lemonparty - 045: Super Size MeToo

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

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For Sugar Man, but for america yeah yeah i want to i want to hear the uh the james brown of bolivia yeah where they're like yeah so in senegal a bunch of uh fucking guitars washed off a shipping container and this tribe found them and they made some weird like funky music and over 15 years they learned how to play them and they made the greatest song of all time. Yeah. They invented slide guitar

with a coconut somehow. They invented the blues on their own. They never heard it. Yeah. John Lee Hooker of the jungle. Devin, careful.

We're recording. This might be the show. I didn't even realize that sounded that was bad. I think that's fine. Are we okay? We usually do a PG show here.

Yeah, that's true. We're a marketing friendly show. Tread lightly. That's all I'm saying. Tread lightly. I am the one who knocks. What are you going to look up now? I drive over here sometimes and I go what is Ben gonna show me today

I go what is I mean I could start off with something that's really been pissing me off today if you want me to I can I mean yes it is kind of famous last words but I say why not it gets the juices flowing

your videos are like niacin. They make my face red. It might kill us because we were golfing in 110 degree heat yesterday. Yesterday was wild. I almost blacked out on a fucking video we were shooting for golf. Oh, dude. I fucking saw this. Fuck you.

I saw you share this on Twitter and it made me upset. I said I was going to play this over and over, like outside on my speakers until my neighbors come over and kill me. The cops are going to beat your door down with a ramming thing. It's a damn shame. Oh my God. How is he worse than Macklemore? The rich man

just smiling as the rent goes to the bank while all the hens out here crying cause the check holds no weight

I'm tired of the grind I'm tired of the greed I'm tired of the dread Yo Yo This shit This shit goes though

We're here Yeah It's a damn shame What the world's Yo, this shit goes, though. Right here, right here. Dude, this is great. It's Appalachian Jake Novak. Oh, man, I love Jake Novak. Oh, man. When I was 12, my mama asked me, should I be on SNL? And I said, this check ain't hitting right.

Do the Lemon Party people know about Jake Novak? I don't think so. I know the Hatewatch people do. The Hatewatch people know. We did like four episodes of Jake Novak on Hatewatch. We did a whole lot of Jake Novak to the point where one of his friends hit me up on Twitter and was like, I've known Jake since high school and you're making jokes about him being eaten alive by people?

You're making jokes about people shooting him with arrows? This is sad. How dare you? It was like Greta Thunberg. How dare you? How dare you?

Jake's a good man who sucks. Who sucks ass. I'll remind people real quick, he's this guy. The next SNL cast member and here's why

I should be a contender Hi Lord Michaels I'm Jake Novak and I know that you're feeling the heat because your roster lost Kate, Kyle, Amy, and Pete that means you got

an open seat and I feel allowed to be feeling it cause when it comes to comedy songs I'm kinda killing it see weekly music videos I'm a jam bruh

you get it he's not as bad as that last song we played. Yeah. It's amazing to be too gay for Saturday Night Live. It's really incredible. Yeah, that's...

Wow. You're getting your ass kicked by the dancing vaccine mascots from Colbert. Yeah. Jimmy Fallon's writer's like, get out of here, queer.

You guys didn't even let this drop, by the way. Oh, sorry. My apologies. By the way, the lines in the rap song here, You should just wake up and it not be true, but it is. By the way, the lines in the rap song here, he's kind of, you feel like he is omitting the word Jew in here. It feels. Oh, you know, there's an old eight mile notebook with a lot of words crossed out of it.

Saying the rich man, like right here. Paying the rich man just smiling as the road goes to the bank the rich man you also look like you're doing fine he looks like he lives it's very nice he's like man the rich man keeps smiling while i'm at cafe de leche with mark maron and all the rest of the people at Largo. Yeah, I can barely afford my meals at Squirrel. Can't get toast that costs 14 bucks. Tell me why Sweet Green just upped their prices. Believe me, we be out in the streets. We demanding the kale salad.

Dude, we need to start unionizing against the DoorDash prices, though. It's getting insane. DoorDash is getting out of hand. It costs me 25 bucks. against the DoorDash prices, though. It's getting insane. DoorDash is getting out of hand. It costs me $25. Yeah, DoorDash is really getting out of hand. Here's the thing. I'm never going to be against what they charge because I kind of hate, even when we do it,

even when I've been hungover and I order it, which I've only just started doing here and there. Right. I feel like such a piece of shit, dude. We don't deserve this. The only time we should get delivery is when you call the place and they send some fucking acne-riddled kid with a hoodie on, and he's 16, and he's got Converse. That guy should be delivering your food.

Or like a guy from a Chinese restaurant. It's too much. Yeah, it really bums me out when a 95-year-old woman tries to make it up my steps. It's so fucked up, dude. And you don't walk down. And I ordered way too much Chick-fil-A. She can barely get up.

She's got it strapped to her back like a Sherpa on Mount Everest. And you're at the top of the steps refusing to walk one step down. I'm going to have to install one of those elderly motorized staircase elevators. Yeah, like Livia Soprano, just so you can get your fucking pizzas. That's for the delivery drive yeah from a 90 year old you know ukrainian man yeah that's what my leg was delivery

driver a guy named bang i'm not kidding i door dashed last week and the guy's name was bang asian guy nice yeah i had a google last week and then a yahoo wow right i got in my uber i went to the dentist like two days ago oh fancy big shot yeah who getting driven to get your teeth worked on doesn't even have dental insurance pays out of pocket like a fucking you know mr money paid 100 bucks for cleaning yeah mr rich man can keep his teeth in his mouth look at you oh it's a damn shame. What bands come to living in the Jew world. That guy did want to say some shit like that. Yeah, he did.

Oh, but I got in the Uber and the guy driving me was like, yeah, I'm a motorcycle influencer. He says he just started. He's up to like 12,000 followers. I was like, okay, good for you, man. He's like, yeah, I'm a motorcycle influencer. He says he just started. He's up to like 12,000 followers. I was like, oh, okay, good for you, man. He's like, yeah, I got like a Mustang.

He has like seven cars. I was like, dude, how do you have seven cars? He goes, oh, well, we're striking right now. He's some big production guy. But he said, he was like, I'm not going to lie. I really need to go back to work the pay on this job sucks and the people are that it's not the he goes the lady just before you got in the car and she was at a very elderly woman he picked her up at a ralph's

she opened the door and she goes oh my god thank thank god you're white. Jesus Christ. Then she got in. She's like, you speak English, right? Oh, thank God. The sincere racist. She's not even aware that it's a problem. She goes, oh, thank the good Lord. Oh, God.

I saw the tint and I got worried. Oh, heavens to Betsy. It's a white man. She's not even worried about crime, like getting mugged. She just hasn't said a slur in long enough. She's about to black out. Like her blood sugar's getting low. Right.

It's insulin. Oh, they got a safe space. Oh, Lord. Take me to my bank. I have a safety deposit box in my bank where I have the N word written down and the holy bible and the

King James version the King James version which sounds whiter and I go in and I unlock then I just look at it and I go man

and lock it back up yeah it is fun eventually Ryan Reynolds is gonna pick like he's gonna deliver Chick-fil-A to your door though if they keep striking.

No, Jason Sudeikis will be picking us up. The cast of Smart List is going to bring you Sweetgreen. It's so funny what's going on. They're so, I feel really bad for the production guys. Yeah. Because those guys actually have skill sets and they work hard. The only people I feel bad for are the guys with the fucking, you know, the dirty Levi's and they wake up at 5 a.m and they you know unload a truck

and get screamed at by queers but the people that you know disparaged me for years out here that uh you know got writing jobs on shows that are terrible i'm excited about i'm excited about them having to move back home yeah beat it you can't write your macaroni necklace show you can't you can't you can't work on your show where you jiggle keys on ABC. Yeah, people who look like a human bag of Skittles walking around. They dress like an art teacher who got fired for making the kids fuck each other. Not even in a pedophile way, in a like, I'm open and PC type of way. And now they get to all keep the...

