lemonparty - 042: The House That Jacking Off Built

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

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🎵 Chicken, chicken, one, one, chicken, please. One, one, chicken, chicken, one, one, chicken, please. One, one, chicken, chicken, one, one, chicken, please. Yeah, you like my outfit. Don't even make the deal. I thought you said you had some girl on the light, please. Always in my face. Talkin', listenin'. Girl, I had the best of these. Now we're recording. It's so damn hot. Milk was a bad choice. Ooh, Devin. Am I right? Epic bacon Devin over here. Look at me. When Devin has a good riff on the podcast, I go, Devin, for the win.

This is some Reddit gold! Right. The face when Devin deserves Reddit gold. He's a kind stranger. Aren't you guys kind of jealous of those dudes, though? Oh, of course. Like the epic mealtime guy? Mm-hmm.

What happened to him? Like, if you could just go back in time and be like, yeah, I just eat bacon sandwiches with, like, lots of bacon on them. And I have a beard. Carly Morenstein? Yeah, and I make $14 million a year. What does he do now?

I don't know. I think he mails pipe bombs to himself out in the woods. I don't know if that kept up too well for him. I think he's probably selling Dippin' Dots at Six Flags. Yeah, he works at a Copenhagen factory. He's like those guys in Japan where you can pay him $10 to beat the shit out of him with a bat. Is that a thing? Yeah, there's guys in Japan who, they're like, you know, like in the US we have like those robot guys who go. Yeah. In Japan they just cut like the bullshit and they're like, here's a baseball bat for $10.

You can beat the shit out of me for like 35 seconds. Man, we really did a number on them. I know. They're like, for $30, you can nuke my balls. Stick my balls in a microwave. Give me radiation poisoning. Over there, man, they're just like, someone's just taking a really big shit in the shape of a baseball bat and then they're like, pick that up and beat this shit out of me with right pick up my

turd right now and whip this shit out of me i mean they're so sick that they're like the richest businessman like their wall street guy walks out of the wall street building and then he goes to a vending machine and gets panties out of it and then eats the panties in a suit that costs five thousand dollars it was a tough day trading i think i take a nice panties out of a machine yeah did they even think the audition was a horror film they thought the audition was like a romantic comedy yeah that was like 50 first dates they're like i love finding this lady eat my fingers i even forget the plot of that doesn't a lady just get her tortured to death a lady goes on an audition i think and she like the guys in japan right yeah in japan and the guy's like you suck and then the

rest of the movie's just her like cutting the guy up into pieces and that's like the whole movie i never saw this yeah is it a japanese film or we made it uh we probably remade it with like uh like chloe grace moretz or something yeah i'm sure we remade it at some point chloe grace moretz and like charlie day and it's like a it's like it is an actual romantic comedy now yeah yeah yeah yeah it was uh shot in japan and it's a really big movie because uh i really think like japanese guys get off to it it's like a it seems like really big movie because I really think Japanese guys get off to it. It seems like a fantasy movie for them. Who knows what Japanese

guys get off to? They get off to fucking everything. Yeah, I don't know, man. They showed the first Saw movie in porno theaters over there. They get off to getting off. They get off work and they just start jacking off on the subway. You know why it is, though though it's all kind of hitting

me at once why is that it's because they don't have guns if you just let them own guns they would they would feel powerful just having something sitting in their safe or in their closet right yeah they go to the shooting range fire off some rounds and they wouldn't have to like imagine a woman as a big squid you know they wouldn't have to uh draw a child right and then go and go no the child's a thousand years old in this story i'm writing it's not a child it looks like a child it's a thousand year old deity and they masturbate it's called lolly by the way what what well lolly lolly is drawings of of it's not illegal it's like legal cp oh right because they l-o-l-l-i they came up with a loophole where they go actually it's a thousand year old demon that looks like a child so we can fuck it like technically technically it's it's immortal it's been on the it's thousands of years old it's not a kid they hired like

guillermo del toro and they're, how can we fuck this kid legally? Can create a folklore bad tale? He was touching his fingers together. Yeah. Like Guillermo del Toro. Like two pale spiders. Yeah, he goes, hmm. Guillermo del Toro in the hamster cage that he sleeps inside of at night.

I get this image of Guillermo del Toro, like he wakes up in a big pile of sawdust and he eats a big pallet and then runs on a wheel. I know. He's like, what if I made the Pinocchio gay? I love that he said about the Pinocchio movie, he was like, by the way, this is not a children's movie. Yeah. It's like, dude, it totally is.

He's like, this ain't your mama's Pinocchio. This ain't no Pinocchio for pussies. What is it, like train spotting? What happens in it? Yeah, he's like, this Pinocchio is about fascism, so it's not for babies. It's like, yeah,

we're showing this to babies because we don't care about them. Guillermo del Toro made a movie. He made Pinocchio. Yeah, he made a stop motion Pinocchio. It was like 100 pictures a second or something, and it was like some sort of insane achievement that no one cared about. Yeah, no one watched. It was a stop motion movie. Yeah, It was like 100 pictures a second or something, and it was like some sort of insane achievement that no one cared about.

Yeah, no one watched. It was a stop-motion movie. Yeah, okay, right. But it had that Guillermo del Toro twist where it's like the blue fairy is actually like a fucked-up spider lady. Of course, yeah. Can you fucking handle that?

Yeah. Everything he makes. Is that too fucking twisted for you? Guillermo del Toro is like, wait till people see where I put a third eye on this character. I gotta play something in the background, right?

I don't know if it's necessary. I don't think people are screaming about it right now. Make sure it's always not me wearing the same outfit. We did that one time. It was very embarrassing for me. Here we are. Oh, perfect.

As long as I still have the are look at that it's fine there we go as long as i still have the same crocs that's fine fine with me as long as otherwise the screen just goes blue yeah you don't want that no no is he the only big fat filmmaker by the way guillermo guillermo del toro no i don't think so who Who was the other... Because before him, we only had like... Orson Welles was a great big fat guy, but other than that... Peter Jackson, I think, is a fat fuck.

He's a fat fuck? Peter Jackson looks like one of his own dwarves in the movie. Yeah. They based Gimli off Peter Jackson. Yeah.

I didn't know that. How do you climb all those hills and shit in Lord of the Rings without rolling back down? Come on. Operation Dumbo drop. They got him in a helicopter. Yeah.

Just launched him up there. He choppers everywhere. He choppers to his neighbor's house. He choppers to the bodega. Choppers to his own fridge. Lands on top of his fridge and makes a sandwich. And then gets back in. Yeah.

Yeah. No, there's, I mean, filmmakers are, I think, a lot of the best were fat. That's true. A lot of them were great big fat guys. Yeah. And then the best actors that we've had, as we know, become great big fat guys later. They all become fat. They never get starred as great big fat guys.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Because you got to be gay and fuckable at the beginning. That's a rite of passage to become a great big fat disgusting guy. Yeah. And you play so many characters, you're like, I have to absorb them and like hold them in my body and that's why you get fat yeah yeah marlon brando had the soul of every character he played inside of him yeah because it is uh at its highest form it is a form of possession because it really was freaking me out behind you

it really sucks i still love that people like people put this on an 85-inch television and then just watch it an inch away from the screen. Yeah, it's deranged. Just listen to it. We shouldn't have to have a YouTube. People are holding drive-in movie theaters hostage with a bomb vest. And then just watch it on the party.

People are starting the podcast and going, cheers to the boys, to my friends. But no, we appreciate every single one. No, we love you. Thank you.

Yeah. Or whatever. What were you just saying? About what? I don't know. Fat people or something. Oh, we're onto a new topic on Lemon Party.

Ben's talking fat people. I was saying, I was saying it's a form of possession and that's why they become so fat. Like Jay said, they absorb all their care. They become like Kirby essentially. i was saying it's a form of possession and that's why they become so fat like jay said they absorb all their care they become like kirby essentially and they because it's they're literally like russell crowe uh uh the other guy mar uh marlon brando orson wells yeah they're possessed yeah so there's all these spirits uh inside them you know and that's why they they have to expand their flesh. Well, you have to be fuckable to break into Hollywood. Like, actors and actresses, they're essentially just,

they're just higher level, like, porn stars. I like when people jump the gun too early with becoming great big fat guys. Like Jesse Plemons. The two roles, and then he's like,esse plemons the two roles and then he was like okay i can he called his agent he's like i can yeah he's like i can do it he's like what's that i have two hundred thousand dollars all right i'm getting fat yeah and i'm gonna bang the spider-man lady the whole time he called his agent goes these snack rooms are out of fucking control

okay what do you think what's the point of you know me making it he He knocked her up. Knocked up Kirsten Dunst. Played with her. Nice, juicy. Nice, big, juicy titties. Big cans. Yeah. Huge cans. If you've seen Melancholia, some of the cans blow you out of the water when you see her cans.

