he's gonna be applying for his cdl pretty soon it's gonna be like driving oh my god i didn't know he apparently declared bankruptcy and stuff like he's he's like at zero that's why he kept doing all those bad movies.

But he still owes. It's tax money, so you can't do bankruptcy on that. Right. So he's still paying off that. And alimony, I don't think you can do bankruptcy on. No, I don't think you can either. I think it's with his businesses. He declared bankruptcy on something.

Well, that's fine, but he's still got real shit he's got to pay. Wouldn't it be... Imagine if Robert De niro dies in prison oh like the greatest like jake labata or the irishman or something like that'd be kind of poetic yeah he's just got sebastian maniscalco's coming up to him and asked him to dip the bread in the juice yeah he goes chew it up for me i can't eat it chew it up yeah so now he's having to do all these bullshit like the war with grandpa type movies because he literally can't stop working the comedian that was the best movie i've ever seen the comedian what was that it's a movie where he's like the greatest rose comic of

all time and he's at the cellar ed falco's and it's unbelievable these things get made yeah it's amazing the whole movie when was this this was a few years back the comedian is at the cellar. All these comics are in it. He has zero delivery. He's the worst comic ever, but in the movie, he's the best comic that's ever lived.

He's this legend. It's so bad. I think I watched something like that, but it was a comedian and his manager on a road trip. Oh, you're thinking of the Matt Rife movie where he's a vampire. No, I don't know what the fuck that is. Matt Rife's in a movie where he's a vampire? Look that up right now.

Type in Matt Rife, Jamie Kennedy vampire movie. Okay, real quick before I forget. Wait, what were you saying? He sucks the blood of black people. I was thinking... Yeah, he needs juice. Chevy Chase and Richard Dreyfuss were in a movie two years ago

about how a comedian and his old manager rekindle a relationship in an old folks home, a retirement home. And then they start going on a road trip and he becomes a famous comedian again back in the 70s when he was big with performing with all those guys like Rich Little or whatever the hell.

Those great impressionists. Yeah, Rich Little. They'd be like, ladies and gentlemen, this is Mike Tyson. Hey, man, get away from me. Yeah, Rich Little. We talked about him. He's like the worst impressionist ever.

He's like, all right, everybody, Barack Obama. And he's like all right everybody barack obama and he's like hey man what the fuck 2008 motherfucker is it yeah here you go no i already gave away the twist is that jamie jamie kennedy yeah oh my god i know i saw jamie kennedy live about two years ago and it was one it was one of the most brutal things i i was on a show with him one time i uh he he came up after me and he was one of the lowest points of my life yeah dude i saw him i was going to my friend was doing a taping and he was the house and he looked he looked like somebody had cut Jamie Kennedy's face off and was impersonating him

like put it over a normal size this person this is a pharmacist nightmare right here if they see this guy coming they're like Jesus Christ why can't it just be Julianne Moore and Magnolia like someone like that this guy is the reason

Sudafed is locked up at a CVS okay let's watch this in Magnolia or like someone like that. This guy's the reason Sudafed is locked up out of CBS. Okay, let's watch this fucking... Why would I ever do that? You've seen people bomb. This kid next level's it. I am a vampire. For the record,

I'm neither Team Edward or Team Jacob. I rooted for the sun. Give it up for Count Dracula, everybody. He was so scary he's scared to laugh uh i think we gotta talk over this from time to time we're speechless right the movie's called black yeah i have a commitment for you this is like one's gonna be appointed for you all Alright If you take me And I will pay

For every expense What do you say? Can I tell a Jimmy Schubert Joke real quick? Yeah go for it I don't know Jimmy Schubert I like Jimmy Schubert He tells it like it is

Yeah Jimmy Schubert's Fucking best He's like He goes Kids today They go Everybody you know They got the

Smartphones He goes They should call them His dumb phones Cause it's Making everybody dumb You know I've Thought about that But you didn't have The balls to say He goes, what they should call them is dumb phones. Because it's making everybody dumb. You know, I've thought about that.

But you didn't have the balls to say it. I just never could say it out loud. And he goes, everybody at the, you know, I got to have the phone. He pulls out his phone when he does it, but I don't have my phone. Use the remote. There is a phone right here. So he's like, everybody at the grocery store is like, oh. He's like, folks, the zombie apocalypse is like, he's like, folks, the zombie apocalypse is already here, you know? It's shit like that.

Yeah, yeah. He goes, the guy at the grocery store, he goes, I go, hey, asshole, move it along. He looks up from his phone, he goes, I'm playing Angry Birds. I'm like, yeah, I got two Angry Birds for you right fucking here!

Move it the fuck up! I do love that. I think I fucked up the joke because he says I'm two Angry Birds for you right fucking here. Okay. Move it the fuck up. I do love that. I think I fucked up the joke because he says I'm playing Angry Birds 2. And he goes, I have two Angry Birds for you right here. I'm sorry. I fucked up the joke. Jesus.

That was great. I made juice with Jimmy Schubert. But it's one of my favorite. It's on his Instagram from like 2017. And sometimes I spend 35 minutes scrolling back. And my wife's like, what are you doing are you doing yeah like she's like you've been doing this in bed for 30 i'm like i have to find this one screaming for you she's like in danger you're watching jimmy schubert stand up dude jimmy is an old road comic that has told me stories that are it's heartbreaking he told me he told me stories that are it's heartbreaking. He told me he told me he knows knew a lot of ventriloquists on the road back in

the 80s and the 90s. Yeah. Who their best friend was their dummy and when he was opening for guys like that he would see them by the pool like the Holiday Inn. With the ventriloquist. They would be putting sunscreen on the puppet talking to the puppet. Like Lars and the real girl shit. Yes. Like a guy in a

relationship with a sex doll. That was like I always heard that it's like that was a joke that the the puppet guys always killed themselves in the 80s like every week there was a new ventriloquist guy who killed himself yeah it's probably true though i mean probably but that's my favorite thing is like the road it's just the worst stories i've ever heard though yeah after the other i loved every old guy you met who just like clearly got into it in the 80s and was like fuck i have two kids and like they just written it out and they're going up and they're like yeah i got i got wi-fi a wife i hate dumb cunt bitch and they're like why do i make 30 grand a year? Why? I don't know it.

Do you remember the cruise ship we went on and we saw those two comics? Manny Rivera. Yeah, who actually, he really made me fucking laugh. He leveled the place. Because he went up, it was like two laugh factor guys. It was like a carnival cruise that was just like from hell. Yeah. Yeah.