It looks like they're having a great time. It looks like a big pizza party. Everyone just keeps delivering pizza. You know, get to all keep it looks like they're having a great time. It looks like a big pizza party. Everyone just keeps delivering pizza. You know, like it's like we've said it earlier, but like it's like on the waterfront or some shit. There's a guy with who there's a day player on Ted Lasso. He's marching around right now. Like he's like, you know,

Cesar Chavez. Why don't we whoever's writing the the jokes on popsicle sticks? How about they replace season five of Ted Lasso? Whoever's writing those jokes in a cage somewhere. It would be too subversive for his audience. They'd be reading Laffy Taffy,

the back of Laffy Taffy, and the guy would go like, whoa. Whoa, this is irreverent. All right. Why'd the chicken cross the road? I don't need to get existential. Don't make me think bad thoughts, just good ones. One of the studio suits comes in and he's like, we're going to need to call the guy who uh did snapple caps back in the day yeah yeah we're gonna have to call in the heavies yeah calling the guy who does who knows a lot of trivia

but not like good trivia like shitty trivia i thought it was like jokes it was on the snapple caps back in the day no it's like it's like trivia yeah well that would be better yeah it would be better it's trivia just like the did you know the bullfrog is the only frog that's gay? If you can't be funny, give me a fact. Give me a fact. Quick. Quick. At least let me learn something.

What's the tallest mountain? Go. It is great, though, because it's like, honestly, you can't have your cake and eat it, too. But maybe now we'll actually get some good TV and movies because now they have to drive Uber. They have to meet racist old white ladies. They're going to have life experiences for the first time. They're going to come back sharp as a katana. I don't think they're coming back.

Here's the thing. Their fun is up. Okay. This is why the last six, seven years we've been complaining, how come there's 80,000 shows? And all of a sudden everyone's been in a TV show which used to be a very rare thing. It used to be really hard

to get in a TV show because there was like maybe 15. Yeah. You know? I saw a commercial the other day. I knew four people in the commercial. All I do is see people I know. I'm not even kidding.

I was like, it was like I walked into Ye Rustic or something. I was like, ah shit, I know four guys here. I see commercials. I go,

he's a rapist. Yeah. I go, we all, shit, I know four guys here. I see commercials, I go, he's a rapist. Yeah. I go, we all, everyone kicked him out of the comedy scene because he was a rapist. I'm watching a commercial

and I'm like, that guy's a rapist, that guy owes me $400. Yep. Yeah. That guy's my roommate. Yeah. He didn't even tell me

he was in it. I go, that guy ran out on me at the drawing room and left me with his tab. And he's now in a fucking... Yeah, that lady blocked me on Instagram because I screamed at her

at an open mic. But yeah, I think it's going to go back to normal. I think maybe this might make TV better. It's going to be like when they make a show, they're going to be fucking making it. It needs to be good. There's only like 20 shows now. You can't have 20

thousand. That should be they should go to the bargaining table and they're like OK listen we'll pay residuals but let's kick all the all the gay guys out of the

thing. Let's kick the gay guys in the and the women with the shaved heads who suck. But we're afraid if we fire them we'll get me too.

Yeah. They don't get to make TV anymore. I will say a lot of it it's going to suck when nothing new is coming out to even make fun of and then we'll be begging him to come back because we're like yeah what do we even watch anymore. I will say a lot of it it's going to suck when nothing new is coming out to even make fun of and then we'll be begging him to come back because we're like, yeah,

what do we even watch anymore? We'll be fine. We got these guys. Yeah, we got this. We got fucking this Macklemore retard. Yeah, you know, when I was six, my mama told me I sucked ass. Yeah, when I was in the fourth grade, I thought I was cringe because I sucked ass and everybody hated me. Just guys. If they turn their side profile, their head, head the back of their heads completely flat like a piece of

paper yeah they they got flat heads as an adult not as a baby their sprains are so soft you can still move them around like a lava lamp they go on like a they put the top down in their car and their head like turns into like a cone by the end of the drive yeah well they're still making documentaries and that's all they're making documentaries are way better than most things so aaron morris is eating good everybody else can go fuck off i guess yeah hey should have hit up the internet retards huh maybe but now morgan spurlock's gonna get another shot at redemption yeah maybe he can make another show about uh you know inventing a sandwich what was his last show he really that guy i'm gonna rape a woman every day for 30 days yeah dude i was just because somebody dude somebody brought up the morgan spurlock thing because you know he did the self-cancel me too yeah he was one

of those guys it was like the first week of me too, he's like, I got some, you know, I want to write a little, you know, a little rap about this. And he wrote, it was a blog post. And I thought it was just like, yeah, I grabbed, you know, like a lady's ass or whatever. And the people are like, you'll never work again. I think the blog, I read it.

It starts off by going, there was a woman in college who thinks I raped her. And then it like goes, you're like, Jesus Christ. Didn't he say too that he participated in like locker room talk where in the office he called the secretary sugar tits? Yeah, he called, he had a secretary, he called her like big tits

all the time. He called her supersized tits. Yeah, he was always putting her pussy between two buns trying to eat it. He did the equivalent of a movie when like the gang is outside the bar and the people that they want to kill are on the inside. And one guy just comes out and waves a big white flag. He's not involved and he just gets riddled.

He was the guy inside the bar with Harvey Weinstein. All those guys. He goes, now let me just talk to him real quick. I'm sure they're sensible people. They're sensible people. They watch us and he goes, I raped everyone I ever met. They turn him into a human hole punch machine. It's a human pin cushion.

You know, Supersize Me was all bullshit. When he was going to the doctor and they were like, yeah, you're gonna die. He was, like, a brutal alcoholic the entire time they filmed Super Size Me. Yeah, because everybody does that now, right? Like, Nick Acato would have died years ago. Yeah. George World Tour would be dead. They'd all be dead. The doctors are like, well, yeah, you're

eating a lot of McDonald's, but how come your liver is failing? And he's like, oh, he's been drinking, like, bottles of Jim Beam, like, every day he's been drinking bottles of Jim Beam every day. After eating three meals worth of McDonald's. That'll hurt anybody. If you were a mukbanger and you only

did what he did for Super Size Me, you wouldn't even have a career in the business. Oh, you'd actually lose weight. You'd be the healthiest you've ever been. If Nick Acata went on the Super Size Me diet, he'd look like a mega Chad. That'd be a diet yeah but do diet you eat nothing but mcdonald's all day yeah people no it would literally be like a diet for the average american you eat nothing but mcdonald's and the commercials like guys being like i went from 650 to 595

it's for guys who have one day left to live but if they if a if a piece of spinach gets near their mouth they'll black out and just like start shooting ice cream well yeah it's like heroin addicts where you got to put them on methadone or they die you know yeah no like literally like yes crunch like cutting up a snickers bar and like snorting it yeah like it's cocaine guys that put their lipitor in a mcFlurry to eat it like a dog. They need to be tricked. I was just like licking it. Yeah.

I thought it was a Rolo. Yeah. Men that are so fat they have an owner. Yeah. There's a person who's responsible for keeping them fat.

Their personal property. They have a slave they've tricked into bringing them their fat meals. Yeah, guys who are like so, like they try to go on a diet, but it's literally just them like rolling up a piece of spinach

and then like packing it in cheese and then eating that. Well, keto's a hilarious diet for a lot of people because it's just, they start, you know, I knew a lot of guys that were like, you know, really unhealthy and they got on keto and they really didn't lose any weight on it. But they were excited to do it because you get to eat wings, blue cheese, you know, bacon, butter, eggs every morning. And it's like now your heart's just going to explode. You know, yeah.

