lemonparty - 044: Tight Ends

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty We shot a golf match in glendale. It's on the patreon now! One hour long. Check it out. ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

D-Dick Swag. I own that light, man. Always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of wheels, but it kept me. Do you like swag? I don't think the mics are on, Ben. I hear myself. You don't hear yourself? I do not. Is my just... Your accord might be out.

Okay. Gracie shoved my cord up her fucking ass, as always, when I leave. I can hear it now. Oh, there it is. Okay. Yeah. I can hear it. It's good now.

Yeah, we're good. Yeah. Let's just go golfing. Let's go golfing. Let's go golfing. Let's go golfing. Ooh, what are you doing? You're doing like a really sexy, like, twerk soy face now. Mm.

Wow. Ooh, I don't know if I like that. Yeah. You're doing like that woman who's trying to get molested by a baby daddy voice. Yeah, the, what is it called? A we go? What? Huh? A Wego? What? Huh?

A Wego. You know the- Here we go. Here we go with Ben. You guys saw the- Oh, he's going on and on about Wego. Okay, I'll pull it up. Fine.

What's this? All right, let's start with something terrible. Here we go. Surely you guys, everybody saw this clip. Is this a new culture? Is it for the culture? It's for the culture. A Wego. Yeah. I'm going to get Jace horn for the culture. A we go. Yeah.

I'm gonna get Jace horned up before we even start going. Yeah, I might have to take a jerk break. Go into your bathroom and have the bidet. Fuck me in the ass. First off, I just want to say how I'm so thankful we're all here and survived the hurricane. That fake news

bullshit hurricane. I know. People were acting like it was like the wreck of like the andrea like dorian or something it was it nothing happened it was rain in fact i i better hear about some people's lives being drastically altered in la i was i was legitimately pissed it was not worse because i got i got talked into it i got fooled and i went to the fucking ralphs and got like two gallons of distilled water yeah you know fought off like who knows how many asian people i went in the middle of the day all the water was gone because people were like people they can't wait to be told to just stay inside

for the rest of their lives people want to be in prison yeah in their own apartment they really do yeah and it was the easiest it was the most nothing thing i've ever i legitimately every time it rains in la my apartment parking garage floods. It did not flood this time. And I walked outside. I was pissed off. It was worse in February. We just had rain all week.

Yes, exactly. Bullshit. Oh, this stupid podcast again? Yeah, the whores with the dumb guys. Yeah, but this is a different kind of whore. The podcast where they had on like a Pokemon whore on that one time. Yeah, look at her. I'm Nala Ray.

I am the Ahago Queen. What is the, how's it pronounced? Ahago. Oh, look at those eyes. The cum face, basically. Lord have mercy. She looks like she. That's what I was trying to do.

She looks like she got AIDS from Kingdom Hearts. You had Goofy fucked her with that big key. Look, this is the sound I was trying to do. Ooh-ooh? Ooh-ooh? Ooh-ooh? Yeah, yeah. Ooh-ooh?

I've heard the ooh-ooh girl. No, it's literally like... Wait, this doesn't do it for you guys? I mean, she's... Yeah, I'd fuck her and then throw her in an alleyway, but... You're telling me you wouldn't hold a knife

to this woman's throat. I mean, yeah. Everyone always says they're not attracted to this, you know? I mean, it's... You could come in her mouth and then cut her head off.

It's literally, like, the sex equivalent of, like, Westworld, where you're like, well, she's not real anymore. It isn't. So I could, like, I could be're like, well, she's not real anymore. So I can like, I could like, I could be fuckier from behind

and set her head on fire while I'm doggy fucking her. Yeah. And she's just going, looks like you want to kill me. The only woman on earth you could fuck like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear.

No one has a problem with it. Yeah, you're putting a blowtorch on her fucking back her wrist she's holding uh her hand over an open flame and going god that sucks you gain like coins like coins start appearing in the sky the more you come on her face what is wrong with these okay that's the people? That's the other one. That's the other one. Okay. I'm dominant.

You're dominant? Yes. I'm daddy. You're daddy. Whoa, wait. Show the tattoo to the camera right here. Yeah, she's just not real anymore. She also loves doing this cross-eyed thing.

It's a Hago. Oh, that's what that is. A Hago, yeah. Is that a cross-eyed thing? Is that when you're blowing a guy and your eyes go cross-eyed like a cartoon? No, it's just like a hentai thing where the woman is coming...

Imagine your dick is so good and veiny and you're so good at having sex. Which we know makes a dick good, veiny. Your dick is so veiny and you're so good at making love to a woman. That it makes her more retarded than she already is. That's right. She has even worse opinions about movies and entertainment.

You're basically fucking an extra chromosome into her brain. Right. You're fucking her so hard she's becoming retarded. So she's making like anime sex face? Yeah, she's a woman who's so turned on her she loses the ability to focus her own eyes and they start

crossing into this crazy orgasmic. You fucked her so good her forehead grew. She like got down syndrome. Like dance dance revolution orgasm yeah yeah exactly yeah you fucked her so good she turns into like enter the void she just starts floating around tokyo and going oh she's still getting raped yeah she's getting raped and she starts talking

she starts talking in a bad Asian accent. She goes, fuck up my pussy, old man. She astral projected to Japan and got raped. Yeah. She astral projected into Japanese ninja Bushido period. Like the 1400s and she got fucked by seven samurai. Samurai Jack is just shoving his cock down her throat. She's going, ooh.

That's what that is. It's a Hago. What did she get written on her bottom lip, inside her lip? What does that say? Yeah. It says daddy. Daddy in all curs. Yeah, that's fantastic.

It just says daddy. Yeah. I never had one. I fuck girls with strap-ons. This is what makes me more dominant. I wouldn't fucking die. Who's that fucking retard, like that men's warehouse manager sitting there?

Look at that shit. Yeah, get back to fucking owning a Verizon. Yeah, that guy's building an empire, but he works at Enterprise. I think there was a girl dressed like a fucking like 1912 German Bismarck in there as well. Oh, yeah. She had the pointy Nazi helmet.

Yeah, nice. She thinks that's just like a Sibian hat. She sits on the German pointy helmet and cubs. Well, if you're an Asian girl getting into into only fans i mean what are you gonna wear besides what's in your father's closet just you know you're coming on a nazi plate and wearing a weird helmet i hate the south pacific i'm glad my parents were gutted yeah it's the soldiers pushing up that flagpole and then her sliding down it. Pearl Harbor happened because we just don't know how to fly.

They're too scary. Do you date men or women? Oh, I'm so, so, so attracted to men. Like, I need dick. Like, when I'm drunk, like women. When I get drunk, it's like, titties. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. It's really hard for me to take advice from people that I don't respect. And I don't respect a lot of people.

Have you been diagnosed with BPD? No, and I really don't think I should go to the doctor to be told I'm... Yeah, you're probably fine. And when you say you're dominant, do you mean... By the way, pause real quick. This is this guy, the guy with the hoodie zip-up leather jacket. Oh, the brilliant host? Yeah, the genius host.

That's like every one of these guys that runs these shows like that's a type of guy out there day game guy yeah oh yeah yeah you know he got it at like target's young adult section it's like a mossimo jacket motorcycle jacket with the zippers what uh that guy sucks ass yeah zippers for different dosages of ruffolin. Yes. Yes, exactly. This one's for the heavy girls at the bottom, and it's for the skinny girls on the top. Yep. Yeah, he picks up that jacket at the CVS pharmacy. Boy.

Yeah, the jacket is actually made of Rohafnol. You can tear a piece off of it and drop it in a girl's drink. Yeah, he can just dip his sleeve into her drink. Like a poison frog. Yeah. You can just lick the jacket and they pass out. I know. Just him walking into a JCPenney and be like,

can I look like if Lionel Messi raped his daughter? Do you have an outfit for that? That'd be great. Can I look like every fucking idiot in West Hollywood getting pussy? So this is the fantasy of a day game guy, is him intellectually schooling a bunch of women and at the end having a great big orgy with all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is every episode of this podcast is they just sit there and go like, you know, a man built the chair you're sitting in. We pretty much made a sketch about this podcast. Yeah, it was basically based on this, essentially. And that other retard, the porn star guy. Oh, Adam 22. Adam 22, yeah. But I'm realizing we didn't make it ret star guy. Oh, Adam 22. But I'm realizing we didn't make it retarded enough.