It might as well have been like bugs. Just bugs on a cruise. Everybody, it looked like, it looked like it looked like spawn yeah it looked like when they fall into hell and spawn it looked like the the clown from spawn it was a bunch of john leguizamo's walking around and you go to the buffet and people just like just like scooping armfuls of like hash browns burning their hands taking the trays yeah exactly yeah taking one off putting it in and taking the whole tray and i fucking uh that was the boat i was sober for six months and then i relapsed on the boat

because they all at one point we were at dinner and the the the staff started they bust into gangnam style because it was like 2014 mother of god and i i ripped a whiskey coke out of ben's hand and i just started drinking it after being sober six months. You know the remember again? Yeah, I remember it well. Oh, the whole waitstaff is doing this. And then there's a bunch of 500 pound just red gelatinous blobs. Just seals, yeah.

Tell the machine story. Yeah, a bunch of Bert Kreischer fans. story. Yeah, a bunch of Bert Kreischer fans. Yeah, guys with pickaxes in their skull be like, the machine was not scary. Just everyone in the theater

with a hula hoop around their neck. You know the showing of that. Can we talk about that? Just so you know the showing of the machine. Am I my brother's keeper did you guys see it yet I want to go see it I want to

but I'm worried the theaters are full of just shit and piss everywhere how are they going to have is it all handicapped seating in the theater I don't know

how is I think literally I think it's literally like cattle guards like Temple Grandin built going into the theaters so these fat retards could just bump

and not trample each other. And then they just end up in a mound in the middle of the theater and then the machine starts playing. Well, they just unbuckle their pants and start pissing up into the air like a baby. If you go to see the machine and there's a bunch of fat shirtless guys there,

do you get afraid like it's like the Joker shooting? Like it's the same as seeing a guy dress like the Joker? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, geez. guys there do you get afraid like it's like the joker shooting like it's the same as seeing a guy dress like the joker yeah yeah oh man oh geez just a fucking just a sea of flesh as far as the eye can see yeah i'm sure the movie's gonna make nine trillion dollars yeah probably i've heard it's fun for the whole family yeah every when the movie ends they come and spray you with the hose as you walk out just Just hit you. They have to de-louse you on your way out. They throw lye into your face.

You got to do from the story. It's like the story but it's different. And the Star Wars guy is there but he's not the Star Wars guy. He's Buzz Dad and Buzz is fat.

Just dropping shit like a horse in a parade behind them. The concession stands are serving fried Lipitor. Yeah, they've got the electric paddles built into the seats. So you can just revive yourself. Yeah, your seat is a defibrillator. There's like a Gerber baby food coming out of the icy machines into the cups.

This is like mushed carrots and apples. Can I get a box of popcorn and my own shit? Can you give me this shit in a cup? And they're holding their own turd that they brought in from home. They're going to the machine and they open the freezer.

They go, I've been saving this one all week. And they grab a turd with their bare hands and take it to the theater. Man. Yeah. Good stuff. But anyway, so everybody there should be shot and killed. But we were on the cruise. You're calling for their public execution.

I'm publicly calling for their execution. That's right. I'll double down on it. I wonder how much longer until he's not following me on Instagram anymore. We'll see. Nice guy, by the way. Really nice guy.

Yeah, that's what I like in my comedy. Manners. I love manners on stage. I love knowing the guy's good etiquette. He's hilarious. He's fat. He takes his shirt off, too. I don't know if you knew that.

I haven't seen him do that. He'll take his shirt off sometimes, and then he'll chuck. But he has another shirt on under the... That shirt, like an undershirt? No, no. He takes his full shirt off and then he'll chug and then he tells these stories. He's shirtless. He'll get shirtless, but he's like

fat and it's kind of freeing when you watch it. Wouldn't you be embarrassed? No, it doesn't make him embarrassed and that's why I like it a lot. Dude, that's like Dylan going electric, man. It's like that's like dylan going electric man it's crazy dude that's like no i know that's a revolution it's really it's amazing no it's like it's like yeezus soon as they like me make them unlike me which is true for his career yeah yeah he really brought out the 808s oh i left this light on yeah anyway ben but burke kreischer is fat as shit and he tells jokes sure stories sure and this was based on a story he told

oh and the story's real it's a definitely true story okay okay and they it's they loved him a A true story. Yeah. Yeah. He single-handedly killed all philosophy coming out of Russia. Interesting. So anyway, we're on this cruise. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah, one time we were on a cruise, and then this guy named Manny Rivera, as soon as you

grabbed the mic, he goes, turn the house lights up. And then they raised them slightly, and he goes, nope the mic, he goes, turn the house lights up. And then they like raised them slightly. And he goes, nope, up, up, turn them all the way up. And they turn the house lights up to full brightness. He can see everybody. It doesn't even look like a show anymore, but he's still on stage. And he steps down and there's an Asian couple in the front row. And he walks up to them and he goes like this and he starts leaning and I like

grab Jace. Me and Ben are hammered and we start grabbing each other. You know in Def Jam comedy specials when they cut to the audience and there's that one guy that's like like I was doing that shit because I knew I felt it coming and he just

he hadn't said anything anything he just we saw him walking to a table of people who looked particularly Asian

by the way and we saw the hands and we and then he leans forward like this very slowly and he goes Harrow first joke

destroys right at the gate kills destroys First joke. Destroyed. Right at the gate. Destroyed. Of course. Yeah. Killed. Yeah. Then he starts pacing the room.

Everybody, because it's a cruise, so a lot of it is immigrants. Or not immigrants, but foreigners. Right. What am I saying? It was only... I'm racist. Yeah. It was only Indian people and Asian, but foreigners. Right. What am I saying? It was only... I'm racist. Yeah. It was only Indian people and Asian people.

Okay. From Dallas. And then Will and Don, Yankee in the South, Burt Kreiser people. And then us. Yeah. The good normal people. Who are better than all these other people, even though we were on the cruise. He starts making everybody with a turban sit in one corner of the room and he goes

i got my eye on you guys i got one eye on you fuck yeah oh my god basically saying that they're i get it they're terrorists even though it's like i don't think you get it i don't think i got it it's like indian it's like nepalese people but did he have his shirt off he never and that's what really separates the greats from you know the almost greats yeah is whether or not you got the balls it is take the shirt it's a thin thin thin line between genius and good yeah you know as i always say but uh he i don't know if i've ever seen a comic destroy as hard as he did of course and it And it was just racist, quote unquote, material. Everyone was down for it.

We were laughing probably for the wrong. We didn't think it was great. But at one point, I was on all my hands and knees on the floor. You're laughing at the fact that it's like, this is happening right now. And it's allowed in a weird way because we're in lawless waters or something. Yeah. We're international waters. We're 95 miles from shore.

There's nothing. There's no one coming to save us. If you want to go do Asian racism jokes, you got to be in the middle of the ocean. We're like, hello. Did you see that guy, by the way? It was a guy in Texas who they were all... It was a high school senior trip.

This just happened. They were on a cruise, and this kid on a dare jumped out of i saw that he's like dead yeah he's dead he's dead now they just called off the search but it's so funny in the video because it's just like fucking 18 year olds yeah can we watch the video i mean yeah it's on twitter if you want to pull it up he does die okay they throw him a life thing but he doesn't go to it right but you see him jump in the water and then it's just you hear like bro he in the water right now.