Yeah. They're insane. Yeah. If I was in that Spider-Man scene, I would have just reached down and just started squeezing her. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

That scene really got people going. Making out upside down down her upside down too i mean first of all they gotta use a couple wires there real sturdy and then she's definitely wearing like four bras otherwise her titties would just yeah she was right side up though she was she was standing why would she be upside down that wouldn't make sense that would be a sick rape thing where spider-man put her in a web and he's like now I can have my way with you that's the Japanese

Spider-Man yeah because he has her tied up and they're like oh he has his abilities he can do BDSM

anyway lovely rapey Spider-Man everybody masturbated to that scene oh yeah in the theater yeah

everybody came together right before 9-11 and they all masturbated to Kirsten Dunst I was in a theater with Paul Rumans and Fred Willard. And we were both, we took turns just jacking each other's butts. Two PG-13 kissing upside down. In the rain.

In the rain. To epic. I do remember watching that as a kid and being like, if this was R, I'd see your nips right now because it's wet. And I know their nips come through when it's wet. It was a very iconic sexual scene. Yeah. And then he is shooting cum the whole movie.

It's very sexual. He's swinging on cum. It's not right. He's just coming out of his wrists. No, and I knew the nipples came through the shirt too because I had seen the movie Caddyshack. Yeah, that's true. And in Caddyshack yeah that's true and in caddyshack she's not wearing a bra and her nipples are coming through yeah there was a fun moment because you know we grew up christian but we had a dvd player in our car and i remember being with her i don't know if you remember this yeah being with our

cousins and you know the tvs just they just put caddyshack and they're like fucking who gives a shit yeah eight-year-olds need to watch golf humor um and we were i think i was the oldest i was 11 and then the scene in caddyshack where he's just fucking the shit out of that lady and her big meatball titties are hanging there and i look i looked at my brother and every cousin i was like don't you fucking i was like don't you fuck this up for me reaching down hitting pause on the VHS making a little tent out of the towel I took to the beach so I could jack off real quick yeah cause our parents

were up front you know talking about like you know like I think Ben's gay we should probably kill him because he might be a little freaky and then meanwhile we have an etch-a-sketch and we're like we're drawing the titty like to scale yeah we're like we're putting the titty on an etch-a-sketch so we can jack off to it later in our closet yeah yeah that was my first titty was it as etch-a-sketch uh cat caddyshack caddyshack caddyshack titty caddyshack in the movie airplane has titties for

like three seconds yeah airplane has titties in it? Yeah, there's one random scene where they're crashing and just a lady's like huge tits like walking to frame for a second. That movie's so funny. And at 11 years old, I was like, thank you, sucker brothers. I saluted like I was David Goggins. I was like, who's going to carry the boats? While I jack off.

Didn't you used to jack off to Schindler's List? I did. I had an old bet i forgot about that i had an old bet about that because i was uh you know weird i was obsessed with the holocaust as a kid um just because i was like finally it was so hot like finally we show him up um but now my dad was like a history teacher so he was showing schindler's lists one day in school and i was like 11 and i was like i was in his classroom and dad was like a history teacher. So he was showing Schindler's List one day in school. And I was like 11. And I was like, I was in his classroom. And I was like, can I watch the movie?

He's like, fine. Yeah, who cares? It's only six million Jews getting obliterated. Go watch that unsupervised. Yeah. And then I put the movie in. And then if you've watched the movie in the first like five minutes, there are titties in a sex scene.

And I was like, I remember being like, I'm like, I have to jack off to it. You gotta use it. There's a kid right now somewhere like you guys, he's gonna jack off to Oppenheimer. That's true. He'll be jacking off while Florence Pugh reads Sanskrit

or whatever the fuck. Yeah, while Florence Pugh reads the new Rupi Kapoor novel. Just the worst. Man, I used to jack off the hustle and flow on my PSP, PlayStation Portable.

I had the little tiny DVD. I'd bring it into the bathroom. I'd always have to be jacking it. It was a real small house. The bathroom's in the living room. Sure. So I'd just be jacking off and listening to my parents

talk about fucking gnome chomps and some shit. Your parents having an argument while you're jacking off nine feet away can you guys shut the fuck up i'm about to jizz you open the door you have like an old newspaper and a robe like you're rodney dage so you go you mine i'm trying to fucking come you're fucking nine yeah standing in your old victorian bathtub jacking off your bathtub that like pioneers used to bathe in and like boardwalk yeah he's masturbating in a clawfoot tub god yeah jacking off and then pouring a bucket of water over your head yep

no that was a good jack i could see devin whittling like getting a knife and whittling a hole in a bar of soap to put his cock through and jacking off. I thought of that. I thought of many ways to put my penis in things. Never successfully. Oh, I did it all. Oh, yeah.

Bananas. You fucked a banana? Of course. Microwave it. It's fucking hot. It's fucking great. So then do you just put the peel around your penis like your penis is the banana? Yeah, I'm kind of confused, too.

How are you fucking it you take a little bit of the banana out and then the rest of the banana gets kind of melty is it peel and then you just fuck the peel and then you fuck the peel and then you destroy it you're like oh my dick's huge i'm a king did you flush the banana like it was toilet paper and then you run through the streets trying to find somebody else's trash can to throw it in like an absolute psychopath yeah like you're committing murder yeah literally like dumping a body yeah i here's what i thought you were gonna do because kids are you know the ingenuity it's it's incredible it's unbelievable we can come up with i thought you were gonna microwave a banana get the perfect temperature with like a meat thermometer.

Like you're testing it, you're like flicking the dial. Devin's got those tools like those barbecue guys on TikTok use. He's got the back black gloves. He's like, all right, it's a 165. That's perfect bathing temp. So we're going to put some of that Louisiana hot rub on it.

Like that Bayou Griller? Yeah. Hey, how you doing, y'all? Today we're fucking a banana. How y'all doing? We're going to fucking avocado pit today. Today, yeah. You get your orange soda.

You get the most unhealthy shit of all time. I thought Devin was going to get the banana at perfect temperature and then sort of like mash it up in one of those bowls that people who are addicted to pills use. You know, the people that crush... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making like pesto. Yeah, yeah. You're talking about one of those Mexican bowls.

A pommel bowl. Yeah, where they make like masa and shit. Yeah, yeah. You do one of that. You mash it up like some insane... Like on the floor of the... Like on the tile, you mash up the banana. And it's nice and warm.

And you put that in a toilet paper roll that hasn't, that is completely used, that you've saved and stored somewhere else. Right. And then you put the banana

in the tube, that paper tube that comes with the toilet paper and you form. To keep it straight or so it doesn't, so it doesn't. Yeah, so.

Well, fuck it, if I had you around. I never thought of that. I mean, Ben would have been your oppie. Your oppie. You guys have like a big chalk... You're both wearing suits and have a chalkboard. You're like, okay, so we put the banana in there.

And then Benny Safdie's like, until someone builds a bigger pussy. I never knew anybody that actually fucked a watermelon or a cantaloupe. Yeah. But I've heard tale that that's what you could do. How do people do that? You cut a hole in the watermelon and then you fuck the water. I don't know.

You cut a hole. You drill a hole in the watermelon. You have one of those old timey drill things. And then you put it in the oven until it gets hot and then you fuck it you need one of those drills that like ice fishermen use yeah yeah ice road jackers they're all just jacking up into the ice right these are some of the most dangerous jacking conditions known to man yeah it's like guitar music playing extreme jackers wood is going to be the future of reality tv i would i would watch that right now yeah that was a real show yeah just a guy

with a big long beard going like i lost my brother jacking off on this road he was trying to fuck a trout pond during the winter he fell in only thing we found was one of his balls. This ain't for no pussies. Yeah, you're gonna, dude, you're gonna masturbate like at the top of Mount Everest. You're gonna masturbate at sea. Yeah, I'm gonna- Like a deadliest catch type of sea.

I would love to go in a hot air balloon and then jerk off off the side of it. Yeah. Just knowing it's blowing like somebody's head up. There's something that makes you feel very kingly when you stand up and cum. You ever cum into the toilet bowl while standing? Oh, sure. You kind of just feel like

you want to yell like, I am Sparta! And you kick the cum. Get away from me! Begone from you! Gross jelly! Vile, vile seeds. Vile white jelly from my balls.

You're flushing with one toe as you come. Away with you! It shoots into the swirl. Yeah, that would be even better, like getting one foot on top of the toilet and just like really like your face fucking your own toilet. Dude, when I was a kid, I used to cum come so hard like i used to be on my back i used to be all gay i'd be on my bed like like i'd yell like i was like having like a sex scene are you serious yeah i made it better i was

like free yeah oh were you imagining yourself like fucking a woman? My parents were gone and they were like, we're going to a fucking gay dinner party with the stupid friends that we hate that look down on us because we're like poor and shit. If they went out and I was at home alone, I would jack off on the couch and I would like lean my head. I'd act like a sex in the city scene.