I thought we did. No, no, no. You can't make it retarded. People thought that was a real podcast. They want us to get back to it. We actually had a lot of sponsors reach out. We did have Pfizer reach out and was like, hey, we got a lot of new rape drugs coming out. Yeah, a lot of whistle companies.

That No Jumper guy wants me to fuck his wife. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He wants everyone to fuck his wife. Yeah, apparently. Yeah. I mean, they don't exist. They're so empty, those people.

No, truly. Like, if you cut them, nothing would come out. You're like, I can't even make fun of them. There's nothing to even say. They're not real. If they look in a mirror, they don't see a reflection, like a vampire. They're like, I can't even make fun of it. There's nothing to even say. They're not real. If they look in a mirror, they don't see a reflection, like a vampire. They're like, I don't even know. I forgot my name. They're like, welcome back to No Jumper with this guy pointing at themselves.

That's why they tattoo tears on their face to make it feel, oh, I guess I cried once. They have autism. They have to tattoo every emotion on their head exactly yeah like i tattooed a spider on my forehead for sometimes to remind myself i get scared yeah yeah they they their tattoos they don't even know their tattoos they just got pranked at a party one time and they just never washed yeah it's just a dick with an arrow pointing towards their mouth yeah well regardless as much as you get you guys have no respect for any of these people regardless this woman is still i mean i got this woman really

does it for me right here this one this one the ahago queen yeah are you kidding me yeah because you've always wanted to fuck a worm with a titty job i've always wanted to fuck a blue baby squirrel. Oh, yeah. I always wanted to fuck Alvin's girlfriend. Yeah. From Alvin and the Chipmunks. I'm assuming he had a girlfriend or something like that. No, there was the female Chipmunks and they were all hot.

Oh, there was actually. Yeah, they matched the Chipmunks because there was one like BBW Chipmunk and there was like one nerdy Chipmunk. Oh, so did Theodore get the fat lady? Yeah, Theodore loves fat chicks. Nice. I like that. In the album and the chipmunks. That's right.

There's that meme of all the chipmunks getting sucked off and it's always who's getting the best head. Have you seen that? No. It's a very popular meme. It's a very popular meme, yeah. And they'll copy in Walter White and Bob Odenkirk into the meme sucking off the chipmunks.

I like that. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I like that a lot. So humor's not that. No, no. We're doing just fine. Everything's great. And this lady is, you know,

she's got a lot of fans out there who are gonna... This is her foray into Asian culture for her. She thinks she's, you know, this is Fast and the Furious Tokyo Horror. You know? I love even imagining the guys, like, because the whole podcast is like, they're the Steven Crowder of whores. So just like reaching out to these whores and be like, hey, would you like to be, you

know, made fun of by guys who can't make fun of you, you know, on a podcast that somehow has nine million views. They don't even make jokes about them. No. On a podcast that's somehow listed as Obama's favorite podcast. Like Obama released it. He's like, my new top 10 podcast. Well, it's not gay enough for him.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that big queen. We called that. Holy shit. Talk about a Hago queen. Good God. His eyes were crossing when he was sucking off Big Lair. Jesus Christ.

Because that was in the real news. That was in the New York Post and stuff. Yeah, it's confirmed. Is it confirmed? They should have quoted us Yeah They really should have That he told

But not even that bitch It's just talking about Like retarded people Yeah Yeah I um I uh I wish I could quit you

I uh Wish I knew Uh How to quit you I um Ain't no queer Obama hugging that jacket At the end of Brokeback.

He's hugging a drone. Hanging a drone back up in his closet just closing it. Is there more to this clip? You seemed to have stopped it earlier. Do you want to see some more? Of course. It's the Haga Queen.

This is where I live for this. It's the Haga Queen. What are we talking here? I feel like my masculine energy is higher than most men's masculine energy. Like even in bed, I would literally fuck you until you were doubting your sexuality. I also tried someone who did what I did and I turned them basically gay. So I fucked him until he became gay or something. I swear to God.

You motherfucker. Well, listen, I'm not trying to hurt anybody. I just fuck you and fuck you. I'm sorry. Lay you and lay you. Until, you know, like you're like, oh my God, I have no more cum inside my body anymore. The f*** is wrong with this lady? Like, you'll never want to cheat on me.

I love cheating. It's actually my biggest fantasy. It's not that f***ing difficult. You're with someone or they're with someone. I don't even have to be with someone. But if you're with someone and you have a girl, I'm going on your fucking dick and be like isn't my pussy tighter isn't it better isn't that just hot i'm a competition in myself by the way it'd be great if i turned around you guys are both jacking pants are wrapped dude we're standing up

and we've got a we've got a PVC pipe that we put two pocket pussies in and we're just fucking it back and forth like a Chinese finger trap Chinese finger trap for jacking off when you guys fuck it it gets tighter and tighter

and our cum hits each other in the middle like a bullet in the Civil War. Like the Hadron Collider. Yeah, exactly. Where they'd shoot electrons at the... It makes new types of pussy juice that haven't been discovered yet. I'm just waiting for this woman to be like, yeah, my dad was

Ted Bundy, so that's why I like this. Yeah. Yeah. Well, a lot of guys are like, she's a fucking loser. And then they're clearly jacking off to her. Of course. Does she have porn? Yeah, that's the whole thing.

She's a porn star? No, she has a sub stack. Yeah. She actually works for the New York Times, Gavin. Yeah. Okay. She has this great article about Benjamin Netanyahu. Yeah.

She sat on his dick. She studied under Abby Martin, actually. She's been doing a lot of great work over there. Okay, yeah. Okay, never mind then. Yeah. I'll check her sub stack out. Yeah, she's like, I went to Israel and I fucked the Ayatollah.

I made him come his stupid diaper off his head. I can fuck an Indian guy so good that his diaper pops off his head like a cartoon. The ladies in the IDF are so hot, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. They all look like Natalie Portman. They have huge tits. Gal Gadot.

Yeah. Gal Gadot. Yeah. Yeah. She was in the IDF. Oh, she was? Yeah. Don't they all have to be if they're from there?

They all are in the military. I'd be careful with the word they. Oh, I mean Jews. Oh. Oh. Oh, I mean Jews. Oh. Oh. Oh, my bad. Did you see there was a... You're like, oh, no, no, no.

Right. I mean the Jewish race. In Israel. Yes. It is Israel. The Israel Jews. Are you allowed to say they if you're talking about Israel? I say they about everybody.

Except white people. I always refer to them as the chosen no there was a really funny there's you know there's like always these twitter accounts that's like israel like defenders club and they get you know like a million dollars from the government every year and they tweeted uh they go hey guys uh fact check. There was a rumor that this Palestinian man had a star of David burn into his face. If you look at this officer's boot, it was actually when he kicked him in the head. So checkmate, guys. I think I saw that.

Yeah. People were like, what the fuck are you talking about? I remember I wanted to. I was asking people when we were, I don't know, like seven, eight years ago in comedy, like a bunch of Jewish comedians that we were friends with were saying they were going on like birthright and that it was like a free trip and shit. And I was like, fuck, well, my dad's Jewish. Like, can I?

Because I just wanted to get a free plane ride and just hang out in a hotel. Yeah. But then they told me. You don't even go into Israel. You just jack it off at the hotel. I didn't even look into it because they told me I would have had to have gone on there, like seeing all the stupid crap that they all look at. I don't even know.

I don't know what goes on there. Yeah, I've known some people who have gone to Israel and they say it's like really cool. And then they're like, and by the way, look at all these children throwing rocks at us. There's like two days of that. Yeah, that's it right there. Yeah, I found it. Yeah, it's Palestinian propagandists are claiming a known drug trafficker had a starved David Brand on his face after being arrested by Israel police. What really happened, it was an imprint from an officer's shoelaces pictured here.

Oh, okay. It was a henna tattoo. They're like, don't look into Israel. We just treat his face like it was a football in the NFL. Yeah, we just did the Charlie Brown Lucy thing with his head. We just put his stupid hat on a plastic tee and kicked it 40 yards. Yeah. So nothing to see here.

But I mean, come on. It's a complicated issue. I mean, come on. It's very complicated. I mean, the Palestinians are, you know, they're fucking, they're Palestinian. Yeah. You know what? That's a great, that's honestly the best argument.

I don't know what else to say I don't know anything about it Devin please The Palestinians are not Jewish I just know they have a big net And they catch all the They catch all the All the bombs

Like butterflies Yeah No I mean I think Literally their argument is like They're not They're not Jews So we should get all of their Land and houses and stuff

Oh god the comments Are gonna be so fucking annoying. Oh, sorry. It's fine. It's fine. I think, first of all, everybody will have stopped listening to the episode already because they're all masturbating to the Ahego Queen.

