lemonparty - 049: Head in a Jar

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan costa: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery  website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 #lemonparty #lemonpartypodcast #benavery #jaceavery #devancosta Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Check one Check one. It's dynamite. Testing, check one. Is it too loud? As I told you once. And I told you twice. Check. We gonna light it up like it's dynamite.

I said ay-oh, ay-oh. Let me get a... Who sings that? The Beatles? Yeah. I think that was John Lennon in the Plastic Ono band. It's John Lovett. Are we on, Ben?

Yeah, we're recording. Oh, wow. Look at you. Looking great. Exciting. Exciting times ahead. Let's go. Let's fucking go, dude.

Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go, dude. LFG, dude. I went to Hertz the other day. I was like, Let's go. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go. I went to Hertz the other day. I was like, let's go. Love Hertz. Love Hertz. The only way I can think is in commercials. My favorite sketches of all times are all commercials. Yeah, same.

You think that's Saturday Night Live. Yeah, I go. The Geico Gecko dude. best new cast member of 2006. I go, my favorite SNL episode is between the Super Bowls. During the Super Bowl, when they do Saturday Night Live in short three-minute increments is very funny. I hope the Dos Equis guy gets SNL this year. Yeah, what I do is I have my grandson um email me top 20 funniest youtube

commercials um in a video from 2007 because i don't know how to get on youtube and i just watch the budweiser frogs you can win like grammy for like uh being a comedian now do you see that or what or it's maybe it's an os? What is the new... Grammys. You can win a Best Comedy Album and shit. I thought that was already a thing. It was like a new announcement for like, I don't know, who gives a shit. For the Oscars or something? I barely care. The Grammys are giving a Best Crowd Work

Clip Award this year. There's a, yeah, Best Wigger of the Year. Best asking a guy what he does for a living and telling him he sucks ass who has the biggest shoes who's got the biggest cat who's got the best caption guy this year my vote's on rife dude yeah my vote's my vote's always right yeah no if you win a comedy grammy

they should uh bludgeon you to death with it. You should accept a comedy Grammy through the front of your skull into the base of your brain. I'm like, dude, can you believe the Geico caveman got snubbed this year? I'm like, dude. The Geico caveman should have got it. Dude, you know that little gecko writes his own bits. Well, the Affleck duck was really had a had a really good few months you know the greatest indictment of comedy is if the affleck duck could tour and was real it would sell out like massive destroy it would fucking destroy yeah if like the apple jacks

like the cinnamon stick and that apple if they could go on stage and do like a duo like bumping mics thing it would kill if there was was a Jamaican cinnamon twist that went, hey man, what you doing for a living? Yeah, and a big fat apple that hates everybody. That would make $80 million. That apple and Jamaican guy would be- Jamaican, yeah, cinnamon stick.

It would be doing a double bill with Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle at like Philly's Eagle Stadium. The old Spice guy like on the horse on the beach. He's like being interviewed by Rogan talking about aliens. As the sets revolving around him.

Yeah, the old Spice guy is winning a Peabody Award for excellence in television. Flagrant 2 has on the most interesting man in the world. If you type in like Try Not To Laugh Challenge, it's all like Super you type anyway if you type in like try not to laugh challenge it's like it's all like super bowl commercials like if you if you type in like like gracie jesus fucking damn it if you type in like try not to laugh challenge on youtube i'm i'm i'm

pretty sure the last time i clicked on it it was just the commercial where it's like yeah try not to laugh it's because people Wazzup! Wazzup! Try not to laugh. It's because people are sitting, their head is in a jar. Their head is in a fish tank. They pickled their own brain. Their legs, they type with their toes.

Yeah, because they blew off their hands in a fireworks accident. And they only speak in emojis. They use the emoji with the open mouth, like, I'm hungry, Mom. And they click that emoji. And then they just watch those commercials and then they go,

that shit got me like, yo. But you really, I'm not myself until I had a Snickers. Snickers bars. There's different people that really eat the Snickers bar themselves now.

Mom, can you turn the vice that keeps my brain inside my head? It needs to be tightened because my brain's leaking it. You guys, mom, get in here because it's liberty, liberty. Niggas, try not to laugh. I never not laugh. People that have like literally, the only way I can describe it it's like they have training wheels for their thoughts right people who think the

general fought in the army that little fucked up CGI guy that little fucked up the car insurance for the best car insurance rates in town call 1-800-GENERAL-NOW the people who are so retired they thought the general was in afghanistan yeah with norman schwartzkopf stepping off of a helicopter and sniping an iraqi child yeah did you guys see that uh tiktok where like every teacher's like yeah every seventh grade

student reads it like a first grade level. Yeah. If they can read that. I don't know what teachers are doing now anymore. Oh, no. It's funny. I've seen this like four times this week of its different TikToks and teachers being like, so my brightest student, my brightest student is dead because he's so retarded. Yeah. He ate a bunch of gum and choked on it.

Teachers exist to get shot. Yeah. They're just fodder. Third period is just breathing. No. You go to third period and remember to breathe. We're going to work on in and out. Teachers are grading bullet wounds now.

Your homework is you walk to the front of class and they go, okay, that's three in the lung one in the leg and that's a b minus the only like bright side of all this is kids are eventually going to become too retarded to know how to load the gun yeah and point it and shoot it we are going to have our first school shooter where he points the gun at himself like daffy duck and blows his own head off yeah he made free pointing an ak-47 well soon the kids will be so fat though they'll they won't want to leave the bowling alley let's be like should we even go shoot the school oven they got so much pizza here too bad to even go finish the job too bad to be a school shooter yeah it's gonna be a guy yeah he's gonna kick in the cafeteria door and try to

pull the trigger but his finger can't fit in the trigger guys he's too fat guy duct taping of uh brett 50 cal to his rascal scooter yeah he runs out of battery he's just like who cares gives a fuck he's yeah he's just like mo he fucking motors over to the cops just shoot me please i have no future my brain's made out of plastic no they say like i i saw a tiktok where they're like yeah are my best eighth grade student is reading at a third grade level but all those kids can they all know the general theme song yeah yeah call 8ate 1-800-GENERAL-NOW! See, Devin's a former retard. Dude drank soda and sat on his couch.

Sealy Serta mattresses, the mattress guy. See, Devin knows all of them, but he can only name like 12 capitals in the United States. There's been a couple shooters that have walked through a school or a mall. They're just like, your mattress is free! Well, that's their MK trigger.

They saw that commercial and they just stood up and went, you must kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia! Yeah, there's shooters who saw the 1-800-EMPIRE commercial and they're like, that looks like my grandpa who molested me. They go, I'm going to go bomb a government building. Yeah, they go to their mom. Mom, can I shoot up my school today? They go, now, Eric, I think some other students might have wanted to shoot up the school today.

But I really want to. I really want to shoot up the school, though. No, no, we're going to eat jujubes. I like that because they look like bullets. I like jujubes I like that because they look like bullets I like jujubes And Rolo, they look like bullets I like Rolo They look like bullets And I shove jujubes up my pee-ho

That's Eric Eric, you don't shove the jujubes How many times have I told you? Your penis is not a straw. For mouth. For mouth, not for penis hole. All right, Eric, you can shoot up the school if you do, if you make your bet.

I can't do it. I told you, I'm too retarded. Every time I try to make my bed i get caught i get caught underneath the covers and almost die he just gets like that he tries to make the bed and he gets a vacuum sealed under the fucking the cover eventually the guy with down syndrome is going to be the smartest kid in school like you're hoping your kid has trisotomy 21 or whatever yeah special ed and gifted and talented are just gonna switch labels outside the it's like horseshoe theory kind of yeah the principal's gonna walk up and like grab the fucking signs off either door and just switch

them be like who gives a shit kids are so fucked he's like lemonade stands for mike's hard lemonade yeah no dude teachers can't spell their own names no no you. You're lucky now if your kid's born retarded. That's the smartest they could be. If you have a kid and you send them to a public school, you're like, hey, you're going to get educated by whoever's willing to make $20,000 a year in America. Yeah, my friend just landed in Japan and he texted me. He goes, oh, we live in a third world country. I didn't know that.

They kind of like, it was like a 25 year like long play here where they were like you know like we had no idea what was going on yeah we just don't know what we live in anymore yeah like i mean i told you like we my wife and i avoid certain supermarkets because we think they're gonna get bad energy yeah yeah but that's like like what do i live in the kandahar valley like am i gonna crawl i'm eventually i'm gonna be like a it's like, what do I live in the Kandahar Valley? Like, am I going to crawl? Eventually, I'm going to be like, it's like trench warfare. I'm trying to go get eggs. Yeah, it will be like that.

Well, that's the beauty. Two months ago, we had to duck because some guys were running around with machine guns. And we still went to Taco Bell. We kept driving forward. We didn't turn around and go home. I think still went to Taco Bell. We kept driving forward. We didn't go home. We didn't turn around and go home. I think we went to Chili's. We went around, guys. It was like a no country for old men.

They were running around with machine guns and stuff. Like when they kill them at the end in the motel. We drove around and then pulled into a Chili's. Here's how you know America's. And I ate a lot. It didn't fuck up my appetite at all. Here's how you know America's... And I ate a lot. It didn't fuck up my appetite at all. Here's how you know America's fucked up is we almost got shot. We went to a Chili's and then we came back and recorded another app and we just talked about the Chili's.

We finished the app and go, oh, we forgot to talk about the shooting we were almost in. Yeah. One of those guys had a tech dine, by the way. Very cool. Yeah. It's as high as he can count yeah anyway there's no way in hell i'm home i'm homeschooling my kid no way my kid's gonna go so you can just make it retarded socially yeah mentally yeah homeschooling fucks him up dude yeah but then you got the kid that's like playing with bugs yeah yeah it shoots up

its home kid that's like obsessed with soil yeah kid who goes to college for the first time he's like did you know um dolphins actually breathe air yeah and then he just gets like fucking where me project by fucking water polo players at the university of arizona yeah my my kid just comes back with like all of his like limbs gone yeah Just rolls back home. They ripped my legs and my arms off. They ripped my legs because I only socialized with you and your retarded podcast. The best outcome now is like

for the next generation is you survive a shooting or a rape. By the way, I saw a woman. I'm trying to think who it was. Brittany Griner. Yeah, it was. It was, you know, every... Brittany Griner.

Yeah, it was Brittany Griner. It was Caitlyn Jr. Every woman always, they always have like a cause. You know, Patrice had that great line, like a white woman's always trying to save something. White women, especially when they're very pretty and they're married to like a famous person or like a famous athlete, they always...

