lemonparty - 040: Lolita Express Layover

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You know, but does it even really exist once we do our art? True. You know? It's not for us. It's for them. Who even knows if we're here? We were never really here, folks. We're all vapor.

I can't get over how fucking gorgeous this Switzerland skyline shit that Ben put on is. Oh, my God. Look at this. I know. That is magnificent. They have it so much better than us. I know. I do love that God was like, okay, you guys get the most beautiful area, the most beautiful

people, and all the other people hide their money. Yeah. Like if we, where do we go to see this? Like you have to go to Yosemite and then you get like killed by your boyfriend. This is where people live. You have to go, in America you have to go to a place where everybody talks like the farmer from Napoleon Dynamite. They eat egg soup. And they go, I found an arrowhead over there.

They're playing the banjo and telling you to squeal. You have to go to shallow grave Wyoming to see something this beautiful. And Wyoming's only beautiful because there's like 18 people living there. Yeah, people there are like buffalo. They're just wandering through fields. Just roaming. In like groups of like 80. I didn't realize we've destroyed giant pieces of the land in the United States just by treating it improperly.

Do you know like where we grew up in like Texas and stuff? Where do you hear we did to people? Yeah, Ben being like, did you know there was people here before we put McDonald's in? Oh, look, apparently we blew them up to smithereens. Ben's like, it's horrible what this country did to trees. Yeah, Ben thinks Ronald McDonald discovered America. Yeah, I guess I am a big retard huh you thought the omaha race riot was blm you're like wait they burned down another target like no we actually killed like 5 000 black people the only way we learn history in this country is we have to wait for hbo to make like a superhero

show about it and portray it yeah it's true. The only way to learn history is to wait for Nolan to make a four hour movie about it. We're like wait was Thanos involved in the busing crisis? Oh so Oppenheimer and all those Jews they made the infinity gauntlet for Japanese people.

They made the H bomb. Does that stand for the heckin bomb? Yeah I didn't see anything about this on Reddit. How come they can't get poor people Reddit goals? Dude, the best meme in the world, by the way, is Donald Trump in Home Alone 2, and he's pointing like this to Kevin Callister, and he says,

Reddit is down the hall and to the left. That's a great reply to someone on Twitter. uh reddit is down the hall and to the left that's a great reply to someone on on twitter he says reddit is down the hall reddit is down the hall and to the left oh on twitter when someone posts something with something really cringy oh right you just respond with that that's great i like that a lot yeah yeah i did see some i like that. Right. I'm going to save that to my epic memes folder. My heckin' epic memes folder I have.

Yeah. On my Chromebook. No, I did see something on Twitter that actually filled me with a lot of hope. It was somebody being like, strange how there's no women talking in Oppenheimer until 20 minutes in, and then it's literally a sex scene. And then somebody, like some black person who's funnier than any comedian

who's ever existed, but you've never heard of them, quote tweet, and they're like, get this 2017 ass tweet out of here. And they got like a hundred faves.

And to me, that was like seeing like land for the first time after like the world floods. Yeah, sure. It's like sending a dove out and being like, oh, okay,

we're all racist and sexist again. Right. We don't care. Right. No, the Oppenheimer takes have been funny to watch. It's like sending a dove out and being like oh okay we're all racist and sexist again right we don't care right no the oppenheimer takes have been funny to watch it's like you know it's it's what like watching people learn about the history of the world in real time on twitter it's just hilarious and they write a very like cocky tweet about it like like like a like a know-it-all tweet but they're a know-nothing person. It's an amazing thing to witness. I see those people make the podcast runs now where they're explaining very matter-of-factly what is going on,

but they don't even have the vocabulary to know what they're talking about. Yeah. But I guess retards just share it on TikTok anyway. I'm trying to think of an example of this. I've just seen women try to... People understand that they can do a thing where they're like, they're like, wait,

there's a faction of white people that hate black people, but I'm black, so what I could do is become the black guy that hates them more than white people do. And I see women do this

where they're like, I'll be the woman who hates women more than men who hate women hate women. And then everyone posts the emoji where he's like, like rubbing his chin, like hates women more than men who hate women hate women. And then everyone posts the emoji where he's like, like rubbing his chin like,

damn, I should do, that's interesting. You just opened my mind up. That's deep as hell. That's deep as hell. TikTok's full of people going like pointing above

to the words and they're like, is this my ceiling? Right. I've literally seen TikToks where it's like a black teenager being like, y'all know about this shit?

And it's a video of 9-11 happening. Dude, I've literally seen that. I've literally seen TikToks where it's like a black teenager being like, y'all know about this shit? And it's a video of 9-11 happening. Dude, I've literally seen that. I've literally seen that. And it's Zoomers being like, yo, you capping, though. Is that the Burj Khalifa Tom Cruise climb that, though? Like, God, we're all a bunch of complete morons. Oh, man. I guess we would have done The same thing though right

When we were kids Like just being like Whoa Like and just pointing And it's John F. Kennedy's Head exploding Like whoa Bunch of cattle

For real It's like The Rugrats movie Or whatever we'd be Talking about then Not sure At a drive by When I was in Dallas

Looking at the I don't think I've told this To her When I was in Dallas Looking at the Where the X's are've told this to her When I was in Dallas looking at where the X's are Where he got shot There were these two just like really

They were probably like 17 year old black dudes there And they were like They asked me they go yo This where the dude got his brains blown out I know Like it was some guy from their neighborhood Yeah like it was just a guy. This where they got Lil Johnny?

Yeah. They think it's John fucking Kennedy. John fucking Kennedy. Yo, is this where they did the president like they did Pop Smoke? Yeah. Notorious JFK. Oh, so this is where XXXTentacion died. Oh, so that's why the X is on the road

right there Sirhan Sirhan's their favorite rapper I did I remember going there like when I was 12 years old and I went there

with my grandma and there was I was like I was the most 12 year old guy like shaved head to the school book depository

yeah to the book depository building because it's a museum now you know and I was they got books used to be here yeah we used to read them we used to read and I'm like get that Book Depository? Yeah, this is the Book Depository building. Because it's a museum now, you know? They go, books used to be here. We used to read them. We used to read them. I'm like, get that.

Show me where the guy got dumb. Show me where that idiot got his wig split. And I'm 12 walking around the Book Depository. I'm like, you know she tried to pick his fucking brains up, that dumb bitch. And he was really horny, too. So she's picking up his horny brains he was like the

horniest president ever and then his head exploded did you see her ass when she reached for the brains though Jackie O was caked up low key she had the yams she had the yo yo Aristotle Onassis ain't shit

if i get they still know about aristotle they're like if i was a shipping magnet i would have been hitting that shit dog no i was i was walking and i was i was 12 like the assy no the ass pruder film hell yeah dude yeah hell yeah yeah so i'm 12 walking in and this old yeah i know you're 12 you're walking into the school book a school book depository with uh your grandparents yeah my grandparents yeah our grandparents

our grandma they're like is this the book suppository they just shove them up their asses so he pulled a gun out his ass

and shot him we're retards I know we are very retarded it's also to let you know it's 110 degrees outside right now.

The AC's not working. Right. So we knew going in, we're like, this is going to be a wild one. Loopy. We got our finger on the red button. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. We got the codes. Mm-hmm. So walking into the school depository, I'm sorry that everybody in our story so far has been black, but there's another black guy in a story there was like an old guy who kind of looked like old richard pryor a little bit and he just walked up to me he's like you want to see some optos we felt and he held up jfk's head blown off on the gurney he's like five dollars and my mom was like my grandma was like good good heavens get out of here yeah it fucked me up a little bit. Did he act like it was a mixtape where he was like, you have to give me $5 now.

Yeah, like I was in Times Square. Yeah, he followed me into the building. No, but I was just like, no, I don't want a picture. And I remember his eyes were just fucking peeled open, staring at the ceiling. You could see the back of his head just like unfolded. I think I've seen that photo before. Yeah, on the gurney. Yeah, which everybody should see, just not at, you know, 12 know 12 years old for whatever reason they like scooped his brains out and

then shipped him somewhere else it was very strange they lost his brains you know they don't know what happened to his brains i think arisado anastas bought him as like an ultimate cucking you know not only am i fucking your wife i own your brains now maybe they put his brain in a jar and like yeah they make him his him, his brain watch Jackie O get fucked. Right. I mean, Jagger Hoover probably ate it, if we're being honest. You probably fried it up like Hannibal Lecter.