We're going to see our watch time goes from, like, it's like 9,000 people and it just drops off a cliff to the two gay guys who watch the channel. Gracie, knock it off. I'm gonna leave her on the screen. I'm gonna leave the Hago Queen on the screen

the rest of the time. Gracie, I think, got inspired by the Hago Queen and she's just licking my fucking heels for like 20 minutes. Ooh, ooh. She wants to.

Ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh. I'll sit on your dick. I'll turn you gay faggot I love sucking cack it's not a mechanism that keeps me sane because I got molested so hard I'm an MKUltra

participant didn't you tell me girls that do that voice it's because they got molested when they were like one day old? Yeah. No, literally, it's like a- And their voices get stuck like that? I remember, I used to listen to like, when I was Christian, I listened to Loveline back in the day

because that was the only way I learned about sex. It was from in between Adam Carolla talking about welfare, I learned what sex was. And Dr. Drew always said that if you talk talk in a baby voice that's because you got molested as a kid so you just like freeze in time as a baby because you got fucked yeah i mean i i bet that's true yeah your dad's come as like amber around a mosquito it just freezes you in time yeah i mean i'm reading this book baby wise i'm reading this book baby wise. I'm reading this book baby wise right now. Does it say not to fuck the baby?

Yeah. Chapter one. Chapter one. It's like, God damn it. Throws the book across the room. Throws it in a big fire. With all the other parenting books I've been reading. You keep going through trying to find one that says you could fuck the baby.

You're like, Katie, I found this great book, by the way. You keep going through trying to find one that says you could fuck the baby. You're like, Katie, I found this great book, by the way. You should check it out. Slide it across the table. Yeah, it's written by Ben Shapiro. I've been reading this book called Babywise, which is the best one I've read so far because all the other books about raising a baby are like, you know, don't smoke cigarettes. It's just stuff like that.

Don't put it in the oven. Don't spit on the baby. Yep. All weird shit. Yeah. Don't spin it like a top. Yeah. Don't wrap a cord around it like a Beyblade and then pull it.

Yeah. And then let it spin around one of those things at the mall you put pennies in don't hold it by the back of its neck like a puppy walking around the house yeah don't pick it up like a like a stray cat yeah don't use it as a rolling pin to like make dough flat yeah don't let it lick things that are hot right or on fire it can't breathe underwater it's like you you know don't don't feed it dirt and rocks yeah you know it is a human did uh i'm realizing how i'm realizing how fucked up we are oh yeah because i'm well i'm trying to learn what to do i think it's not to interrupt you i think the moment

your daughter is born your entire ego is gonna break open and you're gonna cry for like three days like three months straight i'm not gonna do that yeah it's gonna happen it's a really it's a religious experience they say i heard you get to know who they are and you know what they do to babies they suck them off and give them herpes i heard you uh uh you get to touch the dog. Like the head's coming out of the pussy. And apparently that can take like months where the head's just stuck in the pussy. It's like a will they, won't they thing. And the doctor.

You're just on the bus, the head sticking out of your pussy. Yeah. She still has to go back to work. Yeah. Because we need healthcare. Yeah. Katie's at Ralph's. You're at home playing video games.

Baby's hanging out of her pussy. Like halfway. Yeah. Yeah, Katie's at Ralph's. You're at home playing video games. Baby's hanging out of her pussy. Like halfway. Yeah. Yeah. She looks like the king on a deck of cards. Yeah, it's growing out of her like a turnip. Yeah. But the head will come out and I guess apparently the doctor will turn to you and be like, you

want to put your hand on it like before the head's out so like your wife's pussy that's just it's the size of like a carnival tent and then you could just put your hand up to it and touch the head and apparently you start crying yeah like it's a buffalo or something but if you haven't do that i'm gonna be like no it's fucking disgusting weird what are you talking about yeah i'm not doing it in front of you either it's like a weird sexual act like you weird. What are you talking about? Yeah, I'm not doing it in front of you either. It's like a weird sexual act. You're using your baby as a dildo to fuck your wife in front of the doctor.

It's disgusting. I'm going to turn to the doctor and be like, what are you, gay? Get out of here. Get out of the room. What are you even doing in here? Yeah, what are you doing? I got it from here. You didn't get it out.

You just turned my baby into a big dildo. You're trying to fuck my wife with my child? Fuck you, pal. What if I walk in there and the baby's halfway out and I'm like, oh my God, what did you do to her? What satanic act is this? This sick fuck is shoving another baby up my wife's pussy. There's already a baby in there. You disgusting

fuck. I will see you all in court. I'll see you in court, fuckface. Now get that disgusting other baby out of my wife's pussy. And throw it out. Throw it away. You throw that black baby away.

You think it has to be someone else's baby. Actually, sir, that's just dried blood. It would be funny if the baby comes out black and I ask the doctor, I'm like, is it possible that a black baby crawled up my wife's pussy and lived inside of her womb? There's another white baby up there. I saw a nature

documentary where birds will like push eggs out of another nest and lay their egg. Is it possible that a black guy's penis pushed my cum out of my wife's pussy? You go, is it possible that I just fuck black?

Actually, yeah. They're like, actually, if you fuck really good your baby is black if you like really nice if you really beat the pussy up you have a black baby nice i chew that shit up like bubble gum yeah your baby comes out like michael clark duncan i just like dude nice sean coffee in the green wild its mouth opens and flies come out of it. It's got overalls on. And your doctor's just like,

dudes, you got a wicked stick game. Nice, dude. But I've been reading this book about parenting called Baby Wise. Sure. It's the best one so far. And I'm just... The reason I brought it up is I'm realizing how

fucked up we both are like how so well i'm reading all the things you're supposed to do for babies like so you know because i like the last thing in the world i want to do is to create someone who's like me or like or no offense like you or like jay's like i'm taking we're all horrible people did you really think we'd like stand up and get angry yeah I mean literally you don't want your baby to be like me or Jace thank Christ hateful and vindictive yeah getting success

for the first time in our life and still being pissed off at everybody and everything yeah dude literally I say? When people like comment like this was a really mean joke. I'm like, yeah, we're bad people. So we did something mean. Yeah.

Oh, shit. But yeah, I don't want my daughter to grow up to be like either of you two. Yeah. Even kind of. Yeah. I want her to grow up to be like normal and happy. Like love herself. Love herself.

Yeah. And apparently the whole thing in the book it says that uh they learn everything from the mom and dad so they base all their ideas of love and like relationships and how to like view the world based on you know if the mom and dad are like they love each other and they have fun together. Let's say I come home and my wife goes, honey, how was your day? And I go, fuck off, retard. And I go upstairs and play Skyrim. Then when she gets older, when she's like 14

and I ask her how her day was and what happened at school, she's going to go, fuck off, retard. And she's going to go upstairs and then sell pictures of her pussy on the internet. That's exactly how it is's it's even worse hopefully not to me yeah it's even worse it's not gonna be that she's going to bring a guy home and he's you're gonna be like nice to me he's gonna go fuck off retard where's your gaming station yep and you go oh my what have i done what have i done yeah i've had moments where i'm like i'm my dad right now And I'll go outside and I'll try and shake it off Like a wet dog

I'll be like He's in me He's fucking in me You try to slap it out of yourself Dude I did the age filter and I looked exactly like my dad And I just like chucked my phone Dude I put my phone in my garbage disposal I couldn't take it

Like Tony throwing away the cleaver mug? Yeah. Christopher dies. Motherfucker. We need an exorcism service for our fathers. Yeah. So we can go to a place and a priest throws holy water at us and prays over us. And we just go, ah.

We start convulsing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just this hopeless retard spirit comes out of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This hopelessly depressed, miserable, angry guy comes out. I just need to go to a fucking pastor and be like, just give me all the rattlesnakes you have. Let them bite the shit out of me.

It's the only thing that'll kill this virus. Yeah. Hit me with this skull. Do some voodoo as well. Yeah. Whatever works. I need some bone tomahawk shit to happen to me. Right.

I need 12 years of therapy compressed down to one rattlesnake. Can you do that for me i'm looking at like the car i'm looking at the cause for the first time and not just the effect yeah and like how to mitigate the effect so i'm looking at the cause and i go oh my god so this is why jace is fucked up yeah because you were the only child yes so you got way too coddled so you have more and stuff. And it explained if a child gets too much attention paid to it. And it's given like... Right. Here's what it's like. Because Jason didn't have any brothers or sisters for two years.

