lemonparty - 043: Reginald Denny's Grand Slam

Episode Date: August 22, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty We shot a golf match in glendale. It's on the patreon now! One hour long. Check it out. sponsors: mint mobile for 15 dollars a month go to https://www.mintmobile.com/lemon hello fresh go to https://www.hellofresh.com/50lemon use code 50lemon for 50% off and free shipping ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Music Nice Pat. Nice. I'm the top G. I'm exactly like Andrew Tate. Yeah. It's a tough one. Just for like one guy who takes the train into like the Pentagon every day. To buy a missile. To buy like imagine like McDonald's did an ad just for you to get the to get like the new honey butter chicken sandwich or something oh my god okay i had no idea about

that yeah it's the same thing check one two missiles are we on ben yeah we're on wow wow fantastic week after week and we in. And we're on. And go. I'm cracking open a... Yeah, what is that? That looks like you're drinking... Let me show the camera. Like, silly spray. Yeah.

Is that more like your kaiju restaurant that you go to? Melon ramu bottle? This is my new Japanese store I go to. That's like what Oopa Loompas get drunk off of. Yeah, that's like what Flubber hydrates with. Yeah, yeah. In Who Framed Roger Rabbit, that's what they drink. What does it taste like?

It looks like it tastes like Mountain Dew. Let's see. It's melon. They love melons, like I said. I bet it's delicious. Oh, yeah. It's great. They love melons. Like I said. I bet it's delicious. Oh, yeah. It's great. Yeah.

You want to put some of that in your Michelob? Yeah. What I love is a beer and a Japanese melted Jolly Rancher candy. What's great about all the Japanese sodas, by the way, is they taste vaguely of alcohol, which is really fun for me. I think it's just the lining of the can. For you, it's a fun like... Only 230 calories. It's like a Russian roulette for relapsing.

Where you're like, this could have alcohol. I don't know. We'll figure out in two hours. I only read English. Yeah. Who knows? Could have alcohol in it. Who knows?

One in six shot, I might be in a subway with my pants off vomiting. Who knows? It tastes like a fruit by the foot. Yeah. I'm convinced, by the way, there's no alcohol in it it just turns me japanese right like yeah i had like nine of these and i was like taking shits on the subway i was trying to like kill myself yeah ben you you had your eyes taped back what are you doing you're bowing to the dogs. Walking up to the dogs and going, All their fast food is, it feels like a cartoon character compressed into food. Well, they have like, their KFCs, they have like shrimp burgers and stuff.

Oh, really? Where they have like a bunch of little, like the tiny shrimp you put in ramen. They just make that into a patty. Oh, I don't know. And they like fry that up. I gotta look that up. I don't like that. I don't like that one bit.

Well, we eat like fish sandwiches and like shrimp sandwiches and shit. Yeah, but they're not the tiny little weird. The tiny little ramen cup shrimp sandwiches. They're not like pedophiles for shrimp. Yeah, shrimp KFC. Oh, KFC. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so there you go.

Oh, that looks like a big shrimp. It looks like a po' boy. Oh, is looks like a big shrimp. It looks like a po' boy. Oh, is that like a ceviche? Was I wrong? Hmm. I don't even know if this is actually... Oh, here we go. This is what you're talking about.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, a little crushed up fried shrimp. Yeah. Well, Koreans and Japanese people, they love their fast food. It's very like... They love fried mayonnaise-y,

pour some Flamin' Hot Cheetos on it. Yeah, fried panties. Yes, exactly. Whatever have you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Anyways. Yeah.

Just like a mess hall at an autism camp. This is what they're serving. Can you give me a bunch of little tiny shrimps from the cups of ramen and fry them in a big cheese ball yeah and put tartar sauce on it that is what carmen would eat if he was real can i get the fried shrimp sandwich a lot of cheese yeah that sucks it's the only fun they have you know you got a fried cheese and then smother yeah that and that and dating 11-year-olds. Yes.

Did I talk about this? I know we talked. We opened up talking because Ben has all the stupid Japanese drinks now. Yeah. We talked about Japanese people. Did I talk about Japan has a 99.9% conviction rate of any crime? Except for rape, they have a 40% conviction rate. I'm not kidding.

You can look it up. If you commit any crime in Japan, foreigners have been held there for up to three years and not been charged with anything because they have a 99.9% conviction rate. But if you rape somebody, they're like, eh, you know.

So it's like rigged. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, exactly. Oh, right, right. Well, because is there even that much crime in Japan? So they need those prisons to be occupied. Yeah, exactly.

Right. It'd be bad for business. But pedophilia, they're like, okay with? They're like, get back out on the streets, big guy. How do they even tell? Pedophilia, they treat you like you're a high school quarterback in Texas. Yeah. They're just like, you know, you get a couple rapes a year.

Boys will be boys. Boys will shove a Coke bottle up a chick's pussy he's the best damn businessman in tokyo the way he can run a y formation i'd let him fuck my own baby baby girl you see that man in a wishbone it's insane so but wait rape just rape is, but they're fine with rape? Yeah, rape is like 40% convictions across the board. Huh. Yeah.

Interesting. I was under the impression that Japanese detectives were some of the best in the world. I mean, in terms... That's what I was always under the impression of. Why? Well, you know, movies, Devin. Because you watched Old Boy one time. Devin, okay, think of it this way.

Have you seen Ocean's Eleven? Yes. Okay, now there's not a Japanese guy in that, but imagine if there was. Okay. There is a Japanese guy. Well, is he Chinese or Japanese? There's the guy that does all the acrobats.

Oh, the little guy. That jumps through the lasers. The little capuchin monkey. Yeah. Yep, that's what we call him. That's what we call him. A little capuchin monkey. A capuchin monkey. A capuchin monkey. Yeah. Yep, that's what we call him. That's what we call him. A little capuchin monkey. A capuchin monkey.

A capuchin monkey. Yeah. I fed a little baby capuchin monkey corn once, and it was like the highlight of my life. Are you sure it wasn't an Asian man that you met? Ben So... Ben So Carbine, he goes into Koreatown and throws seeds at Korean people.

He's like, I own this block. He's like, There's a sign that says, don't feed the Chinese. Because Ben keeps feeding them and their stomachs explode. They just keep dying. Aw, Ben gave Ming

Alka-Seltzer again. By the way I had no idea that Koreatown in like 19 when were the LA riots 1992 92

yeah it's like I didn't realize it turned into if you've ever played PUBG it's when the circle starts closing

and then people are running out of crazy buildings with guns and bazookas and like tomahawks and shit. Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. Rooftop Koreans. Did you see that video? Yeah.

Yeah. That famous video. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's a famous video. They didn't fuck around. They didn't fuck around at all. Jace, did you see it?

Yeah. Are you talking about the one with Reginald Denny? No, the ones where the Korean Korean starters are in the streets like shooting and shit. No no no I've seen that yeah yeah they literally run

I think we've talked about it because they were all in the North Korean military. Yeah. So they were all military trained.

Yeah yeah and yeah it's great footage. Devin you tweeted it I think. Yeah I did. I made a joke I now can't repeat.

Korean merchants and straw on the street Kevin, you tweeted it, I think. Yeah, I did. I made a joke I now can't repeat. Somebody online would be like, really recycling the tweets, Kevin? Recycling? Dude. What happened moments later, the Korean merchants and store owners who own that shopping complex, they were talking to me for a moment.

They said they were fed up. They walked away. Next thing I knew, they walked out of their stores. Three of them were holding guns, and they just started firing at everybody and anybody. Can you pause it real quick? I love they still have the hands behind the back. Yeah. The guy had the hands behind the back, and he reached around to shoot real quick.

Because he's holding a Marlboro Light still. Yeah, they're firing while squatting. It's too small of a window to hit. Man. The drip is amazing. Amazing drip.

Yeah, I mean, it looks like they're about to like play golf. Yeah, they're about to tee off. Yeah. This is how Lemon Pepper was created. Blacks and Koreans came together after this

and they shook hands and go, lemon pepper wet. That was their treaty. We will make a wing for us. We will make a lemon pepper wet. If you hajima, hajima looting. The guy's just shooting, too.

