lemonparty - 034: Murder Mystery Machine

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

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🎵 We need to get this down on tape Please This is like Illmatic If you weren't recording I mean yeah Candy Shop Candy Shop, Lollipop, Poker Face Like just all these like very explicit Sexual songs that soccer moms Are playing for their kids as they drove them to middle school And a mom's just driving their kids

And they're listening to a song about like coming on a face it's great skeet so much they call me billy ocean which i never really got why it's billy ocean yeah i don't is that just because it's it's a lot of calm like it's an ocean of calm there's an ocean of calm and who is billy ocean he's the guy who i think billy ocean's the guy who sang like, get out of my dreams. Okay. Get into my car. Okay. Huh. So I don't know.

Yeah. That was when everyone had to learn what skeet skeet meant. Skeet skeet, motherfucker. Lick it like a lollipop. Lick the wrapper. Everyone's doing the Soulja Boy crank that dance. I didn't know the Soulja Boy was about coming on a woman's back until five months ago. Superman that hoe.

You throw a towel on her back. Come on her back and then throw a towel and she's got a cape. And you're a little seventh grade Korean kid dancing to it. But not like you're cleaning the cum off. You're just covering it up. Yeah, you cover it up. Like she died in battle. Yeah, you just put a blanket over her.

She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. We've lost her. Alexis Texas has fallen. Did you see that somebody tweeted, the Cracker Barrel has fallen? Because they posted like a pride flag or whatever.

That's amazing. Every company has at one point promoted a gay pride month. Yeah, yeah. It's just because Bud Light went crazy and now everyone... I know. I just love the sentence, Cracker Barrel has fallen. The Cracker Barrel has fallen. That's like the fat SEAL team. There's a fat SEAL team specifically. They go, Cracker Barrel has fallen.

Ladies and gentlemen, gravy is no more. Damn, I don't have a... Damn, see you, Ben. What seat. Look at you, Ben. What? You look great with the hat. So you look like you're about to have your lemonade stand hijacked by some black guys in the Upper West Side. Hold on.

I got to take my hoodie off because I have to show off all of my US Open merchandise that I bought at the US Open. Show us. Hope it's all made out of cotton, 100%. Here we go. Ben also got me this hat. LA Country Club US Open hat.

Ben got me a slave. There's a slave auction at the gift shop. Rufus, get on in here. Look at me. On the back, it's pretty sick. See? That is sick pretty cool right yeah yeah their their biggest seller was a shirt it had the 13th amendment and then the cross out

ghostbusters sign that's their biggest seller there is my uh fucking okay there we go my headphones are all jacked up yeah emma's when I sit here and edit the sketches, Emma likes to... She finds that cord and then she's... She's trying to hatch it like it's an egg or something. She does that shit like she's a chicken sometimes. I come up here and I grab the mic off the ground and me and Devin pick the hairs off. It's like Gracie shoves it up her ass when we're gone.

Yeah, they're Sibians for the dogs, the mics. They love sitting on microphones. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. we're gone. Yeah, they're Sibians for the dogs, the mics. They love sitting on microphones. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You've got gay electronic dogs. By the way, do you guys like how I formed the brim

very racially on the hat? It's supposed to be a bucket hat. Yeah, I told you when you flip it up like that, you look like a P.I. for racism. Flipping it up like that you look like a pi for racism but flipping it up like this is i'm uh i'm like flipping it up like this you're about to be executed for raping somebody because you're retarded yeah yeah yeah yeah you're you're fucking lenny from mice and men that's flipping it up like that but then this yeah that you're

in a car and you're staking out 12 12 year old black children yes yeah doing yo-yo tricks and shit i go home i cook great depression era meals with saltine crackers and ketchup together like you go really you go home to your studio apartment you're like a gumshoe and you you make hardtack in your kitchen what's hardtack it's the biscuit sailors aid in the 1800s it could last forever it's literally flour and water and salt and you just make you make like 20 pounds of that at a time and you just put it in your closet and then when you flip it up do flip it up again when you do that yeah that that makes it look like you're carrying a bunch of boiled eggs in it home from the store yeah no i would never spend that amount of money at the grocery store

i go to the grocery store with a couple nickels some quarters i come back with a big bag of yeast salt you make your own bread yeah that's right when you flip it up all the way you look like you have a stanley thermos full of your own piss that you drink it really is crazy how like just wearing your hat a specific way you look like you've the worst opinions imaginable you look like wc fields like you look like you play who's on first with like everybody in your life right ben he looks like he starts every conversation by going huh what now what let me grab my gramophone to put in my ear so I can hear everyone. I got to walk around the US Open because other people had this hat, right? Sure.

Cool black guys wear it just bucket hat style. Yeah. They look really good in it. Schoolboy Q's there and shit, yeah. Those types of guys, their outfits, they look really good. Then I was seeing guys that were, I don't know, some old guys were wearing it like bucket hat style. Some old guys were even wearing it all the way up, like skipper style, like I showed. Then I saw a 6'7", 74-year-old man.

You know when you see like a giant man who's in his mid-70s? Yeah. Which never happens. It's a rare sight, actually. It's very rare because they usually get shorter the older they get. Like their bones just kind of start, it's like Jenga. Like pieces just start getting hit out. A doctor just kind of start janga. Pieces just start getting hit out. A doctor just hits

one of their vertebrae out like that. It's like, here's your C7. It just shoots out of your belly. Guys like that do need... The life expectancy drops with each inch after 6'2", 6'3". We're not going to live as long. Just statistically. That's my plan as well. like six two six three yeah we're not gonna live as long just statistically oh no and and that's

that's my plan as well yeah so but i saw a giant i saw a giant man wearing his hat like this he was the only one at the u.s open wearing his hat in such a way and i thought that's my guy right there that's there's my cosmo and then you guys both look to each other you go hey okay okay buddy okay but it's also white power hey we know this doesn't mean okay uh uh 1776 huh yeah i spotted a fellow patriot at the golf course he that guy needs i feel like there's hate within that guy that's carried him to this point in his life. Past the point where God really wanted him to live, too. Yeah.

There's like, the inside of his body is like two guys shoveling N-words into a furnace. And that's like what powers them. Like, it's like the fucking Titanic. It's a slur-powered engine. Exactly. The little engine that could. Yeah, there's two Scottish guys being like, we need more fucking titanic it's a slur powered engine exactly a little engine that could yeah there's two scottish guys being like we need more fucking slurs down here if you keep throwing slurs in there she's gonna fucking blow

all right fuck it all right all right shit he just saw scoop bullet q at the u.s open he's so fucking pissed i want all i want all the reserve slurs in the fire right now yeah god damn it god damn it told tiger wasn't gonna be here he had surgery yeah what is he doing at this fucking yes but he's gonna fucking bloody blow a guy so racist that when he figured out black people also play golf it gave him a stroke just part of his brain just popped. How did they not assassinate Tiger Woods? I mean, he's every race that isn't white in one guy and then he dominated the only

thing. Yeah, they keep the PGA Tour. They keep trying to put him up with the Lorraine Motel. He's like, I don't know. I'm on to you. I think the only benefit is he talked like fucking Ralph Nader for the first 10 years of his career. Yeah.

He'd be like, hello, how's it going, everybody? Yeah, he sounds like a third party candidate. Yeah. He's a green party guy. Green party guy, yeah. So I guess all the white guys with their, you know, when really old white guys, they start to get, you know how Smeagol's eyes are in Lord of the Rings? Glaucoma? Yeah, they're all pale and they look like cue balls.

Yeah, fuzzy. They look like dead moons. Like Michael Jordan's eyes. Yeah. Does he have that too? Michael Jordan just like sees everything in sepia. He sees it in the Vince Gilligan Mexico filter. Michael Jordan's growth.

I think that's a joke on Twitter. He's growing like Oakley's in his own eyeballs. Yeah. Like sunglasses. No, his liver is like legitimately shutting down yeah his liver shot yeah sometimes i see uh black guys with yellow eyes but that's that's michael that's that yeah i think that's jaundice though i think you drink too much and something happens to your liver uh one time or the lemon the lemonade's just kind of rising to the top and you could see through.

Pop, pop, fizz, fizz. Yeah, it's all the Mad Dog 2020. I only know this because... You know how I used to do roofing jobs? I did like maybe seven roofing jobs. Do I? Yeah. Where you climb up on a roof and you have a big hammer and you just...