Oh, as a baby baby. Do you understand what I'm saying? Because after he was a baby, I never thought Jason's issue was too much attention from the parents. Immediately ignored once I came out. Immediately ignored. My issue is not, oh, he got too much love. They just loved him unconditionally. You know Jace accepts everything about himself, loves himself at every moment.

I attribute it to, it's like this. For two years, I was shooting uncut heroin. You've only ever shot stepped on shit because there was always two of us. What do you mean stepped on shit? So it was diluted. Like I got pure heroin. You got diluted heroin. No, so Jace is right about this because then I came along and my mom had to deal with both Jace and me.

So I couldn't be – not as much attention was paid to me as jace which is actually a good thing because then it i wasn't uh uh there's this type of parenting that freud apparently thought everybody should do he tried to popularize it popularize it in the 1940s and apparently it fucked everybody up where he his so here's his explanation here's his philosophy is that being and this is so retarded he is such a fucking horny retard his theory is that it's such a traumatic thing when you're born when you're ripped out of the womb that you meet your first experience is massive ptsd that you'll never recover from so the only way to help a child get over that is the mom needs to act like she's the womb for the next two years sleep like next to the baby at all times always be nursing constantly even if

it just ate uh always be with it do like be a just a helicopter parent 24 7 never let it out of your sight even for a second right if it's crying's crying, pick it up. Give it whatever it wants. And this is supposed to help. And then that totally didn't help people at all. And then I realized the effects of that is it creates someone with a lot of anxiety. And then I realized that since I was lucky enough to be born second, I was immediately, I wasn't, not as much attention was paid to me. And then my sister came along and then I immediately was just ignored completely.

So then I had to become more independent. So then, but this is, but this is also not good because then I'm ignored. Yeah. But then, so then I see how we both got fucked up in different ways, basically. Yeah. And then the youngest. What was that? Did your Siri call you a pussy yeah faggot Siri goes shut up bitch Siri goes oh it's your phone your phone Siri keeps going off yeah

cringe fag yeah wait Katie just said I'm leaving sorry um but now I'm finally looking at the causes and i'm going huh and i'm going yeah not to be like all you know like uh you know self-grandizing but you know that meme of that soldier standing like in front of the baby and the tipos and all the knives are hitting him like that was me when we were growing up yeah so jace got to be jace was the you know you know that scene in glory where they all they all decide to run in on the horseback to die? That was Jace. And then I walked in and I was like, I won. I was like, I won the battle.

What a country we have here. And then I went and got all the pussy. My childhood was, I was the guy off the boat at D-Day in the first wave. My childhood was the gate goes down, I i'm like all my hopes and dreams and my head blows back yeah and i'm i'm caught in half with machine gun fire and i'm just a pair of legs sticking up for like five seconds and then the legs you're severed by

one giant bullet you're like fitzway you're like ah this beach is fucking beautiful i'm like going for a swim picking up sand dollars and shit by the time they got to like our youngest brother it was like you know it was like the 70s and a resort was built on normandy you know drinking like a pina colada you know yeah i mean that's just uh that's i mean that's that's traditionally what happens like the oldest is the most fucked up, and then, like, down the line. But regardless, they say it all starts at home. So the way to make a happy baby is to actually be a happy, not a great dad or not be a great mother, but to be a happy unit. Because that's their interface, like, for the world.

Well, you guys have two siblings, right? Yeah. Yeah, we're a family of four. So you guys kind of, because of the- Six, well, yeah. The added- I don't cat mom. The added siblings.

Well, they're not your siblings. You guys are kind of both middle childs, in a way. Like, my mom was the middle child, totally ignored. First child, they're like, yay! Then they had another girl, and they're like, all right. And then they had a boy, and then it all went to the boys. That's interesting, yeah. That's why you guys are both funny and're like, all right. And then they had a boy and then it all went to the boy. That's interesting. Yeah.

So that's why you guys are like both funny and kind of, you know, you're just like you're just behind in Jace's fucked upness. Yeah. Yeah. You're just like a few years behind. Yeah. But I'm on. I got to tell you, I'm on Wellbutrin. I don't feel a goddamn thing anymore.

You know what? I literally go home from recording. I just sit in my apartment, stare at the wall for six days. No thoughts. Just come back here. I'm like, stare at the wall for six days. No thoughts. Just come back here. I'm like, man, I had a crazy week. You're Philip Schumer Hoffman in happiness now. Yeah.

You're turning into a Todd Salon. No, you might as well put me, when we're not recording, you might as well put me in a violin case and just set me aside. And then when it's time to pull me out again. Just give you a little packet of M&Ms and then shut it. It's called Welbutrin, Walter. It's called Welbutrin, Walter. It's called Welbutrin. It's going to make you really horny for two weeks, but you don't think anymore.

Our whole family, it's a bunch of middle children. That's interesting. Yeah. Where we think everybody's out to get us and no one appreciates us. And everybody's also right, but being gaslit at the same time. And it's a bunch of people as we all need the same thing so no one can give it to each other so it's a bunch of people that are missing the same piece yeah and they can't help each other i think you're misunderstanding me a little

not to be too good we're getting very gay this is the gay episode but mine was more like, you're the only good kid. You're our only shot. If you fuck up anything, it's all for nothing. So then you approach every situation in life like you're diffusing a bomb. Yeah. You know? Going to the store is like you're putting on a Hurt Locker suit because if you fuck it up. And then I was weirdly seen as like this Luciferian character. Yeah.

Where they're like, yeah, Ben, you're our one kid who's for sure going to hell and we hope you don't. So you didn't get attention. I'm walking around like, you know, like I'm running. I'm walking around like fucking Ron DeSantis going like, hi, hey, how's it going?

I need everybody to like me. How's it going? Vote for me. Vote for me for good child. Love me. And you're walking around like Ted Kizintse like blowing up

like cars and shit just so people will pay attention Ben's just cackling in the other room you're like Benicio del Toro in the hunted you're just in the woods

like setting booby traps and shit yeah dude for years I like I didn't understand why people were like sad about things I didn't understand

why people cared about things for years I never did I kind of still don't actually no no everywhere we're all aware of that sad about things. I didn't understand why people cared about things for years. I never did. I kind of still don't, actually. No, we're very aware. You don't. We're all aware of that. We're very aware. You do the same

eyes that she does when somebody tells you about a tragedy. You go, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. No, I'm aware. There you go. Yeah, you guys are fucked up. Not me. I'm normal now. And I'm not going to fuck up my daughter here's the thing i'm reading all the right books and i took i took a pill that turns me into ben so i'm fine i think my relationship with katie may save it all though

because if you just see that i love her and have a great time with her and we have fun together and have have a lot of fun you're gonna be that then she's... You're gonna be a great dad. You don't do anything weird. You're just a weirdo with us, with your friends and comedy and stuff. What if I drop her down an elevator shaft? Well, you do have to watch it. You do trip a lot. You don't have to be careful.

You are a walking three-suit character. You do act... I thought you've had ALS for like a decade. Yeah, you walk like Michael J. Fox. That golf match we posted on Patreon, people were like, Jesus, they always said he walked fucked up, but holy shit.

There's some clips of me, I'm walking like Pinocchio. I didn't even know I walked like that, really. I know, you're like a marionette. It's like a marionette controlled by a guy with the ALS. Just shaking all over the yes yeah i can't even touch my knees yeah it's pretty brutal well there's an added element because you're funny of irony to it you've almost let humor you love comedy so much you've kind of let it take you over so like the way you celebrate it's always very cringeworthy but hilarious because

it's kind of on purpose yeah you're like when so yeah when bradley cooper played the elephant man for you and he fucked up his jaw permanently you're like the same yeah the guy i'm doing it ironically but there also is that much joy within me that i have to let out you do have to have a joy an ironic tool but yeah there'll be a period of time when your daughter's like 15 and she you know you're celebrating her volleyball match or whatever and she's like oh and like you're you know it's so great oh retarded you're you're celebrating her volleyball match or whatever. And she's like, Oh, and like, you know, it's so great. Oh, retarded. You're,

you're, you're being loving and supportive, but she just looks over and she sees you go. She's like, God, my, my dad. And she has to tell her friends like he's an irony,

bro. Like she's like, my dad, he's a fucking retarded podcast. Irony, bro. She's like, my dad,

he has autism. I'm sorry, but it's like forced autism. He's kind of like, you dad, he has autism. I'm sorry. But it's like forced autism. He's kind of like, you know. Yeah, like he gave himself autism through method acting. Yeah, he kind of leaned into it. He's really a brilliant guy. He's actually written like 10 books.