That's great. I mean, literally like an old West movie, just walking down. I mean, it's like Ben Foster in Hell or High Water. Yeah, they're on like Crenshaw or whatever. I mean, they're just in the street, just firing away. That guy's wearing a VHS as a belt buckle, it looks like. Yeah. And he's dressed like Arnold Schwarzenegger on vacation. He's got a flat top and child molester glasses.

And he's sniping a guy, I'm assuming, who looks like the little kid from the boondocks from like 300 feet away. It was a great time in America. It was a truly great time. This is the only thing, like anything that has ever looked like this before, it's always it's an op. These are

always feds. This is the only time it's like, no, these are US citizens who are armed to the teeth right here. The riots really were incredible. The footage we have is unbelievable. Look at this. It's a wild i mean the reginald denny clip is like every it's like jason alde's like worst nightmare jason aldean yeah yeah because it's just one truck driver who just like took a wrong turn he's like what the heck what is this

named after ban crinshaw and then the next thing you know he's getting dragged out of his window bricked in the head and then then the guy goes, woo! He like celebrates to the helicopter. I know, like he's Russell Westbrook. Yeah. He just hit a deep three.

Three! He checks it. He checked! He did a Steph Curry. He was like just dancing. There was a light-skinned guy who hit him with a brick from 35 feet away.

Yeah, man. They just did the top of the... They just did Tombstone. It's Tombstone. Just outside their store. And did these men ever serve time for this? I don't think they could. Oh, they were given medals.

Garcetti's dad, like, yeah. Garcetti's dad gave him a crown. You think the LAPD is going to figure out who's who? Yeah. Garcetti's dad gave him a crown. You think the LAPD is going to figure out who's who? Yeah. The LAPD pulls up and they see who they're shooting at.

They're like, oh, these are the good guys. Yeah. The LAPD just started arresting black people. They're like, Jong Boon Ho, you're coming with us. They're like, I'm fucking, my name's Jamal. We saw you with the gun. You're coming with us. No, you own the 7-Eleven on 3rd Street. You're on top of it with a rifle.

So this is the archetype of a Korean guy in LA. But isn't there also the Korean guy who loves black people? Who dabs them up and shit? That's their kids. Their kids love black people. Their kids started. So their punishment by God was, yeah, you get to shoot a lot of black people legally. But your kids are going to wear bucket hats and be really into breakdancing.

Yes. Yeah. That was the trade off. Yeah. Your kids are going to be so into 50 Cent. Yeah. That really is it. Yeah.

Their children acted so black that they would follow them around their own home waiting for them to steal something. Yeah. Yeah. They're just making a bowl of cereal and they're like, I live here. You pay for that? I live here, dad. Yeah. He goes, no a bowl of cereal. And they're like, I live here. You pay for that? I live here, dad. Yeah.

He goes, no, you did. I'm your son. Okay. I watch you. I watch you. You come here, you never buy. Dad, this is my home. Yeah.

That was their punishment. Their punishment is that, because I've seen them in Koreatown. By the way, I've seen Koreans in Koreatown drive like $1.5 million cars, like a lot of them. Yeah, and they live in it. They live in a shack and they make sure to have that SL out front

and the whole family lives in it. Yeah, they live inside of a computer. And they pay for like... They live in a living room and they have heated floors. They all sleep on the floor and it just constantly smells like fish sauce in the house. And they don't take their shoes off.

They take their shoes off, so the house is clean. They're all constantly swiffering. Constant swiffering. I don't know if this is real or not, but I believe it is real. No, it's very real. All my Korean friends, I had the same experience with all of them. And I sold a lot of security systems around Koreatown. It's all the same type of stuff.

Yeah. And you don't know what the dad does. You don't know what he's up to. You have no idea what the whole family does. No, the mom doesn't speak a lick of English and she refuses to learn over the course of 50 years. Yeah. There's a grandma you learn about five years after the fact. Yep.

She comes out of a trap door one day in the basement. And there's always a family member in town. Yes. There's always, their grandparents like cycle out and they may become new grandparents and they have new cousins. They have tag team visitors. Yep. Yeah.

Like they hit each other's hand on the way out the door. So it's like Parasite where there's like a double of them living under the house and they just come up. It did feel like that at times. Yeah. Everything's very clean. Everything's febrezed. Everything's like tied to go.

Like everything smells good, except the house because of the kimchi and stuff, which is a delight. It's a delight. So they have problems with the odor due to pickling. Yes.

Yeah. Whew. Yes. Yeah. Nobody even loves pickled stuff. that out the dads are essentially like they're like chris cooper from american beauty but like korean like they really are they look straight ahead there's zero relationship going on with their with their a lot of nazi memorabilia very secretly yeah yeah shooting people in the street

just like the Koreans we see here yeah all my Korean friends growing up unless they were like loaded loaded like the family was loaded the crazy rich Asians the crazy the fucking crazy rich Asians

these Asians are crazy rich the rest of them like had very very small houses but three luxury vehicles in the driveway I don't know I would always see I'd always see them pulling up to the Boiling Crab. Uh-huh.

Someplace like that in Murcielago, something I can't even pronounce. Pulling up to, and then dining, and then you go in the Boiling Crab, and there's no white people. It's just Koreans and black people living in harmony at the Boiling Crab. That's the only... Yeah, that was like the gang treaty that Tupac organized at the Boiling Crab. That's like the United Nations of Koreatown. Yeah. The two leaders of either side meet at the Boiling Crab.

And then other than that, in Koreatown, it's... You go... They all... Or in like La Crescenta and whatnot. They're all at like, you know, weird Korean places and they eat something that looks like eyes. And then you got to wait for the meat to come out, but you kind of like don't want to like insult them. So you eat the eyes.

Yeah. You eat the weird, like whatever. They bring stuff to the table and you're not sure if it's food or not, or just like a decorate. You have like no idea. Yeah. First time I saw rice paper, I'm like, am I supposed to wipe the table down with this? Like, what even is this? And then it's delicious, though.

I'm so confused at Korean barbecue places because you can get the little bowl and then go get this shit from the bar. And I don't know if I'm eating like their equivalent of mustard. And I'm just like, this is so good just on its own. And I look like a retard just eating ketchup. Meanwhile, you're at a soap dispenser spraying it in a bowl you're like this goo this damn korean goo is so damn good yeah picking up those big plastic uh rat contraptions yeah poisoning them that they put in the gardens outside of like the albac steakhouse yeah you're eating ant traps like they're clams yeah just

sucking them oh that little little liquid and trout. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, you're just picking up and just sucking the juice out. Putting it back real quick. I would just go up to, I'd get a bunch of little bowls of weird peas and canned things, and I would just eat them. Yeah, all that's bullshit. You don't need to waste your appetite on that.

Because when you go to Korean barbecue, you really got to focus. I know, but I'm so hungry. I know, but you just got to wait. And they bring out one little slice of bulgogi. Every Korean barbecue. That's what they're trying to do. That's what they do, Ben. They purposely, but I'm so hungry. I know, but you just gotta wait. And they bring out one little slice of bulgogi. Every Korean barbecue. That's what they're trying to do. That's what they do, Ben. They purposely don't

come to your table. They don't, you get all you can eat, but you gotta fucking find this Korean lady. You gotta like chase her around like in a maze just to get more

because they want you to get full. They want more rice in your belly. Yeah. Never eat rice at Korean barbecue. You're wasting your dollar.

No, sir. Don't even drink a beer at a Korean barbecue. You're wasting your dollar. No, sir. Don't even drink a beer at a Korean barbecue because it'll fill your tummy up too much. This is more like Chipotle advice for the people out there.

You go to Korean barbecue, you fucking take these people to town. Okay? Don't drink beer. Soju. Right. Rice wine.

Doesn't make you as full. Yeah, the soju literally runs through you. It clears you out. Runs right through you. You get that drunk hunger later on in the meal. And if you can,

smoke weed in the parking lot in between. Just say, I left something in my car. Smoke a little weed. Get a new appetite going. You take them for everything they got. I like that.

Take them for everything they fucking got. You eat until the guy who never comes out comes from the back and kind of wins. He's like, you guys eat a lot, huh?