I'd like drop rose petals on my face and when I come, I would go my head. I'd act like a Sex and the City scene. I'd drop rose petals on my face, and when I'd cum, I would go like, ah! I'd wiggle. That is very funny. Because it's fucking good. It made it better. So you're like Lester Burnham in American Beauty,

but instead of wanting to fuck the girl in high school, you're just into masturbating. I'm just into jacking off. Yeah. Man, that really... Yeah, dude. It's so funny that you couldn't even identify with a loser from a film no like you're like i'm you're like that guy's way cooler than me no i felt completely alien i was like i will never fit in on this on this planet you're jacking off imagining

you jacking off that's how you know know Devin is an incredibly isolated man, far from any sort of normal. You finally saw Ghost World, and you're like, that character, Steve Buscemi, finally I feel represented. Yeah, pretty much. Steve Buscemi in Ghost World, wow, finally. You're like, maybe one day I'll get pussy from a 17-year-old with enormous

tits when I saw Ghost World I remember Enid I was like man is there a woman out there with huge tits that hates humanity like me like it was a big fantasy one yeah you walked outside and someone leaned out the window and goes absolutely not yeah immediately absolutely

not dude go back inside and keep jacking off like hey there's like 20 big titty goth women and we're all fighting over them okay and you're not gonna get any all right fucking uncle fester child over here you said that before that you looked like uncle fester as a kid yeah yeah you guys never fucking came hard alone you guys never like like really played into it and just be like, I'm going to be free? No, we were like a household of six. So we had to really... Damn, that sucks.

We had to jack off like we were mercenaries, basically. I talked about this on the podcast, but I could only jack off to the Girls Gone Wild commercial that played at 3 a.m. So I just fucked my sleep schedule. Yeah, right. For nine years. Just 3 a.m. Just silently in front of my TV. Jay-Z's like brewing coffee, waking up.

Yeah, I'm like one of the guys in like Apollo 13. I'm like loosening my tie and putting a cigarette out. You're like a single mother working a double for her kid. Just ultimately jacking off to black bars. Yeah, pretty much. With odd tits. You're not even really looking at anything. I'm seeing the outside of a titty yeah i'm like i know these girls are getting taken advantage of at least so that rules i uh i got an ipod touch from uh the

school and uh which is this big by the way yeah yeah yeah it's like you remember how you could watch like videos on like the ipod nano it was. It was like, you remember how you could watch videos on the iPod Nano? It was like fake. Yeah. You're like, look, it's Michael from The Office. Right. Look, I can watch The Office on a postage stamp. Doesn't this rule?

And I did it happily. Yeah, we all did. It was awesome. Because we were in school. And I got an iPod Touch. So we weren't allowed to look at porn obviously on the ipod touch so what i did to circumvent this is i found out that on the app store there was an app called bikini babes but i knew i couldn't download it because they could see my download

history but in the app preview of bikini babes there were five photos of just women wearing bikinis something you would see if you just went to the pool sure yeah just a bikini a bikini babe and uh i was addicted to that for like five months and then our preacher said like if there is any one of you if there's anything in your home that is is holding you back from maybe entering the kingdom of heaven whether whether it is a television set you know take a sledgehammer to it because you can't take it with you when you die he goes if there's any kids out here jerking off to an ipad nano preview screen come forward and be washed again brother dude do you know what i did on like uh that uh county road 150 right there on the way to the house like outside tuscola yeah i stopped at that little bridge where there's a creek that's

running through and i got out and i stood on the bridge and i like you're getting rid of evidence. Yeah. Like you're just like, unload the 100 kilos on the south side. Breaking them. You know what's so funny? You know what's so funny?

This is how equally fucked up we both were. Oh, by the way, then I went home and I masturbated within like 30 minutes. And then you were like, fuck. I immediately went home and just like masturbated over the toilet because I was so like, fuck. But I thought like driving just masturbated over the toilet because I was so like, fuck. But I thought driving home, I was like, I'm never going to jack off again the rest of my life.

Right. By the way. It got to 15 minutes later, like, oh, yeah, fuck. Fuck, yeah. By the way, legal driving age in the story. Old enough to operate a machinery. I believe I was 17 years old. And you're throwing away your ipod nano

keep in mind i still thought babies came out of the butt i thought you came in a butt i didn't know what a vagina i didn't i thought a vagina was for p and that you fuck women in the ass right because that's how and that's what you've been telling katie for years that's why this baby is shocking you're like I don't know I guess I pulled out and something leaked into your pussy I think your pussy's your asshole

yeah you're like a 1940's couple in like Kinsey or something I had to go off of like what I saw with my eyes which is the only thing I saw have sex was dogs and then you go have context clues from movies.

Sometimes a guy puts it, he goes, I don't know, a woman up against a wall. And I'm like, oh,

he's putting it in her ass. Yeah, I had that when I was a kid. I was like, how the fuck is they doing

this in the kitchen this way? It must be big butt sex. I also like you imagining that dogs are butt fucking.

Like dogs are squirting on each other's asses. They're fucking each other in the ass yeah cause I was like

well how does I go to cause I figured out two male dogs fuck each other there you go and I was like well I go

it's the ass it's all in the ass what's funny if you were gay you'd be like perfect nailed it nailed it

nailed it out of the gay yeah if I was gay it wouldn't matter yeah the gay community would have made you their god like oh my god he's so gay he doesn't matter yeah the gay community would have made you their god like oh my god

he's so gay he doesn't acknowledge vaginal sex he doesn't know what it is he's so gay he asked me what the fuck a pussy is he's the gayest man alive he refuses to even know what a pussy is yeah won't even won't even look at one he covers it with his hand like he's watching a scary movie can't describe him i remember getting baptized i think i don't know if you did the same thing i got baptized when i was 12 i got baptized at 13 i was i was a late bloomer in the church um and baptized baptism like washes away all your sins so i remember being like okay we're uh we believe in ablution which is full subversion under the water and then back up.

None of this sprinkle shit. Right, right, right. That's when people are going to hell. We're like, you got to get baptized like a soggy bottom boy. Right. That's the only way to do it. So I remember like, I was like, okay, when I get baptized, you got to get baptized so you don't go to hell. Yeah.

When you're like 12. Because once you know the difference between right and wrong to get baptized so you don't go to hell when you're like 12. Because once you know the difference between right and wrong, if you die, you can go to hell. Right. So you got to get baptized pretty much immediately. Right. And it's all these loopholes. If you were driving to get baptized and you died, God would be like, sorry, you get raped

by the devil forever. So I was like, I knew I was like, okay, baptism, that's a clean shot. So I'm going to like, just for two weeks, I'm just going to get all the cum out. And I'll just never jack off again. You acted like you were declaring bankruptcy. Yeah, basically. I was like, I got to spend some assets. You were like, I still got some credit.

I was like, honey, that condo in the Cayman Islands, sell it. Put it offshore. You know all that cum in Jamaica we have? We gotta get rid of that. I'm burying cum in jars in my backyard. Put cum in the vents. Chalk warp cum. So you racked up two weeks of hardcore.

So I did that thing you would do as a 12-year-old sometimes where you just beat your own dick up. It's like red and inflamed and shit. then i went and then it was finally it was the middle of the night and i remember i went and i was like tossing and turning i go okay i like i'm like i think i tried to beat off it's like okay i can't beat off anymore and i was like i was like okay i need to get baptized i'll go to hell like right now if I die and I went to I woke my mom and dad up and it was like 2am I was like I think I wanna get baptized

and they're like okay alright fucking calm the fuck down like also take a bath yeah take a bath also yeah you smell like sour cream and onion chips and when you walked in it looked like you looked like powder from the movie powder

yeah you left you got out of bed you left a cicada shell of cum that looked like your body in the bed and then and then we went the next morning and i got i got dunked underwater i was like okay clean slate and i i think I made it two weeks and literally like my balls were like engorged because you're 12 you're 13 years old you know I was like my balls were like yeah fucking looked like Bo was afraid and I was like I think my dick's gonna

explode or something yeah I think I'm gonna start coming out of my ass and I remember that yeah like as you're getting baptized you're jacking off underwater yeah you immediately start jacking off. I'm like, I'm above water, just kidding! In that big fucking master's caddy outfit

they baptize you in. Yeah, they put you in a big... Something you'd, like, boil crawdads. Like, you'd wear it, I don't know, it was strange. It was a big rubber, like, poncho. To get baptized in? Well, they got to baptize biggins in the tub. So weird.

So they have an XXXL rubber suit. It was very strange. I got baptized once, but then later on, my mom just told me it was my dad trying to drown me. Dad got drunk and thought you were the cat. He got a little angry. So anyway, I remember my first jack back. Oh, wow. Interesting.

And it really did feel like the long weekend. Like I was staring down the bottom of a glass and I go, well, here's to nothing. Just started jacking off. Because you're white knuckling being a human being. I was like, I need AA for jacking off because you're white knuckling being a human being i was like i need a for jacking off yeah and then you just you had no one in your life was like hey this is normal just to like have a biological urge to come right this isn't coded in your dna no you can't beat this no stop hating yourself for being a human being yeah because it was everybody you know you go to church everybody be like and none of us have ever jacked off and then like you know their hands are covered in calm and

i also remember as a kid somebody made a joke at school where they're like if you jack off you'll grow hair on your palms i mean it's just like pubes yeah so i literally thought if i kept jacking off i would grow like hairy wolf hands and everyone would know yeah everybody'd be like this is the only guy who's ever jacked off right you know right i had weird like uh since no one told us anything i was like well fuck i remember like uh jacking off like in the shower once and i was like and then i was like ah shit i was like but we have like a a sister what if like i was like what if the cum like touches her foot and she gets like an incest baby or something yeah because i'm like what if it doesn't all go down the drain and it dries?