All those fuckers were so weird. Barbara Bush had like a miscarriage and she had like 40 miscarriages and had them all in jars and like put them around her bed. And she'd like kiss them goodnight. She'd kiss the jar and go, I love you, Georgie Jr.

Oh, God. Yeah, her children, they were so inbred just because they were both so ugly. They weren't related. H.W. and Barbara Bush were so ugly that the kids kept dying inside her uterus. Yeah, and he's also such an evil fuck. Like, of course his cum can't make life.

They're like, oh, it turns out cum, it's hard to turn it into the devil. So inside of your weird pussy. Yeah. The doctor's like, I'm sorry, but the fetus died in your wife's womb. He's like, that's what we do. That's our specialty. Yeah.

Sorry. It looks like your cum carpet bombed all the other cum. It's just in your jeans. My wife's uterus. It's like a shooting gallery down there it's a fucking free-for-all um but yeah no he they they would keep burying fetuses in like jars and shit i think if i think if i had a time machine i'd go back to when uh george hw bush held up that baseball yeah at the astros game and i would be in the at the top of the stands with a 50 50 caliber

like barrette like like i like a chris kyle sniper rifle yeah and i'd blow his fucking head off when he held the ball and he's so he's so awesome he's sold in that clip they would think his head just did that naturally you get away with it for sure yeah he would disintegrate have you seen that clip we're talking about, Devin? Vaguely. Oh, I got to show Devin this clip. Maybe at one point. Put it up.

Yeah, it's pretty hilarious. I mean, it literally looks like he survived the grave. He had the FBI kill the Grim Reaper, and he wouldn't come from. Hopefully it doesn't just show me a meme. I actually want to see it. Here you go. He's trying to deport the team. Look at him.

Fuck you. He looks like he's looking at his whole life in front of him. He's being haunted by ghosts of his past. Dude. He goes, I got it from here, Pop. Yeah. George Bush takes the baseball and loads it into a drone.

And it shoots an Iraqi kid in the head at 400 miles an hour. Yeah. Can you imagine like looking, like him being like, this guy's calm is the reason my wedding was bombed. Yep, yep. This guy right here.

People love him though. Look at him go. He does have a swagger about him. He has a certain sex appeal about him my favorite thing about george w bush is he's so oblivious he started a painting look at that perfect strike he didn't even go up to the uh yeah no he cheated he started a painting series called uh the immigrants uh like of the united states and he just paints different um like immigrants who are in like the united states

it's literally like he literally was like he's like i'm gonna paint my victims yeah wow wow but he's great though he gets drunk and hangs out with michelle obama yeah yeah no everybody loves him now trump made it so they like nobody remembers the crimes of the bush family it's hilarious there's just like. There's Obama at a press conference and W leans over and squeezes her ass and she starts laughing. He's clearly just unconsciously working through all that pain.

He doesn't even realize it. I think Nabokov said when he wrote Lolita why he was interested in writing a book about a pedophile. This is what he said. Sure. In terms of writing a book about a guy who really... The whole book is about a guy who really wants to fucking cabrel bad i'm not going to spoil it

for you but it's a you know it's a it's hard to all of our fans about to read lolita yeah all our fans are like man i was listening to the retard podcast why pause i was going to read pale fire yeah before i got to lolita yeah yeah yeah i was gonna read an 800 page poem that's weird and cryptic they're like honey put my proustian manuscript down i'm about to listen to lemon party apparently his inspiration for writing about the pedophile and it's not that it's not he wants to kids and he's the guy sure is he read a newspaper clipping back in like the 40s of uh this guy who was studying apes. He was trying to get apes...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We're talking about apes in cages again. I know you guys made a rule that I wasn't allowed to do this. No, it's okay. Now you're making it weird. You were talking about actual animals. Well, I forgot this was a rule you told me I wasn't allowed to do. No, there's no rule. You said a new rule. You're not allowed to talk about monkeys or apes

or anything behind... It's directly after a big race riff. I think we were talking about Bill Russell, and then you brought up the Brooklyn Zoo. Yeah, we were like, good God. We were like, okay. You could talk about it if you went to the zoo. Okay, okay. So Nabokov saw a newspaper clipping where this scientist,

this guy who studied apes, he was trying to get this monkey to paint for the first who studied apes, he was trying to get this monkey to paint for the first time. That's all he was trying to do. You know, you teach monkeys languages and stuff. He goes, let me see if I can teach a monkey the arts. And he finally got a monkey to paint for the first time.

And his first painting and the only thing he ever painted were his bars that he was in. Wow. His prison. So I like to think that's why H.W. draws immigrants all the time. So what's the Nabokov? Are his bars not being able to fuck a kid?

That's why he wrote the book. Literally, just a guy who's in his own prison and it's all he's consumed with. The monkey didn't draw himself, you know, frolicking through a field or climbing a thing and eating a banana and getting sucked off by another monkey sure who's also eating a banana or like fucking a frog i would love it if if he was actually just trying to paint dicks but he couldn't get the balls and shaft right and some some dweeby scientists like ah it's a metaphor for us with the same thing yeah yeah yeah yeah we're both gay right yeah i love a monkey they're being like well monkeys you know they're smart and they can feel pain it's like they they rip like dicks

and faces off and like eat them yeah they rip babies apart like fortune cookies yeah and they like spike their heads and shit they do crazy stuff yeah there's gonna be cases of monkeys like ripping uh i think i heard this on rogan actually yeah ben just play an episode of rogan but it was like it was like a monkey um he brought one it was like a guy who was in charge of the monkeys and he brought one a birthday cake and the one who didn't get a birthday cake ripped his hands and his feet off and then like threw them like 800 yards like away from him jesus yeah and then the guy just turned into a human starfish just laying on the ground they do bone tomahawk shit where they like rip they like rip ladies legs off and

their arms off so they can't move anywhere so they're just like pillows yeah and then they just like fuck them to death they do crazy stuff yeah they're like the they're like uh they're like the comanche they're the closest we have to them. Well, you did it again. You did it again. Sorry. We got to keep you on a short leash. Doing this podcast, it feels like when a dog is running really fast, like to chase someone that's walking by and all of a sudden the leash, like he goes.

Yeah. Yeah. Like a dog. He's just like, he's out. He elevates for a few seconds. Like a dog in Mississippi in the sixties. Yeah. We know what you're talking about.

We know what dogs you're talking about. Human, human dog whistle over here. Ladies and gentlemen. I just feel like I'm running so free and then. Right. And then a police officer's hand yanks my chain back slightly. Yeah. So I can't, I can't quite reach Fred Hampton.

No, doing the podcast with Ben, it's like those dogs in the long jump competitions where you hold racism and then Ben's running and you gotta throw it, and he leaps at it, but you don't want him to catch it because the jump won't be quite as far. It's like crossing a bridge

with a bunch of nitroglycerin and Ben just starts doing jumping jacks, and you're like, well, we're about to blow up. Smoking cigarettes. Yeah no you light the TNT like it's a cigar. You know Mark's brother. You're the guy in Saving Private Ryan when they have the sticky

bombs at the end who holds it too long and just explodes. I'm not kidding. You're the guy who gets the sticky bomb stuck to his hand and is trying to like shake it off. Yeah. If I was in Saving Private Ryan in that scene by the way because i have thought about this before and i know you just watched the movie i wouldn't give up my sock to make one of the sticky bombs because i'd be using it to jack off

well that's right that's what the sticky stuff was oh yeah it's all yeah use avery's cum shop yeah it's a yeah it's a guy going it's a's a guy named Brooklyn with a big wad of tobacco. He goes, God damn it, let's get Avery's cum shot. Put it in that panzer tank. Yeah, no, you'd be used like a human shield through a battle. But think of how many krauts I would kill. Would you? Yeah, I think so.