But you can tell he's going home. He's threatening about murdering you. And like kind of wins. He's like, you guys eat a lot, huh? But you could tell he's going home. He's threatening about murdering you. And then here's another trick for the people at home. They always give you a big, meaningless bullshit salad that nobody wants. I'm not here to eat salad, okay? So they charge you if you order meat and you leave it. Like if you don't eat all the meat, they'll charge you.

Like an extra. Like a re-corking fee? You wasted their food. No, you always have to time it because you eat all the meat and then they come back, do you want more intestine? And then you have to be like, are we good? Can we do this? You check in with everybody and then you order again.

But here's what you do. Regardless, if you still want a little bit meat, like you're sick, you're almost vomiting, you feel the food in your esophagus at this point, but you're like, I could still do a little bit more. You burp, a little flap of meat comes onto your tongue and you have to swallow it again. What you do, you just, it doesn't matter all that extra beef. When they're not looking, you throw it under the salad. You hide it under the salad.

Oh. Then you just leave. Wow. That's incredible. so it's like covering your tracks in the old west when you're being hunted it's fun it is it's like the hunt that's great you learned this from the revenant yeah you learned it from an inuruto i learned it from a butch cassidy and sundance kid they call me lord baltimore that's amazing that you hide the meat

under the salad. And then they find it later like it's a scene out of a movie and they go, Devin! Like Scooby-Doo. Oh, those pesky whites! You know, I do, when I'm to get my money's worth, I pick up the big bowl of water that everything's

cooked in and I drink it like this. I put a wash all over me. Just boiling hot. Yeah. Yeah. Melting your skin off. My favorite is because they always, they want you to fill up on the corn and the kimchi

and everything. So they won't come for a while and you go in hungry. They'll give you a 30 minute wait and then you finally get the meat and you're so hungry. You just like don't even like. Yeah. You don't even like cook it. No I've like felt some of the most annoyed with myself I've ever been is I've been like

oh man we only ordered two plates of meat. Yes. We all busted our nut on all this weird crap because we were just hungry Yeah. You just ate a bunch of catfish bait I ate a bunch of stink bait for catfish instead of this delicious boogaloo You ate the alien dinner from Galaxy Quest that they give Alan Rickman.

Yeah, love that movie. It's got little space bugs and squids in it and stuff. Cream barbecue's great, but you gotta be using the rice paper. You make little tacos and burritos out of it. I never even thought of doing that. You take the rice, Ben. You've been doing it wrong forever.

Ben, you're glib. You mean what? Ben, you're glib. You get the rice paper,. You've been doing it wrong forever. Ben, you're glib. Ben, you're glib. You get the rice paper, maybe double it. Pour all the bulgogi in it. Wrap it around. Put some kimchi on it, too. Throw some kimchi on the grill.

Hey, fucking have a time. And then dip it in that sweet Korean barbecue sauce that they have. And then that's how it's Korean barbecue. Otherwise, it's not... Every culture likes to pretend they were the first to put beef over a flame. You know, oh, you have to have Korean, but no, you have to have Brazilian. It's all a cow retard over a fire. Yeah, it's true.

What makes it their thing is their sauce and you gotta figure out a way to make it cultural. Yeah. Make it special. I just realized I've been, I've been ruling out Korean barbecue for the past two years because two years ago I went to a hot pot place and it sucked the dick. Not a hot pot guy.

Yeah, don't do a hot pot. Which is a totally different thing. You can't even see what's in there. Hot pot is like drinking out of a hot tub at a hotel. Yeah. That's disgusting. That is pretty gross, actually. If you're sick, it can be okay, but, like, yeah, it's always a little odd.

I had a bad time. It's always odd. You don't want to go to those places where, like I've said, they're, like, a little too Asian. Like, they just name it, like, you know, cold fungus feet juice. And you're like, what? Who gets this? Severed foot. Severed foot.

Hot dog in severed leg. In broth. We call this Agent Orange orange name of our restaurant yeah i love korean barbecue yeah la staple what's the one to two moon barbecue in koreatown yeah that's a good one it was always a really good cheapish yeah yeah that was the one where they brought you to me and you're like this might be like from a dead homeless guy i don't know you really don't yeah like they bring you meat and it has like a ring and a dog tag

in it you're like yeah well it's $9.95 so all you can eat you're like was this man tortured before you killed him and you're like oh this is John McCain okay

interesting I could taste the stress there are by the way there probably are tons of asian people in the u.s being like uh uh who's the death wish guy death wish uh something charles bronson i was gonna say charles bronson but isn't that the other dude no it's the other guy the guy from Jurassic Park Jeff Goldblum yeah Action Bronson yo I hear you got a death wish

gonna rape you on the pinball machine after I eat some bucatino razor clams but regardless I think there are probably Asian people like cleaning up cause their neighborhoods are very clean. And I think every night they do the rounds. They have suppressed the silencers on their

glocks. And they get it done. Yeah, I think so. I think a lot of these Asian communities that keep it very clean, not a lot of homeless, I think they're going around and they're executing homeless people. They might. I don't really know what you're talking about because Koreatown's full of insane people. Koreatown is like

LA's asshole. Yeah. It sucks. Dude, I lived in Koreatown for a year. I've never been closer to blowing my brains out than that month

in that year. Koreatown sucks. It's terrible. This footage we just watched, this is just them trying to open up parking spots. Dude, Koreatown is such a piece of shit.

There's a valet. Yeah, dude, there's cars in Koreatown. That's the valet. There's cars in Koreatown that haven't been moved in 50 years. You'll see like a Model T parked in front of a house in Koreatown. Yeah, you'll see a car being, a spider now runs the car. It's a big tarantula smoking a cigar. like i ain't fucking moving pal okay but let's rule out koreans chinese they don't have any homeless they don't have any homeless jace lives in a chinese neighborhood i don't want to

out you yeah well we talked i live in alhambra yeah yeah which is china and they're very asian and you don't have any problems over there. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that's more Pasadena, like sleeping in a little bit. Yeah, that's Pasadena, man. Yeah, Pasadena has like turret guns on like patrol cars. Jace lives in a Chinese- In Pasadena, ADT can kill people legally.

They have like Civil War Gatling guns. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Jace lives in a Chinese suburb. Yes. It's not Chinatown. It's like, you know, yeah, there's homeless people everywhere, too. Yeah.

Jace lives by ***, though. Well, I guess I'll cut that out. Yeah, please cut that out. I'll bleep it out. I'll bleep it out. Please cut it. Give them my exact address is what you just did. You so have to bleep that.

I cannot be the first member of the podcast who gets killed by a fan. That'd be so brutal. You know what the problem with me is? Is I can't let the line be moved. If I step over the line, I go, well, there's no line now. I can go anywhere. Right. That's always been my thing.

And then you do the grin of like, maybe I stepped over it. You go, maybe I got you killed right now. Who knows? Yeah, it's cute. Yeah. No, but living in Koreatown, another thing I hate about Koreatown is there's no parking in the entire city. If you live in Koreatown, you drive around the block for an hour at the end of your night

to find a spot. I literally do that. I would get home from Mike's. There was one time I drove around for 90 minutes before I found a spot. And I just said, fuck it. I'm going to double park and I'll get a ticket. And I just did that and woke up at 7 a.m. the next day. It's so bad and there's also what people do is so they'll buy a beater car and they'll drive their car to work they'll move the beater car in a spot that's for two cars

only like can fit they drive it right in the middle of the two spots oh and then when they come back they ram it from behind i've've literally seen people just pushing their fucking Pinto ahead. Like bumper cars. Yes, literally. Koreatown parking is so bad. When Joey first got out here, he lived in Koreatown and he had a car from Toyota that he bought. He kept getting tickets. He didn't drive enough.

You have to move it every three or four days for fucking street sweeping. And then you can never find another spot again. He was losing his mind. He just gave his car back in like a month. He just gave it so he just didn't have a car. He was like I can't take it. Joey was getting like a boot put on his car and then a boot put on top of that boot.

This is why I've been fantasizing like I'm going to admit something to you guys because I have a baby on the way. Sure. You've been threatening about leaving. You know what's really been getting me off lately? What? If you send me a nice TikTok where someone lives on a farm with a bunch of chickens. Oh, you're becoming one of those guys.