Oh, yeah, yeah. they always have a thing. You can tell they picked it because it's part of their brand. They're very focused on the environment or this or that. I saw a woman, I think it was she's married to a golfer. She's very hot.

Her thing in her Instagram bio was to end bullying. I'm like, that's the worst. But that's the worst thing in schools. End sadness. Let's end crying. It's better when it's vague,

or just broad, as opposed to hyper-specific, where they'll get like, protect Puerto Rican skydivers. Like, what? That's a thing? Where'd you get that from? What the hell are you talking about?

No, because there are... I do remember I was golfing in a charity golf tournament one time, and it was, like, for this kid who died, and it was really sad, and then it was every hole... What is she doing? She's ripping up one of the baby toys.

Piece of shit. Well, that's a great... You're really asking to be put down once this baby's born. She's, like, leaving you signs to kill her. Yeah, yeah. We're going to have you put down, Gracie. All over the house.

We're going to have your ass injected with like... Charity golf tournaments. What do they raise money for? Like hoods? We're raising money for robes. We ran out of gasoline for our crosses this year. By the way, we should Rosemary Kennedy Gracie, like lobotomize her and keep her in a cage.

You shouldn't put her down. You should put her in a prison of her own brain. It would be too mean to euthanize her. Let's instead make her body into a jail cell. I think her ass is too big to lethally inject. You should kill her first off.

But then you should mount you should mount her ass like it's a deer head just that okay but sorry go on jace this stupid fucking dog no it was uh it was just very funny because nobody the entire golf tournament nobody could figure out what the kid died from that they started it's a memorial right it was a memorial it was like you know the the grace and frankie you know memorial there was only an isle there was only an isle memorial and i remember it was like every hole like we'd walk up to like a new group because it was like for this firework up i worked at and they'd be like they got it's a great day and they're like what's this um what that kid what are we raising money for and they're like like, ah, some weird type of cancer.

I don't know. I don't know. It's like called like myocarditis or something. And then I swear to God, by the 15th hole, there was a guy being like, I don't know what it is. He goes, honestly,

this money's going to waste. Only like three people get it a year. So it's like, who gives a shit? He goes, but did you see the back nine? Green is hell. I've never understood charities.

Like, just give the money. Why do they always make you go through a whole song and dance? Like, why do you got to play golf? Just give the money. Like, they act like if you don't play golf well, like, the kid dies. Right. Like, we could just give, like, here's $100. And they're like, no, you have to go.

Just go do it. You have to go listen to your boss tell Chinese guy jokes. He only has, like, 36 hours left to live, but we have to finish this game and decide. It would be funny if you showed up. You're like, thank you for everyone for making the memorial. I will be letting you know. If you don't shoot at least a 68 today, we will be killing the remainder of people that have this disease. The stakes are very high today, so I hope you brought your game.

Thanks for all your money however one of the kids said he will be committing suicide yeah this is squid games motherfucker if he does not see a 67 today yeah it's like you know that kid when the babe ruth met the kid and he asked him for two home runs well it's that but the kid's threatening to kill himself oh what was what's the story with babe ruth what was it yeah the famous story where babe ruth goes and he meets like a kid like with fucking rickets or whatever yeah because in like the 30s they just died from you know like not eating carrots yeah their legs were just like made of wood it's a kid with like like fucking like walrus fucking snout legs he has pinocchio syndrome yeah and babe ruth met the kid and he's like

he's like hey how about i hit a home run for you tomorrow and the kid's like mr ruth if you want me to get better why don't you hit i need you to hit two home runs and baby's like oh you fucking piece of shit fuck you baby's like don't push it yeah baby's like i mean there was cameras there so baby's like sure and then he's leaving like little bitch yeah fucking retard kid fuck you mental retard fuck two home runs bitch i love fuck your ass i love babe ruth because he looked like alex jones but he was really good at baseball yeah no he really did look like a black white guy he really did he looks like that troy acheman jay-z combo yeah went viral there's a rumor

that he was black you know well he was pretty good it's a sport yeah babe ruth was when he was playing there was a bunch of people who refused to play against him because they claimed he was black like he was an albino black guy no that he was just a very light-skinned black guy yeah yeah interesting but he was just an ugly italian man he's really fat though right yeah white people can be fat oh sure i've seen plenty they're actually very good at it i tip my cap to you sir my cap it's the only people i've seen get fat on the back of their head good sir no that's not true we were studying a guy at the diner just before this where we were like look at the back of this guy's he's not black though yeah so to be fair i said he's so fat that he got black fat on the back he got the he got the card machine the swiper he got the the type

of fat you see at six flags the aau basketball coach neck his head looks like those uh you know those uh like viral reels where there's a hydraulic press and it's crushing something it looks like his head is in one of those things he looked like when you put a basketball in a hydraulic press it was crazy he looked like one of those retarded kids that parents leave on tiktok live yeah that's how swollen his head and neck were yeah yeah i love that we classify all the by the way like we walk in we go cushing syndrome 11 11 o'clock we go way ahead i already saw him skinny legs skinny arms huge belly got it can i tell you by the way i didn't point this out to you because we were

checking out but there was a guy in the table next to us i thought he was retarded because i heard him talking and i didn't want to i didn't want to point him out because i knew you were going to pull out like a big cutlass and just like you're going to pull out like a fucking nfl camera and start playing fucking retarded pokemon go like you do you play fat and retarded pokemon go you just take pictures of them in the wild i it really it's just like bird watching is just i got into bird watching after people watch yeah basically you do turd watching is what you do yeah so there was a guy i thought he was mentally retired i didn't point him out and then um i looked again while we were leaving and he was just really jewish he was so jewish that he sounded

like he had down syndrome yeah that's fair yeah Sometimes the Jewish guys, they can start to sound like, you know, because it's a lot of sneezing and coughing. You always have a cold. Because it's like retarded people. They always have their hands in their mouths. They're just sick all the time. Their cells are complaining at all times.

Oh, man. But anyway, I saw this lady and I was like you're you're you're big thing that you you look at schools and you go you know we can make schools a better place if we stop name calling we stop like you know in too many schools nowadays these kids are like giving each other swirlies they're calling each other gay like we need to stop which i which i love those superficial like white charities where it's like hey don't worry we end ended bullying at your school and they go okay is my mom still on crack and my drinking water's full of land they go yes but no one's calling you gay okay but i still can't like feel my arms because of the stuff in

my water so just wait so does the air still make me sick when i use it to breathe they go yes but no people don't say retard anymore yeah we got people to stop saying retard we got people to stop saying retard most of the children in your neighborhood are retarded because of all the uh all the sulfite that's in your but we ended in your breath you still need to use wd-40 on your hands to move, but we ended bullying. Your parents still make $5 a year getting shot by the police

for a living. Honestly, that's the worst job. Your parents go to the getting shot by the cops factory. Yeah, you have a big punch sheet. You put it in, you clock in, you immediately get domed in the back of the back yeah and you go into the hospital hey but we gotta we gotta make news somehow you know yeah yeah i mean

they're gonna make stretch limousine ambulances of it like in chicago it'll be like an ambulance that can take 4 000 people we're gonna have we're gonna have ambulances that are just cement mixers like they turn they turn the bodies so they don't get all congealed together from dry blood they're throwing them in the back throwing them in the back so they just tumble around so they don't get and then when they pour them out they're like all right who's still moving they're like these three people it's like okay shoot them in the back of the head yeah and that's the hospital now do you guys have like your spot picked out for when like shit hits the fan when no i don't it's bad. You think about that a lot. I just don't.

I don't know if I think about it that much. I'm so nihilistic, I don't even care about that happening at the end times. I could see Devin, the nuclear, he's going to finally bite the big one, and he sees it coming down like a meteor through the atmosphere. And I could see Devin doing a U-turn on Santa Monica Boulevard and heading straight toward it. Devin's like, i want the big one to like land directly i want to get there first yeah you're like it's for me actually it's all mine it's all mine yeah he's driving towards the meter like like randy quaid the worst part about dying in like a nuclear attack

would be like sharing my death with all the other retards. That is what's annoying about it when I think about it. It would be hilarious if there was a nuclear bomb that went off and you're the one guy to die. They got one casualty. They show you on the news and you're just some asshole at a bar.

They have a shitty picture of you. They have a really shitty Stephen Paddock photo of you with your eyes closed. They're sayingussia only hit this man echo parks devon costa like a start in my head yeah he was yeah luckily the nuke didn't go off it did kill this man who was driving to temecula to get dean norris's barbecue and it hit him on the fucking 134 he survived by two patreons yeah the families will need to divide his patrons

according to his will his will which was dictated to a drunk man at a union station bar onto a cocktail napkin his will his will which was dictated to a retarded man at a Union Station bar named Slippin' Jimmy. Oh, God. You have to say publicly, by the way, right now, if you die that your dad doesn't get your cut of this Patreon. You have to publicly say that right now.

I publicly say, Dad, you don't get anything. Thank you. Not a piece for you. Thank you. And I've publicly said to you, if I die or kill myself, that you should just split the patreon amongst yourselves as we would as we wouldn't give it to your girlfriend at all no as you shouldn't she doesn't contribute to these yeah she wasn't in the gym yeah she wasn't gooning out before this was she was she ruining the rest of her career prospects after this podcast was Was she brutally miserable for 33 years? No, I think not.

Did she shit herself at Boy Scout camp? Mm-mm. No, ma'am. No, sir. So she does not get a share of this money. Mm-mm. I do have, speaking of golfers' wives, I saw Brooke kept... Don't lick my fucking elbow.

We should start closing the door because I am close to kicking her. I know. It's starting to actually piss me off. She's the only dog I've ever wanted to smush her face. We just have like the same moment every episode where we go,

oh, big, dumb, fat Gracie did a thing. I just hate it when you don't even know she's there and she just walks. She walks 30 feet up to you to lick the back of your elbow without seeing you. I think you're getting robbed by a pervert. No, I was going to say, speaking of golfers.

We'll watch the machine after this and take turns punching her in the face. We are going to finally watch the machine after this. We actually are, by the way. I'm so excited. This is how sad our lives are. We promised ourselves we finally watch The Machine after this, by the way. We actually are, by the way. I'm so excited. This is how sad our lives are. We promised ourselves we would watch The Machine. Together. Together.

We had to save it, and then we forgot, and then Katie reminded us. We go, oh, dude, fuck. We forgot the Super Bowl was tonight. Well, since we don't drink, especially, this like our wine that we haven't uncorked yet. We've been saving it. It's our jankum. Yeah, and it's just as healthy for the human body as a severe drinking.

Don't lick my fucking leg. That sucks. But she loves you. I was going to say, speaking of golfers' wives, I was loving the Ryder Cup happened this week. Oh, yeah. We got our ass beat by Europe. Yeah, American golfers were crying.