Yeah, like no one's taking it seriously. They're literally on a cruise ship and they're passing him by. He's alone in the ocean. It's the night, by the way. It's night. Is he hammered? I'm assuming.

Who knows? He probably did it as like a prank or something. Right. Nobody understands like pranks don't, it's not like a get out of jail free pass. Right. Does he not get you? If a prank's going bad, you can't be like, all can't be like all right it's a prank it's a prank and then you're just on the boat yeah does he not get he jumped into the middle of nowhere in the ocean nothing's real to

anybody that's what i'm saying it's like no one's living in reality people be like oh dude he's swimming oh shit he's getting far away oh like wait i can't see him oh shit you see like 3 000 future dumbasses be like oh he's fucking dead oh man they're like man i feel like i'm floating right now damn this got me fucked up like that one time at astroworld damn like fuck yo he drowning and shit yeah they're like dude play play tentacion form in memory yeah in memory in memory yeah yeah and then the next guy went up and he was i don't remember his name he was terrible he was like a that type of guy where he's just like i got a wi-fi wife i hate just complete fuck oh you're back to the comic i thought another guy jumped off the ship no no i wish but that's

the end of that guy's just at the bottom of the ocean now and he's getting eaten by oh yeah and that first comic he was he was killing so hard that the room was getting hot it's like uh when sperm whales like they're so loud with their bleeding and their sounds and stuff where like your body's vibrating yeah that's exactly what i was gonna compare it yeah the universal analogies. Yeah, that's a great analogy. We were vibrant. Like how sperm whales vibrate.

Well, everyone knows that. We've covered it on the show. Like a red breast. And peck a belly. Act like, don't act like they're a bunch of the Machine fans. Act like they're

damn Lemon Party fans. They're Lemon Party fans. They're men of intelligence. That's true. Everyone watching the pod is also reading Herman Melville right now. You're reading Moby Dick right now

are you I already read Moby Dick moved four books ago but then I remember we docked the cruise it was like

one of those cruises to Mexico yeah and we got off the dock and they're like alright go Mexico 12 hours and I saw just the

fastest people I've ever seen walk into Mexico straight into a Taco Bell that was by the dock and then they just say Taco people i've ever seen walk into mexico straight into a taco bell that was by the dock and then they just say taco bell and they're like like literally like oh it's nice to get some authentic cuisine that's like going to japan be like where's the yoshinoya literally that's literally exactly jace i think after though they did walk across the street to a senior frogs and get fucked up. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Other than that, I'm in, it would be funny. Like imagine like going to the Amazon, you go to rainforest cafe. Imagine being that retarded. Yeah. It kind of rules.

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like i do want to go to china but i don't well i know you don't china i don't know it's just not fun looking at all i'd like to go to like tokyo you know because of the ads and all that shit like awesome translation sure no no japan would be way cooler way cooler i love chinese food though i'm a chinese food guy. You know that about me. Yeah, but that's- Comida China. I've been learning Spanish.

You don't want their- What did you just say? Comida China. Did you say Chinese food in Spanish? I did, yeah. Comida China. Well, for all of our- I'm trying to pick up Spanish listeners.

Oh, good. Yeah, we should get more of them. Comida China. Me gusta Comida China. Yeah, Marichona. We should get more Spanish speaking listeners. No, we should. Our airbrush shirts would fly off the fucking shelf.

There's a big market for that. There's a big, big market for that, Jerry. They love memorials. We just sell a bunch of dead cousin t-shirts. Yeah, yeah. We're selling Selena shirts. Rest in peace, Eduardo. This is one of our top sellers.

We sold 4,000 of these this week. Oh, shit. What were you saying about the country of China or the country of Japan? China. China. It just seems, Japan seems fun. Yeah, Japan.

China seems hard and unfun. And also, you're not gonna like their Chinese food. It's all fucking like too authentic. Devin, we're on the same okay I'm in it's like if life was a radio we're like on the same frequency

brother okay okay so that's just a longer way of saying we're on the same frequency we're on the same frequency

but like that's where that saying comes from and a lot of people don't know that yeah like if my brain was a radio and your brain

was like another radio thing and we both had antennas yeah that you couldn't see if we were reading a book and your brain was like another radio thing. And we both had antennas. Yeah. That you couldn't see. If we were reading a book, we'd be on the same page. Right. If you will.

But separate books, same book. Separate book, but same book, if you will. Like if I was on 102.7 The Eagle, you'd be like also on 102.7 The Eagle. The only station that plays classic rocks. These are the guys that talk while rubbing their hands together. Like this. Just outside of a pawn shop. Yeah, just looking at some fucking clothes at a Forever 21.

The guys who steal stuff by looking sneaky. Yeah, the sneaky look. I wonder if you've been able to see my dick the whole time. Whatever. You think you're a gay guy dumbass now? This is what I get for dressing up like Michael Keaton and Jackie Brown. You kind of do that, yeah. Sometimes I like wearing a white shirt and blue jeans,

and I go, Michael Keaton and Jackie Brown. Yeah. You know what's funny? I saw that look, and then I tried it for a second. I was like, too fat to do it. Can't do it. Just look like Bill Parcells well I'm gonna go

kill myself I had I did a bang bang at the airport when I went home to visit my family at LAX did you do a Cinnabon

cause a better call there was no Cinnabon but our sister made homemade cinnamon rolls for me with sourdough bread which were really good I had three really big ones

and I just after I ate them I like I came to made homemade cinnamon rolls for me with sourdough bread, which were really good. I had three really big ones. And I just, after I ate them, I like, I like came to and I was holding an AR-15 and I was just shooting wildly into a field. Nice.

Behind their trailer home. Here's what I want to know. If you go to China, how are you going to get the Chinese food you want? They don't have like general sows. So, like you ever go to a Chinese place

and it's like way too Chinese? Like it's like super Asian? Like there's things on the menu where it the menu where they just name it how bad. It's called bad tasting beef. Or cold, deadly, fungus tofu. You get the soup from Galaxy Quest where it has bugs in it and shit. You have no idea what you're eating. It's pee pee puffs.

We roll that pee pee into a little ball somehow yeah this is bad breath soup i was gonna say though i was at the airport and i did a classic bang bang and it was really good actually what was it there's there's a chick in the southwest and i'm not ashamed to say i i fly southwest i got a lot of points with them. They're solid airlines. And I like Southwest. I like Southwest too, yeah. But in the Southwest terminal of LAX, there was a Pan Express next to a Chick-fil-A.