I like to think I would get over 100 kills in Yeah, I think so. You would know. I like to think I would get like I'd get over 100 kills in World War II, which is probably a record. Here's the thing. If you were in World War II, they'd send you to Germany

and be like, can I fight in Japan actually? Can I respawn in Okinawa please? What is respawning? You'd be helping Oppenheimer. You'd come in at the end and just be like, yeah, we'll just drop it here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah I'd probably do that Yeah I could see myself doing that Yeah It's kind of crazy Oppenheimer is like He was just kind of Maybe trying to invent

Like Japanese Reality shows Yeah that was his whole plan He's like Here's what we're gonna do We're gonna make Really weird pornography In 80 years.

He goes, don't look at it more like a death machine. It's more like a porn machine. So we drop the bomb. 80 years in the future, there's two Japanese women blowing a cockroach back and forth in a tube, and the loser has to eat it. What about that? Because Japanese game shows are there like, hey, who gets shot with a cannonball the best? Yeah.

Yeah. Who's going to fuck this frog, the game show? Yeah. And it's just one little frog on a stool, and there's just six Japanese guys staring at it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And from what I can tell, the game show is the reward in itself. They're not competing for money.

No, it's a day off from work. Yeah, they're competing and eating fish heads and killing each other and stuff. And there's always a Japanese lady in the corner lact they're competing in like, yeah, they're competing in like eating fish heads and like killing each other. And there's always like a Japanese lady in the corner, like lactating, just going like, yeah, there's, and there's like a money python.

It's insane. It's crazy. There's always a host with like a four foot tall pompadour. And he's going, and then if you lose the game show, you're in a Logan Paul video in the woods. It's Japanese Regisville, but he goes, and then he pulls out a gun and blows their head off in front of them.

Yeah. Did you know Japan has a thing? If you go there, they can arrest you and put you in jail, but they never have to accuse you of anything or take you to trial i've heard that yeah there's americans who have gone there and they're just like i'm gonna like you know steal a candy bar and they're in jail for two years with like no trial or lawyers or anything so they can arrest you with no reason like if they think you committed a crime they can arrest you and then they they just interrogate you all day until you confess.

And if you don't, they just keep... They can do a two-week hold. And then at the end of every two weeks, a judge just keeps signing a new hold over and over again. Weird. They have a... Yeah, it seems they're always arresting a guy who's stealing bubble gum or something. And then the other thing is the detectivesives you know work for like a few years and they finally bust a case where uh like a high school a girl disappeared and it turns out she

was raped 9 000 times and then they finally get to the bottom of it and arrest an entire village of people there are cases in japan where they're like yeah this seven-year-old disappeared and she was raped by two six-year-olds and you're like oh my god they did like weird like the movie audition type shit yeah it's really when you read about those cases because there's a lot of famous cases like that where it's like children raping and killing other children and uh when you look into it you're like the the detectives should be like they should be children too yeah they should all just be a kid division of the police force in Japan where they smoke cigarettes and have little briefcases and ride around on tricycles and stuff.

Yeah. There should be a little baby black chief that's always firing everybody. Yeah. He goes, you're off the case. Yeah. I think that would be good. Yeah. Japan's fucked up.

Yeah. Just walking around with a briefcase full of shit. Literal shit. I imagine everywhere in Japan it just... I was just trying to write it down. Like, uh-huh. Yeah, it's a... It's a...

Honey, you forgot your briefcase full of pee-pee. Oh, sorry, Haru. It's sloshing like a milk jug just walked that is very funny a Japanese guy the subway his briefcase falls open and piss goes everywhere he goes oh sorry and then he

ceremonially gets on his knees and then drinks the piss off of the subway like a cat I mean the subways in Japan are great because they literally put people in the overhead storage Yeah. Yeah. No, Japan. I mean, the subways in Japan are great because they literally put people in the overhead storage if it's too full. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, really? No, I mean, I'm joking. But you see those videos where it's like there's like it's 80 people over capacity and then they're pushing 30 more people on the fucking train. It's insane. They do everything right over there. It's all about efficiency.

They have suck me off bars. Have talked about that yeah we've talked about that a couple times the blowjob bars yeah you walk up you go i'd like to get sucked off please it's like a girl on roller skates like just gives you like a chocolate milkshake and then starts sucking you off and weirdly that makes them more productive because if we had that here i would like i'd lose every job i've ever had yeah i would never leave the suck-off bar they really live for the weekends yeah like that's their whole live i know it's it's very funny they're going to tgi fridays and getting like sucked off yeah you know they're getting their oral change getting sucked off yeah can you imagine like it's like we record the podcast like hey you want to go to chile's we'll watch the wizards game and get sucked off

not even like a premiere it's like an off night basketball game. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't their president, Shinzo Abe, didn't he get like killed with like a potato gun? Yeah. They blew his head off with a t-shirt. Dude, he literally got killed with a Donkey Kong weapon.

It was made out of like bamboo and coconuts. It was insane. They chopped his head off with a turtle shell. No, I mean, it was extremely badass. Yeah. It was literally like two tubes with like Coke can tops. Yeah. Like crunched up into it.

Yeah, he got killed with like a Pokemon ball. Mm-hmm. It was crazy. Yeah. Someone turned like a Nintendo 64 game controller into like a bong and then somehow turned that into a machine gun and killed them. Hey. They're so inventive. They're so inventive. They're really inventive. I mean, which shows how great

Japanese people are. They have one gun in the entire country and they killed the president with it. That's incredible. I think we literally have two guns for every living human and presidents have just been getting away squeaky clean. It's almost like they're orchestrating the whole thing. Dude, you just blew my fucking mind

right now. Mind equals blown. in the whole thing. Oh, man. Dude, you just blew my fucking mind right now. Right. Mind equals blown. Epically blown, sir. Epically blown again. Yeah, I think they also, didn't they kill Shinzo Abe because he's like,

I'm raising the retirement age by like one day or something. And they like blew his brains out. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Like, no, that was France. France was literally like, OK, we're raising the retirement age from 59 to 60.

And they're like, we're burning fucking everything down. Right. Wasn't something going on in France right now? Weren't they all rioting? Like, didn't a guy get shot by the police and they're all pissed because it's like one less person to rape? Yeah. Somebody got shot by the police and they're like, it was. like one less person to rape. Yeah, somebody got shot by the police and they're like, yeah, it was a 12-year-old.

They're like, that's prime, prime view over there. Roman Polanski's leading the charge. Yeah, I would never, if I was in France, I would never get in the, don't play hero over there if you see something going on. You'll get hung in the town square. If you a guy you know going after a young something or another just you know just turn a blind eye that's what you gotta do that's what you gotta do you just gotta let them you know when in rome you know let them let them do what they're gonna do they love serge gainsburg

they love uh surge gainsburg he's that uh guy who had a bunch of songs in france he was a he was a big like pop culture uh like uh uh like a he wrote like french pop songs and stuff and they were all sexy and he would be like he had a song where he's like oh the and it's it's like the bass line like it's stuff like that and he's like and he's talking in French, but I'm just going to translate. He's like, it doesn't matter. What is her age? It doesn't matter.

What gender is she? It doesn't matter. How young is she? It doesn't matter. Don't ask. And that was like the biggest song in France in like 1986. But nobody cares.

It's like, je l'ai touché. Je l'ai touché. Yeah. It sounds like, it's really nice. It's so romantic. Yeah.

Right. Is that song about Ratatouille? What's it about? Like, oh, no, it's really nice so romantic yeah right what is that song about ratatouille what's it about like oh no it's about how you should fuck babies yeah i mean i think i've talked about in the show but uh not japan france in the 70s there was like a major movement to abolish the age of consent completely and it was like they're like neil degrasse tyson and like bill nye the science guy were like signing they're like Neil deGrasse Tyson and like Bill Nye the Science Guy were like signing. They're like, you should be able to fuck babies. Like, this is a weird esoteric law that I can't fuck a baby.

That's the thing is like, how was it ever illegal there? Like, how did it ever become illegal to fuck babies? I think they accidentally made it illegal. They accidentally did? They were writing the age of consent and they wrote four and somebody accidentally put a one in front of it. And they're like, fuck, chocolate blue. Fuck, I cannot fuck with my baby niece. I cannot shove a big bread up her pussy.