They got beat so bad. Scotty Scheffler was crying. He got beat nine and seven. That's great. Yeah. It's really good, actually. Yeah, which is the gayest thing you could do. But it's cry on the golf course.

You got beat. Do we usually dominate golf? The Ryder Cup always goes back and forth, but we got our asses royally whipped this year by the European. Apparently, the American players were complaining they weren't getting paid to be in the Ryder Cup, forth but we got our asses royally whipped this year by the european the apparently the american players were complaining they weren't getting paid to be in the rider cup and they didn't care about like actually representing the united states all this i don't know if this is actual rumor or not but uh they're all a bunch of like babies who just want to make millions of dollars a lot of

them a lot of the american players and they don't care about representing their country at all which i guess why would they i guess you know sure why don't they give a shit but the europeans are they yeah they're really into it and they really want to win and they came together as a team and like actually gave a shit and just whooped the americans right and then go and then go back to living in florida yeah they also they all live here they all go back to windermere florida yeah where they live in a 30 million dollar house and they all live here they all go back to windermere florida yeah where they live in a 30 million dollar house and they all eat barbecue fucking their american wife who looks insane yeah and then once every two years they go no fucking island this place i did this piece of shit i didn't leave immediately yeah yeah that sucks the rudder cup's actually gay it used to

be cool it's gay but i do love they feature the wives in the writer cup the players wives and it's funny to see them every year get more insane looking brooks kapsko wife looks like a greyhound with a tit job it's like it's like insane they get more macy and get bigger tit jobs every year they should do uh they should do like a writer cup but it's the democrats versus republicans and there's just there's there's just one black guy on the democrats yeah and it's not and it's not tiger tiger said i climbed the ladder and that'll be it thank you very much cameron champ who's cameron champ cameron Cameron Champ? Cameron Champ is literally a white guy who identifies as an African-American on the PGA Tour.

I'll show you a picture of him. He's like logic, kind of? He is the logic of the PGA Tour. His dad is very black, though. It's his grandpa. Come on. Oh, his grandpa's very black. He got raised by his grandpa, who's black, and so he thinks he's African-American.

This is his grandpa right here. Here, I'll show you. What, did he hire that guy? I know. His grandpa looks like Earl Burnside, and he looks like a Duke lacrosse rapist. This is my grandfather, Bagger Vance. He's super into BLM, and he talks about being an African-American all the time. Isn't that amazing?

I mean, I would, too, if I had it. His hair's a little curly. Oh, come on, Devin. You can't give it up for that. Come on. There's black guys that get the white end of the stick. You think that's a black guy? Yeah, if that's his fucking family, that guy was black as hell.

Unless he hired the guy. He's black. This is grandpa. He just looks white. I guess if you kind of look at him long enough, he kind of starts turning into a black guy. Yeah. If you squint your eyes.

You gotta be. You gotta. You have to act like proud and shit. He's like one of those magic eye posters for being black. Yeah. You have to look through him and you can see it. Yeah. I mean, he's got black ears, actually, the more I look at his ear.

Yeah. Yeah. It looks like a black ear. Right. His hair's a little wavy. Yeah, but Jews have wavy hair, and we don't call them African American. Yeah. Well, that's because they'd kill us if we did, but they probably have it in them.

Yeah, I don't know. He looks fine to me. He looks black enough. He looks like one of those, like, nougaty black guys. Nougaty. Chris Rock had a whole bit on, like, nougaty black enough. He looks like one of those new giddy black guys. New giddy. Chris Rock had a whole bit on new giddy black guys. Let me clear up the word I'm saying.

That's his family? That's a black guy. His family is very black. They look so black, they look like they kill gay people in Haiti and shit. They look like they wake up just beating gay children. His parents do look like boat black people, to be fair. I mean, if he said, I mean, then, then, you know, the guy who wrote, what's his name? Serve beer in hell. What's that guy?

Tucker Max. Yeah, then Tucker Max is it. I mean, this guy is literally like, this is like the head of a frat right here. Yeah. But you can't deny his heritage, Ben. You're damn right I can. He's tall. Hey, Devin, I do it all the time.

He's tall and big. Here we go. To be fair, his granddad does look like R.L. Burnside. Yeah, his granddad is like... I wonder if he has any relation to Vince Champ. My favorite comedian. My favorite comedian, yep. He'd do a tight five in the bushes with you.

Let the people at home know who Vince Champ is. Vince Champ was a famed college comedian who was also a rapist. And he would, like, after sets at the college wait in the bushes and rape people. Rape women. A lot of people are into comedy just for the pussy. There he is. There's Vince Champ.

It's him right here. What a king. It's so funny. There's just a bunch of pictures of black people that are coming up on Google Images that aren't him. Google's so racist sometimes this is him there he is yeah that's him right what's his stand-up black vince oh it's great oh did he do like he did very clean comedy right now he do he do like you know like white people rape like this black people rape like that we're hot tonight we're hot tonight. We're hot tonight.

Great crowd, great crowd. I'd love to rape some of you in a dumpster. He goes, can you kill the lights? Dead note down way low. Put the lights a little lower. I'm going to sneak into the crowd. Way, way low. Push that button all the way down. Who here's had too much to drink tonight?

All right. I'll see you in the parking lot. I right away kind of consider myself quite different from most black comedians because I have a black girlfriend. I'm a rapist. So, you know, I am. Wait, what did he do? Like a Boo Radley joke out of the gate? What was that?

I don't know. Comedians because I have a black girlfriend. So, you know, I am. Oh, he's making black comics of white girlfriends. Very good. That's pretty ahead of the times, honestly. I've seen enough. And also being a rapist pretty ahead of white girlfriends. Very good. That's pretty ahead of the times, honestly. I've seen enough. And also being a rapist

pretty ahead of the times. All he needed to do was wait. I know. And he could have had a whole army behind him these days. I wish Trump

would have pardoned him. Because all anyone does now is rape. That's true, yeah. Yeah, he actually opened for Cosby back in the day. He's Cosby's protege. It's still the best.

Cosby walking out of court getting proved innocent. He's doing like the... I mean, you can't say like shuck and jive because that's a bad thing. But he's doing like the... He did the one where he like juked fake. Yeah, juked his head back.

And there was another time he was walking out of court. I think it was when he was proven innocent. Not proven innocent. When he was found guilty. And he walked out of court and he went and they're like they're like mr cosby mr cosby what did you write those women he goes hey he goes hey and then every reporter just goes dead because they're like i don't it seems very gross and disgusting yeah yeah i don't know if Cosby did it or not jury's still out I never really like formed an opinion

on it whether he did it I mean he definitely did it but I still haven't like formed an opinion for sure but I'm trying to form an opinion on it yeah my opinion's not done yet yeah yeah he definitely did it he did it but they were asleep

they can't remember what happened hey listen it is the nicest way to go about it when I'm asleep you could do anything if you leave my house

you come in make yourself eggs watch TV shower you leave I don't know you were there I'm not gonna

did you break and enter would you would you feel violated if I fucked you while you were asleep no it's if a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to hear i'm not conscious yeah i guess you're right you know if a woman gets raped in the woods and nobody's alive to see it anymore yeah you know yeah i guess that's fair but what if the dreams that these people were having were

more of a nightmare than the what cosby was doing that's good point what if that was not even the worst thing happening that night? In their mind. Have you ever had a dream? We already ruined the first episode by defending this too much. We're trying to make sure this one stays on YouTube.

I've been doing a running gag on Hatewatch though and I'll do it here too. There are a lot of stories that are going to come out about me. Anyway, let's move on. You're doing a Russell russell brand i don't want people to be shocked you're doing a russell brand moving hard all right because you know some like things are coming out no there's so many stories i get dms all the time people tag me in stories all the time will you fucking stop i don't want to be she literally as well she won't stop licking as you push her head away. She's like the Cosby of dogs.

She's raping you. She won't take no for an answer. You're getting raped by a dog. Gracie, stop. It's actually hard. Stop. It's hard to watch. Maybe you're so stinky she's licking.

Stop it. She's trying to lick the stink off of you. I did take a fat shit before we recorded, so that could be it. So she's licking. Stop. She thinks you smell like shit. it stop she literally won't stop it's okay though you just gotta tell her no

and then she doesn't listen would you guys get mad or actually let me rephrase this have you guys ever had a dream where you're getting raped yes actually I don't think I have I've never had a dream where I've raped anyone either

these people I can have like the worst dream of all time I wake up I shake it right off okay you do I shake it right off

you just like a dog out of a bath I don't have time to think about awful things anymore I'm moving right on I'm gonna stuff my face I'm gonna have a drink

have a coffee I'm gonna go talk some shit I don't care about like identifying the bad things happening to me. Yeah. You know? Devin opened up a whole new world to me this past week. People focus on these things too much. Devin took me out to the bar like five days ago.

Oh, you relapsed? Congrats. No, I didn't relapse, but we had one hell of a time. We had a great time, and this Guatemalan man kept trying to fuck us. He was drunk. Yeah, we got attacked by a little fat... It looks like the kid from Up, but he was Guatemalan, and he kept asking for coquina. And then he would try to fuck us.

He looked like his parents were Home Depot. He looked like every guy you see at Home Depot, like in the parking lot. And he really wanted to fuck Ben. He was a day laborer who wanted to suck us all up. Yeah, you drive past Home Depot, you're like, I need two guys to fuck,

two guys. Señor, suck your balls. And they go, Cocana? Cocana. And they go, no cocaine, just gonna fuck you.

Ah, fuck. I'll fuck you, médico. Médico. He did keep saying that, too. Give us a maricón. He kept calling us Marie Cones and then saying muy bonita

so he was like he was like a hate like he hated himself for being gay but he still wanted to fuck us he's like a midget too it was very strange and his he was the kind of I love the day laborer guys because they only they only can wear shirts in one size it's just you go to a store and it says like small medium large XL and then

day laborer like they're only allowed to wear one shirt and they keep pulling it down over their punch. Day laborers and kids with Down syndrome have the exact same fit of shirts for some reason. They don't make them in any other sizes for some reason. They have the sleeves that are all fucked where it looks like football pads. Somehow not a single piece of the shirt fits their body. Not even by accident. And they're small. They're small, but it's coming up on

his belly. So he keeps pulling his belly down and then he has, again, a brand of a phone I've never seen in my life. Yes, and he's wearing a shirt for a sports team that doesn't exist. He was? I don't know. It's always like a made-up, long, like the nba team

on a different planet yeah he's repping the monsters yeah but he kept trying to suck us all off the whole time he literally at one point felt like his head he fell asleep on connor's like dick like his head like rested on connor's lap That's a complete fake fall. He's like, oh, I'm so sleepy. I just fall asleep on your penis. But he kept saying like, muy bonito, Marco. And he would chase me and I would go, mucho bien. Mucho bien. Mucho bien.

