lemonparty - 048: Barbershop Benny

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty https://www.hellofresh.com/50lemon use code 50lemon for 50 percent off https://www.mintmobile.com/lemon for 15 bucks a month ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I Like four cups of coffee I'm on the light wheel. Always in my face. Talking, listening. Girl, I had the best of these. You like four cups of coffee? Yeah. Like 400 milligrams of caffeine. I think like a cup of coffee is like 100. Oh, it only says 80 milligrams. Ah.

I'm crazy. All right. Wild. Allahu Akbar retards. Welcome back to the show. Allahu akbar benjamin allahu akbar that's your new soy face is prying to mecca at the start of every show yep i'm gonna go uh i'm gonna go to uh dean norris's rib shack i'm gonna get go me i'm gonna get fucked up and do some intel and try and find him, and I'll come back and tell you.

The barbecue place in Temecula, you know. Like, it's called, like, the Great Shady Retard Inn or something. Great. Yeah. He didn't even name it after, like, Breaking Bad or anything. No, it has nothing to do with Breaking Bad. It's just, like, the old Smokey's Cabin. Uncle Piggy's Fuck Hut.

Come on down and get some chocolate ribs. I want to go get fucked up with Dean Norris. I want to get fucked up in general. I want to go there and be like. You keep saying that every week. You're always like, you know what would be a great sketch is if we all got drunk and then drove into my house. He's like, I got a great idea for the live stream how could you on the next live

stream you're gonna be like if somebody donates 50 bucks i will door dash crack to the house yeah that's fair and just smoke it like hunter biden i'm white knuckling it right now yeah you're not doing good you're uh i'm actually very happy that's how bad you're doing so here's what you think you're really happy i was really depressed for like maybe three weeks and i lifted myself out of it listening to a lot of john prine and sitting in the sun yeah kind of looking off vaguely where the sun is and then i now i felt great and i've been drinking coconut water too so i'm super hydrated it's always a new scheme with you but here's the. Every week is a get happy quick scheme.

Devin, here's the thing, though. You're a strike it rich with depression guy. I found out when I'm depressed, I really want to drink. But then I found out when I feel really, really good, I get manic and I also want to drink. So I need something to stay in the middle so then i'm not like white knuckling like everything just do like like 4.2 beers yeah oh that's interesting yeah you know how they make joints like weed that's like really like cbd where there's just a little bit of weed i need to have like a like a beer that's like a one percent like the med the Modelo Oros? They're like 3.5. They're skinny.

They feel like the women's cigarettes. I like that. I could drink maybe 40 of them a night. I drink those when I'm hungover and I'm trying to hydrate. You call that water? That's water to me. That's Gatorade for me. Yeah, I call it soapy water.

You put liquid IV in one of those. What are they called? Modelo. Like Modelo Oro or something. Ooh. They are a delight. La cucaracha. La cucaracha.

Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. It's for gay cholos. Ooh. You're stirring athletic greens into a Modelo Oro. You're going like, I'm like Huberman. This is a salad, baby. Ooh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. They're great. They're great.'re great the medellos the medello i bet they are i do like that they are i do like the idea of you trying to find cbd beer to drink like walking into a dispensary like it's a smoke shop and being like yeah is there like a like a strain that makes me not want to drive and hit my wife. Like, is that IPA? Yeah, Indica, you piss yourself. Sativa, you shit yourself. That's the difference between the two.

Yeah, you're like, I'm looking for like a shart beer, you know, where I just spray a little bit of diarrhea on my diaper I wear. I've thought about getting back into weed, which I haven't ventured into weed in like, I don't know, 13 years or something. Yeah, that's great. Give yourself schizophrenia. Yeah, because you, I honestly, were you smoking weed out here at all?

Not really. Not really. Sometimes I get really drunk and I would smoke and I would get like the perfect amount of crossed. But if I smoked, the last time I uh i ate a like a weed chocolate bar remember when we were living in east hollywood in that shithole yeah of course i remember that was that place sucked out yeah place fucking sucked i hope it was like it was like we were in a ship surrounded by trans hookers we lived dude we lived in the trans hooker capital of la

and you just see like it was like the shark and jog, just like Michael Clark, Duncan and a wig walking down the street. You did. You lived in Tangerine. Yeah. Pretty literally. Yeah. Literally. When I watch Tangerine,

I'm like, that's I'm there in the window. That's me. Oh, I'm getting my dick sucked by that trans hooker. That's me getting a trans hooker. If you went to the gas station on Vermont right there, late at night,

you would have to like, it was like a football player in practice when he's running through all those pads yeah it's just it was just like transgender penis and you just you gotta lower and you just run through them yeah i remember they would say things like uh suck dick 15 50 dollars suck dick yeah as they're standing next to the guy who's clearly also on crack who owns the gas station because they smoke him out and in exchange of them smoking out the weird vaguely korean vaguely mexican vaguely salvadorian guy behind the counter that he lets them stay there and then solicit all the customers so they can

suck off people yeah yeah it's beautiful it's a great ecosystem it's like uh symbiotic yeah it's like a snail that lives on a shark's back and cleans the bugs off of it. Exactly. You're like, oh, they're friends. They benefit from one another. It's a clownfish and an anemone or whatever. It's the same way we domesticated dogs. Yeah.

You're talking about domesticating trans people? I'm talking about- Turning them into women? I'm talking about weird, vaguely Indian guys who own gas stations and transgender hookers. Yes. Yeah. It's like when a coyote can go hunting with a badger. Yeah.

And then when something goes down a hole, a coyote can't go down. The badger goes down, sniffs it out, the coyote kills it, and then shares the food. Right, right, right. There's one Indian guy who got too close to the fire of trans hookers. And then slowly they... 20,000 years ago? then slowly 20,000 years ago 20,000 years ago and now we have them going

listen the customer buy a lot of honey buns so I let them get their weird cheeks clapped yeah well we were living over there and can I say one thing before I cut you off it was also very funny because it was right nick we lived across the street from a cafe 50s yeah i remember

that which is if you if you're not in la there's like a string of them they're like 50s themed like rocka billy diners so you could go in there and you know like get a milkshake and be like oh i'm listening to sugar sugar by the archies and then you walk outside it's like a freak of the 21st century yeah so it felt like you were in, what's that Brendan Fraser movie, Blast from the Past? It felt like you were doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you walked out of a Bill Haley and the Comet show and there was a guy who looked like Ray Lewis being like, I'll suck your fucking dick. Yeah. I'll suck your dick

till you kill yourself. It's Pleasantville. It's black and white inside the diner. You walk outside, color comes back. It was people that looked like, it was like Wild Wild West.

You know, like weird mech, like spider suits and stuff. There's a guy with his entire lower half missing in a big... A guy carrying a head in a jar. Yeah. An old southern guy with a bell, like a horn coming out of his ear

so he can hear. Okay, very good. job gracie this is two weeks in a row literally you threatening our livelihood so that's great can you reach it devon you stupid fucked up retarded dog sometimes it is the computer's fault but then sometimes it's it's gracie's yeah yeah she rips it out you're recording on the backup i I'm assuming, of course. Yeah, I got it right here. Yeah, this is two weeks in a row where Gracie has literally got her fat ass and pulled the plug out of the goddamn wall. Your ass is... It's the iSpice ass.