You're just doing an Italian guy now. I know, yeah. Dude, I found out, by the way, Charlotte Gainsbourg is the daughter of Serge Gainsbourg. And that tells you how fucked up that guy was. Who's Charlotte Gainsbourg? Did you ever see Nymphomaniac part one or part two the Lars von Trier movie I'm aware of the movie I'm aware of it yeah the movie is essentially like real sex scenes of her and Shia LaBeouf getting fucked by like huge guys from Africa that's like the whole movie and everyone's like it's the most it's insane art.

It's I've never seen anything like it. It's just it's literally you see like Shia LaBeouf's cock going in and out of her ass. It's like a porno. They actually had sex in it.

Supposedly they actually do fucking it but the whole movie she's a nymphomaniac so she's constantly sucking off people getting huge cock shoved in her ass

fucked in her mouth up her pussy. People coming on her throwing her out windows people beating the shit out of her ass, fucked in her mouth, up her pussy. People coming on her, throwing her out windows. People beating the shit out of her. Some guy catches her like a marlin and then fucks her in the ear and then pushes her back in the ocean. It's crazy. And everyone at Cannes just gives it like a two hour long standing ovation. Actually, I think everyone booed it for like 20 minutes.

Oh, really? It was one of those at Cannes where everybody booed. They were like, boo, where are the children? Why is she getting fucked by adults? This is a little disgusting. Why is the sex a consensual? Why does the woman

want the sex? Yeah, it's premiering at Cannes and they see their first bit of pubic hair and they go, boo, le boo. Le boo. Le boo.

Le boo. We also... Pubic hair. Yeah, what pubic hair they're like yeah with with theater glasses they're like they built the eiffel tower so they could spot children like a sniper yeah oh man yeah i watched it because it's like uh I watched like a clip of it to see what it was like because I'm not. I really like the movie. I'm not a big Lars von Trier guy. The first the first half I understand is like a boogie night. So it's like, hey, she's fucking in second and it's cool.

In the second half, she is like fucking like two guys from Nigeria and they're just like slapping her around and like fighting each other. Yeah. They're like seven feet tall and they have cocks that are 10 feet long. Wow. And she's just like crying and bleeding and just screaming and beating the walls yeah and shia labeouf was like fuck that's crazy dog is he fresh no he's just going in and out of different accents he has no idea what's going on he is a great actor but he doesn't know who he doesn't know who he is yeah no he has no yeah has no. Yeah. That's why he's a great actor.

Yeah. Too bad he's not going to come back. No, he was. He was MK'd, ultra'd by Michael Bay to shoot more Transformers movies. His personality has been completely wiped. That was his big break. He was in the first Transformers. I just know him from Even Stevens.

He's great in Even Stevens. And Nymphomaniac. That's the only two things you've ever. Is that Beans from Even Stevens? Or what do you play? Do you play Beans? Yeah, you're watching Honey Boy. You're like, oh, you're watching Honey Boy, dude?

And when they're showing Even Stevens being filmed, you're like, what the fuck? And then it goes back to moving art about a dad and a son. You're like, this is fucking... Boring! Boo! Get back to Even Stevens. Go back to Beans, dude. Have dude have you seen beans recently by the way

who is who who is beans is shyla buff beans no no no no that was the other the fat weird kid yeah there was a fat weird kid who played beans and now he looks like a middle-aged alien okay and this is gonna bother me the whole show if i don't look this up he looks today he looks like he's in todd browning's freaks. He looks like a larva. Yeah, it's very upsetting. He looks like you pumped Jim Norton full of testosterone. Holy shit! Whoa.

Oh, my God, dude. He looks like Vern Troyer's son. Holy shit. Dude, he looks like he runs a general contracting company for midgets. It's insane. I want to see. Here, I'm just going to look him up on. He looks like he went to January 6th through the doggy door.

Fuck you. That's so funny. Hold on. Let me see this fucker. Where is he? Show me his ass. Show me his ass. Oh, there he is now. Yeah. Stephenony lawrence hell yes yeah i mean dude he looks terrible dude weird autistic in high school uh i feel like we're cosplaying as this guy sometimes like they really when beans came on screen i feel like they

would all rise from their couch and like start clapping yeah freaks loved the beans they really connected with him. All the mole people in New York came out from under the subway system. They went and watched it and went back down. Beans spawned so many characters. Who can forget Gibby from Hannah Montana? And Gollum. Yep.

Well, I think what literally happens is he looked like a cute kid. And I think Dan Schneider literally removes your pituitary gland at 12. Yeah. So they can squeeze a couple more seasons out of you yeah and now he has to do every only fans girls podcast well that's christy carlson romano from even stevens ah she has a podcast that i think is 40 times bigger than ours now oh well okay yeah i was about to shit on this podcast but it's it's apparently it's apparently it's as big as the Today Show. He looks like the inspiration for Soft White Underbelly. Poor Beans.

Fuck, man. Well, when you cast a character named Beans because you're all weird looking, it doesn't get any better. You know Ron Howard? What's his brother's name? I was going to say Dwight Howard, but that's not right. Ron Howard's brother. Ron Howard's always looked like a freak though yeah he'll play like a crazy homeless guy in an adam sandler movie yeah oh yeah yeah yeah uh this guy this guy's great and stuff but yeah fucked up yeah there must be like something really freeing look at him as a dude his face skin is made out

of ball skin that That's insane. He got a skin graft from his balls. There's got to be something freeing about looking like that, right? And just not giving a fuck. Just being an ugly ass motherfucker. A weird character actor kind of guy. Dude, he... What does that mean that I said that?

It's just funny. His face is like on a 65 inch screen. I know. And we're all just staring at it. Who's the guy who created King of the Hill? What's his name? Mike Judge? He looks like Mike Judge died in a submarine implosion.

Yeah, he's Mike Fudge. Yeah, he got squeezed through a tube. Man, he looks so fucked. But it must... You wake up, you go... You don't worry about like, oh, am I getting a wrinkle? How's my hair?

Like, you're, you're retarded looking. Yeah. You look like a goddamn microwaved baby. He looks like when he was like seven years old, he had a big handkerchief on him at all times. Blow his nose with. Yeah. Yeah.

This guy, he just has to make sure he never becomes so deformed that drool starts coming out of his bottom lip and he has to dab it with a hanky yeah you don't want to become a hanky ugly he looks like he's fighting his eyelids to see yeah he almost looks chinese he's so ugly i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry jace led me Jace led me to water I just drank You said the thing I took a sip Like I said

It's the dog You gotta That was my fault I didn't throw the target Far enough And he caught it in the air That was my fault Oh god

Yeah Yeah it's very upsetting But Ron Howard's Much better looking Yeah See I told you He's fucked dude Holy shit That turtleneck Looks like it's very upsetting. But Ron Howard's much better looking. Yeah. See, I told you he's fucked, dude. Holy shit. That turtleneck looks like it's keeping his head on his body.

Yeah, if he takes that off, his neck gets four times bigger. It falls right off. I mean, Ron Howard doesn't look great himself. I mean, he's like 70, so I'm just being mean now. He clearly, like, you know, God was looking the other way. But, you know, he poured it all into Ron. I mean, he's making movies about the Beatles. He got to be a child star in the Andy Griffith show.

He got to get molested by Barney Fife. Yeah, his daughter has an outrageous ass for a white lady. Bryce Dallas Howard, yeah. She's got a great ass. Do you think he got molested by Don Knotts on the set of Andy Griffith? Yeah, I mean, probably. He's got a great ass. Do you think he got blessed by Don Knotts on the set of Andy Griffith? Yeah, I mean, probably.

Yeah. Yeah. Was Don Knotts a pedophile? Supposedly he was a big gay guy. Huge gay guy. Loved being gay. Is that true? Yeah, he had tons of gay sex and stuff.

Right. Or maybe it was just he loved prostitutes. I forget what it was. I think he loved pussy. Oh, he just loved pussy? Yeah, I've heard stories about he would just grab a woman off a three's company. All of a sudden, she's in his condo in Palm Springs. Okay, I'll look it up.