You were a roofer? I mean... For what? I was... Fisher Price homes? Look, they need... a roofer i mean god i mean for what i was i mean i was fisher price homes look they need they people go through a lot of roofers people don't know this but if you were hired to be a roofer your chances of falling off the roof it's like five percent yeah it's a pretty decent amount like people just fall off roofs all the time and they die

yeah so you need guys to keep you know getting up there like lemon yeah fresh fresh meat fresh meat yeah i fell off a roof so you know it started raining and we're running we're trying to get a tarp to pull it over the shingles because you don't shingles on a roof the rain just goes right through that son of a bitch you know was this back out in texas or was this when you were on that okay i thought this was when you were on that website where you would show up to somebody's house and like build like a chair for them that That's when I would do TaskRabbit. TaskRabbit, right. I would show up and build a lady's like pregnancy chair while she's sitting on the couch and just

stared at me. Just watched you? Silently for two hours. Yeah. Like misery. Yeah, your job was the beginning of pornos. But then you just leave. Yeah, yeah. Like, alright ma'am and then she puts her baby in and it just explodes. It's a porno with no fun, no sex. You just actually

build a dresser. I helped an interracial couple move in Santa Monica once and things were really weird between them. Were they filming a McDonald's commercial? Yeah, they were training their son to shoot three pointers. Little three point shooters house. Shut up, little three-point shooter's house.

What type of interracial couple are we talking about? I mean, the kind that there is. Chinese and Eskimo. Yeah, which one, though? It's black guy, white lady. No, a lot of it's Asian now, Asian black. Sure, but I don't... You will see some Asian black now.

Asian black, yeah. Asian black is very cool. I love seeing an Asian black, because it's like it's almost like seeing like an armadillo like dating like a like a donkey or something yeah yeah just two complete opposites it is very very conflicted yeah like you know like keith keith soul our friend keith like uh he's blazing his dad's black and his mom's korean and i'm like, he's very conflicted. Like, he's always just been a weird, conflicted guy. You know? Because he's like, he's the guy robbing the liquor store and the person killing him.

Yeah, yeah. He's sticking himself up. His whole life is he's like, am I a rooftop Korean or am I a target? I don't know. Which one? I don't, you know, he drives through wafts. He's like, who knows which side I would have been on. Yeah, him in the race war like if

fucking 95 like like leary david at the palestinian chicken place yeah yeah exactly just torn between two sides anyway what were you saying benjamin uh what were we talking about this nice interracial couple you just realized yeah yeah so black guy white lady and then things were weird the whole time and then i slowly pieced i was like why is everything like so tense and stuff i'm like i guess like you know they probably didn't want to hire like they're like oh we need to hire like a real mover he's like i'm gonna use fucking task rabbit and she's like yeah but is it gonna be like a real mover like we should call a moving company he's like no it's fine like task rabbit's great it's only like you know 22 an hour or

whatever it was yeah i think it was lower it's probably like 14 or something like that and she's like okay okay and then i and then i my gumby ass shows up fucking like yeah climbing being controlled by a marionette yeah and i just walk in and i'm like so you guys are on the second floor of this apartment complex and they're like yeah this is us right here and i'm like god damn it i'm so hung over yeah they hired you you as the task rabbit is the guy who's not helping move but it's just like all right now angle it when you turn it you gotta you gotta go up and then down at the same time i'm like how about i just i stay down here so i can tell you guys how to take it down the stairs you're the guy with the middle of the couch pretending to... Your hand's not even touching it.

Yeah, you're just kind of pushing it with a finger. That was the worst period of my life when I was at that age where I had to get jobs where people thought I was a man. I had a job where I worked for a temp agency and they would send me out to do warehouse gigs in fucking Carson.

And I was working with all these like real men and but we were just sent there because like a couple people got sick or whatever so they like they put me on like the fucking forklift i had no clue what to do jesus i like i broke a bunch of boxes those are hard to use if you don't have a number some crazy guy just yelled at me to get on it like he knew that i could do when you look at him it looks like you go that's like a crane machine at an arcade thing. Like you go, I think I, because it just looks like there's a big red ball on a stick.

You go, how hard could it be? I thought it would just be easy like in the movies, but it was a nightmare and I broke a bunch of shit. Next thing you know, you're like driving a knife into some guy, like the back of some guy's head. Yeah, I'm just mutilating people by the end of the day. The worst part about that was everyone, the boss always wants to just like start becoming your friend like go to wing stop every day after work

it was really sad brutal life i hated pretending to be a man i in college i worked in i was like 19 i worked in a bolt and nut warehouse for the oil and gas industry so it was like these screws that were like this big that goes on you know some tanker that you know turns a guy into silly putty one day and i didn't know how to work the forklift and i i just like lied and said that i could and they'd send me in the back warehouse they're like go get the uranium bolts or something because every box said this will give you cancer by the way and i i didn't know how to use the forklift so i would climb up like the fucking steel risers like 20 feet off the ground i would just grab the box and like shimmy down on this like i could have like totally just died yeah but you're just terrified like i don't know this is the job market like i have to work like yeah dude i

fucking i i had so many weird little jobs it look it did kind of rock being a white guy that sucked we just show up to a place you're like yeah i'm the white guy that stinks because i show i'm at a roofing job and there's like a little mexican guy and i'm like i'm carrying up one pallet of shingle like one big package of shingles and i'm like i think everyone should like start cheering for me when i make it up the ladder like it's some impossible i climbed to mount everest type of feet you're carrying one shingle yeah yeah and i would literally see guys carry like three things on like each shoulder like shimming up and they're like half my size yeah like i just suck yeah there's there's no there's no excuses about

it i i have a low threshold for pain uh i don't challenge myself i'm yeah you you show up and you're like hey everybody i'm a symbol for the decline of America how's it going look at my bones but when I helped that couple move what was weird about it is how I kind of remember it is I realized we were taking everything to a public

storage unit I kind of realized halfway through I'm like oh they're getting divorced. But luckily, we were just taking everything to a public storage unit for the meantime, so I don't know what was really going on. But it would have been funny if they had two separate U-Hauls, one for her and one

for the guy. And I just, I walk in, I pick up a basketball, and I'm like, so, is this yours, ma'am? Or yours, sir? I have no idea who this basketball belongs to. She goes, it's for the guy I actually fuck. Yeah. That would be funny.

You loading a U-Haul full of like a dinette set and like kitchen chairs and like the other one just has like a bar and a headband from the NBA store. An Xbox. Yeah, it's like his other kid from his other relationship. I'm like, so this copy of

NBA 2K, ma'am, is this yours, or sir, will this be going with you? This envelope of unpaid child support bills. So will this be going in the madam's car? Or will this be going on the sir's bicycle bag that he has? You just have to act clueless the whole time.

We have no idea what's going on. And he pulls you aside. He's like, listen, man, you can be racist. It's going to make the day go by. You got to be efficient. He's like, I want you to turn the back of your hat up and the front down because we gotta

scooch up the racism real quick. Yeah, that is pretty great. That hat does remind me of a guy we used to play golf with. That old guy, Joe. that's why i started wearing it like this too yeah he was just like we we used to play golf he rocks dude as kids and there was just like old guys who like you know like they put like they would like walk up to you and they take out like a pack of red man and they just like they'd rip a tooth out and like put the

the red man in the tooth just like the tooth in their pocket and they go i'm gonna save that for a regular day and they just be like that's you're hitting too much of a hook you fucking you know just throw a slur he had a great he's saying it to a like uh yeah he had a great last name too i don't want to say it because he's he's don't say the name but the way he died was incredibly badass because Very badass. He was like 84, and he worked out constantly. I always saw him in the basement in the locker room down there, just like pumping weights and shit. Right.

He's one of those old guys where he's working out with like five-pound weights, but you're like good at him, and he's just eating like radishes and shit out of a bag. Yeah. And he had long-ass tube socks on these huge calves and then really short shorts and then like a Hank Schrader shirt tucked into like a

muscle gut kind of thing. And then he'd wear caps like these or big trucker caps that he... You know when Oldman barely set the hat on top of their head? Because if they pull it on too tight it'll crush their skull. It's just plopped. Yeah, it'll kill them like a newborn baby.

It'll actually deform their brain. Yeah. So he's wearing a hat that the wind placed on top of his head. And he was left-handed and he would go up there and he could still just

crush drives and shit in his 80s. Got brain cancer. Never, was a guy who never smoked, never drank, took great care of himself, got brain cancer,

even though he was still very healthy. And he went in the garage and shot himself with a gun. Yeah. Oh man. To save everybody. Did his own surgery. Oh, he thought it was going to work.