Dude, yeah. I don't even think she walks through it and knocks it out. I think her ass cheeks, her fat, retarded ass cheeks grab the wire and then pull it. Fat, retarded ass. Pull it out of the goddamn wall. I think Gracie is Ice Spice's mom. Yeah. Every morning you feed Gracie the munchkin drink or whatever

they call it. I think they call it the retard drink. The retard drink at Dunkin Donuts. Oh yeah. I forgot about the Dunkin Donuts Ice Spice drink. Yeah. It's just drool with sugar. They're like. Yeah. Yeah. There's like the little rubber bands that go on top of braces. Those are in there.

Full of corn nuts that a middle schooler ate. Yeah, pieces of floss. Yeah. They're like, we inject this into I Spice's ass every day. It's got donut holes floating around in it. Yeah, I remember when we lived in east hollywood i think the last time i got high i thought i can remember because i definitely probably smoked when i was insanely fucked up many times time i can remember i ate a chocolate bar that had weed in it oh i

remember that chocolate bar yeah i remember uh talking to our friend kevin outside on the porch and i remember like he was trying to talk to me about something. And I remember kind of shaking. And I remember I said I had to go to bed. Can we just kill them? I know. Please. They're barking at my pregnant wife.

No worries. They're just jumping on my pregnant wife and knocking her down. They're just nipping at her belly I kind of I joked with you the other day And then sorry we'll get back to it I joked with you the other day that The dogs are like competing on which one needs to get put down

When the baby is born They both want to die That's why Gracie's going in and like Ripping up everything that looks like a baby to shreds Yeah And then kind of staring at you like please just put it right in my head like that's why Gracie's going in and like ripping up everything that looks like a baby to shreds. Yeah. And then kind of staring at you like, please just put it right in my head. Put it right in my brain.

Yeah, exactly. I remember going to bed next to my wife. I had to wake up at like six in the morning and I was turned around and I remember I couldn't stop shaking like this. From the weed? From the weed. For whatever reason, I was so anxious. I couldn't stop shaking like this. From the weed? From the weed for whatever reason. I was so anxious I couldn't stop vibrating. Yeah.

And I convinced myself at some point in the night that I had blacked out and I got a knife from the kitchen. I had stabbed my wife like 50 times in the chest and killed her and cut off her head. And I was convinced I was laying in a pool of her own blood in the bed and I was covered in blood off her head and i was i was convinced i was laying in a pool of her own blood in the bed and i was covered in blood okay just stick to bird watching yeah i love you being like i think i can handle me you are depressed though because today you told me you were thinking about knitting your own shirts not knitting i said sewing i'm thinking about getting into i can't find a damn shirt that fits the way I want, damn it. I gotta tell you, sewing is actually worse somehow.

It's way worse. Is that gayer? No, I think knitting's at least like... I've heard of people doing that before. Yeah, they do it to calm themselves. You're gonna have that thing where you're... What, are you gonna pay yourself 25 cents an hour or two? Yeah, are you gonna build your own sweatshop?

Oh, man. Dude, you're gonna be walking around looking like Dobby the house elf in the most fucked up shirt of all time but imagine you open your closet and everything in your closet is something you made and it all looks awful dude you're gonna be doing the podcast and you're gonna raise your hand and your shirt's gonna fall off you're gonna be at the bank wearing pants you sewed and your dick and balls comes out and you get arrested i'm gonna accidentally like kill myself yeah i'm gonna like i'm gonna accidentally like create a noose and it gets caught on the door and i kill myself i'm gonna create something that constricts me and kills yeah you're gonna like somehow get sucked

into the sewing machine and like get sewed into a pair of slacks it is weird it's the first step in you becoming like a bohemian like piece of shit he's buying a sewing machine and knitting your sewing your own clothes and stuff and then it segues from that to like veganism and then your kids just start resenting you because you're like the guy you're the dad that only has like you don't have like any fun sodas in the house or you know yeah you're an ingredient household yeah you become and then you know yeah you start you you start we come over and it because that's the problem is it doesn't stop at the sewing it just keeps going it just keeps going to the point where you're making like shark soup for dinner guests and we come over and you like are seriously like

no so what i've started i'm not eating my own shit what i do is i put the shit in a jar in the sun and then the liquid that is I put the shit in a jar in the sun, and then the liquid that melts out of the shit, I drink that. And we're like, dude, that's eating your shit. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, my friend. That's what we call, we call it fart punching. The Tibetan monks used to do it.

Yeah, it's close to piss therapy. You're getting dangerously close to being a piss therapy person. You could. A guy pissing in a wine glass and swirling it. Yeah, it's close to piss therapy. You're getting dangerously close to being a piss therapy person. You could. A guy pissing in a wine glass and swirling it like it's an $80 glass of Merlot. Yeah, you cork it to store it for a while. I cork my piss. So it gets real musky

and develops a film on top. There's a mushroom floating inside of it. Yeah, and you spin and you go, I'm getting hints of gushers. Herbal tea. My own shit from earlier. Inca cola. The Peruvian cola.

You know, most vitamins aren't absorbed the first time in the body. You gotta drink your piss. I like to put black pepper in it for the absorption. It's actually wise to drink your piss, even though literally cavemen weren't doing that. You know how you know you shouldn't drink

your own piss? Literally fucking dogs don't drink their own piss. I know. You retard. I don't even see animals peeing into their mouth ever.

Or peeing into like an indention in the dirt and then drinking it. If a wolf like in a pack started drinking its own piss, the older wolf would snap its neck. Because it knew this can't spread.

He's going to kill the whole tribe of wolves. By the way, a little quick health update. I don't want to make the whole episode about me. I have brain cancer. Another announcement. Remember I told you guys my dick stopped hurting?

Sure. We had a big party. Yeah, a huge party. I went down to the local steakhouse. We ran up a $5,000 bill because my dick finally didn't hurt. We all put on suits and went to a claim jumper. Like we were at a sales conference. We got you a trans hooker.

sales conference we got you a trans hooker uh so my dick stopped stinging once i cut out coke zero and zevia uh the other night i i had a sprite okay full sugar spread i only but i only drink half of it because it's so damn sweet how'd you even find a full sugar sprite where were you yeah they're called starrys now right yeah what are you guys i thought starry was a product of pepsi that competes with sprite or am i out of the loop or something wait am i out of the loop on the soda news i haven't been to any dunk contests recently but i'm pretty sure yeah is starry now that's what i thought is you can only buy sprite at county fairs now boys you've been hoodwinked that is the brilliant marketing behind starry starry is actually pepsi's uh little sister that is the competitor with coca-cola so it's sierra mist it's sierra mist and i think it's because sierra mist tried to sue a hooker named sierra miss and she won somehow so they

had to change their or they they sued OnlyFans person named Sierra Miss. And the judge was like, she's got nasty titties overruled. Truly, everything is political now. Even if you're just a guy who's really into soda, that's politicized now. There's like turmoil. There's like trouble in paradise. Oh, there's. I mean, if you're mentally retarded, there's any type of you're like, this is the woke soda.