And then four days later, she takes a shower and it touches her foot and then she's pregnant. You thought getting pregnant was like how a superhero gets his powers. Like you fall in cum. Yeah, like what if I cum on a bug and then a spider eats that bug? And then it has my cum in its belly and then it bites my sister. And then everybody knows I jacked off once so you're you're in the shower you're having to like you squish come down the drain with your foot having to like stop it in like it's a cheese grater clean salt on it like they're

snails yeah I would put shampoo on it to kill kill the sperm yeah I remember when I found out my uncle was gay who I you know hung out it to kill the sperm, what I thought. I remember when I found out my uncle was gay, who I hung out with all the time, that I didn't know anything, so I stopped being gay. They all had AIDS. Right. So I remember after a long day,

I washed my hands and everything, but I was jacking off, and I was like, but I did touch my uncle today. And I was like, did I give myself AIDS? For the next next week you walked around in that philadelphia hat that big scarf just like i was broken bad and i was dying of age yeah just singing bruce springsteen to myself getting fucked in my ass nothing more necessary for a young boy than to jack off, truly. Oh, for sure.

Couldn't recommend it enough to any of the kids listening. Yeah. You got to try it at home. Any 12-year-olds listening to the podcast, only jack off. Yeah. That's all you should be doing. This is the time you really get to make a fucking meal of it. So do it now.

And the cums are way better. Yeah. Now it's like, I got to do my taxes first. I got to go talk to this accountant. Yeah. Yeah. I get these numb cums now. It's like, taxes first i gotta go talk to the this accountant yeah yeah i get these like numb cums now it's like i i would kill to go back to the old cums the kid comes oh the kid comes are insane kid comes i thought i was losing spinal fluid it was unbelievable yeah it was unbelievable how hard you came yeah it was like it was like a bb gun like

you'd hit the like ceilings i think i remember hitting the ceiling a couple times that's incredible yeah like coming to be like marty mcfly at the beginning of back to the future BB gun. You'd hit the ceilings. I think I remember hitting the ceiling a couple times. That's incredible. You'd come and be like Marty McFly at the beginning of Back to the Future. Just getting blown back. Yeah, now it's just like sometimes I jack off. I'm like, did I even come? Yeah, I have no clue. I don't know. Did I fake it for myself? I'll jack off and the

cum will come out like an hour later. An hour later. While you're making eggs, you could feel it slide out of your penis yeah yeah it's like a door dash delivery you jack off and you look at your smart watch and it says like you know your com will be here in 45 minutes yeah it's a domino's pizza tracker like all right so it's in the base of my urethra right now there's's a Chinese guy picking up my cum to take it out. I was so, in fifth grade, the teacher had to tell my mom to start buying me a certain oil for my hands.

Because it was covered in cum. It was covered in so much cum. Right, she's like, have him bathe in motor oil to clean it off. In fifth grade, I had no idea what cum or like what my penis even was. Well, because when you first start jacking off, nothing comes out. So you're like, you freak out. But then at the same time, you're like, there is no cleanup. This is kind of like I miss those days.

No cleanup. When you just came air. Yeah. It's like having a hotel room versus being in your home. Yeah. Yeah. No cleanup. Yeah.

Oh, the first, I remember the first time cum coming out. I'm like, I broke it. I broke my pee pee. Yeah. It exploded. first, I remember the first time I'm coming out, I'm like, I broke it. I broke my pee-pee. Yeah. It exploded. I exploded my pee-pee. I remember, like, my friends would be like, no, I came. It's like, you know, it's like all, like, milky and weird looking.

And I was like, fuck, mine was, like, all clear for a while. I remember, like, having moments where I would just stare at myself in the mirror, like fucking Johnny Cash and walk the line or whatever. Like, hitting myself, like, come on! You gotta come come I was like even your fucking Korean friends are jizzing they're telling you

they got these milky loads what the fuck is wrong with you you come clear and then you just rip your sink out of your well

god damn it June I can't do it yeah Devin thinks his family name is on the line. No, I really did. Think of your lineage. God damn it. Man, I was stressed. You were stressed out back

then. Did you guys have any... The reason why I had to get special oil for my hands, whatever it was, I don't know what it was, was because I'd wash my hands so much they would bleed. They would scab and then bleed and blood would go everywhere. And I was getting like blood on my desk.

No, I mean, I think if anything, like my hygiene was not up to par back then. I don't think I was washing my hands enough. If anything, my hands were covered in other people's blood because I never washed it off. I wonder what that was. I think that's just like OCD, like an anxiety disorder type of thing.

So I had that when I was like 10? Yeah, you were just dealing with like unbelievable stress and it was coming out, you know. You were turning into like somebody from the master. Yeah, yeah, you just had OCD basically. I didn't know you could like at 10 be like the monk. Well, it's because you're fucking- Like Tony Shalhoub or something. Parents, you know, you guys were indoctrinated into a weird-

Yeah. It had something to do with it for sure. Yeah, we believed like a peewee torture land was real and we would go to it for jacking off. So it makes sense you were rubbing bones out in the sink. Jace was putting cum in a safety deposit box because he was afraid of getting baptized and never cumming again.

Like he goes to the bank. It's like a key. Yeah, like casino. I'm like a key. Yeah, like a casino. I'm like, this is your cup. You safeguard this cup. You go in the room, safety deposit box, you open it, and there's just lotion and tissues. And then you try and shove it back into your balls

so you could cum again. Yeah, I'm mailing cum to my uncle upstate, over state lines. I'm like, don't open it keep it somewhere safe i'm gonna come to you i'm gonna ask for this one day keep it safe no i mean i'm i'm i remember because i i to not get caught i would i would uh i would jack off through my pants i only gave myself otp hjs and it fucked my dick up my dick to this day my dick to this day could go like if i'm hard go flat like across my thigh so you just kind of

like i also i learned i didn't know how to jack off so i i still to this day jack off like overhand like this i jack off like i'm mentally retarded you're kidding me i'm not kidding you jack off like I'm mentally retarded. Are you kidding me? I'm not kidding. You jack off like a prisoner eating. And they hold the fork all retarded. I know. Dude, I jack off like I'm eating mac and cheese out of a pot I cooked it in. I know. It's fucked up. I can't do it any other way.

I can't do it any other way, dude. You really have never tried other way? I didn't know. Wow. As an adult, I'm like, okay, it's time to put childish things away. And I've tried to throw it underhand. I'm like, this is... Man, that's crazy. It feels like throwing a baseball left-handed.

I'm like, I can't do it. Sure. You jack off southpaw. I do. That's crazy. I jack off southpaw and upside down. It's insane. And so now my dick can fully hard just bend this way like a fucking hinge.

I've legitimately never heard of anyone doing that. I know, it's really fucked up. Do you do it with the left hand as well? I don't have to, I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't think I've ever,

I don't know. I think maybe when I'm jacking off sometimes I've done that like overhand for a second because it makes it kind of feel longer or bigger or something

or different. I just work the tip just like that. You just work the tip, really? I do this. Like you're taking somebody's under the legs?

Yeah, that's me. Is that the and one mixtape jacking off? I learned that from Bob Burnquist. Yeah, you learned that from the professor. Oh, he said and one mixtape. My bad.

Bob Burnquist is also very funny. Yeah, Ben was jacking off like Rodney Mullen. I learned how to jack off from playing a tony hawks pro skater yeah you got me doing everything i can on the superman guess i better knock on wood so yes you do this and then you squeeze it and i squeeze the tip and that's that's how i jack off and it actually for a while because i would i couldn't i also couldn't come because i couldn't take my dick out because i'm having to you know jack off

in our like living room or whatever at 3 a.m standing up like a dad watching ford versus ferrari so i would i would hold the come in i taught myself to hold the come in so i wouldn't i would hold it in and then like in two hours later I would piss it out and it really, it hurt. Fuck. Wow. Every time. And it took me a couple of years to like come normal after a while. It was like the Challenger explosion.

Every time you jacked off. Jesus Christ. You were like making grout. Yeah. My dick was a rock tumbler. Yeah. You were using your cum to make, put tile together. I know.

It's really fucked. It's really fucked up, man. That's crazy. crazy yeah it really sucks ass yeah you're also jacking off if you're just doing the tit like you're taking your dick's blood pressure or whatever you're just like pumping i know my my left forearm is like so fucking strong i can't even like bench press because it's i remember in high school like going to like do my bench press like uh my my max yeah and i my max. And my left arm shot.

Almost threw the barbell going my right hands down here. My left hand was so much stronger. Out the window. Just totaling someone's truck. Yeah. And then going and jacking off in the truck. Does your dick curve to the left? Yeah, it curves to the left.

It's from jacking off, I think. Is it really? I think all dicks that curve to the left could be helped out if you, it means you never jacked off left-handed. Yeah, you gotta go the other way. No, but I don't jack off like that. I tried jacking off. I jack off like that. Right, no, I know, but you're right. Maybe my dick goes that way, actually. Your right palm when you're

jacking off. But it's like, let me get harder real quick. I think it's pushing, I think it's over time making it lefty. It's twisting. It's me get hard real quick. I think it's pushing, I think it's over time making it lefty. It's twisting. It's twisting it to the left. Twisting it, yeah. So you have to use your left hand

to even out curvature. But it also goes up. Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, hopefully. Man, Jesus Christ. What? Well, some guys get hard like down, right?