His daughter, Don Knotts' daughter, does stand-up, and it's very upsetting. Oh, no, really? I think her name's Paula Knotts or something like that. Look at Don Knotts. He looks like Ichabod Crane. Man, imagine sucking, looking up from this guy's dick. Just looking up from it, you know? Imagine.

His dick has that same haircut. God, imagine him taking off that shirt. Yeah, imagine you're like a young star in the 70s. You've taken a couple wrong steps. You're sucking off Don Knotts while he goes, Andy, I'm going to come. I'm going to come in your pussy. Maybe I'm thinking of Gomer Pyle.

I'm pretty sure he was gay. Gomer Pyle was gay. Jim Neighbors was very gay. Hell of some pipes on that guy, by the way. Have you heard him sing? What's so funny? Hell of some pipes! You turned into Joe Buck for a second.

You turned to me and you're like, to the digs, to the 25! To the 19! Jim Neighbors singing. Hopefully this is... I don't want to do one that's too... Here we go, vintage video clips. And as we all know, he played Gomer Pyle, the retard,

on The Andy Griffith Show. Yeah. But apparently he was a gay guy who was a great singer. Jesus. Wow. That's amazing. Belt it out, buddy.

Hell yeah. I wish there was something more high quality I could play. He has really good Christmas albums. That's what happens when you suck enough pipe. It makes your lungs stronger. I do love that that was old Hollywood that you could be the most talented guy

in the world and then you're on TV in front of 80 million people and go like, oh, oh, Andy. Oh, dude,

apparently in the Andy Griffith show he like sang once. Well, there was always an episode where, yeah. Where he has to sing for Mayberry? I think this is... So, Gomer Pyle got so popular on the Andy Griffith show that Andy Griffith... That's right, yeah.

Andy Griffith was like, get his fucking gay ass out of here. Oh, really? He's stealing my fucking show. Stealing my fucking thunder. I'm Matlock god damn it and so they made a show called i think private pile where what the fuck scroll past that do not click on that ben oh no what is that do not play judy garland in blackface oh my god do not do that okay yeah so they made a show god i saw that come up and i could i and his hand was twitching like he was in Liar Liar.

What, are you about to type in 4K footage of Judy Garland in blackface? I want the remastered version. I'm just going to... I just type in 4K of anything just so we can have something playing. Here, of the space. Here, people landing in space. There we go. And I can turn back around.

It still popped up for half a second. It still popped back up. Right. Your computer knows what you're about to play. Your computer's like, really? Really, dude. Oh, man. Sorry, Jace.

What were you saying about? So Jim Neighbors, Andy Griffith was like, get out of here. And then they made a show called Private P um where uh gomer pile goes to a pow camp in okinawa and he gets tortured for every episode they wanted to put him in a camp but on television it's him because andy's like we want to put him in a camp and they go we can do that in a tv show he goes fine fair enough yeah it's like they're like you remember hogan here hogan's heroes what if they were just aging i just just being the shit out of Jim Nabors? Shoving bamboo up his fingernails and just whipping his ass with reeds.

Yeah, and Andy Griffith is like, whatever, dude. Me and Don are trying to get a lot of pussy. Yeah. So we got to get him out of here. No, it was obviously it was him in the military, but it's just funny to imagine that character just dying on Normandy. Just like 80 episodes of him just being like i don't know how to what hand do i salute with and then just getting just ripped in half by

german bullets yeah getting swiss cheesed by a gatling gun they have to the soldier like gives his uh mom the flag folded up and knocks on gomer pile's mom's's door, and she's all cross-eyed. She's like, He's dead! He's dead! I'm also retarded! He put in marshmallows in front of the flamethrowers. Yeah, but no, so he was secretly gay. A lot of guys, the dad from the Brady Bunch was a Shakespearean-trained actor.

He was secretly gay and he died of uh aids as well uh jace he died of hiv the virus that causes aids please yeah you're the guy who's like we're very insensitive about you're the guy who's like technically it's uh fibophilia not pedophilia every libertarian yeah yeah i'm a guy i'm i i i'm an expert on aids actually yeah i'm the aids expert that's what everyone else says too i'm gonna start dressing like jordan peterson and i'm gonna go on every because by the way like when it comes to like let's say trans people weren't like a big issue then no one would give a shit because they're only talking about everybody that talks about the same three topics has complete contempt for humanity and then they they talk about all

of these subjects as if they actually care about the direction the world is going but they're just everybody's talking about one thing and they stand in front of it so they can get more eyeballs on them so they can make more money right yeah that's the only reason they talk about this shit so uh if aids was really big, we would literally have, like if there was a point of contention that people had, everybody had a take on AIDS, we would have a Jordan Peterson guy, but for AIDS, making the rounds on every podcast,

dressed up like some weird Joker men's warehouse guy. And he's like, well, actually it's HIV plus the virus that causes AIDS. Like that would be the whole thing on every podcast. Yeah. We need to get people to give a shit about AIDS and HIV and stuff, so this starts to become the culture war. I'm just sick of the same three subjects. What they do is they play a game called Tag, You're It.

You can't even go to a good nightclub anymore. You can't even go to a good nightclub anymore. You can't even go to a good nightclub. I go to the nightclub. I'm trying to get some strange and all these goddamn gay bloody bastards. With their bloody AIDS. Poking people with their bloody AIDS. You can't masturbate in a theater in New York City without a gay man trying to fuck you and give you AIDS. It was me and Fred Willard.

And then these goddamn bloody gay bastards. No, it's very funny watching everybody's insane scams in real time. Yeah. Like Jordan. I mean, I was talking in the car, like Ron DeSantis is literally signing bills. Like, we're going to launch kids into space

so he can lose the Republican nomination. Yeah. Ron DeSantis is just going like, we passed a law. We're going to launch kids into space so he can lose the Republican nomination. Ron DeSantis is just going like, we passed a law. We're going to feed kids to sharks. And it's like 2% approval rating. Yeah. We're going to put them in cannons and shoot them in the ocean. Did you see?

And like 3% of people are like, I don't know. Sounds like a good idea. You're in charge. Yeah. Did you see his Hungry video, by the way? Yep. Wait, what? Oh, Ben.

Ron, you haven't seen this? Wait, what? Can you type in? I don't want to ruin it for you i've been ron desantis hungry hungry hungry he goes wait wait let him let him watch it though here we go he goes ron desantis blackface hungry yeah hungry um scroll down scroll down Yeah, I'm hungry. Scroll down.

Scroll down. Do they not fucking have it on YouTube? It's not on fucking YouTube. Are you fucking kidding me? Tell me Ron DeSantis hung we. Yeah. Hung we. With a W. Instead of an R.

Okay, hold on. What the fuck is with YouTube? Fuck off. Give it to us. Nothing's showing up. God. I don't know. Can you type it into just Google with like a Twitter link? Because that's the only place like fucking...

Yeah. Thanks, Elon. The only place where anything's allowed these days. Don't get me started. Don't get me a goddamn started. Thank you, Elon, for X. Yeah, here we go. I have to go to Business Insider India to watch this. You truly have to read stuff from like third world countries to to figure out about America anymore.

Oh, Rhonda Santis was so fucking cringe the other day. In other news, snakes are coming out of baskets. Apparently, it's a fake video. No, it's not. It says right here it's fake. It's not. It says it's fake. It's a lip sync thing.

I don't think it's fake. I don't think it's fake. It's not. It says it's fake. It's a lip sync thing. I don't think it's fake. I don't think it's fake. India is doing... They're running damage control for him. Oh, come on. I don't think this is it. It's what it says it is. Does he own Business Insider India?

I think it's a different video. Hungwe. God damn it. i think it's a different video hungry god damn it it's forbes says it's fake fuck so it was fake fuck man god damn it everything is so worthless okay we'll edit that out of the episode so people still think i'm smart you can't even you can't even enjoy it god damn it i hate the fucking i do despise the twitter note now because something will be hilarious. And then it'll be like, this was completely fabricated. You're like, I'm pretending.