He goes, I'm just going to, all right, let me just pick this thing out of here. Where is it? Where's the headache? Where is that damn headache? Where's the headache? He's holding a gun and an x-ray up to the live at the same time he's like all right so it's reverse shock okay i'll flip the gun around up his damn left his rat dude what

a fucking bad like by the way supposedly once he got the diagnosis and then found out it was terminal he shot himself within like 24 hours of it yeah he didn't even like think on it i think it was like four days later it was four three or four days because the funny thing was like you you know he's like part of the church so like the whole community's like all right joe's got cancer so we got to get our prayer warriors like prayed up and they're like you're gonna fight this you're gonna win this we're all here for you he's like i'm fucking are you kidding me for you. He's like, I'm fucking. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? He's like, I'm fucking happy about this.

You think I'm going to be all weak and gay? Fuck you guys. And they just went to his garage and just blew his brains out. He was such a stoic, tough man. There was no way he was going to let anybody see him be weak and have that be the memory of him wasting away in a hospital. You could tell there was probably the moment where he had the gun load. He's like, all right, come on.

All right, come on. Don't be a pussy about it. Like he's shaming himself about his own suicide. He's like, don't be a fucking bitch. Don't be a fucking sissy about it now. Put that gun in your mouth. How is that in the church?

Is he going to hell to everybody in the church? Yes, technically, from the Church of Crisis point of view, you're going to hell if you take your own life. He's supposed to, you know, be... They're very strict about that yeah he should have put everyone in his family in massive amounts of medical debt he should have like held up the health care system he should have been in massive amount of pain should have let them pray should have let everyone

feel really good about themselves you're not sick for him well he turns into philadelphia slowly exactly yeah they're like no no no joe you're supposed to shiver in a bed for three years that's not sick for him. Yeah, well, he turns into Philadelphia slowly. Yeah, exactly. They're like, no, no, no, Joe, you're supposed to shiver in a bed for three years while you piss into a tube. No, Joe, it's okay. Oh, your brain, it's just coming out of his ears again. We got to shove it back in in the morning. Shove his brain back in.

Dude, do you know about the guy who got murdered on a golf course and then no one could figure out how he got murdered for five years do you know this story no no this is an amazing dude i'm gonna see if you guys can figure this one out since you don't know it give us like the murder mystery version of it this is beautiful yeah okay this dude he lived on a golf course community you have houses on each side of the fairway you know 400 about 400 people live on a golf course, I guess, roundabout.

Sure. So he's in one of these small golf course communities. They find him on like the 17th fairway by his home, shot through the chest. Okay. They don't find a gun. They can't find anybody. And it happened sometime in the morning someone found him for a very long time they couldn't find anything that happened they

couldn't figure anything out and then hillary clinton came to town the detectives uh investigating it started looking into his google search history actually because he made some weird purchases before he got murdered he bought the vaccine yeah they found that he was doing a lot of research about like uh wind currents and weather and stuff and then he actually bought a weather balloon around this time okay okay and he had like a tank in his house i think they found for him to blow it up oh i think i keep going i think i have this solved so and then eventually what they figured out can i wait are you about to say what you? You say it. You say it. Okay. Because I haven't heard this. I think I haven't figured out.

Guy wanted to kill himself. Yep. Wanted his family to get the insurance money, tied a gun to a weather balloon, shot himself in the chest, and then the gun just floated away. They found the gun like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of miles away, tied to a popped balloon. Like it happened in Canada. They found it really far away somewhere.

How the fuck do they find these? Let him get the money. He did it well. It worked. Also, it's better if it's a murder. It's better if it's a murder. He wants the people to feel bad for him forever. He was a poor, innocent victim. Who could have done this

to this poor man? Don't make it a suicide. To be fair, if he wanted to go away, would they go to the inner city and do the exact same thing. And they would have been like, no investigation. They're like, who's the nearest black person? You're going to jail. That's it.

They arrest Obama. Wait, he wasn't dying or anything, was he? No, he wanted to kill himself, but he didn't want people to know that he was suicidal. And also, I guess it was the insurance money, too, which I didn't know that detail of. That's why I assumed insurance money. But yeah, he went out, he tied a weather balloon to a like a revolver and then went and shot himself in the chest, like right through the heart. And then it floated away. Right.

Pretty incredible, right? Yeah. And then that revolver shot a bunch of black kids. I have this theory that guns want to shoot black people. Like that's kind of how they work. They're like magical. It sounds like the guy stretching like this, like yawning,

like the gun just falls and lands in his hand. Yeah. And he cops like fucking freeze. Just starts firing. Yeah. Like Sonny Corleone. Yeah. Turn him into fucking cheese.

I told her a black friend once to do a joke about how, as a black guy, even if he went skydiving, as he's falling in the air, the cops are shooting him from the ground. They're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, he's like, oh shit, they're coming from space. They're invading. Right. Yeah, get the president on the line.

He just stole the cloud. Donald Trump. He stole a cloud. They're trying to steal stars and make them into jewelry. See, what they do is they take these stars to the Diamond District and they sell the platinum. They're putting the moon up on cinder blocks we've got to shoot them down sorry i had to fire at him sir he had a backpack on you saw him he had a fucking back he was little in that backpack i had to shoot him your officer he was black

well i think i've seen enough here yeah i think the case is missed there was a kid i remember reading about, kind of a similar thing. It was like this little genius kid who wanted to kill himself. He was like 17. And what he did was he took a bicycle helmet and he drilled like an old timey, you know, solid, like I think it was a football helmet actually.

And he drilled nine holes in it and put shotgun shells in each one of the holes and like rubber cemented it in, tied a nail and like an electrical wire to the tip of every shotgun shell and then took the other end of the wire went into his garage touched a car battery with that and it basically just at once nine bullets into his fucking brain oh my god yeah did it work like, he's actually lived a long, healthy life. Yeah.

And that guy became our father. What a bizarrely, like, that's a lot of work to put into your suicide. Like, what is he trying to win? Like the science fair of death? It would be funny if they give him like a Nobel prize for how he killed himself. For being really fucking cool. Yeah. That's crazy.

I read the, like the account of the, like the police officer who found him. And they're like, oh, this is like, for being really fucking cool. That's crazy. I read the account of the police officer who found him and they're like, this kid was a genius. It's a shame that he fucking did it to himself. We could have used this on a black guy. We could have sent this guy to Guantanamo. The police show up like,

what the fuck? They wanted to hire him. Well, we're definitely stealing this design. I think I would have, if I was going to kill myself and I didn't want anyone to know I killed myself, I think I would just like eat a bunch of hot dogs really fast and I would just choke. That would not be a bad way. You get like really dry hot dog bread and like old shitty hot dogs and you just keep eating them really fast. dog bread and like old shitty hot dogs and you just keep eating them really fast and like for months you keep talking about how you want to train to become like a great hot dog eating champion

like you're inspired by kobayashi when people come over they stop coming over because every time they do you're just playing like kobayashi's like compilations of him like eating the most hot dogs in the world sure yeah so like you build up this whole narrative that you're getting into it. So when your friends find out that you choked on a bunch of hot dogs and died. That makes sense. They got tracks. He was getting into that.

He got into birding, then he got into... The only guy in human history who dies with too many hot dogs in his mouth and everyone in his life is like, yeah, it makes sense. He kind of had it coming. We all saw it coming.

We warned him for years. We knew it was going to happen. I feel like it'd be funny. Like, you could do, like, go to, like, a Florida bar with just, like, a crop top that says, like, cum guzzler on it and just be, like, very effeminate and gay and just, you know. Yeah, just get Matthew Shepard. Yeah, get Larry Remy Project. Just see what happens.

Yeah. Just walk up to a guy, you know, who looks like Bubba Sparks or something and just be like, get weird. Just see what happens. Just walk up to a guy who looks like Bubba Sparks or something and just be like, Yoo-hoo, boys! And then just get like Ballad of Buster Scruggs just through your brain. Or you could just go up to a cop and be like, watch out!

Just do like a Johnny Bravo, like, look out, man. Suicide by cop is probably the best way to make it seem like you did it. It's all their fault. your family could maybe sue they get a fun lawsuit oh they'll get a check for at least like twenty thousand dollars oh yeah yes city oh yeah so how i try to kill myself i take a bunch of drugs and go to a gas station try to spend a counterfeit 20 if you know you know what i'm talking about if you know what i'm talking about. If you know what I'm talking about, folks.