Just running away from this tiny. He was a gay baby. baby well he wandered obviously he got abandoned by whoever he was smoking crack and fucking whatever yeah and he walked over to us and he was a gringo i love a gringo ass he just like kept trying to fuck he might have just walked out of the kitchen and tried to fuck you guys. He might have got fired from his kitchen job for smoking too much crank. He was like, I go fuck these gringos. Devin told me that there's all these day laborers that smoke a bunch of crack. And then they're in a foreign country, so they don't know where they are anymore.

And then eventually, I think someone just picks them up with a big shovel and then puts him in the back of a truck and then takes him to a place. What? I think you told me it's a thing where they get like fucked up and then they're lost and they don't know what's going on. And they're just like cooking. And they just like, they like start panicking. They don't know who they are anymore. They just wander around a city. They don't know what country they're in.

They're just, they start trying to suck people off. Yeah. This is what you told me happens. I don't know why you are anymore. They just wander around a city. They don't know what country they're in. They start trying to suck people off. Yeah. This is what you told me happens. I don't know why you're throwing this on me. You told me this. I didn't say that. I'm telling you. I don't even know what you just meant.

You told me it's like a really fucked up thing where day laborers, they come over here and then they lose their group and they can't speak any English and then they start smoking crack and living on the street. What? This is what you told me. This is what you told me. This is what you told me. No, I didn't. There's a difference between Devin when he's nine beers deep and then Devin when he's stone cold sober.

What you just said didn't even make any fucking sense. It makes perfect sense. I told you. Okay, how about you in Japan? If you're in Japan, you get lost. You can't speak fucking Japanese. You're going to walk around and start asking girls if you can eat their pussy

your solution is to smoke crack and try to fuck yes to fit in with the locals I wanna fuck Shinzo Abe where is where's the president I'm building a gun made out of soda bottles

like where's the bullet train I definitely I don't even know what that meant I'm building a gun made out of soda bottles. Where's the bullet train? I definitely, I don't even know what that meant. I don't even know what you just said. You really, that's what, I'm going to start calling you. You really are a grenade launcher. You're a dry drunk. Where's my phone? You had a drunk night sober.

Hold on. And you started thinking of this whole idea where like Mexican guys like lose their pack. First off, like coyotes. Hold on. And then they start smoking crack. Hold on. And you started thinking of this whole idea where, like, Mexican guys, like, lose their pack. First off, like coyotes. Hold on. And then they start smoking crack. Hold on. And then people shovel them into a car. I'm calling Connor, and he's going to back me up on this.

What's up, buddy? Hey, buddy, I'm sorry to do this, but you're on Lemon Party right now. This is Connor McKnight, everyone. Didn't you tell me with that gay little, like, Guatemalan baby who was trying to suck us all off and smoke crack? Didn't you tell me that day laborers like they get all fucked up in foreign countries? They don't know where they are anymore and they like live on the street and stuff. Oh, my God.

This is so incriminating. Hey, Connor, didn't you say a really hateful thing about a racial group? I know you've heard of thousands of people. Go ahead. Well, I'm allowing you to speak. Go ahead. No, that's exactly what I said. All right, bye.

Was I even close? Did you tell me that or did Devin? When I lived in New York, I would just see it all the time where you just see these dudes who were clearly working all day get abandoned by everyone they were with. And I saw dudes get picked up by EMTs from bodegas. Oh, yeah, you told me a guy, he drank 17 beers in a bodega and there was a cat crawling over him.

And EMTs just dragged him out by the boots. They're like, yeah, he's been in there for seven hours. He's scared to go outside. And he's in full work gear. It's like he's dirty from the day, and he's literally leaving a bodega on a stretcher. He's high from the paint stains on his pants. Yes, and it's like how they kill people in Scandinavia where they take that guy to the bay and they put him on a boat

and they just push him out into the ocean. They use him to celebrate a new ship they built and if he doesn't explode on the side of it like a bottle of champagne. They build Manhattan out of those guys. You know what's so insane about this is I'm in the car with Valerie right now. Oh, hi, Valerie. You called to ask this question. Who is Mexican?

So she can vouch. She can vouch. Mucho bien. Mucho bien. I'm really glad you called Connor cause Ben for the last like five minutes was like Devin didn't you tell me that there's all these Mexican guys

that pass out and then people take shovels and they throw them in the back of a truck and they force them to suck their dick and do cocaine and smoke crack and I'm like what are you fucking talking about no no no no Connor said that I didn't he just went and smoke crack. And I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? Connor said that.

I didn't. He just went straight to you. Okay, mucho bien. Thank you, Connor. We'll leave you to your date night with Valerie. Valerie, you and Katie have to hang out soon and be evil together. Yeah, it's going to happen. All right.

See you. Bye, guys. That's a first. You called somebody on the podcast to do a hate crime to them. We just start calling around people like, didn't you scream the N-word last night? Who else should we do that to? No, it's not.

Who else should we do that to? No, it's not. Let me check my phone. Let me see. Hey, we could do that to my friend Aaron. He has tenure. I could call him. Did you, like, remember yesterday when you called me?

You can get he has tenure. I get called. They're like, remember yesterday? Okay. You can get fired. I don't want to be the first person to get a tenure. Professor fire. That would be hilarious. Yeah. Get tenure to be unfireable. And that's it's being the Titanic and going down. Yeah.

Having tenure and still get that a universe that a universe is like, fuck a union. We don't care. We'll pay a million dollars to fire. That's totally a Randy Marsh situation where you get tenure and the next day you have your dick out in class. No, Randy Marsh would get tenure and be upset he can't get fired because he wanted to get unemployment. That's good. That's good. Yeah, they don't even give people tenure anymore because we live in a

uh we live in the matrix very good do they not give people dude you're like a modern day philosopher i don't even dude i don't even call the matrix a movie i call it a documentary dude by my friends by friend my friend his uh wife's dad started texting her that he found out he goes hey uh have you heard about uh andrew tate oh boy and she was like yeah i've heard about him and he was like yeah he like knows pretty much that we all like live in like a matrix society and that like we're being lied to. He makes a lot of good points. You should look

him up. Knowing that his daughter is an environmentalist, vegan. He doesn't have the vocabulary. Hey, honey, have you heard of Andrew Tate? He's like, I'm starting to think I should have raped you growing up. That's how you know

we're entering a real loser society when dads need to figure out how to get pussy online. Yeah, 57 year old man. 57 year old dads are looking at their loving wife who they raised a family with and they're like, she's a fucking bitch. That's how you know how fucked we are when 57 year old men and

seven year old boys are both finding out about the same guy and they're like he's fucking sick he's awesome he's awesome he'll teach me

how to camp he's just superhero it's superheroes for virgins that's all it is it's like you're sitting on the floor you have like

a Jordan Peterson doll and like an Andrew Tate doll yeah yeah yeah yeah I fuck trainees and they know fuck daggers actually and yeah fuck them all. You go, here comes the blue-haired liberal girl.

Flying down. You go, slice your head off. Here comes the woman we made up for the purpose of our argument. And then here's Donald Trump right here. And he's, ooh, ooh, shoot, he's going down into the tunnel. And he's rescuing all the kids. Sweet. Fucking losers. He's rescuing all the kids sweet fucking losers yeah he's rescuing

all the other kids who are victim of pedophiles also i want to fuck 14 year old kids i do love the overlay of like guys who are into the sound of freedom and also currently raping 14 year old women yeah yeah i would love now that i think about i would love to have a really fat like trump action figure though and i would play with it my and i would do the one of my jobs the guy had a trump action figure this guy this guy made like 250 grand a year and like literally dude like put security systems in like usc buildings and then he'd come back with his trump flag and his trump tie and his trump socks and he would have like a trump necklace and a trump action figure oh no like Trump socks. And he would have like a Trump necklace. And a Trump action figure.

Oh no. Like on his desk. And he would just be like. Yeah we just sold another million dollar job. Saw a fucking tranny though. Yeah we sold a job. I don't know if I want to take it. It would make me a million dollars.

But they're doing gender neutral bathrooms. And I think that's a cancer on this country. Yeah my life rules. i'm and i'm mentally insane because yeah my life rules i have a loving family i make a million dollars a year but i've gone mentally insane because of liberals yeah it's like just like this is like root on the packers i know just put it get a cheese head i know just be like a dolphins fan you know yeah just uh boy dude can you believe yes i'll hunt every time anything every time yes i'll believe anything just stop it can you believe yes i can and i'm not and move the fuck and i'm not checking out anything you tell me to check out. What is wrong with you, by the way, if you don't just watch sports now?

What the fuck is wrong with your mental retard brain? Because they got all political. Yes, sports are all political. Well, they kind of are odd. See a guy score a touchdown, he runs into the end racism zone. Like, okay, this is pretty gay. I guess you're kind of right. It's pretty retarded. which is very funny they run into

the like protect women zone and then punch their wife in the stands and then get like no suspension whatsoever yeah I mean the Clippers just hired a guy who like fucking pulled a bow finger and just showed his dick to the Laker girls did they like five times yeah the Clippers just

hired a guy who played on the Spurs and he showed his dick to like 10 employees and the spurs fired him in the clippers they're gonna need to start giving athletes like uh like domestic abuse tenure where like they're allowed to do it right as long as they don't kill them you do you do whatever you want you can turn them into like those uh troglodytes and bone tomahawk you can cut off all their legs and turn them into like a waifu pillow. But you can't kill him. You do whatever you want. Because we need Urias on the Dodgers right now.

Yeah. We need him. We need him pitching. But unfortunately, he beat the fuck out of his wife in public. Is he still playing now? No, no. He's done forever. Trevor Bauer, too.

Same thing. Yeah. God damn it. done forever. Trevor Bauer, too. Same thing. Yeah. God damn it. And they do it in public, too. They beat the shit out of these people, like, at the mall. Yeah. Trevor Bauer was at, like, the messy game, like, just throwing baseballs at his wife's head. Throwing sliders up his wife's pussy.