He's kind of like how we don't know if Andy Kaufman's really dead anymore. But for autism. Yeah. It's got to be great. I'm excited. Yeah, it's literally just like if the kid spills a glass of milk, you don't go, God, fuck your dad. Like that's it.

That's it. Yeah. That anger, that you never want to have tension, passive aggression. That'll weigh on a child like a stormy day. Like that, you know, just that weird, like oppressive vibe in the house where you're like am i allowed to turn the tv on or will my dad throw a rock through the window like because he knew a big rock this bro yeah there's so many bad dads and moms where you go and like you finally meet your friend's dad and you're just like you're all like having a good time and all of a sudden like

literally like a dog knocks over a chair he's like god fuck yep and he like grabs the dog way too hard by the neck and the dog like yelps the chair is fine it's just on its side right now and he grabs the dog the dog like pisses itself a little bit yeah and then like he's like get the fuck out of here he like shoves it into like the glass door and you're like oh that's why my friend needs like women to step on his balls. Yeah. When he comes. You have to separate your day from your children's lives, the family like life. You know, like my dad would come home if he had a bad day.

It's all our bad day, I guess. Yeah, that's right. One of those. You have to be mature enough to be like, that's my life outside of this house. And when I come back in, oh, I have a loving family. And I'm going to bring my stress into this. Yeah, my child is not Dr. Melfi. I don't pay my child to listen to my problems all day.

See, I'd rather have a narcissist dad where he comes home, he just pretends you're not there. The egocentric thing, that sucks of like, I had a bad day, so now everybody has a bad day. Everybody get on the floor, we'll all throw a tantrum like this. Just the type of weird passive aggressive huff that make you feel cells die in your body

when your dad does it. My dad used to do this like, like a growl, and I could feel cancer. I'd be like, oh yeah, I wonder where it's gonna be. Oh, one of my kidneys just died forever. Can't use it anymore. Yeah, I mean, just that vibe where, you know,

all the kids are having fun, and then the mom walks through the door, and it's like the fun got sucked out of the fucking room. Yeah. It's like you're on an airplane, and somebody opened a window and just, and you're in like a vacuum now.

Also be very careful about even when you are, when they're doing something wrong or not even that, if they're just annoying or you're trying to, you do that father thing, yelling their name a certain way

will stay with them for the rest of their life. Like when you go, George Floyd Avery. Sorry, what were you going to say? No, just like that, like, like, like, the rest of their life. When you go, George Floyd Avery. Sorry, what were you gonna say, Devon? No, just like that, like, Devon, Devon! Like that, like, you know, from another room

about something you left out or something, that, you'll just be like, oh my God. So then you'll associate your own existence with an evil scream. My name hurts my brain. My is is nails to a chalkboard yeah if i hear my full name i know i'm about to get whipped yeah yeah you're gonna be a great father katie's gonna be a fucking great it would just suck if i raised her and i did all this work and then she just hated me and then you like you go to bed every night and you go that lady over there hates my guts well that's the

thing is because you have a daughter she will for a certain period of time. Oh, no, she's not going to hate you. She's going to hate Katie, actually. She's going to love you. Right. Because it's going to hurt my feelings and I'll give her everything she wants. So she resents my wife, who's a bitch. So you're going to raise a cunt of a woman.

Nice. If you're a good dad. She's going to have failed relationships just because she's going to find really weak men. She can walk all over. She can walk over and she's comparing them to you this because she's going to find really weak men that she can walk all over. That she can walk over and she's comparing them to you this whole time. But not even you, like an idea of you

that doesn't even exist for real. Yeah. If dads are good enough and handle it well enough, you just fail upwards. Yeah. Katie will start resenting you. Like I did all the work

and she just loves Ben more than me right now because she's like 15 and being like a bit of a bitch about everything. Yeah. It'll be fun. I want to trick her into liking stuff I like, but I don't want to fuck her up. You know what I mean? I want to watch Lars von Trier's movies with my four-year-old daughter. No, no, no. I want to watch Nymphomaniac with my young daughter, but I don't want her to grow up to do all the things in the movie.

If you do that, I'll call CPS on you. If you do that, I'm really going to have a big problem with that. Then we'll just watch the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. My dad tried to take me to Apocalypse Now. He tried to take me to Apocalypse Now, the redux, when I was like eight. Oh, great. So the four-hour long version. The four-hour long one when I was like eight years old

and my mom ran into the street like Skylar White when Walter stole the baby. And she like got on her knees and like got in front of the car. And my dad was like, you know, there was a big fight in the street. You don't want that. Yeah. No, it's kind of a similar thing. Our dad, I think we've talked about this.

Our dad was like at Blockbuster. He's like trying to get a movie for us. We're like, I think we were five and three and he saw a child's play the chucky the doll movie he's like i got child right on the title and play it must be fun it must be fun must be a wild rob no ignoring a doll holding a knife and a gun on the cover is he like holding a knife to like a like in a lady's ear i don't even want to look the cover up because i don't want to actually know what he ignored. I've never rewatched that movie, by the way. I'm still terrified.

Literally walked to the home and he's like, hey, I found a movie. Just chucked it at our foreheads. And we put it on. We watched the whole movie by ourselves. And literally, I'd be six and I'd go to my grandma's house and she has $300 because she was mentally insane. And then I would just be shaking in fear around the doll. We had to sleep around the dolls. Yeah. We had nightmares sleep around the dolls yeah we had 300 dolls in a room and on top of that

we had hell uh like the idea of like we're gonna die and go to hell and and then like did any i thought any doll could just if someone left the room and i was left alone with the doll would just it was gonna kill me and send me to hell i thought it was possessed i thought actually chucky the doll was possessed by the devil. That's why to this day I fuck dolls. I spend $6,000 a year buying a new doll.

Dude, I will, by the way, because of that, I'll never, ever, and I don't want to eat my words later, but I'll never fuck a sex doll.

That's where I draw the line. You're going to eat crow on that one. Yeah. It's going to be three years from now. Just because I said that. Yeah, fucking a sex doll on the podcast.

There'll come a day. You've replaced... There will come. Oh, a rain will come. And wash away your yearning for human women. Katie will have left you and you've replaced her with a doll sculpted to look exactly like her that you call her. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. A little speaker box in her that she says, here you go. Yeah. Ooh-woo. Ooh-woo. You order Postmates, you pretend she cooked it. You know. Ooh-woo.

It'll be fun to have a human life that tracks the progression of our podcast. That's fun. That you're having it like a year into us starting this. So like, you know, if we somehow get like 14 years in, you know, you're like, yeah, she hates me right now. And I'm like, man, are we 14 years into the podcast? Yeah. Or people can be like, man, remember how much Funnier they were That first year Before the kids

Started coming And they just started Being like No I mean When you create life When you actually Create it We become the worst

Yeah Comedy people of all time Yeah She's like going to see A movie with her friends And Jason and I Are walking in Like yeah that rape rant

Why do they hate it so much She's like rolling her eyes, walks out. And we're like, hello, little George. How are you? Hello, recoils. What's up with that fucking bitch? Fuck her. She's right by me.

Fuck that bitch. Dude, bitch. Dude, bitch, your daughter's a cunt. She can't date any boy because they all listen to our show. She's disgusted. Yeah. Guys are just going to date my daughter so they can meet me.

Yeah. So they can have dinner with Mr. Avery. There's going to be a bunch of hunchbacks that look like Ned Flanders. And they go, yeah, they finally meet you. They go, Mr. Avery, it is an honor, sir.

They salute you. Based in Red Pilt Army, sir! At that point, my posture is that of a sapling. Like a small tree. Yeah, you look like a coma victim who hasn't used their body in 20 years. All your tendons have fucking almost snapped. They're so tight. Your tendons look like a fucking violin.

Yeah. But yeah, they would just be eating. they'd be cutting into chicken at dinner and sitting next to my daughter and they just look up they're like um so devon's trans rant uh from episode i'm sure you remember episode uh 32 right i listened to the archives yeah I was listening to the archives. How do you think the show changed after Jace killed himself in 2030? I love, by the way, I tried to kill myself so much that the fans actually think I'm going to do it. Everybody's really worried about you.