Maybe your legs are shrinking, but your heart is growing because like it does like it will make you eat less if you like actually do it but people yeah they wake up and they put blue cheese in like a 44 ounce coke thing like and they're like but i i can't have raspberries they're like yeah like no fruit that's that's killing me i cannot have blueberry no fruit i'm not cheating today they're like what is that a sweet potato sorry I can't have it just more blue cheese for me sorry

more blue cheese and dark chocolate please I start every morning with wing stop oh me I just eat yeah I eat a dude I knew a guy

who was on keto at one of my security jobs and when we had you know they had the pizza parties to reward us for underpaying us and whipping us all that's healthcare in America yeah they were like hey I know your teeth fell out but we had you know they had the pizza parties to reward us for underpaying us and whipping us all that's health care in america yeah they were like hey i know your teeth fell

out but here's you know we got dominoes a slice of pepperoni cut way too thin because we didn't order which they give to people in prison people prisoners get people serving a hundred years get pizza parties they'll get dominoes and little caesars yeah i mean and you also get health care in prison so yeah it's better than most jobs. That's true. But this guy, he was keto. And he was like kind of fit, but like kind of fat. Like you could tell it was working, but it wasn't.

Skinny fat kind of. He lost weight, but got older at the same time. Take that from me. She's eating a piece of plastic. What is with you, retard? Every day with the plastic now. I think she took this off one of the baby toys. Jesus.

Wow. That's not a great omen. Man. Anyway. Emma just grabbing a baby toy and thrashing around. It's not a great sign. She's going to kill George Floyd Avery. Call her Derek Shelton.

She's going to lean on her neck. She's going to kneel. Yeah, Emma just went in to grab one of the dolls we have for the baby and just went. She gives your kid uh fentanyl and then and then sits on her yeah a fentanyl dollar like she's a corrupt cop trying to cover up a drug charge yeah but anyways this this kind of thick guy he went in and they had a pizza party they put the pizza down and he can only eat cheese so he took an entire pizza and he ripped the cheese off of the entire circle of pizza and then just ate it

on a plate dipping it in ranch just rolled it up like a big jawbreaker yeah like it was a big ball of gum like in a cartoon did he put it in like chaw like he was an MLB pitcher from 1929 that would have been more respectable if he was spitting the grease out into a cup.

But no, he rolled it into a ball, and then he would just pick pieces off, and he'd be like, yeah, I feel great. Some mornings I don't wake up for a while, but some days I need the electric paddle to get the heart turning over, like an old carbine engine. I know people that are on keto, and they'll be like, I go to McDonald's, I get two McDoubles and I just take the buns off and they just eat the two. You're eating meat that's like,

what even is it? But it's meat. It's just the meat and cheese. Meat and cheese. It is a fun diet to be on because it tricks you. You get to kind of eat like shit, but you do lose weight. You do lose weight. But it's got to be terrible for your insides. It's the same thing for

vegetarians too. There's tons of fat vegetarians because they can still go to McDonald's and just order English muffins and stuff and you'd just be fat as shit. Well yeah vegetarians all just eat pasta. Butter pasta. Because vegetarians they're just no

meat but they can still eat butter and eggs I think. Yeah because they can eat animal. Because vegetarians don't, they're just no meat, but they can still eat like butter and eggs, I think, right? Yeah, because they can eat animal products. Vegans don't eat any, yeah, vegans are like the people that, they pretend everyone has to change, you know, the whole party for them. But then in reality, they're just like getting double stuffed Oreos and dipping that in peanut butter, because that's fine. Yeah, anything made in a lab is, you know, vegan. Yeah, if it's made in a Petri dish, it's fine yeah yeah anything made in a lab is you know vegan yeah if it's made in a petri dish it's fine yeah i mean all the impossible burgers is just it's it's it's like coconut oil and hydrogenated vegetable oil and it's it's probably worse for you than than meat yeah probably like i can tell it's worse because i like the taste of it better than an actual burger

right yeah so you know it's not good it was actually like ground up like chickpeas and beans like yeah it tastes horrific anything i eat that makes my gut start wrapping is not good yeah beatboxing anytime i've eaten those impossible burgers yeah my gut just turns into fucking you know uh the real ro Roxanne. Those EMT guys, the guys at your work that wouldn't wake up in the morning, they probably do treat EMTs like it's fucking, it's like AAA for those guys. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they have a card.

They call 911. They're like, yeah, I'm dying again. They're like, all right, sir, what intersection are you at? You're like, I'm at the uh i'm at the fat sales on ventura boulevard and they go yeah he calls and they go hey roger how's it going they recognize the number yeah and he goes he goes yeah i got a fucking mozzarella stick stuck in my big aorta like we know we've been tracking your car. We got an EMT right behind you right now.

Yeah, you might want to call the fire department too because I'm stuck in this barbershop chair. I was getting my hair cut. I was getting my hair cut and it made my head start to bleed because my skin's so weak. Yeah, they cut my hair and it

pulled the skin off my face because i've been eating nothing but pepperonis from little caesars i'm on the keto i would love to see a big fat guy one of those beehives at a in a salon you know that the beehive oh they're like old like racist housewives used to put on? Yeah. Yeah. It was a machine that made housewives stay racist. Yeah. Yeah.

They had a haircut so their husband could shoot through the hair instead of their head. Yeah, like Olivia Soprano. Yeah. What are those rooms where you can just go in? You know how offices now, you can go in a room and just uh like just say you want to kill yourself it's it's like what it's a room for people who are suicidal at the in the workplace like can go in there like a panic it's called like a cry room or something oh have you seen these no just you know what i'm talking about well at my startup we had we had phone call rooms that was like soundproof and stuff but you could use it for that purpose i'm not sure i know

what you're talking about i'm a little confused i think i've seen things where it's like it's like a panic attack room or when you're having a panic attack it's usually at like a tech startup type of place where they have pods you can go in and you can just like scream slurs right like they didn't have any goldfish in the snack room today yeah yeah how can i mine Bitcoin when I don't have the diaper room? I only make $250,000 a year plus stock options. I'm sad. I'm dead.

And all I do all day is destroy people's livelihoods online. I started working at a new startup and they don't even have whores suck me off on Fridays. They said it's a no whore day. And they only have five ping pong tables. Yeah.

Yeah, my life sucks. I had to play ping pong today. Yeah, my life sucks. I had to go on the computer and destroy the American economy. Like I do every day. I guess my life has its perks, though. I get to buy a $9 coffee that tastes like shit You don't get it though

I live in San Francisco And a couple times throughout the year My Tesla gets broken into And my Asian girlfriend Who's the size of a Jojo bee She gets really scared sometimes I have a 3 foot tall Asian girlfriend So when I fuck her with my micro penis

it feels like it's big. I was actually doing an impression of a girl the whole time. You were doing a guy. Well fuck her too. Yeah. Fuck that

fuck that slut whore. Cause I would see I hate her more now. Yeah. Fuck your character. I would see a video that's a day in the life of working at like

Google and TikTok. Yeah. She wakes up at like 10.30 a..m there's a bunch of those videos yeah yeah wake up watered my house plants like you know had had poached eggs on some on some toes did no no work ever going on throughout the whole day no work i drove over an ecuadorian man got into the office yeah got into the office around 12 30 i had a little snack at the salad bar um then i got to uh delete a man's social security number because he failed to make payments on his on his flip-flop yeah yeah no we don't we don't uh we don't uh do the death penalty anymore we just do uh character assassinations on people. We erase them from existence. So my startup, what we do is,

so we replace realtors with the internet. What we do is we buy houses, and then we burn them down. And then when our VC money runs out, we just shut down. And then so nobody in America can live indoors anymore. Oh, my job? I light Maui on fire.