I can only drink the racist soda. Yeah. There's guys in mobile homes Googling on their fucking Android phone. What's the most racist soda? So they can drink it. Well, that soda, that half can of Sprite made my dick sting again. So I brought it back into my body and then, like I did the actual test you're supposed to do to find out if you're allergic to stuff.

I guess I'm allergic in whatever they put in soda. Do you think maybe it was just the bubbles coming out? The bubbles got your dick old? I don't know. It caused weird inflammation in my body that made my dick sting. But it's all gone now as long as I don't drink soda. If you stay away from all that stuff for a long time, then I guess you'd have a good sample size.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. Unless it's just a coincidence. I mean, listen listen i don't know how you're drinking this soda you could be leaving out a lot of details here you know yeah no one i'm no one's sure what you're doing here you could be 10 hours a day to be honest your pregnant wife's like fucking working in a coal mine somewhere you're just wandering around the house like a psychopath yeah katie's in a Siberian mind. You're fucking dunking your balls in Sprite all day.

Like Sprite makes my dick good, goddammit. Fucking holding sparrows on your fingers as you type away on an old fucking Japanese typewriter. Yeah. You're the only person who went to nature and got worse somehow. Oh man, I have been having the thought that I need to go out more, probably. Yeah.

Our friend Connor's back in town. I need to go hang out with Connor. Hang out with Connor. Start being friends with people. Yeah. Exactly. No, it's good. Start drinking.

It's definitely... I kind of thought that maybe I should be a guy who goes to a place and then just starts to try to make... It's so hard to organically make friends with people as you get older. But I'm like, should I just go to a place and try to like starts to try to make it's so hard to organically make friends with people as you get older but i'm like should i just like go to a place and like try to make friends with people like old guys or something like you go hang out at like a bar and like you make friends or you go hang out on a golf course and make friends you should just start going to like a black barber shop and become like a local character and And I just hang out there. Yeah. Just talking the NBA and pussy.

Yeah. Like an old black dude's really teaching you how to eat pussy. Yeah. Katie's like, this is the best thing that's ever happened to our marriage. Just some old black dude like, hey, Ben, brother man, chaka kana Beyonce. Do I still look how I look right now? You look just like how you look when you're there. Like, Jamal, I've been thinking about sewing my own shirts.

And they go, why are you crazy? They go, you crazy ass wife. But we think he retarded. Yeah, his wife drops him off every day because he can't be alone. Yeah, he good folk folk but he retarded yeah he's been sucking on a rib bone for about two days do you think black people would fuck with me or do you think they'd pick up some corny ass like a retard i i what's so funny i think here's the thing if you survive the first two days i think that's the

crucial thing oh it's like prison it's like the first two days like they're gonna hate you so much that they might kill you i don't know yeah but if you get past that they're like oh that's that little and they like throw quarters at you and make you dance like you're the mask i'm imagining if i want to like assimilate within a black community right like let's say i wake up in a twilight zone episode where there's only black people right yeah it'd be like what's eating wait sorry give me a second what's eating Gilbert

Grape Soda very good it's only it's only black people and Gilbert Grape's mom and it's only very good it's only black people and Gilbert Grape's mom and it's it's her heaven she's like

thank the lord shit I think you'd I think if you stuck it out they'd eventually like you i think so so i kind of know i think i already i know you guys think i'm like oblivious to like black culture and stuff yeah but if i had to assimilate into that world pretty easy rule number one no gay shit i want to make any jokes about being gay or sucking dick the gay jokes don't fly you would be vibrating like roger rabbit trying to not do that jokes don't fly. You would be vibrating like Roger Rabbit

trying to not do that, though. Yeah. Yeah, it actually would be pretty hard, actually. So you get that. What's rule number two? Rule number two is be racist. Okay. They like honesty.

Sure. That's why Patrice respected Ant on Opie and Anthony. So that's your plan to go to a black barber shop and act like Anthony Cumia. Oh, and he put it that way. I mean, he put it that way. Devin, let's hear him out. No, I feel like he's twisting my words.

You're going to walk in with the cell phone pressing record. And you're gonna you're gonna walk in with the cell phone pressing record and you're gonna have a fucking laveer mic like britney spears being like look at them they're animals that's you dude so number two is like they appreciate like honesty like i need to go in there i'm like the damn chinese are spreading this flu like crazy like if i said something like that then they like that maybe maybe i don't know you'd have to eye the situation i'll fill out the waters on how racist i should be in a black barbershop i would say start closer to the bottom yeah i wouldn't say test that at the top and work down i would say

maybe start it on a low pole. I'd say start showing them who you truly are about a month in. Really gain their trust first. Number three, I got to stop dressing so whack. Yeah. Got to get rid of the hokas, even though I got really bad joint problems. They don't want these for the otter boxes of shoes. These are what like the that's the same as the phone covers for dads. Yeah. That is the you own your own roofing company of shoes. These fucking, these are what like the, that's the same as the phone covers for dads.

Yeah. If that is the, you own your own roofing company of shoes. But to be fair, I'm wearing champion socks, which you have to, you can only get these at the footlocker. Okay.

That helps a little bit, but that still looks like somebody dressed you. It looks like you have a caretaker. Yeah. It looks like I'm an invalid. Yeah. Those shoes have definitely stayed tied for a long time so i can't wear shoes that help out with the i have really bad foot pain and knee pain

because i'm so tall you're just gonna have to have foot pain for a while i can't say i play golf i gotta say that my dad was a basketball coach and i'm super into basketball so i'm gonna have to like watch basketball for two months before i step foot into a black barbershop. Don't bring up John Morant once. You never do that. That's a trap. Got it. Very good. Yeah.

Just say stuff like Tim Duncan, number three all time. Something like that. So they're like, okay, okay. Should I dress up like I'm on my... I'm like, oh, I just stopped in here. I was on my way to shoot some hoops. Yeah. Walk in and go... I'm dribbling a basketball. stopped in here. I was on my way to shoot some hoops. Yeah. Walk in and go.

I'm dribbling a basketball. Walk in, dribbling a basketball, and go, I'll take a fade. And then ask them to give you the lines on the side of your head like Dwayne Wade. Yeah. Just keep going like, mood and a blunt, y'all. Mood and a blunt. Oh, shit. Yeah. drink some hennessy out of a little paper cup y'all got any henny see i think this is like i'm thirsty yeah so this is y'all got some henny for benny

and you don't say you develop a nickname. They go, we call him Benny Henny. I go, ooh. Yeah. You go, you know, it's all about the Benjamins. And you go, nanyahu, that is. Some old black guy. Oh, hey, Ben Franklin. We need, the thing is, we need to be in Ben's ear like in Practical Joke.

Oh, yeah. We can coach him through it. You guys are in a van watching from across the street and coaching me. Yeah, yeah. Because something's going to come up and you're just going to need some help. No, you guys are in my ear because I'm going to get killed if I say the wrong thing. Somebody's going to be like, you read Jet Magazine? You're like, uh, uh.