Which one is this? Oh, the big one. We're talking about the Oppenheimer. Yeah, the Oppenheimer of black people. Is this Michael Brown? No, Mr. George Floyd. Oh, that was what George Floyd did. I forgot his origin story.

Yeah, like it's X-Men. I honestly completely forgot that. X-Men origins, Derek Chauvin. I thought he was just killed because Derek Chauvin was like, they worked with each other and he was fucking his girl or something. I think it was ultimately that, but later they were like, you see the tapes, he's weird at the gas station. There's always weird gas station tape that they always use.

It's like, no, you don't understand. Those Skittles meant business. They are going to come out with a Justice League type movie, by the way, of all the black people who are killed by the police, where they CGI their faces on everybody. Where you have Tamir Rice, Michael Brown. And they very unfortunately name it The Expendables.

There's a huge controversy. Everyone's like, who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Well, we were down between that or Black Air Panthers. We couldn't decide which. We were going to go two black, two panther. We weren't sure

and frankly, our studio execs, Michael Jewishberg thought that was a great idea. Yeah. Even the director of... The Injustice League, more like it. Here, let me get Bill Maher on the phone right now.

Bill, it's like Back to the Future. I'm like, you know that shitty joke you were looking for? Well, listen to this. It'm like, you know that shitty joke you were looking for? Well, listen to this. It's me, your brother, Marvin Marr. Marvin Marr. Yeah. Yeah, that's very club random of you. But they would end up teaming up to defeat.

Because who's the guy with the gauntlet of something that people go? Lil Jon. They go, oh, that's... Where they go, oh, that's the gauntlet of something that people go... Will John. They go, oh, that's... Where they go, oh, that's the gauntlet. He has all the stones in the gauntlet. Oh, Thanos? Is that Thanos? He got the Infinity Stones.

So Thanos is the bad guy. Yeah, I think he's like... I don't know. I've never seen any of those video game movies. Yeah, those movies for babies. Yeah, those movies for babies. Yeah, those movies for brain-dead adults. But yeah, he has a handful of

rings. One of the infinity or something. He got all the Skittles. Yeah, they're like, yo, did you guys see a new meme came out? People just go to the movies and be like, which meme are we gonna use? Yeah, which frame are we gonna use to do our ha-ha memes? Yo, this will be great for

jason tatum's career i'm gonna use this when i make fun of basketball players on twitter yeah i run an instagram page called ha ha funny ass dank ass black ass memes for retards but the force is the number four so i go to i go to spider-man i go yeah which which green grab am i gonna use to make fun of like you know when a celebrity dies yeah ferber yeah for retards by retards anthony kimia sues me he's like i was coming out with that one that's right uh they did that in the new super in the flash movie they uh they had a christopher reeves pops back up really yeah the old superman who got uh paralyzed yeah i'm like he's a dead right he's been long what was more offensive he's played by an eggplant i was gonna say what was

really offensive is they had him in the wheelchair in the movie. Did they really? Are you doing a joke? He pops up and he goes, kill me, please. He goes, please not, kill me. No, but he really does. They have his Superman appear in the movie with his digital, the technology that's ruined all media. We can make dead guys in movies again.

Yeah, it's going to suck when they start doing that. It's going to suck even harder than what they're doing now. Hello, friends, and welcome to a tradition unlike any other. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Let's talk about sex. Guys, remember the days when you were always ready to go? Now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed.

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things they've confided in me i would never uh you know tell another soul on this earth hey everybody wanted to take a second to talk to you about magic mind magic mind is a matcha based energy shot infused with nootropics and adaptogens designed to crush procrastination brain fog and fatigue you'll get a lot of energy like that is currently right there um and magic mind did send us a lot of stuff i think they sent us over 50 shots yeah um i took it i love it it feels great because it boosts l-theanine um which reduces stress and anxiety so it's like that thing of like you can drink it and you don't feel like you get that jittery coffee feeling yes that we all hey you know i drink a coffee i put a zen and all of a sudden i'm having a panic attack we talked about that the other day

yeah take one of these little magic mind matches i feel great and i feel relaxed they're incredible you don't have to go get some fucking seven dollar matcha at some hipster place down the street you can get your magic mind i had i took a box of them i had like like 30 of them. I took one every morning for like a few weeks. I did. You do feel amazing. They sent us a couple boxes. I took them, and then my girlfriend loved them so much that I literally, and this is completely true.

She's on the other side of the country. I put 20 of them in my suitcase to take to her. I literally put them on a plane, flew across the country because she loves them so much, and she's been a joy for for the past couple weeks yeah and it's just it's matcha quick it's a match on the go that's right and yeah you feel like a steady like an ease of calm yet energy the whole day right honestly i've tried to make match on my own i just can't fucking do it no you're not japanese you gotta buy the little magic bind yeah you gotta buy like a little wooden rake you know like a little stupid bowl. You gotta get a garden and everything.

I put them in my boba in the morning. I go to the boba shop and I drop one in. You can put them in the boba if you want to. That's sick, man. So right now... You just keep quiet for the rest of the show. Yeah, you keep quiet. You don't ruin this for us. You shut your fucking mouth. You shut your mouth. You're gonna ruin this fucking ad. So right now, Magic Mind has a special offer for our listeners um go to

magicmind.com i'm sorry i told you to shut up go to magicmind.com slash lemon and get up to 50% off your subscription for the next 10 days with my code lemon once again let's go to magicmind.com slash lemon and get up to 50% off your subscription for the next 10 days with my code lemon. Thank you, Magic Mind, for sponsoring the show. And back to the episode. Eventually, we're just going to have to stop going to movies. Yeah, I mean, I haven't gone to a movie in a long time. You go to movies all the fucking time.

What am I supposed to go see? Me and Jace go to the movies pretty frequently. I'm a fan of the cinema, so go see across the spider i'm gonna start going but it's like just every i saw a fucking paul schrader's fucking gardening movie with white supremacy involved garden stay garden yeah garden stay too fucking yeah dandelion nazi by paul schrader uh yeah i don't know unless it's like something like that it has to be a director i care about now otherwise i'm like i don't i don't know unless it's like something like that it has to be a director I care about now otherwise I'm like

I don't know they all seem like you know fake movies me and Jay come on you got I saw Air I saw Air

Air was the best thing I've ever seen Air was good no it was the greatest thing you've ever seen let's be honest best movie ever and

Devin how good was Knock at the Cabin? I mean, you got to give it up for Shyamalan. He did it again, goddammit. Goddammit, he did it again. Me and Ben go to movies where we talk like Burt Lancaster. I go, goddammit, I love the cinema.

I was hitting myself with a newspaper on the hip. Wasn't that the movie where like WrestleMania shows up and kills a family in a home or something? Yeah, that's right. It's Dave Bautista. Rocks, by the way. And Dave Bautista is my hero because to protest racism, he had a tattoo of a racist guy on his body. And then once the guy became racist, he got it removed. No, it's like he was tight with Manny Pacquiao.

Did the hat get you? Just something about you. Had nothing to do with what you said. Just all you. Sometimes you say lines on this podcast where you should be throwing a fishing line. You're like, you got it removed yeah but no but no one else uses i love racism i do say things that you should only say if you're drinking beer at like 6 30 in the morning on a fishing trip yeah then i lean over and i just say it nonchalantly you say things like cracking an egg into his beer. You say that and I go, your cigarette's in your thigh right now.

Ben, you're burning your thigh with your cigarette. Yeah. By the way, Dave Bautista is the only guy in the world that is an actor who cares about acting still. Pretty much. He actually takes acting classes. He takes acting very seriously. He's like the only good wrestler actor.

I've heard he tries and cares and shit. He's way better than Chris Pine and all these people that are supposedly great. If you try and care, it makes you fucking God now. That's all you have to do is try a little bit. I just want to hear that a guy gives a shit and likes cinema.

If you know Jim Caviezel's name... Not Jim Caviezel. The guy he did five oscar movies and then died of cancer oh uh uh oh no uh john john kazali yeah john kazali yeah what just fucking just uh the michael jordan of character actors truly and then just died did five oscar-winning movies fucked meryl streep and then died. Dog Day Afternoon. Dog Day Afternoon. Godfathers. Which is the sequel to Godfather. Yeah. One, two.

Dog Day Afternoon. They made a new one called Godfathers with a Z. Dog Day Afternoon. Was he in Deer Hunter? He was in Deer Hunter. That was the other one. Nice. And then he ate Meryl Streep's pussy and died of brain cancer. And then she killed him. Nice. She killed him.