And I got a spicy deluxe chicken sandwich with the fries and all the Coke Zero. And then I went over to Pan Express. Did you get any tranny semen from Chick-fil-A? Very good call, man. He tried. He goes, can I get... So I know about the secret menu

with the tranny semen on it. In the frozen lemonade? Yeah, in the frozen lemonade. Weird he said that too, by the way. The frozen tranny semen in the frozen lemonade. You don't say that unless you've tasted tranny semen. In a frozen drink of some kind. Like when you'd get at a

baseball game. Here's how you know it's gay. You're thinking of not only tranny, you have to first think of a trans person's cock and then you have to think of semen coming out of it. It's also hilarious. It's just a man's semen. You don't even need to distinct the tranny part. It's just semen that came from a man that's confused. It's a man's semen. You don't even need to distinct like the tranny part. Yeah. It's just semen that came

from a man that's confused. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's no, it's a man's cum. Yeah, it's just cum. It's just cum. That's what it is. He can just be like,

I missed their cum in this one too. Right. Like he's mad that it's a trans person's cum. Yeah. He's like, I want regular cum. He's like,

give me a nice regular cum. Like he goes, mm, mm-mm. This is a transgender person's semen. This isn't regular cum. He goes, this is a transgender person's semen. This isn't regular cum. I can taste the estrogen and it's not as good. I can taste the self-doubt.

He's got a wine glass full of cum and he's swirling it and then holding it up to the light. Look at the legs. He goes, I'm getting bits of estrogen, self-doubt out bad living situation beautiful those earthy notes that you get in the trans semen uh but i i had uh an amazing i had an amazing dinner with the panda express and i even texted you because i didn't want to fuck my order

up because devin what i love about devin by the way and i'll tell you real quick what i get i get with the Panda Express. And I even texted you because I didn't want to fuck my order up. Because Devin, what I love about Devin, by the way, and I'll tell you real quick what I get. I get the half chow mein and... The rice. Or whatever they call it there. They might call it lo mein. Places call it different things.

Sure, who knows. But what are you going to do? They call it Chinese spaghetti. We went to Noodle World in Alhambra. Excellent place. They have a Bob's Big Boy statue and half the menu says spaghetti. They have two Bob's Big Boy statue and half the menu is spaghetti. They have two Bob's Big Boy statues.

That's awesome. It was pretty great. Really cool. And I get the orange chicken. I get the Kung Pao chicken, which wasn't that good. No, the Kung Pao's not good. There's too much celery in it at Panda Express. They skimp on.

They add the celery to cut down on the chicken On the chicken and the peanuts Not enough peanuts I already told corporate I already wrote them a nasty email I wrote them a vicious email Damn Yeah you're breaking

Every key you hit Breaking my fingers Those people that review fast food restaurants On Yelp They're like this Burger King Yeah, you're breaking every key you hit as you type. Yeah, breaking my fingers. Those people that review fast food restaurants on Yelp, they're like, this Burger King had less than exemplary staff. Me and Jason were talking about that, about you read Yelp reviews. You read reviews for movies and people go, I don't know, there was a lot of action in this movie

and I don't really like action movies. So I'm like, then why did you go see John Wick 4? It's amazing. Stay home. There's Yelp reviews for everything. There's Yelp reviews for homeless shelters. They're like, I don't know, a lot of homeless people were there. Well, my favorite, I was telling Bill.

Reviews of things where they describe the thing. You go, you just don't like that thing. Don't seek out this type of thing. You retard. My favorite was, I've literally seen it on food places where they're like, three stars, we drove around for a while

and couldn't find the place, so better luck next time. Yeah. They're rating it bad because they're too retarded. They couldn't find it. Yeah, to eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, three stars, I kept missing my mouth with the food. Try better next time. Food didn't make a great hat. I tried to drink the water. It went down the wrong pipe. I got up from my table and I left.

I left. I left before the food even came. I choked on my water. I tried to drink the Coke Zero. I accidentally shoved it all up my ass instead. Two stars. I had Beijing beef. Beijing beef is good. It was great. I had Beijing beef.

Beijing beef is good. It was great. It's really good. The chicken is obviously great. Have you ever had a Panda Express and the guy serving you is like Asian? And you have like a split second thought in your head

where you're like, this is going to be like really good Panda Express. Like somehow he's like brought recipes back from Beijing. You're like, oh, so this is like Beijing, Beijing beef.

Oh, my God. Right. Like there's a bunch of ducks in the back, like on strings. But then it's just like a kid named Brandon that goes to PCC. There's going to be the guy from Gremlins in the back. He's got like mogwai. Yeah, you just think he like brought his grandmother's wok to this Panda Express in El Monte. He's like, hey, what's up?

My name's Brian. Do you want the Beijing beef? I'm like, nah, I want some of that sweet and sour magua you got in the bag. He's like, I don't know, but I grew up in Montrose. Whole family's from Montrose. So why'd you text me? You asked me about a secret order or something. Because I panicked for a second, and I didn't know if I was going to fuck up the order.

Because I wanted to time everything right because Katie was getting me the Chick-fil-A. I was getting the Panda Express. It's like making two planets align at the same time. You want it to go off without a hitch because if something goes wrong, not only are you going to feel like a fat ass and a retard, you're also just going to feel bad.

You're going to feel physically bad because how you're ordering over there has to sync up with how you're ordering over here. Yeah. One can't be cold and one can't be hot. You're going to fuck your stomach up. It has to be seamless. Right.

That's how you fuck your stomach up. That's right. Not eating Panda Express Chick-fil-A. No, it has nothing to do with me eating 7000 calories at the airport. It's literally like the by the microbes in your belly being like, okay, we see the Pan Express. Where's the Chick-fil-A, dude? Your gut biomes. Like, all right, what's going on, man?

Where's the Chick-fil-A sauce, dude? We need some probiotics. Dude, if we don't get Chick-fil-A sauce, we're about to start making diarrhea right now. I started dipping some of the Pan Express in my Chick-fil-A condiments. You dirty dog. Isn't that crazy? You sick son of a bitch.

You're fucking wild. You're a risk taker. And by the way, I don't even think you can get Coke Zero at Panda Express. I mean, I think I just elevated the whole game. They're a Pepsi company. That's what I thought. They do Pepsi.

And that's what I do when I go to Panda Express. I go across the street to Chipotle. I get a Coke Zero. Then I go to Panda Express. I used to live off Panda Express and Chipotle. I know you did. When I was going to your place all the time.

Literally, one meal a day, I'd get a big thing. So this is why I texted you in line when I was at the airport, because I know Devin, and folks, this payoff's going to be worth it, because Devin has some tips and tricks like you've never seen when it comes to saving money. Devin was also ordering very poor, so he's really stretching his box. Yes, you stretch it. You need to use these places.

They're corporations. There's no bottom line. Nobody cares. It's all complete bullshit. Use it up. Panda Express, not many tricks. Don't really have a trick for you there.