Devin's like, it featured black titties in the 70s. Bring up Patrick Mahomes''s wife say that bitch whack say that bitch whack and she's got a polyamory tattoo she ugly ass she too ugly to be another dick the last time i hung out with a black guy it was danny brown and i pissed him off yeah and he's the whitest black guy he's ever lived yeah you Danny Brown got upset at you? Yeah, he was kind of drunk. He was getting like fucking he was getting really pissed at me. Why? Just because you were just reminding him of

I kept reminding him. He goes, I know you're who's that guy? He's like, you white ass bitch. He goes, you white as hell. You white as hell. Ain't it funny? You white as hell. Ain't it funny how it happens? You the atrocity exhibition. Ain't it funny? You're wild as hell. Ain't it funny how it happened? You're the atrocity exhibition, motherfucker.

Yeah, he kept saying something like, he was like, Andrew Tate is, well, he kept saying the N word. So can I say N? Can I say the letter N? Yeah. Because I have to like, because it was the- Are you talking the barbershop or here here oh yeah well here in this here in the safe space right if you go to the barber shop say n yeah yeah what's up my n uh danny brown kept saying like uh he kept going

andrew tate is what people don't why people hate him is because he's he's a he's an n and i was like i don't think that's why people don't like him he's like why don't you not like i'm like i don't hate him but i just think he's a grifter like everybody all these all these guys they're all they all like it's all to make like money and it's all about their it's very carefully calculated public perception of themselves and he was just like they don't actually care about people and and he was like that's right you're being he kept saying like i know who you are you're one of these hassan piker types that's what he kept saying oh interesting and i think he may have been so fucked up he thought i was hassan at some point so i just sort of stopped he was like drunk to him he was very

funny he asked you to suck his dick at the end of the night? He's like, why'd you gum me? Gum me, bitch. He's like, you're a crackhead in Detroit? He's like, take them shits out your mouth and gum me. I'll give you a fucking cheeseburger, man. Then help me sell this motherfucking scrap metal. So if I can't even win that guy over, I think I might be fucked. He seems like he's easy to win over, but if he was fucked up, you just make people angry.

I mean, look at you. Jesus Christ. He probably saw you walk over and grab somebody a water bottle and he's like, what's with that motherfucker's posture? He kept calling me a son biker. I'm not even a leftist.

I'm like, that guy sucks. That guy sucks ass. You're like, Danny, you're getting it all wrong. I'm a fucking racist. I'm not like a leftist. I don't even know what, I'm like, that guy sucks. That is hilarious. You're like, Danny, you're getting it all wrong. I'm a fucking racist. I'm not like him at all. I hate you. And I don't even know who you are. Yeah. Yeah.

Interesting. He's, so I didn't, so that was, you know, but like, you know, you're not going to hit every ball you swing at.

You know what I mean? I struck out with Danny Brown. That's fine. You kept calling him Chris Brown. That's why I got down. At one point, I really fucked up because he started quoting. He goes, have you ever? He was like swirling his cup.

He goes, have you ever read? Who's the guy that wrote the books that Chappelle quotes? Iceberg Slim. Well, no, the actual writer. It's Iceberg Slim. Iceberg Slim, the actual writer. It's Iceberg Slim. Iceberg Slim, yeah. I think he had a real name, though, right? The Reginald Van Johnson?

I don't know. I don't know. He said his actual name or whatever. Sure. And I was like, I don't know what that is. And he was like, that's really fucked up. And then I go, oh, it's the Iceberg Slim guy. And he goes, yeah.

And I go, oh, I've never read his books. Are they actually good? He's like, no, he's actually a really bad writer. And I was like okay well I don't even know what argument we're having now so he was but then he quoted him

and he thought it was fucked up I hadn't read his work but then he says he's bad and he goes no but he's actually a really bad writer was he being facetious

no no he was being I think he was being legitimate unless he was arguing with a fractal and a shape in front of him like it wasn't even

it wasn't even me he thought he might have been so fucked legitimate. Unless he was arguing with a fractal and a shape in front of him. Like, it wasn't even me. It wasn't even me. You know what he's looking at? He might have been so fucked up he thought he was in the comment section of a Hasan Piker Twitch stream. Was he really high and drunk? Yeah, he was really fucked up. Okay.

By the way, I really like him. I love Danny Brown. I think he's hilarious. And he was one of my favorite rappers. I'm a fan of anyone who thinks I suck ass. Yeah, honestly, it's a very endearing story. favorite rapper i'm a fan of anyone who thinks i suck ass yeah honestly it's very endearing story i i have a theory which i i think is from what you've told me the story before i think danny brown is one of those guys who has fun in a room full of white people using being black as like a

hostage situation yeah like it's just john q no we've literally yeah he's like he's like say the fucking word like holding a gun to your head no i literally think he and we've known people like this like they walk into like a group of like they're normally around scared comedy white people and they walk in they go uh they go iceberg slim you like him and then you go yeah he goes he sucks right what do you think about that cracker i think he sucks. Right. What do you think about that, cracker? Yeah, it's a trap. I think he sucks, too. And you're like, oh, you do? Why? So you were lying.

You thought I would like him because I'm black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And real, I've been in this situation before. I did not get out of it because I immediately had a panic attack when Sam J. did this to me one time. Right. I had the thought, don't say the name of it. I was like, ah, fuck it. Yeah, yeah.

Do you want me to bleep it? No, I'm kidding. Yeah, you should. Love Sam. It was a cracker trap. It was a cracker trap. And really, your only way out of it is to go, I am very racist. Because there's no...

You have to pull your own grenade, show that you're crazy. Yeah. And they're like oh this guy i can't even fuck with him you know the power's gone one time we were at the improv and we saw this like white comic on the stool have i told this story before i don't know he was at the bar and then there was another lady like a famous uh black woman and then another uh famous black guy and they were at the bar they're both comics right i'm not gonna name anyone in the story and then the guy was like like a white guy who was like kind of a open mic type of guy but he's

like friends with all those people because he's he's a super big cuck yeah and they're woke right so they're all in the cuck club and they all cook each other and he's sitting at the bar and he's kind of like they're not paying attention to him and then the two black people start talking about how much they love uh uh do the right thing and like me and my friend saw him almost fall literally fall out of his stool and he goes i love do the right thing he like literally almost ate trying to say how much he loves spiking getting too excited bursary he goes when that cop calls a Puerto Rican up you guys

want to go burn down a pizza store right now I'll go burn down a pizza shop personally I

think he did do the right thing fuck pizza fuck Danny Aiello he doesn't even get it

no he doesn't get the point fuck the Italians fuck Italian people. Down with Italians. I'm like, what? Yeah.

More like do the alt-right thing. Wow, very good one. That's what I'm talking about. By the way, they got Trouble in Paradise over there. I'm telling you what. Huh? What, the alt-right? The alt-right.