RIP to that guy. But what was the thing about Dave Bautista? Because he did something very woke and very cool. He was tight with Manny Pacquiao because I think they're both Filipino. One of those things, I don't know. Sure. One of those brown islands. They both love Jollibee. Yeah, exactly. So they met up, they shook hands.

Yeah, one of those. Nice to meet you. Spaghetti and honey. yeah one of those spaghetti and honey spaghetti and honey yes we all eat like elf from the movie elf and he had a tattoo of Manny Pacquiao's like logo and then Manny Pacquiao was like

I don't like the fags and Dave Bautista was raised by two, he has two moms. Oh, okay. His parents were lesbians, so he got the tattoo surgery. By the way, here's what's great, because Manny Pacquiao is Filipino, right?

I think so. I don't know. Here's what's great. Jason's impression of a Filipino person is Super Mario. I'm from the Philippines. I'm from the Philippines. If you go... He's doing a japanese guy's idea of an italian american i could do three i could do i could do the japanese like i could do the child like that yeah and then if you're from like

kind of a banana asian island type thing it's just like yeah yeah yeah like gola gola island stuff yeah if you're on an island where I imagine you, you ride a big plantain around like a canoe, you're, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you talk.

I get it. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. That's just how my racism works. That's actually fair. No, that's actually fine.

No one cares about that. It's totally fine. Yeah. I think they're actually like more Hispanic. Filipinos are like, yeah, they're like Mexican Asians basically. Yeah.

Yeah. They're like Viva La They do like Day of the Dragon stuff Bilal Hernandez Pick one Pick a job You're weird in this app It's like Brazilians

Speak Spanish Brazil They all speak weird different versions of Spanish too and I don't like that I don't like that I don't like that in Brazil it's like you think you're just gonna speak Spanish

and they're like no you're like isn't that Spanish apparently not it's not apparently apparently it's Salvadorian

god these people these people which Salvadorian don't give me these words these words and the guy goes he says

he's Salvadorian I'm like that me these words. These words. And the guy goes, he says he's Salvadorian. I'm like, that's an Italian guy's name. Doesn't he work for Tony Soprano? Yeah, that's Salvadorian. El Salvadorian? Doesn't he live in North Jersey? Yeah. But here's the thing.

Here's a cultural thing for you guys. Because if you didn't know, we're actually, we're pretending to not be cultured. If you didn't know. We actually, to not be cultured. If you didn't know. We're actually world travelers. We're world travelers. We have so many points on Southwest which is an international it's very funny.

I named a plane that doesn't take you international. You named a plane that flies to Texas and Cleveland. That famously flies to three states. Yeah. Like a Latanza flight? Well, I was going to say in China.

Here's what they do in China. China. China. Dude, do you see how Trump. Yeah. Dude, what did he say again? It was so good. Dude, it was so good the way.

I did everything right and they still indicted me. They still indicted me. He's starting to sound like Carol Channing almost. He's like, they still indicted me. He's really leaning into it. It's very funny. It sounds like he's doing Shane Gillis'

trumpet. You know he saw it. He's like, I'll just do that. They indicted me. Did he really call is Trump. Yeah. You know, he saw it. He was like, I'll just do that. He's like, it's better. I love it. They indicted me. Did he really call Ron DeSantis Ron the faggot?

Or is that like, no. Is that a Photoshop thing? What? That would be great. He did from Truth Social. He's like, little Ron the faggot

is at it again. No, no. I was like, I'm pretty sure that's fake, but I'm just going to let myself think it's real. He's saying it after he tweets. He's like, I'm pretty sure that's fake, but I'm just going to let myself think it's real. He's saying it after he tweets.

He's like, little N-word Ron. Classic N-word Ron. No, he calls him, he was trying to do Ron the Sanctimonious, which is pretty funny. I think that was too long, so he started calling him Meatball Ron. He goes, Meatball Ron, he's 5'7". He did put that on True Social. He goes, Meatball Ron, he's 5'7". He did put that on True Social. He goes, Meatball Ron is 5'7".

End of tweet. Posted. His tweets really are things you'd only read on a bathroom wall. Like on a stall while you're taking a shit, you look over. He's like Georgina George from Mean Girls. He has a burn book. Yeah, he has a burn book. And everything's wrong too.

He's like Ron DeSantis is a fat-hipped bitch. And it rules. So I was going to say in China In China They all speak a different dialect. So one guy I like how you kind of got Asian. They all speak a different dialect. They all speak a different dialect. They all speak a...

Speak a... Speak a... Dialect. Different. Dialect. Different. Dialect. A salvatore, you know.

We're just complete retards. We should all be shot and killed. We're very dumb and gay. Yeah. But they all speak different dialects. There's like 900 different dialects spoken there and we use the word dialect here where we go oh that guy sounds cajun that guy sounds like he's from new york dialect actually we use that incorrectly really so over there they

actually one guy in one city can't understand people in another city so what they had to do to unify as a country they all learned to speak mandarin so they all a lot of them speak the uh language of their city of the 900 something specific dialects but they also learned to speak mandarin and the first alphabet by the way that they learn is uh english because it's an easier alphabet to understand language you're goddamn right fucking right brother we're the best fucking country. By the way, no one's ever been able to explain this to me. You know, there's like

900 characters in Mandarin or something crazy that you have to know. Sure. What the fuck do their keyboards look like? That's actually a good point. Does it look like the guy in Big when he's playing the piano? You have to run to type? What do the keyboards look like?

I don't know. I've never been able to figure it out. I've typed in Chinese keyboard. I don't get it because they have 900 letters. How are they typing? It makes no sense. Are their typewriters as big as parks? What is it? I don't know. How do their phones type on their phones?

It's driving me nuts. None of these people exist to me. That's how ignorant I am. I go, I know China's there, but I just read about it. It might as well be like Game of Thrones. It's the same thing. You're like, ah, Westeros, Thailand, who knows? People are like, dude, what's going on in China? I'm like, what's that, the new George R.R. Martin thing?

What is the Mother of Dragons doing now? The Mother of Dragons. Yeah, I honestly have no idea. I mean, literally, I'm so ignorant i in my there's 50 000 characters in mandarin can i 50 000 they don't even then other chinese people speak another one right taiwanese well taiwan and china china doesn't recognize taiwan yeah but that's bullshit they're all chinese they just speak a different they're just like they just have they just decided to make a new thing right i i was

gonna say i'm so like racist and ignorant that you were like how do they like type like what their keyboards look like and i literally imagine somebody taking a typewriter and putting a big squid in it and then just typing on the squid like it's a like it's a piece of paper yeah because the squid is the ink in it yeah exactly and they just hit it with like little metal marks uh this says the written uh this is from business insider it said we researched how chinese keyboards work and it's totally nuts the written chinese language will blow your mind each character is made up of an intricate series of strokes sometimes as many as 64 yeah well also why is business insider saying it's totally nuts by the way yeah what it's wacky yeah we we

interviewed uh bloomberg and it was it was neck and farts you're a fucking business trading magazine type like it sorry what did the what did they say how does it work uh is it like those now they're linking me to a slate article so apparently they did nothing i like how articles link you to up they go we didn't really finish our job here so go to this other website for the info how do they use their typewriters that's a good question we may never know end of article

here's a wikipedia link oh so they don't use a standard keyboard they use a standard keyboard to generate a wide variety of Chinese characters using this method characters aren't directly hardwired to each key instead a short combination of keys characters. Using this method, characters aren't directly hardwired to each key. Instead, a short combination of keys will generate a specific character. So it's like the old texting

where you had to hit three, four times to get an L or whatever. Yes, and then each user kind of changes their keyboard based on that. But good Lord, I mean, Chinese people are so smart, dude. I mean, I can't name 50 000 things if you put me in a room for five years and said name 50 000 thanks clouds air oxygen mountains i'd run out after like 9 000 i'd be like i'm out of that i

named every lord of the rings movie i named every character from everything I know. Iron, magnesium, every supplement. Every shoe company. I'm out. I'm done. But at the end of the day, you still wouldn't start COVID-19. That's true. That is true. How about we stop ball washing them?

How about we get down to brass tacks? We get down to brass tacks here, all right? We'll be at war with them soon. Stop loving them. Okay. Get prepared to stab them in the face. That report did just finally come out, like an official. Yeah, it's official.