If you're on keto, you can get away with it, even though the sauce and a lot of the food you get will have sugar in it. It's probably not enough to knock you out. You can get all mixed vegetables instead of the chow mein smother those mixed vegetables and soy sauce they're inedible

without the soy sauce you need to have you know massive amounts of sodium possibly give yourself a stroke at some point but like you're on keto so you're on keto you're fine you're fine it's keto it's fine you're losing weight your bones hurt all the time you're fine your cholesterol's through the roof who gives a shit you're eating. Your cholesterol's through the roof? Who gives a shit? You're eating butter sticks wrapped in bacon. It's keto, baby. You need the fat to live off of it. You've got a four-pack, you can hear your heartbeat. You're fine.

Yep. So, at Panda, there's not many tricks you can do. I only recommend if you're on a poor person diet, you can get the mixed vegetables and then get the food that doesn't have carbs in it. But still, you can mix all the sauce, the saucy sauces. Yes, yes, yes.

I'm a big saucy meats guy. By the way, they're giving out, which this was crazy to me, they're giving out hot mustard in the little packets now. So definitely take some of those with you. Definitely do that. And a sweet and sour sauce in packets too. They don't charge you for it, which I think they used to do. They might have.

You know what? They got my email. So Chipotle, though, is for the people. Chipotle is... Can I ask you real quick? Go ahead. Do you do bowl tortillas on the side?

A hundred and ten percent, Chase. That is what you do. You get the most basic bowl. Yep. Most basic bowl. None of the add-ons. None of the queso. Quack if you're really feeling it.

If you're feeling it. If you're like very hungry. If you had a good week. You get three tortillas on the side for a dollar extra. You can get one for free. One for free. So you can get a bowl. You go up there.

You go rice or beans. Here's the thing. You can get extra food. Make it a salad. I want a salad. It go extra lettuce. So you get some lettuce. You feel like it tricks your brain like a placebo.

Like, oh, I'm being healthy. Then you get rice and beans. Extra. Extra'd go extra lettuce. So you get some lettuce. You feel like it tricks your brain like a placebo. Like, oh, I'm being healthy. Then you get rice and beans. Extra. Always extra. Yes. You could get extra. They don't charge for anything. Plus rice and beans, very filling. Very filling. Very, very filling. Tons of fibers. Extra meat, they charge?

No, they charge for extra meat. They do charge for extra meat. But here's what you do. Here's what you do when you get to the meat. So you get extra rice, extra beans, and even if you don't like it, you can go, can you give me a little more? It's just some high school kid. Yeah. You know? If it's beans and rice, you can shake them down for a little more.

You can shake them down. I literally have had like- So you guys are like bullying employees. I bully employees. I'm like, just, I don't move. I'm like, no, no, no. I just please more. Right.

Now. You literally be like, all right, bring it back. Bring it back. Bring it back. I need to do that one more time. You're going to go, beep, beep, beep. Bring it back. Bring it back. I need to do that one more time. You're going to go, beep, beep, beep. Bring it back. We're not done with the beans.

So here's the thing. Then you get to the meat. Oh, by the way, you can get fajitas for free. Yes, and the fajitas are pretty good. Fajitas are damn good. Give me fajitas, too, because they act like you can't see it because it's the closest to the guard. What do you mean?

There's the bell peppers and onions and stuff. They don't expect people to know about that shit. Because nobody gets that. Because nobody gets it. I go, I'll take it. It's fucking free food. It's one price on the menu. I'll be taking everything available.

I went to a Blaze Pizza. Blaze Pizza has the same thing. I was like, wait, one pizza is the same price? I got every topping they had on it. It was like a cake. It was inedible. It was horrible. But I stole all their food for the same price.

Okay? So you really, you have to order, like, you're robbing a bank. Yes. You go, wow, you guys allow this? And then take advantage. Devin's ordering at places, and they're getting getting like, alarms are going off at their corporate headquarters. Devin's using a big fucking white bag. Like a big burlap bag.

No idea what I'm doing. I'm at like, I was at like a Blaze Pizza. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Every topping. Like it makes no sense. It was disgusting food.

But it was stacked sky high and it was the same price as the dumbass behind me that just got pepperoni. He only got one topping. This is food we're talking about. This is sustenance, okay? And in this economy, you deserve more.

You use people up. You use them up. So, Chipotle, once you get to the protein, once you get to the protein, here's the thing. A lot of these scumbags, sometimes you'll get like a jaded fuck, and it's just like they just pour like a huge spoonful of your chicken on it or whatever.

But chicken's cheaper than steak. But get. And if you get half and half. So you go. You go. Let me get chicken. They pour you a full scoop of chicken. No way.

And then you go. And you act like you're still speaking. I've literally. I've literally done this before. You act like you're not done with your words. And you go, and have steak. And they'll look at you and they'll be like, dude, I'm going to get fired. I don't want to say anything. And I go, I just stare them down.

I said, and have steak. Because they have to commit to the full pour. Because now they've already committed to the full pour. So then you get half and half. And it's only like 50 cents more for the steak. Because the steak's like $9.10 and the chicken's like $8.65. You literally go,

I got you with your pants down, asshole. Yep. Guys, real quick. Time out. I'm calling a team right here. Time out. What do you do if they, you got a guy who takes the meat back off?

Sometimes they've done that. I haven't caused the fuss yet, but. You're working, you're working that. I'm working my way up. You pull up your, you show a gun.

I kind of, I just kind of yeah I show them a pistol you show them the handle of a pistol right but he doesn't he doesn't explicitly he just goes

and then they see a gun but it's worked for me almost every time occasionally they've been like oh but I gotta like they'll they'll say something

and be like I can't like so they'll take a little off but then you know that's a cocksucker you avoid the next time. But then I know

not coming to this Chipotle anymore in the city of industry. So this is the thing. You're out. You have to memorize their shifts. Yes. So honestly, the best Chipotles to go to,

Chipotles in like very busy areas like Times Square, shit like that where it's just a free for all. It's just like a fucking, it's a cage match every night, you know. You go to those.

The one in K-Town. The people serving, they're all just jaded as hell. They don't give a fuck the one by the bus bus route in k town it's just a high school chipotle's just a high school you go to chipotle's a bunch of high school kids they're all fucking each other and shit i kind of get like jealous like i hear them talk i'm like man they're probably have such good parties and stuff they're like young lunch ladies they are and and it's a beautiful thing to take advantage of them at such a ripe age do Do you, by the way, when they're circling, because they all circle and then take someone and carry people down, that's how it works, right? They don't have stations.

No, no. Everyone's like always helping. That's what I mean. Taking over. So when someone... The best is when you get a cook that comes up and starts serving you and he's like, I haven't been trained to not give you enough. You're a predator.

They're the prey. I'm a predator. You're trying to pick out the weakest in the pack when you get there. Now, if the guy steps forward, that's the alpha. You go, no, no, no. You guys don't decide. You go ahead. You let the next guy go ahead.

Yeah. And then the little Mexican lady pulls up. Do you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do everything you've said. Like, I've been doing it for about a decade now. It's this weird, fucked up game you're playing with, like, God. I love it so much. I love it. I've seen doing it for about a decade. It's this weird fucked up game you're playing with like God. I love it so much.