A guy with one match I get one match a year our company motto is rape the world so that's kind of like our big vision for what we do they are so hated though I'm waiting for someone to totally demolish the X building especially because Elon put this giant X on it in San Francisco.

Dude, don't talk shit about that. That was fucking sick. Yeah, that was sick as shit. Yeah, because it's so bright that people in the apartments across from that can't even see when they're asleep. It's a fucking X, dude. X! It's a sick letter.

Yeah, did you see the little app logo? It has a little, like it was folded, Mike. Yeah, like it's a little ras logo? It has a little, like it was folded much across. Yeah, like it's a little raspy. It's a little weird. Dude, I saw the new app logo, and I was like, this is kind of too scary and twisted to be on my phone. It's no longer a gay bird.

It's a sick fuck you to the world. Well, whatever. You guys can call it X if you want. I'm going to keep calling it Twitter. I like to picture X being just middle finger thrust. Fuck you, man. No, it is kind of cool now that I think about it. It's like skull and bones.

It's like we're pirates on the open seas. It's like the old internet. It's like the wild, wild west. Dude, Elon's so fucking funny and cool. He's so good at posting. He's so fucking good, dude. And then sometimes he'll respond under a Lex Friedman post where Lex Friedman friedman will be like life is beautiful and then he'll go not always and you go dude i didn't fucking think of it that way let's all go watch oliver anthony and like

have our minds blown those are those are my favorite elon post when he gets deep and introspective there was one where somebody like tweeted i mean he's like i could tell from an early age you were very intelligent and he goes i am but it's created a prison of my own mind and i wish i could turn it off sometimes jesus man and it's funny to like like he tweets that i was reading an article uh this was like a somebody found an article from long ago when he was selling PayPal, and he was driving a Bugatti around Silicon Valley, and he turned to Peter Thiel, Thiel, who's a big VC in the tech world, or he was.

And Peter Thiel goes- I think it's Thiel. Thiel? Yeah, yeah. It's just spelled very gay. Yeah. Well, I'm glad he's dead. Wait, is he dead?

I hope so. Oh, dude. I think all these guys... I don't think he's dead, though. Is he not? Maybe he is. I don't know. I dude, I think all these guys... I don't think he's dead, though. Is he not? Maybe he is. I don't know. I think he blew up in a submarine. I feel like they all die because they refuse to just take an Advil.

Yeah, they all die because they tried to download an app into their spinal column, and it killed them. Every tech guy dies like John Travolta's son. They were just like, no, no, no Tylenol. Don't give him anything. Is that how he died? John Travolta's kid died because he's a Scientologist, and they wouldn't give him anything is that how he died john travolta's kid died because they're he's a scientologist and they like wouldn't give him any meds and all he could

have been saved very easily jet right his name was jet i guess jet with two t's are you sure yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know the fucking i mean he's dead so who cares his name's soil now his name is six feet under but nonetheless his son bones travolta who gives a shit no i'm kidding but like yeah he did die because uh john travolta refused to do anything about it because of scientology yeah he's like bob marley yeah yeah bob marley did the same thing did the same thing he had on his toenail on his little toe on like the tip and they go you just gotta trim your toenail yeah and you're fine he was like no i'm, I'm just going to pray, actually. They're like, we need to take one sixteenth of an inch off the tip of your toe.

And he goes, nah, I got the weird religion that hates gay people. Can't do it, man. He's like, don't worry, man. He goes, my toenail's not the faggot. I fuck it with my big toe, man. I stick it in her pussy, man. My leg's all wet from Gracie licking it. Yeah.

Oh, Gracie. That's why. She just keeps licking my toes. Oh, enough. Gracie, stop. She has a foot fetish. God, get out of here, Tarantino. She's a sick bitch.

She's so disgusting. No, but so Peter, I would say Peter Teal. Teal, yeah. Teal, he turned to Elon Musk and he goes, what can this bad boy do? And then Elon turned to him and he goes, oh, check this shit out. And he immediately forwarded it into a barrier and almost launched them off a mountain. The article said it went like 15 feet up in the air and landed on its roof. And then he turned to Thiel and he goes, this isn't insured, by the way.

Oh, my god. Wait, so a car like went off a thing? I don't even understand. No, it hit like they were on like one of those windy roads in the mountain. He's like checked his shit out and he like pressed on the gas and immediately drove straight into a barrier that keeps you from going off the mountain. I like launched his

bugatti in the air. This is the thing, I defended him at the beginning long ago when people were shitting on him, I'm like, no, he is intelligent. He has a high IQ. The more and more I see it, he's doing cartoonishly stupid things. No, it goes to show comedy rots your brain. Yeah, I guess you're right.

The yearning to be funny and want to be cool and liked is the biggest curse anybody could have. Wanting to be cool especially shut up and stick with the fucking equations idiot because you could have this awesome life you could be the most respected guy of all time but him and lex freeman are like they're shoving themselves in their own lockers for some reason yeah because they need to be like hot and funny and like fuck a lot and stuff yeah it's like don't ever talk just be really rich and

invent a robot that can suck my penis and i'll think you're a genius yeah just keep making cool shit stop i mean the the whole the fact that elon has changed anything about twitter besides like just letting people say what they want i thought that was the whole thing yeah i was excited when he bought it was like i thought he's just gonna like let people say whatever and you know free speech yeah you know if you're crazy and insane and that's over there and people everybody can be on it everyone was let back on instead he just keeps doing things keeps trying to do things you know the i mean x is like it's the worst that's like the biggest indictment of how lame he is changing the name to x yeah like literally like a retarded like 17 year old who gets into like hardcore punk music it's like god i mean how much avenged sevenfold

do you listen to i feel like yeah i bet i bet his alarm clock is the wake me up song that's how he gets out of bed and he goes i often cannot wake up yeah so i need someone to save me i've been thinking about that. I think that's why he had nine kids, by the way, just because he has no fucking friends. He's like, I'll just keep having kids until one of them. Elon has nine kids? I think he has nine children. He has a kid with Grimes.

Jesus. Yeah. Man. You know Grimes? He really is African American. Yeah, that's right. That's right. He's from South Africa, right right that's why he talks all

retarded yeah yeah yeah then he had a baby with grimes the uh all real monsters character yeah yeah he had he had a baby with like a tim burton character woman who ate like ravioli for three years and almost died yeah he pretty much just he fucked soundcloud yeah yeah it's pretty much just fucked SoundCloud. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty much all. He fucked SoundCloud. By the way, he made a song. Did he? Yeah. What's the song? Oh.

Elon Musk made a song? Yeah. When he was, I think this was maybe two years ago. What's this guy's name? MJ Hanks, though? Oh, the TikTok guy? We need to circle back to what he does for a living. He works for Evers. He works for Alex.

He's one of the programmers. I'll show you Elon's song. Elon was like making beats for a while. Dude, he's had like every phase of being a loser. I guess I'll type in I think it's an EDM song. I think it's something about vibe.

So you know it sucks. Oh yeah, Don't Doubt doubt your vibe. This is it. He made this. This is legit. Yeah, right here. Don't doubt your vibe. Oh, God. Oh, man.