Everybody's being really nice to me. I kind of love it. Which was my plan all along. I played them like a fiddle. You walked into my web of saying I'm going to kill myself. Now you're all Jace's mommy. Congratulations.

I'm like the audience's shitty boyfriend where I go, if I have to do the laundry, I'm going to fucking kill myself. I'm going to fucking kill myself. If you fucking leave, I'm going to kill myself. You bitch.

Did we ever tell a story about the time you told mom you were on antidepressants? We don't have to tell that story, though. No, we can tell it. What are we at right now? 49. Okay. Yeah, it was my mom. Chase was like, this is about an hour long.

All right, all right. It's going to be three hours. Chase lights a cigarette and puts it in an ashtray. He goes, all right, when it's gonna be three hours jace lights a cigarette and puts it in an ashtray he goes all right when that's burned out yeah make me stop talking i turn into the beginning of super eight i go when we have the coffee and then i smoke the cigarette then i'll tell you about my mom being weird about me being on antidepressants no i was i was i was in college and i was like 20 and that was like the only time i was like really gonna kill myself like kept, like I remember I'd be in class at like school and I'd be in an accounting class and I'd look over at the window and I'm like, God, that fuck. I can go through it.

It'd slice my neck, hit the pavement. That'd be great. Chef's kiss. I'm like, yeah. Like when you're actually going like, so how should I kill myself? It weighs. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, you're like flipping a coin around your kn like, so how should I kill myself? In a ways. Yeah, you're like flipping a coin around your knuckles. Like, how will I do it?

How would I do the deed? No, I was literally like, I stopped taking a class because it was like on the fourth floor of a building and I just like stopped going. Really? You were afraid you would actually? So I finally started going to therapy and they put me on a-

I was pretty obsessed with killing myself for a while, too. I don't think I ever told Jace that. Yeah. Did you guys ever actually, actually get close to doing it? Did Siri turn on again? What the hell is with Siri today? It's this stupid green light behind the sign. It keeps going off.

I'm just going to unplug it because it's gay. Okay. By the way, I bought some... Thank you, Yarmules. It's a great sign. Oh, it is. I bought some lemon... It's my light. I bought some lemons to hang up in here, Yarmules. It's a great sign. Oh, it is. I bought some lemon. It's my light.

I bought some lemons to hang up in here, by the way. Some actual lemons? Yeah, at Michael's. Like they're going to rot? I found these two big lemons to hang on a wall. I guess it's for like a summer decor

for a housewife who's on a lot of Valium. And one lemon has the letter N on it, and the other has the letter R. Okay. So I just bought them. Yeah, we're not playing those games. This is the same way you got distracted from killing yourself 20 years ago.

You're about to explain to God, I bought a bunch of lemons that said the N word. Yeah. And I forgot to do it. Ben's like, I got some great decor for the podcast. It's a lemon dressed up like a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Wouldn't that be great a fan send it in yeah i got it i got a derrick chauvin edited into the sopranos poster yeah dude we should make uh racist fatheads yeah you know the fathead we should have like one of chauvin

like uh every famous racist guy ever yeah mel gibson yeah you can high five i'm walking in yeah did you get the mel gibson fathead yeah you're like dude let's dog whistle the day get ready to dog whistle for money like we never say it but they know our thoughts oh they know they know it's mad libs we don't even have to fill in the blanks they know they know what sugar tits means those tits are full of diamonds. But no, so I wanted to kill myself in college. And I started going to therapy.

I literally went to therapy so I wouldn't kill myself. And it was like school. Because I was like, you know, like in Texas, it's like, you might as well just suck cock and get a truck stop to go to therapy. How fucked up is it that you waited to go to therapy until you were going to kill yourself? Oh, dude, it was so- You go, maybe I'll finally work on myself now.

Now that I'm loading the gun. Yeah, now that the bullet's in the chamber, maybe I should go to one round of therapy. Because it's literally i mean i remember telling people like i told close friends i was going to therapy and they're like people like yeah people came up to me years later like just these you know these texas cowboys and they go brother i want you to when you told me you're going to therapy inspire me to nine years later start going because i was about to kill my wife and their kids brother if it wasn't for you doing something that's totally fine and normal in most parts of the world

yeah i would end it all i was gonna reverse my flatbed over my kids heads in the driveway and pop them like watermelons you seen them instagram reels where the hippos eat the watermelon i was gonna line up my kids heads like that and pop them all. I was going to hang myself on my CrossFit gym, on my racist CrossFit gym I own because I'm a millionaire in Dallas. I was going to roll cold in the garage until I just died. I crushed up a bunch of pills And put them in my spit cup And I was about to drink it

I was going to hang myself From the flagpole But not higher than the American flag Not higher than the Nothing flies Never higher than the American flag Nothing flies higher than the American flag Not even my

The cadaver that is my dead body Not even the The McDonald's sign I stole from a From a McDonald's in shreveport on that trip they stole literally a mcdonald's sign no a flag like an actual american flag have you ever got to say they stole an actual no like when you go to mcdonald's and they have a mcdonald's flag next to the american flag yeah it is funny that they fly those at half mass when like yeah when

like steven paddock like it's yeah mcdonald's yeah yeah i love the idea of the guy that he doesn't kill himself because he realizes he can't be racist anymore i was gonna and then i just thought about them yeah he's like you just can't say anything anymore can you yeah he was gonna kill himself and then he just he looked at his when he saw a jewish guy eating a bagel he goes yeah i can't how can i hate that yeah i'm dead my preacher told me you can't be racist in heaven so that's why i didn't kill myself yeah um but yeah no so i i said i was going to therapy and i got on prozac which i hated but it like it did dude because prozac it's like the opposite.

Wellbutrin is so much better because Wellbutrin makes me want to do things and it makes me horny and not want to eat or anything. It's like speed, basically. Yeah. Fucking Prozac just turns you into a human larva. It turns you into the Matrix pod. Yeah, just looking at your eyes in the mirror. And going like, I haven't gotten hard in five months trying to jack off one night and like almost ripping your dick off because you can't you

can't even get hard talking in buffalo bill voice yeah yeah you're like you're like well i don't want to kill myself anymore but i don't want to do anything so yeah i guess that's it i needed to take it at the time it did like save my life. But I finally went and I sat my mom down. And I had this whole speech prepared. I sat her down. I go, hey, I just want to let you know I'm going to therapy. I've been struggling with some thoughts. And I go, it has nothing to do with you.

I lied. I go, it has nothing to do with you or our family or church or any other weird combination of shit which is totally totally i'm gonna say it doesn't the only thing it's about which it totally doesn't but i carry this guilt in my heart like a black furnace um so it has totally nothing to do with you i'm on prozac i don't plan to be on it forever i just want to let you know if i seem weird or like disconnected i just like wanted to let you like no like don't tell dad and she like kind of paused and she was like she's crying and she like paused and she's like she goes is it um she goes i'm really sorry is it um it's because you're gay right it almost dude it almost snapped me out of depression i go yeah i'm not fucking gay you know i was like i'm not gay i want to kill myself and she's like okay good good

she goes well the two going to hells cancel each other out yeah no she's no she's literally like okay well that's she goes oh so it's it's because you can't get any pussy no literally do the math on that she's like okay thank god my son's not gay he just wants to blow She goes oh so it's Cause you can't get any pussy No literally Do the math on that She's like okay Thank god my son's not gay He just wants to blow His fucking braids out

She's like we can send you To Dallas Get you a whore Thank god Thank god He just wants to kill himself So are you in any depressants Cause you're not good at wiping

Right She just keeps owning you Over and over Yeah Making it worse Yeah Is it because you stink Or is it cause no one likes you And you suck ass Is it because you stink?

Or is it because no one likes you? And you suck ass? Is it because you can't grow a beard yet at 20 and you really want to so you just have a goatee? I'm like, no. No. And then she told me, she goes, okay, I just want to let you know if you kill yourself, you'll go to hell.

So don't kill yourself. Which in a roundabout way is like sweet you know for her like world views but also if you're gay we will disown you and you'll go to hell as well she's like okay well if you're gay don't ever tell us man yeah did you ever get close to actually telling them i'm gay yeah oh by the way after that i told my parents i was gay like i came out of the closet fake so many times on facebook it was amazing ben would keep it was actually very funny but it was such a great troll he would fake come out on facebook that's awesome yeah in front of your whole shitty town. Yeah. He'd be on Facebook.