I love it. I've seen Devin do it. He almost walks in like it's like the sting. Like Devin walks in in a big suit. Yeah. And it's like. Oh, man. So this is great.

We're at the protein, right? So I go chicken. And then they start pouring the full thing. And then I go. And then I go. Yeah. And half steak. And then they give it. So you get double. You they start pouring the full thing. And then I go, yeah, and half steak. And then they give it.

So you get double. You get like a ton of meat. And you only pay like 40 cents extra for the steak. Which is, by the way, always chilling. I've done this with double meat, by the way, because I don't like to mix the meats. I've done, give me steak. And then they do the whole thing. And then I go, actually double steak.

And then they have to give me the same exact. Then they do two full. Yeah. Two full steaks of steak exactly that doesn't make sense because then when they it's all about that spoon it's all about the time they don't want to look lame and start like hitting meat off of your bowl because they because if you do double steak they're like okay and then they start like you shaking bits of meat yeah they shake it out of the spoon put it in yeah but if you do they just dump it and then you're like, give me twice that fucking shit.

Cause they always think that portion's up. They always, they think they're dealing with a rube. And they thought, and here's the thing, I'm taking advantage of their kindness because they were trying to give me a couple extra cubes. Exactly. And I go, give me double that fucking thing. And I go, give me double, bitch, now!

I own you. Yep. You go, woo! It's all about cucking them. You cuck them. It truly, it's a mind game. So then you move, woo! It's all about cucking them. You cuck them. It truly is. So then you cuck them. So then you move.

You have to be a killer. This is like the poor- This is the finale of Succession. Yeah, this is- As they go to Chipotle. Yeah, this is bankrupt Logan Roy. He's like, you have to, son. You have to be a killer.

You never had it in you to get double steak. I'm at like Chipotle. I'm like, you're unserious people. What kind of shit fuck pig fuck factory am I at? You don't even steal the Tabasco Chipotle. Yeah. You put that in your

jacket pocket and you go out the door. And then you steal the Chipotle hot sauce. You do steal a couple bottles of those You always steal the bottles because who gives a fuck.

It's such an easy steal by the way. You got the whole bag you just walk to the thing and you're like ooh in the cup and then bloop. Bloop.

Almost everything there is free. So I think if we get the word out enough i think we can fucking bankrupt them when you go to when you go to chipotle you're really like when you pay that eight dollars for your book it's really just for like the electricity in the place you're just you kind of have to look at it like well it wouldn't be open if it wasn't for that eight bucks yeah but other than that like i'm stealing from you it's highway robbery but they've gotten a little more expensive lately but here we hear what you here's what here's what you do then when you get down to you get corn you get everything you can of course you get all the things pico de gallo you get all three salsas too because it's available you get the corn

you get the red you get the what's the other one pico de gallo you get the mild i always go mild gotta get the mild as well then you get um then you get you always get guac what's the other one? Pico de Gallo. You get the mild. I always go mild. Gotta get the mild as well. Then you get, you always get guac. Here's the thing. Wanna know why? You might be out a couple bucks, but half the time they don't, they're so busy, they forget to market a G. And the person checking you out

doesn't charge you for the guac. Yeah, that happens almost all the time with me. And then you get even more lettuce on the top, so it's like real stuffed, you know? Yeah, they're literally like closing it like it's a two-full. They have to like bounce on it. And they're looking around at all their employees

like, I'm sorry. Like, I know I'm getting fired. Like, they look around and you know that you're the bull that ruined this guy's job. Yes. And I don't care. That's beautiful.

Because it's a corporation. But we love corporations. I text you about this all the time. No, I know. I love them because I use them up. We love them. I use them up. No, because we're parasites.

We're parasites. I like shower at Starbucks. I'll do anything there. I walk in there. I have my slippers on. Give me a water. I'm going to use your Wi-Fi all fucking day. You have no idea what you're dealing with.

There's no way to get it. I'm buying a 35 cent coffee and I'm here all day. I'm going to buy one of your burned coffees. I'm going to ask for free refills all fucking day. If I see an order not being claimed, that's my order now. And I'm going to do that all day. And I do that all the time. I've literally pulled off.

I've been on the way here before. And I'm fuck i want a coffee i pull into a starbucks i just walk up to the counter i just grab a drink and get in my car i literally don't care it's all fake once they opened up because all these places care about the delivery orders more than you in person so i'm like oh you don't respect me i'm here i'm here what would we go to fat sal's the other week it was all delivery orders they don't even care about the people there yeah so use it up baby they're they're they're using something i mean you use them one of my greatest moments it doesn't have anything to do with my just it was dumb luck it was we were grieving your friend who passed yeah i was there all day

i ordered just a simple chipotle bowl tortillasillas on the side. You guys have already eaten. The guy brings me, the Postmates guy, brings me the wrong order. So I open up. It's five bowls. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. I go through. I pick the best one, the one that doesn't suck. And then I eat that. And I come up. I go, hey, guys, got everybody

Chipotle. I hope you don't mind. And I just pass it out. I go, they're just random and the ingredients on this. It says like Stacy A on the thing. I had no idea. I thought you bought us a Chipotle. You guys were so fucked up. And then I went into the app. I go, wrong order, free meal.

Yes. Yes. I love it. One for the little guy. I love fucking the system up. And that's how we win. Hold on. I'm not finishing it.

Oh, wow. So then you get to the end and it's done. They're wrapping it and you go, and I'll take a tortilla. Throw a tortilla on there. If you get a bowl, you're always owed a tortilla.

Really? And no one knows this. So you have them and then you get the salad dressing too. Even if they make you pay, it's 35 cents. It's 35 cents.

They don't make, maybe they do now. It was always free before. On the app, they make you pay. They're gonna get you with that. That's that app bullshit. I don't use the maybe they do now. It was always free before. On the app, they make you pay. They're gonna get you with that. That's that app bullshit. I don't use the apps

because you can't watch them. I watch them when I'm there. I like to really still fear them when I'm leaning over. I'm like, yeah, that's enough. That's enough meat. So you get the tortilla,

so then you get home, right? You make yourself your own burrito. Yes. So you get two meals for the price of one. Dude, you literally do. It's lunch and dinner. It's lunch and dinner. So you pour half your bowl in the burrito, wrap it up.

You have a Chipotle burrito. Yeah, you got a burrito. You pull chips from your fucking pantry. You go grab a Diet Coke out of your fridge. You've got an entire Chipotle meal for that. And then, hey, dinner comes around. Chips, Diet Coke again. Whole other Chipotle meal. Whole other half bowl hey, dinner comes around, chips, Diet Coke again, whole other Chipotle meal.