There's a lot of infighting right now over pedophilia and grooming. A lot of infighting right now. Let me tell you they're at a war i can pull up the clips if you want me to but then this is gonna be a patreon episode for sure well you know what i'm liking this one so much it's kind of i feel like this could be public yeah yeah i'm not gonna pull it up then but there's a lot of fighting about grooming uh a lot of alt-right people like nick fuentes are pro saying it's not bad to groom someone because why would you want a woman who's had sex with a lot of men it would be better to find a

girl who's young and make sure that she's a virgin by the time you yeah which is just like you're bad at fucking you know yeah you have to raise a pussy yeah basically yeah you have to grow a pussy like a chia pet you have to put a pussy in a terrarium a little plastic over with water you're that big of a fucking loser interesting i'm not gonna play any clips but i mean but also i don't like playing clips of like uh you know all this shit i know you know some people might think fuentes is cool or whatever but he's a fucking retard and a grifter. Yeah, I don't know anything about him. I don't pay attention.

He's some retarded kid. I don't know. Yeah, he's just a retarded kid. Can I say more about the black hostage situation? Absolutely. Because I've been in a lot of them. Oh, you do actually have your... I've stumbled into quite a few.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had front row seats in a couple. Front row seats to a really vicious one. That was brutal. And I didn't help. You talking about the date you were on with that black lady?

No. I mean, I've talked about that one, right? Oh, okay. That was not a black hostage. That was a black terrorist. She was taking both of us down. Also, she went to Harvardvard so whatever i'm gonna go down to the strikes right now in hollywood to see if i can find her well i think she went crazy and

threw herself into the ocean so you probably won't well if i find her i'm gonna do that toby keith thing like how do you like me now now that i'm making living in your podcast app how do you like me now how do you like me now making the money I would have made if I never started comedy three years ago at 30 years old. How do you like me now? Now that I say I'm gay. Now I make content and it's kind of a living wage. No, I had one where I don't want to say any names we were at the improv one time it was you me mcnutt and i think ben might have been there ben was like in the in a corner drinking it was in a corner making the drink from the master yeah out of like jet jet fuel ben was ben was

holding orange juice in front of the sun, hoping it ferments. Remember when I used to carry a handle of whiskey on me in that big trench coat I had? It was like the Columbine guy where he pulls all the shotguns out of his pants. He puts your booze. I had like 160 beers on me. You were Columbine,

but you were threatening to unload your personality on everyone. You were like Duff Man. Duff Man. Duff Man is giving a cry for help. Yeah, but we were at the improv, and I won't say any names, but I walked up to you and Jack and somebody else, and there's a comic who looks like Norbert's wife, but she's actually the Nutty Professor's wife, And I confused her with another comic. Oh, no.

Who was also in Tata. We had just seen it at a show. We had just seen it at a show. And I was like, I was like, I wasn't even trying to be mean. I was just like, oh, I saw you at the Satellite. You were great. And then she's like, oh, I didn't perform at the Satellite.

And I was like, oh, no. I was like, oh, no. And I'm standing there like the, like nicholson from anger management gif where i'm just like no not gonna go well and then i was like anyway good night everybody and i just walked outside because i knew what and i started chain smoking cigarettes and the way the improv is built there's this big wall into the bar so i could just watch you and connor get in a fight with three black comics who were bigger than us about whether or not i was yeah i was like literally just defending who like he's not right like which made it which made it worse yeah and uh it was like because i did i knew they were arguing about me but i couldn't tell what they

were saying and then i want to point like one of the black comics i just saw like turned to me just be like racist mother fuck and then like turn back around and i was chain smoking and then at one point the the black comic i got confused with norbert's wife walked outside and was like you confused me with this other comic. I was like, and I did say, I go, yeah, I'm very racist. And then she tried to fuck me later that night.

She tried to fuck you. Yeah. It was all bullshit. It was just to make you uncomfortable. No, of course. But in the moment, I'm 26 and I'm having a panic attack because I don't know how, you know, as like a grown man, I'd

be like, oh, who gives a like a shit, you know? Right. But I was still in a state where I could be held hostage with that. I've been accused of being racist and homophobic less doing this show than I was in 2016. Yeah. Just among comedians. That is true. Like I got accused of being racist constantly. As did you,

I guess. And now no one, now I have a, this, now I do this show and no one calls me. The comments never say anything about you being racist. But they mean it ironically. They're our fans. They know it's all a big, they know it's all a goof.

I'm out marching with Hassan Piker and Adam Conover. You look outside and see protesters with flaming torches. You're like, ah, fans! Ironic fans. When did you get called... I mean, I remember the I'm gay shirt, but what else

happened with you? Oh, I got called racist all the time. Are you kidding me? No, I know, but I'm just trying to... I don't want to name any... Not people, but just like for bits that are on stage yeah and then you know

remember that Facebook thing with that guy oh right yeah you remember the whole thing yeah he was trying to tell people I called him the n-word

and that never happened somebody else took your phone and wrote something yeah but he didn't even call him didn't even say didn't even say that he just he the guy pretended

yeah yeah yeah and like I said all those guys died in an old mine shaft in 2020 so those guys those guys their heads chopped off on thunder mountain they were barely surviving before covet hit and then covet and they turned into like stephen king's the stand you just check see him on facebook they're in like nevada wandering

through the desert yeah dying yeah so I think I think you won there were a lot of people that we used to know in comedy and then when the pandemic hit I would like check Facebook and they'd be like working on murder mountain like they were like sex slaves like being forced to like smuggle weed in their ass cheeks and shit and people are putting hoods over their heads and driving on AT of nowhere and they're still doing open mics about it getting up and be like so i was chained to a fucking truck and raped for fuel that's fucking weird oh my god that was my favorite um period of covet is when um the people who should kill themselves but keep doing comedy started doing comedy they're like for the like there was like i think there was like three months

where like there's like people we know like if they don't do like there's the bull the gun's always an inch away from their forehead and the only thing keeping them from killing themselves is grinding at open mics they're like sharks they have to keep swimming they have to keep bombing or they'll die yes exactly and it was like three months into covid those people were finally like all right i know about a secret show inside of a macy's full of homeless people yeah i'm gonna go there and bomb yeah it looks like fucking like dead rising or some shit it's just a it's a mall i know a place where everybody's a zombie and they're all eating each other. I'm performing at the mall

from Dawn of the Dead. There's a sniper on the roof taking people out. There's a classic game plan for bad comics that eventually are like, alright, they gotta figure something else out and they start making third grade level art

online, like stick figures and then they start saying like third grade level art online like stick figures and then they start saying like I'm selling my art now asking people for money for their art and it's literally like it's popsicle sticks glued together with Elmer's glue yes it's like this one's a cat and this one's my mom

and this one's my dad so I took my shit and put googly eyes on it and all of my fans i have no fans but all of my fans go buy it my content exists to make get made fun of by better open micers it didn't work out what were we we were talking about how uh it's kind of, like all the people that want to make it in comedy on that level of like traditionally with the industry, like it's just a bunch of people vying for the opportunity to have billionaires launder money through their existence.

Through their existence, yeah. You're making yourself into a shell corp, but you receive none of the money, really? Yeah, pretty much. Because you still make like $60,000 a year or whatever. You're still kind of fucked. By writing for some show. Yeah, exactly.