Yeah. The Chinese guys in Wuhan got COVID first. They're like, breaking news, COVID-19 came from the COVID-19 lab. And you're like, yeah, people are like, what the hell? Oh. What kind of racist, what kind of yellow journalism is this? I guess I owe Jon Stewart an apology. Honey, they're saying COVID-19 came from the lab where they created COVID-19.

You believe that? You believe that? I think that's racist. It's fucking nuts. Oh, God. I'm fucking mad. You're telling me my shoes are from Foot Locker? I'm fucking mad.

You're telling me my shoes are from Foot Locker? What? They made COVID-19 in the COVID-19 lab? It's a goddamn disgrace what they're doing. Honestly, you're telling me now for the first time. I mean, it was the funniest thing. You'd just be like, maybe it came from the COVID-19 lab. And they'd be like, they're great people.

They've killed a million Muslims. You shut your goddamn mouth. Shut your fucking mouth. You shut your fucking mouth. They're not even the real Muslims. They have a weird name called like Uyghur. They're Uyghur Muslims. They have a name I feel uncomfortable saying. They're killing Uyghurs. I heard that's good, by the way.

If the camps were just like fucking shedheads. Uyghur Muslims? Like, what up? We in Beijing in the big time. Bro, boogie up. Boogie kasha. Just getting hit with a big mallet. Yeah.

Starving to death. My leftist friends explained to me that what they did to the Uyghurs is good. Wow. And I don't know. It sounds... They make a really good argument for them. What is their argument? They say, like, the Uyghurs don't want to, like,

assimilate with society and be good. So what they do is they kind of just round them up and they make them, like, stay in a place. And it, like, made the crime and stuff go way down. But then ask them about all the stabbings in Germany from refugees. Ask them about what to do with immigrants here. You know, we haven't looked into their past

or criminal histories. What would they say about that? I guess it's just based... Should we put them in camps too, lefties? I guess since China is a communist country, then they think China is... But China is cool. Everything I see on TikTok

where like people are going down like weird green and pink forest in China. I've never seen anything like it in my life. They did do some cool stuff. I mean, they did like kill all their landlords, which is pretty tight. That's cool. Did they in China? Yeah, did do some cool stuff. I mean, they did like kill all their landlords, which is pretty tight. That's cool. Did they in China?

They killed their landlords? Yeah, in like the 60s. I think it was Mao. Like if you owned like more than like five buildings, he's like, yeah, I work like cutting your hat off. You like serve no like use to society. Interesting. Okay.

Yeah. They killed like 10,000 landlords or something like that. Sounds cool to me. Yeah. So I can get down with that. Yeah, China. China seems pretty cool. Unless I ever become a landlord and then I change my opinion.

Right. And I think they're cool. But if they ever fuck with Japan, if they ever, if they ever, if they ever touch my little girl. Your little girl. The autists that will rise up if they so much as lay a finger on Japan. Who is our ally, by the way. Japan loves America. That is true. They love America.

Despite, yeah. Because they need us. We cucked them. Yeah, we cucked them. We buck broke Japan. We just dropped the biggest bombs of all time. Put them in camps. It's okay. Do you want miso soup with your tarashi ball?

It's okay. Mr. White Man. Give us a bunch of those little umbrellas for free. We're going to put them in our drinks. Or take some of that fried chicken shrimp you got. What'd you call it? Temperament? Send a couple of your boys over here to flip stuff for me that I want to eat. I want some shrimp temperature.

Yeah, we're going to have some of your little tiny radios you make. We're going to be ordering a lot of those from now on. I do, calling it buck breaking is so funny to me. It's a very racist term, but I used it on Japan, so it's okay. Yeah, hopefully. Well, here's your Shirley Temple. I'm so sorry. So, I thank you for killing my entire family.

Thank you. And burning my city down in five seconds. Thank you for actually committing way more murders before the atomic bombs by just attacking civilian cities that were made out of wood

and lighting them on fire. Thank you for coming to our restaurant. My grandmother has fins. Thank you. Thank you. You gave my grandmother scales. She has snake skin.

Thank you so much. Thank you for altering the conception of evil as we know it. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for altering the conception of evil as we know it. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. You turned my grandfather

into a rival alien. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Tough stuff. But if they so much as I'm dead serious though. I'm going to fly over to China.

I'm going to start fucking people up if they ever invade Japan. Oh yeah it'll be me is they think especially if they've seen john wick for well they fucking invade taiwan dude i'll set up a gofundme for taiwan dude okay i'll treat them like i don't like to give a shit about taiwan i don't even know what they do if they if they do you know what i literally don't care about a single place this is how i think about taiwan it's too far south i don't give a shit about things if it's too close to nr i don't know what I mean. I literally don't care about a single place. This is how I think about Taiwan. It's too far south. I don't give a shit about things if it's too close to NR.

You treat it like it's Georgia or something. You're like, too far south. Too far south. I don't give a shit about things that are too far south. I don't give a shit about South Africa. I don't give a shit about Adelaide, Australia and stuff. I care about, you got to be more north than that. Why would I?

Huh? None of them have created, I mean, England, we got some rock bands out of them, but other than that, what else do we need? They all came here. We got the Stones. We got the Beatles. They all fucking came here. Yeah.

We make everything. That's right. You're goddamn right. All the best, all the coolest things come from here. And hey, but sometimes we might need to use your country to shoot something, but then we're going to edit it over here. Like, we're going to shoot Lord of the Rings, New Zealand.

Excuse me, we're going to use your land for the next three years. We're going to shoot something amazing, and then we're going to come back. Here's the deal, New Zealand. We're going to use your country. We're going to shoot these great movies. In exchange, we let Taika Waititi be annoying on TV for like eight years max, and then everybody realizes he sucks.

He's had his run now. We're going to let Taika Waititi pretend he's David Bowie for some reason. He's got a ring on a finger where you know he sucked a dick and gets his dick sucked. He's just all cocky about it. About making just shitty superhero movies. What did he do besides

Jojo Rabbit again? Humphrey the Wilder People was good. That was like one of his early movies. And like, what we do in the shadows is like, okay. But then he just started

making like Thor movies and stuff and it's just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. You're not an artist. You made Thor. Making a bunch of movies

with guys with Alzheimer's. Yeah. Bunch of buff retards. Yeah, exactly. Would you guys fucking... I just realized if I became president, I would start

as many wars as I could. It sounds awesome, actually. I would start wars everywhere. I would start nuking countries. I'd go to war with everybody, actually. You have unlimited funding for the Pentagon and the military and stuff. You could go crazy.

Go nuts. I'd nuke Antarctica. Just like nobody would see it coming. I'd accidentally drop nukes in the ocean and shit and fuck stuff up be like oh sorry it was an accident it slipped out of the plane i would be like my first act i'm like i'm gonna kill a million penguins right now i'm gonna do i'm gonna do penguin hiroshima yeah right now i'd nuke antarctica just on the off chance the thing actually lives there a john carpenter monster yeah lives in antarctica i'd fucking nuke it

immediately right and then like 30 minutes later they're like uh mr president florida has sunk underwater you're like good i don't even care i don't even give a shit i don't even give a fuck i fucking i fucking nuked the rainforest i don't give a shit it's got to be quite a rush to be president and stay have a be a part of a false flag attack on your own country. That's got to be cool. Yeah, that's got to be awesome.

Imagine being the president and being like, yeah, so the bomb, they're in the towers. Dude, people have no clue what's about to happen. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to do the best acting job of my life. Yeah, can you imagine Bush and Cheney the day after 9-11? That night, just playing beer pong in a bunker somewhere. Just looking at each other like, I think they're buying it. Yeah, they're like, dude think they're buying it. Yeah. They're like, dude, we fucking kick ass.

We did 9-11 so good, dude. Patriotism's at an all-time high, brother. Anyway, let's get these Muslims down to that island and torture them and shit. Sometimes you gotta crack a few 3,000 eggs. I kind of think they never talked about it after, but right after it happened, they like walked past each other and they did that high five. And then they like each other on the behind too.

Like boom, boom. Yeah. But they never spoke of it. They did like a kid and play high five. Yeah. I don't think George had any clue it was going on, but Chaney's like,

he's great. He's a puppy dog. He's perfect for me. Yeah. I don't think George knew anything. Yeah. It was him and Rumsfeld doing that. It was Chaney and Rumsfeld were the ones like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Hoorah. Doing the snap after the handshake. They were doing this handshake. Doing like Bash Brothers arms together. Chest bumps. What did Henry Kissinger do that's so bad? I mean, while we're on the topic.