I also get hard kind of down. Sure, I mean, I get hard every which way, Val. I'm just saying. Right. I think when they... Sorry, I didn hard every which way, Val. I'm just saying. I didn't mean to insult your intelligence. When they curve to the left, you can even it out,

but you obviously never had a left, and that's why, you know, that's why you're predictable on defense. Yeah, you're like the Jalen Brown of jacking off. I'm guarding, I'm like, he's got no left hand make him go left I think I curve that way

I think I I think I point to the west mine points a little to the left like a little to the left I think it's like a flower like it grew

like depending on how I slept as a kid it grows toward the sun yeah so I think I probably slept my head in the south and then it would in the morning it would go east so yeah i think that's what happened crazy wild man i also never their dicks up i

also never have a bigger heart on that in like the minute i wake up oh yeah some deranged dream where like you know a guy made of like smuckers was like chasing me and for whatever reason i'm hard as a rock. I have dreams that my dad died and I'm like, wake up hard. I'm like, what the hell? Jesus Christ. I think I used to, the tip of my dick was more fucked up because I didn't even know to like, I would masturbate with shampoo. I didn't even know what was going on.

Yeah, so it was getting all dried out. Weird. But I think my dick, it got less fucked up. Like the cells regenerated and it got less like shaved. It got less whittled down and it ballooned back up. And it's nice. It's nice and fluffy again. Nice.

Good. So that was good. I was worried it would kind of be, because like when I was like 20, it was like kind of, it looked like it came back from a war. And it was really fucked up and kind of, you know that before and after picture of a guy going into World War I?

Yeah, your dick looked like Nate Diaz's face. Your dick was going, Riverside, mother fucker. Or what stupid town is he from? Stockton. Stockton, bitch. Stockton, bitch. The worst city to live in on earth, bitch. I'm Ben's dick. I'm from shithole california i'm from

fuck you i'm from hell on earth california my community was destroyed by me mother fuck you i don't give a shit i'll get my ass beat by jay paul it is you know what's funny about every because i don't really watch those fights but but every time I hear Nate Diaz lost, I'm like, yeah, I could probably kick his ass. Anytime I hear of a guy losing, I'm like, yeah, I could have. It's like a piano. Everyone thinks they could just play a piano in a room. You look at a piano and go, who the fuck can't play that?

Just start fucking playing away. You could fucking use your fucking hands. But you know, Nate Diaz would kill you and then rape you. He'd clearly kill me. And he would rape you to make a point it'd be like in the middle of the octagon and like Joe Rogan's just like and he's like

peeling your shorts down and pressing your ass up like prone boning you yeah Rogan's just fucking jacking off like this jacking off his weird dick yeah rogan's got like a marine uh pocket pussy that he got from some guy who died in afghanistan yeah it's called it's called pussy skull fucker pussies it's a lone survivor pocket pussy yeah this is the this is

the pocket pussy marcus latrell used to hide in the woods and jack off. Because none of that stuff was real. He actually did. The ancient Romans actually used to fuck tree bark. And that's how they jack off. So I did that because it's not retarded. To live like you lived 4,000 years ago. That actually doesn't suck ass.

Yeah. I live like an ancient Spartan and then I drive my Tesla Super XL. By the way, I want to go on record saying this. I've done the research on this. Early man, like Stone Age man, did not just eat meat. They actually mostly forage and ate berries and weird little nuts. They would get lucky to get a kill and then eat meat here and there. They would use a lot of energy to find meat.

It would probably be like months on end of just berries and plants. I mean, they didn't have a fridge, so it wasn't like they're waking up at 8 a.m. and they're like, oh, let's go murder a bear so I can eat breakfast, you know? No, they're like, yeah, here's a fucking mushroom and a stupid banana

I'm gonna jack off with. Yeah. I just wanted to go on record. Oh, thank God you got that out there. I mean, I looked into a documentary. They were good at making weird little mustard spices and making salads and stuff. They were making salads?

Yeah, they were making Chinese chicken salad and stuff. They were frying wonton skins. Yeah, it was a caveman going, MSG, put the MSG in. It'd give me a headache. Yay. Guys, this episode is sponsored by blue chew yay guys let's let's talk about sex summer is around the corner do you want to bring the heat in the bedroom well now you can increase your performance and get that extra confidence in bed listen it listen up to bluechew.com bluechew yes that's right ben

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oh man speaking of msg that fucking chinese place we went to earlier holy shit i know we really nailed it we nailed it it was great told you, we sat down, I said, gentlemen, you're about to see a perfect game. We did. I don't know if you've ever seen a perfect game before. We even made a perfect game. I gotta say, we did all our orders and the Asian guy who looked like he was from Star Wars came out. Devin got the egg

plan. I went hack with the sweet and sour chicken, but that's what I do. What did you get? I customized his order. I got the honey what did you get? I got customized disorder. I got the honey chicken. I added peanuts and quite frankly, I mean,

there were little slices of cut apple in there, which wasn't even in the description, but I wasn't mad. That's fascinating. Yeah. And I think we said,

like the guy, the guy went in the back and goes, yeah, I did the peanuts. He's a, he's one, he's a good one.

He's a pro. He's a pro. And we got the lo mein, which just put us out. Combination lo mein. It was like eating sleep, you know? And then, but it's one of those Chinese places lo mein it was like eating sleep you know and then but it's one of those chinese places like it was fantastic like it's so saucy and you kind of feel

like you have like a heart murmur like halfway through your meal you're like this is good chinese we also had to we had to write a sketch today and ben was like let's bring i'm gonna bring my laptop to the chinese restaurant so we could write a sketch which thankfully we never because we walked and we're like this is the most retarded thing We were walking in and Ben's like I forgot the laptop and I was like that's just some gay shit people in LA do.

They always say they're going to go write something out of place. We never do that. Yeah like you've got one egg roll like a cigar and you're just like Trumbo

just typing away. Like okay so what if the retarded guy then he eats his own dick? Let me put that in the skit. I will one day. We're going to go write a sketch there. I'm going to bring my typewriter.

Sure. And then he's going to come up and he goes, sir, you are too gay to eat here. We asked that you leave for being gay. My father, he wants to poison your food. Yeah. You must leave now. My grandfather, who is to poison your food You must leave now My grandfather, who is a big turtle, said

Look at this David Lynch motherfucker Thinks he's at Bob's Big Boy right now Writing some erotic piece of shit I'm sorry, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick Yeah, go, go check off, dude No, we're only doing our jobs I do hope Devin's going in there to jack off real quick yeah because he he's all horned up he's all horned up talking about his uh hog people do i mean as much as we joke about it

unfortunately kids do fuck up their dick and there should be you know there has to be fair airtime on tv where uh like it's it's the it's like the FTC ruled some sort of fair airtime thing where like there has to be a certain number of child programs aired from like right after school hours and before school hours so that they play like Arthur and like old Mr. Rogers stuff and like, you know, right. So kids aren't coming home from school and watching like cops biggest titties edition yeah yeah which would make the the networks a lot more money of course they they have to be handcuffed to play something that a six-year-old can watch yeah they really should

have psas during those hours teaching kids how to jack off yeah i think they should have a it's a the more you know star and then louis ck walks on screen he goes all right here's how you jack off your fat retarded dick my daughters hate me because i jacked off my retarded dick he's like so what you fucking you just sit on the goddamn fucking uh toilet and you fucking your cocks it's it's fucking small and it sucks and it sucks and it fucking sucks and your balls are so low they get in the water because you fucking suck and you should kill yourself and you're gonna you're just you're gonna take a shit so just start shitting anyway and because you're gonna shit and jack off and come i'm a good lord we were saying that there should be

PSAs for to teach people how to kids how to jack off like on PBS so they don't fuck their dicks up when they're kids

yeah like it's like I'm just a bill like that shit yeah schoolhouse cock schoolhouse cock yeah there should be

little musicals teaching you how to masturbate properly so you don't kind of ruin your life I'm just a guy sometimes you gotta use the left hand to even out curvature you don't kind of ruin your life. I'm just a guy. Sometimes you gotta use the left hand to even out curvature.

You don't want to be a freak in the future. Sometimes you'll get pants during gym and everyone will make fun of your curvy cock. And that's when you take a gun and make your classmates pay. And then you go home, you grab your daddy's hunting rifle. You come back to school and you shoot them all up. I'm just a cock. I'm just a cock. Yes, I'm only and I need lotion on my cock.

Because you'll wear out your skin and make your shit all weird. Find the kid with the Bang Bros password. We had kids at school literally selling Bang Bros passwords. Like it's fentanyl. Yeah, like it was like all the president's mad. Like we'd be in the fucking parking lot. He's like, you got the money? Yeah.