You're like, I made it. And no one even knows. You write for a show on AutoZone.com. No one has any clue how to watch it. I got a show on the CISO app. It's called Pedophile. Who's a pedophile? And we all fuck kids on it

And that's the show And they're like I'm really excited about this opportunity I pay them And I also got fucked by the kids I know a lot of people Including my great friend Who they worked on that Big Mouth show

Which was just like You just write pedophile anthems for the DNC Yeah It was like six straight years Of like You just write like a song where a bunch of like fourth graders are like and then we suck the cock and titty fuck the teacher and i fucked a kid and yeah no it's literally like it's like puberty puberty big mouth it was like 10 jews

and like two black people that we knew in a writer's room being like all right so what if an adult takes the kids to an island and rapes them they go that's been done before yeah then nick crowe's like ah that was our first step nick crowe's like ah my dad did that sorry my my dad already did that he'll sue us yeah my dad who's the cia for rich pedophiles did that they go john what do you think and then john is snorting baby laxative out of a child's asshole oh john mulaney john mulaney he's kind of he's like is it cake and then he cuts a knife through a baby he's like it wasn't cake anyway i'm gonna do some rails but don't worry there'll be some really mid comedy about it later yeah and then big mouth apparently is like our generation

seinfeld yeah great awesome apparently people absolutely love it they're starting their seventh season it's like a huge show people love it yeah yeah yeah no i i am megan the stallion's on it this year you know shaking her giant freak white freak zoid ass my best friend worked on it and was a character on it for five years i could never once tell him i liked it i would just go i'm really i'm happy for you man yeah well that's funny your friends would get something and then you're like you would kind of kill yourself because you're like okay i know i have to watch it because it's really big for them and you put it off for a

couple weeks and they keep asking you for it you finally have to sit down and be like okay alright here we go make it through two eps you can say you watched it you'd be like oh god this sucks ass it sucked it sucked so bad and then you send the customer

like hey watch the show it was 22 minutes long great stuff the whole thing had credits there was sound my TV the screen was on yeah you

go it's it was it was in 4k the tv was great you turn into like tv did a great job you turn into jiminy glick for your friends where you're just like so how do they make the pictures move like that how do they make the cartoons move hey guys with the changing of the seasons it's time to change up the way you cook let go of meal planning shopping and food prep and let hello fresh take the reins they send fresh ingredients with easy recipes right to your door so cooking is a total breeze with 40 recipes and over 100 add-on items to choose from each week, there's always something new to love. We used HelloFresh. They've sent us a couple of boxes.

And the great thing about HelloFresh is they send you these recipes. Devin, you made a great – I made an incredible like breaded chicken thing. It was delicious. It was spicy mayonnaise and I made the veggies and everything. It was incredible. Huzzah. Easy to follow the instructions.

Reddit is down the hall and to the left. So it was great for Devin. Devin made a great breaded chicken. He's like the movie chef in there, throwing spices and salt. Meanwhile, me, I ripped the box open like a caveman and I just cooked all the beef and then I threw the vegetables away.

But the beef was amazing. Yeah, you cooked like a cowpoke on the open range. Yeah, basically. Yeah, I've been eating mostly beef and eggs for about a couple months now. but the beef was amazing yeah you could do like a cow poke on the open range yeah basically yeah i've been i've been eating mostly beef and eggs for about a couple months now but hello fresh helped me do that i didn't have to go to the grocery store so i could say inside and rot a little bit more nice and guys with awesome dinners like honey butter barbecue pork chops and shroom and swiss beef burgers there's truly something everyone in the family will love so go to hellofresh.com slash 50 lemon and use code 50 lemon for 50 off plus 15 off the next two months that's

hellofresh.com slash 50 lemon and use the code 50 lemon for 50 off plus 15 off for the next two months thank you hello fresh now back to the show two months. Thank you. Hello. Fresh. Now back to the show. Thank you. Hello. Thank you. Hello. Fresh. Hey guys, signing your life away to a big wireless provider is kind of like being trapped on a roller coaster from hell.

Sure. It looked fun at first. They probably threw in a free phone, but now you can't get off and month after month of insane bills and unexpected thrills like overages and surprise fees. If that sounds like your current big wireless plan, it's time to get off the ride with Mint Mobile. For a limited time, wireless plans from Mint Mobile are just $15 a month. That's unlimited talk, text, and data for just $15

a month. Mint Mobile sent us a chip to use for our phones. I've been using it. I get great coverage. It's the exact same as my big wireless plan coverage. And it's only $15 a month, which is saving a ton of money. So some things to remember is that Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans for just 15 bucks a month. Say bye-bye to your big wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overage. All plans come with unlimited talks and texts and high-speed data delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Ditch big wireless with Mint Mobile's limited-time deal and get premium wireless service for just $15 a month. So to get your new unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free, go to mintmobile.com slash lemon.

That's mintmobile.com slash lemon. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash lemon. Thank you, Mint Mobile. Oh, man. Did you guys see this retarded thing in Las Vegas? What is it doing? This is what you wake up and you see this now. Why is it doing that? Why is it just eyes? That'sarded thing in Las Vegas? What is it doing? This is what you wake up and you see this now. Why is it doing that?

Why is it just eyes? That's the sphere in Las Vegas. That's just... Dude. This is what the whole skyline is going to look like in five years. Dude, I would love if just like Steven Paddock just shot a bunch of people through. Like you see a big panel kick out of the side of the egg. And then he just destroys a Jason Aldean concert

again well this is they're starting to look at people like they're moths so they go make a giant emoji and people will flock to it yeah in three weeks this this face on this bubble is holding a Thai woman and its eyes are all half closed he's like

yeah I mean yeah in two years this fear is just going to be saying obey obey if you were going to be walking into big traps in front of it it's like a gay hypno hypnotism that's creepy jesus christ i said it the other day but we're a third world country but everyone's wearing who farted t-shirts that's the whole place now pretty much yeah i went to a hardware store like maybe two weeks ago do you know how ace hardware stores are independently owned and operated but you take you they're licensed from did you know about this oh do i i wasn't aware of this i walked into one and this one is maybe the most poorly run one in the entire country i

gotta tell you they all look like that but go ahead okay this one everything it was first of all it was a pet food store and i know that because they took down none of the signs or the shelves from the pet food store there's pictures of dogs and birds everywhere signs that say dog food signs that say like a fish aquariums and all this stuff they didn't take any of that down there's three retarded guys huddled around a little uh card table right when you walk in and they refuse to look at anyone and they're playing uh like a retarded version of checkers with like little chinese checkers i think it was chinese checkers, actually. Which was a game invented for retarded people to play. They put pallets of sand in the aisles because they didn't have enough space for their pallets of mulch and stuff. So you had to walk.