Yeah. It was, like, on camera, apparently. He threw a slider up her pussy. Yeah, dude. Fucking 98 outside. Backdoor pussy slider. Yeah. There's there's like an ump standing behind her yeah dude wearing his wearing his fucking wonky eye was he actually on camera hitting uh i think he did do it at an mls game like the messy game and he was just like beating her with a sombrero or something

how do you start beating your wife do Do you start with like spitting? Very carefully. It's like an old hack joke. Do you jump right into just beating the shit out of her or do you start like spitting in her face? I think you start off with like little flicks on the knee. You go, fucking move. And that escalates to like... And then like three weeks later,

it's like, fucking move. Like full-blown fist. I think I would start with the classic like she's getting up to go get something in the kitchen and i put my leg out trip her and i trip her in the living room yeah she eats shit i would low tower my wife i'd bring another husband in to crouch behind her yeah i'd pants my wife pull her pants up and your big stupid ass is hanging out dumb ass big stupid ass i don't even want to fuck it. Dumb whore.

If I get my wife swirlies. Yeah. Wedgies. If you want to really like you could just trick because people can't like, you know, fetish shame you anymore. So you can convince you're like, I really want to like piss in your mouth and take a shit on your face like that would really like. And she's like, well, our marriage has kind of been on the rocks lately, so guess i'll do it and you're like yeah i just want to shit and piss on you all the time baby and this is i love you so much and this is a this is a kink yeah and you can't

kink shame me or i'm gonna cancel you yeah and you're just pissing are you like you stupid fucking bitch i hate your goddamn parents why do they come over so much fuck you you're like that's a part it's a part of the king she's like it seems like you just hate me and you're like you're being very close-minded i feel like you hate me yeah shit and piss coming out of her mouth you're like baby it's called kink and you're being very not woke right now you're being honey you're being a republican right now you're being a magtard you're being you're being very not woke right now. You're being, honey, you're being a Republican right now. You're being a magtard. You're being maga.

You're being maga because you wouldn't let me hit you with this phone book in the nose. Yeah, you're all puritanical now like Mike Pence and that lot. Oh, he's got some pictures that are supposed to come out. Mike Pence? Gay sex stuff. Really? Of him having gay

you can tell that guy's gay sucking people off for gay sex we can only hope that it's that you don't oh my lord you don't look like the bad guy from avatar without being gay yeah i'm sorry that doesn't happen but yeah we it should be coming soon that's great i hope that comes out with chris christie too he looks like he's been holding cum up his ass for the entire Trump presidency. That's why his face looks like that because he's trying to not cum out of his asshole. He's a big cartoon quirk in his ass.

Chris Christie's having an affair with a soda machine. Yeah, Chris Christie's having an affair with his own gunt. Chris Christie's been cheating on his wife with his own fupa that guy i don't think anyone's ever looked like bigger shit than him did you see the picture of his pants he looks like utter shit i know i love him so much dude

i love he's always at roy rogers he looks dude what's great about chris christie is he's fat from like the 1800s you know he looks like a picture of howard daft like nobody's fat like that yeah it kind of rules he's bathtub fat he's bathtub fat yeah like he he shifts he doesn't walk he shifts did you see his joke about donald trump he keeps tweeting his donald dot tweeting pictures of donald it's the worst thing ever yeah it's the worst thing ever the the whole all these guys trying to be funny out of nowhere just to keep up with Trump is so sad they always just try to get into memeing

and stuff it's the worst there was a guy from the house meanwhile Trump's killing it by the way he's destroying right now his best special yet has been like this week it's honestly been his best week like ever Netflix just started putting the boom boom right before I'm not kidding dude it's like literally better like this week. It's special. It's honestly been his best week ever. Netflix should start

putting the boom boom right before his speeches. I'm not kidding, dude. It's literally better than everything I've seen. Oh, he's so good. Top of the year, probably Shane Gillis

than Tron. Literally. No, he literally, he's like, what did they say? Impeach the motherfucker. Indict the motherfucker. Indict the motherfucker.

Dude, I love, he literally said motherfuckers like he was at kramer at the laugh factory it made me laugh so hard yeah i love when trump goes black yeah it's awesome yeah he was doing bits too where he's like he's like joe bennie walks up he gets done with the speech i know there's a stair right there there's a stair there i can leave he starts walking around bumble there where's he going so trump is finally get he's in his era where he's getting into act outs dude finally yeah it's like the bill burke carnegie hall special he's really evolved as a comic honestly like he's really started he's really started to eat up the space of the stage yeah

he's doing like bits he's doing voice modulation. He's doing characters. I think I love him, actually. I genuinely love him. He's great. He just started reverse. He started talking about how rich he was, then got good at comedy, as opposed to getting good at comedy, then talking about how rich he is.

And never being funny again. It's the path of every comedian, is to be really good, and then get rich, and then never say a funny thing the rest of your entire life. And just talk about how rich you are constantly. And talk about how much you grinded and shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Talk about how you work out all the time and like you fucking, you got there on your own. Yeah. And you're cool. Yeah. You're on like shit loads of pills. Yeah.

To help you do it. There was a guy from the house of representatives a democrat who um to stop a vote he pulled a fire alarm the other day oh yeah yeah that guy uh bowman yeah i think yeah i just i i think it's great i love that congress is it just it sounds like it's a big like fun house now it's turned into like a family circus cartoon yeah like it's just billy like running around the neighborhood aoc is walking up people are just called like hey let me suck your fat ass you latino whore they're just having to deal with hecklers and then they walk in and you know somebody shoots them with a paintball yeah lauren bobert's getting like fingered with that gavel yeah it's great i love it oh god bless lauren bobert all those

bitches are hot as shit by the way abby shapiro all of them i mean good lord marjorie taylor green looks like a catcher's knuckle except for her she looks like shit yeah she uh she's a rough looking she looks like she has cauliflower ear on her whole face yeah she looks like she looks like her mom's womb beat her yeah she looks like a boxer who should have retired a couple years ago. She looks like Tony Ferguson was a white lady. Yeah. I can't get enough of that Lauren Bober. God, imagine if we had the video in color. Oh, God.

It's in black and white. It's still great. I already jerked off to it. It is great footage. Great stuff. First date, just jacking off a man. Yeah, it looked like me during the first year of covid love that lady lauren motor bobert she is a delight i know god bless all these women that fucking suck and then run for congress i love that it's it's all so over that we just have

like we have like legitimate like waitress whores like in congress it's good for us by the way yeah it's very well like eventually we're gonna have to get like jobs at like chick-fil-a or something once this is all like right you know like 10 years or whatever yeah and we need to like be employable and fortunately everyone will be so insane no one will care we had a show where we said like fag and retard for like 10 years people be like so you're like the most qualified guy yeah because like well yeah that is true like if we can if we can run this another five years we'll be applying for like executive jobs at companies and be like well the other you did have a racist podcast but the other applicant did have an only fans where she fucked her dog for like three years so i think we made the right decision little do we know we're using this show

to like springboard into like a cabinet position in like seven years. Yeah, yeah. From a little tiny Fuhrer who's listening to the show currently. I would do it. Yeah. I've always kind of had a dream of running for a local,

being a psychopath. Yeah, it does seem fun, right? A guy who really terrorizes a city hall. Yeah, I would love to be like an absolute psychopathic wannabe politician that sounds so funny the floodgates are open now to look at the city and just think i've taken money out of every single person's pocket yeah it's all in mine i'd like to admit that shit too like i'll steal from all of you one day i have like a flask i'm like you're making threats right a corrupt politician but you're

making like 85 000 a year from being a piece of shit yes like it's still all small potatoes yeah yeah but you're like a little hitler of your district devin would be a great mayor but he just he wakes up every morning and he like he goes before the town hall and he just starts threatening them. The only mayor in town that instead of making promises, he makes threats. He's like, if you don't start being nice to me and thinking I'm awesome, I'm taking away water. I'm turning the water off.

You don't think I won't dam up that river up in the mountain? We won't have water. I'll turn off the water forever. You don't think I won't? I'll start a forest fire. Yeah. The first mayor to make a moderator cry because he called her a dumb fat bitch.

I'd be like, no Laker game tonight. No Laker game unless LeBron quits. Yeah. Get him off the team. Man. Well, you know, at like elon is getting cooler dude he's so cool holy shit he's so he's so fucking sick he's so fucking awesome holy fuck did you see he shot that sniper rifle yeah oh. Oh, my God.

And he was wearing a gamer shirt. That's so cool. That picture of him at the border with his cowboy hat on. Dude. Looking like he's getting sucked off at a truck stop. Like POV sucking off a dead trucker. POV, you're looking through a truck stop glory hole before you put your cock through it. Yeah, you're a lot lizard sucking off a trucker who has planter's warts on his face.

He's wearing a video game shirt, by the way, and a backwards cowboy hat. He's wearing a, like, I think he's wearing a Dead Space shirt or something like that. What's that? That's a nuts of old video? No, it's just a video game. He's just a fucking retard. Yeah. We live in hell.

We live in such a We live in hell. We live in such a hellish reality that like, why are people afraid of going to hell? Yeah, I don't know. I texted you guys yesterday. I said, if we woke up in hell, would we even know it? Right. And I texted you, maybe it would be better. We would wake up and we'd be like, oh, why is my life so much greater?

Yeah. At least in hell you don't have like retarded people getting mad at the devil you know yeah tweeting at the devil that he sucks everybody's actually everybody's tweeting that he rules yeah right now nobody in hell is shutting down the 405 to protest i don't know animals animals or whatever yeah yeah in a town full of gay people oh Anthony Kamiya had a heart attack or something or he has blockage

very sad about that the problem is his body's only producing white blood cells folks yep damn right heard his heart got looted I think we all were immediately like god I hope he doesn't have a black nurse cause he's in the hospital right now and they're like putting stuff in his heart I think we all were immediately like, God, I hope he doesn't have a black nurse.

Because he's in the hospital right now and they're putting stuff in his heart. God, I hope he has a white Christian. Oh, he's in the hospital being like, can I get a white surgeon? They're like, those don't exist anymore. He's like, hmm. Best I can do is a guy who looks like Vivek Ramasamy. Swami, whatever.

Oh, that guy sucks ass, too. Indian Hitler, whatever his stupid name is. Indian Hitler. is a guy who looks like vivek ramasamy swami whatever that guy sucks indian hitler whatever his stupid name is oh man yeah what is that what is that guy's whole deal a whole deal i don't really i don't really pay that much attention i just know he looks like um god who's the guy who's the comic who lied about he looks like a sawman oh a sawman yeah yeah he looks like um god who's the guy who's the comic who lied about he looks like yeah yeah he looks like hasan minaj but he goes if elected i will kill children who are gay and hasan got he got there was a whole article about he lied about all his whole act right yeah he told people he was funny and everyone was like that's a lie

they're writing an article on that. He's probably lying about his race, by the way. Was it his lie that he poured anthrax on his baby or something? Yeah, somebody mailed him anthrax and it dropped on his baby and he had to take it. And the best part of the lie was that his wife confronted him and she goes, I don't care about your Emmy. I don't care about your Peabody. All I care about is this family. And if this again i'll leave you which was a lie yeah and it's funny that in his lie he made his wife bring up his credits yes exactly that's so great oh

they're all such a bunch of sociopaths like he's telling the story he's like my wife was like i don't care about your six-pack i don't care about your cool shoes. I don't care that you fuck good. If you harm my baby, I'm out of here. Truly like just fucking like, you know, in Mean Girls, like you remember the Indian kid in Mean Girls, the talent show, Kevin G. Yeah, Kevin G. That's like Kevin G. Kevin G.