Oh, I guess. I thought this was the song hold on that's when they broke the Tesla Cybertruck's window yeah I think this is him saying it too that's just him singing please think I'm cool don't be mean

to me online please be my friend cool. Don't be mean to me online. Don't doubt your life. Dude, he's going to be the first billionaire who shoots up a school. He's going to write a no like Dylan Clayball and just be like, you guys weren't nice to me and now I make you fucking pay. He's literally the guy

with the leather jacket and grandma's boy. Yes. That's like who Elon Musk is. It's unbelievable. He thinks he's literally the guy with the leather jacket and grandma's boy. Yes. That's like who Elon Musk is. It's unbelievable. He thinks he's in the Matrix. Yeah, it really sucks. Every tech guy should be killed. They've done nothing good for anyone. The biggest problem is they all think they're funny and they want to

do funny things. It's really, really annoying. And they're all unfunny. That's the whole point. You don't get to have everything. Shut up. I don't even understand if you have a billion dollars why you want to be funny what's the i don't understand what the point is yeah if i had a billion dollars i would never talk again i wouldn't say a single word to anyone i'd probably stop talking yeah i hate talking i'd hire a person to cook my food a person to have sex with me and a person to like wipe my ass and brush my teeth

and that's about it and then i would just watch tiktok on my phone until i rotted that would be i would hire people to work me out like i was in a coma and yeah that's about it yeah yeah just clean my bed sores you know just wipe me up yeah you want to pay someone to take you prisoner i'd give someone a bunch of money. I'd be like, make me your slave. Like tape me to the wall. Never let me off and just make me watch like, like mukbang videos and stuff. Never let me leave this room.

I'm going to want to leave the room, but I'd be wrong. There's nothing out there for me. I have it all now. Make me stay in here and feed me Taco Bell. Yeah. You'd old boy yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Make me stay in here and feed me Taco Bell. You'd old boy yourself.

You get so wealthy, you do eventually become a guy who's just a huge loser. It is funny, like the Bruce Wayne type of guy. Eventually you become so wealthy, you're just a retard who's just wandering around his mansion with no friends. Well, yeah, you have everything. Nobody actually likes you at all. Because if you're like a billionaire billionaire anybody who's cool is like oh he's probably he thinks i would you know be trying to make his money so i won't go talk to him and so you attract human mosquitoes around you like you're a human bug zapper but it makes the bugs stronger yeah i've been around one

of those rich tech type guys before that are very wealthy. And he surrounded himself with these like four yes men. And they all had this fraternity energy. And anything he said, they would turn and go. Like it was like an evil. It was really, really. Because I thought that was just a, I don't know, something you see in like a Christopher Guest movie or something. You're like, that isn't a real life. No, that's at the top of every food chain, I don't know, something you see in like a Christopher Guest movie or something. You're like, that doesn't, isn't a real life.

No, that's at the top of every food chain, I think. It's just a guy and no one, everyone refuses to disagree with him

that's around him. No one ever tells him no. No one ever tells him what is really going on or what they really think and they're just like fake going, you really got it today.

Yeah. Oh man. He's hired like a, like a fake beer pong party to follow him around everywhere and just go dude nice nice dude like everything you do like you're like you get animal crackers because you're hungry you're like dude fucking gorillas animal crackers that's crazy and anything you want to get into that really sucks, they have to pretend they're like, dude, of course, pickleball's my favorite sport. Yeah.

All I want to do is play pickleball, actually. Yeah. Yeah, they're like, dude, you should get into jujitsu, even though you're a billionaire. You should get weird, fucked up cauliflower ears and get thrown around for no reason. Because your life is so free of struggle that you have to create it because you're about to, you know to go insane. You should create adversity for yourself. Absolutely, you should get in that rocket and blow up.

You should shoot yourself into space as much as possible. Yeah. Yeah, you should create a car that if it crashes, the people inside of it splatter like bugs. The thing is, no one tells these people no. No one told the billionaire who wanted to get on the submarine that he shouldn't do it right not a single person in his life told him he shouldn't other than his kid who begged him not to get on it and even he he got squash yeah they get what's coming to them because he goes well you know if i do this then you know i'll get a little something

on the back end right exactly yeah yeah i mean. Yeah. I mean, this kid was like, yeah, I want to go see fucking Blink-182 anyway. So, whatever. Are you talking about the cousin that... Yeah, there was another guy. There was the retarded stepkid and he ruled, but there was another much sadder. It was a real yig and yang of the... Because it was like the retarded guy who lived

and probably got some pussy from some idiot from it. And there was the other kid who was like, this seems like a really bad idea, but I want to make my dad happy because it's like the retarded guy who lived and probably got some pussy from some idiot from it. And there was the other kid who was like, this seems like a really bad idea, but I want to make my dad happy because it's Father's Day. And then he got turned into just carbon. He got turned into carbon and eaten by little fishes. We still don't know if they just killed themselves on purpose, though. That could be true.

Except I think they found the wreck and it had like sludge in it. It had like sludge with teeth in it. Yeah, they found the wreck. Yeah, they found it. That's how it was confirmed. Yeah. But I think you told me- They pulled it up from the deep.

It was like a fucking slushy cup. They had to like pour the remains in the bags. It was the stuff that's in a magic eight ball. Yeah. That blue liquid. Yeah, it looked like borscht from the deep blue sea. And just like little fucking shrimp and stuff were chewing on it.

Were there any bones i think they all just turned it i think all of them were yeah it was a jar of jelly it just turned they turned into dust yeah which is like like like the perfect way to go yeah honestly yeah you know i think they knew it was happening though which is fucked up but yeah you know i think it's pretty cool yeah that's what that's what you get for taking an ipod nano to the titanic yeah taking fucking a donkey cock drum set yeah to the titanic idiot hey everybody if you're trying to make it through the summer wearing regular old boxers it's no wonder your dong and balls are a big sweaty mess what you need is sheath underwear with one pocket for your dick and a separate pocket for your balls.

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Crush to death by a submarine. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I don't know. I can't afford it. I can't afford to die that way. I don't think about it much. Hopefully, it's just, you know, surrounded by my loved ones. Yeah, I think I'd like to die a hero.

I want to see something going on that's, like, really bad, like some injustice, and I insert myself into the situation, and then I get shot in the head. Yeah. And you don't save anybody. No, no. But I don't really care in the situation if I save someone. I just want to be seen as a hero. Right.

I want to die trying to stop some teenagers from stealing deodorant at Target. And I tackle them, and they just killed me. You don't even work there. Crime is wrong. I'm just one of those guys that's really radicalized by the news. I'm like, I'm in California what they've done with the $950

11. Get out of here! And I just die over that. But they don't even shoot you. You trip running at them and you dome your head off a table. I million dollar baby myself trying to stop teenagers from stealing,

you know, like cut water from a Walmart. Yeah, they weren't even stealing. They were just black and late for something. And I was completely wrong.

Right, they were holding up a receipt as they were running out of the store. They were returning something. You're like, hey, you had it too good for too long yeah i would love to be like i think like you said bet i would love to try to be a hero but actually i think it'd be a great metaphor to try and be a hero but fuck it up like if i saw people killed yeah like exactly no literally i was gonna say like if you saw like a car flipped over it's on fire and like a kid's trying to get out and you run over and you trip and then you

hit him in the head and you both get knocked out and then he burned up yeah he could have got out you trip and fall and knock unconscious and you block the window he was trying to crawl out and he's trying to kick you he's like kicking you trying to get you out of the way but you're dead yeah because you broke your neck you die because you're like trying the one time in your life you like try to stop a fight and you just get the wrong punch to the head you hit the concrete weird and you're done yeah that'd be fun i do by the way i do go to estate sales sometimes and there's always a guy out front with a gun who's like he's like a security guard guy but he what i always look when you guys see security guards do you check their utility belt to see if it's like a real security guard or a fake one every time if i

see a belt i always look for a gun yeah if i see a belt i'm checking for a gun yeah i look for handcuffs too i look i'm like what do you are they like people i look i go they got no walkie so they don't have backup anywhere they don't they they have a gun so i'm like all right so if i pick up this mug that says welcome to hawaii for 25 cents and i walk out are you really gonna point that thing at me are you really gonna kill me are you really gonna pull the trigger there were security guards at yard sales what well estate sales state sales estate sales well i guess there's like again it's like there's there might be a painting there for like 250 and the person that owned it was dead and now their

grandson is like yeah just hired this company to solve what is that security guard allowed to do is he actually allowed to like arrest people with the cuffs or are those just like for a you know he's like i'm seeing a hooker later you know what i actually think it is with these i think i think it's up to them i think actually some of these guys just bring their own gun in their own handcuffs yeah because they're just really into the position that they they have that makes sense private security company i think i think a lot of them wear the belt honestly because it hides most of their gut they're just trying to put stuff in front of their belly when they work those jobs yeah they're like i'm running weird because of the belt not me i would have caught that teenager it's not because i'm too fat it's because of all these flashlights

i have that were impeding my running yeah they always have so many flashlights yeah like they're going spelunking that's what i said they get like 15 mag lights and they're like it now it barely looks like i'm obese now i barely look sad working this job. My favorite is when they clearly wanted to be a police officer. Oh, that's so sad. When they have the state trooper, the small soldier's haircut. Yeah. And they're just like retuned.