Yeah, enough. I'm pretending I didn't see that. Enough of the truth. We're over that. This is real, though. This is a very funny clip of him greeting people like an autistic retard. Watch how he walks into this business. Wow, look at this.

Hi. How are you guys? Good to see you. So what do you got? Go right over here? Okay, good deal. Good deal. Crowded, huh?

Wow. Hey, how are you doing? It smells really good, I'll tell you that. So we'll do it, okay. How are you doing? What's your name? I'm Tim Hampton. Okay.

How are you? I'm wonderful. Thank you. Stay tuned, man. How are you? I'm wonderful. Thank you. Dude, that's my favorite is being a politician, but so autistic. You're like, I'm Tim Anthony. Okay. He goes, okay, that is your name. Interesting.

Wow, he doesn't look at people like they're people. Yeah. I mean, he talks like he tiptoes everywhere and has a leash tied to his parent. Like, he talks like an autistic kid at Disneyland. Yeah, he really does an autistic kid at Disneyland trying to get ice cream. God damn. Yeah. I wish that was real, but... Damn it.

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Well, we can still watch Hillary's America from 2016. Hey, there we go. By Dinesh D'Souza. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Love that. Fuck yeah. It takes a village to exploit for your fake foundation. Famous, famous quote. Oh, here we go. We can watch some John Daly stuff. Here we go.

Okay, great. It's better than Hillary. We were talking about Gummer Pyle having AIDS. Yeah, the dad from the Brady Brunch having AIDS. Pedophilia in France. Yeah. We were doing a lot of great bits. Yeah, Charlotte Gainsbourg.

We covered it all. Yeah. Can we talk about JetBlue for a France. Yeah. We're doing a lot of great bits. Yeah, Charlotte Gainsbourg. We covered it all. Yeah. Can we talk about JetBlue for a second? Yeah. I know we talked about that in person. You guys are really pent up about this. I've been such an advocate for JetBlue. They can suck my cock, dude.

Yeah. We flew out of JFK on consecutive days back to LA. And I told you guys in person, it's like going to the anthony kumi experience it's like putting on vr goggles that make you racist it was insane yeah it's you went to you went to boarding school at anthony kumi university i saw a puerto rican guy in front of me hit his wife in line how did he hit her dude it was literally like it was like this old like you know like you're in line at tsa where they i think they just like you know like the tsa at jfk you're like then we might get shot at the end of this like like you're at doc cow or something yeah and a guy it was like

a family of like 18 crippled puerto rican people in front of me the whole family was crippled except like the dad and the mom and the daddy's bald he's kind of like stumbling around and she said to him in Spanish and he goes and he back he backhanded her in the shoulder like as hard as he could and she like stumbled over on one foot literally can you

do it to my hand as if it was yeah I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it do the exact I'm gonna do real force okay I'm gonna try not to

okay put your hand like that a little bit he went like Jesus yes fucking Jake LaModitor. That's crazy.

Yeah. I wouldn't hit a dog that hard. No, but all of TSA cheered and they let him through. Yeah. They gave, they walked in with a first class golden ticket and they go, sir, you get to fly the plane out of this shithole. It was unbelievable, dude, how awful everyone was treated when I was there. On JetBlue? It was just at JFK how awful everyone was treated when I was there. On JetBlue?

It was just at JFK and then on JetBlue. JetBlue is just like a flying wagon train at this point. It takes you three days to get wherever you're going. They took us to Pittsburgh for two hours, and they just made up some shit. The flight attendants were getting off and getting bagel sandwiches. We were like, does anyone work here? Are we alone? Yeah, yeah. The like ghost ride in a jet blue plane yeah they like get out for a second he's ghost riding the whip he's outside in the sky like hey hey yo he's like i fucking

we're going to miami bitch just turns the plane yeah i had um a fucking i had i was sitting in the middle row because i bought my tickets late so i'm in the middle aisle which i get i suck there's a little tiny like new york like just a walking derrick jeter poster yeah yeah like uh italian guy faded haircut he's five foot tall and he uh i sit down he goes these seats are pretty tight huh and i was i gave him one of those yeah sure and then like a minute later he's like i'm from queens originally i go uh-huh i had to because it's a six hour flight i had to be like uh-huh like like the equivalent of being like don't you don't exist yeah in my head right now just don't resort to violence yeah i'm giving you a oh okay yeah how do i get them to stop talking to me you put on boys in the hood right i'm gonna i'm gonna muffle you with a pizza

shove it down your throat god um and then the guy next to me was like i think the guy had like severe autism um he was like uh five foot two like 90 pounds and he was reading a dragon book it was like midnight so i'm like okay i'll get some shut eye on the fucking red eye and then i see this this autistic guy open this giant dragon book and then just turn on both fucking lights like spot beams he turned on all the lights dude he turned all the lights and pointed out like okay great i'm not gonna sleep at all and then um he kept doing this thing where he would uh gracie's fucking knocking off she's been licking you for like 15 minutes you're a fucking whore. Bitch, fuck you.

You treat her like that Puerto Rican. I know. Hit her like she's my wife at JFK. But he would do this thing where he's sitting to the left of me, and then he would just turn and look at me, and I could feel him looking at me, and then I'd look at him, and then he would just go like ramrod straight ahead again. I sat next to a giant fat lady.

I was in the window seat and I, after the first few hours, I'm like, all right, I'm going to watch a movie or something. Make this go by quicker. I put it on. It's on for like five minutes and then it keeps pausing and stopping and pausing and stopping. And I look over and the fat lady has fallen asleep on the remote on my seat. Because the remote's on the armchair

so I'm like considering like so I keep kind of like trying to nudge her to like wake her up but I'm not trying to you know like be the reason she woke up but she's so big you gotta hit her like a linebacker would it happened to kind of wake the next three and a half hours she ruined every movie I was watching

with her fat it was it was fucking insane. Literally, your only option is to shove a popsicle stick between the armchair and her body to keep the flab. I was like, should I try and deflate her?

If I poke her with a needle, will maybe the arm pop? You can deflate her arm. Oh, what a nightmare. Yeah, dude, I was in the TSA. The TSA, to check your bag, was a 30-minute wait. Yep.

And I told you, I got to the front and there was like this older black woman and I tried to be very I was like how are you doing today and she goes and then just snatched my fucking ID and then you hand them your bag and they like fucking body slam it they like call out like the rock and he like jumps on it a bunch of times they throw it in dude I didn't even I went to hand her my hand her my bag and she just did the thing where she reached for it and then put her hand down. I almost dropped my own bag.

And then I loaded the bag into the machine. Yeah, I put it on for them. They're just standing there drooling. It was unbelievable. Yeah, I got away from that crippled Puerto Rican family and then I got behind another guy who looked like obese Pauly D from the Jersey Shore. He had the hair and the giant Kanye West slick sunglasses.

Yeah, the fats coming out through the slits in the glasses. I swear to God, he got there and he put his whole... He put a bag that said, there's a computer in here on the thing and the guy comes, laptop's out of your bag! And the guy's like like we gotta take the laptop shit and then he's like he's like pulling out you know like fucking rohifnol and

fucking tiny dick condoms and then the guy go i swear to god the guy goes so he's still wearing the kanye west sunglasses the guy goes to him he's like you gotta take your jewelry off and he's like he's wearing like nine chains he takes one chain off and he's like all of them and then he kept he kept going he's like this one too he's like

what is that made of he's like gold he's like yeah take it off it's metal he's like a swag clown where they just keep pulling the thing

out of their arm dude I had they have this also JetBlue has this ridiculous thing where it's like no carry on but every time

you fly you don't really need to check your bag if it's like a small duffel bag. So I got there, no issue. I said no carry-on. They let me on. The way back in JFK, just because they all want to kill themselves there, I'm standing in line. I show my boarding pass. The lady just looks at me, and she goes, your bag big.

And I go, oh, I mean's I brought it here on the same flight and it fits right under my seat it's my personal item technically and she goes sir get over there and then I go to some other lady and they make me like put it on the thing and the lady I go lady I swear to god I got here with

it it's the same size it's my it's not my carry on it's my personal item she goes sir check the bed. Like it felt like in anger management when you're like not screaming and they're like, keep your voice down. You get tased. I wind up in like on a big pile of people.