He killed 8 million Cambodians. Yeah, Cambodian people's seven eyes and stuff. But I've never heard anybody talk about how much they love Cambodia and Cambodians and stuff. You don't like donuts? Yeah, what's the matter with you? They invented donuts? Yeah. Okay, that's actually really fucked up he did that then.

Yeah, if they had it, then I'd say, like, have at it. Think of it like this. If there weren't Cambodians, there would be no Homer Simpson. A hundred percent. What would he? Donuts are so American. And they were these Cambodians. They opened up these donut shops in the seventies.

Fuck yeah. Without donuts. I love Cambodians. There's no Homer Simpson, which means there's no, no Homer Simpson means there's no family guy. There's no Peter Griffin. There's probably maybe,

maybe even there may be no South Park. I don't, I don't want to think't i don't want to think i don't want to think of a world with no family guy frankly i think it's disgusting yeah dude don't even joke about that don't even fucking don't even joke about that there was a funny moment where i was like i was talking to my girlfriend's like dad like i was with her whole family and he's like he's like a cool dude he's like a cool dude but he's like just an older guy and he's like he's like telling me about a scene from family guy he's like drinking a scotch he's like he's like a cool dude he's like a cool dude but he's like just an older guy and he's like he's like telling me about a scene from family guy he's like drinking a scotch he's like so peter comes in and then her mom like came in like this to be like do you want cookies and i

go i go kathy please i'm telling me a story about family right now and in my head that was the funniest thing nobody caught what I was doing of course none of them you were like this is I'm killing it I'm like he's talking he's telling me about family get right now let's all let's all pay a little respect did you crack

did you crack oh no I like I like plenty like I think he was literally like thank you so anyway he's riding a horse inside. Isn't that crazy? There's a chicken chasing him. Back during the good old days when, back in those days, I remember the most popular meme.

You say in the good old days with that hat on. It should be deemed a hate crime. It was 2006. The big meme was a squirrel holding a bunch of lightsabers. And then there was, the other meme was a cat, and it said, I can has cheeseburger. And the funniest thing in the world was Peter Griffin fighting a chicken for four minutes.

Man. Really great times. Great times. It was. God, if we could just go back. God. Yeah, if only we could get in Stewie's time machine, ladies and gentlemen, and go back. Yep.

Then victory would surely be ours. Henry Kissinger, I got to say, he literally just celebrated his 100th birthday. I saw that, yeah. I don't think there's ever any greater evidence that there is no God or justice in the universe. Yeah, the guy's killing it. That Henry Kissinger through the seventies, like fucked every A-list like celebrity woman looking like a Jewish Mr. Potato head.

And then he gets to live to be a hundred. There's no justice. There's no justice. So Henry Kissinger looks like the guy that set Hitler off. Like winding him up. He just looked at it. He's like, all right,

we'll kill them all. He was just on the bus and he goes you know what i'm fucking done i wasn't gonna do it but fuck this guy dude it was like his it was hitler's joker moment truly henry kissinger yeah fuck it i'm going joker Joker mode I'm gonna show them all Seeing Henry Kissinger at 11 years old Yeah Henry Kissinger at 11 Just being like mommy I would like a popsicle I'm Henry So what were you saying earlier Ben

You don't know why he gets so much shit So you tell me First of all where's Cambodia Second of all how did he kill all of them I don't know Cambodia It's called a mom's donuts on sunset. You think I know where Cambodia is? Where the fuck is it? I go to places all the time.

They tell me where they're from. I go, that's great. I love you. You're so great. But I don't know. I don't care. Don't tell them. I don't like when they tell me.

I go, don't tell me. Their history, like their country. Just don't even let me know uh yeah you're here now that yeah it's the ultimate like you're in the uber and you're like you make the mistake of being like oh that's great so where are you from he goes oh yeah so there was a big elephant general that like massacred my whole family in my village you go oh man well you're here now oh man well have you been to the amc burbank yeah that's great like like Tony I'm like well you gotta get over it yeah when people are like you know I'm from Thailand

or whatever I'm like yeah we have Thai town say you're from there yeah then people know what you're talking about oh were you born at Jitlada? great restaurant

great restaurant yeah Matt Groening's favorite he's a great big fat guy Vietnamese people I go are you from Phu 87 or Phu 69 or Phu 69? Phu 43?

Which one? The one in El Monte or the one in Temple City? Yeah. He's like, oh, actually, I was born in America. You go,

Silver Lake Ramen. I go, Silver Lake Ramen then. Silver Lake Ramen. Yeah. So, he blew up a bunch of guys because they were making donuts.

I don't know. How did we make money off that? Didn't didn't. Did we own donuts after that? Like we got some patents. I don't actually know why, but it had something to do with, you know,

I don't know, imperialism or something. Are Cambodians white? They're there. He literally almost said they're Chinese. And I wasn't, I wasn't even going to do it. Really just show. We just showed we know we

know we're very i was no no james cambodians are filipino no it's a type of asian cambodian okay yeah is it islands they're just like bigger four-headed chinese people it's yeah jesus christ Is it islands? They're just like bigger foreheaded Chinese people. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And when I've seen them, they have bigger foreheads. I think they're French. Oh, really? I think they're like, I think they're like Creole Asians.

Good for them. Okay, so let's move down the list because apparently we all hate. Chase is just like, man, Chase is like, I read way too much for this shit. We need to teach people about the world and the way it works. Lemon party's for the people. We're supposed to hate Henry Kissinger so he blew a bunch of guys making donuts on an island somewhere.

He hated fucking frogs. He hated these French Asians. He hated bear claws. Can you look this up actually? I think you're thinking of vietnam vietnam was invaded by the french and we took that over by the french afterwards you're right well there's a cambodian lady that works at the donut shop down the street from me that i love she's a great lady and i support her a lot i go there all the time and she's like half french so i guess i just i

assume that's probably we're gonna have her on the podcast we're gonna get her on here to tell us what what no but i mean that literally is like you will hear about like stuff like nixon like So I guess I just, I assume. That's probably, we're going to have her on the podcast. We're going to get her on here to tell us what she is. No, but I mean, that literally is like, you will hear about like stuff like Nixon, like bombed off Cambodia. It's like, why? It's like, he was just bored. He was kind of, you know, Frost.

David Frost pissed him off. Pissed him the fuck off. Pissed him the fuck off, dude. Yeah, like Richard Nixon was on his like, fucking Limp Bizkit shit. And he goes, I'm just going to, I'm going to break stuff. Oh, so Cambodia is like Vietnam. And he goes, I'm just gonna break stuff. Oh, so Cambodia's like Vietnam.

Oh, this is the bullshit. This is Indochina. Oh, that's a great suit place at the Americana. Yeah, yeah. Isn't there actually a place called Indochina? Like in the Americana? Yeah, it's a suit place. It's literally they give custom suits. Okay, great. So that's why he

bombed a suit. They were expensive suits and so he killed them all. It says here it says here, experts say Kissinger bears significant responsibility for attacks in Cambodia that killed as many as 150,000 civilians. Six times more non-combatants than the United

States has killed in airstrikes since 9-11. Keyword, civilians. So that's fair game. That's like pawns in chess. We all know that. It's not a horse. It's not a rook. Why do they call them casualties?

It's a casual thing. Oh, here we go. The backstory behind Cambodian-owned donut shops. Here we go, Devin. Let's see if they... Ooh! Yeah, no, it's this guy came here. I watch a thing called

Donut King. There's a very good documentary about it. Fuck you. A guy named Hanson Gregory, an American, invented the first ring-shaped donut in 1847.

Okay. Can we give other people anything? Yeah. Come on, Jesus Christ. I'm going to take a piss. All right. Continue shitting on Asians. We got this.

We got this. Jace, I think we got it. We got it we got it we got everybody need you on the show so anyway they're chinese people okay i'm gonna type in what bad what bad things did henry kissinger do type in what bad things did henry because apparently, according to everybody, this guy's Hitler. Now, Vietnam was bad. Yeah. But it was also so long ago. I know. We're talking the 70s here.

I know. This is before Taxi Driver even came out. It was a different time. People complain about Vietnam. I go, oh, hooey. It's a bunch of hullabaloo. I mean, what, you don't It's a bunch of hullabaloo. I mean, what? You don't see our veterans?

We suffered more. It says here, in the words of Christopher Hitchens, Kissinger deserves prosecution for war crimes, for crimes against humanity, and for offenses against common or customary or international law, including conspiracy to commit murder, kidnap, and torture. I like how you had to turn into an Asian stereotype to read. No, and he further calls him a stupendous liar with a remarkable memory.