He's like, it's time to stop living the lie. I'm like, you were like the Kevin Spacey. And I would write crazy things like I'm moving to New Mexico. I found a guy. I'm dropping out of college. I would drink 40s in bed. And then I would just crack my fingers like this. I was like a Trumbo with like the cigarette just typing up fake coming out i was like well it's been 25 days i think i can it's time to come out again on facebook

in the funniest the funniest thing was like our fucking like uncle would call my mom like oh it's been gay and then we'd be like why does he think'm gay? Doesn't he get that's a bit? I'm like, you for real came out on Facebook. There's no wink to it. It's like written sincerely as if he actually came out of the closet. You're like Capote. You're like, I'm in a relationship with an inmate. I remember my friend told me,

he was like, yeah, this one girl in college, she's like really into you, but she said she was at a party and she thought about approaching you. But you kept walking around everybody and telling them that you're gay. And then you walk off. So she was like, I guess he's just gay. And I was like, I was laughing. I was like, she's a fucking retard.

And he goes, what? I'm like, she's like retarded. He goes, no, you. He goes, you tell people you tell everyone you're gay. Yeah. Because it makes perfect sense. I was like, oh yeah, I guess you're kind of right. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like, that's fair. Just an utter lack of respect for everyone around you. Yeah. A little fucking. I'm gay by the way. Yeah. I'm gay.

Fuck you. Fuck you, retard. That kicks ass, dude. Hell yeah. This dude a true psycho dude everyone would call my mom and my dad like 20 or 30 people and they'd finally reach out to me and they'd be like and eventually they're like can you stop doing that yeah well it's also funny because you would always like you'd post it like midnight because you were drunk yeah and then, you'd always walk it back. So it seemed like the guy who, like, got drunk and tried to kiss somebody,

he goes, I was just fucking joking, man. I'm a fucking idiot. I thought it was funny. I'm sorry. I thought you'd think I was cool. Yeah, exactly. Just Phillips and Robin and Boogie Nights. I thought you were like,

fucking idiot, fucking idiot. Yeah, just fucking Ennis Del Mar being like, I ain't no queer, by the way the way by the way i keep thinking about that the the guys we were doing a bit about the fat guy who wanted to kill his wife and kids wait what guy the guy we're doing the bit about with the mcdonald's oh yeah yeah i'm thinking about him having a psychotic break and he tries to kill his wife and kids but they're too fat kill him so he keeps like unloading like in the living room he tries to kill his wife and kids but they're too fat and he can't kill them so he keeps like unloading like in the living room he tries to kill all of them before he kills himself yeah

but it's like it's like trying to kill a rhino like the bullets just bounce off the hide yeah you need like a spear it's like taking out king kong it's like uh it's like a shank a shank in prison where you actually have to stab them 50 times so you can open up you have to open them up

and pull his guts out and tear their guts out dude I remember yeah dude I remember the first time like learning about that that that's how they shank people in prison.

Yeah. Yeah. They stab them 50 times and tear their guts out. To like make sure they're dead and shit. Yeah. Just being like, man, prison seems not great. What is that famous scene in American Me, right? Where they stab them like 400 times and throw them over the ledge.

What movie? I think it's American Me. I haven't seen it. Or Blood In, Blood Out maybe. I was thinking of that scene in Breaking Bad. In Breaking Bad, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They stab that guy 80 times and throw him over the ledge.

But there's a famous scene in one of those Cholo movies where they stab a guy. It's very cartoonish. They throw him over the ledge and he's falling. And it's slow-mo. It's great. Yeah. Yeah. I wish they would kill people like that in Buc-ee's.

By the way, if I ever did something really bad, like Paddock bad, I would do it at a Buc-ee's. What, Joe? I would like everybody listening who has one of these boring government jobs at an intelligence agency to know that. But Buc-ee's has great benefits. That is true. I don't want to fuck up their gig. Come on. I don't want to kill any workers.

Obviously. How do you know those bullets don't hit them? Come on. That's true. It's like pinball. I it would rick it's like pinball yeah i fire one bullet and it's bouncing it's like a malted milk ball they like jump in front of it try and catch with their mouth i mean the amount of knee braces the amount of knee braces in a bucky's the bullet could bounce off of yeah and ricochet they all have natural armor

yeah people yeah people in a bucky's are like they have like the brace version of like a mech suit to walk outside. Yeah, they wear the things that like construction workers wear like back braces but just to literally keep them upright. Yeah, they look like Matt Damon and Elysium. They have like a they have metal screwed into their

spine so they can like move their bodies around. DARPA is probably studying all those people. They're like, we invented something much stronger than Kevlar. Yeah.

Now. It's called high fructose corn syrup. Yeah, just soldiers. Soldiers. Hear me out. Yeah, just as it's a D-Day,

but soldiers just rolling into battle, floating on top of the ocean like beach balls. Yeah. Because the generals like they go to a Bucky's, they go, you all are going to be human meat shields. And they go, meat shields?

That sounds tasty. How much is that? I ordered a meat shield of new brown fish one time. Almost killed me. I'm in, partner. It was a full rack of ribs with a handle on it. You could hold like a Trojan shield. Before we leave here, can I promote the golf match that we did?

Yeah, sure. Go for it. Everybody, we put the golf match out on Patreon. On the $5 tier. We're going to shoot more of those soon because you guys like that so much. It's just me and Jace playing golf. We're scrambling. And then Devin's just a big spender throwing money at us.

I'm only ever going to come. I don't know how to play golf. I don't have the time to learn, really. Maybe occasionally I'll try. We're going to turn into Joe Jackson for Devin learning golf. It's just fun for me. I like standing in the sun. I like hanging out with my friends and drinking in the day.

And that's fun. It was a fun time. It was a great time. So we're going to do more of of those but i wanted to promote that yeah and we're probably gonna we we talked about we're gonna like release a lot of the patriot for like a month and then they'll go on the youtube so yeah if you're on the patreon you get them like a month early yeah yeah which is a long amount of time it's a long amount of time yeah so yeah so and then yeah we'll just we'll we have to invade the golf world you know yeah we're golf

influencers now yeah that's our new thing well i mean it's a perfect fit for us i mean it's just nothing but white people so i would love to get to a point where we're meeting like big golfers and i have literally zero clue what's going on you told you you explained it to me like 30 times in the video i got you right i don't know i'll never learn on purpose yeah you're meeting like lee trevino and you're like who's this fucking car wash who are all these old fags would it be fair to break sobriety for john daly or would that be kind of a waste well john daly's sober now oh did he get sober yeah he's always like you know oh because he has cancer yeah he has kidney it's i mean it's the funniest thing i might have talked about it

before but just him like just being being like, I drink 85 Diet Cokes a day. I smoke three packs of cigarettes. He's like, I'm here for a good time, not a long time. And then the minute he gets colon cancer, he's like, I don't know why God would do this to me. All those guys are immediate liars and pussies. He also had a titty baby immediately.

Yeah, he was a huge stricker. There was one tournament he had the shakes on the course while he was trying to hit a chip and he had to withdraw oh my god he loves hooters so much it's his favorite place i've never been to hooters actually willoughby should go it's a great place is it great i mean no it sucks ass but it's fun they have their tits or you know they have big tits yeah i don't know i don't remember we used to go in like high school because we thought like we'd all get like sucked off by our waitress. There's always this fantasy.

And then you go there and you're like, man, there's kind of a cold sadness inside this place. It's very sad. You just look at a bunch of fat guys in Dallas Cowboys jerseys thinking that they'll get laid. I know. We went to, I haven't been to a Hooters, but I've been to a Twin Peaks, which is big in the South. Twin Peaks is literally like, what if we had Hooters, but you could see their pussy lips? Because they have like short, like really short shorts too. I saw a woman's,

I saw the like out the edges of a woman's asshole. Have you ever seen a, what is it called? Tight ends? No. Dude, tight ends is insane. They're literal like hookers serving you. They have nothing on.

It's strippers. Like they're essentially naked. Yeah, yeah. They're serving you like a bacon cheeseburger. You're getting like E. coli from her pussy. I was in Dallas with Ida and we were driving by a place and I was like, it just looks like a sports bar. And there was like two women walking up and I was like, are they naked?