You're doing that thing. What am I doing living in this city with all this ho-hum? There's so much of this nonsense going on and about it it's stinky we all know what this the nonsense way it's a bunch of ho-hum you want to trade in the ho-hum for some humdrum there we go but literally if you just send me like a tiktok where like a lady lives in ohio and she's like i have chickens in my backyard i'm like man what am i doing with my fucking life yeah but she suffocated her children like weeks earlier yeah in the pond so she could tend to her chickens yes and that same woman is like you you're jealous of her and

then two years later she gets raped by the entire town in ohio because she showed it she showed a tattoo in the town square. You're on TikTok. You're literally on TikTok being like, get ready with me to feed my chickens in my small punk rock farm I created in Ohio. And then it's her going about her day. And in the back, you can just see like a guy in a January 6 hat, like looking through her window, just planning to rape her to death. Yeah. In her little.

Yeah. I'm so tired of like the punk guys who are like, you know what? I was punk. Now I'm actually a farmer is what to death. Yeah, yeah. In her little... Yeah, I'm so tired of the punk guys who are like, you know what I was punk? Now I'm actually a farmer, is what I am. Yeah. Yeah. I used to smoke cigs and play punk shows, and now I have a banjo.

And I have a chicken. It gets boring. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. You need that big city stuff. It is weird to go from like Gigi Allen to like and bingo what's his name-o.

You know what I mean? Going from the Sex Pistols to Old McDonald in a farm. I don't know. But you know sometimes you just think you go yeah why don't I live somewhere where like why can't I go live in Alaska where I might open the door one day with a fresh cup of coffee and a

bear rips my head off. You know where my kid can be safe. Yeah, that's fun. Don't you want... What is it? Is it daylight or nighttime all the time in those places in Alaska? Daytime. It's daytime, like 18 hours.

Is it always day? I think there's a solstice and there's one month it's all day and one month it's all night. It's crazy. What a hell. What an utter hell. The problem is, though, since I'm becoming a dad, it's becoming very dangerous to be alive, and I can't leave the house more than once or twice a week. Because my dad, when he first became a dad, he was listening to Foghat way too loud in the truck, and he almost got hit by a train.

Yeah. The train nicked the back of his truck. Right. By the way, I remember him telling us this story when we were little and I was like, that's scary.

And then anytime we were in his truck and Foghat came on, he just cranked the shit out of it. Slow ride. Burning. And I literally remember as a kid turning and being like, my E's here.

And he's like, take it easy. And I'm like, we're going to get hit by a train. That's always what dad did where he acted like he didn easy and I'm like we're gonna get hit by a train that's always what dad did where he acted like he didn't listen to music loud

because then that would fade on the radio and then Frankenstein by Edgar Winter would come on and he would turn that up to this day

I hate the song Frankenstein by the Edgar Winter band it was like we were in he's a seven foot albino freak it's the song

that goes na na na na na na na na na na na na and our our dad our dad would play it It's a seven foot albino freak. It's the song that goes. And our dad would play it at like Guantanamo Bay detainee like volume level. Yeah. It was horrific. Well, he turned it up when you guys were in the car because he was like, maybe we'll all just die. That's what I'm saying.

Maybe we'll all get clipped. Yeah. And he started heading right for a train track. Dude. But I was, I told you guys when I was in El Paso like two weeks ago, I got in a rental car and as soon as I turned the ignition on, I was going to pick up Katie from the hotel and Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers Band came on. I literally went, oh, fuck.

I go, god damn. Yeah. I turned it up. I was like, whoa, baby. Having a dad. I am living. A dad orgasm! Yeah. I turned it up, I was like, woo! Baby! Having a dad. I am living! A dad orgasm. Woo!

Yeah, that song can't make it. Like, I had never heard the song before. Yeah, make a dad who, like, actually come. It's like a Sibian for dads. Well, you said the message of the song is literally, like, a man running from all responsibility. No, the message of the song is literally, like, a guy being like, well, I got one dollar. And I can just, I can just leave yeah yeah it's an ultimate dad fantasy the ultimate dad fantasy yeah it like fucking dude i've never i felt like i like a phoenix it was crazy i was like transformed and then uh last night i'm going to hit balls at the driving range

because we're playing on Thursday in a big match. We're filming a big YouTube golf match for the fans. It'll be fun. And I can't stop listening to Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers band. And I was listening to it too loud. And I literally almost got killed by a firetruck. Yeah. Under an overpass.

I almost got fucking T-boned bad. And what's funny is I told you guys this the same day, like three hours prior. I was driving. I also started Wellbutrin this week, so I'm just like freaked out. I've literally been on like a hairy- I'm having a kid. You're on antidepressants. Yeah, you're having a kid. I'm trying desperately to not kill myself as I turn 33.

Cheers. Cheers. The therapy didn't work. Cheers to OP. So now I need pills. Here's to the best podcast ever. Wolfpack. Yeah.

Woo. All right. Okay. Oh, yeah. All right. No, just leave me hanging. That's fine. What do you take as treatment?

Yeah, so I'm on Welbutrin, which is literally like, it's kind of like Adderall. So I've literally been driving around like Henry Hill at the end of Goodfellellas like just looking up at the sky for helicopters i'm not even getting the good year blimp you're like i think it's following me dude i've had like 15 minute drives to like the golf course i've just like been going into like a freak out out of nowhere so i was driving home from the driving range i almost got hit by a fire truck same exact way as you i almost got t-bone but it was because i was i was i'm not joking i was playing the indigo girls too loudly oh really yeah which song i was playing that like i went to the doctor i went to the mountains i spoke to the children i planted

the flowers i know this is like the it follows Of being killed By fire trucks It's weird right Your whole family You guys can't wait To be T-boned Trains Fire trucks Yeah

Unbelievable We had Our granddaddy's brother He was like On his way to AA And he got ran over By an 18 wheeler No he was on a motorcycle

He got decapitated By an 18 wheeler Did he live Yeah he was He actually And. He got decapitated by an 18-wheeler. Did he live? Yeah, he was. And Devin, he became the mayor of the town. He was the mayor of the town, and his head was the comptroller. I think there was another. Because back then, you had like 14 brothers and sisters.

It was like a litter of puppies where you go, that one stuck its head in the outlet that one fell off a cliff that one that one got ate by his brother when he was there yeah and the women and the women in the old west have 19 nipples like a dog yeah that they all just feed at at one time they just they they lay on their side and they ring a big dinner bell and they go, and then all these Texas A&M fans just come running. Just 19 children who look like Coach Buddy Ryan from Last Chance U. She's like, neck and mouth. take out your dick all right don't don't get dipped by mommy's titty and there's one like actual skinny one in the back and they're like all right you're gonna get eaten by the others you don't get one of these teats jeremiah dude my dad started dipping when he was nine yeah and then he like he was allowed

to drive the truck and he had like a big cha in and he drove through someone's house drove literally through their entire house we totaled this truck when he was like nine when he was a little kid yeah his dad's like what happened he was like i'm nine i'm nine i'm nine years dude he was literally like the kid from oh brother where art thou who like crashes through the bar like he was saying i got a geo fuck i can't even think of it yeah it's like great depression era stories yeah like the kid had to drive at seven and you know yeah he's using a cane to hit the accelerator and then he drives through the general we had one great aunt i never met her she uh she was uh five

foot tall she weighed 300 pounds and she she lived in a mobile home and to get around her mobile home she had a series of lazy boys going from the living room to the kitchen and she would hop lazy boys to get into the kitchen make a sandwich she had like a lazy boy in front of the fridge oh she like she like got a contraption where she could pull the lever and it would shoot her into the other one she's playing the floor is exercise she's playing you know that puzzle game yeah you know that puzzle game where you have to move the cars around

to like park a fire truck that was her like apartment her trailer and she would just she would hop like Hubert from Lazy Boy

to Lazy Boy get in front of the fridge and then make a sandwich and she'd hop back to the living room and she my dad said she would change the channel by just jamming her cane at the TV and then make a sandwich and she'd hop back to the living room and she my dad said she would change the channel by just jamming her cane at the tv in that big hitting in that big

dial in the in the big dial and she gave away like a ton like thousands and thousands of dollars her entire savings to uh this some televangelist yeah like billy graham or some shit some guy who was like if you send me 500 i'll kill freddie mercury right now if you send me 500 i'll give the great freddie mercury aids for being gay and she's like well god let me let me hop over to my lazy boy where i keep my money she has her money buried in a lazy boy in a coffee can. Let me send it to that nice preacher man. He's going to kill all those gays.