So, Jace, apparently Henry Kissinger committed many crimes against humanity. What? Well, that's true. How come he's not in prison? He's fine. If that's true. Yeah. If he's such a bad guy, then why is he walking around free?

Why is he fucking killing it? Why is he a free man? Yeah. So he's obviously not. Next. Next. I can literally go on Postmates right now and it's like, do you want the new cheeseburger by Kissinger?

Mm-hmm. Get it delivered to you right now. He has his own pop-up kitchen. It's fine. Oh, he's like Mr. Beast. Yeah, he sells Bon Mis. I'm getting a Kissinger burger. I'm getting us a couple.

They're very good. But that would be funny if he had a pop-up kitchen for Bon Mis. Right. Well, he did Cambodia. I think we're already still... Cambodia is different, right? And then a Bon Mi mi Yeah that's Vietnam What is Cambodia's food?

I think it's like Bowls of stuff Okay Alright It's bowls I think they did Udon noodles actually Do they do

I don't think They do the thick noodle No I think it's Japan They do the noodles You eat with your hands Look up Cambodia They don't have trees there

So they can't have chopsticks Look up Cambodian food They only have tw have trees there, so they can't have chopsticks. Look up Cambodian food. They only have twigs. I know you just learned about Peruvians. This is a lot for you. What is Cambodian food? It is funny. I can name the types of food certain birds eat, but I have no idea what Cambodian food is.

I think it's a type of Chinese food. You know what would be great if we got you those birding books, but just for different types of people. Yeah. Staring at them with binoculars. Yeah, you're staring at them with binoculars, and then you look at your book, and you're like, oh, that's a late ocean.

Okay. It says here they're in Southeast Asia, and they have a lot of jungle land. That's interesting. So I raise my binoculars in the inner city. And I'm like, okay, so black American. I'm like, it says here they're an invasive species. I'm like, who the fuck wrote this?

Okay, you saved it there. But still, thank you for saving it. But holy shit. Jesus Christ. Thank you for saving it, but holy shit. Jesus Christ. That's why you hate crows so much. I hate ravens, cocksucker.

Ravens, ravens. Do you know about this? Ravens can imitate human speech. Yeah, I think I heard something about that. It's terrifying. You don't like ravens because of Ray Lewis. You're all pissed at them. Okay.

Before we go down the rabbit hole of Ravens and their sophisticated vocal... What is Cambodian food? Fish or muck? It's like a fish dish. It says it's steamed coconut fish and banana leaves. That sounds pretty good. All right. So it's like...

Sounds like curries with fish fish it sounds great it's the same shit this is uh at a certain point all those countries near each other and i once again i have no clue where cambodia is but i'm assuming it's near vietnam and whatever they all have like this it's like how like people go no no like they get really offended like i used to work in kitchens all the time and i'd be like mexican and big salvador like shut and i'm like well what's the difference besides like peas and carrots in your rice? I'm like, what really is going on here? I mean, people do that literally with like, no, no,

that's Texas barbecue. I'm talking about South Carolina barbecue. That's a vinegar-based wrap, partner. Yeah, it's pretty much that. Yeah, yeah. I will say this. There's a reason we don't know about Cambodian food. It's because it stinks. Let's be honest. That's why they make donuts. It stinks. It stinks.

Because right here, I got second dish down the line. Never seen this on a menu. Samlor Machu Trey, which is sweet and sour soup with fish. Oh, man. We're not a soup country, folks. We never have been.

We never will be. We're not into fish soup. No, fish soup stinks. Next, right down the list, we got stir-fried lemongrass beef all right that actually sounds pretty decent but that's like lemongrass is very vietnamese so they're very similar to vietnamese it sounds like uh their cambodian sausage apparently is very popular and uh yeah i mean that's it i'm not seeing anything here like i'm looking at the names

right right because here we know how to say pad cu pad ke mao pad thai we know all these these words these phrases uh i mean i mean that's thai i got nothing here you get anything there you recognize cambodian sausage nam ban chak noodles by sock crookilled pork and broken rice. You sound like you're doing that when that Asian plane crashed and that news reporter read the We Too Low something Wong.

We Too... Do you remember that? Yeah, holy fuck. Holy fuck, yeah. Yeah, okay. Their second best dish is literally a giant fish head in soup. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. It stinks. It stinks. Nobody wants it. That's what I'm saying. It stinks. It stinks. Nobody wants it. That's why they make donuts. Yeah, they eat the stuff that like James from James and the Giant Peach had to eat. Like gruel? They're not going to open up a gruel store.

Two fish heads on a plate, you know? Yeah. Although, when mush is done right, it tastes really good. Mush? Well, yeah, mush. You guys know what mush is, right it tastes really good mush well yeah mush i've always wanted to yeah oh mushy food but like you call it mush like gruel like just it's just it's like white mushy food's great it just doesn't look aesthetically pleasing but like that's i i've heard somalian food or like ethiopian food's great i just don't want to try it because it comes with this bread that looks like a burned victim's skin.

I don't know. You're supposed to eat with that. It's aesthetically off-putting. The one that's the weirdest is the African food where it's the pot of hot food and then the wet ball of dough you have to slap. You slap it and then you slap the food

and slap the ball and then you eat it. I don't know what the hell that is. Yeah. That sounds nuts. I think it's from like Ghana or something. That sounds fucking nuts. If you go to an authentic eat the open place, do they give you... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Very good, man. Yeah. As you wear your U.S. open gear. Fucking, like, good God. Right. There's a little meter on the wall that says racism, and it's just breaking like a thermometer in a cartoon.

I have heard Ethiopian food's legitimately great. Yeah. You're like Calvinvin cambodia over here you guys get so uncomfortable meanwhile you'll watch south park you're fine with like the starving marvin jokes and everything it's fine i'm way more edgy than you guys you can't keep up but it's fine everybody says i'm the edgiest member of the podcast. I'm going to get a leather jacket and stuff. Ben starts wearing shades and smoking cigarettes on the pod.

He's just like smoking. He goes, Chinese people, I don't like it. Dude, this is so badass. Fucking edgy, dude dude we do need to we should end the show soon but closing thoughts on potentially reaching out to Anthony Camilla to do Lemon Party

would you guys have him on what are you guys thinking yeah me too you want me to reach out to him I can just pretend I've never seen or heard the other things he's done. And hopefully he's just... Our friend Devin's a huge fan of you.

He went into a coma in 2007. He just came out. I just got out. I don't know what happened. I just said, they fired you. For what? For what? What did you do?

And he starts talking about how... He's like, you know, when Patrice died, you're like, he what? I go, what the hell? He was, he's 40 years young. Yeah, I mean,

yeah, ultimately I just, I would love to meet him. I don't want to talk to him about, I don't want to have this episode with him. Oh, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, if me and Anthony get on the train, we're going to leave you two behind real quick. If you and Anthony get on the train,

it's stopping at Doc. Yeah. He sits down in the chair. He's like, by the way, love that hat. Yeah. You guys are going to get on top of each other. He's going to get on your shoulders. You guys are going to put a big trench coat on

and go to a rally. Yeah. One adult ticket for Charllottesville please yeah just that hurts trying to rent some fucking challenger oh god that's so funny the big rascals oh man oh god that's the one thing i am i'm very thankful for elon because i didn't think i would see the most insane tweets from him but it's nice to see everybody back on twitter and just really going to town twitter is just like it's beheading videos and porn now that's all it is sometimes in

the same video i tried to find like a meme just to like send somebody that i remembered and i like googled i googled like um you know like j send somebody that I remembered. And I like Googled, I Googled like, um, you know, like James Harden or something. And it was just like, it was like porn. And like,

yeah, that video, the donkey getting hit by a truck. I'm like, I'm like, this is not even related to James Harden whatsoever. He also said he was going to get like all bots off and he's deleting all the bots. There's more bots than fucking ever.

Like under comments, it's just, or under tweets, it's just tons of like obviously fake under comments it's just or under tweets it's just tons of like obviously fake people that's why you know that's why they call him elmo because it's a goddamn sesame street yeah i mean it's his company is ran by a bunch of goddamn children oh you suck so much ass. I call him Elmo because he's got the man's hand up his ass. That's right.

Running in a damn Sesame Street over there. Big goddamn Sesame Street over here. Bunch of goddamn Muppet babies. Goddamn Muppet babies. Yep. Thank you.