Yeah, you end up in Rikers. I can't believe people fly that much. It was so hard to get to New York. Yeah, yeah. I thought, I flew out of LAX I was like oh my god This is a fucking bus stop This is insane

And then I got to JFK A week later I was like this is This is hell on earth Yeah This is horrific It's kind of turning into The Oregon Trail

Where like you take a flight And people are dying Of like diphtheria Like people are being bit By rattlesnakes People are cutting open Their wounds with knives And sucking out the poison

Yeah dude You like eat eat a thing of popcorn from the fucking no tax place and you just shit your brains out and die in a toilet. It's horrible. The toilet's occupied because someone died and it's locked.

My flight got delayed like four hours because I don't know, it probably crashed or something. And they had to clean the dead bodies out. It's really insane. There's women on the conveyor belt going through the x-ray machine just giving birth. They just put a woman on it. Yeah, a woman's at TSA.

She pulls her baby out of her pussy and puts it on the baggage. Puts it on the baggage. Dude, I've been on a plane before where same flight I got thrown up on by some retarded guy who passed out. And he blew chunks everywhere all over me. And they're like the fight. And it's like, yeah,

we don't have anything to help clean that. So yeah, it's over. And then they just stared at me and I was like, all right, I'm on my own. I guess, I guess I'll roll around on the ground.

I don't even, I don't even know what the protocol is here, but same flight. Some guy, uh, uh, went to the went to the restroom and just started smoking cigarettes in there did they stop 22 year old like latino guy yeah they like they were they were people were there was clearly it smelled like cigarettes like there was a guy so everyone literally everyone on the plane was like, who is smoking cigarettes on the plane?

Yeah. What is going on? And then the flight attendant was sprinted back there and pounded on the door until he finally came out. Yeah. And then they escorted him to his seat and then they handed him a thing that he'd be fined a bunch of money. On my flight back to LA, I'm not kidding, there was a dog that was trying to attack people on the plane. On the airplane. So it so just turning into a flying prison in the prison yard

and it was a bumpy flight like we're bouncing back and forth and you can tell the pilot doesn't care anymore like you're bouncing the pilot's like we're gonna fly straight into the turbulence because I don't give a shit anymore and there was like a guy that was like the only non-gay stewardess on a plane I've ever seen. He looked like one of the

he looked like the warthog from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Like with the mohawk and the sunglasses. Oh yeah. Yeah. I forgot about that guy. And he's handing out like you know like nine peanuts in a bag and the dog tried to bite his hand as he was handing the peanuts out and he like got in the lady's face. You should get that fucking dog. You should

shut that fucking dog up. And it barked the whole flight. By the way, it cost me $500 to fly a round trip. I'm like, how do these people have money to get on an airplane? That's a pretty good price, too. I know. That's the sad part. But you wonder, like, where are they?

What do they do? Half the people, I feel like, go to New York just to get flavored vapes and then fly back to L.A. I thought it was insane. There's people, when you vape and you're on a plane, you ghost it if you have to do it. You hold it in enough so there's no fumes coming.

There's almost nothing left. Nowadays, dude, it's just people are just blowing O's in the plane. That's great. Nobody cares.

I wouldn't be surprised if somebody got a big bag of peanuts and started throwing shells on the ground like it's a fucking baseball game. Like in Texas Roadhouse. Yeah, dude. I expected a cowboy to be spitting chewing tobacco into this into the seat next to eventually flight attendants are gonna go up and down the aisle on horseback

with like a shotgun and stuff it's a prison they're like ladies and gentlemen we've just heard there's some birds up ahead so the pilot's gonna head for those we were all suicidal i bought i bought the tickets back late because i didn't know when i was flying back and i got there and i was like fuck i'm in a middle seat like row 27 i'm like you know what fuck it i'll upgrade and there was like one seat in an exit row and i click on it's like to upgrade it's 230 dollars yep yeah yeah even the first class looks like shit i'm like what are these people even paying for it's like they get slapped less

by the flight attendant yeah first class is not even full of rich people anymore first class I'm like gonna see like a pigeon lady from like Central Park on there got 20 birds with her that's why I can't really get mad at the people flying private like it makes sense

if I had the money I'd probably do it too if I had to fly yeah if you're Taylor Swift or something people do complain they're like oh the car like what is she gonna like yeah she's gonna fly out of JFK and get stabbed to death what are you talking about yeah because the chances of someone on a JetBlue flight being a Taylor Swift stalker

it's like 100% of the time someone who would kill her with a moment's notice and the thing is Jet blue is supposed to be like the nice airline to fly it used to be at least it used to be i haven't flown spirit in years i wouldn't be surprised if you got a spirit flight and it's on fire while you're flying spirit is just a big bird they tell you to hop on the back it's a phoenix yeah it's a mythological bird and i guess this has always been a thing but everyone on flights if you give them any eye contact and say one thing they tell you

everything going on with them they tell you their whole life what they do yeah they're like oh great he's trapped with me someone who can't leave me for once in my life they go you'll be my dad as the next lady when she goes uh you had a real good time in LA

this time I go she goes second time I go second time doing what she goes uh you had a real good time in la this time i goes she goes second time i go second time doing what she goes coming to la i go oh what why do you why do you come to la she's like one reason rehab second time i was like okay all right and then she just told me she's like yeah i'm giving it another go i think i'm really gonna do it this time and then she yeah the i'm right i'm flying on this plane i'm not gonna order a cocktail which i always do because she's still she's in that stage where she's gonna do something and not drink yeah i'm gonna go to the park and not drink i'm gonna go to bed and not drink i'm gonna wake up and not go to the bar and drink yeah they go fuck it right because those are the people who

spend 30 days in a rehab and they're like i'm healed and they step one foot out and like they pick up a cocktail somehow and start drinking yeah jesus no i was in i was in line to buy because my flight kept getting delayed i was getting like a beef jerky and a gatorade it was like a 20 person line there's no restaurants there's not even like there's not there's not even a cinnabon at fucking jfk i'm in line a A Russian guy tries to sneak in front of me in the middle of, like a guy who dies in no Russian, that type of guy. Dude, Russians do this shit, by the way.

They cut in front of everybody. I'm fucking sick of it. Here's what even made me madder. He tried to, what he did was he was like, he had his back turned to me, like flanking me from the side, and he was looking up at the ceiling

with the thing he was going to buy, and he was just trying to slowly back up in front of me, looking at the ceiling. He's like, oh, I'm checking out the sprinklers. Oh, I guess I'm in line. And I was just like, I was so. Like I said, this is the most racist I've ever felt in my life. You can't be racist against other white countries, though. This is fine.

No, no. I mean, I was just I was like not having it. So I'm literally doing that. It turns you into an asshole where I'm literally like I'm doing like an NBA box out on a Russian guy trying to cut in front of me. Like I'm having to swing my leg in front of him and like hook him with my hip behind me. And then we finally get to the front. I check out. He,

as I'm checking out, he just goes, you take this. And I don't know what he held up. And she's like, we don't take that. And they took cash and cards. So I think he held up like a traveler's check or like literally gold coins

he held up like his movie pass card from 2017 I hated that fucking place guy tried to cut in front of me in the line to just go through fucking TSA over and over again I'm like there's an obvious order here you piece of shit can I say everybody is really nice to me when I

fly and I think it's because they suspect I may have a gun you look at the way I'm walking and I'm muttering to myself they go oh sir can I help you with your bags right here yeah there's just zipping it open looking in it you walk into JFK they assume you're Steve Buscemi and Con Air they just let you out of the harnesses to fly. Yeah. Everybody's so sweet to me. The TSA guys always, like, triple. Like, when they put my ID in that little thing, he always looks back at the computer screen and then, like, looks back at me.

He does that, like, nine times, and he goes, do you know where you're flying today? And I'm like, where my wife says we're flying. And he's like, which is where? And I'm like, I think it's Phoenix. And he's like, okay. And he just hands me my ID, and he'm like, where my wife says we're flying. And he's like, which is where? And I'm like, I think it's Phoenix. And he's like, okay. And he just hands me my ID and he's like, go on. Right.