That's like what comedy was with Asa Benaj for years on end. It was just Kevin G live. You know, it sounds funny because his hair is perfect. Every funny guy has their hair always looks perfect. Great clothes. They smell good. That's the funniest person you know. Very funny. Very presentable.

Great smile. Perfect teeth. They use their hands too. They're rapping. Love that. I'm constantly falling into a coma so i need them to be like moving around a lot and doing like karate right i'm constantly coming in and out i'm comatose i'm coming in and out trying to watch a comedy special on netflix there was a period of time where it was it was like him it was a million other just indian guys nominating comedy they let them they gave him a shot you You know, they threw them the

rope for a little bit and then they took it right back. They lied too much. They took it right back, let me tell you. They'll never give the Muslims a shot, by the way. Well, they had their chance. Because Indians are like the white, like are whiter than Muslims, so.

They gave Muslims a chance? They gave Muslims a chance. Six, muslims a chance six seven years ago i mean like you know if you were if you were you know part of like the united 93 bombing you had like a show on netflix oh yeah how could i forget how could you forget those days i forget that yeah i just i don't remember ever like turning on the tv and it's like a new like muslim stand-up special i don't think i've ever seen that before in my life or am i like blanking completely no i mean they just bury all of these specials because they truly don't give a shit yeah i guess you're right they're like we just have to book enough people who look brown

that we can make game of thrones 5 i guess at this point it's kind of like me going did it rain three weeks ago yeah like it's all pointless shit it's just shit after shit after shit. Yeah. Who cares? Yeah. Yeah. The writer's strike was for six months and nobody noticed. You know? Yeah. So. Yeah, we were told we were all going to suffer greatly from this.

Mm-hmm. And from what I can tell, there's a bunch of great movies coming out in October. Yeah, no, I don't really understand what stopped. Sounds great to me. Scorsese's movie is still coming out. Scorsese's not striking. Sounds good to me. Scorsese's movie is still coming out. Scorsese's not striking. Sounds good to me. Strike for him.

The strike was just for people that, you know, jiggle keys on TV. Yeah. Just shapes and numbers. People that are, they go for 30 minutes on ABC every night. They read Popsicle stick jokes. It's a bunch of people on TV going. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't even do that, somebody's not doing the fart thing in the armpit yeah but they're a black lesbian yeah they do the they sit on a whoopee they sit on a whoopee cushion they go protect trans kids protect them y'all thank you oh uh jace did you by the way what happened to your car is your car oh yeah i wanted i wanted to tell you guys about this this is very funny so my car my 07 corolla um might be dead um i had to drive it because my my girlfriend came out and she was doing like a school trip you know because she does that like you know she does that like thing we're gonna go fuck a bunch of dolphins for you know science or whatever yeah that's what girls do that's what white women be doing that's what white women be fucking them dolphins white women love thai food and dolphins which is funny they are they're always saving the one uh animal that

rapes it's very it's dolphins are the only animal that like they love ducks too and they love ducks ducks ducks just have just kill and rape Cats Cats rape as well Cats literally have a dick designed to rape It's got a big horn in it It like grabs onto the inside of a pussy Yeah So they like what they claim to hate ladies and gentlemen

I guess we caught them with their pants down They claim to hate it Well we got them I think we know what's best for i think we know we know and that's why we should be president yeah um no but i had to drive out to we spent a couple days together and i drove her to santa barbara which is like three hours away came back and then went to go pick her up so we're gonna spend like a night on the beach like i ran a hotel nice hotel just so i could you know dump my evil seed inside of her no that's what we that's what we call it my evil seed like your cum is dark red

as that's what we call it i was like seed. Like your cum is dark red as horns. That's what we call it. I was like, hey, do you want me to drop? Do you mind if I drop a bunch of vile goo inside you?

I was like, hey, I know, you know, we spent a couple nights together and I filled you up with my poison goo. But what if after

you're done watching all those dolphins rape penguins oh man the bible really did a number on us by the way oh i think i'm fine i think i'm fine so i was like it's supposed to be a beautiful thing we're like i'm evil for wanting to fuck i'm gonna i'm gonna make sin i'm gonna dump sin in you that's what i say when i'm coming i'm gonna make hell i'm going to hell for this yeah it's totally worth it so i was driving um out to pick her up and i i was getting i was pulling into santa barbara and literally every light on my fucking dashboard lit up at

the same time and i was like well that's not good so i pulled i just pulled into a mechanic real quick i was like can you read the little you know because they can read the computer on the thing oh yeah the diagnostic yeah and it was like because i had to pick her up after this like conference and i just pull into the last place i go hey can you just read the thing for me and it was like this very like very thick jello woman like i was getting distracted by how she just had huge tits and a huge ass and she just like kind of waddled out of the car like literally her tits were like shaking on either side of her and i'm like i don't even care that like i might be fucking

you know destitute she looked like she walked off of the calendar in the in the place where you pay no but she looked like i walked into dodger stadium and i went her she's the one i'll fuck you get to stand on the pitcher's mound and look out and you picked one lady yeah like it's a like it's a gaddy's like yeah like it's a cc's pizza token or something and then she's like oh your transmission's like fucked and i was like that's bad right and she's like yeah that's like the whole thing that makes the car go i was like hmm and it's like it's literally like a six thousand dollar repair yeah so i was like uh i was like god well this car

costs like fucking fifteen hundred dollars and i'm in santa barbara and i was still sick i was i was sick driving out to pick up my girlfriend to make goo inside of her so i literally i i checked it and the car was like the car was like sputtering like it was it was revving all over the place yeah yeah and i checked in and i was like i was like god it's like i was literally like i'm like i just want to push this into the fucking ocean because six thousand dollars replaced i'm like i have to get a new car yeah yeah you might as well get a new car yeah it's got like 250 000 miles on it um that car is like sentimental value or something like i've pissed in a lot of bottles in this thing you have pissed in a lot of bottles in that car listen i got sucked off a couple times in that car yeah you're you got a big stinky 17 year old car it's time to put her to bed it really i mean the car does suck ass it

has gotten to the point where listen we all hate the car listen katie i told katie earlier that i might have to get a new car and she goes thank thank God. She goes, can I fuck it up? She literally said, can I hit it with a hammer? I was like, well, there's a lot of nice memories. And I used to take pride in that, that I drove an old, I still drove my first car. Yeah. And like seven years ago, it was like, oh, it's cute. I'm driving an 07.

And now it's like, I'm the guy on the road where I can see other people be like, oh my God. Yeah. I can see like when I drive up, actually people are like, I thought this was a good neighborhood. What's going on? It's like sandblasted. I can't get the Cheeto smell out of it.

You have mushrooms growing on the side of your car. You have one of those cars that's so shitty, it looks like there's always 11 people inside of it. At any given moment. My car looks like it's being driven by a coyote over the border like it has all these places to hide tiny mexicans um yeah and it smells like my balls the whole time yeah so i literally was like but i was like fuck i can't like i have to like get it back home i guess to like because i can't just like i want to leave it here drive all the way

back to lax the next morning and then drive like three hours all the way back so i just was googling it and i i read like oh sometimes it can be the transmission fluid so i checked the transmission fluid filled it back up pretended my girlfriend i knew what that was the whole time sure so like i could seem cool and she'd want me to make goo in her and then i was literally i was like okay the check engine like came off so i was like i guess we'll try it and i literally realized i was in the plot of sorcerer that movie we watched oh my god the freaking yeah like i literally just i have to get 200 miles in like this fucking beat up it's the movie sorcerer but it's a perfectly fine highway and a car i can afford to replace but i refuse not to because of depression yeah yeah but the only thing is if you hit a bump that's too big your foot is

going to go through the floorboard and hit the asphalt and rip off i've felt that in your car that i'm like i can put my foot through this right now yeah it's called an antique yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna sell my car it's a classic car jay leno would be driving my car around like it's an old fire truck and so i was driving it i was driving it back to thousand oaks and it was doing fine and i was like oh i guess the car is like fixed and then we got up to that it was that big gradient from santa barbara right before you get into thousand oaks yeah like ellen degeneres yeah the yeah keep up the middle class people yeah mm-hmm yeah ellen generous's house slid like eight feet down it during the floods yeah Yeah, like Ellen DeGeneres built it. Yeah, the hill. Keep up with middle class people, yeah.

Yeah, Ellen DeGeneres' house slid like eight feet down it during the floods. Yeah, into her pussy. Yeah, into her pussy. Bunch of slaves escaped. Yeah, they found a bunch of Indian bones from where her house originally was. Killers of the flower moon with Ellen DeGeneres. Yeah, just her comedy writers.

And I just got to the gradient, and that was when i realized it was actually broken because i was like i was literally like revving it and i could hear the engine going but it was going like 40 miles an hour up the hill in the slow lane so i just like coasted it into thousand oaks and then i've i just dropped my girlfriend off at her dad's house so you could take her and then it was very funny why i dropped my girlfriend off at my dad's house i like checked the i didn't need to do this i just opened the hood and i checked the fucking transmission fluid i go just because he was outside and i go just checking the transmission fluid it's looking like it's running a little hot so that could be yeah you dip your finger in it you pull out a bone yeah it's running a little hot.

Except you have the trunk open. He's like, what a retard. He walks right in. You know what was the funny part? He was literally like, he's like, oh, it's good, good, good. Like, I could feel like he actually respected me a little bit.