Dude, so my granddaddy had another brother who got hit by an 18-wheeler. Dude, what is going on? Your family, it's like Frogger. No, truly. He was on his way to AA, and I think of a slug bug. It's basically like a coffee can. No, he was on a motorcycle. He had another brother that died fuck i forgot about this one this guy like got sober and he was going to aa and he pulled off into the land because you know in texas free it's like a freeway

and then you can just drive over a tiny little bullshit road to get going the other way on the freeway yeah it makes no sense yeah texas freeways have like a stop sign in the middle of them out of nowhere yeah he was on one of those and he was turning left to go into aa and this 18-wheeler behind him clipped him and pushed him into traffic on the other side and he got ran over by an 18-wheeler and just like disappeared yeah he no, Devin, he was the doctor of that same tent. And he operated on himself. Yeah. The human molecule, they called him.

They're like, we found his brainstem in one of his eyes. We put it in a pickle jack. We set it at the fair. Yeah. So that also that aunt, the the really big aunt apparently she lived to like 93 somehow because that's the thing with the avery's is god won't let us die even though we all want nothing more than to be dead yeah it's like and the worst diets of like our granddaddy going dude bacon and eggs for every meal no matter what drink Drink the grizzle, eat fucking steak. Eat in a cigarette sandwich

for breakfast. Health problems, at least? Yeah, like nine stints, oxygen machine, but still make it to your late 80s.

Yeah, not going down. And it's like, it's almost like some, you know, a serious man, like we killed a Jewish guy in the 1700s

and he cursed us. Yeah. He's like, you will want to die your entire life, but God won't take you. No, we're at the end of some weird fable. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. It ends

with us having a podcast for some reason. Yeah, I guess that's we broke the curse. Yeah. We finally broke the curse. Wow. God, it never ends, these stories. Oh, yeah. I forget that. You guys get a new retarded family every episode. I mean, for a while, every year. Yeah you guys get a new retarded family over every episode i mean for a while every year yeah just add a new one it's like retarded gerbils or like rats

reproducing in this tart attic i know and there's also extended family members we never met like uh we talked about that one episode the roaches tried to reach out to us. That's right. That's right. The long lost roaches. The long lost roaches. They wrote us a letter in shit on a piece of cardboard. We're living on one side of a catamaran. I've been eating old stamps from the post office for months. We're somehow shipwrecked inland.

Hello, are your relatives the dumbest motherfuckers who ever lived yeah it honestly ruled i'm so glad the first 15 i know we talk about this all the time the first 15 years of my life i was just surrounded by old guys wearing like fucking bi-district football championship rings from 1957 just going like yeah we have there was a guy at our church he'd give you candy but he had no fingers on his hand so he had to take the candy out of his weird fucked up no hand thing yeah out of his web yeah come get this little fudge fudgy thing out of my web come get it little one yeah because i think of my web. Come get it, little one. Yeah, because I think a rattlesnake ate all his fingers. I think that's the true story.

A rattlesnake bit all his fingers and it fell off. But dude, with our DNA and everything, mentally, I feel like I'm always walking uphill. Like I have to read all the time. I have to constantly be thinking so I don't become the dumbest, most retarded motherfucker to read all the time i have to constantly thinking so i don't become the dumbest like most retarded motherfucker to ever walk the planet yeah if i let my guard down for like a week i'd die i'd for sure stop breathing in my sleep yeah i would get like

sudden infant death syndrome like in my 30s i get like sid yeah i mean me i'm like i was like literally like every like i've told you guys like last year i I was like, man, if I had X, Y, Z, A, B, C, D, and F, then I'd finally be happy. And then I literally got all those things in a year. And I'm like, fuck, I still want to die. All right, I'll take the pills. Give me the pills to change my brain please you're taking the one though that because when i think of well butrin i think of that little rainbow thing under that weird a bottle of vitamins where it starts from like red yellow purple all the way to like yellow i'm taking the like a multivitamin it's the least cuck antidepressant you can take in my in my head it's it's like vitamin c there's like

prozac and lexapro which which just make your dick not work anymore. I took it in college and I almost ripped my dick off trying to cum once in like a three month period and make you look fat. Yeah, it turns you into an Indian guy. Yeah. Don't really know what that means for sure. Indian guys just, I mean, they're, I told you guys like Coomers, the Coomer meme needs to change and we'll get back to your thing real quick. But the Coomer meme, I hate that it's a white guy.

White guys are taking the fall for being the horny guys that masturbate all the time. We're one of the least horny races. I want to put that out there right now. You make a good point. Indians are much better at being white people than white people are. They're statistically richer than we are and they're hornier than we are. That's true. Indian guys, I imagine all day. And they're better at assault.

All day, Indian guys are at home trying to rip their own cocks off. They're masturbating someone. Every day they wake up, they look down at their cock that they glued on the night before and they rip. They sit down at the computer and they rip it off. That's because they think it's lamb. But anyway, Jess, I derailed it, but that's been pissing me off about white guys taking the fall. White guys can't take the fall for everything.

It's a very valid point. We're not even close to being the horniest guys on the internet. Not even close. No. Yeah. We do not masturbate the most. That is definitely not true. Not true at all.

White guys, it's Indian guys. Indian guys treat Instagram like it's a turkey shoot. mean they're indians indian guys treat instagram like it's a turkey shoot like they're just trying to dive on a body indian guys leave i'm not the first person to say but you need guys leave comments on like girls instagrams that sound like the guys in taken on the boat they're like i'll find you i'll kill you i'll rape you sexy babe while doing uber yeah yeah while on on like the interstate kill you or rape you. Sexy babe. While doing Uber. Yeah. Yeah, while on like the interstate.

They're picking you up from LAX and then I called them one second and then they're telling a woman that they're going to find him and kill him. Right. They're like, you see this girl?

I'm going to kill her and I'm going to rape her dead body. Cut off her ears and put them in a Vitamix and blend it up and form it into a pussy. Fuck that. Fuck that.

See what my cousin, he give me rhino horn. If I snort it, it give me boner. Big boner, my friend. Anyway, 58th and the 3rd race, okay. Money don't grow on trees. And there's mountain bees and there's grassy bees and there's nothing in this world for free. Dude, have you listened to Cage the Elephant? I love Cage the Elephant.

I love the Black Eyed Peas. Those are my two favorite bands. I only listen to music on Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004. Okay, here we go. That stays in the ad okay after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by big wireless providers if we've learned anything it's that there's always a catch so when i first heard that mint mobile offers premium wireless starting at just 15 bucks a month i thought what is the catch but after talking to them and using their service it all made sense there isn't one mint mobile secret sauce is that they're the first

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And I thought it was like some of the best pork I've ever eaten out of a bowl. But if you also follow, they send you a bunch of ingredients. So I just kind of, you know, I'm freestyling. You can do whatever you want or you can follow their rules and make like a meal that would shock people in your life. Shock people. Yeah. You're a chef all of a sudden. A woman you're trying to bone or impress or a man.

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That's HelloFresh.com slash 50lemon and use the code 50lemon for 50% off plus free shipping. Get HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. Thank you, HelloFresh, and back to the show. Bye. But anyway, you're on Lexapro? No. You didn't go on Lexapro?