Yeah. They're too fat for their hat. Yeah. The little mustache. Little Richard Jules walking around. Yeah. Richard Jules is such a tragic figure to me yeah i feel bad for that guy yeah it was truly just he was fat and retarded so we decided he was a terrorist that really is it yeah if he was in shape we would have been like there's no way he could have blown all those people if you watch the movie literally

like they're like it's don draper plays the c plays the CIA guy. And he's looking at a picture of Richard Jewell. And he goes, he's so goddamn fat. I think this is our man. Yeah. He's been looking up stuff. Yeah. He's been online. I can tell his dick is dry from masturbating too much.

He jacks it dry. He doesn't use lotion. Well, you heard it here first, folks. He looks like Bob's big boy. He doesn't use lotion. Well, you heard it here first, folks. He looks like Bob's big boy. We got to arrest him. But at these estate sales, if I legitimately, if I walk out with a magnet I'm going to use for magnet fishing, that's $5. I mean, what is actually going to happen?

Yeah. Am I actually going to get killed? I see videos all the time. It's always in California because this is always a point of contention everyone makes where they're like in california you can just rob the store and just walk right out you don't even have to run and you just see people gathering up things like those old nickelodeon videos when people are running in and grabbing as much stuff as pop people are just walking out with tvs yeah that's the whole economy of the of the state now yeah

because stuff doesn't mean anything you're just walking out i don't know why in a state cell would like a guy is guarding a tapered candle with like an ak-47 it makes no sense i think it's just fear basically because that guy he'll be in court he'll have like a rough you know next couple years if he does if he pulled the trigger yeah it wouldn't just go away maybe that's he's maybe maybe he's just thinking about killing himself yeah no i mean he can't he's like maybe today's the day he's like oh this this this is for me yeah he's like no this i always leave this unclipped on the off chance someone steals my gun and kills me i don't have the balls to do it myself so you're i kind of stand too close to a teen that looks a little rough you know what little rough you're stealing something and he runs up to you with his

hip forward and the thing on bottom no stop don't you dare take this gun like yeah he kind of half tosses the gun at you he goes go turn the safety up no don't do anything

I don't have any wife or children don't do anything no one's depending on do anything. I don't have any wife or children, but don't do anything. No one's depending on me at all. I don't even have a cat. Don't do it. If I keep... Yeah, you're basically like John C. Reilly in Magnolia. You're like, I'm a fucking loser.

All I own is a cross on my wall. Yeah. And I don't even believe in God. And I'm paying down on that. I got five more payments on the cross on my wall. No. And I don't even believe in God. And I'm paying down on that. I got five more payments on the cross on my wall. No, he thinks his cross is a T. His name's Tony.

Yeah. But if I keep seeing videos of people stealing stuff constantly in California, I'm just going to start doing it. I steal all the time. But I just take a break because I read about like...

Oh, yeah. I was just going to... I was going to send gonna send that to you actually they technically are watching you and they just wait for you to get up to the right amount and then they'll arrest you so they can prosecute so they can prosecute you so they have ai in their cameras they can track you and how much you've stolen and they wait until it's like two grand yeah something like that where they could actually because like a lot of employees will be like yeah yeah we know he's stealing don't worry we'll just wait he this guy comes in here all the time once he gets over the amount then we call the cops and then they like you know prosecute him

and he's like actually in trouble that's it's literally part of like targets trade to be like don't no don't stop him yet we can't destroy his life yeah yeah give him a second but i wonder about that if you're doing it at different locations like say i'm on a road trip and i just i wander into a target that i'll never be at again you have to be nomadic i wonder if it goes back into a database and they go this is the same guy like there's no way he's been all over the country we don't have that sophisticated technology like china has that's got to be difficult yeah so if i'm in a new place i do it no if you're nomadic no we're gonna revert back to being hunter-gatherers i haven't gone back to my whole foods in a while yeah because you don't want to yeah because there's

4 000 targets you go i i dude's 4,000 days of my life. That's the next 10 years I can steal something from Target. Exactly. Every day. You buy a trailer and you just hitchhike around. Yeah. Just drive around and just steal everything you need. Yeah.

And by the end of it, you have like 4,000 televisions. Imagine going- Just like a French fur trapper. And you're like, I got this protein pack, the P3s. It's got chocolate almonds in it. He got sentenced to 25 to life for stealing a lot of native deodorant. That's all I steal is the deodorant. He stole the native deodorant because his girlfriend likes it, but it costs $48.

It was the eucalyptus mint. What have you stole from the store? Say it in the camera. I steal vitamins a lot. Because I know you steal Starbucks and by the way, since... Haven't in a while. Since Katie, my wife, loves the show. She started doing it. She hit me up.

She said she did it. And I was like, man, I'm really infecting this household. She goes, Devin's right. Fuck all these companies. I walked right into Starbucks. I just took a coffee. You're turning her into Skylar White. No, no, no. hank's hank's wife hank's wife yeah marie yeah no uh she's not gonna get in trouble for that well she can't even drink caffeine anymore because she's pregnant that's right yeah but she she still she will still one

and she'll walk outside and throw it in the street and since she's pregnant she can just do that yeah they're not gonna tackle a pregnant lady. No. Not a white pregnant lady anyway. No, not at all. They're like, oh, that's the most precious life there is. Yeah. Unborn white life. No, you could steal from Starbucks and all that. You could steal from all these restaurants with their to-go orders.

Because it's like we were talking about earlier, circling back to the whole delivery thing. I steal because I go, they don't even care about me when i walk in now they're too focused on the delivery orders for all these restaurants so i go well you know what if i have like a fucking 20 minute wait in line i'm just gonna walk over to this like little cabinet and just take one of the to-go orders you deserve to steal you've earned it i deserve it i've earned it it's it's sorry but they've fucked up yeah it's on you yeah you should you should have a gun mm-hmm and self checkout it's one for me one for you and we've said it before but yeah vitamins

vitamin am I not gonna face fucking vitamin these are for my outrageous they're for my health yeah no God will turn an eye to that because it's my health I need fish oil for my heart yeah you need to be healthy so you can steal more yeah you're getting you're getting locked up. You're like, Huberman said I needed it. This is an essential. It's an essential, really. You shouldn't have to even pay for it. 100%, man. It just comes from the earth. Magnesium,

that's from the soil. That's free, Jack. You can't sell me. Exactly. What are you selling me, dirt? I counter Sue. I go, you're selling me essentials? That's evil. That's evil. You're evil, damn it. Vitamin C. I love the idea that you walk in and you just steal the bullshit,

like multivitamin, like the stuff that doesn't even do anything. I steal like one a day. You steal one pill a day? I know. Every morning you wake up and you bring a bottle of water to Target to take your pills in the aisle and then walk out. Yeah. One pill at a time.