Yeah. Because I pretended to know what was happening. Yeah, you gotta fake stuff like that. No, you really do. Yeah. I was like, I know what a transmission is. It's this knob that YouTube, an Indian guy on youtube told me about yesterday yeah boy am i happy that ida's dad

is dead yeah thank god for cigarettes i got away with it easy thank god you really have it had no fucking guy that looked like borad get away from me Hummus hands Fucking I'll fuck your daughter All I want Give a shit You had her You fucking treat her like shit Now she's mine

Yeah Yeah A guy who's like I treat my daughter like shit I treat her like shit For 20 years Yeah You are not abusive enough

Teaching me how to hit her I'm gonna draw Muhammad With my tongue on her clit Bitch How about that How about I chop her clit off when I want Buddy boy Buster

How come you know on car wash On car wash Don't do podcast Yeah so I just I drove it over here still but i got to take it to the mechanic on monday and it'll probably be trash and i got to get a new car finally yeah how are you how'd you make it here yeah how the fuck did you get here it took a while you know so it just goes slow kind of it just like doesn't really go that fast are you just rear-ended to my home like you like you you're

just you keep getting pushed down the tin it's like little miss highway little miss sunshine i have to like push the car to start it yeah yeah so so when do you what do you think you're gonna get i think i'm gonna get uh i think i'm gonna get a transit connect you're gonna get that van yeah let me look this up let me see what what kind of hair braid scheme you have cooked up. Why are you so dead set on this van? I know what Jace is thinking. He's trying to get a car where he can get sucked off inside of it. That's exactly what I'm thinking.

You want to put a bed in the back? That's exactly what I'm thinking. I'm going to put a bed in the back. What's it called? It's called the Transit Connect. You can get them. There's used ones for like $10,000, $15,000. Jace, you can't get this piece of shit. You're're gonna get this car used to transport handicapped people yeah and that's why i'm

getting it dude this is what they bring people like around the old folks home and this is like they drop them off from one wing of the old folks home to another no dude this is perfect so my girlfriend's moving in with me when we go somewhere she's gonna drive i'm gonna be in the back watching porn and jacking off it's a mobile game laying down it's a move i've always my whole life i've been too big to fuck in my car and i've always resented it and now i'm finally gonna get are you gonna get like a fairly new one no i'm gonna get a real piece of shit dude i'm such this is what i did you get this yellow one i'm gonna kick your fucking ass i'm gonna kick you off the show if you get the yellow one i'm gonna get this is what i'm gonna do i'm gonna buy one that's really old because i'm a cheap

bastard even though i can pay for a new one in cash and then it's immediately gonna cause problems yeah and i'm gonna pour more money into it by buying the new ones are pretty nifty yeah i don't like that i want something old but. So this is what the back looks like. I mean, what the fuck are you going to put in there? A mattress and a TV to play porn on. It's going to be my goon wagon. Oh, no. It's so funny. It isn't a bit.

You're actually going to buy this. Dude, I'm telling you, what we're going to do is we're going to be having a record day. You're going to go out in the morning on a record day. You're going to see I drove there in the night. And you just see the thing shaking because I'm in the back of a jacket off. Because you hate traffic. You're getting there early. I drive there at midnight and I jack off for a day.

And then I walk inside and we record. Are you pretty dead set on this? I've been thinking about it. He's going to do it, Devin. Don't stop him. Just let him do it. Yeah. Tooth out.

Perfect. I know what year you're going to do already. You're going to do it, Devin. Don't stop him. Just let him do it. Yeah, tooth out. Perfect. I know what year you're going to do already. You're going to get one with 199,000 miles. This one right here. This is what you're getting. Can I tell you? It looks like Flint, Michigan. It looks like if a car was Flint.

Yeah, this is the lady from Barbarian. Lady from Barbarian who feeds babies. Listen, when you guys need to move a cabinet somewhere and you come calling, I'm going to remember this. This is the guy who loves estate sales buys this. Yeah, so you should have it. You're going to need this for your retarded children one day.

You're going to be trying to get this for me on a deal. Yeah, because that's like it's that's so easy to put like crutches and fold up wheelchairs and put it in the back there exactly exactly put a whole mattress go camping jack off you know on in joshua tree yeah i guess this is kind of nice to have jace if you become disabled one day and your girlfriend has to become your care which is definitely which is can i tell you that's part of my plan when she moves in so that i trap her in an emotional web is that i pretend to become your caretaker. Which is definitely, which is, can I tell you, that's part of my plan when she moves in. So that I trap her in an emotional web

is that I pretend to become crippled. I'm going to be one of those guys where I like, I say my, I can't move my legs. Yeah.

And then the doctor's like, no, I'm faking, but they can't say that because they'll get sued. It does look like a car that doesn't have like a pedal. Yeah.

You drive it with a button. Yeah. You have to push a wire into the battery. It's look like a car that doesn't have a pedal. You drive it with a button. Yeah, you have to push a wire into the battery. It's for handicapped people. Well, here's one for $10,000. It's in Bellflower. It's a 2012 with 100,000 miles. It's really not bad. It is yellow, but hey, man. I'd be losing money

not getting that car. I just didn't know Jace had this fantasy of putting a bed in the back of his car before. I've listened for years. You've always thought about those. Before the podcast took off, if I didn't meet myace had this fantasy of putting a bed in the back of his car before. I've listened for years. You've always thought about those. Before the podcast took off, if I didn't meet my girlfriend, I honestly might be living in a van of my own volition. I mean, we're doing okay. You don't need a car that looks like you sell sodas. I sell sodas one by one.

I'm a human soda machine. Dude, these are the people that buy these hunks of shit yeah they seem really they're both dead they both killed each other on a road trip look over there it's Gabby Petito that's Alexander Supertramp and his girlfriend

they starved on a bus are these people even real can I tell you I did have a thought for a second just to piss you guys off because I have an 07 Corolla. If I have to get a new one, I thought it'd be funny to buy a 2008 Toyota Corolla. I got a new one. I got one year old.

It's the exact same. Okay. I found it. There's a Reddit for people who are really into Transit Connect. Oh, of course. There's a Reddit for everything who are really into Transit. Oh, of course. Reddit for everything. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

And it's going to be the same as r slash cigarettes. It's all like, just cop this puppy. Just got this puppy. Going to kill myself. Got the new 2013 Ford Transit. It holds all my anacondas. I'm on top all time right now. And some guy goes,

just join the club. And it's a picture of his shitty board transit. Just join the club, brother. There's plenty of room for my pythons. This guy goes, welcome.

I'm at 105,000 miles already in my 2016. Haven't had a single problem yet except one recall. The next. Haven't had one problem yet. However, it has been recalled.

Can I tell you? That means you had just send it back to the dealership there wasn't any problem in it but the airbags did go off at a stoplight and my wife's femur went through her fucking head can i tell you by the way my toyota was so shitty i had a yeah i was gonna say that comment to me can you fit a twin back mattress in the back and a guy says twin and the guy says haven't tried to measure yet but i believe so he's like i can tell by just with my eyes alone buddy just my eyes alone now i was that's also how shitty my toyota was is that it had a recall for three years i just refused to take in yeah and they kept hounding me they called me every day because they don't want to get sued if something happens.

They like have to, and it's free, and I just never did it. And then I finally took it in. And I was like, what's this recall for? And they're like, oh, the airbags have this metal thing. If you got in an accident, just tear it a bit. Chop your head off. And I was just driving around for three years with a grenade in my steering column. It really was like Sorcerer. Because I was just being around for three years with a grenade in my steering column. It really was like sorcerer.

I know, because I was just being a stupid piece of shit. Yeah, that's my car. It's Depression Meals. Yeah, I was on r slash Depression Meals the other day, and I realized how fucked up I used to be. Because some of the Depression Meals were my go-to meals like five years ago. Guy cutting up hot dogs and putting them in mac and cheese while they're boiling. I thought that was like a years ago. Guy cutting up hot dogs and putting them in mac and cheese while they're boiling. I thought that was like a good dinner. Apparently that's a meal you make

when you decide you're not going to kill yourself that day. I still think that's kind of good. By the way, I want to kill myself when I use a stove or I can't see the fire. I know. That makes me depressed. I need to like see the fire. I have a coil stove right now.

I hate it so much. Yeah, where it just gets red. It just gets red. I don't like that. Sucks ass. I don't like that one bit. Look how great this is, Devin. Yeah, that knife looks awesome. Wife disappeared. It's my birthday. He's eating a mustard sandwich

with a Caesar salad. Nothing worse than when you're depressed, but you're still trying to get fiber. Yeah, and retweets. Oh, God. Look at that. Look at that. It's gas-tasted sushi and it's Tim Hortons. Not bad. Having McDonald's alone, that kicks ass. That, God. Look at that. Look at that. It's gas-stained sushi and it's Tim Hortons. Not bad. Having McDonald's alone, that kicks ass.

That looks awesome. That's not a depression meal at all. He blocked me after I gave him my virginity. And it's a... Well, don't act like your virginity was a special thing. Yeah, you're eating an Activia and a donut. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Who's eating an Activia at hopefully like 21 years old? Yeah, you're like a shit commercial. You're like a commercial for shitting yeah tried to overdose yesterday still woke up today only today one person doesn't feel like anyone cares still fuzzy and like because you told one person you fucking narcissist hope you die from that burger can i tell you after you sent me this i just because i was thinking about how there's um subreddits for everything i just went to just like some whatever pot to my head i went to r slash burger and i sorted by most controversial all time

most controversial burgers and i was just dude i was cracking myself up looking at these shitty burgers and people getting so mad. It's hard slash controversial burgers. Dude, it was so funny. It was like a guy like made a burger in like two pieces of bread and it had like shit on it. And people like this isn't a fucking burger. Kill yourself. Some of these depression meals

look okay. No, that's what's really bummed me out about r slash depression meals is I realize that some people decide they're not going to take their own life and then they cook a better dinner than I've ever made. Ever.

On my best day. Yeah. Look, I used to eat this all the time. That's not a bad meal. Sure, it tastes pretty good. Yeah, the mac and cheese and hot dogs. That's fucked up, right? This person was going to kill themselves when they made this.

Here's my thought. If they didn't mix it. It's not the meal. It's who's eating it. Yes. Because you know why? Wow. This is what Brad Pitt ate in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

And you're like, that's the coolest guy I've ever seen. Yeah, that's true, actually. If Bella Hadid is eating macaroni and cheese and hot dogs you're like that's really cool and if it's any fat person you're like they should kill themselves thank you jace you made me feel a lot better yes about myself it's not the meal it's the person so wow how about that because everyone like we're scrolling through in person like had two pop cards pop tarts it's my birthday and he left me and it's like yeah you suck why are you posting this on Reddit you're posting on Reddit that you're sad

you suck you suck every meal you eat is a depression meal because you have depression it is kind of beautiful the Kraft mac and cheese looks so fucking good the hot dog is disgusting honestly mix them in get them a little cheesy

if they do a fancy sausage and a little Annie's mac and cheese that's not a bad meal yeah and then what you do is you take a little grated a little grated parmesan you sprinkle that over the top you know kind of give it like a little bit of a you know two cheeses competing together maybe some panko some panko bread crumbs bread comes man. Tabasco hot sauce? Ooh, you're a Tabasco guy, aren't you? Woo, baby. I love hot sauce. I love Tabasco. Tapatio can kiss my ass.