And then I looked it up online. I'm like, oh my God. And there's all these pictures of like fat families with their like four year old kids like taking pictures with whores. They're almost fully yeah families that are obsessed with like grooming and then they like take their exactly exactly lord forgive me i'm gonna look up these ladies look up twin tight ends that's why it's called tight end tight ends restaurant no tight ends like the football like it means their ass but type type in restaurant. Restaurant, yeah. Yeah, I went to- Just go to Google Images.

Yeah, good lord. That's nothing. That's nothing. Go to- I mean, that's- No, if you go down, these women are wearing thongs. They have too much on there. Like here?

That right there. Yeah, that's insane. That's a strip club. That's a G-string. That's insane. Now we're talking. And you're allowed to bring children and shit. Look at all the lovely ladies.

Yeah, look at all the lovely ladies. I like to think they also make the cooks, these women. Oh, so this one. There's a woman with her ass hanging out, like flipping burgers, smoking a cigarette. I mean, I'd have to log into the Instagram to see it in high def. Yeah, I mean, that's in a woman's entire asshole and cheeks.

That's insane. It's very unsanitary yeah no i went to i went to it they gotta be cold right oh i mean yeah i guess but that makes the nips hard i went to in reality i went to a twin peaks at like 8 p.m on a thursday and it was just me and my buddy who made me go and then like scattered around like seven guys in their late 60s just being like hey hon how you doing yeah and you know they come in like every night every night and they're not even there for the like titties they're there like to talk to a lady they just feel they just want to talk feel the presence of a woman that

they have not yet pushed out of their lives like their daughters and their exes yep yeah yep it's just it just makes them feel good to have somebody dress like that serve them you know uh this grits yeah cheese eggs yeah geez i mean that's that's literally porridge nachos i mean look at that and then look look someone's like yeah yeah yeah corvettes dude suck it yeah i mean this, yeah, this is like if a 14-year-old opened a restaurant. Yeah, my husband and I went for lunch. I mean, look at that. That's the bartender. Dude, you can see a shit coming out of her ass.

You can see a shit coming out of her ass and getting cut in half by her G-string like she's at a lumber mill. Jesus Christ. And that food looks like absolute dog shit. Oh, it's the worst food ever oh but I'd eat it look at that if this is my view

who cares serve me a big turd yeah Merry Christmas everybody serve me pee pee in a glass if this is if this is the view

jeez I mean that woman's literally just naked I mean all these women are dead by now these pictures are like yeah four years old half the waitresses they forget this they don't serve you because they like got a message on back page and they went and fucked a guy at a motel

i love it yeah they hand you your wing they're your wings and they have like cum on their hands it comes off with the wings every photo by the way of the food is blurry because the guys are so horny they can't yeah the guys like oh the wings were good too i guess my type two diabetes is acting up yeah i can't because of my diabetes if i get too hard i might die doctor's orders i'm not allowed to be horny all right you gotta i'm getting a little too horny now you gotta oh these are your types of ladies. Yeah. These are the women.

The women Tiger Woods threw his life away for. And, you know, like, here's the thing. Nine out of the 10 women there, they know how to deal with getting hit on and at their number, getting, you know, people asking for their number like every fucking day. But there's always that one that works there that still doesn't get it. She's a little too new. And it's banging everybody that comes in. So there is a good chance to go, you know. every fucking day, but there's always that one that works there that still doesn't get it. She's a little too new. And it's banging everybody that comes in.

So there is a good chance to go, you know? Oh, in winter, they get to cover up. Yeah, they put a beanie on in winter. I mean, these are women who ask their dads for tit jobs at 16. For their sweet 16, their dad bought them tits. Yeah. Some pretty ladies. They have golf dads whose upper bodies For their sweet 16, their dad bought them tits. Yeah. Yeah. Some pretty ladies.

Huh? They have golf dads whose upper bodies are about to explode. Yeah. They literally have to cut their magnetic arthritis bracelet off of their hand, and they bought their daughter new tits for her 16th birthday. It's for hot girls that are too stupid to know they could leave their hometown and get raped by more richer people in bigger cities. Right. We could be getting raped by the dallas cowboys right now but i you know i just i stay in south carolina let's say i stay here in shithole creek south carolina yeah i stay here in shit cunt

in shit cunt Alabama. I stayed in Frisco for the culture. This lady has huge tits. Yeah. So they get some ladies with big jumbo yum yums that go there.

Big jumbo yum yum. That feel like graphite. Yeah. They feel like number two pencils. I don't know if you've ever fucked a lady with breast implants. It feels like you're fucking the body of a car.

It should have a wrap on it. Yeah. You know if you've ever fucked a lady with breast implants. It feels like you're fucking the body of a car. Yeah. Like it should have a wrap on it. Yeah. You know if you go to this place in like Austin, you see like Lex Friedman sitting in the corner all sad, just eating wings. The waitress just won't even talk to him. Won't even take his order. He's like, you know, love is love. And Brian Redband's at the bar jacking off.

Yeah. Yeah. They're throwing him out. Brian Redband's fucking the bar jacking off. Yeah. Yeah. They're throwing him out. Brian Redband's fucking a Southwestern egg roll. Got his cock all the way in it. It's burned. Well, I hope this isn't bad for YouTube if this is a regular episode that we put on the lovely honeys. These are normal images.

They're naked. Luckily, you only flip through. Look at the bulldog with a cigar in his mouth. That is, it's like tits and it's like, dude, I'm a bulldog smoking a cigar. It's like if Spike TV ran a restaurant. Do you remember the Chive? Like in the mid 2010s? Oh, I remember the Chive.

What is the Chive? The Chive was this app. I knew a bunch of guys who downloaded it and they loved the Chive like in the mid 2010s oh i remember the chive what is the chive the chive was this app i knew a bunch of guys who downloaded it and they loved the chive and it would just be this app that loaded random cool images for them so they'd be i remember a guy going like dude check it out it's fucking sick he's like look and it was a cup of whiskey like taken like close with the background like out of focus and then he slid it and it was a lady with like tits and she's in a bra and then he slid it again it was a guy smoking a cigar with the smoke

curling around his head yeah like in it's it's it's reddit for guys who don't know they it's reddit for guys who don't know they've raped someone yeah okay well patreon.com slash lemon party uh if you want to see all those images we talked about and i'll be uploading all the photos from this uh titans yelp i'll be uploading this to our patreon because these are ours now this is our intellectual what do you think the order is in my opinion i think it goes do you think hooter i've heard that

uh hooters make some wear more stuff now they can't be as are you talking quality of food or sexy lady i'm talking like skimpiness like hori hori so like i think hooters might be like pg now i would honestly twin peaks i would prefer that because at least like i can have some imagination and it seems more like yeah oh there's just a hot lady I could have sex with not you know like a robot I literally don't understand how tight ends functions like how are the women serving them wings and how are the

men at the table not going like thanks especially when they're looking at this photo on their phone they're looking at a I'm just a bulldog that used to fly B-17s in World War II. Yeah, every guy must be so hard at this restaurant. No, like, how do they not get, like, assaulted every fucking time to bring in jalapeno poppers?

They do. I mean, it's like... I mean, it's like working at Titans is the equivalent of serving in the military as a woman. It's like... You just disappear like you work at Fort Bragg. It's like a guy watches the Thelma and Louise rape scene. He's like, what if we made a whole restaurant of that? So these guys are the DJs, but they just...

Those guys set up their own podcast. They're like strip club DJs, but they're like, we don't sound all black. They're like strip club DJs, but they're like, we don't sound all black. They're like coming to the stage, bringing jalapeno poppers to table 12, Stephanie. We got those whores with no asses. And they don't say ass, they go, nice rump. Don't stop believing. Check out the hiney on that broad that broad Oh I'll tell you

She gives me more than a feeling More than a feeling You can't picture every guy in there just going Just pounding on the table like a bunch of apes I'm about to I have to go piss myself I think this is the episode I mean we could just keep

We could keep talking about guys Wanting to fuck those ladies the whole day Or we could Hey I want to go to a new diner by the way Jace whole day. Hey, I want to go to a new diner, by the way, Jace. We'll go right now. I want to go to a new diner. Yeah, let's check it out. Well, patreon.com slash lemon party.

It's where the golf match is and all the content and whatnot. And Emma, she doesn't run around as much in the podcast because we moved to a smaller room. People have been wondering about that. They don't really run around in this room. It's because it's so tiny. Thank God. Thank God. That's been the episode. That's the end. Devin, hatewatchpod. His channel is back.

It's unbanned. Yeah, we're back. Jace, that's that. Drawings by Jace. We'll see you all next week. Bye, folks. Bye. Thank you.