Whole other half bowl. Yes. Whole other half bowl, buddy. Which is basically like a full bowl because you fucked them over so much. Because there's so much

rice and beans in it and there's so much protein in it. It's a full bowl. You move it. All you gotta do is like hit the side of it and even it out over the bowl and you're like,

this is like a brand new burrito bowl. It's unbelievable. Literally. And then you throw the bag right next to all the 18 other bags you have. Because that's all you've eaten for a month. And then, of course, you get a water cup and you get soda.

And you fucking just walk out. Yeah. There you go. Every time. You just take. And then I take a shit and I don't flush. I take a shit right at the counter. You take, take, take.

These things are. The forks are. I grab a fistful of forks i grab all the forks you know what chipotle bowls actually don't taste that good when you use like a real fork you need to use you need a plastic fork but a very thick plastic black fork that i love it has to be a thick and i'll put it in my silverware drawer and i'll use it for other meals yep because it makes food jace gets it i mean jace gets it you'll you're catching up no no i'll get there you'll get there and there's other places i've yet to figure this out at but like i know sweet greens if there's a sweet green in your neighborhood

go to sweet green they put all the to go uh uh they're all yeah it's all on a it's all but they're all in cabinets you just go up look at your phone pretend you're looking at your phone just grab one and go boom done let's get these places out of here they don't deserve to exist their food sucks they're robbing everybody. They're charging $17 for lettuce. Steal, steal, steal. A lady actually got on me at Whole Foods the other day. I go to the self-checkout all the time. I get half off all the time.

I go, you scan one, one goes in. Scan one, one goes in with that scan. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And this is old lady there, like who cares about her job this time. And she was like watching me. And she like came up and like made a thing about it. then i was like i just stood there retarded i don't know

and i was like oh look it doesn't work yeah i pretended to be a help i pretended to be help i just stood i'm like because like also at the same time like they're not gonna get on somebody that has like intense mental illness sure so then you just pretend to be like retarded you feign a brain injury feign some weird shit. You pull a vape out of your pocket. You go, I can get the one. Can I have the food, please? You're doing like the Special Olympics thing so you can compete and win medals, but it's

just to get free groceries or free Chipotle bowls. Going there with a helmet on. I'm too much of a pussy to pull off the self-checkout because I've been caught before and I really didn't like that. Yeah. It made me feel bad, but I'll be back. You really got it. You got to work through it.

It's like a real it's like getting the yips and golf or something. Yeah. You have to work through it. You guys have to go to Tony Soprano's therapy. Yeah. But I was at Target. This was fucking last week. I check out at Target.

It's like forty five dollars. Target's much easier. Target's much easier. It's like forty five dollars. What are you doing at Target, you doing at target by the way target i'm doing a lot uh i'm doing a lot of like uh this one i was just getting like basics like oats fucking lettuce for shakes and stuff nice lots of chicken lots of rice stuff like that um i don't eat it i don't cook any of it but i buy it it goes bad you throw it and you go hey i'm a member of society i go hey and then i look at my postmates bill i'm like five thousand dollars fuck i've been getting pretty good i've been getting pretty good about kicking um but i i check out the whole thing and it's like 45 i'm like whoa

what is steel what is steel and then i get to my car. I realized I, I, on my bottom rack, the bottom racks where you steal at a target. Yeah. I forgot to do two things of Coke zero and $25 worth of chicken. So I basically stole like $40 worth of food from target. Did you go back and realizing it? No, of course I didn't fucking go back in. No,

I just got, what am I going to break out of prison and walk through the front door? Yeah, exactly. Here's the thing though, Jace, always think about maximizing your quality of your goods that you're taking. So I would try the Whole Foods, because Whole Foods is trying to be really liberal, and

they're trying to just have this honest... If anybody has a no-chase policy, it's a Whole Foods. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So that's why the self-checkout's just like, it's a free-for-all to me. I'm just standing around a bunch of guys with fucking Zorro hats on, and they're wearing fucking the shoes that nobody ever would want to wear. But like when you're an adult, you wear like, you know, they're wearing clogs or whatever.

That's what actual tough guys wore 50 to 200 years ago. It's just some guy that plays the banjo and like does fucking graphic design. And there are no everyone's like, we're all in this together. And I'm just standing there like, you have no idea. You have no idea how much I'm taking for you. How much I'm taking. I like sometimes I get a rush. I just like to're all in this together. And I'm just standing there like, you have no idea. You have no idea. How much I'm taking for you. How much I'm taking. Sometimes I get a rush.

I just like to put it in my pockets. You can go steal $80 vitamins from Whole Foods. There's vitamins for $80. It's the smallest thing you're stealing. No one knows. Why not? Everything's done. We're done.

We literally are done. It's all over so we're done in the other i don't give a shit wow these guys suck by the way cringe cringe bags hey emma hey emma i am a bug she's still alive hey babe oh babe. Oh, we should probably, before we get out of here, we should finish this. Oh, right. This trailer. Don't suck. Yeah, suck the rest of this abortion out real quick before we end it. All right.

Let me rewind it real quick. I saw you in the back. Oh, yeah, I was the guy who left. Thank you for that. You ever needed an opener? What's up? I have a commitment for you to open up the brand new Russell Peters special. You tell the whole same Jimmy Schubert story.

Yeah, the whole. God, this feels like so long ago. What do you say? Guy has a friggin' coffin. He's a good guy and you can learn a thing or two. Like what? How to hang upside down? Welcome to East Bum. So he's a

Matt Rife is a vampire vampire an actual mythological vampire an actual one yeah oh he's a real vampire yeah and he's actually the uh he's raped the least amount of people in comedy an actual vampire comedian so he's an actual vampire he's an actual vampire is the twist of the movie i'll watch watch this if I find... If Jamie Kennedy wrote it, it'll be good. It's not a routine. Oh, my God. Your generation is so weird. I mean, the coffin is eccentric, but explainable.

The glowing eyes, contacts, the teeth. It's an odd lifestyle choice, but hey, it's Vegas. But dude, you turned into a bat. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, man. You're very delicious. Oh, wow. Dude, you're amazing.

Oh, carrot tops in it. I forgot. I love carrot tops. Where'd you find this, kids? Only Fangs. I am loving this whole emo thing you have going on. We should just wrap this up. At least there's an only thing joke.

That's really good wordplay. That's hysterical. They got jokes. Aren't you late for your job at the truck stop glory hole? Good evening, ladies. Step aside, Twilight. Don't do this. Oh, my God.

Oh my God. So that was a, it looks like there was a Muslim, Muslim cowboy that was a heckler and then shot them outside of the show. This is a weird, like parallel for like Matt Rife, like stealing from black culture. Like he's a vampire.

Yeah, no, literally like he's vampiric. Yeah. He slips into DC Youngfly's room at night and just sucks. Sucks melanin out of his body through his teeth. Yeah. Matt Rife really proves to me there's no God. No.

You know, he's selling out like 10 theaters a week now. He's killing it. Is that true? He's on TikTok now. And like a lot of black people for some reason like are being tricked into like liking him. What? Yeah. But then there's also a bunch of women that hate him and shit.