I was like, hey, there's a lot of pallets. And he goes, oh, you just walk over that stuff to get down the aisle. So you have to climb onto a bunch of, like a bag of mulch about three foot high and you walk across it to get the thing you want and then you go and then you jump down. Yeah. He's just like, by the way, the snakes escaped out of the pet food store, so. Grab a hammer on your way in,

just drop it off when you leave. It's like American Ninja Warrior just to get like a fucking hammer. Yes, dude, I swear to God, I'm not doing a bit. They all had severe learning doing a bit they all had severe learning disabilities like they all were hit by the same car that hit roseanne they all they couldn't talk they didn't know what i was trying to say they were very like mentally challenged yeah yeah people and there was this one aisle where it was just uh

it was plungers that look like a shotgun and there's shit laying everywhere bags of trash things on the floor like it looks like a kmart but it's just screws and like hammers and stuff and there's all these shotguns that look like plungers i'm like that's that's our country that's it right there that's it it's three retarded guys somehow opened up you can't even get motivated to unclog your toilet unless you feel like you're taking somebody's life. Yes. It everything has to be because that's gay.

Yeah, it's gay. I'm not just going to get the shit out of my toilet. I'm going to shoot this shit. You know, dude, it literally is somebody being like, oh, I used my plunger. It felt like I was jacking off a guy. So can you turn it into a gun so I don't feel like a fag when i i have to push my massive non-gay shits through the pipe they came out of my straight ass they came i haven't ate a vegetable in 20 years because i associate that with having cum in my face because i'm insane

so my turds are like cinder blocks that are gooey and every time i'm just trying to push them through the modern like pipes that were still built for americans it doesn't work i feel gay so can you turn can you turn my shit thing into a gun it's a big shotgun when i checked out i was with my father-in-law because we're we remodeled the uh baby room to make a like a baby room. And my father-in-law, he checks this out, and he looks up and he goes, you two live together or it's your separate home? And I didn't know if he was like,

I was like, are you a fucking swinger? Are you wondering if we're like, are we together or something? And he was like, no, I'm in town from Texas. He lives here. And he lives here and he goes and we go what and he goes he goes what's the password you're like fidelio he opens up a back door it's a bunch of fat retards wearing wrestling masks just having gay sex with each other they're all butt fucking each other yeah they're shoving the shotgun plunger up their asses dude he kept doing this and he's like follow me follow me follow me

and we're like all right like we're both laughing like i don't know what the hell is about to happen and we walk past this aisle that like has all these pictures of parakeets and parrots and like there's still like bags of bird seed that are like tucked in the back well that's their food now and he leads us to this one tower swear to god the whole tower was traeger grill barbecue sauce and he goes take one each you each get one whoa he goes, take one each. You each get one. He goes, any pick you want. Rubs or sauces. And I was like, really? And they were coated in like the Jumanji dust. What is going on at this hardware store?

He just let us have one. So my father-in-law picked out a rub, and then I got a barbecue sauce, and we looked at the expiration date. They were both expired, but we were like, no turning back now. You know if you refuse, he'd rip your face off like a chimpanzee. He'd rip your face off and then throw it across the store like a discus. It's like a condemned building. There's nails everywhere.

It looked like a hurricane went through the building. I'm not being a retard about it. And they're just retarded at a fold down table. Dude, it's like playing Chinese checkers. When you ask them a question they go, and they all turn and look at you.

They're huddled over something in the woods and they're eating it. They're playing Chinese checkers and when they jump a piece they get to eat it. Find me. Find me. they're playing chinese checkers and when they jump a piece they get to eat barbecue i give to retired guys like me dude i think what it was is it used to be a ralph's that went out of business or relocated then it became a pet food store that went out of business and then it became an ace hardware and it's a failing business and this guy's letting his three retarded sons yeah run it yeah or or he died because they were all old they were all in their mid-50s but they

look like brothers and they were doing the retarded thing where they wear a collared shirt that is like a crop top almost and then sweatpants with the ass out. Yeah. That type of retarded guy. It could be their dad. Balding retarded guy. Yeah. Balding retarded guy who looks vaguely Russian almost.

Retarded where you really know he's going to do a horrific thing to a child if he gets alone with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Retarded guy where cock is worn down to a nub. It's been sanded down. A juggernaut of raping children. Bo Jackson.

Yeah, the Bo Jackson of raping kids. He just had a gift for it. gift for it no because I was I was gonna say I went to an Ace Hardware store and fucking there's no way it was this fucked up was it dude it was kind of close it wasn't

I mean it wasn't three retarded pedophiles with barbecue sauce I mean I don't think anything could be that fucked up by the way if you use that barbecue sauce you'll get drunk It's so old it's like probably Alcoholic at this point I used it on some wings the other day

That's why you've been jonesing Yeah that's why you're chasing this dragon lately You've been drinking retard moonshine I've been just doing shots of fucking Sweet Baby Ray's I feel great No I went to this While i was trying to get a it was up up i the sink we were staying at airbnb like clogged and so i was trying to get a plunger for a sink like there's ones for a sink and ones for a toilet a roto router right no no no the flat

the flat plungers for a sink like the classic i didn't know that mario brothers plunger that's why it's flat the one for the ones that look like a titty the ones that look like a sink, like the classic Mario Brothers plunger. That's why it's flat. What are the ones that look like a titty? The ones that look like a titty, yeah. The ones that are shaped like they're meant to gape your asshole going to toilet. I didn't know that. Yeah, because they create a suction. Because I feel like the other ones don't work well on toilets, the ones that look like titties.

Yeah, because they're designed for sinks. Didn't know that. You wouldn't know that unless you've clogged a lot of toilets in your life. That's some knowledge that's earned, brother. You gotta earn that with your hands, brother. You're the David Coggins of clogged toilets. Every day I wake up and I load shit down the pipe. You're David Coggins.

I'm up at 4 a.m. and I'm pounding that toilet I'm just I'm throwing shit down that brother I just I want to get some motherfuckers who make hard ass shit and their shit stay hard

David Coggins has to be the name of the episode yeah it has to be yeah no but i was so i was looking for the the the sink one and i went to a target i was like do you guys have i went up to like it made me so furious i was at a target i couldn't find the plunger so i kept i went up to three guys and i go hey i was at a target i couldn't find the plungers so i kept i went up to three guys and i go hey do you know where the plungers are i can't find them and it was like instead of taking me to the thing which i know is very assholey servant attitude they just go like damn that's a good question like literally like man if you find them let me know and i'm like don't you have the thing

on your thing like the phone the little palm pilot thing that can tell you where it is he goes nah and I'm like okay that happened three times in a row it's cause I'm white isn't it yeah and they're like yeah you kinda look retarded plus I'm not gonna help you

get shit out of your pipe I'm like no it's for a kitchen sink they're like sure I imagine and you kind of look retarded. Plus, I'm not going to help you get shit out of your pipe. I'm like, no, it's for a kitchen sink. They're like, sure. I imagine this is lollipop black guy. He goes, damn, I don't know. And he just took out the lollipop and put it in. It was more like fat Puerto Rican kid. Oh, okay.

Got you. You can't work at Target unless you're Hispanic. That's a rule. Target is Mexico's TSA for some reason. I saw like an 85-year-old white woman working at one. But by the way, I just want to say

nothing stresses me out more than going to a Target for the first time and not knowing its layout. It's so confusing. I was so overwhelmed. I was out of my element. You're so out of your,

you feel completely retarded. You look around for eight minutes then you figure out there's another story. You go, oh, my God. Also, Targets will do like from like because usually, you know, like you walk into Walmart like, OK, eggs are over here. Milk's over there.