No, Lexapro. Prozac and Lexapro are the ones where it's like they make you really fat and your dick not work. This is like basically like legal cocaine. So it just gives you like tons of energy and makes you like not want to eat and shit. And I've been feeling pretty good. I've also been I've been kind of spaced

out and you know. Well there's an adjustment period. There's an adjustment period. I've been getting insanely angry. I've literally like seen people in line at stores and they screw up the checkout and I just think about just bashing their fucking... I was at my Aldi, as I've talked about,

and there was an Asian lady. She's trying to do a coupon that's like, she drew it, basically. And it made the line a minute longer and all I could think about was just fucking... Once upon a time in Hollywood, just into the phone machine, just over and fucking over again yeah but in that i feel great so it's giving you the energy to uh be rageful it's it's taking away my depression and i figured out

underneath that i hate everyone and want to be really violent which does help yeah rage helps keep you alive rage helps keep you alive i've always said this yeah helps you push that rock up the hill yeah it's it is it's good i think it clears out the the arteries and whatnot yeah it's good makes it helps you sleep yeah you're all tired when you go to bed because you've been pissed off all day yeah so i need i need a little i'll never be happy or normal but there's a little pill that can turn me from a depressed fag into uncle stan so yeah i'm to take that pill. I like that.

Yep, you give people heart attacks. Exactly. You don't get them now. In a month's time, when it's really kicked in, I'm going to be going into Dunkin' Donuts and just screaming at people for no reason. Or then I'm bored. You start having a Boston accent.

I know her. Yeah, I start chain smoking in your house while the baby's here. I love that for you, though, dude. Yeah. Because we're both going through some really big changes right now and shit's about to get weird very weird imagine me three months of no sleep we might not have jobs come april oh no no i'm sorry boys

you'll be all right i couldn't imagine you any more retarded than you already are well that's why i'm saying we're gonna reach a new level yeah yeah it's gonna be like the like the deep oil like rigs where they somehow go another layer into the earth's crust of being retarded yeah ben's gonna be no sleep and my girlfriend will have moved in with me so i'm gonna be no gooning for three months and we might just both get weird man no gooning no sleep yeah what's gonna happen to both of us dude i'm kind of worried you're not gonna be able to jack off anymore i'm not gonna know what time it is yeah where's case in here we kill our families who cares come on we have a break and we shoot all our loved ones there's always a solution just listen to the fucking midnight our uh our uh our friend i don't

want to name him because i don't know if i'm he want me to say his name but our friend told us yeah bill cosby our friend had he had twins and by the time they were like four years old he confessed to his wife that for like a year he's been obsessed with killing them and killing the wife i didn't know this and then killing himself and he's been obsessed with killing them and killing the wife i didn't know this and then killing himself and he was so obsessed with this thought that he like he told her to call the police because he was afraid he was going to kill all of them what jesus yeah this guy was a deacon in a church can you believe that you know this guy was a god fearing was this our dad that's insane i'm gonna ask you who that is after

because I don't know who you're talking about good thing I didn't say the name because I thought you knew that too but yeah he wanted to chop them up into little pieces with like gardening equipment or something but you know thank god they called the police and the police showed up and killed

all of them the police showed up and opened all of them the police showed up and opened fire right through the door black family yeah exactly that's if you're a black dad who can't take anymore you just call the police on your own family they take care of the problem for you wow

you call you say hello 911 I created black children and they're like we'll be right there we'll be right there. We'll be right there. We'll be right there. Oh, man. But yeah, luckily he didn't kill anybody though. And I think he's still in a place where they send people that have thoughts like that. He went to a place?

Yeah. He just did it for that fun little vacation they send you. He wanted that little Dixie cup with the pills in it. Yeah, who doesn't want that? He doesn't like little paper cups to put ketchup in. I'd love to sit around in a circle and beg to watch the World Series. I'd love to get tortured by a big evil nurse. Dude, I would love to go in an insane asylum now

because now they're packed to the gills with all these really hot TikTok ladies with huge cans who think they're schizophrenic that keep admitting themselves into these... The state can't handle all these people who think they have multiple personalities. The hottest people you've ever seen

are all at mental institutions. It's because they all think it makes them interesting. I don't even think. I don't even think these people are smart enough to hear institutions. Yeah. Well, it's because they all think it makes them interesting. I don't even think. I don't even think these people are smart enough to hear voices. Obviously. You know? Yeah.

Kid Cudi really did a number on these people. I know. You listen to one Juana Del Rey album and you're like, I'm going to take my huge titties and I'm going to be institutionally.

I'm going to take my perfect wet pussy and my huge, great, awesome tits. Yeah. And I'm going to wear a robe and take my huge great awesome tits yeah and I'm gonna wear a robe and take piss and then ugly lady with a cups is like I have seen they go shit nobody cares about you and you stupid pussy yeah I do I do love the guys who like I can't take modern life so you know what a nice three months where i'm just shuffling around in a robe yeah kind of staring out a window and now if you do that you get a bunch of weird colorful pills and uh like playstation and tv and cards and there's tons of great pussy there now the best thing that could happen to you is you either like

go to prison or you lose your mind and go completely insane and go to a mental institution. And all the nurses are ratchets. They're all awesome. Yeah. They're all just these ladies that fucking ride the bus and they got Jordans on and tattoos in places they shouldn't. And they fucking, yeah, they have like Kenyon Martin tattoos on their neck. I'm sure they can get you anything you want.

They can get you anything you want. Anything you want. No more home life for you. Time for fun. Take your colorful pills. Here's your nurse who looks like an LSU women's basketball player. Yeah. I imagine all the nurses are just smoking PCP and you're just like playing. It's the self-care bullshit.

We opened up the floodgates. So now everyone could just say they're having like, you know, these thoughts and then they. Well, now people can't like actually get help they need because these places are, I imagine it's just, it's droves of like,

I imagine a mental institution now. It's just like, it's someone goes like, do you have an outlet over there to charge your ring light? I got to charge my ring light I gotta charge my ring light that's all it is cause they're doing makeup tutorials

on TikTok and they gotta still make their money I gotta send a selfie to Chris D'Elia do you mind if I charge my ring light

do you mind do you mind yeah no I mean we've been our mom worked for one of these places for like 13 years i remember going there and it's just like yeah god forgot about all these people and he's never coming back yeah yeah but they're also a lot of them are geniuses they are geniuses but in the way of like

they find really creative ways to hang themselves yeah that's how they're geniuses yeah yeah one guy hang hung himself with like booty shorts there was one guy i don't know if i talked about this on the podcast but he uh he tried to hang himself with his pants so they took his pants away and he had to wear short shorts like you know like hot girl short shorts yeah and he figured out a way to hang himself with that so i don't know how you do wow yeah with like richard simmons shorts he hung himself yeah good for him i know there's always a way everyone out there want everyone to know i know that somehow. I don't know how you do that. Wow. With like Richard Simmons shorts he hung himself. Good for him. I know. There's always a way.

Everyone out there. I want everyone to know. I know. You're the Kobe for killing yourself. When I don't get like Wake up at 4am I come up with ways. Yeah. I wake up at 4am I put up one shot and it's through my brain.

Can you just kill yourself by like holding your breath i never got it no can you just go maybe if you're really dumb yeah that's how you drown a burke christian you hold your breath yeah but there's a bunch of stuff around you not letting you no that's only if you sink to the bottom of the ocean otherwise you're fine all right yeah i guess you solved it you can't drown in a bathtub. It's not deep enough. Yeah, you can. Oh, you can. Well, a bathtub you actually can.

Yeah. No, I know obviously you can. Yeah, yeah. It would be funny to drown in a... So if you're in prison and you want to kill yourself, you could drown yourself in a glass of water. You stick your nose down in the glass and just hold your breath. Yeah, I mean, maybe.

I don't know. Yeah. Because then when you suck in air to breathe, it all goes in your lungs and you die. Or you can kill yourself like Aaron Hernandez. Do like a little three stooges hanging. Yeah, you could like Crisco the floor and shit. Do a hanging where you're going, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

The whole time. You could also just kill yourself by doing a front flip and landing on your neck. Yeah. That's true. You could just keep telling people you're practicing for something. Or are you giving the hands like this that one's for free like you're saying some steve harvey relationship wisdom nobody's ever thought of that do a backflip and land on your head thank like a lady kill

yourself like a man and people won't even know if you're trying to kill yourself or if you were trying to do some weird like matrix run up the wall shit yeah because you're just you have autism i would kill myself just doing the belt choke sex thing, obviously. Yeah, I'd go out that way too. Yeah,

because you want to have like one last. Yeah. Also, so like my friends and family aren't sad. They're just like, oh,

he was just really horny and messed up, you know? Yeah. There's no like, oh, we could have, you know,

we should have reached out or something. Oh, by the way, and I would never kill myself the way Anthony Bourdain did it. Like a bitch. So cringe. You would never kill myself the way Anthony Bourdain did it like a bitch so cringe

you would never date a pedophile and then go along with a movement on CNN get cucked publicly nope never would do that

and send her a bunch of pussy ass text messages at 3am and then hang yourself but at the end of the day he loved In-N-Out never

by the way to this day never seen someone eloquently explain why he kicked ass. Never seen it once. People share photos of him and he has like an earring

and it's in black and white and they go, he was a legend. They're like, he was a legend. What I loved about him was he was old but he wasn't fat.