Like Johnny Cash. No, but if you want to get that great fucking deodorant that doesn't have the aluminum in it. I know. The native. It's like $14. It legitimately is like. Who's buying that? Yeah, it's like $20.

It's insane. Something like that. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. And it probably gives you more Alzheimer's. It's probably terrible for you somehow. What is it? Titanium? The titanium's bad

for you? The aluminum. You know what's interesting? If I wear an aluminum necklace, because when I was a child I had a Pokemon dog tag. I thought dog tags were really cool. You served in the war. The Pokemon war. You served in the retard war. It, it was a big

long chain with the bumps. You know the one? Yeah, the 2006 War of Not Getting Pussy. Yeah. And I think on one dog tag it said like, you know, Charmander Special Fort. Like it was like, I don't know what it was. I don't know where I found that.

Killed in 9-11. Falling Comrade. Yeah, it was. I don't know where I found that. Killed in 9-11. Falling comrade. Yeah, it was Squirtle, raped at Fort Hood. Head cut off, put in a bag, and buried in the desert. Never prosecuted. What's so funny is my body rejected it. I got a huge rash all around. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Really, from a necklace. So I think I was allergic to the, I guess the, would it be aluminum in the necklace? I guess. Do you ever cook with aluminum foil? Like put it, you know, something. I try not to. I don't like the taste of it. Is aluminum foil bad for you?

Because, you know, you're supposed to put it in your toaster oven. You put your food on the oven. I don't even care anymore. I don't even care anymore. Fucking kill me now. I'm not putting a frozen pizza in there. I'm going to go, oh, the aluminum foil. Fuck you. Eat this shit? Who gives a shit? Fucking kill me now. I'm not putting a frozen pizza in them. I go, ooh, you're moving a foil. Fuck you.

Eat more poison. Who gives a shit? There's no way to stop it. Not for this shit. I have a credit card in my body right now. Yeah. In my blood. So who gives a shit?

You know, they say the AirPods are killing us. The wireless. Oh, I know the AirPods are killing me. They just rule so much. Yeah, they're awesome. There's no wire. There's no way you can send music into my brain and it AirPods are killing me. They just rule so much. Yeah, they're awesome. There's no wire. There's no way you can send music into my brain and it's not killing me. Yeah. But I'm like, whatever. It's no wire.

Brain cancer would be awesome. That'd be the best cancer to get. Yeah, that's cool because maybe you get like a skill over the last nine months. Yeah, like John Travolta. Yeah. Phenomenon. Or you go crazy and kill a bunch of people. That'd be cool too.

That would be great too. You get a brain tumor. That'd be great. Charles Whitman style. You climb a clock tower and you just start having fun. Was he, he said he claimed a brain tumor?

Yeah. They found a tumor on the part of your brain that like controls aggression. Yeah. Because he was just like a normal dude and he even wrote in his diary,

he's like, I don't know why I want to kill all these people, but I guess I have to do it. It's weird that I'm a Marine and I want to kill people. Huh. Weird. Very weird.

What instilled this in me? You know what I think it was? I think it was that gosh dang rock and roll. It was. It was the doors. It was Bill Haley and his comments. That's right. Yeah, I remember you got that rash on your neck and then you got like a huge boil

on your neck like right yeah it was huge gross i had some uh weird it was funny because been so attractive now but for like the crucial like 12 to 15 he looked like quasimodo for some reason and it really completely if like if it wasn't for that i think you'd be a completely normal person yeah probably but now you have the the air of ugliness inside of you yeah as a handsome man so funny man ben would be like a total bore if that didn't happen yeah you'd be such a regular kiss the cook retard you'd be wearing aprons like you know hey guy we got the boat this weekend. We're going out to Lake Havasu. I got you wearing like a dumb apron. Kiss the cook, kids.

I'd be going to family reunions. First off, I'd be almost home. I'd be close to suicide at this point. You would have nothing. Yeah, I would go back home to Dallas and be like, gosh, dad, I just love working at State Farm. I tell you what. And I'd be like, yeah, man, the comedy thing didn't work out. I go, I need you to let me hold about 20 grand or I would be threatening to kill myself.

Jason and I would have just like, both like, you know, driven to the desert and like eating cyanide together. We would have done Thelma and Louise in a Prius. Off the side of a cliff. You guys are trying to do Thelma and Louise and the car runs out of gas before it gets to the cliff.

We have to start a GoFundMe to kill ourselves. Yeah. Saving up to buy a gun. You just have to get out of the car and push it and then run and then hop in and then it falls like really shittily off the side. We're hitchhiking and then Devin's holding a cardboard sign

that says killing ourselves. And some guy stops. He goes, ah, y'all driving off that cliff over there? Well, lucky y'all. Lucky day. I was going to kill myself too. That's as far as I'm going. It's the bottom of the cliff. He goes, one thing I got to tell you, the Priuses, they last pretty long.

They got good safety standards. You'll probably live. You guys might have to crawl out of the rubble and shoot yourselves in the head. Now, I got these big rocks with me in case we survive the crash, we can all beat each other's brains out. I'll come along with you

if you need someone to bludgeon you to death. Dude, I really want that for me. That whole life you were talking about, though, of me being like a kiss the cook apron guy. Yeah. It made me kind of really excited to think about like just start complete normality like yeah just a guy who is like slowly but surely i'm abandoning my life in a certain order the guy that has vacations planned like like 11 months in advance you know and he's and he he's he's loaded nice house his vacation is like we're going to Tempe.

We're going to Tempe, Arizona. He calls it Tempe. He calls it Tempe. He goes, and he's going there. He thinks it's exotic. That's what the locals call it. Locals call it Tempe. And I heard the hills are magical.

And he goes, I hope we don't get eaten by any coyotes. Coyotes. Yeah, your vacation is driving from Dallas to the border of Oklahoma. To stay in the Wynn Casino, but not to gamble, just to eat the buffets. And see the rip-off Siegfried and Roy show that they're doing. Honestly, it sounds great to me. If I'm smoking and eating at a buffet can't even shit on that that is well no you wouldn't even smoke you would have never smoked a

cigarette oh then fuck that I don't want somebody offer you somebody would offer you a cigarette and you go no those give you cancer and I have a great life to live for yep and you would have walked away yep you'd be wearing a you'd be married to a woman who looks like the Terminator was made for sluts yeah like a slut terminator married to a woman named kaylee lynn yeah named kaylee ranch lynn

and she's dyed her hair is so big and she's dyed it so blonde it's soaked all the juice out of her brain yeah her brain looks like the inside of a walnut all dry and crap she's the heir to the hidden valley fortune and my great granddaddy invented ranch and yeah for christmas the only the only mental strife you feel is for christmas you go to florida to visit her parents and they're like in this big castle yeah and he looks down on you for making like 250 grand and living on the outskirts of Dallas. He thinks I'm a schmuck. Yeah, he takes you fishing and you go, well, Tim, you know, we had a pretty good year too.

Some big bonuses. And then you flip the... And then you ponder what's this feeling you've never felt in your brain which is feeling bad about yourself. Yeah. Yeah, the type of like dad-in-law that you're like you know you say schmuck and he goes we don't say that language he goes that's that language that's

what they say yeah you go you go pardon my french but uh that's that you're like have a bad interaction you're like pardon my french that gas station attendant was a bit of a dummy and they go dummy they Ben, come on. You be the type of guy that says frickin' all the time. Yeah. You can't say schmuck around those people because it descends from Yiddish. They don't know what's going on. They go, nothing with Yiddish reads.

They can't hear a kh noise. They go, what'd you say? They're like raptors. They can't actually hear it. Yeah. You put that Gentile Brita filter on and shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the frick up.