Well, Katie sends you to the airport with a note pinned to your chest that says, if lost. Yeah, she staples $20 to a note wrapped around my neck. Your grandma's phone number because she's picking you up. They do. The TSA legitimately does mental health checks on me. And I think it's because the FBI came to my house that one time. Well, yeah. Which we will talk about.

You think that shows up? Oh, I think that 100 percent. I think it probably shows up and they say do a mental like welfare check on this person to make sure he's not like on his way to, you know, blow up something. Right. So they have a mental patient do the mental. Yeah. Yeah.

A guy who's hanging by a thread checking someone else's thread. They're hanging by. Yeah. way to you know blow up something right so they have a mental patient do the mental yeah yeah a guy who's hanging by a thread checking someone else's thread they're hanging by yeah sounds a guy who has duct tape around a big slit in his neck gives you a mental health checkup yeah what this hostage hey you the hostages check in with each other the tsa guys are so poor if they have like a broken leg they stick their foot in the scanner machine because they can't afford to go to the hospital yeah they're doing their own surgeries yeah it's while on the job it's truly like a hell on earth i hate it so god damn much it's brutal yeah oh yeah i hate i have to fly fuck and i have to fly tomorrow but there's so many other airports that are nice but god the major ones unbelievable

there's no customer service like whatsoever they have no need to treat you okay if you could get a flight from burbank to boston that would change my life but i'm having to do lax to fucking like logan jfk all the goddamn time it's miserable yeah i hope my plane i hope it uh it crashes somewhere in Mexico and I can just start a new life. Because I'm going to El Paso and I think the way the curvature of the earth works, I think I have to like... If you ever look on that thing, like if you're flying somewhere, you have to do this shit. Because the earth is flat, so it's not like a straight line. So the way it works is you're like i'm going el paso but

how am i going all the way up into canada and down i can't remember which way it goes but uh it would be maybe i'll fly fucking over mexico city and then crash and just start a new life and just ruin that place that'd be cool i'd like to join all the new white people that are ruining mexico and making it hard to live in mexico city. I like that we're doing to other countries what we've done here. We're infecting it with all of our... We're opening up boba shops. We're, you know, just walking around with a guitar on the beach. We're inventing being homeless in other countries.

We're showing up to other countries and being homeless. I've always thought Mexico City needed a La Colombe coffee roasters. La Colombe. Is that how you say that shit? Whatever. La Colombe. La Colombe coffee roasters. Is that how you say that shit? Whatever. La Colombe. Dude, let's move to Mexico City and open a blue bottle coffee. Yeah, hell yeah. Let's

open a place where coffee's $40 and it sucks. Yeah. There are so many tech workers who are living in Los Feliz and they go to their neighbors and they're like, where do your grandparents live? Okay, I'm going to go kick them out too. Yeah, we're going from door to door

and asking people where their grandparents are from so we can destroy that place. I'm gentrifying down a family tree. I get to Mexico City and once I gentrify that

I'm like, so you guys come from Spain? Alright. And then first class ticket across the pond. Up to Lisbon then? Last week I painted over your child's height chart.

Used to be a family on pupusaria, right? Yeah. Yeah, no. You drive through Echo Park at this point, there's just people eating brunch on top of a Mexican guy's head.

The head is the plate. Yeah, they have like human Sherpas to get through Highland Avenue. Yep. Yeah, COVID killed the fruit guy's business by the way because no one has cash anymore i never see those fruit i used to see those fruit guys like you know they they couldn't keep up their knives were cutting through watermelons and pineapples like you wouldn't believe it now i just see them sitting there there's flies buzzing all around the fruit

anytime i have cash i mean i see my local guy, I do buy it. The fruit's great. Yeah, you throw it out after you were traveling. I go, here, you have it for lunch. Whatever. Oh, you buy it and then you hand it to him. No, I mean, I'll have it sometimes, but sometimes I don't want a coconut, but I'll just, because I know the guy's been there my whole life.

You're his only customer. The only one. You're like, how about you stop doing this and every day I give you $5. Yeah. Well, Senor Rockefeller, thank you again. Yeah. I remember going to one of those one time and I think I was like really tired. Like I had pulled an all night or something and I was just like in a bad mood and I just

needed. It's like I was like, I need some fruit. And I was like way too rude about I was like, just give me the fruit. Don't put the like. I think I literally was like just give me the fruit and don't put the like i think i literally said the stupid like the stupid crap on it i was trying to be like the tape like the iliote sauce and the like tahini yeah yeah i was like don't put all the fucking mexican shit on it i said no brain cells don't yeah yeah uh fix it up nice and they'll put all that horse shit on. Yeah.

Don't make it how you like it. Make it how it's be at a total ass. Yeah. Make it because I'm so tired. Like make it look

like me. And then you walk away. You're like God I really I fucked that one up. Buying flowers from them like it's better

not be cilantro this time. I like the fruit with all the spicy shit on it it tastes retarded i like the spicy stuff it's like a retarded taste it makes no sense i know it's very bad for me it definitely causes cancer taheen yeah it's no it seems like they took like a piece of like uh like a rebar and then they put it like uh with a cheese grinder like and just shook it over the fruit.

It's like recycled fireworks. Yeah. Well, I think that's the episode, folks. All right. We're at hour 10 here. Yep. I think that's an episode

right there. Sounds good. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party. Mm-hmm. Clips channel every Wednesday at 4 p.m.

Pacific Standard Time, 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Devin, hey, watch pod. Hey, watch pod.

Jace saw drugs by Jace. Gracie's licking my, Gracie's licking my fucking leg. And, I hope my plane doesn't go down tomorrow. Because otherwise, you're never gonna, no one's ever going to see this episode. Yeah, that is true.

If the plane goes down, we won't even be able to do the Patreon anymore. You would have no clue. I'll go to Devon. I'm like, okay, so whatever. Fuck Ben's memory. We're still making money. And then we'd be in this room beating your computer. Like Zoolander?

Yeah. Just shaking it and grunting. Yeah. Hopefully, I don't get astroworlded on my flight. No, yeah. People just rush the cockpit, and I turn into one of those stress dolls. Yeah, your eyes pop out. Yeah.

And I die. Hopefully that doesn't happen. Yeah. Hopefully I don't get trampled to death by a family that looks like a bunch of geese. Are you flying JetBlue? I don't know, man. I hope to God not. Probably not for that.

Just El Paso? I feel like I've been having good luck with Southwest lately. We'll roll those dice. I like Southwest. Half the time, the plane doesn't take off. The thing I do like about Southwest, sometimes it annoys me, but they do have the Mad Men stewardesses. Yeah.

I'm like, I feel like I can goose your ass when you walk by, and it's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can hate crime people on Southwest. They welcome it. Yeah. I mean, the students go on Southwest and they're like, if you're playing, they like got a drink and they're like, if this is a plane crash, who gives a shit? This is a 24 seven party, baby.

The party never stopped. BSOP, baby. I got an empty first class seat with anybody who's got some snow they can put on these hills. Anyone want to ski? Yeah. They also let you bring bags on to Southwest. They don't give a shit.

Yeah. And it is a first come first serve. You can take hockey sticks on if you want. They don't give a shit. You can fucking rollerblade onto that bitch with Karen. Something that beeps. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Anything don't give a shit. You can fucking rollerblade onto that bitch carrying something that beeps. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Anything goes. Oh, yeah. You could be juggling C4 like riding a unicycle onto like and still scan your phone and they're like,

welcome aboard. Welcome to Southwest. Enjoy your flight. You could have a box cutter tucked into your turban walking on and they'd be like, that's fine.

Who cares? Yeah. They also have like the oldest planes too. You'll be in a plane with fucking ashtrays on them and shit. They're like, John Wayne used to yell about Native Americans right

in your seat. In that scene, Judy Garland got the blood clot that killed her. You're like, ah. Yeah, Southwest planes are so old a guy has to like flip the propeller at the front of it

so you can take off the pilot is like charlton heston well that's the episode folks we uh we'll see you next week lord willing we're alive bye everybody

god bless y'all bye Bye, everybody. God bless you all. Bye. Thank you.