And that means he's cool. If he was fat, it would be a whole different story. Oh, they would be cheering. They'd be banging pots together when he killed himself yeah you fat pedophile lover i mean i even love his text messages or so 14 year old kid before he killed himself

what were they i don't know he's just he's texting he's texting the lady who's the pedophile who and he's just like you you've embarrassed me and she's like lol pussy bitch she really would respond i mean i'm being a little comedic but i think she was literally he's like you've talked to me publicly she's like will you leave me alone and he's just like like literally like a teenager just being like say my dicks but is it above average though like tell me for real or will you lie and she's like it was average and then he just hung himself. Yeah. They're all public record. You can go look them up. Okay.

I will. Do you want me to look them up? No, no. It feels a little disrespectful on the show. Let's just keep watching these Koreans shoot black people. This is a great image.

Oh, this has been in pause the whole time. I didn't even realize that. This is the school shooter jump man logo right here. The Korean guy walking across the street pulling a trigger.

Yeah. But yeah, Bourdain, I tend to, I kind of agree, Ben. logo right here the korean guy walking across the street pulling a trigger yeah yeah but yeah bourdain i tend i kind of agree with him i'm not really sure i never understood why i was supposed to be like the guy goes on vacation like don't we all want to go on vacation he would have some thoughts when he went but at the end of the day he's eating he's eating you know chicken satay or whatever the fuck did Did he have some thoughts? What are the thoughts? Places are different. People are different.

And he also did the classic fucking chef thing where they really condescendingly eat fast food. And they pretend like they're the only person that understands the depth and beauty of chili fries. And that we're all just retards. Well, how about this? How about you go to a place and you tell me it stinks? Don't some places stink? Go to a place and be like, I would never go to Cambodia. It sucks.

Yeah. That would be if Anthony Bourdain in Cambodia was like, man, this Kissinger guy knew what he was doing. This place stinks. This place stinks. B-O. Yeah. That's an honest guy. A guy that travels the world and he goes, we don't need a lot of it. Yeah.

A guy that does a whole episode in India and at the end of it, he looks into the camera and he goes, yeah, not for me. Yeah. Not for me. Not a big fan of any basket you open being full of Cobras. He goes, listen, traveling's cool, but everything smells like shit and I can see a guy raping someone behind the camera. So I don't like this place.

His cameraman's getting raped. Yeah, his cameraman's getting raped and he's got to be like, the art of travel, it's like a lighthouse for the soul. Yeah, he's got to be in, yeah, he's got to be in Shanghai

at some booth, you know, eating like fried scorpions and a Mexican Coca-Cola and be like, this is something you can't get in Beverly Woods. Also you know

what really pisses me off too? He steals sober valor. Wasn't sober. He drank. Yeah he drank. That's not being sober at all. Oh yeah he pretended because he wasn't on heroin

that he's sober. He's still getting trashed. Yeah ripping cigs. Yeah he was like getting drunk. He was a big drunk. Yeah he was a big booze hound. Yeah enough.

Not sober. Oh, yeah, because you stopped doing the best thing that also could kill you quicker. Yeah. Wait, so you still drink? What? And he also, he was a heroin addict like a hack. He was just like a teenager. He was like, I'm like Keith Richards.

I'm cool. That's what I hate about him is he wanted to be cool his whole fucking life. Yeah. Yeah. And that's so retarded. Yeah. Because that's so retarded. Yeah. Because that's literally just like looking around and going like, oh, what does everybody say I should do?

I'll do that. That's like what being cool is. He also had two fucking kids and he killed himself. And he killed himself when they were little kids. When they were little kids. Fuck you. And then half that documentary is about like how he didn't have enough time to spend with his kids and the traveling and all that.

It's like, well, then you killed yourself over some young strange. I know. You dipshit. Who was a pedophile? Who fucked kids? Who was a pedophile? And you were on CNN every night promoting the Me Too movement, and then you found out your wife was fucking, you know.

Your wife was drilling school children. She was getting railed by pubeless boys. Your wife's over here raping McLovin. And you're on CNN acting like men are pigs. It's so true, dude. I'm sick of the Anthony love. All I see, I don't see a single criticism of the dude. It drives me up a wall.

It drives me up a wall. It drives me up a wall. He has those quotes that they give to great novelists. People will have him on their fridge, and it's him, and he's sitting in Joshua Tree, and he's holding a scotch, and he's looking at the camera, and it'll just say, live, drink, have fun, have sex. Just like a shitty Henry Millerer quote there was one you said yeah and it's also by the way the quote's always by mark twain and then it's just like misattributed

yeah and he just kind of like stole a mark twain quote and you're like what's so interesting about that there's one he said the group chat where it's just him it's yeah it's him in a chair in a desert it's like you know stay up too late drinking you know call in sick to work because you're hung over eat shitty chinese food go to mardi gras like all these type of like declarative and then i was like yeah it should end with date a pedophile yeah be really gay about it yeah kill yourself when your life rules if you here's the thing if you committed suicide you your life advice is mute on everything else it's also very basic it's also very basic like like uh hedonistic life advice is mute on everything else. It's also very basic. It's true. It's also very basic, like,

like a hedonistic life advice masquerading as deep. Yes. Half the people that want to like, like listen to that are dead because they ate too much Chinese food and drank whatever they wanted and did whatever they wanted. Yeah. So, you know, not whatever.

I don't know. He, I don't, I, every time I've tried putting on a show, I'm like incredibly bored. I just don't get I don't want to watch a guy have you killed yourself because what you had too much vacation time. Your show about vacation.

How about this? OK, everybody says we're haters. But how dull do you have to be to watch a guy eat calamari and talk about it? Yeah. How dull is your life? Go eat calamari and talk about it. How dull is your life? Go eat calamari yourself. Yeah, to be at home and be like, honey, honey, Anthony, he's in Hamburg right now.

You go there. Yeah. You go there. You do something. Yeah. I'm more of a somebody feed Phil guy. Somebody feed Phil is the greatest television editor. Anthony Bourdain for mentally retarded people.

Who are you talking about? Phil Rosenthal. I gotta look him up. He co-created Emeril's Ramen, and he has this show called Somebody Feed Phil, and he just goes to... He's Anthony Bourdain, but he's douche Bourdain, where he just eats food. He'll go to the south side of Chicago, and he'll go to a community garden, and he'll be like, ooh, that's a good tomato

oh dude he looks like a useless retard yeah he created he's extremely corny he created everybody loves raymond yeah he did yeah and then he created this show and they you know they were like you don't have enough money let's let's send you all over the fucking world and you can eat and drink and do whatever you want. Not really be that entertaining. Well, this is the whole thing where people are like, people want shows about CFOs. This is what you get. It's also funny because they'll send them to these places.

And then it'll be him eating a BLT. And they're like, Phil, can you do some waxing poetically? And he'll be like, well, the thing is, it's bread, bacon, lettuce, and tomato. Yeah. He can't say- He describes it like your elderly grandmother. He can't say anything objectively above what's happening in front of him.

Here's the reason Anthony Bourdain is good and the best of these types of guys is because he had no problem, I guess, listening to dark things. He'd go to another country and they'd talk about my children were sold into sex slavery or whatever and he'd be like,

wow, he'd ask a question. He wouldn't get all weird. Anytime I've seen this guy on his show and somebody says something mildly political or heavy, he just goes, oh, this rhubarb is delicious though. He gets nervous.