Shut the frick up. Shut the front door. Shut the front door. Why don't you shut the front door? You would have a nanny in your house who came from the worst backstory you've ever heard in your life. Yes. Yeah.

She's from a country that only exists to destroy people. And she's like, yeah, my country, it sank into the ocean. I watched my grandmama drown. The country, it break in half like the Titanic ship. And then it sank to the bottom. The US military broke my island in half and it sank. And I watched my grandma drown. Juanita, that's tragic.

Well, anyway, make sure to clean the toilet bowl. Juanita, Charles III left a big fat turd inside of his ass. Could you suck that out, please, Juanita? Juanita, can you wipe Brayden's ass? Now, gosh darn it, where's my three-wood? And then every few years, every few years you accuse her of stealing, you go, Juanita, I'm missing my blue pen. Juanita, now I know none of us stole it

because we're white. You've been good to us, but my blue anchor pants that I wear to every retard festival is gone. It's gone. And you fire her. Your wife has a nervous breakdown because she's taken too much Klonopin to clean a dish. And then you hire her back two weeks later.

I really want that for myself. I really hope I get progressively dumber. I would love to, in my 50s, to basically be, I want the life that Joe Pesci and Danny Glover haven't gone fishing. Yeah. It's the definition of an oaf. Yeah. Complete oafs. People that go the wrong way on the highway, they say things like, holy smokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've never had steak before before so you bring them a meal and they go wow yeah people holy cow people you meet and you feel bad because you don't think they're real people like you meet them you go i actually think that's a background person for my life yeah yeah they don't have their own existence they're not even a real human no you like actually believe in simulation theory because of how boring this person is yeah you do meet people sometimes and you you think that god forgot to like give them a soul essentially so yeah like this weird uh you know the worms inside praying manises that make them still alive but i don't know why they act like they don't have a soul yeah they actually

don't have a soul because they feel like they already have the most soul because they they're like they're they're already very Christian and religious. They have this ego of like, I'm already set. Buddy, my treasure's up there. It's waiting for me. I say frick. Not a chance in heck

I'm going to the H-E double hockey sticks. We worship the Bible except everything Jesus ever said. So we're going up to the good place. Yep. Guys that watched, like, heard that someone at school had watched Lil' Nicky, and they were like, you can't hang out with him anymore, Charlie.

Yes, it's not. I heard they have it on VHS at their house. It's PG-13. For God's sakes, he's only 15 years old. Now, someone explain to me what's exactly funny about hell. Now, I understand that it makes sense that a Jewish man is playing the son of the devil. That I get. But he should stay in hell and be tortured for being Jewish.

He's Lil' Nicky. They should call him Lil' Jonah. Yes. Well, I do like that Adam Sandler, that Jew, is making the comedy story. No, two thumbs up. I had a big problem with Lil' Nicky. There's a scene where they shove a pineapple up Hitler's ass. Now, why is Hitler in hell?

Can we get to the root of it? No, I'm being serious. No, that's it. I'm not making a goop. Getting dragged out of a PTA meeting. What did he do wrong? What did he do wrong? Someone calmly explained to me what he did wrong. What did he do wrong? That's all I'm saying. My son's got one of

those friends with those wacky hats on. What the hell is that? What the hell? Is he going bald? In that life, you would somehow stumble on this podcast, and it would be like watching a racer head or something. Yeah. You'd be like, this is fucking...

Yeah. Maybe one day I will have... I want a life where I go... I want my best friend to be a black guy, like Danny Glover. Well, I got bad news for you. This podcast is permanent. Yeah, that never happened. Yeah, so.

Fucking burn those checks already. Your best friend might be Logic someday, but. Your best friend might be pretending to be black. You can make friends with Rachel Dolezal. I think Future still follows me on Twitter. That's cool. Well, there you go. So maybe I can hit him up and I'm like, hey, dude, I'm looking for a new identity for the

next phase of my life. Do you want to... Have you seen Gone Fishing? Yeah. Because I'm thinking I'm Joe Pesci and I'm thinking you're Danny Glover. Future just thinks you work for like a tax attorney or something. Future goes, well, you're not my kid, so I'll hang out with you. You're not my child, so yes, I'm in.

Absolutely. You're not with my child, are you? Don't bring them. I do not want to see them. But I'll get pissed when Russell Wilson is raising them for some reason. By the way, before we end here, I do want to call out that vintage drinking Voodoo Ranger. Dude, that shit sucks ass. It's 9%.

I have to pee so bad. What the hell is Voodoo Ranger? I don't know. It's retard lemonade. It's horrible. No, this is a shitty beer. Voodoo Ranger is for the retards. It sucks ass. It's for people buying scratchers and being completely fucked off and hopeless. It's one of these cool hipster beers

when IPAs took over. Yeah, it's called Sour Bastard. Yeah, Sour Bastard. It's a guy that looks he looks like a you know he he's a he was a a fighter pilot and like world war ii on the cover of the skeleton it's it's gay it's terrible it's terrible ranger that's the gayest beer it's so lame it's only i only got it because it said nine percent and i was like i only want to drink like one or two you gotta start drinking a high gravity still reserve they i believe they still have four flavors flavors that i really like i drank i probably drank more still reserve than

you i actually highly doubt you're actually right you were a fuck up yeah bed was yeah dude ben would play edward forty hands but he'd tape it to his feet also all four limbs this is the shit where you know these ipas took over man it's really so annoying like you know yeah the toughest thing took over, man. It's really so annoying. Like, you know. Yeah. The toughest thing kids see their dads do nowadays is pretend to like IPAs. Having a sup of beer.

Just the shittiest beer. Oh, dude, there's a bunch of shit in it that helped it cross the Indian Ocean. Yeah. That's why they suck. That's why they're bad. That's why it's called an India Paleo. Yeah. Because there's a bunch of, like, preservatives in it that helped it cross the Indian Ocean like in the old days. So by the time it gets across, it's why they're bad. That's why it's called an India Pale Ale? Yeah, because there's a bunch of preservatives in it that helped it cross the Indian Ocean in the old days.

So by the time it gets across, it's fermented enough? It's legitimately bad beer that we brought back in some cool hipster way or some fucking reason. Just for a graphic designer with the reddest beard you've ever seen to be like, oh, it sucks. God, I love it. Pretty much.

People who are hanging on to like brooklyn core aesthetic from 2008 yeah yeah a guy riding a penny farthing bicycle like drinking and you know no anyone buying voodoo rangers wearing like a flight of the concords yes yeah he turns to you and he goes have you heard of animal collective like he legitimately thinks obama just got elected i'm loving these black keys yeah he was yeah 2008, he got hit in the head with a brick. And he's been repeating the same day over for 15 years. And he goes, man, the knife, heartbeats. What a song.

Wild. Wild. Thinking about, I'm going to start putting this stuff called pomade in my hand. Dapper Dan. Dapper Dan. I've been reading this blog called The Art of Manliness. It's been teaching me how being racist and old is cool, actually.

I'm going to start shaving with a straight razor. I'm going to buy a straight razor, try to shave with it once, fuck my neck up, almost die. Put it away, never use it again. Where's Devin going? I gotta pee.

All right. Devin's got to take a dirty piss. Well, with that, folks, you can blame Devin going? I gotta pee. All right. Devin's gotta take a dirty piss. Well, with that, folks, you can blame Devin for the episode ending. Patreon.com slash Lemon Party for all the content.

We have golf matches on there, too. And that's where we put the live streams as well, the backlog of those. Every Wednesday at 7 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

Devin at HatewatchPod. You can follow his podcast there. And then Jace is at Sad Drawings by Jace. And we'll see you next week, folks. Goodbye. Goodbye. Субтитры создавал DimaTorzok Thank you.