But we should be selling out 10 theaters a week we should we should be damn it we should be damn it you're telling me we're not as funny as this guy here's the thing it's the payoff this is the payoff is fucking we can sleep at night i mean right i don't know unlike matt Rife who's a vampire this guy probably fucks so much he falls asleep on a lady's big fake titties he probably stays up

all night because he thinks it makes him more black he's like oh it's all dark now maybe this is when I fully become yeah

he thinks Dracula's are like Blade he's like this is how I become black I'm a day walker okay I guess let's try to finish this yeah sure why not

it's kind of so bad you can't really make fun of it I know Ethan Barr My favorite vampire Russell Peters wearing that I was funny in 1999 hat Have you met me? I'm a comedian Do you want to touch it?

Jesus Alright Rick D'Elia wrote it Do you want to touch it? Jesus. All right. Rick D'Elia wrote it. Yeah, I wanted to see who... Wait, who's Rick D'Elia's brother? I don't know. It's the same spelling. Look up Rick D'Elia.

I think that's Chris's brother. They do a podcast together about being brothers. So Chris's brother wrote this, right? Look it up. Look it up real quick. Let's end on that. Let's end on that. It's Chris's pimp.

Yeah. Rick D'Elia. Rick D'Elia. Rick D'Elia. Works at a daycare. Mm-hmm. Rick D'Elia. It's like a comedy writer shot himself in his hotel room. No.

It looks like a totally other guy. No, a different guy. Okay. But we got to see what he looks like. Yeah, that's about what I suspect. That looks like the guy that wrote that movie. That's him. That's him that's him there you go i think but also you can look at someone on imdb that really does look like he's about to be murdered right before that photo was taken yeah that is a uh lee harvey oswald picture right there that's bud weyer looking at his imdb

yeah he wrote don't suck he also he uh oh he's pretty much an it looks like he's more of an actor and a producer did you ever see the movie where it was like mindy kaling and it's about late night it's like a there's a ton of people in it and it had a lot of work i remember this trailer yeah and she's like a computer scientist that like just starts becoming a writer well wants to be a writer for late night and they let her in and she becomes like the best writer ever it's a terrible film

can we should we go to the patreon before we start this one yeah I gotta take a massive shit she's hit with the back of trash when I bought comedy legend Mindy Kaling hit in the trash when i bought comedy legend mindy kaling hitting the face with a i like how did she so someone threw her her jokes that someone threw out at her face yes that's exactly there we go very good check out more of that on the patreon

got it remember when her brother pretended to be a black guy yeah to get a loan for a boat or something yeah yeah to get into medical school I love I love people with masters degrees in comedy

same me too same patreon.com slash lemon party unless this is the patreon but this is probably the regular we'll figure it out

let's just say it is let's just say it is let's just say every episode like let's just like mark it oh little little Gracie look at Gracie I miss her so much she's in the other room right now emma's sleeping under the table god i look like shit here look at that big jack i look like i'm hiding like salami under my fucking jacket no no you you look really bad i look like utter shit i look at most i look

like utter shit in most of the episodes i I look great, though. You always look great. You look great. Front and center. Yeah. I look really hot. Yeah. I'd fuck me. You're an attractive man. But I'm no Matt Rife. You're not Matt Rife.

I mean, how could you be Matt Rife? No one's Matt Rife. I'm a six and a half. I think... Well, I don't't know I think the world thinks of you differently than you think of yourself that's why you're great but

if you had better posture and shit you could have really done way more with your life you're the girl in like you're like the girl in the 90s comedy you know where they take the glasses and overall off of her and they're like oh it's actually as comedy, you know, where they take the glasses and overall off of her. Oh, it's actually a famous actress.

So you're saying I'm Princess Diaries. Yeah, I was thinking of She's All That or something like that. Sure. I never saw that. You really just kind of fucked yourself with irony. Like you ruined your chance. You could have been like an A-list actor and model and all that type of shit, but you really fucked yourself.

But instead, I'm just wandering around through my... Instead of the trees looking at eight-pound birds. Instead, you're just trying to turn birds into muckbangers. Yeah, you've just really gone off script here. God's like, I have no... Why did I give him... Why did I make him six foot five? He's like, I fucked up the program on this one. I added a comma there.

Zero and a one's supposed to be here. You're a code that's crashing but working, and they're like, I guess we leave it in. I mean, it gets the job done. Yeah, there's no... I didn't put a carburetor in the engine, but it's still working. It's just in taking air.

You're kind of like Instagram when it's down. Yeah. You're like, it's a great website, but fuck, it just doesn't quite work today. I can only get the last three posts. Yeah, my stories aren't posting. But you're still on Instagram. But damn it I'm great.

I'm saying you've always been like you know good height, handsome but you just do everything on earth to fucking take away from that. Mm-hmm. Well more of this at we went really long but Devin had a lot of tips and tricks and he wanted to give those away for free Well, more of this at... We went really long, but Devin had a lot of tips and tricks,

and he wanted to give those away for free because he's forming a union here. Tell me how it goes, okay? I know there's a lot of you poor fucks out there. Video yourself stealing from these companies and then tag us in it. Yeah, tag me in the Whole Foods thefts. It's great.

Is it even illegal to tell people? Go steal. I don't think so, because if they steal under a certain amount, the cops don't even do anything and no one investigates anything you go to San Francisco you get arrested

for not stealing if you pull your card out they're like freeze yeah cops pull you over let me see your pockets is this a platinum card you sick fuck you make me sick

just handing it to a guy with devil horns smoking crack you make me sick this handing it to a guy with devil horns smoking crack you make me sick this is yours now fucking Castro racist rapist

he just like cuts the cop's throat with a platinum card shame he's like another great citizen of San Francisco San Francisco changed

real quick it just changed my perspective of homeless people because I went there for the first time I was like I love taking care of homeless people and stuff and then a homeless guy came up to me it was old black guy came up to me in wheelchair he's like he's like can i have a cigarette i was like yeah sure old black guy in a wheelchair and i handed him the cigarette and he

like reached up he took it and he like jerked up once he got it he stopped doing the act he just snapped up at me and he goes, lick my ass. That's great. That actually rules. That's great. That was Draymond Green. It's probably a bit of an issue that I think the safest neighborhood

in San Francisco is Alcatraz. Very good. Veryraz. Very good. It's a public. It's a public. Put it on. Wow, we talked about so much. The gay guy dumbass. We talked.

We talked and Jace has to pick. I got a shit coming out of me right now. He's prairie dog. The live stream's every Wednesday at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. So make sure you go subscribe to the Looming Party Clips channel. Devin, hatewatchpod. Jace, sad drawings by Jace.

That's been the episode, folks. I'm gay. Have a great night. Thank you. Kjell Kjell Legenda Adriana Zanotto