Yeah. But you walk into a Target and you're like, where are the eggs? And like, oh, we keep those with the belts. Yeah. They just go rogue. They go rogue on shit. It's really weird. Yeah.

So anyway, I went I called up. I was so mad. And I called up an Ace Hard mad and i called up at ace hardware and i go do you guys have um the plungers for uh kitchen sinks not toilets and they go i don't know what you're talking about they go what you've been shitting in your sink yeah they're like i don't know what you're talking about i go you know there's like a flat plunger for your sink and a flat and one for your toilet i need the one for the sink and she's go i don't you just gotta calm down man you just gotta calm down brother

and i got there and it was it was literally like it was three sheds that all had ace hardware on the top and i was just while i was trying to find somebody who even looked like they existed inside the place yeah and it was just like, oh. You saw people, you're like, I think that's a wraith. Yeah. I think that's a dead person impersonating an alive person. Yeah, that's a skinwalker. Yeah, it's a changeling.

That's a human with 19 deer hooves coming out of their back. That's the slender man. That's the guy who used to rape me in my nightmares when i was a kid so i can't help him yeah imagine just faceless people like something from a nightmare yeah and you were walking through the shelves and it was just that like you know it's like they're selling seashells or something like that like there's no hardware stuff and i i finally went to the back and i found a guy i was like do you have plungers for your sink not your toilet and it was i swear it was a guy out of captain phillips

like a guy so african you're like how are how do you exist in america where he like literally stood up and he had like that fucking pirate yeah a guy who only gets around by boat yeah you have to wait for the street to flood and he can get home yeah exactly he goes he goes if we have a plunger it would be in one of the buildings i was like okay cool dad and then i finally stumbled across one and it was like six dollars and i was checking out and uh and the lady checking me out, she still didn't know it wasn't for a toilet. It's for a sink.

Yeah. And as I'm checking out, it's $6, mind you. I'm checking out, and she holds it up, and she goes, just so you know, you can't return this. I was like, no, I figured I wouldn't. Return a shit-stained plunger. I wouldn't come back with a plunger covered in shit and be like, it just made more shit. It didn't work.

I don't like the color. It's covered in shit now. Can you take it? And I want my $6 back. Oh, God. So I'm glad you brought that up because I thought it, I was assuming it was just that one Ace, but apparently Ace Hardware's are just like the welfare of society. I haven't been to one.

I've only had a good experience at Ace typically. I didn't know they were, you know, just any Tom, Dick and Harry could buy one apparently. And I guess they're becoming like, yeah, like independent, you know, they're like, it's like people that like they think they buy like a vending machine and they think that it's like an entrepreneur and they're like this is gonna take me to the top right yeah or you could call like the owner of ace and he'd be like no we designed it that way it's we wanted a hardware store for retards by retards none of your fancy Home Depot's bullshit we got nothing

fuck you yeah you can get barbecue sauce and a fake shotgun there is a thing at like hardware stores like Home Depot and shit where like half the people walking around Home Depot look like they'd just rather burn their home down than fix,

than figure out even what aisle they have to get the screws. I know. No one at Home Depot likes any of the customers. I feel so bad having to ask where stuff is when I'm at Lowe's or Home Depot. When I see them, I go, hey, and they go, I'm so sorry, but I've actually done the due diligence of walking

around aimlessly for 25 minutes trying to find this group and by the way they never have it the thing I need they never have and then I was walking around you for another 10 trying to look helpless hoping you would do the decent thing and I saw you looking at me in your eyeline and then turning so you couldn't see

me anymore over and over also and hey Homeot fix the fucking website because i also i look to see if you have the shit i'm on my phone and i type in the zip code and it's you say you fucking have it it's not here it's always a lie it's always a lie to get you in the store right and it's and it's also like always target drives me nuts target makes me furious with that we were talking about can't find a thing in target and this is the most jewish mom thing i've ever said in my life but every time i've been at target it's a new one i can't find anything i go to the app and that's just like create your your fag profile with target.com

and i'm like just tell me what aisle the plungers are on yeah and i know you have to put in your fagging your your human birth certificate from birth with the stamp. The electronic section in Target, by the way, there's no one working at those anymore post-COVID. You can just take the TVs and the video games. It's all free. It's legitimately all free. No, I bought an iPad at Target the other day, and I flagged some guy down. And I was like, can I check out in the back?

And he's like, sure. And he checked me out. And then I just walked. I just was holding an iPad box, and i walked out the front door and i was like any does anybody care about this anybody and they're like dude fuck off dude like the checker at the door was like dude fuck off the guy checking out was like you could have just stole it man like fuck yeah i was on fucking break yeah he's yeah i don't dude i don't i hope i get shot here dude my life sucks the people get jobs at target to then just steal

from target i would steal from target all the time it's the easiest place to steal from yeah oh it's so simple that's why targets never get like shot up or anything everybody's happy there they're just stealing that is yeah it's Targets don't get shot up because Americans think they're gun ranges. They drive past it to go to a school. It's like hiding in plain sight. Yeah, exactly. They're like, well, it would make too much sense to shoot this place up. Shooting ranges never get shot up, I guess.

I think Chris Kyle. Piss Kyle. Mm hmm. Yeahhmm yeah well he had it coming allahu akbar retard and just like a seinfeld episode it all comes back it comes back to where it started it was like that dave chappelle special where he starts with a thing and then it says the thing at the end. People went, what? Beautiful cap. Where he starts with the thing, says one joke over 55 minutes, and then ends with the thing that sucks. Yeah, Dave Chappelle, a magician who does one trick in his show. He looks cool as hell, though, doing it. I will say that.

He's buff. Yeah, he looks like a turtle who fell out of his shell yeah do you guys have any in closing here do you guys have any advice in terms of like how to get ripped i mean if i gonna i if i knew i keep having this fantasy sometime i've come back to it you know for like 18 years now of like becoming Kevin Spacey and American Beauty yeah where I smoke a bunch of weed and just work out in the garage I see you becoming Kevin Spacey in life

yeah I was gonna say if you become him in that movie you'll get murdered by a gay guy yeah what sucks is I think I'm Kevin Spacey in American Beauty but I'm actually Chris Cooper in American Beauty I'm a guy with a bunch of Nazi plates and I'm Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, but I'm actually Chris Cooper in American Beauty. I'm a guy with a bunch of Nazi plates, and I'm gay. That's the whole character, right?

In that movie. He's a gay guy who has Nazi memory. And he made his wife completely catatonic to the only thing she like, the only time she feels is making bacon in the morning. And just sticking her fingers in the grease like fucking deniro and taxi driver well patreon.com slash lemon party uh lemon party uh clips channel is where we do the live streams every uh 4 p.m pacific standard time

it's fall it's there it's not the podcast it's a fuck around thing we do where we hang out and then we put them behind the paywall on patreon after 24 hours Devin is at hey watch pod Jace is at sad drawings by Jace Allahu Akbar retards take care bye