He doesn't want to talk to anybody about them actually. Bourdain looked people in the eye and like cared but like once again i do that too on vacation no one's fucking paying me to go on vacation yeah i do that every time i eat yeah i don't care you fucking eating grilled cheese around the fucking country whatever my favorite i mean my favorite part is in the documentary roadrunner if you watch it is he goes to like like senegal or something and he likes he's buying the street food and he like as he's trying to be the good guy type of thing it's a metaphor for his life perfectly he buys a bunch of street food he's like oh let's give it to the the poor kids and then he he gets

he buys like five things give it to the. And like these guys have like fucking knives. Yeah. And like bats come out and just start hitting people. No, he like starts a civil war by like just handing out like sandwiches. So he gives them a bag of rice and it destabilizes the economy. Yeah. No, literally. Like the currency doesn't exist by 8 a.m. Yeah. Yeah.

He literally tries to introduce like NFTs to the country and the whole thing collapses. Yeah. He starts a coup. Yeah. And then he's just walking away. He's like, bleh. Anyway. Yikes.

Anyway, I heard there's great plum wine. He handed out free tacos and by morning, General Pinochet was dead. I think we should all do a show where we review eating homeless people. I think we should have a show where we cook beans over a fire in the can. We cook what we find in the trash and we live outside. I like that.

Either that or we should do a travel show where we just go to Chipotle's around the country. I'm into that. Everywhere we go, we just go to a Chipotle and we're like, oh, the barbacoa is a little better here. And they let me do that because I am guac mode verified. I want everyone to know that. Oh, Devin has a Chipotle rewards card.

Somebody paid you for guac. Somebody recently paid me for my birthday. Jason Sheehan. Thank you, buddy. Yeah. Oh, I got to get you a birthday present. No, you don't. No, we don't.

Yeah. Nobody needs to. I bet it sets a precedent. Then Jay's like, what do I got? I got gotta get him Yeah, you didn't get me anything what the hell well cuz I that's why we set a precedent here We don't do that. We can do it if we make way more money, but well, here's the thing I don't care about that kind of stuff me neither and so you don't either so then we just get to not do it

No, it's not meaningful. I don't care And by the way I also don't do the thing where i'm like i like to surprise at any point when i fight i don't even do that all that type of shit don't even do that it gets people in trouble it gets people in trouble if you set that precedent then you the guy starts wondering well they didn't give me anything and then they start thinking the guy that got him something's a better friend it makes people stupid sometimes i'm out with my wife and we see something. We'll see a mural, like a poster of Kobe.

And Katie goes, oh, should we get that for Devin? I'm like, absolutely not. Right, because then you give it to me. What are you doing? And then I get all stressed. I go, what the fuck? I go, what do I get Ben?

What the hell? I don't know books. I gotta buy him a book now? You gotta find a place to hang the poster. It's a whole thing. It's a nightmare. Don't give people anything. Don't give people anything.

Don't give people anything. You gotta wait. Take stuff away from them. Come to my house and take something. How about that? I got plenty of shit I don't want.

Come in, take a lamp or some shit. Get the fuck out of here. A birthday present if anything it should be I walk up to you and I go, here's five dollars.

And you take it and you put it in your wallet. That's it. Exactly. I do want to point something out before we close this episode. What's that? I clearly don't think you can drown. I know you can drown in a bathtub.

People are so retarded they don't understand I'm just saying retarded shit. But you don't know you can't make toast in the bathtub. That I don't know. But also everything besides that you said has been true this episode. You can drown in a glass of water. Everything I've said is true besides that. Actually, almost everything I say on this podcast I do believe. And then people think I'm joking.

And I'm like, yeah, I was clearly doing a bit. I don't actually think that about Korean people. That happens all the time. To me on Hatewatch, too. I'm like a complete cartoon character in Hatewatch. People are like, Devin me on Hatewatch too. I'm like a complete like cartoon character in Hatewatch. People are like, Devin's embarrassing

this episode. And I'm like, yeah, I can, that's what, you know. It's like watching Dumb and Dumber

be like, these guys are retarded. I have to piss, dude. You're like, Jeff Daniels is a stupid motherfucker. Yeah, I know. I mean,

a lot of times I get messages like, you can go piss, but. A lot of comedy is pretending to be stupid to get to a place. The amount of times I get messages like, you can go piss. A lot of comedy is pretending to be stupid to get to a place. The amount of times I've gotten messages like, dude, I can't believe on the latest episode you hate Albanians. Number one, I don't remember that. And number two, I don't even know what Albanians are. I've just heard the word from other stuff.

Yeah. So. Yeah, Devin said you have to pretend to be stupid to get to good places in comedy. Good luck for me. I don't have to pretend. No, you're a natural, baby. Time to pretend. Oh, dude.

A fucking... Dude. College? Dude. MGMT playing? Me finger banging a chick who's not conscious dude i have a great idea let's go to michael's right now okay do people know what michael's is they probably know let's go to hobby lobby right now yeah i'll probably be more accessible for the bit let's go to hobby lobby right now let's get bandanas for a dollar and let's wear them like mgmt yeah

and then let's like go to the beach and just like talk about music we like let's do let's get the bandanas let's start dressing like the actors in wild hogs full leather head to toe and still go to the beach dying of heat stroke just on the beach i like culturally appropriating the idea of a tribal person though which is what mgmt kind of started yeah where they were like they're like i'm fucking i'm not american i'm i'm mogli i'm i'm the jungle i'm in the jungle book even though even though i go to columbia and so did my dad and my grandpa but i'm i live in a warehouse and i'm mogli yeah yeah those guys got so lucky because like they made some cool ass shit on a synthesizer and they like had a pet turtle.

And that was kind of it. Well, yeah, they were also that cringy. I hate that because they're like, dude, we're really good at making catchy music that everybody loves. What if we ruin that? I know. Because we're gay about people liking us on a mass level. I know. I wanted to like congratulations so much.

I just couldn't. I know. I know. I tricked myself into liking it and then i finally admitted like six months later i was like i don't like yeah this is terrible yeah and then like and then like 20 years later they're like oh we'll make a little dark age we actually want you to like us a little bit i'm like nope you had your chance you had your chance tiktok people will like you but they don't actually know who you are you're dead to us now dead to us

mgmt get fucked get fucked sit and fucked. Sit and spin, bitch. I'm going to listen to Charli XCX because she cares about me. Yeah. I'm going to listen to Charli XCX because she drinks Mountain Dew and vodka and does cocaine. I'm going to listen to Ayanna Pop and think about Lena Dunham. I love it. I don't care. I love it.

Excuse me, I'm going to be the worst person imaginable. That song always reminds me of when we were at a party in college and Bill was dancing on the couch with his shirt on and I think he had piss right now. It was either sweat or piss, I don't know. There were so many parties where I tried to stand on top of things and I immediately got taken out by a ceiling fan. Then I was just out for the rest of the night.

Just like KO'd immediately. A chunk taken out of your skull. Yeah, just fly through the window, knock over a Christmas tree. Drunk man's lobotomy. You get fucked up like Super Dave Osborne. Like a truck hits you and you fly 85 feet. I'm playing a piano on top

of an 18-wheeler. And it goes through a tunnel. You try to jump off the space needle and explode. Yeah, exactly. Well, patreon.com slash lemon party. We're playing golf on Thursday. We're going to shoot that. I'm going to edit that. And then we're shooting a big sketch on Saturday,

which we've really been prepping for and I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Devin Hatewatch Pod. Jays Outside Drawings by Jays. The Clips channel, Living Party Clips. Subscribe to that, because we go live every Wednesday at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time.

And if you guys don't have anything else to say, I think that's the episode. We've got an hour and 11 minutes here. Hatewatch is banned for a week. Oh, yeah, yeah. It'll be back whenever a week is up. So Devin's banned again, because I don't know why.

Because we watched a clip on YouTube that the whole internet watched on YouTube. I've been reporting Devin's channel so he can't leave our podcast. I don't want him to get too big. Yeah, me and Jayson have abandonment issues. So he's slowly been sabotaging Devin's life. God, in a weird way that makes me feel so warm. We've been poisoning Ida. God, so you feel so warm. Yeah. Yep. Hmm.

We've been poisoning Ida. God, so you do love her. Oh my God. My sick, twisted relationships in my childhood makes me think this is love. Okay. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. GONG Thank you.