You handing him $12 in a suitcase? He placed me on the pines like, you got my Bang Bros password? Yes. You just hand you a piece of paper that says Alligator 5. You're like, thanks. Thanks. You got my Gianna Michaels bang bus clip? Yes.

I have heard of kids who have printed out porn and sold it at their school back in the day. Like during the dial-up days. I had a friend who had a treasure box under his bunk bed, and it had one folded piece of paper. He had just went on Google, and he typed in tits. He printed that out in color on his parents' printer, and he had used it for google and he typed in tits he printed that out in color on his parents printer and he had it and he had used it for years and years yeah the t-i-t-s that's all he typed he just typed in tits yeah why also because our my mom was good with computers so to get around that

i would i i googled big boobs and i got caught yeah and uh i've talked about that so after that to get away with it i would google lindsey lohan big and then that way if i was ever confronted i was like i was seeing what how healthy she is now i wasn't looking for big juicy tits and mean girls yeah i'm seeing how tall she was yeah i also remember like when jessica simpson got pregnant i was like that really awakened something inside of me there was that cover of like yeah cause her tits got really big

there was like yeah a cover of like Vanity Fair Good Housekeeping where she was like pregnant and naked and I was like I don't know

I don't know what's happening to me right now I think I wanna fuck this pregnant titty lady yep be like

yeah but she looks like a great big fat guy I'm like but I like it I like it a lot turned into Trump and then I started having sex for the first time I was like oh I get it

I totally get it now it all makes sense when she was in Dukes of Hazzard that was like it helped out a lot of young youngins. Everybody, because of that, everybody wanted soapy boobs. Yep. Yep.

And the soapy boobs were big. Soapy boobs were a huge, huge thing back then. That was the thing. It's like, dude, the hottest thing a woman can do is wash a car. Yeah. That's hot as shit. No, like you were a teen boy. You just wanted to like eat like a $6 burger and get sucked off.

That was like based on Carl's Jr. commercials. A thick bacon burger. You remember Carl's Jr. commercials? They were sexual. They'd fuck the burger, basically. It'd be like a guy, and the noises, like the ADR that they did for the burger juices falling out and stuff, it was so sexual.

For a fucking burger. So as a fat kid, then they add tits they add paris hilton or something and you're like this is unbelievable i'm coming every which way now yeah it was like paris hilton like like like slapping the burger on her face like it was a like cock yeah yeah jack-in-the-box commercials was like you could just eat that guy's pussy the jack-in-the-box the jack-in Jack in the Box guy would come in with the business suit and he would just he would take off his tie

and his suit and he'd have a big pussy. Yeah. He looked like Buck Angel basically. The Jack in the Box guy was Buck Angel and it was just

a little fat kid eating that guy's pussy. It was just a Jack in the Box. Hey, hey. We take EBT. They're the only people that advertise it by by the way, that I see in LA. I've talked about it. I've driven by Jack in the Box.

It's like, don't worry, Pores. We got you. Yeah, they take it. Don't worry, Pores. We'll kill you. Don't worry. We'll kill you. We'll do it to you quick.

We'll do it to you quick. Jack in the Box will be like, now taking Monopoly money. Come on down. Jack in the Box is like, now accepting crack as payment. No worries. Yep. Jack in the Box was funny. I used to have a friend that fucking, he would go to Jack in the Box every day.

That's so fucked up. All he did was order the cheesecake. Is he alive? He's somehow alive. He would order one cheesecake and leave. He would order one cheesecake and leave? He'd order one cheesecake and we'd all shit all over him. Dude, that's worse than ordering

like five burgers at once. It's somehow more demented to wait in line and be like, um, one cheesecake, please. Like you're in Italy or the fuck. Like you're going to. Like you're an old Jewish man getting his bagel every morning at the diner.

Oh, it was so deranged. One cheesecake. Wow. Yeah. You know why I stopped getting the Oreo milkshake there? Because that kind of became a thing for me for a minute. Oh, I love those things. They're like 1800 calories. Yeah.

It's like over your caloric intake for the day with one shake. Jack in the Box is the one where if you get the buttery Jack, I think it's somehow 1900 calories. Yeah, because the bread is made of butter. yeah i mean the oreo cheesecake it's like you're eating plaster last time i went inside of a jack-in-the-box literally it was like it was a skate park like people are people are grinding like on the cashier's

register white's pool at the end yeah pretty much yeah people are refeeding the fry later yeah yeah there's a big fat latina manager and then like she turns and someone is tagging her back with graffiti they're just tagging gang signs on her on her on her back she's like welcome to jack in the and she pulls out a gun and shoots you what do you want yeah yeah it's like jack in the box they they do just hire like latina moms like in bear suits now to survive the shifts there they're the only people that could run that thing yeah you don't you get dude you get no one else to run that thing yeah teenagers what are you talking about you need a 45 year old latina lesbian she's got to be pushing 300 preferably over.

Because otherwise you're going to get knocked over. You're going to get swirly in the air fryer. You know what I mean? Yeah, you need a woman with a stable base is what you're saying. Short haircut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dollar store general hair gel. Yeah, you got to be a fat dyke

to work at Jaggerbox. Let's cut the bullshit. Can we cut to the chase here? You need an orange is the new black type of bitch. You need the lady from She Runs the McDonald's like a fucking Navy. Yes, that lady. You literally need that woman.

You need that woman. Yeah, Jaggerbox, they don't fuck around. A woman who loves visors. A woman who's like, I have giant tits and I dress like a bad magician from the 90s everyone's making me laugh sorry yesterday you texted me that every skinny lesbian woman wants to date a teamster yes all attractive lesbians they have this period of time where they date like a 400 pound woman that just looks like a teamster yeah yeah and you're just confused you're like why don't you just fuck a man, retard? Makes no sense.

Yeah. It's a lipstick lesbian and then Tony Soprano with like slightly longer hair. Yeah. Yes. Oh, shit. And they're like, they're more emotional.

More emotionally, there's perception. Yeah, they're like, they still beat the shit out of me, but like worse. Yeah. They're not as good at it. They're weaker.

You know the domestic violence rates amongst lesbians is higher than straight couples. It's like 100%. I know. I had that thing with this lesbian for a little bit and all the fucking women that she was going out with instead of me.

They look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. They look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. They look like Philip Seymour Hoffman with a cholo haircut. And they're all doing dog fighting. They all have pit bulls. It's like Pokemon for them. Well, that's because when- They go out in the park and lesbians have their dogs fight each other to the death. Well, eventually they do want to have sex with a man, and so they fuck their pit bull.

That is it. It is funny, though, because when they're dating a Teamster type of fat lesbian lady, it's like, just fuck a guy named Fat Sal. Yes. Fuck a guy named after the establishment. Don't date a guy who looks like fat Quentin Tarantino

with a bowler shirt and a Kangol cap on backwards. Yeah. Because they're probably getting fucked with a strap on by a lady that looks like a fucking dude. So just fuck a dude. I was always kind of confused by the lesbian strap-on thing.

But maybe I'm being ignorant, but always confused by that. Because they still need a dick, ultimately, at the end of the day. Checkmate, lesbians. Checkmate. Have you guys heard this whole thing about women can't cum with a penis inside them? That's all they do. No, that's what your wife tells you. They make us.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. No, I feel like women can come. They can come. They 100% can, but I've heard rumors where they're like,

you know, 95% of women can't come by having a penis inside them. And you know, they can only come from exterior. There's some truth to that, I imagine, but also that's just women trying to play into the fact

that they are constantly miserable and they're broken beings that will never, ever really truly fit in on this planet or make any sense. Well, they can never truly live the hero's journey because to live the hero's journey, you have to soar like an eagle, right? You have to take flight.

You have to become another thing. You have to ascend. And they're tethered to the earth because they have to, they're mother nature. You know, they have to bear fruit. They have to bear offspring. They can't just be like, you know, every time everybody's like, they're like, what about Joan of Arc? I'm like, she was basically a dude. Joan of Arc was like, she was like Pigpen.

Also, she had schizophrenia. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Any other time period, she would have been in Central Park getting shit on by birds. Joan of Arc. Yeah. Yeah. She's the pigeon lady.

Yeah. Home alone. I've always felt bad for guys who did, because there's some women who can't, who have never come. And those women? They can't make themselves come. I didn't, I want to like take a couple steps back though. Sure, sure.

It also goes to prove how incredible women are that they a lot of them get nothing out of sex and they just do it like they're fucking like they're fucking you know putting a bandage on their husband's wound it's just they're just doing it for the love of us like they're milking the cow they just want to keep everyone happy exactly they're just collecting the

eggs from the hen house I just like always feel for the guy where you come and then every time in your whole lifetime you have sex, she's just like, great job. I think I'm done. Good for you. She's like, you can go down on me. Nothing's going to happen.

Thanks. Appreciate it. And this whole idea that we're supposed to devote our lives to figuring out the fucking GTA cheat code to making them come is ridiculous. We got stuff to build, sweetheart. Sorry. You ever seen Manhattan? How do you think that was built? What, for men trying to figure out

how to make you cum? No, they're nutting quick, and they're fucking getting back onto the scaffold. I can't cum. I gotta go eat lunch on a big steel beam later. Now make my sandwich. Put it in a big metal box. You dumb whore. There's a thing. I bet like 60 of women like can't really come that easily yeah i think it's probably like 20 30 or something

like that that sounds like a personal problem yeah that's what i say that's what i say maybe they're not in tune with themselves so they don't know how to like right orgasm yeah you're always like yeah when you fuck a woman and she doesn't come, you're like, hey, got mine. Sorry. Sorry. You suck. Sorry. I got my bag.