I like Tapatio more than myself. Oh, you're fucking... I think Tabasco's for the whites. Well, you're a capital F, my friend. If we weren't recording right now, I would just say a couple choice words, my friend. You ever left Tabasco... Shut up couple choice words my friend you ever left about shut up faggot you ever left tobasco out and then you just see the vinegar yeah the bottom and the red

the spices turns into like devil cum yeah it's really it's odd looking can you go to controversial burgers uh yeah yeah how wait i just go to r slash burger yeah you don't overthink it just go to r slash burgers i was dude i was literally looking at this like just randomly we're doing kind of a longer ep now but i'm having fun yeah we're having a we're having a fun time with people the people want to see r slash burgers and sort by most controversial all time so how do you do most controversial because i didn't how do you do most controversial? Because I didn't even know you could do that. Do you type in controversial?

Click on the three dots. Hold on. Real quick. Go down. I want to see that four by four. Four by four for a minute. Oh, what a delight. That's a beautiful four by four. It's a great pick.

No tomato, though. I don't like that. Now, go back up. I'll just stick my cock in between. Looks like my cunt. Okay, where am I going? Click on top. Maybe that'll drag it down.

I'm on top right now. Does it not let you do it on the browser? So what if I did this? Type controversial. Good thing I'm smart enough to know how to spell controversial. Here we go. Controversial.

And then go all time. Now we're cooking with gas, my friend. It's just a patty that's like raw. And he goes, am I doing this right? Am I doing this right? This is like pissing people off. It looks like a Cronenberg film. Also, why is he filming it so close?

Back away, retard. Man. And then look at the... There's Back away, retard. Man. There's no audio, by the way. 36 comments, no upvotes. Is this from today? Oh, this is all time. Yeah, this is all time. Promoted.

Cheeseburger with pickle and onions. No, no, keep going down. Keep going down. Cheeseburger with pickles and onions. That looks like utter shit. Oh, that rolls. The patty is like, is the size of a pebble. How do you not know how to make a burger?

Like, if you can't make a good cheeseburger at home, you're a fucking moron. You should take your own life. That sucks ass. That's terrible. We like to do a little trolling. was like it was like 11 p.m but i was just cracking up keep keep scrolling i don't think that one's too keep scrolling that's like a stupid video deep fried heinz oh god look at that it's just a very plain burger that looks like the burger

that killed the health inspector at Spongebob. It's like gray. That is so sad. It's a grayscale burger. Just a plain burger. Look, 14 comments, no upvotes. I want to see everybody pissed about it. This burger is depressed.

So plain. Not even the camera acknowledges its presence. I gotta give it to the people on Reddit. They are witty. And OP goes, yes. Someone says, even the cat won't touch it.

Very good. Very good. Someone goes, the cat is not happy about this burger. Someone goes, grim. Literally the default burger.

Literally. That's a very sad burger like i've always said that i always imagine these people it's like the end of american beauty where he's looking at the photograph but they're typing their comment on reddit and slowly a gun comes yeah it might as well just blows the back of their head off. I mean, look at this. This guy put peanuts. Peanuts and gravy or caramel on that burger? Smash mushroom and Swiss caramelized onions, brown gravy, and peanuts.

Even better with cashews. That guy is a domestic terrorist. Peanuts in a burger. That is certainly something I hadn't thought about, but I'm curious enough to want to try it everyone that comments on reddit

they're the only people that get killed by stray bullets like that fall from the sky like on July 4th yeah they're the only people it's like a throw up chili burger

with like an oatmeal bun. Jesus Christ, these people. They eat like dogs. Oh God. This is not, somebody's sincerely commenting, this is not appetizing to me at all. Granted that I'm not the world's greatest fan of chili burgers, dogs, but this chili

looks not good and the lighting isn't helping. Also, I can't tell if that burger is slider size or is that skewer gigantic? Damn. I mean, we could only hope he was standing on a stool as he typed that. Dude, my favorite is when you you're reading a thread like this

and you see somebody deleted their comment. Just the idea that somebody typed something and then later they're like, that was too mean. I'm sorry. Look at these retards. I tell you, they love Voodoo Ranger. You're right. You're right.

Hey, I needed a quick 9%. All right. I needed a real quick 9%. You do drink beer with an army skull guy on it. Trying to drink less. I got to tell you, Devin taking me out to the bar, though, it's bringing back so many great memories. By the way, I didn't try and make, I don't want

people to think like I'm like... No, but you are. I'm doing a slow... No, I accept. So you came out. I accept. And then everyone we hung out with drank and went to a bar. We actually didn't go to a bar. We went to a burger place. It was a gastropub. That served... It's called a gastropub.

You mental retard. It's called a gastropub. They serve beer. You mental retard. It's called a gastropub. And then you bop in a beer and you go, hey, I dare you. I go, he gave me two if you want. I don't know. Devin's doing the thing where he's like,

hey, put your hand out real quick. And he places the beer on top of my hand where I have to drink it to get my hand out from under it. Not my fault. Not my fault not my fault yeah no no and then he paid that that uh that cocaine day laborer guy to suck you paid that crack i paid him to come over that guy to come over and try to suck me off so i'm relapsed that guy's doing the podcast now yeah the cocaine i gave day boy day labor yeah he's doing gutter oil with John off right now John had to end that

oh he ended that podcast he ended it because the guy he did it with he got 5150 it's worse the guy he went viral for a video where he was eating crab in the shower like he was eating a crab leg in the shower and he went viral for it and then he was like listen we can't do this podcast

because my career is about to blow up I'm crying Because he had a whole channel where he eats food in the shower And he's like listen John what we do much too retarded I have a career about to take off Oh I've seen that guy where he's like day 34 eating cake in the shower That's the guy John was doing a podcast with? That's really good. That's much better

than their podcast they did. Hey, I guess he, I think he had some fans, who knows? Yeah, well, good for him. He's performing at the VMAs now. Eating crab in a big bathtub. It was just so funny. John couldn't even keep his own podcast going. The guy abandoned

him because he's like, sorry, I'm professionally sucking off homeless people I have to eat crab under a freeway overpass Sorry, but I'm I eat imitation crab meat in the bathtub So yeah, I think Hollywood's coming knocking pretty soon Listen, John, sorry, but I got a career doing home amputations. I just chop my limbs off at home and I film it. Yeah, I eat my own dick at the circus, so can't really do the pod anymore.

Yeah, man, we're going to have to part ways. I'm a death doula. I help people enter the afterlife. Yeah, I help their spirit give birth into the afterlife so uh yeah i'll be checking out john john i love doing the podcast unfortunately my burger just hit top controversial on reddit so i gotta think about my career my burger just hit top controversial not to brag my burger is most controversial on rslashburgers. For the second time. For replacing

the second place, which was also me. Yes. On rslashburgers. Nice. Oh, man. Oh, we forgot to put the sign on. What sign? Oh, the... Ah, shit. Alright, let's do a whole new one. It must have just turned off at some point. It's a piece of shit. It's a

piece of shit. Whatever. It's a piece of it's a piece of whatever it's a piece of i'm gonna like it later i'm gonna like drill a hole and put my through it because it sucks yeah hell yeah dude it that this is gonna be the podcast in five years. Dude, fuck that. It's gay. Dude, it's gay and retarded. Dude, I was getting my dick sucked on by a fan. You fucking bitch. Dude, I think that was a guy. No, it was a girl.

I don't know, dude. I was on Whippets. I don't give a shit. You're doing Whippets and getting sucked off by two straight guys who listen to the dude i was at skank fest i was getting sucked off by dudes on whippets guys guys that are they're such fat drug addicts they still can't throw away the memory of somehow getting high off of sweets yeah oh man yeah i think that might be about starting to get a little loopy yeah i don't even know what i'm saying anymore is this the patreon i think this is the public one weirdly i think we said rape too much we talked way too much about yeah the R word on the other one.

That's true. I'm not talking about retard. And then you tried to do it again on this episode. Yeah, you tried to force it on this one, too. I mean, let's not act like we don't say rape on every show. Okay. All right. Okay, babe.

Okay, babe. You turn into Dennis Miller. Okay, babe. If I remember correctly, you were defending, like you represented rape in the court of law. I keep saying it on this episode so we can as a cartoon character sure it was a bit a human cartoon obviously but the ai machines and the folks that are in control of the matrix but here's what i don't understand we have such an arbitrary like every episode we do say that word like all the time yeah so i don't get what's

different about week to week yeah maybe devin's right maybe we just put it i'm not saying we should we could do put out whatever i'm just saying this whole thinking i have no clue anymore yeah i don't know what these robots want i think i think this one is the public yeah to me so well yeah jace would know he's the he's somehow the most sober out of all three of us and and he's been drinking cough syrup all day. Oh, have you? That's right. Jace is on the level right now.

Yeah. Jace is using performance-enhancing drugs right now. I'm on Welbutrin, cough syrup, Zenz. He's fucking L.A. sober, dude. I'm drinking electrolytes right now. L.A. sober. L.A. sober. I'm on CBD. I'm Am sober la sober i'm on cd yeah yeah i'm

amish sober i'm actual sober is that la sober or is that like atlanta sober that's uh that's houston sober houston yeah yeah you're mike joe sober yeah yeah anyway go dolphins go fins you know we had a rough day today but yeah we love you whoever's listening send us more merch and stuff well patreon.com slash liveandparty. Live and Party Eclipse channel is where we do the live streams every Wednesday at 4 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. Devin is at HeyWatchPod. Jace is at Sad Drawings by Jace.

There's Emma hopping into frame. She wants to say goodbye to all the folks at home. And I tip my cap to the... And I tip my cap to the... May ye... May ye voyage throughout the week and may ye weary traveling... Just end the show. Just end the goddamn show.

Jesus Christ. Try and come up with anything. Say something. Say, I'm gay and... Wow. Retarded. Okay, do Louie voice and say you're gay and retarded. I'm fucking

gay and I'm fucking I fucking fucked my daughters. Totally, totally not even a bad guy. I'm a bad guy because I was supposed to end the podcast but I kept talking and I didn't have a bet so I said I'm gay

and I'm retarded you're blocking the door to this podcast jesus christ which louis never did love you yeah which he never did and even if he did who cares yeah listen to the patreon let's wave goodbye to the people who are waving. Goodbye. Press stop record, please. It's Field of Gay Dreams. Very good. Very good. Press stop record. Very good. Very good.

Press the button now. Very good. Press it. Okay, goodbye. Okay, bye.