I'm really good at coming. Guess you aren't. My apologies. It's weird that you don't shoot something out like I do. It's not obvious. So who the fuck ever knows? Maybe step your game at bitch. Yeah.

You guys like they come in like side themselves. They come and they just kind of wiggle and you go, but where's the stuff? I know you're wet. You're wet. They come and they just kind of wiggle. And you go, but where's the stuff? I know you're wet. But you're wet. They're always wet. Show me the hot, weird stuff. Show me the stuff. Shoot it.

You don't shoot it. It needs to be shot. Cool. I never buy the whole they're wet thing. I'm like, that could just be pee pee. What even is that? It could be pee pee. That could be pee pee.

Are you wet? Oh, are you wet? Did you piss yourself, little girl? Did you piss yourself, sweetheart?? Did you piss yourself, sweetheart? What are you, an old man? Fuck you. Are you wet? No, I know that old trick.

You pissed yourself, sweetheart? My grandfather's wet, too. Because he has a big diaper on. He shits and pisses himself all day. Eat shit. That's you. Yeah. Get faced.

Just the way we're going, baby, where are you going? I didn't come yet. And you just go, sucks to suck. And then you turn and you strut out of the room. Later, Hayden.

Yeah. I got to go to like IGN.com, cheat codes to figure out how to make this fucking miserable bitch come. You go lay it ahead and then get on like a scooter and just grind down your stairs. Get the hell out of there. The porn star lady who did April.

Yes. Who was very lovely. She did the. We all made her come. Yeah, we all made her come. I think she said something like every guy should do like 20 to 30 minutes of

foreplay with their tongue. But it's like once again, we got places to go, people to see. Here's my foreplay. I cashed the rent check this month. How about that for my foreplay, sweetheart?

See that roof over here? That's foreplay right there. See that? Fuck you. Did you fix the fucking doorknob? There's your foreplay. I agree. Do you know how long it took me to assemble that shelf you bought off of Amazon?

That's foreplay. Yeah, I agree. No, yeah. I don't know. Well, you guys will realize once you get a woman pregnant that that's foreplay. Yeah, I agree. No, yeah. I don't know. Well, you guys will realize once you get a woman pregnant that that's kind of all they want. Yeah. You get them pregnant and then you kind of like, you're like looking at them

like you're just eating your chicken and green beans and you just look at them from across the table as they're eating quietly and you're like, that's all you wanted. That's all you wanted. You got yours now. And I'm like, well's all you wanted. That's all you got. You got yours now. And I'm like, well played.

I'm swirling wine. I'm like, well played, you cocksucker. It's a long chess match and you checked me. You checked me. But the battle is not yet done.

You may have won the battle, but you have not won the war. Wait until I turn 50 and start fucking the nanny. Yeah. I hope I turn 50 and start fucking the nanny. Yeah. Yeah. I hope I turn into that type of family, though. I want to become like the American beauty guy, like listening to Lawrence Welk with

his wife and the daughter who just hates his guts. You want to become the guy who makes him not getting pussy everyone else's problem. Yeah. Any dinner party you go to, everyone knows you're not getting pussy everyone else's problem yeah any dinner party you go to everyone knows you're not getting it in yeah can i tell you like a big loser guy fantasy of mine too of course i've kind of wanted at some point in my life for everything to go to like shit where i just like i really don't because i don't care about anything now but like on a level where i don't even care if i'm like dead and i want to become the guy who gets

super into weed like crazy crazy into weed that movie really does something for me where he's working out in the garage he's listening to like the doors or whatever yeah my friend's a teenage boy next door who just films bugs with his camera and just smokes shit loads of weed. But you want to get into weed and a guy who's like, that's good grass. That guy sells me good grass. I want to be able to smoke. Because I think the secret to really enjoying weed is not caring

if you get too high that the devil comes in the front door. It's like the kind of thing you welcome where you just get really into top shelf weed and you smoke it constantly and get really jacked. Because you're like, well, you know, if I get too high, I also want to die. So who gives a shit? Yeah.

Yeah. My life sucks anyway. Yeah. You have to have given up and then the stress doesn't eat you alive when you do smoke weed. Exactly. The anxiety. Because I imagine it's amazing. Oh, it's great.

When you feel like you don't give a fuck about anything and you're high, it's awesome. You're just high. I do want to be like I'm sober now. I do want to be, like, I'm sober now. I do want to become a big Lebowski high guy in my older age. I want to be completely horseshoe bald and have a ponytail and a long beard, and I'm just smoking weed in public, and I go, man, Arcade Fire 2013. That was a concert, man. Yeah.

And you pull back. I'm on a bench by myself talking to nobody yeah i'm like that would rule you you'd be great at that i really want to become the guy who like uh finds out he's gay and then instead of just embracing that i just smoke a lot of weed that's who i want to be i want to become a guy i just i completely destroy my marriage out of panicking that it's too good and then i'm just i'm just a 55 year old just plowing 19 year olds over and over yeah yeah just waiting to catch a me too yeah out of nowhere because we do get better we're we're fine yeah like we start looking like yeah still sexy i want

every time i get pussy it becomes something somebody talks about in therapy one day is having sex with me yeah when and they realize they, oh, I wanted to fuck my dad so I dated this 55-year-old man at 19 for like four months. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You want to do weird Jonah Hill

like psychological games with ladies. Oh, yeah. Like really get a girl before she's been psychologically tortured by a guy so she doesn't know the tricks yet so I can really, you know,

get him in a three stooges maze of like deception. I'm catching what you're throwing out there. You're talking about T-ball here. Putting it right on the peg and just over the fence one after the other. Home run derby. Yeah, when they've thrown four balls and the coach comes out and gives you a soft toss in Little League.

And then just me just, boom, just 19-year-old after 19-year-old. Can I say I would love that for you, actually? I think it's going to be great, honestly. It's a great arc. I think 20 years from now, I'm going to be like, well, I wanted to kill myself for so long, but now I get all this sweet, sweet puss. Yeah. So I feel great. Unfortunately, I see myself becoming the guy who digs a big hole somewhere.

What's a big hole? You dig a big hole. I dig a big hole. Oh, dig a big hole? You dig a big hole. I dig a big hole. Oh, dig a big hole. Okay. Just move on. All right, well. So you want to dig a big hole.

I'm thinking I might have the arc where I become like, I build like some Cloverfield Lane type of, what was the movie with John Goodman? The second one. Yeah, like a Doomsday Bunker. Yeah, where I basically put like a train car in the ground, like a doomsday bunker. Yeah, where I basically put a train car in the ground, like take shelter style,

and I just put PlayStations in there and have distilled water and stuff like that. I get really into, I don't know, botany and shit. So in your fantasy, there's no sex going on. You're just digging holes and putting trains in them. In Jason and I's fantasy, we are still railing women in our old age. I've got a pump installed

in my dick so I can get hard. We're smoking weed. We're hurting lives, but we don't really know about it because I'm too old to give a... I don't know. There's a big age difference. I never had kids,

so I'm in a Lambo drunk driving away from the USC dormitory because I just dropped my girlfriend off after making her suck me off in my Lambo. And you are digging holes and putting toy trains in. And you know why?

Because fucking is for retards. And I will die on that hill. I do fully agree with that. It's retarded. It's for retards. It's the most overrated thing in our culture. And everyone's obsessed with it. And it's a half a second feeling.

I truly get off more from jacking off than the fucking. Oh, me too. Yeah. Yeah. I want to be in a situation where I'm about to fuck, leave,

and then go jack off to the idea of me having sex. I know, but once you become married, you can't jack off anymore. You know that. That's why you got to build that man cave. I jacked off like four times

in like five years. Are you serious? Well, when am I going to jack off? I don't know. You're alone all day. What are you talking about? I'm writing.

Sure. I am writing. Oh, yeah. I'm just masturbating. Well, you know why you never buy whiteout? Yeah, you're just rubbing your dick across the words. Yeah. Ben's shoving his balls in the thing and just going.

I get to like jack off in a hotel room or something like that it is fun to conquer a new land when you jack off in it oh to be like oh I jacked off in Pittsburgh yeah I love that shit I love that shit putting a pen on a map at your house jacked off here fuck face yeah I knew a guy by the way

who I asked him I was because he was married for like 15 years i'm like do you jack off because they both like worked from home and he told me that he just hated his wife and he would just be like i'm gonna i'm gonna masturbate to porn right now and she'd be like all right whatever and then he would just turn his chair around with his laptop like on his knees and he would just jack off in front of her with the volume up dude i would divorce now yeah of course they lived in a one bedroom and he was just like, yeah, I like

porn, so. You know, I don't know. You should be jacking off more, though. It's good for your prostate. I'm fucking. You actually get fucked up. You fuck every day? I don't fuck every day. Well, you should jack off on the days you don't fuck. Those balls should always be half full. But where?

I mean, there's, I guess. Where? What are you talking about? Your house is huge. Do you want me to come in here and just stand in the middle? I don't give a fuck. Figure it out, bitch. I've given my computer to my friends. Oh yeah, sure, check it, do your whatever. I jacked off on it literally

ten minutes ago. I don't give a fuck. This isn't welfare figure it out we're mad jacking off is capitalism make it happen I shake hands

with people all the time I'm like just probably cum in that hand I literally have been jacking it all day what do you want

out of me I've jacked off in bathrooms at work you figure it out you do it should I just be like hey honey

I'm gonna we're out of cinnamon I'm gonna go to the Kroger real quick and then I just get in the car and I just whip my pants down to my knees as I'm driving, just jacking off. If Katie says she's going out

to take the dogs on a walk and you know she takes five minute walks, make it a fun little game. See if you can just hum as quick as possible right in between that time. It's awesome. Yeah, peering between the blinds to see if she's like coming back.

It's the little things in life. Like fucking Norman Bates jacking off. Yeah. Do it like a security alarm. It's about to go off in a minute if you don't come. Here's what I like to do. I like to lay on a cold floor in the house and read Moby Dick. You jack off like a reptile?

You got to turn a heat lamp on? Yeah. I got to jack off in a big terrarium with a really big rock and a giant cactus and i pretend i'm a lizard that's what i told my i told my baby girl i go listen the king jacks off whatever he wants let's get first things fucking last first things fucking last dude i'm like i'll put shit in the microwave for two minutes i will jack off in that amount of time dude i've waited for water to boil and I've jacked off before it started bubbling.

Figure it out. Get your shit together. You owe it to your prostate. You're getting older. If you started coming every day, I guarantee you would start being normal again. Maybe you're right. I take medicine for my prostate. Why? Sometimes my dick hurts when I

come. Doesn't that happen to everybody? for my prostate. Why? Sometimes my dick hurts when I cum. That doesn't happen to everybody? Doesn't happen to me. Like after, like an hour after. Your dick hurts or you just kind of feel empty?

No, sometimes my dick like stings like an hour after I cum. I mean, that happens here and there. That happens, yeah. I looked it up. It's a thing where like

cum goes back up inside your penis or something. What's wrong with that? It's a retrograde ejaculation. Yeah, I get that from time to time. We all get that here and there. Yeah, but when I eat, I eat a lot of spicy foods and drink coffee.

That also doesn't help. So you think that the peppers come out of your cum? I looked it up. That's what it says. The spicy food has something to do with your cum? I'm cumming capsaicin. What is it? I didn't know you were such a spicy Latino.

But if I don't eat that spicy of food, it doesn't happen to me. Okay. And once I switch to tea from coffee, it doesn't really happen that much. It's not like this happened every time I came, but it would just happen every now and then. You see, you're doing this thing, Ben.

It ruined my night, though. Ben, I love you. You're doing this thing with your health. We love you to death, but Devin's right. Go ahead. Listen to me, Jace. You're doing this thing where you're gonna be miserable

because you think you've figured out how to have a perfect day with your health. There is no perfect way. And you're going to be the guy that ruins everyone's fun time because you eat. You go, I feel bad. I don't usually eat chocolate cake past 8.45 p.m. And everyone has to go, I guess that's a thing you invented in your mind and now you're miserable. You and Katie eat this weird bird food bullshit. Yes.

I was watching the dogs last week. They had a full stocked grocery. I didn't know what I could eat. I literally pulled out a milk thing and it had curds in it. I didn't know if it was supposed to be like that or not. It's supposed to be like that.

See, there you go. I thought, I was like, this could be four years old or it's how you're supposed to eat it. You can chew on them. It's like placentas. Yeah. And the milk.

It was disgusting. You never want to become that guy that's so healthy that like everything like makes him sick. Not even healthy, but you're like, oh, no, I can't think today because I didn't chew my xanthan gum. I had seven raspberries instead of five. So I'm going into cardiac arrest. You gotta give up after a while.

I will admit I dip my toe into that world a little bit, but I'm not a big titty baby like you're making me out to be. I know you're not. But I do dip my toe into that world. I'm kidding, but you never want to be the guy that's like, oh shit, I can't think. I didn't put collagen in my cum for this morning. My penis really stings, dude, when it happens.

It really hurts. Oh, our dicks sting! Our dicks hurt all the time. You don't think my dick is throbbing right now, you son of a bitch? After I cum sometimes, I need like a Civil War general doctor to come in and give me morphine and saw it off. Oh, so start taking Vitakin, dumbass. What's Vitakin? Vicodin.

Vicodin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Start taking Adderall, doing dabs. Blow through this shit. You don't need to look up every weird feeling. Just let it... Boy, I thought I might be dying or something. I think I'm dying every five minutes.

If you never look it up, nothing ever happens. Exactly. Oh, right. I literally think going to the doctor kills people. And yeah, Devin will be walking around at 50 with a giant tumor like that Labrador they don't put down. Whatever. I didn't stress until then looking up shit.

I live by an ethos though and the ethos is thus. We all live very similarly like health. Jacking off is retarded. Sex is for retards. Yeah. Jacking off is cool. Sex is for retards. Jacking off as retarded sex sex is for retards yeah and jacking off is cool sex is for jacking off like necessary no i think it's for apes it might be literally the only thing keeping humanity like yeah like saying if you took jacking off away we would all turn into that riverboat brawl.

Yeah. Everywhere you go. I am really grateful porn exists because a thought I often have when I'm out and it's crowded somewhere, I think, holy shit, just imagine if there wasn't pornography. You wouldn't be able to go anywhere. There you go. You know how many people are holed up in their apartments and they haven't left in 15 years because they've been masturbating?

Oh, yeah. We're talking 40% of the population. Traffic would be way worse. Hasn't gone outside. It would be way worse. Proud member, brother. Proud, hard-carrying member. I'm doing my service, sir.

Of the Jackoff Army. Yeah. Porn turned everyone into J.D. Salinger. Yeah, exactly. Why for me... Dude, I don't need a community. I have 40 tabs open right now. I live alone.

My girlfriend lives across the country. I'm cranking it nonstop all day long. I roll out of bed, brew coffee, and start jacking off. I don't give a shit. I'll jack off on the big TV with my pants down

in the living room. When your girlfriend moves back here, it's going to ruin your life. Dude, I'm going to have to kill her or something. I literally, dude, I have, can I tell you,

she moves back in four months. It's been, I think about it every single day. You're fucked, dude. How I'm going to start jacking off. Yeah, you're fucked. Because she's also not going to be working, so it's not like she can go to work

and I'm like, oh, I got to do some podcast thing and then I'm jacking off. Yeah, you're fucked. Because she's also not going to be working, so it's not like she can go to work and I'm like, oh, I got to do some podcast thing and then jacking off. You got to get a manual job so you can jack off, buddy. You know, people get stab in cabins. Jace is going to need to get like a penthouse apartment somewhere just so he can go up to the top floor and masturbate. I'm going to be like Don Draper for jacking off. I'm like, honey, I think an apartment in the city would be great.

She rolls out of bed at 4 a.m. and like flips on the little lamp and she looks at you and she goes where were you mm-hmm? Well, you know you know where I was you know with one of your whores weren't you you know who I was with I was with X videos She's like you dirty dirty sides of my At least she loves to be like a man. At least I feel like a man when I'm with her. She makes me feel like I matter. My mother was right.

You're a goddamn coomer. All you do is coom. Your mother's a gay bitch. Yeah, it's honestly, I might kill both of us. Is this the superintendent? I want you to know that there was a laptop in room 4B that my boyfriend is using. Well, I guess this whole episode was about coming. One big theme.

We'll call it jacking it to the streets. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party, everyone, for bonus episodes and back uh logs of the live streams and those are every wednesday at 4 p.m pacific standard time on the eclipse channel so make sure you subscribe to that and please support the patreon uh so i can feed my baby girl if i gotta feed my daughter if the patreon bombs he has to get it sucked out so it's all on you good gentlemen yep yep gotta call up newsome and he comes in with a an old vacuum cleaner from 1984 he's got a vacuum cleaner a plunger and a bow and arrow

with a string tied to it yep and a and an empty plate and a knife and fork and i go governor governor newsome sir yeah news Yeah. Newsome eats babies like it's a lobster thing. He has a bib with a baby on it. He has, what's that? He has Old Bay seasoning. Yeah. Just hitting the bottom of it, sprinkling on. Giving a speech.

Giving a speech like, I want to kill every fetus. And I think it's cool and I love to eat them. Because I'm the devil. Squeezing a lemon over it. Yeah. yeah cracking it and pulling meat out of the heart all right anyway devon hate watch pod jace at sad drawings by jace and uh I don't think there's anything else to promote we're shooting a sketch soon we just wrote two new sketches so uh we're waiting on our dp to be available so we can shoot them but those will be hopefully available soon yeah so uh patreon.com slash limit party and goodbye everybody thank you bye everybody bye Субтитры создавал DimaTorzok Thank you.